#And then you have the probably is 90% alchol but it works for him

[kacievvbbbb]

I don't know there's a lot of alcoholics in One Piece as to be expected pirates and all.

But something about Shanks and Rayleigh's drinking feels a little more like drinking to forget than your more run of the mill pirate alcoholism. It just feels like Something that the people that love them maybe worry about a little too much for it to be fun.

[fanfreakinfiction]

Listen to the Music

Chapter One: Should've Been a Cowboy

Masterlist 🖤

7.3K Words // Joel Miller x f!southern Reader

Pairing: Joel Miller x younger/southern!reader (Could be video game Joel or HBO Joel. I like the 2003 timeline though, so we’ll just pretend the 2003 timeline is canon for both.) 

Chapters: 

One - Should’ve Been a Cowboy 

Summary: Jackson gets a jukebox which mean’s Joel has to install it! Annoying for him, but exciting for one certain someone who loves music. 

Tags: Multipart, SUPER slowburn, eventual smut, FLUFF, age difference, M/F, canon type violence, drinking, smoking, alchol, reader gives off innocent vibes but isn’t, Joel is grumpy, reader is southern, corny ass music transitions bc i love it, slight mention of religion (reader is from the bible belt), some mentions of smut.

A/N: Set in Jackson - probably a little out of canon but just rollll wit it. This is also a split POV! Also if you love 90s country music you will like this. I made a Tipsy Bison Playlist for you guys to check out where none of the music was made past 2003. 

Jackson was buzzing, quite literally. Every corner you turned, someone was eager to share the latest news.

"Y/n! Did you hear? Jesse and Astrid brought back that jukebox from the ski lodge! They’re gonna fix it up and put it in the Tipsy Bison!" Olivia shouted breathlessly from the stables' entrance, her jet-black hair falling in disarray around her face.

"Hell 'liv, you ran all the way here to tell me that?" You chuckled, taking a break from shoveling muck in the stables. Your Southern drawl emerged breathy and unusual from not conversing with anyone for the past hour. Wiping your forehead with the back of your hand, you greeted the teenage girl with a warm smile as she rushed to embrace you.

"Well, yeah! Mom said you liked music! Told me to come tell you! Said to meet her and Ginger there at 7:00 sharp!" Olivia exclaimed with contagious excitement.

You laughed, returning the embrace and appreciating the bond you'd formed with the young girl over the years.

The first friend you'd made upon arriving in Jackson was Caroline, a slender woman with blonde hair and blue eyes, and a mouth that matched yours. Hugging her hip was a young girl, Olivia, with jet-black hair and the same blue eyes. At the time, Olivia couldn't have been more than seven. In the four years since, Caroline had become like a sister to you, and Olivia like a niece. It was bittersweet watching her grow up, but you’d protect that little girl with your life.

"Well, your momma is right about that," you said, tucking a strand of hair behind Olivia's ear. "And I hate to tell ya, darlin', but Ellie beat you to it. I heard about the jukebox from her this morning." You turned Olivia towards Ellie, who was busy in the back of the stables, hunched over a worktable, oiling an old saddle Mike had found during a recent patrol.

"Ellie’s here?!" Olivia squealed, running off to join Ellie at the back of the stable.

Shaking your head with a laugh, you turned back to your work, the girls' excited chatter filling the stables.

As 6 pm approached, Ellie abandoned the saddle for a conversation with Olivia. Although it irritated you slightly, it also warmed your heart to see Olivia making friends her age. In this post-apocalyptic world, friends were a rare commodity, especially outside of safe havens like Jackson.

You were only five years old when outbreak day happened. Your parents were at work, and you were at daycare. You vaguely recalled your daycare teacher trying to stay calm, but panic eventually overtook her as she locked all the children in the bathroom. Your grandparents, miraculously, arrived to rescue you. Your grandfather, a Vietnam Vet who’d served two tours before leaving the military, was also a grizzled cowboy. He owned a ranch where he boarded and broke horses.

The most vivid memory you had of outbreak day was your grandfather bursting into the daycare with a .308 Winchester in hand, calling for you frantically. You recalled him nearly pulling your arms out as he scooped you up, then handing you over to your crying grandmother. Your grandfather reprimanded the daycare teacher sternly, instructing her to get the kids to a military outpost at the airport and then evacuate Tulsa. The exact words had faded from your memory.

You remembered the scent of your grandmother's perfume as you clung to her while she carried you out of the daycare. Fighter jets roared overhead, and you covered your ears as your grandmother hurried to their old Jeep. Your grandfather opened the passenger door for your grandmother, and she kissed your head. During the two-hour drive from Tulsa, Oklahoma, to his ranch, your grandmother had you play a game called "Keep Your Eyes On Jesus," where you'd focus on the silver cross necklace she always wore. That day marked the end of your life in the city and your chances of making friends. Your childhood died on the daycare bathroom floor.

"Helloooo, earth to Miss Y/l/n?!" Ellie's voice suddenly snapped you out of your thoughts as you continued to organize bridles, leads, and cinches.

You turned abruptly. "Hmm?" was all you managed as you met Ellie's gaze.

Ellie pointed to her empty wrist, giving you a knowing look. “It’s 6:20,” she said, her tone almost teasing.

"Shit," you murmured, quickly shoving tack items back into makeshift storage bins. Ellie laughed as she headed out of the stables with Olivia in tow.

---

Joel was exhausted, bone-deep tired. His knees ached, his back throbbed, and a relentless headache pounded behind his eyes. All this fuss over a damn jukebox.

Now, don't get him wrong; Joel loved music as much as the next person, and he understood why the whole town was buzzing with excitement. But he felt like people were acting as if they'd found a cure for the infection, not an old jukebox.

And yet, there he was, in the Tipsy Bison, helping to secure the wiring for the ancient contraption. A small crowd of men gathered around, drinks in hand, watching him work. Not a single one offered to help, and Joel knew why, but it still irked him to have the entire town gawking at him.

"You got time for leanin', you got time for cleanin'," Joel's dad used to say when he and Tommy were watching him work.

"Will it work?" Seth's voice interrupted his thoughts from over the bar.

Joel responded with a grunt as he connected two wires, causing the jukebox to spring to life. The bar fell silent, and Joel felt a wave of annoyance—or perhaps embarrassment—wash over him as he sensed everyone's eyes on him.

Slowly, he stood up from his crouched position on the dusty floor, his knees cracking in protest. He examined the jukebox, its lights aglow with a soft, white hue. However, the interior glass was so filthy that the song list was barely readable. His gaze fell on a doorbell wired to the coin slot. Joel pressed it once, his eyes scanning the various lettered and numbered buttons.

"S2," he mumbled to himself, thinking of Sarah as he hovered over the letter. With all eyes in the room on the back of his head, he slowly pressed the buttons into the old metal board of the machine, each button emitting a satisfying 'click.'

Silence enveloped the room, followed by a whirring sound.

Please don't make me look like a fool in front of the whole town, Joel silently pleaded, not caring to whom he addressed his thoughts—God, Satan, or Buddha.

Another click, more whirring, and then the old jukebox started singing like a canary.

