#At least I've been honest... I just don't want to be a burden... I wish I was normal | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

little-miss-understood · 2 years ago

Text

Dame Violette, Prologue

Welcome to the mother of all fix-it fics, something I've had planned for a long while but the disaster that is Season 5 of Miraculous Ladybug has proven to me is needed. This will probably be my definitive work and after it's completed I'm more than likely not going to write anything else for ML. But, this story is in me to be told and I want it out lol.

Anyways, enjoy!

They had lost.

There was no question about it, as Marinette stared up at the figure of Gabriel Agreste in front of her. He had successfully merged the Cat and Ladybug Miraculous, and now as a deranged god he was going to get his reality bending wish. It was the one thing he wanted out of this whole mess, after three years of terrorizing Paris, and she felt utterly despondent and sad in her failure.

His son and her partner, the love of her life, Adrien Agreste stood behind his father. The emotions crossing over his face at this turn of events seemed to be of relief that this was all over. That somehow, his father would come to his senses and that if Marinette could just be understanding, then this whole situation could resolve itself and-

“I wish to go back to when my wife was alive, for us all to be together again as a family!”

Marinette had no time to react. The world went white.

Hi, my name is Marinette! I'm just a normal girl who lives with her two baker parents in Paris. Nothing special about me, nope, nosiree.

Unless you count the weird psychic visions I get. I mean that has to be normal, right?

They're like “mental shocks”. To be honest I'm not really sure why they happen or how they come to me, or even if I'm the only one who gets them. They seem to be steering me in life. Hopefully away from bad things though I never know for sure. Like a shock I got when considering fashion as a career choice, which led to some weird visions of a blonde-haired woman yelling about how something wasn't exceptional and about a man who looked old and stern, how the world of fashion seemed very competitive and not easy to get to the top of, at least not without losing parts of yourself along the way. Because of that I figured maybe engineering would be a better bet, I seem to have a good knack for designing neat things, like diaries with unique locks. I still make clothes occasionally! But they're more for myself or my close friends.

Another shock came when the first class representative elections came up. I thought about running, but memories of a girl who seemed to be overrun with responsibilities for her classmates filled my mind, along with a figure who took advantage who looked very, very similar to Madame Bustier, my homeroom teacher. Because of that it led me to always sit at the back of the class rather than anywhere near the front, not wanting to be noticed. Someone else can take the burden of being leader. There are only two other people who knows about me having such thoughts...having met them both through shocks, I figured they'd understand it if I explained the whole thing outright. Considering how well read one of them is I had hoped maybe she could have had a rational explanation but she just laughed and said it was probably some kind of “gut magic”. The other simply said it was “Awesome”. I might have been offended but they also both wholeheartedly believed me. I don't know why a person believing in me feels so...important, but it does. Like I know my parents do but having someone else besides them is great. I have a small group of two best friends, and that's more than enough for me. Having too many would be spreading myself thin and my downtime is important; I hate being run off my feet. Plus quality is better over quantity, and both of these girls are quality without a doubt. We might as well be sisters now for how entangled our lives have become.

- In a schoolyard, a five-year old Marinette looks around anxiously. It's a brand-new school to her, what with the move her mama and papa had done to a new and larger bakery, and she had to leave behind the friends she made in the previous year. Her papa however had done what he always did, and set her up with a box of macarons for her first day. “Just be yourself, offer one to a classmate. You're going to be fine, my sweet.” But there was a sinking feeling in her stomach. Marinette was expecting something to come her way, something horrible. Something brash. But little did she know, that on the other side of Paris, a decision was made to send a blonde girl of similar age to a private school, along with a boy of a prominent fashion mogul. It was over the objections of her father, a councilman who was hoping to rise to the position of mayor. “It's out of the question, Andre!”, shouted the mother. “She needs to learn what it takes with the right kind of teachers! Besides, this might seal the deal between ourselves and the Agrestes for marriage!” So, one fate was avoided. It was at this point Marinette felt the mental shock. A view into another universe, one were the blonde terror came to the school and immediately started to berate her as low-class, that her macarons were tasteless, and screaming for a young bespectacled red-haired girl to follow her during recess. It was said girl that Marinette saw near the entrance of the school, looking just as lost. The vision of the other universe fresh in her head, she walked over and opened up the box her father had provided. “Hi, my name is Marinette! Would you like a macaron?” The girl seemed to hesitate for a moment, almost as if she was questioning Marinette's motives and if this was, in fact, real. But then she looked down into the box, back towards her, and smiled. “I'm...Sabrina. It's nice to meet you! Um, do you have any strawberry ones?”

- We were inseparable from that day forward, best friends forevermore. Where would I be without Sabrina? Probably some stuttering mess. We each seemed to calm different parts of ourselves; her stopping my anxious “spirals” before they even start, and me encouraging her to stand up for herself. There's a strong mutual respect and understanding between us both; she's smart in the areas I'm not, and in turn I make up where she may falter. While I'm thankful for a lot of the “shocks” and their guidance, that one in particular has a special place in my heart as it gave two souls support and friendship. And two we were, until five years later a shock gave us our “missing” sister.

Friendship Day. An annual scavenger hunt across all of Paris. Usually Sabrina and I don't participate, but a shock a few days ago convinced me to have us both take part this year. The celebrity we were supposed to try and find was Jagged Stone, and that's kind of cool, but at the same time we couldn't work together to try and do it. The rules of the day meant that a new “friend” would be assigned to us at random.

Which is a shame, because Sabrina and I probably could have made short work this whole thing.

My phone buzzed with the first clue, “With one turn of a handle, I can raise the level.” That was easy enough, the Canal Saint-Martin. That wasn't even very far away, maybe a few blocks. I thought back to what was shown to me in the shock while walking towards the canal lock. It was of a girl with black and purple hair and a boy with teal hair. Both of them had their backs turned, so I had no idea what they looked like, but...

...it seemed I was going to meet one of them today. The girl on the bridge looked almost the same as the one in my vision, though shorter somehow? But the hair was a dead giveaway, along with the fact that her clothing also seemed similar.

And that she had her back to me. I guess the best approach would be direct?

“Um, hello!”

That seemed to startle her more than anything, though she slowly turned around. Her face was covered by her hair, and her expression was one of fear. But we briefly locked eyes, and something in her seemed to calm right away. Enough for her to haltingly mumble something out. I barely caught it.

“Hello. I'm Juleka.”

In the end, it turned out she was more scared about searching for Jagged Stone than meeting me; apparently her mother had something against him and she didn't really want Juleka to take part, but was free to do so anyways. Though we kept following the clues, we both eventually gave up the hunt and started to talk more about our lives. It turned out we had a few similar interests, and by the end of the day when we met up with Sabrina I had grown used to Juleka's unique way of speaking French.

It took Sabrina more time to get there, though.

“I couldn't believe it Nettie, all she kept going on about was how “utterly ridiculous” I was! Everything from what I was wearing to if I couldn't get one of the clues right on the first try! I guess I drew the short straw on this whole thing.”

“It's alright Brina, you don't ever have to see her again at least.” I said, putting a supportive arm around her at the same time.

“I hope not. You know how I feel about bullies. But...” She turned her attention to the raven-haired girl sitting on the other side of me. “At least it looks like things were brighter on your end?”

“They were for sure! Juleka, this is Sabrina!”

Juleka's eyes darted up and down Sabrina, as if looking for some kind of hidden intention. After a moment, she breathed a small sigh of relief before letting out a mumble that was similar to what I had heard earlier in the day. Judging from the look on Sabrina's face, she hadn't quite caught what the other girl had said, so I served as a translator.

“She said it's nice to meet you.”

From then on, we were a trio. Three Musketeers, all for one and one for all. I wasn't sure how Juleka would influence us at first, it was only later I realized that her tastes ended up seeping into Sabrina and I unnoticed, enough that all of us were wearing darker clothing by the time we hit our teens, not to mention a nose piercing (for Sabrina) and hair dye (for myself, which more than surprised my parents the day I showed up at home from a sleepover with pink highlights in my black hair). But none of that was a bad thing, if anything we embraced it all. We understood Juleka when very few would bother trying; her accented French could come out sounding low or in mumbles to others, but we knew what she saying. Juleka could be as chaotic as her mother around the right people, and it seemed as though we were her people.

The three of us were together enough that a language was taking form among ourselves; an unholy mix of French, Scottish Gaelic, English, and some Mandarin. Every weekend a sleepover, either at my place, Juleka's houseboat or Sabrina's apartment. Sabrina had in fact been over more times than I could count, largely because her father, Roger, trusted my parents and knew she was in good hands. He worked long hours as a police officer but took a step back from front-line duties as Sabrina got older, not wanting to be in danger and leave Sabrina without a parent. It took Roger...longer to get used to both Juleka and Anarka, her mother, but in the end was won over by a weird shared taste in rock music. Sabrina had told me when he was younger that Roger upheld the law to the letter but had significantly mellowed out over the years, which was good as Anarka didn't exactly park her boat in entirely legal areas. Our first combined sleepover on the Liberty also caused him concern as the boat had ended up in another place entirely overnight, but seeing his daughter happy must have helped warm things over.

Not to mention my own parents helping in that respect, too. I dearly love my papa and my maman; both of them work so hard to keep the bakery running, which means long days and nights, but they always also find ways to make time for me. Occasionally I pitch in, there have even been periods when Sabrina has as well, and they get along with Roger and Anarka. They've even taken on Juleka's brother as a delivery driver!

Oh yes...Luka.

Houseboats aren't exactly meant to be stable. The swaying of the tides prevents that, same as if another boat comes along and tries to pull a smaller one into its wake.

Marinette gingerly took her steps onto the Liberty, the houseboat that belonged to the Couffaine family. It was her first time coming...aboard? She pondered what exactly to call it, as Juleka walked ahead of her. After coming over to her house a few times, the other girl decided that it was time to return the favour.

