#But its a huge block of tect so i understand if you cant/dont want to tbh

[panicbox]

Im gonna be real for a second. I'm not a huge popular artist and I'm under no illusion that I am, but still you may have noticed that I have not been uploading much art lately...

I have a really complicated relationship with art and doing artwork. I have no aspiration of becoming a great artist, yet I want to improve. I've never been able to develop a consistent art style (or handwriting or signature - I wonder if it's a schizophrenia/mental illness thing?) so I've never been able to develop a consistent brand for lack of a better word. I go between cartoony to semi realistic with no real consistency at all, and I don't know how to change that. I really don't understand how somebody can sit down and draw the same character looking the same way over and over again. I kinda just start drawing and it comes out how it comes out, y'know?

I'm also really paranoid about the amount of people ragging on the so called "CalArts" style because I know in my more cartoony pieces (the ones I enjoy the most tbh) I have elements that can be compared to that style and I feel too ashamed to draw lest I be compared to it... and I know it ain't like me to care what folks on the internet think.... but shit man... It ain't about the skill level of which I draw y'know. Skills can always be improved upon, but if folks are determined to hate the way it looks no matter the skill with which it's drawn... then I can't win. There's no way forward from there and it's disheartening....

I also can't help but compare myself to others... I draw all my digital art an iPhone app so old that if I update my phone it won't work any more. I don't own a computer (oddly enough I own a tablet) so proper digital art is not an option for me. Even if I did own a computer I doubt I'd be able to afford an art program, and I'm too paranoid to download something for fear of viruses (My and technology have an even more complicated relationship tbh). I feel like I've been able to push that little app to the limit of what it can do, and that I can't really do much beyond that. That's why I draw so many headshots digitally.. because the screen is so small it's hard to fit a whole body in.

This makes me feel like an imposter. Like I'm an artist, but not a real artist y'know? Like, I do digital art, but not real digital art. That's a big part of why I don't do commissions tbh. I don't feel good enough and tbh I'm always amazed when people ask if I do them. I don't feel like I deserve to draw for other people because due to limited recourses/skills I can't offer them the quality that they deserve... and I'd be an imposter for even asking for money.... because only REAL artists can do that. this whole thing probably comes off really batty actually...

My paranoia is a big problem for me. I have so much art and writing done about my Fallout Oc's, or fan work in general but I'm too afraid to post em. I feel like either nobody will care (despite other people's oc's getting attention and people caring about them - including me. I LOVE seeing other people characters), or that people will hate it.

I need to figure out a way to move past all this. I don't wanna offer commissions. That isn't a goal nor do I ever see it being a goal, but I want to be able to produce art and feel good about it. I wanna be able to interact with people more, to upload stuff I've worked hard on and to not compare myself to others but it's hard.

Anyways if you've made it this far thanks for listening. I really need to learn to open up more. This has taken me an hour to write this post and even though I'm worried that nobody will read this/care I appreciate you if you do. I wouldn't know what to say if somebody wrote something like this, especially if I've never spoken to them before, so if you could wanna leave a "like" I'll know that you've taken the time to hear me out. If not that's cool too. If anyone has any advice or comments I'd really love to hear em.