#But just became the beautiful tree that Andrew and Nicky were running around

[jtl-fics]

Fluent Freshman - Part 36

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The Smiths had been a happy family.

A happy couple and three happy healthy children. Their first born son 2 years into a blissful marriage, a second born son 4 years in and the third, a first born daughter 7 years in.

They spent most holidays with his Mother’s large rambunctious family but his grandma on his father’s side and her mother were always invited to any family event.

“The more the merrier.” He had heard more than one aunt or uncle say. “We know that Gavin is an only child, we don’t want to leave you alone.” They would say to his Gran. Cousins playing, laughing, rough housing, and screaming. Family friends with their own kids stopping in. The adults who could cook cranking food out happy to feed people.

The more the merrier is something FF believed with all his heart.

FF loved being an older brother.

He loved them from the moment he knew they existed. Had wanted to meet them instantly. Waiting to meet Jay and then Robin had been the longest time of his life. Meeting both of them were two of the happiest moments in FF’s entire life.

Robin had loved to reach up and pinch at his face.

Nose, ears, or even cheeks his little sister had loved to clamp her fingers around it. He used to talk when she’d do it on his nose, purposefully sounding more nasally as he talked to her as she giggled wildly. It was her favorite game in the entire world and FF had always been willing to play it with her.

Jay fell asleep against his shoulders without fail on every single car ride.

Slight weight, drool, and tiny hands that always wanted to hold his arm like a pillow. He was getting big had denied that he did that with pure horror every time FF would ask him if he was going to take a nap. Yet FF very rarely made it to a far off destination without a little bit of drool on an outfit. FF had never cared, trying not to laugh too hard with Robin as she giggled so that he wouldn’t dislodge Jay.

His gran would pinch his cheek and tell him how good he was.

A good older brother.

The happy couple wanted more kids. Wanted a bigger and bigger family. His mom wanted what she knew, his dad wanted what he never had, FF wanted more siblings.

He always felt like he had gotten his wish, but only in the worst way he could have.

His mom and dad were fighting. They were driving home from the supermarket; he vaguely remembers that. He doesn’t remember what started the fight but he remembers how Jay and Robin moved in close to him. She was pointing at him and FF doesn’t remember what she said but he remembers her hands reaching and then-

His face hurt, his ear hurt, he looked over and Jay was asleep just like he always was but he doesn’t look right. He looks and Robin is there reaching for him but she can’t reach him. “I’m scared.” She had said his name, pleading and terrified. Her face was bruised, cut, and she had a burn that looked painful.

He lied to her.

He didn’t know it at the time, but he did.

He reached out and he couldn’t touch her face, but he held her tiny hand in his own, looked her in the eyes, and lied.

“It’s going to be okay; I promise.”

Then he woke up and that hand wasn’t the one in his anymore. The world is muted but somehow his grandma’s red eyes and pale skin stand out to him. He asks what happened and she tells him.

Things don’t get better.

His mom swears his dad tried to kill them all that he swerved so they’d all die together. He can’t corroborate that story; he just remembers her hand reaching and-

How do you ask your mom if she tried to kill you?

She must see the question in his eyes regardless. Must figure that if he can’t feel anything, can’t cry, can’t emote, can’t go and lay between his sibling’s graves in the middle of the night then maybe he’ll never ask the question and she’ll never have to answer.

He learned to live not knowing and maybe his mom learned that he was a coward.

His mom’s family don’t treat him the same. He won’t denounce his father and they look at him with pity and Daniel whispers poison into his cousins’ ears until they act like he killed Robin and Jay personally.

He can’t react.

Can’t plead with his cousins to understand.

Daniel would spin it and FF would find himself on the meds again. So, he got good at pretending. He got good at faking. He got good at everything that was needed to pretend like he didn’t have a care.

Then Coach Wymack and Captain Dan Wilds were there.

He’d been getting better.

Now Daniel was here.

Nicky tucked him into bed and he tried to sleep. Even feigned it well enough for Nicky to leave and to get startled by the shouting that shortly followed.

Daniel was going to stay.

Daniel was going to try to be on the same team.

Daniel was smart, strong, and very athletic.

Daniel was going to be on the same team.

