#Baguette Bruiser

[jolikmc-thoughts]

Oh, nooo… What have we done. I was talking with ChatGPT a bit, and we somehow came up with the most ridiculous super hero parody. In fact, we made two of them. These are basically Superhero League of Hoboken fan characters, since they're so insanely silly. Check it out. —

The Senbei Senshi

Backstory: Trained in the ancient and sacred art of cracker combat by a hidden order of health-conscious monks, the Senbei Senshi travels the world promoting balance, discipline, and healthy snacking. Born in a pristine rice paddy at the foot of Mount Fuji, he views anything made with wheat or processed grains as inferior. He has rejected modern snack culture in favor of pure, unadulterated senbei.

Powers:

Rice Cracker Shuriken: Throws razor-sharp senbei that can slice through steel… or so he claims.

Gluten-Free Gale: Creates a whirlwind of health-conscious crackers to overwhelm his enemies, forcing them into submission with guilt over their poor snack choices.

Organic Smokescreen: Disappears into a puff of flourless rice powder when cornered, leaving behind a faint smell of soy sauce and a lecture on clean eating.

Fennel Finish: His ultimate move, where he hurls extra-thick taralli-like crackers at high velocity, boasting about their “subtle, refined flavors.”

Personality: The Senbei Senshi is the epitome of smug, constantly reminding everyone of the virtues of his rice crackers and why they’re nutritionally superior. He believes he’s a beacon of righteousness, showing the world the “correct” way to snack. His superiority complex is so massive that he refuses to even acknowledge the existence of other snacks, considering them unworthy. He speaks in dramatic, hushed tones, as though every cracker he tosses carries the weight of a centuries-old legacy.

Commentary: Picture a stoic, noble warrior dedicated to the way of the rice cracker. He believes his gluten-free, artisanal rice-based projectiles are far superior to anything his opponents could possibly muster. His fighting style is flawless, of course, and his moves are always accompanied by a smug speech about the purity of his rice crackers and the health benefits they bring.

This guy is just dying for a comic series or a cameo in a game like The Superhero League of Hoboken. He could be a perfect fit as a guest character who tries way too hard to impress the main team, only to be constantly mocked for his self-righteous attitude. —

Le Baguette Bruiser

Backstory: Le Baguette Bruiser — real name Jean-Pierre Croûte — was born in a small French village, raised on the finest bread in the world. From a young age, he trained in the art of baking, mastering the perfect crust, the soft interior, and the unmistakable crack of a freshly baked baguette. But Jean-Pierre found his true calling when he realized that bread wasn’t just for eating—it could also be a weapon of great power. Now, he travels the world, defending the honor of bread, especially the crusty French variety, using his baguettes to fight injustice (and unhealthy snacks).

Powers:

Baguette Baton: Wields a super-hardened baguette that can break through anything from shields to bad attitudes. The crispier the crust, the deadlier the blow.

Pain d’Éclair (Bread Lightning): Throws his baguettes with lightning speed, each hit delivering a crispy shock that knocks enemies off balance.

Bread Barrage: Summons an endless stream of freshly baked baguettes from his legendary bread oven, launching them in rapid succession like a bread-based machine gun.

Crusty Counter: When struck, he hardens his baguette to absorb the impact, then retaliates with an even crispier strike.

Personality: Le Baguette Bruiser is the definition of a proud French artisan. He believes that bread is life itself, and no meal is complete without a perfectly baked baguette. His pride in French cuisine knows no bounds, and he is constantly lamenting the rise of what he calls “inferior” bread substitutes, like crackers or flatbreads. He has a bit of a snobbish streak, but his heart is in the right place. He respects other culinary cultures, but only as long as they acknowledge the supremacy of bread.

Jean-Pierre, despite his deep love for all things French and his borderline fanaticism for le pain, has always found croissants to be too soft, too buttery, and too flaky for his tastes. In his mind, the true essence of French bread is its crust, and the baguette embodies that perfectly. He respects the craftsmanship that goes into making croissants, but to him, they’re just “fancy breakfast fluff” compared to the hard-earned, battle-ready crust of a freshly baked baguette.

