#BOINGING OFF THE WALLS

[kikruui]

HSGSSGWISGOWIUSGWHWISYHSIWGAHAFYAWVJDIDYWUGWGWAAA

AAAAAAAAABAGAGAAGAAAAAA

O5MKTODHS THANK YOU AOSOSOSOO MUCHHH STARING AT THESW FORWVWR HANGING THEM UP ON MY WALL AAA I LOVR YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOUU I LOVE YOU/P💖💖💗💗💕💞💞💓💞💞💗💗💖

NEVER EVER GETTING OVER THIS EVER EVERRR EYES ARE LITERALLY GLUED TO MY SCREEN AHGAHAHSHSA

IM GLADD YOU LIKE THEM THEY MEAN SO MUCH TO MEE

STARINF AT THESW WITH LITERAL TEARS IN MY EYES OOMYGOODNESS THIS IS EVERYTHINF TO MEE THANK YOU AGAINN💞💞💞💞💗💞💞

WUAHSJHEIEUW9ISUDHKWIDJSHUSIHEDHUSIEIDDDHEUUWJSHD

@kikruui's designs because both them and their designs are cool as hell !! go check them out :))

[image ID a digital drawing of sun and moon designs by kikruui. sun is stood slightly taller than moon with one hand by his face and the other stretched out behind moon. moon is slightly hunched over with both hands in claw-like shapes at his sides. the background is purple with a light purple outline around sun and moon. end ID]

[vendettavalor]

// fellas, what if I showed you my analog horror project-

[cinnamons1999]

can grey spy acknowledge my existence.

(im balls off the wall rn, completely gooblydoobled, springleboinged, absolutely zoinged, goinged, boinged, and a little bit snickerdoodled)

[canvas-the-florist]

Learning to Listen

Ships: Past Romantic Prinxiety, Romantic Intruality,

Warnings: Messy breakup, swearing, unintentional bigotry, mentions of sex, brief (VERY brief) making out

Summary: Virgil, Roman, Patton, and Remus move into a house together as housing during college. It works out great until Virgil and Roman breakup and Remus discovers some things that could complicate his own romantic relationship with Patton (none of the characters are unsympathetic they’re just stupid.)

Word Count: 1.8K

-

   “I’m just an over glorified fuck buddy to you, aren’t I?!” Virgil yelled through the thin walls and Remus flinched at the noise. Roman and Virgil decided to have an apparently much needed fight. He was glad that Patton wasn’t home to witness what he assumed was a breakup. Remus didn’t know whether or not he was going to have to comfort Virgil or Roman.

   “No! I just- Virgil you aren’t listening to me! Like you ever do!” Remus turned up the music in his headphones, despite it already at max volume. His eardrums were probably going to explode, with blood and whatever cartilage did when it couldn’t handle the stress of hearing.

   “Are you breaking up with me?!”

   “Yeah, VIRGIL, I think I am!” Remus was impressed that they had gotten to that part after two hours. But hey, they got there in the end, right? He heard the door of the room open and slam shut. He paused his music and looked up to see Roman looking deflated. Roman walked over and sat next to Remus silently. Remus didn’t say anything, not wanting to fuck up his brother’s day anymore, even though that sounded like fun. Roman screamed into a pillow and fell the back of his head onto Remus’s lap, slapping his phone to the ground. “Did you manage not to hear any of that?”

   “Oh I’m pretty sure your voice could’ve broken the windows if you tried harder.” Remus supplied. “I don’t know exactly what the fight was about though, you guys were talking like normal people at the point.”

   “What would you know about normal people?” Roman responded snarkily, before shaking his head softly and corrected himself. “Sorry. That fight was a lot, I’m not sure the adrenaline of it has burned out yet… Remus, is it weird that I thought we were doing really well? I didn’t even notice Virgil wasn’t happy with it. I really fucked up.”

   Remus thought briefly to his own dating life. He realized he related more than he wanted to. “Yeah, you really boinged that one, dude. But, I’m sure it’ll be okay. If it doesn’t work out I can decapitate Virge for you. He’s my best friend but you’re my brother.”

   Roman laughed lightly, and tears rolled down his face unto Remus’s legs. His laughter quickly turned to sobbing into Remus’s shirt until Patton came home from work 30 minutes later. He opened the door humming to himself until he saw the twins on the couch, Roman’s makeup running and generally looking like a mess.

   “Is… everything okay?” Remus shook his head and Patton nodded to himself. “Where’s Virgil?” That simple question got Roman to crumble down horizontally on the couch again. Patton thought to himself with furrowed brows about that response. Remus pointed to Virgil’s room and Patton followed, knocking on the door. He went in after a few seconds to see Virgil curled up in a ball, shaking and clearly not alright.

   He couldn’t even choke a word out. Patton closed the door and sat on the ground in front of him. Without questioning anything he opened up his arms in case Virgil wanted a hug. He did. “Okay kiddo, breathe in for four seconds for me. Now hold it for seven-”

   This went on until his breathing was stable. Virgil’s fist was closed around a piece of Patton’s shirt. “I shouldn’t have yelled at him.”

   “Do you want to talk about it?” Patton asked, tightening his grip. He had begun to suspect what might’ve happened and almost wanted to cry about it himself, but it wasn’t about him right now. “Not that you have to but if you need to, I’m here.”

   “No, my therapist has told me to communicate better. Which, ironically, what I was trying to do with Roman…” Virgil trailed off, loosening his grip of Patton’s shirt and looking up to his ceiling. He doesn’t really seem to want me other than to have sex and after mentioning that it eventually turned into a screaming match. And then he… then he broke up with me. I should’ve listened to him before but I didn’t. Patton I don’t know what to do.”

   Patton bit his lip for a second. Only sex, huh? He thought back to himself and Remus. They sort of had the opposite issue… This wasn’t about that though. Virgil still wanted a response. “I wasn’t there, Virgil, and this isn’t my relationship we’re talking about. I- do you want suggestions or do you just want me to listen without giving any opinions?”

   “Suggestions would be cool.”

   “Alright,” with that permission Patton tried to think of his best friendly advice. ‘Communication’ was usually always the answer but it was some sort of subsection of that Patton wasn’t sure how to explain. Listen to Roman? Be clear about your wants in a romantic relationship? It was hard for Patton to follow those in his OWN dating life. He realized more and more issues to bring up to Remus after this resolved somehow. “Well, it would probably be helpful to listen to what Roman wants in the relationship and have him listen to what you would want. And then… based on that, work on how to do that together or if that’s not compatible… Break off the romantic relationship because it would probably be healthier that way.”

   Virgil whistled lowly. “Dang, Pat. I was sort of expecting a follow your heart thing. But, thank you. I guess that would mean confronting the issues, which is quite honestly terrifying. I should probably do that now or something…” He stood up, holding his head from doing it too fast and made his way to the door. Patton remained on the floor a moment longer before following.

Remus was back to listening to music while Roman was scrolling on his phone as Remus played with his hair idly. Virgil grabbed the fabric of his jacket before walking to the loveseat. He heard Patton close his door and almost jumped out of his skin. He took a deep breath. “Roman? Maybe we should try again with that discussion… I don’t want this to be screaming. I like you, a lot. What do you say?”

   He made brief eye contact with Roman, seeing the dried tears and puffy eyes, but he nodded and sat up. Remus gave Virgil a raised eyebrow but said nothing. “Okay.” Roman croaked. Patton walked to the kitchen almost immediately to give both of them glasses of water to fight back against what the yelling and tears did to their throats. “You can start.”

   “Should we leave?” Remus asked, as Patton handed the glass to Virgil and then Roman. Patton sat down at the one chair in the room, but didn’t get comfortable just in case. “I mean it’s your conversation.”

   “You can stay. I don’t want to yell again. A mediator would be good.” Like it helped before, Remus thought to himself, but stayed put. Virgil cleared his throat with a small cough and took a sip of water. “I’m starting? Okay. I feel like I'm not getting a lot of romantic affection lately in our relationship that I would really appreciate. We don’t really kiss or anything and I would like to know if that’s because of me or not. You can go now.”

   Roman blinked and used a tissue from the side table to clean up his face as he spoke. “Thank you for telling me that, Virgil… I didn’t realize that you wanted affectionate stuff that badly. I feel like I don’t need that in my relationships and I’ve been questioning my sexuality and romantic orientations for a while. And I probably should’ve brought this up earlier but… I think I’m…” He looked down at the ground. “I think I’m aromantic.” He sounded like he was about to cry again. Remus looked at Patton with wide eyes.