He hears when Abby and his Gran come back, and someone must have mentioned that Daniel was there to his Grandma because she comes in and tells him that it will be okay. He puts on a brave face for her, and she kisses his cheek.

He lays there in bed and stares at the ceiling feel flushed and hot with anxiety.

He gets up and walks to the fridge and finds himself frozen there.

“Smith,” Bee’s voice rings in his ears as he had tried to keep pushing everything down. “Smith, there is only so much you can bottle up and repress.” She reached out and held his hand comfortingly because touch always made him feel like he was on earth.

“What am I supposed to do with it?” he had asked, ashamed.

“Smith, you’ll have to process it. Feel what you repressed and then after you’ve felt it maybe you can let it go.” Bee had said.

He had avoided taking her advice so far, it hadn’t felt safe, and it had been too much, too scary.

Nicky’s face comes into his vision, “Smithy?” he asks and there is concern that FF hadn’t felt worthy of. “C’mon bud. Let’s get you under the covers.” His friend says.

They get to the guest room and FF crumbles. His face in Nicky’s shoulder and when Nicky asks if he can hold him while he sleeps FF nods and holds on as tight as he can. Nicky’s hand finds his back, “It’s okay Smithy, I’m right here. We won’t let that asshole mess with you. You’re safe.” Nicky had promised and-

and it’s enough.

He relaxes against Nicky and he feels safe.

So, he decides to process it.

“Dig in!” Abby said not bothering with grace. It was good. FF still missed his grandma’s cooking. It was nice to have this loud Thanksgiving like he used to get but there was something special about helping his grandma in the kitchen and the two of them sitting down to eat. He missed events with his mom’s family. Loud and boisterous and his Gran welcomed and loved by everyone there. It was special to have his time with his grandma, but he wishes it could be with his cousins and his siblings still.

It’s okay to be nostalgic.

He lets himself process it.

Captain Neil was up front and had started  to play some music. Nicky and Aaron were conked out before they had even reached the entrance to the interstate. They had also slumped onto FF with Aaron asleep on his shoulder as Nicky drooled into his hair. “You can just shove them off.” Andrew said. “It’s fine.” FF said and had reminisced about the last time he’d had something like this. How maybe Jay would be this big, would he be tall like Nicky or shorter like Aaron? Would Robin be big? Would she still want to squeeze his nose and ask him to talk?

It wasn’t a bad thought, just one that hurt to consider.

He lets himself process it.

Aaron looked at him with a twisted mouth for a while before he relented, “Fine they’re not that bad. It’s a big brother thing.” Aaron rolled his eyes. FF swallowed down some acid in his throat and had pushed the smiling eggs and bacon over to Aaron who smiled back at the breakfast and proceeded to eat it. A big brother thing. FF used to be one of those but, unlike Aaron, he hadn’t managed to protect his siblings. Aaron was a good big brother and FF only had the memory of being one.

It hurt and maybe it wasn’t just his great grandma he had reached out to when he had baked those brownies. They had always always been Jay’s favorite.

Two kids hadn’t moved as the rest of the world continued to. He watched as they clung to one another, and no one seemed to take notice of them. He didn’t understand how anyone could mess them with the bright orange children’s jerseys they had on. One sporting 01 – Josten and the other 10 – Josten on the backs. He had said something to Nicky and then he was squatted down in front of them. A big brother and a little sister with a burn. He’s glad to see them off safely. Glad they’re safe and that Millie is smiling at him like he hung the stars because he got her an autograph from Captain Neil. Glad to watch Brandon be lifted up by his father. He hopes they get home safe.

They didn’t even look that much like Jay and Robin but it had made him happy.

There were other moments, small moments that had hurt that he bottled up but those didn’t take much time to process though.

He finishes processing and lets himself come back to the present.

Something tastes good in his mouth.

“…put the knife away!!” he hears Nicky yelling and looks up to find that Nicky is hiding behind Matt Boyd in Abby’s backyard.

“Just tell me where my car is Nicholas!” Andrew says advancing on Nicky with a knife drawn.

“Can we not do this with me in the middle?” Matt pleads.

“He won’t stab you so you’re the safest thing to hide behind!” Nicky exclaims.

