#BUT ANYWAY. I ACTUALLY LIKE THIS LIKE WOW

[astonmartinii]

day six: not so home for christmas | oscar piastri social media au

pairing: oscar piastri x fem reader

oscar and y/n are having their first christmas in monaco because of a snow storm, unfortunately this also means they're now hosting most of the grid as well.

MASTERLIST | TIP JAR

yourusername

liked by charles_leclerc, landonorris and 137,094 others

tagged: oscarpiastri

yourusername: thanks a lot snow storm :( i guess it's our first ever christmas here in monaco

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user1: yall global warming might just be real

user2: you're only just realising it now ?

charles_leclerc: you kids and your complaining - a white christmas in monaco, what more could you want?

yourusername: a christmas at home with our families?

charles_leclerc: families? when you're in your adopted father-in-law's home city, i'd watch your tone if i were you

oscarpiastri: if you think of your kids as often as you say then you should be worried that your aussie son is going to FREEZE to death :(

charles_leclerc: if it's the bbq you crave, you can still do that?

yourusername: it's snowing? and he is NOT bringing our bbq inside

charles_leclerc: okay jeez, not much christmas spirit here i see

oscarpiastri: we miss our families, sue us

user3: wait... if they couldn't get out of nice... who else couldn't

user4: the storm kicked in like a day ago right?

user5: based on instagram activity, my guess is that max, lando, ollie (idk why he was in monaco anyway), kimi (i think he's attached to ollie), alex (and lily) and george

user6: i know it would never happen but wouldn't it be so cute if we got a grid christmas dinner

yourusername: please don't give them any ideas

oscarpiastri: i only just got rid of them 😩

landonorris: so, just out of interest, is y/n still free to maybe wrap my presents for me?

yourusername: do i look like the christmas fairy to you?

landonorris: well i know for a fact that oscar's ass was not wrapping those presents

oscarpiastri: well y/n actually likes doing things for me soooooo

landonorris: PLEASE Y/N I'LL HAVE TO RESORT TO USING TIN FOIL

yourusername: tin foil... please you are a 25 year old man

landonorris: does it look like i'm a man who has sellotape in his house?

yourusername: no.

user7: y/n is like a full time mum to a load of men all older than her

user8: she better get ready to cook for them at christmas because none of these men can cook for themselves

oscarpiastri

liked by charles_leclerc, maxverstappen1 and 692,108 others

tagged: yourusername & landonorris

oscarpiastri: i'm not sure how this went from our lonely christmas away from both of our families to babysitting half of the grid but what the hell, sure

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user10: i personally blame all of you for this

user11: and what??? i'm so excited

user12: i hope they post nothing more just to spite your ass

charles_leclerc: i’m kinda offended no one thought of coming to mine :/

maxverstappen1: you’re shit at cooking

charles_leclerc: how would you know?

maxverstappen1: i saw it in your vlog

charles_leclerc: you watch my vlogs???

maxverstappen1: NO?

yourusername: okay queens stop flirting and get back to your stations in the kitchen

charles_leclerc: can we flirt there?

yourusername: if you're still peeling - knock yourselves out

user13: y/n basically confirming lestappen? wow christmas DID come early this year

user14: the real question is why she would let those menaces in the kitchen?

yourusername: i have seen how much these people eat, i need help even from the useless

yourusername: also if they want certain dishes from home they have to help

maxverstappen1: i am CORING AS MANY APPLES AS I CAN I PROMISE THE APPLE BEIGNETS WILL BE WORTH IT

oscarpiastri: i know they will be, y/n is making them

maxverstappen1: okay buddy, i don't see you helping

oscarpiastri: i am keeping everyone else in line, that's a full time job as well

user15: who made the youngest couple in charge of these fools?

user16: a comedic genius

yourusername: they're annoying but i'll deal with them for you

oscarpiastri: you make such sacrifices for me, i love you

yourusername: i love you more

alexalbon: we're really not that bad you guys are being dramatic

yourusername: george walked up to our mantle piece, pointed at my baby picture and said "ugly. my condolences" ?

alexalbon: that's george ? he's mean to everyone

yourusername: HE'S IN THAT BABY'S HOUSE

olliebearman

liked by charles_leclerc, estebanocon and 418,934 others

tagged: yourusername, oscarpiastri & kimiantonelli

olliebearman: first christmas with my big brother :))))

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user17: yall be on oscar about him holding onto the leclerc family joke but the real enemy is ollie

olliebearman: i think it's cute

olliebearman: and it's NOT a joke

user18: you know what? yeah i'd also keep going with the joke i need to get in that leclerc family

olliebearman: the real catch here is y/n she's going to teach me to crochet :)

yourusername: we can make little bear mans !!!

user19: the grid dad stuff was cringey... but grid brother well that's hitting like crack i fear

charles_leclerc: grid dads are cringey ??? count your days

user19: sorry?

charles_leclerc: i (and my family) will NOT tolerate sebastian vettel slander. not now not EVER

fernandoalo_oficial: and me?

charles_leclerc: i couldn't give a fuck about you old man

fernandoalo_oficial: excuse me

fernandoalo_oficial: i'll have you know i am just as much oscar's father as you are

charles_leclerc: and how have you come to that OBVIOUSLY WRONG conclusion

fernandoalo_oficial: WELL i don't know maybe his REAL grid dad is actually mark webber who i have a well documented homoerotic relationship with and therefore oscar and most importantly Y/N are my children

charles_leclerc: what a load of bullshit

charles_leclerc: if grid children were based on homoerotic tension then i'd be father to all of the red bull juniors and max would have custody of the FDA

maxverstappen1: well....

pepemarti: hi !!!

dinobeganovic: hey.....

yourusername: what happened to the original plot of the movie

user20: i think the cabin fever is getting to them

lilymunhe: no they're like this all of the time it's exhausting

yourusername: tell me about it

olliebearman: but not me :(

yourusername: no we love you

oscarpiastri: you are the least annoying one

olliebearman: omg thank you :3

yourusername

liked by maxverstappen1, alexalbon and 163,207 others

tagged: oscarpiastri, charles_leclerc & landonorris

yourusername: not so home for christmas but with family nonetheless

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user22: what was the dress code here?

landonorris: what we had left? all the dry cleaners are closed because of the storm

yourusername: you take ALL of your clothes to the dry cleaners?

landonorris: why wouldn't i do that...

yourusername: yk what, whatever !

user23: omg of course leo was there as well

yourusername: we only invited charles for him

charles_leclerc: excuse me?

landonorris: he was invited ????

oscarpiastri: well he was staying in monaco anyway and you guys all invoked your squatters rights in my house so what was one more

landonorris: i am not squatting? my ass is already big enough as it is

yourusername: i know your ass is big because YOU'RE ALWAYS SAT ON IT

oscarpiastri: god i love you

yourusername: i love you even more

oscarpiastri: nuh uh not possible

yourusername: i love you so much i'm not even that angry about half of the grid crashing our christmas

oscarpiastri: i love you so much that i personally barged a child out of the way to get you your eras tour merch

yourusername: i do love my merch.... but not as much as i love you

oscarpiastri: you're so romantic

georgerussell63: right that's it, i am SICK of you people pretending you are not enjoying our presence

yourusername: did i or did i not say family ???

oscarpiastri: george i'd appreciate if you didn't talk to y/n this way

maxverstappen1: yeah back the fuck off

georgerussell63: why is max here?

maxverstappen1: ummmm y/n busted her ass to make apple beignets for me so i had some netherlands with me at christmas so i would die for her. i am somwhat fond of oscar as well

maxverstappen1: so fuck with them, you fuck with me

maxverstappen1: and you seem to like doing that recently

yourusername: awwww thanks max!

oscarpiastri: we are fond of you too buddy

georgerussell63: how did i lose this?

user24: max out here getting wags on his side

maxverstappen1: that's my ma

maxverstappen1: wait that makes my homoerotic tension with charles incest

maxverstappen1: that's my home girl

oscarpiastri

liked by landonorris, jackdoohan and 1,094,577 others

tagged: yourusername

oscarpiastri: y/n absolutely smashed our makeshift grid christmas and she said she'll accept thanks in qualifying tows or easy passes on track 👍

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user25: oh they want me dead

user26: i would do questionable things to get a slice of that cake

user27: drop the recipe please xxx

yourusername: oh babe i be following the tiktoks like the rest of yall - i'll repost it

user28: woman of the people

yourusername: babe i don't really remember saying those exact words...

oscarpiastri: PLEASE ! they don't say no to you now you've filled their stomachs

landonorris: he's not wrong

maxverstappen1: you're in my will now

charles_leclerc: you're now my favourite daughter in law

yourusername: i'm your only daughter in law?

charles_leclerc: idk kimi and ollie are pretty attached with their weird tension

landonorris: like father like son

charles_leclerc: huh?

landonorris: huh?

oscarpiastri: ^^ see !!!! y/n please !!!

yourusername: fine.

yourusername: thank you all for coming, i hope you enjoyed dinner and your time with us. i loved spending time with you all but if you wish, i will be accepting thanks in the form of qualifying tows and easy passes for oscar or pornstar martinis from any hospitality

yourusername: happy?

