#Because I didn't remember what my kneecap was supposed to look like and didn't know whether there was usually a large crack running through

[thetardisisnotourdivision]

I am weirdly strong and I never noticed.

So basically my brother has this masculinity complex, so he degrades me at every opportunity, especially my strength. Therefore I assumed for years that my build and strength were perfectly normal and that actually I was really weak compared to most people.

Then a few months ago I lifted something and one of my friends was like "oh god let me get some of that" and I said "it's fine it's not that heavy" and she was like "???"

And since then (due to it now being summer and my newfound lack of fucks to do with what people think of my body) several of my friends have commented that I have "scary big" muscles. In both my arms and my legs.

And now I think about it... I can lift up and throw around my little sister without really thinking about it. My leg muscles are strong enough that I can go up on pointe without the specialised shoes and hold the pose for a good amount of time. On DofE I was the only person not to get bruises on my hips from the bags, and I found carrying the tents far easier than everyone else. But I just assumed that that everyone was like that and when I looked in the mirror I assumed that everyone looked like me too and now I'm realising that I'm actually kinda... Muscled. Like I never noticed that most girls my age have thinner arms and legs than me. I just assumed that everyone had fairly well-defined muscles and left it at that.

TL:DR: I didn't realise that I'm ridiculously strong and kinda buff and now I'm wondering whether I can use that to attract the ladies.

[guigz1-coldwar]

'Feeling broken' : New chapter for "Redemption in a Spirit in a Cold War" is out !

"Feeling broken"

Chapter Summary : Yirina is trying to deal with the aftermath of the disaster of the group's operations in Mall at the Pines

To read it on AO3, click here !

Words : +3100

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More the days passed, more I'm starting to feel that every memories I will have, every moment when I will see someone I knew in my old past is going to make me realize that I'm just an fucking walking mess that is trying to reach their goal while avoiding the shitstorm falling on them. Seeing Freya again and like before, I was so stupid to still play my act of 'Bell'....someone I want to remove from my head but I can't control it, I feel myself obliged to do this part when I'm facing her and I had to stop it.

When I found myself in Park's arms, crying almost all the tears of my body, I was thinking of a lot of things : seeing her again and the ring of my own mother with her despite I remember well to have take it back in that memory. This was the first real thing, aside of my memories, that was linking me to my old life as a Perseus agent and I couldn't take it as Freya left with it, getting away with Stitch and Adler with them as a prisoner. I could have save him if Freya wasn't the person who tackled me down but it was too late for that.

After at least one minute I broke down, Park make me move gently against the counter of the arcade area, wanting me to have a breath and to calm myself. I squeezed my eyes a few times when I was sit, wondering if all of this was just a bad dream but each time time I was opening them back, I was still in that arcade with Park, knelt in front of me, wanting to know what happened in here.

"Yirina, please say something." She started after I didn't speak for a minute, still focused on having my head inside my arms before I decided to look at her with my face looking all pale.

"Stitch, he....he was there, he managed to have his hands on Adler and....I tried to distract him to help Adler but someone make me fly above the counter." I explained the situation, my voice trying to not break in the middle "That person, it was Freya herself." I added, my eyes were still filled with sadness, looking at Park who was troubled by it, looking away.

"Shit, what happened with her ?" She asked, looking at me again, sounding worried, putting her left hand on my kneecaps

"When she realized that it was me, she wanted me to come back home but again, I played 'Bell'." I sniffed, looking down with my M1911 in my right hand "Then, she showed me something that was mine.....my mother ring." I cleaned up the tears on my face with my other hand but even with that, they were still falling. "I was troubled.....and I let her go."

"You let her go ?" She wasn't angry at me....just confused on why I let Freya go away.

"I wanted to tell her but I couldn't do any harm to her."  I looked at my M1911 before I moved my hands to remove the mag of the gun. "If she stayed here, she will have been shot on sight by the others." I had the mag in my right hand before I threw it away from in anger. "I'm so fucking sorry, I messed this up."

