#Back at it again with the francis art because im obsessed with him

[d-a-n-n-y-y]

Seen some of these types of francis fanarts where he killed those D.D.D guys so i thought i make one myself🔥/hj

(edit: original😭)

[glorioussimon]

underappreciated things about rise 1x06: bring me stanton

sorry about spamming these things but i want to watch rise

i love this episode

coach driving gwen to school and buying her a smoothie

and gwen rejecting it

i don’t understand a fucking word of what coach is saying when they’re at football practice this is like another language

why does robbie’s football understudy look vaguely like archie from riverdale

clark is wearing a striped shirt that looks kind of like the one that sean wore in dwsa!! otto solidarity

when lou asks for a drumroll sasha could not possibly look more unenthusiastic

MAASHOUS LOVES HIS SET SO MUCH

“please don’t touch, maashous is very protective of his handiwork” 

irrelevant but harmony is so cute and i would die for her

the siremy glances!! you already know what the fuck is up

michael Knows

when maashous makes the smokestacks blow out real smoke and the troupe gets so excited

anabelle kind of pats him on the back and it’s really cute

maashous’s bow when everyone’s applauding. he looks so happy i love him

whenever i see the “let’s make drama” poster thing i think it says “let’s make obama”. this happens every time and i am sick of it

lilette crying when she’s explaining why she can’t come to rehearsal makes me so sad i hate this

tracey is wearing a super cool dress with suns and stars on it

jeremy’s little run when he’s trying to catch up to simon

simon doesn’t look directly at jeremy for a long time

jeremy looks almost scared when simon calls him back after he starts to leave

simon doesn’t say that he isn’t into jeremy, or that he doesn’t want to be with him. he says that he can’t.

jeremy’s hand on simon’s shoulder

simon kissing him back. this is underappreciated everyone talks about this i just feel that i have to mention it

when he kisses jeremy you can see how much simon not just wants, but needs this. for these few seconds he’s finally letting his guard down, letting himself feel something. which is what makes it so heartbreaking when he forces himself to run away.

god i love simon saunders so much i want to love and support him so badly

the fact that their rehearsals start at nine. i’m imagining rehearsing from 9 - midnight(?) and i feel like dying these kids are so devoted to this show

lou wanting to lock the kids in the basement for the date night

lou whispering “i’m excited”

do yall remember when the rise instagram used the picture of tracey looking behind her when she hears sasha and boyfriend arguing and put it next to the picture of simon looking at condoms so it looked like she had caught him

i really wish that they had introduced sasha at least a little bit prior to this episode because i watched rise with my mom and like, i was obsessed with the show so i knew everyone’s names but she, a casual watcher, had no idea who the fuck this girl was

tracey not forcing sasha to talk about what’s happening

tracey hugging her

i would kill a man for tracey wolfe

gwen asking gordy to skip school with her

and gordy wanting to but refusing because he’s trying to be better

saint gordy

gordy looking back at gwen

“hey anabelle you’re looking especially radiant today” i take it all back i hate simon saunders

anabelle is wearing what my dad would call a “power flannel”

who is jeremy even talking to in this scene i didn’t realize that he had friends outside of the troupe

when simon kisses anabelle on the cheek it’s so awkward

neither of them know what to say i hate this

the square smokestack

maashous is fifteen i’m older than him what the fuck

i have to protect him i’m his mom now

the picture of gwen in coach’s office

dramatic music plays in the background as robbie struts into coach’s office

i’m sorry robbie i love you but i could not give less of a shit about your troy bolton storyline

“you know the nurse’s office gives these out for free, right?” “yeah, they don’t have the same selection though”

everything that simon says in this scene is...certainly something

“now i just need a scented candle and some breath mints” this is. literally the gayest thing that simon has ever said

lilette instantly realizing that simon is trying to prove that he’s straight by doing this

ted sutherland and auli’i cravalho are two of the most beautiful people i’ve ever seen in my life

when sasha asked if there’s any place in pennsylvania that doesn’t follow the parental consent rule my first thought was “alexa play whispering”

i wish that we had seen more of their version of the guilty ones

clark’s mom makes me jump every time

clark looks like he’s ready for death

no one know how to react to this

the saga of michael and the midterm

jolene blaming robbie and football for the late rehearsals

and lilette defending him

michael trying to organize a walkout

simon starts yelling but you can’t hear him what is he so pissed about

jeremy looking at simon as he’s leaving

was vanessa suing anton ever going to go anywhere or did she just drop it? it’s never mentioned again so idk??

