#Annalie Reicht

[bitchdafuqyousay]

Bad Bread

Nikolaj stared at the vague imitation of a loaf of sourdough on his kitchen counter; his lips pressed into a thin line in a desperate attempt to keep himself from laughing at it.

"Niko, I'm gonna fucking die. Oh my God it's so ugly I'm genuinely ashamed of it. My hideous first born child," His guest, an enthusiastic but slightly hopeless bread baking tutee groaned pathetically, her upper half slumped onto the counter next to him with her face in her hands.

"It's... certainly an effort. So."

She made a distressed keen from behind her hands, a sound he imagined a slowly dying rodent might make, "Fuck this I'm sticking to desserts. The only bread I'll ever make is monkey. God."

That hardly counted as a type of bread in Nikolaj's opinion, but he digressed;

"Maybe not all is lost, Anna, the outside appearance is. Well. We can both see it in front of us but maybe-"

"Niko I swear to whatever higher being you believe in if you it's what's in the inside that counts me right now I'll throw a fuckin' tantrum."

"Frankly, I think you're already throwing one. A small one, but one nonetheless," He pulled a bread knife from his knife block (a recent birthday gift from the woman currently whining over his counter) and approached the almost bread adjacent lump to slice it.

Wow.

"It deflated."

Anna screeched something unintelligible and all but fell to the floor, crouching on his tiles. The crust had somehow completely separated from the actual bread, and was floating down pathetically onto the loaf like a sad, threadbare blanket. Nikolaj once again sucked his lips in to keep from wheezing out a laugh, his friend was having no such reservations however.

She'd gone from woeful humiliation to loud uninhibited squawks of laughter; stifled only by her hands that still hid her face, "Oh my god it's so bad!"

"Air bubbles happen," He was trying for encouraging, "It might be alright."

"Nikooooo-" She wheezed out through peels of laughter, "You know it's shit!"

"Not yet I don't." Despite his placating he was squinting suspiciously at the thing. Truth be told, he had zero inclinations or even a smidgen of faith that it would taste alright. He broke off a teeny piece from the slice he'd cut, steeling himself to try it.

His efforts to prepare himself were for naught, however, because Anna had sprung up whip-quick from her spot on his tiled floor and snatch the morsel from his fingers.

"No. No fucking way. I'll be damned if I let you try this. I'm humiliated as is and I'd sooner throw myself down this building's elevator shaft than let Nikolaj- premium baker savant perfectionist- Kato put this anywhere near his pretty mouth." She punctuated her (ridiculous) statement by tossing the bite of bread into her mouth and chewing quickly like there was a risk he'd take it back from her. He leaned back onto his counter, crossing his arms over his chest and watching the very impressive array of expressions cross her face.

"It's so bad. It is so goddamn bad," was the final review- delivered with a now deadpan face and rounded shoulders, "It's a good thing I brought my own ingredients instead of using yours like you offered. This is a total fucking waste. Of everything. Even air."

Nikolaj snorted and swiped a second small piece for himself, he wanted to know. He was desperately curious, ignoring Anna as she slowly shook her head no, tossing it into his mouth and cautiously chewing.

It really is true that curiosity killed the poor cat.

"Honestly, I'm impressed. It's texture in hand and on first bite is fine but somehow it turns to ash the second it comes into contact with saliva-" He wasn't able to suppress a huff of laughter this time "-it even tastes like ash. I imagine this is what'd it be like to scoop a handful of remains from the inside of a crematorium and try to eat it."

"Niko I am going to fucking kill myself right here in your kitchen."

She said it so dryly (as dry as the bread attempt he was currently spitting into his trash can) that he barked out a surprised laugh, nearly choking on what was left in his mouth. After a second or two she started laughing again, each exhale getting louder and louder.

"It was like trying the goddamn cinnamon challenge all over again!" She screeched and he started to laugh harder, remembering that stupid trend and how it'd gone for them when they tried it. He still had the video of it on his computer, two stupid high schoolers in atrocious 2010s fashion trying to swallow spoonfuls of spice and choking instantaneously- coughing reddish brown powder all over themselves and one another in her mother's kitchen. Her laugh increased in volume; interrupted by loud painful snorting as she tried to say something else. It came out more like the sound of a banshee choking and he had to lean on the counter to support himself as he choked on his own spit.

Her laugh had always taken him out, she'd start squawking and he'd bypass laughter and go straight to wheezing and tearing up. She flapped her hands, drawing his attention to the failed lump of bread on his counter- pointing and shrieking as it somehow deflated even further, the bottom flattening out like a punctured tire.

He guffawed (a very ugly sound, even to his own ears) at the pathetic thing and a sharp cackle bubbled out of Anna's chest at the sound. The high sharp, crack of her laughs merged with his diaphragm deep gasps and rumbly chuckles in the air of his kitchen and he briefly worried about his old as dirt neighbor rocking up to his door to bitch about the noise. He looked over at Anna as she leaned over onto the counter, grinning so big he thought her cheeks might tear as she tried to catch her breath.

Whatever. Fuck that old bag.

Nikolaj smiled back at her, not as big as her smile (no one could ever smile as big or bright as Anna did) but no less genuine or joyful, his own chest heaving as he clutched the counter corner for support.

"Niko, I'm telling you-" she straightened herself up "-I'm sticking to desserts." Her grin was still there, all teeth.

"Anna, I'm telling you," He pointed at the "bread" and smirked smugly at her, "I'm taking that thing to school tomorrow, and showing it to Ira."

"You will not show that to our meanest colleague!" She stomped her foot but her smile widened, no doubt imagining their friend's reaction to it. Ira would absolutely try it and the sharp witted woman would bring them all to their knees with the quips she'd make about it.

"Oh who knows. Maybe she'll like it! It might remind her of cigarette ash," He started and Anna let out a chuff of laughter, "You keep making that bread and bring it to her, and she'll be able to quit in no time. Wean her off with it."

"Ira'd beat you half to death with her office chair if she heard you say that!"

"I'll give her your attempt at bread, say it, then run out real quick to the infirmary so that way even if she does catch me I'll be able to get medical attention immediately."

"Wow, full proof plan. Incredible calculations." She turned to face the loaf completely, planting her hands on her hips and shaking her head, "Seriously though, the hell do we do with this? Put it out on the street, it's so bad I'm willing to chuck it to the birds. Leave my first born to the wilderness."

"Stop calling it that, also, what wilderness? This is a residential block, Anna. In a city. The wildest thing here is my neighbor."

"Oh yeah, for sure. That bitch bites I just know it. If that walking mummy gets too pissed about volume she'll snap and leave her dentures embedded in your arm. Septic bite type beat."

Nikolaj chuckled, "She'd pitch a fit if we chuck this outside, and truthfully, I don't even think the birds in this so-called wilderness will want this."

She rolled her eyes as he came to stand next to her, the both of them staring down at the halfway flat bread in amused silence. He nudged her with his hip to get her attention, "We'll try again next weekend."

She looked up at him and matched his smile, "Yeah. I'll bring my own shit again. Not using up your Grade A baking stuff to bring yet another ugly lump into this world."