birdlord

[myrkkymato]

Furious

[crowvainn]

sighh, big vent/rant abt my life issues bc im lowkey tweaking 💔

had a mental breakdown bc im stressed about what will happen to me in the futureeee (anxiety! how fun /sarc) and im really unhappy with the fact that my mom will never accept my gender identity (shes islamic…) and i genuinely feel like a piece of shit bc i seem to always act like a ungrateful and selfish bitch-

a couple days ago i had heartburn, because i don’t eat particularly well (binge eating and eating unhealthy food in general… i really try to not to do so but it’s hard :() and that made my mom pretty stressed and i felt horrible about it and im scared with the possibility that i could damage myself greatly.

i also generally act stubborn and, well, not the best- it causes her to be pretty snappy with me (which i understand, i just wish she isn’t so harsh) and when i was being very much random and like… i don’t fucking know, just me being a weirdo again- she said to me “something bad will happen in your life, mark my words” or something like that. im not sure if she actually meant that (bc we were already stuck in the rain at that time and had came back from a reoccurring meeting thing she doesn’t exactly enjoy… can’t really say here for privacy reasons-) but that freaked me out big time. like… sorry for just being who i am, silly and well, myself… like jeepers give me a warning before you drop something very much not good at all that makes me question myself deeply ��

i really wish i could change how i act, even my identity, because i just wish that my mom accepted me. i wish i was a better person, i wish could meet her standards, i just wish that she supported me. but no, of course not. im sure she still loves me, even with me being a freaky goober, but she definitely doesn’t like how i am. i wish i can improve how i act for the better, but god damn that’s hard.

and with the fact that i have anxiety (i have a lot of symptoms, i can’t get professionally diagnosed, soo self diagnosed), anger issues, im super emotional andddd im stuck home with not much to do but be on devices n shit and just,, being alone with my thoughts a lot,,, i’ve just not been coping well, at all-

eugh… i wish school started earlier, so i’d be able to talk to my friends, as well as just being in a environment where im not??? alone with me myself and i??? this fucking sucks

i swear therapy would make me feel so much better, but im lowkey scared to talk about this to the counselors at my school about it, and i did ask my mom about getting therapy like a couple weeks back and she waved it off and said i didn’t need it… bitch you clearly know that im broken asf and you dont let me? :( ik it stresses her out but pleas….. do something that can help me feel better again aghhh

i also really hate that i have short term memory, and i can’t really understand some things correctly. it’s so damn annoying :C and with the fact that i was let on the internet at a pretty young age didn’t help either. like, fucking 2nd grade, is when i lost my innocence. god damn (then again, that’s when i moved to one of the other boroughs from queens, so. i got immediately exposed💀) and i was left unsupervised so much. im still on the internet a lot, and im not happy about that at all. but because of summer break, im stuck at home, andd i don’t have a lot to do besides basic chores, hw and reading. being on the internet is a escape from reality for me, but i really wish it wasn’t. im trying to do stuff other than being online but all the negative thoughts keep flooding back in my head… it’s literally so miserable even being online isn’t working to make those thoughts go away.

i feel dumb and useless. i feel like im a nuisance to everyone. i just wish i can belong, and i wish i was happy. im fucking scared of growing up, and im scared of what i’ll become. what the fuck will i even do when im an adult? i can’t fathom it at fucking all. im worried my life really will take a turn for the worst. (what if what my mom said is true…?)

i hate panicking. it’s starting to become more prominent :( and i’ve also been panicking with the thought of me being a therian, in which it’s like “oh no sam you might be a cambitherian or a therian and not animalhearted” to “no you can’t be either of those animalhearted resonates with you the most.” “righttttt…..?” and repeat. i don’t think i really identify as a cat at all but my brain is funky :< but like i do feel better with being cathearted. cats are my found family, but not my kin. if i had the ability to i’d def be a cat though. it would be a more stress free life 💔💔

now im using my ipad to take my mind off of the stress and rant abt this. welp… not helping that my ipad has a cracked screen and i have to get it fixed for the third time…. and that i have to deal with the hassle of moving soon… the only decent thing is me going to the beach on monday. maybe i’ll be a bit less active tomorrow. well i’ll try to- the summer reading homework isn’t doing itself…. sobbing

i feel like im typing gibberish now oopsies. its 11pm💀 sighhh I just hope things will get better soon, maybe when school starts again i’ll be able to cope better. (i feel like im repeating things a lot, but oh well)

[c03xistentw01]

yo

ayo i goooootta write i gootata write.

Its kinda embarrassing now idk what to say. so today when it was raining and i was walking in portello towards mensa with michele and we were both under the same umbrella guess whom i saw yes ofc the one i always see alone when im with michele: Giorgio. He always has this worried/upset look that I think stems from a lack of friends to hang out with on a saturday night. He seems quite harmless tho. anyway.

during lunch michele kept asking me about traditional ways of eating/dining in iran. he was like so do u guys have actual traditional meals i was like yea there are like stews with rice. he was like so is it just that? how about desserts? how about drinking coffee after/before meal? how about aperitivo before a meal? what are the products that we here in italy imported from "your country"? at some point he was like so yea this one time i was out i had this saffronish dessert with some marmelatta on top of it or he also said one time (or maybe some time when he goes out for eating) he might order some pasta and idk tbh? i lowkey felt like after the dessert thing he kinda expected me to be like so yea btw where was that one place to went to for the saffronish dessert? and he would like oh yea it was xxx i be like oh damn fr? he be like yea fr if u want we can go together once and and and andd....wow. people are actually patient with what they want? like are we sure that they exist? [yes. u just saw one today.] so like.....people don't just give u a poem they wrote for u 2 weeks ago on the first time of hanging out? like oh bro fr? deymn brother.

