#Average person when they have to cook for themselves instead of having a restaurant worker or their partner or family member do it reaction.

[fvckw4d]

My roommate when she was ordering food 3 times a day: hey I know you're disabled and have to cook all your meals, but when are you gonna move heavy boxes out of the way for me? Why didn't you mop the floor? Why are there still dishes in the sink? That's so gross. Yeah I'm just the kind of person who needs to clean dishes immediately after making food, otherwise it bothers me. You know we need to all clean out the fridge and pantry together. Are you going to get this thing I didn't buy for the household when my other roommate moved out? Can you get something at the store for me?

My roommate when she had to cook herself dinner: yeah Im sorry I didn't pick up weed for you like I offered, I didn't even bother going out because I realized I had to choose between cooking and errands. Next week, ok? Also, I piled all my big pots and pans in the sink without rinsing them out, I was just so exhausted. I didn't bring in the trash can either.

[vipclifford]

Fireflies and Make-Believe

masterlist

Nothing was charming about the small town Calum had been exiled to. He didn’t like the small diner his pessimistic uncle Drew ran, the persistent smell of grease driving Calum up the walls. His uncle’s studio apartment sat right above it, a measly twenty-four metres squared room with a tiny bathroom tucked into the corner. The constant buzzing from downstairs since the early hours of the morning was enough to make Calum go insane.

Leaving the two-storey building was the worst mistake Calum had ever made. All the villagers looked at the man with question in their eyes, hushed whispers shared between them as they tried to figure out who he was. Clearly nobody seemed to stop by the town often, which didn’t surprise Calum since there was nothing interesting to do. There were only around three restaurants, including his uncle’s 50s themed diner, but he didn’t want to draw even more attention to himself by sitting alone. He was told there was a movie night each friday in their makeshift cinema, but they only played the scratched DVDs from the public library. Apparently, every so often the townspeople gathered at the square for an event the mayor organised, but his uncle’s words didn’t portray these in the best light. Perhaps because he detested the mayor with a passion, or because they were genuinely bad. Calum thought it might be both.

Drew usually needed a helping hand at the diner so Calum didn’t really have much time to explore the town. His inability to cook predisposed him to become a waiter, the only highlight of his not so voluntary work being the tips he received.

The other highlight was the girl who drank way too much coffee. She was there every morning for breakfast, occasionally popping in during the evening to grab a burger. A book was always in her hands, ranging from Jane Austen novels to Michael Morpurgo. The girl always gave him a cute little smile that he couldn’t help but return when she walked through the door. She was also quite pretty, not that he had noticed.

“That’s Y/N,” said Luke, the friendly waiter at the diner, after he had noticed Calum staring. He immediately snapped his attention back to the black coffee he was pouring into white mugs, pretending he never even realised she was there.

“Who?”

“You know exactly who,” Luke chuckled, wrapping an arm around his coworker’s shoulders. He quickly shrugged it off. “She just graduated from Yale. Journalism, I’m pretty sure. Heard she wanted to spend her last summer here in Hurstford before going off to live life in the city.”

“Good for her,” Calum muttered monotonously, walking over to the stoves to make some pancakes. The blonde followed, amused with his behaviour. He leaned against the wall, watching him struggle on his first pancake before taking over.

“Not that you care, but I heard she pops into Nate’s on Friday nights,” Luke informed the brunette with a wink. Calum rolled his eyes, arms folding over his chest, his reaction making Luke laugh. “It’s a bar on the left side of town. Most people around our age like to go there, including myself, so if you’re into making new friends for the time you’re in Hurstford, I can definitely introduce you to people,” he offered with a small smile. “Or you can chat Y/N up. Your choice mate.”

“I don’t fancy Y/N,” Calum huffed, stacking the pancakes Luke made neatly onto a plate.

“We’ll see after we get a couple drinks in you.”

Drew had pushed him out the doors after his second week secluded in his uncle’s apartment, telling him it was “unnatural for a twenty-three-year-old to lock themselves up all summer” and to “go do whatever young people do at the weekend.” Thousands of things ‘young people did’ flashed through Calum’s mind in an instant, although he knew his uncle meant to go to Nate’s.

