#Been like a week and I only have like 40 issues left but haven't posted about it like at all

[r0bee]

She switched up so fast but I respect her for it.

[theradicalscrivener]

Life is suffering.

I'm struggling to hold it together long enough to finish the semester but it's going Not Well. The good gnus is I have finished a few short stories. The bad gnus is ... Everything else. I'll need to figure out when to post some of the stuff from the past few months because I'm never sure if I should be aiming for "peak hours" or just post it whenever is convenient. Unfortunately, I've been to exhausted to do anything other than work and such for a while now. I'm hoping that in a few weeks when I finish my finals I'll be able to unwind a bit and get some housekeeping stuff done. I also need to figure out what stories I've actually posted here and what I still have left to share. I know I did some CDE recently as well as the first stage of a slow(ish) macro growth story which I don't think has been posted here. I feel like I've also done some one shot stuff.

I'll try to give a brief recap of the past few months because I know people have been asking but also I know that most people don't want to have to scroll past a massive block of text so I'll keep it snappy.

I'm in an upper division accounting class. The final class I need to finish my bachelor's in accounting degree. The professor has structured the entire class around being a group oriented endeavor. All assignments (sans exams) are group projects. You'd think being an upper division course, everyone would be knowledgeable in the field and have at least the bare minimum moral fortitude and work ethic but you'd be wrong. My group has refused to do any work and since I dont want to fail because of other people I've been doing the work of 5 people by myself which is a huge part of why I'm so worn out.

I've spoken with the proff about it and at first she seemed to be on my side. Literally the whole class knows I'm the only one in my group doing work. During all the presentations I'm the only one who speaks and when the other members are forced to speak/answer questions they have no idea what to say. Like I've literally written briefs for them so they'd at least have something to say and they refuse to even read that.

A few weeks ago the proff pulled me aside after class and said that she'd grade my work separately from the rest of my group and that I should do the final assignment (which is like 40% of the class grade) solo and leave the rest of the group to handle themselves. I did the entire assignment by myself and emailed it to her rather than submitting it through the group portal. She responds to my email and said she has no idea why I would email her directly and told me i was supposed to use the group portal. She has no memory of us every talkin about the group issues so now the rest of the group are getting my grade on the final project even tho they didn't do anything. I haven't even heard from them in weeks. To make matters worse the proff never changed my grades and so I have the grades for the rest of the group (which are very low because we are graded on the participation of the whole group and since most of the group never participates in the presentation, and when they do they don't know anything about the subject I'm getting graded down for them not doing their job.)

I have a few more weeks and a few more assignments left of this shit. I just need to survive til mid may. Hopefully I don't crash and burn completely.

In other gnus. Things at work have been insane. I've been doing triple duty there as well. I work two jobs. One is a salary job which is tough to really say how much I actually do there ( but even then my salary is only 800 a month so it's not meant to be a full time job). On top of that I have my hourly work. I've been putting in over 100 hours at the hourly work pretty consistently lately.

On top of all that ny grandmother passed away at the start of the month. I ended up on an impromptu road trip to go to the funeral and deal with family stuff all while keeping up with work and school. I'm back home now but I'm extra exhausted and also down bad with the Rona. I'm tired and sore and sick and cranky as all get out.

But hopefully... I just need a few more weeks.

[bringmoresorrows]

Life Update

It's been a long time since I posted a life update. Lots of new things has happened in my life especially since i haven't updated in a year. Last year, I got myself into a situationship with this guy I became really close to really quickly and broke up with my ex of 4 years. We were dating from 2018-2022. Wow. A lot of things happened between my ex and I thankfully nothing traumatizing between us but we were falling out of love a year before the break up. As it got closer and closer to the end, I felt nothing to my ex. I was sick of how my ex constantly made me feel guilty for being myself. Plus my ex was transphobic and homophobic. Theres reasons for it as she came out as trans after we broke up. She never wanted to go out on dates with me, we stayed in the house and she didn't want to get to know my friend until like the week before we broke up. We had an apartment for a week and a half last April because the landlord said it was okay that we had the ferret then last minute they pulled back saying "nah get rid of the ferret" so we left. But it took a lot of me arguing with her for her to stand up to the landlord as my name wasn't on the lease, her name was. After that, anything i felt towards her was gone. I moved in with my parents in July and that was when my situationship with my friend started.

My heart was broken around September/October and I quickly moved onto someone new. But in between, I had no place to live aside form my parents couch and all my stuff was in storage. I even lost my ferret. My ex kept her. I got promoted to manager at my workplace and got a 2% pay increase which landed me at $20/hr where I was working 34-36 hrs a week and towards the holiday season after working 40-42 hrs a week. So I was bringing home a lot of money and had zero bills. I started building up my savings and come October, I moved in with two of my friends.

October was an interesting month last year, we had no furniture and we couldn't afford anything as we just dumped our savings into this place. It's a three bedroom apartment with 1.5 bathrooms. We have an in house washer and dryer and a dishwasher. It was awesome! We have so much space. The friend group kept making plans at my place and a few things led to another and that situationship friend and I broke things off. Mid october, I started talking to this guy over instagram. And we started hitting it off a lot. Turns out, my guy roommate and him are *best friends* so for our halloween party, he came on over! He lives a few boroughs away so its a 3 hour travel to his place and a 3 hour travel to mine. So 6 hrs total. So he came over the 30th and left November 1st. I got so drunk on the 31st and stuff happened between us before we were dating which is kinda another first for me as we just met in person for the first time. But the first time I did stuff with someone I wasn't dating was the situationship.

Come november, we start dating. Our relationship has been a bit rocky as we jumped into a new relationship and I was very much still hurt over the situationship and didn't want to admit it til a few months back. Plus living on my own has only amped up my mental health issues. I started my ed habits back up hard and lost 20 lbs in 2 months. I gained half of that back but its been hard.

January comes around and my ex tells me she cant house our ferret anymore so I was given the ferret <3. Bless.

February comes and my ferret gets very sick, throwing up for three days straight so we take her to the emergency vet and it helped her out a bunch <3

March comes and my mental health takes a worse turn.

April I have zero memories, In may my birthday happens. It was awesome! The friend group and I plus my bf + my sister go mini golfing! June nothing isolated. July: my internet friend from norway comes to visit and wow did it hit the roof. One thing led to another and they guilt trip me hard and gaslight me into thinking *i'm the crazy one* and I wind up having a severe mental break down where I attempted suicide. I also left the friend group. A day later my boyfriend calls me and gives me an ultimatum and tells me really harsh things to me which led me to crying for days and crying through a whole work shift (8 hours)

August comes and my depression is so severe, I wind up reaching out to a therapist and my pcp to start medication. Ella, my ferret, also has some more health issues showing up. Her tail has been losing fur for some time and her ears are getting backed up with ear wax. She wound up getting diagnosed with Adrenal Gland Disease. ;-;.

September; this month; comes around and therapy has been working and so has the meds. My relationship with my partner is getting a lot better and Ella is doing good too. She got her implant for Adrenal Disease this month. I've just been really tired ngl. Like very tired. But my house is getting decorated for halloween and its great!

Things are going really well for me and the people I used to miss I dont miss anymore. They didn't want me in their life then so be it. That's their problems. There was someone I named dropped a long time ago but I dont miss you anymore. You left my life and made it clear you never gave a fuck about me and only yourself. Goodbye to you. And to the other friends that bridges were burned, fuck it. I let go of it. I need to focus on myself and grow.

Next year around this time I will be moving in with my boyfriend and away from this borough where everyone knows each other. It will be rough to be in a more city based area. Its still a bit suburban but its very much on top of each other. I'm excited for it. I'm excited for the future that I'm going to have. I'm excited for the future with out the things that are holding me back.