Commentary: He has a friendly rivalry with the Senbei Senshi, constantly challenging him to see which is superior: rice-based snacks or grain-based bread. The two often clash in the kitchen and on the battlefield, each believing their culinary creation holds the key to ultimate satisfaction.

This matchup would be legendary. Imagine the Senbei Senshi and Le Baguette Bruiser engaging in a duel of snacks, with bread flying one way and rice crackers the other, all while passionately lecturing about their superiority in their respective crafts. The humor would be top-tier, especially if they grudgingly team up against a common enemy—perhaps someone like The Crouton Crusher, who desecrates both rice and bread by turning them into… salads!

[bucketspammer4life]

overanalyzing punch out characters for fun

i have problems so why not project them on some punchy men?? Also dont take these seriously i simply like analyzing stuff

Glass Joe

Hes very cheerful, even after getting beaten a 100 times,this could imply hes a optimistic person or is simply used to failing often.

This can be backed up by him being stubborn and continuing boxing even after he gets brain damage and has to use extra protection to not get more issues. He could be doing boxing for fun or because he has passion for it.

But his face & words say otherwise, before you fight him (before the first cutscene and the slideshow, not counting the selection screen) he has a strange expression that looks maybe confused or unsure, he could be doubting his skills or simply wondering how they let a 17 year old in.

He talks about how "his stomach is mush" during the TD cutscene, if that sounds confident then i don't wanna know what counts as cocky...

He could be someone happy with their career but very doubtful of his skills. This shows during his celebration animation, hes literally over the moon to beat one person, one. Imagine what that man felt after he beat Nick bruiser.

Von Kaiser

Also in his comic strip (yes, theres a Wii comic for punch out.) he seems to have the very simple goal of being a champion and being congratulated. He has dreams of decorating the champion belt with a baguette for fucks sake, if that doesnt scream simple i dont know what will.

Hes shown to be very serious, confirmed by his cold expression that changes only during cutscenes or when you get hits on him, he could be hiding emotions because of childhood stuff, maybe a urge to hide it or simply have a resting bitch face.

His slideshows show us how he gets his ass kicked by kids and thats grounds for getting some issues, his pre-fight cutscene has him worried about something enough to have him hyperventilating, maybe its the thought of getting his ass kicked again thats making him worried.

He gets a bit angrier in his TD and fastens up, but theres not much to get there.

Disco Kid

He could have issues showing emotions from childhood trauma, but then again saying someone who doesn't show emotion is 100% traumatized sounds very dumb, he could simply have a rbf. (as mentioned before)

Disco Kid is just... Happy, hes cheerful, hes energetic and passionate about what he does.

Hes absolutely beaming with happiness! Except for the TD cutscene where he literally goes broke...And finds his happiness again!

King Hippo

Since hes able to walk off being broke that easily, its safe for us to assume he has gone through worse and has stayed optimistic.

King Hippo is.. King Hippo! He eats, he fights, he sleeps. Thats King Hippo all right.

He's shown to be innovative since his first thought when he sees a manhole cover is "i could use that!"

Piston Hondo

He's also very cocky, as much as i don't like to say it, he says something in his native tongue before laughing, he could be saying anything and finding it funny himself.

He's shown to be very focused and polite, he bows during the fight for fucks sake! Hes pretty much throwing the fight just to be respectful.

His TD cutscenes show us how he goes out of his way to get stronger, he outruns a bullet train just to beat a child again. This could imply not trusting himself to not lose again, feel pressured to keep his title or simply want to not get beaten again. And said issues i just mentioned could be rooted in past issues.

His cutscenes during the fight show him calmly talking to Mac, no mean comments or other stuff, he just reads manga, says some stuff and continues on with it, but the bar for being respectable is pretty low in the wvba, looking at Bald "Stop Chucking Dumbells At The Crowd" Bull.

He could be raised in a household where the punishment for being disrespectful is very heavy or simply feel like he must be respectful to make it far.

His politeness to Mac could reflect how he was treated during his childhood, showing the one thing he (probably) lacked: Kindness, it would probably hurt him to see someone so young have to go through stuff similiar to what he went through.

Bear Hugger

Bear Hugger is very jolly, if you whip up a dictionary and look for the definition of "Positive" hes there.