“for the first time in my life, i’m part of something i actually believe in.” im love lilette suarez

“i don’t wanna talk about spring awakening” gail @ lou, but also all of my friends @ me

i love what lou is saying about art here

“that’s the point of art, right? to reflect the world, to take something raw and painful, maybe even hopeless, and make it beautiful?”

gail and lou’s first date!!

it’s very clear that maashous and lou didn’t tell anyone that they were about to destroy the set

the best reaction is michael’s but honorable mention goes to harmony and lilette

no one remembers the bookstore

“ah. amazon.”

of course lou’s favorite author is f. scott fitzgerald

title drop: “this set, it was always gonna be a reflection of the world we live in. so let’s embrace that. bring me stanton.” - lou

i love the montage of the troupe finding stuff for the set

the fact that there’s no indication if they asked before taking this stuff. this could very well all be stolen

the understudies all looking for stuff together

clark and jeremy practicing the bitch of living choreography on the chairs they find

the picture of baby gwen and coach

they didn’t bother to erase the texts that gwen sent in earlier takes so she’s just sent the same text tons of time

clark being worried about mr. mazzu knowing that they’re breaking into the steel mill

“gordy’s way cooler than his dad” “which isn’t saying much”

maashous stopping to look and everyone else leaving him behind

“that’s a felony!” “shut up, simon” someone is a mood here but i can’t tell who

no one knows how to react when gwen breaks the boards off

michael just wanting to leave

jolene bringing booze

michael’s little “desperate, much?” in the background

lilette and robbie making out in the storage room

maashous is clearly drunk and it’s fucking hilarious

gwen grabbing gordy’s hand is so smooth

gordy taking a sip of beer and clearly realizing that he shouldn’t be

robbie going to lou with his problems

robbie talking about how much he loves football

the cops interrupting simon and anabelle

the troupe just. running

coach is buddies with the cops

robbie refusing to quit football or the show

again, did simon ask before he took the window from the church

i love the music in this scene!!

lou is so happy with the jukebox

francis and violet run up onto the stage to see the railroad stuff and it’s cute

happy maashous!! a gift to this world

sasha and tracey talking

it’s very clear that no one was informed about the huge-ass sign. they’re all stunned

i always tear up when the set is revealed

everyone clapping for maashous

tracey being with sasha when she tells her dad that she’s pregnant

gordy telling his mom that he needs help

robbie sadly watching from the bench

and all of this happening while lilette sings mama who bore me

vanessa crying when she sees lilette on stage

and now i’m crying too

[specswritesstuff]

A little continuation of my last fic for these two, the middle school dance one. It’s awhile in the future, a year or two I’d say!! This is for fun so there will be errors!!! Feel free to let me know what you think!

((Fruk: Dating isn’t easy))

Being a freshman in an American highschool wasn’t too easy. Being a 5’5 native French speaker wasn’t too easy either when he was surrounded by fluent English speakers and huge football players. Highschool was intimidating...But what was more intimidating for Francis was love

Of course an Englishman had won his heart. Francis’ neighbor, Arthur Kirkland, has lived in America a bit longer than Francis had. They grew up fighting with sticks instead of swords, spending the night at eachothers houses and baking on rainy afternoons. Middle school separated them a bit. Sure they went to their dance together, that was lovely, but they both did things after school resulting in less time for them to spend together.