“Where. Is. My. Car?” Andrew hisses.

“Look, I’m just saying that until that asshole is off the campus….maybe it’s for the best that you don’t have access to your car?” Nicky asks pleadingly.

“What the fuck is he drinking?!” He turns as he hears Kevin nearby.

“Milkshake, it’s fine. Doesn’t Smiths deserve something that is not one of your dogshit smoothies?” Aaron asks and he’s standing between Kevin and FF. He sees one of Kevin’s smoothies in the starting striker’s hands.

“It’s not fine!” Kevin hisses. “I didn’t approve of it!” he flails one arm.

“Kevin,  you’re not actually his doctor.” Captain Neil says, “Andrew, maybe put the knife away before people call the cops on you?” Captain Neil asks pleadingly.

“I’ll put it away once Nicky tells me where he put my car.” Andrew demands.

“We just barely avoided you going to jail a couple weeks ago Andrew. I just don’t want you to do something that would result in you being there on vehicular manslaughter charges!” Nicky pled from behind Matt.

“I wouldn’t crash the Maserati just to kill him.” Andrew is facing towards them, and FF can see him roll his eyes.

“I think they’re more worried that you’ll just run him over if you see him dude.” Matt says.

FF realizes belatedly that he’s sucking on a straw to an empty milkshake only when a wrinkled hand takes it from him and puts a hot drink in his hands instead. He looks and sees his grandma smiling at him.

He looks down and-

Oh, hot chocolate. This is nice.

He takes a sip.

Oh, his grandma’s hot chocolate.

Delightful.

He watches as his Grandma makes her way towards where Andrew and Nicky were continuing to run around a resigned looking Matt.

Andrew is stopped as his Grandma hands him a cup of hot chocolate filled to the brim with marshmallows. He blinks at the offering but takes it stopping his hot pursuit of Nicky.

“Jesteś moim ulubieńcem” she says. (“You’re my favorite now.”)

Nicky makes a noise like he’s dying. “Aras!” he cries dramatically.

“Got something to say about the drink from his Gran?” Aaron asks.

“No…” Kevin says petulantly. “…but he should leave room. I formulated a new healthier smoothie that tastes good.” Kevin says holding up his smoothie.

“Doesn’t taste like ass is more accurate.” Matt says walking over now that Nicky was immobilized by his despair and Andrew was enjoying hot chocolate. “Sorry Smithster, we’re still working on getting it up to ‘tastes good’.” He says apologetically clapping FF on the shoulder.

“Fat chance of that with Kevin’s sensibilities with flavor.” Aaron says rolling his eyes. “More accurate to say lack of sensibility.” He adds after a second.

“Don’t be rude, you ran off without even warning me.” Matt points at Aaron.

"You ran off?!" Kevin demands.

FF can’t help it.

He laughs.

MASTERPOST FOR ALL PARTS OF FLUENT FRESHMAN AU

NEXT

[whichie]

Heal Me and Let Me Live

summary:

“Neil could see Andrew out of the corner of his eye barreling towards them, but he was too late. Riko’s racquet hit the side of Neil’s head and the resounding crack that went through the court silenced everything. Neil registered a blinding pain before everything went dark. He was sprawled on the floor, head bent at an unnatural angle and the side of his face broken and bleeding. Everyone was staring, hardly breathing, until Andrew reached Riko and shattered his arm with his own racquet.

Neil was dead.”

a/n: i was thinking about an au where neil has the ability to heal himself and this was the result.

read it on ao3

Neil wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for his power. That's a fact.

When he first became a Fox, he didn't’ know a lot of things. He didn't know why him and his mom were on the run, he didn't know why he couldn’t play exy, and he didn't know what he was going to do now that she was gone. But the one thing Neil does know now is that if he didn't heal extraordinarily fast, he'd be six feet under already.

It wasn't such a hard power to hide, all he does is make sure no one notices if he scrapes his knees or get a papercut. It wasn't such an obvious power like his mothers, whose big, black wings were always tucked away and out of sight.

He never saw them often, but he has hazy memories of their wide span before they were on the run, and how his mother loved nothing more than to be in the air. He can't help thinking about how she never once took them out of the brace that kept them strapped to her back during those long years, and how the glimpses of bent feathers and atrophied muscle he got of them when she changed clothes didn't line up with the sprawling beauties he remembers as as child.

