#Ashlyn Sanchez

[harris-krieger]

[whatever-color-of-the-rainbow]

Happy International Asexual Day to the following characters:

Sadly none of these are canon

[sassysophiabush]

[artisticlegshake]

THE DANCE AWARDS ORLANDO RESULTS 2024

Teen solos that received Judge's Pick awards but didn't place in the top 10:

Adina Rooney - STUDIO 412 JP!

Ryley Beattie - EDX JP!

Bree Batstone - EDX JP!

Ella Letsche - EDX JP!

Kalli Kester - AVANTI JP!

Jaeda Straley - SOUTH TULSA JP!

Zoe Vandrell - SOUTH TULSA JP!

Alessia Pedone - VLAD’S JP!

Landen White - THE SOUTHERN STRUTT JP!

Ella Barnes - THE SOUTHERN STRUTT JP!

Ava Bronson - G-FORCE JP!

Bella Rey D’Armas - STARS JP!

Natalie Nunez - STARS JP!

Ava D’Ambrosio - WESTCHESTER JP!

Crystal Fu - WESTCHESTER JP!

Sophie Simpson - WESTCHESTER JP!

Kynlee Schultheis - SOUTH TULSA JP!

Arianna Vera - DANCE UNLIMITED JP!

Lena Garcia - DANCE UNLIMITED JP!

Jonathan Archer - MATHER JP!

Alexandra Perez - DANCE UNIVERSE JP!

Jazmine Raine Werner - DANCE ENTHUSIASM JP!

Joli DuQuenne - THE STUDIO PROJECT JP!

Melodie Morin - STUDIO INNOVA JP!

Brooklyn Ladia - PROJECT 21 JP!

Lilly Barajas - PROJECT 21 JP!

Mikayla Sanchez - LEGACY JP!

Stella Eberts - PROJECT 21 JP!

Leighton Werner - PROJECT 21 JP!

Ashlyn Weldon - WEST FLORIDA JP!

Mikayla Bellmore - WEST FLORIDA JP!

Nicole Novodvorets - STARS JP!

Keira Cheng - VLAD’S JP!

[outsideratheart]

USWNT Masterlist

Alex Morgan:

Charlie's First Camp

The Almost Perfect Birthday

Spanish Crush

The One That Got Away

Let’s Go Home

The Affair - Part 1, Part 2

All Is Fair In Love and Football

The Three Of Us

Christen Press:

Biggest Mistake

You're My Future

Have Faith In Me - Part 1, Part 2

From Soccer Balls to Snowboards

A Leopard Can Change Its Spots - Part 1, Part 2

My Two Favourite Girls

Girlfriends Share Clothes

Losing Funk

Dropping Hints

Secret’s Out

Silver Lining

Watermelon Sugar

Little One

Secrets & Lies

Kelley O'Hara

When in New York Part 1 Part 2

Kristie Mewis

Your Sister Was Right

Our Second Chance

Julie Johnston

- Tokyo series

   Rendezvous On The Tennis Court

   My Gold and My Girl

Preath

I’ll Always Come Back To you (Military!Reader)

Ashlyn Harris

Accidents Happen

Emily Sonnett

She Saved Me

Rose Lavelle

Who Would You Look For

Ashley Sanchez

A Future With You 

Sofia Huerta 

My Heart Belongs To You

[incorrectnwsl]

USWNT March Madness - First Round

Alright friends, all of the polls are LIVE all 32 polls are linked here for ease of access. Get to voting!

WEST (top left)

Carli Lloyd vs Alyssa Thompson

Lynn Williams vs Andi Sullivan

Julie Ertz vs Ashley Hatch

Amy Rodriguez vs Casey Murphy

Rose Lavelle vs Ashley Sanchez

Shannon Boxx vs Hailie Mace

Sydney Leroux vs Sofia Huerta

Alex Morgan vs Jane Campbell

SOUTH (top right)

Christie Pearce vs Bethany Balcer

Allie Long vs Whitney Engen

Lori Chalupny vs Trinity Rodman

Lauren Cheney vs Adrianna Franch

Alyssa Naeher vs Catarina Macario

Tobin Heath vs Jaelene Hinkle 

Abby Dahlkemper vs Ashlyn Harris

Megan Rapinoe vs Savannah McCaskill 

NORTH (bottom left)

