#But god this scene makes me insane. The way they animated her face......... Terrible horrible obscene. Crushing me

[sepiamestus]

"To survive"

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 301: All My Todorokis

Previously on BnHA: We learned that when a bunch of superpowered villains are suddenly set loose with nobody around to stop them, things get fucked pretty quickly. Old Man Samurai and a bunch of other useless people decided to make “I pretend I do not see it” their new mantra, and resigned. Endeavor had a moment of despair on account of being crushed by the guilt of having ruined the lives of himself, his family, and basically everyone else in the entire world. For various reasons the heretical notion of “person who has done bad things feels sorry for doing them” sent fandom spiraling into a meltdown, so that was fun. The chapter ended with the entire Todoroki clan descending upon Enji’s hospital room to have a dramatic chat about Touya and All That General Fuckery.

Today on BnHA: Horikoshi is all “here’s the story of how Baby Touya slowly went insane trying to win his father’s love.” It’s a tale full of subverted expectations and heartbreaking inevitability, and also like twenty panels of the cutest fucking kids who ever existed on planet earth, who are so fucking cute that I can’t stop thinking about their cuteness even with all of the horrifying family tragedy unfolding around them. It is absolutely ridiculous how cute they are. Touya is out here pushing his tiny body past its limits because he inherited the same obsession as his dad and neither of them can put it aside even though it’s destroying them, and yet all I can think about is Baby Shouto’s (。･o･｡) face. Anyways what a chapter.

so I have to confess that even though I managed to avoid being caught off-guard by the early leaks, the number of people reblogging my Endeavor posts from earlier this week and using the tag “bnha 301” kind of gave me an inkling that this chapter will include more Tododrama lol. that said, I don’t know anything else about it, so we’re still good spoiler-wise

AHHHHH FLAHSBAKC AHHHH. omg I know I typoed the shit out of that, but I’m just going to leave it lol I think it’s fitting

holy shit holy fuck. so this is Rei and Enji’s first meeting, then??

yepppp, oh shit

so wait, I know this is not even the slightest bit important, but are they meeting at Enji’s home or Rei’s? because I always figured that Enji was the one with the super-Japanese aesthetic, but maybe that was Rei’s side of the family all along

(ETA: from what I found during my very brief google search, omiai meetings are often held at fancy hotels or restaurants, so maybe that’s what this is.)

there’s such a period drama feel to this setting. like it’s so outrageously formal fff how can anyone stand this kind of atmosphere though seriously

OH THANK GOD

I mean they’re still stiff af but at least they’re not rigidly sitting in seiza and staring at each other unblinkingly anymore lol. Enji’s actually got his hands in his pockets now. why is this somehow almost cute

oh damn it’s the flowers

Rei seems so subdued and it’s so hard to get any idea of what she’s actually thinking. I want to see her side of this dammit

but anyway, so at least from Enji’s perspective it seems like even though the marriage was arranged and he picked her because of her quirk, he still loved his wife and wanted to do right by her. the fact that he was watching her and noticed that she liked the flowers, and remembered that detail for all these years -- there’s a reason why Horikoshi’s showing us this. we know what’s going to happen later on; we know how much fear and violence and breaking of trust is coming up ahead, and while it may seem like this scene is serving to soften Enji’s character further -- which to be fair it is -- it also helps drive home the full impact of his abuse. that it’s so terrible not only because of the trauma of the abuse itself, but also because of the way it retroactively destroys all of the good things as well. this could have potentially been such a sweet scene, but it’s inescapably tainted by the knowledge of what’s to come, at least for me. and that’s just brutal

anyways, shit. is the whole chapter going to be like this?? feel free to toss in something I can actually make a joke about sometime, Horikoshi

oop, back to the present

omfg lol

“are you all right” “NO I’M NOT ALL RIGHT WHAT THE FUCK.” “oh, right, because of all the stuff that’s happened with me abusing you and you having a mental breakdown and being hospitalized for ten years and then our son coming back to life and killing thirty people, right, right. I almost forgot.” whoops

omfg you guys I’m loving this new and improved steely-eyed Rei. I’m loving her a lot

and what do you mean “part one” fkjds how long is this going to be. TOO MUCH DRAMA FOR ONE CHAPTER TO HANDLE

oh, hello

yeah I’ll say you did. didn’t seem to bother you much at the time, though

HMMMMMMMMMMMM

Dabi Is A Noumu intensifies even further. anyways though would you fucking look at this boy lounging on this moth-eaten couch doing his best DRAW ME LIKE YOUR FRENCH GIRLS impression wtf

Dabi what if you actually had killed him??? what would you feel?? satisfaction?? regret?? anything at all?? tell me your secrets goddammit

who are you talking to buddy

Fuyumi-chan, Natsu-kun (is it common for brothers to address each other as -kun?? can’t recall seeing that in many other anime, but hey), and “dot dot dot,,,,,, SHOUTO” lol thank you so much for this bountiful heaping of Tododrama Horikoshi we are blessed

AH, WHAT DID I SAY THE OTHER DAY

ULTIMATE MELODRAMATIC THEATER CHILD. “I’M JUST GOING TO LIE ON THIS COUCH SHIRTLESS AND ALONE AND MAKE SPEECHES TO MY FAMILY MEMBERS WHO AREN’T THERE AND SAY THINGS LIKE ‘WATCH ME IN THE PITS OF HELL’ WITH A STRAIGHT FACE BECAUSE NO ONE’S THERE TO JUDGE ME.” WELL JOKE’S ON YOU MISTER CHATTERBOX BECAUSE I AM IN FACT JUDGING THE SHIT OUT OF YOU LOL

(ETA: and on a more serious note, it’s interesting to see that “look at me”/”watch me” theme being used again though, because we see that same sentiment uttered repeatedly by the younger Touya in the flashback. well kid, you definitely got your wish at last. don’t know what else to say.)

OKAY HORIKOSHI HAS DECIDED THAT’S ENOUGH FUN, TIME FOR MORE FLASHBACKS

oh my sweet precious lord

just as cute as we left him. giving us a child this cute when we all know full well what’s going to happen to him is just unspeakably cruel though

HOMG

I’m fucking speechless. you broke me, congratulations. what am I even supposed to do with this

I can’t get over this. moving forward my life will be split into two distinct parts, B.P. (Before the Pout) and A.P. (After the Pout)

and meanwhile there’s ALL THIS BACKGROUND ANGST BUILDING UP, AND I CAN’T EVEN FOCUS ON IT. Touya’s arm and cheek are covered in bandages (I’m guessing this is shortly after that “ouch!” panel we got some chapters back), and Enji is deliberately avoiding training with him because he doesn’t want him to hurt himself further. I can’t fucking get over the irony that all this time everyone thought Touya had died because Enji pushed him too far in his training, and it turns out that it’s the opposite -- the tragedy ultimately happened because he didn’t want to push him. but I’m jumping ahead of myself though I guess

by the way,

remember this?? just wanted to remind you that it exists just in case you forgot

so now someone is talking and basically saying that Touya is the exact opposite of what Enji was hoping for when he decided to start playing with quirk genetics

-- okay hold up

...lol no, never mind. for a second I thought “holy shit he looks kind of familiar WHAT IF IT’S UJIKO OMG” before I remembered that Enji would have recognized him during the hospital capture mission if that was the case. so NEVER MIND, PROCEED

IMAGINE THAT, ENJI DOESN’T QUITE SEEM SATISFIED WITH THIS SUGGESTION OF QUITTING NOW

(ETA: how the fuck did this man go around saving 62 towns in a single day what even is All Might.)

