#Atp I don't even care anymore dude💀

[dam-blue-ribbon]

Am I becoming a simp??

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

It is so important to find a good therapist. It truly is.

Personal vent about my therapist moral of the story is if you think something's weird, it is 💀

This dude..

For one, bro like plain doesn't take notes which would be fine if he remembered like... ANYTHING I said. I said I took pills, he asked what kind, I said dph, dude said oh that has alcohol in it then diagnosed me with mild alcohol abuse COMPLETELY UNRELATED TO WHAT TF I JUST EXPLAINED just cause I said I drink on rare occasions. Like mf.. I drink so little you can't even count it against me. It's so few and far between. Single digits per year probably. And I'm around my family when I'm drinking so it's not like they'd let me get blackout drunk anyway. Why diagnose me off of that instead of the fucking addiction that ACTUALLY impacted my life?

But I'm like okay maybe that's a technicality thing that's not fair to him.

So then I keep on coming. Everyday i come in and he has me fill out this depression and anxiety screening form. I think its weird since it's just a screening form and he's already diagnosed me with anxiety and major depressive disorder.. so why are you screening me twice a week.... we've already established that i have it. But what makes it sting is how he sits there and compare the numbers everytime as if that's the end all be all of whether or not I'm still struggling. I swear this one time I marked a few 2s instead of 3s and after scoring a whopping 2 points lower than my previous one, he was all talking bout oh see I think therapy is good for you you're already seeing improvements. Like nigga. Do you understand how mental illness works..? It's a general screening form. That I'm filling out. TWOOOO. TIMES. A. WEEK. If I filled it out like it's printed I'd have the exact same answers every single time. What's the point of screening me that often?

But I'm like okay cool. Maybe that's protocol and I just know from here on I have to do it by the letter. Doesn't matter if it's completely useless atp.

So then he started having me do "meditation" in the beginning that lasts like 10 mins. It gets so aggravating after like 3 but I'm thinking maybe he's dragging it that long cause I'm really seeming restless. So I try to sit completely still and breathe like I'd expect him to want me to. But then he goes on and on and on to the point where Im opening my eyes and just scanning the room atp. Just bored. And dude still got his eyes closed breathing

🥲

He finally just pissed me off today when I said I ghosted all my friends a while ago and haven't spoken to anyone in a while. And dude later gon ask me if I have any non alcoholic friends Ive talked to this week. Like okay. Fuck off. It's not even a thing of you just forgetting after having patient after patient! YOURE JUST NOT LISTENING. I said i ghosted my friends 2 weeks ago WITHINNN this one hour long appointment. Did you really not care to remember that? Did that not ring any alarm bells? And I can't think of a single scenario where it'd be acceptable. If you don't know what ghosting is, ask. If you didn't hear me, ask. If you don't understand why I did it, ask. You don't get to brush past that as a professional. Why am I even here if we're just repeating the same questions over and over again with you only paying attention to the parts that you care to talk about?

AND IM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC

Fuck this dude. I have two more appointments scheduled that I'm not gonna bother to slither out of. I'll say it'll be my strike two and three appointments. If I still feel no different towards him, I won't schedule anymore. I feel like ive given too many chances atp. But at the same point, maybe it really was an off day every other time I've had other paperwork to fill out too which maybe effected the quality of the appointments. I think it's only fair to have a few test appointments lmao. Plus I have a psych evaluation coming up so I don't wanna stop going and have dude take back his referral 💀💀

Wait... damn. I only have the strike three appointment my fucking jobbbbb. Whatever ig. I want to just miss but I'm not gonna bother. I'm gonna bring it up tho. Maybe he'll learn from it and be better for other people

I think that was too fundamental of a problem to come back from. I only have one hour a week to somehow someway stop being angry at him? And to start trusting dude again at that. I still get bitter over my friends bs how tf do I find the positive to make me stick around when it's just some random dude.

Oh well that and the first appointment I had with him?

Dude said talk therapy doesn't usually work for people with long term issues like mine.

I shoulda just took the hint and dipped. Wanted to give dude the benefit of doubt so bad.. 😑

Okay nvm never going back did not realize I wasn't even following my own damn advice. Why was I still gonna give him more chances

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

Random blurb bout a recent nightmare

Well uh I had a nightmare last night. it was pretty horrible if I'm being real.. tho not my worst by a long shot. The progression of the dream didn't make a whole lotta sense so to sum up:

I was someone else at the beginning part of the dream. I was the partner of a very legendary person. For whatever reason we were in this really dangerous area that was worsened by the fact that we were there for something that was directly related to what made that area so dangerous. I had to speak on something later that day, got left in this apartment, only for someone to bust in the house annnd... I guess you probably wouldn't wanna hear that part. Long story short past that everyone was asking the dude if he'd still love me now that I was visibly disfigured to which I never got an answer as I woke up within the dream to go onto another dream.

