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modharlow · 6 years ago

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Today was one of those days again. The sky looked stormy yet shed no rain, the sun barely peeking out for a second before sheltering itself away. People were bustling about to do their everyday work, all seeming to enjoy themselves. Oh, how you wish that were you, but alas it was not. No, you were out here, passing through Valentine, because some sorry excuse of a father left the camp again. “Probably drunk off his ass again.” You lowly hissed out.

When Charles came up to Dutch and reported the missing man, the leaders eyes happened to fall on you to retrieve him. Fortunately he also sent Arthur with you. “I trust you kid,” Dutch started off as he lead you to your horse, “but not enough to believe you won’t kick Mr. Swanson’s ass.”

Well… at least he was cautious because he was right. If it had been just you, you would’ve beat the man black and blue—mostly out of anger but if you happen to fix whatever the hell was going on in that mans brain then that’d work fine too.

It wouldn’t be the first time you’ve lied hands on him, though you never want “too far”. Given everything he’d done, or hasn’t done for better words, you going easy on him was a mercy.

”Aw, now now, little birdy,” Arthur’s voice cut through your thoughts, “I know that face. Don’t tell me you plannin’ on killin’ him this time?” His tone was joking but you couldn’t help the silent “and if I do?” that came out.

Letting out a whistle, the outlaw adjusted his hat. “You ever gonna tell me what’s the bad blood between you two?”

”On my deathbed, maybe.”

”Don’t be like that.” He replied, his tone growing soft. “He’s still your father. Doesn’t help that he’s always drunk, I know, but he’s tryin’.”

You swore you’ve never felt such hot rage boil deep inside your veins. Your knuckles turned white from your grip in the horses’ reins and your teeth clenched down to prevent you from shouting at your friend. “Arthur,” your voice was tense, just like your body, “don’t be defendin’ that man when you’ve no reason.”

The ride was silent now, save for the goodhearted people that said hello to either of you as you passed, until you both made it out of town.

Arthur let out a long sigh before taking lead and changing the direction you both were going. “C’mon, we’re gonna talk this out, you ‘nd me.”

”Arthur-”

”We’ll find him, trust me. We always do. Right now you just need to explain to me why the hell you hate his guts so much when neither of you even look at each other.”

You took note at the new destination. It was somewhere away from the roads, perfect for a private talk.

Now it was your turn to let out a long sigh. You didn’t say anything until you both ended up by some trees. From there Arthur got off his horse and motioned for you to do the same. When you did he sat both you down at the foot of a tree, perfectly protected from prying ears and the possible rain if it were to happen.

Leaning his head against the tree, Arthur spoke. “When you joined our camp you were so happy, so giddy. You didn’t have a care in the world. It was… nice. A nice change of pace.”

”I was young then. I didn’t understand anythin’.”

”What makes you think you understand now?”

Scoffing, you turned away from him brought your knees to your chest. Silently, you said, “I understand enough to know he’s a dead-beat dad.”

”Feel like elaboratin’?”

It became silent again. The horses were eating grass as the tree swayed itself side-to-side, birds flying overhead in a mixture of dull colors. All were unaware of the grief and burning hatred you held inside.

Taking in a deep breath, in through your nose and out through your mouth, you started to pick at the dirt and rocks in the ground. “I was four when mama died.” You breathed out. “I didn’t know that’s what it was. Just thought she was nappin’, y’know? She’d always seemed so… tired.” You faintly turned to face Arthur. “Was like she lost her light.” A soft chuckle filled the moment. “Guess in the end… she did, huh?”

”I’m… Listen, I-”

”You wanna know how she died, Arthur?” You were facing him now, your face calm yet the grip you had on a spare rock from the ground said otherwise. “She used the exact mechanisms my father’s usin’ right now.” You turned your attention to the rock in your hands, fingers nimbly toying with it. “Turns out, you know, that she didn’t want a child. She wanted to be free… but was tied down because of me—and dad? Oh, well, he had his teachings to do. No, he could never come home on time or spend some moments with his only kid.” You tossed the rock away from you, your eyes narrowing to keep yourself at bay. “Don’t think he wanted a child either.”

”Now that ain’t true.” Arthur interjected before flinching slightly at your glare yet not faltering. “I dunno about your mama but Reverend loves you.”