[clicks tongue several times] trouble a’brewin’

MEANWHILE BABY TOUYA HAS UNFORTUNATELY INHERITED HIS DAD’S STUBBORN STREAK

KLDIHWOEIJFL:KSDJ

!!!!!!!!!!!

oh my god. oh my god. what is this chapter. WHAT IS IT

so now Touya is all “YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND MY MANLY DESIRE TO BURN MYSELF ALIVE” well you got her there champ

THEY’RE TOO CUTE. OH MY GOD. HIS FURIOUS LITTLE TEARS. HER CHUBBY LIL FACE. HIS STUBBY LIL FISTS. SOMEONE HELP ME

also are they just home alone lol or what. “hey Touya, you’re what, like six now?? do us a favor and look after your baby sister for a couple hours for us would you? make sure not to set yourself on fire or anything.” WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG!!

now it’s nighttime and Enji and Rei are arguing, presumably about his decision not to train Touya anymore

whew. okay. so, a couple of things here

1. first of all I think this conclusively shows that Enji really was trying to do the best he could for Touya. he stopped training him as soon as he realized it was hurting him, but Touya was still determined so he tried to make it work anyway, and even visited doctors to try and figure out if there was anything they could do. then, once they were absolutely sure that it wasn’t going to work, he tried multiple times to explain to Touya why they had to stop. he didn’t just abandon him out of the blue, which is really important to note. “no matter how much I tried telling him...”

so yeah, that debunks another common fandom accusation. so by the time he finally makes this decision, which we all know is going to turn out horribly, it’s basically because he’s already tried everything else he could think of. which, by the way, still doesn’t mean he handled this right. but at the very least he was taking Touya’s feelings into account and he was trying, and he didn’t just abruptly toss his son aside (at least not yet)

2. buuuut, then there’s this panel right below all that

which is the other side of it. if he’d just quit like the doctor person advised him to, that would have been the end of it. Touya would still have been upset, but he would have eventually gotten over it and the family would have moved on and possibly even been happy. but what happens next happens because Enji can’t let go. he still has this maddening urge to surpass All Might, and so he and Rei keep having more children, and then Shouto is born, and Enji finally has a kid he can start projecting all of his hysterical ambitions onto once again, and everything starts spiraling out of control soon after

though p.s. none of that is Shouto’s fault though!! he’s one of the few good things to come out of this whole mess and I’m very happy that he exists. the tragedy is that his dad fucking lost his mind over his quirk and fucked everything up. but that’s on him, not Touya or Shouto

anyways, SLKFJLSHGLKJL

I CAN’T FUCKING TAKE THIS YOU GUYS??? LOOK AT THAT LIL BUTTON OF A NOSE??? I’M LOSING IT HERE???

AND TOUYA JUST SEEMS DEVASTATED OMG

because children aren’t stupid, after all. he understands that his dad is still looking to surpass All Might. and so he feels like a failure, and feels like his dad is trying to replace him because he wasn’t good enough. and even now, isn’t that what the adult Touya is trying to prove?? that he was good enough after all?? “I’ll show you what happens when you give up on me, dad”?? “I’ll show you what I can do”?? fuck my life fuck everything

AND YOU CAN SEE THE TOLL THAT IT’S ALL TAKING ON REI GETTING WORSE AND WORSE AS WELL OH GOD

really nice touch here with the panel outlines becoming all shimmery from the heat of Endeavor’s flames (and/or becoming more unstable as the family gets closer and closer to their breaking point). but man, Horikoshi I can’t handle this, please show us more cute kids or something I can’t

GKELKWFJLDKSHFLKL

WITTLE BABE. BEEB. BUBS. SMOL. lkj; oh ouch a piece of my heart just detached and latched onto him huh look at that

TODOROKI “I’M SO SMALL AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON AND I DIDN’T ASK TO BE HERE” SHOUTO AHHHHH

crazy how they all just seem to know right off the bat lol. kid doesn’t even have object permanence yet, let alone a quirk. but do they care?? IT’S THE HAIR, RIGHT. WE’RE ALL THINKING IT, I’M JUST GONNA COME OUT AND SAY IT. they knew the minute they looked at him lol

AND MEANWHILE TOUYA IS OFF HAVING UNSUPERVISED TRAINING/CRYING SESSIONS IN THE MOUNTAINS OR WHATEVER, AND, UH OH

are those blue flames yet?? they seem pretty close

(ETA: this is one of the few cases where the manga being in black and white is infuriating lol.)

OH MY GOD AND STILL

so it’s not like he was so disinterested that he didn’t notice what was happening, and he was still trying to stop it and get through to him. trying to reassure him that it wasn’t the end of the world and there were other things he could do with his life, but this one particular thing just wasn’t going to happen

fucking hell. it’s agonizing seeing how close they actually were to fixing it. if he’d only said the right words, or if he’d realized at this point how destructive his obsession could be to his kids, and backed off from putting that same pressure on Shouto. we came so close to possibly having a happy ending

AND ALSO THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING BUT PLEASE LOOK AT HOW TOUYA IS LIKE THREE AND A HALF FEET TALL AND HIS DAD IS LIKE NINE AND A HALF FEET. Touya barely comes past his knees flkjlkg. the Todoroki household must have been so filled with like plastic stepstools to reach the bathroom sink and all the little baby toothbrushes, and baby gates to keep the kiddos out of the important grown-up rooms and stuff. and also days-old half-empty cups of water and stale crackers and hot wheels and my little ponies strewn everywhere

“BUT EVERYONE AT SCHOOL SAYS THEY’RE GONNA BE HEROES” a wild Deku parallel appears?? how bout that

I know this is like a pivotal moment in the Todo Tragedy and all, but fucking look at this lil dumpling

“sup bro, it’s me, the manifestation of your fears of inadequacy and lack of fatherly affections. a GAAA. ba-baAA-baa [gurgling baby sounds]”

OHHHHH IT’S THE SOUND OF MY HEART BREAKING OH NO

HE WANTS TO BE LIKE YOU ENJI. good lord somebody please just get this family some therapy

“DAD YOU IGNITED IT IN ME” flkjslkj nope, nope. not ready for this pain here

baby Shouto, would you like to weigh in on this affair? “DA!! ba-ga-daaa, [pacifier chewing noises]” oh my, you don’t say. so insightful for one so young

OH MY GODDDDDD

IT’S SO DRAMATIC BUT ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT ARE THE SHOUNEN WOOSH LINES SURROUNDING FOUR-MONTH-OLD SHOUTO LOL HE WAS LIKE THIS FROM BIRTH OH MY GOD I AM DYING HELP

SHOUTO YOU’RE RUINING THIS ENTIRE CHAPTER!?!?!

“yo, the fuck kind of family was I fucking born into” oh, son. if you only knew. IF YOU ONLY KNEW!!

(ETA: lmao I got so distracted by the ridiculous cuteness that I glossed over the fact that Baby Touya seems to possibly be aiming at him?? it’s hard to tell because he’s also super out of it from heatstroke and may just be losing control in his attempt to show off his upgrade.)

ANYWAY THAT’S THE END EXCEPT WHAT’S THIS LAST LINE OMG

ffffff. and we’re in for ANOTHER chapter of this next week?? MORE drama?? MORE BABIES?? MORE OF EIGHT-YEAR-OLD TOUYA’S SLOW DESCENT INTO MADNESS. MY HEART CAN’T TAKE IT, BUT ALSO YES PLEASE SIGN ME UP

[lesbatiddy]

The Boys: Frenchie, Terror the dog, M.M., Kimiko, Wee Hughie and Butcher

Wondering whether you should watch The Boys?

Here’s a list of reasons for and against to help you decide if you’re on the fence or have been hearing about it from friends or coworkers.

You may know it as the origin of the Invisible Cunt meme or from this scene.

Overall I feel the lazy problematic aspects are outweighed by how good the show is - this is mostly just to warn people about potential content that’s connected to past traumas, phobias, etc. that they’d want to avoid.

Potential mild spoilers and graphic content warning below

Why you might want to avoid it:

- VERY, VERY graphic. If you’re even a little squeamish, this show might not be you. I’m usually fine with gore, but even I felt it was excessive at times. There’s enough blood to make Carrie look like a fucking teletubbies episode. Heads explode and neck bits flop about. You will see internal organs exposed and people cut in half, piles of bodies and laser vision burns. A man’s face is torn off his skull. A bomb explodes in a man’s ass. Family friendly shit.

- Racially motivated violence against POC and racial slurs

- There’s a literal Nazi superhero who commits said violence and goes on a White Supremacist rant. If you join the fandom you may have to deal with fringe individuals simping for said Nazi superhero

- Rape/sexual assault, both onscreen and mentioned, in addition to workplace sexual harassment and a victim of rape having to deal with abuse and harassment from their rapist

- The woman in a relationship with the main character is Fridged (killed off immediately and used as motivation for revenge). Dead women are motivations for more than one character.

- Drug use, on-screen overdoses, violence against animals, child abuse,  kidnapping, and endangerment, discussion and mention of suicide

- Depictions of homophobia; a bisexual women is outed against her will on live television (though this is rightfully portrayed as a bad thing)

- the most HORRIFICALLY DISTURBING FUCKING SEX SCENES

- The show may be setting up for a redemption arc for a rapist dipshit and a man who murders his girlfriend and remains unrepentant for manslaughter he committed. They’re also both being lured into a cult.

- You will feel physical, violent hatred for some of these characters

- You may end up watching the entire show just to watch said characters be graphically murdered to gain closure

- You have to deal with the anxiety of said reviled, hate-inducing characters being extremely dangerous and interact with characters you love and do not want to see die

- Holy FUCK they BETTER KILL THESE MOTHERFUCKERS

- Fucking Nazi shitbag

- /+ You may develop paranoia towards Fresca?

