#BRO WE'RE EATING LUNCH AT WORK AND I DONT EVEN KNOW YOU LIKE THAT... I AINT SHARING MY DEEPEST MOST PAINFUL SECRETS WITH YOU WTH

[cartoontees]

anyone else got that one coworker who way over shares about their childhood and shit all the damn time and just assumes that they had it way worse than everyone else simply because... the rest of us don't go talking randomly about our trauma in the workplace

[skatingbi]

I GOT THE JOB AND IM TRAINING RNLETS CELEBRATE WITH MORREEE

CW: Specific details of Anxiety attacks. Mostly modeled after my own symptoms, so definitely read ONLY if ur not feeling anxiety. Also a small detail about su1cide prevention in the beginning but its not explicitly stated to be that.

Also, I'm writing this in a way where Hakuri is self aware of his own issues but has zero clue what tf to do (me too bro) bc I feel like in fics we dont rly dive into the topic of self awareness of ur own mental health that much but idk 🤷🏽‍♂️

Hakuri doesn't have the bravery to ask for help. He knows Chihiro told Shiba what happened, and Shiba hasn't said a word about it. Its his eyes keeping a closer watch that give it away.

Hakuri had only just started being able to look into the mirror again a few days later. When he does he notices that Chihiro evened out the haircut a bit in the front. It's a little awkward looking, especially since his hair has grown out longer in the back since joining the group. The day after, Chihiro acts like nothing happened, Char exclaims how cool his hair is now that it's cut. Hakuri smiled at her and said thank you before they started eating breakfast that day.

Mysteriously, all the scissors and sharp objects that aren't kitchen knives have disappeared. At least, he thinks so. The scissors are gone and right now he's trying to find a safety pin for one of the straps on his pants thats worn down right at the edge of where it's sewn on. He thought they were where the entryway was, but he turned up empty handed. So he searched his shared room, then the bathroom, then the living room, but he gives up after every room comes back empty. The strap will probably stay on for a while longer anyways, he tells himself.

Right now they're hiding out in Hinao's apartment. For the past week Shiba has been teleporting in and out and providing information for Chihiro, especially now that his presence has caused a shift in the sorcerer climate. There's not much to do except wait. So, Hakuri walks over to the kitchen where Chihiro is, out of his trench coat and only wearing the black pants and turtle neck. Its nice to see him a little more relaxed, at least in appearence.

"Chihiro," Chihiro looks up from the opened fridge, "Im not gonna lie...Im bored." He states plainly, which earns him a small quirk from Chihiro's lips and a slight huff that barely reaches his ears.

"We're supposed to stay inside until Shiba gives the all clear," Chihiro glances at Hakuri before looking at the clock, "It is almost time to eat...Maybe we could make some food..." Chihiro almost seems like he's talking to himself and his gaze almost seems to grow distant for a second before his eyes are back on Hakuri.

"Oh, then let me help!" He replies, which earns a small nod from Chihiro before they start to gather everything needed to cook something simple.

Unfortunately, Hakuri only learned the extreme basics during the few months he was homeless and had to work with what he got. He knows how to work a few things from his time at the Sazanami estate as well, but when you have to sneak into the kitchen at 2 am to get food, you can only learn so much without making noise. Hakuri tells this to Chihiro, who listens patiently until he finishes speaking.

"Then I'll leave you to make the Miso and rice, alright?" and there it is again. His friend's tendency to give him an out if he needs it, no matter how small or trivial the task is. It makes Hakuri's heart stutter, but he brushes the feeling off with a smile.

"You got it!" is the last thing said between them before they prepare some lunch for the rest of the occupants. He quickly becomes distracted with his task of measurements. 5 people and considering leftovers for tomorrow, rice can be made into fried rice, miso is probably best made with exact measurements anyways since they have the easy stuff that only takes 5 minutes and some hot water to prepare. Chihiro already has the tofu and seaweed prepped for him.

The silence is strangely comforting. Hakuri usually hates silence, it usually implied disaster or someone's mind coming up with a harsh punishment, but he knows Chihiro is just a quiet man by default. They don't bump into each other once, even when Chihiro had to nearly press into his space to get something from one of the cupboards.

He focuses on that split second of warmth and latches onto it right when it pulls away completely. It leaves him pink, warm, and heart stuttering again. The back of his mind where he shoves all of his true wants screams to reach out again. To lean his shoulder against Chihiro's at the bare minimum.

