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crowblackbird · 7 years ago

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The City of Beautiful Liars: Part 2. The Life and Times of Louie Caldo.

My name is Louie Caldo, Italian by origin, I even grew up there, until my last year of high school. I liked being the cool guy with the cool accent, I couldn’t help it. I was learning to speak English in my last year of school in Amerikka. I knew Bon Jovi’s real Italian name, and I knew how to say it, it drove the girl’s nuts. Needless to say, I got a lot of girls that year. All the guys were jealous. They wanted to know which one was the easiest. I said no one was easy, we just talked, held other, kissed, we made love. When we were done, we promised to love each other forever. The guys all got lost in thought, but the hardest part I said, was saying good bye and good night.

Just thinking of this makes me wanna dance. I float back in time, we lived in the beautiful ancient part of Trastevera, the original slum area of ancient Rome, Italy. One day, my Dad got a job in the late 80’s as a software engineer. Was a good time for us, we had money. My Dad developed, some of the early laptops(which were never sold!). We all still live here, Amerikkka is our home. I also married a beautiful Amerikkkan Indian woman, she came with a small child a turning three: girl. It took a long time for that little angel to like me, at least I think it did. Even now, as we are separated, I wonder if the little 11 year old girl misses me, or ever wishes dearly that I was there.

Those past times, when we said, “good night, I love you.” I would then say in my typical Dad humor, dream of blue turtles. “Blue turtles?”

“Yeah, it’s an album by STING. Dream of Blues Turtles, or purple ones or pink ones.

She would laugh, and say, “good night.”

I will never know if that little girl thinks of me, I want to know. If I had a chance I would hold that little girl, along with her Mom. So close. I would tell them both, I am so sorry I left. Daddy needs you, you two wonderful girls are a part of Louie’s heart. I know we would hold each other so tight, and maybe even cry. I know I would. I fear I am too weak of a man. I wasn’t strong enough to stay, I wasn’t strong enough to fight the same desires my parents had: the urge to go. Ya, you guessed it. They eventually did separate. They both claim to be living happy separate lives. Maybe this is what will be with my wife and I, in the future.. Maybe she and the little girl are both living this happy separate life without me.

There’s me like a sick Husband, lying in bed, calling on his wife to care for him. She loves to cater, he tells her she doesn’t have to. She, like a faithful person, says she loves him, so it is no problem. What would I do without you, he says. Prolly die, she grins back. He laughs, knowing why he fell in love with her. Her grin and her sense of humor with him, towards him. He could be in a room full of people and all he heard was her. It has happened several times.

Instead with me and my wife, it was tense. I never knew if she was bored, or having a good time. There were a few times, he admitted, he saw he looking over at him. They would exchange a smile, it was a type of love making. He really did enjoy that, when they got home, the sex was different. It was more tender, he forgot about what we doing and was taken back to the party they had attended. He saw her in my mind, what she was wearing, and they way in which she held herself, as she spoke to that other woman.

She said he ogled women, fuck that shit! He was just surprised those other women didn’t look as good as his. He was disgusted in all the other women. Only she mattered to him. Then he would thrust, and she would moan, “oh you are so deep.”

This would always bring him back to the moment. Louie remembered a few nights, when they were going at it hard and sweaty. He said, “I love you my beautiful wife.” She said, “I love you my wonderful husband.”

Louie calls The Beautiful City Help-Line: She always claimed I was flirting with other women, in a way I guess I was. She told me to lose contact with them, but I didn’t. I didn’t believe a few words of hello would turn into such arguments just between the two of us. I was being lazy and noncommittal. This is why I came to The City of Beautiful Liars. I needed to see something, I don’t know what it is. But, I feel like I have seen a glimpse. It’s like looking in the mirror, I see some loneliness. There are a lot of lonely single people in this world. They walk down the snow covered sidewalks, they think to themselves continually. They need the commotion, the other. The other is not inside the house when they enter, they keep talking, keep walking. Once inside, they talk to the cat, the dog, the pets, or they turn on the radio. The radio helps, it all helps. It gives them, us, me, a chance to relax, sum up the day. Breathe it out. Give ourselves a chance to be home, at home, where we are home alone and can do something for ourselves. For me, it’s writing. I write so much since I have been alone, that I spend the day with my characters. I even had to tell myself that they won’t be there, when I am at work. Only you, Louie Caldo and only you Louie Caldo will be there. Don’t forget that, you can be you.

