#BC WORK IS SO TAXING I'M STRESSED OUT OF MY MIND

[lunaetis]

[ half my braincell is arle, and the other half is eden. they're so different and they're chaotic in their own ways. i dunno how i'm dealing with them being SO LOUD IN MY HEAD. PLS CALM DOWN. ]

[sugar-omi]

omgggg yes good luck w college!

i'm starting college in the spring bc i was too busy being immensely stressed due to ~life~ and actively avoiding registering for classes bc i didn't want to pile more stress on my plate. of course that resulted in me completely avoiding all college related things to the point i didn't even realize when classes had started and went to register just for like all of them to be full 😭😭😭 i don't mind starting in the spring bc i could honestly use more time to just... not deal with college just yet, but thinking about it still stresses me outttt i feel like im doing college wrong and i didn't even start yet 😭😭😭

thank you!! good luck to you too!!!!

honestly i feel like im always missing something n that if i am missing something, or dont do it fast enough, i'll just get a phone call calling me stupid n then the phone blows up like 😭😭😭

IT'S SO STRESSFUL MAKING SURE YOU HAVE EVERYTHING DONE.... N STAYING ON TOP OF IT BC THEY ALWAYS SUDDENLY NEED SHIT...

but the spring should be fun! i think the spring semesters are pretty short, idk. so it'll be an easy introduction. and if you're taking less classes, it'll be better!

like i'm taking 3, i was gonna take 2 but yknow 3 works fine. my psychology class doesn't start until 9/30 thank god :,)

honestly, just stay on top of your student email and your FAFSA n all that fancy stuff, your personal email etc. and you'll be okay. if they don't say you're missing anything, you're chill! and if you've registered for classes already then just check occasionally to see if the teachers send anything...

honestly just check your email at least once a week it might calm the college demons

dont be like me who didnt check it before i went on vacay n came back to them wanting some verification about my taxes and now you have to wait until you get home (again) because your mom got locked out of her parent account n can't e-sign the fucking document they want :,)

if they ask me for anything else im just going to become a hippie in the woods istg

[found-wings]

I WAS MINDING MY DAMN BUSINESS LISTENING TO ONE OF MY FAV SONGS AND THE BUS OF CODE PHIL RAN INTO ME AND DESTROYED MY LIFE anyway which witch by florence + the machine (best artist ever) oh my god is literally him in the worst way possible the pain the agony (also if u don't want anymore song recs idm^^ ik I've left quite a bit in the askbox but I can slow down if needed :] )

-

And it's my whole heart

Weighed and measured inside

And it's an old scar

Trying to bleach it out

And it's my whole heart

Deemed and delivered a crime

I'm on trial, waiting 'til the beat comes out

I'm on trial, waiting 'til the beat comes out

Who's a heretic now?

Am I making sense?

How can you make it stick?

Waiting 'til the beat comes out

-

this verse radiates energy from the realization he has of his history with the federation combined with them realizing that he's figured them out and need to make quick work of him in order to keep him in line. not only messing with him physically in experiments but also mentally in making sure to break him down and making him look crazy in order to decrease his threat levels towards any future acts they may commit against the people of the island. also the 'deemed and delivered a crime' can also associate with the brief period of certain members of the island learning about phils federation lineage and creating contingency plans behind his back in case he goes rogue to attack them. (of course he does but not willingly ;-;)

-

I'm not beat up by this yet

You can't tell me to regret

Been in the dark since the day we met

Fire, help me to forget

And it's my whole heart

While tried and tested, it's mine

And it's my whole heart

Trying to reach it out

And it's my whole heart

Burned but not buried this time

-

oh this part verrrrry specifically is what made everything click right in my mind for this au- especially when thinking about his friendship with etoiles. when I hear this section, I got reminded of the 'repairs' the federation forces onto phil with every trip, how everytime they continue and continue to crack him more and more and shatter him into pieces but he keeps getting. back. up. no matter what they do to him, at the end it's etoiles who's there to keep reminding him that he is still his own person, at his core he is whole and the federation can't take away who he is for long. everytime the federation fucks him up and tries to make it seem as if nothing had happened with the memory wipes of said experiments, this time,, phil has people alongside him to help him remember who he is. the repetition of 'and it's my whole heart' is so codebreakers in this au with it being phil repeating the mantras etoiles has instilled in his mind that he's still his own person and he is still good despite all the damage the federation not only inflicts on him but attends to inflict onto others. it's very good that many of the island members he surrounds himself with are powerful enough to make sure he isn't hurting others physically. mentally though, seeing a good friend lose himself and have to constantly remind himself of who he is can be taxing on the mind.

