#BUT I’D REALLY APPRECIATE IT IF YOU FID

[tender-hearteddd]

bertholdt x oc longfic plot summary kinda??

aot spoilers (basically all seasons ://)

it’s kinda long but I would appreciate it if you read it all and gave me some much needed feedback, the storyline isn’t really laid out so beware 🙁

no one asked but I’m writing this bertholdt x oc longfic where my oc is from a fictional country based on my two cultures (north african and south asian) and her name is nazanin and shes apart of this secret organization of all women spies and they basically control governments behind the scenes and she joins the warrior candidates to gain back her homelands titan from marley and she makes friends with the warriors candidates but she’s best friends with bertholdt and blah blah blah they’re besties and she eventually gains back her homelands titan and this secret government organization is like ‘good now our homeland can return back to its greatness’ and marley is like ‘uhhh noooo we can’t lose any geopolitical power whatsoever so we’re going to intentionally send this little young brown girl to an island that has no one of her race living there I’m sure this will have no consequences at all’ they do this intentionally because they don’t want her homeland gaining back any power so she’s sent to paradis, her job in the breaching of wall maria is to go straight to the kings castle and kidnap the supposed founding titan and when she goes and grabs the king, she realizes he’s not the founding titan!! and she’s just kinda standing their awkwardly not knowing what to do and she looks around and there’s all these kings maids and workers and it turns out she’s not the only brown person there but there’s a whole race of her people living in the underground and they work as maids for the people in the inner wall!!! but they’re all oppressed because 1. classism 2. racism lol and she has like an existential crisis because of it and also her people praise her titan as their god/savior but they think it’s a god, not a person turning into a titan and rod reiss knows that abt these peoples belief and he knows that this thing isn’t a god but a titan shifter so he suspects that the maids and all the other workers have the titan and they attacked the king bc they know abt the founding titan but it was nazanin the whole time so all the kings workers are basically being tested to see if theyre titan shifters (they’re not) by rod reiss and the MPs VIOLENTLY assaulting them, they’re having body parts being cut off, majority are being killed, they’re mental health just becomes extremely worse; and that’s also apart of her existential crisis; anyways she goes crazy on this island, the 104th think she’s some type of crazed lunatic, she never sleeps, she never eats, she takes too long in the shower, she talks to nothing but really she’s talking to the person who held her titan before her (her father), she has vivid hallucinations, all she sees is blood on her hands, she sees people as Titans, and she could’ve swore she’s seen something glow out of Ymir’s wounds that one time she just loses her head on this island but it’s also apart of her training to be a spy for the secret government org she was kinda forced to be apart of and I’m not saying that all these people in the org have powers but they do have a higher level of consciousness and mental well being (nothing like telekinesis though or anything like superhero like) and in order to reach this level, you have to overcome the challenges of your mind and stuff like that anyways I’m sorry this is soooo long omg sorry I talked abt this on my Twitter account and people were just being really gross and racist bc my oc was a woc and it was an oc fic and that’s why I switched to tumblr lol I needed an outlet to express my thoughts so but I think I may have bertholdt be a prisoner for the survey corps and they use him whenever they need him and than he’s sent back to his cell or I may have him go back to marley and have him and OC be enemies and make it a friends to lovers to enemies fic or I may have eren be captured by the warriors but he’s turned into a warrior kinda but I’m leaning towards the first option and the second option

[royalbluehues]

This Heat

A/N: I’m so sorry that I’m taking forever to update Cognitive Fidelity, but it’s just not there yet, ya know what I mean? Anywho, I wrote this little tid-bit when I was sleeping over at a friends house Wednesday. 

So, some of you might live in regions that probably get around over a hundred, but I was born and raised in So-Cal, and eighty degrees feels like literal hell, and sixty degrees calls for a beanie and a coat. So don’t @ me. 

Cognitive Fid. should be posted later on this week, so sorry for the wait. I hope you don’t mind this little Rk900 fluff fic. 

If you’d like, I’d be more than willing to write some small little drabbles in the duration of the wait for the next chapters Cog. Fid. and Closing Curtains. If you do, send me an ask with a request for Connor boi, and I’ll be happy to deliver.

As always, feedback would be greatly appreciated. Tyvm

Title: This Heat

Author: royalbluehues

Warnings: Some of you might roll your eyes at my inability to stand eighty degree weather.  

Pairings: Rk900 x Reader

If there was a way you could describe this heat, it would be the equivalent to what you would imagine Satan's oven would be like.

