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rachellaumbrella · 5 months ago

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death

9/23/2024

I guess I made a tumblr to use as a diary, it seems like a lot people do. I would just journal but sometimes that doesn't always seem 100% private. I really don't know what to write either, I thought about writing about past life events. Maybe help myself work through stuff or unburden myself.. Ill write about my mom. She passed away in 2023. Actually 2 days after my 30th birthday. Shitty, I know. The last day I seen my mom was on my birthday, she would make whatever i wanted for dinner and always made me a cake. She wasn't feeling well because she had a cold & a ear ache, She kept asking if I was happy & okay cause she felt bad that she didn't feel well and felt like she didn't do enough. I was happy, I felt bad & even told her before if she wasn't feeling well, we can have my bday dinner another day. She insisted we still have it that day, looking back, I'm happy we did. The following day, her and my dad went grocery shopping. My bday was on Friday and she passed Sunday morning. So she went shopping Saturday, in case anyone is reading this & to better understand the timeline. On my bday, I told her I would be over Tuesday and if she still wasn't feeling well, I would take her to the doctor.

Back Story: My mom wasn't in poor health but she wasn't working due to having hip problems, making it difficult to walk around. She has always been in the service industry, either as a waitress or bartender. My mom has struggled with addiction to drugs and alcohol majority of her life, she got sober from drinking when i was in 3rd grade. She stayed sober for awhile but eventually began drinking again because like I said, she has always worked in bars & restaurants. Anyone who knows addiction, its not the best ide. a for a alcoholic to work in a bar. She never became sober from pain killers during this whole time, I didn't this till I was a adult. I'll get more into this another time. When she stopped working, I went over a lot during the day to keep her company and to drive her to doctor appointments or whatever she needed to do. In this time, I became closer to my mom than I ever had before. Due to her addiction, we didn't have much of a mother-daughter relationship or the one I wanted to have. I wasn't working at this time because I was taking care of my niece and nephew because my sister in law was struggling with her own issues at this time, again another story for another time.

Several months before her death, she had her hip replaced. The surgery went very well & her rehab was great. Due to insurance and her surgeon wanted to make sure she was in best shape for surgery, it took some time from the time she stopped working to having the surgery. Because it took so long, she was putting her weight on her other hip which wasn't already in the best of shape. After so much time, the doctor said basically, he couldn't even fit a hair in her hip joint, which means it was bone on bone. The week after my bday, we were going to the doctor to get the surgery scheduled for the other hip. My mom had her own mental health struggles through her life which led to self medicating and which lead to addiction. She was on several medications for mental health and she was on a drug for addiction opiates. She was on that for 10 years, maybe less. I don't think that's normal, I'm not a doctor so who am I to say, right? I think I'll write more about her addiction in another time. I think I'm getting side tracked haha.

So I have dinner with my family Friday for my birthday. Saturday, my parents go grocery shopping and spend the day at home. My bday is in January in Northwest Indiana so its very cold. My husband & I go to dinner Saturday night for my bday, he likes to do something just us for my bday plus it was my 30th so we went to a nice place. Sunday morning, I wake up, I don't feel right... Not like sick or anything just felt like something was off. I got up and went to lay on the couch and put on the TV. For some reason, which to this day I do not know why I left my cell phone on my nightstand. Which isn't something I normally do. I end up drifting back off to sleep and I woke to my husband talking, it sounded like he was just woken up. I heard him say my dads name so I sat up. He came out into the living room and handed me the phone. I don't remember if it was his phone or mine. I do recall looking at my phone after and seeing I had 8 missed calls from my dad. My phone was on silent so I never heard it. I never heard my dad scream and cry like that, he kept just saying, "she's dead Rachel, she's dead". It didn't register with me at the moment, I just looked at my husband and said, "I need to go, something is wrong with my mom". My husband already knew what was going on so we got our coats & left. I live about 30 minutes from my parents home. I don't remember the drive very much besides my aunt calling to see where I was. When I got there, there was so many cars there. My moms sisters(who live 45 minutes away) were there along with their husbands and one aunt brought her kids too. It was a lot to walk into. My dads brother & wife(my uncle & aunt) were also there. My dad wouldn't let the funeral home take my mom or move her until I got there. I was asked if I wanted to see her before they took her, I really didn't know how to answer or feel about it. I guess it took over a hour for anyone to show up and move her. So my mom was laying on the floor while everyone was showing up. The funeral home, was in the middle of putting her on a gunnery as I arrived. Like I said, all of this wasn't really registering with me or what happened or what was happening. I went to see my dad first and was stopped because they were taking my mom out, I turned around and seen my mom in a body bag. Then was asked if I wanted to see her or say bye before they took her. I didn't want to. I didn't see her. Which I think was for the best, I didn't want my last memory and seeing my mom for the final time in my childhood home was of her dead. My last memory was on my birthday, her alive giving me hugs, kisses, telling me "happy birthday", and asking if I was happy. Its bitter. I don't look forward to my birthday anymore. My mom passed in January of 2023, so as I write this, it been almost 2 years. That whole day was a lot. I was annoyed with my family for even being there. My moms sisters quit speaking to her for several years. They only recently started speaking again because my grandmother had to go into the hospital for a fall and the doctors said she couldn't live on her own anymore so we had to go through all her belongings and move her into assisted living. My mom was aware she wasn't the best sister to them due her addictions. She was trying to mend those relationship's at the time. I just wanted everyone gone so I can process all of it, My sister was on the phone the whole time, calling everyone to let them know what happened. My sister is much more social than I am. I barely use any social media, I don't post really anything about my life around 2 years or more. My dad was crying a lot and blamed himself for not getting up sooner, in his head, if he got up sooner, he would seen her on the ground and could of got her help.

My dad didn't want a autopsy done because he didn't want anyone to hurt her and cut her. I don't know what actually caused her death. If the death appears to be natural causes, the corner doesn't even take the body, you have to find a funeral home and have them come. Which I didn't know, you'd think there would be things in place so the family doesn't have to figure that out within moments of a loved one passing. I don't think her cold had much to do with her death. I just know it was natural causes, so it could be heart attack, stroke...I guess whatever is in the realm of natural causes. I was angry and so sad for such a long time because it wasn't fair, why would she pass right after my birthday... Just grief.

Her service was really nice. A lot more people showed up, way more than we expected and planned for. It was too overwhelming, I didn't want to talk to everyone and be asked what happened , I couldn't tell them. I just tried to avoid everyone as much as possible. I never thought about that before. I've been to more than my fair share of funerals before and it is just the worst, standing there & repeating the same things over & over to everyone who comes up to you. Its almost torture. The funeral home did a wonderful job and so helpful. My mom loved pajama sets. She liked to me comfortable and cute. We decided to put her in set of her favorite pajamas. She wore a pink long sleeve shirt and the pants were grey and pink. If you didn't knwo, you'd think she was just in a regular outfit. I don't know the correct name but the lady who dressed her and did the make up did a great job. Like I said, I've been to a lot of services and a lot of the time, the person doesn't look like them anymore. My mom looked like she was just asleep. I couldn't touch her. I never been able to touch anyone in a casket since I was a kid. The first time I did, the body was hard and cold. I didn't understand why the person felt that way. As I got older, I understand it but I just couldn't bring myself to hug & kiss my mom while she was in the casket. I don't know if that makes me a bad person or not.