Lunch is done, though, so Hakuri instead helps gather Char and Hinao before they all plate their own portion of food. Instead of sitting at the kitchen like normal, they all decide to eat in the living room since Shiba hasn't come back yet.

Even while eating, the warmth of Chihiro is still there. It cant even be replaced by the miso. As Hakuri eats with his friends, he wonders if Chihiro thought of his warmth too.

Its 3 am and he cant fall asleep. Shiba returned shortly after lunch and brought news of the effects of the Sazanami family's downfall and crumbling authority over the sorcerer world as a result. He explained how Hakuri's presence will put a target on his and everyone's back right now, especially when he was seen with Chihiro the night of the auction. Chihiro had decided that it was too dangerous to go out just yet, much to the dark haired man's own concerns about the swords still out there.

That conversation let Hakuri's own thoughts simmer until now, boiled over and burning and painful in his own mind. Right now, at 3am, he cant sit still. His thoughts are going a million miles a minute, his heart hurts, theres a headache forming from all the tension coiling up his body.

This sucks. He hates this feeling and it always comes and goes whenever it pleases. What's even worse is that he knows exactly what it is and can't figure out how to fix it: an anxiety attack. Screw his own self awareness.

So, for the past hour, Hakuri has resigned to his fate of having to ride out the excruciating anxiety burning itself into his mind. It doesn't physically hurt per se, but it definitely leaves uncomfortable symptoms and equally unpleasant physical attributes. He had to quietly leave the shared bedroom and pace around the bathroom since Shiba took the couch. Its the only source of privacy, much to his dismay since the bathroom is not big enough to pace around in.

It's barely past 3 am when a soft knock is heard at the door.

"Hakuri?" A deep, tired voice calls out. Tired enough where softness still lingers around the edges. It startles Hakuri enough to delay his own spiraling for a few moments.

"Yeah? Sorry, wait, hold on," Hakuri isn't really able to gather himself enough to speak, with his thoughts muddled so much that speaking is not on his list of priorities. It's too late/early to think about that. He opens the door a bit to Chihiro, in a black shirt and sweats with his hair a little messy, "I, uhm, cant sleep. Too much going on." He says. Chihiro nods and leans against the doorway.

"Do you need anything?" Chihiro asks, red eyes matching the gentle whisper of his voice. Hakuri tries to think the question over but pulls out blanks so he shrugs slightly. Chihiro's hand touches his shoulder and it guides him back to their shared room, right to Hakuri's futon.

Hakuri sits down and shakes his head, now that he's sitting still his hands shake so much that his fingers barely cooperate when he wants to flex his fingers. "No-No I just need to...ride this out? Nothing helps." He breathes out, shaky and nervous now that his vulnerability is laid bare and there's no running from it. At least the lights are off, he thinks. Chihiro just nods and kneels in front of him, similar to when he found Hakuri in the bathroom with scissors in his hands. He doesn't say anything and he doesn't need to. Chihiro telegraphs his movements with practiced ease. Maybe he got the skill from Char, or learned after what happened to him several years ago. Maybe it's just subconscious, a habit that formed with no important reason other than Chihiro's need to save others in little ways outside of swordsmanship.

Hakuri's distracted enough that he flinches a bit when both of the other's hands rest firmly on his shoulders, and the pressure from the contact is strangely comforting. Hakuri wants to relax under it, to soak in the warmth from calloused palms hidden by the fabric of the cotton shirt. Maybe he wants to let himself be selfish, even if the cruel voice in his mind screams at him that he doesn't deserve the comfort.

"I have an idea," Chihiro states softly, "Deep pressure therapy. It needs physical contact, so if you don't want that I understand." Chihiro says. His dark silhouette is like a shadow in the dimness of the bedroom. It's almost scary that even though he's actively trying to minimize his presence, it's still a little intimidating in its own right. It fascinates Hakuri; how Chihiro is naturally terrifying yet makes so much effort to comfort him like he's worthy of it.

Hakuri decides then that he wants that. Anxiety and crumbled mental health be damned.

"Okay," Hakuri whispers, "I trust you." because he does. It's terrifying how much he trusts the man before him. How much he's comforted by sharp vermillion and coal, a heavy contrast to melting ice and the early morning sky. He sits still, holding his breath and waiting, hands still shaking along with his body and his heart palpitating from stress and something else unrecognizable.

Chihiro wordlessly shifts forward until his hands press down a little more, and Hakuri quickly finds them laid down in his futon. Chihiro is laying half his bodyweight on top of him, arms wrapped around his waist tightly so it's enough to create a pressure that blankets his senses almost immediately. Their legs are tangled, and it's a little awkward for a few minutes especially when you're cuddling with a friend who never seemed to favor physical contact at all. If theres one thing Hakuri knows for certain, though, is that Chihiro never does something he'd be uncomfortable doing when it comes to topics outside of sword fighting.