   Patton returned the look as Virgil talked next. “Oh. Roman, I’m so sorry about the fuckbuddy comment, shit. I didn’t realize… but I’m proud of you for finding that out about yourself. Maybe it would be healthier if we broke up, huh?”

   Roman laughed, new tears falling down his face. The two embraced each other, laughing while crying. “Yeah, I guess we are breaking up then!”

   It would hurt for a while, and the change was definitely huge but it was better. But after witnessing that Patton and Remus knew that they had to talk. The only question was who would be the first to bring it up?

-

   Remus and Patton were on Patton’s bed, making out. Which was fine, neither of their roommates were home and it was fun. The issues came up when Patton’s hand went under Remus’s shirt. “Is this okay?” He asked. It all came crashing down when Remus shook his head no. They stopped immediately and fell onto the bed looking up at the ceiling next to each other. “We should talk about this. Not that you didn’t want to, just that we need to define better boundaries for our relationship.”

   “You’re right. We should talk about this.” Remus gulped. Apparently it was already happening. After two weeks but it still didn’t feel like enough time. “Patt, I love you… But I don’t know about fucking.”

   “Crass, but I get it. Are you… asexual?” He looked over at his boyfriend, who shrugged. “Well, that’s fine too. So no sexual stuff. Got it. Anything else that would cross the line that we should talk about?”

   Remus was tempted just to shrug again but didn’t. “I don’t know yet. After Roman finding out he’s aromantic I’ve been thinking. I still want to be with you, but can I give you everything you want in a relationship? I don’t think I… I don’t think I NEED or WANT sex at all, but I haven’t decided yet. I’m so fucking confused.”

  “I may want it, Remus but I don’t think it’s a need in our relationship.” Patton reassured. And he wasn’t lying either. He believed what he was saying, glad that his conversations with Janus had also gotten him to check his own wants and needs in general. “I think I’m alright like this, but it’s important for me to know for sure.”

   He reached out for Remus’s hand, and he took it. They looked up at the ceiling, with a feeling of clarity that helped them relax. It wasn’t really a change at all, but it gave reason to actions and made sure they wouldn’t make the other uncomfortable. And that was worth it.

Taglist: @vpow @loveroffandoms @yourfellowsmolgay @moth-bugs @vsem-5

[timid-plumber-archive]

"TRAIN IT?! WHADDA YOU MEAN, TRAIN IT?! TRAIN IT FOR WHAT?!"

He was nuts. Officially and wholly nuts. Bowser wanted to keep this raging creature alive and well and treat it like it was a friend! What was more, he wanted Luigi to be the bait that would almost certainly be eaten alive! This was SO WRONG on SO MANY LEVELS.

The plant's head broke free of its confines, ripping the plunger out of Luigi's grip. It stayed adhered to the plant's head, boinging around as the head moved this way and that to get itself oriented to its new location. As Bowser predicted, it homed in on Luigi, sensing a weak bit of prey for its toothy jaws. Luigi backed up step after step, clumsily grabbing for anything he could grab onto.

"N-nice plant!" he said. "You just need to be relocated! Heh..."

There! Something solid and metal hit his hand. He took hold of it; the object had, at one point, held towels on the wall. Not anymore. Now it would be defense against this hellion. Luigi held the bar up between both of his hands, wishing he had a proper shield instead of a glorified stick.

"I ah- don't suppose you play fetch?" he asked the plant. He backed up more. His foot hit something else solid. He stole a glance downward. The toilet lid! It was grabbed off the floor in an instant, and held up awkwardly between himself and the plan with one hand. Luigi waggled the towel rack in the other. "D'you like the shiny stick? Huh? Please tell me you like the shiny stick!"

The toilet is forfeit. Luigi can always buy him a new one!

"We train it!" Bowser declared, crossing his arms. A quick loop ties the two vines together. Just in time too, for the third gifted its owner a nice little whack between the horns!

It may leave a mark, but the plant traded its last vine for that. The king snatched it right out of the air and gave it a gruff yank in return! With no vines left, its head is the only option for attacking that menace had left!

"Here's what we do!" The king leads. "You're the bait. The second it shows its head, look weak and easy to hit like ya normally do! Then, when it attacks... DUCK. Got it!?"

The room shakes. It's coming...! So hopefully Luigi does!

[cavernovs]

PRICELESS.

Location: Ace’s Place. Time: Anytime.  Closed for: @michaelcardellerp​

Ace had found a great store on Eastside – wandered the streets, or something like that. If he were asked to recall exactly how he got there. He would swear it was magic – that he got a ride on the back of one of the ghosts that visits him; an apparition that whispered in the language of the turtles. And he didn’t speak turtle. But he could snap his jaw and pretend. Reality was, pixie sparkled on his upper lip, dried substance that stuck to the corner of Remington’s skin and gave him a little boost every time his tongue licked his lips. Pretty often for someone who twitches with excitement – all kinds, and talked to walls like they held all the secrets that might upturn the state.

There was plenty Ace knew – little snippets of information that replaced kochba in most places. I heard from the orbs… often sounds troubling, but, sell it with enough real potential truth and anyone would believe even the maddest of madmen.

Collector’s Quarters – where he’d found his new favourite object, or maybe he had recovered it and it was once his? He can’t remember, just knows that the woman with the voice like silk had said many things that sounded like something he’d read in some poets novels. And he hadn’t read that as much as he’d repurposed it into rolling paper.

He couldn���t wait to show Dodger his goldmine find.

“Hey, hey, hey, hey, heeeeeeyyyyyy,” Ace kept saying it – deadpan first, then just repeating it, over and over. “Dodgemandoop, dodgeeemannnddooooo—fuc-” he’d gone to reach for his demon friend, stumbled over his own shoelace when his new priceless item had hindered him and obscured his vision. He turned to the air next to him: “Jam and cream orbs, I told you I’m busy,” grumbled as the red-eyed mortal adjusted the novelty obsession on his face with sweaty fingers; neon green plastic-like glasses, half broken springs wrapped around the frame to offer googly eyes on springs that boinged out in front Ace – a stupidly drug fuelled grin plastered on his face as every time he moved his head the eyes-on-broken-springs slinkied out in front of him. I could be an alien. He had to tell Dodger.

“I can see everything, Dodge,” a beat, “Can you speak turtle? The shellmen won’t shut up and I can’t get them to speak jaguar,” a dramatic huff that is only settled when he wiggled his head again and chuckled when the slinky-springs bounced up and down off his face. He couldn’t see much through the cracks in the springs when they extended – but he didn’t need to.

Because, he could see everything. (Of course.)

Something orange flashed in Ace’s peripheries and he spun around fast, nearly winded himself and the springs slinked with him – couldn’t catch the orange apparition fast enough. Drugs playing tricks. A lack of sobriety the man’s happy place, always.

And right now, so was the googly-eyed-slinky-spring glasses.

There was a plan already in place – he was taking his socks off (because they always bother him.), and preparing to use them to knot the edge of the glasses to his ear so they would never fall from his face. He shuffled closer to the demon, a faux urgency in his tone: “I got an idea, gimme your socks,”

[bookbornexiv]

quoth the raven,

The raven on the roof of the stable pretended to preen itself as it watched the two men ride out of the frozen courtyard. Yes, foolish men; leave! Nothing for you in this miserable huddle of iced-over buildings, perhaps once a village, just far away enough from Ishgard that the city’s warm lights in the distance looked both comforting and desperately far away. Nothing of value not frozen solid and useless. Certainly nothing living.

Yet the raven seemed to shiver impatiently even through its puffed-up feathers, eyeing the men as their horsebirds carefully set down the icy path. Before they were quite gone, it spread its wings and took off, sailing bullet-sure across the yard and into a window of the once-grand house that stood there. The men, had they turned to look one last time, might have seen a black blur vanishing ominously into the house, and understandably harboured deep suspicions about its intentions...

But the truth was that the raven, unable to stop, simply bounced wildly about the ice-covered room it landed, screeching and flapping its wings as it boinged off furniture, walls, piles of toys, a wooden castle... Eventually it screamed, “Fuck,” in a woman’s voice and exploded in a cloud of feathers and smoke.