An oven situated in the fiery inferno of his personal volcano.

That is, if he had an volcano.

You vocalized this vivid image to your companion. “Rk, it's so hot!” You whined to him, using an envelope you found in the car's console to fan yourself with rapidly. “Have I ever told you how much I hate the heat? This is honestly the most disgusting thing ever.”

He responds with a bored tone, gray eyes mostly rolling as he turns the steering wheel. “You act as if this is the most hottest temperature you've ever endured. Honestly, you sound like a child.”

You twist uncomfortably in your seat, feeling the slick sweat that had accumulated behind your thighs stick to the seat. “No, I'm about 99% sure this is the hottest day ever.”

You turn to him, pouting. “How on earth are you not hot in that outfit? You're wearing a turtleneck for Christ’s sake. And black.”

“It’s only a jacket.”

“A jacket in one hundred degree weather,” you say in disgust, reaching behind you to lift your ponytail.

He turns to quickly look at you, creeping vexation filling his gray eyes. “It’s eighty four degrees outside.”

“Exactly!” You exasperate, shifting in your seat once more, “You probably have some cooling system in you. I don't. I'm filled with hot blood and organs and I sweat. You don't know how good you got it.” You sigh deeply, moving the improvised fan as a slower pace, and when you turn to him, he's looking down at you in bewilderment. “And don't even get me started on about when you’re on your period-”

“There are people dying and starving in other regions of the world, you whining child.” He accentuates the last part in disbelief.

Then, a wonderful idea pops into your mind, “Do you have a cooling system?”

He doesn't respond, fixing his attention on the road in front instead. You much preferred being able to operate a car rather than sit and awkwardly do nothing as you would in the automatic ones- hence the reason why you drove just about the only manual car in Detroit.

You raise your eyebrow, “You do, don't you?” You're shifting your torso to face him, a grin splitting your feature. You reach out to touch his pale hand that is gripping the steering wheel, and you are delighted when you find that his synthetic skin is cool to touch. “Oh, you sly son of a gun.”

His face twists in displeasure, but he doesn't object to when you pry his iron grip and rest it just above your breastbone. You let out a sigh of relief, the contact of his skin on yours feeling like the blast of cool ocean breeze back home. You let out a tiny moan, the cool feeling on heated skin absolutely delicious, and you don't see the smirk that pulls at his full lips. The cars comes to a stop in front of your house, and you turn to face him. “Nines-”

“No.”

“How did you even know what I was going to say?” You whine once more, now pressing his hand to your cheek. It's lax in your embrace and by now you've moved to throw yourself on top of the android over the center console.

“You're predictable.” He states, his cool gray eyes observing you with distaste.

You lean in to brush the tip of your nose against his, “Do you really hate me that much?”

You feel his knuckles moving, and he begins to rub slow circles into your cheek bone. “Not at all. You're just incredibly infuriating.”

You frown, moving to sit back in your respective seat as you hang your head in defeat. You let out a heavy sigh, “I knew you didn't love me.”

He tilts his head, “Had I not desired you, I wouldn't be sitting here.”

Your eyebrows shoot up in surprise but you shake your head, “That’s not the same thing as love-”

“Are you not hot? The less you speak the more time you’re able to enter into your house and sit in the air conditioning.”

You perk up, snatching your purse and swiftly exiting the car. He’s right behind you, listening to you as you sigh in bliss once more. “My air-conditioning system is my new love. You’re free to leave whenever you’d like,” you lightheartedly tease, twisting your hair up into a bun, “He’s a real man.”

“You’re assigning a gender to an inanimate object,” He replies coolly, shrugging off his two tone jacket and neatly folding it on the chair beside him.

You hum in approval, “Is that jealousy I hear from the cold Rk900?” You pique in interest, moving to lower the temperature to a lovely fifty-four degrees, “Over an inanimate object?”

The android scoffs, sitting on the couch and crossing his legs, “Whatever amuses you.”

You purse your lips, standing once more to wrap your arms around him, bending down to press small kisses about his skin. “I’m just joking, love. You know you have my heart. Not too sure if I have yours, but I think I do- you put up with me.”

His raises one dark and rounded eyebrow, “Especially with your incessant whining.”

You groan, resting your chin on his head. “That’s all you know how to complain about.” You feel him grab at your hands, his cool grip bringing a smile to your face.