-

Chained and shackled, oh

All that gravel, oh

It's a pity, oh

Never to return

But I never learn

It's a pity, oh

(x2)

-

the repeating outro reminds me very specifically of the conditioning training the federation instilled in phils head. acknowledging the metaphorical weights they placed upon him to keep him shackled to them and the island- not only when referring to him unconsciously returning to them in times of enhanced stress and post-acts of rule breaking, but in the clips of his wings that leave him physically immobile when in the world of the skies that he so desperately wants to go back too

AAAAAAAAAAA so many florence songs r him rn it literally inspired me to make a q!phil playlist bc of it and the brain is braininggggggg. also wow with having like 3 song asks shoved in here im really living up to the disc anon name LMAOOOOOO - 💿

Can I just say I am absolutely in love with how you connect lyrics to things and explain them and word everything??? Because HELLO????

ADDING THIS TO THE PLAYLIST POST AS SOON AS I GET DONE WRITING THIS RESPONSE

Honestly the overall song gives me kind of.. angry vibes?? As in connecting it to the code au, it feels like a song that connects to Phils anger towards the Federation that‘s fueled by his close friends, but especially so by Etoiles who has been there for him as much as possible. Repeatingly helping him back up no matter how many times he‘s forced back down to kneel, to submit.

THIS SONG IS SO GOOD WAAAH

[soudeko]

:)

my girlfriend is stressing me out so fucking baddddddd

she got let go from her job in january bc they didn't have enough hours for her, and she found a new job then after not even 3 weeks she literally walked out in the middle of her shift when she fucking KNOWS how much we're struggling right now (and how little i make since i can only work so many hours bc of bad pain) and she still hasn't found a new job!! she's had 2 interviews and has another coming up on friday but oh my fucking god i'm gonna rip my hair out i can't support us on my own i literally can't!!!!! i can't be paying the entirety of rent and all of our other bills :')))) i don't know what to do honestly i feel like i'm drowning. it feels like she doesn't care even tho she says she's trying and is stressed too

i also did our taxes, i had to do hers bc she'll literally just keep putting it off and keep putting it off, and she's NEVER filed her taxes?? even though she's been working for years now but we're common law so it's easier to just do it all together but it was literally like pulling fucking teeth to get her to sign up for the cra and give me her t4s and stuff

i'm also pissed bc i'm sick and need to stay home, so i sent her to the store to get cream for coffee, my bus pass for the month, and some cough medicine and i see on my bank acc that she also bought herself a drink with my money (and didn't get me one lol) and now i have 11 cents left. love that. fucking /s if you can't tell. jesus HECKIN christ almighty

anyway. posting on this blog bc barely anyone will read and i just wanna vent. don't mind me

we'll probably be okay. i dunno. i'm trying out here

bye bye

[bowandcurtsey]

Hi Aine! How are you?? I hope you're doing well♡ Idk if I'm late, but congratulations on having 1.k followers! You deserve it so much after all of the headcanons and one-shots you have done, all of the fluffy headcanons and one-shots never failed to lighten up my day♡ I know you have alot of requests waiting, but can I request the BC boys(captains) finding out that they're actually not having one but two babies? I hope you're doing great and taking care of yourself, I really love you so much, thank you for making smile and laugh♡♡♡

Hello lovely bby, thank you for the love and compliment for my work (｡ﾉω＼｡) Thank you for waiting for me after such a long time.. I'm finally here with your requests! I'm glad that my works cheer you up! <3

Also, since I only take 3 characters, I'll randomly pick 3 captains and if they're not the ones you're asking for, you could send your request in again (๑꧆◡꧆๑)

Also lovely bby, I've done quite a few pregnancy HCs, you can check those out too! :3

Nozel | William | Jack x f! reader

TW: pregnancy, twins, giving birth, mentions of abortion

Nozel Silva

This man was already excited that you were going to be pregnant again. but at the same time he was also a little worried, because he didn't really have a smooth pregnancy for your first.

"Congratulations Captain Silva, it seems to be that Mrs Silva is expecting twins instead of one baby!"

Nozel was dumbfounded. He was overjoyed but he was worried it would be too taxing for your body.

He was a little anxious and made sure you went to all your checks and also spent a fortune on pregnancy things like pregnancy bolster, maternity wear, pregnancy cushion, pregnancy massage, pregnancy spas.. the list goes on.

