#Any employer would find out anyway- I don't believe you can still change enough forms of ID in FL for tax purposes to go stealth

[vamptastic]

I seem to be consistently passing without a binder now which is insane. Would not have guessed that would be possible like, a year ago. Facial hair makes a really big difference I guess? Makes sense given that I mostly wear loose dark clothing so you would need to be like, checking me out a bit or be around me a lot to notice I have boobs. Still pretty obvious if I wear certain clothing, and I think someone who was around me for a prolonged period would be able to tell, though luckily I'm mostly around college students that are cool with trans people anyway. But generally, random people gender me as male and nobody gives me shit or gets confused for introducing myself with a male name. Yippee

[amethystblack]

I've got a question, I messaged you quite awhile ago telling you that you were an inspiration to me as a closeted trans girl. I was curious as to how you started on your journey for all of it, it seems quite overwhelming at first. You don't have to answer this publicly if you don't want to ^.^

well, I don't mind... of course there's always that veil of anxiety in talking about this kind of thing, but i don't really believe in keeping quiet about that kind of thing, especially if it could help someone else.

so... how i started on a journey. well, i wonder...

to tell the truth, i wasn't really responsible about it at first. i was already in university by the time i realized this was something i needed to do. i'd done enough research to understand that it's hard to reverse many effects of T-- so i felt like the younger i started the better. i was always getting older, and therefore i felt like, i was always getting worse (as in, more masculine). the pressure was on. i had been very lucky to be able to pass, in terms of both appearance and voice, even before treatment, but i was worried the longer i waited the more of that i would lose (and i think i wasn't wrong. the last year before i started felt... especially harsh).

of course to start hrt you gotta get approved by a therapist, and gosh, that can take forever, you know? if it happened at all. the process was certainly daunting, and i'm historically not the best at talking about myself anyway. plus money... i really wasn't keen on the matter. i didn't think i had that kind of time. so, i was referred to a certain website of questionable legality where i could order hormones for myself. rather impulsively, i went for it.

i didn't want to tell my parents. i didn't want to tell my family. i didnt think they'd understand. if it meant being happier with myself, i'd resolved to just cut them off entirely anyway. i'd find a place to move out to, i thought, by the time that effects started showing. i'd make it work. this was naive.

and in the first place, it never had a chance because my mom actually intercepted the package i ordered when it arrived-- apparently a box from new zealand is out the ordinary??? nonsense. anyway i was super evasive about it and made up some lie to cover it and she made me send it back and i was a Sad. in retrospect, this was probably a good thing. the friend who had referred me to that site got in some trouble for it later on and wasn't able to transition fully... i sincerely think that that is a major component of why she chose to take her own life.

my girlfriend at the time was pretty critical in the matter. i had actually told her some time in the past-- which lead to her breaking up with me. eventually we got back together and she was an irreplacable support for me. especially as i was first transitioning, she lent me a lot of clothes and helped me shop for other ones, which was huge for the sake of getting me started.

eventually i had to accept the fact that i'd have to at least tell my mom if i wanted things to work out. she had always told me she'd support me if i was gay-- but this was a bit different. i didnt think she'd be ready for it. i wasn't wrong. when i finally came out to her i was able to in no small part because my girlfriend was there with me. my mother didn't really take it well at first. she started crying-- and saying some less than helpful things. but it became clear that she was mostly concerned for my safety above all else... in the weeks following she did some reading on the matter and came around to it fairly well. i was surprised.

my girlfriend and i eventually broke up. the bottom line was i was way too uncomfortable with myself to continue being intimate, and that didn't work for her. it was a nasty break, but the harsh end encouraged me to just go full time. i'd seen that i wasn't going to be happy with myself otherwise. but i had a year and so of classes in uni left, and i was -all- kinds of nervous about it. the advantage that i had was that for the past 2-3 years, i had talked to barely anyone on campus at all. i had been really uncomfortable with myself, so i just avoided everyone... meaning nobody knew me. i wouldn't have to worry about being recognized at all.