"I'm in a hurry to get things done 

Oh, I rush and rush until life's no fun 

All I really gotta do is live and die 

Even I'm in a hurry and don't know why…"

The room erupted into cheers and hollers as the song "I'm in a Hurry" by Alabama filled the space. Joel released a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. A hand clapped his shoulder, followed by another pat on his bicep, as various townsfolk expressed their gratitude. He grunted in response, uncomfortable with the attention. He couldn't help but think he preferred it when the town treated him like some cryptid.

"Joel... drinks are on the house tonight. I think this'll be the busiest night since we found that Bud Light truck," Seth said, crossing his arms and standing next to Joel to admire his work. Joel shifted uncomfortably but nodded his thanks to the man.

"So, uh, how does it work with no coins, I mean?" Seth asked, looking at the old doorbell attached to the wiring coming from the coin slot.

Joel let out a soft huff. "That there is the 'coin,' per se. Push it however many times for however many songs, but… I'd maybe limit people to three," he quipped, attempting dry humor.

Seth smiled crookedly. "Yeah, I'd hate to hear the same shit twenty times in one day."

Joel sighed. "Yeah, let me see what I can do about the glass, and it'll be nearly new."

With that, Joel carefully worked the glass out of the jukebox, his eyes widening slightly as he pulled back the grimy cover. He didn't know what he had expected, but this jukebox seemed like a unicorn. As he pulled back the filthy glass, a list of songs greeted him—mostly country music, some '80s hits, and a few oldies like Frank Sinatra. Seth whistled softly behind Joel's right shoulder as the music filled the cozy bar.

"Can't be late, I leave in plenty of time 

Shakin' hands with the clock 

I can't stop 

I'm on a roll, and I'm ready to rock…"

———

The snow crunches beneath your boots as you speed walk through the snow towards your tiny cottage on the outskirts of Jackson. It was a modest two-bedroom, one-bathroom house, but it had a porch with a breathtaking view of the mountains. The unusual emptiness of the streets at this hour suggested that most of the town's residents were either at the Community Kitchen or the Tipsy Bison.

Almost slipping on your porch steps, you chuckled to yourself, attributing it to the icy snow. Unlocking your front door, you immediately shed layers of clothing in a trail leading to the bathroom. Excitement pulsed through you as you started the shower, envisioning the possibilities that the jukebox might hold. Maybe it would play Johnny Cash or some new Alan Jackson track you hadn't heard before. Alan Jackson held a special place in your heart.

Thoughts raced as you hurried through your shower, eager to join the buzz of the town. Drying your hair hastily, you searched for your special occasion jeans. They were a pair of dark-washed Levi's, the kind you'd nearly sold your soul for at one of the general stores. They hugged you perfectly in all the right places and, most importantly, were clean—devoid of stains or blood.

Pulling them up over your hips and buttoning them up, you checked yourself out in the mirror. A dark red sweater with a v-neck and your patrol boots completed the look. You adjusted the silver cross necklace around your neck, a memento from your grandmother, and heard her voice echo in your mind.

"Just keep your eyes on Jesus, baby… we're almost to the ranch."

Breaking your reverie, you felt ready to head out for drinks and music. Slipping into your coat, you ventured out into the sunset-lit, snow-covered streets of Jackson. The Tipsy Bison came into view after a short walk, and your excitement threatened to burst from you. The line outside the bar, however, crushed your spirits.

"No way..." you muttered, coming to a halt. The entire town seemed to be here. You watched from a distance, scanning the crowd until your eyes landed on a blonde-haired woman nearing the front of the line. She turned and made eye contact, flashing a wild smile as she waved you over.

There was a hint of apologetic awkwardness as you joined your friend. Some people in line shot you dirty looks for cutting, but it’s not like the bar’s gonna grow legs and walk away. 

"About TIME!" Caroline exclaimed, enveloping you in a warm embrace as you met her outside the bar. "Ginger's already inside; she got us a spot at the bar!" Her excitement was contagious.

"Sorry! I had to go home and change. I didn't wanna come out smellin’ like a horse," you apologized, returning the hug.

"Oh honey, a shower doesn’t change that," she teased, playfully elbowing you.

"Caroline!" You gasped, feigning offense, and lightly elbowed her in return.

Curious, you peered into the bar, attempting to glimpse over the tall men in front of you. Music wafted out, and you heard the buzz of chatter as people walked in and out.

“It’s a shit ton of Country music," you overheard someone say as they walked away, "Well, what’d you expect from a ski lodge in Wyoming in 2003?” came the retort. Caroline shot you a knowing look, and you suppressed a smile.

The line gradually moved forward, and you stepped into the warm atmosphere. Caroline hung up her coat, and you couldn't help but shoot her an envious glance at her overly dressy top – a pink silk halter tied tank top that accentuated her figure beautifully.

“The hell’d you find that?!” You asked, a mix of curiosity and a hint of jealousy in your voice. It made her cleavage stand out, and it seemed perfectly timed as an unfamiliar song started playing from the jukebox, capturing everyone's attention.

“Her hair was Harlow gold 

Her lips a sweet surprise 

Her hands were never cold 

She had Bette Davis eyes…”

Being on your own for so long after your grandparents had passed had made you lose a sense of pride in your appearance. But being in Jackson, surrounded by other women again, ignited that desire to care once more. Caroline had been instrumental in helping you rediscover your femininity, teaching you how to braid your hair and transform dull button-ups into something more womanly. Caroline had been a high school senior when the outbreak happened, with a life and dreams you couldn't relate to. She aimed for Harvard, wanting to be like Elle Woods from a movie called "Legally Blonde." Those aspirations had seemed foreign, considering your upbringing on the Ranch, where your grandfather taught you to care for animals, garden, hunt, fish, and, of course, how to shoot – and shoot well. 

Caroline was the first person to make you question your beauty, to make something seemingly frivolous in the apocalypse feel essential.

"I believe that caring for myself isn’t self-indulgent, but rather an act of survival," Caroline had told you when you questioned the worth of bartering for old Avon makeup from the general store.

Caroline took your hand, pulling you toward where Ginger had miraculously saved some standing room at the bar. You hardly noticed as your gaze fixated on the Jukebox, where a line of people awaited their turn to pick a song. Your heart sank a little; you didn't think Caroline or Ginger had the patience to wait for you to choose a song.

Stepping up to the worn wooden bar, you were greeted by Seth's crooked smile. "Be back with ya in a minute, ladies," he said, his old hands moving as fast as they could to serve the bustling crowd.

"Bout time!" Ginger exclaimed as you turned to her. "I didn't think Seth'd let me save space any longer," she added with a laugh, her eyes scanning your and Caroline's outfits with admiration. "Damn girl! What'd you have to sell for those?!" She playfully ran her hand over the material of your jeans.

You rolled your eyes dramatically. "Oh, you have NO idea!" you began, but before you could continue, Seth returned.

"Two whiskeys, please," Caroline ordered for both of you, prompting you to resume your story. "You wouldn't believe it, okay..."

"Here we go..." Caroline rolled her eyes, and you playfully nudged her. Ginger hadn't heard this story before, and you were eager to share.

"I was rummaging through a house right after I'd left the ranch, and I found a Walkman! Battery-operated and a whole box of cassettes," you explained as Seth brought the whiskey back. Ginger listened intently as you continued. "I picked up some of the names I recognized from the pile. I ended up with like 10 tapes and a whole pile of batteries!" You took a swig and leaned on the bar top, facing Ginger, while Caroline leaned on your shoulder, clearly having heard this story many times before.

