#But every survey I've made sure that this was my no.1 suggestion.

[akuma-ren]

I think we need to make a collective effort to speak up about getting different skin tones for the mc chibi avatars.

This game prides itself on being "immersive". yet it can't put in the simple effort to change the color of a layer and putting the icons in pack to choose.

There's a slider to change every little detail in our face, yet we can't even get the proper skin tone for our character.

Ive been playing pretty much since the beginning and not once have I brought an mc avatar. its really disheartening because they're really cute!

Im used to being "pale" by default in other otomes, and I would let it go if deepspace didn't have the extent of customization that it does. But it does. There's literally no excuse for this.

[praetorqueenreyna]

Man, I fucking love creating surveys just to ignore the results and criticism because they don’t match my personal opinions and biases! Don’t you? Oh wait, I don’t need to ask, I can see from the many dismissals of valid criticisms in your posts that you do too! Fuck yeah!

You're feeling SO good about this, aren't you. You really showed me, the lesbophobic hate witch haunting the ACOTAR fandom. So fine, I guess I WILL keep having the same conversation. Also btw, taking my survey multiple times to suggest "any wlw ship" and accusing me of homophobia is not the slay you think it is.

Not to absolutely BLOW your mind, but the ships listed in the survey are the most popular ships in the fandom. If I tried to include every single rarepair, each question would have 100 options, and the survey would be unusable. And, also not to freak you out too much, but the core demographic of this fandom is straight women, who prefer straight ships.

Here are the stats so far for the "favorite ship" question.

20% is Feysand, 18.5% is Nessian, 13.3% is Elucien, and the pink and light blue on the left are Neris and Elriel.

You see that lil highlighted section at the top? The pink one? That's Emorie. One person has voted for it as their favorite ship. It's slightly more common as a second and third favorite ship (about 10 people have voted for it in each category). And that's for THE most popular wlw ship. There have been maybe one or two suggestions for other wlw ships, each with only 1 vote. So maybe my "personal bias" that this fandom is heterosexual and only ships the straight ships has been somewhat validated. To add wlw ships to this list that nobody is going to pick would be virtue signaling, just as you feeling righteously angry at ME over this fandom ignoring wlw ships is useless virtue signalling.

I'm in the main ACOTAR tag almost every day. I see the content that is being made. This fandom does not make content for wlw ships. I'm not exactly sure how that's MY fault. I'm not adding ships to "be inclusive," I'm doing it to collect accurate data for this fandom.

Hmm, well, nobody can say I don't do my research. Let's check out AO3 for those super popular wlw ships!

Weird. Well why I don't I check out YOUR AO3, @ablogofsapphicpanic? Surely you have been churning out wlw fics left and right, since you've seen fit to throw such a stink about this.

Oop, what's this? Only the straight canon ships? Thus confirming everything that I've been saying? Weird.

Also btw, when you take the survey, it tells me what time each submission was entered, so I can tell that the ones bitching about wlw ships and claiming I hate women submitted 2 minutes apart are from you. Anyway, have fun in the "other" category with the tamlin stans!

[forestwater87]

Okay, for all of you who don't feel like watching Miles RP as David

Here are some of my favorite quotes. Context may be added if I feel like it. Reactions are my goblin brain screaming. All of these came from a discord so if they don't make sense . . . see goblin brain comment.

(That link should start directly at the point where he becomes David; if it doesn't, skip to 1:40:33)

In roughly chronological order:

David: "Teachers are sort of like camp counselors during the rest of the year."

The thing is David is absolutely up his own ass enough to think this.

David: "Trail mix is expensive!"

^ said to show he understands why not everyone can donate to the charity for teachers. Very adorable, am crying.

David's "ooooh" seeing one dude was extremely non-heterosexual. Fucking bicon. Him losing his mind that one of the arenas is called "Survey camp"

David: "A person's hitting me -- I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry this is just pretend!"

This is just canonically how David plays video games. Either this or he's unwilling to commit violence at all, but I'll defer to Miles.

David: "That's very goat of you!"

Spencer: "Is David popular amongst his campers?"

David: "I like to think so! There's only 3 staff members, so I'm definitely in everyone's top 3."

"That also means you're in the bottom 3."

David: "Well, I choose not to think of it that way."

(I have to keep adding reacts so you can tell when one quote ends and another begins. Judge not lest ye be judged)

I think the other person in the stream is named Spencer. Friend of Miles. I know literally nothing else about him and am not even confident on those facts.

Every time he says something so non-David in his David voice I die: "I have a lot of grenades!"

David: "Oh my goodness, would you look at this beautiful scenery! Can we hike that mountain?"

This is so goddamn cute. I am dying. Miles looked at his fans and said "they will eat tonight" and I am so relieved.

David: "Not to be a couple of Greedy Garys, but I say we get this [care package] and then I'll drop another one!"

The fact that Miles is grinning like a lunatic the entire time is very good. (Also if this is formatted badly then I'm sorry but not all that sorry. I'm doing my best and David would be proud of me.)

David: "Didja getim? Didja getim? didja getim? How 'bout now?"

Spencer: "I didn't get 'em."

David: "Well, you tried your best and that's all that matters."

He calls healing "a little health kiss." I'm not sure why but it's very important to me.

David: [while jumping to murder someone] "Hi! Scuse me!"

(i just need something to separate the quotes okay)

David: "Well you know what gang, we did our best. You don't always win the 3-legged race. You did a wonderful job!"

Then there's a bit where they talk about Spencer's time at summer camp:

David: "ooooh hand-holding's pretty serious!"

David is too pure.

David: [dreamily] "Did you fall in love, Spencer? A summer love?" [puts hands up to his face]

Then there's the fact that David/Miles gets to pick where they play each round, and he keeps insisting on going to the one called "Survey Camp" every single time because it has the word "camp" in it.

David: "Now, I don't like to disagree, but . . . I was thinking we could go . . . to Survey Camp!"

Spencer reminds him that technically since David's the one with the power to choose, his opinion is the only one that matters:

David: "Everyone's opinion matters. And my opinion is we're going to camp."

David just steamrolling over Spencer's interests is very good. There are these little selfish nuggets sprinkled in among the wholesomeness that really capture the full David experience.

David: "Well, he's climbing up . . . he's coming my direction . . . oh, he looks scary . . ."

Spencer: "Is he coming towards me?"

David: "Oooh, I don't know. I'm dead!"

The positivity is relentless. I think Miles said on twitter afterwards that this whole thing was exhausting and I can see why. Being David is no picnic . . .

David: "I have a question: do we have to shoot each other in this game?"

And then a few seconds later:

David: "I'm just wondering if maybe there's a way we can, you know, help others. Talk through our issues."

And a few seconds after that:

David: "I was asking if they wanted to be friends in the game!"

I believe that moved killed him, too. Precious.

Also we're interrupting the real Miles!David content to share something my friend suggested to me while I was watching this and giving her quotes; she said that maybe David just calls everything camp to make life more fun, and then sent me this imaginary exchange that actually killed me all the way to death:

David: Gwen Santos would you go to marriage camp with me

Gwen: I'm going to have to change this story when I tell everyone

It made me laugh quite a bit.

Anyway, back to the video!

Spencer: "How do you sign up for [Camp Campbell]?"

David: "Well, um, you can fax, uh, an application to CameronCCampbell@hotmail.realwebsite.noreallyrealwebsite.com. And . . . you can know that myself and Gwen and Quartermaster and sometimes Mr. Campbell will do our best to make sure they get what they need! Which more than anything is love and support. And friendship."

Spencer: "How many dollars does this camp cost?"

David: "You know . . . it is, um . . ."

And then the conversation switches subjects and David breathes a sigh of relief.

Very shortly after this he changed his character from a woman (she was wearing a yellow shirt, which he liked because the campers wear yellow shirts) to "a Forward Scout with a positive attitude!"

"I like his style."

Spencer: "Does everybody abuse David verbally?"

David: "You know, sometimes people have harsh words. Mostly Max, and Neil, and Gwen, and Quartermaster, and Nurf."

Spencer: "Did you just list almost everyone?"

David: "Mmm . . . I'd say maybe a third."

Poor David. Somebody please protect him.

Spencer: "Yeah, I think people abuse David. I get that vibe. Or at least, I feel it in my heart. Like I wanna put ants in your bunk or something."

David: "Well, I think that says more about maybe some of the hurt you're carrying with you. And sometimes when people don't know how to process that, they act out. Do you want some trail mix?"

David just said his favorite part of trail mix is the raisins which is so cute. "They have a little bit of salt on them, which isn't typical for a raisin."

And he keeps telling chatters to watch their language.

David: "Who is my favorite camper? Aww, you know I couldn't pick a favorite! . . . But I know who has the most potential, even if he doesn't want to admit it."

I KNEW IT!!!!!

I've been saying for years that David doesn't have a favorite and gravitates towards the ones he thinks need him the most AND I FINALLY GOT ONE RIGHT!

David: "Well you know, Gwen swears and that's okay."

shipping intensifies

David: [gasp] "The moss is growing on the north side of the rock!"

Every time he nerds out about weird shit in the game I gain 3 seconds to my life.

Spencer: "Did you get teabagged?"

David: "What's that?"

Spencer: "It's where somebody places their most intimate bits on you for . . . friendship."

David: [softly] "Oh, I don't know about that."

Also David confirms that the whole show has been a single summer, so please see the "vindication" gif above.

David: "I know a lot of fun camp songs."

Spencer: "Sing 3."

David: [starts singing] "Bum-bum-bumblebee, bumblebee tuna, I love bumblebee, bumblebee tuna . . ."

Spencer: "Okay, please stop. I immediately regret this decision."

David: "Max said the same thing! One of my campers. And, uh, and my co-counselor, Gwen."

He's literally made of sunshine. I would die for this fictional man.

Spencer: "Are people at camp against their will? I feel like they are."

David: "No! . . . They don't always like it immediately, but it grows on them."

Spencer: "It sounds like they're there against their will."

David: "Well I just think that's a negative way of looking at it."

FWIW Spencer makes an excellent foil to David. Not as aggressive as Max or as dour as Gwen, but he brings a very . . . like, straight-man energy to the conversation. Like how a normal person would react to David IRL. I'd enjoy seeing these two interact more.

Spencer: "It's like your overpositivity is wanting me to balance it out with negativity."

David: "You know, I feel like that dynamic's pretty popular with me."

eeeeeeee <3

And the last one that I personally found noteworthy:

David: "One day we'll be able to afford safety equipment. Until then, we'll just have to deal with Quartermaster's Ropes Course. And a lot of pillows."

There's point near the last 20 minutes where either it got kinda boring or I just got too tired to keep track. But if there are any quotes you think I missed, please share them! This was a really lovely bit of content to feed our starving maw, and I appreciate Miles very very very much for taking one for the team.

[justanotherlifeff]

Levi Ackerman × reader

Genre: Angst, Hurt/comfort, Fluff, matured themes, slowburn

Warning: There's mentions and descriptions of underage rape and suicidal themes and self harm.

Your POV

The 57th expedition is two days from now and to make things worse, Hanji came over. She declared that as it is our only titan shifter's first expedition, we will be drinking tonight to celebrate. Although her motive was to experiment if Eren can get drunk, heichou strictly denied her requests since Eren is underage. I personally didn't want to drink because those men from when I was 5 were always drunk. "Drunk people are bad and dangerous" was a thought that was stuck into my head. Hence, I was planning to avoid their little party at all costs. It was morning at the moment and we were supposed to have breakfast. I made tea for everyone since I woke up before everyone else. I had already memorised how everyone had their tea, 2 spoons of sugar and milk in Oluo, Gunther and Petra's, 1 spoon sugar without any milk in Eld's, 3 spoons in mine and sugarless for Levi heichou. Eren didn't like tea. I had it all memorised because I tend to wake up before everyone else and thus, I always get the breakfast duty. I made pancakes for everyone and when I was done, I poured my tea in a cup and started reading the book. Every day, Levi would wake up early and sit with his own book and tea too. We would discuss the contents of the books when I go to clean his room. We would also share some of our personal issues to eachother and while I don't know how much it helps him, but it helped me ease up quite a but. Just as I was thinking these, he entered the dining hall as usual and took his cup which I had already filled with tea just the way he liked it. Eventually everyone else came around thus making it impossible to read because of the commotion. Hanji started blabbing about her experiments. Yes, she arrived yesterday and stayed the night in a spare room.

