#BECAUSE THERE’S LITERALLY ONLY ONE ROOM I CAN SIT IN THE ENTIRE DAMN HOUSE 😭😭😭😭

[rainswept]

i’m actually going to crash out

[dietcokedemise]

confessions of a junkorexic

june 2, 2023 | entry #9

TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY! god it feels so good to say that. not only did i manage to complete 10k steps today (for the first time in literal months) but i even went over 10k steps and finished my day with a solid 11,040 steps total! i spent my afternoon at an amusement park today so i can mainly accredit this achievement to that, but a win is a win nonetheless! it honestly didn’t even feel that laboring?? there were times where we’d sit down for a few minutes to take a break and the occasional long line waiting where i would just stand still for an extended period of time, but even then i didn’t feel any real pain. this is a regular experience for most people with an active life i’m sure, but since i’m an overweight hobbit who spends 99% of her free time cooped up in her room hiding from the world this is a pretty big deal for me 😭

i even fasted to! …the reason why i even decided to do an extended fast in the first place was because i binged yesterday and it got bad. i inhaled close to 3k cals yesterday and immediately felt like shit. see i initially planned to do a 24hr fast yesterday because i had overate the day before, but little did i know that that overeating stint would have triggered a full blown binge the next day ☹️ all because my mom wanted me to pick up a pizza for her. of course she offered to get me one as well and i greedily accepted because i’m pathetic and food is my #1 weakness. it’s not my mom’s fault, i could have easily said no and she normally is really good about navigating my food addiction and acknowledges when i’m trying to exercise self control. she was just being nice, as we often do for each other, but i shouldn’t have taken her up on her offer. i should have let her place the order so i wouldn’t have even had the opportunity to pick something up for myself. i could have just walked in, grabbed her order, came home and gave it to her, and scurry back to my room to complete my fast far far away from food. but i didn’t. i walked in, grabbed our order, came home and gave her her pizza, scurried back to my room with my own pizza in tow, and inhaled it like i hadn’t eaten in a YEAR (it had only been 12 hrs since my last meal 👁️). granted it was only one of those personal pan sized pizzas, but it was still over, like, 900 cals!!! in one mini pizza that consisted of four miniature slices!!!!! it was delicious, but definitely not worth what ensued after. i ended up scarfing down a bucket of popcorn, two pb&j sandwiches, a serving of pepperoni slices, a few croutons, bacon bit salad toppings (wtf????), and finished the night off with a big ass plate of chicken nuggets and chick-fil- sauce…and that was only in the span of three hours! i went to sleep feeling heavier than a house made out of bricks.

⚠️ super gross tmi warning ⚠️ what makes it even worse is that i had taken like, three lax tablets and two stool softeners the night before. so not only was i shoveling shit down my throat, but i was simultaneously shoveling shit out of my ass too! (tmi i know 😳 i sincerely apologize that your eyes had to behold that monstrosity of a sentence) not to mention that it was one of the most excruciatingly painful lax experiences i’ve ever even had because i hadn’t taken a shit in damn near an entire week.

fast forward to today as i attempted to right my wrongs by fasting and feverishly walking around an amusement park for hours. the mission was completed…partially. what was supposed to be a 24hr fast ended up just being a 20hr fast after i came home and sat down for a few hours. i didn’t take my appetite suppressant today (did i mention that i take appetite suppressants???) since i figured i’d be out most of the day and i typically don’t get hungry when i’m busy/distracted, but my appetite returned with a vengeance soon after. the fast may not have been as long as i originally intended, but i’m still content nonetheless. the whole 10k steps achievement really softened the blow—not to mention that i broke my fast with a salad and a serving of broccoli too, so i feel pretty good about my decision overall tbh. small steps i suppose.

normal, healthy, and fully functioning human beings don’t have to worry about this kind of stuff, and i envy them. i wish this wasn’t my reality. i wish that i could have a normal, healthy relationship with food. i wish that i didn’t get excited about reaching 10k steps in a day, and that instead it would just be a normal everyday thing. i wish, i wish, i wish…i wish that genies were real 😪

———————————————————————

food log

breakfast

N/A (0 cals)

lunch

N/A (0 cals)

dinner

homemade southwest salad (526 cals)

“loaded” broccoli (190 cals)

water + sugar free drink mix (5 cals)

snack(s)

water + sugar free drink mix (5 cals)

homemade iced matcha latte (120 cals)

two slices of artisan brioche bread (220 cals)

total cal intake

1,066 cals

———————————————————————

daily stats

cw

201 lbs (91.2 kgs) [5/24/23]

bmi

38

steps

11,040

hrs fasted

20

days binge free

1

mood

👣☺️💕🥗🥦