i miss you. ehem ehem.

anyway. i went to the lab afterwards. but no.

before that i went to math and it was a rainy day. at the entrance i saw soldier looking at his broken umbrella with so much confusion. swinging the bare empty handle in the air. all accompanied with so much confusion. the whole time i was looking at him i was about to throw up cuz he so damn adorable its unbelievable.

after that i went to lab and after making myself promise that when stefano was like yes for the meeting "absolutely" I'll be there today in the lab, it means that he would "absolutely" be there so imma wait until as late as it can get just to get answers. and i did and i was blessed with his emergence. he had his umbrella or hat or sth in his hand. he said "hiiii" with a really lovely tone tbfr and was like "i put this (pointed at this hat/umbrella) for a second then I'll come back" and he legit did come back in a second. he came and sat next to me and bro has zero notion of personal distance (which ehem ehem tbfr? kinda um? kinda um felt kinda um? NoIcEEEehemhehmhem?) anyway bro legit came sit like a hurricane and got too close his legs were touching mine and imagine me who's always overwhelmed over simple fucking existence of mere beings, was trying to run the fucking tiago shit. which i did in the end. tbr at first i tried to move away my legs away a bit because i was like maybe he did it cuz he dont have enough space left so i did it move my legs away but my BRO IT DID NOT WORK? so then i thought ok maybe if i continue doing it he be thinking this one lil weirdo is doing wtf? so i stopped and tried to focus on the tiago shit. i dont remember much more. he was like ok do this do that he gave me the big image of my thesis once more in detail and then said something like that what u achieved until now with moving the whole robot and shit is good and all dont panic and all u aint no behind my child. and was like the lil reports u send every now and then are good keep doing those they will come in hand when u wanna write the thesis itself. and bro. when we were talking while seated, i felt weird about his head. like his head and hands looked way bigger when up close. and also eyes ehem eheme ehemehere. i couldn't tell whether they green or brown or hazel.

yea that was it. lowkey intense. u can use that as the starting point for a future hentai plot.

also on the way out i almost bumped into daniel (fusaro). he said oh scusa...ciao!!! (cuz he saw me leaving) i said ciao but then i saw him bumping into the open window and dropping his notebook on the floor i turned back and was looking at him he said a posto i smiled he left. u know what i like? the fact that he felt the need to reassure me that it/he era a posto. man how much i liked that.

[update]: HELP. my virgin-ass has not been having it AT ALL OK? I can so NOT pretend like I did not get turned on. ok? I've legit had 4 0rga3mz in the last 36 hours and I'm just...helpless. I was trying my best not to google you. AND not to daydream which i successfully FAILED at both. so apparently u were doing your [continuous?] master's at Polimi from 2011 until 2017 so that makes you 31/2ish? you went to EPFL and ETH Zurich ... oh fuck it. i just learned on my intensive Facebook cyberstalking journey that you are in a relationship (and seem to have been since around 2011ish?) and tomorrow when i regain my emotional strength I'll get back here (i go die slowly, thinking of how you were playing table tennis naked).

anyway. what i mainly wanted to say is that the fact that you were so comfortable being physically close to me stems from (as a result of at least 48 hours of intensive deep analytical-hierarchical reasoning) the fact that you are so highly sure of YOURSELF that it can not possibly even BEGIN TO MEAN anything to you. While me, on the other hand, was so acutely unsure of myself that i kept keeping my distance. but hey, it could be worse. I will still have (hopefully) such small physical interactions that well, as we all know by now, can not mean shit to you and to me, they have the full potential to brighten up even just a bit, this current doom and gloom era of my life. I think I do feel privileged to entitle myself to seek (not desperately) this occasional pleasure. To not essentially feel the closeness, but to notice myself enjoying the satisfaction of adoring you under the hood. [update]: I was so sad a while back i wanted to be shredded to pieces and vanish into thin air. I wanna let go of fear so bad but the more you try to run away from it the more it catches you instead. Ethical or fucking not, we are declared fully free to think whatever thought we want right? This weekend I felt loved and thrilled to the core. I felt loved because I felt like I could simulate what it could be like to receive it from you. I kept tweaking the parameters in my head to align my imagination with the "most probable" scenario. It was an oscillatory stochastic process but it was worth it, i enjoyed the short ride, with "you". The memories of the brief frenzy still smoothens my ever-shaky soul, puts it at ease. oh man. how many times did i imagine kissing you or nervously running my fingers on your neck grabbing your waste and feeling my legs between yours but above all, how many times did I try to make myself feel "accepted" by you? enough times i bet. no matter how free we appear to be in our own "mind castles", I was still way too unsure to give in to my vulnerabilities with you. Although I did not deprive myself from feeling like I'm a kite being flown by you. Keep flying me don't let go of the leash can't get enough of the height or the wind or the view oh the view for sure most of all . .

... scusa ma ho troppo sonno ok

[donttouchtheneednoggle]

33 andd... 50?

