#BEFORE THAT WE HADNT TALKED FOR OVER HALF A YEAR BECAUSE YOU SAID ACE PEOPLE JUST HADNT MET THE RIGHT PERSON

[t4tstarvingdog]

stop thissss stop it please god

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

audio commentary of potd pt 1:

the bullet train bit at the start initially was the idea for a new years episode but they couldnt get like the sets in time so they had to rethink. the scene we see in potd was basically like the climax of that would-have-been episode

jodie: the really handy thing about these is that the masks steamed up within seconds of putting them on. fgkjhgkjgh

it's the first time mandip is seeing the episode this is like a month before they aired it? chris asks if it's like she imagined and shes like no it's way quicker (thatd be because they cut out hALF THE LINES no im kidding im kidding fghkjhh)

this episode wasnt even gonna exist? they were gonna do six episodes of flux and two specials and then when they'd just started filming flux (start of 2021?) they got asked to do another one for the centennary/to give the next team a bit more time

calling up sophie and janet to ask them to come back they both said like "i think tegan would be big friends with ace" "i think ace would be massive friends with tegan" like separately <3

about ace's costume: mandip: we both had doc martens on! so, yaz is cool, as well jodie: (just making it about you.) (youre not in this scene this isnt about you)

jodie stole the little ashad from timeless children

jodie asks if chris had ever any ideas to kill of any of the companions and he says no but both john bishop and bradley walsh asked if they could be killed off?? and he was like no guys this is about yaz and the doctor

"this lovely street in wales that is not liverpool" <3

during that reunion scene with ace and tegan, chris talks about how in 70s 80s doctor who and unit and how he hadnt really realised while doing it that what theyve ended up with here is that like every leading character in unit is a woman now? he talks about how like the doctor becomes a woman and you can then sort of see the full effect of that in the reunion scene here where it's just like all women

jodie about the reunion scene: i always wanted to react as 13, but then only in this episode i was met with people who had interacted with other doctors. so do you try and react in a way appropriate for them and their doctor? but i always wanted to do 13. it was always a bit complicated especially later on with the ai.

chris asked who were their favourite guest stars to work with and the entire conversation derails into just listing everyone and saying how much fun they had

jodie obviously has seen the full episode before this and she keeps teasing mandip abt it like going "oh we talked over half that scene now you have no any idea of whats going on" and then at the scene where the master talks to ace and tegan from the unit jail she slaps her like "watch this watch this watch this this is a good bit watch this!" and they watch a bit in silence and then chris goes "you just shushed her in a commentary to go 'watch this this is a really good bit'" it's specifically the bit where ashad grows and all the cybermen come out and mandip goes "oh that is good" and then she goes "you know like those russian dolls you get where they all fit inside each other" and jodie goes "thats what it is" and chris goes "thats the plot" im looosing it

jodie slapping mandip again about the rasputin scene "watch this" they watch a bit of the scene and then chris giggles and mandip goes "whens his bit coming on" chris: youre just pointing at the screen, jodie. it's at the end of the scene jodie: oh. chris: hes explaining the plot jodie: oh hes explaining the plot chris: and then hes gonna play the music thats how it works

[epaily]

dont read this im not 15 anymore i shouldnt be doing this

my fucking god the guy i like makes me want to tear my hair out. we hung out on saturday n the feelings are reciprocated so we cuddled and kissed alot. aloooooooot and i was over the moon with that but i swear every 10 fucking minutes he was asking to touch my boobs. im not exagerating. he kept saying he wouldnt do anything i dont want to do and im sure he wouldnt hurt me anyway but dude still. what part of im not interested in that dont you understand

not even just that but a few times he was on top of me and he pinned my wrists above my head which i didnt really want already and ALSO he put a hand on my throat not squeezing but still there and i REALLY didnt want that this is the least of my concerns here. i didnt think he had it in him honestly hes the dorkiest looking motherfucker. i could snap him in half. anyway.

hes so painfully my type i want to scream. he has it all. why did i give him my number why did i let us be friends im ace why does my type have to include having a dirty mind. i hate it here

we couldnt find the tv remote at one point n he reached between my legs and told me to take it out n ive told him to stop making gross jokes where im the focus ive told him im uncomfortable and hes not funny and he doesnt care I KNOW ITS A RED FLAG I KNOW I KNOWWWWWWWWWWW OKAY but every single other fucking thing about him is so fckng endearing. hes gorgeous. hes a genius. he likes anime and spiderman. his laugh lights up a room. when he talks in hindi i cant stop myself from smiling. he bought me pocky. he sleeps on an air mattress. ive never seen him in anything other then a turtle neck. he likes fruity smelling soaps and candles, its the only luxury he allows himself. he has the coolest fucking glasses.

yesterday he asked if we could put a name to this, i couldnt get the right words out and ask him to be my boyfriend properly, half because im easily flustered because I Dont Do This amd half because i dont want him to be. im a coward and i run from my problems so last night after chewing on it for 2 hours i texted him saying basically that i really wanted to date and be official because i like his dumb ass but i also know we arent compatible and its better we stay as friends. which sucks. im a coward and deleted snap immediately after so i havent seen if he said anything. i missed talking to him today. i got used to texting him all day so fast. i miss good morning and good night texts. last time we didnt talk for a day he tried other methods and asked if i was ok n if it was his fault and like it is but it isnt dude its complicated i hate myself i hate myself soooooooooo bad. did i mention this was the day after he saw me kinda cry out of frustration and sadness and he said it was one of the worst things hes ever seen/felt 🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡

he already said that if we dated it wouldnt be forever. he wants to fuck eventually and he wants it to mean something and not be with a hooker (i dont know if ive said this but if i dated someone i'd be fine w them getting a lady for the night LMFAO) which is fine! hes a cishet guy thats his right to want. im just so mad because now we've kissed and we've made out and i remember what cuddles are like and im SO MAD. this is the most ive felt towards anyone in the 3+ years and i cant have it because of my stupid sexuality. i wish i had said no to hanging out. i wish i had self restraint. i wish i hadnt hugged him. if he asks to hang out again im gonna say no. i want to show off my books and coins and wrap ourselves in blankets hes so fucking warm-

god damnit. God Fucking Damnit im not a teenager anymore.

im not ashamed of being ace or whatever im proud of it I Am Just Me im just a person but god it makes me mad sometimes because ive missed out on people ive wanted before and i will again and to be entirely fucking honest i dont know if i ever will. i dont think its even worth it. the older i get the harder it will be to say im not interested because people will assume im either waiting til marriage or im a prude and it will be more common place because everything is only ever sex sex sex and im tired of it man.

im like 99% sure he told me to stop texting him because he wasjacking it yesterday. ye gods.

tldr im so mad i like him so much and i cant have him.

im going to fucking bed