"Who were the tapes of?" Ginger asked, taking a swig of her dwindling beer.

"So I had an Alan Jackson cassette, I had a Shania Twain cassette, hmm oh! Johnny Cash's greatest hits, which were technically four tapes, one Journey cassette, George Strait, and then I even found a Marty Robbins tape!" You listed the tapes off, trying to recall them all.

"Sooo? What's this got to do with those Levi's?!" Ginger asked, laughing.

"Well, damn, hold on, sister, I'm tryna set the story up!" you retorted with a laugh.

"Anyways," you continued, "one day I'm navigating some thick woods. My headphones are around my neck, and I still have the music goin'. Well, I clipped the Walkman to the hip of my pants, and this fuckin' infected came outta nowhere!" You gestured dramatically with your hands. "This thing fuckin' leaps on me and pushes me up against a tree—"

"—crushes the Walkman!" You and Caroline said in unison, and all three of you burst into laughter, drawing the attention of others in the bar.

Tears welled in your eyes from laughing as you recounted the memory. "I'd never been so fucking mad in my life!" you recalled, trying to catch your breath. "I also haven't cried as hard since the day I lost that thing," you said dramatically as you took a drink. "Almost wish it'd bitten me instead of killin' my fuckin' Walkman," you added bitterly.

"Well, what did you do to it?" Ginger asked curiously.

"The infected? Oh. I fuckin' stomped that thing's head in," you deadpanned, throwing Ginger and Caroline into another fit of laughter. "Like... a lot," you repeated, deadpan again as you took another drink. "Fuckin' thing destroyed my Alan Jackson tape...anyways, I held onto the tapes, maybe out of bitterness. But once I got to Jackson, I traded the tapes for the jeans." Ginger made an "Oooh" sound, nodding as if she now completely understood.

Caroline tapped you on the shoulder, about to say something, when the sound of a very familiar song filled your ears, and you had to bite back the squeal that threatened to escape.

"It's Alan Jackson," you said, your eyes gleaming with a serious excitement that caught Ginger's attention.

"Come on," you said, pulling Caroline with you onto an opening in the bar floor as the chorus hit. You pulled her into a two-step, a dance you had seen your grandparents do every year on their anniversary.

"I should've been a cowboy 

I should've learned to rope and ride 

Wearin' my six-shooter, 

ridin' my pony on a cattle drive 

Stealin' the young girls' hearts 

Just like Gene and Roy 

Singin' those campfire songs

 Woah, I should've been a cowboy…"

You sang unabashedly, as if you, Caroline, and Alan Jackson were the only ones in the bar. Your head threw back in laughter after Caroline begrudgingly tried to match your steps. After a moment, you were so engrossed in your dance that you didn't even realize other people had joined in, dancing to the music. Ginger laughed from her spot at the bar as she watched your and Caroline's forgotten whiskeys.

———

Seth had been right. This was the busiest Joel had ever seen the Tipsy Bison. Brooding in the corner of the bar, tucked into a dimly lit table, Joel sat, nursing his fourth glass of free whiskey.

Shit. If Seth was offering, he wasn't gonna say no to free drinks.

Joel's tired eyes scanned the room as he tried to determine who he recognized and who he didn't. His gaze landed on a particularly familiar set of eyes. Tommy.

He watched as Tommy approached the secluded table, offering a crooked smile to the man.

"Big bad Joel fixed the jukebox?" Tommy teased as he sat down across from Joel.

"Did it for the free drinks," Joel retorted, attempting to deflect the sudden unwanted attention, his face flushing as he averted his brother's gaze.

"Well… you may have just earned some points with Maria," Tommy said with a genuine smile.

Joel smirked back. "Guess something good did come from this after all." He could feel the whiskey settling deep in his chest as he spoke to his brother.

Tommy glanced around at the crowd, but a roar of laughter snapped both of their heads toward the bar. Three women stood a few feet away, listening to one woman tell a story.

Joel narrowed his tired eyes. He didn't recognize the woman engrossed in her story. However, he did recognize the blonde with the revealing pink blouse. She scanned the patrons of the bar like a hawk, looking for her next prey and obviously uninterested in her friend's story.

The woman had approached Joel two days after he arrived with Ellie, asking to bum a cigarette and then bombarding him with a thousand questions as she batted her eyelashes at him. Her name was something like Karen, he couldn't quite recall. But when another bout of laughter reached his ears, his gaze locked onto your form, now less hidden behind the woman with her back to him.

He watched almost mesmerized as you laughed and smiled. Pretty, was the only thing his brain could manage. Suddenly, your face became very serious as you said something that made the two girls howl in laughter.

Tommy cleared his throat after an awkward silence, and Joel realized he had been completely caught staring at you. Their eyes met, and his little brother looked like he was about to say something smart, but Alan Jackson's music broke Tommy's focus.

"Holy shit! I forgot this song existed!" Tommy exclaimed with a nostalgic laugh.

Joel's attention was drawn back to the bar by another bout of laughter. Except, now, you had migrated to the middle of the room. Your arms were placed perfectly on the blonde chick as you began dancing. The blonde appeared obviously embarrassed by the sudden change, making a face of disdain. You laughed, the sound caressing Joel's ears, and he felt something stirring in him. Maybe it was the whiskey, but deep down, he knew it wasn't.

He and Tommy watched carefully as more patrons began to crowd the space, joining in the dance. Tommy let out a huff of laughter, his eyes now focused on the scene. As the song ended, everyone clapped, and Seth, the bartender, felt it appropriate to make an announcement.

"Everyone, thank Joel on your way out! He fixed up the jukebox," Seth declared, and a wave of applause and stares washed over Joel.

Joel could feel a flush creeping into his face at the attention. He cringed inwardly as all he could manage was a stupid smirk while looking down at his whiskey glass.

"Jukebox Joel!" someone in the crowd cheered, and Tommy choked on the beer he was drinking. Joel delivered a swift kick to Tommy's shin.

"Haha! What? Come on… it's better than Jackass Joel," Tommy laughed with a smirk as he teased Joel.

Joel actually let out a soft chuckle at that and shook his head as he looked back down at his empty glass. "Prick," Joel muttered softly as he glanced up at his little brother. "I'm gonna go get another." With a sigh, he pushed himself up from the table and made his way toward the bar to get another drink.

———

"I'm gonna go have a cigarette. Save me a spot!" Caroline swiftly moved to grab her coat, leaving you and Ginger at the bar.

Ginger looked at you. "So how's the stables?"

"Mmm, they're fine. I've recently gotten some help from this teenager, Ellie," you replied as you finished off your whiskey, paying no mind to the man who muscled in on Caroline's vacant space behind you.

"Is she a good help?" Ginger asked as she also finished off her beer.

"Depends on the day," you said with a soft laugh. "She's a great listener, just a little poor on the completion side of things. Like today, I asked her to oil this saddle Mike brought in from a patrol. Olivia stopped by to see me, and sure enough, Ellie just ended up talking with her for the last hour of the day. It's like she won't shut up. I swear, these outbreak babies are somethin' else," you added with an exasperated sigh. "She's a good kid, though. Smart as hell. I'm just mad I'll have to get up early to finish oiling the saddle before patrol." You finished with a final smile as you looked up to make eye contact with Ginger, who appeared as if she'd seen a ghost. She wasn't even looking at you but over your shoulder.