-/+ You may get Billy Joel’s Pressure stuck in your head for a week like I did

- It’s on Amazon Prime so you have to support Jeff Bezos and his shitfuck company, though the show is simultaneously a critic of people like him and corporations? How the fuck does he get away with this shit

Why you should watch it:

+ The premise is people with zero superpowers go around murdering terrible, horrible people with god-complexes in extremely violent ways like a group of homeless insane Batmen and it is very, very satisfying

+ Critiques and parodies how celebrity status and money make people immune to consequences and legal punishment, showcases systemic racism, systemic sexism, offers a not-unsubtle critic of capitalism, biphobia, general homophobia in society and the media, Scientology, corporations, the government’s inability and unwillingness to protect its people, the War on Terror, and politician’s greed and ineptitude - overall very, very relevant today

+ Not unsubtle depictions of how capitalism and nationalism go hand in hand with white supremacy

+ Fantastic writing, other than the flaws mentioned above, phenomenal acting, well-rounded characters you’ll love, the horribleness is broken up by wholesome moments and one-liners top notch soundtrack

+ People of colour in badass roles, disabled character representation, two whole bisexuals the bar is so low but

+ Antony Starr deserves an Oscar for playing the best fucked-up character I’ve ever had homicidal fantasies towards

+ Overall great take on the superhero genre as a whole

+ Karen Fukuhara is extremely attractive (and violent)

+ Karl Urban is extremely attractive (and violent)

+ Better than the comic its based on, don’t @ me

+ They gave “The Female” (Karen Fukuhara’s character), an actual name unlike in the fuckin’ comic

+ Makes fun of Joss Whedon’s bitch ass

+ You DEFINITELY, TOTALLY SHOULD NOT pirate it even if it’s probably easy to do, if you don’t support Am*zon

+ Black Noir

+ The Spice Girls

+ Family-sized lube

+ Billy Joel

+/- Love Sausage

[vernonfielding]

You feel brave little cub-cub

Welcome to my totally self-indulgent, insane and ridiculous Season 7 Countdown Project! For the month of January, I’m planning to post one missing scene fic a day. Yes, that’s 31 stories. I don’t know what possessed me to do this, except it seemed like a fun idea? And I like absurd challenges?

Anyway, on to the first fic! Only 30 more to go!

Summary: Amy and Jake decide to finish the Worst Date Ever after ending their stakeout and catching the bad guys. Takes place during The Bet. (Read on AO3.)

It’s well after 11 by the time they make it back to the precinct and hand their perps off to processing, and Amy is that particular kind of late-night punchy that comes from lack of sleep, physical and mental fatigue and the rush of having just made two arrests that weren’t even on her radar a few hours ago.

So that’s why she turns to Jake and says, “You have 38 minutes left on your date. Where are we going next?”

Jake just stares at her all agog and says, dumbly, “What now?”

Amy glances at her watch and snickers, then shoves it up in Jake’s face. “Thirty-seven minutes now, loser. Look, I just want to make sure we finish this thing so you’re not holding it over my head forever that I bailed early.”

That’s not entirely true – in that, it’s not her reasoning, though now that she thinks about it, that would be such a Jake move. The thing is, she can’t deny, at least to herself, that she kind of wants to see where else this worst-date-ever will go. She’s not quite ready for the night to end.

Jake’s eyes go wide and he nods slowly. She can practically see the gears spinning in his head. She’s sure he’s running over his horrible schedule of events for the night, and his mouth curls up in a look that Amy can only identify as glee. The look gives her a moment of doubt and she takes a half-step back, but Jake’s hands are up, catching her by the elbows.

His eyes are sparkling, his whole face is glowing, and Amy takes in a shuddery breath.

“Come with me,” he says, and wrenches her toward the elevator.

+++

He doesn’t make her put on the dress again, which, thank God. He refuses to even entertain her questions on the 10-minute drive to their next – and final, she presumes – stop for the night: a brick-faced walkup in Bedford. Jake parks in a passenger drop-off zone right in front and rings up at the lobby door and gives his name when a man answers. They’re buzzed in right away.  Amy shivers in the blast of heat when they walk inside.

Jake takes them up a flight of stairs and down a beige-painted hallway, and he knocks on a door at the end, three sharp raps with his knuckles. He gives her an exaggerated wink and the very definition of a beaming grin, so big and joyful Amy doesn’t even try to fight her own in response.

The door cracks open and bald man with more face piercings than Amy can count says, “Quick, inside.” He shoves the door closed behind them and turns about 18 locks.

“Jake-”

“I know, so cool, right?”

“This is so not cool,” Amy hisses at him.

The apartment is empty aside from a single beat-up couch pushed against the half wall beneath the kitchen counter. The walls are covered in disturbing scratches and gouges and what Amy’s pretty sure are patches of old dried blood. The bald man has disappeared.

“If you brought me to a murder apartment for a date, I will kill you.” Amy says, eyeing the majorly locked front door and wondering if there are any other exits. Jake turns and beams at her again and Amy adds, “I am serious, Peralta.”

Then a door back beyond the kitchen swings open and the bald man walks toward them, and in one hand he’s holding a leash. And at the end of the leash-

“Oh my God. Is that-” She cuts herself off, blinking fast as the room takes on a surreal, shimmery quality.

“Yes, Amy Santiago,” Jake says, going down on his knees to greet the approaching animal. “That is a tiger cub.”

+++

“This can’t be legal,” Amy says, for like the fifth time. The tiger cub is curled up in her lap and purring while Jake feeds it from a bottle. It’s seriously the most adorable thing she’s seen in her life, and she has a lot of pretty cute nieces and nephews.

“Yeah, I rented it on the darknet,” Jake says.

He coos at the cub and it blinks its eyes open lazily and rests one fuzzy paw on Jake’s hand holding the bottle. Amy melts.

She’s stroking the tiger’s back, scritching her fingers through its so-soft fur. After eating, the bald-headed handler says, watching them from the kitchen as he sips at a beer, the tiger will want to play for awhile.

They spend two hours with the cub, whom Jake names Goliath (Bald Man is weirdly secretive about the tiger’s real name). Amy rolls around with it on the carpet that smells like stale cigarettes, and Jake rocks it in his arms like a baby, and they both end up with shallow scratches all up and down their arms and tiger saliva in their hair. The tiger makes these grunting, labored crying sounds when it plays, something between a cat’s meow and a baby’s whimper, and Amy knows she’s going to be looking up tiger cub videos on YouTube the next day just to hear it again.

When the bald man finally says their time is up, and lifts the snoozing cub out of Amy’s hands by pinching it at the back of the neck like a mother would (Amy supposes – another thing she’s going to have to look up), it’s hours past the end of their date. Amy’s knees pop as she stands, and Jake stretches his arms up over his head and bends side to side, groaning at the pull of muscles.

He gives her a soft, guarded smile before leading the way out of the apartment and back to the car.

They don’t talk at first, and Jake weirdly doesn’t touch the radio, just lets it play whatever station he had it on before. Some pop song Amy doesn’t recognize crackles over the cheap speakers.

“That was amazing,” she says, as Jake merges into the late-night traffic on Myrtle. He’s looking in the rearview mirror, but she catches his gaze flirt over to her.

“Yeah, it kind of was,” Jake says, voice gone thoughtful, like he’s surprised even himself.

“And seriously illegal,” Amy adds.

“Oh, so illegal.”

They both laugh, and the silence that follows is gentle and easy.

Jake flicks the radio to something she still doesn’t recognize and Amy stares out the passenger window, at the red and orange lights bouncing off rain-slicked streets. She’s thinking that she’s glad she’s not allergic to cats. And that she hopes Bald Man takes good care of that tiger cub (and also that she should definitely report him to animal control in the morning).

And she’s also thinking that this worst-date-ever has been one of the better dates of her life.

“Why a tiger cub?” she says as Jake turns onto her street.

Jake doesn’t answer right away, just pulls next to a fire hydrant right in front of her building. Both his hands are on the steering wheel, thumbs tapping some rhythmless beat.

Finally he shrugs. “I guess I was just inspired.”

“Inspired,” Amy repeats, and he looks at her and nods.

The air in his car has gone charged, and Amy swallows hard.

“By me,” she says.

Jake’s face goes flushed with surprise and it takes her a moment to realize he’s flustered, and he says quickly, “No, what? No. By the bet. I was inspired by the bet, Santiago.”

“Okay,” Amy says, hands up. She thinks maybe she should feel offended but she’s not. “Well- thank you. I mean, for not making tonight too horrible.”

“Oh trust me, I had so much more terrible stuff planned, but-” He stops and lifts his hands in defeat. “Crime’s gotta come first.”

“I think you might want to reconsider that phrasing, but sure,” Amy says with a chuckle.

She reaches for the handle and pushes the door open with her shoulder, because it always gets stuck. She’s halfway out when she feels Jake’s hand on her upper arm and she turns back to him.

