#Anyway I wanted to write something from Barney's perspective so have this

[shmorp-mcdurgen]

Aftermath au: Red Letter Day

Barney gets a call that Gordon Freeman had been found after ten years of being missing in action.

Word count: 4382

Notes: Another fic for my au "Aftermath" because I think its neat. I'm not sure what else to put here, enjoy the fic

Barney was beginning to remember how much he hated Winter as he stared through the warehouse window in front of him. Despite it being the beginning of March, spring was yet to come, meaning the snow was still falling with the temperature following suit. Barney had always hated the season, and as much as he tried, he could never come up with a proper reason. Maybe it was the fact it was cold, wet, and dreary, making any trip outside miserable, or perhaps it was the fact he was mainly cooped up inside all day, leaving him to get cabin fever. Or maybe it was a mixture of those two at the same time, along with the loneliness that came from them. No matter the reason, Barney kept quiet about it, realizing he had no ability to change the weather. All he could do was drink his hot coffee and put on a few more layers than usual. 

Barney took a sip from his mug as he looked away from the window, instead focusing his attention back into the room he was in. It was a storage room, full of random junk and scientific doodads Barney had no knowledge of. Boxes and crates were stacked up in piles taller than he was, stacked in such a way that it made Barney nervous even being near them in the case of them toppling over. Due to the lack of a radiator in that room, it was even chillier than the rest of the refurbished warehouse, making Barney glad he was wearing the warmest sweatpants he could find in his closet, along with a worn out grey hoodie, with the logo on the front being so faded that it was hard to make out as Black Mesa’s logo.

As he looked around, he was startled by the sound of a box slamming against the concrete floor, along with a short exclamation. “Oh, blast it!” “You alright, Doc?” Barney asked the other man in the room, watching as he bent over to pick up the fallen crate.

“I’m fine, just…hoping whatever was in here isn’t fragile…” 

Dr. Isaac Kleiner, or “Doc” as Barney referred to him as, was wearing a white lab coat over a robin-egg-blue dress-shirt and black tie, trading warmth for safety at his place of work. His glasses were slipping off his face as he moved boxes and rummaged through everything in the storage room, making it even more of a mess than it was before. 

“Where on earth could she have gone?” Kleiner asked, not necessarily expecting an answer. “There aren’t any vents she could have crawled in, are there?”

“I hope not,” Barney stated. “Last thing I want is that thing to fall on someone.” As Kleiner looked under a table, Barney spoke up again. “You think it ran off or something?”

“Oh no, I don’t believe so,” Kleiner stood up straight, “I’m sure she wouldn’t. After all, she needs to get fed eventually, so I imagine she’ll come out for that.” “If the thing didn’t eat someone's cat or something.”

“Hush!” Kleiner held a finger up to his mouth, causing both he and Barney to become silent as he listened closely. Barney attempted to hear what Kleiner was listening for, but to no avail, hearing nothing but silence. “Fie! I could’ve sworn I heard her moving around…”

Barney let out an exhausted sigh, “Doc, please, there’s plenty of those pests out there–”

“But there’s only ONE Lamar!”

“...Right.”

“Now, are you going to help me look?” Kleiner adjusted his crooked glasses, “Or are you going to simply stand there, doing nothing?”

“Uh…” Barney glanced away, thinking for a moment. “...No thanks.”

“Oh, you act like she’s some kind of wild animal.”

“It kinda is.”

“She’s been de-beaked and trained, and you know this!” Kleiner stated as he walked towards a filing cabinet near the corner of the room.

“‘Trained;’ I don’t think that thing is really…trained. My dog is trained, and I know you can train cats, but I don’t think you can train a literal parasite–”

“Oh! I think I’ve got something!” Kleiner said excitedly, “Help me move this cabinet, would you please?”

Barney reluctantly approached the metal cabinet as Kleiner positioned himself to the side of it, ready to move it as soon as Barney was. As soon as Barney placed his free hand against the side of it, he pushed, with Kleiner on the other side pulling it towards him.

Barney let out a loud yelp when something leaped at him from behind the cabinet, causing him to fall on his back and drop his mug on the floor. It was Lamar, the “Pet” headcrab that Kleiner had lost, and it was even uglier up close. As it laid on Barney’s chest, its six small, beady eyes stared back at him as he remained absolutely still, afraid of it trying to attack him. Its teeth on its stomach prodded at his stomach, along with its chipped, large front claws, which had colorful duct-tape covering the tips of them to prevent them from being too sharp. After a few moments of tense silence, Kleiner came to the rescue, picking up Lamar from where it rested on Barney’s torso, allowing him to take a breath.

“LAMAR!” Kleiner exclaimed, looking at his pet with relief in his eyes, “Oh, delightful! I’m so happy to see you weren’t left out in the cold somewhere…”

“Mm-hm…” Barney lifted himself off the ground, looking at his feet to see his knocked over coffee cup, with its contents spilled over. “Ugh…” 

Barney picked up his cup from the floor as Kleiner let Lamar go, watching as it waddled across the floor before jumping up onto one of the tables. Barney stared at it with contempt, the opposite reaction to Lamar’s rediscovery compared to Kleiner’s joy. 

“Do you even have a license for that thing?” Barney questioned as Lamar sat down on top of some loose documents. “If you don’t and animal control finds it, they’ll kill it–”

“I’m…in the process of getting one,” Kleiner stated, voice stumbling slightly. “And I hope no one finds her, cause if they do…I’m afraid of what you said coming true. I’m sure it will be fine regardless, at least she knows to stay inside.”

“...Sure.”

“Is everyone safe?”

Barney and Kleiner turned towards the doorway that led to the rest of the warehouse, seeing a lone, albino Vortigaunt staring back at them with her four maroon eyes. She was wearing a similar lab coat to Kleiner’s, with a borrowed pair of black dress pants, along with a fitted light brown sweater, with a hole in the middle of her chest for her third pseudo arm. She stared at Kleiner and Barney for a little while before Barney answered her question. 

“Yeah, we’re fine…” Barney sighed, glancing towards Lamar, “We just found Kleiner’s…pet.”

“Everything’s under control, Violet, you can get back to work!” Kleiner added.

“I see.” Violet’s gravelly voice seemed quieter than usual, making Barney’s brows furrow a bit.

“You alright?” He asked.

Violet seemed puzzled. “Hm?”

“Are you doing alright? I have noticed you’ve been a bit…closed off for the past few hours.” Kleiner inquired.

“We have been…distracted…” Violet responded. “I imagine it will be cleared up soon.”

“We?” Barney asked.

Violet didn’t answer. “I must get back to helping the others…the teleporter is nearly ready for its first test...”

“Oh! Wonderful. I’ll be there in a little bit.” Kleiner stated as Violet left the room. Barney remained puzzled, looking back at Kleiner with a feeling of unease in his chest.

“She said ‘we’.” Barney stated.

“I’m aware,” Kleiner responded. “You see, the Vortigaunts are able to tap into something they refer to as the ‘Vortessence’, and are thus all conne–”

“I know, Doc, I just…” Barney paused for a second. “If she’s talking about all the Vortigaunts, then wouldn’t that be a bit worrying?”

“...Maybe, but I'm not sure.” Kleiner stated. “Though, one of the members of the survey team we sent earlier today was a Vortigaunt, and that team hasn’t returned yet so…maybe there is a connection there.”

“Maybe.”

“Either way, I believe i’ll go and speak with her, just to make sure everything’s alri–”

Barney’s phone ringing from his pocket interrupted their thoughts, and when Barney pulled it out of his pocket and flipped it open, he saw the number was from one of his coworkers at the hospital. “Sorry, I gotta take this.”

“You’re fine, you go ahead and I’ll go check in with the others.”

Barney nodded, watching Kleiner leave the room before he answered the call and put his phone up to his ear.

“Hello?”

Barney listened closely to the person on the other end of the phone, barely processing what they were saying. 

“What’s going on? 

Not going to believe what? 

So what, why are you telling me this?”

Barney listened closely, all before he felt his heart skip a beat. The sinking feeling in his chest was enough to render him silent, all before he let out a meek “I’ll call you later.”

Barney rushed out of the room, running past Kleiner in the process, nearly pushing him over as he approached the exit. “Barney? What’s going on, are you alright–” “They found him.” Barney’s voice shook as he spoke, with him barely being able to make out the words from how tight his throat was.

“Found who?”

Barney was already out of the building by the time Kleiner asked the question, leaving it unanswered.

Barney saw his own breath clouding in front of his face as he sprinted across the parking lot of the warehouse, nearly slipping on ice multiple times but not giving any time to care. When he reached his car, he swung the door open and crawled inside, starting the engine and speeding off without a single word. His thoughts ran through his head faster than his car was capable of going, slurring together without a single cohesive thought coming through. He didn’t care if he was a few miles above the speed limit; he needed to get to the hospital as soon as possible. He needed to see if what his coworker said was right.

If it was truly Gordon Freeman that was brought into the ER, he needed to be there.

When Barney made it to the hospital lot, he rushed through the front doors, looking around before approaching the front desk, out of breath from both the physical and mental strain that was put on him. Through harsh breaths, he asked, “Is Gordon Freeman here?”, with pleading eyes focused on the woman behind the desk.

“Oh, hello Mr. Calhoun, I can look through the system for a ‘Gordon Freeman’, if you’ll sit tight for a moment.” She looked towards the computer in front of her, typing in something and looking through files as Barney waited, his impatience building up inside of him.

“Fuck this.” He pushed himself away from the desk, storming down one of the hallways despite the woman at the front desk telling him he wasn’t allowed to as he was off duty. Barney rushed past hospital workers, asking them if they knew where Gordon was, only to be met with worried and frightened looks along with no answers. Barney’s frustration only grew as he ran through the hospital halls, with the familiar building beginning to feel like a maze meant to confuse him. As he ran further into the hospital wing, he slammed against one of the doctors in the hall, causing him to topple to the ground as Barney tripped over his own feet.

“Sorry, I just have to–”

“Barney? What the hell are you doing back here?” The man questioned as Barney sped past him.

“I’m looking for Gordon Freeman,” Barney answered, turning around. “Have you seen him?”

“He’s in the ER right now,” The man snapped back as he slowly stood up. “You can’t see him until he’s out of surgery.”

“Surgery? Is he safe? Is he alright?” Barney questioned, walking closer to the doctor. 

“Yes, he’ll be fine, just…” The doctor let out a tired sigh. “Get out of here, you’re off duty and risking your job with a stunt like this.”

“I need to see Gordon, alright?” Barney explained. “He’s been gone for a fucking DECADE, and he’s been found again, I can’t just leave him–”

“Calhoun.” The man raised his voice as he glared at Barney with a look of both contempt and pity. “...Listen, just wait until he’s out and I’ll see what I can do, do you understand?”

Barney remained silent for a moment, letting out a sharp breath before nodding. “Alright,” He stated, defeated. “But he better be getting the best treatment in there.”

“I’m sure they’re doing all they can, they understand his reputation–”

“I don’t care about his reputation, if i’m right, that’s my goddamn friend in there.” Barney spat. “...Let me know when he’s out. I need to at least…make sure it’s…the right guy.”

“I’m sure someone will let you know.” The doctor stated. “...Now please go back to the waiting room before I call security.”

Barney did as he was told, reluctantly walking across the hospital premises and back into the waiting room, where he will stay for another few hours. He paced around the room, bounced his foot up and down, fidgeted with his hands; anything to try and pass the time as the minutes passed by agonizingly slow. After he had already been there for what felt like days within the timespan of a few hours, he saw a nurse walk towards him. “Mr. Calhoun?”

Barney’s head lifted up, looking towards the nurse before following her down a hallway. After a couple-minutes walk, they stopped in front of a door leading to a recovery room. “He’s in there,” The nurse stated. “He’s currently sleeping, so I ask you to be quiet and not attempt to wake him up.”

“...Yeah.” Barney hesitated before walking through the door, stepping into the room, seeing a curtain blocking his view of the bed. He paused, standing in place for a moment as he wondered if the face he was about to see was truly Gordon, or simply someone mistaken as him. He wondered if he wanted the answer, or if he’d rather live in ignorance, avoiding the crippling disappointment if it wasn’t the man he thought it was, but as he walked past the curtain, every worry in his mind ceased and his thoughts became silent as he looked at the man on the bed.

Sure, his body was covered with blood-soaked bandages, his right leg was in a cast, he had medical equipment around him, and he was missing his glasses, but his face was painfully recognizable. Barney choked back a sob, covering his mouth when he saw Gordon’s face again.

“Are you alright?” The nurse behind him asked, noticing Barney’s teary-eyed look.

“I’m fine.” Barney whispered before letting out a short chuckle and a forced smile. “It’s just…he didn’t change a damn bit.”

Barney hadn’t even noticed it had been an hour since he entered the room, being surprised when he glanced at the clock and saw it was nearing 10 PM. He sat on a chair beside Gordon’s bed, having moved it from the corner of the room to right beside it. His leg bounced up and down as he looked at Gordon, all before lowering his head and letting out a deep sigh. He wished to speak to him but he was out of words he could possibly say at that very moment, not to mention the wish to stay quiet so Gordon could recover without being woken up. He wanted to tell Gordon everything that had happened in his absence; how Kleiner started up another lab to continue Black Mesa’s studies, how Eli also set up one on the other side of the city, and how Barney had finished college and was able to become a nurse. Gordon missed so much, and even though Barney wished to dump every piece of information onto him, he realized that even the realization that it had been ten years would be overwhelming enough. Thus, Barney figured to start simple, and just talk, like friends, for the first time since the Black Mesa incident.

As Barney leaned back into his seat he felt the back of his head hit something that wasn’t there before, feeling bitter cold yet organic at the same time, like a corpse’s fingers curling around the top of the backrest. He swung around, half expecting someone to be there, yet he saw nothing of the sort, seeing only the beige wall behind him. Barney let out his breath, looking back at Gordon before realizing he should head back; his stress and emotional state must have made him paranoid, not to mention the feeling of his hair standing on end. He stood up, walking towards the door out of the room before taking one last look back at Gordon before he finally left.

Later that night, Barney paced around his living room, being watched by his pet rottweiler as he talked on the phone. “The Survey team were the ones that found him?” he asked.

“That’s what they said,” Kleiner stated from the other side of the line. “The Vortigaunt was apparently the one that found him, specifically.”

“I see.”

“Quite Miraculous,” Kleiner continued, “The fact that Gordon had survived there for ten years before being found.”

“Yeah…” Barney unsurely stated under his breath.

“Nevermind that, what are you planning now?” Kleiner asked. “Should we have some kind of party? A celebration should be in order for him being back, I’d say–”

“I think he needs rest, he’s…been through a lot.” Barney stated. “I’ve thought of him staying over at my place until he can find a place of his own or until he recovers, but we’ll see how he’s feeling.”

“Are you sure? I’m sure we can find a spare room in the lab for him.”

“I dunno if he’d wanna live in a loud lab with a headcrab, doc.”

“...I suppose you have a fair point.”

“It was just so…strange.” Barney stated. “They say it was a ten year coma, but I don’t buy it. I don’t buy it at all.” “What makes you believe that?” 

“The fact he was bleeding. The fact he had fresh wounds from Black Mesa,” Barney elaborated, brows furrowed and his free arm crossing over his chest. “Not to mention the fact he was found with that…suit on.” “What kind of suit?” Kleiner questioned. “Oh, do you mean the Hazardous Environment Suit?”