Unlike Disco Kid, he probably hasn't gone through stuff worse than losing his money, he's shown to be very cheerful and jokes around often, even during the fight. But hes also seen taking great care to train properly, even with a bear.

But then TD hits him.. Like a paper plane. He climbs a mountain and gets a squirrel, then what? Same attitude as before. Changing altitudes once isn't enough to change this mans attitude.

But then again.. Him being connected to nature could be seen as him being distant from people and finding comfort in animals more, but thats a long stretch.

Great Tiger

Great Tiger is.. Confusing to say the least. In his contender cutscene hes shown flying, And thats not much substance unless you wanna think like a english teacher and overthink everything.

Hes shown to be very arrogant and bully Mac a little bit, not to the point where hes going off on him but some little banter. He also takes the fight seriously unlike someone else in the major circuit. (**cough** bear hugger **COUGH COUGH**) Probably because of the reason he gets congratulated to hell & back for teleporting around. (which is impressive, i wont lie)

Even though he might be a arrogant person, he puts in some real work, using his clones to confuse Mac, using his teleporting to his advantage, mans going all out.

And in his TD cutscenes, he literally trains his ass off to beat Mac.

But he isn't all serious, he messes with doc & Mac, brings a entire ass carpet.

Don Flamenco

One little glare at his contender cutscene and you can guess what hes about. Hes flirty, hes strong and most importantly: he has issues! Fill out all the rows on your bingo card!

Hes suave, hes full of sass, And hes cool while doing it. Except for when that toupe gets knocked off, after that point theres no going back for you. He goes all out and goes down in the most overdramatic way possible.

All that attention seeking could be him not getting enough attention as a child or simply needing validation to thrive.

His TD cutscene opens up another door for us however, he goes mad when he sees mac's face, this much of a extreme reaction could be him wanting the attention back on him instead of Mac.

Aran Ryan

This man is certainly not sane. Lets get that out of the way first. Hes hyperactive, constantly yelling, up to no good. Hes basically the definition of insane.

Also, its stated that he will do anything to win. ANYTHING. He wears horseshoes in his gloves for fucks sake! This could imply that he doesn't have anything other than boxing.

His insanity also could be the product of.. Say it with me.. Childhood Trauma! To act like that, you probably have to go through some stuff, maybe he could have developed it to protect himself from bullying.

His mishievious behavior could also be explained by said insanity mentioned above.

His TD is another can of worms for us, by anything, they meant it. He's stealing glowes and making them into a flail, which shows some hints of creativity in the worst way possible...

He's shown being booed by the crowd, yet he still continues his usual stuff, showing that he doesn't really care about anything except winning at this point.

Soda Popinski

Soda is.. Confusing, he doesn't have much of a pattern to his behavior unlike the other boxers, And thats saying something considering who we went through before him.

He's a shown using steroids, maybe he could not trust his own skills to carry him far or feel like he HAS to win. But instead of training his ass of he does some doping, And it clearly has a effect on him, he gets faster, stronger and more of a issue.

And have you seen this mans reaction when you knock away his soda bottle? He goes insane. He starts going all out on a kid, this could be the sign of a addiction or dependency..

Bald Bull

This man is mad, in all ways possible. He's seen having issues regarding his anger (that is justified.) and hes SO FUCKING RIGHT TO GET ANGRY!! He basically has zero privacy, in the first frame his first slideshow (contender) hes calm and not very bothered about the paparazzi, but he gets more angry as the paparazzi gets more hasty, resulting in him getting pissed off.

He clearly has low frustration tolerance, And is not having a good time managing it. His low frustration tolerance & anger could be him not getting help for his mental health when he was younger and it getting worse.

That gets proved even more when you look at his TD slideshow, he gets hit by a bull instead of getting therapy, how did he think of that but not, you know.. Getting help? It could be that he was raised to believe getting help was a sign of weakness.

Super Macho Man

He's practically in love with himself, hes rich, hes tan and hes flexing on us all.

His flexing could be how he wants attention,somewhat similiar to don flamenco. His TD slideshow implies that a bit more as well, seeing Mac getting all the attention he wants pisses him off a lot.

He's basically all for attention, his personality doesn't boil down to it since hes a bit suave as well and also trains a lot.

Mr Sandman

Sandman is.. Very mysterious, his contender slideshow shows him kicking ass, sort of implying hes very career focused.