“Thanks for being a good sport,” he says. He’s leaning across the seats toward her, and his face is in shadow.

Amy shrugs. “You won.”

“I guess I did,” Jake says.

He lets go of her arm with a goodnight, and he stays idling at the curb until after Amy’s closed the lobby door behind her.

End Notes:

The FANTASTIC @fezzle is taking on the absurdly large job of beta-ing all of these stories. She also totally supported my craziness in planning this thing and gave me prompts and didn’t laugh at my planning spreadsheet even once. I love her so.

The rules of my countdown project are: All fics must be canon-compliant missing scenes, and at least 1,000 words.

Jake/Amy fics will dominate, but I’m deliberately diversifying. All of the main characters will have at least one POV fic. And several secondary/one-off characters will get POV fics too.

The titles will all come from The Lonely Island’s Unauthorized Bash Brothers Experience. This...works shockingly well. The title for this fic is from Let’s Bash (and specifically Andy’s amazing baseball teams frap).

Look, do we know that Jake and Amy hung out with a tiger cub at the end of their date? We do not. But do we know that they didn’t? WE DO NOT.

I will happily take prompts!! Seriously, please send me prompts. If there’s ever been a missing scene you’re dying to read, now’s the time to request it. Or you can really challenge me and give me something super weird (just, no Cheddar or Sgt. Peanut Butter POV). My asks are wide open!

[shoujocentral]

Top 5 Kannazuki no Miko Characters

KnM is one of my favorite anime of all time. The story is unique, the romance is beautiful, and the mecha battles, though divisive, are entertaining as hell. However, the best part of the anime by far are the characters. There's so many of them, and while some are... less impressive than others (*cough* Girochi *cough*), the ones that leave an impact REALLY leave an impact.

Today, I'm here to count down my five personal favorite characters from the Kannazuki no Miko anime. But first, and honorable mention...

Hon. Mention- Makoto Saotome

Mako is best girl. No doubt about that. She's energetic, upbeat, and one of Himeko's few friends. But all of that changes when she loses her entire Track and Field career in the first Orochi attack, and in her grief blamed Himeko. Of course, she eventually comes around and makes up with Himeko by encouraging her during her lowest point. FRIENDSHIP GOALS!

So... why is she only an honorable mention? Well, she's barely in the show. Her only times to shine are in episode 2 and 9, and she's basically non-existent for all the episodes in between. Basically, she's awesome, but awesome only in minimal doses.

No. 5- Reiko Ota

My favorite sub-villain of the bunch. Reiko has a kind of "don't take no shit from nobody" attitude, which is a personality type that I relish. She's a woman of few words, but every word that comes out of her mouth is just pure bliss. My personal favorite is her "Number 69" joke towards Corona (which is actually kinda messed up once you know Corona's backstory). I also love how she's the only one to call out the fact that Tsubasa is gay.

One of my favorite parts of the show is when we learn that Himeko is a fan of Reiko's books. This injects a bit of dramatic irony into her character since she became an Orochi due to her failed career as an author. It really makes me wish that she and Himeko interacted at some point. Oh well, that's what fanfiction is for ^_^

No. 4- Souma Oogami

Ladies, gentlemen, and those of unspecified genders, may I introduce the manliest man who ever man-ed! Souma may not be the most deep or complex character of the bunch, but you can't deny that he's a total badass. His Japanese voice actor has some of my favorite battle screams in all of anime, right up there with DBZ. I get chills everytime he shouts his signature attack "Nichirinkouretsu Daigekiha!"

Of course, he does have a small bit of development towards the end of the series. He starts off with the impression that he needs to protect Himeko from the Orochi. But after Himeko revives Ame no Murakumo by herself, he recognizes her strength and wants to fight the Orochi by her side. Respekt Wamen, my man!

No. 3- Tsubasa

I love this edgy little gay boi! His mech is a darker version of Souma’s, he’s the first villain with a legit air of intimidation, and his fight with Souma oozes awesomeness! He even gets his own insert song, which is a total banger 😎

What I love most about Tsubasa is that, despite being 100% buttfuq insane, he talks to and treats Souma like a caring older brother. When he fights Souma in episode 5, he almost seems proud that Souma has embraced his Orochi powers and has become stronger.

Tsubasa also serves as a great parallel to Chikane. Both become Orochi because of their love for someone. The difference is that Tsubasa is able to see, through Chikane, what a monster he’s become. With that, he sacrifices himself to give Souma strength. Now that’s character development!

No. 2- Chikane Himemiya

"NANI?! Chikane is Number 2??? Get the torches and pitchforks!!!" I know, I know, but please have patience.

What can I say about this actual goddess that hasn't already been said? Even if you've never seen the anime, you can't call yourself a yuri fan if you've never heard the name Chikane Himemiya. She's beautiful, elegant, commands authority wherever she goes, and the biggest damn sweetheart you'll ever meet (specifically to Himeko).

Chikane is by far the most damaged character in the show. She was born into a wealthy family and raised under the highest of high expectations. She had to be perfect at everything, but no one ever took into account the toll this would take on her mentally. Literally, the first person who treats her like a normal human being, Himeko, she ends up falling in love with to the point of obsession. Yeah... she's clearly not all there.

In truth, Chikane falling for Himeko is the worst thing that could have happened to her. She lives in an environment where homosexuality is clearly not the norm, and thus has no way of openly expressing her love for Himeko. This causes her to see herself as "disgusting" and to make up for this, she tries to help Himeko hook up with Souma.

Of course, I can't talk about Chikane without mentioning the most controversial scene. Chikane's decision to make Himeko hate her so she'll sacrifice her to Ame no Murakumo... by sexually assaulting her. She did something terrible, unforgivable, and that's exactly why it's so effective. This is the scene that proves how imperfect Chikane is. She made a horrible decision because she's flawed, she's human.

I could go on about Chikane forever, but that's a topic for a whole other day. Right now, I need to move on to Number 1. My favorite character in Kannazuki no Miko...

No. 1- Himeko Kurusugawa

I know what you're thinking. I know I'm probably the only person on Earth who feels this way. But I'm standing my ground with this one. And here's why...

I identify with Himeko so much. When I was young, during later middle school and early high school, I was weak, unpopular, and cried at just about everything. I believed I was worthless and that eveyone else was better than me. But as I got older, I grew up and became a more confident person, someone who pursues what they want despite the many obstacles that stood in my way.

Granted, the reason for my growth wasn't because I was forced to become a mystical priestess and revive a giant robot god, but that's besides the point.

Coming from someone who may have been the most pathetic kid you'd ever see, what I look for in a protagonitst is someone who's flawed, but more importantly, someone who's vulnerable. In that sense, Himeko is a perfect protagonist. She's the last person you'd expect to be chosen for the task of saving the world. She's a 16 year old girl who puts eveyone's happiness before her own and blames herself for everything that goes wrong in her life. Even her body is unable to take the strain, as she faints almost everytime she faces a dangerous situation.

However, as the show progresses, we see Himeko grow into her own. She becomes braver, wanting to be there for the ones she loves. She becomes stronger, enduring the trauma of sexual assault and reviving Ame no Murakumo all by herself. She learns to love herself, realizing she does have a place in this world and people who care about her.

The only thing that doesn't change about her is her greatest flaw: her undying forgiveness. Her ability to look past everything bad someone has done to her. This applies most to Chikane. Even after Chikane assaults her, attacks Souma, becomes an Orochi, and DESTROYS THE ENTIRE WORLD... she forgives her. Because that's just the kind of person she is.

There's no greater strength that the ability to forgive the unforgivable.

Well, that was a mouthful. I hope y'all enjoyed my first Top 5 list. You may or may not like Kannazuki no Miko as a show, and I can understand that, but I hope my little insight into these characters swayed you just a bit.

Until next time, my fellow yuri lovers! ❤️😊❤️

[elizadoolittlethings]

https://www.room207press.com/2018/01/we-dont-go-back-76-league-of-gentlemen.html

Friday, 19 January 2018

We Don't Go Back #76: The League of Gentlemen (1999-2017)

When

The League of Gentlemen

was first broadcast, I didn't own a TV, and by the time I owned one, I was living with my Beloved, who didn't have any interest in seeing it. Nonetheless, I could tell you a not insignificant amount about the major characters, and reel off catchphrases. I could tell you what it was like. People cared about it. Partly this was because several of my friends adored it, and it entered the referential lexicon of our conversation. But partly it seemed to be present, part of the furniture of our pop culture.

For example, I remember that at the time the university LGB society (the T or the Q were not yet added, which is related to a point I'll pick up later) used pictures of prominent gay and lesbian people on posters for an anti-homophobia campaign and one of them was Mark Gatiss, and I recognised him as the chap from

The League of Gentlemen

. It's fair to say that

The League of Gentlemen

fell firmly into the category of things I'd never seen but which I could take part in a conversation about without getting completely lost.