oscarpiastri: yes

oscarpiastri: YOU HEARD THE WOMAN GUYS

maxverstappen1: oh i love y/n but i'd rather put you in the wall than let that ugly orange car past without a fight

georgerussell63: @fia i told yall

yourusername: are you ever gonna give that up ?

georgerussell63: no? and i KNOW IT WAS YOU WHO SAT ME NEXT TO HIM AT DINNER

yourusername: you'll never prove it :P

user29: oscar is such a sassy man

yourusername: he gets it from his momma

oscarpiastri: and you :)

yourusername: i will say your ability to watch my reality tv with you is a big factor in how much i love you

landonorris: is that why oscar once woke me up the night before a race by shouting "get her ass lisa" ???

oscarpiastri: we watch real housewives together on facetime :)

charles_leclerc

liked by pierregasly, carlossainz55 and 1,130,672 others

tagged: yourusername & oscarpiastri

charles_leclerc: i made the right choice in son and most importantly daughter in law

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user31: okay the cinnamon buns have thrown me over the edge now

user32: i NEED to know who asked for them

alexalbon: guilty 💅 and they slapped thanks y/m

oscarpiastri: we've been dating for years? like when i was still in f3?

charles_leclerc: semantics

oscarpiastri: no i met and charmed y/n all on my own thank you very much

charles_leclerc: because she saw the future and the potential of our prosperous family !!!

oscarpiastri: at this point, whatever you wanna hear old man

charles_leclerc: relegated below ollie

olliebearman: score !!!

user33: oh these people are never letting this joke die are they

user34: i think we're stuck with it

charles_leclerc: are you people sick of whimsy ???

charles_leclerc: i am ALLOWED to flex my son's amazing choice in women, especially a woman who will make me a swiss roll on demand

yourusername: he does have amazing taste

oscarpiastri: thank you :3

yourusername: as much as you guys were somewhat annoying, we had an amazing christmas xx

oscarpiastri: please do not bother us until march

charles_leclerc: fine. but we're still on for the double date in melbourne?

charles_leclerc: (maybe triple? idk ollie can just bring kimi)

kimiantonelli: score !!!

yourusername: we would love to !

oscarpiastri: i guess you could meet my actual family ?

charles_leclerc: not now oscar, let me enjoy chritmas with you all before you remind me of that

oscarpiastri: okay?

user35: y/n and oscar actually have the patience of saints because if these clowns crashed my christmas i'd be on the news

yourusername: any christmas is perfect with him

oscarpiastri: with y/n, i can get through even the most annoying people

user35: okay yall didn't have to flex on me that hard damn

fin.

note: here's day six! i'm not sure if you guys saw my update post but this series won't be done by christmas day but will stretch to NYE because unfortunately my cat has to be put down :( i've had him for nearly 19 years and it's really hard to think about him being gone so i'm just spending as much time as possible with him atm. anyway, i hope you enjoyed !! xx

[merlucide]

BLLK BOYS X SHORT READER!

notes: ayeeee self indulgent this time 🥹 short girlies wya [requested!]

characters: Isagi, Nagi, Rin, Shidou

warnings: cursing, cringe, not proofread

ISAGI YOICHI

He’s not the type to openly say smth about another’s appearance, but he thinks your shortness is so freaking cute!! 🥹

Doesn’t comment on your height like ever— he doesn’t want to cross any boundaries or make you feel uncomfortable!!

Isagi isn’t the tallest guy around— but he isn’t short!!! so he feels extra manly when you need his help grabbing things from the top shelf hehe

he loves how easy it is just to ‘mwah! mwah!’ On your forehead :)

if anyone wants to talk shit about you being funsized they’ll have a personal meeting with Isagi Yoichi’s filthy mouth

Which ofc no one will bc you’re to much of a cutie to be shat on 😌 and you got slursagi and Writer-Kira on your back, WE GOT YOU COVERED BOO 🗣️🗣️

Thinks that ?? Cus you’re short ?? You’re fragile ??

which Yoichi honey- 😭 thanks

hes always holding your hands anyways but will YANK you closer to him when he thinks your going to fall/hit smth

and while you appreciate the loving gesture— ITS A BIT EXCESSIVE NO?

’Yoichi I’m not going to fall over in the wind y’know’

’I mean you did that one time tho?— But anyways!!’

hes a big cutie ugh

NAGI SEISHIRO

hes so tall anyways everybody is short af to him lmao 😭 so when you first meet him he just kinda stares at you

’oh, they’re rlly rlly small, pocket size? yeah that makes sense’ is his thought process LMAOO

he doesn’t poke fun at your height to much— oh who am I kidding yes he freakin does

first thing bro said to you was ‘wow, you’re so little’

If your ignoring him bc you’re on your phone/wtv he will take it and hold it above his head and only give it back when you give him attention and affection (sounds like a good trade tbh)

When he hugs you it looks like a big-overgrown baby hugging its stuffed animal HA

Lmao when you cant reach smth he just picks you up under your arms and lets you grab it yourself 😭

Just kinda like- flooooooaaaaaaat up 😭🙏

okay back to the stuff animal thing- when yall snuggle n cuddle that’s how it is 😭 just sorta, traps you 😭

Or he just plops on top of you. No matter the position, you will be trapped

Temple kisser!!!! :3

RIN ITOSHI

Doesn’t pay much attention to your height, he don’t gaf

— Is the mindset he had until you couldn’t find your shoes and just borrowed Rins.

But Rins feet and humongous

and your feet as small af

so you just looked like a clown LMAO

’Y/n have you seen my—‘

He actually laughed, it was an ugly wheeze, which lasted about 5 seconds before asked you ‘wtf are you doing’

He realized just how freaking smaller than him you were!!

He thought it was so cuuuuuteee (not that he’d ever admit that smh)

now feels the need to protect you from the dangers of the world LMAO (omega verse type shit 🗣️)

when Rins feeling pissy he’ll put all— ALL of your things in places you can’t reach

for two reasons:

1. He’s petty

2. You’ll have to ask for him help

A perfect plan tbh

which crumbles when you screech over the chair just to get your pants

*cue glaring rin*

SHIDOU RYUSEI

is the biggest shit out of all of these hoes

Like bro checks ALL OF THE BOXES

1) Puts stuff in top shelf. 2) Teases you RELENTLESSLY. 3) Tackles you onto the bed with his body. 4) will go ham on anyone who teases you

shidou 🤤

Alwqys offers to give you piggy-back rides!

even if you don’t want it he’s like, already crouched down signaling his hands like ‘hurry up—get on’

Like he will just *pick* you up 😭 when the feels like it

Going to the store? Might as well take Y/N on his back! Standing in line? Y/N on his shoulders! Walking around the house? Y/N is already thrown over his shoulder! The list goes on you could imagine

Thinks you’re so cute being smaller than him

And When you try to show him how ‘not cute you are’ he just smiles and pinches your cheeks like ‘aweeeee! Sure ya aren’t!’

He loves, loves, loves, LOVES, when you have to get on your tippy toes to kiss him

HES JUST LIKE ‘🤭+😏+😈’

’You struggling there sweets?’ ;} like YES. Now nvm😒

then picks you up and forces you to wrap you legs around him and give him that kiss he deserves 😌

ALSO HE LOVES SPINNING YOU AROUND RAAAAAAAA

not proofread, rushed af, I’m tired BUT I WAS HAPPY I GOT AN ASK SO WE PUSH THROUGH!! 🥹 thanks for reading!!!!

made December 19th 2024

[rabbitcrimes]

When people are like Wei Wuxian was NOT suicidal it’s like. Ok sure. He just believed that his debt to the Jiangs should be paid with everything up to and including his life. And also that the moral and obvious thing to do in any situation is to put himself between anyone and harm's way. This is because he thinks he’s unkillable but he makes himself unkillable for the same reason he’ll die for a good enough reason: because it’s a way to have worth!

And then famously once everything goes to shit he does beg Lan Wangji to let him die as part of the moment where he is either destroyed by his own evil magic or lets his own evil magic tear him apart, a distinction I don't personally think matters very much at that point. Less explicitly textually, his mentally ill ass behavior after he gives up his core says to me that he wishes that he'd died honorably for Jiang Cheng when he had the chance and doesn't know what to do with himself since he hasn't.

Again I’m aware that he’s operating under a pretty specific set of culturally informed norms as a cultivator and member of a sect but like. TO ME. Everything about how Wei Wuxian conducts himself indicates that he has a box in his mind at all times that says 'in case of emergency break glass' and what’s inside the box is his own death. All the sound of mind actions of a man who has a normal and not suicidal relationship to death.