33. Come up with the best way to ask someone out, right now!

.....yeah i got nothing 🤣

50. Any arospec headcanons?

*SLAMS heavy folder down on table* RIGHT

1. Dani from Sense8 - Aroace

daniela my babyyyyy i have literally no words problematic fave she is an aroace person who is VERY sex favourable and she’s in a straight up qpr with lito and hernando in canon and she’s so fucking important <333

2. Sir Leon from BBC Merlin - Aroace

literally what is there to say... that is a man. he is aroace. i’ve seen him be called straight before even tho he’s literally the only knight where attraction/relationship to a woman or anyone else is not even slightly suggested ik he’s boring but that’s entirely separate to his orientation xx

Tahani Al Jamil from the good place - Grayromantic Bisexual

my ICON the way her romantic relationships are usually a way for her to feel valued and she recognises this and works on it and she has a happy ending that does not involve a partner in any capacity and it’s so SUBVERSIVE whether she’s arospec or not but i gotta project xx

Kala Dandekar from Sense8 - Demiromantic Demisexual

kala didin’t want to get married bless her. kala went on several long rants about amatonormativtiy and was EXTRMELY salty about the notion of giving up a career to marry and have children. girl fell for wolfgang fairly quickly bc of their instant deep emotional connection thank you sensateness then the finale is her realising she’s actually in love with her husband too and having a massive poly demi crisis darling im so sorry i love you but it is fucking HILARIOUS 🤣

The Doctor - Aromantic Asexual Aplatonic spectrums (also genderkdsfklglhl) (but none of it bc they are an alien!!!!)

I HAVE DECIDED. mayyybe they are varying degrees of each depending on regeneration or maybe it's just how they show it but just... the way they experience relationships and how they will leave people behind and not think to pop back.... they like having company and spending time with friends and depending on regeneration are very affectionate and some people they do bond more deeply with and they don't like being left (it's the rsd) and they NOT do well on their own but... they just need someone? idk they tend to move on quickly and not look back and as long as they've got the tardis and the freedom to travel and at least one nice person to run with them show them the sights, they're all good <3

Morgana Pendragon from BBC Merlin - Aromantic Lesbian

it feels so wrong to hc her like this when she’s the literal embodiment of the aromantic stereotype - cold, beautiful, suggestive demeanour, her lack of capacity for love emphasizing her evilness- but at the same time i can’t leave her off this list, and she’s very much an aromantic lesbian before she ‘turns evil’. i can’t see s1 or any other season her being interested in romance, even if she’d stayed ‘good’ she just wanted to be able to be herself and for her friends to be safe.

Samantha Carter from Stargate SG1 - Aromantic... Heterosexual? maybe??

this is a recent one i galaxy brained the other night and the reason why samjack always felt a bit beyond just ‘they’re in love’ finally fell into place *checks notes* ten years after they became my first otp. n e way yeah she’s aro and doesn’t know it and ends up with an increasingly shitty series of men when she already has a perfectly good qpr she’s very happy with and i will make a full post about this bc she deserves it <3

All the female royalty in BBC Merlin bc they deserve an aro club <3

SORRY but this mithian quote in particular just... SCREAMS pining aro struggling to accept themselves under amatonormativity <3

Michael from The Good Place- Aroace (+Agender!!)

which is GROSS 🤢 by the way, kissing is GROSS 🤢🤢You just mAsH yOUr foOd hOLeS tOGeTheR, they're not 🙅‍♂️ for that!!

he makes me feel seen 🤣💚🤍🖤

[inthe-afterglows]

this ask has been a long long time due cause your fics have been my major source of comfort ever since i found them so this is gonna be a super long rant and im not even sorry cause your fics deserve all the appreciation and im so glad they exist. alsoo, hiiiii can i please have an eternity to scream about how every one of them is this overall total brilliance and love-packed masterpiece!????? your writing is incredible, like on every mortal and supernatural plane that exists.

"tis the damn season"??? I SPENT AN HOUR TEXTING MY BEST FRIEND AFTER I READ IT ABOUT HOW I WANT MY OWN PERSONAL LILY EVANS OR JAMES POTTER THE WAY YOU WRITE THEM (to quote red white and royal blue, "bisexuality is truly a rich and complex tapestry") but seriously, your lily and james are so in love and its so fucing lovely and giddy and just present in every word, reading them feels like listening to a song taylor wrote about joe, or one they wrote together, like "yes i want that kind of love" which brings me to the next thing i need to scream about, THE TAYLOR SWIFT REFERENCES, just when i thought your stories couldn't get more perfect, we get the bumping in hometown and lily wearing a CARDIGAN to meet james from her parents house and even the other james and betty and augustine and william bowery's refrence too and the references in the proposal????? fucking golden.

alsooo i dont even know what to say about the orchestred coincidences universe series except for AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. unorchestrated surprises is top of my list of reads for a rainy day, it felt like being drowned in fluff and cuteness and i loved every fucking moment of it. james's parents and jily's friends and how you even made the dreaded petunia and vernon dinner so funn. and the whole plot and cuteness of orchestred coincidences was amazing, literally everything- how they met and then following each all over Europe and he played "love story" for lily (!!!!!!!!!) and their rambling voicemails, such great material for sirius's best man speech istg. also i absolutely loved lily standing up against petunia's bullshit in both of themm.

andd "illicit affairs" was an emotional rollercoaster that I'd take happily any dayy, the way you wrote all those little elements of the song into the fic, the dont call me kid, dont call me baby and you know damn well i would ruin myself and parking lots and like the subtler more emotional ones, "You taught me a secret language I can't speak with anyone else" and "You showed me colors You know I can't see with anyone else" were just so perfectly potrayed in the lily's feelings that it honestly made me cry.