I never got round to watching

The League of Gentlemen

.

But now this project is Serious Business, there are some things I can't really get away with leaving out. So I committed myself to watching it. A good friend expressed concern that it might be too late for me to do that. I sort of half understood what he was getting at, but only really got what he was about having worked through it.

The usual caveats about how writing about comedy are the antithesis of funny apply here, by the way (I still think my funniest article was the one about

Planet of the Apes

, but I digress).

Honest town signs.

The League of Gentlemen

are Reese Shearsmith, Mark Gatiss, Steve Pemberton and Jeremy Dyson. All four of them write; Gatiss, Pemberton and Shearsmith appear in front of the camera and divide the vast majority of characters, men and women, between them.

It's set in and around the fictional village of Royston Vasey ("You'll never leave!"), in the North of England, where everyone is a grotesque. It's sort of but not entirely sketch comedy.

Some characters appear in most of the episodes: Pauline (Pemberton), who runs a job start course, loves pens and despises the unemployed; Mike (Pemberton), Barry (Gatiss) and their spectacularly messed up mate Geoff (Shearsmith); disappointed musician Les McQueen (Gatiss); Mr Chinnery the vet (Gatiss again), who kills every animal he touches; Hilary Briss the butcher (also Gatiss) who puts something terrible and evil in his delicious sausages; and perhaps the most iconic characters in the show, Edward and Tubbs (Shearsmith and Pemberton), a pair of debased, depraved yokels who run a Local Shop for Local People and who visit unspeakable fates on anyone who comes who isn't Local.

What's all this SHOUTING?

But unlike many sketch shows, the recurring characters' stories progress from episode to episode. So for example, the fate of innocent Benjamin (Shearsmith) at the hands of his finicky aunt Val (Gatiss) and monstrous uncle Harvey (Pemberton) develops and escalates as he realises he might never be able to leave, and begins to formulate a plan of escape. Pauline finds her nemesis in one of her course attendees. Mr Briss's Special Stuff creates an epidemic of nosebleeds.

Many characters appear in no more than a handful of episodes at most, and become the focus of the episodes they're in. The Legz Akimbo theatre company (slogan: "put yourself in a child!") come to visit the local school but their internal tensions destroy the group. A guide leads a party of tourists through the Royston Vasey caves, while replaying a terrible tragedy for which he blames himself. A farmer keeps a man who slept with his wife as a scarecrow in his field. Kenny Harris (Gatiss), owner of the Dog Cinema, engages in a cutthroat business struggle with a rival who's more into cat films.

And then there's Papa Lazarou.

HELLO, DAVE!

Papa Lazarou (Shearsmith) is the single most nightmarish creation of the League of Gentlemen, and along with Tubbs and Edward, is most representative of the show's folk horror elements. He's the owner of the Pandemonium Carnival, which comes to town early in series 2. Papa Lazarou is a nightmare in human form, his scabrous face caked in black-and-white minstrel makeup. He forces his way into people's houses, insisting on calling them "Dave", and intimidating them through an almost supernatural power of domination into giving him their wedding ring, wherein he spirits them away as his slaves, with the phrase, "You're my wife now."

He is genuinely terrifying, and I wonder how that first episode he's in would play if it didn't have a laugh track (only the first two seasons have laugh tracks). And of course he's one of the two places where people most take offence at

The League of Gentlemen.

The most usual objection to Papa Lazarou is that he's in minstrel blackface. But while minstrel makeup is a blot on our culture, it is, it's obvious from the way that Papa Lazarou is framed is that he's supposed to be horrific because he's precisely the sort of person who wears blackface and always wears it.

In his second appearance (the final episode of series 3) there's an insane visual gag revolving around him disguising himself as relatively normal by painting a pale skin tone

over

his blackface makeup, which I found hilarious. But it's also a bit of a problem for a lot of viewers, evidently, because I've read at least two pieces online that interpret the scene as meaning that he's naturally minstrel-toned, which is... Well, I don't know. I'm starting to doubt my own reading a bit, but part of Papa Lazarou's grotesquerie is that you can see how the black and white paint is caked on his face in closeup, and I'm sort of inclined to go with my original reading, partly because it's much less hard to swallow, and mostly because it's a lot funnier.

The League of Gentlemen

is part of a tradition of British comedy and horror alike that deals with grotesque figres: in a show with Geoff, Mr Briss, Pauline, Harvey and, oh God, Edward and Tubbs, Papa Lazarou is just one more of a parade of freaks and monsters. And he is scary, really scary. The episode where Papa Lazarou and his Pandemonium Carnival comes to town (season 2, episode 1) is the point where I moved from a state of "that bit was pretty good" ambivalence to understanding why people consider

The League of Gentlemen

to be an undisputed classic of British TV comedy. Whatever the framing of Papa Lazarou and his freakshow (and notwithstanding the arguments about whether anyone should be making gags about blackface at all, the politics of freakshows is a subject I am simply not equipped to get into), that whole episode is a delirious comic horror and I have seen little to match it.

I can't go to Dorothy Perkins.

The other point where

The League of Gentlemen

gets some flak is in the figure of Babs the transgender cabbie. And the joke with Babs is partly that she's butch and hairy, so that she looks like a bloke in drag (specifically that she resembles the other women characters on the show, only more so), and partly that she's excessively forthcoming about the mechanical details of her transition with her clients. It's complicated by the fact that most of the people of Royston Vasey like her and are supportive of her. No one on the show is ever an open bigot about Babs. She's never deadnamed, for instance. And she's essentially one of the most sympathetic characters in the show. But nonetheless she embodies most of the most enduring transphobic stereotypes, simply by being so grotesque (so much so that we never see her face).

And back in 1999, as I mentioned in passing, we still talked about LGB issues and a lot of us hadn't added the T yet. And it's not as if trans people hadn't been there all along, but trans rights are in the general sphere of discourse now in a way that in the UK they weren't in the 90s. And this doesn't mean that a character like Babs isn't a problem, it means that many of the people who might be aware of the problem now weren't then because it hadn't been pointed out to them. And that isn't an excuse either. It's like all the history that comes back, unresolved, to haunt us.

You could tell that it haunted

The League of Gentlemen

: in the special episodes that aired over the 2017 Christmas season, she's back. She has to be, really: in a lot of ways, Babs acts like a Greek chorus for the unfolding story. So here she is, opening proceedings as ever. Barbara has transitioned successfully now, and she even says that trans people should not be "a source of cheap laughs" just for being who they are, and given that Barbara is a character who has always been framed as having her heart in the right place, as someone you're supposed to sympathise with, it's pretty clear that this is what Dyson, Gatiss, Pemberton and Shearsmith actually think.

But for her to even appear, and it's more or less obligatory that she does, she still has to supply a joke. So now, no longer an Ugly Trans Person, Barbara is an Excessively Touchy Trans Person who seizes on innocuous statements and takes offence to comic effect.

I wonder if Papa Lazarou and Barbara are problems like this because of the way

The League of Gentlemen

engages with its inspirations.

The League of Gentlemen

owes a great deal to classic British TV and cinema of the 60s and 70s, but crucially it engages with that source material in a way that enriches the show. It's instructive here to compare it with

Dr Terrible's House of Horrible

, which is roughly contemporary and which, unlike

The League of Gentlemen

, has not entered the annals of classic comedy. They both get their inspiration from similar places, in fact in several cases the same places – I mentioned

The League of Gentlemen

's odd relationship with sketch comedy, and it's sort of fair to say that it's sketch comedy in the way that an Amicus anthology horror is sketch horror. But where

Dr Horrible

depended on your being familiar with the source material, at least to some extent, to get the gag,

The League of Gentlemen

tells a collection of stories that don't depend on any foreknowledge at all. It's not a parody, and it's not entirely an homage either, although it has parodic elements and homage is threaded through the whole thing.

Rather, it's a comedy that focusses on the absurdity of evil and the equal absurdity of despair and that uses the grammar of classic British horror to tell those stories.

A Beast.

For example, a narrative thread in the fourth episode has workers on a proposed road digging up an inexplicable creature. Mr Chinnery comes to examine it, and proves as incompetent as ever. And while the scene carries a bunch of signifiers that come from Nigel Kneale, echoing

Quatermass

and

Beasts

in particular, and multiplied by the simple fact that Mr Chinnery looks and acts like Tristan Farnham (Peter Davison's character in

All Creatures Great and Small

), the joke doesn't depend on that. It depends on a moment of uncanny horror punctured when the vet's incompetence is revealed once more.