"Ginge?" you asked worriedly, placing a hand on her shoulder to shake her a bit.

"I'm gonna go grab a cigarette," she said hurriedly, shaking your hand off her as she all but ran out of the bar, leaving you standing there stunned.

In an instant, your senses tingled with the presence of an imposing, commanding figure emanating a cocoon of warmth from the shadows behind you. A shiver of anticipation raced down your spine, and a cascade of goosebumps rippled across your skin as you executed a deliberate, almost theatrical pivot to meet the piercing gaze of none other than Joel Fucking Miller.

———

If Joel had a dollar for every face he'd seen turn away from him in fear, he would've been a millionaire twelve years ago. But nothing felt as satisfying to him as watching your little friend scamper off to leave you with him.

He waited patiently for you to turn around before he spoke. His eyes drifted from the back of your head, tracing the contours of your figure, to rest on the soft curve of your ass. The sight made his breath hitch, and his gaze locked onto a familiar little red tag that stared back at him—Levi's.

Fuck  he thought to himself. Those must've cost a pretty thing like you a whole lot.

After what felt like ages, you finally turned to meet his gaze. Your soft, youthful face surprised him. You were young, younger than him, maybe even younger than Sarah would've been.

Your lips parted slightly as you gazed up at him with your fucking doe eyes. His eyes traveled south from your lips to the silver cross around your neck. He cringed internally, his gaze shifting away from your neck as he signaled to Seth at the bar.

"Mr. Miller..." Your voice fell warily from your lips, carrying a soft southern accent that caught his ear.

Joel grunted softly. "Mhmm," he replied, waiting for Seth to bring his last whiskey of the night. He had to force himself to look away from you.

"You're… Ellie's dad?" Your voice sounded sheepish, not in the usual "I'm scared of you" kind of way he was accustomed to in this town, but in a "I messed up" kind of way. He spared a glance at you, noticing how you fidgeted with your hands and struggled to make eye contact, trying to look up at him apologetically.

"Mhmm," was all Joel settled for after a long pause. Your face paled, and he had to look away to keep from laughing.

"I am so sorry, Mr. Miller!! Ellie has been a great help, and I'd love for her to st—" You sounded panicked, and he didn't like it.

"Kid's got ADHD or somethin'. Can't finish anything she starts…unless it's food or a sentence," the words flew from Joel's mouth before he could process what he had just said. Seth rounded the bar at that moment and handed Joel his whiskey.

Joel took the glass and was about to take a sip when your giggle froze him in his tracks. It wasn't a laugh or a chuckle, but a full-blown giggle.

"Haha! She is very food motivated! Sometimes I catch her going for the sugar cubes that are meant for the horses," you laughed as you spoke to him. Joel looked down at you with a crooked smirk, sipping his whiskey as he turned his attention back to his glass.

"Well… uhm, I should probably..." Your voice trailed off with a hint of uncertainty, and from his peripheral vision, Joel could make out a flush on your cheeks as you tried to awkwardly excuse yourself from his presence.

"You let me know if she gives you more trouble..." What the hell was he doing? Was he actually talking right now or was it the whiskey? Slowly, he turned to look at you, his left arm resting on the bar as he slowly set his glass down, shoving his right hand in his belt loop. You were flushed, perhaps you'd had too much to drink? Or maybe it was... nah. He looked into your eyes, his gaze searching yours for a moment before dropping to that stupid silver cross on your neck. He wanted to rip it off your neck while burying himself deep inside you. Your voice brought his attention from your neck and his thoughts to the present, where he stared into your eyes.

"Yeah… I, uh... I will." You almost sounded confused and curious. You were biting your lip, your face still flushed, your hair framing your face perfectly. He had to stop himself from grabbing you by the back of the head and forcing himself on you. "Thanks for fixin’ up the jukebox..." Long gone was the shy demeanor as your words came out like sultry silk. You stared back at him seriously, and he could tell you were being genuine. He tried to swallow the sudden dryness the whiskey had left in his mouth. His aching back and throbbing knees from fixin’ the damn thing long forgotten as he rolled your thanks around in his head.

Damn.

He grunted in response and, with a white-knuckle grip on his whiskey glass, he forced himself to walk away. He passed by you, his form squeezing around yours in the crowded bar as people danced. He forced himself to look straight ahead when your left shoulder grazed his chest as he nudged past you gently. He slinked his way back to his table in the corner, where Tommy and Maria now occupied two of the four chairs.

As soon as he approached, they eyed him and stopped talking almost immediately. Tommy spoke up first with a smirk. "So uh..."

"Shut it," Joel snapped, his words coming out harsher than he had intended, and Maria huffed.

"Be nice. You're on my good side for the night. Don't make that change before I've even had a chance to enjoy it," she glared at him. Leave it to Tommy to pick a hardass for his wife.

"She's nice, Joel, but... she's young," Maria said with a sigh.

He felt angry heat flicker in his belly, replacing the momentary desire. He glared at Maria, who stared right back at him, and he felt his jaw tighten, his teeth grinding.

"Hon, why don't we go dance... enjoy it while we can?" Tommy's voice rang out, and for once, Joel was thankful for his baby brother.

He watched carefully as Maria reluctantly agreed and let Tommy lead her away. Tommy shot Joel a knowing look as he disappeared into a sea of people. Joel settled back into his seat from before, his eyes scanning the now dancing and raucous crowd.

Unconsciously, he found himself searching for you, scanning the spot where you'd stood with your friends, but it was now occupied by some other men.

———

"What the fuck, Ginger?!" You spat harshly as you confronted the two girls who were practically shivering outside, puffing on a shared cigarette.

"What do you mean 'what the fuck'? You were runnin' your mouth about the scariest man in town's daughter!" Ginger retorted, a mischievous laugh escaping her lips. "I wasn't about to stand witness to you getting your teeth kicked in!" she added, taking another drag.

"Wait, you saw Joel Miller?!" Caroline chimed in as she put out the cigarette.

"Saw him?! She damn near insulted his daughter in front of him!" Ginger laughed, and you could feel your cheeks redden.

"I didn't know he was behind me! You could've said something! I had to apologize, standin' there like an abandoned idiot!" You playfully frogged Ginger on the arm, your accent growing thicker with anger.

"Ow!" Ginger winced as she rubbed her skinny arm through her leather coat.

"Wait, you actually talked to him?!" Caroline asked as if it were an impossible feat.

"Well, yeah. I felt kind of bad… Ellie is a good kid, she's just very talkative," you explained, crossing your arms to ward off the cold.

"And he talked back?" Caroline continued her interrogation.

"I mean if you can call a couple of pig-like grunts talking, then yeah, I guess," you replied with a shrug.

"Hmm…" Caroline offered as she gave you a once-over. "Come on, let's get back inside." She headed into the bar, with you and Ginger following behind.