“Yeah. Why would he be wearing it ten years after the incident was already over?”

“Who knows,” Kleiner sighed, “I’m sure I can talk with Eli to see if he has any ideas on–” Kleiner was interrupted by a loud crash and squeaking coming from behind him, audible through Barney’s phone. “Goodness gracious, LAMAR, NO–”

“You alright Doc?” 

“I’ll have to speak with you later, Lamar got in the vents again–Lamar get DOWN from there, that’s not safe!” After that, the call ended, and Barney was left to himself once again. Barney sighed, putting his phone back in his pocket before he heard a deep ruff coming from his dog, who was laying next to the couch in the living room, with its white patches of fur on its snout showing its age.

“You hear that, Gordon?” Barney said. “You might get a new roommate…a…different Gordon.”

The dog yawned and rested his head on his paws as Barney walked towards the living room couch, sitting on it and resting his feet on the coffee table in front of it. He leaned over the armrest, scratching the top of the dog’s head. “Guess I’ll have to explain to him why you’re also named Gordon, huh bud?”

Gordon didn’t respond, instead just letting out a soft ruff again. Barney leaned back in his seat, staring up at the ceiling before folding his hands on top of his stomach. He wasn’t looking forward to explaining why his pet was named after his friend, he realized. After all, it’s not very easy to tell someone you thought they were dead for years.

As soon as Barney received the call that Gordon was awake the following evening, Barney rushed back to the hospital to visit him once again. As he drove across the city, worries he didn’t think about before began to creep up inside his brain. Even though he didn’t necessarily believe the coma theory the doctors had, nor did he believe even they believed it fully, he thought of the possibility of it being true, and if Gordon would even remember who Barney was after a full decade of sleep. It would be a surprise if Gordon remembered anything after that amount of time, but Barney pushed down his pessimism, trying to be optimistic just this once.

After making his way down the hospital hallway once again, he found himself back in front of the door to Gordon’s room, with a nervous feeling deep in his gut as he prepared to walk inside. He took in a breath and stepped inside, looking towards the bed in which Gordon was laying on, only to have his gaze met by two bright green eyes, ones Barney hadn't seen since ten years prior. Barney froze in place, staring back at Gordon, who appeared to be surprised to see him. As Barney sat down in the chair beside the bed, he swallowed hard, wondering what he could possibly say now that Gordon was awake. As he thought to himself, a question left his mouth that he wasn’t initially planning on asking:

“Where were you?”

The question lingered in the air like a foul odor, with Gordon’s brows furrowing lip quivering slightly, all while he curled his hands into fists. He turned away from Barney, looking down at his feet, thinking of something to say, though his hands didn’t once lift up to sign a single word.

“You…disappear for 10 years without warning,” Barney continued. “Leaving everyone to believe you were dead.”

Gordon didn’t make eye contact with Barney as he spoke.

“I thought you were dead and buried somewhere, Gordon,” Barney choked. “But…You’re here in front of me now.”

Gordon glanced at Barney before he felt arms being wrapped around his shoulders, tight, but not too tight to make it hurt.

“I fucking missed you, Gordon.” Barney said as he hugged Gordon, feeling the gesture being returned to him. Gordon’s hands shook, feeling weak and cold, yet he didn’t want to let go of the single shred of kindness he had felt since what felt like eternity. After a few moments Barney let go, sitting back down with red, tear-filled eyes. 

“...You…missed a lot.” Barney stated; Gordon nodded knowingly in response. “I’d tell ya’ everything, but…I don’t even know how to start.”

“Are they safe?” Gordon’s hands were shaking, but Barney could make out the message regardless.

“Who, like…Kleiner? Eli?”

Gordon nodded slightly, lips pursed in anticipation. 

“They’re alright,” Barney assured, allowing Gordon to let out a breath. “In fact…they’re excited to see you again. Kleiner especially, he’s hoping to get you back into his lab…don’t know if you want to do that, but the offer’s there.”

Gordon appeared to have had a weight lifted off his shoulders at the news, but the cold yet somber gaze didn’t leave his eyes. Barney planned to tell Gordon that they were among the few survivors of the Black Mesa incident, but he bit his tongue for the time being.

“...Never thought you’d be in the history books, did ya?” Barney let out a lighthearted chuckle in an attempt to lighten the mood. “You’re a hero in everyone’s eyes, now.”

Gordon shook his head, looking down and away from Barney’s gaze as he clasped his hands together on his lap. Barney stared at him with a look of confusion and worry, all before forcefully clearing his throat. 

“I’m just…happy to see you alive, Gordon.” Barney stated. “After…a few years I began to…to lose hope.” Barney paused for a second, realizing Gordon was still not meeting his gaze. “...Should’ve known you were a tougher son of a bitch than that, I guess.”

Gordon scoffed slightly before shaking his head again, still staring at his feet. Silence fell as Barney attempted to think of something else to say to ease the tense atmosphere, though his thoughts were blank and void of any ideas. Barney looked towards Gordon yet again, seeing he was raising his hands up to sign something:

“Missed you too.”

Barney smiled slightly, despite feeling as if he wanted to cry right then and there. He never anticipated he’d be this emotional in his life, yet here he was; about to cry for the second time that day. Seeing his legally dead friend after ten years of being missing in action was enough to warrant it, he supposed.

“I’m sure the others will be happy to show you everything they’ve been working on,” Barney said, with Gordon finally looking back up at him, before looking directly behind him, “They’ve been working on a new telepor–”

Gordon flinched, staring at something behind Barney before attempting to crawl backwards, nearly ripping off his IV in the process. Barney looked behind him, seeing nothing but the wall before he heard a loud thud coming from the bed. He turned, seeing Gordon had fallen off of the bed and onto the cold linoleum floor. “Gordon!” Barney quickly ran to his aid, holding out an arm for Gordon to grab, lifting him off of the floor. When weight was put onto his right leg, Gordon grimaced, using Barney as leverage as he was put back onto the bed. “Jeez Gordon, what got you freaked out so ba–”

Barney was silenced when Gordon hugged him without warning. Barney could hear him quietly sobbing into his shoulder, and as he returned the hug, he wondered if he had ever seen Gordon so touchy before; It was as if he hadn’t had human contact in days. This time however, Barney wasn’t quick to let go. The last thing he wanted to do was leave his best friend behind again.

Not this time.

[langernameohnebedeutung]

a thing worth noting that with the examples the reblogger gave about "female obsessive characters" is that when it is a female character that's obsessed with boys or men it is almost always played as either a joke or meant to be seen as dangerous and creepy - usually both. All the "boycrazy" female characters in the example are meant to be seen as antagonists and/or comic relief, and we know the classic trope of the "maneater". Meanwhile when a male character is "girlcrazy" and behaves in a similar way as the girl characters more often than not he is meant to be seen as an underdog, an aspiration, a guy who is "maybe overdoing it a little" but who you are meant to root for anyways. Take for example the guy in Love, Actually whose only character trait is wanting to sleep with as many women as possible and whose sole goal in the movie was trying to get to US america bc "it is full of hot babes" and who you are clearly meant to root for when he immediately gets flirted with by not one but three "horny sex manic" women at the same time (all of whom he ends up sleeping with at the same time) as soon as he arrives there. The only times I can think of something like that happening to a "boycrazy" female character and being meant as a positive thing may be romance movies targeted at a female audience already, while male characters like that can be found in almost every movie or show there is

That is a good point - usually, the joke is that the woman is being "hysteric/insane/axe-crazy" like the character I think they mentioned from Fairly Odd Parents but not really someone you should sympathise with like we are expected to with the Big Bang Theory guys. Plus, there is also a lot of attractiveness-based dehumanisation happening there. (In fact, ironically, Barney Stinson even directly says this in an episode, describing women on an acceptable hot to crazy ratio)

Plus, I also think it's important to consider that a lot of the bias against women is expressed in a misogynistic, patriarchal framework, not an egalitarian one. Obviously, our point of view (I hope) would be to look at the action that was committed and evaluate the moral implication of that action, regardless of gender. To say: "This Action is bad and you shouldn't treat anyone like that, no matter what gender you are or they are". But 2000s sitcoms do NOT operate based on that standard of morality (hell no, that's kind of the issue here).

(in fact, a lot of media still doesn't do this, that's why movies constantly have those scenes about women slapping their boyfriends which make me want to rip my own hair out. Which is a good example of why this isn't simply a dynamic of 'women are allowed stuff and men aren't': It's a complex interplay of various aspects of heteronormative culture and patriarchal tradition. Most of these movies are made by men. And these men certainly are not some dedicated feminists, otherwise they wouldn't portray (and treat) women like they do. Hollywood certainly doesn't historically or culturally come from a feminist perspective of "abuse is abuse, regardless of gender" and they are certainly not those evul, conniving misandrist manhaters that the right likes to imagine going: "I think physical abuse is okay when a woman does it, so I will portray her slapping around men" (in fact, the right rarely takes offence to these things UNLESS it is to silence conversations about misogyny in media)

The truth is: A lot of writers who write these tropes simply do not consider it abuse. We talked about why they excuse it in men like Barney Stinson (usually by focusing on the men's side of things and using the female characters as props) but that's not how it works for female characters. In fact, the men getting slapped around ARE characters whose interior workings the movie or show addresses. And we are not supposed to find either more or less sympathetic for this. If these writers came from the perspective "this action is bad, regardless of who does it", why would they make light of their lead characters suffering physical domestic abuse? Why would they still treat the woman like a viable love-interest (and her action as justified when they would never portray it vice-versa?) Even make it a punchline? - The reason is that they come from a place where a) women are by nature ineffective creatures for better or worse and b) that a manly Man-Man(TM) cannot be hurt by a woman through the same action through which he might hurt a woman. Because of Man Strong and Woman Weak. A male character who genuinely reacts to being slapped is portrayed as being whiny and weak.)

And I think if we look at the issue in that context, we realise there is in fact (back to the original point of my post) a lot of predatory (or perceived as predatory) behaviour that female characters are criticised for by the narrative that don't really play a role for a male character - BUT: It's usually not about getting The Sex.

The patriarchal, heteronormative narrative is that a) "men always want sex" and b) sex is a resource that women possess and must be "convinced" to give to men (and the more Manly Points you have, the more easily women will drop that sex-loot for you.) - that, on top of the 'women are ineffective' theme is why there are so few shows genuinely judging male and female characters the same just based on their actions. That is the reason why a lot of the time when a (conventionally attractive! of course!) female character commits what is basically sexual assault against a male character, that man is portrayed as happy about it in the end (especially when it's about scenes where he loses his "virginity") - it's because the patriarchal reading of this situation, fucked up as it is, is "she gave him a gift". (She is only treated as predatory if he finds out that he doesn't consider her attractive later) This is also the reason why a lot of men feel more attacked by something like the Barbie movie than all those classic sitcom tropes of men being slapped by their girlfriends - because for them, one of those upholds their worldview of Man = Strong / Woman = Weak and one challenges it. And the one that challenges that view is not the one where a woman slaps a man).

A lot of the time, when movies and shows conceived in this patriarchal framework actually want to portray women as predatory, they (unsurprisingly) also conceive predatory behaviour (in women) in the same patriarchal framework - or rather, their patriarchal framework informs them of what kind of behaviour is predatory in women - something that is usually informed by real-life misogynistic stereotypes and narratives - like the femme fatale, the succubus, the maneater, the vampire).

[wistfulweaverwoman]

6 , 7, 30?

6. I’ve answered that one in a previous post

7. Is there a character or ship that you’d love to write for, but haven’t yet?

Yes, I’d love to write some Valancy/Barney (The Blue Castle for those of you unfamiliar with that ship). No idea what… maybe the story from Barney’s perspective?

30. What do you struggle with most when writing?

Um. Staying motivated. When I write something new or update a fic and get almost no feedback I feel like I suck and should just delete everything and give up writing altogether and like delete my tumblr because no one really likes me anyways.

Then I have to go through this whole psychological process of talking myself off the metaphorical ledge and reminding myself that I write for me. I really do enjoy reading my own stories and get annoyed when I get to the last chapter of a fic I’m writing and remember that I if I want to read more I actually have to write it. And then I remind myself that other people do enjoy my writing, even if it’s only a few that actually comment. My works on AO3 have 18k hits this year, and nearly 1k kudos, and 450+ subscribers. So I’ve only gotten 165 comments… that’s okay! Each one is precious because each person took time to let me know personally what they like/love about my art!!

[mittensmorgul]

Today on the TNT loop... 12.23 and 13.01 (so far, it’s early and we’re going through 13.04 today). So I’m deep in the Grief Arc feels.

But again, it all hits different now. Yes, I’ve rewatched these since 15.20 aired, this is my second pass through the loop since then. But with a bit of emotional distance from that mess, there’s interesting stuff here.

Looking at the finale, at what Jack would become, at how that ties in with themes of Faith versus Free Will... it’s like this was the point where Chuck finally weaponized free will against them, where their choices would play into his story rather than fight against it. No wonder Dean was so angry after this point.

No wonder Chuck abandoned them, refused to answer Dean’s prayer to bring Cas back. Cas wasn’t SUPPOSED to come back. Chuck finally got him out of the way, and it was literally Dean’s grief unwittingly channeled through Jack’s power that woke him up again and gave him the tools to fight his way back. The fact Cas never KNEW this is still one of those things that I will scream forever about.

(In every way that actually mattered, Dean was silenced)

But in today’s viewing, I’m mostly screaming about the “drunk angel” Miriam and her vendetta against Becky.

DRUNK WOMAN: Whoa. What happened to you hand?

DEAN: Nothin’.

DRUNK WOMAN: Doesn’t look like nothing. You punch a wall or something? I punched a wall once. Well, a poster on a wall, but same diff, right? Freshman year, I had this roommate, Becky. She had this giant poster of Elsa. You know, from “Frozen”? And I mean, first, who brings something like that to college? A cartoon? Really? Like, “hello homeschool,” right?

[As she is talking, Drunk Woman is writing something in the dust of the Impala’s passenger side window, and Dean removes a bottle of whisky from the trunk. He takes a swallow and then pours some over his bloody knuckles]

DEAN: You done?

DRUNK WOMAN: Anyway, Becky was - and I say this in the most feminist, screw the patriarchy way - a giant superbitch. She’d take things, and break things, and piss people off, and just do whatever she wanted, no matter who it hurt.

[Dean is making please stop talking faces at her but she is oblivious]

DRUNK WOMAN: It’s like the whole world was just Becky to her, you know?

DEAN: Mmm. So you punched her poster.

DRUNK WOMAN: And lit most of her stuff on fire.

[Dean gives her a look]

DRUNK WOMAN: I got issues.

[...]

[As the Impala pulls away, you can see Drunk Woman has written “BITCH” in the dust on the window.]

*

So, we have this invented story about a woman named Becky. But after s15, we KNOW how much control Chuck has over the story, and especially of certain characters-- like demons and angels. This is why he was so infuriated that he couldn’t just control Castiel. We saw him DIRECTLY insert Lilith back into the story in 15.05, limiting her power to ONLY follow his “script.” To the point she was entirely self-aware of this and her place in the story, and the fact that she was essentially just a character in the story without free will.

And I kinda wonder how much Miriam functions in the exact same way-- the way Chuck has implied that ALL angels are expected to function.