im convinced that everything you write is literary genius at this point. the oneshots only prove that more cause honestlyy "say you wont let go" (once again kudos on your music taste and the fic? so adorable i could cry) and "between the aisles" (that made my dayy and i literally danced when saw the notific in my inbox) and "the girl in the ivy house" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i realise that im literally word vomitting right now but i cant go without screaming about "at the beginning" because holy fuckkk, its like all the most interesting troupes everrrr in one!??? like anastasia au + outlander au + childhood bestfriends + a war period era fic + royalty and memory loss? just WOWWW. i literally love it so so much i can not tell you enough, Thursdays are marked on my calendar and i love the updates and the cliffhangers are torture but i love them too. james' and lily's dynamic in your writing never fails to take my breath away and with atb that was all the more true. also, when lily played "dream a little, dream of me" i loveed it so much, i just pictured her singing it like the kina grannis version and definitely went awww on how james humed it later when they danced!! the mystery is so good and the plot with lilliana evander and the order and time travelling is everything. cant wait for the next one and im honestly ready to jump into the fic and punch voldy moldy and his death eater cronies if they hurt james and rem.

i haven't read "amateurs at war" yet but safe to say that im gonna ramble in your asks when i do. and ahh speaking of which, im sorry for rambling on for so fucking long, i just really hope you know that you're a truly brilliant writer and paint magic with your words and your fics are appreciated so much

i don't even know where to start because this is making me cry (in the best way) and will forever be crying at "your writing is incredible, like on every mortal and supernatural plane that exists" :') :') This whole ask is so touching I'm just :') and please, come ramble in my asks anytime because I will totally ramble right back at you so strap in for a long response!!!

It makes me so happy that you like my James and Lily enough to text your BFF for an HOUR about it!! Like AGAJHDJASDLKJ and thank you for your appreciation of the Taylor Swift references!!! They were some of my favs to work in :):) Also tho, if Lily isn't wearing a cardigan at some point is it even a taylor swift au???? because like 'standing in your cardigan, kissing in my car again'

Sirius' best man speech would've been equal parts epic and embarrassing for them both ahahahhaha Fluff and cuteness was basically my whole vibe when writing these fics!! I'm so glad you liked James' parents because that bit was one of my absolute favourite pieces to write and yes the dinner with Petunia and Vernon as well ;) And I'm so happy you mentioned the rambling voicemails!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was just trying to give illicit affairs it's due respect because it's one of my favs and hearing you talk about how you think I portrayed all the emotions in the song so well has me so soft right now!!

"im convinced that everything you write is literary genius at this point" actually deceased after reading this!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!! <3 <3 And so so excited that you've even read my older fics!! The Girl In The Ivy House and Say You Won't Let Go will always hold such a soft spot in my soul for me so beyond happy that you liked them!!! And you danced when Between the Aisles came out?????? Again SO SOFT RN!!!

ATB does have a lot of troupes I just hope I'm pulling them off!! Thursdays are marked on your calendar??? *insert heart eyes x100000* AHHHH so so happy you liked the Dream A Little Dream Of Me part!!! It was one of my favs to write!! I know I'm the writer but can I also jump in with you to punch out Voldy and his cronies? Pls & thx. Don't wanna say too much because spoilers but I hope you enjoy the rest as much as you've enjoyed the start!!!!

Please don't be sorry for rambling in my asks!! This literally made my entire day/week/month/year/decade/century!! <3 <3 <3

[gayspock]

dont rb, dont rply

wish i felt like more than just a nuisance but. having one of those moments of: Ah yes....... all im ever going to amount to is a fucking Bother to people and  . i dotn know man. hate being. so easily overwhelmed  those fucking Selfish desires to just Mean something to someone ......... do u kno what i mean..... to have some sort of Feeling thats not. burdened with the incessant Paranoia or just. outright knowledge that  the Other Person does not really give a damn. like i Wish to be something more than the backup friend for when its convenient  and. im tired of that being the best i can Ever be as a person - like thats my peak - and i KNOW  thats not the Point of any of it..... i know its not but . i jsut. i dont know man. fucking Stupid lonely cunt moments . my family dont love me and its so fucking hard to even talk to people any more.  and even when i do i dont know i just.  feel so disingenuous becauese its just Several layers of im trying too fucking hard to piece myself together and NOT be a freak. because nobody deserves fucking. sloppy king here fucking collapsing like that  and so its jjust..... hard to even Fathom not feeling . horribly detached from everyone at this p oint . and just knwoing that if i disappeared and died i dont think it would. be much of anything which . feels so Pathetic when i spend the better part of a decade just. deliberating over whether to kill myself or not and thats the . only thing thats really felt like its had Meaning to me at this point when even that. has such little significance in the end  which is . i dont know why im so Upset by it when that urge  itself is induced by the very fact i dont want anything else of it 

and NOW Im sat here fucking crying Again for silly, inane bullshite reasons and its so. fucking meaningless but i never seem to stop!! and its like JUST shut up. PLEASE.  and i just i dont know. its just. another instance of everything falling apart and its so fucking stupid because maybe i could manage being alone. maybe i fucking could and i think i actively would just Try to live like that but . when everything else is so hollow  ... whe n theres nothing else...... it jsut hurts really badand im sick of it im sick of just. everything AGAIN like i always and am its . jesus god if im not a broken fucking record like same. fucking shite being playing for years and years without stopping but h. i dont know i jsut. feel fucking numb as Hell andd i jsut. i just wish there was some purpose to any of it like SOMETHING to warrant a reason to try again but i dont know its that case of . i dont want to survive through it i dont want to get better  anyt more its not worth it its really not fucking worth it i just want to fucking end it because i cant. make anything here in this life i just fucking cant  . handle any of it

[joeltaylorredden]