You let go of him, stepping back to leave him be. You wander into your bedroom, quickly changing into cotton shorts and a tank top before you plop yourself on the bed.

Just as your drifting off to sleep, the bed dips beside you. You smile lazily, eyes still closed as you tighten your arms around your pillow, “Can’t stand to be without me?”

Cool and pale arms reach out to you, bringing you to him. You sigh for the third time that day in bliss when your cheek is greeted by the cool sensation of his bare chest. You feel his nose delve into your hair, and you could feel his lips just by your hairline. “Perhaps it’s the other way around.”

You give a small shudder as his words brush over you, and you press more into him.

“Maybe.” You agree.

He’s silent, but that small kiss he plants on the crown of your head was loud enough to affirm your earlier statement. He did love you, whether he wanted to admit it or not- he loved every inch of you, just as you did him.

Masterlist

[roslinadama-sinequanon]

Thoughts on Bad Blood

There was so much to love in this episode it’s hard to know where to begin. I already posted a long gushing review of my personal favorite part---all the talk amongst the characters about the wedding and the church--so I’ll just stick that on the end for anyone who didn’t see it.

So what was there to love? Here goes.

1. The quips-

Provenza after finding out Mary was in the class of 1973, his class-“She must have been a classmate Buzz-Oh and she retired 23 years ago. Provenza-You can lose the tone Buzz.

Love it when they tweak Provenza about how long he’s been around.

In the murder room: Sharon:  Mary took a swing at me when I relieved her of duty.  (Would like to have seen that and would love more stories about Sharon‘s time in FID)

-and-

Andy’s rather laconic “Well it was a bit of boys club back then and Sharon’s quick snap retort “Still is”, concluded with Andy’s chagrined look. They are so adorable.

Sharon: “I’m not sure though how much of a committed feminist Mary was. When I asked her for her service weapon back she called me a bitch. Provenza: Oh, well, that’s shocking.” Good call back to the days when they all thought Sharon was a bitch.

--and one of my favorites--

Tao- “Ah the future Mrs. Flynn” Sharon- “Well that’s still under discussion”

I know there is some debate over this but I’m really hoping she changes her name--and gets a new job title with it, Commander Flynn sounds good to me. For me, and please know I understand and respect everyone’s opinion on this, it seems disrespectful to Andy to keep another man’s name while she is married to him. If it was her family name it wouldn’t be such a big deal, but this is Jack Raydor’s name, the same Jack who pops in every now and then and would love nothing more than to tweak Andy with the fact that Sharon chose to keep his name and that they still share that in common while she chose not to make that commitment to Andy.  Again, this isn’t about keeping her name, this is about keeping Jack’s name and I just don’t think that is right. I think it would be hurtful to Andy and leave him feeling somewhat “less than” Jack in her life. At least that’s the way I’d feel if were him. Anyway, that’s just me. They’ll probably have her keep the name or keep the name at work where she will remain Raydor, but at home she’ll be Flynn. Still not a fan of the compromise but better than not changing at all. I’m just glad to hear that it is at least under discussion.

---And later at Mary’s apartment---

Amy after Sanchez busts the door in: “Wow and Sanchez probably isn’t half as strong as Dustin O’Brien” Then realizing her faux pas at his look, “Though, you know, plenty tough.”

And all the Provenza grumbling over Julio’s new personal life interfering with work was great, especially because you know he’s thrilled for Julio but just has to be a curmudgeon about it--the same as he is with Andy and Sharon’s relationship.

2. Continuity- Unlike many MC episodes where things happen and are never alluded to again, ahem, Andy’s letter, this episode actually flowed from the previous episode. It didn’t start out that way. I was so disappointed to see Andy and Sharon in the murder room completely business as usual and I was starting to think they were going to completely dismiss the fact that he proposed last week and we still didn’t know for sure if they were engaged--though Mary had said they were. I think that was done on purpose to freak us out a little. Look at how many times Sharon’s hands were shown, her fingers fluttering, I KNOW how many times because my eyes were glued to that damn TV looking for an engagement ring! They knew we’d all be looking for that ring and would be disappointed not to see it.

But alas, Ricky shows up and the rest of the episode is focused on the engagement and discussions about the wedding. Oh, if only this happened all the time. If so we might have seen what Andy and Sharon talked about after he asked what she needed him for and she told him to shut the door. We might have seen that first date at Serve, we might have found out what happened to Andy’s letter and if Sharon has even seen it yet, we might have gotten an honest to goodness “I love you”, and we might have seen or heard about what the heck happened after Andy’s heart attack, or even if it was mild or serious or what. For ONCE the writers didn’t drop the ball and I for one appreciated that.