You were glowing from head to toe with everything your husband has prepared. He also took more time off to take care of you and d/n, your first born.

He ordered maids and servants to accompany you to exercise to strengthen your body, your meals were jammed packed with nutrition that you gained a considerable amount of weight.

You had to stop you husband when you were 5 months into pregnancy.

"Honey, you have to stop being so uptight, stress is not good for the baby, be it from the mom or dad.."

"I'm not stressed honey," you could see the dark eye circles under his eyes. "I'm just... worried for you. What if it's too much for you..? I don't want you to hurt yourself."

He was over protective ever since you were badly injured in a battle years ago, so he did not want to go through the trauma of losing you again.

"I'll be okay with everything you prepared for me, let's take it easy alright?"

You had to really kick your husband back to work to keep his mind off things. Having the nanny by your side was maybe better.

William Vangeance

Man was overjoyed when he heard the news, "instead of 1 mini you, we're having two mini yous! How cute!"

"It could be a mini you~" you reminded him lovingly.

"whatever it is, I hope they're like their mommy, strong and kind." he would kiss your forehead.

He would pamper you with everything, everything you wanted, every craving you had, every mood swings you went through, he would go through it all with you.

When you belly got bigger and bigger, he would use his magic to support you, so it wouldn't be too tough for you.

Would pick you and drop you everywhere you went, or else he would send someone to do so.

Also helps you wear your shoes because you cannot see your feet anymore. You're not allowed to bend to pick up anything in case you fall over.

Helps you scrub your back whenever possible. Of course he does your hair. He already does that when you were just dating.

Encourages you to exercise more for a smoother delivery, he would accompany you as well, without doubt.

He has already thought of their names when you were just 4 months pregnant. But he could not decide until the very moment he saw them.

Would be happy regardless of their gender.

He was slightly worried because it was your first pregnancy and you already had to deal with twins, but he spoke to a lot of professionals and read lots of books to help you as much as possible.

If you had to go through a c sect to be safer, then he would ask you to choose the safer option, even though it would be better to have natural delivery. Your safety is priority in this.

Jack the Ripper

Is the most distressed out of the 3 because he wasn't confident to be a good father. And now? He had to be a good father to TWO kids at once.

He has just started to learn to be a good husband and has barely grabbed the ropes. And hell, he has zero knowledge about pregnancy.

He would put his ego down and attend courses with you. Although he would ask a hell lot of weird questions like "can a pregnant lady eat cherry tomatoes?" or "will bugs affect the baby?"

You know that he was sincere and that he just has innocent but quirky thoughts. That was your Jack.

Listened to lot of horror stories of how tough it is to carry twins and how some mothers die or the babies die and how some mothers go into depression and this captain is scared as hell.

He would really come to you to ask if you wanted to give birth at all. And he would pour out his entire emotions one day, about how he would never know how to take care of the kids if you weren't around.

You had to give him a cuddle session to soothe his anxiety.

"i'll take good care of myself, and let's leave the rest up to god"

He would ask you to sign up for 101 courses.

"Bugs, there's a course on how to do cpr for pregnant ladies, do you think I should attend?"

"Lovebug, there's a swim course for pregnant ladies, should i sign you up?"

"Jack, I already signed for a Yoga one yesterday..."

He would ask if you need so many things even before the baby was born.

"Jack, why do we need the baby walker now?" You would go through his list of order before he placed the orders. "And do we need like 20 milk bottles for 2 babies?"

This poor bug was just trying his best to be a good hubby and dad, just help him out a little. When the kids are born, he would probably have tears in his eyes.

-end-

[ramzawrites]

Hey, so I'm having a really rough time rn (dealing with bs from my friend group, we have to take my really old dog to the vet today bc we found blood in her pee and we're scared that she won't make it this time, I'm struggling with my mental health, I'm just kinda goin thru it rn ig) so I would love a comfort fic with the sbi maybe with the reader as their sibling where the reader is the one that always comforts the fam, but hides their emotions until (1/2, very sorry about splitting it)

(2/2) something happens that makes the reader have a full on breakdown? I'll leave the rest to you, it can be a good or bad ending, headcanons or one shots, anything. You can ignore this request if you want/if it makes you uncomfortable. Please don't feel pressured/guilt tripped to write anything from this, your mental health comes first and I'm sure you're already really busy. Reminder to eat something today if you haven't yet and get a drink of water <3

We are family - Reader and SBI!Brothers

GN

Pairings: none

Characters included: Wilbur, Technoblade, Tommy, (mentioned) Niki, (mentioned) Schlatt

Warnings: n/a

Series: a request <3

Summary: Y/N came back from an errand and surprises their brothers with their weird behavior. Trying to put on their usual smile, trying to hide away their real emotions but their brothers know them better than they inititally suspected. They could immediately tell that something must have happened.