MIRIAM: Okay. If she shoots you. (Sheriff Barker looks to Dean in confusion) I don't know what he's told you. I mean, I can guess. Some line about how he and his brother... (deepens voice) save the world. Grr. So macho. (she sighs and speaks in her normal voice) But really, he's not a hero. He's Becky. DEAN: Becky? The roommate Becky? MIRIAM: You take things and break things and piss people off, and just do whatever you want, no matter who it hurts. Also, you're a giant super bitch. DEAN: Well, it takes one to know one. MIRIAM: So, yeah, you're Becky, and Becky needs to die. You're on, Barney Fife.

*

Yes... she says Dean is “Becky,” this Becky that breaks things and who saw the whole world as Becky... Though... her understanding of how free will works in this context really does sound twisted and tainted by Chuck’s perspective on his own “disobedient” characters. Because to Chuck, the story is the most important thing, it’s the only thing, and it’s entirely his own creation.

No wonder creating human souls made him feel a little queasy... and I’m still not sure that was something he actually did on purpose, especially with the free will bit included in the package. Because from the moment free will existed, Chuck began to lose control of the story of creation. People could choose to tell their OWN stories, better stories than the one Chuck created the universe to tell in the first place. Humanity makes things better, bigger than Chuck could imagine, through the power of love that Chuck could never invent for himself or understand for himself. Or even possibly FEEL for himself.

And who was his original human pawn in the story, way back in 5.01? Becky. Becky who took HIS story and “broke” it and pissed him off, doing whatever she wanted no matter who it hurt (even if it was only Him as the Original Author getting precious about his story). But as we saw in 15.04, Becky refused to just take his story as he dished it out. She went out and made her own life, reimagined the Story of Supernatural as something better than it was-- filed with life and humanity and love. She stopped idolizing HIM as the creator and saw it as HER story now too, the version she was passionate about, the version that brought HER joy.

And what did Chuck do to her? Like Miriam, he “punched her cartoon poster” and then burned most of her stuff. Because Becky had the audacity to take the story she’d been written into and make it her own. She refused to “obey” the story Chuck wanted to tell. And he saw her story as infantile and uninteresting. Because he couldn’t just let it go... like Elsa... lol.

And what Chuck can’t control, he tends to destroy, like Miriam did in this episode. Only... Miriam failed too. Sure, it was only one battle in the long war of Free Will versus The Story, but it was the opening note in this section of the story which was supposed to be about Humanity and Free Will finally triumphing over the story to free themselves from it.

The story itself was telling humanity to hold on, to keep telling OUR version of the story, because that was how to defeat the story itself. Human love and choice and will as something BETTER than the story Chuck wanted to tell. Not just handing it off to someone who has been built into the perfect vessel to carry on his story, but literally allowing humanity to be free from the narrative Chuck spent all of creation trying to build for them. And that freedom was literally built upon the very human love embodied in Dean Winchester (and learned by Castiel to the point it changed him and freed him from Chuck’s control). Cas deserved to come back. Jack deserved to be freed from his destiny. Billie deserved better than being manipulated and villainized by Chuck’s final chapter. Eileen deserved the freedom to choose her own happiness. Sam deserved a chance to do the same. Dean deserved to live, and to have a chance to tell Cas he feels exactly the same way about him. And that’s the tip of the iceberg of what everyone deserved.

(they deserved to not be “burned” for their audacity to want something more than what Chuck thought they deserved)

They deserved to hang up their Frozen posters without some self-righteous bitch judging them for it, and to live their lives how THEY wanted to, rather than how Chuck thought they should for his own egotistical self-justification.

Chuck said way back in s11 that he wanted to create the universe to make something better than just him and Amara, and everything after that point reads like he was pissed off at the fact that humanity went out and actually DID grow to be better than him, in every way possible. Sure, we fuck up, we make mistakes, and some of us are actively malicious and terrible people. But... overall? We try. We keep trying to be better, to love more, to choose the right thing... to do our best in a world where it’s far too easy to do our worst, to take a few words from Cas.

And it just hurts my heart to know what we COULD have had if Chuck didn’t actually win.

[gt-ridel]

Several hundred words of Half-Life Borrower!AU goodness

(Hi, this is Passportinspection!) Oooh goodness. I actually started writing this as an ask. I really thought what I had to say would fit into an ask. Since sending that anon about having 350 words of thoughts, I ended up getting distracted for a few hours, and then when I came back to this, I apparently had 400 more words to say. I just love rambling what-ifs about AUs. :’>

_

Hi Passportinspection!  Sorry it took so long to reply to this. I had more work than I thought yesterday. >__< I totally agree! Rambling about what-ifs is WAY more fun than actually writing a story. ;;>__> _

These are… not all A-list ideas, and I was very tempted to cut it down to the best bits, BUT I know that if someone said to me “I had 5 ideas for your au but only told you the 2 good ones” I would be extremely interested in hearing the 3 bad ones anyway, so… here it all is. This was written pretty stream-of-consciousness and then rearranged a bit to form my pinballing thoughts into something a little more linear, but, fair warning, it wasn’t edited much beyond that.

_ Ooo, I absolutely want to hear everything! All ideas, good and bad! Are you kidding? (Gets comfy) _

I keep thinking about the end of that “gordon takes borrower!barney with him through the events of HL1” scenario; Imagining gman’s speech at the end, I like the idea of him saying something like, “As for your.. /passenger/..” and both of their bloods running cold. I can’t decide if I’d rather barney actually go into stasis with gordon or not I think it could be an interesting/cute concept- the idea that gman/his employers figured barney was enough of a factor in gordon’s success that they thought it would be wise to keep them together for future “assignments.”

_ Bro I'll be honest, I hadn't gotten that far in the AU because I still haven't finished the game. My only reference for G-man is Mr. Coolatta. So I'll have to at least look the ending up on youtube before I'll be able to give my informed opinion.  But taking it as is?  That would be freaking terrifying. They've met some other scientists and security guards during their escape, but the HEV helmet was a perfect hiding place. None of them ever noticed that Gordon wasn't alone.  But somehow this reality bending creep knows, and it looks like he's not going to let Barney and Gordon just go home, which was basically what they were fighting for the whole time.  _

I’m also thinking about, like.. With Barney in Gordon’s helmet with him, Gordon must be able to feel him tense up and hear his breathing speed up whenever something particularly scary/dangerous happens, maybe even at times faintly feel the fluttering of his heart, and it strengthens his resolve to make it out of there bc it’s not just himself he’s saving. 🥺 Also Barney can provide running commentary, which perhaps soothes both of their nerves a little. Maybe he even helps with some puzzles. :> I also think it’s funny/convenient that that would work really well for an actual video game format. A friend that’s with you wherever you go that sees everything you see but can’t interact with the world but provides commentary and occasional helpful tips? That fits in nicely!

  _ Ha! Something I was thinking about was how Barney has spent his whole life living in the vents and such. He would probably be a perfect guide for Gordon. :3 As for Gordon feeling when Barney gets tense or scared and that fuling his drive to escape, that was ABSOLUTELY one of the reasons I wanted Barney in the helmet.  It would be uncomfortable, inconvenient, and down right dangerous sometimes. But you cannot deny the unique opportunities for deeper emotional exploration it would present. _

…But also, now that I think about it, maybe there are parts where the only way forward is for Barney to slip through a crack in a blockaded doorway and use a control panel that opens another door- that sort of thing. He gets to help with more than just talking sometimes! :> Oh, dang, imagine the part where gordon gets jumped and almost killed by the military. Poor Barney. D: Maybe a factor in Gordon escaping the trash compactor before it crushes him is Barney frantically trying to wake him up.

_ I was defo hyperfixating on what the whole beat down would be like from Barney's perspective a few days ago! Gordon would be at an extra disadvantage in the fight because he'd have to be careful not to accidentally bash Barney between his skull and the helmet while he's being smacked around.  Imagine Barney being tossed all over the small space, maybe ending up pinned when Gordon finally passes out. Noticing when a small stream of blood starts leaking from his friends mouth and soaking into his clothes. Gordon is completely helpless, and so is Barney as he hears the soldiers talking about what they're going to do with the body.  I just think that whole scene and the escape from the trash compactor would be so fun and exciting~ -

Also, unrelated, but I wonder how barney would wake up in city 17, if he did go into stasis with gordon. That is, since gordon is wearing a citizen outfit when he comes out of stasis, barney obviously can’t be in the helmet anymore. Maybe gman elects to move barney to a pocket somewhere instead lol. I’m imagining as soon as gordon is released from whatever effect gman had him under and he’s able to move again, he starts patting himself down looking for Barney (the same way one does when they forget which pocket their phone is in ), bc last he knew Barney was right up against his face and now he’s /not/, and that man SAID they’d be “hired” as a team so /where is he/ because Gordon needs to know he’s /okay/. As Barney is released from the same effect, he probably moves and makes himself apparent, so it’s only for like a second that Gordon is doing that.

_ Once again, I can't speak much to what would happen in a HL2 continuation of this story, but that sounds about right for an initial reaction scene.  Imagine Barney just coming out of it and being in some sort of... bag? being jostled around? He feels a giant hand pat over him from outside and he grunts in surprise. Then the hand rests against him and Barney realizes he's in a humans breast pocket, being held against someones chest as beside him a thundering heart slowly begins to calm. He figures this must be Gordon. He doesn't KNOW any other humans, and he can't imagine that man in the suit would be all that concerned about Barney's wellbeing.  _ 

Barney doesn’t know where they are/who else is out there at all ‘cause he can’t see from where he is, and Gordon can feel him shifting to lean out of the pocket and get a look, and he just puts a hand over the pocket, covering the opening in the process, and applies a gentle pressure for a couple moments, and Barney knows that means he needs to stay put because it’s not safe to come out yet. Thankfully Barney heard Gman talking to Gordon and addressing him by name, so he doesn’t have to worry about whose pocket he just woke up in. He would probably somewhat recognize Gordon’s gait/the feel of his hands at that point, too. As for how Gordon avoids boarding the train to Nova Prospekt without canon barney there to stop him, I have no idea.

  _ YEAAAH that is a good point. Barney is kind of vital for that role. Maybe we can slot a different character into his place. ^__^;; _

Oooh, going back a bit, maybe when the nihilanth is teleporting gordon around in the boss level, or from the very beginning when gordon jumps into the portal to Xen, they get teleported separately and end up in different places? (Ignoring for a moment the parts with portals in Black Mesa ^^;) That sure is an additional level of distress for the both of them during the Big Final Level(s). And then perhaps at the end, part of gman’s speech can be like, “As for your.. companion, you can rest assured he was recovered safe and sssound. After all, you two performed so well, together, it would be ideal to hire you as, a team.” Or whatever

_ Imagine Barney, stranded and alone on Xen, desperately trying to find Gordon, and having his OWN creepy G-man encounter. :U _

Our Barney AUs differ in some exciting ways and it’s fun to play in someone else’s sandbox for a while. :p I’ll probably cut my notes doc down into something readable and post it sometime in the near-ish future.. Either that or actually write the dang fic.

_ I would absolutely LOVE to hear about your AU too! So if you do either of those things, be sure to @ me!  Thank you so much for playing in this sandbox with me. I am ALWAY down to talk Borrower AU stuff. It's just so much dang fun! ^0^

[repulsivepangolin7]

Fic: Night out

Word count:3830

*Two-three months after the ‘Earthquake’ event*

Street slapped on the doorframe as he office landscape part of the metro division. Neither of the three officers in there looked up.

“Hey! Luca!” he grinned as the blond looked up from his computer screen, “The rest of the team is thinking about going out tonight. Find a sweet bar and have a few drinks, would be really cool if you joined us.”

Luca flashed a brief smile, then sighed, “I don’t know…”

“Come on, we’ll make sure there’s a good bench where you can sit and have your leg up.” Street tried to bribe.

“I can’t drink…” Luca shrugged, “Pain meds and alcohol don’t mix.”

“Well, I won’t either. I’m the DD…”

“Designated driver…” he chuckled, “Yeah, guess it was your turn right about now…”

Street nodded, “Come on, the team misses you…”

“Well, I’m right here…”

“-You know what I mean…”

“Yeah, I do…” Luca nodded.

“So, can I count you in?”

Luca sighed, glancing down at the leg he had propped up on a second chair and a few pillows. “Look, I… My leg still really hurts… And I feel drained of all energy.”

Street nodded, “I feel bad trying to convince you to go out with us, but… How about you go out with us, and if you feel like you have to bail after 10-20 minutes, then that’s fine. I’ll drive you home. Just, please?”

Luca smiled a bit, “Promise? It won’t be weird?”

“Of course, no one will think it’s weird that you suddenly might feel like the couch or bed back home is a better option. We all know what happened in the first place.”

Luca nodded, “So, are we headed straight to the bar after work, or?”

“No, some of us DEFINITELY need a shower before seeing civilians.” Street chuckled.

“Good, my work pillbox is empty, so  since we’re going home first I can grab my next dose before we go out.”

Street nodded, “Forgot to fill it up?”

“No, just figured I had enough for the shift.” Luca shrugged.

Street nodded and stood a bit taller to check the coffee mug on Luca’s desk, “Want some more coffee?”

Luca chuckled, “Yeah, that’d be great.”

Street smiled and walked over to Luca’s desk to grab his mug. “So, do you want to grab some food someplace before we go to the bar?”

“Oh, YES.” Luca beamed, “I’m hungry as F…”

Street grinned as he filled up Luca’s mug with coffee, “What kind of food do you want?”

“Anything’s good.” Luca shrugged.

“I found this new Lithuanian place. The food is amazing, not necessarily modern looking, but amazing.”

Luca grinned, “Sounds awesome.”

“We can pick it up on our way home…”

Luca nodded, “Sounds good.”

Street placed the coffee mug in front of Luca, “Alright, then I tell the team that you’re in tonight. And I’ll see you in half an hour.”

Luca nodded.

 SWATSWATSWAT

 “He’s in!” Street grinned as he returned to the rest of the team, “But we need to pick a bar where he can sit comfortably.”

“Of course.” Hondo nodded. “What about Ercoles?”

“Or Good Times At Davy Wayne’s…” Chris shrugged, “Couches there as well.”

“Barney’s Beanery?” Street shrugged.

“Ercoles…” Deacon shrugged, “Ercoles is probably the speed Luca’s up for right now.”

Street nodded, “Yeah. You’ve got a point.”

“Let’s take Ercoles.” Tan shrugged, “That’s not too far from where you live either. Shorter drive when he’s out of energy.”

Street nodded, “Another good point.”

 SWATSWATSWAT

 Street almost regretted convincing Luca that a night out with the team would be a good idea when he heard the older man hiss as something flared up while they were walking from their car to their house with the takeaway they planned on eating before going out.

“Hey, you good?”

Luca had already stopped in his track, but when Street asked he looked back up and feigned a smile. “Yeah, just…”

“Just?”

Luca shrugged.

“Couldn’t come up with a reasonable lie?”

Luca rolled his eyes, “Just didn’t want to worry you. Just had a slight muscle spasm. Nothing to even think about.”

Street raised his eyebrows, not buying what Luca tried selling at all. “Sure.”

“Look, my leg will so weird shit like this for a long time, and you know it.” Luca started hobbling again, “That it does so when my last dose of meds are almost worn out is nothing to write home about. It’s natural. I just need to get my pill and relax for like  half an hour. I’ll be good to go.”

Street kept his ‘not-believing-you’ look as he stared Luca down.