[rebouks]

Previous // Next

Levi: How long are you gonna be mad at me..? Wren: How long are you gonna be a bellend? Levi: Wow. Wren: Have you even apologised to him? Levi: Do you even know what happened? Wren: I know enough. Levi: Well, I’m sorry for calling you a scrub. Wren: Maybe I am a scrub, maybe I don’t care-.. you clearly do though. Levi: Did you just call me a scrub? Wren: Probably. Levi: [scoffs] Probably-.. he knows I’m sorry, anyway. Wren: Have you said it though? Levi: No… Wren: Even little kids know how to say sorry-.. didn’t your parents teach you? Levi: No, actually. Wren: So, you have to learn the hard way-.. that makes sense, actually. Levi: I don’t like how smart you are. [Wren wrinkled her nose, sniffing exaggeratedly like a bloodhound] Wren: Can you smell bullshit? Levi: I don’t know, I’m not a dog. Wren: Your breath says otherwise. Levi: Hey, my teeth might be wonky but I still look afte-… Oscar: Ermmm, my office isn’t a hangout spot thank you very much-.. beat it! Levi: Sorry. Wren: Woah, look at you go. Levi: Funny. Oscar: Oh, Levi-.. there’s some leftovers in the fridge if you wanna take ‘em home, I made too much.

[seeingivy]

it's nice to have a friend

eren jaeger x f!reader

**part of my canary mate fic

previous part here

--

[lizontopoftheworld]: you know i’m about to do something huge today? 

[busstopbilly]: We’re finally getting married? 

[lizontopoftheworld]: NO 

[lizontopoftheworld]: okay wait that sounded mean 

[lizontopoftheworld]: like i was against the idea 

[lizontopoftheworld]: not that i’m for the idea

[lizontopoftheworld]: not that i’m not not for the idea 

[lizontopoftheworld]: ANYWAYS 

[lizontopoftheworld]: you have to stop flirting this type of thign is not good for my brain

[busstopbilly]: Everything alright? 

[lizontopoftheworld]: … 

[lizontopoftheworld]: just have a lot on my mind 

[lizontopoftheworld]: kind of scatterbrained 

[lizontopoftheworld]: i am going to confront the prick. 

[busstopbilly]: Wow, what gives? 

[busstopbilly]: Give him hell. 

[lizontopoftheworld]: nothing serious actually 

[lizontopoftheworld]: it’s just a thing for something we’re doing together 

[lizontopoftheworld]: BUT it’s a big deal because i’ve never really given input on this thing because i’ve assumed that he doesn’t necessarily want my input on this thing? granted i don’t think he takes advice from anyone but still 

[lizontopoftheworld]: i know what i’m saying is right and that i should so i’m going to 

[busstopbilly]: :) 

[busstopbilly]: Proud of you. 

[busstopbilly]: Are you nervous? 

[lizontopoftheworld]: i’ve prepared three counter arguments 

[lizontopoftheworld]: he literally will not catch me lacking and i’m going to try and keep my cool so that he knows that his dumb comments aren’t getting me 

[busstopbilly]: This is as much rehearsing as it takes for you to speak to your sister-in-law. 

[lizontopoftheworld]: god that’s a lost cause don’t even bring that up 

[busstopbilly]: Sometimes it feels like you’re a little harsh on her. 

[lizontopoftheworld]: SHE’S INSUFFERABLE BILLY 

[busstopbilly]: I’ll table that comment for another time. You’ve got to keep your wits about you. 

[busstopbilly]: Good luck, pretty girl. 

[lizontopoftheworld]: what’s up with you? 

[busstopbilly]: I am all types of frustrated. 

[busstopbilly]: It’s really hard to figure out what to do with what I’m working on. It’s aggravating because I know that it’s something that is entirely within my capabilities but I just can’t. 

[busstopbilly]: I’ve been working non-stop, been staring at my computer, and just getting so fucking frustated. It’s like I’m defective. Doesn’t help that it’s unreasonably high pressure at this point, but…

[lizontopoftheworld]: UGH im so sorry i didn’t mean to just start ranting at you with my own stuff 

[lizontopoftheworld]: you know, you’re very smart and capable. you’re going to figure it out eventually. 

[busstopbilly]: It’s weird. I was annoyed that I had the role I did before, but I fear I’m getting way too involved. I’m starting to care too much, which is never a good sign. 

[lizontopoftheworld]: it’s a good thing that you care 

[lizontopoftheworld]: and isn’t this close to like real medical stuff that you wanted to do?

[lizontopoftheworld]: just a sign that it’s something that’s actually stimulating. that you care about and want to work towards. 

[busstopbilly]: You always look for the positives. 

[lizontopoftheworld]: you should take notes, sweetheart 

[lizontopoftheworld]: and you shouldn’t demand perfection of yourself. you are not defective if something doesn’t work out. you’re still a regular person, it’s okay to get stumped or struggle with it a little bit. 

[busstopbilly]: You know, my dad DOES demand perfection of me. 

[lizontopoftheworld]: and that’s why we hate your dad. 

[lizontopoftheworld]: i know you demand perfection of yourself too, that wanting to do well is natural, but be a little bit nice to yourself. 

[lizontopoftheworld]: you’re going to figure it out. 

[busstopbilly]: Check back in at the end of the week. Hopefully, I’m still put together. 

[busstopbilly]:  By the way. 

[busstopbilly]: Sweetheart? 

[busstopbilly]: Do you mean that in a patronizing way or am I really your sweetheart? 

[lizontopoftheworld]: patronizing 

[busstopbilly]: You’re killing me. 

[lizontopoftheworld]: i’m sorry, sweetheart <3 

--

you find eren in the main conference room, early in the morning on thursday. you can tell that he’s hard at work – old scans from sessions printed against the wall that he’s made notes on, intelligible jargon on the glass whiteboards, and his hair an uncharacteristic mess – surely from the amount of times he’s run his hands through his hair. 

you clear your throat, recalling all the talking points that you had rehearsed in the mirror the night prior, as you knock on the door and cautiously enter the room. you note that the smell of coffee is overwhelming – the freshly brewed cup sitting two feet away from you – and that the trashcan seems to be overflowing with empty energy drinks. 

eren doesn’t even notice your presence, his green eyes still fixed to the scan that he’s staring at, his hand raised in the air with the pen. you note that he’s wearing his glasses, that it looks like he hasn’t slept since you saw him yesterday, as you walk up to his side. 

“working hard, hm?” you ask. 

eren’s startled by the sound of your voice, jumping in the slightest, as you widen your eyes and feel your cheeks flush. way to start off on a good note. 

“sorry! sorry, i figured you noticed that i was here when i walked up to you.” 

“were you saying something to me?” he asks. 

you shake your head. you can tell that your presence has shattered some semblance of his concentration – that he’s annoyed with you because of it –  as he sets his pencil down and basically collapses into the chair across from you. you follow suit, sitting down in the chair too, as you uncomfortably shift against the worn out foam. 

“i’m too fucking tired to have a fucking conversation with you right now.” he utters. 

you fight the urge to scoff. 

“does talking to me truly take so much effort?” you retort. 

eren rolls his eyes, before slumping back down into the chair. 

“when you’re so hellbent on arguing, it does. and you don’t seem to talk to me otherwise.” 

“you don’t have to argue if you just agree with me. and why on earth would i be so hellbent on arguing with the most insufferable person that i know?” 

eren shrugs, clearly irritated. 

“you tell me, y/n.” 

you clear your throat, cracking all the knuckles in your hand. 

“i’ve come to talk to you about colt. the trial. you can’t tell falco that he’s on the verge of getting kicked out.” 

eren pinches the bridge of his nose. 

“well, obviously –” 

“his brother means a lot to him. his accident was really traumatic for his family, and even though he promised he wouldn’t get so self-involved, he obviously is. i mean, it’s his brother. he can’t help it. and there’s a lot of hope that this is giving him and i’d be scared to prematurely stop him in his tracks if we didn’t need to. they both talk about it so much that it would demoralize gabi too.” 

“oh, it definitely would, and -” 

“and they’re both sweet kids. their sincere passion and interest in the project is so sweet, i would hate for them to feel like it’s not working, to think that all of their work, our work, has amounted to nothing. i think that you and i could figure out which treatment we should do this upcoming week on our own, if you’ll take my help, and then we can go from there.” 

“well, i - “ 

you can’t help but ball your fists in your lap. 

“look, i know you don’t really like me, that you probably think that i’m being stupid and soft-hearted and whatever right now, but this means a lot to me. and i know that basically means nothing to you, but i’m just asking you as your colleague? friend? whatever it is that we are to just do this for me. i’ve never asked you for anything before, i don’t think i ever will again, and i’d just…really appreciate it if you could –” 

you’re promptly cut off from giving your entire spiel because eren reaches forward, placing both of his warm hands on your cheeks, in efforts to get you to stop talking. you look forward, noting that his eyes are so deeply green – that he really does look exhausted – as he applies a firm pressure. 

“stop talking please.” he murmurs, his tone soft. almost like you’ve pained him my rambling for so long. 

“what?” you whisper. 

eren lets go, the warmth retreating from your face, as he leans back in his chair. 

“you didn’t hear a word i said, did you?” he asks, his tone rather soft. 

you frown. 

“did you say something?” 

“i pretty much agreed with you after the first sentence, y/n. don’t know what the fuck you’re blabbing on about.” he murmurs. 

“oh. really?” you murmur, slightly embarrassed. you wouldn’t have put so much effort if he was going to give in that easily. 

eren gives you a thoughtful nod, before leaning his head against the back of his chair, and rubbing at his eyes. 