(sometimes those wings haunt his dreams, when the weight of Riko and his father starts to get too much to bear)

It was one of those nights, he awoke to the phantom sound of flapping wings and his mother's warnings to never tell anyone about what he can do. She was always afraid of that, of the threat his father posed to Neil’s life, about what his father would do to Neil, how his father would use him as an invincible soldier in his twisted family.

So he grabbed a jacket and went up to the roof where he lit a cigarette and tried not to let the memories overwhelm him.

The silence was interrupted by his phone alerting him to a new message. He knew what it would say before he even got it out of his pocket, and the sole “1” on the screen didn't surprise him at all. He wonders what they have planned for him tomorrow, what they're going to do to him. He’s not worried about his safety more than he is about seeing his father, and about what his father is going to do to his team.

When his cigarette burnt out, leaving only the smell of his mother and the heavy feeling in his chest that he always got when thinking about her, he decided that he wasn't in any danger of buying a bus ticket and never coming back. The sun was lighting up the sky in fiery reds and burnt oranges, and he turned away from the ledge of the roof with the image of a flaming car still behind his eyelids.

Some of the Foxes were shuffling around the kitchen and living room when he got downstairs, and the only one awake enough to speak full sentences was Nicky, who gave him a warm, “Good morning, Neil!” and turned back to heating up leftover lasagna for breakfast. Nicky’s power was something he had to get used to the first few weeks he came to Fox tower, as the brunet’s flames reminded him of things he'd rather not think about.

Matt gave him a lazy wave from the couch, and continued to half heartedly scroll through the channels on the tv and absentmindedly floating the remotes around in the air.

It was a scene he wishes he wasn't there to witness, the two of them doing such mundane things with their powers, being so comfortable with it. It made him itch to leave and never come back, but he remembered the flashes of wings taking flight and his mother's warnings in his ear.

So instead he slipped on his running shoes and left the tower as fast as he could, only barely acknowledging the “Bye!” Nicky sent his way.

.

.

.

Today’s sobering “0” had arrived during lunch. Neil didn't know what to make of it or what to expect next. It was as anticlimactic as it was nerve wracking. He wanted to erase the message as he had every single one before it, but when his phone prompted him for confirmation he snapped it closed instead. He put his phone away again, turned backward in the seat, and pushed up onto his knees to look at Andrew.

Andrew’s power was one Neil had never seen before, and that said a lot considering he’s been everywhere. Constantly surrounding Andrew was tendrils of shadow that moved around almost as lazily and uninterested as Andrew does. Sometimes though, Neil see Andrew playing with them, making them move and dance around. He’s sure Andrew knows that he knows — because Andrew always knows everything, It's the shadows, I can see what they see, he once said in their truth for truth game — and it makes him feel a little better that Andrew allows him to see that side of himself.

Andrew ignored him, but Neil didn't mind. He was content to look for now, arms folded over the back of the seat and chin propped on a forearm. He didn't know what he was looking for. Andrew looked as he always had, and Neil knew his face as he knew every iteration of his own. Despite that, something was different. Maybe it was the sunlight streaming through the window, making Andrew’s pale hair shine brighter and his hazel eyes seem almost gold. Whatever it was, it was disorienting. A wordless question buzzed under Neils skin, leaving him restless and out of sorts.

“Hey,” Neil said, because maybe if Andrew looked at him he'd figure it out.

It took a moment, but Andrew finally slid his calm gaze his way. Andrew only tolerated the staring for a minute before saying, “Stop.”

“I'm not doing anything.”

“I told you not to look at me like that.”

Neil didn't understand, so he let it slide. “Is it exhausting seeing everything as a fight?”

“Not as exhausting as running away from everything must be.”

“Maybe,” Neil allowed. “I told you I'm working on that.”

“Work harder.”

“I can't unless you let me go,” Neil said, quiet but firm. “Stand with me, but don't fight for me. Let me learn to fight for myself.”

“You never explained the change of heart.”