Eventually, to make it less awkward is what Hakuri tells himself, he wraps his own arms around Chihiro's waist to keep the shorter man from sliding off of him.

It's...comfortable. It's warm, and the raven hair tickles his nose a bit. Theres softness lingering in the contact shared that contradicts nicely with the weight of Chihiro on top of him. Hakuri also realizes that despite their height difference (it's small, but noticable enough for Hinao to poke fun at Chihiro occasionally) they fit really nicely together. Like two puzzle pieces directly in the center of the board.

They don't talk but they don't need to. Hakuri's heart slows while the ambient noises of cars and sirens outside drown out the rest of his thoughts. He sighs and basks in comfort and safety that he'd never thought he'd feel again.

He doesn't have nightmares that night, and neither does Chihiro.

Sighs...my taste in manga has evolved. Time for Kagurabachi

Also I cant sleep bc i have an interview in 11 hours so take this unedited contribution to the fandom

CW: Hakuri's childhood trauma and PTSD, descriptions of PTSD triggers and Anxiety

Hakuri cut his hair.

In hindsight (10 seconds ago) it was a stupid, impulsive decision made out of sheer anguish, anger, sadness, grief, and emotional instability. In all fairness, it was only the longer part of his hair, the part he wrapped with a ribbon to keep together and out of his face. He cut it too short, though. Now, it's choppy and anyone can see from a mile away that he cut them with paper scissors he found in a drawer near the kitchen.

He doesn't really remember how he got here, only that he looked in the mirror. He saw his siblings staring back at him, disappointed, disgusted, apathetic towards him and then he felt the bruises that have since been long gone from his skin. He felt the crooked fingernails, the bones improperly healed in his hands shaking from how tense he got so quickly.

He felt fear.

Now, his hair is choppy on one side. Tears well up even more and he realizes that he's been crying. Looking in the mirror again, it's just him, the scissors, his red face and puffy eyes staring back and his god awful haircut.

He hears the front door open and close and in a stupid attempt to hide himself he slams the bathroom door shut. Shortly after locking it, he hears Chihiro's voice amongst everyone else's usual chatter.

"Hakuri?" He calls out, and he feels his footsteps grow closer. Hakuri's hands tremble, dropping the scissors. He doesnt know what to do. He knows Chihiro wont get mad, maybe Char will laugh at his hair for a bit. Unfortunately, his rational mind hasnt caught up yet. Its far behind in the race to claw out the hair from the sink and throw it in the small trash bin in the corner. Theres a knock at the bathroom door and Hakuri jumps at the sudden noise.

"Hakuri? You okay?" Chihiro asks, voice laced with concern through the door. It takes a moment for Hakuri to try and compose himself, clearing his throat enough to reply, "Yeah-Yeah I'm fine!"

Chihiro clearly doesnt buy it, "You dont sound okay," The door knob rattles softly, "Can you open the door?"

Hakuri shakes his head before he realizes he needs to speak, backing away from the door, but then deciding against it with how rough his vocal cords feel, "I...I messed up, Chihiro," He admits, another sob escaping him before he can stop it.

"I'm not hurt! Promise! I just-just messed up and it looks bad and I dont want you to judge me."

Silence stretches for only a few seconds, and Hakuri swears he hears Chihiro's breathing through the door.

"Hakuri, I swear to you I will not judge," Chihiro's voice is low and reassuring, more than Hakuri believes he's deserving of right now, "Let me in?"

He doesnt know how Chihiro can just give promises like that to him when theyre so rare. Its a moment of raw vulnerability that he's displaying, all for the sake of making sure Hakuri is okay. The ugly part of him tells him he doesnt deserve it, that he's better off staying locked in the bathroom and telling Chihiro to leave. That rational part of him knows it wont work, that its not true because the man on the other side of that door believes he deserves more.

He unlocks the door, but cant bring himself to open it, so Chihiro meets him halfway and slowly opens the door to enter the bathroom, closing it behind him before looking up.

Theres a longer stretch of silence, Chihiro's expression doesnt show any hint of what Hakuri is looking for. He's indifferent, but thats his normal look. He watches with ingrained perceptiveness as the other's eyes dart around cautiously before landing on the evidence of his unfortunate haircut and mental breakdown.