After breakfast, it was time for training. Levi heichou was giving me intensive 3DMG training recently since I already passed his strength trainings. We sparred more later, to test how much I had improved my strength and he won most of them due to his immense stamina which was impossible to match but I gave him a hard time though. In case of 3DMG, he decided that I wasn't making enough use of my agility and that I should be able to match his speed and accuracy. I was still learning his spinning move as I couldn't get a hang of that anyway. Today, we were supposed to have our last practice session as most of us will have hangovers the next day. Not me though. I'll just lock myself in mine and Petra's room. I've noticed by time that Petra tried to impress Levi heichou a lot. It kinda pissed me off because who even looks for emotional attachment when they might die anytime? And it's not like heichou was interested in her anyway. That's another thing I liked about him. He was serious about his career. I had always respected determination and I felt like there couldn't be a better mentor than him. However, something about it was bothering me. Levi heichou was making me feel things that I never felt before. It started with the way he looks during our training sessions, no, all the time honestly. I started having these urges to touch those muscles beneath his shirt, that showed slightly when he was sweaty after training, his clean shaven and extremely smooth looking cheeks and that extremely soft and silky looking hair. God knows how it would feel to run my fingers in there... Yes, that's exactly the problem. I shouldn't be thinking these. Things escalated when he convinced me to stop cutting myself, something even my parents couldn't do. It happened a week back.

One week ago

I was cleaning the floor in Levi's room while he was getting his paperwork done. "So, the protagonist is in a situation where he couldn't blame the antagonist as the antagonist had reasons to justify what they did too. It kinda resembles our world doesn’t it? I mean, titans don't have minds so, they can't really control what they are doing..." I was talking to heichou about the book I recently finished. "Hmm. However, one has to do what one needs right? The protagonist killed the antagonist at the end. It didn't matter if the antagonist had justification for what he did. It depends on who wins at the end. If the antagonist did, then the he would've been portrayed as the protagonist." heichou answered, not looking up from his paperworks. "Yeah. It's the weak who always loses." I muttered. "Not always. One can start off as weak but get stronger. That's what smart people who want to live do." Levi answered to that, before stopping for a moment and asking, "You mentioned that you want to live to make things right didn't you? What is the 'right' for you?". " I don't know, happiness? That's my goal." I answered. "Well, that's what we all want. Anyway, what's your plan to achieve that?" he asked. "I don't know, it started with getting strong enough to take care of myself but I don't really have an aim anymore." I answered, acknowledging it for the first time. "If you want happiness so much, why do you cut yourself? As much as I can recall, you told me, you did that to remind yourself that you're alive. If you don't have a plan, why remain alive at all?" he asked me, looking up from his paper works at me, raising an eyebrow. "Well, that's true... I don't know what I'm doing to be honest... Being alive honestly is pointless." I muttered as an answer. It was the truth. I had no reason to live.

"Oi brat, take my advice on this, you're an extremely skilled soldier. You think I am itching to be alive? I have a goal to be happy too and the fastest way towards it is a bullet in my fucking head. But, there's also another way, that is using my strength to do something for humanity, getting this war over for good and opening up a tea shop. My plan in this case is to stay alive and keep fighting. I suggest you to have the same plan. When this war is over if you are still alive, these people you saved will make a way for you. And trust me, cutting yourself won't help you at all because that only limits your agility as, trust me, I've got into enough fights to know how much every single cut hurts. It may not affect your performance by a lot but a mimimum percentage of performance issues can get you killed in expeditions. So I suggest you to stop with that shit and get your priorities straight." heichou advised me with a straight face. "So, you suggest me to try my best to survive? If I can get through this war, then the people will help me make a way?" I asked before pausing for a moment and stating, "I honestly didn't join the survey corps to make some dead people proud of me. I just wanted to die I guess..."."Well then, you're at an advantage both ways. If you die, you get to your goal. If you live, you get to your goal in long term too." he answered.

"Heichou, why did you join the survey corps?" I asked him out of curiosity. "Well, Erwin blackmailed me into it at the begining but later, I decided that my life was meaningless too and decided to do exactly what I advised you to do." he answered. He was right. If I survive, after the war with titans are over and the survey corps are disbanded, I'm sure they will give us all a way to live. However, will I always be alone? What's the point of living like that? No, wait, Uncle Erwin will be there... He's as good as family, so I'll be fine. Atleast as long as he lives. Maybe I'll even consider marriage... There are so many possibilities... Heichou was right. I had to survive or die in combat. Its good both ways. "(Y/N), if you really want to remember that you're alive at times, instead of cutting yourself, remember your interactions with your comrades. I'm sure you made an impact on a lot of them and you wouldn't be able to do that if you weren't alive." Levi ended his statement with that as I was leaving his room after cleaning. "Yes heichou. Thank you for the advice" I answered before leaving. An affect on my comrades, did he mean the way I intimidated them? But doesn't that mean that I'm an emotionless piece of shit? Or was he talking about my conversations with him? Did... Did I make him feel alive? Because, even if I hated to admit it, he made me feel alive. I felt like I didn’t have to hurt myself anymore.

Present day

Levi heichou beat me this time as well after we sparred for 30 minutes. No one lasts that long against him. During the 3DMG session, everything was going well until suddenly captain Levi attacked me. He came out of nowhere and tried to cut me but I instinctively dodged and tried to escape him. I was shocked as I didn't expect something like that. He was as fast as I am in 3DMG and with his special techniques, he was faster. He slashed his blade against me again and to block it I used my own blade but the blade broke. I was scared that he might kill me and that's when he told me that he was testing how well I'd do in unexpected situations and he definitely wasn't satisfied with my skills.

Levi POV

She was pretty good at running away but she used one blade at the wrong angle when I slashed my blade at her. Ofcourse she didnt learn about what angle to use because Shadis didn't know some of the tricks I learnt underground. However I expected her to use two blades. That's just common sense and the fact that she panicked in a situation like this is unacceptable for someone as skilled as her. She has a lot if potential but stupid decisions like that will get her killed. "Do you have a brain of the size of a pea brat? Anyone with common sense would use two blades. Are you trying to get killed in any unexpected circumstance? " I shouted at her. She kept a straight face but I could see the embarrassment in her eyes. Serves her right. "Sorry heichou. It won't happen again" she said with determination. I'm not usually too hard on her because she doesn't disappoint me often so I let it go. I taught her the angles she should use. It would make her blades last longer. She practiced with complete determination but failed to get the spinning move done. Honestly, no one I trained was able to do that, so, I didn’t judge her. However, she wasn't the one to give up. I respected that about her as a mentor. It was time for lunch and Petra already cooked stew. We had lunch and I saw her head upstairs and come down with her 3DMG and blades. "Oi where are you going?" I asked her. "To practice the blade angle and the movements you taught me. I want to be able to get the spinning move perfected." she answered, saluted and left. I didn't expect her to be able to do it.

I went to my office to complete some paperwork and after about 2 hours, I heard the sound of her falling down with a thump and occasionally, frustrated cursing. I went to the window and saw (Y/N) falling on her face every time she tried but getting up to do the same nonetheless. "Damn, this girl will kill herself at this rate." I thought and felt a bit proud about being her mentor. I looked at her graceful moves through the air, which turned into a complete disaster whenever she tried to use the spinning move on the titan dummy. "There must be some problem with her balancing" I thought. I found her beautiful the day I first saw her. "Just another pretty face that's gonna be titan food" I thought. After she sparred with me and sat on my face, I think I blushed for the first time ever in my entire life. I didn't let anyone see though because it's inappropriate. Now that I see her potential and determination, she seems to be more than just another pretty face. She is what I'd call beautiful. I knew she deserved a normal life and yet she chose this uncertain life where death my come and where its impossible to have a family. She is a very brave person. I know some stuff about her past. How she was rescued from a brothel before being sold off in the underground. How she killed a Garrison member but was let out because she was a minor. I was curious about her given that I was from the underground too. As these thoughts plagued my mind, I suddenly understood exactly what was causing the problems with the balancing.

"Oi brat. Get down here." I called (Y/N) out, who was sitting on a tree, about to do the spinning move again. When she got down, I noticed that she got some minor cuts on her face. Atleast her instincts were good enough to make her use her hands to prevent her face from getting hit. "Yes heichou?" she asked, confused. "I have a fair idea about why you can't get that move done. Your body proportions are what's causing this." I told her with a calm voice even if talking about it made me uncomfortable. "I don't understand..." she muttered, clearly confused. "Your breasts are what's causing the issues. My body structure allows me to distribute all my weight at the correct points but as your body structure is different, the distribution gets disoriented as your breasts are the weights that make you slouch forward easily." I explained as calmly as possible. This was awkward. I saw a blush slowly creep upon (Y/N)'s cheeks as she muttered, "But they aren't too big...". " Well, the simplest errors can make it impossible to master this move. I'm not sure if you can do it but try using bandages to bind you chest and make the surface as flat as possible." I answered with a stoic expression, which was very hard to bring given that I have never talked to cadets about their breasts, and the fact that this particular cadet made me want to rip her clothes off didn't help at all. "Hai!" (Y/N) answered before running off towards the castle.

She actually did it. It didn't take any effort at all. I was right about the problems with body proportions. You came back after a while with an almost flat chest. It didn't look comfortable at all because she looked like someone punched her on the face. I, however, was impressed by her determination. And, the fact that she was able to get the spinning move done at one try. Ofcourse, it wasn't perfect, it had many flaws, but, it was an amazing feat as no one else was able to get this done. However, I knew that this wouldn't work well with her because being uncomfortable on an expedition isn't an option. "Oi, get down" I commaded her as she got down from the tree, pleased with herself. "Yes heichou?" she asked. "You won't be using this move. You're not feeling comfortable in bandages and that's as obvious as it can get. Just make use of the speed training we went through." I advised her. "Yes heichou!" she answered and as she was going off towards the castle, I spoke up, "Oi (Y/N)! You did well.". "Thank you heichou" she answered, giving me a rare smile. She really should smile more often.

Your POV

I came back being pleased with myself after getting a rare compliment from Levi heichou. After some very intense and not to mention, painful training for 2 hours 30 minutes that compliment probably was the best gift anyone could possibly ask for. I went back to Petra and my room to find Petra sleeping. I took a shower and went to take a nap. I was asleep but I was woken by feeling someone drag me out of the bed. I woke up and saw Hanji dragging me out. I tried to get out of her grab but Petra and Eren also held me firmly. I could've gotten away from Hanji easily but I couldn't fight with three people grabbing onto me. They brought me downstairs and Levi heichou was there too with a glass of alcohol in his hand. I was shocked to find him here and looked at Hanji and she explained that she dragged heichou out here so that he won't drink alone in his room, in Hanji's words, like a sad excuse of a human. Apparently he drank alone before expeditions. No matter how hard I tried to avoid drinking, Hanji was relentless. I had to drink a few sips of alcohol. As the alcohol started kicking in, Hanji convinced heichou to have a drinking contest. I had to admit that the alcohol made me feel light headed and more confident. I liked the feeling despite the horrible taste which is why I drank a bit more than I planned to. Then I remembered that my body weight was not enough to take it all but my head started spinning by then and I was slipping on and off my consciousness.

