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ladyeyrewrites · 28 days ago

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Feelings Hurled Like Hand Grenades

Read from Chapter One

Rated M

4893 words

Chapter Seven: Slivers of His Old Selves

Evan paced the length of their hotel room. “What if they don’t like me?” he asked. While he hadn’t gone the “full Mikey” and worn a suit, he was wearing a blue button down and a nice pair of slacks. It was kind of like Evan was trying to emulate Bobby’s dress sense – all inoffensively midwestern – which was endearing.

“They’ll probably like you more than they like me,” said Tommy. He sat on the bed to pull on his shoes. Evan had talked him out of wearing his usually boots in favour of a softer pair of tennis shoes.

“Do I look okay?” Evan asked. “It’s not too casual?” He gave a little spin for Tommy’s appraisal, which was absolutely adorable and made Tommy and to wrap himself around Evan and never let go. Only that would probably lead to activities that were counter to their goal of meeting with Tommy’s brothers on time.

“They’re just a couple of dudes, Evan,” said Tommy, tightening his laces. His sneakers felt strange on his feet, too light and too snug, but he supposed they were better than the dress shoes which he’d negotiated Evan down from packing. “It’s sweet how nervous you are though.”

Evan stopped pacing and looked down at Tommy. “I just don’t want to be the reason this doesn’t work out for you,” he said.

“Pretty sure that would be on my brothers and not on you,” said Tommy. “And just in case you’re having a little spiral in there,” Tommy stood and tapped the centre of Evan’s forehead gently, “I’ll choose you over my brothers any day.”

“But they’re your family,” said Evan, though his eyes were wide with wonder.

Read the rest on Ao3 or below the cut

“So are you,” said Tommy. “You’re the family I chose; they’re just guys I happen to be related to.” He managed to say it flippantly, as though the thought of coming this close to having his brothers in his life only to lose them all over again didn’t keep him up at night, didn’t worm it’s way into his mind when he should have been focusing on work or basketball or fixing up his latest project car or helping Evan with the wedding planning (they’d chosen the card stock for the invitations and were now working on the guestlist which would be limited by how many people could comfortably fit in Bobby and Athena’s back yard).

“I thought you wanted it to work out,” said Evan.

“I do,” said Tommy. He grabbed his wallet and the keys to their rental car off the nightstand. “I really do, and I’m nervous too, but if things do go wrong, I highly doubt it’ll be because of you, Evan. If anything, it’ll probably be my fault.”

“What makes you say that?” Evan asked.

“I left them,” said Tommy. “I promised I’d come back for them, and I didn’t and I’m not proud of that.” He shook his head. “I wouldn’t blame them if they change their minds.” Tommy sighed and allowed himself a moment of vulnerability, something he would never have imagined being able to do a year ago when they’d first gotten together. “Honestly, sometimes I’m not sure I deserve this second chance with them.”

“Tommy.” Evan shook his head and ran a hand down Tommy’s back. “Of course you deserve a second chance.”

“You have to say that, you’re my fiancé,” said Tommy and it still gave him a buzz, saying that word out loud, imagining the promise that it held: two lives entwined eternally. He sighed. “I guess, I’ve just been getting in my head about things.”

“Oh, yeah?” Evan asked, head tilting in that way of his that had captured Tommy’s attention from the start. “Anything in particular?”

“What if Mikey’s ex doesn’t like me?” Tommy asked. He pulled Evan into a hug and settled his chin on Evan’s shoulder.

Evan relaxed against him and chuckled, but not in a way that felt dismissive of Tommy’s concerns. “You worried you might not get uncle privileges?” Evan asked.

“Maybe?” Tommy shrugged. He honestly wasn’t sure why he was so nervous about the idea of not being allowed to meet kids he’d never met and only knew about because Nonna had told him about them during his visits to her over the years. From Nonna he knew that Annie played basketball like him and that Cassie liked to draw. He didn’t know his nieces and yet he loved them because Nonna loved them. “Is it weird that I feel possessive of kids I’ve never even met?” he asked.

