#But it happened literally the first halloween after my abusive ex dumped me

[freebooter4ever]

so ive been slowly making my way through all the miyazaki films on h b o max during meal times when i can sit and watch with subtitles, and im on porco rosso now and roughly halfway through...

i almost didnt want to watch this movie bc back when i got sucked into the social circle of my friend's entertainment grad school, i met this guy dressed as a pig for halloween who had on 30s era flight gear and i was like hey cool! But he got super mad and combative about me never having seen porco rosso (and me arguing spirited away is the best) and when i tried to get away from the conversation he wouldnt let me leave (this happened outside on the steps of the group house and he was standing at the bottom with me at the top unable to leave), and my friend chris (shorter than 6ft tall pig dude but much more muscular and fit) came over to help, and pig dude started threatening to beat up chris bc of my not having seen this movie. and i had to be like WOAH woah, first off i have a black belt and you are out of shape, if anyone is doing beating up it is ME i can defend myself, second of all wtf? and then chris and i extricated ourselves from the situation before pig dude went crazy on us. ANYWAY my point is, having realized how shitty horrible the pig protagonist of the movie is, and how his love interest is a young girl with red hair and bangs who is italian american with multi genrations of engineers and flight mechanics in her family...yeah. i am now realizing he was angry at me bc he based his entire identity on this movie and then met someone who fulfilled everything about this love interest character except for the fact that i wasnt enamored by a man dressed as a pig LOL. at the time i was regularly dying my hair purple on oct 13th for my grandma's birthday and by the time halloween hit every year it faded to bright red in the light with purple highlights, and i had bangs, and i had been explicitly asking the pig dude about the flight outfit bc of my history with my italian dad and grandpa and aviation. so there we go...decade long mystery solved! dont fucking talk to men -_- like ever lol. my friends to this day remain friends with this guy even though chris (who was out of the social circle, i had brought him as my guest) and i told them pig dude was out of line and scary angry. and pig dude now works in the gaming industry! isnt the everyday sexism of life grand?

[gibsophone]

I think I’m aromantic/asexual

So, at the conclusion of my previous relationship I am beginning to wonder if maybe I should just be by myself. It’s not me writing off relationships, I love having relationships, just not intimate relationships. As my ex continues obsessing over me and even contacting my friends and saying fucked up shit about me that is upsetting everyone (seriously if he stalks me I’m gonna shoot him) I can’t help but ask, why? What would make someone act this way? After just three weeks of dating he said he loved me. I did like him, a lot actually, enough to hang out with him on the weekends, but did I love him? Of course not! It wasn’t the short span of time or anything, I just never developed that feeling toward him. The moment his texts to me became crude, I told him I was uncomfortable but he would still interject with something that made it pretty clear he wanted a sexual relationship. We dated for three months and I never slept with him. I’ve actually never slept with anyone, ever, and in a few weeks I will be twenty-nine years old, I’m a twenty-nine year old virgin. Am I just waiting for that special someone? I’m not sure anymore. I’ve only ever been in a handful of relationships I would consider more than just friends, with both men and women, trying to get a feel for my preferences, I really don’t have many. I really value honesty and straightforwardness, I myself am a very honest and forthcoming person, ready to share my feelings on anything. The only other thing I ask for is respect and acceptance for me and who and what I am, something I never got in my last relationship, which ultimately caused it to fail.

But that’s all I want. Like, that’s it, just someone to be close to emotionally, not necessarily physically. I was willing to settle and forgive my ex for some of his flaws, his drinking, his close mindedness, his verbal abuse, even. I’m not getting any younger and I feel like people are just standing by like “yeah, she still ain’t married yet, what is wrong with her? Eggs have a shelf life, ya know?” do I want a family, do I want a husband (or wife Idk) and kids? Yes, and also no. It would have to be a perfect, and I mean perfect, situation, like unrealistically perfect on an emotional, physical, psychological and financial level, the perfect storm if you will. That’s probably never going to happen for me. Does that make me sad, does it make me happy, or do I just get the same feeling I get when I get kissed or touched by someone in that intimate way? Nothing. I feel nothing.