”If he loved me then why the hell are we out here having to look for his sorry ass?!” You yelled, getting up from your spot and walking away a few steps. “If he loved me then why was he never there for me? When men would be lookin’ at me weirdly, or when kids would hurt me ‘cause I only had one parent? What about when I was almost kidnapped ‘cause his dumbass had a damn “meeting” to go too, huh?”

Arthur got up too with his hands held up in surrender as he took careful steps towards you. “Easy now. It’s okay. You’re okay.” But his words fell on deaf ears as you let your pent up emotions explode inside you.

”I was six when I learned what death was. I tried killin’ myself, then tried again a few months later. I was eight when I tried to talk to him only for him to push me away. I was nine when I ran away before comin’ back. It’s funny, you know, ‘cause it was like he didn’t notice I was gone.” You swallowed down the sob that desparely wanted to come out, instead letting whimpers leave your mouth. “I was fourteen when I realized he didn’t care for me. He never did, he only worries about himself—if you can even call whatever he’s doin’, “worrying”.”

You furiously wiped at your eyes, teeth eating away at your bottom lip to stop yourself from crying more. “Arthur. Arthur, I’m bein’ honest when I say this,” you took in a shaky breath, “I’ve dreamt of killin’ him. I’ve always felt free when I did it, too. It felt so refreshin’ to me. Was like chains were melted off and I could finally run again. It’s a feelin’ I chase after every time we have to look for him.”

When you looked up at Arthur with those vulnerable eyes, he was at a loss for words. He thinks back to his own memories of you being that happy-go-lucky kid he grew up with and felt his chest tighten. So was that all a facade so you could hide away your pain? How had he not noticed to sooner? Did anyone else know? Dutch? Hosea? You were close to those two but… did you ever really let them in?

”I’m… I’m sorry, I…” Those were not the words he wanted to say. Truly, he didn’t know what to say. He knew Swanson was not an ideal father but this—this is how you were treated? How you lived your life? “I don’t… know what to say.”

”No one ever does.”

After a short pause, Arthur felt his own anger begin to form when your died down. “Why the hell do we still keep him ‘round then? If he’s like this to you, then why don’t we just get rid of him? You’re the only one we really need. You hunt, fish, and you can even haggle someone almost as well as Hosea! He doesn’t do shit-”

”Arthur, I thank you for feelin’ my anger for me but it’s… I hate him, I do, but it’s more complex than that.” Now you felt bad for pulling your friend along with your emotions. You should’ve kept your mouth shut like you always had, only showing anger when it was just you and your dad alone.

Huffing, Arthur let his hands hold onto his belt as he leaned on his foot. “Well… we got all the time in the world for you to talk.”

While you dried off your wet face with your sleeve, you tried to formulate the correct words. “It’s… hard to explain. If he’s gone then… I’ll have no more blood-family. ‘Nd despite everythin’, well, he still let me go with him to join Dutch when he could’ve left me.” You voice trailed off, your eyes straying from the looks Arthur was giving you. “I-I know, okay? It’s idiotic for me to feel like this even after all that’s happened but I just—I can’t leave him to fend for himself. He lost his wife, ‘nd now I’m all that he has. Even if we don’t talk…”

”I don’t think I’ll ever understand you.” Arthur muttered as he took steps towards you. “I ain’t ever been in your boots so I guess I can’t say much but,” cautiously, he put his arms around you, “if you ever want his ass gone, just say so. Or if you… if you wanna leave ‘nd let him stay with the gang then… that’s alright. Just tell me beforehand, okay? I’d be mighty down if you up and left without a goodbye.”

You nodded your head while you returned the hug. Your eyelids stung and your body felt heavy from your outbursts of emotions, though you couldn’t deny how safe you felt right at this moment.

Closing your eyes, you let yourself get lost in the feeling of being openly loved by someone you held dear to you.

Arthur had been your first since you were first welcomed to the gang and a side of you berated yourself for keeping silent from him for so long. Still, within these moments, you felt alright. You felt… free. “I won’t leave. Not when I have someone like you lookin’ out for me.” You tried to bury yourself deep into his chest, wanting to stay with this comfort for much longer. Softly, you whispered out, “Thank you.”

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garethito · 6 years ago

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You know... I've been meaning to ask you about this for a while, and yesterday's tag thing that you did with those Bale gifs only like... fueled? My curiosity? Lol, if that makes sense. Could you like... relive? The Champions League final from this year for us? Like, your perspective on it? Or maybe even the actual whole day of the final? Sorry, God, I know this is weird, but I just love how you tell stories from your life! I have seen you do it with some other anons once!