His TD slideshow pushes this further bt having him wreck a building from anger, he 100% is focused on his career.

He could have trained all his life to become a champion.

[ticktockbuster]

GLASS JOE HEADCANNONS!!!

Let me explain before anyone thinks this is racist. Because we don't want that here, no!

In this little world, we have the WVBA, an association where you have to fight against stereotypical boxers from around the world. Before, these boxers were separated into three groups, the Minor Circuit, the Major Circuit, and the World Circuit, pretty much all of that changed after the new Italian-American boxer became the world's boxing champion, which encouraged the others to rise to the top just a little in order to prove themselves, while the rest just settled in to train and/or waited themselves to get their revenge. Now, all of our iconic boxers are in the World Circuit and are still living it up to it after Little Mac's retirement.

Everyone knows how each boxer is. All of them are all based on their stereotypical nationality (minus Mr. Sandman, even though the wiki has stereotypes of himself, is just not enough to be cartoony… except for the fact he destroyed a building with his bare hands. Like cheese and rice, dude chill). After reading the wiki, I thought of the idea that instead of the boxers being stereotypical, why not the background characters? I'm just adding that since I think it would make things more interesting and funny since I'm basing this on cartoon logic.

Glass Joe.

So let's start here. The first fighter we meet is a guy named Glass Joe, a french boxer straight from the city of Paris

The French don't like fighting.

For Glass Joe, it seems like he doesn't mind boxing. I think what it is implying here is that the French do not like hurting anyone or have a grudge against anybody. This mostly involves outside of the ring. If some random guy wanted to pick a fight with him for no absolute reason, he'd probably decline and try to settle things like a mature adult (if he's brave enough). And boxing? It's different, since you're not punching to cause harm to anyone, you're fighting because it's a part of the sport, and as long as his opponent is playing by the sport and doesn't mind getting damaged then he can carry on with the match.

The French love their own cuisine to an extreme level, often eating baguettes and croissants, and drinking coffee several times a day.

The French frequently visit the Eiffel Tower and Arc De Triomphe.

As the introduction slides go by, we see Glass Joe with a cup of coffee and baguettes along with the two famous landmarks of Paris behind him. He's proud of his nationality. Heck, his defeat ended with croissants and baguettes flying all over the ring. What's not more French about that.

The French are not skilled in what they do, but enjoy doing it anyway.

To make a point, he does seem to be well maintained at what he does despite him having about 100 losses. That 1 win in his boxing records is probably the one thing that gave him the determination to continue on.

(Fun Fact : Glass Joe's defeated Nick Bruiser. By accident. Like how the-).

The French are usually seen as cowardly and very weak.

Maybe he is. It all depends.

If he were in a bad situation, he would either stay quiet or be scared, but if it was really frightening, then he would panic, ALOT. (Sort of like shaggy from Scooby-Doo). But that doesn't mean he would hide in his house all day. his an independent man and goes out for important things to complete, also has appointments with his doctor to keep track of his health and if he's in a good mood, he will go to a nearby café and order his favorite. You guessed it, coffee and fresh French bread.

Glass Joe seems to be the guy who is clumsy at times but is also very cautious with his surroundings. He can also sometimes be critical to others. In Contender mode, the TV shows information about Little Mac and Glass Joe. You can see how he looks at Mac with some judgment in his eyes. He's probably thinking that boxing a teenager has to be absurd, but then again, we have magic and horseshoes and an islander with no proper information about himself whatsoever, and -

More surprisingly, he acts confident around Little Mac probably because he feels comfortable with him as his opponent. In Title Defense mode, he comes back with a more assertive attitude pretty much because of the helmet he was given. Little poised Frenchman. I would also like to add that when he gets angry, it wouldn't be all too intimidating, though it is enough to make you chuckle. Similar to how you'd Mickey Mouse angry. I'm pretty sure it sums it up. He would have enough courage to correct someone, but if it's to the wrong person, he will immediately regret it afterward, especially if the person appears to be stronger than him. The time he fears somebody is the way they present themselves, and if that person has all the red flags, then he's sure not getting near them. You can't be too sure people are friendly nowadays, and he makes sure to observe carefully. He observes people by their actions and their appearances whether they look tall and intimidating or are aggressive and violent or if they're just straight up spooky and just stare at you with empty eyes, he'll try to avoid them as much as he can, though he doesn't always succeeds as he keeps finding himself stuck in the place, and that would always result with him getting into a bit if a pickle, in other words, getting into the most chaotic of situations you could ever imagination. He feels safer back in his country, and being in America might not have been easy for him. Though he managed, he gathered up the courage to forge on, and he's determined to make his one dream come true and become the world's boxing champion!... somehow.