I’ve wondered if there was something wrong with me for a long time, I waited a very long time for my first kiss and as I drove home from my date all I could think was, “ugh, finally, I get to go home and watch a few more episodes of my show!” but what about the kiss? Oh, yeah, well it happened, it was soft and it was wet, that about sums it up, I felt nothing, it was weird. What was I supposed to feel, was it normal to feel this way, did I even like him, oh no, what if I didn’t even like him!? But, I had fun didn’t I, it was a fun evening for sure, I enjoyed myself, I had a good time and when I got home and texted him to assure him I got home safely I told him I had a blast and thanked him for the evening. Then I lied and said I was going to bed and stayed up all night watching Netflix in my natural habitat.

As time went on this relationship began to take its toll on me. I liked him, and he apparently loved me, he said so just three weeks in which really kinda baffled me, but whatever. It was long distance, we lived an hour and a half apart and I was driving an hour to meet him on Saturdays when all I wanted was to be at home by myself. All I could think about all night long was what I could be doing right now if I wasn’t there, I wanted to go home. He bought me some stupid crap, like literal garbage, paper plates and napkins that were Halloween themed but it was so adorable and he was so shy about it, I loved it. But, I started lying about having other things to do so I could avoid going out with him on weekends, not so I could avoid him, I just wanted to be alone. Maybe it’s the drive, I thought to myself, what if I just brought him to my place? As I sit on the couch and look around my house all I can think is how much I absolutely hate having people in my house, it’s my temple, this is where I go to escape, the last thing I want is to share my special space with someone. So, that’s a no. I did like him, but in the end that was all I felt for him. His drunken texts got more and more unforgivable until I put my foot down and told him I didn’t deserve to be spoken to in such a manner, I never did anything to him, why would anyone want to be with someone who speaks to them in such a way. Apparently the texts he has been sending my friends lately are so bad, they won’t even show them to me. So yeah, sounds like he really loved me. I’ve since blocked his number and these past few weeks have been so tranquil, liberating, relieving, stress free, cathartic, self-reflecting, and yeah I could do this all night.

Am I even capable of love? Of course, but intimate love? I don’t think I am. I’ve tried the kissing and the touching and honestly I feel like sex would just leave me feeling empty and even more broken than I already feel, I don’t think I would enjoy it and I honestly feel like it would be emotionally detrimental. So, what happened? Did I wait too long and my natural curiosity and horny, hormonal teenage years die in a hole somewhere? Is it really true what they say about, use it or lose it? I don’t think so, I feel like if I had been your typical horny teen I wouldn’t be a virgin right now. Hell half my friends got pregnant within a year of graduation, the rest all had kids within five years of graduating. I wasn’t a popular kid in school but I was far from the least liked, dorkiest, grossest, weirdest one, even those people got laid. I was never asked out even once by anyone. Normally that could prove scarring and hurtful to most, but did I care? Hell no, I had my goals in mind, I wanted to go to college. And I did! So entered my experimental phase and the first person I ever dated, was a girl named Amy. I loved spending time with her, but in the end she proved to be very manipulative and controlling, so I broke it off. The second person and first guy I dated was a coworker, he was a very sexual person, very touchy and cuddly and, though it took some getting used to, I came to like it and the thought of actually sleeping with him seemed okay, not top priority as sex has never even been on my list of priorities, but I considered it. We dated for five weeks and he dumped me. I was crushed, I cried for days. But when I realized we could still be friends it was very uplifting, we’re still friends and we still confide in one another and I find our relationship much more healthy now that I don’t feel like he wants only one thing and I don’t feel pressured to give it to him.

So why haven’t I had sex yet, will I ever? I dunno, it’s not like I don’t have those feelings, I watch porn on occasion and I masterbate afterward but actually sleeping with another human being just doesn’t appeal to me. I really love being alone, by myself, I’m happiest this way, which is weird for some people, hell it’s weird for me but once I finally came to terms with it, sitting here alone in my house, I felt this inner peace I can’t really describe. I like being around friends and family, I’m not anti-social by any means, I just have no value for sex and for a long time I told myself I would change my mind some day; maybe I should just try it and see how I feel. But I don’t think I’m going to change my mind, this is just who I am. I hate labels, but yeah, aromantic describes me to a tee. I’m just going to stop dating, I always go into it feeling like, maybe this time it will be different, maybe I’ll feel something, I really like this person so maybe I can make it work. I’m just forcing a square peg into a round hole, it’s time to stop and just be me.