Francis had fencing lessons and he ran his school’s art club...Arthur was the head of student council so they rarely saw eachother. Naturally, Francis wanted to make things different. He’d made an effort all year to be talking to Arthur. He joined student concil with him, walked home with him and always made sure to listen to all of those wild stories Arthur had. “You wouldn’t even believe it, Francis. Mr. Thorne gave me a C- on that math quiz! Utter bullocks I tell you” “Ah, you still did better than me on that, cher”

Once they warmed back up to eachother again...They found themselves hanging out more. Arthur would have Francis over for dinner- The Kirkland household was very disorganized with its six kids- and Francis would have Arthur over on the weekends to watch stupid American movies together. Usually they fell asleep on eachothers shoulders...

Of course Francis just adored this! He had missed his best friend...They lived next door to eachother yet they barely spoke but now? Now they were close like before.

“Cher?” Francis murmured, laying on Arthur’s bed with the sheets pulled around his shoulders. Arthur was doing his chemistry homework, biting the end of his pen in thought

“Hm..?”

“Would you like to come over for dinner tomorrow?”

“Yeah, I like your house more-“

“Well- I mean as something else...”

“Like a date then..?” They looked up at eachother, stupid blushes rising on their cheeks

“It’s fine if you don’t want to, don’t feel compelled to say yes-“

“No! No I do want to come. What time..? Tomorrow is a Saturday so Dylan has lacrosse...” Arthur pushed his hair out of his face, rubbing the back of his neck nervously

“How about five?” Francis offered, earning a nod from Arthur in return. He laid back down with a dorky smile, turning away a bit so Arthur couldn’t see

••••

When morning rolled around, the Bonnefoy household was turned upside down. Francis was a whirlwind cleaning. He put little Michelle in her room “If you come out before I’m done cleaning the vacuum will eat you!”...Of course Mrs. Bonnefoy did not approve of that. Their house had to look perfect though, Francis refused to let it look like a pig pen. He found Cheerios in the couch cushions, change on their kitchen floor and...A bunch of ripped up tissues around the trash can.

Francis spent all morning cleaning and once one o’clock hit, he started on the desert he’d share with his Englishman. A cheesecake, Francis’ favorite treat, with strawberries and blueberries, Arthur’s favorite fruits. His parents helped him prepare the beef stew he planned on serving and his sisters collected flowers, and weeds, from the garden for to make a somewhat ugly boquet.

Everyone was in good spirits. Francis’ parents were excited for this little date. They’ve known the Kirklands for eight years now and they’ve always thought that Arthur was a wonderful young lad. Francis’ sisters were having fun helping decorate, making sure to chirp “Franny’s having a date~ Franny’s having a date~” over and over as they tied flowers with ribbons. Everything was just going to be perfect.

Francis got his family to eat in the kitchen while he took over the dining room, lighting his coconut scented candles and dimming the lights like he saw in movies. He combed his hair for the billionth time and put his contacts in, obsessing over the time. It was four thirty...

He messed around with his retainer, clicking the little container for it open and closed for awhile before hiding it in the bathroom. Five o’clock.

Francis stood at the door, peeking out of the peephole, just waiting for him to arrive...

Five thirty...Francis was pacing, his family watching with sad but encouraging smiles “He’ll he over soon, garçon, it isn’t like him to forget” He shrugged at his papa, deciding to pace in the dining room instead.

Six o’clock. The food was now cold...Francis put it in the oven to try to warm it up but he knew that it wouldn’t taste as good now that he’d left it cold for too long

Six thirty. His sisters came to keep him company, sitting at the dining room table with him “He’ll come! Maybe he’s just nervous!” Francis sighed and rubbed his face “Maybe...”

Eight thirty rolled around soon enough. Michelle and Angelique were sent to bed and Francis’ parents made their way into the dining room, frowning at their son who was staring at his candle, his eyes dull...sad

“Francis...Bebe, I think...I think you should put this in the fridge” “But he might be coming-!” “Francis...” the teenager looked up at his parents and scoffed, standing abruptly to hurry past them, practically running up the stairs to slam his bedroom door behind him. Francis threw himself onto his bed and cried softly...Why did he ever think this would work...He checked his phone, no new messages. Not even anything from Arthur...