First of all, THANK YOU SO MUCH for this like, you guys always send me such interesting questions and Im so??? and OMG no this is not weird stop this is such a wonderful question to ask!! And omg you liked how I told the stories to those anons that is so sweet thank you so muchhhhh ❤️❤️💝❤️💘💘💞💞💘

But also this is making me really emotional I dont think I will be able to write this without tearing up but here we go!!! I was at school today and we had a special day so we didnt make any classes, so I had time to formulate an answer to this, and to complete it at home 💞

Quick WARNING?? Yes I am perfectly aware of how crazy and overdramatic this whole story sounds, but the thing is that this is how I truly feel about this day in my life. So yeah lol. Football is basically my life!

I would like to start this by saying that the day of the 26th of May 2018 is the most important day of my entire life as a football fan. There is nothing that could even come close to this. Absolutely nothing. Never in my life have I cried like in that night. Never. Absolutely never. I have looked at my life as a person, at my hardest times, when I cried a lot, but not even that can even slightly compare to the amount of crying that I have done on that glorious day of May 7 months ago. When I say crying, though, I dont actually mean crying, no. I mean violently sobbing, screaming at the top of my lungs, shaking and feeling numb. But in the best way possible, the happiest tears that I ever shedded.

My actual perspective, like you said, though, starts from the 2nd of May, a day after our semi-final second leg against Bayern. From that day, until the 26th, my mind, my body, my soul only thought about the final. I could not even focus on the Clasico on the 6th, neither on the last La Liga match. I was so fucking nervous, words are not sufficient to describe….. At least once every 2-3 days I would go to the bathroom with severe stomach aches and sit there until I would try to calm myself down so that my grandmother wouldnt get worried. I thank God, the Universe, or whoever you think invented life for the fact that highschool had nothing special during that period, just a few tests, that I got the best grades on, because had there been something big, I would have surely failed. That was a nightmare. Just think about it. Horrible La Liga season, then those fucking shaky as fuck second leg matches against Juve AND Bayern. I was literally so pessimistic that I am scaring myself right now thinking about it. All these bad scenarios played through my head ”What if Zizou loses his job? What if this will be the start of our downfall? What if this is the last Champions League final we will play? What if, what if, what if….”. I always tried to tell my brain how stupid I was, that we are Real Madrid and that we will win, like we always do, that we are the best fucking team in the Universe and that nobody even comes close to being like us. But its like these voices in my head wouldnt stop, it was so scary.

Come 25th of May I was an actual lifeless corpse. No matter how much I tried to call my best friend, who was in Bulgaria at that time, and telling her that I cant take this anymore, and her telling me that its going to be okay like it always is, that she doesnt really know my team well but she knows we will win, no matter how much of that was happening, I couldnt fucking stop being nervous and constantly thinking about this match.

On the morning of the 26th I woke up with a severe headache at about 8:30-9 AM. The only things that I remember from that whole day are the constant empty feeling, the amount of times I listened to Hala Madrid Y Nada Mas and the amount of pictures, videos, promotional/support videos I saw and watched. I called my friend one last time and I told her that now I am optimistic, that we will win.

My whole emotional state was ruined, however, by Gareth not starting. I dont need to explain the whole February-May Gaz-Zizou situation because I think everyone knows it too well by now and what I fucking felt about it. I have never been so enraged in my entire life. After all he has done, still no place in the starting XI. Though, this is pretty much the only thing that has ever angered me about Zizou. I love that man too much, I dont think there will ever be a coach that will ever come close to him, a coach that I will ever love as much as I loved him, but this whole situation really, really angered me. As I said, not going to get into details, I think that is enough. Though, I tried to only focus on my hardly achieved positivity about the match.

The match started and my emotional state reached its lowest point. I couldnt take it anymore, I felt impossibly sick from being so nervous, I got the most severe migraine ever, my eyes were literally about to pop out ugh again, remembering that gives me chills. Dani got injured, and I got angry again, because he didnt deserve it, the World Cup was literally about to start like God give this man a break!!!

Halftime at 0-0, my optimism grew, believe it or not. I felt like we will have more urgency in the second half and that we will win this.