When the smoke cleared a small figure in a black robe stood up, mopping at its face miserably. “Fuck,” she repeated, drawing a cowl over her head. Rubbing her arms and scowling, she looked blearily at the ground, where heavy boots had left fresh footprints in the ice blanketing the once-soft carpet; followed them to where they stopped in front of a tall cupboard. The ice here had been brushed away in front of the cupboard, in a perfect semicircle. She pulled the door; it opened, tracing the same arc along the floor. Satisfied, she knelt, ignored dozens of forgotten toys staring hopefully from shelves that had become their graves, and pulled away the blankets on the shelf below. A dollhouse emerged, dainty and intricate, paint worn dull by time and ice. Its front door was slightly ajar. A very, very faint glow pulsed from it, like the light of a distant, dying star.

The woman mumbled, “Fuck,” one last time as she retrieved her quarry from its hiding-place, but this time it was a sound of deep, sincere relief. The equally comforting sound of a spell of Return echoed through the room a moment later, and then the great house was empty again, as it had been for so many years. Ghosts didn’t count. Ghosts were empty too. 

*

featuring @houserosaire​ and Joyeux in a brief cameo

[per-ineptia-ad-astra]

Star Trek Episode 1.17: The Squire of Gothos

AKA Come Away O Human Landing Party

Our episode begins with a nice relaxed scene on the bridge, everyone hanging out, drinking coffee, and charting a course through a great big patch of nuthin’. They’re headed to Colony Beta Six to deliver some supplies. What kind of supplies are not specified. Hopefully not more plague medicine.

McCoy, leaning on Kirk’s chair as is his wont, picks up Kirk’s comment about how this place is a ‘star desert’ and starts talking about deserts and the imagery the word evokes, mirages and sand dunes and all that, with a surprising amount of fondness for a man who grew up in Georgia. Spock helpfully points out that the definition of ‘desert’ is “a waterless, barren wasteland” so he doesn’t really get why McCoy would be waxing poetic about such a place, which is a surprising lack of fondness for a man who grew up on a desert planet. McCoy just rolls his eyes and says that he couldn’t imagine any mirage “disrupting [Spock’s] mathematically perfect brainwaves” anyway, which Spock takes as a compliment.

All the conversation about deserts comes to a halt when Spock suddenly picks up a large “space displacement” up ahead. The navigator says they must be in some kind of light warp (???) or they would have noticed it earlier. Their sensors seem to be registering a planet, and sure enough there’s one on the viewscreen up ahead, clear as anything. Which is super weird, because this whole section of space has been explored and documented and they’re pretty sure there wasn’t a planet here last time. Strange as it is, though, Kirk says they’ve got no time to explore, they’ll just have to make a note of it so someone else can come check it out. Well, I’m glad to see you learned one lesson from last week, at any rate.

Uhura tries to notify someone over subspace radio about the strange case of the mysteriously appearing planet, but she’s getting interference, and thinks the mystery planet might be a natural radio source. What a nuisance. So Kirk tells Sulu to get out of range of that thing, and Sulu starts to—but then, suddenly, he disappears. And I mean really disappears. There one moment, gone the next, accompanied for some reason by an extremely over the top “BOING” sound.

Kirk rushes over to see what happened to his navigator, only for him to freeze in place and then vanish as well, also with a boing. Spock is so busy looking into his scanner he completely fails to notice any of this, even with the boinging, until the remaining helmsman yells out. Man, if I were that helmsman, I’d be getting out there, just in case whatever that was has an area of effect.

Spock whips round to find that the captain and one of the helmsmen have noped off into thin air, which calls for a bellow of “EMERGENCY! FULL REVERSE POWER!” I don’t really know how that’s going to help, but okay.

After the titles, we get a ‘ship’s log’ given by Spock to fill in for Kirk (how this differs from a captain’s log, I don’t know): they’ve misplaced their captain and helmsman and they’ve been circling around this weird mystery planet for four hours now, scanning it with everything they’ve got, but they haven’t picked up so much as a sneeze. Scotty says they’ve checked all over the ship and haven’t found the missing men anywhere, not stashed under a bed or in a closet or anything, which means that if they’re anywhere around here they’ve got to be on that planet. Of course, that’s assuming that they’re anywhere nearby on a cosmic scale, or that they’re currently on this plane of reality, or that they didn’t get zapped outside and are now floating slowly away through the vast emptiness of space, but none of those are really productive options so yeah, let’s look on the planet.

The other helmsman, DeSalle, immediately wants to beam down there with a search party, a suggestion that McCoy jumps on as well, but Spock reminds everyone that he’ll be making the decisions around here, thank you very much, we went over this enough last episode. He’s got a pretty good reason for being hesitant about that search party, as we learn when he asks the blueshirt who’s come in to sit at Sulu’s spot (for...some reason) what his readings about the planet show. The blueshirt, Jaeger, says that the planet has no detectable soil or vegetation, extremely high temperatures, a toxic atmosphere swept by tornadic storms, continuous volcanic eruptions, and is deadly to any life form as they know it without oxygen and life support systems. So that’s fun. Asked how long two humans without any of that protective gear could survive down there, all Jaeger can say is “not very long.”

This cheerful conversation is interrupted by a startled cry from Uhura. A message has suddenly appeared on one of the smaller viewscreens: “Greetings and Felicitations.”

[ID: Uhura sitting at her console with Spock standing behind her chair, both looking up at a viewscreen that reads ‘Greetings and Felicitations’ in ornate gothic text.]

That font does not bode well.

Spock tells Uhura to send a message back asking whoever this is to identify themselves. A moment later the viewscreen displays new text, as Spock reads out in a hilariously serious-yet-puzzled voice: “Hip-hip-hoorah, tallyho!”

Well, this is turning out to be a pretty weird day, alright. Spock tells the bridge he’s open to any theories at all, because really, what could anyone suggest that would be stranger than what’s already happened? McCoy points out that if someone’s sending them messages, there must be some kind of life on that planet. For once, Spock agrees with him, and orders the transporter room to be prepared. Scotty all but jumps into frame to volunteer for the landing party, but Spock tells him no, neither of them can be spared from the ship. Wait, you’re saying the person in charge of the ship isn’t going to be the first to beam down into dangerous, unknown territory? Spock, I don’t know if you’re really cut out for this command business.

Spock orders DeSalle, the helmsman, to lead the party, along with Jaeger, for his geophysical knowledge, and McCoy, because let’s be honest he’s gonna go anyway so you might as well let him and make things easier for everyone. They’re to go equipped with full armaments, communications and life support gear. “If those peculiar signals are coming from Captain Kirk or Mr. Sulu,” Spock says, “their rationality is in question.” Generally I’d agree, although really, with Kirk, anything’s possible.

The landing party soon meets up in the transporter room, equipped with full life-support equipment, which is...breath masks. Just breath masks, nothing else. Not even goggles or, hell, even a hat and scarf. Budget cuts hit hard, huh.

Spock comes in to see them off, and Uhura reports from the bridge that no more messages have come in, but she’s managed to pinpoint their source, so the landing party is going to be beamed there. Spock tells them to contact the ship as soon as they arrive, like your parents reminding you to call them when you get there, and to use the laser beacon if necessary. So...laser beacon. That’s a thing. I guess.

So the landing party heads down, but when they materialize, it’s not in a toxic, infernal hellscape...it’s in a nice grove with some trees and bushes.

[ID: McCoy, Jaeger (a slightly older white man with light brown hair) and DeSalle (a white man with dark brown hair) standing in a sandy clearing surrounded by trees and bushes, with a green sky in the background. All three men are wearing breath masks attached to devices on their belts, and looking around in confusion.]

“wtf, I know I’m a better geophysicist than this”

A quick reading reveals that the air is also quite breathable, so they take off their breath masks. As one might expect, they’re all pretty baffled. McCoy asks Jaeger (mispronouncing his name in the process) what the heck, what’s up with all those storms you were talking about? Jaeger can only shrug, with the half-confused, half-annoyed look of any expert who’s predicted something bad only to have it inexplicably averted.

DeSalle tries to calls the ship but his communicator isn’t working at all, and neither are the other two. As instructed he tries to use the laser beacon, but it seems something’s blocking it, so he says they’ll need to find more open ground.

The three of them separate a little bit to go looking around, but DeSalle quickly spots something and calls the other two over. It’s...a castle? Or possibly just a large and castle-like house, I’m not really sure.

[ID: Broad stone steps leading up to a stone building, with a large banded wooden door, torches on either side, and assorted gargoyle-like decorations.]

Well that definitely has no business being here. But once you see an inexplicable castle-house, there’s pretty much only one thing to do: go inside. The front door is unlocked, so the three of them slowly creep in.

Through the door is a small balcony overlooking a large, fancy room filled with as many historical-looking things as they could raid from the Desliu prop stores.