Walking down the empty roads was when Calum finally felt bliss. No strangers greeted the man they now recognised as the moody worker at the diner. Sodium lampposts lit the streets in a yellowish glow as though they were trying to replicate sunlight, something he didn’t realise he craved. He missed how peaceful silence was, and just how therapeutic it was to be alone with your thoughts every once in a while. He thought that maybe he would start up running again in the early morning, just before the average person gets out of bed. When the streets were still bare.

The bar was easy to spot when it finally came into view. A small crowd stood outside with drinks and cigarettes in their hands, enjoying the warm weather. The sound of chatter and 90s hits could be heard from twenty metres away. He walked into the premises cautiously, slowly making his way through the room as he searched for a head of golden curls.

“You came!” Luke grinned, appearing suddenly behind Calum. The two men chuckled after Calum visibly jumped, not expecting Luke to be behind him. It was strange to see the blonde out of his work clothes and dressed up, the usual off white apron with stains all over replaced by a bright red shirt. It suited him. Luke wrapped an arm around his shoulders, dragging Calum towards a table at the back of the bar. Four pairs of eyes snapped to him in confusion.

“This is Calum. We work together.” Everyone nodded in understanding at Luke’s clarification as Calum sat down on the metal chair, mentally cringing at the uneven legs. “That’s Ashton, Michael, Caitlin and Summer,” He introduced, smiling when the dark haired girl pulled him in for a kiss. Calum nodded along although he had already forgotten their names.

“Hey,” he spoke with a tight-lipped smile, hand raising awkwardly in a small wave. A low chorus of greetings followed shortly after.

Waves of questions about him and how he ended up in Hurstford washed over Calum, who answered as vaguely as he could muster. He didn’t want to share things about himself with strangers he’d forget in a couple months. He didn’t want to become acquainted with villagers. He wanted to be in Los Angeles getting drunk and high every night like he had planned.

He leaned back on the chair when everyone diverted into their own conversations, analysing the room. Unpainted brick walls had large posters of Elvis Presley hung on every corner, small pictures of other artists filling the gaps between them. Tables were scattered unevenly through the room, leaving the far right and centre untouched. A row of slot machines and dart boards stood on the right hand side. People crowded around the jukebox and pool table, desperate to have a turn. The middle of the room seemed to be reserved for dancing. Groups of friends and couples pressed against each other together, jumping to the beat of the music. On the outskirts stood Y/N.

Her hand held what looked like a glass of vodka and cola, although he could never be sure. She was bouncing to the beat of the music with her friends, careful not to spill her drink but still wanting to let loose for the night. A small smile stretched his lips as he watched the girl whip her hair, not caring about how she looked. Calum had to physically restrain himself from from picturing what it would look like to have her dark red lipstick staining his neck.

A shoulder pushed into Calum’s, his annoyed look being met by Luke’s knowing one, eyebrows raised. He had been caught red handed.

“Don’t fancy Y/N, huh?” Luke chuckled.

“Can’t fancy someone I don’t know,” he countered, bringing the glass of beer to his lips. The blonde shook his head, curls bouncing at the movement.

“Guess we should do something about that,” he grinned.

Luke stood up suddenly, dragging the brunette and who Calum presumed was his girlfriend with him on his way to the dance floor. He felt his chest constrict with anxiety as he watched the blonde approach the girl he did not fancy. Calum watched as she wrapped Luke’s girlfriend up in a hug, shooting a friendly smile at Luke. He watched as she chuckled at whatever words he spoke, eyes crinkling with nothing but joy. Calum yearned to always see that expression on her face.

“This is Cal,” Luke introduced, pointing at the man as he wrapped an arm around his girlfriend’s waist. “He’s new to town, might’ve seen him around at Drew’s.”

Y/N began to nod, a look of realisation washing over her features as she smiled at Calum.