“Come on, I’m starving…” Luca complained as he stopped once more, but this time in front of Luca, “Are you going unlock the door or not? I didn’t even grab my keys this morning… -And I kinda want to sit down as well.”

Street chuckled a little and found the right key, “Alright.”

He held the door open for Luca, then he gestured to the couch, “Go sit down, I’ll get your meds. They’re on your nightstand, right?”

“Yeah, thanks…” Luca offered up a small smile as he hobbled towards the couch. He was not to proud to accept help like that when it was offered up. Once upon a not-so-distant time he might have been stubborn enough to growl in Street’s direction and claim that he could do it his damn self. But a crush injury often changes your perspective a bit.

He had just gotten himself arranged on the couch when Street rattled his pill bottle behind his shoulder.  “Here you go…”

“Thank you.” Luca winked as he took the pill bottle, twisted the cap off and popped a pill into his mouth.

“And some soda to wash it down with…” Street held up a bottle of coke, “Figured you wanted that to go with the takeout.”

“Thanks again.” Luca grinned, took the bottle and took a sip before swallowing the pill, “Now that food smells amazing… Let’s eat.”

Street nodded and placed the plastic bag with takeout on the table. “I’ll get some plates and forks. I just ordered two different platters that I like, my guess is you’ll like them as well. This way we can both have a bit of each.”

Luca nodded and adjusted the way his leg was rested on top of the pillows, not without a slight grimace.

“Look, if you feel like you need to skip out on us today, I get it…” Street said from the kitchen, “It would be awesome if you’re able to join us, but seeing how much it bothers you… The rest of the team would obviously understand.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Luca shook his head as he sat back, “I just need like half an hour and for the pill I just took to start working. It’ll hurt a lot less then.”

“You sure?”

“You didn’t have to try that hard to convince me, remember?”

Street shrugged as he walked back to the living room table with plates and forks. “I just don’t want you to push yourself too hard either, especially not since I came up with a reckless idea.”

“Going to a bar can’t be considered reckless. Not unless you plan on getting into trouble.” Luca chuckled, “Besides, you said we were going to Ercoles, I can sit in a booth and sip coffee or soda and just rest.”

Street nodded.

 SWATSWATSWAT

 “I think I’m good to go now…” Luca winked over at Street a bit after they had finished their dinner, “I should probably change into some off-duty clothes.”

Street nodded, “Yeah, I should too…”

Luca smirked as he started to lift his leg off the pillows it had rested on, this time without a grimace to go along with the task. “You think boardshorts are okay? It’s either that or sweatpants. I had to get a bigger pair of uniform pants just for them to fit over this damn cast.”

“Don’t you have that pair of baggy cargo pants?”

“Yeah, but those are visibly dirty…” Luca shrugged.

“It might be a bit cold in just shorts…”

“We’re going to be indoors, and I’m not exactly one to freeze easily…”

“True.” Street nodded, “Go for the shorts. Should I bring a pillow you can have under your leg?”

“That would be great…” Luca nodded as he reached for his crutches.

 SWATSWATSWAT

 He had been more than a little skeptical about going out. His lower leg and knee was still causing him all sorts of pain. But it had been so long since he had actually hung out with the team.  

He was stuck with Street on the regular, but the other guys and Chris he really missed. And to be completely honest, being at home with Street wasn’t the same as hitting up a bar with him.

He sat on one side of the booth with his bad leg up on the bench. He was enjoying a cup of strong coffee and all his good friends were there.

Street had found a barstool and placed himself in front of his leg like a human shield, to make sure no drunk person would accidentally bump into it. The risk of just that happening wasn’t that great at the moment though, the bar was far from crowded. Probably because it was a Tuesday, but for the team it was the ‘weekend’.

Chris sat beside Street on another barstool. Hondo and Tan filled up the other side of the booth and Deacon was over at the bar ordering another beer, a third barstool was waiting patiently for him.

 SWATSWATSWAT

 “So I’m barreling down Mansfield Avenue, running as fast as I freaking can…” Tan’s in the middle of an old ‘war-story’, “Then at one of the last cross streets before Melrose Avenue, a freaking Prius comes out straight in front of me. Too late for me to stop, too late for me to try to jump the hood, or… You know, just jump the entire car…”

The team chuckled a little.

“So, at full speed I run into this Prius. My partner was like 10-20 yards behind me, and he claimed it hurt all the way back there.”  Tan chuckled, “Now it didn’t hurt that bad, but I did forget about the chase we were in the middle of. The Prius needed a new side window and to get it’s side door straightened. And I took about forty stitches in total after that run-in.”

“I hope you did some sort of ‘you-should-see-the-other-guy’ thing when you returned to the station.” Chris chuckled, “Poor Prius…”

Luca chuckled.

“Oh, I’ve got a nice one…” Hondo grinned, “Way back in the day, long before I made SWAT…”

The team turned their attention to him.

“I was probably in my early 20’s… I was teamed up with a guy who did not like my guts.” Hondo chuckled, “You know the kind… Anyway, we were going to enter this building. There had been a ‘call’ about domestic violence.”

Luca looked up, “Is it…?”

“You and Deke know the story…” Hondo nodded, “I was the first to enter. The only one to enter.”

Deacon grimaced, knowing what was to come.

“You see, this guy who hated me mostly because I tanned easier than him had managed trick some of his street friends into doing a fake call.” Hondo sighed, “He slammed the door shut behind me, and five gangsters attacked me.”

The whole team grimaced by then.

“I managed to shoot one of them in the shoulder, and that’s how it ended. They figured it was best to bail by then. But I looked like I had been in the ring with Muhammed Ali. One of my eyes were swollen shut, I had a split lip that needed twelve stitches. Lots of other small nicks and a ton of bruises. I could barely stand straight for two weeks. I don’t remember how many ribs I cracked, but it was more than a few. Let’s just say that I refused to have that guy as a partner for another shift.”

“Did he get fired?” Street asked.

“Not straight away…” Luca shook his head.

“No, not straight away…” Hondo nodded, “The bastard had friends both in high and low places. He did get caught eventually though.”

“Man, I wish I could’ve kicked his ass myself…” Luca sighed.

Deacon nodded.

“Well, ancient history…” Hondo shrugged, “Now, I know you’ve also got an ancient history story for us Luca… Come with it!”

“Oh, you mean the one where I fell off a truck?” Luca chuckled, one hand absentmindedly rubbing against his cast.

Hondo nodded.

“Alright.” Luca nodded and shifted a little in his seat, “Now, this was also LONG before SWAT…I had worked a couple of years, maybe. But I was still a bit… A bit of a hothead and quick to action.”

He paused and took a sip of his coffee.

“So, me and my partner had found this truck that had been associated with some kidnappers. We checked it. None of the suspects in sight. My partner called it in, I stuck around. These guys were known for beating their hostages to pulp basically, and two of them had ended up dead. I heard them approaching while Tim was calling it in by our car, which was parked on the other side of the store. We were actually going to get some grub…”

“What did you do?” Chris asked.

“I realized that I could not be seen. I was in uniform and I didn’t know what would happen if they saw me. I didn’t know if they had guns, I didn’t know if they would open fire in the middle of the street. I didn’t know a lot of stuff.”

“So…?” Tan asked.

“He climbed up on top of the rig…” Deacon chuckled.

Luca nodded. “I did. It was the only route that guaranteed that I wouldn’t be spotted.”

Hondo chuckled.

“Now, it was all fun and games until they started up the truck, and I found myself on the top of a moving Peterbilt. Now, Tim had seen the truck roll out, and decided to follow it. Even though he couldn’t find me. And as a note to you younger guys this was before we wore our radios. So… He couldn’t just call me up either.” Luca grinned, “He pulled out on the street, followed the truck at some distance. No lights, no sirens. But… I guess the guys saw him and realized they were in trouble.”

“Uhuh…” Street nodded, “Then what?”

“They stepped on the gas.” Luca chuckled, “And I hung on for dear life.”

Hondo grinned wide, he had heard the old story about a billion times before. Because he often asked Luca to tell that story if they were alone, mostly because of the ending. But he knew the younger crowd probably hadn’t heard it before.

“So, yeah… Tim had called for backup. So this other squad car comes roaring up the street, opposite direction. Which led to some impressive driving from the kidnappers, I’ve got to credit that to them. Which again made it a whole lot more difficult to stay on top of that rig. At one point a chopper came on top of us… And the truck sped up even more.”

Deacon nodded, he had heard the story a few times before, but not as many times as Hondo.

“Anyway. Soon enough the kidnappers messed up and they took the wrong  turn and ended up in a place where the road was under construction..” Luca chuckled a bit, “I give you one chance to guess what happened when the driver hit his breaks…”

“Ouch, you fell off?” Chris frowned.

“Bingo!” Luca chuckled, “Broke my wrist going down there. Anyway, kidnappers are on their way out of their truck, and yup… They had guns, because they started shooting towards the now three squad cars behind them.”

Hondo nodded, a smirk growing on his face.

“Now, my right hand was pretty much useless. I couldn’t even get my gun out of the holster with that hand.” Luca said, studying his own thick wrist, “I didn’t get my gun out before the kidnappers decided to retreat to the front of the truck, you know… Right where my broken wrist and I was.”

Deacon chuckled a bit.

“Somehow I manage to choke out the first guy. The smaller guy, of course…” Luca chortled, “So you can say I’m kinda outta luck at that point. Now, this hothead officer from one of the other squads came over.”

Both Deacon and Hondo laughed. Hard.

“What? What’s so funny?” Tan looked between the three oldest members.

“Well, the second hothead was him…” Deacon chuckled as he jerked his thumb in Hondo’s direction.

“Yep…” Luca nodded, “He took care of the two other kidnappers. And right about then a small squad of four rappelled down from the chopper which had been hovering above us for I don’t know how long…”

“Now THIS, THIS is the best part!” Hondo shot in, forcing the others to pay attention.

“Turns out it was SWAT.” Luca blushed at the thought, “Grandpa’s team… Grandpa and my dad were two of the guys who rappelled down.”

“NO?” Street’s jaw was hanging about an inch further down than usual.

“Yeah.” Luca shook his head, “I got the sternest talking to in my adult life right then and there…”

“He means they were just about to smack him around…” Hondo chuckled.

“I think they would’ve…” Luca shrugged, “If I hadn’t been grimacing and holding my wrist already… I was probably too pathetic looking to slap. I had gone one step beyond getting my ass kicked.”

“You’re kidding?” Tan chuckled.

Luca shook his head, “You’ve got to remember that people didn’t care that much back in the day if you spanked your kids. Or straight up beat the shit out of them in some cases. Now, as every other kid growing up in the 70s, I had been smacked a couple of times. So… I knew the look in both my dad and grandpa. They were almost vibrating as they gave me a firm shouting to about how ‘god-damned’ stupid I had been.”

“I didn’t know you back then, but I was certain those two SWAT officers were going to knock you out at any second…” Hondo shook his head at the memory, “Oh, and you were like 60% road rash…”

Luca nodded.

“That’s it…” Chris threw her hands up in the air, “I don’t have anything to top that!”

Deacon grinned, “Let’s hear yours anyway.”

“I got made on an undercover gig.” she shrugged, “Got roughed up a bit.”

“Care to elaborate?” Street tilted his head.

“Nope.” She shook her head, “Now Deke, what’s yours?”

“Broke my pelvis once.” He shrugged, causing the entire rest of the team either shudder or frown at the thought.

“I’m going to regret this, but how?” Tan asked looking at the grey haired man.

“Tossed from a window and onto a concrete wall a floor or two lower.” Deacon took another sip of his beer, “It was very uncomplicated. Basically the best kind of break you can have in your pelvis. Hurt like crazy though.”

Tan frowned.

Deacon nodded, then he looked over at Street. “You’re up…”

Street looked over at Luca, “Well… If you feel like stopping me, just do so…”

Luca scrounged up his nose “Why?”

“I got my leg trapped under my motorcycle once.”

“This is a work story, right?” Tan asked.

Street nodded, “Yes. I rode a police motorcycle for a while.”

“One of them big, boxy, ones?” Luca frowned.

“Big, not exactly boxy anymore…” Street nodded.

“How?”

“A bit outside of the city limits. Gravel road. A tractor came backing towards me around a bend. I hit the wrong break…”

“So you hit your front break and…”Luca let his hand mimic the motorcycle sliding out from under the driver.

Street nodded, “Came to a stop less than three yards from the rear of the tractor. My leg under the tank of the bike.”

“Alright, I don’t need any more details on that one…” Luca frowned.

Street nodded.

“Or… Did you end up with a cast, and for how long?” Luca followed up.”

“Yes, and seven weeks.”

Luca nodded, a small shudder running up his spine.

Hondo stretched before he stood up, “I’m getting another drink. Luca, do you want something?”

Luca checked his coffee cup, it was almost empty. He then pulled out a few bills and handed it to Hondo, “A coke or something…”

Hondo nodded.

 SWATSWATSWAT

 They had been there almost five hours when Luca poked Street in the leg with his good foot.

Street looked up immediately.

“Kid, tonight was real fun.” Luca beamed, then he flashed an apologetic smile, “But I should get back home now. It’s been a long day…”

Street nodded, “Do you need help up?”

Luca shook his head, “Don’t think so…”

He was right, he didn’t need help getting up.

“I might need help getting my crutches off of the floor though…” he added with a cheesy smile.

“No problem.” Tan winked and bent down to fetch Luca’s crutches, he then handed them to Street who in turn handed them to Luca.

 SWATSWATSWAT

 “You look like you’re in pain again…” Street mentioned as they walked from the car to the front door.

“Not more than usual…” Luca paused to shrug, “I’m a little stiff from sitting too long though…”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.” Luca flashed on of his trademark full-blown smiles, “I’m sure. Stop worrying so much…”

Street rolled his eyes, “Considering how much your leg has gone through the last few months, I’m allowed to worry about you.”

Luca smirked a bit.

Street hurried up front to unlock and open the door for him, receiving a short nod and a short ‘thanks’ from Luca.

“Do you need anything?”

“Just to lay down and have my legs up…” Luca shrugged, “But Duke probably wants a walk…”

Street nodded and it didn’t take long before Duke met them by the door. Luckily for Luca the dog never jumped up on people he knew, a part of it’s career training.

“Guess you’re right about that…” Street bent down to pat Duke, and put the leash on him, “You’re sure you’re good here?”

“Yeah. All good.”

“Alright.” Street nodded and left for his and Duke’s walk.

Luca let out a heavy sigh once the door was closed. The truth was that he was drained in every way possible, his leg was throbbing violently and all he wanted was a good night’s worth of sleep. Something he couldn’t remember when he had the last time.

He hobbled over and took the pill bottle on the living room table, stuffing it into one of his pockets. Then he did a quick detour to the bathroom to take care of that business before he could turn in for the night.

[tessatechaitea]

Team Titans #23

Redwing must have been furious when she didn't make the Birds of Prey roster.

The good news is that I'm almost done reading all of the Team Titans comic books I own. The gooder news is that I'm almost done reading all of the New Titans comic books I own! The most goodest news of all is that I'm still alive somehow. Although that's only good news in the sense that, by being alive, I can appreciate being alive. The news that I were dead would be just fine with me as well because I wouldn't have to hear it. The good news about the bad news of my death is that none of you would hear of it either! You'd all just believe that I got bored of writing comic book reviews and went off to live on a beautiful tropic island full of kittens. After I finish reading Team Titans and New Titans, I'll have to dig out another old series to reread. I'm excited to find out what it will be! I was on Twitter earlier and was perplexed by this person's response to a Tom King tweet. If a smarter reader than me could explain what he meant, I'd truly appreciate it!