3. Back story! We actually got more back story on SHARON and ANDY, OMG!

First off we got another story of Sharon during her FID days. I love it when they talk about her past position and officers she had to deal with in that capacity.  I’m really hoping before MC is over they do a storyline where someone from Sharon’s past, someone she had to fire when she was in FID, comes back to try to take revenge on her. Would love to see her and Andy and the team trying to deal with that.

Second-We got to hear more about Sharon’s life as a single mom and how tough it was. We tend to think of Sharon as she is now, pulling in over $150,000 a year, living in an elegant Los Feliz condo, always decked out in expensive designer clothes and shoes, but there was a time when she was a struggling single mom working all different shifts on patrol and not making nearly as much money. It was nice to hear how she leaned on her faith community to help her through that difficult time. It does take a village and Sharon knows that because she had to lean on that village. And it gave us greater insight into how she ended up in FID.

Third-We even got more of Andy’s back story, including his ex-wife’s name--Sandra. One thing I’ve always loved about Andy is that he is brutally honest about himself and never makes excuses for his past behavior. He was completely upfront with Ricky and Rusty about getting married too young and not being ready for kids and drinking too much. But never did he put any blame on a job which I’m sure had him working crazy hours, overtime etc and how much that strained his marriage etc. I’m sure there is a lot more to it than what he is saying, but AA has taught him to accept what he has done, accept the blame, make amends and move on. We can’t change what we’ve done in the past but we can change how we behave in the future and he wanted to assure the boys that he is emotionally prepared to be married this time. I thought it was quite touching that while the boys were not worried about Andy being a good husband for their mother, they were just fishing to find out if they could use emotionally unready as an excuse for him to get an annulment, Andy thought they needed to know what went wrong in his first marriage because they were worried about it happening again with Sharon. He’s such a sweetheart.

4. Ricky and Rusty teaming up-I love how they’ve moved beyond their initial distrust and formed this really great brotherly bond. It’s a great balance too, Ricky is able to speak to Sharon’s history in a way that is completely alien to Rusty and because Rusty is living with Sharon he can speak to her present in a way that is more alien to Ricky. Also, there is a comfort level Ricky has with being Sharon’s biological child, raised by her from birth that Rusty still doesn’t have. Ricky is not afraid to go blazing guns ahead when it comes to his mother because he knows that even if he makes a mistake or  pisses her off she is always going to love him. While I still see in Rusty the young man who is always trying to prove himself worthy of Sharon and trying so hard to do what he thinks she would want because while intellectually he knows that Sharon loves him and would never turn her back on him, there is a scarred child inside whose biological mother often turned her back on him and who always had conditions when it came to her love. He is starting to understand Sharon’s unconditional love but there is still a wariness I see in him.

5. Ricky Raydor! When we first met Ricky in the adoption episode I didn’t like him at all. I thought he was dismissive and condescending and I wondered how a woman with such amazing nurturing qualities raised such a selfish young man devoid of any sense of compassion. Now I can see why Sharon was so shocked and upset by Ricky’s behavior. Because it was definitely out of character, brought on by the normal jealousy he felt over his mother adopting another son and fed and played upon by a father who was doing everything in his power to stop Sharon from divorcing him, not caring if he hurt Rusty, Sharon and even Ricky in the process.  

When we met Ricky at Christmas I liked him a whole lot more. He definitely came off as the baby brother and Emily the indulgent older sister. I thought he was cute and sweet, wanting his Christmas to be just the way it was when he was kid. He also seemed to take a harder line on Jack’s drinking.   At first I wondered why Jack asked Sharon to talk to Emily about staying with him over the holidays rather than Ricky, but I get the feeling that Emily is more like Sharon in that nurturing kind of way and wouldn’t call him on his bad behavior or would at least be more sympathetic about it whereas I think he knew Ricky would have no patience with him. Given the timeline Sharon has spoken of in her marriage I think maybe Emily may remember a time when they were a family but Ricky probably has very few if any memories of that. I think his memories would be more of the father who showed up every few years or so, usually wanting something, and how upset it would make his mother, which is why he is very protective of her. Also, they may have had a falling out over Jack trying to manipulate Ricky into convincing Sharon not to adopt Rusty. I’m sure Ricky wasn’t happy to realize he’d been used that way and the damage that could have been created in his relationship with his mother. The look on Ricky’s face and the tears that welled in his eyes showed just how deeply he was affected by his mother’s disappointment in him as did how quickly he tried to rectify things.