#my writing

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stark-tones · 2 years ago

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my himbo dylan o'brien has landed a spot on a popular tv show as the trashy boyfriend of one of the main beloved characters on the show. only, their chemistry has taken it off camera and not only have they tried to hide their romance, they're about to have a surprise oopsie to hide too. dylan o'brien, audreyena michelle.

mbj x open - flight pilot that has been flirting with a stewardess for months and things are about to heat up.

crew members on an expensive cruise ship, but the three week trip and their constant flirting is drawing to a climax.

nashville plot - they were both a song-writing hit duo, but when his troubled past met his partying lifestyle, he was forced to walk away and spend the next five years in and out of rehab. now, two years after that, he's finally getting his life in proper order, and she's come knocking on his door to help her fix the writing block that's been keeping her from her next album. rudy pankow

she was the daughter of the alpha, and her brother was supposed to be the next in line. only, my character stepped up and challenged him cause everyone knew he was a shitty guy and a shittier leader. now it's been five years.

Sky high villain.

Boy band celeb and fan.

vampire hunters that are getting some serious sexual tension a la vampire academy.

save the last dance insp plot

oliver stark viking has returned home with his captives and feels so out of place, and has started talking to one of the people he brought home.

glen powell hotshot lawyer

magic is addictive. and when he starts toying around in dark magic, she tries to stop him… until he's started dragging her in too. (mentions of addiction)

batman / catwoman early meetings and relationships

hollywood crappy apartment complex. his neighbor and her boyfriend have been fighting a lot, and its toxic and dv. one night after a bad fight, the boyfriend storms off and she comes over to his place to ask if she can crash on his couch. they got to hollywood around the same time, became neighbors and became kind of friendly, talking about life and random things they had in common before she got her boyfriend and became distant.

mikey madison + / lip gallagher +

cole + phoebe

his dad owns the apartment building where she lives, and as he's gotten too old to do a lot of the handy work around the place, he's picked up the slack. only, she's been here the past few months and things keep "breaking".

malia and styles, werewolf girlfriend

conman romances billionaires daughter, only to skip out of town after switching out a priceless (or not) piece of artwork for his own copy, before skipping out of town. she's noticed, but never said anything to her family, only to run into him seven years later at a family event and prepared to confront him for using her.

(ric and evie) indiana jones style character paleontologist (chris evans?) that spent fifteen years trying to find a treasure. he teamed up with another "paleontologist" to help him find it. when he found it, she poisoned him and snuck off with the treasure. they meet five years later at an art gallery and flirting ensues.

young clark and lois at the office.

30 pact that they'll get married. only, she hasn't had any luck and she's come back to their hometown after a long string of bad luck in a big city to see him happy and successful…. and engaged, and decided she never should have waited and going to win him over.

she's discovered that her boyfriend has been cheating on her, and rather than confronting him again, she's decided she's going to go to the town asshole and convince him to fuck her until she forgets.

she's one of the few females that's ever been born into the pack, so there's been "expectations". but, when she turned 18, she decided she couldn't sing up for that life in the pack and took off to college (or whatever) far away, and made a life for herself. only, she's come back and things are different. her old best friend (yay lanky friendzone vibes for a boy that filled out into a man) is the alpha now and they're going to catch up on things and new feelings for her.

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residentialtreatmentfacility · 2 years ago

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Important Components of Addiction Treatment

Addiction is a complex disease that requires effective treatment to ensure successful recovery. The most important step in addiction treatment is when an individual admits they have a problem and is willing to seek help. Often, this will happen as a result of an intervention conducted by friends or family members, which can be very helpful in getting someone to the point where they are ready for treatment.

Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is used in many addiction treatment programs to address the mental, emotional and physical needs of clients. It involves talking with the client about their problems and helping them identify and change negative thinking patterns, which can be one of the causes of addiction.

Group Therapy is also an important part of addiction treatment and can be done in a variety of settings, including outpatient treatment centers. These groups are designed to support and encourage people in recovery by providing a community of individuals who have also experienced addiction.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is an evidence-based therapy that helps patients understand how their thoughts and beliefs can impact their behavior. This is crucial for patients in addiction treatment because it allows them to make changes that will help them move forward with their lives and stay sober.

Medication Assisted Therapy (MAT) is another important component of addiction treatment at https://www.mockingbirdhill.org/ and can be used to help people overcome substance use disorders and other psychological problems. This type of treatment is usually more intensive than a standard outpatient program and can include medications such as methadone, levo-alpha-acetyl-methadol (LAAM), and naltrexone.

Medications are also often used in combination with other therapies such as counseling and 12-step programs. These can help people with opiate dependence and alcohol abuse stabilize their lives and reduce their drug use.Know more about rehabs at http://www.ehow.com/how_5630706_start-wildlife-rehab-center.html.

Self-Help Groups are also an important part of addiction treatment and can reduce the sense of shame and isolation that is commonly associated with relapse. These groups can be found throughout the country and are a great way for people in recovery to build a strong support network and learn how to live a healthy, sober life.

The Recovery Model is a popular approach to addiction treatment and has been shown to have a positive effect on the lives of those who participate in it. This approach combines the best elements of behavioral and psychotherapeutic treatment and uses the 12 step model of recovery.

Depending on the severity level of the patient’s addiction, they may be evaluated for a more or less intensive level of care. Some people will require a residential treatment center, while others will be in an outpatient program with frequent appointments.

These types of addiction treatment in indiana are designed to address the underlying cause of an addiction, which can be related to a psychiatric disorder, traumatic event, or stress in a person’s life. A therapist will work with the individual to uncover these problems and help them change their thinking patterns so that they no longer have to rely on alcohol or drugs to deal with their issues.

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sunriserecoverycare · 3 years ago

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Can a drug addict fully recover without going to rehab?

Most of the people suffering from addiction are likely to show several symptoms of diagnosis in the first few years. These patients never head to sunrise house rehab and apparently find a way to change their tactics to more healthy habits. They do it all by themselves. You need to head to Best Addiction Rehab Indiana if you cannot change your behaviour by yourself. You can go for any rehab inpatient or outpatient it all depends on your situation. If you use alcohol then you need to go for medical detox as the professionals at sunrise rehab center here will help you with a treatment that aligns with your needs. You can join recovery care centers and get a complete recovery from addiction.

#sunrise house rehab #Best Addiction Rehab Indiana #sunrise rehab center #addiction recovery #alcohol rehab #Free Drug Rehab in Indiana

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sunrisecare · 2 years ago

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Sunrise Drug Rehab

Many rehab centers provide a variety of services that can help people struggling with addiction. The first step in most programs is detoxification, which helps to rid the body of harmful toxins. After detox, patients typically receive counseling and therapy to address the underlying causes of their addiction. Sunrise Drug Rehab offers group therapy, which can provide support and encouragement from others who are facing similar challenges. In addition, many programs include activities such as yoga and meditation, which can help to promote inner peace and healing. With the right treatment plan, recovery is possible for anyone struggling with addiction.

#rehabs in indiana #addiction recovery #meth addiction recovery #best addiction recovery care

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jadequeen88 · 2 years ago

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The Last in Line: Chapter 1 - "Heaven and Hell"

SUMMARY:

"Eddie is a force of nature, wholly taken by the music, threatening to sweep up everyone else in his path. She can only imagine how well he commands a crowd. How they would want to be near him, to touch and consume, to try and swallow down some of the magic he creates with his fingers, his voice, his entire body. Because maybe if they could swallow bits of it, they could keep a little of his talent for themselves."