“I knew I recognised you,” she grinned, giving Calum a quick hug. He was taken aback by the suddenness of the action, still not accustomed to the friendliness of the townspeople. It only lasted around a second, yet it left him wanting more. “I’m Y/N,” she told him with a smile.

“Nice to meet you.”

Calum hated small talk. He hated the forced questions and uninterested replies. He hated the many awkward silences in between. He hated how slowly time seemed to pass. But there was none of that with Y/N.

Conversation flowed easily between the two, almost not leaving any room for breath. Time flew by, Calum not even realising the minute Luke and his girlfriend walked away. He learned about her passion for writing over the drink he bought her, and her dream of living in New York City. He learned that her music taste was very different to his, surprisingly making the girl appear more intriguing in his eyes.

He wasn’t sure of how they got to her doorstep, didn’t even realise when they left the bar, too consumed by her presence and chat. He was sure he didn’t want their night together to end, something inside of him urging Calum to spend more time with her.

Instead he told her ‘good night’ and walked slowly down the empty roads, a small smile on his lips as he thought of the girl who dreamed of New York.

Tags: @aftermidnightclifford @alongcamethedevil @5sobsessed

masterlist

[sally-annesstories]

Day 37 - Panajachel to San Juan La Laguna, Guatemala

My hardest day to write

1. Despite switching my brain off early I had a rubbish sleep the night before. Barely getting any shut eye. Given I was up at 6.30 by 7 I decided to go for a walk. Pana is small and I quickly covered a lot of ground. It was nice walking with less people around. Although sadly there were way less stalls at this time. I was craving some fruit but nowhere I went could I fine any. Finally I was in a small shop which didn't have fruit but did have a grocery section. As I looked I spotted baby food. Figuring pureed mango and apple was more nutritious than a bag of doritos I opted for that. Quite smart of me I thought, baby food must be semi reasonable.

2. Back at the hostel others were getting up and keen for breakfast. We opted for a womans restaurant which is owned and operated only by females. A big deal in Guatemala.

3. A boat ride to San Juan. Tonight we are staying on the lake again but this time at a homestay. The lake, similar to Antigua is beautifully flat with all the volcanoes surrounding it. The boat ride was relatively chill. The boat being less fancy than maybe ones I'm used to was a a bit noisy. Three quarters of the way through we slowed down and stopped. Not sure what was happening - turns out we'd run out of petrol! There we were floating away until another boat bought over a petrol tank. Given they drive the lake so often, you would think they'd check theu have enough gas to get anywhere before leaving. Anyway eventually made it safe and sound!

4. On arrival we met our homestays and went to their homes to drop off our things. I'll come everything off related to this at point 5. Once without our gear we went into town to visit the different creatives and ways of life at San Juan La Laguna. These were a honey farm, a chocolate workshop, a church, a textiles spot, an artist's and finally a medicine farm. At each the workers told us about what they did there. It was nice and interesting although I probably didn't come across like I was enjoying it. After no sleep the night before I was dead. Everytime we sat down I was nodding off. Oops, but I also knew I needed to be awake with the family so half attention was all I could give.

5. Ok to the family. So when we first arrived a member of each family was waiting. We wrote our names next to a name on a piece of paper and this determined where we'd stay. We walked with our homestay mum to her home. It is something so different to what we consider a house back in NZ. On arrival there is a front room with a wee store. This is selling odds and ends and snacks. It has a door on the alley way as well as into the yard. We walk in through to the yard. The yard is small and oblong shape. Grass on the right with a few trees growing and sticks/twigs piled up indicating they'll be used for fires. On the right side there are two rooms. Both square one with two single beds (where we will be staying) and their bedroom which I couldn't see inside. She has two children, Mildred who is 13 and a two year old son. She is married but quickly learned her husband works in Guatemala City and is only home twice a month. The kitchen is outside and consists of a brick over (this uses the sticks for cooking/fire). The back wall from their bedroom is on one side and pots and pans hang on this. The tin roof extends over this area with tarpaulins covering two other 'walls', the rest remaining open. There is a toilet and shower. Each is a square about 1m x 1m with three concrete walls (one splits the two rooms), there is a draped sheet offered as a door. The daughter sleeps down the road at her aunts. was lucky to be staying with another girl who spoke Spanish so she would chat and translate for me. The family we were staying with was really poor. The father earns 40Q a day (8NZD) for 8 hours work and he cant be with the family. They have been hosting people for 4 months and it's how they put food on the table. The woman handmakes scarves to be sold at markets. The one she was doing when we were there would take 3 days and would be sold for 125Q (25NZD). She also put the shop in the front room. Despite this tough life she and the children were so happy. Before dinner Synovve spent alot of time speaking to her and I played with the kids. Mildred could speak a minor amount of English so between her English and my minimal Spanish we got by. The little boy was very easy to keep happy and we played kicks and other games with toys (some of which were in a fairly dire state.