My current theories: 1. He's just a Trumpist and knows Tom King isn't a white supremacist asshole so he simply assumes this tweet is somehow mocking Trump. 2. The Tweet didn't delve inside the mind of the protagonist thus relying too much on the reader using their own mind to form conclusions of the protagonist's intent, making it a 'difficult' read. 3. The person replying probably just responds this way to all of Tom King's tweets because Batman isn't punching enough villains these days.

This issue begins with Jensen practicing some of his beat poetry.

Snap! Snap! Snap!

Snap! Snap! Snap!

Snap! Snap! Snap!

Audience nods smartly while puffing nonchalantly on long cigarettes.

Redwing has transformed into a woman with the head of a bird and huge talons on her hands. If any of these Team Titans had a romantic interest in her, they'd probably be thinking, "Did her anus, vagina, and urethra just merge into a cloaca?" But apparently none of them do have that kind of interest because none of them are currently throwing up the way I am after having that thought. But now I'm also thinking of Hawkman and Hawkwoman's sex talk. "Let's kiss cloacae, baby!" While everybody tries to pretend Redwing is still the same person she's always been (except grosser), Chimera reminds the Team Titans that other totally-not-monsters-just-because-they-look-like-human/animal-hybrid creatures are trying to kill them. For some reason, Redwing attacks the other Team Titans. Maybe she's just trying to get them to admit that they all think she's a monster now. If that was her plan, it works because Lapidus is all, "If you're intent on proving you're as much a monster inside as well as out, then you'll have to go through me!" Idiot! You're not supposed to say she looks like a monster to her face! You're supposed to act more like her brother Prester Jon and avoid eye contact and tugging at the inside of your shirt collar and mumbling things like, "Yikes!" At least that allows you to deny your true feelings when she confronts you about why you're acting so weird.

Me at prom.

Sometimes I completely understand that I'm reviewing comic books that never wanted me as an audience. I don't care what young person is infatuated with what other young person, or how much bullshit drama one member of the team can create for no reason at all. If I was, I would be a fan of the Legion of Super-heroes. So if I hate this comic book with such passion that I've certainly spontaneously created at least five kidney stones within me, it really shouldn't reflect on the comic book at all. I'm sure somebody cares that Killowat has a crush on Mirage but he's also a racist piece of shit. I'm sure somebody cares that Terra has littered the Troy Family Farm with stone dildos because Changeling won't fuck her. I'm sure somebody cares that Prestor Jon has an issue with his sister because she doesn't look as human as she used to (while it's okay for him to look like Stretch Armstrong). But that someone is not me. I don't think it ever was me. Half the comic books I own were purchased because of simple momentum. I bought the first issue and felt compelled to buy the second issue and, well, fuck it? Why not just keep buying them no matter how terrible they were?! I know that doesn't say anything positive about my decision making but then I've also never claimed to be good at making decisions. The fact that I read every comic book of The New 52 for six or seven years proves that! Prester Jon refers to Qurac as "hell on Earth" which Chimera has opinions on.

"Hell! What a western concept! But, I mean, you're right and I'm going to go along with that characterization so I don't even know why I pointed that out!" I didn't say she had strong opinions on it.

Chimera mentions that she last met the Team Titans in Team Titans Annual #1. Fuck! I didn't review that issue! I'm sure I own it but it might be stored with all of the Bloodlines Annuals. Well, I guess I can review it whenever I find it during my reread of all of my thousands of comic books from the last forty years!

It's true that I never expected Peter David's Aquaman but I certainly wasn't waiting for it.

Prester Jon tries to discover what caused Redwing's transformation (as well as that of the human/animal hybrids outside) while a young Quraci girl looks at Redwing and cries. I think it's supposed to be touching how the little girl can't communicate but she can feel emotions. Although it would be better if she could communicate because, for some reason, she knows the entire backstory as to how and why people became mutant animal monsters. Something about how aliens crashed in the desert and Circe saw they could be used to make human/animal hybrids but some of the aliens died in the desert and when Cheshire nuked Qurac, the aliens were atomized and everybody breathed in cremated alien space DNA. It's totally the kind of thing a little girl would know all about. Chimera shows Killowat and Terra that the Americans have come to Qurac to save the oil and not the people. That sets off Killowat's Angry Right Wing Logic Centers.

Oh? Is criticizing America's foreign policy of protecting investments considered politically correct? Although doesn't this anger and argument seem tame from a 2019 perspective?

Anybody who begins an argument with "I refuse to believe" is a person with whom I immediately stop arguing. It's a great opening tactic because I appreciate your desire to not waste my time by immediately revealing that you won't be listening to facts and evidence. Also, "I refuse to believe America would rape a country of its resources at the expense of saving the people" may as well be a declaration that you spent most of your time in history class yelling, "Nyah nyah nyah nyah! I can't hear you!" Not that America's public educational system was particularly great at exposing America's imperialistic abuse! There's definitely a reason right wing thinkers believe college educations turn people into leftists. Because it does! Leftists are just rational people who aren't viewing the world through the lens of preconceived opinions! College educations are less about broad generalizations and more about trying to put history in as much context as possible. Patriots are often as blind as people of faith. One of the conditions of being faithful is to not question your faith. It's right there in the word! So any examination of your faith is questioning that which you shouldn't question. Being a patriot is the exact same thing. If you question our government, you're against our government. There's no belief in trying to improve our government because it's an acceptance of flaws in the United States. Of course now that's simply become a way to not ever question anything a Republican does because obviously everything any Democrat does is completely wrong. It's believing in tribe over anything else. I am not a Democrat because I believe whatever the fuck every Democrat believes. Hell, I'm not even technically a Democrat! I am liberal, sure. But I don't support any idea or belief from what would be considered my tribe. And neither are a lot of liberals which is why you have trouble with Democratic voter turnout. Every Republican nominee is practically interchangeable. As long as they spout the handful of talking points important to the accepted base (2nd amendment, anti-abortion, Christian values, white supremacy...I mean states rights!), they'll do. But Democrats have the constant fight over whether a candidate will lose voters if they move left away from center while hardly ever acknowledging how many votes they'll gain as they move left. I've always said they should abandon all those assholes at the center. If you're only voting Democrat because you support their social views but don't want higher taxes maybe you're actually a Republican. Because if the Democratic party moves further left and you abandon it because of taxes to side with the gun toting fetuses who support locking up refugees on our southern border, who the fuck wants you at that party anyway?! Back to the comic book, the Team Titans speculate that the cremated alien DNA has combined with the tainted oil in Qurac and the metagenes in certain individuals to transform them into monsters. So now they've got to destroy all of America's profits by making sure the oil isn't sold all over the world. Killowat is all, "I can't believe we're going to save the world at the risk of America's profits!" I mean, he doesn't say that explicitly. But I can read between his racist and xenophobic lines.

Finally an argument that wins him over!

Look, I get being resistant to truth! Whenever I brush my teeth, I can't help thinking about the Barney song where they mime brushing with huge toothbrushes and sing, "While I'm brushing my teeth and having so much fun, I never let the water run!" And then I just let the water run! I know, I know. I'm a fucking monster! Terra and Killowat solve the problem by putting the contaminated oil back into the ground. That seems scientifically sound enough that I won't bother questioning it like a college-educated leftist. But Killowat assures Chimera that she hasn't won the argument even though her argument was simply, "Maybe you should question your government sometimes, idiot." Meanwhile the animal people attack the other Titans upstairs. The Titans can't kill them because they were once people (although I guess if they had always been sentient monster people, it would have been okay to kill them? Sometimes I'm not entirely sure of comic book superhero rules). They solve their problem by sending them into a Fairy Land via one of Chimera's portals. She was hesitant to do it earlier because she didn't know if what transformed them was catching. But now that Prester Jon somehow did science and figured out what happened, everybody agrees it's okay to banish them to a world where they'll never see their loved ones again and nobody will work out how to save them and they'll probably just turn on each other when they get hungry. Superman throwing every villain into the Phantom Zone has left a terrible example for young heroes to follow!

Oh the 90s! When every time anybody said anything, you had to wait a few seconds to see whether or not they really believed what they just said!

Later Killowat acts like a total jerk. But he acts like a different kind of total jerk than he usually acts like. So after he's done, he says, "Whoa! What just happened?! Is that shadowy person on the ground hiding behind the tree controlling me?! And who might it be?! ZERO HOUR!" Team Titans #23 Rating: B-. They sure used to pack a lot of story and words into comic books, didn't they?! And for only $1.95! That's two dollars less than the crappy comics DC puts out today that have four less pages and far less story every month! And it's three dollars less than Marvel books! No wonder Marvel is more popular. People probably look at the price and think, "Whoa! I'm getting a whole dollar more quality out of this comic book than that stupid DC comic book!" It also might help that Marvel doesn't mind having synopses of the story to help new readers or old readers whose memories aren't that great anymore. DC refuses to do the same, instead relying on the writer wasting two or three pages of actual story where characters think about what happened in the previous issue. A lot of DC books suck in collected formats!

[madfatty]

the careful and considered musings of an uncertain cupid - an mmfd fic #24

A million years ago I asked if anyone had a particular behind-the-scenes type of thing that they wanted to read and @i-dream-of-emus posed the following scenario:

What happens to Archie between Barney kissing him during Spin the Bottle, and the next morning, when Archie tells Rae that he is definitely gay? Does he spend any time with Barney or have any significant conversations with anyone else?

After much wailing and gnashing of teeth, it’s done. Whether I hit the brief on not is beyond my understanding at this point as I’ve lost all perspective and I’m just posting it out of sheer bloody-mindedness. As Barney will tell you, it’s now or bloody never.

It’s from Barney’s POV because it seemed to me he was the one who could best tell the story. Whether it’s the story you’re expecting, remains to be seen. In return for the telling, I’ve given him a surname and an Irish cousin.  

In spite of all my ungracious whining, my thanks go to @i-dream-of-emus for the truly interesting (and challenging) prompt and for the encouraging words, although I’m probably more the writing equivalent of a tortoise than a word warrior I very much appreciate the sentiment. Also, big squishy thanks to @bitchy-broken for the twice-over and the good advice.  

I apologise in advance to any Irish readers for my blatant inference that the Irish can, at times, perhaps be a little difficult to understand.

So, after an age and without further ado, I offer you, for the time being at least, the careful and considered musings of an uncertain cupid (no copyright infringement in the title for a change. I came up with that one one my own). Make use of it as you see fit.

Let us now draw a line under it and speak of it no more. I thank you xo

the careful and considered musings of an uncertain cupid

Midway through his approach, Barney started second-guessing his plan. Fuelled by three lagers and half a spliff, it had seemed as good an idea as any at the time, but the look of mild panic in Archie’s eyes as he swooped down on him gave Barney pause for thought. Archie’s immediate reluctance had Barney regretting his actions but with gritted teeth he leaned in to the kiss. There was no going back now, he’d committed, so he forged on, gripping Archie’s face firmly but gently and planted one on him.  There was no danger of tongues, which Barney was grateful for, and though rigid to begin with, Archie didn’t struggle and there might have been a slight puckering of lips towards the end there, which Barney decided to take as a positive sign.

In hindsight, he had to admit it may not have been the subtlest of moves, but short of walking up to Archie and asking him straight out if he was into guys, he couldn’t think of another way of sounding him out, so when the bottle landed on Arch, Barney saw his opportunity and went for it. Thinking about it now, Barney conceded he may have been overly convinced of his own snogging abilities to expect that with one kiss, Archie would be moved to suddenly declare himself gay in front of God and everyone, but that’s what three lagers and half a spliff can do for your confidence.

Bloody cousin Kit, it was all his fault. If he hadn’t been dragging his face around since he’d arrived in Stamford, Barney wouldn’t have felt the need to get involved.  After the beating he’d taken back home, it would have been sensible for him to steer well clear of any sort of… shenanigans for a while, at least until he was fully healed anyway, but no, after a kick-around with the lads last Sunday afternoon, Kit’s mood had brightened considerably, thanks to one Archie Spencer. Barney had spent the rest of the week facing a barrage of increasingly personal and unanswerable questions which included favourite colours and ice cream flavours, and the most often repeated, “Do you think he could be gay?”

+++

Barney gets to stand closer than most to the gang and while he’s not specifically looking for things, there’s stuff he can’t help but see. Like Chop; if Chop doesn’t get his head out of his arse soon and stop faffing about, he’s going to blow it with Izzy for good. It’s only the fact that he knows Izzy is completely besotted with the idiot that stops Barney from making a move on the redhead himself. She’s an absolute cracker and wasted on the likes of Chop Peters as far as he’s concerned, but the heart wants what it wants, he supposes, and there’s no accounting for taste.

Then there’s the two new girls who have recently made for interesting times. Their little group has become quite the sordid hot bed of hormones and longing. It’s like an episode of Eastenders most days.

After flirting with a number of lads, and some unsubstantiated rumours about a certain PE teacher, Chloe has finally set her sights on Finn. Not that it will get her anywhere, poor lass, because Finn’s got it bad for Rae, who’s either oblivious or just not interested.  It could be because she’s still carrying some more-than-friendly feelings for Archie. Who would know? You’d be forgiven for thinking they were a couple, what with all the whispering and giggling and wandering off to private corners to talk amongst themselves, but no, ‘just mates’, apparently.  

And not that he needs any sympathy from the likes of him, but Barney can’t help but spare a thought for Finn. With a pulling history unrivalled locally, he now finds himself on the sidelines, just like a regular bloke, looking on anxiously, biting his fingernails and biding his time, trying to figure out if he should make his move now or wait until his best friend decides once and for all  if he wants to call romantic first dibs on the girl he fancies. See? Eastenders.

Archie is a tough one though. Girls fancy him something rotten. There are always at least one or two sniffing around him at any given time.  Barney reckons it’s the specky-muso-sensitive-geek vibe Arch has going for him. But while Barney has seen him get off with various girls over the years, it very rarely lasts longer than a weekend at most and though many have tried, none have ever managed to attain girlfriend status.  

Whatever. They’re teenagers, nothing is supposed to last more than a week or two anyway, so it isn’t proof of anything. Other than the fact Archie always seems to have one eye on the door, like he’s counting down the days to a life beyond the rest of them, there is nothing that Barney can put his finger on that would indicate there is anything different about him.

Not that it’s any skin off Barney’s nose if Archie is gay. The way he sees it, it just means better odds for the rest of them. Theoretically. Plus, he’s a good guy is Arch, and Barney knows Kit would be in safe hands, even if it turns out that Archie isn’t. Gay.

+++

Kit’s doing his head in. Every time Barney turns around, he’s right there under his feet, big soulful eyes pleading and his palms pressed together. It’s so not fair. It’s a party for fuck’s sake. He’s supposed to be getting rat-arsed and trying to get off with girls, not playing matchmaker for his over-excited cousin. It’s becoming clear however, he’s not going to have a minute’s peace until he talks to Archie so, with a belly full of booze and a warped sense of familial loyalty, and without the first idea of what he’s going to say, or where a conversation like the one he thinks is going to take place will end up, he begins a circuit of the house, nicking two orphaned cans of premium lager from the sideboard on his way through and goes in search of his bespectacled mate.