Abby Wambach vs Megan Oyster

Kristie Mewis vs Casey Krueger

Ali Krieger vs Naomi Girma

Crystal Dunn vs Taylor Smith

Morgan Gautrat vs Jessica McDonald

Christen Press vs Stephanie McCaffrey

Meghan Klingenberg vs Emily Fox

Becky Sauerbrunn vs Kealia Watt

EAST (bottom right)

Heather O’Reilly vs Morgan Weaver

Tierna Davidson vs Sophia Smith

Mal Swanson vs Taylor Kornieck

Lindsey Horan vs McCall Zerboni

Sam Mewis vs Alana Cook

Kelley O’Hara vs Jaelin Howell

Emily Sonnett vs Midge Purce

Hope Solo vs Sam Coffey

I think they’re all linked correctly, but let me know if there’s an error.

[gamergirl929]

What players do you write for? I seem to be catching different fan bases at the end of the fandom or when there is a huge writers block going around. But I’m curious and willing to give you ideas that might get you back to writing soon.

Honestly, I write for a shit ton of people, I write for the USWNT mostly, I've written for; Alex Morgan, Alyssa Naeher, Ashley Sanchez, Becky Sauerbrunn, Carli Lloyd, Chrislex (Christen Press/Alex Morgan), Christen Press, Emily Sonnett, Hope Solo, Julie Johnston/Ertz, Kellex (Alex Morgan/Kelley O'Hara), Kelley O'Hara, Krashlyn (Ashlyn Harris/Ali Krieger), Kristie Mewis, Lindsey Horan, Mallory Pugh/Swanson, Megan Rapinoe, Preath (Christen Press/Tobin Heath), and Tobin Heath.

Damn that's a lot, I have other random fics I've written too, some for WWE and other just random fandom ones.

[weirdthoughtsandideas]

Favorite characters tournament!

I wanted to make a tournament that was a bit more inclusive than my previous ones. Many people have done like "vote on my favorite movies" and "vote on my favorite characters", and I will do the second one!

There is characters from all kinds of media - and, as you will notice... a lot of them are paired against characters you may not have ever heard of. This is because I had a randomized system who would be paired up with who. I did make some changes and randomized several times, to make it at least as fair of a fight as possible.

Now, you might see a character you like, but they're put against a character you have no idea who it is, and you may restrain from voting - don't! Vote on your fave, screw it if you don't know the other character!

Also - there are some characters that I am aware are less known (but as they are important to me, I included them). And sometimes two less known characters are put together. This may cause them to not get any votes at all, or at least very few votes - so I'd like you to help me out. You don't have to do that with every poll ofc, but for some, even if you don't know either characters, do vote judging on whatever picture you enjoy the most or who's name you think is the prettiest. This way, these can still manage to get some votes.

You have one week! Now, links to the polls are under the cut (with more description of the characters too than in the bracket):

Madicken vs Minty

Lilo Pelekai vs Luna Valente

Violet Baudelaire vs Max Mayfield

Poof vs Berlioz

Bárbara (Entrelazados) vs Eva (Eva & Adam)

Anki vs Sandybell

Luisa Madrigal vs Skalman

Wanda (Fairly odd Parents) vs Ferb Fletcher

Violet Beauregarde vs Maya Hart

Snufkin vs Bonbon

Diana Barry vs Stephanie Meanswell

Riley Matthews vs Yam Sanchez

Annika (Eva & Adam) vs Sunny Baudelaire

Violetta Castillo vs Teddy Duncan

Isadora Quagmire vs Candace Flynn

Willy Wonka vs Olive Doyle

Richie Tozier vs Camila Torres

Kathleen (12 dancing princesses) vs Dolores Madrigal

Angie (Siempre fui yo) vs Tomoko

Bubbles vs Helena (The Triplets)

Totoro vs Connie (Big Mouth)

Mariko vs Brittany S. Pierce

Angie Carrara vs Sharpay Evans

Beverly Marsh vs Helena/Ana Urquiza

Ashlyn Caswell vs Celeste Quinterro

Åke Nordin vs Stingy Spoilero

Trix (Tudo Igual SQN) vs Elin (Fucking Åmål)

Alex (Totally Spies) vs Francesca Caviglia

Ryan Evans vs Veruca Salt

Trixie/Halla Troubleby vs Emma (Creepschool)

Casey Gardner vs Ámbar Smith

Elena Alvarez vs Stewie Griffin

[ru55411]

Ashlyn Sanchez

[naturesfirstgreenisgold]