[ID: The interior of a lavishly decorated but old-fashioned room, with some assorted couches and chairs, suits of armor, a large globe, a bust of a man in a tricorn hat, a row of flags, and various other decorations.]

Also there’s this weird thing on the wall.

[ID: The mounted head of what appears to be some strange gray-skinned creature with big green googly eyes.]

seriously, what IS that

McCoy is like “where in the entire fuck are we” but no answer immediately presents itself. They start to head down the balcony stairs, but get distracted by the sight of something in an alcove to one side. It’s...Salty?? Yes, the ol’ salt monster themselves, apparently dead and now on display.  McCoy looks about as happy to see them as you might expect.

[ID: McCoy, DeSalle and Jaeger pausing on the stairs, phasers at the ready, looking at the still form of the furry gray-skinned salt monster tucked into an alcove.]

“oh man, I had a really bad day the last time I saw this dude”

Inexplicable as it is for Salty to be here, they don’t show any sign of being a threat anymore, so after a moment the three of them carry on. Not for very long, though, because they soon see something even more interesting—Kirk and Sulu! Dang, things always turn up in the most unexpected places after you lose them, huh. Only one small problem: they’re...frozen. Well, kind of frozen. You can definitely see George Takei moving a bit there.

[ID: Kirk and Sulu standing on a balcony in stiff, awkward poses, lit from above by a strange greenish light.]

The landing party naturally rushes forward. McCoy does a scan of the petrified goldshirts and says, “There’s no reading. They’re like waxworks figures.” That’s a disturbing thing to find out, but before they can contemplate it very much, the door suddenly slams shut all on its own. Oh great. Now we have to worry about ghosts too. As if this day wasn’t stressful enough already.

Just as suddenly, there’s the sound of music. They all turn to see a man playing the harpsichord on the other end of the room, a man who definitely wasn’t there before. He’s, uh...interesting.

[ID: A white man with brown hair and thick sideburns, wearing tall boots, green trousers, a fancy blue coat with gold leaf embroidery, and a white cravat, sitting at a harpsichord and looking over his shoulder at the camera.]

“I must say they make a perfectly exquisite display pair,” the man says, in pretty much exactly the kind of voice you’d expect from a guy who looks like that, “but I suppose you want them back now.”

He waves his hand and the strange green light shining over Kirk and Sulu goes out, and the two of them seem to wake up. Sulu starts moving at once, but Kirk just kind of stays in position for a moment with only his eyes moving around in confusion before he straightens up.

“Welcome to an island of peace on my stormy little planet of Gothos,” the guy at the harpsichord says, but everyone ignores him for the moment. Kirk and Sulu climb over the railing to join the landing party, and Kirk tells them to fill him in on just what the frell is going on around here. McCoy tells him that the two of them disappeared and they’ve been looking for them for four hours—which, as far as ways the sentence, “You disappeared and we’ve been looking for you for--” could end, is pretty good, all things considered; better than, say, “You disappeared and we’ve been looking for you for ten years.”

“You must excuse my whimsical way of fetching you here,” Ruffles over there continues, “but when I saw you passing by I simply could not resist.”

Kirk, still looking real dubious and a bit like he has a headache, goes over to introduce himself, which really sends Ruffles into full-on “OH HO HO HOW WONDERFUL SMASHING BRAVO” mode. When Kirk asks him who he is, he says that he’s “General Trelane, retired, at your service,” and tells them to make themselves at home and all that before going back to the harpsichord.

The landing party does a huddle, and DeSalle tells Kirk about how they’re out of contact with the ship, leaving them pretty much trapped here. Trelane interrupts to say that he’s delighted to have visitors from “the very planet that I’ve made my hobby.” Oh boy. It is never a good sign when someone tells you they’ve made the place where you came from their hobby.

Trelane says he’s surprised, though, because he didn’t think they were capable of such voyages. Jaeger quietly points out to Kirk that this place is about nine hundred lightyears away from Earth, and it all looks about nine hundred years out of date, indicating that maybe Trelane’s been looking in on the ol’ home planet without realizing his information is on a bit of a delay.

That really bums Trelane out because he so wanted to make them all feel at home, but he bounces back pretty quickly. When Kirk addresses him as General, he says, no, call me Squire-- “yes, I rather fancy that.” Okay, Squire, why are we imprisoned here? Trelane insists that they’re not prisoners, they’re guests! And he wants to hear all about “your campaigns, your battles, your missions of conquest.” Kirk says that their missions aren’t for conquest, they’re peaceful—well, y’know, most of the time. Romulans notwithstanding. Now, can we please go back to our ship?

But Trelane won’t hear of it. He insists that they stay and have a “repast” with him while they tell him all about their feelings on war and killing and all that jazz. “Did you know,” he asks them, “that you’re one of the few predator species that preys even on itself?”

Oh lord, not this “humans are the only species that kill their own kind!!” nonsense. Predators prey on each other ALL THE DAMN TIME. You think that, say, a lion, in direct competition with other lions for food, territory, and mates, is going to go “well I could have all of that lion’s stuff if I killed him, but of course I would never sink to such lows”? Animals will kill each other, they’ll kill each other’s children, hell, chimpanzees will wage full on war against other chimpanzees. Humans are just the only ones that feel bad about the whole thing. I suppose Trelane could mean humans are one of the only sapient species that does it, except that doesn’t track either—the vast majority of aliens we see in Star Trek seem to be fine with it. Even Vulcans got a whole lot of killing each other in before they settled down.

Kirk reacts to this statement with more or less the same expression that I did.

[ID: Kirk with a distinctly unimpressed look on his face.]

DeSalle has his hand on his phaser, but Kirk tells him to hold off for the moment, and to put it on stun rather than kill. Trelane overhears DeSalle’s name and gleefully asks him if he’s French. DeSalle admits he has some French ancestry, and Trelane promptly rattles off a whole bunch more French, then tells DeSalle that he “admires your Napoleon very much.” DeSalle looks appropriately perplexed about all this.

Kirk introduces the rest of the crew. Trelane gives Sulu an extremely overwrought bow, prompting Sulu to mutter, “Is he for real?”. Then he turns his attentions on Jaeger and starts shouting in German and goose-stepping in a circle. Oof. Jaeger stiffly tells him that he’s a scientist, not a military man, so cut that shit out, but Trelane just says “we’re all military men under the skin.”

He then turns to admire himself in the giant mirror hanging on the wall. Unfortunately said mirror also shows him DeSalle sneaking up on him with a phaser. DeSalle, I’m going to guess that stealth isn’t your strong suit, so here’s a beginner’s tip: don’t try to sneak up on people while they’re standing in front of large reflective surfaces. Trelane promptly turns around and freezes DeSalle in place with a gesture. He doesn’t seem upset about the attempted sneak attack, though, instead taking the phaser from DeSalle before unfreezing him and then gushing over the phaser like a kid with a brand new Nerf gun. It doesn’t take him long to figure out which setting won’t kill and which one will, and he promptly starts shooting it all over the place, destroying Salty—who just can’t catch a break—and another taxidermied monster, while raving about how this awesome gun could kill millions!

At that point Kirk grabs the phaser away from him and says, so what, are we going to be your next targets, is that it? Trelane says that’s just typical of humans, they don’t understand something so they fear it. Really? Really? You were literally just firing a lethal weapon in their direction while talking about how great it would be to kill a lot of people with it. At that point I think we’re in territory where fear is pretty reasonable.

Trelane goes on to “anticipate [Kirk’s] next question,” which he presumes is going to be about how he’s doing all this stuff. He explains that “we—meaning I and others--” yes, thank you, that’s what ‘we’ usually means—he and others have perfected a system by which matter can be transferred to energy and back again. Kirk asks if it’s like their transporter and Trelane sneers that the transporter is just a crude version of their much better and way cooler technology, because unlike the transporter their tech can not only move energy around but change its shape.

But Trelane’s tired of answering all these questions now; he wants his guests to relax and enjoy themselves. Kirk is immediately like “well, I would really enjoy leaving, so bye” and starts herding everyone out of there. This really pisses off Trelane, and, deciding that Kirk needs “another demonstration of my authority,” he vanishes Kirk with a sweep of his hand. Kirk suddenly finds himself somewhere barren and dark, filled with clouds of vapor that have him choking and coughing in seconds. Then, just as suddenly, he’s back in the room. Trelane tells him that that was a sample of what the atmosphere on this planet is like “outside my kindly influence” so he and the rest of them better behave from now on unless they want another taste of that.