+++

He’s not hard to find, sitting on his own in a quiet corner of the dining room, monitoring the slow demolition of Rae’s house with mild disinterest. Before he can think about it, Barney rolls his neck and shakes his arms out like a boxer and braces himself for whatever comes next.  

“Oi, Spencer,” He barks, causing Archie to blink up at him owlishly from behind his glasses. He hands him one of the cans and lowers himself to the floor, cross-legged, “you don’t fancy me now do you?”

“Nah. Sorry.” Despite his casual tone, Archie’s body language shifts immediately from the relaxed slouch he was wearing seconds ago to something tense and wary. He pops the lager open and slides back towards the French doors to put some distance between them when their knees bump.

“Yeah well, I only used one lip. Didn’t want to spoil you for everyone else.”

“Very thoughtful of you, Barney.”  Archie’s smile is tight and goes nowhere near his eyes.

“It’s probably for the best.” Barney sighs dramatically. “I’m a free spirit Arch; I can’t be tied down and I won’t be tamed.”

“I appreciate you letting me know.”  

“So, not in love then, but not traumatised either, eh?” asks Barney, hopefully.

“Only by your breath.”

“Hey!” Barney cups the hand that’s not holding his drink up to his mouth and breathes out, his nose wrinkling in disgust. “And noted.”

A longish, awkward silence follows, where Barney alternates between staring at his hands and nodding amiably at anyone who wanders past and Archie distractedly taps out, what sounds very much to Barney like Pulp’s ‘Do You Remember the First Time?’ on the side of his can with his fingernail. Halfway through the second verse, Archie huffs and stands, looking around the room for somewhere else to be.

“Well,” he drawls, “It’s been nice chatting with you Barney, as always.”

If Barney’s really going to do this, it’s now or bloody never.

“Wait!” Barney grabs at Archie’s wrist and pulls him back down to the floor. “It’s just… some fellas would have freaked out about it, yeah? Would have thought it was gross. Being kissed by a lad. But you didn’t. You took it like a pro.” He blurts out.  

Well shit, that had sounded less… judgy in his head. He’d been aiming for casual; sort of man-of-the-world, sophisticated but it definitely didn’t have any of that. On reflection, a practice run might have been the way to go, or at least waiting until he had a fully formed thought about what he was going to say before he started. His tone could probably use some work too because Archie looks like he’s been slapped. Barney wishes he could take it all back and start again.

“You kissed me, remember?” There’s something tense and fearful in Archie’s eyes. And hurt. Which is the worst part.  He doesn’t look away though.

Maybe Barney has the answer to Kit’s question but at what cost? The hollow feeling in the pit of his stomach proves once and for all what he’d already suspected, that it’s none of his business and it really doesn’t matter either way. What does matter is Archie, and not hurting his feelings.  Kit will be gone in a couple of weeks, but Barney will still be here and so will Archie. He needs to fix this.

“I know, I know. Look, I didn’t mean… I just meant that you were cool about it and that’s really… cool.” Jesus, he mutters under his breath, could I be any more pathetic? There’s a moment when he think there’s a real possibility he could go blind, his eyes have rolled so far back in his head. “I mean, It’s no big deal, is it? Two lads kissing. Plenty of people… lads do it so, it’s not like it’s weird or anything. At all. Not normal but… well, not ‘not’ normal, ‘normal’s’ not the right word, not… usual. Different is what I meant.  But it’s okay, is what I’m saying….”  Thankfully God or someone of a similar pay grade intervenes before it gets any worse and he’s able to hit the pause button on his verbal incontinence. That’s right, Barney-boy. Put the shovel down. The hole’s big enough.  

“I need to stop talking for a bit.” Barney lets his head fall between his knees while he tries to pull some much needed air into his lungs. From his current position he is spared the rich tapestry of facial tics and expressions that accompany the rapid flow of emotions currently coursing through his friend as he tries to process what’s just been said.

“I think that would be best.”

Eventually, after another silence, not quite as long but far more awkward than the previous one Archie says, “That was very enlightened of you, mate.”

“Thanks.” Whispers Barney, still quietly trying to assess the damage. He forces himself to unfold, leaning forward and lower so he can look Archie in the eye. “Are we good though, you and me? I’m good,” he says earnestly, his hand splayed across his chest, “and I just want to know that you’re good too. That it’s all… good.” His other hand lands on Archie’s forearm and before he can stop himself he gives it what he hopes is a reassuring squeeze. Judging by the look on Archie’s face, this maybe a step too far.  

“Jesus, don’t start that again, Barney, for fuck’s sake.”  Archie groans, shaking him off.  

“Right. Sorry.” Please God, let him not have fucked this up. Lesson learnt. Kit can get his own bloody boyfriends in future.  

“It’s alright. There’s no harm done.” Archie sighs, draining his drink and stacking it neatly with the other empties he’s got stashed behind the French door curtains. Archie’s got quite the collection going.

“Good. Sorry. I mean, excellent.”  Barney thinks now would be a good time to take a break from all the weirdness; go for a walk, find a drink, maybe bang his head against a brick wall outside for a bit. Archie seems to have the same idea.

He stands and stretches out, reconnoitres the room. Without warning, he drops back to the floor next to Barney like someone just switched off gravity. None too subtly, he leans over and mutters from the side of his mouth into Barney’s ear.

“Don’t look now, but there’s a strange guy watching us from the kitchen.”  

“What? Where?”  He doesn’t have to turn around to know who Archie’s talking about, but he makes a show of looking anyway.  Kit startles, deer-in-the-headlights fashion, at being caught staring and swiftly ducks behind the doorway out of view. Not two seconds later he’s back, well, half of him anyway, peeking out around the corner. It’d be hilarious if they weren’t actually related.  

“Didn’t I say ‘don’t look now’?” Archie hisses, punching Barney on the shoulder, rather hard.

“Ow. Easy.  D’you mean that long streak of piss over my shoulder? The one trying to look like he’s not at all interested in what’s being said over here?”

Archie’s voice is slightly higher than normal when he answers.

“The er, tall guy, black hair, kind of…” Archie doesn’t finish the thought.  His cheeks colour and he dips his head to hide it. “I think he was at the park the other day.”

“That’s my cousin, Kit.  He’s staying at ours over the holidays.”  

“What happened to his face?”

Barney hesitates. He doesn’t want to lie to Archie but it isn’t his story to tell. “Couple of guys where he’s from thought they had a say in who he could and couldn’t hang out with.”

“That’s horrible.”

He thinks about Kit’s face when he first arrived in Stamford, the ugly patchwork of yellow and purple and how he wouldn’t leave the house for the first three days. Horrible doesn’t even begin to cover it.

“Yeah, it was, but he’s on the mend now.” He watches Archie watching Kit with a look of genuine concern. The longer it goes on, the softer Archie’s gaze becomes, until it’s something else entirely. Eventually he seems to remember himself and looks away nervously. Barney’s blushing almost as hotly as Archie when he decides. He may have only just finished promising God that he’s not going to interfere, but if it turns out Archie’s interested on his own, surely introducing them wouldn’t be considered interfering. It’s just good manners.  

“Hey, you couldn’t do me a favour could you Arch? Could I maybe leave him with you for a bit?”

“You want me to babysit? Why? Is there something wrong with him?”

“Of course there‘s something fucking wrong with him! Look at him, he’s daft as a brush, darting in and out like some whack-a-mole at a fun fair,” is what Barney wants to say, but it would defeat the purpose so he adopts an affronted tone and blusters,

“Of course there’s nothing wrong with him! Why would you ask that for fuck’s sake?”

“Well, you’re acting like his mum or something, trying to get us to play together. Why can’t he make friends on his own?”

“He’s shy, is all. Please Arch, he’s slowing me down, with the ladies, you know?”

“Slowing you down, or showing you up?” Archie’s always fancied himself a bit of a comedian and Barney’s always seen it as his duty to remind him otherwise, but he’ll tolerate the smirk and the raised eyebrows this one time for the sake of his cause. No one can say that Barney Maguire isn’t a team player.

“Oi!  Rude. And a little bit hurtful. Oh come on, be a pal.” Barney whines. “I can hardly leave him with the likes of Charlie or Mick or any of those tossers now, can I? He’d end up on Crimewatch for driving the getaway car and me ma’d crease me.”

“So what you’re saying is you can leave him with me because I’m boring.”

Barney hasn’t had nearly enough to drink for all this. Matchmaking sucks. There’s too much thinking you have to do and it’s all about other people. He doesn’t even put this much effort in to trying to get his own dates.

“Look, I just think you’d get on, alright?” he tells Archie. “He likes football and sci-fi movies and all that mopey, indie crap you call music. He’s into boring books about the olden days and that weird Goth comic-thing you’re always reading.” He stops himself before he mentions the piano playing and the competitive swimming, afraid he may have over-egged the pudding already. Barney had no idea that he knew so much about either of them.  It’s a little disconcerting.

“I dunno, Barn…” Archie bares the posture of the overwhelmed. He’s all wrapped around himself, knees drawn up tight to his chest, face pressed into his thighs. If he starts rocking, Barney’s not sure that he knows what to do.  

This was too big a job for the likes of him, he can see that now. This emotional stuff is draining, and it’s starting to give him a headache. What made him think he had the first clue about getting two people together when he can’t even manage to find someone for himself? Archie’s clearly not into it, which would strongly indicate that Archie’s not even gay, so all this self-humiliation has all been for nothing. It’s the first and last time he involves himself in someone else’s love life, that’s for sure.

He doesn’t know what else to do. It just seems a shame, is all. God, he needs drink.

“You know what? You’re right. Forget about it.” He sighs, holding his lager to his lips and up-ending it hopefully. Empty. Of course it is. “You’re a good guy, Arch and you always treat people decent but I shouldn’t have asked. Kit’s not your problem.”  

There’s a muffled groan and almost a whole minute of what sounds like an intense solo debate. Barney can’t make any of it out as it’s delivered directly into Archie’s lap.  With a deep sigh of resignation, Archie turns to face him, cheek still resting on his leg. “Go on then.” He huffs.

“Huh?”

“I’ll babysit.”

“You will?” Barney squeaks, his face nearly splitting in two with delight before he sobers. He drops his voice back to its normal octave as he raises his hands in conciliation. “You don’t have to.”

Archie actually growls. “So help me Barney, I will punch you right in your stupid face…”

“Okay, okay.’ Still waving his hands about. “Did I say he was Irish? I only mention it because you may not understand most of what he’s saying. I’m related to him and I still have no idea what he’s on about most of the time.”

Barney concedes this may be a discussion best left to another time if Archie’s glare is anything to go by.

“I’m going to send him over now, alright Arch?”

Archie swallows nervously. “Alright.”

Barney grins, and slaps Archie good-naturedly, if not a little too enthusiastically, on the arm. “Good man.”  Barney stands and waves Kit over from where he’s been lurking. Before he walks away, Barney turns and stage whispers, “Remember, don’t make fun of his accent.”

He watches the tall scruffy Irish boy make his way over, self-consciously running a hand through his hair, straightening his shirt. He wonders what Archie’s face is doing but doesn’t dare turn around to find out. He thinks it must be encouraging at least because Kit’s smile keeps growing exponentially wider.

“Calm the fuck down, and whatever happens, don’t feel you need to share, yeah? We need never speak of it again.”  Barney growls as he passes him on his way into the kitchen. His cousin barely acknowledges him with a slight shift of his fingers and ups his pace. He’s moving so fast Barney’s afraid that Kit is going to trip over his remarkably big feet and land in an ungainly pile of over-sharp knees and elbows on the object of his affection.  Miraculously, when he comes to a full and sudden stop, Kit manages to stay upright and Archie appears unscathed.  

Kit’s still beaming as Archie extends his hand and says, “Hi, I’m Archie.”

Archie’s looking pretty pleased too. Barney wouldn’t say there were sparks exactly, but something seems to be happening. He lingers for a moment like an anxious parent, just to make sure everything’s okay and then wanders off in the direction of another drink. If he’s lucky, he’ll cross paths with some young lovely who hasn’t yet alleviated her post-spin-the-bottle disappointment with someone else. He’ll be properly pissed off if the only one in the family getting any tonight is Kit.

Playing Cupid to his gay cousin and his possibly gay mate from college would no doubt score points with soft hearted, romantically inclined girls, but it might take a little more to convince the fellas, so it’s not a story he’ll be relying on any time soon. Barney Maguire is nothing if not discreet.

The things you do for family he thinks, as he smooths a sweaty hand over his hair and goes in search of Anna Harris.

[monkey-network]

Good Stuff - THE TROOF ABOUT STEVEN UNIVERSE - Part 4

WARNING: When you cartwheel, the weight is mostly from your legs. And if you want to know more, here’s part 3 for a better understanding. Thank you, take care out there, and enjoy.

Steven Universe is a charming, popular show with a quad-polar fandom, and I’m only here to point out what I say is legitimately wrong with this cartoon. Simple enough? Fair enough. Point number 4:

THE REPRESENTATION:

Representation in media can be easy when the right writers are at the helm to present (not push) a message of acceptance and acknowledgement towards an audience that may or may not feel the same way. It takes different strokes to rule the world, after all. However, when it comes to character in general, there are two factors in characterization that when used correctly can appeal their message of acceptance for their audience. One, visual acknowledgement of the representing characters (POC, LGBT, belief, etc.) in question and two, giving the subjects good quality participation to show that they are just as adept to the world as any other without phoning in the fact that they are this or that. Long story short, make ‘em good characters and the representation can earn the audience’s respect for itself. Steven U lacks this too, and this comes from them often showing us stuff and expecting us to just go with it, with themes that are enough just to get by fans. Hell, they show us as much as a drive by...

Not even a cool one at that, fresh

I’ll say this to start off: Lars Barriga (my neega) was a stagnant and frustrating character to deal with, nobody in Beach City moved him in any way (not even his own supporting parents), and the writers just shotgunned him growth (more than once) after he basically had to cheat death (more than once) to gain a better conscience. It’s like they wanted to call him a lost cause but had to hook him back in some way for the audience to not deem him a lost cause. So with all due respect, does it matter that he’s Filipino or a trans boy when nothing valuable or thoughtful has come from him especially? Those trivial tidbits can mostly come off as add ons or secondary nods, when they should’ve been welcomed knowledge about his character. Want an good example? Look to the comic series Lumberjanes, especially issues 14-17 and 28. SPOILERS, though...

They did this right for characters Jo and Barney (Jo’s the one in the 2nd panel, Barney’s in the first). They already established these two as well defined characters that make mistakes but are willing to get shit done for their friends by any means. The dialogue above is when Barney is thinking about joining the girl oriented scouts even when he’s considered a boy scout, wondering where does he want to belong. Jo gives him reassurance that she herself felt the same and just wants Barney to assert himself with what he wants to be like she did. And when he does later on, he’s accepted without any forced gratification and the writers gracefully accommodate this to not only make him (now “them”) a good addition to the story’s world, but a welcoming new perspective. 

The representation is therefore earned, not just shown off

Now I’d talk further on other characters like Lars, but that would be singing the same beats as my previous piece on world building and would spoil notes on the final 2 parts I’m working on now. Instead, the gems are another reason why the rep-pres-sen-tation in SU is nothing but small fractured penny in the gold mine that is anything else going on, with fusion diminishing the relationship representation of Steven U; however you may see it. Now excuse me... this is the hardest part of my job.