[aonoexpat]

Long time no blog

01-04-2023

I've been putting off writing another post for a long time now, I just hadn't found the time to take a moment and sit down for this. Things have been quite hectic, and it feels like months have passed since I wrote anything! I'm in this strange mixed state of thriving in some areas and just surviving in others. But finally the chaos seems to be settling down a bit. I'll give y'all an overview of what's been happening:

Work 💼

Out of those three jobs I mentioned I found, two of them could only offer me a casual contract, and the other one ended up hiring somebody else last minute. Bit disappointing, and quite stressful, because living expenses can be pretty high and I wouldn't feel very comfortable traveling around without saving some money first. I did consider trying my luck in different cities, but my flatmate got me in touch with another bar in the city, and yesterday I finally signed a part-time contract with them! I'll be starting next Tuesday. Combining that with the two casual jobs and busking (and perhaps other bars getting back to me) I'm hoping to finally start breaking even, or even better, be able to start saving 🤞 Oh and old bar news: that manager got fired! He'd been spreading more lies and gossip about me to my other colleagues, but we got to have a good laugh about it 😂 I'm so glad I was able to leave on good terms with them, because they were truly a lovely bunch of people!

Living Situation 🏡

Though living with my wonderful friends and third flatmate has been a blessing, I feel like I could save some money and effort by moving closer to the city. It currently takes me about 40 minutes by bus to get to the centre, or more than that to get to the markets I busk at. Those buses also stop running around 23:00, and frequently get cancelled due to staff shortage, so getting home after a hospitality shift or a night out can be a challenge. Besides that, getting my own place would help me feel a bit more independent. So I used the website roomies to search for a new flat, but that wasn't too successful. Apparently a lot is arranged through Facebook over here, and I don't have an account there. Luckily my dear mother allowed me to use hers, and I joined five flatmate searching pages. It was a bit of a culture shock to look for a room here. You don't look for three weeks from now, no, because all ads are from people looking for a new flatmate for three days from now. Europe's housing crises haven't reached this side of the world, so I could say goodbye to kijkavonden (Dutch room-searching ritual where several people are invited to the same flat at the same time and have to vy for the attention and good graces from the other tenants) and have a much more chill time with the whole process. Mind you, I was still quite picky myself, so I ended up messaging a total of 29 people, and going to 8 viewings. I sent out my first message on the 21st of March, and yesterday I started the process of becoming the new tenant of my new room! The room I got was my first choice, and though it's the cheapest room I've seen out there, it's clean, it's spacious, it's not at the top of one of Wellington's many hills (see how integrated I am, I've stopped calling them mountains!), it's a good distance from everything, it's not on a busy street and best of all: it doesn't have a mould problem like so many houses out here. Apparently that's a huge issue, as I've definitely witnessed in other houses, due to most buildings being made out of wood to make them more earthquake-resistant, humid weather and cold Antarctic (Southerly) winds. I'll be moving next week, and I'm very excited about it 😁

Music 🎶

The biggest reason why I decided to struggle through my lack of work and stay in Wellington was its never-ending music and art scene. I feel like I'm meeting incredible people left and right every day 💜 Here's a quick summary, please go check out their linked pages!

I've been getting together with another busker to jam and harmonise, which we're hoping to debut in public some time soon! He's one of the most humble but extremely talented people I've ever met, and I feel like we're quickly becoming good friends :)

I've been invited to sing in a band and apply my harmonising skills with them as well, which has been great fun. Joined in at one of their band practices, got to chill with their cat, and learned to sing their original songs! The leading lady said she'd love to write music for me and make me famous 🤩 Would be really cool to play a gig with them!

I met another musician on the bus who invited me to an open mic night, where I was blown away by the level of talent! One of the artists that played there invited me to a gig of theirs a couple weeks from now, and I'm going to try my very best to go. I exchanged a lot of compliments with the other singers, all in all felt like a great night!

I got to busk at "Wellington's most creative and diverse free arts festival", Cubadupa. It went wonderfully, I wore my favourite weird little outfit, got to sing songs from Frozen for the little kids that were wandering around, did some contact juggling, and got gifted a gorgeous pair of handmade earrings by Ear Vibes ❤️

I got approached by a very kind woman who ushered me into Newtown Acoustic Sound, a judgement-free, open-minded and welcoming little open mic night that has been running for 7.5 years now. I was lucky to be there and listen to the country sounds of Alan Downes, who was kind enough to invite me to his home in Napier should I pass through!

In general, every time I go busking I feel like I'm doing what I was meant to do. I made a little sign that says "Give me a smile! ... or change :)" and it's the best thing. Watching people read it, look up at me, and flash me a smile makes my day every single time. Kids are the absolute best, there was a young boy the other day who made his parents wait around for me to finish setting up the amp and start playing, and stayed to listen for four songs. Another time a tiny thing of a girl came galloping up to me with a 5$ note in her hand and just held it out to me, so I had to stop playing to accept it, and thanked her a bunch. Sometimes people donate something else, like an avocado or a pear that they just bought from one of the fruit and veggie stalls at the markets. The interactions with the people around me are very special to me, from one of the stall holders joining me for a couple songs to people telling me they thought it was the radio playing. From getting recommendations for new songs to learn, to meeting an elderly Dutch gentleman who was overjoyed to find somebody he could speak his own language with. From getting offered rides and free bread, to a woman telling me that day was her birthday and my music was like a gift to her. It's incredibly fulfilling, and I made sure my market days stay free with my new job, because I don't want to ever stop!

I did manage to get a second busking-induced sunstroke (go me), so I got acquainted with one of these fellows, and it's pretty good stuff if you ever find yourself dehydrated!

Miscellaneous cool stuff

Another fun update: I SAW MY FIRST KIWI! I took a night tour at Zealandia and their wonderful guides led us through the park, showing off the Takahē, the glow worms, the Tuatara, and their pride and joy: the nocturnal Kiwi Pukupuku, or Little Spotted Kiwi. We were lucky to see one, because they can be quite shy! The young male that we saw was calmly browsing the undergrowth for insects to feed on. I wasn't able to shoot a photo or video of him unfortunately, but the image is etched in my memory as a cool little milestone of my Aotearoa adventure :)

I also had a great night out all the way in Upper Hutt, at the Audiology & UKF festival, Wellington edition! Besides being overjoyed to see my all-time favourite drum & bass DJ, Fox Stevenson, I was blown away by a local duo called Jaymac B2B Vujanix. All in all a great night, the organisers were very chill and the crowd was wonderful ❤️

Some more cool nature shots:

Also, I'm finally getting better at understanding the kiwi accent. The thing that messes me up the most is how they pronounce e-like sounds like i-like sounds. So the name 'Ella' is said more like 'Illa'. This caused a really confused look to take over my face when somebody told me the weather was so nice, she "couldn't wait to go home and sit on her deck." 🙃 However: the other day somebody said "I'm gonna get a beer," and my mind automatically parsed it as "I'm gonna get a bear," which was a similarly disorienting experience. But it means my brain is overcompensating, and will likely soon arrive at that sweet middle ground where I won't have to go around asking people to repeat themselves anymore.

Last but not least, a couple days ago I had the honour of witnessing a Māori Karakia and Haka in real life. We've all seen the videos, surely, but being there in the flesh was a whole different experience. Goosebumps galore, and a whole bunch of reverence for their passion and their voices. I hope to learn a lot more about Māori culture and the process of decolonisation on these islands. I've gotten the feeling that descendants of white European colonisers like to paint a more positive picture of their cohabitation with the Māori culture than it realistically is, which is quite depressing. Once I've found my footing a bit more I hope to be able to dive into this a lot more deeply. If anybody has sources or references for me, I'm all ears!

[joboozle]

If the Shoe Fits.