Evan shook his head. “No, I get it. I mean it’s not quite the same, but when Chim was driving around the country with Jee trying to find Maddie, it felt like he was driving around with a part of my heart.”

And Evan sounded so earnest that Tommy simply had no choice but to kiss him about it.

Evan spent the drive from their hotel to Mikey’s apartment spouting fun facts about Dr Isabella Vandervall, one of the few Black female doctors practicing in the US in the early twentieth century and an early proponent of birth control. Tommy had no idea why Evan had latched onto her or even how he’d heard about her in the first place, but he enjoyed listening to Evan spout his fun facts and talk about Dr Vandervall’s struggles to find work in an environment increasingly designed to create barriers for women of colour in the medical field. He wondered if Evan had told Hen about her yet or if that’s what Hen had to look forward to at their next shift.

Tommy’s nerves were almost entirely forgotten by the time he pulled up in front of Mikey’s building. “Thanks,” he said, giving Evan a quick kiss before getting out of the car.

“For what?” Evan asked.

“For distracting me,” said Tommy.

Mikey’s place was hardly what Tommy would have expected from someone who worked in the tech industry: bare bones and not in any way reflective of Mikey’s personality. It kind of reminded Tommy of Evan’s place before he’d started decorating it about six months into their relationship and even then it’d taken Evan moving into Tommy’s place before he’d started really defining his taste and they’d figured out how to balance things to make what had once been Tommy’s house their shared home.

“It’s not much, I know,” said Mikey as he welcomed them inside. He’d forgone the suit in favour of a short-sleeved polo and chinos. “I let Maggie keep pretty much everything in the divorce. Felt like the least I could do after everything I put her through. Not that a sofa makes up for everything, but I figure it’s start.”

“Mikey, at some point you’re gonna have to stop beating yourself up about the past,” said Maggie.

The pink hair had been a bit of a shock given how buttoned up Mikey was, but maybe she’d died it post-divorce: new hair for a new start.

“I know,” said Mikey with a sigh. “I’m working on it.”

It broke Tommy’s heart a little to see how much Mikey still loved his ex. Maggie definitely still seemed to care for him as well but whereas Maggie was vibrant and confident in herself, Mikey seemed lost. A feeling Tommy understood all too well, even though he was good at hiding his insecurities behind a confident mask. There was a part of him that was jealous of how open his little brother was able to be about how much of a disaster his personal life was, how he was afraid to show the world his mess. That was probably a healthier way of dealing with things than Tommy’s preferred methods of bravado and defensiveness.

“Hey, uh, my boss has been in recovery for years,” said Evan. “If you want, I can give you his number.”

“Really?” Mikey blinked. “He won’t mind?”

“I don’t think so,” said Evan. “I mean, I can check with him, but he’ll probably say it’s fine.”

“That’s really kind of you, Buck,” said Maggie. Evan had told them to use his nickname, which only served to reinforce to Tommy how lucky he was to have “Evan” privileges.

“Yeah,” said Mikey. “I appreciate it, man.”

“It’s no problem,” said Evan. He then gave Mikey both his own number and Bobby’s and then that somehow evolved into Evan and Maggie sitting on the sofa showing off pictures of the kids in their lives while Mikey and Tommy stood in the kitchen watching them.

Tommy took a sip of his iced tea. “You good?” he asked.

Mikey sighed. “I miss my family, Tommy,” he said. “I miss being at home with them and I hate that I’m the one who broke our family apart. And I’m not just talking about Maggie and the girls.”

Tommy squeezed Mikey’s shoulder. “Our family was broken long before that day at the hospital,” he said. “I’m not sure it was ever not broken.”

“I’m beating myself up again, aren’t I?” said Mikey.

“Happens to the best of us,” said Tommy.

Then the door opened, and Tony let himself into Mikey’s apartment, a teenager – Noah, Tommy assumed – with reddish blond hair skulking in his shadow.

Tony actually smiled at Tommy as they shook hands. “Hey,” he said. “This is our little brother, Noah.” He gestured to the lanky teen who gave Tommy a shy smile and waved.