Levi POV

Hanji thought that she would win because she was taller but she didn't know about my high alcohol tolerance. After an entire bottle, Hanji was done. It seemed that she had lower alcohol tolerance than I imagined. I had one more glass and I won naturally. I was pretty drunk and thought it's best to go to bed. Before I got up, (Y/N) puked. Everyone was a bit surprised as they didn't notice her taking on two glasses like an idiot. Since no one was sober enough to get her up to her room, I knew I had to do it "Tch! They had to get wasted now." Eren was already sleeping as he wasn't allowed to drink. "Ofcourse she puked. She didn't come down for dinner" I remembered. "Petra, get Eren to clean this mess up. I'm taking her upstairs and you're coming with me to clean her up" I stated with authority to a tipsy Petra. I took her to the bathroom in their room and made her sit on the floor. She was barely conscious. I waited outside for Petra to be done washing and dressing her so that I can pick her and put her to bed. Petra called me when she was done. I picked (Y/N) up and put her to bed while Petra was washing her clothes.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Your past will be explained now. It includes rape and underage sexual acts and, well, some seriously nasty stuff so don't read if it bothers you. Skip to the next chapter in that case.

"Heichou?" she called out weakly before I left. "What brat?" I asked keeping my usual bored face. "The first day we met, didn't you call me a privileged brat? How does it feel to know that the only thing your prostitute mother told you is that you're born to do exactly what she does? How does it feel when those men do things to your mother and all you can do is sit in the room and read a book to pretend nothing is happening? How does it feel when those drunk men touch you, do things that they did to your mother and hurt you like your body is splitting? How does it feel to know that your mother left you to these people and that you'll never see her again? How does it feel to be hit and cut by these men? How does it feel not being given water unless you drink the semen of those people? How does it feel when you gladly do it because you are so thirsty? You don't know anything about the life I had, heichou. When they told me I'm safe after taking me out of that horrible place, I believed them and I regret it because that man I killed wanted to do the same things I went through in that hell. He told me that I shouldn't mind because he assumed I enjoyed these back then. I enjoyed slitting his throat and gauging his eyes out. You knew nothing heichou " she said, her voice cracking as tears left her eyes. I looked at her, shocked by her sudden confession. I had no idea that she still remembered what I told her that day. I had no idea it hurted her feelings to that extent. Besides, as much as I knew, she never said anything about herself to the court or to anyone. As much as I knew, she didn't talk in her court case about murdering that man. She only did it for self defense. I looked at the weeping girl. She was a brave soldier and seeing her break down like that made me feel things I didn’t quite understand. It made me do something that I never did for anyone before. I sat on the edge of her bed, took her hand and said "Now you know how to fight. No one can hurt you now. You can trust yourself and if you want, you can trust me. I'm sorry about my behaviour that day. I shouldn't have judged you without taking a closer look." She gave me a shocked look after I said that. I gave her a small smile, and left the room. This was the first time I smiled after years.

To be continued

Taglist: @kingtamakimurder, @realityisoftendisapointing

[chatnoirismycinnamonroll]

Hey so I'm somewhat new to the Miraculous Ladybug fandom, and was wondering if you could suggest some good fanfics for me? Also I was wondering, I've seen this character called Felix in some of them and I don't know where he came from?

Oh, welcome to the fandom! There's so many fics I wish I could recommend, but I'm on mobile and have no idea how to link things, I'm sorry.

However, I can lead you to several authors here on Tumblr that you can follow that have created many great stories:

@gale-of-the-nomads : I highly recommend their Soulmate Survey AU, which is mostly pure fluff and focuses on reviving the fandom with their love for Adrienette.

@zoe-oneesama : they have an ongoing comic focused on their AU called the Scarlet Lady AU, which focuses on the idea of Chloe Bourgeois having, somehow, gotten thr Ladybug Miraculous instead of Marinette. This AU is what actually got me into the fandom, and they update mostly Wednesdays and Saturdays. Highly recommend.

@nobodyfamousposts : They have several aus as well, but the one I remember most right now would have to be the Dolls AU, where Marinette somehow has creation magic, and every doll she makes somehow comes to life. These dolls see her as their mother, and they love and protect her, especially her little Chaton. Check it out, it's pure fluff.

@ozmav @maribat-archive : they are creating content for a recent AU in which, due to a certain episode in canon that almost everybody in the fandom hates called Chameleon, Marinette is shipped with Damian Wayne after she and her class go on a field trip to Gotham to visit Wayne Enterprises. It is not Adrien, Lila, or the class friendly, but it does explore a sweet dynamic between Marinette and DCs Damian Wayne, or Robin.

@miraculously-quality-content : check out their OctoDad AU, which consists of Original Characters that explore the idea of the heroes having an actual guide in both their civilian and hero lives. With the Octopus Miraculous, the adult hero Mollusk helps the heroes battle both Hawkmoth and the challenges of life. Basically: Mollusk is a cinnamon roll that can kill you if you hurt his kids.

Here are some others that have some great AUs or just some little ficlets that are very entertaining: @lunian @ladybub @mari-cheres @miraculouscontent @miraculous-of-salt

Now, for Felix. I dont really know much either, but I do know some things, not sure if they're right tho: Felix was a character created by Thomas Astruc in the early stages of Miraculous Ladybug, which we call the PV version. It was designed as an Anime, but they later changed the company to ZAG, which designed it as we know it now.

Felix was cold, distant, and almost emotionless. He didnt want to be Chat Noir, but was cursed with bad luck, and became Chat Noir. The only way to get the curse off was to get a kiss from his partner, Ladybug, who definitely does not want to kiss him. The love square is still in effect, but more snubbing from both sides. Felix doesnt want anything to do with Bridgette, the PV Ladybug, and Ladybug doesnt want anything to do with Chat Noir. But he helps her defend Paris, so she "deals" with him. It was never completed, or even expanded on much, but the fandom really liked Felix, since he wasnt "perfect" like Adrien is made out to be.

Now, the fandom loves Felix more on the basis of "what could have been", and some fanfiction writers really took the charcater and adapted him into a more likeable character, especially after the episode Chameleon which, if you've watched it, you can find many fics and headcanons that "fix" this episode under the tag #mlsalt.

Felix also made a comeback in the fandom after someone leaked the episode names for Season 3, and we saw an Episode that revolves around Felix. The reason why is because Astruc himself had said that Felix was never going to show up in Miraculous ever again, as Astruc absolutely hated his character, but seeing an episode revolving around Felix coming up made the fandom question why? Why did Astruc lie? What is he going to do with Felix? Is he going to make Felix look worse? The fandom isnt having it so far, and had started to create content revolving around Felix and his involvement in the class, and his relationship with Marinette.

@miraculous-of-salt really made me like Felix as a love interest to Marinette in her God AU, in which Marinette is Persephone, the Goddess of Life, and Felix is Hades, the God of the Underworld, or Death.

There are so many fanfics and headcanons and ideas, that I really cant tell you how many I have seen. I've literally only been here 1 year, and I've already seen so much. Each episode that comes out helps us to create more content for our fanfictions, and with Lila Rossi reentering the picture this season, most fanfictions have her as the main antagonist, apart from Hawkmoth, as she is now seen as a greater evil.

You can also check out @ao3feed-ladynoir for more ML fanfiction. They almost regularly post new Fanfiction links to AO3, and they cover almost everything.

I hope this helps you in getting into the fandom further, and if anyone else wants to add more writers or fanfictions to check out, please be my guest and reblog with your info. Let's help someone out, shall we?

Oh, also @buggachat Cant believe I almost forget them.

[spicycreativity]

Soft-Shoe Shuffle - Ch 2

Chapter: 2/12 Additional Notes: See Ch 1 for more information. Read on AO3 under "WizardGlick." Any formatting/italics errors are holdovers from AO3 that I was too lazy to fix. Chapter Content Warnings: Forgetting to eat, fainting Excerpt: "You can’t stand seeing Hot Daddicus Finch sad. You want to fix it for him. It’s funny, actually.” To illustrate his point, Remus gave a shrill, hyena cackle. "After all those nights complaining about his, what did you call it, 'saccharine simpering,' it turns out you --" he poked Janus in the chest-- "have a sweet tooth." “I--” All of Janus' instincts were screaming at him: deny, deny, deny! But shock stilled his tongue and left him staring at Remus as a horrifying realization dawned on him. Remus seemed to reach the same conclusion at the same time. "Holy shit, was I right? I was just teasing!"

Speak easy on the grapevine Keep shufflin' in a shoe shine Old tin lizzy, do it 'til you're dizzy Give it all you got until you're put out of your misery

A gentle tapping on his door interrupted Janus' fitful attempt at sleep. It couldn't be morning already, could it?

He chalked it up to sleep deprivation when the sight of Patton's face in the doorway actually made him smile. After all, irritation flooded in soon after. Janus had been trying (and failing) to sleep .

"'Morning!" Patton said, his own smile a touch strained.

Janus hid a yawn behind his hand and blinked slowly at Patton until his higher reasoning kicked in. "Good morning, Patton. I assume you need something from me? Or have you developed a magnetic attraction to my door?"

"What?" Patton stopped leaning on the doorframe and stood up straight. "No, I-- I was just about to make breakfast and I thought I'd come see if you wanted to join me."

Janus could practically feel the steam coming out of ears as he tried to come up with a way to decline that wouldn't hurt Patton's feelings. "I don't usually eat first thing in the morning," he said, only just managing not to stammer.

"Coffee, then? Black coffee."

"Like my soul," Janus said automatically.

Unfortunately, Patton seemed to take this as an agreement to join him. "Great!"

His smile wavered a little and his eyes kept flickering to the top of Janus' head-- "Just a moment." Janus ducked back into his room, put his hat back on, and followed Patton down the hall, surveying himself with distaste. His outfit was wrinkled after a night of tossing and turning, and that simply wouldn't do. Janus focused and watched in satisfaction as the creases receded from his clothing.

Then he did some mental math.

Even now, there was no chance that Janus was Patton's first choice of companion, and Patton would have at least had the good sense to warn him if any hostile parties awaited them in the kitchen. At the moment, Logan, Virgil, and Roman all counted as 'hostile parties.' This being the “light” side, Remus didn’t factor in. Ergo, Janus and Patton must have been the only ones awake or willing to come out.

The eerie silence lent credence to that conclusion. The Light side was usually full of such spirited bickering that Janus and Remus could hear it on the other side of the curtain if they listened.

It was a bit odd that Virgil and Logan weren't showing their faces. Virgil in particular couldn't have known Janus was there unless Patton had told him, but Patton had given no indication last night that he was planning on speaking to anyone.

It was quite the mystery, and Janus was more than happy to let it lie until he was better-rested. Last night's headache had returned with a vengeance and exhaustion clawed at the corners of his mind. His capelet may as well have been wet denim, the way it weighed down his shoulders.

"Black coffee," Patton handed Janus last night's ouroboros mug, "espresso-ly for you!"

Janus shook himself. He hadn't even realized they'd arrived in the kitchen. "Thank you," he said, for once at a loss for something sarcastic to say. He thought about much smoother his day would go if he didn't have this budding migraine to contend with and quickly swallowed down the aspirin that appeared in his palm.

"You're sure you don't want breakfast?" Patton asked. "I could make something light. After all, you should know better than anyone not to skip breakfast, Professor Self Care."

"I'm not skipping anything," Janus said, trying to keep a lid on his irritation. He leaned back against the counter and forced himself to take another long swallow of bitter black coffee. "Just delaying it."

"Okaaay," Patton said, sing-song, "but you're gonna feel icky later."

Janus almost responded that he felt pretty 'icky’ now and the nagging wasn't helping, but managed to keep his mouth shut. It didn't help that Patton was technically correct.

Now there was an uncomfortable thought.

Janus leaned against the counter and let his mind wander, idly watching Patton crack eggs into a skillet.

Janus had work to do. Now that Thomas was prepared to listen, Janus' subtler methods of suggestion would serve him no longer. He had thought patterns to dismantle and others to build, not to mention that he wanted to see Remus and find some time to take a nap if possible. And of course, he would have to find time to eat breakfast. Just not now. Not with Patton.