I am tired. I am that kind of tired you feel in your bones, in the pit of your chest. I am tired of pretending like I am okay, that I dont cry myself to sleep every day or night. I am tired of pretending that most of my friends didn't abandoned me when I had post partum, that the rest of them didn't abandon me after, too. I'm tired of acting like I'm not lonely, faking a smile for everyone around me that I can. That regular customers I see once a week are the only ones who have noticed anything was wrong. I'm tired of people who only want someone to vent to but when I need someone, suddenly disappear. Fucking exhausted by everyone who cuts me off when I'm talking, drained by their problems. Annoyed by those who only think me me me while everyone else around them suffers quietly. I'm fucking irritated that I spend 40 hours a week taking care of drunk assholes then coming home to clean, do laundry, do a lot of things just to get no sleep and be treated like I don't do anything. I am absolutely exasperated by those who don't understand how hard this is, that I can't just take on a new job that isn't as lenient as the one I have. I need a job that will understand when I can't come or that I'll be late because I've been in the ER all afternoon because my spouse has health issues. I'm tired of pretending like I don't know certain people won't come over because I don't live somewhere nice. I'm over acting like I haven't noticed those who ditched me in the middle of a crisis, those who haven't checked in, those who just send back one word replies. I need someone to talk to, someone to care. If one more person tells me, "You're so strong," I'm going to lose the last of my god damn sanity. I don't want to be anyones charity case, I know everyone thinks, "Oh she's been through so much." I'm done with the pity. I'm done being the walking door mat for everyone else. I listen to everyone elses problems, help out those that I can. I tried, fuck did I try, to be likeable. But I will never fit it anywhere, no matter the face I put on. There's so much I don't tell anyone anymore because i know they don't care unless there's something in it for them. I don't get hey how are you? hey how was your day? i appreciate you, i love you. It's all so fucking hollow, How am I? I'm fucking terrible, every day I wake up thinking I WISH I DIDN'T I'm tired of hearing all the things I did wrong, how much of a bitch I am, closed off I am. How do you think I got this way? Oh, I know I"m not completely innocent. But it's funny what happens when you stop being the one to check in, to start the conversations. They either don't talk to you, or don't even recognize it and continue asking for things, asking you to pick up their slack, dumping their bullshit on you. I see people for what they are but I still try to find the good in them. But it doesn't matter. Because if you stand up for yourself, then oh my god, you're just so terrible. I'm over it all and I'm over everyone. Use use use, take take take. And unfortunately, there's nothing left of me anymore. So I'll sit here, crying, letting the loneliness carve through me, and keep trying to pretend that nothing is wrong, because that's all anyone wants. Whatever I can give them, whatever I can do for them, because no one actually cares about anyone else but themselves.

(And trust me, I realize the irony of that while I complain about how no one gives a fuck about me.)

So when I die, don't have a funeral. Don't have a memorial. Don't even think of me.

[agentkikirogers]

work issues// long ass post

I recently found out that I haven't been putting credit/debit codes in the finance app at work for like 6 months now.

So if i get $50 dollars that a customer paid with card, it says in the system that i have 50 DOLLARS in my drawer. So, when I end up making a deposit, I don't have that 50.

When I found out my boss and supervisor say that is not it because they "checked" but how if I never put it in the app. I asked what the think happened and they either 1. imply i stole the money or 2 my sister did (she's not stupid) or that i passed out the wrong change numerous times. I'm not going to pass out 20 or 40 dollars back instead of 7. Then one day I asked my boss again and he said Internal Affairs will be involved if I dont pay. This was around October/November.

So, I went on Reddit asking for advice. They said don't pay. That my boss was trying to scare me and there was no such thing for internal affairs for our place employment. I called five different people from Union and they couldn't help because I'm not in the union I guess? Idk how so they couldnt help.

So yesterday the supervisor shows up to count. I told her that I was supposed to have a signed paper stating that I owed 100.60 . Which she didn't and only sent an email that wasn't even a official count, nor was it report in the first place. So she got huffy and called the boss. Then got off the phone and said that the informed request was if she counted the drawer. So I'm like fine count it.I go to the other chair across the room and eat my breakfast watching her occasionally. She finishes it.

Offers for me to count, I'm dumb so I told her I believed her. So she goes on the computer again. ( after talking about using fake money orders (we have to put them in areas for customers to see or take and then report them to the cops. )

She tells me i owe 65(wait i thought it was 100) and that if i reject the payment tom sign a informed consent form. She also said if I wanted to pay that I can pay and we can forget this ever happened. Okay is it just me or is that really suspicious?

So my dumbass paid because I was scared and didnt know what to do and she gave me my change back and then left. So anyway during this she said, "okay we can act like this never happened."UM red flag much? then later she left. Sigh. I'm just... DONE.

BUT once of the nicest employees from a different office gave me a contact number of someone a day before my supervisor came and she called me today on Thursday which it was too late but anyway. She told me it was red flags and I shouldnt have to pay.

So I got everything possible to put together and scanned into pdfs. I get off work at 3 and was on the phone trying to call someone from accounting help desk again. I wanted to see if they could print off all the reports of my drawer counts that were used to determine my supposed drawer shortage.

The first one after 55 minutes said I couldn’t access them so she couldn’t tell me them and ended up hanging up on me. Then wrote a report saying I wanted the previous worker’s drawer count reports. Which is NOT what I asked for. So I tried to call accounting again after 6 times I finally got someone and they said that there were only 2 reports on in 2022 and one that was this week (2/23/23).

After all of that, only having two official reports it seemed like a let down to help the questions I have about this issue.Also is it normal policy to put the total of the customer’s purchase in a separate envelope instead of the cash drawer? Seems weird.

[reallybadfeeling]

My Obikin Playlist Masterpost Part 2

Not that anybody was really waiting for this, but here is the second part of the playlist with an explanation for each song. If you are interested in reading my rant on the first 20 songs, you can check the post I made last week HERE.

Without further ado, I'll leave you to my rant for songs 21 to 40.

☙ ✤ ❧ ☙ ✤ ❧ ☙ ✤ ❧ ☙ ✤ ❧ ☙ ✤ ❧ ☙ ✤ ❧

❧ One in a Million - Midnight to Monaco

Tears fall like acid rain and it burns me through the skin It's taken everything from me, I've lost my innocence The bats brings the night today, watch them turn the sky to black Like a gun that fires that sound again Frightens me until the bitter end I can't keep holding on And I hide away I need it to keep me from breaking down And I'm under Baby I can't carry on, dead and I've been buried on Baby, I was one in a million Even if our love was strong, take me down and let it fall Baby, I was one in a million And I was holding, burning, waking, turning Tasting blood and losing time I want to get a hold of myself Baby, I was one in a million [...] And I need it to keep me from thinking I won't find my wings no more

This entire song is about how someone's life gets absolutely destroyed by drug abuse. Or at least, that's how I always interpreted this. But drug abuse always makes me think about any kind of obsessions doing exactly the same thing. So I love this song for Anakin in particular. That "I was one in a million" giving me this "Chosen One" vibe. Like he got lost on the way to what he was supposed to be, and now that he's fallen he has no clue how to get back to what he was supposed to be, that one in a million.

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ Losing My Religion - R.E.M.

The lengths that I will go to The distance in your eyes Oh no, I've said too much I set it up That's me in the corner That's me in the spotlight Losing my religion Trying to keep up with you And I don't know if I can do it Oh no, I've said too much I haven't said enough [...] Every whisper, of every waking hour I'm choosing my confessions Trying to keep an eye on you Like a hurt, lost and blinded fool, fool [...] Consider this the hint of the century Consider this the slip That brought me to my knees, failed

Another classic song that is in basically any ships' playlist. And it fits so much with unrequited love (or pining in general). How can I not think of Obi-Wan trying desperately to be a good Jedi while he's well aware of his feelings for Anakin?

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ Hurt Me - Lapsley

Can't look at you the same way, anticipatin' heartbreak And I know, and I know, and I know I'm puttin' on a brave face to meet you in the same place And I know, and I know, and I know Gotta let my mind find another space 'Cause I heard these scars never go away And now I'm runnin' out of ways to numb the pain So if you're gonna hurt Why don't you hurt me a little bit more? Just dig a little deeper Push a little harder than before [...] Like breathing underwater, what's the law and order? I don't know, I don't know, I don't know You're sitting in a corner, hiding til it's over And it shows, and it shows, and it shows Buildin' up my walls just to tear them down Tell me that it's love, force me to drown Buildin' up my walls just to tear them down Tell me that it's love And I thought you said you still loved me [...] And I'm counting down the seconds that we have I can see the end in sight, at last So if you're gonna hurt me Why don't you hurt me a little bit more?

This entire song makes me think of one of those situations where both of them are pining and convinced that the other is about to tell them something that would end up breaking their heart. Basically first half is Obi-Wan knowing from the start that they won't work, maybe because he thinks Anakin is in love with Padmé and that's what Anakin wants to talk about; second half is Anakin, sure that Obi-Wan would deny having feelings for him because of how much he loves being a Jedi so he tries to be a better Jedi for the sake of Obi-Wan. Because I love the trope of both of them being too oblivious to realize they are in love.