“Idiot...Why did I think this was a good idea...”

••••

Arthur had been trying to call Francis all morning. He knew Francis was seeing his calls...He was just sending him to voicemail each time

Eventually, he’d had enough. Arthur threw a jacket on over his pajamas and walked over the driveway that separated their houses, knocking on the Bonnefoys’ door

Francis’ papa was the one who answered, a shorter man with black hair pulled back into a ponytail “Oh...Arthur. I don’t think Francis wants to see you” Arthur frowned “Is he awake?” “Oui, uh...He told me not to let you in”

Arthur rubbed his face “Mr. Bonnefoy...I’ve been trying to get ahold of him all morning, I swear...Im just here to apologize” Mr. Bonnefoy relented, calling inside for Francis to come downstairs. Arthur could barely understand, he hadn’t taken French lessons since sixth grade.

Francis trudged down the stairs in his pink robe, his hair in foam curlers and bags under his eyes, glaring daggers at Arthur. His papa left them alone, Francis crossing his arms and leaning against the door frame, staring expectantly at him

“Well?”

“Francis, Love-“ “Don’t ‘love’ me Arthur! Do you know what you did?-“ “I know! I know i should have called-!” “You made me look like an absolute fool in front of my family! I spent all day getting ready for you and this is what I get-?” “Francis you know I didn’t mean to miss this-!” “You should have called or something! Idiot! Don’t you know what a cellphone is?! I waited for you until almost nine o’clock last night! I just sat and waited for you because I just hoped that last night would not just be a terrible failure! I wanted it to be special because I miss doing things with you! I made you a cheesecake dammit!” He covered his face and Arthur felt his heart break.

He pulled Francis into a hug and sighed, closing his eyes and resting his head on his shoulder “I’m sorry...I really am sorry...Yesterday was so busy...Dylan had his game, Allistor popped our tire...Peter got lost in the mechanic’s...My parents insisted that we went to Wendy’s for dinner...We didn’t get home until almost eleven and...We’ll I guess I’d hoped you would still be up. Your house’s lights were all off when I got there though...”

Francis held onto him loosely, sighing and listening though he was still rather upset “You never told me...” “I know...” “You owe me...”

Arthur pulled back and ran his hands over Francis’ back soothingly “How about I take you to Olive Garden?” “How about you come in and just have cheesecake for breakfast with me instead?”

They both smiled at eachother and Francis tugged Arthur inside. He couldn’t stay mad at him forever...It was better to just let it go than to hold a grudge. And to be quite honest, it felt so good to be with Arthur again. Arthur promised not to do that again...And Francis promised that if Arthur did leave him hanging like that again, he would never cook for him again

:)

((Just a little warmup lol I haven’t really written on here in awhile!! 😅😅))

[elvesofnoldor]

i screened my thesis project again today along with my classmates, and honestly it went way better than yesterday, so my state of being has gone from “death” to “i think i’m a neurotypical now!!” even though i have a group assignment worth 30% due tomorrow and we more or less just started lol (i got it under control though, its just a fake grant application for a hypothetical arts project). Yesterday, and today morning, I was really worried about “grainy” images--they were not very grainy at all, but they aren’t the most pleasing visuals either.  i can’t really help with it beside making images too soft on edges or with a editing software plug in, so whatever, the images look better when they are projected anyways. 