After the break, Spock gives another captain’s log for Kirk—specifically a captain’s log this time, and not a ship’s log. I don’t know what the difference is. Maybe Spock just got more ambitious in the interim. Anyway, they’ve orbited the planet fourteen times now and still haven’t found or heard from the missing crew. They also still don’t have communications, but they have gotten their sensors working again by diverting power to them. Oh, huh, that actually worked this time.

Said sensors have located this one tiny little Earth-like spot down there in the midst of all the kill-you-in-minutes stuff. Scotty is, appropriately, extremely confused by how the heck that spot is there, but Spock is not, at the moment, terribly concerned about that; however the spot got there, it’s evidently there now, so we’re gonna work with that. He tells Scotty to fine-tune the sensors to detect any lifeforms that might be down in the oasis and beam them up. Scotty points out that they have no guarantee that any lifeforms down there will be the crew, but Spock counter-points out that if the crew are on the planet, that’s the only possible place they could still be while also still being alive, so they can either see if this works or continue doing nothing.

Meanwhile, Trelane is showing off all his battle flags and going on about how cool armies are while the landing party stands around looking distinctly annoyed. They might have escaped dying in a toxic hellscape, but listening to this guy talk is almost as bad.

Eventually he goes back to the harpsichord, leaving them free to confer. Sulu wonders to Kirk just who exactly Trelane is, anyway. McCoy says the question is more what he is—he did a scan of Trelane and got nothing. No signs of life, no signs of recently deceased life, no signs that anything was there at all. Jaeger also points out that the fire in the fireplace looks like it’s burning but isn’t giving off any heat. Oh my god, he has electric fireplace capability! We’re really in trouble now, lads!

The combination of the faulty fire and the fact that Trelane’s historical knowledge is almost a millennium out of date leads Kirk to the conclusion that Trelane is not omniscient. He’s clearly capable of making mistakes. And if he can make mistakes he has vulnerabilities, and if he has vulnerabilities we can exploit them, and if we can exploit them maybe we can defeat him. It’s a slim chance, but that particular line of logic has served Kirk pretty well in the past.

Trelane interrupts them to say oooh, are they making their little plans? How wonderful! Kirk tries to say that actually they really aren’t, but Trelane waves him aside, saying that he’s not mad at them—on the contrary, he loves this whole martial deception and strategy thing, it’s one of the many things he just admires so much about their species. Welllll, in that case, Kirk says, you must admire our sense of duty, too, right? Our sense of duty that’s making us really need to return to our ship to actually do our jobs?

Nice try, but it doesn’t work—Trelane’s having far too much fun to let them leave now. Kirk asks how long they’re going to have to stay, then, and Trelane says, “Until this is over.” Asked “until WHAT is over” he just brushes the whole thing aside: too many questions, enjoy the moment, etc, etc. Kirk persists that there are four hundred men and women up there on the Enterprise who need their captain and crewmates back. Unfortunately, Trelane fixates on precisely the wrong part of that sentence  and immediately flips out because WOMEN?? DID YOU SAY WOMEN??

Oh dear. Yeah. Trelane is absolutely amazed to find out that there are members of the, ahem, fairer sex in the crew, and starts going on about how, “Oh, how charming. And they must be very beautiful. And I shall be so very gallant to them.” Great. He’s one of those guys. What a surprise.

He’s all ready to bring down all the female crewmen here and now, but Kirk has now really had enough and tells him that this game is over. Trelane is all set to throw a big temper tantrum, but McCoy’s communicator suddenly beeps, and he says he’s receiving a transporter signal. I didn’t know that was a thing that the communicators did, but apparently it is.

Well, looks like the party’s over, thanks, as Kirk says, to Mr. Spock. Trelane pitches an absolute fit about how he hasn’t dismissed them yet and he won’t stand for this, but the group is beamed up all the same. Spock comes into the transporter room to meet them, and if he’s at all relieved to see Kirk back after having been mysteriously gone for several hours on a planet with little hope of survival, he, of course, doesn’t show it. Kirk doesn’t offer much explanation, either, sending everyone back to their jobs as soon as they step off the platform, then asking Spock how they were able to pick up the landing party on sensors through all the radiation. Spock says, well, they didn’t—they just scooped up everyone in the vicinity. Which means, as McCoy points out, that Trelane really isn’t any kind of life form as they know it, since he didn’t get beamed up as well.

No time to stand around and think about that one, though—Kirk orders them to hit the gas and get away from this obnoxious planet as quickly as possible. Everyone returns to the bridge, where some random redshirt has the conn (why must Scotty be so often denied his command?). As Kirk takes over, McCoy goes to hang out by Uhura’s station, and she asks him what the heck was going on there. McCoy gets about as far as saying, “Well, there was a--” before giving up entirely, and really, who could blame him.

They’re all set to skedaddle when who should suddenly appear on the bridge but Trelane himself, startling everyone. Well, mostly everyone. Kirk just sees him and immediately looks extremely tired.

Trelane looks around the bridge and asks where the weapons are—don’t they display their weapons? Well, you know, there’s not a lot of empty wall space on the bridge, so what are you gonna do. Anyway, he tells Kirk not to worry, he’s only a bit upset with him. The person he’s really upset with is this Spock fellow who took away his playmates. Trelane wants to know just which one of these people is Spock, and Spock obligingly gives himself up. Sadly, this does not prompt a Spartacus-like scene where everyone else on the bridge starts yelling, “No, I’M Spock!”

This revelation is surprising to Trelane, who scoffs that, “Surely he’s not an officer, he’s not quite human.” Wow. Rude. Spock tells him that indeed he has a Vulcan dad, and Trelane asks if Vulcans are a predatory species. “Not generally,” Spock tells him, “but there have been exceptions,” with an expression that indicates that he might be willing to make one of those exceptions right about now.

Trelane expects Kirk to have Spock appropriately punished, and Kirk says that on the contrary, he commends Spock for his actions. I might have gone with, “Oh, yeah, sure, I’ll punish him. We have to go far away to do that, though...so we can...put him in time out...” but that works too. He then tells Trelane to get off his damn bridge already so they can leave, but Trelane won’t hear of it. They’re all going to come back with him because he has “an enchanting sojourn” planned.

Just like that, they’re all back at Trelane’s place—all of the original landing party plus Spock, Uhura, and a yeoman who was on the bridge. There’s now a large dining table in the middle of the room, which Sulu and DeSalle find themselves seated at. Despite nothing else seeming to have changed, Trelane boasts that “the décor of my drawing room is much more appropriate and tasteful, don’t you think?”

“No,” Sulu cheerfully tells him, because Sulu does not have a single fuck to give this episode.

DeSalle promptly jumps up to have a go at Trelane, which only results in him getting frozen again while Trelane coos over the impressive savagery of humans and all that. Kirk tells him to let DeSalle go, which he does, leaving DeSalle to be quickly grabbed and led away by the much more collected Sulu, admonishing him not to try that shit again.

Well, never mind that display of bad manners, Trelane says—let’s eat! He’s quite anxious for them all to sit down and sample the victuals. The men glance at Kirk and he gives them a nod, so they sit down. No, you fools, don’t eat the food! If a mysterious and powerful entity living in a place that shouldn’t exist offers you food, do not eat the food. That’s how you get trapped in the Otherworld forever!

But Trelane isn’t paying much attention to his dinner guests anymore, because he’s suddenly remembered that there are ladies here and insists on being properly introduced to them. Kirk begrudgingly introduces him first to Uhura, whom Trelane starts fervently admiring in terms that...well, let’s just say it starts with “a Nubian prize” and only gets worse from there. Then he starts in on the yeoman, one Teresa Ross, with ���is this the face that launched a thousand ships” etc, etc, and tries to go for a kiss, but Kirk wearily grabs him by the arm and pulls him back.

He then formally introduces Trelane to Spock, whom Trelane is rather less enthused about. He thinks that Spock’s tone is “challenging” (it’s really not any different from Spock’s normal tone) and asks if Spock is in fact challenging him. Well, since you asked, Spock says, “I object to you. I object to intellect without discipline. I object to power without constructive purpose.” Kirk listens to this little speech with an expression I can only describe as “smitten.”

[ID: Kirk listening and smiling as Spock, offscreen, says, “I object to power without constructive purpose.”]

Trelane comments that Spock does have “one saving grace after all. You’re ill-mannered. The human half of you, no doubt.” Gee, thanks.