“i’m well aware that you think i’m not capable of being fond of anyone. but i am, very fond, of both falco and his brother. i would hate to let either of them down or cause anyone unnecessary stress, especially when this entire thing is my idea, so i would like to keep it between us. i was actually intending on having this conversation with you when i arrived.” 

“i’ve been here for five hours. it’s almost one in the afternoon, eren.” 

eren groans. 

“it seems that time has gotten away from me.” 

“how long have you been here?” 

“since yesterday. i can’t seem to figure out which region to target next.” 

you swallow hard. 

“did you really stay here the entire time?” you ask. 

he nods. 

“biked here so that you wouldn’t go out of your way last night.” 

you sigh, as you flip through the stack of papers on the table. he’s highlighted a bunch of sentences, underlined and circled random words with questions on the side, as you reach for the closest pens. 

“are you okay with me helping? more than i already am? maybe i can try some machine learning with the data we already have and use some of the analysis you’ve been using so…so we can feel more confident? i know that you don’t like me but…” 

“stop fucking saying that.” 

“what?” 

“that i don’t like you. you’re prickly, but i don’t hate anyone.” 

prickly? 

“i’m consulting a bunch of people who do the stimulation, have a few meetings with specialists this week before i pick what we’re going with next week. we have to make our best chance at an educated guess.” 

you nod. 

“that’s smart.” 

“you..you can join in the meetings, if you’d like. might mention stuff for analysis that would be useful for you to hear in real time instead of repeated from me.” eren offers. 

you can’t help but smile. 

“you’re really nice when you’re tired.” 

“don’t get used to it.” 

--

[busstopbilly]: Hi princess. 

[busstopbilly]: Sorry I haven’t messaged in a while, I hope you know I wasn’t ignoring you. 

[lizontopoftheworld]: no problem 

[lizontopoftheworld]: been working myself to the bone so hard i didn’t notice :O 

[busstopbilly]: Tell me about it. 

[lizontopoftheworld]: any luck with your project? 

[busstopbilly]: Well, I’ve somehow elicited help. She actually offered, but it’s helping things move along. I’ll be able to rest after Wednesday, I guess.   

[busstopbilly]: How about you? My pretty girl’s not working too hard, right? 

[lizontopoftheworld]: i fell asleep on my laptop the other day. while i was still here. but that’s besides the point. 

[lizontopoftheworld]: worried about one of my children in the lab

[busstopbilly]: Your children? With who?

[busstopbilly]: We’d make cute children. 

[lizontopoftheworld]: you don’t know what i look like. i don’t know what you look like. 

[busstopbilly]: Oh, so you think I’m ugly?

[lizontopoftheworld]: NO

[lizontopoftheworld]: you probably think i’m ugly, you didn’t even oppose that part of that statement

[busstopbilly]: Shut up. 

[busstopbilly]: You think you’re SO funny for that one. 

[lizontopoftheworld]: it was kind of funny 

[busstopbilly]: I know you’re beautiful. Anyways, who are these children? Why are you worried about them? Are they okay?

[lizontopoftheworld]: idk 

[lizontopoftheworld]: sitting on some news that would destory them. shit at keeping secrets so i’ve been tryign to keep it together 

[lizontopoftheworld]: just want to keep them from being hurt when they don’t have to be? 

[busstopbilly]: Awful kind of you to take that all upon yourself. Are you talking to someone about it?

[lizontopoftheworld]: you. 

[busstopbilly]: Liz. 

[busstopbilly]: Besides me. 

[lizontopoftheworld]: you’re enough, you know? 

[lizontopoftheworld]: talking to you always makes me feel better 

[busstopbilly]: Me too, Liz. 

[busstopbilly]: I’d also feel better if I knew you were confiding in a friend. That someone was checking up on you if you’re stomaching something big, which knowing you, you probably are. 

[lizontopoftheworld]: you are my friend 

[lizontopoftheworld]: and you literally checked up on me today

[busstopbilly]: Liz. 

[busstopbilly]: You stress me out sometimes. 

[lizontopoftheworld]: no one asked you to invite all this stress on my behalf. 

[busstopbilly]: Someone has to do it. 

[busstopbilly]: Plus, it’s you. 

[busstopbilly]: Kind of just comes naturally. Worrying about you. Wanting to make sure you’re okay. 

[lizontopoftheworld]: you’re so cute i wish you were real

you eye the schedule that eren gave you at the end of yesterday that’s taped to the wall of your cubicle. there’s nearly seven meetings crammed into three days, each of which you’re both preparing an exhaustive list of questions for. it’s been back and forth – eren leaving comments on your document, you dropping an article into the chat between the two of you – as you read up on every last thing that you can find. 

“we brought you a peace offering.”

you look up to find gabi and falco standing at the side of your cubicle, with smiles on their faces. you return the gesture as they extend their hand out to you, with a cinnamon roll slightly squashed into a napkin, that you gratefully accept from them. 

“a peace offering for?” 

“well, first of all, we can tell that you and eren have been working tirelessly for the grant.” falco states. 

right. the grant that you already have. 

not that they needed to know that. 

“and no one likes to spend time with eren more than they need to. especially you.” gabi jokes. 

you laugh. 

“we just have a small request to make.” gabi states. 

you shoot them both a look. 

“gabi has to talk to pieck when we go to marley for the conference at the end of the month. and well, these type of things make her really nervous. also, i kind of told gabi that you’re not that fond of pieck and now she’s even more nervous to go there, so she really needs you there.” falco rambles. 

you glare at the two of them. 

“she’s not some demon you have to be scared of, guys.”  

“didn’t you say that you avoid going home because of her?” falco asks. 

you groan. 

“i didn’t tell you that for you to use it against me, falco. and…and she’s really nice actually, it’s just me having an issue with how hard she tries to be…nice sometimes. i’m sure that she will be a perfect picture of kindness when you meet her, it’s just…” 

you sigh, gesturing for the two of them to pull up chairs. the two of them give you an excited smile, both scattering to pull up chairs into your space, as you eye the cinnamon roll. it smells sweet, enough to make your stomach growl, as they attentively wait for you to talk in their seats. 

you and falco had a close mentor-mentee relationship. and by that, it meant that the two of you were really just friends, and you just gave him advice here and there. 

granted, you’re sure half of that is a byproduct of the fact that falco’s been alone in the dorms almost every single day since he’s one of the only students on the fellowship, that you’re the only person around to talk to, but it’s ultimately lead to some very serious conversations you should most definitely not be logging as work on your timesheets. 

“well, i’ve told falco a lot about pieck. but not you gabi.” you start. 

gabi offers you a smile. 

“i have an older brother named porco. he’s…he’s really plucky but you’ll like him when you meet him. he works at my parent’s business back home.” 

you smile. 

“when porco was in highschool, he started dating pieck. she kind of freaked me out because she was super preppy. captain of the cheer team, on the student council. she went the whole ten miles and we were just…i don’t know. serving people pizza in our free time. begging our teachers to tutor us during lunch. i never really understood what they saw in each other. they have nothing in common. can barely understand each other, from what it seems like.” 

“it’s romantic! opposites attract.” falco adds. 

you narrow your eyes at him. 

“anyways, she went to some big shot law school in a different country. i thought that she was going to break up with him to be honest, but they…they got engaged instead. did long distance their entire first year of marriage because my brother can’t really leave my parents. and she was really sweet through the entire thing, but…but i don’t know. her family wasn’t into it. the fact that we were immigrants. and even after we became citizens, they just thought that we weren’t worth their caliber. pieck didn’t seem to care, not even in the slightest, and she lives in our house now. practices in our city.” 

gabi gives you a thoughtful nod. 

“she gave up her entire family for your brother? is he cute? ” 

you shake your head. 

“yeah. i mean, i know they still send her money here and there, but they don’t speak to her at all. guess that’s their way of making sure that she’s taken care of, since they know we can’t.” you murmur. 

gabi frowns. 

“is she rich?” gabi asks. 

falco shoves her in the side. 

“you can’t just ask if she’s rich.” 

“no, no. y/n’s chill, i can ask her.” 

you fight the urge to laugh as you lean closer, giving gabi a coy look. 

“super rich. she has a nice cushy job and again, she still gets the money from her parents. she offered to buy me a car when i moved out here so that it would be easier for me.” 

gabi gives you a bright smile. 

“that’s a good fucking offer. i would ask her for hundreds of things if i were you.” 

you shrug. 

“it’s weird. it’s just kind of…i don’t know. she offers me a lot of things like that – money, advice – she tries really hard to be a big sister to me. porco’s sweet, but there was a lot of things that he didn’t do. i’m sure he’s told her that i work hard, that i don’t really take help from people, and i guess that’s why she’s so eager to try sometimes. but it just…i don’t know, i can’t bring myself to take help from her when we don’t know each other like that.” 

“she’s your sister.” falco deadpans. 

you shake your head. 

“it’s weird. i’m not saying that it makes sense. and she’s my sister-in-law.” 

gabi gives you a nod. 

“i know what you mean. you got here on your own, you’re convinced that you can get the rest of the way on your own too.” 

“exactly! and i’d owe her something at the end if i did take her help.” 

falco frowns at the two of you. 