"It's okay, don't....."

"Tell me...." I cut her as she was trying to recomfort me "Why are you never angry at me ?" I asked her because each time I do something that I suppose to be bad, she never raised her voice against me. "Please, why you're not mad at me right now ?" My question caused her to move next to me against the counter.

"I'm not angry because I can't be like this with you." She replied, getting her arm behind me, sounding sad. "You don't deserve to be yelled at, you are.....someone that doesn't deserve the hate of the others."

"Really ? For everyone else, I'm just seen as an Perseus agent that should die." I told her, refering to Hudson before I looked down. "I should have died at Solovetsky." I exclaimed like that, preferring to have avoided all of these shit on me.

"No, don't say that, please." Park said, moved, as she put her both arms around me, getting my head against her shoulder. "Please, I don't want you to say that." She added, resisting the urge to cry in her voice.

"I'm feeling so broken now.....a walking mess." I whispered as I moved my left arm on her chest. "I'm so lost."

"Don't worry, I'm here." She confessed, giving me a kiss on the top of my head. "We're going to get through this together, remember ?" She added, affirming my own words I told her days ago in that bed in the New Orleans, I nodded to her and I reinforced my grap around her, feeling like safer with her.

"Adler is now gone and we have nothing to help us." I admitted, reflecting to the situation we are now.....a fucking mess. "It's because of him we are like this now."

"I know." She agreed to me, thinking the same thing. "We really needed a bigger plan and now, Stitch got him." She then started to move to get up, offering her hand to me. "Come on, we should join the others to debrief." I took her hand and I got up thanks to her, mixed between feeling better & broken.

Before leaving the arcade, I decided to took back the M1911's mag I threw away next to a arcade machine, putting it back in my gun and then taking also the Krig 6 I had that was at the spot I was before Freya make me fly above the counter with her.  When we left the arcade, I could realize the state the mall was in now : in pretty bad shape, filled with bullets holes almost on every wall and a lot of bodies either from Stitch's guys or from the support team.

We joined the center of the mall, next to the Nova-6 barrels we discovered, wondering why they weren't blow up by Stitch as it was looking like this main goal in here : to do a terrorist attack and kill a lot of civilians but instead, they were still intact as two mens from the support team were working on them, trying to disarm them. Maybe that the guy in charge to blow them up was dead.

"So, anything new for Adler ?" It was Zeyna's voice that came from the store we were before I runned to the arcade, she was with Bulldozer at her side.

"Stitch got away....with him." I replied, crossing my arms, looking at the barrels as the two mens were disarming them. "I wasn't so fast to react." I looked back at them.

"Putain !" Zeyna breathed away in desesperation, getting her MP5 down for an moment.

"We lost Adler and a large of the support team is either KIA or WIA." Bulldozer added, looking at all of the bodies around us before he removed his riot helmet. "There's just us and a few men of the support team still breathing in here."

"We should have bring more men here." Park exclaimed, closing her eyes. "Mason, Woods & Sims should have come with us if Adler wasn't stupid in his head."

"I don't know what got into him." Zeyna said, curious about Adler's behavior. "Maybe his hatred for Stitch and the fact he thought that we will make the job done easily."

"It's because of him that we are in this situation." I proclaimed, almost angry inside of me and in my voice. "It's because of him we almost got ourselves killed." I added.

"Does this mall has a security room ?" Bulldozer asked, looking at a corner, precisely to a security camera.

"Why that ?" Zeyna told him.

"Maybe we can try to follow what Adler did after the shootout begin." He suggested as Zeyna started to think before she finished.

"Bien sur !" She said before she started to walk away in a direction "Follow me, I know where the room is."

"Radio me when you're done with the barrels !" Bulldozer ordered to the men that was with the barrels who nodded at him as we started to comply to Zeyna's order to follow her.