“And the Captain, my mathair, really wants to meet my new friends.”

This is how Marinette found herself aboard a boat for the first time. Feeling it bob up and down in the water wasn't helping things much, and the sudden sway in the river caused her footing to give way as she felt herself tumble backwards.

But someone caught her. She hadn't even realized someone was behind her, let alone able to catch her fall. But as she stared up into teal blue eyes, Marinette thought back to the boy in her vision from some time back. The boy who had teal hair and his back turned to her.

“Ah, thank you for catching me.”

“It's no trouble, living on a boat has its downsides. I've gotten used to the waves, they're as constant to me now as musical notes.”

That sounded familiar. It was if she had known him, but that couldn't have been possible, they had just met for the first time.

“So, what is your name? Mine is Luka.”

It had slightly caught her off guard, though Marinette should have known that question was coming. “Uh, my name is Mamamarinette!”

As Marinette dug her face into her sleeping bag to hide her shame, she just heard Luka give out a light chuckle.

“Hello, Ma-ma-marinette.”

I can admit to having a small crush on Luka. Love interests tend not to catch my attention until I've been friends with them for a while, something I've found out is being called demisexual. I'm content to let things build further and see where they go, and I think Luka has the same vibe. We haven't really done much aside from ice cream dates here and there. Besides, I only just turned fourteen. There's no need to rush anything, it's not like he's leaving any time soon. Anarka had come back to Paris so that Luka could attend a prestigious music school. Juleka was offered the same but she wasn't quite sure what she wanted to do yet, so of course Sabrina and I jumped at the chance to have her in our class, though it did mean she had to go down a grade because of odd timing.

We were now getting ready to enter our third year of school together. It seemed as though we wouldn't be switching classes, even with the addition of some new people into the school; I didn't pay attention to any of that but Sabrina had found out that not only was the daughter of the Mayor going to be in our school this year, but also the son of some famous fashion designer. Ag...something. Agreste maybe? That name had sounded familiar.

It didn't matter; nothing would change my year too much. Nothing exciting would happen, nothing out of the ordinary. I'm happy being normal, I'm happy in my life, with my friends.

But as I travelled to school, before meeting up with Sabrina and Juleka, little did I know my life would change in a big way. All because I picked up a small butterfly brooch that was lying in a puddle of water. I didn't even notice it at first but a purple jewel caught my sight. Bending down to pick it up, a terrible shock came to me, one of the worst I've ever experienced.

A vision of a girl in a ladybug outfit, a boy in leather made to look like a cat. Some figure calling himself “Hawkmoth”. A box that seemed to be filled with random jewellery. A bunch of mysterious figures that were guarding over said box, but it was stolen from a Temple-

“Nettie!”

I looked down the street and saw Sabrina calling out to me, with Juleka standing next to her. I couldn't just leave the broach, it seemed far too precious for that. Besides, if it gave off such a strong mental vision, maybe that meant that I was supposed to have it? I could always give it up later, and maybe someone was out looking for a piece of lost jewellery. Stuffing it into my pocket, I ran down to meet my friends. After school was over, maybe then I could figure out what to do with it.

For now, my last year at Collège Françoise Dupont was about to begin.

#marinette dupain cheng #juleka couffaine #sabrina raincomprix #butterfly marinette #endgame lukanette

31 notes · View notes

chronicparagon · 1 year ago

Text

[ I think I'll take tonight off. It's been a long week and I want some space from all the messages. This is the last time I will mention this. I'm moving on after this. I will answer the other messages on the wall of text later and get rid of the ugly ones.]

I'm just...shocked. I never, ever had to deal with anything like what happened with my wall of text before. The past walls were just IC fun with a bit of angst.

The IC ones were never a problem. Some people hate Harmony and that's okay. I rather muses were honest in how they feel about her. They can hurt her, destroy her, whatever they want since muse =/= mun. But some things that came up were clearly OOC. I get anon hate occasionally but I just delete them and never talk about them. I believed it was best that I faced them alone to help keep things positive. But lately, it's been more frequent and I don't understand why.

Yeah, they hurt and I don't like the death threats or pushing me to do something that involves unaliving. Those trigger me pretty bad. But I never talk about it with anyone because it is negative. I don't want to be more exhausting than I already am.

I'm going to be honest, it hurts. I tried to remove them but more kept coming. I feel like I messed up somewhere or I failed. I've been called a burden to rpcs, that I'm better off gone, and other ugly things. Being told I'm not worth anything, a failure, and I never belonged and deserve to be alone or dead can mess anyone up. I don't plan to talk about these events after this post, but I wish people talked to me if there was a problem. I try very hard to be accommodating. I try to be positive and supportive. But I keep thinking I failed and better off gone or as one person said, dead.

Not everyone likes Harmony and that is never a problem. Not everyone likes me and that's okay. It's just I wish they wouldn't fill my inbox or wall with OOC spite. They can just leave me alone since I try to stay in my lane and write with people who want to rp with me. Just talk to me about the problem privately or leave me be. If you can’t stand me, then please hard block. The nasty OOC messages and asks will continue to be unanswered.

I don't know. I always saw myself as unlikable and don't deserve good things. I hated myself for a very long time and never shook off the belief that I deserve hatred. I get anxious because I want to be enough to someone. I want to be liked. I want to be wanted. I want to be loved. I don't know why I feel I don't deserve any of it. I feel terrible for wanting to be accepted and loved because no one owes me anything. I don’t want to force that on anyone either.

I feel selfish for wanting to be special to someone or be a friend. I know pouring out my heart is selfish too. It's just I am struggling with bottling everything up and I cracked a few times with the pressure from IRL. I need to be stronger and keep the pain hidden. There are times when I wonder if people would be happier if I wasn't around. There are times when I thought if I never woke up, then the world would be better. I know it's not true. At least, I want to believe it's not true but I don’t want to live in a lie. I'm just so tired and I don't know how much more I can take.

I keep thinking I am a bad person and maybe I shouldn’t exist after all. The pain is too much. I don’t want to wake up.

#ooc #spam #will delete #negative tw #will get back to rp stuff #I just got to get over it #and toughen up #mental health tw #the top sentences is the important part #the less important is under the cut and I don't want to darken the dash #death tw #s/uicide mention tw

9 notes · View notes

hinatastinygiant · 1 year ago

Text

13 | Magician

Pairing: Daichi x Fem!Reader

Only in Whispers

Y/N'S P.O.V.

It's been about an hour since you last saw everyone in the main room. Now, it's time to return. You can only hope that someone has found some sort of evidence to further prove who the killer is.

Everyone seems to be a bit on edge when you arrive in the main room. Hinata was the one to find you and ask you to return back, so it makes you feel a bit better knowing that you found at least one person this whole time.

Once the whole group is back, only four people are missing: Tendo, Kogane, Iwaizumi, and Oikawa. You are so worried about the first two. Even after an hour, nobody could find them. Not to mention that now Iwa and Oikawa have disappeared.

You look over at Daichi who approaches you with a sigh. "How're you feeling?" he asks before kissing you on the cheek.

"Like shit," you answer, shaking my head. "This is not what I expected when I woke up this morning."

"Me neither," he replies.

"This is so fucked up," you say, leaning against his shoulder. "How are you doing?"

"I don't know," he answers honestly. "I just wish I could take you away from here."

You smile up at him. "I'd love that," you tell him. "I just want to go home."

"Once it's all over then," he replies, hugging you to him. "We just have to figure this out first."

He then kisses you once more before calling the others to his attention. Tsukishima looks eager to be the first to give details about his findings.

"I found Yamaguchi and those two idiots," he tells you all. "Turns out they were all doing lines in Yamaguchi's room."

"No way!" Yachi gasps. "Yamaguchi? Really?"

"What kind of drugs?" Bokuto asks.

"Cocaine, heroin, LSD... You name it, they probably had it," he scoffs.

"Oh come on, you know that isn't true," Yamaguchi grumbles. But Tsukishima ignores him.

"Hinata and Kageyama are supplying it to him. So if you ask me, they're equally guilty. Even said they'd blackmail me if I told you all," he continues without batting an eye.

"Wow, Yamaguchi," Sugawara shakes his head. "I knew you were stressed but I didn't think you were that desperate."

"It's not that big of a deal," Kageyama adds.

"You're right. It's not," Tsukishima agrees. "It's a huge deal, and you guys are idiots."

While they continue to talk everything out, you look over at Kita who seems absolutely bewildered. But, eventually, he accepts it. He looks sad that he wasn't right in his hunch, but at least the truth came out. You pat him on the back, giving him silent support.

"Well is that all?" Daichi interrupts after long enough. "That really doesn't have anything to do with Kiyoko..."

Just then, Tendo bursts into the room, bursting right through the huge doors. Everyone gasps when he approaches, including you.

"Tendo?! What the hell?!" you exclaim as he gets closer. "Where have you been?!"

"I just found this in a secret room of this house! It was right on Kiyoko's desk!" he says, waving a letter in his hand.

"Well, what is it?" Daichi asks him.

"It's a letter that Kiyoko wrote," he explains to us. "I'll read it to you..."

"My Dearest Nishinoya, I cannot deny the depth of my feelings for you any longer. With each passing day, my love for you has grown stronger and more undeniable. But, my love, our situation is complicated. I know you understand this better than anyone. I need to be honest with you, just as I've been honest with myself. I must address things with Tanaka properly. I owe it to him to have a conversation about where we stand and find closure. It pains me to write these words, but for now, we must keep our love a secret, hidden away from prying eyes. I want nothing more than to be with you openly and freely, to hold your hand in public and to feel your lips on mine. The thought of our love being a secret is a burden I wish we didn't have to bear, but it's a necessary step for both of us to find the happiness we deserve. Yours always, Kiyoko."