“you know, you both have the same individualistic behavior. i’m not sure that it serves you any purpose. you know you won’t die if you rely on people. maybe she’s just trying to help you because you guys are literally family.” 

gabi shakes her head at falco. 

“that’s where you’re wrong falco. sometimes, the only person you have is yourself.” 

“that sounds awfully morbid.” eren states. 

the three of you turn your heads to find him standing at your cubicle, backpack strung over his shoulder, as you give him a nod. you drop your laptop into the backpack, zipping it up, as gabi takes her opportunity to argue with eren. 

“that’s literally something that you’ve said to me before.” gabi retorts. 

“right. but i have reason to say that. you’re young. you should be at the club or something.” eren responds. 

that earns him a laugh from falco, who eren shoots a wink to, before turning back to glare at gabi. 

--

eren’s able to snag the two of you a meeting with one of the people at the forefronts of trans-cranial magnetic stimulation research. you have a sneaking inkling that eren elicited some sort of assistance from his dad to get this arranged – or that his last name was enough of a segway in the first place – and it makes you slightly nervous. 

being on such uneven footing, meeting with people who are so important, when you can barely muster your one on one meetings with levi sometimes. 

nile dok. he’s got a nice office in an office building downtown, one of the soaring skyscrapers embedded in the middle of the city. 

“have you ever met nile dok?” you ask. 

eren’s taken aback by the question as the two of you walk in through the roundabout doors, waiting in the small line at the front desk. 

“yeah, uh…i’ve known him since i was a kid. he’s friends with my dad.” he murmurs. 

you give him a nod, mentally deciding that you deserve a sweet treat later for being able to predict that one, as the two of you walk up to the front desk. the girl sitting at the desk has a short bob and an almost pinched smile as she looks up at the two of you. 

“we have a meeting at four with nile dok. the last names are l/n and jaeger.” eren states. 

she gives eren a curt nod as she quickly types the names on her computer, before giving you a satisfied smile, indicating that she’s found the appointment. she reaches to her side drawer and slides two badges across the desk, with a small paper for parking validation. but before you can reach for yours, eren snatches it out of your hand, his eyes narrowed in frustration as he holds it up in front of her face. 

“what is this?” eren asks. 

“her badge?” the girl retorts. 

eren shakes her head. 

“no, no. this is a guest pass. get her a real one.” eren asserts. 

you put your hand on eren’s shoulder, squeezing hard to get his attention, as he drops the guest badge onto the desk and looks over at you. 

“it’s not a big deal, eren.” you murmur. 

he glares at you. 

“why the hell do i deserve a badge with my first and last name on it? did i do something special to deserve that that you didn’t?” he asks. 

you shrug. 

“well, you were the one who got us the meeting.” 

“yeah, i got us the meeting. not just me, you’re part of it too. i don’t entertain any of this guest pass bullshit, so just drop it. print her a real one, please.” eren murmurs. 

he turns back to the girl sitting at the desk, who is now shooting him an apologetic grin, as she types almost frantically on her monitor. you can tell that she’s avoided confrontation too much, that eren’s eyes are a little too piercing, because she’s basically pulling the badge out of the printer to speed up the time. 

and at the end of the excruciating minute, moreso for her than you, she slides a newly minted badge with your name embellished in bright bold letters. it can’t help but enrage eren more for some reason, as he turns to her one last time. 

“was that so hard?” eren asks. 

“it’s standard practice, i apologize. he’ll be on the third floor, last door on the right.” 

eren gives her one last nod before gesturing to you to follow him, to the long glass door at the end of the hallway. the elevator is empty as the two of you step in, a sweet sugary smell – like the remnants of someone’s perfume were left over – and you clear your throat. 

“thank you. for the badge.” 

“just prepare yourself, that’s only the half of it. he may be useful to us now, but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s going to act like an asshole when we meet with him.” eren mumbles. 

the elevator whirrs to a stop and you follow eren down the hallway, your eyes whizzing past all of the certifications and awards that are printed on the wall. you note that eren’s dad’s name is included on some of them, that there are pictures of them standing on big stages – cutting ribbons together, holding glass awards – as you wait in the two chairs at the end of the hall. 

“he’s an asshole now?” you whisper. 

eren looks over at you, almost like he’s pissed that you’ve even stomached the courage to ask that question, before he slightly slumps in his chair. his hand is shaking at his side in the slightest, his fingers curled into a fist, as he gives you a nod. 

“he’s been an asshole. maybe even bigger than my dad.” 

you memorize that sentence and catalog it to your memory. 

the disdain in his tone. you never realized that eren wasn’t particularly fond of his dad. and figure that it must be irritating every time he comes around the lab. 

the door opens, a girl gesturing for the two of you to follow her into the office. eren gives you one last tight lipped smile as you enter the room, overwhelmed all together. 

the first thing you note is the smell. it nearly burns your nose – the sharp smell of the alcohol mixed with the heavy smell of the cigarette smoke – as you sit in the chair closest to the door. eren’s at your side, taking his jacket off, before handing it to you and whispering under his breath. 

“cover your legs.” 

you can feel your stomach churn as you listen to his instructions, draping his jacket over the exposed part of your legs, and balling your fists underneath the fabric. 

the second thing that you notice is that nile dok doesn’t look nearly as good as he did in the photos outside. you have a small inkling that the photos outside have to be photoshopped, that he didn’t look half as haggard as he did right now, slumped over his desk chair, and that most of the things that were in this room, were meant to keep up appearances. 

the designer suit that he was wearing. the embossed stationery. mahogany wood. 

“is this your girlfriend, eren?” nile asks. 

you swallow hard. surely he couldn’t be serious. 

“she’s my colleague. why would i bring my girlfriend to a work meeting?” eren seethes. 

“your dad used to do that before he married carla. thought you were taking notes out of his playbook.” 

eren rolls his eyes. 

“i would rather roll over in my grave before i did that. and my mom was his colleague too. she wasn’t his girlfriend back then.” eren notes. 

nile gives him a boisterous laugh, smacking one of his fists down onto the table – enough to make nearly all of the belongings shake on the desk – before turning over to you. you immediately divert your eyes, noting that the carpet has some very dried out stains, one that take a trained eye to notice, and that he must knock over things quiet often. 

and force someone to clean it up. 

“what’s your name, pretty?” he asks. 

“y/n l/n.” you respond. 

“l/n? are you from around here?” he asks. 

you shake your head. 

“i’m from marley.” 

nile gives you a nod. 

“what do your parents do research in?” 

you bite down on your lip, enough to draw a pool of warm, metallic blood into your mouth. 

“they’re business owners back in marley. they don’t do research.” you note. 

“oh. what type of business?” 

“they own a pizza parlor.”

nile gives you a strange look, one that’s enough to summon eren back into the conversation again. 

“they’ve probably worked more in one day than you’ve worked in your entire life, nile. but that’s besides the point. we’ve come here to ask you some questions. both of us.” 

--

“i can drive.” eren offers. 

“sorry, what?” 

“i can drive. you seem tired.” eren states. 

you shake your head. 

“i’m fine.” 

“you don’t have to be so self-sacrificing all the time. i can tell that you’re tired, that the meeting was more jargon that was really relevant to us because that dumbass was trying to show off, that him being an asshole gets tiring very fast, so just let me drive us home.” eren states. 

the tone in his voice indicates that what he’s saying is final, enough for you to relent and place the keys in the palm of his hand before walking around to duck into the passenger seat. and you’re not sure what it is – the fact that eren seemed to be arguing on your behalf, that he seemed more approachable when he was so tired, when the two of you had a common goal – that you ask. 

“nile seems very close with your dad.” 

“what?” eren asks. 

you shrug. 

“the pictures and the certificates and stuff. your dad was in all of them.” you murmur. 

“oh, right. nile’s kind of his prodigy. he used to live in my house.” 

you frown. 

“nile is younger than your dad? and he lived in your house?” 

“y/n, he’s only a few years older than us.” 

“what? why does he look so…ugly? and old?” 

eren coughs out a laugh. you look over to note that he’s smiling, that he’s got a dimple on his left side, and that he looks awfully attractive when he does that. 

“that’s what being an asshole does to you.” eren notes.

you nod. 

“he’s into the exact type of research that my dad does. he came from…from basically nothing and my dad helped him. gave him money for his projects, invested in the company. now, nile’s got a bigger head than he knows what to do with and he feels indebted to my dad so he kisses his ass whatever chance he gets.” eren states. 

“why were you so upset about the badge?” you ask. 

“they’re doing that to purposely undermine you. because you’re a woman.” eren notes. 

you can feel your throat dry. 

“really?” you whisper. 

“i’ve met hundreds of people like nile. you’re going to meet hundreds of people like nile too. and they do shit like that – purposely choose to omit your name from badges so they can call you sweetheart, act like you’re just there as an accessory and not there to actually make conversation – that stuff. just think about it. i listed your name first on our appointment. and yet they still chose to put my name on the badge and not yours.” 

you slump down into your chair. 

“oh. i didn’t realize.” 