However… Patton's aversion to being alone meant that Janus would have to wait until another side emerged so he could pass off the baton.

Speaking of…

"Patton?"

"Yeah?"

"I understand Roman's hesitancy to show his face--"

"Hey."

"--but surely Virgil or Logan aren't scared of me. I'm a bit surprised Virgil hasn't shown up to try to run me off."

Patton bit his lip, his brow creasing. Janus hadn't been trying to upset him, but Patton looked like he'd just been forced to give his favorite puppy up for adoption. "Probably not." A beat. "Every time I try to talk to Virgil, he just says he's 'going through it' and won't open the door."

Janus hurriedly raised his mug to his lips so Patton wouldn't see his smile. That certainly sounded like Virgil. "Surely Logan has been more forthcoming."

"I knocked on his door a few times, too, but he won't answer at all. I think he's upset with me."

Now that was an interesting development. And problematic, because that meant Janus was going to have to babysit Patton until something gave. "I thought Logan didn't get upset."

"You heard him yesterday. He said we didn't care about him!"

Janus studied the seams of his gloves, feigning disinterest. "Yes, I did think he was being a little melodramatic. Of course I didn't hurt him."

"He wasn't being dramatic!" Patton insisted. "If Logan feels like we don't care about him… It must have been going on for a while, and none of us noticed. We're supposed to be his friends!"

"I'm sure he'll get over it soon," Janus goaded.

"I don't know, Janus." Patton fixed him with a sorrowful look before turning back to the stove. "I've never known him to get this upset about anything. It feels like everything got really bad all at once and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what to do."

Janus downed the rest of his coffee and immediately went for a refill. Of course Patton couldn't fix it; the Lights needed more than nagging and platitudes, more than just the Band-Aid solution of superficial apologies with no changed behavior. No, they needed someone to help them introspect, someone smart enough to see through their self-absorbed nonsense.

"Penny for your thoughts," Patton said.

Janus didn't jump like he'd been electrocuted. "My thoughts are worth far more than that," he said, recovering smoothly.

"Can I get a friends and family discount?" Patton asked. He switched off the stove and carefully levered the eggs he'd fried onto a bagel.

"I was thinking about all the work I have to do today," Janus said. It was never too early to start dropping hints.

"Don't forget about breakfast,” Patton said. Nagged. “I could bring you something later, if you want."

Something in Janus' head clicked. Roman and Logan both seemed like the type to get caught up in their work and forget to eat. Patton had probably grown used to babying them. "Don't worry, Patton. Unlike certain other Sides I can actually take care of myself."

"Oh?"

"Yes, it would make perfect sense for the embodiment of self-care to forget something as basic as eating ."

Patton circled around the counter and hopped onto one of the barstools. "Sorry, I wasn't trying to be pushy."

He looked at Janus with an expression of earnest regret, his eyes sparkling in the overhead lights. Somewhere deep inside him, Janus' heart pounded. He set his coffee mug aside. Patton must have brewed it strong; it usually took at least three cups to get his heart racing like this and he hadn't even finished his second yet.

"Janus?" Patton looked at him over the tops of his glasses.

"Hm?"

"Did you hear me?"

"...Yes."

Patton smiled. "I asked if you wanted to work in the living room. You know, since, um. It's just gonna be the two of us."

"No," said Janus automatically.

"No?"

"Yes."

"Now I'm confused."

So am I, Janus nearly said. He schooled his expression behind the distraction of another sip of coffee. "I have business with Remus I need to attend to." Why was Patton's bereft expression so unbearably painful? "Maybe later we could," don't, "play cards again."

Patton's sun-bright smile was so dazzling that Janus nearly had to look away. "I'd love that!"

Janus tipped his hat and sank out before he could sign himself up for any more bonding activities.

--

The Dark Side was pitch black. Janus stood very, very still. "Remus?" he called tentatively, not wanting to interrupt if Remus was focused on a project.

A spotlight clicked on, illuminating Remus standing in the center of a stage. "Oh!" he said, glancing in Janus' general direction. "Hi!"

Janus looked down with annoyance to find that his sensible black oxfords had been replaced with pointe shoes. He changed them back with a concentrated effort. "What's this?"

"I was working on a nightmare for Thomas." In a blink, Remus restored the living room. He flopped down on the couch and kicked his feet up on the coffee table, revealing blood stains on the tips of his own pointe shoes. “Little early for day drinking, don’t you think?”

Janus realized he was still holding the coffee mug Patton had given him. He switched the contents out with water and took a long drink. The aspirin had barely touched his headache and the nagging, low-level pain invited in nausea and lightheadedness. Better to take care of that before it escalated into something worse.

He sat beside Remus on the couch and ran a hand through his hair, knocking his hat askew in the process. “You have no idea what it’s like over there.” He straightened his hat and squinted at Remus' shoes. “Wait. A nightmare about ballet?”

“You remember Black Swan?”

“Oh. Well. As much as I’d love to waste your time when you clearly have something better to do, I can always come back later.”

“No, no.” Remus changed his pointe shoes back into boots. “You look like shit. What did they do to you?”

“I do not!” Janus set his water down and summoned a hand mirror. He did look, perhaps, a little tired, but that was easily fixed with a small illusion. He sent the hand mirror back to his room and didn’t glare at Remus. “I do not.”

Remus’ smile shattered into a laugh. “Go on, what did they do to you? Wrap you up in a blanket and make you cookies? Wash your feet with scented oils?”

“Yes, right after the parade they held in my honor.”

"And then they all took turns sucking your--"

"Please put that image in my head."

Remus just gave an apologetic shrug and settled back into the couch cushions. "So what's really going on, hm? It hasn't even been a day and you're already running back to me to bitch about it. They’re not still fighting, are they?”

“Ugh, Remus.” Janus tilted his head back, pressing the back of his hand to his brow in an exaggerated swoon. Still, he was careful to keep his voice low in case anyone was listening. “They're all locked in their rooms pouting. Except for Patton, who keeps following me around like a lost little puppy. "It’s so…" A litany of words sprang to Janus' mind; to his horror 'endearing' was among them. "Ugh," he said, waving a hand vaguely.

“You like it.” Remus’ grin was positively demonic.

“Oh, yes, I do so enjoy having a nagging little tagalong,” Janus said, but it was too late. Remus had latched onto the idea like barnacles to a boat's hull.

"You like him !"

"Oh, yes, Remus, I've been planning out our wedding all day. I just love the sad little puppy dog look he gives me whenever I try to leave the room. It was love at first self-righteous lecture."

Remus' grin widened until it threatened to split his face (a very real possibility when he was involved). "The snakey doth protest too much, methinks."

" No, I--"

“What’s your plan?" Remus interrupted. "Going to seduce him? You going to write a love poem ?”

“Oh, definitely ," Janus sneered. "What rhymes with ‘exasperating’?”

“Masturbating? Kind of a slant rhyme, but I think you could sell it.”

“Charming.”

“Hey.” Remus shrugged. “You came to me for romantic advice.”

“Yes, that was why I came to see you. Not to complain about how The Great American Nag won’t stop following me around and sighing wistfully about how his friends are sad, boohoo.”

Remus’ eyes sparkled. “You do have a plan to deal with him.”

“One that doesn’t involve seduction via dirty love poetry, I’m afraid," Janus said, making an exaggerated pouty face with accompanying hand gestures.

“Boring," Remus replied.

“But you��ll listen anyway because you love me ever so?”

“Like flies love dookie.”

Janus held up a hand to stop Remus from actually summoning a cloud of flies. “If I can at least get Logan out of his room, then Patton will stop following me around and I can get back to--”

“Lusting over Daddy in the shadows?”

Janus took a long, measured breath. “I’m not lusting--”

“Face it, Snakehole."

"Ew."

"You can’t stand seeing Hot Daddicus Finch sad. You want to fix it for him. It’s funny, actually.” To illustrate his point, Remus gave a shrill, hyena cackle. "After all those nights complaining about his, what did you call it, 'saccharine simpering,' it turns out you --" he poked Janus in the chest-- "have a sweet tooth."

“I--” All of Janus' instincts were screaming at him: deny, deny, deny! But shock stilled his tongue and left him staring at Remus as a horrifying realization dawned on him.

Remus seemed to reach the same conclusion at the same time. "Holy shit, was I right? I was just teasing!"

If Remus were any other side, Janus would have thrown an insult at him and made a tactical retreat. Instead, he stood, fussing with his cape so he wouldn’t have to look Remus in the eye. “I have to go speak with Logan.”

“That means I’m right, right?” Remus cackled again, longer this time. “Careful, Jay, you’re getting predictable.”

“No, this was all according to plan,” Janus said, already walking away. “You’re just a pawn in my vast chess game.”

“I prefer checkers,” Remus called after him. “Good luck! Don't forget to wear a condom!"

--

Janus chose to appear right outside Logan’s door, the better to avoid an accidental run-in with Patton. Despite Remus’ taunting, Janus really didn’t want Patton to know what he was up to, and not because he thought it might hurt Patton's feelings, and certainly not because he feared the effect that Patton’s starry-eyed gratitude might have on him. He just preferred to handle his dealings in the dark, that was all.

Strategy remained something of an afterthought. Remus' teasing had left Janus too flustered to focus, and now he was outside Logan's door.

Well.

First, he had to get in. Then he could draw the details out of Logan and improvise from there.

Janus knocked on the door with the back of his hand. “Logan? It’s Janus. I had a question for you, if you’re not too busy.”

It was gentle flattery, but flattery all the same: Janus humbling himself before Logan’s intellect. It was also an appeal to Logan’s natural curiosity; surely he would want to know what it was Janus needed help with.

Sure enough, Logan opened the door a crack. His eyes were blank behind his glasses, his mouth a straight line. “Did I hear you correctly? You want my help?”

“No.” Janus couldn't help but roll his eyes. “I was hoping to have an intellectual discussion with Roman. Isn’t his door blue?” His head throbbed and he realized with some irritation that he had forgotten to eat something before getting on with his business. Patton had been right after all.

Logan didn’t budge. “What’s your question?”

“Logan, I’m surprised at you. I'd think you would know better than to leave a guest standing in the hall.” “I'm sorry, but I don’t desire company at this time.”

“Well.” Janus straightened up. “Maybe I will ask Roman instead. For all the good it'll do me."

It was an obvious bluff: Janus weighing Logan’s jealousy against his anger.

The scales tipped.

Logan opened the door properly and stepped aside. “Come in.”

Janus fought to keep the smile out of his voice. “Thank you.”

Logan shut the door behind him and crossed to the opposite side of the room. He neither sat nor offered Janus a seat, only stared at him with cold expectation. “Your question, Deceit.”

“Janus.”

“Excuse me?”

“Call me Janus.”

“Very well.” Logan stared him down. “Your question, Janus.”

“What’s that? ” Janus had never been the best at eye contact whereas Logan insisted on it. Janus had flicked his eyes away from Logan’s icy gaze and caught sight of a line of sickly blue bruises on the side of Logan’s neck. An instinctive wave of guilt made his stomach clench.

“They are bruises,” Logan said matter-of-factly, though his facial expression displayed an intense desire to talk about something else. “Bruises form when capillaries, small blood vessels near the skin’s surface, are broken, usually due to an impact with something hard.” He hesitated for a fraction of a second. “Something like a wooden shepherd’s crook, for example.”

Janus chose to avoid meeting Logan’s gaze; his capelet was sliding off his shoulder and he needed to adjust it. “You know as well as I do that injuries only affect us if we believe in them. Or have you forgotten Remus’ little throwing star lobotomy?”

“I’m aware,” Logan said stiffly.

Another dizzying wave of guilt threatened to knock Janus over. He took a half-step backwards to keep his footing. “Look. If it’s any consolation, Logan, I wouldn’t have done that if I had known it was going to hurt you.”