Before you can even blink, Tanaka's fist goes flying into Nishinoya's face. The impact is so intense that Nishinoya falls onto the floor.

"How dare you? How fucking dare you?!" Tanaka yells at him. "How dare you come here and act like you're my friend. Like you weren't sneaking around with my fucking girlfriend behind my back!"

"Dude, you're not even dating her!" Noya spits blood from his mouth. "I mean, shit, how many times does she need to end things with you before you get the fucking hint?"

"It doesn't matter!" Tanaka continues. "It doesn't matter because you're a piece of shit!"

"Hold on," Saeko interrupts, but not to stop her brother from punching Nishinoya in front of both a cop and a detective. "So that's why you rejected Asahi."

As she says that, you look around the room for Semi, but he's nowhere to be found. You can see his girlfriend standing quietly in the corner, but he isn't beside her anymore.

"And you're jealous of Tanaka for making out with Kiyoko," Atsumu joins the bandwagon. "I don't think there could be a clearer motive here, Daichi."

"No!" Noya yells. "Fuck, like you're one to talk right now, 'Tsumu!"

"Well, it does make sense," Aone murmurs from behind you.

"What else am I supposed to think?!" Tanaka shouts back at him. "There is so much evidence pointing at you, Noya! You were fucking her behind my back!"

"What are you guys talking about?" Tsukishima uncharacteristically joins in. "No, it doesn't make any sense. He would have just killed Tanaka so he could have Kiyoko to himself. If they loved each other, he has no reason to kill her."

Tanaka gulps at the thought. "Really?" he says as he looks down at Noya.

"No, you idiot! Fuck, you should know I would never kill anyone. What the fuck was I supposed to do, tell you that the reason she didn't want to marry you is because we've been seeing each other, oh, and by the way, she's dead downstairs in the bed where you were just hooking up behind my back?!"

"How the fuck do we still have no leads?" Kuroo grumbles. "What are we going to do?"

"Well, obviously it was one of us," Bokuto nods.

"What if it was more than one of us," you gulp. "It's possible that the others are covering for each other. They could even be covering up evidence so we'll never find them."

Daichi then looks at you worriedly. But before he gets the chance to say anything to you, Yachi steals your attention. She puts her hand in yours and gives you an attempted smile. "Don't worry, Y/N," she tells you. "We'll figure this out."

You smile back at her. At least someone's confident.

Suga then shakes his head. "We need to come up with a new plan. This isn't working."

A moment later, Semi bursts into the room next, exclaiming, "I've got a lead!"

Only in Whispers

2 notes · View notes

symptoms-syndrome · 1 year ago

Note

7, 16, 19. No pressure to answer if you dont want to!

Ofc! Thank you for the asks 💕

7. What is a resource you’ve found you can trust?

Ummm I'm not sure. I don't want to trust any one resource 100% just because I know there are biases in everything and information can be hard to convey straight. I'm mostly focusing on my own experience right now to be honest. I don't want to get caught in the weeds of theory and stuff. And opinion pieces can sometimes suck. I trust my friends, I trust myself, I trust my therapist. Right now I'm just treading water. Once I start actively swimming towards something again I'll probably be more reliant on resources again. Generally I trust books as a medium more than anything else, since they have the space to fully elaborate, cite sources, give context, etc. that videos, podcasts, blogs, etc do not. Plus they were probably (emphasis on the probably, bc I've seen some shit books out there) reviewed by somebody with more knowledge than me.

16. How does having a dissociative disorder affect your relationships to the people closest to you?

That's the big question isn't it.

Real answer: I'm not sure. I wish I knew more.

Speculatively, and making sure I am fair to myself, I think it's a little extra work but I'm not sure how much. I'm sure it's both helped and not helped by the fact that I refuse to let anyone carry any burden for me or help me usually. I'm independent to a fault and I'm sure that causes problems but solves others.

I worry about it a lot. I don't want it to be hard, but I suppose that's unavoidable. I need to put trust in my friends that they're loyal and loving and will care about me regardless, and I'm working on it. It's a slow process.

19. How do you experience gender?

I dunno, I gave up on it a while ago. I don't really think about it. My gender is like. Whatever people wanna say it is, I'm like the psychic paper of transness. I don't think that anyone has assigned a gender to me that upset me for at least a few years. I don't have gender dysphoria anymore. I've been assumed to be cis and trans man and woman and in between and I never really correct anyone because I don't feel any particular attachment to any particular gender. I don't tuck and I only occasionally bind, though both of those are mostly due to laziness. I'm just vibing I guess.

#asks

5 notes · View notes

nonesensegibberish · 2 months ago

Text

Nine months

I guess my last post was nine months ago, or thereabouts. To make it easier for future-me: 9/21/24 is the current date. Do you remember? The 21st night of September? Im still alive. I wanted to say 'despite my best efforts', but that wouldn't be true. I've managed to keep from having any new attempts. Not even any cutting. Its good. I should be happy about that. I dunno. I feel like I should be happier. Thats what I was coming here to mumble and whine about. I'm better than I once was, truely. I'm doing more and more often... Maybe not in comparison to january. Maybe I was better in january... But I think I'm better than I was january of LAST year, at the very least. I have more friends than I once did, and closer ones at that. Ones that I dont feel like a burden around. I have FANS. Can you believe that? Honest-to-god *fans*. It feels like I should be closer to what I've always dreamed- than I ever have been before. So why do I still feel empty? I'm running out of HRT. My insurance is gone. I'm having to use crypto to buy DIY estrogen over a shady website. But some people, kind as can be, have chipped in to help me pay for it. God- the entire MONTH of august- I was given so much by people who are so kind. I gave incentive, sure. I made it feel like a transaction for my own sanity. But still. People liked me THAT much. So why do I feel unloved and useless? I'm 'working'. I'm doing decent things. I'm helping where I can. So why am I still a failure? I dont know. It feels like I'll never be meaningfully happy. It feels like nothing will ever truely go alright, or if it does I wont ever be able to appreciate it. It hasn't been all roses. This entire year has felt like non-stop strain and suffering. My dog is dead. My grandpa is dead. We have a new dog who I cant find it in me to love. My family is falling apart. I continue to be a drain, who cant work to save her life. I don't know. It feels like the slightest things set me off, now. A slamming door, a raised voice. I nearly exploded and broke down just from dropping some food. I'm getting constant headaches and tiredness. I don't know. I just want it to stop. I want things to go alright for a little while. I'll live. I will. I just hate myself sometimes, and this life I live. I want everything to be better. The happy days feel so temporary and slight. It is what it is. I dont know what I even am saying anymore. I dont know what the point of all this was- if it had one. I just want to scream into the void, but I don't want to bother anyone. Having a fanbase is kind of hard. I want to say things. I want to scream from the rooftops. I want to be allowed to be vulerable and drop my guard. I want to be able to vent my frustrations publicly. Thats why this is here, I guess. I don't know why you're reading this. In all likelyhood- no one else ever will. But YOU still are, me. You'll read this later down the line- some other day. Why. What do you get out of it? Will you be looking on with pity? Will you be a better person than I am right now? Will you be sad for the life you used to live? Or will you be looking with anger and frustration? Annoyed as I suck on my silver spoon, and cry at the taste of it? Is it worse? Are you worse off? Is life even harder? I hope it isn't. Im so sorry if it is. You deserve love. We both do. I hope Lexi is still tolerating us. I hope mom is always going to be healthy. I hope dad is better. I hope our friends still are our friends. I hope that you aren't the me that looks on with envy at who I am right now. I'm sorry that I'm not better. I'm sorry. I want to be, but I'm weak. Too weak. I want to be appreciative of what I have, but its never enough.

Do you still like Porter Robinson and tabletop games? Do you still have Jack, and Liz, and Sarah, and all the others? Do you love yourself? I hope you do. I hope you are everything I wish to be. ... If you're reading this, and you aren't me...? Well... Then I'm sorry. That must have been meaningless to you. But it cant be any less meaningful than any of the rest of this, can it...? I don't know. Maybe you get something out of it. Maybe it somehow helps. I hope it does. I hope you're doing okay, whoever you are. I hope the world is kind to you. I hope the world is kind to all of us.

Goodbye for now. Maybe I'll see you in 9 to 10 more months.

-A thing which is... 20% or 50% dying.

0 notes

kiara66 · 5 months ago

Text

I watched half of Delicious in Dungeon

And here's my honest review and when I say review I mean rambling about stuff

Will have spoilers ofc

So I just stop watching it like even 10 minutes ago probably from writing this. Along with that I have a terrible memory and I've been doing this since 1/2 something AM to 6 AM so tiredness might be getting me a bit, but doesn't matter

The show was pretty good in my opinion. I love the characters, the silly dynamics, the animation but here's something I don't really take the time to appreciate often world building! And I don't just mean lower because I always appreciate lore I mean like little stuff like explaining the dungeon ecosystem, and giving little facts about certain creatures or explain how they work by using other animals as references. Even something simple like saying people used to mine in the dungeons for gold goes with the lore, and world building! Feels very thought out, and its own world which is great!

Yet let's back to the characters real quick. Laios he sure an interesting one. I know a lot of people really like this guy but I didn't get it at first. I didn't dislike him. I was very neutral on him. Tho when he said stuff like it's lucky his sister got eaten because they can have sherbet. That was something... but during the last few episodes I watched his character was becoming more interesting and likable to me so I started to like him a bit more. Honestly I feel like his character is going to become more interesting from now on which is a very good sign and maybe I'll finally fully get the hype.

Shenshi it's also an interesting one, but I definitely did like him more than Laios. I thought he was very interesting especially with his genuine interest in the dungeon, and all the monsters inhabiting it. Also something I haven't really mentioned the show is unlike a lot of other anime it doesn't really have many fanservice moments so far and the only panty shots we ever get is from this guy. He's all doing us a service. I want to say more but words are not with me right now and I'm not sure how to describe him so we move on.