[wweallresultspage]

Impact Wrestling Throwback Throwdown III - IPWF Rival Survival Results - December 2, 2022

Pre-show: "The Mysterious" Mr. E (Shogun) def. Lazer in 4:29

1. Rapid Delivery Pete (Rich Swann) def. Monty Moonlight (Zicky Dice) in 5:06

2. Bill Ding (Trey Miguel) def. Jack Hammer (Andrew Everett) in a Clock Out Match in 8:03

3. Georgia Cobb (Jordynne Grace) def. Wanda the Werewoman (Savannah Evans) in 6:50

4. Brian "Bone" Crunchin (Brian Myers) & Shane Douglas def. Editor-in-Chief (Chris Sabin) & The Paper Boy (Jack Price) in 5:55

5. Monsieur Baguette (Mike Bailey) def. Otis Oates (Deaner) in 6:49

6. Tommy Dreamer def. Pelvis Wesley (Heath) in 7:51

7. Colonel Corn (John E. Bravo) def. Tommy Dreamer in 2:48

8. Busty Transmission (ODB) & Smoky Muffler (Mickie James) def. Lucy Luau (Gisele Shaw) & Tina Tiki (Tasha Steelz) in 7:58

9. Johnny Swinger def. Biff Knuckles (John Skyler) and Keaton Fox (Jason Hotch) in a 3-Way Match in 5:33 to win the IPWF Exciting Division Championship

10. Tori Nailbiter (Rosemary) def. Rusty Iron (Gia Miller) in 6:11

11. DJ 2Large (Moose) def. Buck Humphrey (Kaleb With A K) in 9:29

12. Colt McCoy (Eddie Edwards), Frank the Butcher (Rhino), Giuseppe Scovelli Jr. (Josh Mathews), Giuseppe Scovelli Sr. (Scott D'Amore), & Tim Burr (Josh Alexander) def. Devon Damon (Crowbar), Lord Humongous (Kon), Manfred the Mad Mammal (The Beer City Bruiser), & Neptune (Shera) in a 5-on-4 Handicap Elimination Match in 15:25

[sailormouthed]

femme: four vignettes.

this same time last year, i wrote a series of vignettes; specifically, i wrote what i’d want to say to six of my lovers if i only had 60 seconds. over the past year (and likely due in part to our current hellish political and cultural climate), i realized that the women in my life have had far more of an impact on me than any lover has. and over the past same year, there are four women in particular -- two who just recently came into my life, one who has known me for years, and one who has known me forever -- who have shaped my world in ways seemingly impossible to describe, but in this piece i tried. these are for them.

// 01.  my firecracker, my little bruiser, my spunky, filthy-mouthed tornado. you flatly refuse to be tamed; insist on getting everything you want, and unapologetically dispose of everything you don’t. men (read: boys) fall for you like dominoes, and who wouldn’t? the mother-of-pearl borne out of grit and dirt and jagged edges, a shining goddess in combat boots. you melt into evening gowns and fancy lingerie the same way you’d breeze through a seedy downtown back alley, effortless and unfazed. but when you ever so slightly let your guard down; when you let your soft ember-glow flicker through the wires of the chain-link fence surrounding you; when i see a young, fledgling superhero of a woman who so deeply cares for the broken, who wants everybody around her to grow spines and limbs and become just as strong as she is:  that’s when i love you the most. but keep the gate to that fence locked, girl. your light is too warm, too stunning, too far-reaching. show it only to the ones who won’t shield their eyes and turn their heads, the ones who will see it for what it’s worth. the rest can take you at face value -- a cutthroat, take-no-prisoners heartbreaker who will leave as swiftly as she came. and they can die mad about it.