Dating Evan “Buck” Buckley Playlist

(In Duration Order (shortest to longest))

brutal -SOUR- Olivia Rodrigo

Happier Than Ever-Edit- Happier Than Ever (Edit)- Billie Eilish

favorite crime-SOUR- Olivia Rodrigo

People Watching- Superache- Conan Gray

Chasing Shadows- Chasing Shadows- Alex Warren

How Do I Say Goodbye- How Do I Say Goodbye- Dean Lewis

1 step forward, 3 steps back- SOUR- Olivia Rodrigo

Our Song- Therapy- Anne-Marie, Niall Horan

I miss you, I’m sorry- minor- Gracie Abrams

Wish You Were Sober- Kid Krow- Conan Gray

parents- the underrated youth- YUNGBLUD

Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy- A Day At The Races (Deluxe) Queen

Fluorescent Adolescent- Favourite Worst Nightmare (Standard Version)- Arctic Monkeys

What A Time (feat. Niall Horan)- Inner Monologue Part 1- Julia Michaels, Niall Horan

Want You Back- Youngblood (Deluxe) 5 Seconds of Summer

All I Want- Love That Lasts Mix-All I Want (Love That Lasts Mix)- Olivia Rodrigo

Midnight Rain- Midnights- Taylor Swift

happier- SOUR- Olivia Rodrigo

Until I Found You (with Em Beihold)- Em Beihold Version-Until I Found You (with Em Beihold)- Stephen Sanchez, Em Beihold

All I Want-From “High School Musical: The Musical: The Series-All I Want (From “High School Musical: The Musical: The Series)- Olivia Rodrigo, Disney

Until I Found You- Easy On My Eyes- Stephen Sanchez

die first- forever young- Nessa Barrett

Teenage Dream- Teenage Dream- Stephen Dawes

You Are Enough- Atlas:I- Sleeping At Last

Bored- Bored- Billie Eilish

Daddy Issues (Remix) feat. Syd-Daddy Issues (Remix) feat. Syd- The Neighbourhood, Syd

I Wanna Be Yours- AM- Arctic Monkeys

Somewhere Only We Know- Glee: The Music presents The Warblers- Glee Cast, Darren Criss

Heaven- Heaven- Niall Horan

see you later (ten years)- see you later (ten years)- Jenna Raine

New Angel- Heartbreak Weather- Niall Horan

Half a Heart- Midnight Memories(Deluxe)- One Direction

Love Of My Life- Harry’s House- Harry Styles

San Francisco- Heartbreak Weather- Niall Horan

You’re On Your Own, Kid- Midnights- Taylor Swift

this is me trying- folklore- Taylor Swift

Angels Like You- Plastic Heart- Miley Cyrus

Ghost Of You- Youngblood (Deluxe)-5 Seconds of Summer

Dancing With Your Ghost- Dancing With Your Ghost- Sasha Alex Sloan

Small Talk- Heartbreak Weather- Niall Horan

Right Now- Midnight Memories (Deluxe)- One Direction

Heather- Kid Krow- Conan Gray

Moral of the Story (feat. Niall Horan)- Bonus Track- Ashlyn- Ashe, Niall Horan

Falling Apart- Hold the Rhythm- Michael Schulte

Heartbreak Weather- Heartbreak Weather- Niall Horan

Right Now- Midnight Memories(Deluxe)- One Direction

Why Won’t You Love Me- Youngblood (Deluxe)- 5 Seconds of Summer

She Looks So Perfect- 5 Seconds of Summer -5 Seconds of Summer

Brother -Acoustic- Brother-Ep- Kodaline

Little Freak- Harry’s House- Harry Styles

Walking in the Wind- Made In The A.M. (Deluxe)- One Direction

Brother- Politics of Living- Kodaline

enough for you- SOUR- Olivia Rodrigo

Youngblood-Youngblood (Deluxe)- 5 Seconds of Summer

Yours- Superache- Conan Gray

Lover Of Mine- CALM- 5 Seconds of Summer

C’mon C’mon- Live Version from The Motion Picture “One Direction:This Is Is”- One Direction