We left the center of the mall to follow Zeyna in the other side of it, passing through the few others standing men of the support team, trying to search for any other potentials survivors from Perseus and from their own mens. They were all looking troubled by the events, seeing that on their face, it was supposed to be for them, a simple mission that turned to a bloodbath, according to the multiple bullets holes and pools of bloods everywhere we were walking into we arrived in the security room, the only place that wasn't touched by the massacre.

There were multiples TV on a wall, each one of them, linked to a special camera inside the mall. Zeyna sit on a chair near a control panel to check if it was possible for us to rewind the events that happened during the shootout. After having some troubles with the panel, she finally managed to make the camera going back for us, rewinding them exactly just at the moment we were almost going to run.

"Camera 5, this is us before we start to run." Park pointed at the TV of that special camera, showing ourselves in group, our guns pointed in all the directions. "Okay, you can advance now." She ordered to Zeyna, who let the camera replay the scene.

"So, Adler threw his smokes on the ground and we all start to run." I said, observing the scene as we were all running. "But where's Adler ?" I asked as he was the only one who didn't run away

"There !" Bulldozer gestured to us the third TV. "It's Stitch running to the arcade !" We could see Stitch getting to the area with his gun in hand.....before we could see Adler going out of the smoke to pursue.

"So, instead to get into cover, he decide to go confront Stitch alone." Zeyna exclaimed, still not believing at the scene she was watching before she continued to show us the events. "There's two cameras in the arcade, we could see what happened." She added, getting our attention on the last two TVs : one camera overlooking the room.....and one overlooking behind the counter and we could see Stitch getting in cover behind it.

"There's Adler !" I said, seeing him enter the arcade before he start to fight with two men that was coming inside the room from another side. He managed to got one until the other was able to neutralize him. "And now, Stitch is moving." He got out of cover to join his men who were now holding Adler as others got inside the arcade.....and I could see where's Freya was going behind a cover to attack the person that will arrive soon....me.

"Look, it's you." Bulldozer pointed as I was arrived in the arcade until Freya acted and throw herself on me, making go above the counter. "Ooww." He snorted, seeing me getting jumped by her.

"So, Stitch's taking Adler with his men while you are fighting one of them." Zeyna told, looking at the two cameras, the first one with Adler getting dragged away while the other was me, fighting with Freya. "Wait, why did the person stopped ?" She asked, focused on the second camera, reliving when Freya removed her knife from me before I managed to grab my M1911.

"Why aren't you shooting her ?" Bulldozer looked at me, seeing me holding Freya in gunpoint but not doing anything at all.

"Listen, I can explain...."

"So, explain why you didn't shot her and let her go away !" He said harshly after cutting me and witnessing the moment where I let Freya go before the camera stopped by Zeyna. I took a deep breath before I leaned myself on a table, looking down.

"She....she was my old best friend." I replied, not wanting to tell them more even if Park know the story well, we couldn't tell them the truth entirely. "At my time in the KGB, I didn't know she was with Perseus....until now." I bit my lips down., trying to think.

"Merde, she stopped herself when she saw you and she was looking.....troubled." Zeyna exclaimed, rewatching the scene entirely. "What is she holding in her hand ?" She wasn't seeing the ring because of the picture quality.

"It was my mother ring, she said that I lost it when I defected and that she kept it with her." I proclaimed, looking at Park who was looking a bit sad from that. "I couldn't take it back." I then looked back at Bulldozer & Zeyna. "I'm sorry if I fucked up to save Adler, it's just that seeing her after all these times shocked me." I could see that they were mixed between seeing me as the one who fucked this up and also knowing that it couldn't be my fault, I couldn't tell.

"Listen, Yirina is not the one to fully blame in here." Park intervened in my thoughts, moving next to me. "If Adler had a better plan, nothing of this will have happened !" She added to them.

"I know..." Bulldozer whispered before his radio start to make some noises, he took it in his hands. "Yes ?" He asked, looking at us as he was listening. "Ok, we'll come back quickly." He then hang up his radio, putting it back on his jacket. "The support team has finished to disarm the Nova-6 barrels."