The second half came, with me just desperately hoping for a goal. Because we were playing so well, we deserved a reward!! And it did come, with Benzemas goal, God I felt so relieved and happy. I have seen people saying that his goal was not good but? You literally take everything that is being offered to you in a Champions League final! He scored, he gave us a goal, we were 1-0 up, and I was literally screaming from joy, I was shaking so much and I was the proudest person alive. God, I love my team. Then, Liverpools equalizer came. I didnt think anything of it. I wouldnt get rid of my optimism. I was looking at my boys and I knew we would win.

And Oh My God, here we fucking go.

Minute 61. Gareth comes on. I was so grateful that he at least got to play 30 minutes, I literally only wanted to see him. At that time, considering everything that was happening, I was already emotionally starting to prepare for his departure to another team. I was watching him in those moments, flashbacks through my mind of all the glorious times I got to see him, all of his goals, everything.

And then…

All of a sudden…

62:58

That moment. The moment in which my soul has definitely left my body. The most beautiful moment I have ever lived in watching football. The moment in which I was the proudest person alive. A moment I will never, ever, ever forget, for as long as I get to live. The moment I have literally seen history being made, right before my eyes. The moment in which I literally evaporated, left the Earth, idk how to explain this but I hope you understand me. My idol, that had suffered so much that season, scored a fucking bicycle kick in a FUCKING UCL FINAL. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. The happiest, most full of joy, best, most emotional moment. Ever. No exaggeration.

My perspective on this? Oh well, brace yourselves. If you think everything that I have written so far seems insane, get ready for this.

I was on my bed, watching the game, shaking. I saw the passes, beautiful passes, that ended up with Marcelo controling the ball (incredibly, as he always does, my Brazilian sunshine). I saw him swaying to the side, and then passing a high, aerial ball in the box. Gareth came up to meet it, with… a scissor kick. That he scored. I literally fucking exploded like there is no other word. I jumped off my fucking bed and I ran literally across the house and came back, making the most inhuman noises ever I swear. I came back to my bedroom and I collapsed on the floor and I literally started fucking bawling my eyes out, and even that seems like an understatement. Screaming at the top of my lungs, bawling my eyes out, literally all of it happening on the floor. My grandmother literally came in and she thought something happened to me, but then I just pointed to the screen and she understood lmao. And from that point onward I cannot say anything anymore, because I dont remember anything else but me on the floor, literally. After like 15 minutes I hardly even managed to get back on the bed, and guess what?

82:41

AGAIN.

???? I dont know what to say anymore. Like he literally toyed with everyone that night, he didnt care about anything. Again, with a pass from Marcelo, he literally goes from FAR FAR FAR away and he shoots and… scores?? How much do you think my poor fragile self can handle? Like, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU SAY TO THAT?? Except for bawling your eyes out even more, if thats even possible? Its been 7 months and I still dont have words for what happened that night, like 2 goals ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? LIKE DO YOU UNDERSTAND I WAS LITERALLY DEAD LIKE ??? I LOST EVERY SINGLE BIT OF MY SANITY THAT NIGHT. 2 goals, 2 goals in 20 minutes, he was about to get a fucking hattrick. A fucking HATTRICK IN HALF AN HOUR, but Karius unfortunately stopped that shot.

The match ended and… I dont remember anything other than barely seeing the screen, I literally had a blurred vision.

We fucking won it. We DID IT. THE DECIMOTERCERA WAS OURS.

In the moment in which Sergio lifted it I… I dont have words, did I go into another Universe, did I ascend, did my soul leave my body I dont even know but what I do know is that I spent the rest of the night, up until like 6AM, crying my heart out. And this is what I mean by ”I have never cried so much in my entire life”. Like I have never spent a whole night crying.

I went to bed at like 6:30, woke up at like.. 10?? I think you can imagine how I woke up, I literally felt like I was going to die but I spent the rest of the day catching up on everything that happened the entire night.

And then, of course, the celebrations, Cibeles, Bernabeu… of course your sensitive girl bawled her eyes out again lol!

Every day ever since it happened, I have always been thinking about this day. About all of it. No point in counting how many times I rewatched the goals lol! But I think you can imagine haha 💘

So yeah, this is pretty much it DSLKFDKJFKDFJKDFK. The story about my best ever day of watching football I made it unecessarily long (Im so sorry). I think the only conclusion that I can get from this is Hala Madrid Y Gareth Y Nada Mas lol! 💘💘

#asks #Anonymous #gareth bale #real madrid

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wonderfulworldofwinchester · 7 years ago

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Heartbreak Makes You Wiser Pt2

MOC!Dean x Reader Original Request by Anon: Hey I recently watched the S10 finale and wanted to ask if you chould write a Dean/reader Fanfic based on it. the reader enters the room and see’s the hurt castiel and that he killed the stynes including the “innocence” boy and starts crying what he has become and doesn’t want to let him go. dean hurts her accidentally a bit (mark going crazy) while she stops him to leave and see’s she got afraid of him and dean regrets it & is almost in tears too that he hurt the woman he secretly loves. TY! <3 Warnings: Idk, Language, residual fear from earlier events.