This is an AU with no Upside Down that takes place in 1987. The Reader moves back home to Hawkins after a rough time living in LA rubbing elbows with rockstars. She buys Benny’s and remodels it to make it into bar. Band auditions take place and a charismatic, pretty metal head along with his band shows up. The rest is history.❤️

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

When I say this is a true labor of love, I am not exaggerating one bit. A life-long obsession with any and all 70s and 80s metal, Tolkien, and D&D is being woven into every paragraph of this fic. It’s exceptionally rare for me to find a fictional character that combines all these things wrapped up in a package of witty banter, charm, and dreamy doe eyes. I knew I loved Eddie before embarking on writing this fic, but my intense love for our “Reader” surprised me. I aim to be vague on specific things like eye color, hair color, and skin color, but there are some things set in stone. She is 30 years old (Eddie is 22), she’s a recovering addict, and she was one of the notorious groupies of the 70s who rubbed elbows with some of the biggest names in rock.

TWs (for future chapters):

Porn with Feelings, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Resolved Sexual Tension, Oral Fixation, Smut, Eventual Smut, Shameless Smut, Slow Burn, Dom/sub Undertones, Bisexual Eddie Munson, Eddie Munson is a Sweetheart, accurate D&D references, Steve Harrington & Eddie Munson Acting as Dustin Henderson's Parental Figures, Steve Harrington is a Sweetheart, Eddie Munson Has ADHD, Dry Humping, Premature Ejaculation, Eddie Munson talks too much during sex, panty theft, Shotgunning, Praise Kink, Alternate Universe - No Upside Down (Stranger Things), Eddie Munson wants to be a good boy

“Sing me a song, you’re a singer. Do me a wrong, You’re a bringer of evil. The Devil is never a maker. The less that you give, you’re a taker.”

-Black Sabbath,"Heaven and Hell"

Reader's POV

Sweat stings her eyes as it trickles down her brow, the soaked handkerchief doing little to stop it at this point. But she can’t call it a night yet. Not when she is so close to being done. An exasperated sigh leaves her lips as she starts the tedious task of placing chairs around all the small tables she just sat out carefully. Not too many close to the stage, but enough to seat hungry and thirsty patrons between sets of live music.

The stage is an area of great pride for her. She built it with her own two hands, after all. (Okay, to be fair, maybe her dad did help just a tad.) Her therapist’s voice echoes in the back of her mind as she admires the fruits of her labor.

“A vital part of successful recovery is to keep busy. A new hobby, perhaps. Or a project. Put all the energy you used to spend on substances into something worthwhile that adds value to your life.”

She can’t think of anything more worthwhile than building up her own business in a town that desperately needed what she could offer. After leaving the rehab clinic in L.A., coming back to Indiana seemed like an utter failure. All the big, scary things her loved ones warned her about had happened to her. And there were even more horrible things she’d have never imagined, not until she’d lived them. But she’s still standing, still breathing. That has to count for something, right?

“Best to not go down that path tonight.” She shakes those thoughts out of her head before they grow big enough to consume her yet again.

No, tonight isn’t about peeking past the dark curtains of her mind into the past. Tonight is a night to feel proud of herself for once.

After locking up that night, she went to visit her parents and was greeted with cake and non-alcoholic sparkling juice. Her mom insisted that since her baby was sober, the whole family would be. Even though she insisted to her mom that it wasn’t necessary, it still made her heart clench that she was making an effort to create a healthy environment for her.

Driving home with a cake-coma depletes the last of her energy reserves and she collapses fully clothed onto her bed, not even bothering to pull back the comforter. She regrets it instantly when she wakes as the morning sunlight blares into her open blinds.

Now she sits at her kitchen island, black coffee in one hand and an ink pen in the other, with the soft sounds of her record player providing comforting background noise. The backbreaking labor might be over with (mostly), but she is far from being able to rest easy. She still needs employees, and writing up an ad for the local paper is proving more difficult than she imagined it would be initially.

Another sip of coffee breathing life into her weary body, she puts her pen back to paper and continues writing.

“Generals gathered in their masses Just like witches at black masses Evil minds that plot destruction Sorcerer of death’s construction”

She sings along with Ozzy’s voice seeping quietly from her sound system as her pen scratches along the lined pages. With one last re-read, making sure there were no major spelling errors, she’s satisfied enough to move on to the next matter of business. One she was more excited about: making flyers to hang around town for auditions.

She pulls her sketchbook towards her along with her favorite calligraphy pens and gets to work. After about thirty minutes, she has a flier she is happy enough with to take to the copy shop downtown.

WANTED: LIVE MUSIC Auditions this Wednesday 6PM @ Benny’s Looking to hire performers for steady gigs Must be 21 or older

The last track of “Paranoid” ends, signaling for her to get ready and get the ad and fliers taken care of. Opting for comfort over style (which she did most days), she throws on her favorite Judas Priest tee, jeans, Vans, and heads out.

Before she gets too overwhelmed by overthinking, she walks through the doorway and out into the trailer park, determined to make this work. It had to work, after using rock bottom as her foundation. She breathes in the warm morning air until her lungs ache. With a quick exhale, she sets out to tackle the day head-on.

Fliers were hung, ads were featured in the paper, and everything was set in place by Wednesday afternoon. After finding enough odd jobs around the place to keep her busy mind occupied, it was 5:45 before she knew it. So she grabbed her pen and paper, took a seat right in front of center stage, and waited.

As expected, there were quite a few solo acts. Most were painful to sit through, but there were a few promising options. One girl with red curls flowing down her back and a big sweet smile won the bar owner over with an acoustic performance of John Denver’s “The Music is You”. The second was a couple, the boyfriend playing guitar and singing backing vocals to his girlfriend. Her soulful vocals went perfectly with “A Change is Gonna Come” and her partner was an excellent musician as well. She knew both acts would draw in a crowd.

Finding two talented acts in middle-of-nowhere Indiana was definitely something to celebrate, but she couldn’t help feeling a little let down that she didn’t get any heavier-hitting bands. She wasn’t fool enough to expect the next Led Zeppelin to be dropped on her doorstep, but she was hoping to see at least one rock band. Even if it was just a group of friends who had formed their own little garage band.

She’s just about to lock up and call it a night when she hears the crunch of gravel under tires. Peeking out the front door, it was as if the Rock Gods hand answered her prayers. It looks like an actual band has shown up to play for her. She waits by the window to see how many people would exit the white van. Mildly surprised, she notes that these guys look like they’d be more at home in a science lab than performing at a bar. However, she was the last person to judge musicians on looks alone. Then the driver’s side door opens. That’s when it all clicks into place.

With a mane of dark hair crowning his head and a flurry of ringed hands, it was apparent who the mastermind behind this operation was. They began to unload and she watches in amusement as their leader responds to one of his bandmates with a crude gesture and wide, manic grin. This night might turn out more amusing than she’d hoped for.

Before they make their way inside, she slips back into her chair at the front of the stage. One heeled foot wiggles in the air excitedly as she crosses her legs, tapping her pen on her notebook. The double doors burst open and three younger-looking guys walk in behind “Mr. Lead Man,” looking less confident than their fearless commander. With one arm carrying a guitar case and the other outstretched, he greets her with a silly little half bow.