Logan’s face twitched with something that Janus recognized a split second later-- suppressed rage. “Janus,” he said, his voice somehow even. “I do not believe you.”

"Oh, yes," Janus spat, every word laced with venom, "You're right . I love causing unnecessary bodily harm to other Sides, that sounds exactly like me."

Logan gave a slight shake of his head. “You-- all of you --have made it abundantly clear that my presence is neither welcomed nor, in many cases, even tolerated. You would have done whatever it took to get me out of the way so you could pursue your agenda, and the others would likely not have stopped you even if they had known. Or rather, had they tried to stop you, it would have been in the service of doing just that: stopping you, rather than in service of assisting me ." Janus' defensive anger gave way to something very like concern, but Logan was still going: "They have given no indication they care about me; in fact, I believe they have grown to dislike me.” Logan broke off, breathing heavily. He didn’t seem to notice the way his fingers dug into his neck. "So, no, Janus. I do not believe you. Kindly ask your question and leave."

“I…” said Janus, for the sake of not making Logan feel judged while he came up with something of substance to respond. He hadn't been expecting that . “Didn’t Patton come check on you?”

“He left,” Logan said. “I waited, and he left.”

“You wanted him to apologize,” Janus guessed. “You wanted him to notice that he’d hurt you and apologize for it.”

Logan adjusted his tie. “I do not feel, and therefore I do not want.”

Janus didn’t even have to respond to that, only raise his eyebrows and look at the bruises that marred Logan’s skin (the bruises he had left).

“Janus, I do not understand what you stand to gain from this conversation,” Logan said. “I don't believe you would have come here just to watch me embarrass myself. Did you have a question, or was there something else you wanted from me?"

Janus ignored the question. He had just landed on his strategy. “Would you like to learn something, Logan?”

“Always.”

“Even though you might not like it?” “It is irrational to dislike knowledge.”

“So it doesn’t bother you that 85 is divisible by 17?”

For a moment, Logan looked like he might argue. Then he sighed, and might even have smiled a bit. “Go on.”

"You," Janus pointed at him, "have been derelict in your duty." He waited for Logan to look suitably offended before he continued, "Not as Logic, but as a friend."

Logan frowned, not offended, but puzzled. "I have?"

Janus thought it might be a bit too much to change Logan's room into a stage, but it was alright; he didn't need the physical change to feel the spotlight on him, to see Logan sitting, rapt, in the audience. “If you haven’t told the others how you feel, you have no right to expect them to just know . Patton and Roman especially have a difficult time intuiting how others are feeling unless you spoon-feed it to them. You cannot lock yourself away and expect them to come crawling on their knees, begging for your forgiveness. You need to communicate. You need to tell them how you feel .”

“How,” Logan said drily, “does one ‘spoon-feed’ emotions?”

“Please keep trying to deflect; you're so good at it."

“But you’re saying that I should explain to the others that my f…”

“ Go on.”

“Feelings are hurt.” Logan winced.

“Growth is often uncomfortable,” Janus said, adding a silent ‘ not that I would know’ for his own benefit.

“And you’re sure they’ll listen?” Logan, for the first time since Janus had known him, looked unsure. He adjusted his tie, which was already immaculate, and stared at Janus.

“One can only hope, since they claim to be your friends," Janus said to reassure him. "And you know, use ‘“I” statements’ instead of ‘“you” statements,’ you remember elementary school.”

A pause.

“Janus? Please elaborate on one thing for me."

"Yes?"

"Why are you helping me? Last time we were in proximity, you gave no indication whatsoever that you cared for me or my 'feelings,' nor for anyone else's. What changed?"

"It's complicated," Janus said, trying to evade the question.

"It's my job to handle 'complicated.' So tell me: Why are you helping me?"

Oh, Janus just loved feeling cornered. His eyes kept finding their way to the bruises on Logan's neck, tangible proof of all the pain Janus had caused. "Quid pro quo," he lied. "Patton misses you and I owe him a debt." His head swam and he forced himself to stand perfectly still to try to keep his balance. Blue bruises dominated his vision.

"Falsehood."

"Fine." Janus curled his lip. "Because I felt sorry for you--"

"Janus," Logan said in a tone of patient annoyance, like an irritated schoolteacher, "please."

Janus took a breath and tried to swallow down the sick guilt clawing at his chest. He wished Logan would have offered him a chair. Now was probably a bad time to ask. “It's because I’m sorry . I--” The room tilted sideways and he staggered in a bid to keep his balance, as there was nothing to steady himself against. “I’m sorry I did that.” He gestured at Logan's neck, fighting for breath. Every word seemed to require twice as much oxygen as usual. “It was wrong of me to silence you. And…” Deep breath. “Even though I thought it wouldn’t affect you--” Telling the truth didn’t usually hurt like this; he felt a little like he was going to be sick. What was going on? “It did, and I'm sorry."

[moodforanime]

Lately, I've been thinking how awesome it would be, if SOMEONE were to write a little story about 104 (including past!Eren), Levi squad & the veterans meeting future!Eren (up to 121). I mean, can you imagine how all these people would react, when they meet future!Eren... Like, they know that Eren from season 1&2 and suddenly they get to meet such a different version of him. And how would past!Eren himself react, when he finds out how much he's changed. Would you consider writing it?

A/N: Hi! Thank you for your patience with this. I really like this idea, and I had quite some fun writing it, although hit by a few minor writer blocks here and there. Anyhow, here we are! I hope you enjoy this.

Warnings: None

Word count: 1.4K

______________________________________________________________

The enemies were on the other side of the sea, he knew that for sure. And it was his responsibility to destroy them all. Just like he said about Titans only a few years ago, it was a greater enemy’s turn to suffer. One by one. It was them who caused his people only so much suffering for the past few centuries. They were probably the greatest enemy of humanity, and they deserve the punishment they deserved. For ruining not only God knows how many people’s innocent life, but enslaving people just like them to a seemingly endless, killing nightmare for the sake of experiments and a so called justice the unknowing living could do nothing but  just try to survive and blame God for.

Eren didn’t understand. Nobody did. It’s what government and people with power do, they said. They take, take and take without stop, addicted to this taste of ruthless, growing power everyone feared to challenge. If nobody would stop them, how is humanity supposed to ever reach justice? The question bugged Eren for more than he would ever like to admit. 

'Eren.' A familiar female voice said, trying to catch the 16 year old boy's attention. 'Eren.'

'Hm?' Eren hummed with a raise from his head, snapping out from his thought process. 'Sorry, Mikasa. What is it?'

Mikasa sighed, before sitting down next to the boy, leaning her back on the wall that kept them shadow. Nowadays, a person could go outside the walls without being at risk.  After finding out the truth behind the demons called Titans, they managed to raise humanity’s chance to live. Well, their humanity. Not the ones’ on the other side of the sea. Most Titans were gone, leaving very few to wander freely outside the walls, none larger than ten meters. Yet, something was off.

‘You haven’t really been yourself lately,’ Mikasa said, looking over the seemingly endless meadow before them.

‘What do you mean?’

‘You zone out more often than usual, you’re tired, and you’re talking nonsense when not paying attention sometimes.’

Eren pursed his lips, thinkingly. ‘Maybe I’m just tired from training with my Titan form. That must be it.’

‘Eren, you’ve been training before. You were never in a state as bad as this.’

‘So what do you suggest?’ Eren snapped, with light snort. ‘A break? You know I can’t have one.’

‘Eren.’

‘Seriously Mikasa, you always act so protective of me-’

‘Eren, listen-’

‘No, you listen, Mikasa, you always act like you’re my mother or older sister, but-’

‘Eren.’ Mikasa said slowly, shooting a threatening look. For one thing, Eren knew the girl for long enough to know how dangerous her threats could be. ‘Look.’

Eren followed slowly the invisible line to where Mikasa pointed to, only to find a group of people on horses. They weren’t too far away- only a few hundred meters away from them. It took him a second to realise that he needed to squint- they weren’t just some horse riders. They were Survey Corps.

‘What’s wrong with them? Look, Captain Levi’s there-’

Eren choked on his own words. As he talked, one of the riders turned a bit around, allowing his face to be seen. A roughly 15 year old Eren stood there, anxiety making itself present with each movement and word.

‘Mikasa.’ Eren said, quietly.

‘I know.'

Silence fell, as the two watched the small group. They didn't seem to make any sudden movements. In fact, they didn't seem like they noticed them. Or any difference, in fact.

Before he could do anything, one of the Corps accompanying Levi's Team, Hange, seemed to notice them. Locking her eyes on them, she said something to her group, turning their attention to the other Mikasa and Eren.

'But I'm right here…' the younger Eren whispered.

'Stay back.' Levi commanded, coldly. 'Both you and Mikasa. Don't make any funny move. The rest of you, come with me.’

A number of obedient hn’s were heard from the group as they followed their commander. Seeing them approaching, the present Eren couldn’t help but feel tense. What was the meaning of all this? 

‘Hello.’ Eren said quietly, as the group reached them.

Mikasa looked at the boy and it was enough for her to hear the boy’s toning in his greeting to realise his feeling at the moment- he was not only tense and shocked, but scaredly confused. She wished she could find a way to comfort him, but she was in no better state. The only difference between them on that matter was, however, that Eren had a mass of emotions he never learned to suppress.

‘Skipping formalities,’ Levi said as he got off his horse, ‘I’d like to know how you did it.’

‘Did- I.. I don’t… I didn’t do anything.’ Eren stuttered.

Levi exchanged looks with Hange.

‘Then why are two of you? This isn’t normal.’

‘I know, but-’

‘Hold on.’ Hange said, coming closer to the boy. ‘Eren, what year is this?’

Eren gulped. ‘Year 851.’

‘Then I think we have something clear.’ Hange said. ‘There was some sort of time alternation that caused us to appear a year in the future.’

‘But… how?’ Someone in the group asked. ‘We don’t have any technology so advanced to let us do such things!’

‘Um, I have a theory.’ A quiet voice said, from Levi’s team.

Turning around, Levi noticed how one of the freshly absolved training corps fidgeted quietly, something clearly on his mind. ‘What is it, Armin?'

'Um. We don't know much about them, but maybe it was some sort of Abnormal that accidentally interfered with the normal chronology of time, and we got caught in whatever disturbance the Abnormal made.

'It is an option,' Levi nodded, 'but unlikely. We never came across such Titans. Did we, Hange-san?'

'No,' Hange shook her head, 'but that doesn't mean we have to scrap the idea. It's a quite good theory. Hey look, that's me on the wall.'

Everyone looked up to see, indeed another Hange, talking to someone.

'I wonder what I'm like a year from what I know myself, but I have a bigger curiosity.' Hange said, turning her attention to Eren. 'How did you improve?' 

'Um- I, well, I can control my Titan powers better.' 

'But still as impertinent, I see.' Levi commented.

Eren bit his lip, stopping himself from snapping back at the man. 'I also found out that I have the power to control Titans.'

'You what?' Hange demanded, curiosity filling her as she jumped off her horse. 'Tell me more.'

He did. Eren explained as best as he could what his abilities were, and the group was fascinated, not to start with Hange. Absorbing every word, Hange listened to the boy's rambling, not caring how she couldn't understand some stuff.

'Don't you know what this means?' Hange squealed excitedly, grabbing Eren's hands. She laughed. 'This is amazing! This means… this means… this means we can get rid of Titans once and for all!'

Eren looked at Mikasa, hesitantly. Technically, Hange wasn't wrong. But the people from the other side of the sea made the Titans. All of them. Who knew how many more they could make. At a closer analysis, the enemy had the right hand. Yet, his heart wouldn’t let him inform the young woman about the detail.

‘Hopefully, yes.’ He said, eventually.

Hearing his words, joy overflowed on the group. There were cheers and gladful statements of how it was at last time, cheers that preached Eren and thanked God for him. All good until an odd feeling fell upon the group.