... except for by those from my on-campus job. although i knew my employers were the type who would have supported me, our clients were the type who absolutely would not have-- so i made the choice to withdraw. i found a job at a tea shoppe in my neighborhood instead. it was family owned and i made sure the owner supported me beforehand. i often felt out of place there-- but it may have just been the dysphoria (and my boss, despite being supportive, was a very Intense person which totally didnt help at all)... nevertheless, it got me through.

thanks to that, i was able to afford therapy. i found therapists known specifically for gender therapy just so i could get the letter to a physician to approve HRT. i picked the closest one and started meeting with her ASAP. i was really more interested in the letter than actual treatment there, but even so for the most part, i found that i just needed to answer honestly and it worked out fine. the therapist had some key points to ensure before approving me-- first, that i had experience living full time. check. second, that i could come out to my family-- not so check.

she and my mom eventually convinced me to come out to my grandmother, and my father. i felt the rest of the family would be fairly "sure, whatever" about it, but those were the two i was most worried about. i came out to them both by email. my grandmother is a classic right wing christian-born trump-supporting ol' gal, and she is also very particular about how she prefers people and matters of the family to be. ...but defying all expectation, she accepted it without any hesitation, and expressed some amount of disappointment that I didn't feel like I could trust or rely on her for that kind of thing in the first place. So okay, point taken. To this day she still struggles with remembering to use the correct pronouns, but we have kind of a running joke with it... at one point she messed up and she was just like "oh! shucks, just call me Harold." misgender for misgender i guess. still awkward when it's in public-- but kind of funny, and i know she means well.

then there was my father. his initial response to my email was basically a brief paragraph refuting the reasons i'd justified being trans with, and telling me why, in psychological terms, they probably were not actually the case. but frankly that was about what i expected. he and i have been rather distant, and he was not the most accepting or open kind of person in the first place. later that summer we met for the usually one time per year we typically get to see each other. he asked me what i wanted for my birthday. i told him that the only thing i wanted was for him accept me for who i was. he got me a 3DS instead.

but he eventually quietly came around though, i think. to tell the truth intimate discussions are not something we really have so it's hard for me to know his true feelings-- but at the least he goes along with it.

then there were just classes. i hadn't changed my legal name yet so i was still on the roster with some wrong information. so on the first day of class, i pulled each teacher aside and explained my situation to them. the campus policies were in my favor, so they had to oblige when i asked them to refer to me appropriately. fortunately they all seemed very understanding about the matter. i'm lucky to live in a city like this after all. i was able to reach out to other students a little more that year. at the least, i had a few people i could have considered friends, even if i never saw them out of class. but avoidant habits are hard to break. in the end, i graduated without making any lasting connections from university. i would chose not to walk at my graduation ceremony, for the obvious reason.

at some point during that school year my therapist finally approved me to transition. god bless. after reviweing the options i decided to get my hormones from planned parenthood. did you know planned parenthood offers transitioning hormones??? i sure didn't. anyway pls no defunderino thx.

and then i found something out-- i was under the impression that, of course, i wouldn't be able to have biological kids after surgery, but i had not known that HRT would rule that out as well. i wasn't really sure if i wanted to-- and even now i'm ambivalent. but i figured i should leave the door open for it. so despite being approved, i paused everything and took some time and a lot of money dear god what, to store cells for the future in case i ever do decide i want kids. that ended up taking frankly way too long. when it was over with i jumped back on that HRTrain ASAP.

the process of changing names was... tedious, and drawn out, but ultimately unremarkable. there were various forms to fill out and turn in and state regulations, fees, gotta visit this office except jk that's the wrong one try this one except jk that's the wrong one too try this one except jk does this office even actually exist???? and eventually i had to stand in front of a judge and hope he approved it. he took one look at the forms and approved it without even announcing the reason (as i saw him do for other people there) so that was really considerate of him. i was ready with like a full essay in defense, but in the end it was totally okay.

as for the HRT... i mentioned before i felt like i was always getting worse, you know, right? of course due to the nature of hormones, after i started taking them it would be a couple weeks before they kicked in... but it was an immediate improvement for me. from the first night, it completely turned around. everything was getting worse-- no. from then on, it was always going to get better.

oh... and there was one more place i forgot i had to come out to... reborn. people online always "mistook" me for a girl anyway, and that was always a huge compliment to me. so i think a lot of people weren't really surprised. the most awkward thing was actually... my in-game character. the game was already four episodes in or so and i had just used my generic custom trainer sprite from the site generator before for the intro... haha, it's a little silly, but for a long time i had just been editing it a little bit by bit to make it more feminine. it was a little too long before i actually completely replaced it.