The night passed fairly uneventfully, save for a few men asking for a dance. Caroline, as usual, was the star of the night, charming most of the men into buying her drinks and joining her on the dance floor. Ginger cozied up to a man you recognized from the kitchen, someone she had been with before. You were starting to feel the fatigue kick in when you realized the line for the jukebox had drastically shortened. Excitedly, you made your way to the magical machine, your eyes scanning the list of songs. You were in awe of the extensive selection: Journey, Patsy Cline – one of your grandmother's favorites, Johnny Cash, Waylon Jennings, and some you didn't recognize at all, like Linda Ronstadt, ABBA, Earth, Wind & Fire…

You didn't even notice a presence near the bar, watching as you scanned the list in awe. Your fingers guided you, pressing the doorbell button connected to the coin slot, as you had watched so many people do all night. 

Your fingers grazed over the letter "J" for Joe—Jesus. "J" for Jesus, you mentally reprimanded yourself. Then you moved to a number, "5," your age on outbreak day. You listened to the machine click and whir in amazement. Unsure of the song title or the artist, you waited to hear the first chords.

"Came in from a rainy 

Thursday on the avenue 

Thought I heard you talking softly 

I turned on the lights, the TV, and the radio 

Still, I can't escape the ghost of you..."

Leaning on the jukebox, you listened to the foreign song by a band called Duran Duran. The lyrics suddenly made you feel melancholic as you absorbed each word.

"What has happened to it all?

 Crazy, some'd say 

Where is the life that I recognize? (Gone away)"

———

Joel couldn't help himself. He wanted to blame the whiskey, but deep down, he knew he wasn't even close to drunk. From his spot at the far end of the bar, he watched as you walked up to the damn jukebox. You looked like a kid on Christmas, that twinkle in your eye, just like Sarah when he threw her a surprise birthday party with all her friends, or like Ellie at the Museum…

He watched you hesitate when it was your turn to pick a song. His eyes drifted to those Levi's, like they had been poured onto you. The way they clung to your curves made his mind wander. He imagined himself coming up behind you in his kitchen while you prepared to cook something that he had hunted. His chest tucking into the curve of your back while he pressed his hips into the curve of your ass. The thought shot an arrow of fire straight to his groin. Fortunately for him, Maria's voice echoed in his head. "She's nice, Joel... but she's young." He knew Maria wasn't bullshitting him about that. You hardly looked the same age as the women you hung around with.

His gaze shifted from the curve of your hip to the profile of your face. From this angle, he could watch your eyes scanning the song choices. He wondered what you would choose and, for a fleeting moment, told himself that if you picked a slow song, he'd have to ask you to dance. He watched your face crinkle slightly as you read through the songs, likely because you didn't recognize most of them. Sipping his whiskey, he waited to see the outcome.

He observed as your fingers grazed the buttons until making their final destination. He couldn't help but imagine what those fingertips would feel like grazing his body in the same tender way. Your smile lit up when the jukebox whirred to life, and he released a breath he hadn't even realized he was holding when the song "Ordinary World" by Duran Duran began playing. It was an odd choice, he thought to himself.

The semi-familiar song filled the now-dwindling bar. Couples still danced, others nursed their beers, and some chatted. His eyes remained locked on your face as you listened intently. He could tell you had chosen the song on a whim, not knowing it. He sat and watched as the once-childlike wonder on your face slowly dissolved into a heartbreaking frown, one that he had seen a hundred times before on different women's faces.

Heat rose on his cheeks as he watched the blonde from earlier drunkenly sling her arm over your shoulder. Suddenly, he felt like a creep for watching you for so long. He turned his gaze back to his now-empty glass as Seth came over to offer him another. Politely declining, Joel stood up slowly, adjusted his coat, and, feeling a pang of regret, he slipped out the side door of the bar.

"But I won't cry for yesterday

There's an ordinary world

Somehow I have to find

And as I try to make my way

To the ordinary world

I will learn to survive"

———

"Come on, kiddo… time for you to walk me home," Caroline hummed in your ear, her arm slung around you. Her alcohol-laden breath pulled you out of your self-wallowing music session. You slid your left arm around her waist, providing some balance as she leaned her head on your shoulder.

"My dad loved Duran Duran…" Caroline slurred into your neck, and a shiver ran down your spine. She had only mentioned her father once before, and it had been followed by a request never to bring it up again. Hastily, you changed the subject and led her to the entrance of the bar to retrieve her coat.

You grabbed her dark purple barn coat and draped it around her shoulders, making sure she was bundled up, then zipped up your own coat tightly. Caroline took your hand as you began to walk, leaning heavily on you. It had to be late because as soon as you stepped outside the Tipsy Bison, you felt your hair freeze. Both your and Caroline's breath fogged up the space in front of you as you surveyed the mostly empty streets of Jackson. Caroline's house was on the other side of town, and you mentally prepared yourself for the chilly walk ahead when Caroline made a mumbled noise into the crook of your neck.

“‘S lookin at you all night..” she murmured as you helped her navigate the snow-covered streets.

"Hmm, darlin'?" you asked, guiding her carefully.

"He was lookin' at you!" she repeated, a bit louder this time.

Confused, you adjusted your hold on her to prevent any accidental slips that could bring both of you down in the snow. "Who was lookin'?" you inquired, but she didn't reply. Suddenly, she went limp in your arms, and you let out a soft yelp at the abrupt change in weight.

"Carol?!" you called, trying to stifle a laugh as she put her full weight on you. "Shit. How much did you drink, darlin'?" you groaned, realizing that you were going to have to carry her home.

The walk across town to Caroline's house had left you wide awake. After taking her shoes off and tucking her into bed alongside a peacefully sleeping Olivia, you left the house quietly, ensuring the door was locked behind you. Stepping back out into the night, you were greeted by the sight of the quiet town, blanketed in snow with darkness settling in. A shiver ran down your spine as you took in the serene atmosphere.

You began your journey toward your own home, which lay on the opposite end of town. However, as you walked, your thoughts wandered back to the saddle that Ellie hadn't finished oiling. Despite your tiredness, you knew that if you went home now, you'd simply lay in bed tossing and turning, unable to sleep. With a sigh, you turned on your heel and headed back towards the stables, your hands shoved deep into your pockets to ward off the cold.

As the stables came into view, a sinking feeling settled in the pit of your stomach. The door was ajar, and a soft light spilled out from within. You knew you had closed up for the night, and the thought of leaving a kerosene lamp burning in a barn full of hay and the town's most prized mode of transportation was, unthinkable.

An uneasy thought crossed your mind; maybe it was Maria or Tommy, someone needing to head out for a late-night patrol. However, such occurrences were rare unless there was an emergency. With cautious steps, you entered the stables as quietly as you could, your senses on high alert.

To your chagrin, you found the horses calmly chewing on the hay you had left for them hours ago. The pit in your stomach deepened as you scanned the area, trying to discern any signs of an intruder.

"H...Hello?" you called out, your voice sounding uncharacteristically shaky even to your own ears. You couldn't help but think sarcastically, Oooh, very threatening. In that moment a thought crossed your mind that maybe Jackson was making you soft. You stood there, waiting for a reply, but there was none.

Confused and still on edge, you carefully followed the source of the soft lantern light. It led you to the back of the stables and into the tack room, your footsteps echoing softly in the enclosed space.