I had died every day waiting for you and it scarred me, and you too from what you’ve told me. I’ve loved you for thousands of years and all along I believed I’d find you. The one, the TRUE one. You’re the one I was always searching for by not settling for anything less than love. Like shit, I didn’t know what love was at the time but I went through trial and error figuring out what it wasn’t. I spent countless months to years afraid of settling for anything less than pure magic in such slim hopes to one day find the one with the other half of my heart or die completely alone. I’ve believed there was that ONE in this world of 7 billion with the other half of my soul/heart since I first learned what “love” was and that’s my idea of a fairytale because what are the odds? I was going to find that one or die trying. Because that’s always been the driving force to get me to keep standing, because everything else in this life seems so empty if there’s no one there to speak your language, view the world through the same eyes. Find interests and passion in the perfectly right things. Someone that will never let you feel alone in this full but yet so empty planet. How did you manage to fill all the missing pieces in my heart from the moment I met you. It wasn’t simply hope because that isn’t promised and Personally it would be a disgrace to try to explain the way it felt to meet my 1 in 7 billion with emotions. Because it isn’t a fleeting feeling when you meet the one. It’s a feeling that will never leave. People talk about what’s inevitable but the only thing In this whole life I’ve been 100% sure of is the moment it turned from grey to color. I’ve done almost every drug out there but none could replace the feeling I feel in her presence when she would laugh behind that beautiful voice while saying something along the classy lines of “go fuck yourself” and close in on me reminding me with her brushing touch that comforted me in new weirdly odd fulfilling way like a small healthy meal that fills you up better than a heaping load of junk food can. I’ve never experienced physical comfort like that because I’ve always hated hugs since I can remember. With a look in her eyes that spoke to me in a language only I was built to decipher to read “you are home ” because I’ve come to learn that actions speak louder than words ever will. I can now start to understand looking back, she loved me way more than I realized. Because the whole time its all really up in the air we all know the best moments are the ones that are happening without knowing

Or putting a title on it, and when we met and starting talking a huge sign didn’t appear in the sky saying “YOU FOUND YOUR SOULMATE” that would of made it too easy and it just doesn’t work like that because it would mess up a huge section in the journey and steps of passion we experienced like a game of “poke the bear” okay alyvia did have some bear alpha energy but probably not the best simile but we can just say we’d both been in constant back to back to back “relationships” that were truly nothing ideal to the romance we have had imagined and dreamed of growing up watching lion king and Cinderella, where there’s no cheating, no lieing , no abuse just pure faith and trust and fun in the one who caught their eyes and it was truly a remarkable beautiful story.

Welllll I wanted that faith and trust love story shit since before I could even remember

I was I true romantic inspired by the one and only Taylor swift.

But through the years I just loved and loved and poured every ounce of my faith in a girl and in return I got zilch, given up on, bored of , felt as if I was some freak show for conveying real emotions feelings and care.

So I learned after the third strike out and crying my eyes TF out in my dads basement at 16 after visualizing a whole 30 year plan talking getting married and kids and the house with a girl that barely knows my last name…

Heartbreak hurts when it’s the first pretty girl that you thought was out of your league gives you a chance has a car and even gives you your 2nd kiss and totally just disappears when I thought we were gonna get engaged and be high school sweethearts. This generations majority became to shy away from the high school sweethearts thing so they could just have a free for all “having fun” to find their spouse in college so it’s “less work more fun”

As for me, I wanted my princess. The one that would commit & follow our dreams happily together no questions. It doesn’t have to be that hard right? Just find a pretty girl and be cool enough for her to want to stick around.

I tried that andd I found out I love wayyyy too hard . I would date girls that I didn’t think were all that great but I had hope, like no butterflies in any sense. No connection just a beginner at this “I’ll be your Prince Charming stuff” and I thought every guy just picked girls they saw potential in and they both just grew together from scratch as long as they both agree to commit and work on it it’s gonna go somewhere.

Welp I found out pretty fast i didn’t feel like Prince Charming regardless how hard we worked on the relationship like it was a boat we each took turns working on and both hopped in. anything deserving to be called Romantic was all just for the movies at this point in my life because I would Find myself either bored out of my mind with a girl that I didn’t vibe with In any category expect the fact She was a girl I was a boy. Gave up on the L train it became just a waste of time and was pretty draining.

And on the other side of things I go for a girls just for their looks because I didn’t really understand personality and morals back then so I’d get totally turned inside out by some girls who were totally lost for love because james kissed lainas best friend in 5th grade now she doesn’t trust fuckboys” and hooks up with any male or female that gives her attention that one night and THAT SHIT starts a domino effect of everyone wants to have fun but not get close to anyone so they’re heart won’t get broken, the first few hookups might get hooked but male or female will just move on within the hour or week with someone new because one “just wasn’t feeling it”

I saw this all play out before me before I had ever “Hooked up” (had sex) with a girl and I swore I wasn’t going to be like any of them because I’m a romantic and I’m gonna “fall in love” with the girl I first have sex with like how could I not. So skip the bs I date a girl she’s never had sex just like me. So she’s head over heels for me and I think she’s beautiful but she’s just different, like we gotta different vibe going on internally but since we’re both 8s and we could atleast look romantic together we’re just gonna look like hoes if we breakup and move on to someone else.

Also this is my first real intimate gf that’s on the same energy as me and attraction that I’m not scared of or bored she just looks good and we had an alright when we’d hangout, but my shitty ass friends at the time got it stuck in my brain I had to have sex soon with someone or I’ll be the “loser” so my eyes were on one prize and that’s where I lost my dignity I believe. We ended up getting closer and closer to booking up every time and then finally did, on the floor so my bed wouldn’t squeak with my stepmom upstairs and the door open. It was pathetic.

Felt good for a second but I was pictured it being so much better than, that…

So the people I was hanging out with at the time made fun of me for talking to that girl so what does any 17 year old do trying to have a reputation for a bunch of nobodys that think they can run other people’s lives morals and fantasies by embarrassment.