He then goes back to bothering the women, asking—well, ‘asking’--Ross to dance with him while Uhura plays them some music. Uhura protests that she doesn’t know how to play a harpsichord, but Trelane says that of course she does, makes a sound effect happen, and suddenly Uhura starts playing with a surprised look on her face. Personally I would freak right the fuck out if someone just up and inserted an entire skill into my head, but she seems pretty chill with it. The poor yeoman, who most surely did not expect her day to wind up going this way when she woke up that morning, gets swept into a dance with Trelane.

I’m not quite sure how to take Trelane’s attitudes here. His information about humans is very dated, so it makes sense that his outlook towards women and black people (and Japanese people and German people, for that matter) would be likewise dated. It’s not a thing that the episode really calls out, though; at most there’s some exasperated eyerolls and polite befuddlement. Now, I don’t mean to come over all “if a work of fiction doesn’t explicitly and firmly condemn bad behavior that means it supports it!!” but it’s a little trickier when you’re dealing with a work that doesn’t necessarily have a great track record with those things to begin with. When you’ve got a show that’s unironically said some rather discriminatory stuff, it makes it more difficult to tell where the line is between that and a character who’s intentionally been written to be offensive in a way that we’re not supposed to approve of. I mean, some of Trelane’s behavior is quite obviously supposed to be outdated, especially what he says about Uhura; it might be more uncomfortable today but I’m sure it was always intended to be uncomfortable to some degree. But a few of the things he says aren’t real dissimilar from things that get said quite seriously throughout the show, so it’s, y’know, kinda weird.

While Trelane is distracted, McCoy and Sulu get up from the table to come talk to Kirk. Sulu wants to know how long they’re gonna be putting up with all this, and Kirk says they’ll have to put up with it until they can think their way out. In the meantime, they’ll just have to go along with Trelane’s hospitality—such as it is. Speaking of that hospitality, McCoy’s noticed a distinct flaw in it: all of Trelane’s dinner, as nice as it looks, is completely and utterly tasteless.

[ID: McCoy, Spock, Kirk and Sulu gathered in front of the large, ornate fireplace. McCoy, holding a glass of brandy, is saying, “Well, you should taste this food.”]

“And this brandy just tastes like apple juice! What’s up with that.”

Spock comments that actually, this makes sense; the flavorless food and drink indicates that Trelane “knows all of the Earth forms but none of the substance.” In other words, he may have observed what their food looks like, but has no idea at all what it should taste like. Kirk points out that this means Trelane isn’t infallible. I thought we already had that conversation, but okay. He also thinks that Trelane must have some kind of device or machine that’s helping him do all this.

Meanwhile, Trelane and Ross are still dancing, which Ross, understandably, does not look super happy about. He stops and says that her dress “hardly matches this charming scene,” and magics her into a fancy new pink one. She doesn’t look super happy about that, either, and really, who would be? The idea of someone being able to just instantly change you into whatever clothes they want you to be wearing is disturbing enough on its own even without all the other stuff Trelane seems able to do.

Trelane then pauses to preen in the big mirror on the wall, and Kirk notes that Trelane seems to have a thing about that mirror and never gets very far away from it. He figures this is just because of Trelane’s enormous ego, but Spock thinks there may be something more to it. Is there something special about that mirror, maybe? The two of them talk about what kind of machine Trelane could have that could do all this. Spock says it would have to be extremely sophisticated. “Like a computer,” Kirk says, “only much more.” ...Sure.

Kirk then asks if the device that’s keeping this whole area in livable conditions could be inside the house. Spock doesn’t think so because anything that could do that would surely be too big to fit in there. Kirk’s glad that Spock agrees on that one because it leaves him free to act. “If I’m not mistaken,” he says, “I think I can turn his lights off at the source.”

He then turns and starts loudly dissing Trelane, talking about how his actions are “those of an immature, unbalanced mind.” Trelane, hearing this, stops dancing and starts getting upset, but Kirk says he’s only just getting started. He wants Trelane to leave his crew alone, then pulls Ross away from Trelane and says that she’s not to dance with him or accept his gifts because Kirk doesn’t like it. Trelane is excited about this apparent display of jealousy, which, like ‘savagery’ and ‘killing things’ he seems to regard as an admirable trait. When Kirk says that he’s “had enough of [Trelane’s] insulting attentions to [Ross]” Trelane responds, “Of course you have. After all, that’s the root of the matter, isn’t it? You fight for the attention, the admiration, the possession of women!” Oh geez.

If Trelane wants a fight, Kirk says, then he can have it, and then he smacks Trelane across the face with Ross’s glove. Trelane gleefully asks if Kirk is challenging him to a duel. “If you have the courage,” Kirk tells him.

Oh boy, a duel? An actual duel? Trelane, practically beside himself with excitement, runs over and grabs a box from the mantelpiece. Inside it are a couple of pistols. “A matched set,” he says, “just like the pair that slew your Alexander Hamilton.” (Insert your own Hamilton joke here.) He then informs Kirk that “Captain...I never miss.” Kirk looks rather rattled, as if he wasn’t expecting to have to fight with guns, geez, how primitive, although I really don’t know what he would have thought they were going to duel with.

(Given that Hamilton died in 1804, and that dueling was falling out of favor in England by the 1840s and in America by the 1850, where it pretty much died off (even in the South, where it was way more popular) after the Civil War, we can estimate that the time period Trelane’s been looking at is roughly the first half of the nineteenth century. (Maybe someone with better historical knowledge than me could narrow it down more—or maybe not, I kind of doubt they were meticulously accurate with their period references here.) The earlier comments about this being nine hundred years out of date would therefore place the show in the twenty-seventh century, four centuries later than what they would eventually settle on. The best Watsonian explanation I can come up with for this is that they overestimated just how much of a delay Trelane’s information was on, and that Jaeger, being a geophysicist and not a historian, didn’t realize that his whole get-up was five hundred years out of date instead of nine hundred. A bit weak, but it’s better than “we forgot what century we were in,” which is the only other thing I can think of.)

After the break, Kirk narrates a “delayed log” (presumably meaning he made it after all this was over, although it’s still in the present tense so who knows) about how they’re all prisoners of Trelane and are weaponless and powerless--’cept for this gun—and the only way out is to play his games. Kirk has chosen this game, and now everything depends upon him and this ancient dueling pistol. Man, I bet Sulu’s feeling jealous right now.

They get into position and Trelane, still all giddy about getting to fight a real human duel, says that as the one challenged, he gets the first shot. Kirk is like, “...no? You don’t? That’s not how this works?” Not that they’re really following any dueling rules at the moment, but that one’s going a bit too far. This is like when my brother used to insist on setting up both sides whenever we played Battleship together. Trelane immediately starts throwing a fit and says that it’s his game and his rules, and if Kirk doesn’t like it, he could be persuaded...as he points the pistol at Spock. Okay, okay, Kirk says, you go first, geez.

So Kirk stands there, waiting, as Trelane prepares to fire. There’s a long, tense pause...dramatic music...and then Trelane fires harmlessly into the air (well, harmlessly in this instance. Please don’t fire guns straight into the air above you in real life) a move known in dueling as deloping. It can be done as an attempt to avoid actually killing anyone should you get dragged into a duel you don’t want to be in, but it can also be taken as an insult, implying that your opponent isn’t even worth shooting. I couldn’t find any examples of it being done by godlike beings toying with their victims, though, so I don’t know what the regulations on that one are.

[ID: Kirk, standing the foreground with his back to the camera, facing off against a grinning Trelane, who has just fired his gun into the air with a puff of smoke.]

“YOU’RE NOT WORTH THE POWDER!” 

Trelane grins and says his fate is now in Kirk’s hands, and hold his arms out all ready to be shot. Well, that looks far too easy. Kirk evidently thinks so as well, because instead of shooting Trelane, he shoots the mirror. Unusually for mirrors, it promptly explodes. Not sure how that’s covered under the whole “break a mirror and get seven years of bad luck” rule.

The lights in the house start flickering on and off—yes, that includes the candles and fireplace—while electricity sparks from the broken mirror, which sure enough, appears to have some kind of machine behind it.

[ID: The remains of a large mirror in a gilded frame, now completely shattered, with most of the glass gone and complex machinery visible underneath.]

As Trelane starts yelling about how Kirk’s ruined everything, DeSalle says the subspace interference is clearing, and Kirk tells him to try contacting the ship. Trelane says that they’d better go back to the ship and prepare for their fates because they’ve earned his wrath and they’re “all dead men, you especially, captain.” Then he disappears.