The next one wasn't nearly as bad but it was stressful which sucked. I've actually been noticing that a lot lately tbh. My nightmares generally aren't bad all the way throughout. Plus, I think I'm getting better with separating that nonsense from the rest of my day. The first few times were particularly jarring cause I was going from a dream here and there that didn't really have an actual plot (a clear one anyway.. 💀💀💀) to semi regular dreams of really shitty things happening back to back but nowadays I'm sorta used to it all.

It feels weird to say that honestly. I never really think on my addiction anymore. I'm not on nearly as much of a schedule as I used to be (hence the nightmares) + a lot of the withdrawal things I get have become so commonplace to the point where I barely notice til I'm in physical pain. and even then at times. I can't bring it up anyway. I tend to just brush it off to avoid slipping up and sleeping where it gets bad bad. Heart pain is the usual one but headaches on bad days, too

What has it been now.. 7ish months since this all started? I guess it was bound to become routine at some point.

Sorry. I know all that was depressing

Uh.. in semi good news I've gotten better at snapping myself out of everything-is-doomed-and-I-have-no-way-out-mode. I've noticed that my long time thing of people pleasing makes me put a lot more weight on mistakes/bad shit. Like me being a literal bum atp. And yeah.. course I'd prefer everyone forgets I exist so I can live on without the weight of the hundreds of eyes watching me.. I hate that I'm now on stuck on a pedestal that I no longer fit on.. I'm sure my immediate family all understands what I really am to a degree but it's going to sting watching my extended family full of alcoholics, teen parents, and honestly just poverty stricken people go from seeing me as some golden star of what strictness and determination can get for you to realizing I'm just the same as everyone else.

-_-

How tf did I fall into that like.. AS I was saying I got good at not doing that. lorddd

I guess I did only say better 🤷‍♀️

Anyway... much as it feels like oh I fucked EVERYTHING and shits over and done with, I do realize I have a bit longer til that's set in stone. Plus, I'm actually starting something for once. Resigned up for this work from bs for the 2nd time now. This time hopefully with no extra bullshit. Tho if this time falls through, I am done. Shit starts in a few days and I have bout a month of long ass zoom calls til I'm good to start fr fr. I'm not looking forward to it honestly. I'm glad to have something to do now so I won't be looked down on as much but I honestly don't care either way. I just want to get this shit done and over with so I can start paying off my uni debt. Pparently they added some extra since I couldn't pay it in the monthly time frame they set so I just want to have it done before they start actually doing something about it.

I think that now I've gotten more okay with the way things've gone. Partially cause I understand that it is my fault at the end of the day and partially cause I know that worst comes to worse, I'm not going to jail, my parents won't care all too much if I just keep details to myself, and for now my issues are purely student debt and my own bs. It's not too bad just yet. Now, the day that I have to sit down and really decide what I am from here on out, THAT is gonna suck. But for now, I can struggle without too many long term consequences.

Tho me getting used to my dph thing has begun to bring another circling thought to my mind. I feel like I only have so long until I'm either caught and aired out or I fuck something up seriously where I have health issues from here on. The days of my once a day 500 are long since behind me. Not to say I get too wild nowadays but I mean.. how many times have I casually popped 600+ just to try and force myself to sleep? It genuinely ain't even an event for me to take a gram atp. I hover round 650-900 now. Even that day I took over a gram and a half, it was like nothing even happened. How long of that do I really have left? I only can get "lucky" for so long. What's going to make this all crash and burn? Am I just gonna get too busy to maintain my habit? Am I gonna pass out in front of them someday? Will I just sleep and not wake up one day?

It's.. weird to think on. You can ask a random cousin bout me and hear the greatest tale about me being some engineering genius now going to one of the highest ranked engineering uni's in the country while in reality I'm coming up on my one year anniversary since my last day on campus and I have to genuinely consider if my addiction to otc meds will be enough to kill me at age 19. It frustrates me some days. It really does

Anyway this all was entirely more than I was planning on talking on so I'll end this here. Sorry for going so off track