Word count: 1380

A/N: Prompts used are in bold italics. *UNEDITED* -sorry for any grammar/spelling/autocorrect fails.

PART 1 MASTERLIST TO DO LIST Ask Me/Have A Request?

Two weeks. Two weeks had passed since that dreadful night. Your arm was realigned, and physical wounds have begun to heal, but the emotional wounds were still raw and exposed. Sure you had talked to Dean that night. You had told him you weren’t afraid of him, but that you were afraid of the mark and what it was doing to him. As much as you wanted to believe that, and wanted to convey to him that you believed that, your body all too often betrayed you. If he moved to quick, raised his voice slightly, or even came around the corner unannounced, you would involuntarily jump.

You wished he hadn’t , but naturally dean had picked up on these things right away. He claimed he wasn’t, but he was clearly avoiding you at this point. Not out of anger, but out of love. He hated seeing the way your body flinched when he moved certain ways, or startled you. Every day was a battle in and of his own mind. Everything in him was crying out, screaming to be heard and obeyed, begging him to just give up. But he couldnt he couldn’t do that to you.

Only a few days after the incident, Dean had a talk with Sam. He swore Sam to secrecy and kicked himself up and down for having a ‘chick flick’ moment and ‘being on the verge of growing lady parts’, but he needed to vent. He told Sam about his struggle. “ I just don’t get it, man. She is clearly scared of me, but says she’s not and even though she practically jumps out of her skin when I move near her, she still chooses to track me down.” He took another swig of his beer as Sam contemplated what his brother had just said.

“Have you maybe tried talking to her?” Sam asked, hands out in front of him, and brows raised. “I mean, if you really want to know, shouldn’t you ask her instead of me.”

Dean’s hand that held his beer fell to the table, a loud clunk following. He mumbled something under his breath, as he stood from the table. Dammit. He knew his brother was right. He needed to talk to you. He just don’t know how or when.

Days went by, until finally he knew what he needed to tell you. He worked through it meticulously in his head; trying to solve any problems. Should Sam be there? Would she feel safer? Will I scare her if i get her one on one? He was overthinking it, and he knew it, but he just couldn’t risk losing you. He came far too close last time.

Dean’s heart pounded in his chest, each beat ringing in his ears as the sound of his boots hitting the floor bounced of the walls with every labored step he took towards your room. This was it. He was about to put everything on the line. But he had to know. Just as his fist raised to rap his knuckles against the rough surface of the old door, you rounded the corner in the hall. His eyes met yours and he quickly realized there was anger present in them.

Your feet pounded against the smooth floor as your strode up to him, “Alright, what the Hell Winchester!?” Your fear was now overthrown by the utter frustration that had been growing the pit of your stomach, and had now burst out. “I have looked for you everywhere. And not just today. All the damn time. You see me and you turn the other way. You don’t ever come out to the library when you think I might be there. You’re avoiding me, and you’re ignoring me, and I don’t like it!”

Dean stood there, mouth agape, dumbfounded like a deer in headlights. This was the last thing he expected. His mind raced around trying to formulate a coherent sentence to ask you what he had come to do in the first place. “I just don’t get it, Y/N?”

“Get what?” Your hand was on your hip, and your brow furrowed.

He looked anywhere but your eyes, “Why you would even care. Why you would want to be around me anyway after what I did to you.”

“Dean, I meant what I said to you that night. I won’t run.”

You could practically hear him rolling his eyes, and he let out a sigh, turned and ran his hands over his face and up through his hair. “but why? I mean seriously why would you stay? Come on, in all honesty, why? Why after all this-” his hand flailed about gesturing to invisible objects, “would you still care? Don’t get it?”

Your frustration had not yet subsided. It had shifted though. Now your frustration was in the fact that Dean was so blind to the reason you had yet to run. With an huff, your hand flew from your hair, straight down in front of you, “because you moron!” You gestured to your head as if telling him to think. “When you love someone, you don’t just stop. Ever. Even when people roll their eyes, or call you crazy. Even then. Especially then.” Your turned away for a moment to gather your emotions, and then faced him once more. “Don’t you get it? I love you Dean. That’s why. That’s why I won’t just walk away when things get hard, or when they get scary.”