There, almost right where Ellie had left it, you saw the saddle that Mike had found on his patrol. However, what caught your attention in the dimly lit room was the unmistakable sheen across the leather. It gleamed in the lantern light, catching your eye immediately. It had been fully oiled, a stark contrast to the untouched condition it had been in earlier when Ellie had been working on it.

Confusion wracked your body; did Joel make Ellie come back to oil the saddle? Your fingers gingerly rubbed the leather between your fingers. No, this wasn’t Ellie’s work; this was oiled to perfection. Ellie was a good kid, hell, a great kid considering all the other children who’d grown up in this hellscape, but she oiled saddles like she was pouring syrup on pancakes. No, this had been done by someone with skill and experience.

A soft smile crossed your face as you reached for the lantern. Maybe Joel Miller wasn't the monster your friends had told you about after all. You'd have to ask Ellie in the morning. 

As you stepped out of the barn, relocking everything up for the night, you couldn’t shake the warm feeling in your gut. A feeling you hadn’t felt since you’d eaten your last meal with your grandparents... a feeling that scared you.

Unbeknownst to you, a dark figure across the street watched from the shadows, illuminated only by the orange glow of his lit cigarette as he leaned against a column under the roof of the general store. Joel took a drag from his cigarette as he watched you relock the barn for the night. He tried to tell himself the warm feeling in his chest was from the cigarette he'd been puffing on, but he knew better.

Joel took one last drag from his cigarette, flicked it to the ground, and crushed it beneath his boot before heading home, maybe something good came from that damn jukebox after all… he thought to himself as his eyes followed your form walking off into the snowy darkness of Jackson.

[tuiyla]

I honestly never got the xander hate. His bad moments was his insecure little boy moments shining through ( which made sense he was abused by his parents) compared to others crimes it was minimal. Same with them hating him during mutiny scene the guy was traumatised! He’s a normal human that Giles never bothered to train he’s not a soldier it was amazing he didn’t go insane tbh ( not downplaying others having trauma but xander was meant to be the most normal/ human one so realistically he could of gone of deep end and i think if he didn’t love the group he would of spiralled hard probably turn to alchol like his parents)

To be fair, I do think there are moments to dislike Xander for. 3x02 comes to mind, 2x22, and the general way in which he antagonized Angel purely because of Buffy's love for him and how entitled to Bufyf he acted for much of the early seasons. It's fine that he had a crush on her but Xander was SUCH a baby about it and his toxic masculinity reared its ugly head. The problem with writing realistic teen boys is that teen boys happen to be the worst, sometimes, as was Xander's attitude about Buffy some of the time. Like dude take a hint and get over it, you're not the first person in history to have an unrequited crush. Insecurity and his upbringing only works as an excuse up to a point, and I don't agree with trying to compare his actions to others' mistakes because it's not about that. Sure, there were literal demons on this show and even the good guys did messed up stuff but that shouldn't negate Xander's occasional jerkass behaviour. Especially because he represents human normality and should therefore be held to that standard, not mystical war crimes.

That said, I overall agree with you. Xander's had more redeeming moments than he did annoying or outright bad ones. To a point, I can understand where the hate against him comes from, I really can. He can be a frustrating character to try and root for and a lot of his stuff not only didn't age well but also wasn't even appropriate for an ostensibly feminist show of the late 90s. Nor do I think he always earned his role as the team's heart. But! Xander is far more layered than his worst moments and even I, infamous Finn Hudson hater think we should cut him some slack and not be too harsh on the ch for the sake of it. I really do feel like a lot of the Xander hate is for the sake of it and actively trying to not like the guy and I don't agree with that kind of hive mentality of collectively hating on him. And even if you can't bring yourself to like him, which, fairs, he's still an integral part of the series and ignoring him altogether is cutting the metaphorical heart out of your equation.

I think blaming him, of all people, during the mutiny scene is 100% unwarranted. There were plenty of times when he was way harsh on Buffy or didn't take her side when he should have but in this case I completely understood him taking a step back and not defending her. Xander roused the Potentials into following Buffy into that vineyard and he lost an eye for it. Even the trauma of it aside, he had logical reasons to doubt her.

I do feel like it sucks that Giles treated him as a joke, too, but that's a rabbit hole of its own. Again I don't think Xander always earned his title as the heart and the normal everyday guy but, particularly in the later seasons, he tries his best and is there when people need him. His feelings of insecurity are understandable and, as shitty as it was how he went about it, even his decision to call off the wedding came from an understandable place. I think it shows that he was essentially the token guy in a room full of empowered women on a show that was, crucially, largely written and run by men, so he defaults into toxicity on occasion. I dislike his entitlement to Buffy and making the group's decisions and I simply dislike the more stereotypically teenage boy things like constantly sexualizing women around him. But Xander is far from being all bad and he doesn't suck nearly as bad as people warned me he would. Some of the criticism is warranted but he seems overhated for the sake of it to me and, though I myself struggle with him, I think to ignore him and his validity in analysis is to fundamentally misinterpret BtVS as a whole.

[kyliafanfiction]

Take Your Favorite (Het) Ship and Make Them Lesbians

So, the other day, I read a Rule 63!Zuko/Katara fic that had the tag “take your favorite ship then make them lesbians” (which somehow was a tag no one else had tagged their fic as, which is a real travesty), and that got me thinking. (The fic, for reference and Science Purposes)

(Rule 63, for those not familiar with the term, is a meme that says  "for every given male character, there is a female version of that character and vice versa”. In a fanfic context, Rule 63 is usually another term for ‘cisswap’/Always a girl Aus, i.e. a story where a character who is one character in canon, was born a different one in the AU. These are not the same as trans fic, though sometimes the lines can blur. The various ‘the Girl Who Lived’ fics that exist out there for Fem!Harry, for instance)

That tag is itself really interesting, and it got me thinking. Because there are het ships of mine that I would totally want to see a Rule 63 lesbian version of (i.e. where the guy was always a girl) but there are also ones that I... just wouldn’t.

So I suppose the question is: What het ships do you guys have that you still would find as interesting, and would want to see in a fic (or even consider writing in a fic) if the male character was Rule 63′d? And why?

For me, the top of the list would probably be Dramione (Harry Potter). One, because on a purely shallow level I have to imagine that femaleDraco would be very pretty (:rofl:) but also because there would be some interesting differences in the way Dacia Malfoy (placeholder name) would behave, compared to Draco. Both vis-a-vis Harry, but also Hermione. Plus, Dacia would be less the ‘bad boy’ and more likely the ‘Alpha Bitch’, which is a somewhat different set of tropes, to say the least. Would Dacia have reached out to Harry in the same way, in first year? Maybe, maybe not. Would she still have had Crabbe and Goyle as her goons, or instead say, Pansy and Millicent Bullstrode? A lot of this would also depend on how you see the gender politics among purebloods in the wizarding world (are sons more favored, or no? Are the genders equal? Are there certain expectations about women and their behavior? etc)