Train Wreck- Back from the Edge- James Arthur

Golden- Fine Line- Harry Styles

If the World Was Ending (feat. Julia Michaels)- If the World Was Ending (feat. Julia Michaels)- JP Saxe, Julia Michaels

hope ur ok- SOUR- Olivia Rodrigo

Forever- Divinely Uninspired To A Hellish Extent- Lewis Capaldi

Babylon- Youngblood (Deluxe)- 5 Seconds of Summer

Movies- Superache- Conan Gray

When You Love Someone- First Impressions- James TW

In The Stars- In The Stars- Benson Boone

deja vu- SOUR- Olivia Rodrigo

Family Line- Superache- Conan Gray

Mr Loverman- Montgomery Ricky- Ricky Montgomery

Water Fountain- Narrated For You- Alec Benjamin

Wildest Dreams (Taylor’s Version)- Wildest Dreams (Taylor’s Version)- Taylor Swift

Lookalike- Sunset Season- Conan Gray

Till Forever Falls Apart- Ashlyn- Ashe, FINNEAS

It’ll Be Ok- It’ll Be Ok- Shawn Mendes

Afterglow-Lover- Taylor Swift

Night Changes- FOUR(Deluxe) One Direction

Remember That Night?-Remember That Night?- Sara Keys

The One That Got Away- Teenage Dream- Katy Perry

Who Do You Love- World War Joy- The Chainsmokers, 5 Seconds of Summer

Fireflies- Ocean Eyes- Owl City

traitor- SOUR- Olivia Rodrigo

Atlantis- Tell Me It’s Real (Expanded Edition) -Seafret

If Only- Descendants (Original TV Movie Soundtrack)- Dove Cameron, Disney

If I Could Fly- Made In The A.M. (Deluxe)- One Direction

Mum- When Facing The Things We Turn Away From- Luke Hemmings

This Town-Flicker (Deluxe)- Niall Horan

Glimpse of Us- Glimpse of Us- Joji

Only Love Can Hurt Like This- A Perfect Contradiction- Paloma Faith

Dandelions- Safe Haven- Ruth B.

Don’t Blame Me- reputation- Taylor Swift

Amnesia- 5 Seconds of Summer- 5 Seconds of Summer

You & I- Midnight Memories (Deluxe) One Direction

Falling- Fine Line- Harry Styles

cardigan- folklore- Taylor Swift

Don’t Forget Where You Belong- Midnight Memories (Deluxe) One Direction

Set Me Free- Crisis/ Secret/ Set Me Free- Joshua Bassett

The Way I Loved You ( Taylor’s Version)- Fearless (Taylor’s Version) Taylor Swift

champagne problems- evermore- Taylor Swift

Astronomy- Superache- Conan Gray

right where you let me- evermore- Taylor Swift

Story Of My Life- Midnight Memories (Deluxe)- One Direction

Matilda- Harry’s House- Harry Styles

18- FOUR (Deluxe)- One Direction

Line Without a Hook- Montgomery Ricky- Ricky Montgomery

Still- Heartbreak Weather- Niall Horan

Rock Me-Live Version from The Motion Picture “One Direction:This Is Is”- One Direction

my tears ricochet-folklore- Taylor Swift

Daddy Issues- Wiped Out!- The Neighbourhood

august-folklore- Taylor Swift

How to Save a Life- How to Save a Life- The Fray

Dandelions- slowed+ reverb- Dandelions- slowed+ reverb- Ruth B., slater

TV- Guitar Songs- Billie Eilish

Fifteen- Taylor Swift- Fearless

Fix You- X&Y- Coldplay

Happier Than Ever- Happier Than Ever- Billie Eilish

If By Chance- Safe Haven- Ruth B.

Fine Line- Fine Line- Harry Styles

All Too Well ( 10 Minute Version) (Taylor’s Version)(From The Vault)- Red (Taylor’s Version)- Taylor Swift

[esperwatchesfilms]

The Happening (2008)

ESE: 55/100

50 +5 for Kristen Connolly, even though she’s disowned this movie -10 for mass suicides +10 for Mark Wahlberg +5 for Jake being kind of hilarious +10 for Zooey Deschanel -10 for leaving your daughter behind -10 for really crap math problem with super incorrect answer -5 for the military dude acting like he knows what’s up +5 for plant guy not being so crazy after all +5 for “Be scientific, douchebag!” +5 for talking to a plastic plant +5 for LAWNMOWER’D -10 for killing a couple of kids -5 for the least-convincing-even-though-it’s-true “What? No!” +5 for walking out to each other +5 for “the event” having ended +5 for Aunt Alma -10 for insufficient “act of nature” response +5 for Alma’s pregnant! -5 for the French trees rebelling

