#BAGI YOUR DUMBASS STOP TRYING SO HARD

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anyways cellbit didnt deny when she said he doesnt considers her family <3

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Closure —epilog part—

Butuh waktu yang tidak sebentar bagi Alma untuk mencoba menerima duka dari kenyataan yang telah terjadi. Iya duka, duka karena patah hati. Bukan, bukannya ia tidak bahagia mengenai kabar baik dari sahabatnya. Ia hanya sedang dalam proses menerima dalam tahap griefing. Ia tidak mau munafik, ada sedikit rasa getir dalam hatinya. Alma tidak salah atas apa yang ia rasakan, perasaannya valid. Perasaan jatuh karena pupus harapan.

Alma sadar betul ia berada dalam fase almost acceptance dalam stage of griefing. Ia telah melalui banyak hal sebelumnya; denial, anger, bargaining, depression. Ia sekarang sudah atau setidaknya pulih dari depresi. Sudah muncul rasa merelakan dalam dirinya. Merelakan apa yang telah terjadi dan apa yang akan terjadi. Sebentar lagi, Alma akan bisa menerima semuanya. She will embrace the feeling, certainly.

Selama dalam hidupnya, Alma tentu sudah banyak merasakan asam manisnya kehidupan. Hidup yang nano-nano. Tentu saja ia sudah pernah patah hati sebelum ini. Tapi patah hati di usianya saat ini tentunya menjadi hal baru baginya—bahkan kalau bisa memilih, ia tidak ingin merasakan kegagalan sekarang. Rasanya seperti mimpi yang sudah dibangun, diharapkan, bahkan didoakan hancur berkeping tanpa sisa.

However, the earth keeps rotating, the time keeps running, and life goes on. Life doesn’t care how hard you are struggling and how much you are hurting.

Life doesn’t wait for you to recover, that’s not how it works. All you can do is keep walking, even take a baby steps.

So she did it. She took a baby step at first. A beginning of awakening. Pelan-pelan ia belajar, perlahan ia bangkit. Belajar mengenali emosi dalam dirinya, bahwa apa yang ia rasakan ini nyata, perasaannya valid. Tanpa sadar, Alma mengenali dan menerima semua emosi yang ia rasakan. Alma tidak denial.

For a while, she thought what if she trying to communicate how she feels? What about being honest? She really needs an emotional release. She needs complete the uncompleted feeling inside. Even if the ending isn’t the better one for her, at least she feels less regret. Maybe she needs a closure.

Maka, Alma bertekad untuk memberikan Ben sebuah closure. Sebuah ‘perpisahan’ yang menandakan bahwa ia rela untuk melepas sahabatnya mencapai bahagianya, sekaligus tanda terima kasih dari Alma untuk Ben karena telah menemaninya dan mengajarkan banyak hal selama ini. He radiates positive energy vibes, he is a good man. Ben deserves a gift as a thank you. And at least for Alma, she deserves a peace of mind indeed.

Alma memberi Ben sebuah hadiah dan ada surat di dalamnya.

Hi, Ben my bestie!

How have you been? Thought we haven’t met for a while. Is it a a year ago we meet? Is it the new year ave the last time we catch up, no?

When I’m writing this, I feel perfectly fine. No secret motive, and please just read what I want to say ahead. I’m writing this letter to get my peacefulness mind and just let you know what happen to me. I need to do this.

You’re getting married soon, one of your life goals will come true. Kita mungkin ngga akan pernah ketemu lagi, ngga bisa hanya berdua—not in the café, not in the restaurant food you like, not in our favorite hangout places, not anywhere. We will totally live on our life separately. I thought you deserve to know, it’s the right time to reveal the truth.

Here we go. Ben, do you remember first time we meet and greet to each other? Yeah, it’s been long time ago—eight years ago probably. Lo inget ngga gimana cupunya kita dulu? Masih bayi yang belajar buat merangkak, melangkah, dan transisi dari remaja labil sampai jadi orang yang hampir dewasa—iya, kita saling membersamai masa-masa krusial di quarter life crisis. We grow up together, we are so close with one another.