Words count: 2060

Authors Note: I’m so sorry this took so long! I hope you and your dog are doing better! 💙 I wish I could give you more than words of encouragement and that I managed to get faster to this request, I apologize Please make sure to take care of yourself, alright? Take time for yourself to deal with the stress and anxiety! Make sure to stay hydrated and remember to eat! Even if it’s just something small!

Once again I apologize for the long wait, I felt really bad already and then I kinda put it off because I felt bad.

adhd hit hard again and haven’t checked for typos yet, but will get on it as soon as I can o7

On another note if you want to read another comfort fic; I have a small series called “A Painful Reminder” which is more angsty but the 2nd part is more about the comfort, if that is something for you 

Living in the SMP was chaotic, turbulent and at times downright painful.

Most people tended to gravitate to one cause or other people to deal with this. Holding on to something so they don’t get pulled under. Get buried beneath the chaos and the violence.

So having people like Y/N around was like a godsend. They were one of the few people that seemed to be able to withstand the constant waves of misfortune and stand strong. Be the rock to hold onto when everything got too overwhelming.

Wilbur, Technoblade and Tommy loved their sibling for it.

After Wilbur and Tommy got exiled with Y/N out of L’Manberg, they were there and cheered both of their siblings up. Immediately making plans on how to set up a safe home and collecting ideas on how to get back. They were the one who managed to get a message out to Technoblade and asked him to visit them. Maybe help them.

Wilbur often jokingly said that Y/N was the glue that held the family together, to which they would always reply with the warmest of smiles “I’m glad.���

And what he said was true. Whenever the family fell on hard times and they began to drift apart it was Y/N who pulled all of them back. Pulling them back to reality and giving solutions for their problems if needed.

Sitting down with Wilbur when things got to much. Listening to his thoughts and worries, letting his emotion run freely without judgement. While they looked worried for him, their comforting smile never faltered. Offering him solutions to problems if he wanted it, otherwise they gave him the chance to just air his own thoughts out. To be angry with him. Sad with him.

Working with Tommy on his own projects. Listening to his ideas and giving him a different perspective that could improve some things but also respecting it when Tommy wanted to do this his way. And while he liked to brag and pretend that some things didn’t hit him that hard, they were still patiently listening to him as he spoke about his own pain in a more roundabout way. Telling him that he was not alone and making him feel heard.

Talking to Technoblade whenever the voices got too loud or out of hand again. He would just walk over to them and nudge them away, asking them to talk about something, no matter what. He just needed to hear their voice and be able to concentrate on it. Tune out the garbled voices in his head with a familiar sound that calmed him down no matter what. Leaning against them, slowly falling asleep as Y/N told all about how they were happily working on their own farm and what shenanigans they got up to.

Y/N really was like the warm sun on a cold day. Warming them up and protecting them.

Yes, Y/N was strong. So strong that even Technoblade considered them stronger than him. Maybe not physically but mentally and emotionally.

A clanging of metal rung through the cave. Techno was training with Wilbur while Tommy was just watching. Cheering on Techno.

It wasn’t an unusual situation and something Y/N expected to see as they made their way down the staircase. Wilbur in full iron armor and weapon while Techno just fought back with his own iron sword.

“Hey, Y/N! Welcome back!” Wilbur breathed out. Sweat running down the side of his face as he stopped attacking his brother.

The three men looked happily over to their sibling who slowly walked towards them but soon their expressions fell. Something was off about Y/N and it confused the three.

Their smile was as always plastered on their face but it looked strained. Their eyes wide open, trying to look sincere and loving but the glassy look of them gave off a different picture.

“Y/N? You okay?” Tommy asked as he stood up from the ground. Taking a step closer to them which made them in return stop in their tracks.

Y/N was hugging themself, shakily opening up their mouth to answer but nothing came out. It was then when Techno got very aware of how they were shaking in general.

This all seemed so wrong. This shouldn’t be possible. It just didn’t seem to register fully inside their minds.

Wilbur made sure to get rid off his sword and armor as fast as he could, walking over to his sibling, trying to get a better look at them but they just avoided his gaze.

Staring at the ground, slowly shaking their head “It’s- It’s fine. I’m fine.”