The woman talked about how she wanted to move to the USA but her husband does not. To go there you need to walk for 1-2 months. Given it's illegal you would pay someone who knows how to cross the border 100,000 Q per person. Noting how much they earn gathering this as cash is near impossible. Instead you put a mortagage on your home. Then you hope it all goes to plan, when you arrive in the USA you have nothing but then if you don't and go back to Guatemala you also have nothing. It's not nice to think of the other options here. We helped with dinner prep, I was rubbish at making tortillas and so stopped after dropping the batter while I made one. Don't want to waste anything here! We noticed there wasn't much food originally thinking they must have already eaten. Sadly that was not the case! When she plated up she served us 3x more than what they served for themselves. Our food was on what I'd consider a dinner plate and theres was on a wee bread plate. I felt sick. I decided best not to eat all on my plate as likely they take leftovers for the next meal. I didn't like the thought of me eating more than them. Also they had 3 plates served, turns out this was one of the nights of the year that dad came home. It was a long weekend hence he was back. After dinner we were asked if we wanted to go to bed. We agreed realizing they would want to all catch up as a family. Before hitting the hay we did do the dishes. Once in our room the beds didn't have sheets on them but rather fleece blankets. On the corner of one a World Vision badge was sewed in. How different to be where the world vision donations are made rather than where the funds are collected.

Just brings home how lucky we are to even just be from NZ / a fully developed country.

Tally:

Minimum wage in NZ: 17.70NZD

Living hourly wage in NZ: 21.15NZD

Minimum hourly wage Guatemala: 2.80NZD

Hourly wage the father was getting: 1.08NZD

< Q amount translated to NZD based on FX at time of writing. Hard to find a minimum wage for Guatemala by hours but websites I was indicted 2,500 Q a month so just averaged that on 4.5 weeks and a 40 hour week. The wage the father told me is less than 'minimum wage'. He said it was hard to find work and because there can be some corruption, I beleive he was true in his daily rate (which I took down to hours). It could've been post tax.

NZ living wage taken from https://www.livingwage.org.nz/about

>

[assistedlivingmilwaukee]

Aging Options Republication DeskYour Spending in Retirement Might Actually be Less Than You Think After You’ve Eliminated These Expenses from Your Budget

Will you spend more in retirement, or less? While some retirees do go a little crazy in the first few years of retirement, spending money on travel and other luxuries, once things settle down most people find to their surprise that they’re spending considerably less than before.  We just read this article from USNews that lists ten areas where the average retiree will be able to save significantly. If you’re planning ahead for retirement, or just starting the journey, this article might provide some helpful food for thought. It might also be a good list to review with your financial planner.

Ten Spending Categories That Might Decrease or Disappear in Retirement

“Many retirees are tempted to spend more money on leisure activities in retirement,” writes USNews senior editor Emily Brandon. “Health care costs also tend to increase as people age. But there are many costs that decline in retirement, and a few you can eliminate entirely.”

Brandon goes on to list ten expenses you might no longer have – or will have to a lesser degree – in retirement. Take a look and see which ones apply to your lifestyle.