More people showed up, no one walked out--and a prof who apparently walked out on many other classmates’ presentations stayed for mine and said he liked mine. Couple of more people complimented my project. Oh boy I kinda wish he’s grading my project now, because the profs grading my project were not fans lmao! (Francis--one of the profs grading my project--said the video essay was “very good” but im pretty sure she doesnt like the film itself, which is understandable considering that i basically shot it myself and had some help from a friend). I actually have such complicated feelings about this prof that liked my film (hes called scott). Like, first of all, i think i have a good shot at getting an A in his European films course right now, and he actually LECTURED in this course while he didn’t really do that for any other courses he taught in lol (i got ok grades in his two other courses but not an A yet). On one hand, Scott is just a very typical fine art department prof for not giving a heck in terms of lecturing, but on the other hand, hes super cultured and actually pretty laid back. His lecture in the European cinema class is so rich in content that I think if i recorded his one hour lecture and edited it, it’d be a very solid film editorial. He’s a cool leftist dude, he just doesnt give a heck sometimes. Anyways, my little short film is based on Wong Kar Wai’s aesthetic, and in Scott’s comment, he said that he could see how wong kar wai and Godard (a French new wave pioneer) influenced my short film, and considering that he didnt seem to stay for any other people’s project, I’m pretty sure that the fact that my film reminded him of one of the new wave filmmaker is THE reason he stayed for mine. Ofc he’s the only one who could truly appreciate it. Obviously, weird/unconventional story structure basing off obscure aesthetic influence just doesn’t go well with 0 dollar budget and mediocre film equipment and no professional help! But most importantly! No professional help! This would have worked out if the profs kept in mind the limitation we have and the limitation they have while they graded us!!! Godard also shot with basically no budget as well, but again he was a PIONEER--that’s why his films are any value in this time and day. 

Our class is meeting the thesis course’s profs again on this Wednesday, because we need to discuss our final project submission. i really want my profs to give me feedback on the changes they want, cause i need to give my shot at getting a decent grade in this 6 units course (a full year course done in one term, actually). I already got into grad school, and i dont think anything above B- would ruin my GPA--tbh I’m expecting a B or B+, and i’d throw a goddamn party if i manage to get a A- with the grade i got from mid term presentation (i participated a lot and attended all the classes and got a A- on my proposal, its just that one shit ass grade on mid term). It’s not fucking fair though, I could have a shot at A-, but they didnt properly explain what they wanted from me--or anyone tbh--on the mid term presentation and gave me shit grade for their own incompetence lol! I’m not the only ones who dislike them--most of the class don’t. I could have gotten an ok grade for my mid term if i knew what they wanted! It’s not like I’m not capable of providing the information at the time! Like I said before, they failed people (not me, thank shit) on the mid term based on arbitrary terms. They also got into trouble later because five people out of 26 ppl in the class have gone to our department head and complained lol! And i know the class in general didnt do great on the 25% mid term presentation. So for our final 35% of the mark? They better grade us according to the resources we are given! which is none!!!  They were seriously no help whatsoever, and I will shit on them till I fucking die lol. I don’t shit on profs or teachers often, but how they structured and dealt with the class was beyond unacceptable. i didn’t really talk to one of them, but today at the dinner, she said it to my face--”well we told you, you can’t shoot a film on your own”. WELL SHIT BITCH! YOU DIDN’T GIVE ME ANY SUGGESTION ON WHAT I SHOULD HAVE DONE INSTEAD WHEN KNOW I DONT REALLY HAVE HELP, AND YOU ARE FUCKING PAID TO DO THAT!! SO!! The only positive thing that came out of this experience is that i figured out that i dont wanna have anything to do with shooting on set or directing after this project, because coordinating people and putting together a crew are NOT my strongest suit and I accept that a little too late. If I wasn’t so obsess with wong kar wai, i might have see reason early on...but oh well, i did this, and at least im not doing something like that ever again. To be honest, im in film because im most passionated about story construction anyways, so after my M.A, hopefully I can have a strong enough profolio to apply for screenwriting program. I think i should really write a featured screenplay over the summer, they are easier to churn out and i gotta do it for my career lol. The longest consistent thing i’ve written is a 20 pages short story, but i also wrote that in only two nights. I just gotta sit down and do the stuff, cause i either don’t write at all or i write a lot super fast--mainly to meet a deadline.  But dude i dont wanna figure this important info out regarding my career path on the expense of my grade lol!! i know that we university students are supposed to figure a lot of things out on our own blah blah blah, but that doesnt mean we are paying profs $300 per course for them to sit around and giving us shit grades for nothing!!! Fucking film profs i s2g, they are either no help whatsoever and snobby af, or doesnt give heck and no help whatsoever. I was nothing but polite and civil and sweet when talking to my thesis course profs, but believe me, when i was thinking abt the way they behaved, im in such mood to go off. 