‘Hm? I can’t feel my legs.’ Hange mumbled. Looking down, she had to cover her mouth in shock. ‘Better question, where are my legs?’

Looking down, everyone noticed how pieces from their and their horses limbs disappear slowly in thin air.

‘I think we’re returning back to our time.’ Someone said.

‘Probably.’ Levi sighed. ‘Hopefully. Wouldn’t want to get stuck with a one year gap and a doppelganger.’

Within a few minutes, as the group disappeared, a thick fog surrounded them. When it finally cleared, Titans were surrounding the area, and there were no visible copies of them.

‘So we’re back, huh?’ Hange asked, quietly.

‘Yes.’ Levi answered, quietly.

‘Commander Levi!’ A familiar voice called out urgently, behind them. ‘What happened?

Levi sighed. He didn’t have the energy for this. ‘Armin, please explain to them the incident. If you would be kind, everyone, I’d like us all to forget that this happened. No mention to anyone. It would be better.

‘Yes, commander.’ Various voices within the group obeyed.

Requests: Open.

More info about what requests I take and don’t take

[generousbouquetchopshop-us-blog]

The only thing that we know for certain in life is that all of you reading this right now and myself will DIE. (NOT tonight - I just mean at some point in our lives - this is NOT a terrorist attack - believe me, I do NOT have malicious or evil intentions - well in my opinion at least, but sometimes our perception of ourselves differs to how others perceive us - but does that really matter? All I care about is what I think about myself) Wait, Hang On I Lied. There's one more certainty in life. That you and I are human beings. (Well, I do hope so. After all, I only know who I am. And only you know who you are) Yes I tried my best to think of an engaging first liner to grab your attention. (And if you're still reading this now - it must have worked!) I was just worried with all the 'clutter' and 'competition' out there that you could potentially miss this. And yes that's also why I have the photo of a cute baby. And also because we were all once babies at some point in our lives (well unless you came out another way which is not a certain opening in a female body) And before you amazing security officers out there, Who work super hard to protect your citizens, Even on the weekend (which is meant for rest with family) (and shout out to everyone in Australia who still worked today on Mother's Day -your sacrifice of your treasured time which could have been spent with your Mother (the technical economic term is opportunity cost - in case you were wondering - yes I know you all are secretly nerds) Will never be forgotten) Ok so back to you security officers Think of shutting this down, I assure you that this is NOT a security threat. It is NOT an act of cyber terrorism. 'So what is it then?' - you find yourself thinking (Yes I am a mind reader) Today marks a turning point in the course of mankind. Today marks a day that hope is restored in the world. What you are seeing today will be written in history books for future generations to come. We will make it in a Guinness World Record Book for 1. The most number of people clicking going on a facebook event 2. The most number of people posting on a facebook event page 3. The most number of people sharing the same message across social media I know what you're thinking. Well this girl sounds 'ambitious' Which were common responses I got Well yes, This is 'ambitious' I think so too But 'ambitious' and 'reality' are NOT mutually exclusive (is this the right term? I always struggled with probability in maths) But it's going to happen - keep reading on if you would like to see how history is going to be made :) (But technically, history is being 'made' every single day by each and every one of us just be being alive - even going to the toilet and eliminating waste is technically 'making' history) Every single person in the world will eventually receive my message. (And news outlets out there! Please choose a decent photo of me [ie. not one where my armpit hair is showing] Actually, I don't mind if you can find a photo of me with armpit hair. (Yes - that's a challenge!) (We all have hair - I don't see what's the big deal) (Why would you want to see a photo of me with armpit hair when you can just strip yourself down [yes I put this in just for you - you know who you are xD] and just lift up your arm and VOILA!!! Hair before your very eyes!!!!! ) (I'm actually super hairy In my opinion For a girl) Also, I'm going to keep on ranting about this (again, PMS is a real thing for the female population - have sympathy for us fellas!) Another thing I do not understand is why we must wear clothes And in some places in the world, Such as Australia, We can actually get charged with a criminal offence (and maybe be put in gaol) For stripping down in certain public places (with some exceptions such as nude beaches which are mainly filled with elderly people right now - I reckon we can diversify that a little) And showing our 'private parts' (but are our 'private parts' really even that 'private' after all if we all have them? (well I know it differs between females and males)) but yeah - and some of us have unique bodies - either born naturally or through operations - I respect that - it's your life and you choose how you would like to live it - and which gender you would like to live as and which private parts you would like to have) And in some places like Australia, Myth has it that the bigger something (something in a similar shape to a sausage) is The more masculine a male is Well to me, that's absolutely bullshit I don't know how these 'myths' even originated! All sizes are beautiful to me! Ok, so back to me and armpit hair: I filled in one of my friends' survey about hair and shaving yesterday. Why is shaving a thing anyways? We all have hair on our bodies (well some more than others but we all do) Why is it often socially unacceptable for girls have to have cleanly shaven armpits when they wear sleeveless tops or dresses? And why is often socially acceptable for males to not shave?? Now that is gender discrimination to the max! Why is this NOT written in the Discrimination Act in Australia?? (or maybe it is - I have to admit I haven't read it - and I highly doubt that my fellow Australian peers have either - but apologies! If it is in there!) And on that note of Discrimination, It is so real And close It still happens today in the 21st century!!! Right here in Australia This week, I had the privilege of talking to a beautiful Indigenous lady I've always been curious of Indigenous Australian culture (do you know that Indigenous Australian culture is the oldest surviving culture in the entire world???) WOW Because I certainly didn't know this. If Australia was a person And let's just say I was that person for theoretical purposes I would go around showing that off I would tell everyone I would tell the entire world I would be super proud of that I would make sure the entire world knows (but why doesn't the entire world know?- well maybe it's only me who is oblivious and ignorant and unaware - and maybe all of you do know this - please correct me if I'm wrong) Ok, so yeah. This beautiful Indigenous lady (and I do remember your name - I just want to make sure I respect your privacy before I decide to put your name here for the world to see because there's no way that I have been able to contact you) Said her dream was to become a cook (yes you go girl!) And she applied for a cook job recently. She was called in for an interview. But as soon as she showed up, They told her the position had been filled Now if that isn't discrimination to the max, I don't know what you call that I was super angry when I heard this. Now those of you who know me know that I don't normally get angry It takes quite a bit to get Leeann angry (I give off the impression of being a calm, controlled, sweet, pure and innocent girl) If I was present at the time, I would've taken those café owner(s) to court. And sue you for breaching the Discrimination Act Because the legislation is real and it is properly enforced (well I don't work in the legal field so I actually wouldn't know) But nothing in the world (I believe) cannot be resolved with Honest and open Communication. Just by opening our mouths and making some sounds (I think that's what we call a language), Together, we can solve any problem And we must learn to be accountable And take responsibility for our own actions Like a girl (why do we tend to say man? Are we trying to imply that females are less brave than men? My fellow female population Let's band together and prove them wrong -Trust me boys, you never mess with girls, We will make sure You Rue For The Rest Of Your Life Until The Moment You Die :) [just kidding XD- no I'm not kidding here] Yes, we must take responsibility for our own actions like a girl (I remember seeing a campaign trying to challenge gender stereotypes a couple of years back - that was awesome! I forgot what it was called though but I do remember it so it means it was effective) And I will illustrate this with something we all do -fart. Why do we feel the need to suppress our urges to fart? If you stink up a room with your own smelly gas, Then at least do it proudly! Make it as loud as possible! And admit it was you! And apologise maybe! OR, if that's too scary for you, I have another suggestion which has largely been inspired by one of my close mates (who I'm sure would probably appreciate it if I don't name and shame them - your very welcome in advance =D) This is no magic but You simply tell the person you're talking to or the people around you that you need to fart And head outside To do the deed. Then walk back in. And continue with your life. Easy. See, life isn't at all that complicated is it? (I know! I'm a genius!!!) Prior to my launch tonight, I shared my initiative 'Die To Live' with some fellow peers. I had many people who doubted me. But I also had many people who had absolute faith. Now, I don't blame those of you who I spoke to and doubted me. If someone told me that at Sunday 9pm on the 13th of May, 2018, Hope will be restored in the world, That the world will be changed And that it will be a major event in history, I will look at them And think they're nuts! (And no, in case you were wondering, I don't mean the pecan nut, macadamia nut, or peanut) And some of these people also looked like they wanted to lock me up in a mental health hospital. But what does it even mean to be 'mentally ill?' Am I considered 'crazy' just because I have different opinions that nobody else seems to have? Does that make me 'mentally ill?' (Correct me if I'm wrong, but in my humble opinion, that just means I'm a human being) While we're on the topic of 'mental illness,' Check out the School of Life and one of their recent videos Called something along the lines of - why the modern society makes us mentally ill I watched it over breakfast yesterday and could not agree more (i promise that this is not paid advertising/product placement or whatever we choose to call it) Because it's so good that I voluntarily choose to 'advertise' for them The School of Life does not need any paid marketing (yes you girls are awesome!) But at the same time, Yes, I get you. I wouldn't believe it either Until I see it unfold Before my very eyes Myself. But I certainty would not lock someone with different thoughts to mine in a mental health hospital, away from the rest of society. I would simply respect their opinion, try to understand and empathise from their point of view and then move on with my life. And I also had one special 'case.' You know who you are. You're the person I bumped into and didn't think I was 'insane' but instead thought I was plotting to commit suicide at 9pm Sunday May 13th and then upload 13 videos onto Facebook with each video incriminating a different person who lead me to end my life. -Just like the TV series - 13 reasons why Oh you funny!! (but I'm even funnier xD) But you had faith in me and that's all that matters :D Life is NOT a Television series!!! (For those of you who don't know what a TV is - it is essentially a virtual reality -trust me though, it's nothing special - and you're not missing out - because you're living your own reality instead - and I believe that is infinite times cooler than watching someone else's) But what I don't understand is why some of you who doubted me had absolute faith in science. (I'm not throwing shade here [or am I? - well too bad too sad because you'll never know what goes through my mind] but Shout out to that person I had an extremely heated intense friendly 2 hour banter sesh about science and religion a couple of days ago) Those words you used cut me But I forgive you Because I know you didn't mean it Because, in my humble opinion, science is a belief system in itself based off faith. For example, most of us in today's era believe that the Earth is round. And this is 'proven' to us through science. But until I personally travel up into space and view the Earth from a distance with my own very eyes, I refuse to believe this as an absolute 'truth.' (but even then, I may not even trust my own eyes - they could be lying to me - I could just be hallucinating) We often like to think we are 100% certain of many things in our everyday lives. Perhaps uncertainty makes us feel uneasy. In my opinion, we dislike uncertainty. Which is why we try to structure our lives and lock ourselves in some kind of routine to try and eliminate uncertainty (but this is simply NOT possible in my opinion - the only certainty in life is death - but even that's not even certain) Who said we should eat 3 meals a day - Breakfast Lunch And Dinner (for those of you who don't know what I'm rambling on about - because I'm aware you may or may not have ever eaten a proper meal (yet) - they're just names some of us use to tell ourselves when we should eat) Wouldn't hunger be a better indicator of when to eat instead of locked in time periods? And who said that we should aim for 5 serves of vegetables and 2 serves of fruit per day or something along those lines? (Yes it's a rhetorical question - I know who - 'official' nutritional guidelines or something I think) Because for me, if I know that the only certainty in life is death I would rather eat what I want to eat If I enjoy the taste of it But at the same time, it is all about the 'balance' (as Katherine Du likes to say) (there will be more on food and eating in the second part of my 'story' -I'm not going to tell you all of it now -just to make sure you keep reading heeeheheheee) And who decided that humans should sleep once a day? And it has to be at nighttime? And who came up with the guidelines that children need about 9-10 hours of sleep per night And that adults need about 6-8 hours per night? (Yes I know - it is scientifically 'proven' - but how did you scientists come up with these numbers? In saying this, I have the most utmost