Cutting Expenses by Paying Off Your Mortgage

This is one place where, as Rajiv Nagaich often says, a housing issue becomes a financial issue, and vice versa. “Paying off your mortgage eliminates one of your biggest monthly bills,” says the article. You’ll be saving all that interest, and you can stop worrying about late fees. “While you will still have to pay for insurance and property taxes and continue to maintain your home, these costs are likely to be a fraction of what you were paying for your mortgage. Keeping your housing costs low will help your fixed income stretch further. There’s also a big emotional payoff when you own your home mortgage-free.”

Cutting Expenses by Eliminating Commuting Costs

This may seem obvious, but the actual saving can come as something of a surprise. “Gas for your car or train fare is a big expense for employees with long daily commutes to work,” says USNews. “Commuting also puts a lot of wear on your car that could necessitate more frequent repairs and maintenance or even a new vehicle. In retirement, all your driving is for personal errands or pleasure.” The article adds that cutting your miles driven also can qualify you for a lower rate on your auto insurance. You’ll also find that your stress level behind the wheel is reduced because retirees typically enjoy planning their outings to avoid peak travel times.

Cutting Expenses by Getting Rid of a Second Car

“Dual-income married couples often need two cars to get to their respective jobs,” the article observes. “If you’re willing to coordinate your respective schedules, you might be able to get by with one car in retirement.” This dramatically cuts your insurance and car maintenance costs. One idea: sell the second car and put some of the money into a “Local Travel Fund” to pay for the occasional taxi or for ride-share services like Über and Lyft.

Cutting Expenses When You No Longer Need Professional Clothing

“Some jobs require expensive professional attire, stylish haircuts and makeup, and formal clothing for special events,” says USNews. “Dry cleaning and professional tailoring cost even more. Retirees get to trade in their suits for jeans and don’t have to keep up with the latest fashion trends unless they want to.” (Of course, these days with the coronavirus, a lot of that expensive clothing is hanging in the closet – but we get the point.)

Cutting Expenses Because You Have More Time for Life’s Daily Chores

It’s often impossible for time-strapped working people to take care of basic chores like shopping, cooking, and yardwork themselves. They end up paying plenty for basic services that retirees can enjoy doing themselves.  As USNews puts it, instead of “buying expensive convenience food because you don’t have time to cook and outsourcing household chores so you don’t have to spend your weekends doing them,” retirees can spend time and energy “comparison shopping for good deals and taking on the home improvement chores they used to pay someone else to do. Cutting your own grass and cooking at home takes time but could save you money.”

Cutting Expenses Because You’re No Longer Working in an Office

There are hidden costs to the typical office environment that have little to do with nice clothes and long commutes. “Being involved in office social life comes with some costs,” says the article. “You might pay for lunch out with coworkers, chip in for gifts for colleagues or get drawn into the office pool. These costs are often a necessary part of team building with coworkers, but retirees don’t have to pay them.” No more overpriced coffee or happy hour drinks with col-workers you don’t really want to spend time with. Instead, retirees can shift their spending to gatherings with close friends they actually prefer to see.

Cutting Expenses with Senior Discounts

“One of the major benefits of growing older is qualifying for senior discounts,” says USNews. “The senior discounts available for travel, hotels and car rentals are well-known. But you may also qualify for discounts at restaurants, retail stores and even grocery stores.” It may not be obvious which places offer senior discounts – sometimes you have to ask. Senior discounts at many places start at age 55 or even 50. If you search on Bing or Google for “senior discounts,” you’ll find limitless options and lists, including this one called the Senior List.

Cutting Expenses with Off-Peak Travel

When you were working full time, a one-week vacation often meant Monday-through-Friday, forcing you and your family to travel on the busiest travel days of the week. “Many working people cram their travel plans into long weekends and national holidays, and parents tend to vacation during school breaks,” says USNews. “Airlines and hotels know this and set prices accordingly.” But when you retire, you can travel during weekdays and off-peak seasons, when the prices are lower and the crowds are smaller. Retirees with a flexible schedule may also be able to take advantage of last-minute deals on cruises, RV rentals, and other vacation packages.