“even down to the very principle, learning someone’s name is a simple sign of respect. the bare minimum of what you can do when you’re conversing with someone. and yet they can barely even humble themselves to do that, because they think they’re more important than you.” eren finishes. 

you decide that it’s enough of your curious questions. only because the rest of your curious questions are ones that you sincerely can’t ask. 

did they do that to your mom? 

is that why it annoys you so much when other people do it to me? 

is your mom still a researcher?  

you reach for the aux cord that’s hanging in the middle of the seat, before navigating your way to the playlist of scores that you had made to share with eren. the music is quiet, the instrumental nearly lulling your overwhelmed brain to sleep as you press your forehead against the window. 

“i like alan. from this score.” 

“you’ve watched the imitation game?” you ask. 

eren gives you a nod. 

“it’s a good movie.” eren responds. 

you smile. 

“that movie makes me feel better sometimes. to know that women were part of the forefront of science, even back then. and they had hurdles, endless hurdles that i couldn’t even begin to understand, and they’ve paved the way for me.” 

you take a deep breath. 

“just a reminder that i shouldn’t give up when things are hard for me because they didn’t either, you know?” you whisper. 

eren takes a beat before responding. 

“granted, it’s unfair you’ve got so many hurdles when you’re already so brilliant to begin with. it’s honestly kind of fucking ridiculous sometimes.” 

you can’t fight the urge to smile. 

“you think i’m brilliant?” you jest.

eren rolls his eyes. 

“oh, come on. you know you’re brilliant.” eren responds. 

“what?” 

“you’re the only person in the program who got in without doing the bridge program. you must have some insane work under your belt for erwin, levi, and hange to trust you after meeting you just once or twice. over people they’ve known and taught for years by the way.” 

you narrow your eyes at him. 

“i’m not the only person in the program who got in without doing the bridge program. you’re forgetting someone quite important.” 

eren rolls his eyes. 

“still. you’re brilliant. would do you well to realize that now before some idiot like nile dok tries to make himself more important than you.” 

you look over at him and smile. 

“okay. okay, yeah. i promise.” 

“and hell. you know how to argue with people. i know you’ve got it in you. you’ve been doing with it since you’ve met me. maybe redirect some of your irritation with me towards people like him.” 

you lean back. 

“oh, i’ll doubt i’ll be able to do that. you just bring out something special in me, eren.” you deadpan. 

“oh, i’m sure.” eren retorts back.

--

an: anyways

taglist: @invisible-mori @multiplefandomthings @chericos @wheredidmycrowngo @chaoticpxnda @aizzon @stuffeddeer @butterfly-skinnylegend @najaemism @hellokitty-doll @constanciandrea @iblamesusy @jaegersdiary @f4irygard3n @misadear @fell-4-u @coyloves @sobbangchan @you-always-made-me-blush @th0tformikasa @yell0wdreams @itzmeme @elliesbabygirl @miniaturemartian @differentrunawayperson @k0z3me @stroberiz @stillnotherapy @cherryredribbons @bsenpai @cacapeepee @pickuptruck01 @jaegersity

[yardsards]

also another reason i'm wary of discussions of "female socialization" is that too many of them act like it's a universal experience rather than something that varies widely based on your individual sociocultural background. like, what a girl is supposed to be varies WIDELY by culture or even by family.

like as someone who grew up in rural appalachia, what was expected of me as a girl was a good bit different from girls (even of the same race and similar income level) that i've talked to who grew up in town just an hour away. a woman who could effortlessly lob a hay bale half her body weight was considered a *good* thing here. but at the same time, we were told things about submitting to our husbands that could possibly be described as "some handmaids tale type shit".

(the ideal of a good redneck woman shares a lot of traits with a "pickme girl" actually, though it's not quite identical, and is also wrapped in a layer of *regional* pride/exceptionalism rather than *personal* exceptionalism.) (sidenote i've kinda grown to detest the term "pickme girl" cuz half of the people who say it aren't referring to women that push other women down and degrade femininity. they're just referring to like. a masculine woman minding her own business and maybe personally kinda disliking the colour pink cuz it got forced on her too hard as a kid.)

ANYWAY. this is only part sociological analysis and is mostly a leadup to an anecdote i remembered:

in high school i had this girl i was friends with. classic queer teenage friendship. unhealthy, codependent, being some form of in love with each other, ultimately culminating in an explosive friend breakup. you know the deal.

and at the time (peak of friendship, pre-breakup) my friend had this shit-ass boyfriend. like i probably would have disliked him on principle cuz i was a jealous baby queer but he more than earned my vitriol for reasons i'm not going to go into here cuz most of em aren't funny they're just legit upsetting.

and we were talking and i think my friend mentioned something about liking a big strong man who could carry her, cuz next thing i know i'm smugly looking the fuck ass boyfriend in the eyes lifting my friend up with my wobbly little nerd arms. real urgent "mother lifting a car off her baby" type strength or something must have kicked in cuz i've always been shaped somewhere on the spectrum of "twink" and "malnourished victorian orphan"

and i put her down and the fuckass boyfriend comes up to me and pats me on the back and says "wow, you're a real country gal!"

i wasn't trying to affirm my heritage, dalton. i was trying to steal your girl. (and possibly affirm my burgeoning transmasculinity? but mostly steal your girl tbh.)

[ilions-end]

🎵 guess who finished the argonautica by apollonius of rhoooodes 🎵

the peter green translation served me well and i enjoyed the sizable commentary section, although it probably influenced my interpretation more than i'd like for a first read (green is VERY opinionated and also hilariously bitchy about scholars he disagrees with. the first time i've read such a sarcastic translator's commentary!)

BUT ANYWAY THE EPIC ITSELF:

iiiii have never felt this much anxiety reading an epic before?? there's an ambiguity and sense of danger in this poem's events that aren't necessarily WORSE than in other epics, but there's a feeling that i can't... actually trust the heroes involved. the argonauts are rowdy and reactive, and jason is NOT able to take charge of them -- he shrinks away and goes silent whenever his leader position is called into question. the mob rules, whoever shouts the loudest (often telamon!) in any given situation gets to decide, no thought of consequences.

or maybe reading about a main character who wants to do great things but suffers from debilitating conflict avoidance is a little too real. agh.

(and it's not like the thebaid! you can't trust the heroes in the thebaid either but their hubris and egos makes them PREDICTABLE. there's something unnervingly ambiguous and potentially unsafe about jason and his argonauts, even though they never get up to anything truly horrible. in this version anyway)

jason is incredibly intriguing -- even at his most unlikeable. it's like he tripped and fell into a story he doesn't belong in, he's so awkwardly miscast as a great greek hero and can't live up to the poem's own hype. he's described as heroic at every turn even when he's not actually being heroic, like in an INCREDIBLE passage as he fights the dragon teeth warriors and he's said to "valiantly hide behind his shield". LOOK AT THAT PHRASE!! HE'S BRAVELY COWERING. incredible writing. apollonius is genuinely a master of subtle sarcasm throughout.

like it says a lot that there are MANY variations of the line "but Jason, eyes fixed on the ground, sat there speechless, unmoving, at a loss in this crisis". and baby there are a lot of crises in an epic...

also maiden-coded jason still makes me vibrate! his frequently downcast gaze, his shy passivity, how delicately his body is described, the way he is a sexual object to pursue instead of the pursuer, how unusually tactile he is... one of the most memorable parts to me is when he finally gets the golden fleece, and what does he do? he doesn't raise it above his head in triumph, he doesn't wrap it around himself like a glorious cape and stride to address his men. he disengages completely and, spellbound, pets it and caresses it and combs his fingers through it in almost erotic delight. just. immediate zoned-out personal gratification, we're hitting masturbation parallels, no other greek hero would DO that!

which also makes it interesting that they use the fleece as bedding for their wedding night. i wonder which one jason enjoys lying with most, medea or the fleece...?

yeah so when medea appeared suddenly allllll my affection for jason evaporated. i'm not one of those "yay medea butchering her children is girl power actually!!" girlies (that's five hundred times too reductive a way to engage with a greek tragedy for me), i was prepared for whatever kind of medea apollonius would give me, but WOW SHE IS SO INCREDIBLY SYMPATHETIC (and intentionally so, see how she isn't even the one to kill her brother in this), she is SO ill-treated here. it's SHE who undoubtedly is the gods' plaything in this, not jason!

like how HORRIBLE her experience of being obsessively in love is! (turns out getting shot by eros' arrow is a psychological and emotional NIGHTMARE!!) how painfully aware she is of her own irrationality, how intense her inner life is. at one point she thinks so much about jason all night that she self-induces a (shockingly realistically described) migraine! she loves him so much she wants to kill herself instead of feeling something so intense and unpleasant and overwhelming. JESUS CHRIST it's so evocative.

she torches her whole life, her own safety, her own family for jason, and all he can do (after a lot of pushing) is murmur vague promises. it's HEARTBREAKING the utter helplessness she accepts to live in for him. there is no safety net for her, no way to regain safety if things go wrong (and you are so painfully aware that things WILL go wrong)

generally the argonautica feels more closely related to the odyssey than any of the other epics i've read. not just all the sailing, but the centrality of magic, and of course visiting a lot of the same places -- including the court of alcinous and arete before they had nausicaa (and arete is already the one in charge!)