"Ah, you cut your hair." Thats all chihiro says before bending down to pick up the scissors, placing them on the sink's counter carefully. Hakuri can only stare at the floor and nod. He can feel tears threatening to form again and now he feels like crying for two reasons instead of one. His head hurts.

Theres a hand on his shoulder, thumb just barely touching his neck and Hakuri has to fight back the instinct to run. Chihiro notices, but his hand stays right where it is as a soothing presence amist the last dregs of his breakdown plaguing his brain.

"Its not that bad, you just need to even it out," Chihiro states, "I can cut it for you, if you want." The offer stands as an out for Hakuri. Chihiro does those a lot, where he'll offer to do something for him but give him the verbal reassurance that he can leave or say no whenever he wants to. He considers it for a moment, before squashing down his shame and giving a shallow nod.

"Stay here, I'll get proper scissors." Then Chihiro disappears from the room.

Hakuri sits on the toilet lid in the meantime, exhaustion slowly creeping in as he starts to remember bits and pieces of the episode. He remembers Shiba telling him about how some people have them when they're healing from trauma of some kind. Lately, he's had more than usual, mostly at night in his nightmares or when he's so anxious he cant sleep and has to pace around the tiny room to tire himself out.

He remembers Shiba telling him about what exactly he's going through, too.

"Its called PTSD. A lot of people have it, especially because of the war. Make no mistake, though, kid. Anyone can have it, and its a bitch to deal with, but eventually you learn how to live in spite of it."

That conversation was mentally taxing, he thinks. He wonders if this is a part of that, too. Could he have stopped it? Been normal? Or maybe he could have fought back, even if it ended in something miraculously worse than mental scars.

He doesn't hear Chihiro enter the room again, but he does make his presence obvious by standing in front of him, startling Hakuri from his thoughts.

"If you change your mind, even halfway through, just tell me," Chihiro whispers as he kneels down before Hakuri.

"Okay, I promise," He whispers back, voice shaky once he feels calloused hands brushing through his hair. Chihiro gives him a small smile, one of those rare ones that never see the light of day. For one quick moment Hakuri thinks about how he wants to see Chihiro smile more.

The hair cutting is simple, and Hakuri has to close his eyes unless he'd rather blink away the small bits of hair that fall onto his face. He sputters a bit when some get in his mouth and it makes Chihiro huff whats his own version of a laugh, just a small puff of air what would be seen as mild sarcasm to most people. It feels like hours of Chihiro's hands carding through his hair, his hands gently brushing the hair away from his eyes, the sound of scissors snipping through the choppy bits of Hakuri's remnants of what he remembers seeing in the mirror.

He opens his eyes when Chihiro puts down the scissors, and is met with the man's own eyes staring. He doesn't want to look away yet. When he's letting his guard down, even for a fraction of a second, there's a softness to him that's impossible to ignore. Hakuri wants to take it in, maybe even ingrain it into his mind like a polaroid for him to keep forever. He doesn't want to look in the mirror yet and Chihiro wont ask him to.

"Thank you," He murmurs, still looking at Chihiro and the deep red eyes that crinkle minutely. He notices then that maybe Chihiro has been smiling more than he thought.

"Are you feeling alright enough to leave the bathroom?" Chihiro asks, standing and offering a hand that Hakuri takes so he stands with him.

"Yeah. I think so," He yawns, "Tired though."

"Thats okay, I'll let the others know not to disturb you." Hakuri nods in acknowledgement. Chihiro guides Hakuri to leave the bathroom with him and doesnt leave his side until Hakuri is lying on his futon in their tiny shared room that they're borrowing from Hinao.

Once comfortable with the sheets up to his chin and facing Chihiro, who stands in the doorway still, he smiles. It's a small one, tired and grateful for the other's presence and help through an ugly moment.

"Hakuri?" Chihiro's voice betrays his's stoic expression.

"Yeah?" His own voice wavers, too.

"If you ever have an episode again and need help, call for me or Shiba." Chihiro says, setting his voice so there's no room for negotiation. He's serious, and that rattles Hakuri a little.

"Okay, I will," He answers back, hoping to gain the bravery to ask for help for something like this. Chihiro nods and shuts the door behind him shortly after leaving.