I break up with her. find a new girl bring her to a kick back and take her upstairs to this old

Guys water bed and have a 8 sec ride looking back it felt like 8 minutes 😂😂 but hell naw it was 8 pumps if that 😂 we go back downstairs and I expect to chill all night with this girl w her on me at the party like she was my date. But naw she hooked up w one person I came with in less than 30 seconds of me coming down stairs with her. That doesn’t feel good either…

Plus one more guy after him…

I had it, I was done feeling with my heart and thought it was time to just feel with my you know what, so since I left my morals on the floor in my basement I would wait for any people I would hangout with to bring a girl around and I’d swoop her up because it had been done to me.

I came to realize some shit doesn’t feel good regardless if there’s a reward with it.

Because now that I’m texting my homies date behind his back that made my conscience eat at me twice as hard and then I got my turn and fell for the girl who was obviously for everybody but i was new so I believed whatever her preying cute face would tell me and get me to do for her. Because this generations relationships became a scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours till we get bored type of deal and you dont want to be caught dead as a hopeless romantic in this fucked up society of hos and manhos or you’re gonna go under and never come back because drinking is a high school over the counter medication for depression or sadness, and if you were cool enough you’d do coke once or twice then three times and shit I’ll do four and five I already came this far anddddd then a gram a night then an ounce and then selling the cocaine and it’s a lot bigger deal than realized and jail happens. Then it’s a spiral of fucking bullshit.

From friends dying of overdoses to getting clamydia to being insecure about what the people at school heard about what happened over the weekend. The people who said They had you forget when your face down in the dirt and they talked you into doing drugs that would start a new chapter of my life

Called love isn’t real ,fuck bitches ,be broke and homeless with three new addictions and no sign or thought of a future because I just want to get fucked up to not feel sad anymore cause of that girl and my I thought all bestfriends/ brothers just did me sideways for the 20th time I was so obvious that some people really aren’t genuine and don’t even know what a real friend is because all they know is the next face is either a liability or an asset. I hate it. I can say I played a part in the dumb shit and wasn’t the true me and looking back now I was very lost and that’s why I decided to start keeping record of the ones who do the things that friends don’t do and mark em off the list regardless of who they were because I was so ready to live a real life with real friends because I’ve only been surrounded by traiters and I’m not buying it anymore, only very strong willed people can become something better then the way they were raised up and the morals that were put in place and I haven’t really met many at all so I just am gonna take the easy route this time and gonna stay away off in my own lane.

I shoulda done it way earlier, coulda learned from j cole 3 times and fuck the peace sign.

I just wanted some friends cause there was no family for me at home regardless of what I did.

Never good enough , got what a thought was a dream girlfriend who was my ride or die for 5 years but did things out of spite to me like hookup with my friends I called brothers literally. I don’t think I ever loved her truthfully she was just really pretty and chill kinda just rode with the good but didn’t have too much of a plan or dreams like I did and that is another sign I should of taken more serious, because one thing I’ve learned is no one ever grows from the way they came so don’t wait for someone to go back to the way they were because it’ll never happen everything In this world is either evolving up or there are things diminishing down if someone has changed the chances of fully restoring them after life experience it’s a absolute 0% unless you have a memory eraser device but even then if there’s a change there’s no way we can go to exactly exactly the way it was, even the world is evolving every moment, so if someone misses the “old you” that was a thought of you just a mere figment of their imagination. Its better if you move to bigger and better things and if you wish for them to be in your life don’t dwell on it too much because if they are good for you and that means they believe in the best you, they’ll take the step forward to initiate the relationship again, but if you’re doing great and they still can’t find the peace of mind to love you exactly for who you are it’s time you get what you’ve always deserved and put your focus forward or your blessing that is twice as worth the time than your backwards or you’re gonna lose them all going back down to who you evolved from!

I finally found closure when she reminded me of my dad. Not on my team and just a boring ass time anytime we’d be together she literally was just pretty and that’s all she was to me, she didn’t know how to entertain or have a relationship, there might of been some downs but if you love someone you adapt to whatever situation conflict and confession then I met this girl who interested me and I spent a lot of time with her but the fact she wasn’t willing to put her pride aside fucked with the relationship, I was used in ways by her and she was caught up in another guy when I confessed that I was really really into her but the sad thing is she just didn’t respect her self enough, and I was on and off with her for a while and she fucked with my heart because it was my first try at something real after a while of being scared of commitment and being totally played by the long term ex, then one night the newer girls friend maya decided to link me with her friend in Denver so we could go to her boyfriends work and we pulled up at her house in bfe Denver to me at the time

And it’s hard to remember all the full details of the night but I remember that I was single for once in my life like actually single and committed to being that

but then I met her…

right now because mine read those words only to her and it feels as if these eyes were made for the sole purpose of .

[angelstalkshit]

this relationship has so much value, with countless lessons and experiences i'll never forget.. though it is certainly missing an element i truly love. emotional passion? not sure what to name it, but i'm %99.99 my partner has never felt butterflies because of me, or that heart-racing feeling or just even that feeling where you spend all day thinking about the other person cuz u cant help it? like maybe the last one a little bit during the very beginning because it was a new and kinda weird thing. but i NEVER knew he even had more-than-friend feelings for me b4 we fucked for the first time lmao (bad boundaries on my end truly, i didnt know how to say no otherwise we wouldve stayed friends until further notice).... he's just rly bad at showing feelings andd, doesn't have a whole lot of them for being in relationships i suppose... idk, sometimes i think he can, just not for this particular relationship.. though that may also be my own paranoid mind speaking from trauma.

there's no doubt we love and care about each other but... love is not a stand alone reason to stay in a relationship/dynamic. i wonder how much things will change once we move out by ourselves, away from each other even more.