more moments i keep thinking about:

that first lovely glimpse of the inherent dysfunction of the expedition as the argonauts have gathered for the first time ready for departure, and jason delivers a speech like "men! now that *I*, jason son of aeson, have arranged MY glorious expedition so that *I* can find the glorious fleece and win MY kingdom back, who do we all figure should be captain? 😉" and all the argonauts immediately start chanting "HE-RA-CLES! HE-RA-CLES! HE-RA-CLES!" it's so funny

heracles' role is generally so amazing, what contrast he offers! because HE IS the old-school hero who can do anything, fight any enemy, who has everyone's ear (if not respect -- he seems to be a LOT to handle, even for the other argonauts), who can LEAD. but they FORGET HIM ON AN ISLAND AND LEAVE HIM BEHIND, and now jason, tripped-and-fell-into-epic-heroism jason!, gotta be fully in charge and timidly face every obstacle himself.

i genuinely didn't know hylas getting abducted by the nymphs was from this myth! AND HE'S HERACLES' LOVER, actually the eromenos to heracles' erastes?? and heracles LOSES HIS SHIT TO AN ANIMALISTIC DEGREE at the loss of hylas. this is why none of the other guys brought along their boytoys, dude, this is a disaster.

i REALLY appreciated the introductory rollcall of EVERY argonaut (even if half of them were never mentioned by name again). i always wish we had something like that for odysseus' main crew in the odyssey. it's nice having that overview.

one of the most memorable glimpses into the lives of the gods i've read: eros and ganymede in the garden, playing knucklebones together under the shade of flowering trees and they're both so youthful and so inhumanly beautiful and the scene is so idyllic -- and then aphrodite stomps in and immediately snaps at her son "what are you grinning at, you unspeakable little horror?" she HATES that spoiled teen. it's zeus and ares all over again.

speaking of gods, that one time the argonauts make landfall, and in the distance they see apollo just walking across the land (each footstep thundering) and they're scared stiff and just wait until he's fully passed by... and then can finally get on with their business. no followup, no consequences, just a random incident to freak them out. it reads like an animal encounter, like they saw a huge bear on a hike, i'm obsessed.

i got jumpscared any time the text mentioned "the son of oineus". i'm like WHAT. TYDEUS?? but no, meleager's here, it's fine.

as i mentioned, jason is the one who murders absyrtus (although medea isn't uninvolved) but i'm particularly fascinated by how neutrally we're told about the rituals he performs to not be cursed for it. like there's our wondrous hero, cutting off his murder victim's hands and feet, lapping up the blood and spitting it in the corpse's mouth three times. all done, welp, time we were on our way!

circe can see at first glance that she and medea are related because they both have the sun god's golden eyes, i love that!. and THEN THEY SPEAK TO EACH OTHER IN COLCHIAN, WHICH JASON DOESN'T SPEAK. he's sitting right there and i love that he doesn't understand what these incredibly powerful women are talking about.

obsessed with how jason is described as "walking like the morning star" (bright, promising, bringing good fortune) on lemnos and is then likened to a star of destruction and woe as he's about to meet medea for the first time. aaaaa it's so good.

the argonauts being challenged to a boxing match, and I GUESSED CORRECTLY that they would choose polydeuces as their champion!! i am embarrassingly proud actually. i did not know there was a boxing match (to the DEATH) in the argonautica but i KNEW polydeuces was famous for his boxing.

also i love that when they get to the garden of the hesperides it's a WRECK because heracles was there THE DAY BEFORE!!!! what an incredible sense of time and place, only seeing the IMMEDIATE AFTERMATH of the labours of heracles.

it's so WEIRD when the argonauts get to libya and they're out of supplies so they all just immediately give up and cry and hug and lie down in the sand to die. until the local goddesses come like "JESUS ARE YOU FOR REAL WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU GIVING UP NOW. GET GOING FOR FUCK'S SAKE."

oh ancient texts, i will never get used to your incestuous dreams of good fortune (no it's GOOD that he cried with shame for passionately fucking his daughter in his dream, that's a very lucky dream to have apparently).

and then apollonius just signs off like "yeah i know they're not home yet but i promise nothing interesting happened after this point. THE END." like he's just NOT gonna touch whatever fuckery happens after, you wanted the argonauts well you GOT the argonauts.

[saiintvalentiine]

walking into ur asks like i just escaped a natural disaster (parrotx2 video) and asking for kww in farming district angst or hurt/comfort 🙏🙏

ok i dont know why this is where my mind went for this??? i hope its. alright. set right after parrot leaves kww for the capture the flag game.

Word count: 456

“He's the worst,” Ken says, leaning back in his seat. “Is he always like this?”

“Yes,” Wifies says, rubbing his face. He cycles through the motions over and over. “Probably a bit worse than usual but yes.”

“And you like this guy?” Ken scoffs. “I did not drag you ass first out of that bedrock box just for you to have horrible taste in men.”

“I don't even know why you did it in the first place at this point.”

“Okay, wow, no, do not say that,” Ken says, sitting up. “Don't say that.”

Wato sits on the table ahead of Wifies, kicking at his seat lightly. Wifies drops his hands and looks at them, eyes stinging.

“You know that wasn't okay, right?” Wato asks.

“Yeah, sorry, it just kind of came out of my mouth without thinking,” Wifies stands up and tries to shake the malaise off.

“Hey, no, not that,” Wato grabs Wifies's arm. “Parrot.”

“Yeah, he's the worst,” Wifies rolls his eyes. “I know. I get it. I make bad choices.”

Wato and Ken glance at each other.

“Wifies,” Ken stands up too, closing in on his other side. “He's like. . . a walking red flag right now. You tried to defend him and he was a huge bitch about it.”

“I guess nobody did ask me,” but something hard lines those words, thick shelled and old.

“Wifies!” Wato snaps. “What are you saying? Who cares if nobody asked? You're a third of all decisions made here, you're always supposed to be here giving your opinion.”

“And who cares if Parrot didn't ask?” Ken continues. “I want to know anyway.”

“So do I.”

“That's gotta count for something, doesn't it?”

Wifies closes his eyes and breathes. His chest feels spiderwebbed, a hundred small threads spun together into delicate shape.

“It does. I'm sorry.”

“That damn bird,” Ken mutters under his breath.

Wato tugs Wifies over and bumps their turtle shelled head against Wifies's own.

“Unfortunately, he has a point with the whole beating them at their own game thing.”

“Do you actually agree with him, or do you just want his approval?” Ken asks, watching as Wifies tenses up.

“I actually agree.”

“If we win, it'd be really funny to drag the Warriors faces in the mud with our victory,” Wato says, bumping their heads together one more time before leaning back.

“Wato, the fact you know the easy way to my heart is kind of horrible,” Ken says, clearly sold on the idea. “We gotta win though.”

“Of course we're gonna win,” Wifies says, opening his eyes and glancing over at Ken. “We're the best at beating people at their own game.”

“That's my Wifies! Let's get out there and ruin their day.”

[fallenclan]

wow! it feels weird for this moon (and ravenstar's leadership/arc to finally be over)... i have some Thoughts, particularly about the exiled trio!

patchback -- i like that, of the three, she's the only one who looks genuinely angry. the same is true when ravenstar is killed. levi and sleepydawn look more surprised in that instance as well. given her history, this is the SECOND time patchback has been exiled. i imagine that she enjoys being a part of a clan. possibly, being exiled for the first time was the worst thing that ever happened to her, so when cherrystar gave her a chance, patchback chose to try and "adapt," to be whoever cherrystar would accept. but then ravenstar gave her the room to be herself... surely, with his support, and levi as deputy, then patchback will never have to fear exile again? ha! wrong.

levi -- levi only joined fallenclan after realizing an opportunity to hold power awaited him. i highly doubt levi cares about clan life. i think he's disappointed/annoyed, but not particularly "devestated" in the way that i imagine patchback is. levi will just... move on with his life, and try to find power somewhere else. i think he and patchback will stick together, since they're friends, and there's power in numbers. i believe levi likes power, but doesn't like to be the one making decisions (he likes his second-in-command spot imo). so, with ravenstar gone, patchback becomes his first-in-command. better yet, i imagine levi enjoyed ravenstar, but didn't like him. levi actually likes patchback, so being her second-in-command, backing her up, or better yet, being her partner is especially appealing.

sleepydawn -- he just looks numb. after ravenstar's death, i imagine he quickly resigned himself to what his fate would be. it's also noteworthy that his mate, ashblink, won't be joining him. ashblink could easily have chosen to leave with sleepydawn, but didn't. their relationship felt very shallow from the beginning. while i do think they care about each other, i think sleepydawn's loyalty to ravenstar would always come over his affection for ashblink, and ashblink would ultimately realize that sleepydawn isn't looking for love. within their interactions, ashblink is shown being caring/supportive (as best he can) towards sleepydawn, who looks bored/disinterested or rebuffs him. sleepydawn doesn't know how to be in a relationship. he needs to sort his own shit out before having a boyfriend. i think there's a 50/50 chance that sleepydawn will set out on his own, and try to "find himself" while also seething in bitterness and grief, versus deciding to throw in his lot with patchback and levi.

silly idea: patchback starts her own clan (ravenclan? after the first cat to ever """accept""" her for who she is) with levi as deputy. sleepydawn joins. teeheehee. it would be funny, but in all likelihood, i think the three of them will just have to face reality and Cope rather than getting any sort of resolution they would have hoped for.

anyway, yay wolfstar!!! yay kestrelfeather! yay pondshine and flamefall and cloudtuft!! yippee!! i love how happy wolfstar looks for once, and i was delighted to see broccoli and pepperswipe <3 i know sweetclover is so proud... but also trying to be there for her parents

also finchbeak kits next moon! is the father chumtail or flamefall? or a mysterious, third cat... comment down below! /j

-🐉

MY GOD dragon once again you have hit the nail perfectly on the head... i don't even need to make an explanation post you got it in one. incredible

[allison3k0]

MR S UPDATE - Friday (BIG DAY OML) (Last day of school before the winter break)

I F*CKING HUGGED HIM TODAY.