"And what's the other things ?" Zeyna questioned him, seeing it on his face that there were another thing.

"Hudson has arrived in here, he's awaiting for us and to say, he's pretty pissed off." He replied, taking back his M16 that he put against the wall before he start to walk out of the room.

By hearing that Hudson was here, I know that I needed to have my temper in control since Bulldozer told us that he wasn't so happy about it. It was obvious that Hudson was going to be pissed off by the events and what he heard but we had no choice to join him. I took a deep breath before I start to follow everyone outside the security room with our guns. On our way back to the center of the mall, there were more people alive, coming from Hudson team but all their looks were focused on me.

By their eyes, they were so confused to see me.....now, everyone in the CIA know that I'm well & alive thanks to Hudson, he couldn't keep it for himself, I can say. At any time with them, they could try anything with me and I'm going to make sure that it isn't going to happen and Park was thinking the same thing along the way, staying next to me until we arrived exactly at the center of the mall, finding Hudson in his typical CIA agent clothes, holding a satellite phone in his hand.

"You literally transformed an american mall into a battlefield !" He turned his back around to face us, looking angry at us. "And now, I have learned that Adler is MIA in Perseus's hand !" He added, giving behind his glasses, a deadly glare. "Do you realize what you have done today ?"

"Sir, we tried anything to survive but Adler has decided to go alone to face Stitch." Bulldozer said, confused, resisting the urge to maybe punch Hudson in the face.

"We just came from the security room : Adler preferred to face him instead of checking for our own safety." Zeyna added to his statement. "Grigoriev tried her best to save him but it was too late." She looked at me, realizing that it wasn't my fault even with what she saw.

"Adler almost make us killed because of his behavior." I exclaimed to Hudson who was sniffing at hearing me and seeing me too.

"I'm not talking to you, Bell !" He said loudly, making me move to face him, angry that he still saw me as Bell and to be frankly, he's not going to change with me. Park was there next to me and to be honest, she would have wanted to punch that guy really hard

"Who is Bell ?" Bulldozer asked, looking at me curious.

"Old story, better for you to not know about it." I replied, looking at him for an second before I focused back on Hudson. "If you want to finish the job, do it." I suggested to him, spreading my arms, meaning that I was ready to anything from him and instead, he backed down, rolling his eyes.

"Why are you here with us ?" He whispered to me

"Maybe because I want to kill Perseus myself but if you're too stubborn about me, then you're already fucked." I responded, giving my whole thought on him....literally. "I'm not the one to blame here and you know it well by yourself."

"So who's the one I'm blaming ? The only one that was taken away ?" I nodded to him directly. "We just lost our best agent against Perseus and I'm going to pull the fault on Adler ?" He repeated himself and I nodded again.

"You didn't just lose him, a lot of people died because of Adler's mistakes to underestimate the danger." Park said, defending my view on the situation, he looked at her with contempt.

"You, you better....." He was going to continue until his satellite phone rang, causing him to take it. "Agent Hudson's speaking." He proclaimed while looking at us, his phone next to his left ear. "Yes, she's here." He looked at Park precisely. "Yeah, I'm giving it to her." He then handed his own phone to her "For you !" She took the phone in hand as he start to move to get with Zeyna & Bulldozer.

"Yes ?" Park started as I stayed with her, wondering what was the deal with her. "Our operation in the New Jersey was an disaster, sir." She looked at me with an smile "Yes, she's with me actually." I was very curious, getting my brain to work about who would like to heard about me.....the MI6 ?....."I understand, sir, I will be with her soon......Semper Occultus...." She then finished by the MI6's motto I learned a few days from her before hanging up the phone.

"What's the deal ?" I asked as she was giving the phone back to Hudson before she looked at me with an smile, almost happy and relieved.....

"Looks like we are going to make an fly to London !"