[wizard-in-olympus]

1 - 102 and if you answer them all i'll do the same.. thats the deal

its a deal then

this is gonna be long

                                                         1. Think of the last person who said I love     you, do you think they meant it?                                    

it was mydad so, yeah                           

2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age     you are now?

        im 18, so obviously i would

3. When’s the last time you were aggravated     and happy at the same time?

when i left college, 5 months ago. i’ll be back next semester

4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?

i’ve done it, what’s the big deal?

5. Is there someone mad because you’re     dating/talking to the person you are?

i dont think she knows and i dont think she’d even care

6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of     someone today? 

yeah andit was awful

 7. What exactly are you wearing right     now?

i’ve heard that line right there too many times, you sound like a 15 yearold trying to get nudes. anyways, im wearing blue pjs

8. How often do you listen to music?

on long rides, while studying, while doing chores, while reading, whilewasting my time on social media. so, most of the time i guess

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more? 

jeans

10. Do you think your life will change     dramatically before 2015?                   

ok its 2017 already but im gonna change it to “...change dramaticallybefore 2018?″. not so much, it has changed a lot in a year already

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?

social

12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name     begins with the letter ‘A’?

yes, my guy best friend, we were both drunk, shit happens. it kind ofbrought us together as friends hahaha

13. What about ‘R’?

no

14. Can you drive a stick shift? 

thats the only type of vehicle i drive

15. Do you care if people talk badly about     you?

i’d like to say no but yeah, i do. it depends on what people tho

16. Are you going out of town soon?

probably tomorrow. i go “out of town” a lot

17. When was the last time you cried?

i dont remember. about two months ago i think

18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?

yeah.huge mistake

19. If you could change your eye color, would     you?

maybe i’d change my eyes from hazel to a deeper green

20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely     everything for?

i thinkso

21. Name something you dislike about the day     you’re having.

i haven’t finished the essay i was gonna present today, now i’ll have topresent it tomorrow                                                      

22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your     forehead?

i loveit, yesss

23. Are you dating the last person you talked     to?

no

24. What are you sitting on right now?

my couch

25. Does anyone regularly (other than family)     tell you they love you?

my bestfriend

26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t     have?

i do

27. Who was the last person you talked to     before you went to bed last night?

mybrother

28. Do you get a lot of colds?

no, i get colds once a year, twice a year tops

  29. Where is the shirt you are wearing     from?

idk, idc

 30. Does anyone hate     you?

i thinkso. im sorry

31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles     hidden somewhere in your room?

no, im asocial drinker

32. Do you like watching scary movies?

hate them

33. Do you want your tongue pierced?

hell no

34. If you had to delete one year of your life     completely, which would it be?

either 2014 or 2015. big parts of 2016 too... maybe a little bit of thisone but its been the best year i’ve ever lived since 2013.

35. Did you have a dream last night?

yeah, the seniors in my old high school were 10x better than last yearseniors -when i was a senior- and teachers loved them (teachers hated mygeneration) and they all graduated from IB and had their diplomas linned up inthe hall (i didnt graduated from IB or get the diploma and everyone hated me bci was the only student in my generation that failed and so no one could say“gen16 was a 100% IB generation! the first one in this high school!” bc of me)

36. When was the last time you told someone     you loved them?

a coupleof weeks ago

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

i hopenot

38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

a couple of people, tiny andd small feelings but i now they do

39. Do you think someone is thinking about you     right now?

maybe wondering what happened to me, yeah. but probably no one is

40. Did you have a good day yesterday?

yes, areally good one

41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a     relationship?

not a serious one but yeah

42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out     with a girl?

yeah, lots of girls. but im a girl and i like boys so who cares if ihang out with a girl

43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to     ever lose you?

yes and lots of times and they did lose me. i just couldn’t handle themany longer, my patience couldn’t take it anymore, it had been YEARS of dealingwith the same shit and enough was enough. but i couldn’t break theirheart so i just told them i had changed and left. that probably makes me anasshole but idc

44. What’s the best part about school?

meeting new people all the time, learning new amazing things and gettingto test them and the late night bar celebrations when we nailed a test

45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?

of course, why wouldn’t i?

46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in     school?

i used to do that in 7th grade, not anymore

47. Do you replay things that have happened in     your head?

yes i wish i could change so many things, so many situations in which idid the wrong thing

48. Were you single over the last summer?

oh yeah and i had never been so happy of being single

49. Is your life anything like it was two     years ago?

just a little bit but it has changed A LOT and im grateful for it

50. What are you supposed to be doing right     now?

finishingmy essay...

51. Do you hate the last guy you had a     conversation with?

im hating him rn but most of the time i love that guy. stupid guys

52. Are you nice to everyone?

most people. im not nice to one single person but im nice to the rest ofthe human population. fuck that bitch tho

53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t     expect to?

i’ve only liked people i didn’t expect to. except one guy probably.

