#BUT IM HOPIN TO OPEN THINGS UP SOOOOON

[cognitosclowns]

OH EM GEE what if masturbation headcanoms for the whole crew.... IF THE WHOLE CREW AT ONCE IS TOO MUCH then maybe just gigi andre and brett <3 ateehee

OH GEE,,,,,, GUESS I,,, GOTTA NOW,, HOW,,, TRAGIC,, I TOTALLY DIDN’T ASK FOR THIS IN THE TAGS OF A PREVIOUS POST,,,,OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOO,, 

(........... <3 THANK U FOR THeSe ASKs MNFDKSDNFKJDSF I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR CENTURIES TO SCREAM ABOUT THIS)

NSFT THIS IS GOING TO BE AN ESSAY <3 MINORS DNI

tw : drug use + drug ment!!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I STG I HAVE BEEN SCRIBBLING NOTES ABOUT THIS ALL WEEK SMDNSM MASTURBATION HC’S ARE LIKE ACTUAL HEROIN FOR ME OK

FANK YEW TO @shrimpsoupsoda for bouncing ideas with meee

BRETT

OH HONEY <3

He’s so shy about it. Like,, extremely shy about it.

It isn’t that he doesn’t masturbate at all - he definitely does, it’s just,,, a very nerve wracking thing at times

He feels weird about letting himself feel good?? It feels like smth that he needs to Earn or Deserve,, and a lotta the time he feels like he doesn’t deserve it??

That being said, there’s absolutely things that,,, set him off <3

Someone telling him he’s done a good job?? Like a genuine, sincere ‘you did a good job on xyz’ is gonna make his legs feel wiggly <3

He has a fleshlight!! It’s in the bottom drawer of his dresser and makes him lose his fucking mind <3

One of his frat buddies got it for his birthday as a joke but,,,,, he kept it <3 and uses it when his hand just Isnt Doing It For Him

It has like?? swappable sleeves and everything?? its surprisingly elaborate msnds

Smth about,, being able to run his tip along the outside before pressing in?? Or even feeling his cum drip out after <3333  

Somewhere in the back of his minds he,, kinda wants one of those Half Torso Sex Dolls?? the ones that’re just the stomach, thighs and genitals?? He’d absolutely never buy it for himself but <333 he thinks about it a lot s,mnds

Definitely a,, once a month affair. Maybe every few months. Definitely not,, Enough for him to feel satisfied on any given day smdns.

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ANDRE

constant and unending

No but seriously,, masturbating is one of his favorite things <3 it’s just,, such a great way to relax??

Alternatively a great way to keep himself,, stimulated and alert throughout the day?

Listen if he’s stuck in his office reviewing paperwork, he’s absolutely gonna keep a Vibrating Plug handy to keep himself alert <3

I could totally see him owning a Metric Fuckton of sex toys?? Like he just slowly collects them from parties n orgies he’s been to over the years?? he has em all laid out in his dresser??

(Him and Myc 100% share some of them but you didn’t hear that from me)

Speaking of Myc, they’ve absolutely jacked off together!! Not even just in a,, Hookup kind of way

Seeing who can last longer, who can cum faster from Super Silly Porn, etc. (definitely moreso for,, just Goofing Off, yk?)

When jacking off, he uses a frankly obscene amount of lube. enough to be dripping down his thighs. He really likes the Oily, Smooth feeling <333

Also the soundddd <3 that vv wet, slick noise when he strokes?? Best thing in the world, drives him batshit

He likes having a Lotta Different stimulation at once - maybe smth playing on the TV, smth on his phone, smth inside him, all while stroking himself?? <3 absolute bliss, overstimulation is his jam

50/50 on how high he’ll be. Sometimes he wants smth,, slightly more lucid, othertimes he genuinely wants his brain to be oatmeal by the end. Just,, a cocktail of assorted drugs + a vibe inside him, facedown on his bed?? A few hours of that and he can barely remember his own name <3

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GIGI

Sometimes she swears people,, purposefully do stupid things just to give her more work. How hard is it to not murder someone?? How difficult must it be, to not accidentally leak state secrets??