[mrfahrenheit92]

[whileiamdying]

#MovieReview | 'THE HAPPENING' Something Lethal Lurks in the Rustling Trees

Directed by M. Night Shyamalan Sci-Fi, Thriller, R, 1h 31m by Manohla Dargis June 13, 2008

The knives had been out and sharpened long before M. Night Shyamalan’s latest movie, “The Happening,” opened on Friday. A fine craftsman with aspirations to the canon, this would-be auteur has, in the last few years, experienced a sensational fall from critical and commercial grace, partly through his own doing ó by making bad movies and then, even after those movies failed, by continuing to feed his ego publicly ó and partly through the entertainment media that, once they smell weakness, will always bite the hand they once slathered in drool.

The signal-to-noise ratio has become so lopsided when it comes to Mr. Shyamalan that “The Happening” was marked for failure even before it had a chance to fail ó or succeed. Its worth as a cultural and aesthetic object had been rendered moot, never mind that it turns out to be a divertingly goofy thriller with an animistic bent, moments of shivery and twitchy suspense and a solid lead performance from Mark Wahlberg. Much like Mel Gibson and Joaquin Phoenix in “Signs,” which this film resembles in mood, effectiveness and flaws, Mr. Wahlberg fits into the Shyamalan universe comfortably. He rides the spooky stuff with as much ease as he does the jokes, the manufactured sincerity and cornball messages.

I won’t say too much about the gimmick that Mr. Shyamalan has come up with this time around, only that it’s funny, dark and weird and involves some nasty payback from the natural world. The story opens on a bustlingly bright New York day with two women sharing a bench in Central Park. One hears something, the other doesn’t, and before you know it, one benchwarmer has slipped a hair stick out of her do and into her own neck. The blood continues to trickle, but soon runs into the streets as men and women across the city commit similarly inexplicable acts of self-annihilation, with bullets to the head or, in a queasy, presumably intentional visual echo of Sept. 11, plunges from on high.

This is the first R-rated feature from Mr. Shyamalan, who’s left the PG-13 world behind presumably to entice that much-coveted demographic, the young male bloodsucker. Going graphic has neither hurt nor harmed him, though from all the inventive ways he’s found to do away with characters, it’s hard not to wonder if he’s not extracting symbolic revenge on the fickle moviegoing public. Whatever the case, the opening’s body count works to his foundational purposes, creating an uneasy, unsettled atmosphere. Mr. Shyamalan’s words consistently fail him, as they have in the past. But working again with the cinematographer Tak Fujimoto (a longtime shooter for Jonathan Demme), he creates images ó bodies falling, trees rustling ó that at their most potent speak louder and more eloquently than those words.

As the suicides rage like the plague, Mr. Wahlberg’s Elliot, a Philadelphia high-school science teacher, heads out of town on a train with his wife, Alma (an oddly miscast, loony-looking Zooey Deschanel, working her big blue peepers like mad), and another teacher, Julian (John Leguizamo), who brings along his young daughter, Jess (Ashlyn Sanchez). The train conductors soon lose contact with the outside world, forcing passengers into the Pennsylvania backwoods. This allows Mr. Shyamalan to focus on his leads (and indulge in witless marital shtick); pick up a couple of crack scene stealers (Frank Collison and Betty Buckley); and frolic in the great outdoors with zippy cameras and special effects. Something wicked this way comes though, really, they’re already heeere.

Mr. Wahlberg’s earnest, committed presence anchors the story, giving it a sense of purpose (a reason to care). Unlike Ms. Deschanel, who looks mighty surprised to be in this movie or mighty alarmed, you hang on to Mr. Wahlberg, who smoothly navigates the broad, lurching comedy (notably a wonderfully eccentric and comic monologue) as well as the pockets of dread. Mr. Shyamalan’s bag of tricks is awfully familiar ó the camera races forward, the characters stand locked in place, a child’s empty swing sways in the wind, eyes widen, mouths gape ó but it’s time-tested and, with the right actors, effectual. There is, after all, real pleasure to be had from watching a magician pull even a mangy rabbit out of a battered top hat.