“You aren’t. You really aren’t. What happened? Did they find you?” Techno asked, his voice full with worry. A bit of anger hidden as well.

Y/N had their own little farm in order to support Pogtopia. The potatoes from Techno were great but variety is important after all. Though they also had an abundance of wheat they usually tried to smuggle into Manberg for Niki. Trying to help her out as much as possible with her taxes and work.

This time Y/N nodded “They did… It’s fine though. I’m fine. I’m not hurt. It’s all good.”

Wilbur’s frown deepened “Usually when people have to be so adamant about being okay something isn’t alright.”

Tommy nodded, supporting his statement only to whisper to himself “Adamant? What does-“

But Wilbur continued “We are your family, talk to us.”

Y/N licked their chapped lips “I’m-“

The tears finally escaped their eyes and begun streaming down their face. Sobbing they fell down on the ground. Wilbur immediately followed suit, laying his arm around them and pulling them against his chest. His hand flew up to their head and begun going through their hair, trying to calm them down. Humming a soft tune from their childhood.

It was the first time in their lives they saw Y/N break down like that and it was quite frankly shocking.

Unsure what to do with himself Tommy squatted down “Um, uh, what- what happened?”

Techno was still gripping the iron sword in his hand. Pacing up and down. Manberg found them? What the hell did they do to make Y/N break down like that? His own sibling! Whatever it was he would make sure to pay it back a thousand times over.

“Tommy can you grab them some water?” Wilbur laid his chin on top of Y/N’s head, rubbing circles now on their back.

He didn’t even hesitate, jumping up to run towards one of the chests with food items that Y/N had always ready for them. Grabbing a water bottle and running back over. Happy that he could do something else besides staring.

Tommy then pushed the bottle towards Y/N who gratefully took it, putting some space between them and Wilbur as they drank some of the cold liquid which helped them to calm down.

“You ready to tell us what happened?” Techno stopped pacing around. His gaze purely trained on his crying sibling. Anger still rising in him just like the voices.

Screaming things like “Technosib! How dare they hurt them! Protect them! I love Y/N so much! Why would anyone hurt Y/N! They always help us! Let’s help them for a change! Technosib! Let’s go out and fight them! Yeah! Blood for the Blood God and Y/N!”

Y/N’s voice was still wavering and a bit scratchy from their sobbing as they begun speaking “Hey, hey! Techno don’t concentrate on the voices. Listen to me. It’s all good.”

This somehow made Techno angry. He threw the sword away and finally knelt down next to them as well so his face was on the same eye level as theirs “Stop. Please. Stop thinking about us for one second. Stop trying to not make us uncomfortable or worried! Tell us what happened! Please.”

He was basically begging at the last part. All his worry packed into it.

“Yeah, honestly you trying to make sure everything is okay for us makes us even more worried.” It surprised the others a bit that this came from Tommy but he was correct.

Tears fell down their face again “I- I was just delivering more wheat to Niki and someone must have followed me. They followed me back to my farm and- and- they burned my fields down. There were explosions. I- it was just my farm. I did not harm. Just, why does it always have to end like this. Why do all the good things always end like this. Why can’t this place let something be. There is always something.”

The farm was so important to Y/N. It was their little project they put so much sweat, love and work into. It was their home away from home. A place to retreat and enjoy some peace. This obviously was devastating. It was their one thing they had for themself. The one thing that wasn’t there for anyone else but them.

It was also clear that this seemed to be the straw that broke the camel’s back and it broke the three a bit that they only now seemed to notice this. That it took that long and their whole farm being destroyed for the realize this was heartbreaking.

“Who?” Techno urged but Y/N shook their head.

“I don’t know. Everything went so fast and I tried to save as much as I could but- but it’s all gone. It’s all gone.” Their voice jumped up an octave at the end, burying their face against Wilbur’s shoulder again. Silently sobbing.

It should have been impossible but Wilbur’s frown deepened and his expression turned more grim “Don’t worry. We will get back at them. We will get our revenge. They will see firsthand what they did to you, I promise.”

Shocked Y/N looked up, their red and puffy eyes wide open “Wil, that’s not what I- no revenge. There is already too much misery going around I just want this to stop. I just want all of us being able to live in peace.”

Wilbur should have known that Y/N was too good natured for that but he couldn’t help himself. He was just so angry. Angry at Schlatt and Manberg. That they went for him was one thing but to go out of their way to treat Y/N like this? Let’s just say he put it on the list in bold letters with reasonings on why he will get back at the Manberg faction.