Criticizing love

Garnet is not a good embodiment of Ruby and Sapphire’s love; Ruby and Sapphire is. I would love to see Ruby and Sapphire being together and showing me why they decided to elope, but I can’t because Garnet is a curtain that metaphorically and literally covers said love from having anything more to say than “HELL YEAH WE LOVE EACH OTHER!”. You could say ‘Keystone Motel’ offered some adversity for the two, but knowing Steven U, it didn’t feel like much beyond me knowing they’re getting back together in the end because they love each other and they just go back to being Garnet because she’s the personification of their love and such. 

Status Quo Ante. Ante up, you see?

Fusion is something I have a disdain for now because they’re exchanging two characters’ development of united growth for basically an entirely new/different character, that don’t have much screen time or development anyways (vice versa in Flourite’s case). You could say ‘Know your Fusion’ presented an evolution for Smokey Quartz, among the other known fusions, to being more than a versatile fighter, but not really no. We were already aware that Steven and Amethyst were acknowledged sad sacks before they fused, so what else does this fusion offer differently than in their ability? As for Sardonyx, she hasn’t changed from her first cameo awhile back and her vanity was the only thing that made her stand out in said episode. All in all, fusion doesn’t reflect a relationship, no matter how hard Rebecca Suge Knight is saying otherwise, it reflects an aftermath; one that’s in and out as a firework. This and up ‘til now, the real couples we see are pretty general or under the rug. To show how the most mentioned and presented couple in the series, RubyXSapphire, has continuously got the shaft, I present the one dynamic you’d least expect: A boy and his stuffed toy.

My personally favorite example so far.

Calvin and Hobbes is a series about boy Calvin and his stuffed tiger Hobbes that comes to life through Calvin’s imagination. Reality is like Garnet in this case, where it’s just Calvin having his stuffed animal around to get into zany hijinks like any other kid his age. Then again, the imagination or the living Hobbes is whom is given more of a focus, allowing their dynamic to bloom in a way that wouldn’t be understood if we just saw Calvin just talking to his toy the whole time. It makes their bond feel real and that’s what RubyxSapphire should be, giving them the floor in a way that adds up to Garnet’s eventual debut. “But Monkey Network, what about ‘The Answer'?” The Answer is an episode that, while sweet and good looking, literally danced over much necessary development in favor of only showing us how they eventually stuck to being Garnet forever. Not saying Garnet doesn’t have any character herself, but her integral backstory was/is one of the most beloved and talked about in terms of relationships, yet little has actually been given to us beyond face value and basic understanding and the writers have generally avoid pressing this any further. In a way, that episode diminishes the representation of real queer relationships, bogging it down to early Disney romances like Snow White’s, and practically blindfolds us about what we want to see vs what we should be seeing.

And I already got cute girls not kissing last year. It’s the current flippin’ year

I would talk about all the other canonning “ships” but nothing comes to mind other than the gems are getting along better than before, Mystery Girl is still fine as fuck, Steven and Connie are bound to elope since it’s been presented since the beginning, Lapis and Peridot get along as college roommates, Lapis might still have issues after Malachite happened, Jasper regrets nothing, Topaz sounds cool from the little we got of them, and everything has amounts to having a sob story and/or a recollection of thoughts just to say “Hey, we’re good together”. They implicitly share infatuation and good vibes to each other, but nothing to say their themes of LGBT, relationships, and characterization are groundbreaking. The latter I’ll get to next time. I mean anybody can put effort into writing a genuine romance novel, though it takes more effort to push the romance to challenging means without leaving skeptics at the door, something Sugar has been very casual about and is starting to openly show in the show. That and tears. Because you know what they say, open emotions are better than emotional maturity. Isn’t that right, TV?

Though, a good cry like that never hurts once in a while

Don’t get me wrong. Rebecca Sugarbark is out here doing her darndest as...

CARTOON. NETWORK’S. FIRST. FEMALE. ANIMATED. SERIES. CREATOR!

and when she does themes right, the show provides some good things to think about. But when she muddles them up or casually throws them in, especially when these themes come from the different aspects of what makes a person different yet real, it is unforgivable. And when people of all ages are watching this, thinking with their living ideologies about what could be used to think differently? This makes for a very risky tightrope that can lead to either people taking it appropriately or blindly, good and bad alike. I can only hope that as the show goes on, there are less assumptions and implications from both the show and the audience alike and more assertions and certainty that elements like representation of any kind are brought to a more applied approach than a glanced approach. Something that earns that appeal to a world so open and free.

Yet. As nothing but a simple critic... I can only be so hopeful

[mbtizone]

Marshall Eriksen (How I Met Your Mother): ENFP

Dominant Extroverted Intuition [Ne]: The mysterious and the unknown are very exciting to Marshall. He believes in ghosts, Bigfoot, the Loch Ness monster, and the cockamouse. Marshall loves to theorize and speculate. He’s thrilled when anything seemingly paranormal happens, and readily accepts the existence of the supernatural. Marshall’s gift of objectivity comes in handy in his career as a lawyer. He often wins arguments against his friends because of his ability to see many different perspectives. Marshall is always entertaining possibilities, though sometimes those possibilities are negative ones, leading to anxiety. Marshall is very creative and uses his Ne to make ordinary tasks fun.

Auxiliary Introverted Feeling [Fi]: Marshall is an extremely ethical, emotional person. He has a strong sense of right and wrong and can often act as the group’s moral compass. He feels strongly about waiting until you’re in love to have sex and doesn’t care what his friends think of him for it. Marshall will fight for what’s important to him. He wants to make a difference in the world. He takes jobs practicing law at firms, but feels unfulfilled because he wants to save the planet. Marshall knows that he wants to be an environmental lawyer and do good. He is faithful to his code of ethics and doesn’t waver in his devotion to his values. If he believes something is wrong, it’s wrong, and he can be quite inflexible when somebody violates his personal beliefs. Marshall is unafraid to take a stand and call things as he sees them when necessary (Fi-Te).

Tertiary Extroverted Thinking [Te]: Although it goes against all that Marshall stands for, he is willing to take jobs for the money in order to provide for his family. He realizes that he has to work his way up within the system, and even though he dislikes it, he’s willing to deal with it (to a certain point). He knows that it won’t be forever, and he understands that he has to be able to put food on the table until he’s able to achieve his dreams. Though Marshall typically has a gentle, kind nature, he can utilize his Te in arguments when he needs to. For Marshall, it’s enjoyable to create graphs and charts. They’re humorous, however and serve his Ne. Marshall keeps track of facts and data. When he’s able to reference his accumulated knowledge in disagreements with his friends, he gets very excited about his victory (“Lawyered!”). Though it doesn’t happen often, Marshall can sometimes become authoritative and direct, such as when he coached children’s basketball. He also likes to utilize his Ne to create tangible things. He uses his imagination and creativity to develop games for his friends to play. He puts his thoughts into action. He designs the game and comes up with a set of rules. If he needs to make an important decision, he employs his Ne to come up with a fun way to do it. Hey, Lily and I should choose one of our friends to be Marvin’s godparent. But how do we decide? Oh, I know! We create a giant wheel, get Lily a Vanna White-esque ensemble, and have our friends compete game show style!

Inferior Introverted Sensing [Si]: When Marshall is under stress, he tends to fall prey to “grip” experiences. Following his father’s funeral, Marshall opts to remain in Minnesota. He stays in his childhood bedroom, has his mother cooking for him and doing his laundry, and plays video games. He regresses to what is comforting and familiar. When he moves to New York, he finds a Minnesota-themed bar to spend time in. Marshall values his own personalized traditions, particularly the ones he has created with Lily. They’re important to him because they created them (Ne/Fi/Si), and they’re unique, belonging to just the two of them. When he tries to let go of one their airport tradition, he ends up not being able to and shows up anyway.

Note: Many people seem to consider Marshall’s type to be a no-brainer, but he’s actually pretty difficult to pin down if you think about it. I spent a lot of time going back and forth between xNFP and xSFJ. Marshall’s Si/Ne use is obvious. But which is higher? Marshall likes to be able to feel connected to his past and enjoys reminders of where he comes from. However, his Si seems to be childish, often consuming him during times of stress, which indicates that it’s probably not very well developed. His Ne is effortless. I can see an argument for Ti in Marshall. He believes in what he believes in and has a personalized logical framework for a lot of things… but what do those things have in common? They’re all related to his Ne love of the unknown. He gets excited by ideas and speculation. Marshall sees himself as a person who “believes.” I argue that this is part of his Fi, not Ti. This is why he doesn’t listen to people who argue against his fantastical beliefs. Marshall Eriksen is a believer and there’s nothing you can say that will change that. His Fi is very strong, and though his Te is pretty weak, this was enough information for me to favor xNFP over xSFJ.

Enneagram: 9w1 So/Sx

Quotes:

Marshall: [about the game he invented] It’s called, “Marshgammon”. It combines all the best features of all the best games: Candyland, I Never, Pictionary… Robin: Backgammon, obviously. Marshall: No, backgammon sucks. I took the only good part of backgammon, the “gammon”, and I left the rest of it in the trash where it belongs.

Marshall: So, I was trying to think how to best express how sexy you are to me. A song? A poem? And then it hit me: a board game! Lily: You just get women. Marshall: No, no, no! You’ll like this. We ask risque questions and spicy dares to slowly move up your shapely legs. I call it “Shoots and Lilies.” Lily: I would have guessed “Monopo-Lily” Marshall: Yeah, that would have been better.

Marshall:Marshall: [Explaining the rules of Marsh-gammon] … But if you roll an even number while adjacent to the Peppermint Forest, then you “Marshall out,” and all your chips go into the pot, and remember, if you ever ask the question “What?”, then… you got to drink. Got it?

Ted: Hey, don’t you have a paper to write? Marshall: Dude, you’re talking to The Kid. I’m gonna knock back this beer. I’m gonna knock back one more beer. I’m gonna go home. I’m gonna write a 25-page paper. I’m gonna hand it in and I’m gonna get an A. My name is Rufus and that’s the Trufus. Narrator: He got a B-, but still. 25 pages in one night? B-? The Kid was good.

Marshall: Speaking of waiting, I signed an abstinence pledge in high school. It’s totally cool to wait. And stay away from drugs… other than pot.

Marshall: All right. We threw two parties. Everybody had fun. Everybody “wanged,” everybody “chunged.” Now The Kid has gotta get to work, and The Kid is not to be disturbed. Repeat after me: I will not have sex with Marshall. Ted, Lily: I will not have sex with Marshall.

Barney: Dude, I can’t believe you cried in front of your boss. Marshall: I don’t know what happened. There is just something about been yelled like that, like I was being spurred by my dad, suddenly… suddenly I was a little boy. Robin: Is boy the right word?

Marshall: Ted, you know how at some point in the future, Machines will rise up against us? Ted: Sure. Marshall: So, the machines – they’ve killed everybody, And all that’s left Is you, me… And Barney. Which one of us would you, like get with? Ted: Why do I have to get with one of you? Barney: The machines are forcing you. They want to watch. That’s just how they get down.

Narrator: When your Uncle Marshall was ten years old, he read a book called Life Among the Gorillas. It was written by an anthropologist named Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-Vazquez, it told the story of the year she spent living among the Western Lowland Gorillas of Cameroon. When Dr. Birnholz-Vazquez came to the local community college to give a lecture, Marshall, the youngest member of the audience, raised his hand with a question. Young Marshall: What advice do you have for a budding anthropologist? Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-Vazquez: So you want to be an anthropologist? Young Marshall: Yep. When I grow up, I want to go live with the gorillas, just like you did. Narrator: What she said next changed his life. Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-Vazquez: Oh, that’s wonderful, but I’m afraid you can’t. They’ll all be dead by then.

Marshall: This is a pie chart describing my favorite bars. And this is a bar graph describing my favorite pies.

Marshall: After law school, I’m going to work for the NRDC. They’re gonna stop global warming. Narrator: [In 2030] Well… I mean… they did their best.

Marshall Eriksen (How I Met Your Mother): ENFP was originally published on MBTI Zone

[juggieheadcoopers-blog]

Strange Behavior

Riverdale Fanfiction 

Pairing: Betty x Jughead

Word Count: 1,811

Summary: Betty has been acting strange lately, and her friends are finally starting to notice. Will they figure out that something is going on between her and Jughead? Or will the kiss that they shared remain a secret? 

A/N: This was basically just my way of getting my feet wet with writing these characters, so there’s not a ton of Bughead interaction, but I think what they do have in this is pretty cute. Plus the whole thing is about their relationship, so there’s that haha. Also, you can place this into the canon storyline at this point, or not, it’s up to you. I guess it works either way lol. 

--

Betty swirled her straw around in her strawberry milkshake, unable to stop her lips from curling into a faint smile as her friends carried on a conversation in their regular booth at Pop’s. 

“What do you think, Archiekins? Should I go for the full-on Like a Virgin Madonna look for the dance, or stick to the sultry, Vogue ensemble she wears in the music video that we all know I could pull off in such a big way? You all know the one.” Veronica leaned forward to take a sip from her double chocolate milkshake, a confident smirk twitching upwards as her lips met the straw.

“Totally,” Kevin chimed in from his seat next to Betty, nodding his head in admiration as he squirted ketchup onto his plate of fries.

“Ronnie, isn’t that more of a “Betty” sort of question?” Archie wriggled uncomfortably next to Veronica, looking hopelessly clueless as he tried to meet Betty’s gaze for any sort of assistance. “I’m probably not much help in that department.” 

“Actually, that’s more of a Kevin question,” Kevin corrected him, propping his arms on the table and leaning across the table towards Veronica. “And I totally agree with you pulling off that Vogue lace top, although we might have to make the sheer part of it a little less sheer for school if you know what I mean. What do you think Betty?”

Betty heard her name being called, but all she could think about was Jughead’s hands on her face and the way his lips felt against hers. Her whole body tingled at the thought of it, making her faint smile evolve into a full on grin.

“Betty?” Veronica waved her hand in front of Betty’s face, but when she didn’t respond, a quick nudge to the leg underneath the table caused Betty to finally jolt to attention. “Earth to B!”

“What?” Betty shook her head out of its daze to meet her friends’ curious expressions’ across the booth.

“Is there a boy hidden in that milkshake or are you just on a much-too-intense sugar high?” Veronica raised one eyebrow flirtatiously as she held her hand out to reach for the milkshake. “Either way hand it over, best friends share remember?” 

“It’s nothing, I was just thinking about my next article and-”

“Does it involve bare-chested football players because if it doesn’t, not even you could write an article interesting enough to smile like that, Betty Cooper,” Veronica sat back in her seat and crossed her arms in front of her chest as she waited for Betty to explain herself.

“Veronica’s right, Betty, you do seem a little distracted today,” Archie agreed, his brows furrowing together in concern for his long-time best friend. “Is everything alright at home? Your mom, is she-”

“Archie, I told you I didn’t want to talk about that,” Betty reminded him, picking up the straw from her milkshake and pushing it back in again. “And I’m honestly fine you guys, really. Stop worrying so much.” 

They all eyed her skeptically, but didn’t mention again. Instead, Archie jumped into a story about something that happened at football practice earlier that day until the chime on the door drew their attention to the front of the diner.

“Jughead!” Veronica stood from the booth to wave him over, gesturing frantically enough to cause the table to shake in protest.

Betty’s head snapped up at the sound of his name, causing her straw to plop back into her milkshake, splashing tiny flecks of whipped cream onto the tip of Kevin’s nose. 