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ The Shelter of My Love - Astropol

When you have nothing to lose No one dear and no one to care for Non one sees you but I do I'll take you in I won't let you go Oh the middle of the night Black as tar and eager to hold you Just as pretty as my love Just as hungry Just as eternal [...] When you have no bridge to burn No place to go, no place to return to No one loves you like I do I love you [...] When you have nothing to lose And nightfall comes, eager to hold you No one loves you like I do I love you I love you, I love you Oh shelter of my faith All the peril, all the weight Mighty glorious The shelter of my faith Oh shelter of my trust All the longing, all the lust God will help you if you lost the shelter of my trust

I'm perfectly aware that this is a song about faith. It's basically like a call to pray because even when you are lost the one person that will always be there for you is God. BUT, this actually works pretty well for the Jedi Order too. And if we think of how Anakin joined the Jedi, how he felt like the only thing he would lose is his mother, it kinda makes sense with these lyrics. And even Obi-Wan: he was given to the Jedi when he was so young that that's the only life he knows. At the same time, it can be about Anakin and Obi-Wan finding that solace in each other too, because sure, the entire Order is there to support them. But it's almost like it's their last option to them, because when in need the first person they go to is the other.

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ The Night We Met - Lord Huron

I am not the only traveler Who has not repaid his debt I've been searching for a trail to follow again Take me back to the night we met And then I can tell myself What the hell I'm supposed to do And then I can tell myself Not to ride along with you I had all and then most of you Some and now none of you Take me back to the night we met I don't know what I'm supposed to do Haunted by the ghost of you Oh, take me back to the night we met When the night was full of terrors And your eyes were filled with tears When you had not touched me yet Oh, take me back to the night we met

You should know me by now. If a song that is basically perfect for Obi-Wan post RotS, I'm gonna find it. And this one is just PERFECT! Like, Obi-Wan absolutely feels like he owes something to the universe because he is the one who failed Anakin, who allowed him to fall. So I imagine him wanting a do-over, a chance to stay away from Anakin so that Anakin can be better and his own heart can't be broken in such a terrible way. Basically, this is also perfect for a time traveler Obi-Wan trying to fix things from day 1.

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ Danger - JKAY feat Shola Ama

I'm a million reasons in And I'm going out on a limb But I can't, no I can't deny Cause I, I fell in love with danger And I think I found a stranger in you The boy that I knew, left me torn into two And I don't know what to do

Nothing fancy about this one, just Obi-Wan realizing there is a wild side to the cute, totally unable to flirt young teenager he took care of for so long. Basically something to write smut on. You all know you need these kind of songs too. (And I picked the acoustic version because it gives me more soft love-making vibes, but the original one is perfect for a more passionate kind of mood).

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❧ Amandoti - Giovanni Lindo Ferretti

Loving you makes me weary, guts my insides (It’s) Something that feels like laughing in tears Loving you makes me weary, it makes me sorrowful What can you do (about it), that’s life That’s life, my (life) [...] Loving you comforts my sleepless nights It’s something that replaces old dead flames Loving you comforts me, it gives me joy What can you do (about it), that’s life But (that) life is my life Love me once more, do it softly One year, one month, one hour (Do it) Hopelessly Love me once more, do it softly Just for an hour But let it be forever

I was forced to put the live version from the original composer in the playlist, but a couple of weeks ago I posted a link to Maneskin's cover of this song (which, isn't on Spotify). You can check it out HERE, with a full translation of the lyrics (yes, Italian songs will always be a thing for this playlist, get over it). Like I said in the tags of that post, this is just another one of those songs that give me post RotS Obi-Wan feels. Just him all alone and heartbroken wishing he could feel Anakin's love just once more. Simply perfection.

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❧ Lemon Eyes - Meg Myers

Hush now baby, there's no need to cry Let me wipe away those lemon eyes All your worries, such a waste of time You can't even see how much you're mine You're so bitter, bitter, bitter, yellow Settle, settle, got to settle down, okay Listen, listen, you listen, yellow It's a killer, a killer, a killer jealousy Lemon eyes, you're mine Yellow eyes, all mine I bet you wanna walk away, run away, look away, turn away Honey you can't hide Lemon eyes, all mine

Do I even have to explain this? It's basically perfect for all of Anakin's issues with jealousy, but with what yellow eyes mean in this fandom it could absolutely be about Sith!Anakin. It's just such a fitting song for these two, with Obi-Wan trying to reason with a very unreasonable Anakin... (And I might have anonymously suggested to someone to listen to it as a good song for their fic. *coff coff* @tennessoui *coff coff*)

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❧ 10 Years - Daði Freyr

We've been together for a decade now Still everyday I'm lovin' you more If I could do it all again I'd probably do it all the same as before I don't wanna know what would've happened If I never had had your love I didn't became myself before I met you I don't wanna know what would've happened If I never had felt you love Everything about you, I like We started out so fast Now we can take it slower Love takes some time Takes a little time, so take a litte time As it ages like wine [...] And just when I thought that my heart was full I found place that I never explored You're so fascinating And I can't remember the last time I was bored [...] How does it keep getting better? Everyday our love finds a new way to grow The time we spend together Simply feels good We got a good thing going

How could I not put this song in this playlist? Like, it can literally be about how in the many years together, their love for each other grew and grew, and changed to get better with time. But it can also be just Anakin and Obi-Wan in an established relationship, since this is technically a song about a ten years anniversary. I just LOVE IT. It's super sweet and we all need fluff sometimes.

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❧ Different Kind Of Love - Kid Runner

It was always you there Dancing towards me Grabbing both my hands like Here we go, here we go again Maybe it was destiny We were so familiar But you caught me staring And I don't know, I don't know, I guess [...] And when you're near me I can't help but be under your spell Can I make you believe you're the only one I need? [...] It must've been something A switch in my brain It kept me in motion It drove me insane It must've been something Something you said You're pulling me under Holding me close Inside my head Oh, it's a different kind of love And when I see your face I know, I know You got me going Oh, and this could be enough I'm dreaming wide awake I know, I know

Classic friends to lovers AU song that works wonders with Anakin's kind of love, all obsessive and stuff. Definitely can picture teen Anakin pining over Obi-Wan to the tune of this, all awkward boners at absolutely inappropriate times and Obi-Wan never truly pointing it out, because he doesn't want to make Anakin even more uncomfortable.

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❧ Ruthless - GIRLI

Home? What's that? I got a doll's house with a few cracks Grew too tall, now I'm poking out the attic My feet are in the basement 'cause I never wanna hack it Life, what's that? Life, what's that? [...] Take my soul, Take me down Take me back to the beginning of this when I was still innocent Me, sorry who? I'm a kid in a grown-up suit Looking in the mirror tryna figure out who's Banging on the glass 'cause they're tryna break through Is it me? Is it you? Think it's me, wish I knew Take me, use me, screw me over Play me like I like losing Trip me, trick me, drug me Say you love me but you like cheating You're the only one to blame You made me this way Guess that's why I'm so damn Ruthless You made me, you made me You made me ruthless You made me, you made me You made me ruthless Only way to do it When you break me and I lose it Oh, you made me You made me so damn fucking ruthless [...] Yeah it's tragic All the bad bits Made me so damn ruthless No, it's not me I don't wanna be Ruthless

Being a woman, I know perfectly that this song is about how sometimes women have to grow up to be mean because of all of the abuse they go throw in their life. But I kind of see Anakin as this person that would absolutely blame everyone else for his fall to the Dark Side and this works so well! Like, the doll house is a metaphor for how the Jedi Order was supposed to be his home, but in the end he felt like he was used, like the Jedi told him they loved him just to trick him into doing whatever they wanted, basically cheating him of a simpler life with his mom. And even the looking in the mirror thing could be when he's already in the Vader suit and he doesn't know if Vader is what he was supposed to be all along or somewhere inside him there's this young innocent child trying to get out. What can I say, most of the times I have Obi-Wan feelings. But every once in a while I find something twisted enough to give me Anakin/Vader feelings too.