[punkscowardschampions]

Bea & Ro

Surprisingly productive argument/turned actual conversation, about Drew, Ro’s self-loathing, sister issues and their parents/going to London soul-searching.

Bea: Back with him then? I thought you'd learned your lesson (finally) last time...Well? Ro joined the chat 3 hours ago Ro: Yes, it was rather unexpected, and sudden I suppose, hence I didn't get a chance to let you know individually Ro: Well, actually I have learned a lot. As has Drew. Bea: That's always good, rushing into commitments, being at his beck and call... Bea: And obviously he has, how else would he deceive you, again. Got to have new tricks. For goodness sake! Bea: What does he actually do with his time, Ro? What do you think? He isn't in Schooling, fine, but where's his REAL job? Bea: What are you getting out of this? Except heart-ache and being made to look a fool at the end of it, every month or so Bea: I thought you were in a good place? Ro: That isn't at all what I meant. There was a lot going on with my birthday celebrations and everything as you yourself know. Ro: Oh Bea that's just uncalled for! He's changed and with is finally being more truthful with me. Ro: I thought you, out of everyone, would understand standing on your own two feet and making a living for yourself your own way. He didn't enjoy school but he's using the skills he has to support himself Ro: What is so wrong with that? Ro: I am in a good place now. With him. He loves me. What more could there be to get 'out of it' Bea: Wait, he didn't try all this AFTER you read the letter, did he? Bea: It's always an emotional time for you, regardless if it was before or after anyway; it's wrong for him to exploit that for his own gain Bea: No, he hasn't! If he had, he'd leave you alone, or at least let you come back to him. He hasn't changed at all. Bea: So tell me what he does, if it's so admirable, tell me right now what you think he does, what has him out all the odd hours Bea: I, out of everyone, know where dealing in the things he does, can get you. You don't remember what it was like for Tess and Fearghal back then, you were too young, but they've told enough war stories for you to know better! I know you do, so why are you choosing to ignore what you know to be true for his sake? Bea: He isn't worth it. For God's sake, being associated with him could risk your career before its even began. Is that what you want? Think on! Bea: Oh, Ro. There is so much more than those words, even when they're not empty. Ro: Why must you take something so nice and twist it into something HORRIBLE! I hadn't even opened your gift when Drew and I reconciled. Mum and dad have nothing to do with this and he would never do anything to involve them after everything he has been through with his own family. Ro: You don't know anything about him. Or us. You barely know me. Ro: He does all kinds of things, odd jobs, fetching and carrying for people that sort of thing. I didn't need all the ins and outs because I trust him and honestly it hardly matters if you don't. Ro: I've also been told enough stories to understand that people deserve second chances, as have you. He isn't as lucky as I was. He remembers every struggle before Caleb's family took him in and he does what he has to do to make sure he and Meena will have a future whatever happens next. I can't blame him for that and you shouldn't. Self reliance is the opposite of a risk and I'm proud and lucky to know him, thank you very much. Ro: You clearly have no idea what he's worth so you'll excuse me if I don't bow to your 'wisdom' on the subject. Ro: Besides, it's my career. Not yours. You've made your own choices why can't you let me make mine? Ro: How can you say that Bea! You live by them. Fraze is everything to you and you've never listened to a word against him, have you? Bea: You're just seeing it as it actually was, and not through rose-tinted fairyland glasses. Bea: I know enough. More than you, as you continue to choose ignorance over swallowing the bitter pill and moving the fuck on. Bea: And there is no 'us' as in 'you and him'. There never will be because that is not what he wants from you. Bea: You are ridiculous. This is not 1950s America in a cheesy movie...He isn't a fucking boy scout doing bob-a-job. Listen to how stupid you sound, for what? He doesn't defend you, or do anything that inconveniences him, in fact, for you. Its one-sided and unfair and you deserve better, I know you think otherwise, and that you won't get better but its true, and possible. Bea: Boo fucking hoo. He doesn't get to use his sad backstory to