My second choice would be Xander/Cordelia, from BtVS. For one, it would be interesting because we could drill down into Xander’s canon behavior and try to separate what is just Xander being Xander, what is a product of his upbringing, and what is a result of him struggling with performing ideas of toxic masculinity because he believes he’s supposed to (related to the second point). If in a fic, Xandra (placeholder name) still has the same apparently shitty parents, how would it look? We can surmise that Mr. Harris presumably berated Xander about how he’d never be a real man a lot, though I can’t recall if the dream version of him does so in “Restless”. But we also know that Xander fears turning into his dad, a lot. Xendra might fear becoming an alcholic like her dad, but she may more likely fear ending up becoming like her mom - letting herself be abused rather than being the abuser, etc. It would also be interesting because, given how things were in 1997/1998, Cordelia realizing she’s gay/bi (or at least being out even to one person) would be a different dynamic. Especially if she and Xendra get caught at the same time. Or maybe Cordelia is more careful, and Xendra is more willing to be the dirty little secret she makes out with in closets? If caught, would Cordelia ever be willing to commit the possibly even greater social suicide of openly dating a girl in a late 90s High School? Or could she pull it off because she’s just that much Queen of the School? How does Willow’s crush on Xander work in an AU where she’s Xendra? If willow’s crush was about it being on a ‘safe’ and ‘unattainable’ boy (a common experience I’ve seen many cis lesbians talking about with regards to when they were younger and still thought or still tried to convince themselves they were straight), then presumably she wouldn’t have crushed on Xendra? Might she have crushed on Jesse? (or does Xendra end up being how Willow realizes she’s gay sooner?) Would Xendra have crushed on Jesse? Is Xendra gay or bi in this AU? Does she still crush on Buffy? If so, does she handle rejection or the prospect thereof better because she assumes Buffy is straight? Does she even try to ask her out?  I mean, there are others I’d read a Rule 63! Lesbian AU for, or even have, when they exist, but I have to admit I don’t find the potential dynamics inherent to be quite as interesting. And yeah, there are some het ships I ship that I just... wouldn’t find quite as interesting if they were lesbians, or just can’t see happening at all in a recognizeable way.

So I ask you tumblr - if you were to take a het ship and make them lesbians, which one(s) would you pick, and why?

[popculturebuffet]

Go Team Venture!: A Venture Bros Retrospective: Season 1

Hello all you happy people! Last year I decided to do something a little special for my birthday, deciding to review something I had a long, personal history with, loved dearly and wanted to start a full retrospective on, resulting in my Scott Pilgrim Retrospective, a long and storied look at one of my favorite comics ever. 

This year I decided to continue that tradition... albeit about two weeks late because my schedule slip got really bad combined with my life getting really busy, but the spirits’ the same. And for my 30th birthday, there was really only one option. One show that has been part of my life for over two decades, but i’ve never rewatched in full, and one that’s a true masterpiece, an adult cartoon ahead of it’s time  that much like Scott dominated my Teen Years. As you can tell by the top it’s time to Go Team Venture as I take a months long look at The Venture Bros, easily one of my faviorite cartoons of all time and what I consider to be one of the best, most influential and most funny, warts and all. 

For those less aware of the show a bit of backstory: The Venture Bros was an adult swim show that started in 2004. Masterminded by Jackson Public and Doc Hammer, a former writer and former artist for the Tick respectively (Both the 90′s cartoon and the 2000′s live action series), the show lasted for a bind bogglingly awesome 14 years, with the creators taking decent hiatueses between seasons to recharge. It was Adult Swim’s most popular show before a certain abusive alcholic took the crown, and is almost easily my faviorite, tied closely with Tuca and Bertie, not an easy task given the network’s long history and great back catalogue. 

The show was also ahead of it’s time: while shows with rich continuites, snappy dialouge, pop culture shout outs, and deep, often heavily flawed characters who change considerably are normal, Venture Bros was one of the only ones at the time like this and probably the only one in adult animation. There were other good shows sure, but Venture Bros slowly evolved from a messy if fun parody of adventure shows like Johnny Quest, into a deep involved world that skewered the superhero supervillian dynamic, had characters who changed with every season in interesting ways, deep cut refrences, and a status quo that never settled for more than a season. It’s inventive, hilarous, and throughly itself. I also feel the show is directly responsible for some of my faviorites: the Ducktales reboot plays to me like the Venture Bros if the world wasn’t realistically broken, Bojack took the concept of having a deeply flawed protaganist who struggles to be better and ran with it, and Final Space comes off as the venture version of Guardians of the Galaxy. It was thanks to Jackson and Doc taking the leap, making their singuarly weird show and doing it the way they wanted that other shows could fly along with them and carry on the torch after their gone. This show isn’t without it’s flaws, which I won’t hesitate to point out, but I can’t help but geninely and wholeheartdly love it. 

So let’s start at the beginning: back in the late 90′s, a young man named Christopher  McCulloch, the future Jackson Publick,  was working on The Tick. For those of you who don’t know what The Tick is.. i’m sorry it took you this long to find it you poor bastard, and it’s a superhero franchise that lovingly spoofs the genre, following a cheeful, gung ho, nigh invunerable big blue lunkhead and his nervous sidekick arthur as they fight crime. It’s crossed comics and three tv series and Jackson was working on the first of those, an animated series. There Jackson honed his craft writing and drawing under the watchful eye of his friend and Mentor, Ben Edlund, creator of the Tick and later Supernatural. So we have him to thank for that time Mystery Inc mentally broke down after finding out their world isn’t real. Thanks Ben!

While doing that a co worker brought in some books from a series he used to read, Tom Swift Jr, about a boy adventuerer who was the son of the previous tom swift who had his own boy adventures. He sketched two dorky brothers, one saying “Ma Venture didn’t raise no fools”... and thus the Venture Brothers were born. According to the book Go Team Venture: The Art and Making of the Venture Brothers, a massive and beautiful book from Dark Horse that covers the first 6 seasons of the show that not only reignited my love for the show but serves as most of my background material for this retrospective, Doc had the name venture from the second he sketched their “Dumb little heads” and never wavered on that for good reason. Also just to head this off if your wondering why i’m not using the DVD commentary it’s simple: I don’t have the dvds, I can’t afford to buy all of them, and it’d slow the retrospective down greatly to have to watch each season twice so if I miss something that was on the commentary, feel free to point it out politely. 

Anyways Jackson kept these two in the back of his head, slowly coming up with the idea to make them a Johnny Quest pastiche, while having the father be a second generation adventurer like Tom Swift Jr. He tried bringing them to comics while working at Jumbo pictures as the animators there had a regular anthology comic called Monkeysuit, but wanted them more fleshed out. He picked at it for a while and eventually realized it’d just work best in animation. 

So he tried one of the only games in town for Adult Animation: Comedy Central.  As you can tell by the whole “Adult Swim” thing, that didn’t really pan out and Comedy Central passed on what could’ve been another flagship show. 

Granted it’s for the best: the show didn’t quite fit Comedy Central. So Jackson shelved it for a bit to work on the first live action Tick show, moving to LA for it and getting an agent who asked if he had anything to shop around. He had some venture boys to shop around, so his agent brought it to a company that was experimenting with Claymation. Given Dean and Hank never went on an adventure to save baby new year, you can see where this went. 