For the joke to land, you don't have to have seen

Baby

or

Quatermass and the Pit

, and while the whole scene is richer if you imagine Tristan Farnham in a Nigel Kneale script, that's not the joke. No, for the joke to land, you just need to have seen Mr Chinnery in action enough for you to be waiting for the moment when he fails catastrophically.

And throughout

The League of Gentlemen

, this texture is present. Royston Vasey is a vaguely comical, Northern-sounding name. But it is also the real name of legendarily foul-mouthed comedian Roy "Chubby" Brown, who himself appears later in the series as the town's mayor. And the joke with the mayor is that he's got a swearing problem, and that's a simple enough joke that you don't need to know who Roy "Chubby" Brown is, or that he's guesting as mayor of a town named after him to get it. That other stuff helps, but it isn't essential.

But the problem with the way that

The League of Gentlemen

mines classic horror and comedy is that sometimes it homages the things that perhaps should be left behind, so you get characters like Babs and Papa Lazarou, who are both beautifully played and well-written comic characters, but who reference stuff that is difficult to justify beyond nostalgia.

The League of Gentlemen

is important as the first sign of the folk horror renaissance that we've had in the last few years. Rather than saying "look at all these ropey old films! Aren't they terrible?"

The League of Gentlemen

embraces them, but crucially makes new things. It's a comedy, but it's also a horror: Edward and Tubbs reference any number of pagan village conspiracies. "We didn't burn him!" blurts Tubbs to the Scottish policeman who comes looking for poor missing Martin, but not before Edward tells Tubbs that she "did it beautifully."  You don't have to know that they're quoting

The Wicker Man

to think they're funny and scary.

There's nothing for

you

here.

The members of

The League of Gentlemen

have taken active part in the rise of folk horror as a recognised genre. Jeremy Dyson scripted the recent film

Ghost Stories.

Shearsmith of course starred in

A Field in England

, and with Pemberton continues to make

Inside No. 9

, an anthology show that combines comedy and drama, and which has had at least a couple of folk horror episodes. The most notable of these is

The Trial of Elizabeth Gadge

, where Pemberton and Shearsmith play 17th century witch hunters. Just like

The League of Gentlemen

,

The Trial of Elizabeth Gadge

isn't a spoof or a parody, it's a black comedy that stands on its own merits, even while it draws inspiration from other sources.

And Reese Shearsmith took part in Folk Horror Revival's 2016 event at the British Museum, hearing about which is how I realised that there was a name for the things I liked.

Mark Gatiss is the man who might be credited for extending the name "folk horror" to a genre (Piers Haggard being the first to apply it consciously to his own film). In his 2010 series

History of Horror

, Gatiss popularised the idea of the Unholy Trinity, and talked at length about

Blood on Satan's Claw

, which probably did more to bring about the critical reassessment of that film than anything else. Gatiss also wrote

Crooked House

, which aired on the BBC in 2008, and the 2013 adaptation of

The Tractate Middoth.

Together with Shearsmith, Gatiss has remade

Blood on Satan's Claw

as an audio drama (released January 2018).

You could argue pretty persuasively that without

The League of Gentlemen

, there might not have been a rebirth of interest in folk horror at all. Without them, it would still be an accidental genre. A local genre, for local people.

My

Patreon

supporters got to see this last week! To support my work and read early, please consider donating. No donation too small.

Posted by

Howard Ingham

at

1:25 pm

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.

interesting read

this pic motivated the search

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQHVqfTZiw_khqpo2AZaRMu1kFLvWgFeO4wkNBNxGKnoLxxu-LI

[crystalkleure]

What do you think of Valt? He's become one of my new favorites after the Burst God season finale.

Valt

Well…sorry for this in advance, but I’m gonna stick to my word and be completely honest, Anon. I can’t stand Valt. Long post warning, it’s going under a cut.

I think he’s two-dimensional and terribly written, primarily. And if he were a side/background character, that might not bother me as much. But Valt as the MAIN CHARACTER drives me insane. That’s bad characterization right up in your face as the main focus of every episode. And it’s worse because so many of the side characters, and even background characters, are so, SO well-written? Even some of of the incredibly minor ones are fleshed-out and nicely detailed. They feel like people. Valt feels like a prop. He is unrealistic.

For one, how is it he only wins in battle when he absolutely NEEDS to? He generally gets his ass kicked often in practice, and occasionally in tournaments [when he’ll for sure have another chance to come back later and whoop whoever beat him in the first match]. It just makes it look like Valt really still sucks at beyblading, but he has plot armour. Other characters even ACKNOWLEDGE that “he doesn’t know how to control Valkyrie, he just fucked up his launch, he basically has NO IDEA WHAT HE’S DOING OH MY GOD” etc. And yet when he NEEDS to win to advance the plot, he does. So what, am I supposed to believe he just has INCREDIBLY implausibly good luck here or something? And another thing, whenever Valt creates a new technique…it’s an accident? Sometimes he doesn’t even REMEMBER DOING IT the first time he pulls off a new thing. People keep chalking it up to ‘instincts’ or whatever but, dudes, this is a highly mathematical game that requires incredible precision, and thus incredible practice, to succeed at. You can’t 'instinctively’ be good at beyblade. This game is too specialized. 'Instincts’ exist in the first place as a basic means to ensure survival. They don’t work like this. Instincts don’t teach you fucking math [unfortunately], that’s why everyone hates school.

One thing…I’ll throw ONE THING out there that could completely annul all of that massive bullshittery, though. And it’s not a nice thing: Possession. People in Beyblade series often get possessed by their beyblades [hasn’t been explicitly stated to have happened in Burst yet, though…or at least, not in the anime. Shuu was literally possessed by Spriggan in the manga, apparently]. And so if Valkyrie gets sick of losing all the time, she might jump into Valt just long enough to puppeteer him into doing what she needs him to do to secure a win when it matters the most. That would explain why Valt often doesn’t remember what just happened when he sometimes, by some miracle, ACTUALLY manages to do something right. Hell, early on in the first season, we got this shot here: [X]. It could be interpreted as Valkyrie literally just…doing that. Adjusting Valt’s launcher position for him.

So, possession would unfortunately explain a lot here. Because the beyblades themselves would of course know exactly how to win in a beybattle. And you know, I may adore Vampire Theory because of the sheer ridiculousness of it, but most of the people I jokingly say must be vampires could also just as easily be interpreted as being possessed. Glowing eyes, unnatural strength, scaring animals away, acting sort of feral in general? Could be a vampire, could be a kid possessed by the warrior spirit living inside of their plastic top. Might make more sense, considering these “vampires” don’t exactly spontaneously combust in the daylight…and that’s kind of a defining “vampire” characteristic, ahem.

And also, I’ll say that if I’m correct about the possession thing, all that does is make me like VALKYRIE more for sort of mothering her stupid hopeless blader child. It doesn’t really raise my opinion of Valt much. In fact, it kind of makes me agree with Lui back when he said “You’re a horrible blader. I feel sorry for that bey.”, because Valt’s too damn stupid to actually figure out how to play the game and Valkyrie is having to do all of the work for him. But I do like that if she’s possessing the idiot kid, she’s only doing it when she feels like it’s absolutely necessary, and not just all the time like a controlling bitch [I’m looking at you, Lightning L-Drago from MFB].

But aside from what may be terrible lazy writing in regards to Valt’s inconsistent beyblading “skills”, there’s another reason I don’t like him that might be worse.

Valt isn’t a very good friend. And yet he’s supposed to be like “the power of friendship” incarnate here. But Valt’s friends have all sorts of problems they often need help with, they melt down and self-destruct around him all the time, and…he usually doesn’t even notice**. And when he does, it’s because somebody else noticed first and made a fuss about it to everyone else. Valt does not actually help his friends with their serious issues. He’s only really good for providing stale, generic, constant-yet-impersonal cheer. “HERE, LET ME THROW SOME OF MY HAPPINESS AT YOU. BETTER NOW, RIGHT??” No. In fact, that can actually make it worse. If they are sad about something, let them be sad about it instead of basically guilt-tripping them, whether intentionally or not, for not being happy with you and thus making them feel bad for bringing down your good mood [I’m thinking specifically about Shuu grieving over his broken Storm Spriggan here. Let him mourn, Valt. He’s not going to get over that immediately.].

**Shuu with…well, everything. Dyna with the cheating guilt issue. Wakiya with his massive perfectionism pressure. Kensuke when he realized he was going to have to move again but hadn’t told anyone yet. Boss with his constant feelings of inferiority. Yet Valt was not a main player in helping any of them get through any of these issues. Dyna had to help Shuu with the shoulder thing and moral support in general. Shuu had to help Dyna with the cheating guilt. Hoji and Shuu had to help Wakiya with the perfectionism meltdown. Dyna was the first to notice something was off about Kensuke [I think. Might be remembering wrong. But I know it wasn’t Valt who picked up on it first.]. Kensuke tried to give Boss some advice on how to improve his beyblading technique [GOOD advice. “Don’t be a one-trick pony.” A shame that Boss DIDN’T LISTEN TO IT…]. Even when some of them just randomly start bickering with eachother, Valt is never the one to jump in to split it up [it’s USUALLY Dyna, but not always]. Valt is more like the hyper team pet than an actual good friend, it seems. He’s not good at being useful.