Well, that’s a bit odd, but never mind that right now—let’s get out of here. Again. Hopefully it’ll stick this time. They’re all beamed up, and everyone heads to the bridge, where Kirk tells Sulu to GTFO. Then he takes a moment to look over a PADD someone’s handed him, because a captain’s life is never free of paperwork, even while fleeing from godlike beings throwing a temper tantrum.

Uhura asks if she should make a full report on all this to Spacefleet Command (goddammit, Gene, could you just pick a name for Starfleet and stick with it) but Kirk says not yet. He wants to wait until they’re out of range before sending out any kind of signal that could potentially be picked up by Trelane. Spock asks if they even know what Trelane’s range is, and Kirk admits they don’t, but he’s going to make an educated guess that it’s about where they first came into this solar system. Are they in a solar system? I thought they just found this one planet out in the middle of nowhere.

Yeoman Ross, still in the dress Trelane magicked her into, takes the PADD from Kirk and asks if she can go change. He smiles and says, “Yes, I think you might.” He doesn’t say, “Sorry I had to yell some nineteenth century views about women at you to provoke a creepy dude into dueling with me,” but there doesn’t seem to be any residual awkwardness between them, so I guess she’s fine with it.

They’re about to go into warp, when suddenly there’s a planet in front of them—so suddenly, Sulu only just barely avoids crashing into it. Sure enough, it’s that damn Gothos again. All their instruments show they’re on course, but as soon as Sulu tries to leave, it shows up in front of them again. And again, with them barely avoiding a crash each time. Even after pulling away from it the last time, Sulu says they’re still accelerating...or maybe the planet is still accelerating towards them (what, do you not have a speedometer on the helm anywhere?). It seems that Trelane isn’t about to let them escape that easily.

Kirk’s had enough of this shit. He tells Sulu to decelerate into orbit, and orders the transporter room prepared—he’s going to go down and talk to Trelane until he lets the Enterprise go. If they haven’t heard from him in an hour, he tells Spock, they’re to leave as quickly as they can. Which, I mean, they can’t leave at all right now, so who knows whether that order will be any use. McCoy, predictably, objects to this plan, and Kirk, predictably, ignores him.

So Kirk leaves the bridge, but before he can even make it to the transporter, he suddenly finds himself in a dark courtroom where Trelane sits high above him, judge’s wig and everything. He tells Kirk, “The prisoner may approach the bench. Any demonstrations shall weigh against you with the court, and this time my instrumentality is unbreakable.” Then the shadow of a noose appears behind Kirk. Well. That got dark.

Trelane then reads out a list of charges: “The high crime of treason against a superior authority, conspiracy and the attempt to foment insurrection.” Kinda surprised he didn’t add “and being a big mean jerkface” on there. He asks Kirk how he pleads, and Kirk says he’s not here to plead anything; he’s here to get his ship back. Trelane only bangs his gavel angrily at this, so Kirk tells him to take all his anger out on him, since he was the one who lead the others and destroyed the machine. He’ll admit to the charges, fine, anything, if Trelane will just let the Enterprise go.

When Trelane still doesn’t seem swayed by this, Kirk marches right up to the bench and tells him that they’re living beings, not Trelane’s playthings. At that point Trelane really flips out and yells that this trial is over, Kirk is guilty on all counts, and “in accordance with your own laws” he’s going to hang from the neck until dead. Which is obviously anachronistic nonsense. You only get the death penalty for going to Talos 4 these days.

After the break, Spock gives a captain’s log saying the hour is almost up and there’s still no word from Kirk, so as per his instructions they’ll have to leave soon. Wait, the hour is almost up? Like five minutes have passed since he went down there. Was there like fifty-five minutes of Trelane shouting that we skipped? I mean, not that I would complain about skipping that.

Down in the courtroom, Trelane throws off his wig and robe and cheerfully says that wow, he experienced actual rage—which he didn’t even think was possible! This whole experiment has been a success! Oh, are you still angry, Kirk? What’s that about?

If Kirk had any hope that this sudden shift in mood might prompt Trelane to call off the hanging, no such luck—he’s fully intending to carry it out, and asks Kirk if he has any last requests.

[ID: Kirk standing in a dark room with his hands on a wooden railing in front of him, glancing back at the shadow of a noose on the wall behind him.]

“Uh...I commend my soul to any god that can find it.”

Trelane wants Kirk to get on with it and put his head in the noose, to which Kirk is naturally like, “I’m not putting my head through that thing get out of here.” But Trelane informs him that he has no choice, and the noose starts moving over to him of its own accord, while Trelane laments that this is all so easy it’s tiresome.

Before things can segue into a Punch and Judy sketch, Kirk says that that’s Trelane’s trouble: he doesn’t think and he misses opportunities, like the experience of being angry right now, which he could never have accomplished without Kirk because he’s a bumbling, inept fool. Wow, don’t hold back, Kirk. Tell us how you really feel.

Kirk says that Trelane could just hang him, if he wants to be boring like that, but there’s no sport in it. There’s an opportunity here for a new experience: “the terror of murder, the suspense, the fun.” This intrigues Trelane, and he asks what alternative Kirk has in mind. “A personal conflict between us,” Kirk says. “Not like the duel before, but the real thing. The stakes? A human life, mine.”

This gets Trelane really pumped, and he starts waving a sword around excitedly. Kirk tells him that that’s the idea, but it’s still not enough sport to just kill him with a sword. So Trelane thinks for a moment and then decides on “a hunt, a royal hunt, predator against predator.” Kirk will go hide in the forest outside, and Trelane will hunt him down. Lovely.

Now he’s talking, Kirk says—but if Trelane is going to make it worth Kirk’s while, he’ll have to up the stakes. If Trelane agrees to free the Enterprise, Kirk will give him a contest he’ll remember. Trelane huffs about how Kirk just can’t shut up about that dang ship of his, but he agrees. Then he magics Kirk outside and tells him to go hide.

Kirk wants to notify the Enterprise before the game starts, and Trelane’s disembodied voice tells him, “At your convenience.” So Kirk pulls out his communicator, but only gets static. He tries anyway, telling them to get the ship out of there while he buys them some time, but he’s barely even finished speaking when Trelane appears and starts attacking him with the sword. Man, that’s not convenient at all.

The two of them tussle a bit, and then Kirk runs off into the woods. He gets some headway, but stops to try to contact the ship again, and Trelane catches up to him. So off Kirk runs, with Trelane running after him and telling him he’s got to try harder because this is too easy.

Kirk runs through a clearing, and a moment later Trelane runs through it after him. As he stops to look for Kirk, Kirk suddenly comes in swinging on a nearby branch and kicks Trelane hard in the chest, causing him to go flying and drop his sword. Kirk grabs the sword and swings it at Trelane—but Trelane vanishes, leaving the sword to pass harmlessly through thin air. Then he reappears, crowing, “Touche, Captain, touche! You scored first! But after all, I never played this game before!”

It’s not looking like Kirk has much of a chance if Trelane’s gonna cheat like that, but he’s not giving up yet. He throws the sword away, only for Trelane to magic it back into his hand and start attacking Kirk with it. They circle around a nearby tree, Kirk fending off the sword with a branch, but eventually the branch breaks against the sword and Kirk has to run.

He makes it back to the house and tries to get in through the front door, but it won’t open, so in desperation all he can do is try to call the ship again. Trelane comes running up and Kirk turns to try to escape, but iron fences appear first on one side, then the next, leaving him cornered. He reminds Trelane that he promised to let the Enterprise go, but Trelane says that no, this game is so fun he’s gotta bring everyone else back to come play it too. Four hundred people to chase through the woods one by one. How many of them would die before he finally got bored?

Trelane orders Kirk to kneel, but Kirk tells him he still hasn’t won, and refuses to back down despite Trelane’s repeated demands. After all, he’s got nothing to lose now, and anyway he’s far too tired and pissed off now to be afraid. So he grabs Trelane’s sword and breaks it over his knee--geez, cheap sword—throws it away, and then smacks Trelane across the face a couple of times for good measure. Trelane rages that Kirk cheated and didn’t play the game right, and Trelane’s gonna show him—when suddenly a female voice firmly calls his name.

Two spots of glowy green mist have appeared above the ground nearby. Trelane runs over to them and protests that they said he could have this planet for his very own. Another voice, this one male, tells him that all this has gone far enough. “But you always stop me when I’m having fun!” Trelane whines, but the orbs tell him that he’s been disobedient and cruel and it’s time to come in now.