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❧ All or Nothing - Wild Youth

I remember when we were younger We used to stay up late We used to watch the sun go down, the sun go down Yeah at night I, I think about ya How I spent so long living without ya You're all I need, the air I breathe So hold tight, I'm coming 'Cause it's all or nothing I'm a million miles away and I feel so low I've been driving all night just to get back home to you To you See the sunrise, it's a classi break Driving down roads that I used to take with you With you Every streetlight, new horizon Start to wonder if you realise Oh, we were vain, was more than friends So hold tight, I'm coming 'Cause it's all or nothing

Okay, this is kind of perfect for a very specific kind of AU. Like, the "they used to be childhood friends, then got separated by life, but they were always meant for each other, so after meeting once by chance after years separated, they can't go back to their life, they have to stay with the other" kind of specific AU. The song might work with how the Clone Wars kept them separate too, but... yeah. It's kinda specific. Sorry not sorry.

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❧ Someone Like You - Noah Kahan feat. Joy Oladokun

Guess I'm a mess now Lost with my head down I haven't heard from you in weeks You must have left town I can't go back now And all that I have now Are those feelings I felt Knowing that no one else can bring them back out And I've been trying to find a silver lining But I can't But I can't Now that I can't hold you I wish that I had tried to Do more not to lose you Now that I can't find you Because the second you left, yeah the voice in my head screamed "What did I do?" Now you're gone and all I want is someone like you

Once again, ignoring that this is a song about a couple breaking up after one of the two cheated because this is also perfect for Anakin confessing his love for Obi-Wan as soon as he's a Knight. He was sure that would make Obi-Wan accept his love and try to get in a relationship, instead Obi-Wan panicked and asked to get sent as far away from Anakin as he could. So of course Anakin is filled with regret about his confession.

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❧ Big Boy - Charlotte Cardin

Maybe if I spell it out Big boy will take me on proper You nailed my heart to your wall You never dusted off after [...] Maybe if I'm a broken wing Big boy in my nest You nailed my heart to your wall And disposed of the rest of me With your push and shove Like what's love ain't love But it's love to me My boy is not a man yet My boy is not a man yet But boy do I love it when you kiss my neck Oh boy last night was perfect You're changing my mind Like what's mine ain't mine Be mine to be Maybe if we try again Big boy we could have it my way You nailed my heart to your wall But it was damaged anyways

Another song to write smut to, but smut with feels. Mainly Obi-Wan's, that maybe feels like Anakin played with him just so that they could sleep together, but never actually tried to put a pin on what their relationship is supposed to be after. And Obi-Wan realizes that part of the reason is that Anakin is still so young and maybe he's the one that made a mistake. Like, he's not even sure that what he feels is real, but he still keeps following what Anakin wants because what is the alternative after all?

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❧ Home with You - Marie Dahlstrom

Happy to be home with you Happy to wake up with you Even after all that you've benne through Happy that you feel the same Hope that I can ease the pain Happy to come by 'Cause you just give me life And I love spending time with you It's easy when I want you like that I don't regret it even if you might think That I've got Plenty other reasons in my head Plenty other questions still unsaid Nobody knows where you'll go but I'm here [...] I don't understand it all Still I will accept your flaws Just the way that you're accepting mine No, I'm not really one to judge We can laugh it off because It's just one life for you and I and I know [...] Feels so good when it's You by my side I could just stay all night I could just stay all night I love the things you do Nobody knows where we'll go but I'm here Baby, whenever you need me Baby come over, baby come over Whenever you need I will always be by your side

This song can honestly fit multiple things. It can absolutely be Obi-Wan accepting that Anakin reaches out for him only in certain situations and him always being open to it, no matter how their relationship isn't really the traditional kind of relationship (like, a friends with benefits kind of deal). But it can also be Obi-Wan and Anakin getting together when Anakin is already Vader, so Obi-Wan is slowly falling to the Dark Side too. You can also just use this as another song to write soft love making too since it's so slow and soft. Or just do whatever you want with it.

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❧ Hands Tied - Beatrich

You got me home sick for your arms The arms that keep me close But you just slip though my fingers Like I'm tryna catch a ghost I'd travel to the moon and back For you and all that you could say is That you didn't ask for that You'd never ask I'd travel to the moon and back For you and all that you could say is That you didn't ask for that You'd never And you stand there Looking at me with my hands tied And how foolish Foolish of me to let this one slide I'm terrified The roots are way too deep And there is no way out You just stand there Looking at me with my hands tied

Huge vibes of Anakin being mad in love with Obi-Wan, and Obi-Wan pushing him away because he sees Anakin as a brother, not as a lover. And there's all kind of pining from Anakin because of the unrequited love and he tries to do crazy stuff for Obi-Wan hoping he will fall in love with him but it fails... Yeah, that's the angst that hurts in the best way! (But, you know, can totally be reversed to Obi-Wan in love with Anakin in a canon scenario with Anakin married to Padmé.)

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❧ Same Bed - Lola Young

I'm too quick to judge, too fast to fuck If we're lonely and I'm No good in love, 'cause the last time I ended up a little dead inside Sorry I lied, I do not want you, no Sorry my pride's a little too high To let you know I cried when you said you had to go, baby [...] (whispered) Fuck then, don't do this to me now Don't say my name when you're talking to me Don't say we're on the same page Don't look away when you walk into me I like the pain, I like the pain I'm making it hard for you to move on And be lonely 'cause I'm So good with words that the last time I broke his heart [...] I got a bit drunk yesterday evening and I Told you some things I didn't mean, oh did I? Hate it, I hate it when I get complacent I love it when you pull that face and we make mistakes Utterly wasted And wake up in the same bed In the same t-shirt I told you I loved you in The same regrets Like wearing the t-shirt I told you I love you in [...] I only like you when you're naked At least, that's what I proved to myself Can't make a fool of myself, baby God, it's so frustrating, making such a fool of myself Gotta make do with myself, baby I only like you when you're naked At least, that's what I proved to myself You make a fool of myself, baby Let's overcomplicate it, maybe just lose ourselves

Back with the complicated relationship and the angst. Can see this in a canon compliant AU with both Anakin and Obi-Wan not really wanting to admit they are in love with each other, but somehow they always end up sleeping together, and telling the other how much they love them just to regret all of it the day after. Basically making things complicated for no reason other than Obi-Wan not wanting to break the rules/his belief that he's meant for infinite sadness, but also because Anakin can't give up on this twisted love despite how much it hurts him and being petty in trying to make Obi-Wan suffer just as much.

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❧ Ghost - Harper

Not putting lyrics here because this entire song gives me Obi-Wan on Tatooine post-RotS vibes. Like, he's literally on the planet Anakin came from, there to protect Anakin's kids. OF COURSE he sees Anakin's "ghost". Like, he sees so much of Anakin in Luke when he grows up. And it feels kind of fitting as a punishment for Obi-Wan to be slowly going crazy because he keeps being haunted by this image of Anakin around him. Literally this line: "why you gotta make me weak to make me stronger". That's Obi-Wan trying to get over this love for Anakin and realizing that he has to mourn and suffer before he becomes stronger and able to get free from this ghost's hold. (But, you know, Anakin's ghost might even be actually Anakin, in a scenario where Anakin is actually trapped inside of Vader and trying to get free by reaching out to Obi-Wan for help.)

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❧ Qualcosa di Grande - Cesare Cremonini

What happened, you changed You are not the same Or are you still the one That grew up with me What happened, you ran away And with you so did my life I searched for it, I searched for it But I found it only in you There's something important between us That you can never change Not even if you want to But there's something important between us That you can never forget Not even if you want to What happened, you fell You fell too low and now you try to climb back up But it's a struggle you don't want [...] What happened, your light Your light is obscured By someone that I know And that took you away from me What happened, your star Your star eclipsed And now (I dare you to) shine from the darkness without me

Yet another song that gives me RotS feels. It's obviously a break up song, a song about regrets and struggling to move on. So of course in it I see Anakin falling to the Dark Side and Obi-Wan trying to remind him of what is between the two of them so that Anakin comes back to him. (If you want to read the complete translation, you can check it out here.)

