#BR*CKHAMPT*N

[anonwords]

may 31 2020

as if the world wasnt already in a state of unrest, cops went and killed another black man. George Floyd. they knelt on his throat for 10 minutes. 10. they also pushed Regis Korchinski-Paquet off her balcony, killing her. and they killed Tony McDade, a trans man. the first riots were in Minneapolis, where george was killed. then within a week, 25 US cities were rioting. peaceful at first, but cops posing as protesters started destroying businesses and inciting violence, leading to full on violence from protesters, leading ultimately to cops using force to disperse the crowds. Ive seen photos of people shot in the head with rubber bullets, someone lost their eye, my cousin was maced in the face. at least 15 states have curfews in their cities, and the cops are relentless. I don’t know whether to believe real change is coming, or maybe this will all blow over in a month, and everything will go back to the way it was. one thing is for sure though: all cops are bastards, and the cops will pay with their blood for the blood of the people of color and specifically black people, which they so easily have spilled on the streets since America’s inception. 

  the virus isnt helping the whole protesting movement, I just know theres gonna be spikes all over the country. the virus does seem to be slowing in parts of the world, but the ever looming second wave has yet to begin. south korea has some of the lowest numbers of infection since their rise and new zealand has completely gotten rid of it. the whole damn country is without infection. meanwhile in america any effort led by the govt to test people has been a complete farce. trump says nothing can be done, and when twitter fact checks two of his tweets, executive orders two days later to combat them. i really hope we as a nation can see where his priorities lie, and we need to vote him out. btw when asked what will the govt do about the protesters, he said and i quote: “when the looting starts, the shooting starts!” i really hope they kill this man.

  josh says if nothing pans out by august for a place to live with group members, he wants me and him to get a place together, which i totally agree with. I can just keep saving and when they open the dmv’s i can get my license, and i can live up there on my own. god its all i want. to be free. Im so ready. ive been talking to josh more frequently through phone calls and its nice to talk to someone who just loves all forms of art and understands on my level. our convos would go on forever when we were together, and i really miss that. just drinking and smoking and being chill. when the state is in phase 3, we want to drive up to san francisco, me, him, ian, and maybe donald. ive never been that far up the coast and the city has so much rich gay history ive always wanted to see for myself. Ian said i was really sweet and no ones called me that in a long time. it made me feel really good and i was smiling the whole day. ian is very straight, not even a hint of femininity in his deep voice, but he���d be the perfect twink. not too perfect though because he is light skinned, but still very cute. 

  I had a dream last night that i was at a party with my friends, and i was in a room full of people in a house ive never been to before. there was this girl who was very pretty and basically exactly my type. she was very thin, short, had black hair that went to her shoulders, glasses, and she dressed like daria’s best friend. she had pretty brown eyes, light skin, very pretty smile, and a perfect cute little nose. EXACTLY my type. my subconscious was on my side for once. now that i think about it, she kind of looked like this girl from high school who i had a crush on. still kinda do. anyways she kept glancing at me from across the room and when our eyes would meet she’d smile and i would smile back, with a cool nod. she ate that shit up. finally i went to take a piss. i had my dick in my hands and she comes into the tiny bathroom and puts her hands over my eyes, and says “guess who?”. before i could say anything, she takes her hands off my eyes, and grabs my dick, still in my hands from peeing. i said “woahh” and she giggles and smiles. she starts stroking me and i waddle over to the sink to wash my hands, with her still stuck to my back, my dick still in her hands. i start to get hard, i look down and my dick is now fully engorged in her hands, my dick never looked so tasty. my dream cuts to us making out in the hallway, and i keep instinctively putting my leg up to her thigh, like i was the sub and she was the dom. i had to keep reminding myself i was in charge, and i had to be big and strong, so i stopped. then we cut to her on a bed, me on top of her, the room was glowing red. i started eating her out. i vividly remember the way it felt. my tongue was exploring every nook, every cranny, every part of her. my lips were so soft but she felt softer, and i could feel my tongue going deeper into her, my mouth filling with her cum, and i would let it drip out my mouth, to get her wetter and sloppier. she was writhing around with pleasure, pleasure only i could give her. then my dream took the weirdest fucking turn when marge simpson of the simpsons was on the other side of the bed, behind me, asking me to fuck her. this was not the marge simpson from the show, as she had the fattest ass ive ever seen, and didnt even sound like her at all. she was sitting on the bed in such a way that her dripping vagina was facing me, and she kept asking me to fuck her. in my head i was trying to come up with a polite way of saying i dont fuck moms, but the girl was down for a threesome. so i finally agreed and the girl was gonna ride me while i ate marge but i said no because i was afraid i was gonna cum. but then marge somehow found out i didnt want to fuck her and she left in mr burns’ car. so then me and the girl cuddled for a while and that felt great. she was so soft and smelled so good and i think i kissed her neck a few time. but then she had to leave and started saying goodbye. i asked for her insta and gave her my phone so she could follow herself. then i walked her out to her uber or friends car, i dont remember who it was, and on the way out i could hear a song from the watchmen soundtrack, and i knew cesar was showing some girl the first episode of the series. then i was in front of the house and the street was really pretty with trees everywhere and it was really windy, and we said goodbye. i think wt one point i even asked “where are we?”. i think some stuff happened after that but i dont remember. i woke up wanting a girl, something i havent wanted for a long time. i dont know how to feel about it, but that was the nicest dream ive had in months. i hope my subconscious is good to me that way from now on.

  i forgot to mention in the beginning im 21 now. i can buy alcohol and walk into dispensaries now, not that that was a problem before. im getting older and i often think about how i want to die. and i keep coming to the same conclusion that when the time comes, i want to kill myself. that won’t be for a long time though, at least. say one day the doctor tells me i have x amount of months/years to live. if im at a certain age where i feel like ive had a full life, i don’t want to waste away in some home, shitting myself and watching the days go by, i want to die still coherent, and continent at least. so maybe around 70 or so i’ll poison myself, while on mushrooms, so i can trip out and die in a world of color. i guess i never plan to marry or be in a serious relationship then. maybe for a while, but it will have to end someday. when i picture myself dying, its always by myself, by my pool, in my silk robe, having breakfast, smoking and drinking. then im just gone. i dont know if that’s supposed to be poetic or whatever, but its how id want to go. not surrounded by family because i expect them all to be dead when i go. i want to be admired for my storied career, and i want to be a relic of new old hollywood. loved and adored by people who are old or dead. i dont ever want to die in a hospital bed, i dont want to die battling some disease for years, when i feel its my time, i want to be in control of how i go. it will be hard for some but i plan on telling those i care most about about my plan so they’ll be ready. it will be so perfect, my death. on that day the sun will shine on my skin, and the warmth will be spectacular. the birds will chirp and the air will be so clean. my death will be clean. i plan to live a full life, and when i fell ive livedmy life to the fullest, thats when it will be my time.