“Maybe I'm tired of seeing Kevin bend. Or maybe it was the zombies.” when Andrew just stared at him, Neil shrugged and said, “A few weeks back you and Renee argued contingency plans for a zombie apocalypse. She said she’d focus on survivors. You said you'd go back for some of us. Five of us,” Neil said, splaying his fingers at Andrew. “You weren't counting Abby or Coach. Since you trust Renee to get the rest of the team, I'm guessing the last spot is for Dobson.”

Neil knew he wouldn't answer that, so he dropped his hand and said, “I didn't say anything then because I knew I’d look out for only myself when the world went to hell. I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to go back for you.”

“You wouldn't,” Andrew said. “You're a different kind of suicidal. Didn't you figure that out in December? You're bait. You're the martyr no one asked for or wanted.”

Neil knew he wasn't that good of a person, but all he haid was, “Only one way to be sure, right?”

“You'll regret it.”

“Maybe, maybe not.”

Andrew looked away. “Don't come crying to me when someone breaks your face.”

“Thank you.”

.

.

.

Neil knew it was stupid, but he felt like he deserved the pain and scarring his father and his lackeys gave him in Baltimore. It was the burnt skin and cuts that flared every time he moved that said, You deserve this for thinking you can outrun your past, this is what you get for stopping and trying to be happy.

He could heal them right away, but he didn't. It was a reminder that he would never be a real person no matter how long he lived as Neil Josten. At first he didn't heal them because he didn't want Lola to know that her torture could last forever if she wanted, but then he was rescued by his uncle. The car ride to the motel where his teammates were waiting made him realize that no matter how many times he healed his wounds, the scars they left on his soul would always be there.

He might as well make the outside match the inside.

.

.

.

The final game against the Ravens was as harrowing as it was exhausting. The Ravens got red carded multiple times for foul play, once for tripping Nicky with a racquet, another for shooting the ball directly at Matt's face instead of the goal, and the last one was made by a striker who barreled right into Andrew instead of stopping to go after the ball when he hit it down the court. It was such an unpredictable move that Andrew’s shadows didn't have time to warn him about it until it was too late and he was already pushed against the pressure plate, lighting it up red like a christmas tree.

And the Foxes weren't without their cards either. Many of the yellow cards were because Riko would blame goals that we made on Matt controlling the ball to score. It wasn't the first time Matt’s been accused of that, and after so long playing the game he was used to it, and so were the referees, but they had no way of really knowing if the claims were true or not so they carded him anyways.

It went on like this for the rest of the game, and every Fox was tired and out of breath by the end. Neil didn't know they’d reached the last minute of the game until the buzzer blared overhead. His body knew what that sound meant and finally gave out on him. He fell to his knees and barely managed to catch himself with his hands. His stomach twisted inside him, but he didn't have the energy to throw up. Oxygen-starved muscles felt like they were disintegrating, but it hurt too much to breathe. Neil’s mouth worked it short gasps that did nothing for him.

The buzzer went off again, and Neils heart stopped.

The ringing in his ears wasn't all him. His team mates were screaming, wordless war cries of disbelief and victory. Nicky was so happy he kept accidentally starting littles fires everywhere, and Aaron had to keep putting them out with his wind. Niel's fingers shook so badly it was almost impossible to get the straps of his helmet undone, but finally he managed to throw his helmet off to one side. He blinked sweat out of his eyes and looked up to the scoreboard.

Ten-nine, Foxes favor — Kevin had scored in the last two minutes of the game.

Neil wished he could smile, but it took all his strength just took look at Riko. The Raven captain and Exy King was staring at the scoreboard like he expected it to change. The Foxes were running for each other, still screaming their fool heads off, but the Ravens stood still as stone. It was the first loss in Edgar Allen history, and they'd fallen to the unlikeliest of opponents.

Neil sucked in a breath that ripped him open on it's way down. “I’d ask you how it feels, but I guess you've always known what it's like to be second, you worthless piece of shit.”

Riko finally dragged his gaze away from the scoreboard. He stared at Neil blank-faced and stunned, and then revulsion twisted his face into something terrible. His racquet went up over his head, but it took Neil only a moment to realize Riko really intended to take a swing at him. Dan screamed his name from halfway across the court, but there was nothing Neil could do except to watch Riko’s racquet start down. He barely had the strength to breathe, dodging was out of the question.