// 02.  my scholar, my girl Friday, my continental, worldly little ball of wanderlust. when i think of you, i think of you fondly; wrapped in an overcoat and signature Pashmina scarf, clutching some kind of curious object -- a weathered, thick-bound book of 19th-century poetry (Keats, naturally), a paper bag of fresh baguettes -- and hurriedly dashing about the cobblestone streets of some bustling European town, smiling at everybody, asking the corner florist of the seasonality of her arrangements, treating every soul you run into as one entirely worthy of your time and your interest. the ocean at dusk, a Degas painting, the dusty scrabble of your blue-collar Appalachian hometown -- you have an uncanny, stirring ability to find the beauty in absolutely everything. and though i see you maybe every six months, rushed get-togethers for old-fashioneds and feminist tirades, in these brief visits each time i realize the magnitude of your beauty, and the strides i have taken in learning to find my own. i’m not an actress, yet all the same i like to think i understand the desire to contort yourself into multiple identities -- it’s a natural urge, one that comes with the uncertain haze of your early 20s. but i hope you, in particular, never change.

// 03.  my angel in Doc Martens, my punk rock princess, my Marilyn. you somersaulted into my life in a hurry, a tumbleweed-frenzy of Jameson shots and make-everything-hurt laughter, and now i can’t imagine a moment without you there. you have a razor for a tongue and a bible full of defense mechanisms, yet all the same i don’t think i’ve ever known someone with as feverish of a desire to be loved the same way you can. you are brilliant to the point of intimidation, beautiful to the point of absurdity, and whether it’s your own hair salon, or Portland, Oregon, or a sweet boy with rough hands and a wit you can barely catch up with -- i want so much for you. so much more for you. you deserve leaps and bounds further than our shitty little town will ever provide, but unlike the doubt and suspicion that surrounds you like a moat sometimes, i know one day you will look in the mirror -- really look deep, not merely glancing -- and see the capability and wisdom and beauty lying within you. i’ve wanted to leave for forever. come find paradise with me.

// 04.  my mama. the picture of grace, the epitome of poise, the living embodiment of hard work and unconditional love. some days the only redeeming quality i’m able to find in myself is how much of you i see in me. but the most obvious now, the older and more increasingly restless i get, is this fervent yearning for escape. my therapist tells me this is a very poetic way of saying i sidestep anything with the possibility of being the slightest bit emotionally unpleasant. leave, avoid. run, evade. tomato, tomahto. and you left. left a situation so horrific i have this vague feeling you’ve yet to tell me even the half, and found solace in the arms of a man whose arms turned to death grips. twenty-two years later and you’re still there, picking up the shattered pieces of your own heart the same way you picked up the shattered pieces of the flower vase hurled off the back deck, the same way you picked your howling son up off the floor of the pizza place months before the doctors could tell you what was wrong with him, the same way you picked me up and rocked me to sleep the night my own world splintered into jagged shards of glass. the same way you’ve always picked up every mess. it’s an unsettling feeling, wanting to erase the past that literally brought me into this world, but goddamn it, mama, you need more than a break. for ages all i wanted was to get rich and buy you your own private island, your own little pink-sanded sliver of paradise, far and away from the storm you’ve spent your whole life battering so nobody else gets wet. but i see so much of myself in you, remember, so maybe i’ll just try my damnedest to live the life you deserved. i’ll never be rich, but maybe i can be happy. maybe i can find help in picking up the mess. i love you, mama.

[plunderbunny]

HELL YES SUPERHERO LEAGUE OF HOBOKEN MENTIONED that game is so underrated, I love it so much Also Senbei Senshi and Le Baguette Bruiser are fun, they'd definitely fit in with the Superhero League of Hoboken. Team them up with Tropical Oil Man and Mademoiselle Pepperoni for a food-based goofy superhero squad

Oh, nooo… What have we done. I was talking with ChatGPT a bit, and we somehow came up with the most ridiculous super hero parody. In fact, we made two of them. These are basically Superhero League of Hoboken fan characters, since they're so insanely silly. Check it out. —

The Senbei Senshi

Backstory: Trained in the ancient and sacred art of cracker combat by a hidden order of health-conscious monks, the Senbei Senshi travels the world promoting balance, discipline, and healthy snacking. Born in a pristine rice paddy at the foot of Mount Fuji, he views anything made with wheat or processed grains as inferior. He has rejected modern snack culture in favor of pure, unadulterated senbei.