[suckitsurveys]

Lot’s of long answers in this one sorry not sorry.

1. Do you like zombie movies? Nah, I’m not into the whole zombie thing. <--Same. I do like Zombieland though.

2. What’s the grossest/worst thing you’ve ever seen in a public restroom? Used condoms. 

3. What’s the most wasteful thing you regularly do? I use a lot of paper towels.

4. What’s the most difficult apology you’ve ever had to give? I’m not sure. 

5. What’s the worst relationship advice you’ve ever seen? I HATE the whole “fighting is healthy” mentality. Yes, bickering is fine, but if you’re fighting all the time, that is not a healthy relationship AT ALL. If your partner is screaming and yelling you on a regular basis, that is borderline emotional abuse. 

6. Have you ever volunteered in a hospital? If not, would you ever want to? I haven’t. And definitely not, I hate hospitals. 

7. What was your worst Halloween costume? All of my costumes have been pretty awesome. I was Lucy from Lucy, Daughter of the Devil one year and no one got it, but I still had fun with it.

8. Who has/had the worst reputation in your graduating class? Eh. 

9. When was the first time you can remember feeling mature? I’ll let you know when that happens. 

10. Have you ever had a disappointing Christmas, or any disappointing holiday if you don’t celebrate Christmas? Yeah. It’s kinda hard to talk about, but about 7 years ago my mother accidentally took her meds twice in the morning and she was completely out of it while opening presents. I got her a really nice chalkboard that she had wanted and she opened it and literally looked at it, said nothing, and put it down to open the next present, pretty much repeating what she did with mine. And when she did say stuff she was very incoherent. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to watch. 

11. Do you have any character bandaids in your house right now, or just plain ones? There are some Batman ones that were mine at my dad’s still. 

12. Have you ever had to give a pet away? Yes. My ex gave me a kitten like 2 weeks before we broke up. The cat was also born to a wild cat that his friends fed but didn’t house, so the cat was, well, wild. He would scratch and bite me in my sleep and probably had worms. And I was too depressed after being dumped to deal with the kitten and I felt SO horrible but I had to give him to a shelter. I really hope that kitty has a good home now. 

13. What’s the junkiest junk food you’ve ever eaten? Oh man, I don’t know. Probably like loaded cheese fries or something. Or a fried Oreo. 

14. Did you play pretend a lot as a child? Were there any recurring plots or themes? Yeah, I pretended a lotttttt. One of the biggest things I did was make cars in my dining room by setting up our chairs. I’d pretend to go on road trips with my dolls. 

15. How do you feel about runny egg yolks? I’m not a huge fan but I don’t mind them. I’d rather them be firm.

16. Has a teacher ever tried to teach you something that was undeniably wrong? Yeah, my 7th grade math teacher was a JOKE. 

17. If for some reason you had to give up one of your hobbies, which would you choose? Maybe Facebook? 

18. Have you ever hidden a relationship from your family? I’ve definitely been in some online ones that I didn’t tell them about. 

19. How much do you know about first aid? Not very much oops. 

20. Which of your relatives do you know the least about? Hmm. Good question. The magic of Facebook has changed this dynamic recently. I used to not know anything about some of my second cousins but I have a lot of them on FB now, so I know at least a little about them. Maybe some of the family I have in TN?

21. Have you ever meditated? If so, did it do anything for you? Yeah. It was nice I guess? I supposed I do my own forms of meditating now, like relaxing in the tub or enjoying being outside. 

22. Have you ever given advice to someone who was much older than you? Yeah.

23. Have you ever used a view-master? Yeah!

24. Do you ever listen to talk radio or podcasts? If you do, what are some of your favorite shows? Sometimes I’ll listen to NPR, and my favorite segments on that station are Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me and This American Life. 

25. When was the last time you got ice cream from a truck? Oh it’s been a while. I’m hoping I can catch one this summer with my niece because she’d love that. We’ve gotten ice cream from one of those bicycle cooler things before and she thought it was so neat. 

26. Are any of your favorite bands broken up or on hiatus right now? I don’t pay attention to that, haha. I do know Die Antwoord is going to break up at the end of the year or already did or something. Like I said, I have no idea about those things. 