...anyway, that was the start of things. beyond long-winded, but hopefully some of it can help somehow. honestly before and after transitioning is really like night and day, so hang in there. i promise it'll be worth it, and you'll surprise yourself in ways you'd never expect.

[inner-muse]

2, 5, 14 for the OC Codex prompts for Kelandris and Karena

Hey so remember that time you asked me this ages and ages ago?! I didn’t forget about it!!! Codex ask prompts!! I’ll split them up by character, with most below the cut because long posts make me sad.

Kelandris Trevelyan

2. A letter written by your OC’s family member

(From her older sister)“Kelandris,

Thank the Maker you’re alive! And thank you for informing us. I write you from the Trevelyan estate – I rejoined our family here when news of the Conclave’s destruction reached Ostwick. Losing Her Holiness was bad enough; losing you as well was heartbreaking. Now that the mood here has lifted, however, I will return to the chapel soon— though I shall have to temper my joy, first. The whole Chantry is in mourning for the Most Holy, nor was I the only Sister who lost someone close to them. It would be cruel to flaunt our family’s good fortune.

The others are just as glad; I suspect this is not the only note you will receive. Asharion is already scoffing at your new title. I must admit, I never thought I’d be glad to hear our brother’s complaints. He refused to speak of you after your supposed death; he refused to speak of almost everything. The silence was terribly disturbing. Within five minutes of your letter’s arrival, though, he was back in fine form. “As if Kelandris needed any more reason to be smug,” were his exact words. (He smiled as he said it, but don’t tell him I said so.)

Herald of Andraste is quite the impressive title, to be sure. Did you trulyI confess to much awe and confusionIt seems impossible to believe, and yet(I fear my thoughts on the matter are as disordered as this parchment. Our lady Mother would be scandalized to see such scribbles.)

Whatever else may have changed, you are still, and will always be, my little sister. I know it would be futile to say “Stay safe” – you’ve never let anyone face  danger on your behalf. So instead, I will leave you with “Be careful.”

Lady’s blessings,Not that you need them,Ellanora”

5. Letters between two of your OC’s companions about them

(From Josie)“Madame Vivienne,

Thank you once again for the fine list of boutiques. The Inquisitor and I made good use of your recommendations. Your hopes for Lady Kelandris were well-founded; her sense of style is impeccable. I cannot judge whether she comports herself as well in silks as she does in armor, having never seen her on the battlefield, but she does cut a striking figure.

She has insisted I withhold the full report until our return. A mere letter could never do justice to all the Orlesian finery, she claims; such things are best described in person, preferably over tea and fine pastries. Perhaps you would care to join us, once we are back in Skyhold? Lady Kelandris has offered to play hostess. Seeker Cassandra and Leliana are invited as well. We have already seen to refreshments – your suggested chocolatier is delightful, and the Inquisitor knows a patisserie that sells the most lovely lemon tarts. You will find the address enclosed.

Respectfully yours,Josephine Montilyet”

14. Your OC talking about your favorite quest

(I have no idea who she’s talking to, but it must be someone close for her to be quite so open.)“Afraid? I faced down a self-styled god who keeps an Archdemon as a fucking pet, and you’re asking if I was afraid?” (She laughs.) “I was terrified. Honestly, I was certain I was going to die… But I would have, to save the people of Haven. The Inquisition, the pilgrims, the refugees— everyone was depending on me. I wasn’t about to let a little thing like ‘fear’ get in my way. Although… afterwards, in the snow… that was— difficult. Determination kept me going for a while, but the fires of conviction can only do so much against an actual blizzard. I will confess, I started to wonder if I wasn’t meant to be a martyr, after all. It seemed a particularly ignoble end, freezing to death mere hours after surviving the fall of Haven. Then again, Andraste perished in fire; I suppose it would have been poetic for Her Herald to perish in ice.