Needless to say, she appreciates what little private time she has <3

The whole shabang - a nice warm bath, candles, fancy soaps, maybe some nice music. If she’s gonna enjoy herself, she’s gonna go all the way!!

She likes to take things slow, so that kinda helps - a lot of her life is very,, Go Go Go, Rushing to keep up with the PR nightmare so,, it’s <33333 nice to have a few hours to just Relax.

Toys > fingers - she almost always has her nails done, and it’s just not worth the effort of getting them removed just for masturbating.

Besides toys are just,, so much more efficient

she likes smaller, hand-held stuff - she’d rather a simple Bullet Vibe over smth like,, A Wand. She can just melt into her bath and let it do the work <333

That’s not to say she doesn’t have a,, solid collection, but it’s nothing like Andre. Just a few of her favorites!!

Medium volume?? Lots of quiet murmuring under her breath, as if she was talking to smb <333

‘power is attracted to me’ gives me the vibe that she’s used to being in a more dominant role <3!! So murmuring little praises is instinctual at this point smndsd

She prefers to edge up to one Big orgasm, rather than a bunch of smaller ones!!

I am going to marry her <3

REAGAN

You think she doesn’t build her own sex toys??

SHE ABSOLUTELY BUILDS HER OWN SEX TOYS

LISTEN her nails are,, always short bc she Chews Them Constantly - so theoretically she could use her fingers but like,,

w h y?

She can never get the angles right??? Her hand always cramps up?? It kinks her wrist in a weird way??

So yeah she definitely sticks to toys when she’s taking care of herself!!

THE LABBBBB <3

She absolutely has this little,, invention under her desk to take care of her at the end of the day!! There’s a little switch, hidden under a pencil holder to activate it

kinda,, like a suction cup almost?? It slithers out and Envelops the entire area? If she’s being quite honest, it eats her out better than most ppl she’s been with smdsnd

The walls are <333 soundproof. She doesn’t get all that loud - mostly just little hisses and groans (and swearing. plenty of swearing.) but,, it brings her peace of mind

She absolutely has a fuck-machine too!! It’s in her lab, disguised as smth innocuous - voice activated, so nobody’s gonna discover it accidentally!!!

Listen she spends more time in her lab then at home sometimes, it’s not worth going all the way back home just to grab sex toys - besides, who watches the cameras anyways??? It’s their own fault for being nosy smndsd

ROBOTUS

It wasn’t actually something he considered at first?

I mean his first moments as a Fully Sentient Being were,, in a few words Extremely Hectic

and then the,, Unplanned Hemicorporectomy

altogether, Beating His Robotic Meat wasn’t exactly high on his priority list sdnsmdnd

Most likely?? it was something that occurred to him during his,, Months Of Sitting Alone In Bottom Storage A Glass Jar Completely Alone.

The idea sparked one day that,, Well, Some Of These Wires Absolutely Used To Connect To My Genitals - If I Find The Right One And Run A Current Through It...

Emphasis on ‘the right one’,,, the first couple dozen times it just Hurt Like A Motherfucker, since was,, in essence sending a current through his nervous system smdnsd

He was,, basically about to give up before he accidentally brushed against some Extremely Frayed wires a bit deeper in his torso and damn near rebooted-

It took some finangling to figure out how to get that reaction Consistently but,, once he got a hang of it? <33333 New Favorite Thing

It isn't smth he does all the time

...  maybe the first few days he goes a little overboard, but it’s literally his first time very experiencing these sorts of things. It moreso just becomes a part of his routine!! Definitely,, very nice to have smth to clear his head after dealing with,,, The Gang’s Shenanigans smnds

He definitely prefers,, Fast, Hard sensations instead of lighter ones - the new stimulation is,, very interesting to him. Does this mean a few wires get snapped? Maybe but its probably fine smnds. Overstimulation babey <3

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GLENN

oh if this isn’t the most Repressed motherfucker in the world idk who is.

I get a very ‘White Picket Fence’ vibe from him - probably grew up in a very, very, very conservative family down-south, military fam, etc..

🕺✨ abstinence only education babey 🕺✨ :////////////////////

Sex and masturbation were heavily frowned upon in his household. Like,, you Did Not Talk About That.