For the second time that night you had Dean Winchester at a loss for words. He stood motionless, processing what just came out of your mouth. Slowly one single tear made it’s way down his cheek and his eyes glimmered under the layer of liquid emotion threatening to outpour. His voice cracked slightly under the weight of those emotions as he spoke, “Alright you’ve said your why. Now here’s my why.”

“What?” He lost you there.

“You want to know why I continue to get up in the morning. Why I keep going when I feel like complete and utter crap everyday. Why I haven’t tried to end it, lock myself away somewhere and just give up.” Those emotions now rained down his cheeks. “It’s not because we get to save people. It’s not because Sam would kill me.” He took a deep breath in, “I get up, and I keep fighting it, and I don’t give up, because I made a promise to you that I wouldn’t run.”

“Dean...”

“You’re the only thing that makes me want to get up in the morning. I didn’t care if I had to stay away from you for years. I was determined, I was going to keep you safe, and not scare you, but I wasn’t going to run.”

He just kept rambling on and on, not hearing you when you tried to get his attention. You appreciated the nice words, but right now, that’s not what you wanted. Your arm was still in a sling, but dammit if you weren’t determined. You closed the gap between you two, and his eyes followed your every move with confusion as your good arm swung up and around his neck, yanking his head down to your level. “Are you just gonna talk all night about how you love me, or are you gonna shut up and kiss me?”

“Sassy.”

“Hey, don’t make me regret this loving you thing.” His lips met yours in a sweet kiss, and his arms wound around your waist, holding you close; savoring every last drop.

When you parted, he eyes showed concern, “So how is this gonna work?” Your head tilted to the side, unsure of what he meant. “I mean, you’re still scared of this thing, so how do we make this work?” He gestured between the two of you.

You shrugged, “I don’t know. It’s not gonna be easy, but hey nothing in this life is, and no one ever said it would be.” He pulled a face, and you added to your answer, “And besides, like I said before, I won’t run, but you can’t either.”

If you would like to be added to one of my tag lists, just ask :)

The Anything and Everything: @tillielynn16 @fandomaskedstuff @naruko88558855 @saltysamgirls @hillface89 @unusualcorn

The Deano: @straitsupernaturalmalefan @angelofchaos @kayladools @pandazombie69 @brindz30

Fic Specific tags: @notnaturalanahi @gleefinn I included you guys in tags for this becuase you seemed pretty pumped about the idea of a part 2 and were a huge part of why it happened! Thanks for the love and support!

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viralhottopics · 8 years ago

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The Hardest Breakup Of My Life Taught Me This

To say I was devastated would be a severe understatement. I remember it all too well. Crying on the bathroom floor at 2 AM, praying to God she would come back to me tonight. Crying in bed and skipping class because I was too sick to go, wishing she could be there to take care of me again. But then again, I dont remember it all too well.

I was black out drunk, vomiting all my feelings into the toilet along with a whole bottle of vodka. Stumbling back out to the party and having to fake and smile so I could down some more liquor in hopes to ease the pain of losing her. I recently just went through the hardest experience of my life, and that experience was breaking up with my girlfriend of a year. The moment I met her, it was an instant connection. Just like in all the fairytales, I saw fireworks and sparks and all that other bullshit. I loved her with every ounce of my being and she worked her way into my soul. She was my everything, she had the ability to change my mood at the drop of the hat, and when her hazel eyes locked with mine, I was at her mercy. All I knew is that I would follow her anywhere. But sometimes good things dont work out, and she left. She left me much like a tornado leaves a town. Damaged and in shambles, wondering if I was ever going to return to my original state again. And in all honesty, I did not think I would make it. But somehow through all the sleepless nights, weeks without eating solid food, mornings with dry eyes from crying the night away, and evenings eating dinner alone, I taught myself some of the most important lessons I have ever learned.

I am stronger than I ever knew I was

Ive been through my fair-share of heartbreaks like any girl my age. But this one rocked me to my core. I could FEEL it with every inch of my body. Some mornings I couldnt get out of bed. Hell, some days I didnt even leave my apartment. I laid in bed all day and cried, and asked for anything to bring her back to me.