Tommy smiled back. “Hi,” he said. “Nonna told me a lot about you and your sister. I, uh, wish we could’ve met earlier.” And oh, how he wished he’d been brave enough to come back sooner, but honestly, Tommy still wasn’t sure if he was brave enough to face his father again. And even if he was, what would he do when faced with him? Would he shut down like he had when they’d had that run-in with Gerrard back at the medal ceremony? Would he go straight back to being that angry, wounded kid? Tommy honestly had no idea. “Hey, let me introduce you to my fiancé.” Evan had come over from the couch when Tommy’s brothers arrived and was hovering at Tommy’s elbow. “Evan this is Tony and Noah. Guys, this is Evan.”

“Hey, Evan Buckley, nice to meet you,” Evan shook Tony’s hand. “Most people call me Buck.”

“Nice to meet you, Buck,” said Tony, and Tommy caught his eyes drifting to the tattoos on Evan’s arms. Tommy wondered how Tony saw them, if he was assessing them from an artistic standpoint or a craft standpoint or from some other view entirely.

“Hi, Buck,” said Noah, voice little more than a whisper. And there was something about Noah’s entire demeanour, how hunched in on himself he was, how he let his hair cover half his face like he was accustomed to making himself as small and unobtrusive as possible which told Tommy all he needed to know about how their father’s parenting style had evolved over the decades.

Between Evan and Maggie, the conversation flowed easily, keeping to light topics. Eventually, Evan and Tony broke off from the others and from Evan’s gesturing it seemed like he was asking about Tony’s tattoos. Tommy would’ve been content to watch his brother and fiancé talk, but Maggie joined him in the kitchen while Mikey and Noah sat on the sofa talking. “It was really great to meet you, Tommy,” she said, smiling at him. “We’ll have to schedule time for you to meet the girls.”

“You’re sure?” Tommy asked, surprised not just at the gesture but also at the warm burst of joy that filled him at the thought of meeting his nieces. He wasn’t sure he’d left all that much of an impression on Maggie, but maybe Evan had done enough impressing for the both of them.

Maggie smiled at him. “I can tell that you’re serious about rebuilding this family, Tommy,” she said. “And I think it’d be good for the girls right now, so they can see that just because things are hard right now, it doesn’t mean our family’s broken.” And then she surprised Tommy by pulling him into a hug. “Thank you,” she whispered in his ear.

“For what?” Tommy whispered back.

“I haven’t seen Mikey this happy since the girls were little,” she said. “It means the world to him that you’re back in his life.” She released him, and Tommy thought he saw her wipe away a tear.

“It means the world to me too,” said Tommy. “I’m just glad I’m not too late.”

Maggie smiled at him. “It’s probably not my place to say anything, since we just met, but maybe now is the perfect time for you to have come back.”

Tommy frowned. “How so?”

“I think you’ve probably grown a lot in the last twenty years,” said Maggie. “And I’m guessing that your journey hasn’t been an easy one. Can you honestly say that you would have been in a place to do what you’re doing now fifteen years ago? Ten years ago? Five years ago?”

“Probably not,” said Tommy and he saw her point. Fifteen years ago, he’d been trying his best to fit in at Gerrard’s 118, actively turning himself into a worse person, taking steps towards becoming exactly like his father despite every effort he’d made to get away. Ten years ago, he’d still been in denial about his sexuality, still lying to himself and everyone around him. Five years ago, he’d still been fumbling around, trying to figure out who he was and how to be comfortable with that and he still had days where the past gnawed at him, where slivers of his old selves lodged in his flesh and encapsulated, where he was moody and sarcastic, where he let his fears get the better of him, but now he had Evan to pluck those slivers out, to bring Tommy back to himself and the person he wanted to be. “Honestly, if not for Evan, I probably wouldn’t have even come to the funeral.”

Maggie nodded. “There’s a reason I didn’t go,” she said. “I refuse to let my girls be in the same room with that man. We did our own little remembrance ceremony later.”

“That must have been a tough decision,” said Tommy.

Maggie shrugged. “Honestly, the hardest part of my marriage wasn’t even Mikey’s drinking,” she said. “It was having Jonathan as a father-in-law. If he wasn’t criticising everything about me, he was leering at me. And you know how Mikey is, always wanting everyone to get along.” She sighed. “He was so worried about keeping the peace that he never actually backed me up against your dad.”