Though, ONE thing I can say Valt did that was a mark of good friendship was helping Wakiya off the bridge. I’ll give him that one. Granted, literally any of the others could have done exactly what Valt did in that situation, he was just the quickest to run onto the bridge with the rope, but still. That was good. He actually managed to do a good thing there.

Also, since you brought up the God finale, I’m gonna say again what I’ve said before; Valt screaming at Shuu for a little while just doesn’t seem like it should have undone all of Shuu’s built-up trauma just…like that. [Disclaimer though, I don’t know what Valt said, but just judging from Valt in all instances prior to this it probably wasn’t anything too thought-provoking] The finale really felt like a super rushed asspull to me. Shuu didn’t need screaming, and then generic happiness from someone who doesn’t even know what happened to him. Shuu honestly needs literal therapy after that. And time. Just like at the end of s1 with the broken bey issue, he can’t be expected to just get over this and be truly happy again at the drop of a hat.

And another thing, while I’m on the subject of s2 Shuu; Yeah, Valt did reach out to Boa to ask about what happened to Shuu down in the Snake Pit. He gets points for that. But this scene is one of the reasons I love Boa so much. Boa basically told Valt off for preaching about friendship all the time, and yet not actually being a particularly good friend. “Red Eye” really did NOT feel the same way about Valt at the time. So Boa’s reaction to Valt here seemed to basically be like “Even if I tell you, what good would it do anyone? What are YOU gonna DO about it now? You’ve already burned this bridge, your 'friend’ doesn’t even like you anymore. Give it up, you’re too late to help now even if you think you finally know how.”And that thought isn’t 100% accurate because Shuu didn’t actually HATE Valt even then, and I think Boa probably should have given Valt the details of the situation just to encourage him actually TRYING to help, but. He did have a point. Valt’s “power of friendship” really can’t make this right. And even after the finale, I don’t quite think it did. Shuu isn’t brainwashed anymore, but he’s still messed up. So yeah, Valt ASKED about the Pit, but what would he have really DONE with that information? Definitely nothing constructive. Unless maybe he relayed it on to Wakiya, Dyna, etc., because THEY could have actually had a shot at effectively talking to Shuu about it, maybe. Literally everyone else is better at actually helping with problems than Valt is, and even BOA could see it.

Scoring at 3/10, and I’m trying to be generous. I could cut him SOME slack and say his, well, frustrating immaturity is because he’s only 11, but that really loses impact when you take into consideration that all of the other main characters [Shuu, Boss, Dyna, Wakiya, Kensuke] are all 11 too, and they all do better than Valt.

And Valt’s not the main character anymore. I might start to like him better as s3 goes on, as the non-main characters do tend to be just…written better in general in BeyBurst. And I think that’s probably a marketing tactic, actually: Keep your main character mascot kid as generic as possible, in order to [in theory] appeal to as many different people as possible. Actually giving your mc a real PERSONALITY [that isn’t just bland, 2-d enthusiasm and cheerful happiness] might hurt your plastic toy sales because some people would stop watching the show because they disagree with your mc in too many ways [like, if the personality you give your mc clashes with theirs, which would be inevitable with ANY sort of personality type, really. EVERY personality type has another type that just really, really hates it.]. So maybe Valt will finally start to feel like a person now that he’s not allergic to having, you know, a personality. In s1 and s2 he was really only good at screaming and crying. That’s not a personality.

[absoluteabsolem]

I have seen Beauty and the Beast and I have a lot of things to say so.. here I come (spoilers, spoilers everywhere).

I won't lie, I went to the cinema with a lot of skepticism and apprehension because I legit thought it was going to be average at best. See I've always loved the animated version and it holds a sacred place in my Disney-fan small heart, so I was a bit scared they'd ruin it because well, what if the Beast is horrible, what if Lumière and Cogsworth and the whole family are completely messed-up, what if everything goes wrong, what if Emma Watson isn't a good choice for Belle after all, what if Be Our Guest is terrible, what if all the songs lose their magic even though Alan Menken is back for the soundtrack, what if what if what if.

My experience was a bit different than it would've been if I had seen the film in my regular cinema. You see, Beauty and the Beast was my very first IMAX experience (and my eyes took their time to adjust to the incredible visuals). It was amazingly beautiful, especially during a few scenes I'll mention later. Mind you, I didn't love everything in this live-action, but my global impression is more than positive. My expectations were low to say the least, and gods was I wonderfully surprised.

I got chills the moment I heard the first notes of the prologue, mostly because of the nostalgia. I think Alan Menken adapted the soundtrack as best as could be done, but some parts lacked a bit of the original magic in my opinion. The prologue has always been my favourite instrumental part, and the beginning of it wasn't as powerful as the original one (once we get to the enchantress, the instruments take you somewhere else entirely though). The introduction is narrated by Emma Thompson, and that was a wonderful idea. I've always loved her voice and damn she does the job. Everyone needs to know that.

A song was written for the film to present the arrogant and empty Prince as well as the people who lived with him; I disliked it, very much. There are two songs I always skip while listening to the soundtrack, and it's one of them. It made me feel nauseous at the very sight of the Prince, the whole scene was incredibly disgusting to my eyes and ears. Not because the actors and the song were terrible, but because of the toxic atmosphere coming from all these people.

Then the Enchantress showed up. She had some Galadriel vibes, she was mesmerizing. It was my « oh, I guess it won't be so bad » moment, that's when I decided I would stop living in fear of every single scene. The Enchantress my dudes, the Enchantress was perfect. Something I loved in this version is that they covered every narrative error (there might be new ones but I didn't see them); the Prince hasn't been a Beast for 10 years so he wasn't 11 at the time but already a grown-ass bitch; the Enchantress erased everyone's memories of the castle and the people who lived in it, thus why no one ever looked for them. Also, every time a petal falls, the dishes lose a bit of their humanity (until they turn into litteral objects once the rose has died) and the castle crumbles a little. I think it makes the whole thing a bit more adult, it adds a dark side to an already quite gloomy story (when you think about it).

I loved the way Belle's song was filmed, the choregraphy was incredible, and my heart melted when Emma Watson sang the part about the book she's reading. Of course it's also the time we get introduced to Gaston. LeFou and Gaston's dynamic is amazing, they're both far more fabulous in the live-action. Their dialogues never failed to make me laugh, and a few scenes with Maurice were just perfect.

Since I'm talking about Maurice, another moment created for this film was a short song sang by him once Belle comes back home, and I loved it. Maurice has a real personnality here, you get attached to him quite quickly, Kevin Kline did a wonderful job. You learn a lot of things about Belle's mother. Every single character has a real backstory here and it was interesting to discover all these new things (even the Enchantress is a more or less regular character). Even Philippe is still a mighty hero.

The first time Belle and Beast meet was great, they changed it a bit because her father doesn't want to leave so she throws him out of his cell and locks herself in it. Also it's Lumière who opens the door to show Belle her new room, so it clearly shows than the Beast does not give a single fuck about Belle at the time when he was a bit more polite in the animated.

Once we go back to the village, it is of course, time for Gaston's song, and it's beautiful, though less exaggerated as could be anticipated (animation has no limits right). LeFou steals the show here (and he's totally gay for Gaston). There's an instrumental part in the song where everyone is dancing on the tables and all and it was so cool you guys. I was waiting for this scene to come and I was not disappointed.

I didn't rly mention Lumière & Co before please forgive me; Ewan McGregor's completely failed French accent is the best thing I've ever heard, everyone is perfect in their roles but what can I say Lumière has always been my fave. The design of everyone in the castle in so on point my dudes ! I gotta say I have a bit of a problem with the permanent duck-face of the Beast but hey they did their best (plus you only notice it when he's not moving and the camera is focused on his face).

But now my dear friends, now is the time to talk about the very best thing in this film. The song we all waited for (nO I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT EVERMORE YOU LITTLE SHITS), the song that made me wish I could visit that bloody castle when I was a kid..

Be. Our. Guest.