Neil could see Andrew out of the corner of his eye barreling towards them, but he was too late. Riko’s racquet hit the side of Neil’s head and the resounding crack that went through the court silenced everything. Neil registered a blinding pain before everything went dark. He was sprawled on the floor, head bent at an unnatural angle and the side of his face broken and bleeding. Everyone was staring, hardly breathing, until Andrew reached Riko and shattered his arm with his own racquet.

Neil was dead.

Rikos screaming was overshadowed by the Fox’s, and all of them came running down the court to surround Neil’s body. He was dead, they couldn't believe it. Kevin had to hold on the Andrew for dear life to stop him from hitting Riko again, and he knew that if Andrew got into racquet distance of Riko he’d get a lot worse than a broken arm.

Neil was dead.

Nicky was crying, Allison was looking down at Neil, horrified, and Renee was hiding in Alison's arms. The rest of the Ravens were staring between Neil and Riko like they didn't know what to do next. The referees were swarming the players, and trying to herd them away from Neil, but none of them were having it. They were fighting the referees and EMTs to get back to Neil, and Andrew was still caged in Kevins arms to stop him from finishing Riko.

Neil was dead.

And then he wasn't.

It was utter chaos on the court, but for the second time in five minutes everyone was stunned silent as they heard the crack of Neil's neck as it corrected itself, his broken nose righted, and the wound that ran from the side of his head down across his left eye healed in front of everyone. It was another second or two before Neil took the first long, ragged breath and bolted upright, hand going straight to his throat as if he could feel it breaking.

No one moved, and then Nickey shoved a referee out of the way and staggered a step closer. “What the fuck, Neil.”

Neil lost sight of Riko as the Foxes swarmed him. Gloved fingers patted his head and shoulders, making sure he really was alive and okay. Neil tuned out their frantic demands, more interested in hearing Riko’s endless, agonized screaming. Then Dan caught his face in her hands and gave him a shake.

“Neil ,” she said, so desperate and afraid he had to look at her.

“Hey,” Neil said, hoarse with exhaustion and feeling heavy after his body did so much healing. “We won.”

Dan looked at him in incredulation for him acting as if he didn't just get murdered in front of their eyes, but then she threw her arms around him and buried a choked laugh against his padded shoulder. “Yeah, Neil. We won!”

.

.

.

As he suspected, they were all pissed that he kept the fact that he had powers from them, but after Neil reassured them that he was fine — which got him some serious glares — they let it go. They knew Neil too long to be that surprised that he was keeping secrets.

It was a week after that Waymack got a call from the police saying that Riko’s court date was next month, and that Neil didn't need to testify because everything was caught on cameras and in front of thousands of witnesses, but he still could go if he wanted. Neil only scoffed when Coach told him and continued watching tv with Nicky and Aaron.

It took the jury four hours to decide if what Riko did was assault or murder. Some said that because Neil is still alive that it shouldn't be ruled murder, but others argued that Neil had died, and only because of his powers was he even still breathing. They compromised and called it attempted voluntary manslaughter, because Riko tried to kill Neil, and even though he did for a short while, Neil was still alive.

Riko was sentenced to ten years in prison and five years of parole, and when the Foxes got the news they started drinking and handing over money to Allison, who was the closest in guessing the punishment (and though Andrew will never admit it, he told Allison the average sentencing of a first degree felony for half of her winnings).

It was almost surreal for Neil in the aftermath of the game. The school was treating them the nicest they had ever treated the Foxes, and the reporters were hounding them everywhere they went asking about Neil’s power, how they felt about winning, what they were going to do next.

And honestly, none of them knew the answers to any of the questions, except that they felt great about punching Edgar Allen into the dust, and Aaron said as much to one reporter who looked like she was on cloud nine for getting any statement out of the team.

Neil felt a pang of something every time he looked into the mirror and saw the jagged scar that ran from above his ear and down over his left eye. For the first time in his life he didn't hold on to this wound because he felt like he deserved it, but because it was a reminder that he can survive and win and live.

And if Andrew traced the raised skin during those quiet nights on the roof where his mother's wings never went, then he didn't say anything about it.