And Tommy could picture it, the isolation Maggie must have felt in his father’s house with a husband who wouldn’t take her side. “That’s what Dad does,” said Tommy. “He knows exactly how to put pressure on relationships to make them break, to turn people against each other, to isolate people. My first captain was the same way.”

“God, that must have been hell to grow up with,” said Maggie.

And Tommy couldn’t argue with that.

Eventually, Maggie had to leave to pick up her kids from their grandmother’s house, but before she did, Tommy made sure to grab her number and email so they could coordinate a visit. By the time Maggie left, it was getting on towards dinner time and Mikey’s kitchen was in no way set up for cooking anything remotely resembling real food and his fridge was full of pre-made microwavable meals, so they decided to order take out from a nearby Chinese restaurant that Tommy was amazed was still open. It’d been one of his favourites as a kid and he’d always loved it when Mom has a little extra spending money, and she’d take the three of them out and they’d eat spring rolls and sesame chicken and try to break their fortune cookies in two without crushing the brittle biscuits.

Wanting to see if it was anything like he remembered, Tommy volunteered to walk the three blocks from Mikey’s house to pick the food up.

“Can I come with you?” Noah asked. It was the most he’d said to Tommy since arriving.

“Sure,” said Tommy. He cast Evan a questioning look.

“Go.” Evan stretched his arms across the back of Mikey’s beige sofa and it was wonderful to see Evan looking so comfortable after he’d been so nervous earlier. “I’ll hang out here.”

Tommy raised an eyebrow.

“I’ll be fine,” said Evan, amusement edging his voice.

“Go, bond,” said Mikey. “We’ll keep Buck company.”

And Tommy decided to trust that Evan truly was fine.

Noah kept quiet at first and Tommy thought it was better to leave space for his younger half-brother to speak first.

After a block, Noah spoke. “How’d you do it?” he asked, almost too softly to be heard over the sound of traffic.

“What?” Tommy asked.

“Find the courage to leave?” asked Noah. “You’re the only one. Everyone else either never left or came back.”

“I don’t know about that it had anything to do with courage,” said Tommy. “It always felt like running away. Abandoning my duty. I promised I’d protect Mikey and Tony, but I got scared and ran away.”

1990

Tommy was four. He wasn’t sure what was going on. First Mommy was sick, throwing up at random times and then Daddy was mad which was scary and made Tommy want to cry only he had to try really hard not to cry because that only made Daddy louder. Then Mommy stopped being sick so much but there was still something off. She smelled different and she cried more, and she stopped drinking the sour grape juice that she usually had every night.

And not long after that, Mommy came into Tommy’s room. “Scoot over,” she whispered so that Daddy wouldn’t wake up and yell. It was one of Daddy’s snoring nights. One of the nights that Mommy said they had to be very quiet because if they woke Daddy up, he’d turn into a dragon.

Dragon Daddy was even scarier than regular Daddy.

Tommy scooted and tucked himself up against Mommy’s side, pressing his ear to her ribs so he could hear her heartbeat.

“I’m going to tell you a secret, Tommy,” Mommy said. “I need you to promise not to tell anyone, not Daddy, not Auntie, not even Nonna. Do you promise.”

Tommy nodded.

“Cross your heart and hope to die?”

It was scary because Tommy didn’t want to die if he accidentally told someone Mommy’s secret, but that made the secret even bigger, and he really wanted to know, and he didn’t want Mommy to think he was scared so he took his pointer finger and crossed his heart. “Cross my heart and hope to die,” he said.

“Good boy.” Mommy kissed his forehead. “You know how Mommy’s been sick,” she said. “And how I’ve been moody?”

Tommy nodded.

“Well, that’s because I’m going to have a baby,” said Mommy. “But I don’t want Daddy to yet, because Daddy doesn’t like babies.”

Tommy knew what babies were and he knew they came from mommies’ tummies, but Mommy’s tummy was still flat. “But you’re not big,” he said.