[biwikrie]

everything that’s going wrong in my life because i am bitter

the move

ok so i recently moved from japan back to the US and everything is so jacked up here and far apart. i mean sure, i kinda like it here, but since i know no one and am unable to actually go anywhere, i cant really do anything. not to mention that im not accustomed to anything in the US and everyone just expects me to know things and relate when i’ve literally been in the US for like two-ish maybe months after 5 years in JAPAN. hhhh stressful. also, i don’t have anything from my room in japan. it’s not even packed up. so i’m going to be sleeping on an air mattress until at least december. 

school

when i say that my school is small, i mean too small. we have a 2300+ student body, but a main hallway that only accommodates 1500-ish people. it’s almost impossible to walk to my classes and just as difficult to find a seat during lunch. also, i’m apparently ahead of my grade level in most things, so i’m fully just breezing through this year and cant change my classes because i couldn’t get the summer work for honors, and can’t take english and history classes for 11th graders. so my student transcript is going to be shit because i went from honors world history and literature to regular 10th grade world history and english. plus, i’m always the first to finish the tests and shit in my alg2 class, while sitting in the back because im too terrified of the giants that are 11th graders to sit anywhere else. i can’t really talk with anybody in most of my classes because they assume i’m a freshman and are just weirded out that such a small kid is in their class. 

friends / lack thereof

boy oh boy. the other reason i cant find a seat during lunch is because its divided into 3 different periods. i have third (last) lunch, which is also right after my alg2 class, which is full of 11th graders. so my tiny self is walking down the hall to the cafeteria surrounded by these tall 11th graders with no way of talking to them. so i just kinda sit “alone” at the peanut allergy table (when i say alone, i mean that im surrounded by upperclassmen as i try to take up as little space as possible while reading my book. 

let’s also talk about how all but one friend from japan probably forgot about me. so, shout out to paul for sticking to his promise of sending me a snap of him sending an “encouragement snap” using his mickey mouse voice. but because of the time difference, i can’t really speak in the group chat, and since they all live near each other and see each other everyday at school, they don’t really need to ever use the group chat. i have absolutely no one to vent to, and the only thing i can really talk about is bad stuff. so fuck me. 

i get 12000 crushes a day

SPEAKING OF FUCK ME: i, at 8:38 pm on thursday, august 31st, 2017, have 6 crushes. time to elaborate i guess. 

joseph/joey is in my chemistry class and my world history class. he’s pretty funny and i think i remember him from way back when i first lived in florida. he has this really interesting voice and laugh, and his hair has this little swoosh that goes straight up. only problem is that he kind of reminds me of yosuke and i can’t stand having him [joey] standing/sitting to my left.

dylan is in my art class. we talked for maybe two minutes on the first day and we still see each other everyday, but don’t talk. he got moved to a different table. he has a really deep voice that i absolutely love listening to. me and him occasionally look at each other when we’re confused by what the teacher is saying and have a little laugh. he’s only taking art because he needs a fine art to graduate. we dont talk, but we have this kind of unspoken agreement to do this dumb fake smile thing when we first see each other (but my gotdamn crush on him makes me go from fake smiling to blushing like an idiot). sometimes in class, i’ll catch him looking at me, and i don’t know if its my obnoxious teenage girl brain, but i think he might want to talk to me?? but oh my god he’s really pretty. like model status pretty. 

dj is also in my art class, but he also rides my bus. i know for a fact that he doesn’t like me. he doesn’t even know me. but he has bushy eyebrows and purple-ish curly hair. and oh my god when he laughs its amazing. i look at him too much. 

guy in my alg2 class that i dont know the name of is... in my algebra 2 class. i’ve never offically spoken to him, but his did hold the door open for me once and was super polite. he doesn’t play sports but he’s large. like, 6 foot large. he also has his hair up in a bun everyday. and today during the tst he undid the bun, and his hair goes a little bit past his shoulders and it looks to silky. deep voice.