By the time the story shifts to a town where people are hanging from trees in overly neat formation, the image of mass suicides has been drained of its shock, and a human calamity is revealed to be an aesthetic choice. Something is happening, all right, but Mr. Shyamalan, who certainly appears to enjoy playing God, doesn’t seem to care much. But what is happening, exactly? Is it the end of the world, a blip on the green screen, a Chernobyl rerun, Al Gore’s worst nightmare? Mr. Shyamalan tells us, more or less, letting the kitty out of the bag early. But here’s the thing about doomsday scenarios: They require an escape hatch or the weight of tragedy. Just knocking off the world because you’re mad at it isn’t enough.

“The Happening” is rated R (Under 17 requires accompanying parent or adult guardian). Bloody death.

THE HAPPENING

Opens on Friday nationwide.

The Happening Director/Writer: M. Night Shyamalan Stars: Mark Wahlberg, Zooey Deschanel, John Leguizamo, Ashlyn Sanchez, Betty Buckley Rating: R Running Time: 1h 31m Genres: Sci-Fi, Thriller

[whydoiwrite]

22 days ago…

This afternoon…

It’s the dancing in Ashlyn’s box for me.

[dweemeister]

The Happening (2008)

Some of my favorite movies are B-movies. Whenever titles like Beach Blanket Bingo (1965) and The Tingler (1959) air on Turner Classic Movies (TCM) during convenient hours for me, I sit down and usually tune in for at least a few minutes. Neither film is ever challenging to be the Great American Movie, but it is hard to tear myself away from the campiness of ‘60s kids frolicking on a Southern California beach without parental supervision or one of the silliest premises ever seen in a horror movie. Before the release of The Happening, director M. Night Shyamalan said that he wanted to, “mak[e] an excellent B movie.” His intentions – premeditated or otherwise – aside, The Happening will receive no such goodwill from me.

Two years before a crime against art known as The Last Airbender (2010) and five years before the shambolic After Earth (2013), a film like The Happening should have put the director into the cinematic sin bin. If there is anything redeeming about this horror-thriller, it is somehow not terrible enough to be noxious to the senses. Instead, first-time viewers should prepare for laughter – you won’t even need certain recreational substances (depending where you live, perhaps legal substances!) to enjoy the kick this movie provides. Laissez les bons temps rouler!

The Happening opens in Central Park as an inexplicable mass suicide strikes the surrounding area. Initially, an airborne chemical toxin is suggested as the cause. Philadelphia-based high school science teacher Elliot Moore (Mark Wahlberg; whose character comments about a student’s appearance and accepts the most quasi-intellectual answer any student has ever bullshitted) has learned about the supposed bioterrorist attack and decides to leave for Harrisburg with his wife, Alma (Zooey Deschanel), teacher friend Julian (John Leguizamo), and Julian’s young daughter Jess (Ashlyn Sanchez). Julian, hearing that his wife is in trouble in Princeton, New Jersey, leaves Jess to the care of Elliot and Alma – parental figures in Shyamalan’s films are awful. It is up to Elliot, Alma, and Jess to survive the unknown, unpredictable chemical menace stalking the American Northeast.

Other important characters include the reclusive Mrs. Jones (Betty Buckley), a plant nursery owner (Frank Collison), the nursery owner’s wife (Victoria Clark), and teenagers Josh (Spencer Breslin) and Jared (Robert Bailey, Jr.).

Usually my synopses do not end that early in a film’s plot, but considering that The Happening reveals the plot twist about a quarter-ways into the runtime and the fact that I am averse to spoiling movies, that will have to do. The trademark Shyamalan twist seems not to be the twist itself, but the timing of the twist. Shyamalan’s screenplay is a disaster of organization, imagination, and characterization. Already packed with sharp turns in mood, some of those tonal shifts are distractingly arbitrary – such as when Elliot teases the vice principal about being a wicked lady before receiving the news of the events (something bound to see any other teacher disciplined), Julian relinquishing Jess to Alma before seething at her intentions (”Don’t take my daughter’s hand unless you mean it.”), and an aside about packing and the deliciousness of hot dogs just after the twist is revealed. Elliot and Alma are dreadful judges of imminent dangers and mystifying behavior that a viewer can draw one or both of the following conclusions: that the leads are socially inept or that everyone in this film – by virtue of being proximate to the titular happening (or perhaps just by being in a Shyamalan movie) – is socially inept.