She raises a single eyebrow and can't hide the amused grin that crosses her face. This is the first time she notices his eyes. There is no other way to describe them besides… pretty. They’re round, deep brown eyes that carry the softest expression framed at the top by rows of lashes any woman would envy. She almost loses herself in them and misses what he’s saying.

“Good Lady! Terribly sorry we have arrived so late. Our campaign ran a bit longer tonight, as one does when the treasure the party stumbles upon happens to belong to one particularly nasty Beholder,” he leers like the devil himself at the friends gathered around him as they groan.

“Umm,” she looks around puzzled wondering what on earth he could be referencing. She decides it might be better to not know. “Of course. Totally. Hate when that happens.”

He simply grins, biting down on his lower lip. It’s apparent she’s full of shit and has no idea what he’s talking about. Before Mr. Dreamy Eyes could distract her further, she redirects them back to the reason they’re here.

“Okay boys,” she clicks her pen open, readying herself to jot down some notes. “Group name?”

“Corroded Coffin,” the brown-eyed boy says proudly, puffing out his chest. She resists the urge to chuckle at his preening.

She looks up through the fringe of her hair and smirks at him. “I like it. Very metal. Can I get your guys’ names?”

Unsurprisingly, the same guy introduces everyone by their first name and what they play, saving himself for last.

“And I’m Eddie Munson. Lead guitar and vocals.”

She hums lightly, not breaking eye contact, “No shit? You’re the frontman? Never would have guessed it.”

Eddie chuckles and that gorgeous grin overtakes his face. “You haven’t seen anything yet, madam.”

Oh… well then. This kid can hold his own with her. She likes that. She might be in danger of liking it too much. But enough of that…

“Okay, hot shot. Get up there and show me why Corroded Coffin should have a spot in my lineup.”

He leaps onto the stage, guitar still in hand, and whips around to face the empty bar. “As you wish!” he exclaims, his rings glinting in the low stage lights as he flourishes a hand in the air.

After that, there’s a bit of commotion setting everything up and getting instruments hooked up. One quick sound check to make sure they were in tune and the sound system was cooperating, they began.

Eddie looks to his drummer and then to his other two bandmates. A few taps of his feet and they begin. Four chords into the song and she instantly knows what they’re playing.

She sits up straighter, waiting on the edge of her seat to see if Eddie “pretty-boy” Munson had the chops to pull off what he was about to do.

“Sing me a song, you’re a singer. Do me a wrong, You’re a bringer of evil. The Devil is never a maker. The less that you give, you’re a taker.”

Any semblance of a poker face she is trying to keep on melts away and her jaw drops. This wiry, eccentric kid from the backwoods of Indiana is singing a Black Sabbath song damn near as well as Ronnie James Dio himself. He’s less polished with a touch more grit to his voice, but honestly? He makes it work.

She’s entranced. If this guy can nail the guitar solo like he does the vocals, she’s going to lose her mind…

And of course, he actually does. His fingers fly along the neck of his B.C. Rich Warlock, not missing a single note. He completely loses himself in the music, throwing his head back, and exposing the smooth, ivory column of his throat. He commands the tempo of the song through his fingers, gradually building into the crescendo of the song. When he begins to sing again, he’s frenzied and passionate but doesn’t once sacrifice his glorious, gravelly tone.

“They say that life's a carousel Spinning fast, you've got to ride it well The world is full of kings and queens Who blind your eyes and steal your dreams It's Heaven and Hell, oh well”

Eddie is a force of nature, wholly taken by the music, threatening to sweep up everyone else in his path. She can only imagine how well he commands a crowd. How they would want to be near him, to touch and consume, to try and swallow down some of the magic he creates with his fingers, his voice, his entire body. Because maybe if they could swallow bits of it, they could keep a little of his talent for themselves.

“And they'll tell you black is really white The moon is just the sun at night And when you walk in golden halls You get to keep the gold that falls It's Heaven and Hell, oh no”

She’s sitting on the edge of her chair now, notebook forgotten. Her world is narrowed down to him. To Eddie Munson. Eddie with the big, kind eyes and the voice of a demon. And when the song ends, it takes her much longer to come back into her body than she’d ever expected to. Utter silence falls before she can speak.

Before the silence gets too awkward, she shakes some sense into herself, clears her throat, and smiles.

“Consider me thoroughly impressed,” she says, her grin stuck in place. “When do you guys wanna start?”

Eddie puts on a show of spinning around, making eye contact with all of his bandmates, and then back at her, mirroring her excited expression.

“So, this means we get to play here? Like, every week?” A finger absently twirls a strand of hair near his face while the opposite arm supports his elbow across his chest.

“Yes, like, every week.” An amused huff leaves her mouth. “Now, which night works better for you? Friday nights or Saturday?”

Eddie’s brown eyes shine with mischief and he pulls his plush bottom lip in between his pretty, white teeth. He leaps down from the stage to stand right in front of her. With absolutely no shame whatsoever, he rakes his gaze up from the tips of her black heel-clad feet to her arched brow. If his gaze lingers momentarily on the tiny sliver of her exposed cleavage, neither of them was going to acknowledge that fact.

“Whenever the good lady needs us here, we’ll be here.” It’s probably the softest he’s spoken since entering her bar.

She meets his gaze and tells him her name. He repeats it back and the way his mouth rolls over the vowels and consonants of it sends a ghost of a shiver up her spine.

“I’m thinking Friday night,” she says looking back down at her notes. The way her stomach is clenching while Eddie holds her gaze is making her feel things she wasn’t about to let a 20-something-year-old kid stir up in her. “I could advertise some drink specials to draw in locals and you guys can get the word out to all your regulars to come here on the nights you play. Sound like a plan?”

“Oh, most definitely.”

She looks back up to see his gaze hasn’t wavered a bit. Now the strand of hair he had been toying with was brought to his face, almost like he was trying to cover a shy grin. But those hungry eyes give away the fact that he’s no blushing maiden. He drops his hair and holds out the same hand towards her to shake on their deal.

Eddie’s hands aren’t huge, but they’re solid and warm. The rings and calluses that adorn them feel comforting and familiar to her. She doesn’t want to let go but does out of fear of prolonging physical contact longer than he’s comfortable with. He takes a step back and it almost feels like he’s reluctant to do so.

“Well,” she sighs as she stands and straightens her skirt. “I’ll be here pretty much all day Friday since it’s the grand opening. I have to make sure the kitchen and bar are stocked and that the line cooks have everything they need. So feel free to drop in anytime before six to set up whatever you need.”

“Sure thing, Ms. Y/N.” It almost hurts for her to look directly at his face, especially when he says her name like he was reciting a sonnet. “Pleasure doing business with ya.”

With a silly little salute and a lopsided grin, he turns to the stage rallying his troops to pack everything up and load the van. As they work, she busies herself at the bar double-checking her supply list. She still hasn’t had any luck finding a bartender, so she will be soloing it for a bit. It isn’t something she hasn’t already done before, so she isn’t terribly nervous. However, it would be remiss of her not to acknowledge the fact that since this is her business, there’s added pressure.

She’s so engrossed in her thoughts, that when a voice calls out her name from the doors, she jumps slightly. Before she can turn around fully, there Eddie is, bounding over to the bar like an over-eager chocolate lab. It’s impossible to not smile softly at him.

“Yeah?” she asks, putting aside her list and stepping closer to the counter. He reaches out and grabs one of her hands in both of his. Time stops as she watches him bow his head towards the hand he holds, shaggy brown curls hiding his face. He ghosts his lips along the back of her hand, the touch so gentle that it almost tickles.