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❧ Dark Side - Phoebe Ryan

At your worst, you're the best Baby I don't want another version, no Hard to love, hard to trust But don't change Don't be a better person for me 'Cuz I'm in love with your dark side I'm in love with your dark side So don't turn on the light [...] Even if it hurts, I want you heart Even at your worst, I love you hard If you wanna keep me, go too far

Another song that is more of a both!Sith AU but also something Vaderwan would work honestly. I like the twisted nature of this kind of love so much in fics. Can absolutely works with any version of Anakin or/and Obi-Wan being the bad guy in the story.

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All done! All 20 new songs I added to the original playlist explained away. Like last time, I hope you find any of this entertaining or useful. If any of this inspires your creativity, don't be shy and tag me on your stuff. I'll gladly read it/watch it/enjoy it.

[punkscowardschampions]

Jude & Jac

Jude: [post rave] Jude: you can stop your 1 woman campaign now, freshers looks fun, I admit it Jac: That's why they give out free shit and throw these things Jac: convince people like you, good to know you've fallen for it 🎣😏 Jude: I'm convinced enough to crash Trinity's 😜✌ Jude: here on out Jac: good luck, jailbait Jac: the two years you've got left in school show 👶 Jac: you can't even grow unconvincing facial hair like the boys in my year Jude: nah they don't, why ma & da get so stressed every time I leave the house 💋👗👠 Jac: Predators enjoying the fact you think so is another issue entirely Jude: 🙄😏 Jude: can never just have a nice chat with you Jac: What do you need to chat about? Jude: what do YOU need to chat about? Jac: That was an...attempt, I'll give you that Jude: alright, here's the nudge, her name starts with S & last time she was ranked she was at like a 4 Jude: but I'm willing to bump her up in light of recent events Jac: You've reconnected and + 1 up, have you? Jac: That's nice Jude: taking a decent 📷 is good for a few points Jude: probs should lose 'em again when it's dad 👍 but whatever Jac: Very generous Jac: do appreciate you keeping your 👍 to yourself Jac: what do you wanna ask then? Jude: ikr I'm in a generous mood Jude: I'm not forcing you into a q & a Jude: I just think it's good you're mates again Jude: be a bit weird having her there & not Jude: some girl isn't gonna be there 📷 to turn her into a headless 👻 whenever shit gets awkward Jac: That your professional opinion, captain obvious? Jac: well, cheers for your blessing, like Jude: I could tell you were waiting for it so Jac: Clearly Jac: the little you think about has always been my GREATEST concern 😏 Jac: and she'll be up and over the 🌙 at her new score, of course Jude: all I REALLY wanna know is if she has a 🌾🐄 accent now, like? be honest Jude: it's still silver 🥄 yeah? Jac: Err, come on, it was NEVER Southside Jac: and even if it was, that'd count for NOTHING here Jac: so posh some of 'em it's a speech impediment Jude: so you're saying she don't fit right in with the 👸🤴 & qualifies as a bit of rough instead Jude: gutted for her Jude: her ma'd be even more 💔 wonder how she is Jac: That isn't funny, Jude Jude: not about her mum, that was well sad Jude: posh boys not thinking Sav is, is a bit though Jac: Have you ever tried engaging your brain before you speak Jac: not being completely insensitive should not be this hard for you Jude: ?? Jac: Don't ?? at me Jac: you say it's 'well sad' but you're the one that cracked a joke in the first place Jude: I didn't Jude: not about that Jac: I'm not pulling it from nowhere, it's still on my screen Jac: I don't think you realize how badly you come across half the time Jude: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come across like a massive dickhead Jude: I think Sav's alright, I'm not trying to take the piss out of her Jac: Well it's alright this time 'cos you only said it in front of me Jude: be going a bit far to check in with her Jude: not weird at all Jac: you're saying I SHOULD put it past you? Jac: you are weird Jude: I'm saying I'm not about to say it front of her as I don't talk to her, am I Jac: doesn't mean getting into the habit of saying every 'hilarious' thought that enters your head out loud is a plan Jude: yeah alright Jude: fair enough Jac: Anyway, Sav isn't interested in any boys that look like they came from 🐴s not 🐒s Jude: 🤣 Jude: you wanna be careful saying 👦🏽👦🏾👦🏿 look like 🐒 but I get you Jac: She hasn't got a boyfriend of any colour so I weren't saying that Jude: I didn't reckon so, not unless she got a lad to follow her to uni Jude: but who wants that? Jac: Her ex was holding her back hardcore but he's given that up, thankfully Jude: he sounds like a right laugh & not at all like a prick Jac: That's boys for you Jude: 😜 Jude: when do they grow up? 40s or what? Jac: Have you met our father? Jac: never Jude: oh great Jac: 🤷 Jude: it's alright for you, you can get all the 🤓 lads when you're done studying or whatever Jude: least they'll be smart Jac: smart boys are worse Jac: they want to explain everything to you Jude: really? Jude: fuck that then Jac: dumb but kind are the lofty heights you can shoot for Jude: like a 🐶 Jac: yep Jac: loyalty too, forgo the collar Jude: yeah you're right that is lofty heights Jude: maybe when I'm 40, I can find a lad that don't need one Jude: stop him going over the road & 💔 me Jac: shitting where you eat is gross but convenient, that's boys Jude: 👍 Jude: Jess is so lucky he can pick a lad or a girl Jac: Most people are undesirable Jac: gay lads will only touch him if they think he's straight and that's their type Jac: and girls are a whole different beast altogether Jude: that'll be why he's so 😒 Jac: as a rule or more than usual right now? Jude: we all know why he's 😒 right now Jude: you pissed off somewhere more fun without him Jac: I think he's just fine Jac: and he did it first, every weekend, like Jude: speaking of, his latest gig was not the one Jude: so he's probably 😒 about that Jac: like, he was shit, the crowd weren't the right one or the equipment weren't? Jude: he needs a better 🎸 but that ain't news Jude: seemed like he didn't wanna be there to me Jac: Hm, a fight with one of his girlfriend or boyfriends then Jac: meant to make him better so he's fucked up there Jude: relatable Jac: 🙄 Jac: alright Jude: don't be 🙄 @ me Jude: your dating history ain't spotless Jac: I've never dated anyone so it is Jac: 📑 definition Jude: your hook up history then, you know what I mean cos me either Jac: I don't fall in love with them like an idiot, it's entirely different Jude: I fell in love with the one, who I was dating for a bit Jude: I'm not going about falling for 'em all Jac: Still did, didn't you Jac: I can't even remember any of mine Jac: nothing came into play but proximity and timing Jude: 🏆🥇 if you want Jac: take it over your 💔 obviously Jude: yeah Jac: 🙄 I repeat Jude: whatever Jude: I was stupid, it was ages ago Jac: you brought it up Jude: it was my mistake, I can Jac: not a sounding board for your whining Jude: alright, my bad Jac: used to you Jude: you've got your own room now, get over it, like Jac: unfortunuately, that doesn't stop us sharing a family so I don't think I will, thanks Jac: unfortunuately, that doesn't stop us sharing a family so I don't think I will, thanks Jude: it's a part time one for you now, don't have to see this face til 🎄🎅☃️🎁 Jac: Unfortunately, can stay over Spring though, but there's no catering in the Xmas hol 💔 Jude: 👎 - 1 point to St Andy's Jude: is Sav going to her mum or dad for the hols? Jac: better than home, get all my meals and room cleaned for me every week so Jac: literally only just got here, who's thinking about leaving Jac: some other halls you can stay, so maybe she'll find someone there, so she only has to do actual Xmas day or whatever Jude: me now, maybe I should bother going to uni if they're gonna clean for me Jac: only if you get into a good one Jac: and pay extra, hence most people are self-cater, but what else do I need my grant, loan and scholarship for, may as well Jude: 🤔 I hear you, that's unlikely Jac: you have time Jac: two years can change everything Jude: not my 🧠 it can't Jude: my concentration ain't there unless I'm doing 🎨 Jac: you could try harder, and you know it Jude: at what? Jac: concentrating on enough subjects to get you into a decent Uni Jac: you don't need every one, just enough to boost your points Jude: sounds easy that 😤😏 Jude: if I'm only in it for the 🧹🧺 🧼🧽 & I ain't 🤓 enough for one of 'em, ain't much point Jac: It's not about being nerdy or naturally intelligent, it's about being smart with the system Jude: yeah but it's probably also about going cos you wanna learn stuff & be there not just cos you wanna leave home for a bit Jac: most people never use their degrees, so you tell me Jude: that's true Jude: what subjects then? Jac: Depends what you want to do, Art in some form, assumedly? Jac: Fuck Irish and Spanish and PE, duh, knuckle down with your rest to up your points as much as you can then absolutely ace Art Jude: Alright, I'm decent at PE anyway Jude: that'll be easy points Jac: Exactly, no need to purposely fuck them up, but focus harder on the rest, especially the ones you are less decent at without trying Jude: please tell me you've left your notes here Jac: Of course Jac: under my bed, if you haven't lit it on 🔥 Jude: it's only been a week, gimme chance Jac: well, don't reckon they'll let you get a double yet Jac: I still need a place to crash in the holidays and it certainly won't be beside you snoring your head off Jude: might do if I steer clear of lads for a bit Jude: not that I've done half as much with 'em as everyone reckons I have Jac: People find shit to chat regardless, not worth paying no mind to, no more mind to stupid lads either Jude: I don't care if people don't reckon I'm a virgin still even though I am Jude: it's not like it matters Jac: Yeah, those people will all be irrelevant before you know it Jude: loads of people are well jealous of your uni btw Jude: reckoned you'd wanna hear that Jac: Of course Jac: x2 Jude: 😏 Jac: It's more of a flex than Trinity even, and only a handful of people got in there Jude: when did you work out what you wanted? it feels like you've been going on about it forever Jude: but like actually Jac: 🤔 Jac: I can't remember a point where it wasn't my plan, honestly Jac: more abstract when I was little and didn't have the titles and disciplines to put to it but Jac: I always liked murder mysteries and shit, what makes us tick Jude: right Jude: you love a true crime podcast Jac: 😏 Jac: but I'd rather deal with the living murderers than the corpses of their victims so Jude: well yeah Jude: 🦴🦷 bit gross Jac: 🧠 are much better Jude: long as you're not cutting into it Jac: I won't be Jac: if I'd combined biology, and gone that route Jude: I won't be either, tah Jude: science is proper hard Jac: Psychology has a shit load of it involved anyway, but I can blag it Jude: you're SO excited, I can tell Jude: 🤓💕 Jac: Of course I am Jac: it's everything I've ever wanted Jude: it's weird you're so far away though, it don't feel like you are Jac: Glad my prescence and now abscence had/have such a huge impact on you Jac: we both know why though so Jude: yeah Jac: it's different now Jude: good Jac: alright then Jude: give my love to Savannah, I know she'll have missed me Jude: that's the impact I have Jac: 👌👌 Jude: 😝 Jac: Do you really have a problem with Savannah? Jude: course not, I told you I think she's alright, it's just bants Jude: why does she have a problem with me? Jac: yeah, it's a massive grudge she took all the way to Sligo and back Jac: 🙄 Jude: you know what I mean Jude: has she said that I come across as a massive dickhead too or something? Jude: I don't wanna upset her, like Jac: you haven't come up a load in conversation, like Jac: oddly enough Jac: it's that Jac: she's like my girlfriend alright so you can't be a dick about her anymore, alright Jude: alright then Jac: is that all you're gonna say Jude: I won't take the piss out of her no more, like I said, I didn't mean it anyways Jac: you can react, you know Jac: it's big news on multiple counts Jude: it makes sense Jude: I get it now, why you were like that after she left Jac: Good Jac: I want you to know that Jac: don't change how it was, but still Jude: you could've just told me you rated her 10/10 Jude: is that why she left? like her family always seemed a bit off but I didn't think they were that bad Jac: I couldn't, though Jac: no, her mum wasn't coping Jac: as we all know now, and then the Isabelle stuff went down, so their dad stepped in Jude: yeah, but I mean, that's not part of why she slit her wrists, is it? Cos Sav doesn't need that to carry Jac: it was because the dad left and then took them, to put it as bluntly and without nuance as possible Jac: but that's all on him, not the girls, her mum isn't like blaming them, their relationship is getting better Jude: at least she was alright with you too dating then, nobody needs that dark ages mentality shit Jude: she's got enough going on Jac: well, she doesn't know about that yet Jude: but you were together back then, yeah? Jac: no, it's a new development Jac: as in, like, the other night new, no one really knows, I barely do Jac: things were complicated before Jude: oh okay, soz for backtracking so hard, I just thought Jac: yeah, that was the problem Jac: shit was assumed or it wasn't Jude: what a headfuck Jude: you're okay now though, right? Like the other night went alright Jac: I guess for context, before she left, I did kiss her and it went horribly Jac: I loved her then but she didn't and then she was gone Jac: I see how it sounded like pining there but no Jac: it's good now though, things have changed, we both have Jude: I knew something happened that night when you came back early, you were like a 👻 or like you'd seen one Jac: Yeah, that was what it was Jude: it won't happen again if things are different so Jac: not as bad Jude: I'm glad Jude: that this is the ending you get, cos it's not one, it's more like a beginning or whatever Jude: you don't have to be just excited for uni Jac: I know Jac: not that there's anything wrong with just being excited for Uni, tah very much Jac: whatever happens, I think we'll be able to stay friends this time so Jude: or you'll just marry her & have all the kids she obviously wants Jac: let's not get carried away, shall we Jude: 1. you never said I couldn't have bants with you still Jude: 2. there's nowt I don't know about her life plan, she talks LOADS Jac: You only have a problem with that because you want to be the one talking Jude: course I do Jac: it cannot be overstated how much I'd rather listen to her, is the point ❤ Jude: it'd be a bit rude if you were already like nah tah 🤐 it, babe Jude: probably don't do that Jac: That's your top tip and people really think you're not a virgin? Jac: Interesting Jude: it don't work out well for the lads who TRY it with me 😏 Jude: people reckon I'm not cos I'm that 🥇 yeah Jude: & cos lads have loads to say for themselves, most of which is bollocks Jude: but you're not a sounding board for my whinging, I remember Jac: 'Bants', dear sister, 'bants' Jude: 👍 Jac: anyway, I've got to go Jac: there's this variety show that is apparently hilarious, either actually or in how bad it is so Jude: & I've got loads of 📝📚📖📏📐to do if I'm gonna have my own freshers Jude: top quality entertainment like that, literally how could I not? Jac: sure you'll want to be in it yourself 😏 Jude: you're correct Jude: 👋 then