“Listen Y/N.” Techno begun, his voice now calm again “Stop it. Just for once think about yourself. Stop thinking about others for once. You are also worthy of the same care you give us. Let us at least help rebuild your farm. You always help us with our projects, let us help you with yours.”

Tommy seemed to lit up at that “That sounds like a good idea! We could build towers around your new farm and make sure no one gets in! We could put down traps and all!”

He really wasn’t sure how to react but that was at least something he could do for them. As the past General’s right hand man, this should be something he can do. If he couldn’t protect his sibling how could he ever hope to get L’Manberg back.

Wilbur seemed to think about it for a bit but agreed “Yeah, how does that sound?” Though the dark glint in his eyes stayed. The cogs in head still running off with his own thoughts.

“You guys would? Since when can you guys build?” a dry laugh escaped them but it was a laugh nonetheless.

Both Tommy and Wilbur looked almost appalled at that claim while Techno just shrugged and nodded. Just looking around Pogtopia was more functioning than good looking after all. Y/N tried to pretty it up a bit but usually something always happened around here.

“Also Y/N, please talk to us more. Don’t bottle everything up. Please. We worry a lot about you and we love you. You always do so much for us, let us do the same.” Wilbur pushed Y/N a bit off of him and looked them deep into their eyes, hoping that this would really hammer in that this was a genuine plea.

As a respone Y/N wiped the tears off their face “I understand. I’ll try to remember that.”

“Don’t try just do it.”

[heartfucksmouth]

can't sleep. I find it hard to get comfortable lately and I'm kind of dreading not being able to lay on my stomach or back bc my hips are so shitty. I'm so glad I already have a body pillow but dang.

moreso, I woke up to pee and then was wide awake because I was thinking of the painful and stressful overtone in the house when it comes to myles mom. I don't want my partner to be in distress like this. and my mom offered for us to go stay with her and maybe we could save to buy a house (i really do not want to get stuck in the housing system as well, esp bc myles wouldnt be able to live with me from what ive read), but that brings its own problems with boundaries and I'm not speaking to my dad (definitively and with no end in sight) but my mom talks to him every day and sees him weekly. so it would be a relief bc we wouldn't have daily beratement and feeling like we (but mainly myles) can't exist and take up space and that im put on a pedastal bc im ~female and all men are disappointments and fuck ups or something, but I'd be inviting other potential chaos and confrontation - unless my mom really truly gets that she needs to keep her relationship with my dad separate. and I'm not her daily sounding board... I need my space. it sucks so much to feel like im stuck in this again, but it's not surprising either.

I also briefly freaked out about how we would file taxes after the baby is born. I don't even file bc of my ssdi income, but having a child might change that. and then we can't get married or I lose my ssdi payments - to get the tax breaks of having a dependent/child... so I'm just like... what is going to happen with that?

the stigma and, essentially political position, of being disabled and pregnant is ever-present in my mind.

also myles mom was like "if it's a girl, ill try to soften" and I'm like lmao but if it's a boy?? you'll continue your legacy of emotional abuse and calling the men in your life retards and making them feel worthless and flawed?? no fucking thank you...

like, fuck parents like these. I can't wait to raise my kid conscientiously and intentionally so they turn out to be a compassionate human with emotional regulation skills.

also, the whole "mother" and gendered stuff isn't usually super present in my mind, but since I'm awake and ruminating, that came up too. I do feel more female and womanly being pregnant, its hard not to, and i dont think i should be ashamed of it bc any femininity i embody tends to be both soft and strong, and i think thats empowering? I chose nonbinary to describe myself bc I really don't care for the binary we have of gender, but I don't think that negates having a more fluid relationship with gender. everyone basically calls me she/her, but I feel very clear on defining myself as nonbinary. I don't usually care how people refer to me, I think it's just too tiresome for me to bother with personally. I know how i feel, and I get that it's confusing for people to understand . I still get caught up trying to explain it, but to me, it's simply an authentic feeling and allowing myself to .. accept where I'm at every day is very self-compassionate. idk if this makes sense, it's almost 2am lol

plus everyone's question is when we find out the gender of the baby lol. me and myles talked about having the main baby clothing color be green bc I hate how clothing colors are gendered. we talked about possibly a gender neutral name, but we'll see. small things like that feel really supportive to me!