Chilpchuck which is a very stupid name but probably a species thing. He's a fun guy and has his cool moments. Honestly out of all the main characters I saw him the least. The most exposure I got was an edit to Short King, and honestly he lives up to it. That sword to the dragon's eye was very epic but I'm still wondering how Laios knew about it since he was running away when it happened but hey continuity am I right? He just got a spunk to him and I really like the character when I actually got more of it. I'm still not sure what species he is though he's very small but he's definitely not a dwarf. I'm certain it's been at least mentioned once but I don't remember.

Macille I can see her being very annoying to some people but for me I loved her. I get it she will complained, she was very squeamish, blah blah, but I did find her fun especially with other characters also the reveal of ancient blood magic was great but we'll get into. The moments of showing her struggle of worring about being a burden being showed a few times was very nice I liked it. Besides that her friendship in the past with Falin was very nice and they're absolutely cuties! Also her just dedication to try to get Falin back even when she was not in the great state said a lot about her character and it was great.

Falin I basically fell in love with her (/p) when I saw her in those flashbacks. She's just such a cutie yet a bit reckless it seemed. I will be honest I was technically spoiled that she was alive, but when I saw that skeleton I thought I gaslighted myself. It hurt more since I had so much hope that she would be there and she wasn't! Yet it's all good because forbidden blood magic, tho at first I didn't realize she was red because of all the blood so I thought she wasn't formed which honestly I kind of wish she just stayed like that but eh. The best way I can describe her is "this character is so cute. Oh she a little fuck up actually" Also along with that I knew Macille was gay, but I wasn't expecting Falin for some reason. Oh yes let me just have a bath with my girl best friend as I tried to hold her hand to give her magic, and we so happen to be forced to sleep in the same bed. If they're not dating by the end of the season I'm rioting.

Honestly I wasn't sure what was next at first since they were at the red dragon, and that seemed like it would be the end of at least the first season, but no we got like 11 so episodes to go. If I had to guess it's definitely something to do with those gnome guys or whatever and our little traumatized party probably trying to get some money since Chilpchuck mentioned something about that. Of course with exploring more characters like that guy that apparently wanted to marry Falin. He's going to have the rudest awakening of his life.

Anyway good show good intro, good outro. Hopefully I will watch the rest before I can't anymore since I have a very bad time at not doing things even if I want to. Like I watched the first episode almost a month ago so I remember nothing of the first episode really.

#delicious in dungeon #my post #text

1 note · View note

truestthoughts · 7 months ago

Text

Be Kind.

Hey, Lovies.

I am here to allow my thoughts to finally be heard.

As someone who struggles with mental health, just like everyone else who are - we have our good days & bad days, but honestly in most cases, like mine for example; my good days only look good because I have taught myself over the years how to make a bad day look like a good day. How to smile & help others while i'm dying inside. I have helped so many people all the while my world was crashing down. I have dropped everything for everyone. No matter how bad I was feeling or whatever I was going through, I have always managed to put my own problems/emotions to the side to be able to help everyone else...why? because, my thoughts are 'no matter how badly I'm struggling to keep myself happy, I would rather see everyone else around me happier.' I've always been so selfish when it came to my own happiness & own health, I have always wanted more for others but not for myself. I've seen so many people struggling, but I've never been the one to just ignore them. I use my own experiences to help others & when they find out what I've gone through, they get a better understanding of why I am the way I am & even more shocked at the fact that with everything I went through, I am still here today & helping others instead of my own healing.

I have said this so many times before, that I would never ever wish what I have gone through or going through on anyone, not even my worst enemy.

I struggle with putting myself first & with that, comes disappointment & a lot of it. I begin to hate myself & question my own self worth, not because I regret helping anyone - its because, when I finally build up the courage to ask for help (which a lot of people who struggle with mental health...this is the hardest thing to do) NOT ONE PERSON is ever there or they don't know how to be helpful. Like I said, I don't regret helping others, I just regret thinking that they would also help me when i'm in my time of need. I blame myself for expecting the same LOVE I give out to others to be given back to me in my time of need. But, I have learned that not everyone is the same & not everyone gives out the same love we do. We love so hard that little things affect us more than the next person. We hear one small thing or see one little thing & we easily become triggered, we become so angry & we start to think negatively of ourselves. But, do the people understand? Do they know what's going on in your head or what you're going through? No, more than likely they'll think that were just blowing things out of proportion but, they don't really know what's going on deeply. We struggle to ask for help because we automatically assume that no one will be able to understand or help us. Whenever we did ask for any help from people whom we thought could help & we thought we could trust; either we are judged, they made/make us feel worst than what we already were & last but not least - we become unheard, a burden, a bother or left asking more about our own worth.

There aren't much people anyone can really run to, even parents sometimes can't help or make you feel worst. We don't feel free to open up to anyone, all they can do is tell you things that they think you wanna hear, but that's not always the answer. As for me, I like to help people & I am so straight forward to them, i'd rather be honest & hurt them rather than make them happy with lies or feed them with words that they wanna hear. As for me, I have tried pills & seeing therapists. But, I have never completed any of those treatments. For one, I never wanted to rely on pills/medications & I have never depended on therapists either.

This is my opinion on those things, people may have other opinions on it & will definitely not agree with me, but this is just my own. It may help or it may not, I am not forcing anyone to do things the way I do. Anyways, with pills - no matter how much different ones I've tried, I never liked the way it made me feel & my thoughts honestly were worst. All the pills did to me was, it helped me to sleep - but, that's just a temporary fix for a semi-permanent problem. I woke up feeling worst than I did before going to bed. There were days of wanting to do worst. So, I stopped it. I began to tell myself that, its mind over matter. It helped a little, it was tough - but, I kept fighting the urge to reach for the pills. It didn't happen over night...matter fact it took me a while, a long while to believe that I can do it without needing pills. I did it, but of course like every other person - I ended up being back on the pills under worst circumstances, but I was able to get off of it again. (more in a different blog)

Next, is therapy. Again, this is my own opinion.

My thing with therapy is, it works for some & it doesn't for others. Which is fine, a lot of people are ashamed to say that they see therapists because they feel people will look at them like they're crazy or something is wrong with them...but, to some - therapy is their only way out & it helps them out a lot. I am a very open person & I really didn't mind telling people that I was in therapy & I just didn't mind what others were saying because I was doing something for myself to get better. That's all that mattered to me during that time. & although it helped other people, it wasn't for me. I came to a realization that it wasn't for me when one therapy session (this was an over the phone session during COVID) I felt just like an assignment or a study. In the beginning of my session that day, my therapists had a medical student with her during that time to observe & all that, which is completely understandable. & I didn't mind it, but what I really didnt appreciate was that - my own therapists told me that she would turn the session over to the med student. In that moment, I just didn't feel comfortable anymore. First of all, I was still trying to get comfortable talking to my therapist & then, that happened. After the call, I had to send an email to that therapist. It may not have been the right thing to do, but it felt right to me. I said to her this...

I am grateful for your time & your efforts you've put in during my time of need. However, I will not be continuing my sessions effective immediately. If you don't mind me asking, have you ever gone through what I have? or are you just taking what you learned from school to help? I understand you worked hard at school to get educated on helping others who've gone through experiences such as this or even worst. However, who are you to be giving me help on something you've never experienced before? During our few fast sessions, all I heard was positive things being told to me about how nothing was my fault or I am worthy, etc. But, those are things that we wanna hear, not what WE NEED to hear. at this point, you're just building me up with words of encouragement which is very helpful - but, you're not really getting deeper into it as to what may have caused everything. I appreciate all the good words you'd say about me, but during our times - all I heard was that & nothing about anything else. It was just telling me I'm strong & I'm worthy. Its all mind games, you're feeding me with words from what you learned in school, but you've never told me what my mistakes were & what I need to do to believe that i'm worthy & strong. You never gave me advice on how I was in the wrong & to correct my wrongs.

That's the basic of the email, but I cut my sessions - was I in the wrong for that? Maybe. But, did I do the right thing by allowing myself to express my thoughts/feelings? I believe so. Since, then I have never seen a therapist - instead I started to self heal. I isolated myself a lot & I did cut off a lot of toxic people from my life & it definitely did help. I took it a day at a time, i struggled for sure - but, the reward of it all is that I was doing it on my own & not dependent on medications or a therapy. I still am going through it til this day, but over time - I found many different ways to get through the tough days. Sometimes it works & most days it doesn't, but as long as you keep trying & find different ways to help you - that's what makes you strong. You keep fighting & trying to fight the bad days.

Its okay to isolate yourself from the world, because we do live in a cruel world now. The expectations from society that we have to be perfect all the time, the hate/critics out there who will bring you down. Social media has become such a BIG INFLUENCE on everyone now days that we all wanna be just like those content creators, but, what we have to remember is that - on social media, people only post what they want to & only the positive things, but in reality behind the scenes -- we don't know what really goes on. That's why we should always BE KIND, whether it be online or in reality life. We don't know what type of struggle anyone is going through. That person hating could be possibly going through something & is just projecting their own problems/insecurities on you because they don't know how else to deal with their issues. When you're faced with someone like that, don't react/retaliate by giving them a taste of their own medicine, instead - offer a helping hand & let them know that its okay to have bad days because there are brighter days ahead. Let it be known that they are not alone & that you are there if ever they need help. Don't force them open up, because that'll put too much pressure on them which will push them away more. Instead, just let them know that when they are ready to talk about it, you'll be there to listen.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE. REACH OUT, whenever you're ready.

Thank you, LOVIES.

Keep your heads up. Stay positive, ALWAYS. You are loved. You are worthy & deserving of it all, PLUS MORE.

I love you all <3

--Mercy Rose

#positive mental attitude #mental health #experience #love yourself #mentalhealthmatters

0 notes

vierandancer · 9 months ago

Text

"You all right, lass?"