Alright, so, today was chill cuz it was the last day of school before the winter break, and since I was done my animation project tomorrow, during animation (3rd period) I asked my anim teacher if I could go see Mr S cuz I had something to give him, and he let me go so I started going. My anim period is also Mr S' prep so it works out well to give him stuff without him being in a rush to leave or anything.

So I peaked my head into his room cuz he left the door open, and it was dark so I was wondered if he was there, and he was in fact there, so I saw him and said "Hey!" and he said "Hey!" and then I walked in with the mug with the candy canes and said "So, I have something for you" and set the mug down on the desk in front of him and he said "Thank you!" and then I set down the two packets of hot choco I brought him too, and he said "Thank you" again. He picked up the mug and looked at it and said "Oh my gosh, did you draw this?" and I said "Yeah, I drew it myself" and he said "Oh my gosh this is adorable" and I said "Thank you!" and then I said "I also have this" and put a crochet little duck made with grey yarn for the body and green yarn for the accents like the bill and feet and a little tuft of hair on top of its head (it reminded me of him for some reason), and he said "Oh my gosh, (as if he was surprised by the number of things) I didn't know you crochet, I'll have to make sure my dog doesn't get this" and I said "Yeah be careful your dog doesn't get it. Yeah, I don't crochet often, but I learned from my mom" and he said "Wow, thank you so much!" and I said "No problem" and then I was thinking about asking him for a hug but I kept hesitating and then I chickened out, and then he was saying stuff to end the convo like "Well, I hope you have a good break, a good holiday, and I'll see you in the new year." and I interrupted him saying "Wait, I'm coming in after school" and he said "Oh, you're coming in after school?" and I said "Yeah" and then he said "Oh okay" and then I said "I'll see you later then!" and he said "See you later!" and then I left to go back to class.

So then fourth period I was just daydreaming about how to get a hug from him, and what would happen after school, going through every possible scenario and how to word it when I ask for a hug cuz I'd much rather ask than assume he's okay with it and embarrass myself. That period dragged on foreverrrr and then I was finally able to go to my locker and then go see Mr S.

I went to his classroom after school as usual but he was talking with his EA so I was waiting til they were done to say hi, and I did, and they both said hi back. And Mr S said "Hi, how was the rest of your day?" and I said "Great, actually" and he said "Great actually?" and I said "Yeah, psych was really chill, we had a lesson but it was a chill lesson and we had a big class discussion in between too" and he seemed genuinely interested. And then his EA left and we said happy holidays and whatnot. Me and Mr S talked about his plans for the break, and he said "WE'RE going to (town name) to (continues)" like I'm sorry, who tf is WE? He was talking about his fam before that, so maybe he was referring to his fam? But maybe he was referring to a partner? Then he asked me about my plans and I mentioned how I'm going to see a movie tomorrow (still not sure if that's actually happening) but he asked who I'm going to see it with, so I told him "My friend E (Insert first name here, we'll call her Bestie E or E), the one that took me to her cousin's wedding" and he was like "Oh" but like... Why does it matter to him who I go with? Is he trying to figure out if I'm single? Cuz I am 😏.

But anyways, we continued talking a while until he started packing up and I started packing up so I wouldn't miss my chance to hug him while I had it, but holy sh he gets ready fast and he was at the door ready to lock it while it was open, and he was saying "Well, have a great break, don't work too much on school stuff" and I missed the rest cuz I was panicking inside cuz he was about to leave and I wasn't about to let that opportunity go, so I put down my backpack and purse and said "Wait, can I hug you?" in the most frail, barely audible, tiny, lowercase voice ever 😭 and he said "Sure, of course!" AND GAVE ME THE CUTEST MOST GENUINE SMILE I'VE EVER SEEN HIM HAVE. IT WAS LIKE A FACE OF ADMIRATION OR ADORATION. And omg the hug was so short it's so sad but when I first hugged him, I PUT MY ARMS AROUND HIM UNDER HIS ARMS AND HE PUT HIS ARMS AROUND MY SHOULDERS KIND OF- I JUST REALIZED I HUGGED HIS BODY LIKE I TOUCHED HIS BODY OMFG SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP FOAMING AT THE MOUTH- Anyways, he was so nice and warm, AND FOR A SECOND I LAID MY HEAD ON HIS SHOULDER WHILE WE HUGGED, and then I felt the hug was gonna get awkward if it went any longer, but he didn't exactly pull away, I just kinda felt like it was time to let go so I did and the hug was over 😭 it was so short.

When it was over I said "I haven't had a hug in a while" and he said "Oh really?" and I said "Yeah, thank you" and he said "No problem!" with the cutest ahh smile I've ever seen on him before. And we were getting ready to part ways so I said "Alright, thank you so much" and he said "Of course!" and then I said "Bye! See you after the break!" and he said "Bye! Have a great break!" and then I left.

After I left, my hands were shaking so much and so were my knees and I could barely walk so I had to stand outside for a minute before leaving to go home.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Update: It went well! I said things that I have not said in stand-up before, and people laughed at it! That was a big barrier for me. When I first tried stand-up a year ago, I told one story across the whole six minutes and people actually laughed at it, so every time I performed after that, I thought, I know people will laugh if I tell that one story. But if I try something else, it might be terrible. So I just kept refining that one story. Cutting it down to pull the punchlines closer together, adding new jokes to replace the previous filler. I think that story has now turned into a pretty strong and tight six minutes (as opposed to how it started, which had to be padded a lot to be able to do a whole six-minute set with only one story).

I had exactly one other bit that I did a few times last year, and worked well the first time and then badly but then well again. And I added some stuff to that too. But I just tacked it on before jumping into my original story.

Two nights ago (when I wrote this post) was the first time I performed without telling any of that original story. Which is why I was freaking out in the bathroom beforehand, thinking that I'm not sure I'm able to actually write funny stuff, maybe I just happened to hit on one funny story and that's it, I'll try this other thing and confirm that women are not, in fact, funny.

Weirdly, I'm more self-conscious about the other comedians than the audience. I want the audience to find me funny, but if they don't, it's not the end of the world since I won't see them again. What I'm really scared of is the comedians at the back of the room, who will hear me try this, and I don't want them to think, "Wow, how could she have been so stupid as to think that could possibly be funny?" And then never book me for a show again.

But that did not happen! The audience liked it! I did one completely new thing that lasted about 4 minutes, and then found a quite smooth way to transition into that "second bit" that I'd done before, and it worked again. But the new story worked too! I now have a third bit! A year and a half after I first performed comedy (though I've been very off and on with it so I've not actually performed many times), I have finally gotten myself a third bit. It's extremely slow progress. But I think at this point, I could probably fill a fifteen-minute set without much filler. I haven't - I did six minutes the other night, and the longest set I've ever done is seven minutes. But for the first time, I feel like I could do over ten and not run out of stuff to say.

It also felt like a bit of a breakthrough, getting the idea that new things I try will not always fall completely flat, and making me feel more confident about the idea that next time I get to perform, I want to try a couple of other new ideas that I've been thinking about for a while. I'm excited about this. I've got the rest of my life - job, living situation - relatively stable, and I can try other things. Also the two guys who run that night are really nice and told me that I should request spots there more often. Then the next night (last night) I went out to a different local comedy night, just to watch, it was actually a lot of fun and several of the comics told me they liked my stuff and I'm excited about it.

Anyway. Things are good right now. I'm off work for the school holidays, which means I have two weeks of freedom and also a third stand-up routine. It's a good day.

Fun fact about being the only woman on a comedy bill: if you're nervous before your set, you can pace in the women's bathroom and know that no one will come in there.

Source: Am posting this from a comedy venue's women's bathroom. If I die tonight, it will confirm the views of any audience member who thinks women aren't funny.

[temeyes]

i,, i don't know what possessed me,,

[lotus-pear]

charm stat at debonair ‼️‼️

[rox-of-iu]

something silly from yesterdays evening class

...

[finngualart]

daucus carota

[grey-viridian]

DTIYS for @tizeline

Congrats on 10k!!! (love your artstyle btw sooo soft and beautiful i wanna look at your art all day!)

The original outfit was perfect but I still felt like something was missing...