54. Do you think you can last in a     relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

i’ve never cheated, i think i can last a lifetime without cheating.cheating is a horrible thing to do, i don’t wish it on anybody

 55. Are you good at hiding your     feelings?

i used to be very good, lately i suck at it but idc anymore, its ok

56. Do you think you like someone?

kind of

57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts     with a ‘J’?

yes and i would do it again

58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or     boys?

girls are sketchy, boys are chill. i get along better with guys but theyare also clueless idiots so... some guys

59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you     cry?

yes

60. Do you hate anyone?

no

61. How’s your heart?

confused but healthy and happy like it hasn’t been in years

62. Is there something that happened in your past     that you hate talking about?

plenty ofthings

63. Have you ever cried over a guy?

no and i dont plan on ever doing it

64. Who is probably talking a load of crap     about you right now?

the same boring bitches that always have, “”friends”“ and also their stupidparents that care too much about what i do with my life. fuck off

65. Are your toenails painted pink?

no

66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?

i really hope not, not again

67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry;     correct?

no, i hate sensitive, dramatic people. if he cries for a good reasonthen ok but i wouldn’t love it, i’d be sad for him too

68. Have your pants ever fallen down in     public?

no

69. Who was the last person you were on the     phone with?

my bestfriend from Peru

70. How do you look right now?

ok, butmessy

71. Do you have someone you can be your     complete self around?

plenty of people (family and friends), im an open book                 

72. Can you commit to one person?

yes, but it looks like however made this questions cant

73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex     you can tell everything to?

thought i did, turns out i dont

74. Have you ever felt replaced?

yes, a couple of times. always by friends tho

75. Did you wake up cranky?

not today, i had an amazing night of sleep

76. Are you a jealous person?

no

77. Are relationships ever worth it?

yes yes yes, SO WORTH IT. you just have to find the right person

78. Anyone you’re giving up on?

not rn

79. Currently wanting to see anyone?

more like craving to see him. fuck my life

80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?

turn in this stupid essay i’ve mentioned twice already

81. Last person you cried in front of?

bestfriend

82. Is there someone you will never forget?

yeah

83. Do you think the person you have feelings     for is protective of you?

a littlebit

84. If the person you wish to be with were     with you, what would you be doing right now?

probably taking a walk and talking and staring at his beautiful smile

85. Are you over your past?

most of it. the latest “past” is still haunting me but im getting overit slowly

86. Have you ever liked one of your best     friends of the opposite sex?

not morethan physical attraction

87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING     to?

three tofour people

88. If your first true love knocked on your     door with apology and presents, would you accept?

if i had one i could answer this. i think i kind of did and i wouldn’taccept it

89. So, the last person you kissed just     happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?

what do you want??, what is the matter with you??, what on earth are youdoing here?? FUCK OFF.

90. Have you ever liked someone who your     friends hated?

yes                                                 

91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?

no

92. Is there anyone you know with the name     Michael?

yeah

93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?

i live in Costa Rica, im latina. guys here have names like “Jose, JuanPablo, Andres, Gerardo, Alonso”, not “Matthew, James”. so of course i haven’t

94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?

no and i lived the single life at its finest

95. Were you happy with the person you liked     in March?

no

96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you     texted attractive?

he’s a fucking model for fuck’s sakes, he’s a GOD. he’s so hot. why am ifriends with him?? itcomplicates everything

97. Who do you have texts from?

my best friends, my guy friends, my family group chat, my girl friendsgroup chats, my crush

98. If the person you like says they like     someone else, what would you say?

thats great, and do you think she likes you? hey good luck! *pretends idont have feelings and keeps on being a good friends*

99. Have you ever kissed someone older than     you?

the first person i ever kissed was a year older than me

100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?

ok in my tumblr icon im with my best friend, in my whatsapp, twitter andfacebook profile pictures im alone

101. Ever kissed under     fireworks?

no

  102. Has anybody ever given you     butterflies?

no

done!  that took me like an hour damn... sorry to the people who’s dashboard i interrupted with this post

[saruskaluxury]

Hating

So , going to school for Cosmo , is intrusting . Females will tear apart girls for no reason. 

It reminds me of high school were I got made fun of my weight every single day by my class mates because I was 180 at 4′11′’ untill one day I just became drasticaly skinny and had a growth spark. How ever Im never going to forget when I got sexauly muslteted by a girl , in sophomore year of high school because slipped me some achole . That worst day of my life . Belive it or not their is girl on girl asuslt . I felt so violated that day .  

It got worse people start to make fun of me ever since that day. It was the talk of town for about two months. I didnt feel like showing up to school my friends turned on me and thought I was lieing hacked my social media accounts  spread discusing rummors threw my social media page. Because of one person my reputation was ruin in my home town . Most of the people who put me threw hell , prob dont rember ended up in a sucied .Because their is nothing better to do then just drugs. 

No mater were you go their is always going to be that one person who hates on you for no reason reather if its a person  if its in state or out of state . Your always going to find that one person whom just hates you . 

I still have emotional scaring till this day on how people treated me so terble in my home town .  The funy fact is that I’ve recently hooked up with  some who called me ugly andd made my life terble . He “claimed” That it was because I was beautiful and he had no way on earth how to tell me . I still dont trust him . 

Prob never will because hes trying to become famous like most of my ex’s are. 

People are also going to hate if your fornjer which is also hard to relate because half yall are minorenty . Im not talking about skin race because their is no  minorenety know it is just people are AMERICAN .  

People are also going to hate if you go to school and work full time to  achive a half asss desisnt job to achive something. 

Regaudless people are just going to hate for no reason . No body understand what is this logic for . I’ve never walked in to my school before were people are just 100% fake as fuck or just use people. 

Seriously I’ve never gone to place or study at some were, if you do something rong they yail at you and dont help you out. I just dont understand how a teacher can go to a student “ we have to make her cry”  Honestly my school , that I chose is  the worse. But if i didnt love making people feel happy I would not be their.

LIKE HONESTLY I FEEL PEOPLE ARE JUST OUT TO GET ME FOR NO REASON AND I’VE DONE NOTHING WRONG. 

Morel of  the story , you came in with no hand in that place  you dont need hand with out it.