[sw3etcreatur]

IGHT the irl meet mashup panic 3rd wheel hangout that was supposed to be a cute date n make out thing a story for me to read 03.27.22

first off all this dude was supposed to go to work but called off cuz he was feeling sick ANYWAY

friend R didn’t confirm w me he wanted to hang till i was already on campus (and an hour before too lyke), but hm partly my fault for agreeing and leading that it would be fine to hang that day on short notice

okay fast track to earlier mans says r u down i say ya im down blah blah then he sends a spotify link and says he has tix to see this artist next week but silly me didn't click the link or look up if the artist was act touring and said coo nice dood will listen to it later! anyway proceeds to tell me he's on his way cue me excited nervous blushing looking forward to it (in an hour ish also i was so hungry, shouldve ate lunch to avoid this coming MESS)

anyway SILLY ME AGAIN i had made plans w another friend S for later lunch/early dinner food and instead of cancelling on one or the other, i keep both hang outs. mind you these r two completely different people. i tell S that i was meeting with R also but forgot to tell R that S was gonna be hanging with us, at least for food. my b

friend gets here, im sitting with a diff friend J and introduce them and they bond over the alchemist since J was reading that okay then S gets here a little later im like omg s <3_<3 and we tell J byeeee time for food

now, friend said he already ate so i assumed he wouldn't eat so i would buy him a drink or something bc i was fs gonna eat i was hungryyy but no this man gets food anyway and enjoys his bowl and im like oh? bc also i knew he probs didnt want to spend money? he mentioned that a couple days ago about saving i was like yeah valid totally b i'm like that too blah blah he gets up at some point to throw his trash away and s asks if we're dating im like babes we just met for the first time in person today after texting/facetiming for a week hahaah B HE ALSO SAYS I HAVE H03S, u r my ho likeeeee

OKAY ANYWAY,.. this is where my biggest mistake was made (maybe)... i ask S what her plans are after food and she says nothing im like oop i look at friend and i'm like idek we have no plans either but im dumb i think we had a d*te and i stupidly go like oh! movies? and then i'm like okay fryft to my place even frikin though i specifically told friend he would not be seeing my apartment day 1 of meet up im so dumb yall 1. i should've told S bye see u next week, 2. that's it i should told her bye but .... bro i panicked i just didnt know how to tell s no i wanna be alone with a boy ugh i cant say no to ppl and deep down i've been wanting to hang w s for minute now

we go back to my place, give them a tour blah blah kinda awkward grrrr im a terrible hostess blah blah yay arrived to my bland apartment <3 friend has not really said a word <3 i feel awful but i didnt know why just yet*

we watch some amazon prime then peaky blinders and not even half way friend is like oki gtg dont wanna get home too late (he seems annoyed lmaoooo) and i walk him down to the train station (s asked if i wanted her to come and walk him down but i was like nah we're cool) anyway walking down im like soooo what'd u wanna know he says well it's too late and in my head im like ? how is it too late anyway fool misses his train he timed it wrong but i walk him over anyway and i think i would've stayed with him till the next train got there but i foolishly left my phone back in my apartment im so DUMB moral of the story our d8 turned into a really awkward 3 person hang out but more awk for him then me and s since we're friends oh also i introduced him to 2 more of my roomies and i feel awful lmao he said he had social anxiety which i should've taken more seriously

fast forward again hanging w S rest of the night ahhhh after friend leaves then shots with roomies after S leaves and boom it's 2 am and i decide to text friend hoping he got home okay THEN I CLICK THE SPOTIFY LINK HE SENT EARLIER THAT DAY b it was .... b this man must've been soooo disappointed LMAO but what were u doing having expectations cmon (cmon by 1d) ugh but he's soooo beautiful

*anyway why i feel awful: he's a brown man, S is a white woman i feel like maybe he thought i didnt trust him and needed a white savior to protect me which isnt true at all? i felt no threat from him, super easy going, we were in public the sun was out everything was fine! i wanted to be alone w him and walk around and talk :( i feel really bad about having S there the whole frickin time im soooo frickinnn pissed ahahaa we watched white chicks LOL anyway he said probably doesnt wanna meet again im like valid sure of course today was .... but i still wanna see him ... but i shouldnt .... we unfollwed eachother n everything soooo basically spirits said no :(

the end until next time maybe this summer #btr adventures lmao iykyk < 3

post remarks of things i know:

you have asthma , mom's a tr*mpie yet somehow got vaccine, dad projected his dreams onto u of wanting you to be a doctor or something but hey artist (which i love so much like wowwwwoowowowow)

nvm i do get attached to people i say i dont but i do its been two days im still thinking about this also here i am writing a 1000 word essay about a DAy and he's prolly like i j wanted some **** lmao boys r dumb h*ate m*n but again god he's gorgeous but i deserve the best <3 whatever tht may be <3