be a criminal. All that will happen is that he'll end up in jail, leaving his wittle sister alone. And Meena will be just fine without him, because she's got a fucking brain in her head. God, I wish I could say the same for you. Bea: I don't care to know any more about him that is plainly evident for all to see. You're not going to get a doctorate for giving a shit about him. He isn't special. He's not intriguing. He's a waste of your time and energies. Bea: Don't even bother going to Cambridge if you're going to throw it all away on him. Save the country the debt, get yourself knocked up now and waste away waiting for him to love you back. Bea: Because we have common interests, goals, and you know, we make each other's lives better by being in them? And we've always both been willing to put our money where our mouth is, in terms of love and working together to get what we want and need. So please, don't ever try and compare this teenage infatuation of yours to my relationship with Fraze again, it is just laughable in the saddest way. Ro: Stop. You don't know half as much as you think you do and frankly what information you're working with isn't correct anymore if it ever has been. You're the one being ridiculous, not me. Ro: Not to mention judgmental! You don't get to tell him how to act or what his future may or may not be because you aren't a monopoly on tragedy. Ro: I wish you'd stop pretending to have any stake in my own future either. It isn't so and I'm not going to do as you say just because you say it. Not that it's any of your business but getting pregnant is the last thing I intend to do but if I did it has nothing to do with you and there is no reason I'd have to choose regardless. You didn't and Ali isn't. Ro: I've already told you he does love me and he does make my life better but since you clearly need to hear it, we also have plenty of things in common. Bea: No, I won't. Because someone needs to tell you, and it will go in. And one day, you will see sense. Bea: Yeah my judgment is the least of his worries, try the judgment of the fucking law because did you forget, its illegal? Bea: He's a moron, everyone in Dublin knows he's dealing, he'll be lucky if the police find him before rivals do and break his fucking kneecaps. Bea: I do, I'm your sister, you don't have to like it for it to be reality, you can't write me out of your fucking fairytale, Ro. And if you want anything to do with your niece or nephew, I'd reconsider the path you're going down because fat chance I'm letting them near that scum, or near you when you're behaving so irrationally. Bea: All you have in common is co-dependency on toxicity and fucking up your lives and your poor attempt at trauma-bonding. What fun! Ro: We're sisters when it suits you, Bea. I'd be surprised you have time for this conversation except I'm well versed in the fact that you live to berate me. I thought things were getting better between us but apparently I'm wrong about that above all. Since we've come to what is really, and consistently, the heart of the issue once again, I won't try and change your mind or apologise, once more, for not being good enough for you. I'd hate to sound even more like an irrational teenager when you read back this conversation to bask in your superiority. Ro: What's fun are these constant fights and reminders of what a failure you believe I am. Ro: If you don't want me around Nancy and Buster then fine, they are your children. I don't feel the need to tell you what to do or you're doing wrong. Bea: So you want me to leave you alone? But are also so sad about the fact I'm never there for you? Sounds like someone's confused! Unsurprising when you believe lies and won't see or hear anything real. Bea: And I haven't berated you, I've berated him; you are not one. Which is the real heart of the issue, you taking responsibility for and internalising all his bullshit. Bea: And I have bad news for you on that front, except you sound like what you are, a child. Bea: I've never been ashamed of you. Until now. Bea: You won't be in and out of their life when it suits you, just an Auntie when he leaves you, AGAIN. So, you've made your choice. I sincerely hope you can live with it. Goodbye, and good luck, Ro. Ro: I must take after you what with you contradicting yourself so heavily. If Drew and I aren't one, as you're so keen to stress then why are you so quick to try and tell me that I'm not separate from his choices or mistakes. Ro: Sadly you're too late as well because I'm not a child anymore. However my relationship continues or ends I'm living my own