“Thank you,” he’s looking at her now and she realizes she has stopped breathing. “Thanks for hiring us on. I promise you won’t regret it.” Then he’s gone just as quickly as he had appeared, flinging the doors wide open into the night air. Whatever song he starts wailing loudly into the parking lot is cut off abruptly as the doors slam shut behind him.

She allows herself a deep exhale that ends in a laugh. Hawkins, Indiana doesn’t know what a gift they’ve been given with Eddie Munson. Growing up here herself, she knows that all the sad, small, dull people that make up the majority of the population never will. Many probably even outwardly scorn him for containing more life than they could ever dream of having for themselves.

And those happen to be her favorite kind of people.

#eddie munson smut #eddie munson x reader #eddie stranger things #eddie munson #jade writes smut #jade's last in line

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nervydamned · 5 years ago

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i don’t usually cry anymore. the medication and the crushing numbness that comes with 31 years of hard living and dead ends has created in me a cold grey stone, typically invulnerable to all but tragic movies and commercials that were obviously designed with surgical precision to ensure that at least a small portion of viewers will immediately log onto the website and purchase, like, boat insurance while crying so hard they can’t do the capcha on the first try. i used to be a dramatic cryer, responding to almost any intense emotion with deep and gusty sobs. then 2016 happened. i lost my father. my spiral into alcoholism intensified my incredible appetite for self destruction. the shame that ensued formed that grey stone like a grit of sand forms in an oyster-- slowly, slowly-- until the day i told my sister that i wasn’t sure i would ever laugh again.

so i sought treatment. fresh from admitting to my husband that i had 1) secretly relapsed and 2) repeatedly been unfaithful with some of the worst people, i put my phone number into a “need rehab?” webform. i received a call about three minutes later. scared out of my mind, i would have agreed to do basically anything to clear the dark menacing cloud of divorce. they said they had a pool! i wanted to go swimming! i wanted to be instantly forgiven for my transgressions, and rehab seemed the best way to me to demonstrate that by god, i was SERIOUS about this recovery thing! he said the only rehab i qualified for was in south bend, indiana. they would buy the ticket. could i leave tomorrow? i guess i could.

i showed up to a building that looked like a 90s middle school with a smoking porch. terrified out of my mind and drunk on the four pints of heineken i’d slammed at chili’s with a sympathetic bartender at 7am across from my boarding gate, and disoriented from the klonopin that i took almost subconsciously at any sign of emotional turmoil, i was a rag doll with button eyes. i entered, stripped, spread, and coughed. i vomited in the toilet while a girl with perfect cat-eye liner did her best to discreetly look away. i was there-- it was happening-- but WHAT was happening? all i knew was that rehab was like a shiny gold star on my behavior chart. if i did it, nobody could say i hadn’t.

rehab is the best place in the world for a vulnerable drunk. i mean it! you’ve never had more shoulders to cry on. i remember hysterically sobbing until my heaving shoulders locked up and the only sound i could make was tiny clicks from my frozen throat. i’ve never had my shoulders patted so authentically. it never occurred to me at the time that this display of raw, scream-it-to-the-heavens emotion was such a part of their daily lives as intake detox counselors that they probably could have done it in their sleep. but somehow they remained authentic.

the funniest part about the rehab was that it turned out to be run and staffed by die-hard scientologists! i guess we can get into that later.

rehab also brought out my “daddy please be proud of me” personality in full force. i joined the “peer counsel” which was essentially just in charge of taking nightly attendance and clapping for sobriety milestones. i befriended everybody, impressing them with my uniquely pretentious affectation of sarcastic intellectualism that only fools people less smart than i am. i was the queen of rehab! life was good! everyone there had forgiven me. the next step was me forgiving myself. the final step was my husband forgiving me. at the time, i still thought that was a completely realistic goal. all i can say to that, ineloquently enough, is: HAHAHAHAHAHA.

my husband came to visit me, once, on the sunday after easter. having practiced healthy communication and effective use of boundaries six hours a day for the last three weeks, i promised him that we could talk about anything he wanted in the two hours he spent with me on the grounds. he got there and shrugged his shoulders over and over again. determined to make his long drive worth the time, i enthusiastically dragged him around to meet all of my rehab friends, proudly introducing him as my husband to anyone who would listen. that day, i believed we had a chance. that night, i found out he spent half the drive home texting my phone, which was locked in a drawer in the rehab office, accusing me of ignoring him in favor of my friends and strongly implying that i was sleeping with at least one of them. this delusion continued for months after and may still fester in his brain. i just wanted him to meet the people who were helping shape my recovery. he could never see the point of that. he didn’t understand that to me, connection is such a fundamental part of who i am that i HAD to make friends there. all he saw was the potential for pain.

i nakedly vied for the approval of everyone around me to the point that my rehab friends petitioned for me to win “patient of the week” at my graduation. when i realized what they had done i was simultaneously flattered to my core and mortified. how obvious it must have been that i set this artificial award ceremony in motion?

my husband was late. he missed the whole thing. in the car ride home, i chain smoked cigarettes and listened to his music. i talked about finding my rehab friend jacob on facebook so that we could attend meetings together since he was the only one who lived close by, and he accused me of having an extramarital relationship with him. his evidence was that “i brought him up all the time!” jacob came out as gay six months after we graduated from the program. we never got a chance to be friends.

my whole family was waiting at my sister’s house to welcome me home; they were babysitting my son while my husband drove to pick me up. they were so proud! again, i felt raw and abashed. just more confirmation that everyone knew--everyone knew--everyone knew everything. my husband had made my infidelity no secret with his family, and of course i had told my mother and my sister.

being the family fuckup is like being naked under a microscope. like living your life in the invasive, creepy bodyscanner at the airport. well-wishes come with a tinge of pity; there is a frantic and all-too-apparent urge to avoid any conversation that might bring up my past transgressions. i’m used to it because i’ve been a drug addict since 2008. but coming back from rehab was the worst. there’s nothing like seeing what the future could be like-- bright, beautiful, beatific. the feeling of stepping out of a confessional booth and feeling the light on your face, reflected through the stained-glass window of the Virgin Mary and her son. but the comedown happens when you realize that the forgiveness you’ve given yourself stops with you. the crushing realization that your husband is either incapable of or unwilling to extend you the trust and forgiveness and freedom from shame that you’ve finally decided to give yourself makes you question everything.

i just don’t understand why he can’t admit that he doesn’t love me anymore. i’m glad i went to rehab. but now i know it wasn’t for him. i could give him anything in the world and i’d still be the adultress, the sly sociopath, the woman that enjoys torturing him with emotion and conflict. our relationship can’t ever work again and he won’t admit it because he’s scared to be alone. honestly, i’m starting to feel sorry for him. i know i could find some normie guy, one with an unkempt beard who makes that face-- you know that face! the nintendo switch face!-- in his twitter avi. he can quote every line from the office and he loves bar trivia, but makes sure to go to the bar and grab me a sparkling water before the beers arrive. he’s a bit boring, maybe not as smart as i am (or pretend to be), but he’s authentic, and he laughs at my jokes, and he always wants to know how my day went. he makes sure to find something thoughtful for christmas, and he sometimes goes out and gets my car detailed on the weekend because he knows how messy i am and how frantic it makes me when i have to face those messes. he has a group of friends who all like the same things he does and they hang out after work most tuesdays, but not when we have something to do at home.

but i know who i am and i know i am not fundamentally healed and i know i’d get bored and break his heart. and my husband would still be alone.

who even knows anymore? the status quo definitely has something going for it. i don’t have to apply for WIC or share a one bedroom apartment with my son or drive for Grubhub on the weekend to make sure i can afford peanut butter because that shit is expensive. we can sit, and sit, and then drift off to sleep and wake up in the same place that we were the day before. maybe i’m adapting to my husband’s sense that it’s better to just endure and stay quiet. i know that pattern because it’s how my family handled every bit of turmoil since i was a child. it’s never worked, but i guess it might someday!

this is my first blog post in 15 years. hopefully it won’t be my last.