Perhaps she was being overly familiar with the teen, but there was something about Minfilia that reminded the Meiko of herself. Particularly, it was the way she was overly prepared for anything and everything -- and the seemingly low self-esteem.

It was hard to go through life like that. Mei didn't wish it on anyone, let alone a child with as big a destiny as hers.

"Oh, Meiko," Minfilia looked up, having been found staring off into space -- or, more specifically, in the direction of the chamber known as the Darker. "Yes, I'm fine. I was only just thinking of the ritual in which the Night's Blessed say their goodbyes." She folded her arms, absently hugging herself with reassurance. "It's a sad ritual and yet it brings them so much peace. It's very beautiful."

"Aye, it is." Meiko nodded. After a moment ot internal debate, she paused to rest a hand upon the teen's shoulder. "Ritual rites aside, though. What of you, y'know -- as a person? S'a lot o'shite we've been barrelin' through as of late. Sineaters an' Lightwardens, an' fuckin' Emet-Selch... " If he was around, she wanted him to hear how annoyed she was by his presence. "What's goin' through your mind? If you don't mind me askin', o'course."

Minfilia looked at her, almost at a loss for words. It wasn't a strange question, but one she was not used to receiving. What was she thinking at this moment, after all that had unfolded these past few days? She had to give it some thought, but Meiko waited patiently as always. Alisaie had once described the Viis -- Viera -- in passing as an older sister to just about everyone, and she could feel that, too.

"I'm...I'm feeling very overwhelmed, if I'm honest," she ventured, but added almost immediately, "Not that I can't go on! I've faced plenty of Sineaters before, and --"

"Aye, never said you couldn't," Meiko interrupted her gently, shaking her head. "You're allowed to feel overwhelmed, lass. And just that. No one's out here doubtin' your strength or dedication, I promise. Not without answerin' to me, at least."

Minfilia hesitated, then sighed and looked down at the ground.

"I am very overwhelmed," she confessed quietly. "I want to do more, but I've never had a teacher to give me guidance on what to do. Thancred taught me to defend myself, but I always feel like I'm behind everyone else in battle. And I'm tired, and scared, and..." She choked, her words coming to a halt as she put her face in her hands. She wasn't crying -- not yet -- but she was visibly upset. "I just feel like I should be leading, but all I ever do is get dragged around!"

Twelve's sakes, had someone compounded all of her insecurities into this poor girl? If Meiko didn't know better, she may have guessed she was yet another aspect of her inner self -- much like Myste and Fray. But no. Minnie was her own person with her own fucked up destiny. If only Meiko could absorb all of that nonsense, too, in addition to the Light.

"Well, if it's any consolation," Meiko placed a hand on Minfilia's shoulder, smile soft and wry. "S'hard for anyone t'lead a group like th'Scions, where everyone's a hero in their own way. Gods know I barely bother most days, save for this situation."

She gave the blonde's shoulder a squeeze.

"I've felt all you've described, too. As recent as a few weeks prior, even! Like some sorta impostor who's not meant t'be runnin' w'people like th'Scions. Even now, bein' hailed as a Warrior Of Darkness makes me wanted to curl up like a bug."

"M'sure that's not quite comfortin' to hear for anyone else dependin' on me, but it's the truth. Pretendin' otherwise won't suddenly make me feel better. An' even if it's not a popular stance, sharin' when you feel weak's an advantage, too. 'Cause then others can know where you need help."

Minfilia looked up at her, listening intently. When the other finished, she let out a little sigh and shut her eyes.

"I'm just so tired of feeling like a burden," she confessed quietly.

"An' when did you start feelin' that way?" Meiko guessed. "S'cause o'Thancred?"

Minfilia's head snapped up suddenly. "No, no! Not at all! I mean -- I just --"

"Your situation's not gonna ruin our friendship, Minnie," Meiko soothed. "I've a decent handle on what he's been goin' through, too. He's not had it easy, long before you two even met. An' I ache for what he's fightin' with, but that doesn't mean his struggle dismisses yours."

"But he and Y'shtola argued because of me," she protested. "He's stalked off just now and -- and what if something happens to him while he's out there alone?"

Meiko had worried about that, too. But... "If something is to happen to him out there, Minnie, it's because he chose to put himself in th'situation. Sounds cold, I know, but I've enough faith in him t'believe he'll be back."

And he would be. She wasn't even sure if he had even left the vicinity of Slitherbough. He could've been brooding away in one of the caves, or lingering in the trees. Maybe he was listening in on their conversation even now.

"You care for him a lot, don't you?" she murmured.

"...He saved me." Minfilia admitted. "He taught me how to protect myself. I know it's just because of--"

"Nuh uh. None o'that, Mins," Meiko stopped her. "M'sure he went t'save you because o'your predecessor, aye. Can't say I'd do different in his shoes. But you are not the original Minfilia. An' Thancred knows that. M'sure he knew it within minutes o'your first meetin', and yet he still sought to take care o'you. Heroic endeavors aside, he does care. Even if he's too wrapped up in his guilt and trauma t'make it clear. If he didn't care, he wouldn't be as bloody tortured as he is."

The teen only gave a noncommittal sigh. She clearly wasn't fully convinced. But that was okay.

"But I know s'not me you need t'hear that from, so no worries," she concluded. "He'll come 'round. Hopefully sooner rather than later. Regardless, I just want t'make sure you know no one'll judge you for bein' sad or scared. 'Cause the shite we're goin' through's for sure bloody terrifyin'."

Slowly, Minfilia looked up at her and gave a slow nod, as well as a tiny glimpse of a smile.

"Thank you, Meiko."

#memories.#shadowbringers.

0 notes

searchupthisblog · 1 year ago

Text

A few weeks ago I told my therapist that I think I'm trans

She responded well

I don't know what I expected, she seems pretty open minded

After I told her I fought with it for a week, until our next session

I told her about my struggle with backtracking, taking three steps back for every one step forward every time I tell someone I'm trans or make a step towards being truer to myself

She told me she thought I was definitely some sort of queer

It made me feel better

Since then, the heavy burden on my shoulders, the burden of knowing yourself but being too afraid to be that person, has been lighter

Being trans has been less scary this week, for the first time in a very long time, I almost feel proud again

It's a very fragile proud, I'm still afraid, I'm holding it like a tiny bird egg in my hands, but it's not nothing

Today I looked at the instagram page for my cousins wife, she is a person I deeply dislike

My cousin is one of the best people I know, kind and compassionate, selfless and honest, funny and loving, he's everything a person would hope to be and more

He's was also the perfect boyfriend, and now perfect husband, and his wife prances around with him like he's her prize, her trophy husband, she says in all her instagram posts how they were "meant to be" she makes a big show out of how perfect their relationship is, and I can't help but think my cousin doesn't look completely happy, he looks a little empty

I wish I liked her like everyone else, I wish I could buy into the delusion, but for me it's impossible not to notice her metaphorical death grip on his arm, the incredibly inappropriate levels of jealousy, the control

She reminds me of his Mother

His Mother loves her

I hate his Mother

It struck me after looking at this girls instagram, that when I look at the social media profiles of the girls I used to know, I feel lesser. I feel sad, and on some subconcious level, like I've failed at being a woman.

I feel a lot of joy when looking at fellow trans peoples pages and art, I love seeing how happy they look in their timeline photos, but when I look at these trans people after looking at these girls pages, I feel the need to reject me being trans. The joy I felt 5 minutes earlier feels contaminated. Mckenna's getting married, Makayla's having a baby, Emily is buying her first house, and I'm sitting in this limbo.

Chronically sick, trans and confused about where I'm supposed to go and what I'm supposed to be.

I'm not embarrassed about the person I've become, quite the contrary, I like myself now hundreds of times more than I liked myself when I was friends with these people. I wouldn't give up the skills and empathy and lessons I've learned for their easily consumable lives and personalities ever. And yet, the insecurity creeps in. The realization that I will never be a normal girl in any sense of that concept, tightens around me in the most uncomfortable way. Wouldn't it be easier if I were like that? Couldn't I grow my hair out again, and start wearing makeup again? I could restart my collection of pushup bras and thongs that I hated, I could get myself the most divine boyfriend and show him off to all my friends. And then I'd feel empty. But it would be simple, wouldn't it? My life would have no substance, and I could just sit in it. And then I could raise children who also grow up to live substanceless lives they can sit in.

Accept, I can't have children.

And the idea of being a mans girlfriend makes me want to shed my skin and run away into some forest somewhere and never come back.

Having long hair made me feel bad about myself every day, and I didn't like what I saw in the mirror until I cut it all off.

Pushup bras hurt my ribs, and I hate when my chest isn't at least somewhat flat.

I miss makeup, I'll say that, I miss the days where it didn't give me dysphoria, I miss when I could put on eyeliner without crying afterwards, I loved the routine of makeup it made me feel good, but alas. It is something different now. Maybe, someday, I will be able to put it on without feeling like I'm being forced into a horrible ugly costume.