Trelane says that he doesn’t wanna come in, and he’s not gonna, cause he’s a general and he doesn’t have to listen to them. Dad Orb tells him that’s enough. Trelane insists he hasn’t done anything wrong and besides, he hasn’t studied finishing his predators yet. But this isn’t hardly studying anything, the orbs tell him; if he can’t take proper care of his pets he can’t have them at all. Anyway, he can’t go around treating them this way because “they’re beings, they have spirit, they’re superior.” He’ll understand when he grows up. Trelane pouts that he never gets to have any fun, and Dad Orb tells him to cut that out or he’ll have his planet-making privileges revoked.

“But I was winning,” Trelane protests, “I would’ve won, I would’ve...” He repeats it petulantly over and over as he slowly fades away.

The orbs then address Kirk, who has been watching all this with a sort of “you know what, this might as well happen” expression. They apologize and say it’s their fault for indulging their child too much, and they would have stopped this all much earlier if they’d realized how vulnerable the humans were. They’ll maintain the life-supporting conditions on the planet while he gets back to the ship, and then with another apology, they vanish.

Kirk stands there for a moment looking extremely tired before trying to call the ship. This time Spock finally answers, and Kirk tells him they’re free to go so beam him up already and let’s leave this dumb planet behind.

This does leave open the question of what that whole business with the machine was about. For all the focus there was on it, and Trelane’s angry reaction to Kirk destroying it, he doesn’t really show any reduction in his abilities after it’s taken out, and Trelane’s parents didn’t seem to be using any such thing when they showed up. So what did Trelane need it for, really? How many of his powers came from the machine as opposed to being inherent to his kind, whatever that is? Whatever the answer, we’re never gonna find out.

Some time later, the Enterprise is finally approaching Colony Beta Six, and as Kirk sits on the bridge Spock comes up to him and says he’s wondering how they’re going to classify Trelane for the record. “Pure mentality? Force of intellect? Embodied energy? Super being?” Are those preexisting classifications? If so, I’m really curious what the exact definition of “super being” is.

Kirk suggests ‘God of War’ which, as Spock points out, is not very helpful. “Then a small boy,” Kirk says, “and a very naughty one at that.” Spock notes that that’s going to make for a strange entry (though really, it should hardly stand out among all their other entries), and Kirk says that, well, he was a strange small boy. But then, he figures, he was probably just doing his equivalent of typical small boy pranks just like Spock might have done as a kid—dipping little girls’ curls in inkwells and all that. Although given the attitude Trelane had towards his ‘pets,’ he seems more like the kind of kid that would pull wings off flies or fry ants.

Spock looks half scandalized and half confused, understandably so since dipping little girls’ curls in inkwells as a prank was anachronistic enough in the 1960s, let alone in the 2300s. Or the 2700s. Whatever century we’re in. Kirk apologizes and says that he should have known better, and Spock gives him an “uh, yeah” eyebrow, and the episode ends.

As you might well have noticed, this plot of this episode bears a striking resemblance to that of Charlie X: the crew are at the mercy of a young person with incredible powers and no real understanding of life outside their own, who they ultimately only escape from because a guardian with even greater powers comes to collect them. In both cases the protagonists, for all their ingenuity and bravery, wind up unable to really do anything except stall for time. Trelane’s fading cry of “I would’ve won, I would’ve...” even echoes Charlie’s last cry of wanting to “stay...stay...stay...”

The difference, of course, is all in the tone; Charlie X is more or less a horror story, while The Squire of Gothos is much more comedic. Trelane presumably had the capability to do things just as horrific as Charlie did, but even at his most threatening his antics are obnoxious rather than terrifying, and no one takes him seriously, even when literally being held at swordpoint by him. The idea of a race of beings so powerful that even their children could treat us as little more than interesting toys could very easily be played as a full-on cosmic horror story, but by invoking highly recognizable human behaviors so closely—Trelane whining that he never gets to do anything fun, and being sternly told to stop playing and come inside, etc—it becomes funny and whimsical rather than threatening. It’s an interesting example, I think, of how much just changing the tone can alter a story.

Trek Trope Tally: We’ve got another case of Godlike Beings, with Trelane and his mysterious parents. Next time, Kirk’s gonna make like Steve Irwin and wrestle a giant reptile in Arena.

[majorxmaggiexboy]

ngl i just feel like we as a society need to be jumping more just. boinging off the walls. doing little hoppy hops. bouncing, even.  jumpin over little things. taking some leaps. fulfilling that jomping quota of pressing A like the lord intended..

[majorxsportyxboy]

how clean is Sporty’s airship that he wants ice that’s boinged off every wall and the floor in his water that he’s drinking

when do we get to see him power mopping the airship

[starmansymphony-moved]

i have this smrpg headcanon that mack's "true" body is the knife he rides, but he had too much energy and just boinged all over the place and caused several damages to the factory because he kept richochetting off the walls. The red dude was made as a filter for mack's extreme emotions and acts as his "normal" body because it allows much more dexterity.

bonus: mack can get off his knife but only if he wants to be a little bitch (it bounces all over the place. not the extent of pre-filter mack, but enough to cause at least one hole in a wall)

[arkvark2]

Any opportunity for Misha/Cas to leave that stupid handprint on Dean’s left shoulder that they had to blatantly ignore laws of physics. Literally after an hour after the episode aired there were dozens of memes of Dean getting thrown to the right, boinging off a wall offscreen, and landing on his left back on screen.

Still the biggest mystery in Supernatural is from the terrible despair ep and why Dean was thrown to the right by Misha (c'mon he was misha in that scene Cass had left the club this was mishas chance to push his agenda) and when Dean landed he was shown landing on the left 😂💀So freaking bad I don't think they were even in the same room when they filmed it. That whole scene and the puppet fight are the worst ever on the show I wish I could erase them from my collection 😩

[sir-sammich]

Really fucking weird dream

First started out in like, being with someone in a place to drop someone off, in like, to get interrogated/judged/murdered.  The setting reminds me of an old church we went to over in Goodyear or the office suite that was rented out by my Dad’s workplace.  White walls, hallways, isolated.  The backroom area kind of deal, you know, where you got access to a sink by that sink is barebones and shitty.

  We drop some guy off in a room to the left, idk if I interpreted the guy that’s waiting inside as Jesus or not.  It looks rather bloody inside the room, but not as bloody as the room next door, which has severed heads in it.  

I guess my brain plays it off as a joke cause I see bits of ~SPAGHETTI~ NEAR a head.  The blood which seems to be acting like waves of the sea come closer so I kinda just close the door to fix it.  I mention how I smell the “sauce” from the room and how that kinda translates to smelling the actual loads of blood from that room.

Anyway, now it’s our turn to go in the room, I don’t feel nervous about it, it’s not like I’m going in there to die or in any way feel like I’m gonna get betrayed. No sign of that other guy though.  There’s plenty of blood on the walls and severed heads in this room for intimidation, but I don’t recognize any of them. 

Then it does a weird shift and the host of the room becomes my cousin.  He’s like, “here let’s watch this horror thing I got from the library” which is also established what the other guy that entered before saw.  I dunno, maybe he watched it and couldn’t handle it so he died or some shit.  There’s some point where it was said I need to look closely at something and I’m just “I don’t trust like that” I’m smart enough to avoid stupid jumpscares.  They never come though.

It’s like a documentary of snuff films or something.  Recordings of people acting dangerously on dares, like running around on people’s roofs naked (but censored, unlike the dead people), or people getting murdered.  And then also some people committing suicide, but the goddamn weirdest thing with that part is when that comes up, it plays like some kind of fucking AFV show.

Like the host of the show goes “these three kids just jump off a roof!” and they leap, back first and it plays silly boinging noises as they hit the ground.  It’s like recorded from a distance so I don’t see anything gross.  One bounces in a weird video game way, guess he survived somehow but not well.

The whole thing is played on an old small TV, and a weird powerbrick connected to some VHS that looks like that one gamecube/DVD combo device.  Aside from the gamecube, the setting of the room now feels like brown walls and green carpet.  It kinda reminds me of really old days back when I lived in a mobilehome when I was like, 2.  

My cousin is unphased by the movie and so am I honestly, but I’m still taken aback by how like, just a collection of snuff and other bad shit is just on here and passing it as a horror movie from the library.

The whole dream fades away at that point and changes entirely.  Like a coversong for Mr. Grinch, and my brain thinks that there was a Flintstones Christmas special with this song or something.