[x123456789b]

I have just this minute received this letter. The Council claim £1266pm from the social fund for the property. I have no control over it. I think this is one of those where they can evict you within 30 days. I think Sarah Miran might be the most appropriate person to send this to. The Council's offices are still closed to the best of my knowledge. I think it would be preferable to deal with the Mafia.

Dear M (letter that I referred to)

Thank you for the information. I spoke to the estate agents who control these properties and the girl I spoke to confirmed two criminal offences in a two minute telephone conversation. I pressed redial to get her back and the line went dead. I have never experienced anything Lewisham Council does not to be a scam, illegal or criminal. This is a matter for the minister.

I received a phone call from Willow, the agents responsible for this property, on Monday. We made an appointment for somebody to come and look at the damage that I reported for 4o'clock Tuesday. There wasn't any actual damage to the property though the handle of the door appears loose. She said that if I wasn't in they had a key. I was here all afternoon and nobody came. She said they had and they had knocked on the door but there was nobody in. I found my front door unlocked and my tiny window beside it open when I'd locked it. They are very welcome to say they attempted to enter the property illegally. She asked me when they could come again and not to worry if I couldn't be here because they have a key. I am painfully aware that they have a key because I keep finding my door unlocked. That is why I padlock it. I need to discuss with the ombudsman or the arbitration this issue because, not only are they unlawful but we're living in a pandemic and I never know who's been in my premises or for what purpose. I reported that my chronic fatigue is pretty bad and I couldn't give her a date and she said she'd call back Friday. She said they hadn't received my letter with my receipts. Funny how they never lose the things which they find useful.