Mommy chuckled. “Not yet,” she said. “The baby’s still too small to show, but he or she’s in here.” She took his hand and guided it to her lower belly. “You’re going to be a big brother. Do you know what that means?”

Tommy shook his head.

“It means you’re going to have a little brother or sister and you’re going to have to be very brave and protect them,” said Mommy.

“From Dragon Daddy,” said Tommy.

Mommy squeezed him closer. “Yes, from Dragon Daddy,” she said. “Can you do that? Can you be brave for me?”

Tommy didn’t know, but he didn’t want to disappoint Mommy, so he said yes.

“That’s my brave little soldier,” said Mommy and Tommy drifted off to sleep listening to her heart. He dreamt of fighting dragons.

2025

Only, Tommy’s bravery had died when his father pulled the plug on Mom.

And maybe, that was part of why he’d gone to war. Maybe he’d been hoping that if he actually became a soldier, he’d find his bravery again. Only war had broken him and some of the pieces were still missing, and others were loose even though he’d managed to fit them back together again.

“I wish I was brave enough to run away,” said Noah. “But Dad would just find me or one of his patrol buddies would.”

There were two ways Tommy could play this: ask Noah why he wanted to run and risk Noah shutting down or make a joke and hope Noah kept opening up. “Yeah, one of the downsides of having a cop for a dad,” he said. “Whatever you do, though, I don’t recommend joining the army.”

Noah actually chuckled a little. “Wasn’t planning to,” he said. “They’d make me cut my hair.” And there was something there, some truth Tommy didn’t have enough pieces of to put together. He hoped he got the chance to figure it out.

“What about college?” Tommy asked, though he couldn’t see their father shelling out tuition on his police pension.

“Too expensive,” said Noah. “And I’m not as smart as Mikey. No way I’d land a full ride scholarship like he did.”

Tommy grinned at that. When he’d heard about Mikey’s scholarship, he’d been so proud. Of course, it’d also affirmed his belief that he’d been right to keep away, that his brothers were doing just fine without him. “Let me guess, Dad wants you to follow in his footsteps, join the force. Wants at least one of his sons to finally make him proud.”

“Yup,” said Noah. “Ain’t happening though.”

They reached the restaurant which hadn’t changed at all since Tommy had last been there. He even recognised the hostess – a little greyer and a little more hunched. What was more, she recognised him. “Been a long time, Tommy Kinard.”

“Hey, Mrs Chen,” said Tommy, astonished that he’d made enough of an impression on her that she’d recognise him all these years later despite being taller and broader and having twenty more years of life carved into his face.

“You back for good or just visiting?” she asked after sending a kid who Tommy suspected was her grandson to the back to grab their order.

“Just visiting,” he said.

“I was sorry to here about your grandmother,” said Mrs Chen. “I always liked her.”

“Thanks,” said Tommy. “That means a lot.” And it did, to know that Nonna had impacted more than just her family, that her legacy and influence would live beyond her, rooted in the community she’d loved.

Mrs Chen threw a few extra fortune cookies in their bag before they left.

“I can’t believe she still remembers me,” said Tommy as they started walking back to Mikey’s.

“You left a bigger hole than you thought,” said Noah.

“Yeah, I guess so,” said Tommy. And wasn’t that a remarkable thought? He’d thought he’d be forgotten; thought he could simply slide out of one life and into another and no one would notice or care. How wrong he’d been. “Can’t say I was the smartest eighteen-year-old.” Since Noah seemed a bit more relaxed, Tommy asked. “Is there something you like to do?”

Noah shrugged, rustling the bag of food against his pant leg. “I like music,” he said. “I actually play bass in a band with some friends. We’re not very good, but it’s fun.”

“That’s cool,” said Tommy. “I always wanted to learn an instrument, but Dad said it was a waste of time.” Maybe Dad had changed after all.

“Dad doesn’t know,” said Noah. “Not even Mikey and Tony know.” Which meant he didn’t fully trust them not to let Noah’s hobby slip to their father. Tommy knew Tony still saw Dad pretty regularly, but he thought that Mikey had pretty much gone no contact.