Powers:

Rice Cracker Shuriken: Throws razor-sharp senbei that can slice through steel… or so he claims.

Gluten-Free Gale: Creates a whirlwind of health-conscious crackers to overwhelm his enemies, forcing them into submission with guilt over their poor snack choices.

Organic Smokescreen: Disappears into a puff of flourless rice powder when cornered, leaving behind a faint smell of soy sauce and a lecture on clean eating.

Fennel Finish: His ultimate move, where he hurls extra-thick taralli-like crackers at high velocity, boasting about their “subtle, refined flavors.”

Personality: The Senbei Senshi is the epitome of smug, constantly reminding everyone of the virtues of his rice crackers and why they’re nutritionally superior. He believes he’s a beacon of righteousness, showing the world the “correct” way to snack. His superiority complex is so massive that he refuses to even acknowledge the existence of other snacks, considering them unworthy. He speaks in dramatic, hushed tones, as though every cracker he tosses carries the weight of a centuries-old legacy.

Commentary: Picture a stoic, noble warrior dedicated to the way of the rice cracker. He believes his gluten-free, artisanal rice-based projectiles are far superior to anything his opponents could possibly muster. His fighting style is flawless, of course, and his moves are always accompanied by a smug speech about the purity of his rice crackers and the health benefits they bring.

This guy is just dying for a comic series or a cameo in a game like The Superhero League of Hoboken. He could be a perfect fit as a guest character who tries way too hard to impress the main team, only to be constantly mocked for his self-righteous attitude. —

Le Baguette Bruiser

Backstory: Le Baguette Bruiser — real name Jean-Pierre Croûte — was born in a small French village, raised on the finest bread in the world. From a young age, he trained in the art of baking, mastering the perfect crust, the soft interior, and the unmistakable crack of a freshly baked baguette. But Jean-Pierre found his true calling when he realized that bread wasn’t just for eating—it could also be a weapon of great power. Now, he travels the world, defending the honor of bread, especially the crusty French variety, using his baguettes to fight injustice (and unhealthy snacks).

Powers:

Baguette Baton: Wields a super-hardened baguette that can break through anything from shields to bad attitudes. The crispier the crust, the deadlier the blow.

Pain d’Éclair (Bread Lightning): Throws his baguettes with lightning speed, each hit delivering a crispy shock that knocks enemies off balance.

Bread Barrage: Summons an endless stream of freshly baked baguettes from his legendary bread oven, launching them in rapid succession like a bread-based machine gun.

Crusty Counter: When struck, he hardens his baguette to absorb the impact, then retaliates with an even crispier strike.

Personality: Le Baguette Bruiser is the definition of a proud French artisan. He believes that bread is life itself, and no meal is complete without a perfectly baked baguette. His pride in French cuisine knows no bounds, and he is constantly lamenting the rise of what he calls “inferior” bread substitutes, like crackers or flatbreads. He has a bit of a snobbish streak, but his heart is in the right place. He respects other culinary cultures, but only as long as they acknowledge the supremacy of bread.

Jean-Pierre, despite his deep love for all things French and his borderline fanaticism for le pain, has always found croissants to be too soft, too buttery, and too flaky for his tastes. In his mind, the true essence of French bread is its crust, and the baguette embodies that perfectly. He respects the craftsmanship that goes into making croissants, but to him, they’re just “fancy breakfast fluff” compared to the hard-earned, battle-ready crust of a freshly baked baguette.

Commentary: He has a friendly rivalry with the Senbei Senshi, constantly challenging him to see which is superior: rice-based snacks or grain-based bread. The two often clash in the kitchen and on the battlefield, each believing their culinary creation holds the key to ultimate satisfaction.

This matchup would be legendary. Imagine the Senbei Senshi and Le Baguette Bruiser engaging in a duel of snacks, with bread flying one way and rice crackers the other, all while passionately lecturing about their superiority in their respective crafts. The humor would be top-tier, especially if they grudgingly team up against a common enemy—perhaps someone like The Crouton Crusher, who desecrates both rice and bread by turning them into… salads!