respect for you scientists -I'm just curious -it's hard work working in labs -I have some mates studying science/medicine and they tell me about their 4 hour lab sessions When I heard this, I was angry Because That's torture! Abuse of human rights!! Because I get hungry every 2-3 hours!!!) Wouldn't sleepiness and fatigue be more appropriate signals of when to sleep? Mum, I know you will read this. I did tell you that your friend's daughters will probably read my 'story' first Then tell their parents Then they will call you up And tell you to read this. (I wasn't at all wrong about that was I?) I have to main things I would like to say to you mummy: 1. Happy mother's day! 2. I love you Remember two nights ago when I got home and slept at 7pm Without eating dinner? And you were upset the next morning that I didn't eat your food? I apologise again if I hurt you, But I feel like it was not that necessary to 'lash out at me' when I asked (just innocently out of curiosity): Who decided that humans should eat 3 meals a day? OK so back to the science and religion 'friendly banter' I had Once again, the only certainty in life is death. (and I will repeat this numerous times throughout my 'story' just to annoy you - <3 - I challenge you to count how many times I mention that - and maybe there will be a prize for the person who gets the right number or gets closest to the right number! - just like those jelly bean in a jar guessing competitions! - just kidding - I'm not serious on this one - I can't be bothered to count myself - I have bigger fish to fry ;)) People thousands of years back were 100% certain that the Earth was flat. But they were somehow 'proven' to be 'wrong'. Now we (or just me) are 100% certain that the Earth is round. So in my humble opinion, we can only 'disprove' things but never 'prove' things. We merely get less 'wrong' each time round (Manson, 2016) But we are never 100% 'right.' Anything is possible. (Well maybe besides eternal life beyond Earth - but even that is not 100% impossible) So, an anonymous person who wishes not to be named recently brought to my attention how Fast the world is changing around us. For example, Facebook was invented in 2004 - it's only been 14 years - but I seem to hardly remember any parts of my life without Facebook in it) Wikipedia was launched in 2001 (and I didn't get this one from Wikipedia) (I don't know how I wouldn't 'survived' all those assignments without you! Thank you Jimmy Wales and Larry Sanger! And bless all you other inventors out there who invented something useful to humanity! Again, bless you all who believed me without needing to see it happen. You know who you are. I will never forget how you made me feel. There is nothing that fuels the human spirit like faith. (unless it's more alcohol) Complete And Utter Faith. Even my mother who raised me for 19 years and whom I crawled out of her (something - let's just say body) Doubted me. Yet some of you had utter and complete faith in me within minutes of talking to you for the very first time. And I reiterate again (mum, I'm not throwing shade at you here) If I had a daughter and she told me she's on a quest to change the world this Sunday at 9pm on Mother's Day, I (I don't know what I would do but I would probably not believe her) So….back to how Every single person in the world will eventually receive my message. I chose to use the word 'receive' instead of 'read' because I am also aware that language translation will be needed. TIP: Try copy and pasting this into google translate! (man technology does wonders!!!) And also because not all of us are blessed to be taught how to read. As to why I chose to use English, It's because it just happens to be the language I'm most fluent in. And also because, for some reason, English also happens to be the 'universal' language used across the world. I chose to use the word 'receive' instead of 'see' because I am aware that not all of us are blessed with the ability to see. I chose to use the word 'receive' instead of 'listen' because I am aware that not all of us are blessed with the ability to hear. I chose to use the word 'receive' instead of 'smell' because I am aware that not all of us are blessed with the ability to smell. (this doesn't really have anything to do with what I'm saying today because in my humble opinion, I don't think we can smell a story??? - well feel free to prove me wrong - nothing is certain in life besides death. TBH (to be honest), I just wanted repetition for a couple of lines because I learnt in high school English, that it will help deliver my message across) And I also say 'eventually' because not everyone in the world as it currently stands has even seen what 'technology' looks like, let alone have access to social media. That’s why I'm relying on YOU all to translate my message and communicate it to these fellow peers. I'm just one person. And I need your help. I can't do this alone (but I will if I have to -but ideally not!) So you find yourself still thinking…. 'Ok, I still have no idea what this post is about.' (Yes I am actually a mind reader) Apologies! I'm only human and I'm flawed and I do occasionally get just a little side-tracked and distracted. You're life has value. You were born for a reason. And I will prove it to you. (Yes - I remember whispering this in one beautiful human's ear a couple of days ago. This beautiful human was so selfless and looked out for me when I was not in the best state of self (this hero walked into the female toilets since I was chundering and got kicked out of security guards as a result) (this hero was prepared to take me home on a 1.5 bus ride at like 11pm at night towards a direction which was completely opposite to where he/she lived) (and this hero probably got some of my churned up mix of food and alcohol on them too - soz) (and I apologise again for that other beautiful human who I chundered on their hand -soz not soz - HAHAHA -I do mean it when I say that (now you're probably wondering which part I'm referring to [well you'll never know! Heheee - <3] ) And thank you to you too! You know who you are! I love our long-as text message chats! And that card you wrote me for my 18th last year -those words really touched me Even though we meet up like once (ok I may be using hyperbole here - I'll say twice) a year, You mean the world to me To me, friendships and relationships in general are much more than hanging out in real life, To me, friendships and relationships are more about having that emotional/spiritual connection with another human being To me, friendships and relationships are not defined by physical presence (although I do believe hanging out in real life is nice too - but life sometimes takes us in different directions - and that is not always possible) You may love another person dearly, but that doesn't mean you necessarily have to be together with a physical presence. 'True' love, in my opinion, is when you genuinely want the best for the other person And being genuinely happy to see them happy Yes that night at Metro Theatre in the city, I got kicked out by security guards within 30 minutes of going inside for a combined university event. I think (and you never trust a drunk person's memory) I had about 11 shots of straight vodka that night (looking back, that was not the best idea) Those security guards who kicked us out were not the nicest people. I know that Deep Deep Deep Deep Deep Down That you guys are beautiful people - just please bring it to the surface and show it to the world You could've been a lot more nicer. After I got kicked out and as I was walking towards Maccas (yas I love you maccas - happy meals were my childhood - why are soft serves $0.75 now? They used to only be $0.30! Inflation is a real thing! That's why I love economics! - I'm expecting a massive surge in economics students both at high school and university heheehee - economics teachers and lecturers - you are very welcome XD) In my drunken and semi-conscious state, I remember vaguely rambling on saying things like Why are people like this? Why are people so mean? Why is the world like this? And probably also crying my chunder out at the same time I was always that good straight A studious nerdy student who always did my homework on time and listened to the teacher in class. I waited till I was 18 until I had my first legal drink. (well I did occasionally have some sips of wine at home over dinner but nothing substantial until I turned 18 -unlike most Asian dads, My dad encouraged me to drink at home - he was more than happy! - you're cool dad xD - just wanted to let you know that) I was at a university first years camp when I had my first drink. I remember feeling sad because the alcohol was way too diluted -and I was too 'heavy-weight' -and I couldn't physically drink that much fluid to feel drunk because I was too full Looking back, I was probably drunk and was probably on the verge of my limit But I didn't know because I've never felt what it was like to be 'drunk' Then about a month and a half later, I went to one of my mate's surprise 18th I wanted to 'test' my 'limit' I drank as many different types of alcohol I could get my hands on Rum Vodka Soju Gin White wine Red wine Whiskey Tequila You Name It (well probs besides Maotai which is $$$$ - and we were all young dumb and broke uni students - yes Khalid I love you) And you can probably guess How my night turned out My face was in the bathroom sink for about 3 hours (well it felt like 10 minutes to me but I've realised my perception is super distorted while under the influence) Thank you to those who accompanied me for the entirety or a part of those 3 hours - I'm sure it didn't make it onto the best nights of your life list I remember feeling so ashamed after. I could not stop thinking about it for at least 3 weeks. My reputation! Like most people who chunder for the first time, I vowed that It Wouldn't Happen Again. (deep inside I knew it would because I just wasn't happy and I knew I would turn to more alcohol to distract myself from that constant emptiness but I didn't see another alternative back then) But my brother and mates weren't at all that 'wrong' when they said something along the lines of That's what they all say. Within a couple of weeks (or months - if that detail matters), I Unsurprisingly Chundered Again. And then I repeated what I said previously. And I got the same responses as I did before (kind of like déjà vu) And then the cycle kept repeating itself so many times that I lost count of how many times I chundered Because I stopped caring My 'reputation' was damaged beyond repair anyways And I was happy with the new me (the person who started to care less about what others thought of me) I was always that super good girl who was sweet, nice and 'innocent' (whatever that means) But what does it even mean to be 'innocent?' What's the definition? A lot of my friends had often commented that when they first met me I seemed like an innocent girl then they realised they were 'wrong' like super 'wrong' - completely off Does the fact that I love alcohol And the fact that I've chundered more times than I remember And the fact that I like to squeal at high pitches to the point it may cause long term ear damage (apologies to those people who I have damaged your hearing permanently) And the fact that I really enjoy raves And love waking up to hardstyle music every morning And chucking a phat (someone please explain to me why it's spelt with a 'ph' - I tried googling but I never found an answer - I guess you can't find all the answers to life's problems on google) Muzz To start my day Make me any less 'innocent'? OK so back to that night I got kicked out of Metro Theatre. It was that night when I realised you beautiful humans had my back. And I will forever have yours too. You are all beautiful. And I still remember that night like it was tonight. And I will never forget it. It is around 9pm here where I am in Sydney, Australia right now. There are approximately 7.6 billion people in this world (rounded to 1 decimal place and 2 significant figures - or 'sig figs' - I'm not talking about the dried fruit here) (according to the World Population Clock at 12:18pm yesterday - Sydney time) I may just be one girl. But one girl can change the world. If you don't believe me, I will prove it to you. (200% guarantee Just take a screenshot of this message When you visit me in gaol/jail [depending on where you live in the world] Effective for one year within today HAHAHA in case you haven't realised already, I'm only kidding) Why must we rely on legal systems and laws to protect ourselves from lies? Why can't we rely on trust instead? I realise that it's probably impractical to scrap our legal systems together -but I do reckon mixing a bit of 'trust' into the mixture won't hurt And I am aware that I live in a hole (not literally) I have lived in Sydney, Australia for most of my life Which I know is not representative of the entire world. Some of the things I talk about may make absolutely no sense to you. But I only humbly ask that you take a moment to understand what some of your fellow peers on the other side of the globe go through on a daily basis or have experienced Even if it is super foreign to you. (If you check up on the news on a regular basis, This should be no different I guess But probs maybe just a bit more 'spicy' and realistic) I'm sure you would like to same favour (or should I say flavour HAHHAH - gosh I'm so funny!) to be returned to you. Can I count on you guys (and the entire female population - I don't know why it's normal to say 'guys' for both genders) to have a read of what I have to say first And try not to act on any prejudice or judgement Before you decide to shut it down? Yeah, sorry, I got a little side-tracked again So… The only thing that we know for certain in life is that all of you reading this right now and myself will DIE. So what is the point of staying alive now if it's all going to come to an end? Why are we living to die instead of dying to live? All of us have a mother. (assuming you are all humans like me and started with 'something' that happened between a male and female) I love my mum. Without my mum I wouldn't be here tonight. Without my mum I wouldn't have the opportunity to connect with you tonight. Without my mum you wouldn't be reading this tonight. In Sydney, Australia, Today is Mother's Day. And it's no coincidence that I've chosen this day to connect with you. This is because today we show our appreciation for the beautiful and incredible woman who brought us into this world, whether she is here with you or not today. Today, we show our appreciation to the woman who sucked up the discomfort of having a massive bulge sticking out of her belly for 9 months. Today, we show our appreciation to the woman who suffered physical pain and bleed from childbirth. I don't think there can be any other pain greater than the pain of childbirth (well I haven't given birth so