ALL THAT BEING SAID,

*adjusts glasses* apparently Dolphins have Prehensile penises? Like they writhe and move around,, almost like a tentacle kindasortamaybe?? I read Several Scholarly Articles for this ask sdnsdn. I know so much about dolphin weens now and how scientists find things out about dolphin weens. In the immortal words of Brian David Gilbert : this is all im qualified to talk about now

He,, quite honestly still hasn’t entirely gotten the hang of it?? Mostly from the fact that he doesn’t do it often-

Doesn’t matter if he’s alone. he could be in a bunker on mars, the last man alive, and he’d still feel self conscious about masturbating.

It’s definitely more of a Milking motion that straight-up stroking??

His jaw is,, WIRED shut. He really tries his best not to make noise (’’’’’it isnt manly’’’’ etc, etc, please bring his ass to therapy), but,,, when he’s close he has tendency to keen?

Just,, this quiet mewling at the back of his throat?? <333

His eyes are either closed, or staring upwards - he much prefers his imagination to anything else.

He cums a fuckton - i mean, even before the whole Surgery Thing he did, but,,,, there’s Quite A Fucking Lot. He usually takes care of himself in the shower, so there’s less cleanup!!

Right after he tries to occupy himself with,, Something Else so he doesn’t have time to feel guilty about it :’)

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JR

Probably written in his schedule if we’re being quite honest

LISTEN,, he,,,, is exceptionally busy trying to ensure the Deep State doesn’t collapse in on itself on pretty much,, a bi-weekly basis.

His favorite thing at the end of A Long Week is just,, collapsing into his armchair with a stiff drink and jacking off.

it’s definitely a ‘thank fucking god, finally’ situation - getting time to himself has become,, more and more rare lately. The noises of Pure Relief this man makes are,, incomparable <3. Big, heavy groans right at the back of his throat <3333333333

Definitely depends on his energy levels - sometimes he just needs something quick to get the stress of the day out, other times he,,, Wants Smth A Bit More Extensive, yknow?

In ep.1 we see he has a folder on his laptop labeled ‘Definitely Not Porn’ so,, that question’s answered!!

In terms of what specifically? He’s absolutely had his mistresses record JOI videos for him - all the Joy (badumtiss) of being told what to do, without actually needing to interact with someone <3

He’s memorized all of em - he knows them by heart. Doesn’t matter, he still loves every single one <333

Some of them are pretty short, others are,, a few hours. Depends on his particular needs for the evening

He’ll beg even if there’s nobody there <3 he just,, likes the feeling of begging. He loves the shame of being knocked down Several Pegs.

Depending on his mood, he might synch his tie to give a bit of ~asphyxiation~ smdnsd nothing major, just enough to make the sensation  Noticeable. Alternatively, yanking his own hair <3

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MYC

What could I say about Myc’s sexual habits that the show hasn’t already explained in graphic detail-

LISTEN THE SHOW BASICALLY COVERS IT, he’s got,, an entire Machine dedicated to milking him <3

And honestly??? It’s the most efficient way he’s found?? I mean sure, he could definitely start grinding his tentacles up against walls, but,, it just ends in a mess?

Besides! Spending hours in his machine is,,’productive,, or something’ since it collects all his Goo for later use smdnsd

He would spend all day in there if it,, wouldn’t,, Probably Kill Him Due To Dehydration And Sucking Out His Soul sdmnsd

His tentacles aren’t as sensitive as you’d expect!! they only get Super Sensitive and Tingly when he’s aroused!!

A lot like now smb can like,, have a hand on your knee and it’ll Just Feel Like A Hand On Your Knee, but when you’re horny it feels like Actual Heroin? Yea that!!

Even if there’s nobody around,, he’s extremely vocal smdns. Like shamelessly - the people next door can absolutely hear him. He does not care. Not just moaning - full out sentences, describing how good it feels <3 you’d think he was railing smb if you heard him through the wall

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*GLANCES AT POST* SELF CARE IS WRITING 2000 WORDS ABOUT HOW CARTOON CHARACTERS MASTURBATE <3 TAKE ME TO JAIL ITS OKAY I ACCEPT MY FATE  NOT SURE HOW MUCH OF THIS WAS LEGIBLE BUT I HOPE Y’ALL ENJOYED MSNDSD.