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drugrehabinindiana-blog · 5 years ago

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The Most Ideal Addiction Treatment You Can Have

With the problems that come to our lives, we become stressed at some point. Due to these problems that you wish to escape life. In order to let go of the burden that is being felt, there is a tendency that you may go for alcohol or drugs. In case that you begin using any of these substance, it is apparent that there is a certain difficulty associated with the process of stopping it. You will have difficulty of changing no matter how hard you try. Due to the difficulty that you will be meeting that the aid for the process has come into existence. Apparently, you can have the most accurate help that you need for your addiction through the treatment programs that can be provided for you by the Rehab Centers. If you wanted to make your life better, it is ideal for you to seek help from the service provider.

Addiction to either drug or alcohol is indeed an issue both at home and in workplace. Addiction can ruin the relationships that you have with other people. It is best for you to go with the detox programs that are being offered by the service provider once you want to have the renewal of your relationship with your love ones and workmates. Various treatment programs are available for the clients of the service provider so as for them to have the most accurate solution they can have for their clients. To become alcohol or drug free, it is the major concern of the Drug Rehab in Indiana. People who want to continue living without depending on any substance will be aided by them. Through the treatment programs that they have, those who have addiction can definitely recover from it.

There are different detox and treatment programs that are being offered by the service provider to their patients. When it comes to the process of picking for the program that needs to be taken, it shall be based on the substance that you have been addicted to. It will be ideal for you to call the service provider now if you wanted someone to undergo the treatment programs that they offer for their clients. In order to benefit from these programs soon, it will be ideal for you to start today. Indeed, an addicted person has a chance to change. With the help of the treatment that they give to their patients, they can bring back the old version of themselves who are free from drug and alcohol substance. You need to choose for the most ideal service provider that can help you in becoming free from any substance because addiction requires a complex and intricate process. Find out about rehabs now: https://www.dictionary.com/browse/rehab.

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lets420highstreetorg-blog · 6 years ago

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Kratom and its Wonders

Kratom is a component found in trees, specifically in the tropical regions of Southeast Asia. It comes in various form, right from tablets to the powdered version. Fresh or dries leaves of Kratom can be chewed or brewed in tea. Kratom is a rising whiz that debilitates the indications and encourages you rest and recoup. The plant has an abundance of alkaloids that animate your cerebrum and body. They can deliver medicinal morphine-like and pleasurable impacts.

Kratom helps cope up to the addiction of opiates. Opiates can cause withdrawal side effects just hours after the last measurement. The Symptoms are gentle to serious, contingent upon how dependent you are, the medication itself and how it’s utilized makes a difference, as well. This can increase the chance for a relapse. The uplifting news: the best kratom for alcohol withdrawal is easily available in for almost everyone.

Opiate deals with opioid receptors in your cerebrum. Envision these receptors having little gaps in the cells, and when filled, you get the opiate impacts. Your cerebrum science adjusts and changes after some time to this new reality. It moves toward becoming relied upon opiate to fill the gaps. Furthermore, on the off chance that you don’t, you’ll encounter withdrawal indications. Here’s the place Kratom succeeds. Kratom emulates opioids by invigorating mu and delta receptors, the “gaps” that different opiates chip away at. You now have an opportunity to put the receptors to their unique state.

Kratom for Alcohol Withdrawal

Kratom works to counteract on the impulses that generally make you want to drink. Slight doses and striking a balance between factors can gradually help stop the phenomena. Since Red Kratom has high alkaloid content, even lower doses can produce energy and focus, but also calmness, positivity, and pain relief. This combination can really help to counteract that anxiety and physical pain generated by alcohol withdrawal.

While all Kratom strains are technically still Kratom, the compounds in each are a bit different with all providing different levels of pain and anxiety relief. By rotating strains, it allows you to get maximum effects at lower dosages. In other words, it keeps your tolerance down. Speaking of tolerance, nothing can jack your tolerance up more than taking Kratom extracts. Due to the fact, you are squeezing the medicinal benefits out of an unknown amount of Kratom leaves, you technically don’t know how much Kratom you are taking.

Alcohol withdrawal is potentially one of the deadliest forms of withdrawal. The amount you drink daily and how long you've been drinking are the factors that determine how bad withdrawal will be. If you know you get shaky and have to have a drink before you can function, and want to quit, you can detox at a general hospital or addiction speciality hospital. If you're a long time, heavy drinker, you're better off in a hospital. Chances are you may need more complete medical care than a rehab/detox facility can provide. Potential complications include seizures, strokes, heart attack, damage to liver and much more. Kratom can help you with that here. With doses of Kratom and with time, you would be able to overcome the alcohol withdrawal.

How to find Kratom around you?

Buying kratom locally is a bit of a task as you need to check its legal status too. A bit of research helps here. Try to grab some high quality Kratom in case you are on the hunt to buy. Kratom is mostly legal in the USA at the state level, but with a few exceptions:

·Alabama

·Arkansas

·Florida

·Indiana

·Vermont

·Wisconsin

Kratom can generally be purchased from gas stations, some local stores, and headshops predominantly. However, one cannot be sure of the quality of the product that they are purchasing. The best way to buy quality Kratom is to order it online from stores like Coastline Kratom and PurKratom.

Kratom Capsules

Although capsules take a bit longer to kick in, however, Kratom capsules are more convenient to use. The best type of Kratom capsule that one can come across is Maeng da Kratom capsule. It is one of the strongest Kratom capsules available and has strains of red, white and green Kratom. Special production techniques are implemented to produce this strong Kratom and the results can sweep you off your feet.

Kratom capsule dosage should be kept at the minimum level to get the desired effect you need. Start with 6-7 capsules of 500 mg. Add on capsules in each dosage. If you can get hold of pure Kratom, you can feel the effects at a dose of around 10 capsules. These capsules are to be consumed in empty stomach to get the hit you want and the dosage should be:

Beginner dose of 6-7 capsules

A moderate dose of 8-9 capsules

A full dose of 10-15 capsules

A strong dose of 15+ capsules

Kratom for anxiety/depression

Kratom would lift your mood, keep you relaxed and help focus. If you are able to find one for depression, you have the best Kratom. You can try White Borneo or green Malay or Indo for the purpose. One can even try Red Maenga Da. All of these have analgesic effects and would help you be relaxed, chilled out and your body won’t suffer the way it does. The dosage would depend on who you are, the size of your body, your metabolism, your outlook, plus your physical and emotional health. On top of that, the quality of the Kratom will make a difference, and that’s before you even consider the strain of Kratom you are trying.

Benefits of Kratom

Kratom has several benefits right from acting as pain relief, boosting energy levels to helping you with an enhanced mood. They help in stabilizing blood pressure, promoting a sense of well-being, supporting heart health and even are used in diabetes and mood swing treatments all over. They are natural pain relievers too.