“Watch it, Betty, you know what too much sugar does to my complexion,” Kevin whined, snatching a napkin from the dispenser next to him and dabbing away the sugary treat from his skin.

“Sorry,” Betty mumbled, sinking lower into her seat as she heard Jughead’s footsteps coming up from behind her.

“Jughead, thank goodness you’re here,” Veronica announced dramatically, watching as he pulled a chair from an empty table to the edge of the booth. He turned it around so that the back was facing the table and swung one leg over the seat before sitting down. “You’re into the whole super sleuth, Hardy Boys, discovering the cold, hard, truth kind of stuff right?” 

“I always thought of myself as the Philip Marlowe type, but generally speaking, yes, I like to seek out the truth one way or the other.” Jughead leaned forward so that his arms were resting dangerously close to where Betty’s hands were sitting delicately on the table, causing her to suck in a surprised breath as she struggled to avoid his gaze. “If it’ll lead to a good story anyway.” 

“Great, then maybe you can figure out why our dearest Betty over here is acting so strange and giddy lately,” Veronica gestured toward the blonde sitting across from her, all big, innocent eyes, and a faint blush to her cheeks. 

“I would hardly call myself giddy,” Betty protested, shoving her milkshake away from her and crossing her arms over her chest in annoyance.

“You’re smiling from ear-to-ear, you’ve hardly touched your milkshake, and you’ve barely said a word all night,” Veronica pointed out. “There’s definitely a boy involved.”

“Veronica!” Betty wanted to crawl under the table. She wanted to run and hide and never have to have this horrifying conversation ever again.

“No, see I would be able to tell if Betty had a boyfriend, Veronica, because her nose turns bright pink whenever she gets embarrassed,” Jughead reached across the table to pluck a fry from Kevin’s plate and tossed it into his mouth. Betty turned to Jughead for the first time since he walked into Pop’s, self-consciously touching her fingers to her nose and fighting the urge to smile. “And she’ll do that high-pitched giggle whenever she thinks about anything that reminds her of him. Not to mention the thousands of poems she would be sure to write him, with the heart dotted over the “i’s” and the stationary that smells like her perfume.”

“You’re full of it, Juggie,” Betty met his gaze with amused eyes, raising one eyebrow as if presenting him with some sort of a challenge. “I haven’t dotted my “i’s” with hearts since I was twelve.” 

Their eyes locked for a moment, neither of them breathing or moving or acknowledging that anyone else even existed. For those few seconds, it was just Betty and Jughead; everyone else be damned.

“Oh my god.” Veronica’s voice pulled the couple back to reality, its high-pitched shrieking causing them to turn to her in confusion.

“What?” Betty eyed Veronica with a look of both confusion and concern, but it only took her a few seconds to realize that she had figured it out.

“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!” Veronica squealed, clamping her hand over her mouth as her eyes darted from Betty, to Jughead, and back again.

“Veronica, keep your mouth shut!” Betty warned her, her heart beating wildly in her chest as she sat up straighter in her seat.

“Did I miss something?” Archie spoke up for the first time in what Betty realized was quite a while, turning his attention to each of his friends in utter confusion. “What is happening right now?”

“Don’t look at me.” Kevin held his hands up innocently, looking just as lost as Archie. “I haven’t been this confused since our late night viewing of Eraserhead last month.” 

“Betty Cooper, how could you not tell me!?” Veronica turned to Betty with wide eyes. “This is monumental! Ginormous! I mean this is bigger than that surprise sale at Barney’s last spring that lasted a whole-”

“Would you excuse us for a moment?” Betty asked the rest of the gang as she swung her legs out of the booth and grabbed Veronica’s hand over the table to bring her along. 

Dragging Veronica out the door to stand in front of the bright neon sign outside of Pop’s, Betty slowly raised her eyes and reluctantly met her friend’s gaze.

“You’re dating Jughead!” Veronica announced to the empty parking lot, causing Betty to quickly hush her and pull her even further away from the building where their friends were laughing at something Jughead was saying inside. 

“It’s complicated, okay?” Betty explained, biting her bottom lip nervously as she thought of the words to describe her situation. “We’re still figuring things out, but...”

“But?” Veronica prompted her to continue you, but Betty seemed to forget how to speak in that moment and remained quiet. “Don’t leave me to fill in the blanks Betty, cause trust me, I have a wild imagination and will just start assuming things that aren’t true and that, my friend, is how rumors get started.”

“We kissed, okay?” Betty blurted out the words quickly, and the truth of it lingering in the night air seemed to cause her to suck in a nervous breath. 

“Oh my god, this is amazing!” Veronica swooned, reaching out to give Betty’s arm a quick squeeze. When she pulled back, however, she noticed Betty’s face, causing her brows to furrow in confusion. “This is amazing right?” 

“Yes,” Betty said quickly. “I mean, I think so. This is still very new to me, and I’m not really sure what to feel, but I think that I really like him.” 

“Well, if it puts things into perspective for you, the way that he was looking at you just now proves that he really likes you too,” Veronica declared, linking her arm through Betty’s and turning her around to face the window of Pop’s where they could see their friends smiling and having a good time. 

“You think?” Betty tilted her head to the side as she took in the way the top of Jughead’s hat slid slightly off his head as he leaned back to pop a handful of Kevin’s fries into his mouth. 

“Girl, I haven’t seen a stare that intense since my mom got that pair of Louboutin’s for Christmas last year,” Veronica assured her. “He’s got it bad.” 

Veronica looked up at the blonde standing next to her. Bright eyes, slight smile, nervous hands twisting in front of her. This was the look of a girl falling in love, even if the girl herself didn’t quite know it yet. 

“And I think you do too,” Veronica nudged her softly, causing Betty to look from her, to the booth in Pop’s, and back again. 

“You know what Veronica?” Betty turned to her friend, a nervous laugh escaping her lips. “I think you’re right.”

{Requests are open!!}

[builtinadaygames]

itchy tasty: Free Games on itch.io, issue #3

Hi, I'm Kevin Beissel and I make videogames under the name Built In A Day (@builtinadayKB).

This is the third post I've done about games on itch.io, you can read the others here or you can read them on my personal site, builtinadaygames.com/blog

This post is slightly different than the others.  The devs covered in this post have released well-regarded indie games thru publishers like Devolver and Adult Swim (Terri Vellmann and Andrew Morrish) or self-published on platforms other than PC (Powerhoof).  The previous posts focused on devs with only self-released work (and no titles on Steam).

I had played games by all three of these devs on Steam and was pleased to find they had work posted on itch as well.  Since itch has all types of games, especially small and experimental work, it was fun to play something by these devs that could explore a bit more and see them try things that might not work in 'commercial products'.

Not to say that they're work on Steam is generic or traditional or (worst of all) 'safe'.  But there is value in watching an artist experiment, fail, take risks, embrace weirdness and just try stuff, whether they 'succeed' or not.

So, my motivation for this post is basically two-fold: to let other gamers know that itch has cool, experimental work by devs you already know and love, and to encourage devs of all types to keep making new stuff (especially the small or weird ideas they have).

Here are the ground rules:

The purpose of this series is to cover some of the free games on itch.io, from a developer and fan perspective.

Before we get to the games, I just want to clarify why I'm doing this and what I hope it accomplishes.  So here's the what, why and how:

The WHAT

Discuss free games available on itch.io

I've got a list of profiles to check out, but please send along any recommendations.

There are no restrictions on genres.  The whole point of this is to be curious and ask questions.  So no dumb rules like "No walking sims" or "No puzzle platformers", which would prolly eliminate half of the available games anyways.

The WHY

I want to become a better developer and playing experimental/small/art/trash games should help.

Getting an audience is hard and getting constructive feedback is even harder.  I can't help the devs covered in these posts with the former but maybe I can with the latter.

The HOW

There is no rating system.

There is no alter ego here, these are not 'angry' reviews.

These aren't even really reviews.

The goal is to focus on the design choices that were made and discuss the reasoning behind them.

I don't really care about being right, I don't really care about sounding smart ("Yeah, no shit" the reader grumbles), I don't really care about agreeing with you.  I'm more interested in looking at the hierarchy of ideas (to borrow a phrase) that form game design.  By working at the ends and working in the middle we can find out more about it, right?

Enough with the formalities, let's get started.

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Profile: Powerhoof (@Powerhoof, powerhoof.com, powerhoof.itchi.io)

Games: Murdercide 2017 and Peridium

Style: point and click adventure games, cyberpunk/comedy and horror/suspense respectively

Powerhoof is the two-man team (Dave Lloyd and Barney Cumming) behind 'Crawl', the excellent local coop dungeon-crawler on Steam.  They have a diverse selection of games on itch, but I'll be covering only three of them, tho each one is worth a look.

The point and click genre offers the chance to show off their narrative skills, with plenty of good dialog and superb voice acting.  Their games always have appealing visuals, so it was exciting to see that skillset paired with a good narrative.  It's also remarkable that both games are so different in tone, yet work so well.

Each game can be played in less than ten minutes, so describing the plot would spoil a huge chunk of your playthru.  So think of them like this: if you like Douglas Adams or 'Blade Runner' then check out Murdercide and if you like 'The Thing' or 'The Shining' then check out Peridium.  And if you like all those things and were also a fan of LucasArts adventure games, then for sure check out both.

Also, these games are much more about atmosphere than they are about the traditional elements of point and click games.  Yeah, you will have to use an inventory item to interact with some scenery, but none of it gets in the way of the setting and the story.

If I'm not mistaken Powerhoof has hinted at doing a full-length adventure game someday.  I've been mistaken before tho (turns out if you mix an acid with a base you get a reaction, you know like mixing drain cleaners?), so they'll prolly make something else that's dope.

Game: Riders of Rhea

Style: top-down, action, roguelike

Elevator pitch: It feels like an 8-bit version of 'Mad Max'.  I guess this is the perfuntory part where I point out that Powerhoof is based in Australia.  But this elevator ride is almost over, so fuck it.

You ride on a motorcyle thru a desert wasteland and track down groups of enemies using a mini-radar.  Another panel displays stats about your bike (armor/shield, heat, speed).  When you defeat enemies you get random drops, usually a small decrease from one skill (-1 usually) and a larger boost to another skill (+2 or higher).

The controls took awhile to get the hang of, but I eventually could take on small groups.  I can get overwhelmed easily (are we still talking about the game?) but that level of challenge makes each success feel more satisfying.

I've been searching for interesting action games lately and this one certainly fits.  Great minimalist art-style, nicely blends offensive and defensive tactics, and has a 'one more run' charm to it.

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Profile: morrish (@int_main, andrewmorrish.net, andrew-morrish.itch.io)

Game: Tough Love Machine

Style: puzzle, pretty colors

Andrew Morrish has two games available on Steam, 'Super Puzzle Platformer Deluxe' and 'Kingsway'.  I haven't played the latter, but SPPD has a great concept, fantastic visuals, tight controls and a diverse group of playable characters.  I didn't know he had stuff on itch, but TLM was recommended by Steven Miller (@stevenjmiller37, who also has a bunch of cool games on itch too).  It's a great puzzle game: fun, intuitive and a joy to look at.

There are two hearts and two arms on the screen.  Using the arms (WASD for the left and arrow keys for the right) you reposition the hearts until they are either stacked or side-by-side.  This seemingly simple formula yields impressively deep results.

One thing I always look for in puzzle games is how clearly they visually communicate concepts and rules.  In games like 'Stephen's Sausage Roll' or 'Baba Is You', the concept and mechanics work seamlessly, because the visual cues and puzzle design are so well done.

Those games ('Roll' and 'Baba') force you to very carefully consider the space you're given and how the rules you know can be applied to them.  I know that sounds like something that ALL puzzle games should do, just like regular exercise is something that ALL people should do, but we know that's not the case.

So when I got stuck in 'Roll', it usually meant there was some part of the level I wasn't utilizing, despite the design/visual cues clearly pointing me towards it.  TLM does a similarly good job of keeping the puzzle design uncluttered and avoiding bullshit red herring solutions, another common puzzle game pitfall.

BTW, I haven't actually beat it yet.  I'm stuck on the level called "you might actually be getting worse".  My God, this game sounds like my ex-wife.

Just kidding, I don't have an ex-wife.  I'm not kidding about being stuck but don't spoil it for me.  You can spoil it for my ex-wife tho, she always hated surprises.  Or maybe she just hated me.

Whatever the imaginary case may be, just make sure you don't hate 'Tough Love Machine'!  You could say it's TOUGH not to LOVE it.  You could say that, especially if you wanted people to hate your writing style.

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Profile: terriv (@terrivellmann, terriv.itch.io)

Game: TANKITA

Style: roam-around tank-shooter

Terri Vellmann recently released 'High Hell' (which I'm very excited for) but I've been playing 'Heavy Bullets' for just about a year now and I love it.  I was a bit put off at first and it took awhile to develop effective strategies (I can get to level six out of eight so far), but a good run in 'HB' is super satisfying, even tho they all end in an abrupt death.

TANKITA (or 'Bounty Hunter Tankita') is a tank-shooter with nice 'roam-around' style maps.  Each map has bases to destroy or enemy waves to fight off.  All of it is done in a low-res style but with bright colors and appealing cartoon-style character/vehicle designs.

You control the tank's movement with the L-stick and weapon aim with the R-stick.  The left and right bumpers are your main and alt fire, and the A button is jump.

As much fun as the game is, the control style caused some mild frustration.  The only issue I have is with the jump.  Circle-strafing enemies is pretty effective, except you have to keep moving your right thumb to jump or risk taking heavy damage from missiles.

However this frustration led to a worthwhile thought experiment: If I were to remap the controls, what changes would I make and how much would they change other gameplay elements?

I'll preface this by saying (or writing, at least) this:

A lot of well-intentioned game design feedback suffers from a common problem: the proposed solution has far-reaching consequences and would alter so many facets of gameplay that the amount of work necessary would far exceed being just a 'small tweak'.

So, my first instinct is to eliminate the jump entirely and focus on the weapons.  The problem with that is the tank is now largely defenseless, so the enemy behavior and the map layouts have to change drastically to compensate.  For starters, the enemy's missile fire rate would need to be adjusted (even tho you can shoot them down with your own missiles) or the amount of damage they do has to be heavily nerfed.

My next idea was to eliminate the alt fire and just have the main weapon and the jump ability, and map them to LB/RB.  This allows a good balance between offense and defense, but still requires that many enemy/level elements be reworked.

I like the second solution better.  Either solution would take a lot of time, but the second has a higher 'ceiling'.  You could compensate for the lack of an alt fire several ways:

Create opportunities for 'massive' or 'chain' style damage - like lure a group of enemies near a fuel truck, pepper the truck with your main gun and watch the explosion cause a chain reaction among the enemies.  Incentivizes the player to group enemies together and utilize environmental elements, which would mean reworking each map's layout.

Have Contra-style weapon drops - sometimes you get just the right weapon and other times you pass it up.  It's asking a lot of the player to go thru a game (even a short one) with only one weapon type.  The control style is still simplified to jump/attack, but the player can still have some variety.

Still, 'TANKITA' is worth checking out, as is Vellmann's other work on itch.  I like his visual style and something like 'mundo lixo' is a good chance to admire the aesthetics without any pressing gameplay demands.  

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Well, folks, thanks for reading.  May other people indulge you to the extent that you've indulged me.

Love & Respect,

==KB==