In “Bad Blood” I wasn’t sure which Ricky would show up. A Ricky happy about the engagement or a Ricky who would try to convince his mother not to go through with it. Thankfully it was the former and Ricky was filled with excitement about the wedding, more so than anyone. I couldn’t help but notice he even hugged Andy first--and was comfortable enough to do so. From the first time we met Ricky he and Andy seemed to be friendly and in some ways Ricky reminds me of Andy, emotional, impatient, eager and impulsive.

And can I just say how much do I love that Ricky and Emily took matters into their own hands and went to Jack to lay down the law with him. You do this for our mother or we are DONE with you.  It really gave us such great insight into the close relationship between Sharon/Emily/Ricky and how as adults Ricky and Emily are able to look back and see just how much their mother gave to them, how much she sacrificed for them and now that she has the chance to be happy with a man who loves and cherishes her the way she deserves to be loved and cherished they are going to make damn sure she gets that chance and if that means cutting out the man who was pretty much just a sperm donor in their lives, than so be it.

And why would Jack care? He was never a part of his kids lives, spends years without being in contact with them, never paid a dime of child support and the only reason he even got in touch with them recently was because Sharon threatened to evict him. So would losing them really matter? I think it would. I do think that underneath it all Jack does care about them, he’s just a selfish, thoughtless person and things will always have to be on his terms. They will never come first with him and he will never have a problem manipulating them to get what he needs. And he needs them now. He always had Sharon as a back up plan. When things went wrong, when he lost big gambling or was drinking again or didn’t have a place to stay he’d show up on Sharon’s doorstep and she’d help clean up his mess for him. He isn’t going to have that now that they are divorced and Andy is in the picture. So, as he gets older he’s probably realizing he needs what little family he has left. He’s a user and always will be.

6. The Ring- I think it was a lovely choice for Sharon, it’s classic and elegant, beautiful with all the diamonds on the band as well as the large emerald cut, and yet it is not flashy and in your face. Understated elegance--- that is Sharon. I think it will look even better when the narrow band is coupled with a wedding ring to give the emerald cut a little more balance. I liked that people were interested in the ring, Julio, Tao and Ricky. But I do wish Sharon’s response had been a little different when Andy said “I can’t afford a ring as beautiful as she deserves” ( I really thought he was going to say , as beautiful as she is, and realized he’s never once told her she’s beautiful or that she what she’s wearing looks nice, however, she has at least called him handsome) and she just said “This is much more than enough” I don’t know, I just wish she’d said “Andy, it’s a beautiful ring and I love it, it’s certainly more than enough.” Though from the kind or roll of her eyes when he said that I got the impression that she’s told him that a few times.

7. Domestic Andy-It was a little thing really, but while Ricky was admiring Sharon’s ring I loved how it was Andy in the background cleaning up with Rusty. I like seeing Andy feeling at home in Sharon’s condo and his thoughtfulness in allowing Sharon to spend time with a son she doesn’t get to see as much as she’d like. I’m sure he told her “You sit and visit with Ricky, Rusty and I will clean up” That said, I hope they will finally get a home of their own so we can see “their” home, a part of Andy and Sharon. As far as I can see there is nothing of Andy’s in that condo. It is Sharon’s condo and Andy is just living there. They need something that is theirs together.

8. Sharon’s religious beliefs being treated respectfully-I’m glad that everyone understood Sharon’s beliefs and her need to marry in the church and didn’t try to sway her into giving them up or put them down as silly or antiquated. It is nice to see a modern, intelligent, liberal woman who also has strong religious beliefs but is not a zealot. A woman who relies on her faith but is not blind to its shortcomings(your rules father not mine). And it is nice to see the people around her being understanding of these beliefs rather than condescending.