“Yes. I do think I’ve been chosen. Or touched, or blessed, or something, at least. How many others were at the Conclave? Hundreds, at least. And yet, out of everyone, I was the one survived. I know how to fight; I know how to lead. I have the courage to stare down a dragon – I know not everyone could have done what I did. I’ve always thrived under pressure. I’m good at this, all of this. It’s hard not to believe that Andraste has a hand in my presence here.”

Karena Cousland

2. A letter written by your OC’s family member

(Written in a six-year-old’s untidy scrawl. I’m not crying, you’re crying.)“Deer Dear Auntie,

I kno you are still out saling saleing saeling sailing but Papa says if I rite a letter you will see it soon. Was Grate Grandfather reely really a pirate? And Grandmother. Sinse you are on the'ir ship you must be a pirate too! Is there lots of pirate treshur tresure treasure there? Will you bring me back a sword?

Your favrit nefew favorite nephew, Oren”

(Added below, in a smaller, neater hand)“Karena—

I tried explaining “privateers” to Oren. I’ve told him that Mother and Grandfather hunted Orlesian ships for King and Country, not gold and glory, but he won’t hear of it. Perhaps you can appease him with some “pirate treasure?” I would suggest a cutlass from Grandfather’s armory, but Oriana would have both our hides. I’m sure you can come up with something suitable. 

—Fergus”

5. Letters between two of your OC’s companions about them

(Sometime during Inquisition’s timeline.)“A little bird told me you’re having some problems with cultists. Need assistance? —Z

Not if you’re making my birds sing. —L

Not yours. I know better than that, dear Nightingale. —Z

No snakes in need of tickling at the moment. But V. R. is hiding nests of vipers and I’ve no eyes to spare for our friends in Denerim. Can you keep watch? I worry that a disgruntled Bann or Arl will contact your former employer, with all these new enemies to use as cover. —L

Of course. What have they been doing to rile the country so? I’ve not been following Fereldan politics. —Z

You know A & K – they’re both idealists. Trying to right all the world’s wrongs. K has a good head for diplomacy, but there’s only so much even her silver tongue can do against ages’ worth of ingrained prejudice & corruption. —L

Is that not what your Inquisition faces as well? —Z

Among other things, yes. But the Inquisition was formed amidst the ashes of the Chantry. We can rebuild it from the ground up. Our friends do not have that luxury in Ferelden. —L”

14. Your OC talking about your favorite quest

(Yes, the Deep Roads was my favorite. Come at me, deep-roads-haters! She’s pretty clearly talking to Alistair here, who wasn’t in the party for the expedition. Also, once again – I’m not crying, you’re crying.)

“Awful. It wasawful. I don’t want to go back there. I never want to go down through that terrible Tainted darkness ever again! I d-don't— I don’t want to be the strong one anymore!” (The words devolve into muffled sobbing. After a while, the sound of distress eases.) 

“S-sorry. I’m very good at getting your shirt wet, it seems… Thank you. I needed that. Andraste’s blood, the things we saw down there…” (There’s another choked sob.) “No, I’m alright. I’m all cried out, now, anyway…” (A pause; a deep breath, slightly shaky.) “It w-wasn’t all bad. Well, I mean, it was; but the Dwarven-made parts were quite impressive under all the Tainted muck. You could see echoes of grandeur, sometimes. Soaring columns and wondrous bridges, covered in intricate carvings, where the ‘spawn hadn’t defaced them, anyway… 

“The song was everywhere, though. Just whispers, at first, but it just kept getting louder and louder the deeper we went. And then— and then we… We heard it from the source. We saw it. We saw the Archdemon with our waking eyes, and the whole horde spread out beneath him… We looked death in the face, that day. I thought for sure it would see us, or sense us up on that ridge – but I guess even Tainted Old Gods can’t pick out the sound of two Grey Wardens from such a cacophony.”

(A weary sigh.) “Nothing like an Archdemon to put this whole thing in perspective… Would you believe me if I said that wasn’t even the worst thing in the Deep Roads? It shows up in our nightmares, at least. There are other— other things, horrors like I’d never even imagined… If you’ve ever wondered how darkspawn reproduce, the answer is ‘horrifically.’ Don’t ask any more than that – if I think about it too hard it will just make me throw up. Again. And neither of us wants that.”