I remember going into the dining hall at my college and sitting in the back, not knowing what to do without her. I would eat, or attempt to eat, by myself with my headphones in listening to anything Taylor Swift. I would see her around campus having fun and smiling with her new friends and the new guy she was with, and I would feel myself shatter again. At this point, it was always a race against time to get back to my apartment or my car before anyone saw me crying. But you want to know what the crazy thing is? It got easier. The days spent crying turned into hours, which turned into minutes, which eventually turned into laughter somehow. The meals I couldnt stomach turned into yogurt, which turned into oranges and apples, which turned into slices of pizza and burgers. The vodka turned into water and I felt myself slowly being glued back together. I could sit through a class and not cry. I could see her around campus and even look at her, and no longer felt tears welling up.

My toughest battle turned me into a girl who couldnt be stopped. I achieved my best semester academically in college EVER and discovered a new career path that would eventually become my calling. I rejoined my schools basketball team and was able to lose myself in the sport I loved. I made new friends who showered me with positivity and optimism. I felt like I could conquer the world and shatter any obstacle in my way.

My friends are amazing people

My God, this to me is the most important thing I learned. My friends are truly a blessing from the Lord above, and I will say that until Im blue in the face. It was Taylor and Olivia, always being there for me and supporting me through everything and being the epitome of what a best friend is, coming over every single night and talking to me about my breakup even though you were so sick of hearing me speak her name. It was my whole basketball team welcoming me back to the team with open arms when I needed them and the sport most.

I could never formulate words to help explain how important the team atmosphere was to my healing process. To have 12 girls who I could turn to, who would always have my back, who believed in me, is a feeling that only a few lucky people get to experience in their lives. It was my coworkers Merry, Allyson, Madison, Bre, Tricia, Jess, Sarah, Rosa, Abby and Rachel who always had my back and would do anything for me, those who saw me cry and collapse to the floor at work and still picked me up every single day, both mentally and physically.

Its my new-found friends Kayla and Helena who chose to look past all the issues I had at the time, and showed me that people can still love a broken person, not in a romantic love kind of way, but in a pure, friendship way. Its my friends from day one Kristen, Tori, Jayne, and Miranda, the girls who have seen my rise and fall many times but chose to believe in me and my ability to never give up the fight. Its the other people who are too infinite for me to mention but touched my life during this period. I cannot thank you all enough, you are the reason I am so strong now, you are the reason I never gave up.

I am enough

Finally, this is something that I wrestled with up until a few weeks ago. When someone walks out on you, its a scary thing. You dont know what you did wrong exactly. What did I do to make her stop loving me? Could I have done more? What if I had handled this situation differently, would she still be here? Is this really whats right for both of us?

These are the things I asked myself every night, until I came to the realization. It was nothing I did or did not do. It was nothing I did wrong or right. I just happened to be too much for her and not enough at the same time. And once I realized that her leaving was her decision only, not based on my actions, I began to realize other things. Our relationships demise was her decision, not mine. I did everything I could, but you cannot change someones mind. That is not how love works, you can tell someone how much you love them and how much they mean to you but that will not make them love you again nor will bring them back or make them stay. All of this being said, I harbor no ill-feelings or hatred towards her. Sometimes you cannot force someone to love you back. Sometimes love is not fair. Sometimes giving your heart to someone does not work out. So instead of loving her, I began to fall in love with myself again. I could look in the mirror again and think I looked pretty for class that day. I was able to feel confident in my own skin. I was smiling bigger and laughing louder than I ever had and nobody was going to stop me from being this new, happy Rachel. And quite frankly, I will never let myself be a slave to anyone else or their love ever again. I am my own person before I am anyone elses. So I suppose at the end of the day, losing her was vital for me to become the girl and young woman that I am now. I know I have a huge heart and cant wait until I can meet the person who I can give it to. Im a confident woman who has high goals and expectations for myself. I have a great support system full of people who have my best interests in mind from friends to professors to teammates. I am beautiful and happy and caring and confident and kind, and sometimes to make myself feel that way, all I had to do was tell myself I was. I look around and see beauty in everyday life now. From the people in my classes to natures beauty, I take a second longer to appreciate the beauty in everything. I am now seeing in different colors and dimensions and have such a positive outlook on life. I am a child of Christ and His love for me is eternal and He has forgiven me for my past mistakes. I have incredible parents who love me and support any decision I make. Parents who only want the best for their only daughter.

Its been about 5 months since I lost her. She is still gone. But thats okay.