I felt some weird guilt or something after sharing the news and ultrasound with more people. everyone is so so happy for us, but . idk I almost felt shame for being happy - or like it's gonna get taken from me etc. I think it's a very vulnerable position bc there is so much attention on me and judgements are always being passed. maybe it's trying to control people's expectations of me or something, and I'm sure it's internalized stuff I still have to work through.

I just want to sleep.

[altheterrible]

I pay about 45% of my paycheck into taxes, or about $205 a week . And yet food stamps and Medicaid are based on pre-tax income, so I don't qualify for food stamps and barely qualify for Medicaid. I'm so thankful I do qualify for Medicaid bc my healthcare costs are astronomical and if I had to buy insulin every month, I couldn't.

My sister takes about another 30% of my paycheck for rent and bills. This amounts to $600 a month, or exactly my 1/3 of rent. So I'm not angry about it, but it still sucks.

Which means out of a $450 paycheck, I'm seeing about $110 in actual money in my bank account a week.

Is it any wonder I'm so bitter about my job? I am basically making $3.40 an hour and yet still coming home so tired that I don't have energy for fun or hobbies. I'm exhausted. And for practically no material gain. I can't save money, I can't afford new clothes even though my old clothes don't fit, and the rising cost of toothpaste is a legitimate concern. These additional burdens I have to bear on top of working a job I hate.

I miss being a pharmacist. I made $8000 a month AFTER taxes, like $8k a month in take home pay, and I came home every day with enough energy to engage in art or music, watch tv, or read. I had 3 or 4 days off a week, depending on the week. I didn't have to worry about rent, bills, food, or healthcare costs. I bought things I needed when I needed them! I brought all my pets to the vet! I got car repairs before the car was literally on fire!

Now I make $1700 a month BEFORE taxes and I'm so tired all the time that all I do is sleep. I'm constantly worried about money, I have no emergency savings, and I only get 2 days off a week to boot.

Like, capitalism is great if you're middle class or higher, but if you're in poverty working a retail job, you're getting fucked in ways rich people do not understand. Rich people like to think that if you work hard, you'll make more money. And poor people are poor because they won't work. If only poor people would work harder, they wouldn't be poor!

Ha! I work longer hours and I have less free time working my "menial" job than I did with my "hard" job. I'm working myself to death, I'm exhausted, stressed, and yet I'm somehow still broke! Despite working more hours in a more physically and mentally demanding position, I'm still broke!

And that's the thing rich people don't understand. They think we're all getting fucked by capitalism to the same extent, we're all slaves to corporations, but working in a shitty job fucks you out of time, energy, and health in a way that "professionals" don't experience. Yeah, as a pharmacist I sold 35 hours of labor a week to my employer, but as a retail worker, I'm giving all my free time, too. My peace of mind. My physical well being. I'm not compensated for these things.

Employers steal from low wage workers in ways they would never expect high wage employees to tolerate. And until high wage employees can admit the huge amount of privilege they have over low wage workers, true labor reform isn't going to happen.

[not-that-blog]

So my future sister in law is home after surgery; which none of us knew bc my brother didn't tell us anything and probably isn't doing well and our family is chaos so I can't blame him.

And tomorrow; my parents have a call with my aunt and a doctor tomorrow (the aunt my father normally refuses to talk to) because my grandfather needs to be moved from assisted living to an actual nursing home. He's been fighting this for a long time and both my father and aunt are relieved his finally having to go to a higher level of care but I don't think anyones looking forward to telling my grandfather that. (This also is not the asshole grandfather, but he's not my family's favourite person by a long shot)

So because I'm already having a mental breakdown; because it's a trauma season and my ptsd is flaring like a mofo… I'm watching YouTube instead of sleeping.

Which also means I'm watching a bunch of home making and Hannah Wittons pregnancy videos and Amiee -can't remember her channel name- but she has pots and eds and is pregnant and I plan on watching her videos, I'm up to date on Jessica's… I should mention here, that I'm not pregnant, but my partner and I were discussing if I can carry the baby because I don't want her to have a baby and have the physical impacts of pregnancy and labor to impact her career, where as an artist it won't necessarily impact mine the same way.

My platonic life partner is an actress and works in aviation; so I'm going to be the stay at home parent, probably with some other platonic partners or support networks because we both agreed that it's best for everyone if we're at least co-parenting between 3-5 people... preferably 3-4 tho.

We're getting late night rambles because I focus on positive future things when I'm stressed and we're not focusing on art career because it's tax season and I'm stressed about it for no reason.

So basically; I'm coping by re-writing my entire life plan for the fourth time this year...