You guys. Fellow bros. You all need to see and listen to Be Our Guest. It's perfect, it's a magical experience, Ewan McGregor is wonderful, the choregraphy is so mind-blowing the special effects team probably had a few nervous breakdowns while doing Be Our Guest and it was worth all the struggle. IT WAS SO FUCKING GORGEOUS ALL THESE COLOURS *coughs* srsly watch this film in IMAX if you can. I couldn't stop smiling during the whole scene (also I cried a little because I loved it so much but shhhh). There are no words to truly express how I felt during that moment, I wanted to sing along and annoy everyone in the cinema but I didn't 'cause I'm a nice person. It was flawless.

The way the Beast and Belle slowly discover each other is still lovely af, especially when he shows her the library (in a different way than he does in the animated and I gotta say I prefer this version, it was funnier but still in character). They spend a lot of time together reading lots of books and you can feel time passing by where it could seem like the story took 3 days to happen in the animated (and thus giving assholes a reason to shout WOW STOCKHOLM SYNDROME WOW WOW)

And while we see a romance blossoming we can also observe Gaston revealing his rotten core, his charming mask falling to show us what a monster he is. Luke Evans is absolutely terrifying in this film. He just seems kinda dumb at the beginning but then LeFou fails to calm him and the real beast of the film is released. We see it when Gaston tries to kill Maurice by leaving him unconscious in the woods after failing to find the castle, but in the Mob Song it's truly terrifying. I've read a few reviews and everyone agrees that the Mob Song in the live-action is far, far better than the animated one. The only complain I have is that the camera doesn't focuse on Gaston during the whole thing, and it's not a very important detail so yeah, the Mob Song slays (also Luke Evans sings divinely and LeFou has a great line in the song you need to listen to it just for that tbh).

(if you've seen the film you'll notice I didn't talk about Evermore because I hate that song even if the idea of the Beast climbing his castle to see Belle leaving breaks my heart, I think it was ridiculous. Sorry guys)

OH ALSO I FORGOT but there's a new song taking place after Belle enters her room for the first time, and everybody sings in it, it's kind of a different version of Human Again but better in my opinion. It's so lovely, the lyrics are simply beautiful.

aNYWAY this is getting quite long so I'll try to make it quick. The battle between Lumière & Co and the villagers is really cool, it's also the moment Gaston betrays LeFou so he decides to join the good guys, because LeFou actually is a nice person.

I'm kinda disappointed Gaston's hair isn't loose when he fights the Beast in this version because I just really love long hair and it made him look even more insane. He also uses a gun instead of a knife and shoots the Beast four times if I recall well. His eyes are cold af while he does it but I think killing someone with a knife is more personal and shows more hatred than using a gun, so I was a tiny bit « meh » during that part, but it was still breath-taking. Gaston telling the Beast he's there to kill him because Belle sent him, then the last spark of hope leaving the Beast's eyes THEN BELLE SHOWS UP AND GASTON GETS FUCKING REKT BY THIS GIGANTIC ANGRY LION anyway it was great I just like to rant about details no one else notices.

But then !! shit happens !!! the Beast dies before Belle tells him she loves him, the last petal falls, Lumière & Co turn into objects, despair and sorrow is everywhere, tHE CURSE IS NOT BROKEN BUT DO NOT FEAR MY DUDES THE ENCHANTRESS ENTERED THE CASTLE WITH ALL THE OTHER VILLAGERS AND SHE SAW THAT BELLE LOVED HIM SO SHE BREAKS THE CURSE HE COMES BACK TO LIFE AND HE TRANSFORMS

THE RIDICULOUS FIREWORKS ARE NOT THERE IN THE LIVE-ACTION

DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I WAITED FOR THOSE SILLY THINGS TO GO AWAY ???

HAVE YOU ANY IDEA HOW LONG I WAITED ?

TWELVE YEARS

IN AZKA- wait a second

anyway

I absolutely loved the transformation, the music was beautiful and there was a golden mist and petals around the Beast it was so, so perfect. THEN BELLE SEES HIS EYES AND SHE'S LIKE « IT IS YOU » AND I'M LIKE YES IT'S HIM YOU FUCKING IDIOT DIDN'T YOU SEE HIS PORTRAIT IN THE FORBIDDEN WEST WING THAT DOESN'T EXIST okay no I didn't think that but I could have

Then everyone becomes human again and we see Cogsworth trying to run away from his newly-returned wife, Lumière and Plumette discreetly leaving because they're horny af, Mrs Potts hugging Chip and everyone's happy and Gaston's corpse is rotting somewhere and LeFou has a new boyfriend and people sing and everything's fine now, and I'm so happy I saw this film in IMAX it was absolutely worth it and you should all give it a try even if you're an annoying purist motherfucker like me (jfc this is a very long review I'm so sorry).

[horror-movie-blog]

HMB: The Houses October Built

Original Publishing Date: May 8th, 2015 

Hey, do you want to watch OTHER people having fun? Do you want to see other people shoot zombie with paintballs in a horror theme attraction? Or see other people walk through a haunted house? Or other people go to a zombie themed strip joint? Well then this is the movie for you! Everyone else will get super bored and pissed off. The Houses October Built is a film about a bunch of people going to haunted attractions in celebration of halloween, then the film makers realized they can't just film their vacation and pass it off as a movie so they shoe horned in some bullshit about hillbillies wanting to kill the main characters. Nothing pisses me of more than a movie with potential, and this is a big one. Think about it, a serial killer in a haunted house attraction! You have no idea who is acting crazy or who is actually insane. And it's in the style of a found footage movie, which for that scenario would be brilliant because then you'll feel like you are actually there. But no, that's not what we get. Instead of staying in one location, they jump around to different attractions. Why? Why couldn't they just stay in one place? This creates a huge problem with the movie where there needs to be a connection to all these places, because after the characters have their fun and return to their RV they encounter something creepy like a clown standing still in the middle of the road or a doll-face girl screaming to the top of her lungs (originality at it's finest). Since these people are just messed up hillbillies and not anything supernatural, the movie has a hard time explaining why all these people are connected despite living miles away from each other? And the answer they did come up with is rather insulting. They imply that all the people who worked at these places, not few people, ALL of them, are apart of this cult-like group that, by the end of the film, abducts the characters, bring them to another haunted house attraction, and kills them. The reason why I find this insulting is that they are implying that anyone who works at one of these places has no control over themselves. They interview real people who work at real haunted house attractions and they edit the interviews to make it seem like these people are psychopaths. They ask them what's the worst thing they ever did to someone while on the job, they question if they are capable of hurting other people, ect. I know they're not really saying all employees at these places are bad people or anything like that, but it kind of comes off that way. But that's not the worse thing in the movie. The worse thing in the movie are the characters. By the end of this movie, I wanted to strangle these people. They are fucking annoying! Everything that comes out of their mouth has to be a quirky statement or something having to do with haunted houses. They have no personalities, they have no character, heck, I don't even know their names! All I know is that they are so quirky and such party animals, don't you just want to root for these guys? No. No I don't. It wouldn't be so bad if it was like one scene where they acted like this, but no, nearly one third of the movie is just these assholes making fun of each other and talking about haunted houses. The other third of the movie is spent watching them go into haunted houses and having a fun time while you sit in your chair bored out of your mind. The fun does not admit to the viewer because the viewer doesn't give a shit about the character. We have fun when we see a character we like have fun, not some guy you threw right in front of us and said, "Here's your visual for the movie"! And that climax... I swear to God, if I heard them say "What's going on" one more time... Okay, let me tell you what I'm talking about. So the characters are looking for this attraction that is suppose to be like the El Dorado of Haunted House Attractions, which is run by the hillbilly-cult people I mentioned earlier. The cult bags these characters, takes them there by bus and shoves them into the house one at a time to be killed off. And the whole time these idiots think this is all apart of the attraction. And so we have minutes of some idiot walking around the house going "Hey man, this isn't funny any more, knock it off" or "Something isn't right" or like I said above "What's going on?" And the editing and filming of the climax, I nearly forgot, mainly because whenever something grim was going to happen to the characters, they cut away. This is suppose to be found footage, you know, raw, unscripted genuine horror feel? I hate found footage films with "magic editors". It takes away the imagination when you realized the footage isn't linear and has been edited to fit a normal movie's format. Also, why was this movie a found footage movie? It made sense in my made up version of this movie, but not when they are jumping all over the place. This results in excuses, like "How are we suppose to film the climax if all the characters are tied up and held hostage? I know, let's have the bad guys film them! Because... they're crazy! They don't need to make sense!" Like I said, excuses. How can we film someone breaking into the RV and watching the characters? There are cameras hooked up in and out of the RV? Why? No reason. So that's all I can say about this movie. I really don't recommend this movie, it's horrible written, the plot makes no sense, and the characters are terrible. If I can say anything good about the movie is that the actors and actress do an alright job. Not great, but alright. It doesn't even out the movie though. Only watch this movie if you are in desperate need of a horror movie to watch. If not, please avoid this movie, unless of coarse, you want to watch other people have fun.