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pepperoniwhirlwind · 6 years ago

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🌼~Honesty Hour~🌼 (pt. 2)

I was asked by @lovelynhiddenkittens to do 150 questions in the honesty hour tag quite a while ago, and only did a third of it. But no longer will this be the case! Midterms are mostly over (the two biggest ones are done at least) so I can focus on more fun things, like answering these questions! Here’s my answers to questions 51-100:

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

Yes. I have a lot of internalized shame about my body type (petite and curvy) that whenever I see someone super tall or toned I just want to be them. Even if it’s only for a day. I don’t have these wishes so much anymore though. Alex and I have been dating for 5 months (on the 21st of this month) and he loves my body type. Thanks to him, I’m learning to love myself, and learning that I don’t have to be a model to be loved~ 💕

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

My depression. I feel like it makes me a burden on everyone, and although it’s shaped who I am, has it really changed me for the better? Maybe I’m more understanding and empathetic because of it, but it’s also caused me an inordinate amount of pain, and unnecessary pain for my loved ones.

53. Favorite make-up brand?

I don’t wear make-up often enough for me to even have a clue.

54. Favorite store?

What I’m buying changes which store I prefer. If it’s food, I generally hit up Fry’s. If it’s home decor (Which Alex and I needed quite a bit of in recency, given that we just moved into an apartment together a few months ago) I shop at Target. If I need to buy shampoo, face wipes, deodorant, shaving cream, etc. I typically go to Wal-Mart. Does anyone really have just 1 store that they shop at? I know if I bought non-food items at Fry’s I’d go bankrupt. 😂

55. Favorite blog?

That’s a real tough one. I love all of my Tumblr friend’s blogs. @im-here-cause-im-not-all-there posts a lot of stuff I relate to, same for @theperksofneurodivergency, who always posts great content. Seriously, I could sit here for ages and list off all the people on Tumblr that I follow, but that would be ridiculous. Rest assured that if I follow you, it means I generally like what you post.

56. Favorite color?

I love darker colors on the cooler end of the color spectrum; mainly green, blue & purple. I even like pastel colors occasionally. Though that’s more likely when I’m being influenced by some of my alters who like lighter colors. Like Honey, who loves pastel colors, and all things sweet really. That’s why sunflowers are her favorite flower. She appreciates all the sunny and cheerful things in life. ☀️ In our inner world, she even has a garden that she tends to regularly, and grows (you guessed it) sunflowers, among other things.

57. Favorite food?

Oh look, another tough one. Hmm... It really depends what I’m in the mood for. But my boyfriend recently started taking me to Schlotzsky’s, which has a lot of really good sandwiches. Though, I’m always down for some Arby’s. I’m in a rut there, but I don’t care. Their roast beef classic and curly fries are to die for. 😋

58. Last thing you ate?

Speaking of Arby’s... 😆 I ate there for dinner last night in celebration of passing my proctored exam for my math class. It was worth 75% of my grade, and I wasn’t allowed to have anything (they even confiscated my bottle of water). It took 2 hours and was suuuper stressful. So my BF rewarded me with Arby’s when I passed~ 😄 This is just one of the many reasons why I love him~ 💖

59. First thing you ate this morning?

It’s the morning right now, and I haven’t eaten yet... 😅 Does the two sips of my boyfriend’s coffee count?... No?... Okay. *sighs* I should go eat now actually, so I can take my morning meds. Thanks for reminding me, Tumblr ask!

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

I got first place in a race once... then immediately quit the track team. 😂 Running just wasn’t for me. I’ve won blue ribbons for art (culinary and painting mostly) before at the 4-H Fair, but I don’t think I’ve ever been in a proper competition that I won. I recently participated in a Drag Show at my college, and even signed my performance (I know ASL, and I hoped it would make me stand out a bit against the competition), but I didn’t win. It was actually a really close call between all the participants, and the host/judge couldn’t decide who the audience cheered louder for, so the lady who’d set up this event had to come up and make the decision. I was one of the first people she decided should leave the stage. So, needless to say, I felt a little embarrassed and defeated afterwards.

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

I never even had detention 😂 ; I was a goody two-shoes growing up. I was always the teacher’s pet, so no, I was never suspended or expelled.

62. Been arrested? For what?

⬆️ See the point I made above for your answer. ⬆️ I’d have to cease being a goody two-shoes first before being arrested is even a possibility, so no, my record is squeaky clean... we won’t speak of the songs I’ve illegally downloaded from YouTube though. >-> <-< Don’t tell the po-po about this, or else I’ll be forced to participate in court-ordered rehab for my music addiction. 😂

63. Ever been in love?

Yes~ 💘 I’m in love right now, with the most supportive and understanding man I’ve ever known~ I shouldn’t have to say who at this point, but I will. It’s my BF, Alex~ ❤️

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss.

Well, this was back when I lived in Indiana. I had a core group of friends, that all happened to be on the LGBT+ spectrum, so we were practically dripping in rainbow-y goodness. 🌈 Mich, essentially the leader of the group, is trans. While Levi is gay and Laci (she thought she was a lesbian originally, and identified as such for the time that I knew her; I don’t really have contact with any of them anymore) is bi. That just leaves Sasha, who is also bi, and she was my first kiss. Mich, Sasha, I, and others (Levi and Laci weren’t there though) all decided to play spin-the-bottle. Sasha was the first person I landed on, and I still remember her kiss. It was soft, like a cloud, and tasted like strawberries. 🍓 It was a wonderful first kiss, but I definitely prefer kissing Alex the most~ 😍

65. Are you hungry right now?

Well, considering I just ate a mini donut with my pills... yes, yes I am. 😂 ...Don’t you judge me either! Alex and I bought a bunch of mini donuts for our last D&D gaming sesh at Tyler’s, and there was still a bunch left over, so someone has to eat them, and I didn’t feel like making a proper breakfast. Plus, the one I ate is strawberry flavored, so how could I not eat it? If anyone turns down a strawberry donut, suspect immediately that they are a lizard-person.

66. Do you like your Tumblr friends more than your real friends?

What a savage question. No, I do not. I like all of my friends, equally, whether they’re online or offline. I only care if my friends are good people or not; and if they care and respect me as much as I do them. Whether they live nearby or not is of little importance to me. I base my friendships off of their character, their morals; not their place of residence.

67. Facebook or Twitter?

Well, I don’t have a Twitter, and only really check my Facebook once in a blue moon. So... neither?... What, is that not an option? Fine... I choose Facebook... I guess.

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Tumblr.

69. Are you watching TV right now?

No, I’m currently typing this... I am listening to music though, of course. 😆

70. Names of your best friends?

Well, Tyler’s the only friend I have IRL that knows me, like, truly knows me. By that, I means she knows about my DID, among other diagnoses, as we’ve talked at length about both of our diagnoses before. Since she has Bipolar disorder, she gets what it’s like to have a “scary” mental illness; the ones that get characterized by media to always be violent and unhinged. She didn’t judge me or fear me, she only asked questions and tried to learn as much about my system as she could, which tells us that she truly cares and understands. I’ve told other people before, but they’re either no longer a part of my life, or were creeped out by my DID, and are choosing to forget that I ever told them in the first place. My Tumblr friends also know about my DID, given that I post about it and mention it in my blog bio, but there’s a certain level of anonymity on the internet that allows for me to be more open about it. Telling someone IRL? Now that’s terrifying. It takes a lot of trust, and given that I have had some bad reactions in the past, it makes it even more daunting.