9. Balance--I loved the way this episode balanced out. Now, I know I watch this show for a different reason than many do, for the personal stories not so much the cases--although there have been some good ones. But in most episodes we get a quick personal scene and then 40 minutes of the case and then maybe one more quick personal scene before the end and usually these personal scenes are Sharon/Rusty, thought lately they’ve been Sharon/Andy/Rusty. In this episode we didn’t have those 40 minutes where my mind starts to wander and I start to look at the clock with worry thinking it’s almost over and I want more personal interaction. In this episode we went continually from the case to a personal scene and those personal scenes weren’t just Sharon and Rusty we got Sharon/Andy/Ricky/Rusty, Sharon/Ricky, Julio/Mark in a couple different scenes, Andy/Ricky/Rusty, Ricky/Rusty and finally Sharon/Andy/Ricky/Rusty again.  By interspersing the personal stuff throughout the case--and with different characters--- it kept me completely engaged without any ho hum moments.

As good as this episode was, there were still a few things that I thought were missing.

First of all any kind of personal conversation about their wedding between Sharon and Andy. Again, we know they’ve talked about the wedding and marriage, Andy is aware Sharon wants to marry in the church and they’ve discussed whether she is going to become Sharon Flynn or remain Sharon Raydor, but I’d like for us to get the opportunity to witness some of these scenes. Sharon’s always been given great scenes with Rusty, she’s had great scenes with Ricky and Andy had a great scene with the boys but we’ve never been given that with Sharon and Andy. They’ve had touching moments, but they’ve never had an actual emotional or frank full-out conversation. I am hoping that we will see that in the next few episodes, however, now that the proposal is over and everyone has been told I have a feeling Shandy will be put on the back burner for the rest of the season. MC just is not good with storyline continuation and Shandy has never been an ongoing interest of Duff‘s.

The other thing I felt that was missing was any kind of personal interaction about the proposal between Flynn and Provenza. Provenza has been following this romance from day 1, he’s had tons of comments about it--especially when he was against it--and is as far as we know he’s the only one other than Andy who has seen the letter expressing Andy’s love for Sharon. He is also, as of yet, the ONLY character on MC who has mentioned the word “love” when it comes to Sharon and Andy. He is Andy’s best friend and has a kind of fatherly/big brother relationship with Sharon so I really expected him to have some kind of comment; either last week while Andy was trying to propose or this week once the engagement had been announced. I hope we get something in the future.

The last and most stark thing that I think that was missing was yet again no “I love you”. How does a couple get all the way to being engaged without ever saying the words “I love you?” I thought for sure when Andy was talking to the boys and started to assure them that he was emotionally ready to marry Sharon that he was about to say that he loved Sharon and was emotionally ready, but it was again skipped. Which is okay, because I really want him to say it to her, and even more so want HER to say it to him. Andy has always been ahead of Sharon in this relationship, always seemed to be the one who was more “into” it so I would love for the first time we hear “I love you” for it to come from Sharon.

So what‘s left on the Shandy list?  Still waiting to check off “I love you”  “A Kiss” “A real honest heartfelt conversation” and “Sexy Shandy” (and by sexy Shandy I mean the two of them flirting and teasing, maybe a few innuendos --you know acting like normal  couples in love act, not like brother and sister). But we’ll have to move on and hope that a future episode will have those.

Because it belongs on my list of favorite things from this episode if you didn’t see my post about how much I loved all the personal conversations about the church and the wedding and are interested you can continue on to do so here

So glad Sharon is going to be able to get married in the church. The importance of the church in her life became even more apparent tonight. We’ve known about the strength of her faith and her adherence to its rules since she was on the Closer and throughout Major Crimes. But tonight thanks to Ricky we got  see the help and support the church gave to a struggling single mother when she was not making the kind of money she makes now by giving her a break on her kids education and also providing childcare during a time when she was working cop’s hours. As the sister of a police officer I can say that traditional childcare is definitely an issue for the shifts they have to work and when they are held over in forced overtime.

Knowing how important it would be for their mother to marry in the church, Ricky gets the ball rolling on an annulment and he and Emily go to Jack and threaten not be a part of his life anymore if he tries to hold up the annulment. How freaking great was that! Love those kids!

I was overjoyed to see how happy and enthusiastic Ricky was over this wedding. He really just wants so much for his mom to be happy–and in the quick little scene with Rusty later in the episode we get a glimpse of Ricky’s frustration, probably shared with Emily, over how much time their mother wasted on Jack. Glad to see adoption episode Ricky was an aberration.

It was also apparent how much Sharon wants to be married in the church in her conversation with Ricky. When he’s prodding her on why she has her foot on the break, she says there are issues and that getting married in the church…at which point she gets emotional and can’t even talk about it because she feels it is impossible. That she’d never be able to convince Jack to sign off on an annulment. And when Ricky asked her if she would be willing to marry outside the church and let them stop dictating who is her family she just kind of rolls her head back, like “come on Ricky”.  