Cutting Expenses by Ferreting Out Unnecessary Investment Fees

This idea might be something you always meant to do, and now that you’re retired you can finally accomplish it. “Take the time to review your investment portfolio, with the goal of reducing your investment costs,” the article advises. “Make a note of the expense ratio of each fund, and challenge yourself to find a lower-cost fund that meets your investment needs. Take care to learn the rules for taking penalty-free retirement account withdrawals. You could be retired for several decades. Don’t allow your investment returns to be dragged down by unnecessary costs.”

Cutting Expenses Thanks to a Lower Tax Rate

“Many people drop into a lower tax bracket in retirement,” says USNews. What’s more, seniors often benefit from more generous tax breaks including a bigger standard deduction, and in some locales, they get a break on property taxes. “Take steps to further reduce your taxes by carefully timing retirement account withdrawals,” the article advises. “Retirees who continue to work can defer paying income tax on more money in a 401(k) than younger employees. Charitably inclined retirees can avoid income tax on IRA required minimum distributions by making a qualified charitable distribution.”

The Real Key to a Solid Estate Plan: an AgingOptions LifePlan

When it comes to retirement planning, most people focus on one fairly narrow issue: money. Financial planning is an important component of retirement planning. But people heading towards retirement often make the mistake of thinking that a little financial planning is all that’s required, when in fact most financial plans are woefully inadequate.

What about your medical coverage – will that be adequate? What if you have to make a change in your housing status – will that knock your financial plan off course? Are you adequately prepared legally for the realities of retirement and estate planning? And is your family equipped to support your plans for the future as you age? The best way we know of to successfully blend all these elements together – finance, medical, housing, legal and family – is with a LifePlan from AgingOptions.

Thousands of people have discovered the power of LifePlanning and we encourage you to the same. Simply visit our website and discover a world of retirement planning resources.  Make certain your retirement planning is truly comprehensive and complete with an AgingOptions LifePlan.  Age on!

(originally reported at https://money.usnews.com)

The post Your Spending in Retirement Might Actually be Less Than You Think After You’ve Eliminated These Expenses from Your Budget appeared first on AgingOptions.

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[hangryandlazy]

consistency

Presented with the opportunity to, I could write a whole novel on what I believe to be “wrong” about myself. There are a number of things I want to change about my appearance, my habit, my character, my personality, my morals... But one thing that really stands out to me is my (lack of) consistency.

Growing up, I dabbled in a lot of hobbies. By a lot, I really do mean a lot. 

Tennis, badminton, swimming, basketball, tennis, table tennis, gymnastics, ballet... I’ve tried them all. Which one did I stick to? None. Photography, videography, piano, recorder, oboe, reading, writing, cooking, fashion design, costume design... I would do any of these for a day or two, maybe a few weeks or months, sometimes even several years, but I would always end up quitting when the going got tough. 

I didn’t have determination. I didn’t have passion.

Okay, I did have determination to an extent. I have to give myself credit for having been a laser-focused student who worked very hard to maintain an above-average GPA. I had to make sacrifices for that, so I am capable... I just need to have a very clear goal, as well as a very clear, laid-out path for me to follow step-by-step in order to reach it.

But nothing in life is that clear-cut.

So, I procrastinate and come up with excuses for why I didn’t do whatever I had set out to do.

“I’m so tired today.” “It’s my period.” “It’s Friday.” “I’ll work harder tomorrow.” “It’s not that urgent anyway.”

I was a very diligent and hard worker in my academic years, but I feel like I’d spread myself soooooo thin in college that, upon graduation, I let my belt buckle loose and just never attempted to recondition myself. I missed out on fun nights out to stay at home and write notes for subjects and exams of which I have no more recollection. They seemed important at the time, but in retrospect, I wish I’d gone out with friends instead of cooping myself up at home alone, trying to focus on getting grades that I could brag about on a transcript that honestly barely sees daylight. I wish I’d experienced New York City more––that I’d enjoyed more restaurants (instead of being ruled by my eating disorder), that I’d tried to get to know more people (instead of sticking with the “safe” crowd of Asians)... There are so many things I wish I’d done differently.