Tommy chuckled. “I think you’re braver than you give yourself credit for, kid,” he said. “No way would I have had the guts to sneak around and learn an instrument behind his back.”

To Tommy’s delight, Noah smiled. It was a small, bashful thing, but it was the first time he’d seen a smile on his half-brother’s face, and it was lovely.

“When did you realise you were never gonna be able to live up to his expectations?” Noah asked.

Tommy sighed and shook his head. “Our situations are a little different there,” he said. “Dad never wanted to marry my mom. Their parents forced them to tie the knot when they got pregnant with me. So, I guess you could say I started out life failing to meet Dad’s expectations.”

Noah nodded. He licked his lips before saying, “My mom was pregnant with me when they got married, too. So, it’s pretty similar, I guess. Only I don’t think Nonna forced Dad into getting married again.”

“I didn’t know that,” said Tommy. And once again he was hit with just how much family history he’d missed. He was used to feeling like an outsider looking in, so he wasn’t sure why it stung so much in this situation.

Noah shrugs like it’s not a big deal. “I guess, I never realised how much we have in common, since no one really talked about you.” He shook his long hair out of his face. “I mean, I knew I had an older brother named Tommy. Nonna had a picture of you on the mantle in your military uniform and everything. For a long time, I thought maybe you’d died and that’s why I’d never met you.”

“Dad probably would’ve preferred it that way,” said Tommy. “Then he could’ve had a martyr for a son he could brag about to his friends without having to worry about all the ways that I embarrass him just by being me. What made you realise I wasn’t dead.”

“Mikey told me when he was drunk,” said Noah. “I don’t even know if he remembers he told me. He started crying and ranting about how he wished he’d never said what he said. How he missed you. I think I was ten. I wanted to know more about you, so I asked Nonna, but she just said it would make Dad angry if he found out I told you anything and Tony always got angry when I asked, so I stopped asking.”

“Why would you want to know more about me?” Tommy asked.

Noah seemed about to say something, but then his expression shuttered. He shook his head. “I don’t know,” he said.

And Tommy was pretty sure that was the first lie his youngest brother had told him, but he didn’t press the issue. They’d only just met; it would take time for Noah to trust Tommy enough to truly open up and Tommy could be patient. “If you ever need anything, you can call me,” he said. “And I’m not just saying that. I will fly up from LA if you need me to.”

Noah’s eyes widened in shock. “Really?”

Tommy turned to face his younger brother full-on. “I mean it,” he said. “I know we’ve only just met, and I regret that. I wish I could have been there for you, but I wasn’t. I want to be there for you now, if you’ll let me.”

Noah nodded. “Thanks,” he said.

They reached Mikey’s place a little while after that and Noah faded back to the sidelines, though Tommy thought he seemed a little more relaxed than he had before.

The next day, Tommy and Evan drove into San Francisco to check out the jewellers they’d shortlisted as options for designing their wedding bands. They planned to get silicone bands for when they were working, but they both agreed that it would be fun to design their rings together. Well, mostly it was Evan who thought it would be fun, and he’d managed to convince Tommy of the merits of putting more thought into what their wedding bands would look like than just picking out generic gold or silver mens wedding bands.

“This is the place that does the meteorite inlay,” Evan said as they parked in front of what looked to Tommy like an alley.

“Are you sure this is the right place?” Tommy asked, though he still followed Evan away from the car.

“Yeah,” said Evan. “It used to be a queer friendly speakeasy back during prohibition.”

“Oh really?” said Tommy, preparing himself to be inundated with facts and Evan did not disappoint. Tommy smiled to himself as Evan led him into the tucked away jewellery store and not for the first time thanked God or whatever greater power was out there for putting them in each other’s paths and for giving Tommy the bravery to for once in his life not run away.

At the end of the visit, they placed an order for a gold ring with a redwood inlay for Tommy and a titanium ring with a meteorite inlay for Evan, engraved with their initials on the inside and the date they’d chosen for the wedding.

Tommy couldn’t wait until the day they’d be able to wear them.

#bucktommy #bucktommy fic #tevan #tommy kinard #evan buck buckely #rebuilding burnt bridges #original characters #9 1 1 fanfiction

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