27. Do you know any sex workers? If so, how do they feel about their job? I did. She seemed to enjoy it. 

28. What’s the biggest art project you’ve ever attempted? How did it go? Hmm. I can’t think of anything. Maybe my architecture final? That I did pass. 

29. What kind of wild animals do you see most frequently where you live? Squirrels, birds, bunnies, raccoons, and unfortunately skunks. 

30. Have you ever cooked anything other than s’mores over a fire? Yeah, we’ve cooked potatoes and corn in a fire before. And also hot dogs. Oh and beans one time too. 

31. Are there any items in your house that you use for something other than its intended purpose? Hmm. Mark’s night stand is currently a storage box. 

32. What do you hope the afterlife is like? I don’t know if I believe in that or not. 

33. What’s the worst behavior you’ve ever seen from a child? One of the kids at the daycare my sister owns used to communicate displeasure well into his toddler years by SCREAMING and refusing to move. Like would stiffen up and just scream. He was a terror and my sister could not get him adjusted no matter what she tried, and the parents didn’t want to listen either. 

34. Have you ever planned an act of revenge? Maybe little things as a kid. Like one time I was hanging out with my sister when I was about 9 or 10 and she was 18 ish, and then all of a sudden her boyfriend came over and they deserted me. They ordered Chinese food for just them and while they were upstairs, I poured an insane amount of garlic powder in it. But the joke ended up being on me because my sister then offered the leftovers to me. Haha. 

35. Do you and your parents share any of the same hobbies? I mean, we enjoy doing things together, definitely. My dad and I go to Cubs games and watch movies and go out to eat together a lot. He also likes going on trips and so do I. But he’s definitely a lot more interested in music than I am. And golfing. When my mom was alive we enjoyed shopping together, and she liked trips and movies as well. She also collected antiques, which isn’t something I’m super interested in, but I do appreciate them. 

36. Do you think it’s more exciting or scary to get older? Both. 

37. How was the reception of the last wedding you attended? My sister’s wedding was basically one big reception in my dad’s backyard. It was SUPER laid back; there was a small ceremony and then afterwords we had a taco bar and my sister grilled the steak herself in her wedding dress. I loved that part haha. We also had my dad’s friend’s band play and my dad also got up and played a few songs on his guitar as well. Everyone just danced and laughed and had a really great time. It was really fun, despite who she was marrying, haha. 

38. Do you have any physical photo albums? There are a TON at my dad’s house. 

39. Would you feel comfortable working at a sex shop? Eh. 

40. Who was the worst friend you ever had? Aside from lil pre-teen jackasses in middle school, my ex friend Jessica. She was SO into herself she never asked me how I was doing and she thought she was a really good signer and definitely wasn’t. She also pulled some bullshit when my ex and his best friend tried to break Mark and I up early in our relationship. Long story short, when I told her what happened she was like “I’m not going to take sides” (my ex’s best friend was her bf’s brother). UM that situation was definitely something you should take sides in, especially when it happened to your supposed best friend. I stopped talking to her that day. 

41. What’s the biggest sacrifice you’ve ever made? Staying at home longer than I wanted to. I did it so my dad wouldn’t be lonely. I was on track to moving out when my mother passed away and then I felt like I needed to/wanted to stay with him and it ended up being a few more years before I moved out on my own (with Mark).

42. Have you ever campaigned for a political candidate, or otherwise played an active roll in an election? Eh. 

43. What’s the coolest hand-me-down you’ve ever gotten? What about the best one you’ve ever given? Oh man I cannot think right now. I’m sure there have been a few things I’ve given my niece. The only thing I can think of right now is my Barbie collection, even though they are still at my dads and she only plays with them there. They will eventually become hers fully though. OH! The coolest hand-me-down I ever got was my sister’s old room in our parent’s home when she moved out. It was painted blue top to bottom and had a KILLER walk in closet. 

44. Do your parents and grandparents get along with each other? My dad’s mother is my only living grandparent and they bicker A LOT. I think he might harbor some of the same resentment I do against her for treating my mother so horrible when she was alive. And that he’s on his way to retirement but now has to take care of her. And now on his own since I moved out, which I feel super guilty about but that’s a story for another day. This survey is over and I need to sleep.