I guess I'm not qualified to say so) (Yes the cute baby photo was specifically chosen to capture your attention) Today, we show our appreciation to the woman who blessed us with a life full of opportunity. Mother's Day is today, in Australia. Why are we on social media? And I am no hypocrite here. Why am I myself on social media tonight? Why have we felt the need to create a 'Day' for all our 'Mothers' out there? Is it because, without a 'Mother's Day,' we will forget to love our 'Mothers'? Shouldn't our mothers be appreciated every single day? (Same for all the 'Father's' out there!!! I love you Dad) In the past, all I did for Mother's Day was go to the shops and buy a box of chocolates or some flowers or whatever was on "Mother's Day Sale." But I've realised there are many things that Money Cannot Buy. (feel free to prove me wrong here) There are many things that cannot be Bought And Sold Based on demand and supply on a Market (Yes I love economics!!!) Love. Time. Purpose. Faith. Hope. Life. The List Goes On And On . . . In my humble opinion, I feel like some meaningful celebrations have been overly commercialised in some 'developed' countries. I feel like Christmas Day is more about buying presents and decorating the Christmas tree. I feel like Easter Day is about eating chocolate shaped in an oval egg shape (or bunny or whatever fancy shape chocolate is moulded into to make it more appealing to buy and eat and make it seem different but at the end of the day it's just chocolate - well maybe different in the sense that it has differing percentages of cocoa content - I'm personally a big fan of dark chocolate! - I reckon 70% is just 'perfect' - well just 'right' - because nothing is 'perfect' but also nothing is 'right' - so yeah, I just contradicted what I just said). I feel like ANZAC Day is more about eating ANZAC cookies and buying things with the Australian flag printed on it. And I feel like Chinese New Year is more about receiving free money from relatives (as long as you are unmarried). Now, I'm not suggesting that you should all divorce or remain single for life and go become Chinese. I'm just telling you about my 'blood nationality' and our culture. Also, while we're on the topic of marriage, I am not at all against marriage (I think marriage is wonderful and Western white wedding dresses are super beautiful on brides), in my humble opinion, I don't really understand the point of marriage? To me, Love is about remaining loyal both physically and emotionally to another human of our own choosing (in my opinion, regardless of gender). Personally, I don't see the need to have my 'love' with another human solidified by the legal system under a notion called 'marriage.' I believe if we truly 'love' another person, We should be able to trust them to remain loyal (both emotionally and physically) to us without protection under the legal system And live together happily ever after (Yes I'm a big dreamer and lover of Disney and I believe in happily ever after fairytale endings with my Prince HEEEHEHEE) And, while we're on the topic of Princes and Princesses and fairytale endings, (I know we all love a good romance on such a dark, romantic night here in Australia and most stories told through mediums such as books and movies tend to have at least a touch of love in them And some have a bigger focus than others *Cough* *Cough* Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet) One of my favourite TV shows (back in the day I still used to watch TV) was the Bachelor/Bachelorette <3 But now I prefer to live in my own reality TV show instead of watching another's on an electronic screen To my Prince out there, (yes you know who you are) Who wishes not to be named (and shamed - hahah just kidding - Well, hopefully you don't find what I'm about to say to be too embarrassing) The way I fundamentally feel towards you has not changed one bit And I'm not talking about hate here (jokes! I lied! I actually feel even stronger towards you now <3) And gosh, No other human on Earth has ever made me cry as many times as you have. No one can compete with how many rivers on Earth I've filled with my salty tears. (everyone else reading this, please don't try to break the Guinness World Record here - I reckon I've had my fair share of tears and breakdowns) And I meant it when I said nobody has ever made me feel this way. (or something like I've never felt this way towards somebody - or the other way around - well I guess that's not important) (and well I guess it does make sense that everybody feels differently towards each person because they're different people) -that paragraph was very coherent - I know I've already told you this directly but repetition surely doesn't hurt! Thank you for always considering what is best for me in everything you've done. (Well I hope that's what you've been doing - only you know what's going inside that interesting head of yours) Thank you for teaching me the importance of honest and open communication. I would never forget that night when you asked me out in the most romantic location one could possibly think of. (Solid memz) (And great place IF we have any future anniversaries) Thank you for all the 'fun' experiences we've shared together (Yes you know which one I'm referring to in particular ;)) I hope we have many more nights just like that (well maybe just a bit more) You're a Tim Tam Because You're Simply Irresistible And you know which Guinness World Record of mine (or personal best) I would like to break ;) (please don't go finding another planet to live on to get away from me) And I love how we always go 'hunting' for the same places when we're out and about in public ;))))) I also would like to say that I miss you. A lot. <3 (AWWWWW) And I've been thinking about you A lot. (AWWWW) And Just like how I've previously never envisioned a life without a uni degree till this Monday, I've never been able to envision a life without you in it (and I probably won't be able to - but nothing is certain besides death - so I could be wrong I guess) I was never quite a full believer in soul mates Until I met you There was always a 'mystical' feeling I felt around you. I never understood what it was Until now I thought it was just 'lust' Or you were just secretly a 'fuckboi' (whatever that means) But I realised it was much more than that. OK, that's the last (massive) chunk of cheese I'm feeding you guys (for tonight). And I'm sure the rest of you have eaten enough cheese for the day. And I don't want to make you puke tonight. Because that's not my job -That's the job of your significant other <3 I don't know what you were expecting when I messaged you yesterday asking for your permission to have your first name in my 'story.' Well, since you said no, I assume you probably weren't expecting this. (man I had some great jokes I wanted to crack with your first name - GRRRRR) But again, as I have already told you, In this life, If we would like to have a nice and healthy relationship, We must accept the fact that we have the right to both reject and be rejected by others. And others hurt us but we also hurt others. That's just part of life. So, I respect your decision. I had to get that off my chest. Because now, When I'm on my deathbed, I don't have to be wondering what could've been had I chosen to tell you. Instead, When I'm on my deathbed, I can spend my last hours reflecting on what a wonderful life it's been Surrounded by my family and closest friends. Now, I've done everything I possibly could within my control. Now, it's all on you now. And please respect how it's a private matter between us two from now on. Your own love lives are much more interesting than mine. Trust me. Why would you want to see how someone else's story ends (or starts) when you can be writing your own 'story?' So go out there and tell that person you've been wanting to tell how you feel how you've felt all along! Be a girl! Growing up, it was always drilled into me that guys should be the ones chasing girls and girls should not chase guys. And that girls should play 'hard to get' Wouldn't life be so much simpler if you start feeling like you like someone, To say something along the lines of: "Hey. I like you. Do you feel the same way?" Then it can either only go one or two ways (Well we all hope it goes one particular way) And then you can move on happily with life and find someone else who also feels the same way and live happily ever after (well unless you're super unlucky and get a fence sitter And apologies, if that's the case, I don't have any further advice for you - you're on your own then xD) I used to think that expressing my emotions was a sign of weakness. I was 'wrong' (whatever it means to be 'wrong' or 'right') But I've realised it actually takes a lot of courage. It takes a lot of courage to tell someone that you feel hurt by something they've done. It takes a lot of courage to tell someone that you love them. But, in my opinion, by telling others how we feel, It actually liberates us. It allows us to make amends Instead of letting resentment build And then exploding later Like our own internal Big Bang Because in my Theory (I guess you can call it the Big Bang Theory), believe me, in my experience, I have exploded many times (not literally) By letting my resentment build (under the influence [heavy] of alcohol) If you don't believe me, Believe Bronnie Ware!! For those of you who don't know Bronnie, She worked as a palliative nurse for 8 years looking after people in their final days alive. And she writes in her book "The Top Five Regrets of the Dying," That one of the top 5 regrets she heard from people with limited time on Earth was that they wished they had the courage to express their own emotions. I used to put on a face and act like something that really hurt me didn't affect me at all. I don't understand why I aspired to be a 'psychopath.' Because a key characteristic of a 'psychopath' is that they feel no emotions. Our ability to feel emotions, whether that be: Happiness Disappointment Joy Anger Resentment Love Is what makes us human. Why do we attempt to 'dehumanise' ourselves? So back to marriage…. Again, I am not against marriage. Well, even if I am, why should you care? It's your life and you choose and how you would like to live it. And believe me, in my humble opinion, life is too short for you to spend a couple of minutes writing a nasty comment trying to convince me of the importance of marriage. (Well if you decide to do so, I'm absolutely honoured! because it means I'm super important to you because you care a lot about what I think) But for me personally, I would just like to wear a nice white pretty long wedding dress for fun and take some photos around my closest family and friends Anyways, got a little side tracked again. Back to the topic: I know that many of us struggle or have struggled to find meaning in life. I'm one of them. And I'll be sharing my story with you. I know if I don't wake up tomorrow, I can Rest In Peace. Apologies, if I have generalised or made false assumptions in parts of my 'story' by using words like "We." I know that there is no other certainty besides death. But sometimes, it is 'easier' to do so to illustrate a point I'm trying to make. I hope you understand. If you don't like what I have to say, you can either (Mark Manson): 1. Do nothing OR 2. Do something I value all opinions and perspectives. I only ask that you do so in a courteous and respectful manner. Growing up, my dad was always the logical one and less of a 'dreamer' than I was. I tried having D&M (Deep and Meaningful conversations) with my Dad but they never turned out the way I hoped. 'Dad, what do you think the meaning of life is?' 'There's no meaning. You live. You die. That's it.' Wow! So optimistic Dad!! I love you Dad! Growing up, you also 'tried' (and I use the word 'tried' because you weren't that successful in doing so) to drill into me that it was a waste of time and energy to 'care too much' about the world Because you said there's nothing I can do about it. I just have to accept life the way it is. Well, back to Mark Manson's two options, You can probably guess which path I decided to take (and it wasn't to accept it I Refuse to accept the world as it is) To all my fellow peers out there, If I have offended you, please let me know. I am not perfect. I don't try to be perfect. And I don't need to be perfect. And as much effort as I've put it and how hard I've tried to minimise resentment and offense, (Just like how I'm trying to be at the minimum point on the parabola And at the maximum point on the parabola with my impact) I'm only human. And so are you. And to further illustrate my point that nothing in this world is 'perfect' (apologies if this sounds like an essay), My 'story' is not fully edited. I've ran through it once - made some changes and this is what you're reading now. There are errors. There are bits repeated. There are bits that make no sense whatsoever. This is to further highlight my belief that nothing in the world is 'perfect' (or the real reason could just be that I'm lazy and cbbs editing it) LOL DISCLAIMER: I do not accept any legal responsibility for any tears shed Or any laughs shared Or any puke vomited from cheese overload in the process of reading my 'story.' (Oh and in case you haven't realised already It's also R rated And if you don't know what that means Adults only!! - just kidding, anyone can read my 'story') I reckon that our mental state would be a better measure of our 'real age' Because our age is just a 1, 2 (or 3) (or 4) (or more) digit number which doesn't indicate anything about our 'maturity' level (whatever that means) nor our 'wisdom' (whatever that means) You are reading at your own risk. Remember It's YOUR own life. And YOU choose how to live it. (Please show appreciation for the fact that I've been nice and have made this disclaimer at a font size that you can actually see) [Tip: Get a box of tissues ready (don’t worry if you don’t know what tissues are - they just help absorb our tears) You can live without them! Actually we can live without a lot of things If my house was on fire, i know what i would choose to take - nothing at all - nothing but myself and my family - I slept in a room with nothing [not literally] but a mattress laid on top of the carpet on the floor with a blanket, pillow, oxygen, walls, life and I was clothed too] And in case you were wondering, I didn't choose to do that for fun. My house was under renovations for a couple of weeks (we repainted the entire house and changed the entire carpet) And during those two weeks, I felt like I was 'homeless' I can't imagine what it's like to actually be sleeping out in the open on the streets Or being a refugee I felt like I was being kicked out of my own dwelling and I didn't belong - I felt lost and very uncomfortable OK, so here's my 'story'. https://leeannchn.wixsite.com/dietolive/single-post/2018/05/13/Lets-Not-Live-To-Die-but-Die-To-Live