0 notes

holdingonjournal · 1 year ago

Text

date : july 22nd, 2023 | 17:02 IST

i don't usually think in great detail. mostly my mind is a jumbled mess and i only understand or make sense of thoughts I'm thinking in a way as if I'm underwater.

it's almost like i need someone to interpret my thoughts for me, because i don't understand what they mean.

sometimes i wonder if that is why i went to the therapist that day. mostly it was because i knew i would end up killing myself after my bestest fandom friend offed herself and that was probably me asking for help to keep myself alive.

sometimes i wish i hadn't asked for that help. but most of the time i am glad i did, because i still had too many people's lives tangled with mine. if i'd killed myself, i know i would have hurt them. so i kept myself alive.

today, the thoughts came up slowly, so they were not as much of a jumbled mess.

i told myself, if you don't open your mouth, if you don't let them see the real you — the one that's incapable of change and is unloveable because you do not love something like this that is this much rotten down to the core — then they won't be affected. then you won't hurt them, because you don't know how to stop hurting them otherwise whether it was meant intentionally or accidentally.

i know the people who have known me all my life, they have seen what is underneath. and most don't like it. i've been told so.

i have parts to me that are not acceptable. by those who birthed me or by those who associated with me. it's like i have to be a hundred different people to be with them because i love them. regardless of what they do or did to me, i love them and i do not want to lose them. so i pretended to be whatever they wanted. i did not want to disappoint.

and i realised before, but i've only thought it out loud today, that if i keep my mouth shut, keep people at a distance, keep them in my life but take myself out of theirs, with enough time, i'll be forgotten.

they will forget that i once used to ask for help by making cryptic tweets, by apologising for hurting them, by sending them sad songs, by telling them how much i love them,

and in doing so, i'd pull them back into the mess that was my life, that was my survival instinct, me begging someone to say a few nice words to save me that day.

and i only realise this now, but i've lived my life for these people. I've been what society expects me to be, what my parents and friends expect me to be, but inside, i've always been a mess of everything they expected and everything i was not.

so i just want my death to be mine. it's the only thing that is still mine.

one day, when I'm ready, when i've lived till at least 31 to see what my bestie missed, when i've let go of my survival instinct and i know i won't ask for anyone to save me, because i'll know they have finally let me go,

i'll embrace this part of me.

my death has to be mine. i can't let it belong to anyone else. i can't let anyone else grieve for the life i did not want to live.

it's a nice thought though. it gives me hope that i'll reach there one day and i'll be brave enough to do it.

(i uninstalled most of my socmed apps today. you realise that if you don't leave a data trail, most people won't be able to find you these days. i also don't want to fling my burden on the friends i'd made through fandom. i don't want them to see this. i don't want to disappoint. so i'll go as quietly as possible. i did see that they got worried. so i apologised. as i usually do. but to be honest, if they think I'm dead, at least they'll stop looking for me i guess. so there's that. )

that's enough for today i think. thank you for listening.

0 notes

sunshine-omega · 3 years ago

Note

Hi! I hope you're doing well today! I'm a alpha and recently I've sent out a advertisement to start my own pack on a miscecanis discord server. Although now I'm kind of panicking because I haven't seen a lot of content on being a good pack leader 😅 i was wondering if you have seen any posts about such a thing? Or have any advice yourself?

first of all, I’m SO sorry for how long it took me to reply to you. So much burnout from winter term 😅 but I hope things have gone well with your pack-forming!

second, I took a look for other posts about being a pack leader. I know I’ve seen some but they were old and i couldn’t find them :( so instead I put together all my thoughts and asked some friends from a miscecanis discord server. Here’s what I’ve got!

(also disclaimer: I’ve never been in a pack, but I’ve been in plenty of relationships and friend groups, so I’ve had my share of successes and failures with all that to learn from. Hopefully you find this helpful)

How to be a good pack leader

Boundary setting

The big things that come to mind for me are time and dealing with heavy feelings

Work out some boundaries around time. You can’t always be there, so what is reasonable? If people are demanding fast responses from pack members all the time, that’s not healthy and sustainable

You aren’t personally responsible for everyone’s wellbeing

This isn’t just for your well-being, it’s also for the sake of your pack members. When you take on too much emotional burden, it creates tension that affects everyone. Instead, as a pack leader set a precedent for healthy mutual support, coping strategies, boundaries, etc

Facilitation

Talk with your pack about what they would like the leader’s role to be, and what roles they hope to play and to see from the pack

Consider some structure, but don’t make it a hard rule—people have things to do out there

By structure I mean things like daily check ins, weekly activities, scheduled events, etc.

It would also be a good idea to start a conversation about what miscecanis means to the pack and how they want to express that

Omg if I had a pack I'd love to do pack ‘scenting’ time where you say nice things about each other and stuff aaaa

Advice from my server:

On structure: “Not all Packs have a leader or hierarchical structure and don't have to. The Possums don't have any particular order. It should also (in my opinion at least) be laid out on the table if the Pack Leader thing is gonna be a role they always have or is something voted on, inherited, etc. And how the order is going to be established (dynamic? Age? Etc?). It's also important to remind them that a Pack is a community, so if things get hard you don't have to be a Leader all the time, everyone takes care of each other no matter what. A leader should also make sure everyone's voice is heard. Pack expectations might be good to set out from the get-go to so everyone can be honest with their feelings and needs. A Misce thing to add might be deciding on 1 particular thing as a 'Pack Scent'. For example, everyone has their own scent of course but it also has this specific herb scent involved bc they're in that Pack.”

On activities: "We've talked about doing mystery game nights together, and playing TTRPGs at some point (cries in scheduling shdkwsja). Most of what we do is chatting. We talk about life, joke about each other (few of us can cook, some of use don't care...one of us is legally not allowed near an oven.), we talk about what a Pack House would be like, we have a billion channels and somehow use all of them lol, we talk about how much we wish we could make food for each other (we talk about food a lot don't we;;), we love rambling about our interests/fixations, we love hearing about each other's interests/fixations, we share playlists we've made just to each other, anything just to kind of have an excuse to talk and virtually be around each other. The most important thing about being a Pack is that you feel happy and contented even just to be if that makes sense, lol, at least to me."

~ @omegaverse-dollhouse

“Most people I've seen who implement a pack hierarchy don't have Just One Leader- they'll have the pack head, head alpha, head omega, head beta (less common but does exist), and/or some sort of second in command, as well as other roles depending on the pack. Just one person taking on all the responsibilities of a pack can be overwhelming!”

~@miscellaneous-miscecanis

I really hope your pack forming goes well!

#miscecanis #misceanimalis #sunny post #sunny guides #a/b/o #omegaverse #a/b/o lifestyle #omegaverse lifestyle #alpha beta omega #alpha #beta #omega #miscecanis pack #miscecanis packs #asks

42 notes · View notes

ladywinterwitch · 3 years ago

Text

Run Away (Ten - Strangers)

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Avenger! Reader

Summary: You and Steve complete each other. Your love is that strong and devoted kind of love that pushes people to things like marriage, making a family. You couldn't imagine that a baby would be something you really wished, until the possibility wasn't your choice anymore.

Warnings: pregnancy talk, fluff, A N G S T, I think that's it??

Words Count: 3739

A/n: Next chapter is longer and INTENSE

Series masterlist , main masterlist

(GIF not mine)

Y/n and Steve ended up falling asleep, which was a bit embarassing especially on his part. In the end tho they woke up around two in the afternoon and were starving. You also thought about the fact that Helen must've already set in by now. After cleaning up a bit and getting redressed the two actually went to separate directions, Steve to the gym because he had a bunch of new recruits to train by three sharp, while Y/n was heading to the kitchen.

-FRIDAY, would you call up ms Simon for me?- she found Tony, Vision and Thor in the common room so she quickly greeted them.

-Hey guys, taking a break?- she smiled when Thor got up to greet her properly. He was such a physical and affectionate person. He reminded her of a golden retriever; huge, with long hair and a heart of gold. Your smile widened when he bent down to press his ear to her belly.

-Well yes darling, do you forget that aside from kicking some ass every now and then we're basically jobless?- Tony joked. Both he and Vision were looking at you two.

-How is your pregnancy going, Y/n?- Vision asked in his posh and polite manner. She tilted her head to the side. Thor still touching the smooth and round surface. She didn't mind at all.

-It's going smoothly, thank you. Tho if I have to be honest I can't wait to at least give birth. I love my belly but it's so complicated to live with. I also miss actually moving around and exiting the tower. I don't think I've ever been so still and babyed in my life.-

-If it was an easy job, God wouldn't have gave it to women.- they all turn around when you hear an unfamiliar voice, which they soon found out to be Helen's. Thor stands straight in all his tallness and gets in front of her protectively.

-Who are you?- he asks suspiciously. She put a hand on his arm to calm him down.

-It's okay, Thor. This is Helen Simon, she's my new midwife. The one me and Steve hired this morning.- her head turns quickly to Tony then back to Helen. Tony stands up, fixing the invisible fold in his tracksuit pants and smugly walks to the older woman.

-Stark. Tony Stark. I actually hired you, but I'll let the happy couple have the glory.- he joked and you shook your head amused. They shook hands and then Vision introduced himself as well. Thor just acknowleged her with a nod. It's not like the God of Thunder had to introduce himself.

-Okay guys, see you later. I'm starving so.- you decided to cut it, but obviously Tony had to sneak in a joke. Had to.

-I'm sure cap worn you out.- Thor, which didn't know what timing was, bless his heart, decided to burst out laughing. You rolled your eyes not looking back.

-Jealousy doesn't match with your shoes Anthony.- you clapped back, still hearing Thor laugh and Tony calling him out.

A few feet down the corridor there was the kitchen, and when Y/n finally tought that her and Helen could have a minute alone, they found Wanda intently reading a book while she mover her finger around to spin the teaspoon in a mug. She looked up when they entered the room. Her finger stopped working and so did the spoon, the faint magenta colored aura disappearing.

-Hello?- she said, tentatively. Y/n ignored her cold stare and walked to the fridge taking out the leftover chicken and some salad to mix.

-She's Helen, the midwife me and Steve talked about.- there was a subtle warning in Y/n's voice. She thought 'Be nice' in her mind, and when Wanda sighed she knew she read her mind.

-Nice to meet you. If you'll excuse m- - Wanda was about to get up from the stool but the old woman's voice stopped her.

-You aren't eating that chicken cold are you? How old is it?- she walked closer, grabbing the plastic box from her hands. Both her and Wanda were a little taken aback by her bluntness, and shared a look.

-Uh..Yeah? I was actually going to put it in the salad. And it's..I'm not sure, a couple of days old? Still perfectly fresh and untouched.- she answered trying to reassure her, but she wasn't having it at all.