Truth be told, since I am the only one here who knows me. I have come here to The Beautiful City to drink myself to death. I know my heart is weak, and I don’t have a vision anymore; like the good book says: without a vision the people perish. I plan on perishing here in The City of Beautiful Liars. Instead right now, I wanna play some Bon Jovi, we related to this band, we both grew up to this. We laughed as we both mentioned that we both slow-danced to Don’t Cry by Guns n’ Roses. I said, the girl I danced with said that guy over there, he wants to fight you because I am dancing with you. I looked over and I didn’t want to fight him. I let her go a little, she said don’t do that. Hold me she whispered. Hold me like he would hold me. I obeyed. Just now, I drive myself crazy with the thought she might be thinking the same thing. I can’t imagine another man embracing her, I can’t imagine her return embrace. Holding him, like she would held me.

I am Louie Caldo and I am falling in love with death. I have come here to die without her. I am sorry that she doesn’t love me anymore, and I am sorry she no longer considers me to be her husband.

Cracking open another beer, I’ve already been on a four month fast. I don’t eat, I don’t need to eat, I don’t want to eat. I am skin and bones. I know I am dying already, sometimes there’s a sudden pierce to my heart, and I refuse to stop smoking. Yeah I should be on the TV show, The Pity Party. I laughed just now. Thinking of her in the crowd, she wouldn’t be in the crowd. She would refuse the invite, just like when she sent all my letters back to me. To be honest, thought Louie, I was hurt so much. But, he encouraged himself with the content of the letters. His heart-felt words were summoned from deep inside of himself. He meant every word. Also, by the return of the letters, he knew she still loved him. Some part of you loves me, Louie said out loud, some part of you aches for me. Maybe it’s my feet touching your feet, in bed. Lpouie held himself.

Whoa, where did I just go there? Sorry, I digressed. Says Louie.

I was telling you I was lonely. I am lonely. I always thought my parents were lonely, but cool. They would come home, I split-stayed. Dad: Thursday to Sun. Mom: Sunday to Wednesday. The funny thing, this was normal for me. I had the best of both worlds, they gave themselves to me utterly. I never felt alone. But, here I am now, utterly alone.

I am Louie Caldo, and I am utterly alone. On the night stand, is a name tag. On the name tag, it states: Hi, My Name is Love Proof Heart. Every single hotel room in this city has a name. I wonder what the other names are, I should go out and seek them. Maybe I can write about it, it would be my last ever article. Oh yeah, she always liked my words, she liked my writing. But, I can’t be with you. To me, this always meant that she had another. Maybe she just needed to go there, to say that. She needed the space to learn not to love me. It wasn’t about another man. She would always cry to me, let another man love me like I need to be loved. I always thought, why another man? I am here.

Say it, “my name is Love Proof Heart,” says the instructions on The City of Beautiful Liars visitor manual. Too be honest it felt good. I felt like this was me, I was Love Proof Heart. I am Love Proof Heart. I checked my email, no more messages from her. I remembered in the past I copied and pasted, I mean wrote her a letter. I asked her not to tell me what a terrible man I was, I couldn’t stand it anymore. This part was copied and pasted.

Funny, in a way. I just thought, I have been playing by the rules of a game, the game always goes to the house. Instead, I was hoping I could take the house this time.

I lost to the house.

I want to be the other man, that can love her. I know I could do it now. Right now, I hate that thought, because at the moment, she is likely not even thinking of me. I know it, because she hasn’t even written me another email.

She asked once, in an email. How can a person always make the same mistake? I had no words. I had no idea, except that maybe she never asked him sooner. When we were together, we could have figured that out.

Instead, I think. Only you Louie Caldo are here. Here alone. Only you, say it: I am Love Proof Heart.

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