life. I didn't expect to have to do so without you but I fine. Ro: As for the kids, I wouldn't do that when I know how much it hurts. Ro: For the record though, this is the choice you made. It's been forced upon me but I guess I will have to live with it all the same. Bea: No, Ro. You chose to make the wrong decision. Bea: You love getting a chance to be the victim. Well, be his victim. But you're not mine, you did this to yourself, I gave you the choice. Ro: There shouldn't have even been a decision to be made but you need me to be wrong so badly don't you? In every way you can. Forgive me for being sick of it. Ro: No Bea, you love me to be a victim so you can heap your scorn on me. It's not the same thing. Just like a choice isn't the same as a ultimatum which is what you've thrown at me. Bea: No, I need you to fucking love yourself! Maybe you're sick of feeling wrong, feeling like you're never enough. That is coming from you and you alone, so don't you dare try to push your self-loathing onto me and say that's how I feel about you, because it isn't, never has been, and it never will be. I love you. Bea: I pity you, it hurts you like scorn because you've still got an ounce of pride left in you somewhere. I'm just asking you, begging you, to hold onto it and make use of it. Ro: Then just love me! Let me be happy without trying to ruin it and be cruel all the time. That hurts me and it does, and is, coming from you. I can't keep having the same fight with you. It's more exhausting than anything Drew's done. Pity me for saying so if you want. I can't control that either. Bea: If I have to be cruel to be kind, then that's the role I have to play. I hardly enjoy it, it hurts me too, Ro! But I'm not going to lie to you, to pretend something is okay when it isn't, just because that's what feels best to you at the time. Because its not going to feel good when you look back, for me or for you. I'm not prepared to wrap you in cotton wool. You're an adult now? Then I'm treating you like it, no coddling. Ro: But you don't have to! You don't have to like him but why can't you accept that I do? I love him. Why can't that just be okay? Nobody else is lying or pretending, I mean look at Tess, but she's not being like this. Like you. Ro: You're my sister but you don't have to be anything to him, I'm not asking for that. We aren't married, Bea. Bea: Because I AM your sister! They're all family, but they're not; there are boundaries. And Tess is a parental figure, parents let you make your own mistakes. But I am your sister and I happen to think you've made the same mistake enough times now. There's nothing more to learn from this, from him. Nothing of worth for you and your personal growth. Bea: But I know you're not going to stop, so, there we go. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't try, it will help one day. Ro: But maybe it isn't a mistake this time. Or maybe I am just tired of always having to think in terms of what I can learn or take and want to just have what he can give me... Ro: why can't this be worth a try? Bea: Because you're worth more than just taking what you can get from someone who isn't giving enough, nevermind their all. Ro: You're just saying that because you don't like him. Bea: No, Ro, I am not. And you know that. Ro: I know I'm not you. Or Ali. And I know what people say about me. Why they bully me. I'm not stupid. Bea: You're socially awkward, that's all. People with competent enough social skills themselves can easily get past that. And you're clever, all that just combines to make people feel insecure so they project that onto you, make you feel the same. Bea: Its not as if I had any real friends at School either. There's a whole world out there, Ro. Filled with people who will like and love you, will get you. Bea: And you have Ali, and Meena, don't you? Ro: No you're clever, I just work hard. Try harder. Ro: You don't get it, he's not the one who's wrong, I am. Ro: He loves me, why can't I have that? Ro: And yes, of course, but it's not the same Bea: But what's not admirable about that? Being 'clever' innately (which in School just means having a decent store and recall memory to pass tests) isn't anything to shout about particularly, but putting in the work is. Bea: What's wrong with you? Different is not wrong. They're all the same, it makes it feel wrong to be different, but do you want to be like all the other girls in your School, really? Bea: You're better. Bea: Don't make me say it, Ro... Ro: In theory yes but in practice it's simply exhausting and frustrating and anything other than admirable. Or