In Jan I started to try to work out everything that was happening with my ex gf.

In Feb I officially ended it with her; I started writing my life similarly to my life plan before that but without her in the picture.

Then I decided I wanted to live alone and have an apartment and be single with just my platonic life partnership which works well for us because we're both aro-ace so we're a wattpad fake dating without romantic attraction in undertones and instead me telling her I still have feelings for my straight ex that I'm trying to suppress and her saying how glad she is that she doesn't experience any of either and me crying in grey/demi aroace.

And now that I've had the meltdown on Mother's Day where I realised that I definitely still want to be a parent and that it's definitely a priority and would be something I'm actually always low key wanting and I didn't mind being pregnant in the past and I'm okay with the idea and reality of my life if I get pregnant again and if I can actually carry to term and what having a bio child means for my body but also for my life and lifestyle.

So now I have to consider housing again and what I want and need there; how much it would financially cost us to have a 2-3 adult home and then how much it would cost with a baby/babies (two of my previous pregnancies were multiples) and what our life could look like with that.

But also; then it leads to potential sperm donors (I actually already have a very specific friend whom I would like to ask… but I'll see where we all end up in a few years). And then also what my partner and I have to consider when we start talking to others about house sharing and co parenting... I actually wouldn't mind co-parenting with one of the people I'm like 'yeah he would be an excellent sperm donor' because it's someone whom I know really well and would absolutely trust with children and co-parenting.

Granted; this future kid is basically guaranteed to be neurodivergent. Like I'm likely to pass on autism and adhd and every potential friend we've talked to about being our donor in the future has also had either or both autism/adhd.

We're using a friend as a sperm donor because it'll be easier to get their medical info long term or as things come up and because it's easier to talk about the experiences and co-parenting agreements or ending parental rights and legal things (we had a friend who previously volunteered and is still a consideration tbh, he doesn't ever want kids, he's been very clear about that, he doesn't feel he has the personality and traits to be the kind of parent he feels kids should have and he'd rather be an uncle to kids. And I admire him for that maturity and also his confidence in me and my partner in our parenting potential).

But also; I want to be pregnant and have a baby as someone with a nervous system disorder and disabilities. So I have to factor not just maternity clothes and normally pregnancy aids; I have to factor in that I may need extra mobility aids and I'll probably need to change my pregnancy pain management because my current pain management is not pregnancy safe (aka; I can't apply peppermint essential oil straight to my skin knowing it's a dreadful idea but fuck it it numbs me just enough or use boiling water baths and the hottest of heat packs).

I have some ideas of how to deal with it (I had an 'Oh god am I pregnant' moment pre-pandemic so I was preparing for a wheelchair pregnancy); so I'm aware of some things that will make that easier.

But I'm also really sulky because the rollator I want is so expensive and I won't have the money for a while... but I'm aware what I'm working towards getting now. Good news tho, I have a wheelchair that currently fits me because I gained weight bc of T and the wheelchair that I got a few years back that was too big actually fits me now 😅.

[vikingfunerals]

hi noah, i'm sorry to have to bug you like this but i just really need someone to vent to rn. basically, i really don't have a reason to feel down but i totally do and i feel like its sapping out my strength, and it's hard because i have a ton of school work to do and i'm getting so stressed. i really don't feel like anythings worth it anymore im just so tired. you don't even have to respond to this i just needed to say it to someone bc it feels like no one's listening

omg you do not have to apologize at all, hun. i am here for you no matter what, you can vent and rant as much as you like. first of all, i’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way :( i know exactly how you feel and i’ve been in this position multiple times before.

i think it’s important to remember that you don’t have to have a reason to feel down. sometimes, your brain just likes messing with you for no apparent reason. in those times, i recommend you do things that put your mind on something else. draw, bake, call a friend, pet your cat. take small steps if you need to; self care isn’t a race. drink some tea, take a shower. that’s enough, as long as it makes you feel just a bit better.

it’s easier said than done, i know, but once you know how to get the sadness out of the way, you can focus on the more taxing things at hand, like schoolwork (which does ! not ! come before your mental health, remember that)

if this is something that is very consistently bothering you, however, i’d really recommend that you talk to someone, whether it’s a parent or a friend or a therapist. i know it feels like no one’s listening to you, but in my experience, there is always someone who cares. ((such as me))

this got a bit lengthy but i really, really, hope some of this helps you. you matter so much to so many people and you don’t deserve to feel like this. remember that you can talk to me at any time, on or off anon. just shoot me a message and i’ll respond