-This isn't eating healthy. If you want a healthy baby you need to eat properly. I'll take care of your meals from now on. - she stated, putting the box aside. - The non pregnant teammates can risk getting sick with that chicken. - Wanda's gaze darkened and her eyes took a light shade of red.

-What's that supposed to mean, old lady? - Y/n saw her fingers starting to move around with the corner of her eye and put her own hand on hers.

-Helen didn't mean anything, Wanda. She just meant that I have to be extra careful in comparison to the rest of you, ok? Don't you have to be somewhere right now?- she asked in the most calm way. The last hting she needed was Wanda yeeting Helen out of the tower on the first day. Wanda closed and picked up her book and mug, walking towards the exit of the kitchen.

-I mean, I'd like to go to the terrace to chill, but I can't.- Y/n frowned while sitting on a stool. Meanwhile Helen had already started to inspect their whole frige.

-I can feel Bucky and his girl going at it so yeah, I did not plan to watch a live performance.- she choked on water and the old lady turned around with a rather disgusted face. Wanda just shrugged and left them. The girl turned towards the older woman with an awkward smile.

-Welcome I guess.- the short fake laugh was over as soon as Helen sat in front of her, her hands conjoined in front of her.

-This isn't good.- the girl shifted uncomfortably, then uncosciously starting to rub her belly as a sign of comfort.

-What isn't?- the lady sighed. -First off, there are way too many people here. This place is chaotic, the people aren't giving you the peace that you need. This isn't a baby-space. At all. I just looked into your frigde and there isn't a single thing ready or 100% healthy probably except vegetables. Y/n if you want to be a good mother and be healthy for your baby you need to change a few things.- her words at first irritated her, setting off her protectiveness towards the people she called family, but then as she went on, she made her feel little. Like a little girl who wasn't good enough. She sighed silently.

-What would you have me do then?- she asked. Helen shrugged, still mantaining her perfect posture.

-I'm not gonna suggest you to buy a new place, because where you'll live after the baby is born is your business, but..- she paused, -I can offer you to come live at my place for these last two months or so. I have a nice, peaceful place a little outside New York. I already had eight of my patients do this, it's not so absurd.- she explained like it was the most normal thing in the world. Y/n was listening, but she wasn't convinced. She decided that she had to think about it first. She had to know for sure that she was professional and competent.

-I don't know, Helen. I'll admit that it isn't the most tranquil place to live, but...these people are my family. They have always been by my side, pregnant or not. And what about Steve? The father of my firstborn?- she marked the last phrase, tilting her head to the side. A little habit she probably took from Wanda.

-Because they care about you. But in truth, tell me, aren't you feeling like a burden? Like you get into their business?- she mirrored the young woman's expression. Y/n didn't answer at first.

-You're really not going soft on this are you?- Helen released a dry laugh. Shook her head and paused before talking.

-Yes. I began working as a nurse unofficially when I was 13 years old, during the Prague Spring reforms in '68. The hospital was in short of nurses so.- she explained, -That time wasn't easy. Not that the one before it and after it wasn't, that is. You either grow a thick skin or you don't survive.- Y/n felt for her, as she had a very similar destiny. First she doesn't know how she ended up in an orphanage, and then when she was fifteen and nobody took her, they kicked her out. She was homeless for a year until SHIELD recruited her, and the rest is history.

The older woman got up and took some vegetables, washed them and then placed them down to slice them. Y/n got up as well and started helping. She eyed the fresh eggs, so she guessed that Helen wanted to make a quick frittata.

-How did you end up in America? As midwife, nonetheless.- she asked.

-Why most foreign people come to America? Certainly not the food.- The woman responded with a slight hint of irony. The girl chuckled.

-Touché.-

-In any case, I've been here more than half of my live, moved many states mainly for my own choice. Being a private midwife pays decently.- she paused to dump the sliced vegetables into a pan with a little oil and salt.

-I became one because I was fascinated by the whole process that the woman's body goes through both before, during and after birth. I assisted two of my older sisters, and in the end ended up doing it as a job.- Y/n nodded, listening.

-That's actually amazing. But if I can ask, you do not have kids yourself?-

-No. Didn't have the possibility at first. Then decided that just it was my profession but not my future. No regrets.- she answered even tho the girl could sense that something was off. She decided not to intrude.

Silence fell between them while they were cooking, and the younger woman took the popularity to think about what she said. The woman was practical, a bit harsh maybe. But she also had a lot of experience. She didn't like the thought of leaving her family, but she had to admit that she often felt like a burden lately. More than once someone stayed behind to look after her, and even tho they didn't seem to mind at all, she did. She wasn't used to being so pampered and looked after, and sometimes she almost felt suffocated. Guess that spending many years of your life having to take care of yourself takes a toll on you.

She didn't want to decide anything without talking it out with Steve first. And it wouldn't be permanent, just for the last couple months or so, until she had the baby. If she really thought about it maybe she needed some time to reconnect with herself, to learn how to take care of her baby in the best way possible. Even the stupidest thing like cold chicken could potentially make her sick, and it was such a small thing. But that doesn't change the fact that she didn't knew. She wasn't one of those moms who surrounded herself with books teaching her every do's and don'ts, but at this point insecurity was kicking in. The last thing she would ever want was to be a bad mother even before actually becoming one.

Between a baby shop and another, and a whole new diet including an embarrassing amount of tea, Y/n finished her eight month of pregnancy. She was feeling as tired and as big as ever. Helen actually helped a lot both with the cooking, the health tips and with the shopping. She actually sobbed when they bought the crib. Both because she was emotional, a bit because hormones and also because Steve was again away on a mission. The whole team was actually. They had new leads in the Hungarian case and another completely different mission in South Korea, a tough one. So it required the whole team split up. That was the fist time Y/n was left alone since she knew she were pregnant. It all went smoothly, the tower actually felt quiet for once.

Y/n and Helen had found a nice dynamic, and most of the time spent time in a comfortable silence, each doing their thing. A downside that she wasn't realizing was the distance that was slowly creeping from her to the team. They didn't really like the midwife that much, Wanda, Thor and Bucky especially didn't like her at all. But Y/n felt for her, she felt like she knew her better than them so she often took her side, which hurt them back.

Steve on the other hand wasn't realizing it almost at all. All he cared about was his wife being healthy and that she got along with the midwife. They didn't sleep together often anymore, due to the fact that he was often away and she was constantly tired. Bruce did warn her at the beggining that this 'enhanced' baby would've probably tired her out, and it did at first but then she was feeling very well. She and Helen both blamed it on the tiredness of the pregnancy as a whole.

The last straw was when some of the guys, specifically Sam, Thor and Peter, whom didn't live at the tower and was rarely involved in missions because of Tony, went to see them and in some way, nobody actually know how, they made a whole ass hole in the floor above the library. Fate wanted that Y/n and Helen were reading just a few feet away. If they were just a bit closer to the door, they would've been hit by the pavement pieces.

Helen gasped and jumped out of her seat, book still in her hand by the corner. The younger woman on the other hand was more mad than anything.

She rose from the armchair, struggling a bit and marched towards the now destroyed door. The damage wasn't so bad, but it was still damage and it could've been way worse. She was fuming.

-Y/n! Shit are you okay? - Sam yelled from above. The three guys looking down from the hole they created.

-I'm so sorry it wasn't me! It was Thor! - Peter joined in and caused the God to respond, and from that a whole lot of mess arose.

The people who weren't on a mission, which were Wanda, Bucky and Tony, came running.

Y/n didn't know where to look and all of a sudden started felling a bit suffocated. She brought a hand to her forehead, distubed by the chaos arouns her.

-Stop! Fucking stop it! - she yelled, groaning from frustration. Everyone stopped talking while the girl started to feel her eyes prickle with tears of frustration.

-Why is never, ever a single day if peace in here? There's always someone around, making a mess, making noise, complaining- - she almost stumbled on a piece of ceiling that had fallen, but Bucky and Tony were right behind her and helped her stabilize herself, but she shoved them off.

-Leave me be!- she exclaimed frustrated. She huffed, trying to take a deep breath. -I'm moving out.- a chorus of 'What' arose. Bucky stepped forward and grabbed her wrist gently.

-What are you talking about?- his eyes showed confusion and panic.

-And when would have you decided this stupid thing?- Tony crossed his arms and went straight up 'Tony Stark' on her. Y/n rolled her eyes, ignoring both questions and walked out of the now damaged library. Helen followed suit.

-At least wait for Steve to return!- Wanda said. Thor jumped down, through the new hole in the ceiling and followed her like the others.

-Y/n, we're sorry! Look, I'm gonna fix the ceiling myself okay? Please don't go- Y/n's ached to see them upset, but she was tired. Too tired. She was afraid that if she had stayed more than she could withstand, their relationships could've been ruined. That was the last thing she wanted. She didn't knew exactly what was that overwhelmed her so much. She felt constantly tired and in pain, all the noise, number of people..it had become just too much. She needed to finish this pregnancy alone, or at least in a more quiet place.

She stopped in her tracks and exhaled silently. Her eyes passed through everyone in the room. Even in that moment, they were decimated because of the mission, yet there were still eight people in the room. When normally it would've been around 15. That's too many people.

-It's not your fault. It's not anyone's fault, specifically. I just.. I feel overwhelmed. There's too much going on here at the tower. And for me it's like seeing life go on without being able to do anything. I need some space, okay? It won't be forever. Hell, if everything goes well it's gonna be a month, at best. But I really, really need a break. I am going to pack and leave by afternoon, when Steve returns, just send him to the address that I'll leave for him. Okay? I love you guys, you're my family and I wouldn't be where I am today without you. Its just temporary.- she smiled softly, trying not to get emotional. Wanda was visibly upset, on the verge of crying. The others just looked sad, maybe disappointed. But nobody said anything, so she turned her heels and went straight to her room.