I reported that there was damp in the property when I moved in as well as mice which come in from the cooker vent outside and since the fire in the adjoining building there was extra damp in areas where it was clear before. The whole of the downstairs needs doing and that's not going to happen with me here. They promissed to move me to permanent accommodation within 56 days of me being here, then went back on the promise claiming that I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress but on 28 October, they produced a document denying that I suffer from post traumatic stress. I tried to recoup the money which I spent on electricity since I have been here which now comes to £310. The council sent me a letter stating that it is illegal for them to charge me for utilities or council tax, in temporary accommodation and when I spoke to Andy, he said that if I sent the receipts in I would be reimbursed. I sent the receipts to Willow, a couple of months ago and they claim they never received them. I am guessing they intend to keep this game going indefenitely. The Ombudsman ordered them to pay me £100 for claiming they didn't receive my correspondence that I produced receipts for, by 20 May and they haven't done that either. I signed for two grants in 2019, one of them for £300 which everybody gets when they leave supported accommodation, the other one is discretionary. When I came here, Andy told me to buy a heater because the ones in the house are ultra expensive to run. I also bought a clothes airer, curtains, a vacuum cleaner, mop bucket and pan and brush, kettle, etc. I replaced a window lock that desintegrated out of my own pocket and bought 20 padlocks and 5 sets of chains to protect the front door and windows because people will try to get in the minute I go out. 2 lamps because the lights in my bedroom total 250 watts, 200 in the kitchen 150 in the hall and 50 in the toilet. 2 Sundays ago, I only went to the newsagents and came back to find that somebody had been in and left me a present, which I have now passed to the authorities, in addition to the other one they left me last week. I would like you to pass this to the person who emailed you along with the receipts. You will also find a copy of the electricity bill which states that the average bill is £60 but the council only put in a £40 allowance. If you don't pay, the lights go out. In order to stay within the £60, I can't turn on the heating or the lights, the dryer or washing machine or oven. Ideally, they should take out the smart meter that cuts off the electricity because it's not exactly legal, is it? I only had the van for 1 hour when I cleared my room in Breakspears Road, leaving behind a brand new and unopened kettle, iron and cuttlery set that I'd bought in 2019. I know they don't dispose of them but rather share them out amongst themselves and I would like them back or their value. They sent me pictures, I left my room in a mess but they asked me to clear it not to clean it and they normally throw all the rubbish out and decorate. I would like a copy of your email please and I would like them to pass a copy of yours to whoever raised the complaint because I certainly will. In my head, I am thinking of the only two familiar options that I am familiar with. One that it's another scam. Two, that I never hear from her.

[anisebonny]

WALKING MY PATH

I choose to trust whether it's okay to trust or not and to believe whether it's okay to or not. For me, its one of the miracles of living. While some people may think it's stupidity then i must say it's okay to be stupid if that's what it takes to trust and believe in people (lol.....) but i choose to believe differently.........its a miracle not stupidity. That was the case when I first got to know about "world life experience".

I was seated in the sitting room one morning during the last days in the month of June keeping myself updated with the happenings around me when I decided to check my timeline on face book. Its become a norm that I will always find something new and just as I thought I saw a sponsored post "world life experience". I went through its content and I was drawn in so I checked its website it reads " travel, discover and share experience". 12 lucky people will tour the world (40 countries) within a year with two weeks break four times and getting paid for it. First though of anyone is that its an adventure of a life time (smiles.....) But while on it, they will carry out different social activity. For me that was the deal breaker. It wasn't just going to be an adventure but lives will be touched ( you want to know more about WLE then check their website www.worldlifeexperience.com and also their social media pages).

I told my brother about it and he said "scam alert"( lol.....). He said that because of the 9£ that will be paid before you can complete your application (lol....). Even before telling him I read a few comments on the post I saw and there were a lot of people questioning the reality of the project. I mean it's a big one and looks unrealistic to some people (lol....) But that is when I choose to believe and to trust. I thought whoever would have though of such idea (lending a hand to people while having an adventure) will come off as sincere and it's a bigger risk to not be a part because of 9£(lol....). It's so much courage for everybody who applied because there were thousands of people from all over the world applying and the chances of being among the twelve (ermm.......thinking) I believe the answer will be in binary (lol.....). I went ahead with my application and along the line I had issues with making my payment plus the website was down for weeks (sigh......). Eventually when they came back online and the deadline was pushed forward, yet again there were questions on the reality of the project if they can't handle such issues (WLE greatest challenge during application days). Still I wasn't able to make payment as a result of the payment method not working with my country so I sent an email. Again deadline was moved to the 7th of August (sigh....) and another payment method enabled as a result of people like me left behind who haven't completed their survey. I was able to make payment and complete survey during this time and then all applicants had the long wait (lol...).

Website down again after 7th of August but social media pages buzzing with information of progress and a lot of anticipation from candidates all over the world. People were following through to see what becomes of their fate on the journey and finally in September we all saw what we have been waiting for. 5th of September I saw on my timeline that 84 preselected moving on to the next stage with two more stages before finally getting the twelve. Everybody was to get an email but already there were comments and all comments were not selected, not selected, not selected (sigh......lol). By then I haven't gotten any email yet. But I think I saw two selected from the 84. So where are the rest???. Not everybody has gotten an email yet and we've been told already it may take a little time and to make sure to check all email folders.

A few people started to raise eyebrows and question how the selection process was done, where are the 84, why weren't they good enough. A lot of why, where, when, how.......(sigh....lol). So WLE uploaded the first photo image of the names of the 84 preselected but brought down the post after they came under fire from the public. I didn't see that photo image but saw the newly uploaded one. There were comments about why WLE brought down the post with all the comments ( apparently they were negative comments). I went through the list of the 84 but found it to be greatly unbalanced. 23/84 from spain , 17/84 from Brazil with other countries represented. Some continents were sparsely represented like Africa, Asia, Oceania and we have 41 persons from just two countries. I shook my head and thought they made a really big mistake. I expected more from WLE as someone who had faith in them but was indifferent about the whole list thing(lol...).

WLE posted again how the 84 were selected and so I checked to see how it was done but I stopped in my track when I saw the stake for the selection was raised different from what was advertised and by then I totally lost faith in them. There was no fairness at all. Negative comments on their page and people giving up on WLE. so I decided to send an email. I tagged it "my two cent". I requested for the email to sent to the appropriate team in charge. I wrote about how I had so much faith in WLE and it staying long only if things were done right. I wrote about my reasons for not wanting to be a part of the second season because of the unbalance in the list and WLE raising her stake to select the 84 different from what I was to believe when I applied and hoped things will be looked into. I wasn't expecting any reply as that was just me giving my thoughts. Surprisingly I got a reply from Antonio Dias and he had this to say about how it turned out

       "I really understand your point, as I respect your side  as well your feelings. 

   However all the process have been made by recruitment specialists   they need criteria to select and for this first edition,  it's important that   everything goes well, so they considered the traveling experience relevant on this  event.

  It's a long journey, and it's really important to the upcoming events that everything goes as we planned, so we need to guarantee all the right conditions.

    We want to show to everyone that we are transparent with the selection process, but this is our first event, we can make mistakes, but I promise that I will learn with every mistake to be able to correct all them on the next event. I apologize sincerely if something look not fair, but I m working hard to  transform this on a truly experience. "

We exchanged a few more emails and we became friends (it was that easy.....lol). More importantly than being friends I got know he is as polite as polite can be and a sincere person. He also spoke about his love to meet new people from different cultures, sharing his view, getting others life perspectives and his wish to start a way for everyone to enjoy those rich experiences all over the world (I believe that is where WLE comes in). He is also an open person, can be philosophical (lol.....) and is willing to learn. It was only much later I got to know he is the visionaire behind WLE.

For me I understand that sometimes in life mistakes are inevitable but our willingness to learn and wanting to never stop to make a change makes all the difference. When Antonio asked me if I would love to do an article for WLE, the first thing he said even before i gave him a reply of if i would or not was that it is okay to write about the mistake as that was what truly happened (lol....). He spoke about being courageous to tell the truth and bracing up for whatever comes afterwards.

Today I am happy I walked my path with WLE. After all for me aside the adventure is the lives that will be touched all over the world that counts.

I believe in WLE and its success. How many more are with me?....lol.

Kisses and hugs.