likable. Ro: I just don't want to be this. It isn't about comparison Ro: He makes me happy that's all. Bea: It feels like it when you're there, but School isn't a popularity contest. Its to get you to where the fuck you actually WANT to be, that's all. You don't want the only place you ever wanna be to be the School playground 'cos you've peaked, 'cos you're leaving in a year's time and there is no going back. Bea: You're going to have a life that is more than just nostalgia Bea: That's all this is, that's all I'm trying to prevent here, don't fall into the trap, okay? Ro: I know that. Ro: But this isn't just nostalgia though, I know that as well. Bea: Okay, but one day it will be, and I want you to be able to look back at this time with more than just regret Ro: And I want a chance to be in the moment, for once, instead of constantly looking back or worrying about the future Bea: Then go for it, like I said. But 'living in the moment' doesn't magically absolve you of making choices that will affect your present, your future, and how you look back on it as the past one day. You can not think too much about it when you're in it, sure. But you will have to live it and re-live it. That's just life, baby sister. I know it better than most. Ro: Okay, so what you have me do, leave him because of how he might behave and how he has in the past, in spite of his apologies for it? That isn't right. Bea: The past has a habit of not staying in the past...It creeps up on you, and on him, no doubt, old habits dying hard. If you can live with how he treated you, how everyone knows he treated you, the cheating and lying and just cruelty, he threw your way- then, well, I can't stop you. I wasn't trying to, I was only ever telling you how it is, how I see things. Bea: Is sorry enough? Because you know, it can't fix everything, don't you? Ro: I have to believe it can Bea: Then...I wish you luck. Ro: Is that all? You don't hate me again, do you? Bea: I never hated you, Ro, and I don't Ro: I hope so. I'd like to come and see you. I've been thinking about the woman that wrote you the letter a lot and was wondering if I should send her one back or something. Bea: You could- Or we could go visit her, she did offer Bea: I have been pondering what to do too Ro: Oh, that's an even better idea, if a scarier one.... Bea: Yeah Bea: We'll be okay. I'm certain she's legitimate, as in she was a true friend, not just someone who went to the same School and had a vague recollection and some old photos. I did a lot of digging before I reached out and she'd done Facebook posts on mum's Birthday, and the anniversary of the crash, year upon year, and she had more photos on their too. Bea: She could probably give us a real sense of who they were, and the area, she's still there...Its not somewhere in London I'd been previously and I haven't gone without you Ro: I don't doubt that or you, it's just...what if I'm not how she expects. Ro: The whole thing could be a huge disappointment Bea: It's not an audition. We're their daughters and that isn't up for debate, nor judgment. Who would she be to do that? Not that she sounds like that but you know, fuck anyone who would, they don't know us, what we've been through. Bea: It could be, yeah, but we've not got anything to lose, have we? Ro: You're right. Okay let's do it. When? Bea: Well, its a pretty good season to do it in, I think. Goodwill, being with new friends, reminiscing on old, reaching out to your fellow man and all that. We can get her something, to say thank you... Your last day is the 21st, right? So, if we do Sat 22nd, you can come back to Cambs with me for the Sunday and we'll all go back to Dublin together on the Monday, for Christmas Eve. Bea: Is that too soon for you? Its a few weeks but if you need longer, we can do it AFTER Christmas. I just think the festive season is as good an excuse as any, it'll make us all for more comfortable, I feel. Ro: No no I agree. That's a perfect time. Bea: I'll talk to Tess but I know she'll be fine. Bea: I'm really looking forward to this Ro: Anything to distract her from it being Caleb's family's turn to have Ali and the kids for Christmas, bless her. Ro: Me too. Thanks again, Bea. I know I've said it a hundred times already but Bea: Oh dear, I better catch up with her so she can rant, save your ears from it for the hundredth time, especially Ferghal's! Bea: Its okay, hopefully we'll get even more from this visit, fill in the blanks once and for all Ro: I really hope so, yes. Bea: I better get on, lots to do. We'll talk soon. x Ro: Okay. Kiss the twins for me 💕 Bea: Will do 💞