‘Til that night—the night you admitted that you’ve found someone special in your life. Lo tau ngga Ben apa yang gue rasain waktu itu? I don’t know how to react, honestly. Kabar dari lo tiba-tiba banget and I need time to process them slowly. So I tried to keep a distance from you for a while. Lo sadar ngga? I’m so sorry for that.

Itu bukan salah lo Ben, I was the one who guilty. Gue memutuskan buat mengenali perasaan gue sendiri ke lo. Di sini, gue merasa jahat banget karena gue ngga merasa ikut bahagia dengan berita baik dari lo, padahal gue sahabat baik yang lo percaya. I was wondering, gue ini kenapa sebenernya? And then I reached a stage that I realized something. I had a romantic feeling for you.

Now thinking back, maybe I was stupid. I don’t even know since when this feeling getting deeper. Maybe I should have told you a long time ago, maybe I should have asked you and stop wondering. Mungkin harusnya gue ngga perlu terlalu lama buat bilang: I loved you Ben. I was in love with you, with so much denial and hesitation.

Gue emang orangnya pengecut. Ngga bisa dan ngga mau jujur sama lo—sama diri sendiri juga, because I think it’ll affect our friendship and both of us become awkward toward each other. I think that it’s not right to be in love with your own best friend. So I kept it myself. Gue emang ngga bodoh-bodoh banget, but I’m not really good when it comes to feeling. I am such a dumbass.

Gue selalu bertanya-tanya tentang semua yang terjadi, tentang lo.

“Lo dulu pernah punya romatic feeling juga ngga ke gue?”

“Lo dulu sering gangguin gue malem-malem kenapa?”

“Kenapa gue ngga jujur dan ngasih tau lo tentang perasaan gue?”

“Kenapa lo ngga pernah tanya?”

I had many moments to tell you what I felt, but I didn’t. Berakhir dengan gue berasumsi bahwa memang lo hanya menganggap gue sahabat lo, hanya hubungan platonic yang menurut gue juga ngga mungkin lo bakal jatuh cinta ke gue.

I was really stupid.

Sampai akhirnya gue open up ke sohib gue, she knew about you. Dia bilang kalau romantic feeling itu wajar dan alami. Lo ngga boleh menolak perasaan itu, even itu perasaan ke temen deket lo.

Gue bodoh—dan gue terlambat sadar. Ngga ada yang bisa gue lakukan selain menerima kenyataan yang telah terjadi dan berusaha bahagia.

Gue berusaha bangkit, embrace the feeling inside me. Mencoba merelakan bahwa bahagia lo ada di orang lain. Mengikhlaskan bahwa gue memang hanya bisa sebatas jadi temen deket lo aja.

Ben, once again, I have no intention to interupt your life for doing this thing. I just wanna confess all of my feeling and release many thoughts I’ve been thinking some time back. I wanna live in peace.

I’m so sorry I didn’t love you properly back then. And it’s such a relief that you didn’t end up with me. You deserved a person better than 24 years old Alma Zenecca that didn’t know how to love and treat the one she love appropriately.

Last but not least, gue pengen berterima kasih atas kehadiran lo di hidup gue. You were such a huge learning process for me. I know you’re a good man, you will be a great husband, partner, and father to your future family. You know, I always wish for your happiness and fulfillness. And of course, you will always get my back. Don’t worry about me, it just the matter of time and I’ll recover. I will be back as a tough and independent woman like I always do.

Doakan gue cepet nyusul lo ya, hehe. You rock, Ben. Happy wedding!

Your stupid best friend,

Alma Zenecca.

And I, no, I don’t mind

This is the last time

That I will show my face

One last tender lie and

Then I’m out of this place — This is the Last Time by Keane

June ‘21

Je