71. Craving something? What?

Honestly? A vacuum. And a mop, while I’m at it. I’ve been cleaning for most of the morning, and those are the only cleaning supplies that I need and don’t have. I keep trying to talk Alex into buying them, but he’s not as bothered by dirty floors as I am. He even walks around barefoot on these filthy floors! IDK how! Even if I’m wearing socks it bothers me. I don’t like stepping on anything, and the only way I don’t feel what’s on the ground is if I’m wearing shoes. So... I basically never take off my shoes except for when I’m in bed. 😂

72. What color are your towels?

What a weird question. 😆 Before I moved in with Alex, I lived with my parents, and we didn’t have a standard color of towel. We had an assortment of colors from multiple old sets of towels, a lot of them raggedy, some of them bleached, most of them ancient. Then when I started living with Alex, we still have some towels of differing colors, but most of them are blue and soft~ ✨ The sheets and pillow cases are blue too, though a lighter shade.

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

Not anymore. I used to when I was younger though. When I was a kid my stuffed animals felt like my children. I would rotate which ones got to sleep with me each night, hug and kiss them all goodnight then tuck them in. If one of them fell out of my arms in the middle of the night, it would wake me up immediately. Not even a slow, groggy wake-up. It was like my motherly instinct was an alarm clock, so I would wake up instantly and be wide awake, frantically searching for the stuffed animal that fell out of my arms. I would then pick them up, dust them off and apologize, then snuggle them and drift off back to sleep. When I was a teenager, I mostly cuddled them when I was lonely and needed some companionship to fall asleep. Now that I snuggle and sleep with my boyfriend each night, I no longer sleep with my stuffed animals, but I still love them and keep them as decoration for my bed at my parent’s house, since I never really sleep there anymore. I nap there occasionally, but that’s about it.

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

Uhhh... I’ve never actually counted, but at least a tub full.

75. Favorite animal?

Elephants and foxes, equally~ 💖

76. What color is your underwear?

I’m wearing black panties at the moment. It’s satiny with lace, so it’s cute and comfy; the best of both worlds. 😉

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

Definitely chocolate, 🍫 provided it’s not too rich.

78. Favorite ice cream flavor?

I’m obsessed with matcha green tea ice cream right now, OMG, it’s sooo good~ 😋 Same goes for the matcha green tea frappuccino at Starbucks. It’s the only drink there that I actually get. I’ve tried other beverages they have, and generally don’t like them, but the matcha green tea frap is too delicious for it’s own good.

79. What color shirt are you wearing?

I’m actually wearing a really comfy dress right now, that I slept in as a nightgown last night. 😆 It’s gray and has a lace band on each sleeve.

80. What color pants?

⬆️ Once again, reference my previous entry. ⬆️ I am pantless, given that I’m sporting a dress at the moment.

81. Favorite TV show?

Oh geez... another hard one. Let’s see... I’ll just put the name of the show I’m watching the most right now. That would have to be “Crazy Ex Girlfriend” on Netflix. Before that I watched the newest seasons of “BoJack Horseman” as well as “Orange Is the New Black”, but I’ve already finished those.

82. Favorite movie?

Honestly, I’ve been really obsessed with “The Hunchback of Notre Dame” recently. When I re-watched it as an adult, I noticed how much more serious that movie is compared to Disney’s other films. They cover some pretty dark subject matter, and do it well... *sighs* if only they’d nixed the addition of the gargoyles. They ruin every emotional or tense scene that they’re placed in, and make the lighter scenes just plain cringey. I know they wanted to make it suitable for kids, but I think Disney underestimates what kids can handle, especially considering they reference the darker scenes subtly enough so as to keep the movie’s G rating intact. Like what about the goat, Djali, that belongs to Esmeralda? The goat could have been the comic relief, but instead they brought in the talking gargoyles. They couldn’t even do something cool with the gargoyles, like make them a part of Quasi’s imagination. He’s been alone in a bell tower for his entire life, so it would make sense that he would begin talking to the statues and giving them personalities... but no... it’s shown at the end that the gargoyles can interact with and impact the real world, making them a part of it as well.

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

Well, considering I’ve only ever seen the first one, and didn’t even know there was a second one, I’m gonna have to go with “Mean Girls”.

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

I’ve never seen “21 Jump Street”, so once again, “Mean Girls” takes the cake.

85. Favorite character from Mean Girls?

Oh, that’s hard, especially when they’re all such fun characters. Janis is pretty cool, so she’s up there, but Karen is probably my favorite. She’s such a simple, naive soul, you can’t help but love her.

86. Favorite character from Finding Nemo?

Dory, hands down. But I wanna give a special shout-out to Bubbles, the character from the fish tank that, (you guessed it) is obsessed with bubbles. 😆 He cracks me up every time.

87. First person you talked to today?

Alex. Considering we both wake up in the same bed, it would be nearly impossible for him not to be the one I talk to first thing in the morning.

88. Last person you talked to today?

Once again, Alex, given that it’s still early in the day and I haven’t seen anybody else yet.

89. Name a person you hate?

All of my abusers. Every. Single. One. They made me feel small, worthless, and unloved. So I hope each one of them feels that way for the rest of their miserable existences.

90. Name a person you love?

My boyfriend, Alex~ He’s my world, my hopes and dreams, and everything I aspire to be~ 💖

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

No. I want to punch all of my abusers in the balls. With a baseball bat. Repeatedly, until they’re infertile.

92. In a fight with someone?

No.

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

Only one. I want to buy more, but that requires that I have money, which I don’t.

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

I have my Nirvana sweatshirt, my “Nightmare Before Christmas” sweatshirt, and two hoodies with my college logo on them. One’s gray and the other is red.

95. Last movie you watched?

“The Hunchback of Notre Dame”.

96. Favorite actress?

I have no idea. So I’m gonna go find a list of the top 100 actresses and go from there. *some time passes* So, I found an actress I actually know, and that’s Krysten Ritter, who played Jessica Jones on Netflix’s hit series named (you guessed it again! Wow, you’re really good at this.) “Jessica Jones”.

97. Favorite actor?

That’s a tie between Robin Williams (I really miss him... He was such a vibrant and energetic actor, who also knew how to portray more serious, and heart-felt scenes. He was a skilled actor and a good man. May he rest in peace.) and Tom Hanks. I like quite a few films starring those actors.

98. Do you tan a lot?

Never.

99. Have any pets?

No... 😭 RIP Batman and Robin (my previous pet hermit crabs).

100. How are you feeling?

Productive! I practically cleaned the whole apartment in like 2 hours this morning, and just finished another third of this ask! I’m on a roll, and intend to do homework in a minute. For now though, I’d like to thank everyone who read through to the end, as well as thank @lovelynhiddenkittens for sending the ask in the first place! Sorry it’s taking so much time to finish it, but I’m over halfway done now! Whoo~! 🎉 *sets off a confetti popper and basks in the confetti shower* Anyways, take care everyone! I hope you all have a fantastic rest of your day (or night, wherever you are, just have a wonderful time!) See ya ‘round the bend~! 👋

*grabs a broom and begins sweeping up the confetti, muttering to myself* Why do I do this? Every time, I know I’m gonna have to clean it, but I do it anyway...

#honesty hour #asks #tony

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