I’m glad they didn’t take the easy way out and just have them marry outside the church–not that we’ve got any wedding plans yet, but it’s pretty apparent where they are leaning. I think it would not have been true to who Sharon is to have her throw out all her years of adhering to her Catholic beliefs and suddenly be fine with losing some of what the church offers her spiritually and emotionally. I do think if they were unable to make that happen Sharon would finally agree to marry outside the church, but I’m glad that doesn’t have to happen now. I really didn’t like the idea of Sharon having to lose something so important to her in order to marry Andy. I so want this wedding and marriage to be nothing but a happy time in her life full of GAINS, no losses.

That said, I think that Andy not having a clue about the annulment was a little silly. At the end of the episode when his ex-wife calls and said she applied for an annulment Andy tells Sharon they may be able to marry in the church after all. So obviously the two of them talked about that after the proposal and discussed the need for annulments. From the beginning Andy has been the one pushing ahead in this relationship and was so gung ho about the proposal and moving forward I would think he would have jumped at contacting his ex-wife about starting the process. After all, she’s already re-married so I doubt it would mean much to her whereas I could see Sharon’s worry about Jack. Nasty bastard that he is, he would have held her off just to spite her and out of jealousy.

Since Rusty said he’d take care of getting Andy’s annulment I’m betting he called Nicole, told her the problem and that she went to her mom and got her mom to get the annulment started.  Good thinking Rusty. But again, a little strange that Andy didn’t question why after all these years of being re-married his ex suddenly wants an annulment days after he has become engaged? Aren’t you a detective Andy?

But, I’m not going to quibble over that because I’m just so freaking happy. I have been really hoping for a church wedding because I know how important it is Sharon and because I am hoping this wedding will be a big deal.

[vichee]

She never listened to me.

She didn't understand that I accepted maybe I was wrong. Whenever we talked, all that was in her mind was that im automatically wrong. She never got that maybe she should accept that its possible she's wrong. In my point of view, she let the words control her, not the other way around. She admitted she didn't make sense at times but her anger kept her going. It brought up nightmares and overthinking and overall not making sense. Just like how when I overthought stuff. She didn't take her own advice. Her actions defined her not her words. When I fid wrong, It showed I have problems. When I actually did things to become better, it showed who I was becoming. Not my words, not what I said, my actions. She did acts of love like crying for me, giving supportive messages that weren't necessary but appreciated, and even the small parts of love like not letting me watch something without her. And even after that, i overthought, i got nervous, she gave me advice that im wrong, that its okay, and that helped. I tell her the same thing when she overthinks and no, Im wrong. Im always wrong. And for saying stuff like this, for saying how I feel, she tells me im wrong, she tells me I only think about myself, she thinks im trying to bring her down and bring me up. When the results in my situation is i respected her message and followed through on it, tried it. Because I loved her and anything to make it better is worth the try. And I understand that its okay for her to do these things, that its who she is and I've always accepted who she is. It just really sucks that this is what keeps us apart. An impenetrable wall. She'll never listen to me. Even when I left her alone, she told me to remove my tumblr because she couldn't shake the habit of looking me up. But her story changes, she doesn't hate me, she sees me as a good person, but she never felt anything for me. Like what do you think you're action yells out? It doesn't matter what you say, what you did shows how you feel. And I was the bad guy for not giving her what she wants. "You don't love me, if you did you'd do this for me" Kiana, like really? Thats using my love against me, don't you see the words control you? You say anything to justify what you say you want to feel. But it makes no sense, why do you think you have so many strong opinions about everything but with me its "idk" or it doesn't make sense and you agree that it doesn't? Our last talk, she was just trying to find a way to be angry at me, and she found it. And thats how it ends man. Who knows if she did it because she found someone else already. But she always told me that she'd be left behind and I'd be the one happy. I know I've done wrong and I wanted to stay with you for so long, but what you did in the end was such hypocrisy. Feeling bad isn't a get out of jail free card to do what you want. You can do what you want, but putting all the blame on me to get out squeaky clean? Thats not how that works. I wish I could tell you that. I wish you could listen. But even then, I wish you wouldn't just tell me I'm shit and laugh and shout when I'm trying to make things better. I know you're hurting, its okay that you're just trying to get through this. But for the rest of my life, as the clock ticks by, I wish you would listen. That was the only chance we both had of being so happy together.