liam is in my english 10 class. at least i know he’s in my grade right? and holy heck does he look so nice. he has blond-ish red hair and brown eyes?? and he literally could care less about school. he’s like a bad boy but super chill?? i used to sit directly across the room from him and i would sometimes look in his direction and see him looking at my group’s table? whether it be because he knew the people at my table, or was just completely blanking out, or because im a new student and hhhhh, i’ll never know because we had to change tables. now i sit with my back to him so idk if he’s even in the class anymore. 

anthony is in my world history class and is friends with joey. i had a crush on anthony before joey, but after a while anthony just seemed kind of dumb, but i still kind of like him? he goes out of his way to bring me into conversation and is funny in a dumb way. i dont even know. reminds me not to kill myself. he looks like he’s good at hugging. 

time in general

so i’ve recently been hit with this like wave of sadness where everything suck sand maybe that’s why i wrote this, but i have nothing to look forward to each day other than getting back to my “bed” after school. i just want it to be summer again becuase either 1) i can learn to drive, 2) anthony and joey and alec and austin can maybe want to hang out or something and i can finally have friends 3) i can screw up my sleeping schedule to talk to my bros in japan 4) i’ll have my stuff 5) i can start making real friends in junior year because at least i might know some people during lunch. i just want everything to fix itself because i have no way of fixing it. 

i kinda want to die

and not in the angsty teen way. actually, maybe in the angsty teen way. i just dont think that i have anything to provide to the world and i’ve already experienced all the world has to offer? i mean, obviously i haven’t, but in a “nothing else really will matter” kind of way. is that nihilistic? i just want to skip to the part of my life where i can just experience love?? thats sappy as shit, but i want to find someone that i can really love and experience the thing that humans experience and just know that im not alone in the universe? maybe its me and my obsession with soulmate au’s, but i really want to find someone where everything just clicks from the first moment and i can just be myself and be fully accepted and be truly vulnerable and free with someone that i absolutely care about and love? but i know im not mentally prepared to be in a relationship of any kind and that’s a problem after being removed from the only people i could talk to. so i’m forced to bottle things up and just try to push away bad thoughts to prevent myself from just crying in the middle of class. sometimes i get the thought of the time i wrote a suicide note. sometimes i think about who of my classmates would notice that i never showed up to school again. sometimes i think of when my brother and dad would find me dead and what their reactions would be. but hey! “i want to die” i so #relatable right !!!

i just want to say that the only people that i’ve met that maybe genuinely cared if i actually killed myself were my biology teacher mr francis and anthony. i remember the look on mr francis’s face when i said that i didn’t know if i wanted to be alive, while my classmates just laughed because of the whole “i want to die” meme culture we have. i appreciate that he didn’t tell anyone, but that might not have been the best in the long run. of course, that’s not his fault. he probably knew that i would just lie to the counselor. but i wish mr francis could see me now. completely broken and looking like i never want to wake up. last week in history class, my group was all joking about wanting to die, and i think anthony saw it on my face. he saw the quiet build up of tears as i thought of what these people i call my somewhat friends would think or how they would react if they realized i never showed back up to school. or if my teacher announced that i had killed myself. or as i thought of my suicide note that i wrote a month and a half ago. and he probably said the last words i expected to hear from one of my classmates, especially after only knowing me for a few days. “you know, if you were to kill yourself, i’d get really sad” it’s dumb, i know. but it’s suck with me. he barely even knows me, but we were launched into this conversation about how we would truly feel if someone close to us died. like imagine coming to school and noticing that the person that sits next to you, who normally never skipped a single day of school, now hasn’t shown up in a week. imagine trying to find their face during lunch, only to figure out that they aren’t even breathing anymore. imagine having to continue with our day, with your life, not truly knowing what happened, or knowing if you can help, or if you could’ve helped to prevent such a thing from happening. imagine seeing someone you’ve seen everyday just disappear without a trace, just to disappear without anyone knowing that they were even there. (deh anyone?)