By five pm she and Helen were already gone. The older woman called them a cab, the driver took care of their stuff and then they were gone. Y/n was silent during most of the trip, both because of the extreme tiredness and sadness. She never changed home since she moved to the tower. She also thought about what she would tell Steve. She knew she couldn't contact him, so she didn't. They had left two days prior, so it was a bit early to know when he'll be coming home. But she knew a hundred percent that he would've gotten to her even before going home.

The two women were headed to the older one's house, which was in Avalon, New Jersey. Helen had told her about her beach house, quite far from the city. Y/n did actually fall asleep after the first hour or so, they had around three in total so she didn't worry about not waking up. By her surprise though, she did sleep throughout the whole trip, and yet, she was still tired. In those days her head gave her particular discomfort, so any noise at all really disturbed her.

Helen woke her up gently when they arrived, the she helped her get out of the car. Meanwhile the driver, which was a quite young man, probably around her age, which was 27, with curly black hair, stubble and dark green eyes, took their luggage off of the trunk.

-That's all. Have a nice stay.- he smiled slightly. Y/n frowned, what about the money?

-How much do we owe you?- she asked sweetly. He waved his hand dismissively, going back in the driver's seat.

-The lady already paid me, I'm ok. Bye.- he waved goodbye and drove off. Y/n and Helen dragged the luggage insider her villa, by which the girl definitely was taken aback.

-You didn't tell me that you live in a Villa?-

-Maybe, but I did tell you that being a private midwife pays well. I also need space if I want to take people living with me.- she explained. The first thing that you could see was the huge open space which showed a not exaggeratedly large living room with a window door on the right, on the left there was the kitchen and in the middle a staircase.

It wasn't very decorated, but the light palette of the whole place defines had a calming effect. Y/n was so used to the high rise and high technology of the Avengers tower that she had almost forgot how nice and intimate a normal house could be.

Helen showed y/n around a little, then ended up in the spare room, which had a large bed, a balcony and some essential forniture pieces such as a wardrobe, a vanity, a full length mirror, an armchair.

-This is really nice, Helen.- she smiled tiredly, caressing her big belly while she walked around. But as she was walking towards the balcony, she had a slight attack of vertigo, and her knees buckle for a second. The woman was at her side in a few seconds, helping her onto the bed. Y/n huffed, the back of her hand on her eyes.

-Why am I so shitty? I was pretty good until a few months ago.- she whined, and Helen shook her head while she stroked her arm.

-Every pregnancy is different, Y/n. You're just tired, from the car and that chaotic place.- the disdain in her voice didn't really pleased Y/n, but she didn't say anything. She didn't have the strength and besides, it's not like she was particularly liked at the tower anyway.

-I'll get you a tea, be right back.- Y/n chuckled.

-I drank more of your Hungarian tea than water in the last months.- Helen pulled a tight smile.

-Well, it is a traditional recipe for pregnant women. Not that you seem to mind it either.- the girl relaxed her eyes and discarded her sneakers to the ground.

-No, it has a peculiar taste but not bad.-

-Good.- and with that she left the girl alone. Helen went down the stairs, and turned on the stove to warm some water. She then opened a drawer, forcing the wood layer to come up by using her fingernails, pulling out an old fashioned phone.

She went to the contacts and dialed the only one there was. She waited a few minutes, when someone picked up.

-Igen?-

-Közeledünk. Készülj fel.- she said, hanging up.

************

Translation from Hungarian: ‘Yes?’ ‘We’re close. Get ready.’

Hiii, this is quite a short chapter but I wanted to end it with ✨ suspense ✨ the next one tho is gonna be way longer. Lastly, friendly reminder that my taglist and my ask inbox are open!

***********

Taglist : @polarcrystall @a--1--1--3 @jessyballet

54 notes · View notes

kevindayscrown · 4 years ago

Text

Why Kevin Day is the most in-depth character in the All For the Game series

An essay by a Kevin stan, so you know it's at least 70% biased

Hello, hello everyone, welcome to another session of me, brainwashing you about the amazingness of Kevin Day. In this short essay, I'll discuss how our number Queen asshole striker is, in fact, not just a whiney bitch, but one of the most key characters in the AFTG series. I'll also discuss how Nora pretty much did him dirty and how much I appreciate the fandom for doing him better.

I've decided that it will be much easier to take things chronologically, so I can delve deeper into what makes Kevin the character whose stans won't shut up about.

Unlike the rest of the characters in the series, Kevin started off in a somewhat stable family condition. He was brought up by his mother, Kayleigh, but still probably had to live with the title 'Son of Exy' from the moment he was born. We've all witnessed what being on the spotlight from a young age has done to child stars. Kevin, upon growing up, would start feeling the burden of a whole legacy created by his mother. Because Exy, despite being a bastard sport, has a large fanbase around the US, and possibly further - since it's mentioned that it's also an Olympic sport.

It wouldn't be a surprise that Kevin more than likely looked up to his mother and wanted to play Exy for her. Suddenly though, Keyleigh died in a car accident (if it was even a car accident; knowing the Moriyamas, it could had been done on purpose) and left Kevin in the care of Tetsuji Moriyama, the head of one of the yakuza's branches, and his now adoptive brother Riko.

Let's be honest, both of them were just kids. They only had each other, so it was really easy to get attached. Kevin has lost his mother at this point and Tetsuji is not exactly a proper father figure, so Kevin had to cling on Riko. Despite us seeing him in the main timeline being an asshole who snaps at everyone, his willingness to submit into the position of 'number 2' even if he's better than Riko, shows how much he depends emotionally on people. Riko and Kevin had to meet certain expectations, had fans from a very young age, and Neil even mentions that he literally witnessed Kevin grow up from media outlets and coverages. Kevin had to stick close to the only other person who's going through the same thing.

As a result, it was easy for Kevin to focus on what he's taught to believe; he should aim for the stars, he should be good, great, but never the best. Because Riko is the best. Kevin accepts that.

I hate how people call him a spineless coward just because someone mentions it once in the book. Kevin isn't like Neil. Neil was given a chance to escape. Kevin could never escape Evermore. Even if he did consider it his home, he was still abused on a daily basis. Riko mentions in Raven King, when he's about to torture Neil, that Neil is basically in the same position as Kevin once had been:

People forget that, Kevin probably had to live through what Neil did ever since Riko turned into his fucked up self. Which literally means years of physical and mental abuse, with no hope of escape but the bright future he had ahead of him. So what did Kevin do? He focused on playing.

Stop making Kevin all about being an Exy freak or an alcoholic. Kevin was so obsessed with Exy because it's the only thing he has ever known. He probably couldn't even drink before he escaped Evermore.

Imagine being torn between loving and clinging on the boy you once called brother because it's the only family you've known, and being hurt by him, again and again at a later age, having him shatter all you think you are good at. Riko didn't just break Kevin's hand. He almost took away from him all he thought he had left, and possibly the only way Kevin had of feeling close to his mother.

Kevin loses all he's ever known, and he blames himself for it at first because he thinks it's his fault that he even dared to show he could be better than Riko. He's in pieces and the only thing he does is to cling yet on another person. Aka Andrew. And somehow like this, we come back to the point about Kevin not only being far from an emotionless asshole, but actually being the most emotionally attached character in the series.

Entering the timeline of the books, Kevin appears as the epitome of a narcissistic asshole. It's fair for someone (as a reader) to not like him at first, when we don't know all that much about him. But as the story unravels, a clear distinction is made:

Kevin is not a narcissist. He's egocentric.

Kevin knows and truly believes he's the center of attention. Because, admittedly, he is. The books could had easily had Kevin as the protagonist. Like mentioned before, being raised on the spotlight, has had a tremendous impact on how he sees himself. He's obsessed with what image he's presenting to the public. I don't think he said 'being heterosexual is easier' without a reason. Kevin has led a life full of suppression. He can flash a 'press smile' for the cameras, he can snap and be cold at the Foxes, when in reality, he's suffering from severe PTSD, with panic attacks that he's handling in the worst way possible:

Alcohol. Why? Because the Foxes are all assholes and hypocrites. Don't get me wrong, I love them. But the fact that they just ignored Kevin everytime he had a panic attack and simply thrusted a bottle of vodka his way and called it a day? Inexcusable. Kevin needed a lot more than that.

Oh jeez, I wonder why he didn't tell Wymack he was his father all along.

If I see another person saying that Kevin was an ass for not telling Wymack straight up, I might slap a bitch. Do you think that Kevin would have been able to handle another rejection, another loss of a parental figure? All he did, was in self defense. Yes, it was selfish, but it was probably the only time in his life he could really make a choice on his own.

But you know what? Kevin overcame all this. Maybe and most probably not completely, he will never be able to wash away some stains, but he became more confident and emotionally independent. He detached himself both from Riko and from Andrew, and became the best striker in the history of Exy.

One of the reasons why I love Neil and Kevin - especially Kevin - is because their healing journeys are more fleshed out than Andrew's. But in this case, Kevin's was not really given the attention it deserved, it happened on the side lines and he had to do it alone. Neil had the foxes, had Wymack and Andrew. Kevin had no one, because the foxes, despite being assholes themselves, kept dismissing him and his problems. I really do believe that, in the first drafts when Kandreil was canon, Nora had potentially explored his character more. I wish we had gotten that instead of this sloppy attempt to squeeze in his ark along with Neil's.

I'll end this with some highlights that also showcase how badass Kevin is. He's a mess, but he does grow some spine when he finally becomes his own person:

Oof, if you actually read through this, thank you for tolerating my probably incoherent thoughts. I actually barely scratched the surface of my thoughts on Kevin's character but for now, this will do.

#kevin day #andrew minyard #andreil #neil josten #all for the game #aftg #the foxhole court #kandreil

118 notes · View notes