I wish I’d never stopped writing. I wish I’d kept it up as hobby, so that instead of ending up with an eating disorder and a multitude of mental and emotional issues, I’d have a portfolio of stories and memories and anecdotes that had helped me overcome issues. I wish I’d put in more hours into finding solutions to my “problems” than just sitting around moping about them (and often harming myself in the process).

I know it’s not right to blame my parents for this. I know it’s not fair to give the responsibility and pressure of my personal growth to people who have their own lives to worry about.

But I didn’t ask to be born.

(LOL OKAY THAT TOOK A DARK TURN)

I’ve said this many times before, I still stand by my belief, and I will say it many times hereafter as well, I am sure. I am of the belief that people should have to apply for licences to have children. Sure, there will always be those who abuse the system and do their research half-heartedly and just do an overall crappy job even though they put in the work and effort to get there. But it would certainly curb the desire of procreation from many other undeserving people, people who simply aren’t fit to be parents.

I came across this quotation a while ago, and it has since been branded into my mind––”Some people are ready to have children, just not to be parents.”

As much as I love my mom, I have to admit that I find this to be very true. I’m sure my mother and father were good parents to me when I was a baby, when all I needed was to be wiped, fed, put to sleep, entertained, burped, cleaned etc. Those are the fun days–even though they are stressful and demanding, they’re the fun days. Because babies don’t talk back. Babies can’t make their own decisions, they just deal with whatever you give them. If they don’t like it, they can spit it out or throw it away, but they can’t give you shit for how much they disliked it. They can’t talk back at you sarcastically and then give you attitude for the rest of the day. Babies are simple.

Once I was old enough to wipe my own butt and feed myself, I saw less and less of my parents. They barely come home for dinner––I almost always ate alone in front of the TV. When they were home, they wanted to relax, to have quiet time to themselves... Which is fine, it’s totally understandable to me now, of course, but when I was 8 years old...? There’s no fucking way I could have understood how tiring “real life” was. Instead of identifying that they needed some time alone to recharge and subsequently relaying that message to me somehow, they lost their temper and snapped at me. All. The. Fucking. Time.

I suppose that contributed to my lack of self esteem. I wasn’t able to separate my self worth from the reactions that I got from my parents, reactions to their inability to separate their personal and professional lives. I was reminded of this when I got into the hugest argument of my life with the man who biologically is my father. He’s selfish, egotistical, and self-centered, and I always Google whether he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I released a lot of pent-up emotions about feeling neglected and wronged, and I said a lot of hurtful things (which I surprisingly don’t regret saying). I’m not going to baby him any longer. Just because I’m his daughter, and I’m younger in age than he is, does not mean that my emotional intelligence is lower, or that my needs are less important. Just because he’s 30+ years my senior doesn’t mean he’s allowed to use sarcasm (the lowest form of humor, I always remind him) to passive aggressively make jabs at me, while I have to speak to him with the utmost politeness. No. Fuck you. Taste your own fucking medicine. If you can’t take it, don’t dish it out.  (Slight tangent there^, oops!)

My point is, if there had been someone to guide me and remind me that great things take perseverance and dedication, I probably would have ended up a lot more productive than I am now. I probably would not have had an eating disorder, I would have had a healthy relationship with food my entire life (slim chance though because my mother 100% has an unhealthy relationship with food, and I learned alot of my bad habits from her), I might actually be good at something because I’d kept on practicing it purposefully.

It does really suck. I really value the idea and sanctity of “family”, but it’s what I lack the most of at home. I wasn’t good enough at German to communicate with my relatives on my father’s side of the family, and I’m still not good enough at Cantonese to fully express myself to my Chinese relatives. I’d always wished I’d grown up in an American family, where we all had a similar sense of humor and we were able to actually communicate with one another about our inner world, our memories and experiences, and our plans for the future. 

I get along great with my mom, we’ve managed to really secure our relationship and bond since I moved back to Hong Kong 2 years ago. But with my father? I don’t foresee much of a relationship in our future so long as he chooses to continue living in his meaningless denial.