What happened to all of the characters in Shyamalan movies from here to The Last Airbender to After Earth? No one in any of these three movies – and the only three Shyamalan movies I have seen in their entirety – possesses even a whiff of charisma, good humor, or likability. If surviving a cataclysmic event means that we have to be devoid of all these qualities, almost everyone who is reading this is probably doomed. Did Shyamalan save all of those personalities for a rainy day so that he could use them in Split (2016)? Spare a thought and a silver lining for some, however, as awkward teenagers and nerds looking to exact revenge on jocks should rejoice! Unlike the characters in The Happening, you can take the simplest of hints!

Now, the lead actors; neither of them assisted by the screenplay.

This movie contains the worst performance in Mark Wahlberg’s hot-and-cold career – worse than Planet of the Apes (2001) and the two Transformers movies he has appeared in (admittedly, I haven’t seen the entirety of Age of Extinction or a second of The Last Knight, but I can – by betting the farm, the barn, the silos, and the livestock – almost certainly guarantee you those Wahlberg performances cannot be as bad as this). Wahlberg always looks worried, his face never relaxing, his eyebrows and wrinkles curved downward. Wahlberg’s dialogue delivery is some of the poorest within the last decade. The most infamous example of which happens just before Elliot and Alma sleep over at Mrs. Jones’ house for the night. Any child – not even a child actor – could convince Mrs. Jones about their intentions better than that. Who in their right mind (Wahlberg? Shyamalan? thought those lines were delivered as well as they could be?

Then there is Zooey Deschanel, also providing audiences with the entertainment of a most disastrous, inhuman performance. She has the most nonsensical lines in the movie (”We’re not gonna be one of those assholes on the news who watches the crime happen and not do something! We’re not assholes!”) and is found too often blankly staring at someone or something – her eyes like saucers at a Thanksgiving dinner. Prepare to be hypnotized by her eyes; not romantically, but curiously and eventually devolving into unintended hilarity. She has no chemistry with her co-star, as Elliot and Alma are sniping at each other with the aftermath of an unexplained marital conflict. But, of course, they get back together by the film’s end. Regarding her dialogue delivery, Deschanel’s timing is only slightly better than Wahlberg’s, but not by much.

Instead, it is Betty Buckley as Mrs. Jones with the creepiest performance in The Happening, as the tonal inconsistency of the screenplay actually helps her character. There is a lesson to be learned here: whenever a movie sees a plastic plant act better than the top-billed star, it probably sucks. So if Hollywood ever produces a new version of Paint Your Wagon, I fully expect Mark Wahlberg to be cast as Pardner, so he can sing “I Talk to the Trees”. If any other actor is cast as Pardner, I will consider a twenty-year sabbatical from watching any movie.

Is there anything redeeming about The Happening? Barely. Tak Fujimoto’s (1991′s The Silence of the Lambs, 1999′s The Sixth Sense) cinematography, though blandly lit, provides audiences with a handful of harrowing images: the opening scenes in Central Park and the construction site in particular. Again, I must be careful of spoilers by walking on tiptoes in noting that something about the weather proves important to the movie. Some of the greatest director-cinematographer collaborations have made sunlight oppressive, the rain foreboding, the wind terrifying, the snow ominous. Fujimoto and Shyamalan fail to make that terrorizing aspect about the film’s weather a character, though I suspect most of the fault here lies with Shyamalan

Also, is The Happening trying to be a horror-thriller hybrid? Because it barely registers the frights needed for the former, nor the excitement expected for the latter. It inspires enough eye-rolls and laughs for a comedy, but nothing in The Happening suggests the film wants to be interpreted that way. Away from strict genres now, is The Happening a veiled message movie? If so, Shyamalan has never spoken about it in that way. One suspects that this film might be commenting on how people react after a mass catastrophe, like a terrorist attack or a natural disaster. There are references to the bystander effect (a psychological phenomenon where people are less likely to help an individual in distress if there are others around) and social situations that should raise questions about what is the right thing to do – but these depictions do not inspire controversy or personal inquiry.

Movies like The Happening make me wonder how do producers and executives allow calamitous films to be released. Shyamalan’s film has a workable premise left in tatters the moment Wahlberg’s character is introduced. It never recovers the lethal momentum of its introductory scenes’ framing. Thus, The Happening should be a staple of movie marathons where the theme is hilariously bad movies. I guess there are Shyamalan movies worth watching – recall that I’ve only seen this, The Last Airbender, and After Earth in their entireties – and that I will get to them someday. I will let you know when that happens.

My rating: 2/10

^ Based on my personal imdb rating. My interpretation of that ratings system can be found here.