After the 2000′s Tick bottomed out because Fox was a sink hole for good ideas back in the day, in case you were wondering “Gee why didn’t he try Fox?”, Jackson decided to get serious about the Venture Bros, headed back to NYC and made a proper pitch bible for the series, a book that’s a general idea for what the series will be. To my shock most of the stuff in the pitch bible made it to the series. From Dr. Venture’s pill addiction, to his unspoken attraction to brock, to Brock being the Boys true parental figure, to characters like Mol, Monarch and Underbeit. The only really notable bit they never got around to was Army Joe, Brock’s long lost brother whose told what to do by a hallucination of uncle sam on his shoulder. They just haven’t found a way to make it work. And Brock having a brother IS canon and was mentioned in season 3, something Jackson pointed out... he just never found a way to make it work. It happens. 

He shopped it around and just happened to be friends with one of the execs at Cartoon Network, who was looking for new pilots for Adult Swim. They said “Sure why not” and the race was on to actually make it.  

This is where the other half of our dynamic duo comes in: Doc Hammer. Doc and Jackson were already good friends at this point, having met at a party through Edlund and hit it off. When Jackson had needed a workspace in NYC, Hammer gladly let Jackson use his, christned the astrobase because their that level of nerd and that’s part of why I love these guys. What started as a workspace for a bunch of guys slowly evolved into a fort for two guys to work in the middle of the night, randomly shoot the shit about whatever popped into their heads, make swords or props to fool around with and general shenanigans. 

So when Jackson needed help with the editing and music for the pilot, as his production studio NoodleSoup knew how to make cartoons in flash but not edit them. Keep in mind flash wasn’t as ubiquitious as it is today, nor as heavily abused as it’d soon be. So Doc naturally agreed since..

Jackson also needed to cast the core four: Starting with what’s truly our lead, Jackson had only one person in mind for Doc: James Urabanik. He’d seen James at a stage show a few years back and given Dr. Venture looks like a sadder more desperate version of him, something James noticed but gladly agreed to do. Next up are the boys. Jackson wanted to do a voice himself as he’d always WANTED to on the Tick but the weird way the animation industry worked back then, they refused to let writers do character voices. This stands out to me because, in part thanks to adult swim doing just that a lot this show especially, it’s now fairly normal for one of the creators to do a voice if they want, with Alex Hirsch voicing three major characters on Gravity Falls, Ian Jones Quarterly voicing two of the leads on Ok KO and Olan Rogers of Final Space voicing at least two including leading man Gary. It also scratches my head WHY they woudln’t, especially with a creator as it saves on money. 

So Jackson ended up just deciding to do Hank and given he was at ease doing this from the pilot, it’s clear he was always meant to be a va. This would be the first of dozens of voice he and Doc would do and god bless em for it, they really have a ton of talent in the craft. Anyways, Hank wasn’t a solo act, yet, but finding that right Dean charm was tricky. Thankfully a friend of Jacksons recommended Micheal Sinterniklas. This and TMNT 2003 have made Micheal a faviorite of mine even if he does games and anime more. Though he did do Kappa Mikey so he has that going for him. He was the perfect dork for the job and that just left Brock, who like Doc Jackson had someone in mind, Patrick Motherfuck Warburton. Warburton was already a name thanks to Seinfield, and had starred in the 2000′s Tick Show, playing the roll to perfection. And he was already a VA at the time, having just started his career with Buzz Lightyear and Family Guy, the latter he’ll probably be doing till a hellmouth opens and finally claims what’s left of the show and the earth. He’d go on to VA for some time and still does, one of the most notable being Sheriff Bronson Stone for Scooby Doo Mystery Inc.  Patrick happily agreed and the cast was set with Jackson filling in the gaps. And Mike but... we’ll talk about that when we get to the episodes themselves, and thus the pilot itself. 

The Pilot was enough of a success that after a short wait, the show got picked up and Jackson was happy to procede as usual. The show switched to traditional animation, got simplier backgrounds jackson hated and moved on for season 2.

There was a hiccup though: Writing a show by yourself.. is incredibly hard espiecally when your also showrunning it. This is why most shows have multiple writers on most episodes and even ones that have the creator write every episode usually have at least two. So Jackson naturally went to Ben for help since he knew how to do this, but Ben, while a great guy and still friends with Jackson to this day, was also busy with his own stuff and couldn’t commit to a full season workload. So Doc, who was in the room because of course he was, agreed to help so Jackson could keep a show. While Doc hadn’t written before, Ben could teach him the ropes, then pass it off to him when he was ready. In Theory. In practice Ben helped a bit, enough that Doc knew the formatting and stuff, but had to leave the learning curve to the poor guy as he got pulled away.  So through this Doc became one half of a team, and the two scrambled through the season. The season ended up being a sleeper hit, not too much bigger than adult swim’s other shows but enough to get them renewed. But is “Good enough for a sure why not renewal” good enough for today’s fat guy at a computer?  Find out under the cut!

So since this is my first review of a full season of a show in months, i’ve streamlined things a bit, breaking it down into three sections. More sections can be added based on the show, but for this one we have

Seasonal Stylings: The style of a certain season, how it feels unique, what it changes from last time, what it fixes or messes up, that sort of thing, or in this case what’s different from future seasons. 

Roll Call: Going into the characters and their development each season, how they grow and evolve or if they step back any. 

Episode Breakdowns: Going through each episode and giving my opinon on them, what I liked, what I didn’t that sort of thing along with some fun counting gags.

Super Good and Holy Dammit Christmas Awards: The best and worst episodes of each season. 

Now we have that settled

Seasonal Stylings:

Season 1 of a show is where most shows, ESPECAILLY animated ones find their legs, taking time to find out just how to tell their stories the way they want, slowly set up the world, and work out that awkward sweaty puberty their going through to get to the adulthood most season 2′s achieve. Venture Bros is no less sweaty in it’s first outing. 

Season 1 is very much the show at it’s most basic plot descritpion: A neurotic wreck of a legacy hero super scienteist with no scruples, no care for his sons, and a desperation for cash goes around the world on various adventures with his naive, sheltered and mildly dimb sons and best friend/bodyguard/sweedish murder machine... and instead of the bigger more typical genre adventure stuff, we see the awkward messes that result instead due to Doc’s greed and reality smacking this world on the back of the head: Doc’s desperate attempts to prove he’s still young and get some lead to him getting jabbed with science and turned into a caterpillar, the local Dr. Strange becomes their tenant and tries to stop Doc’s orphan heart powered wish machine, Dean gets testicular tortion and has to have it humiatingly treated while Brock and Hank serve as hostages and help the Monarch have a truly happy birthday, The Monarch and Baron Underbeit argue over who gets to arch venture over orderves. The misson statment of tempering a cool, super science, comic book world with the pain of failure and real life constraints is there from minute one and works perfectly. It feels like your picking up a comic in an already well involved shared universe with plenty of past stories, volumes, and weird side stuff that’s been going on for decades yet the characters, our main ones anyway, haven’t aged a ton. The venture bros universe is essentially the marvel universe with large dollops of johnny quest, other boy adventure stories, the music doc and jackson like, and any refrence they want, major or minor, all mixed together into this loving brew and while it takes some time to reach peak awesome, the heady mix is there from the start. 

The thing that makes season 1 stand out though is all the pieces aren’t quite settled yet. Jackson hasn’t quite figured out HOW much marvel style nonsense he can dump in (the answer being ALL OF IT), and thus costumed supervilliany isn’t the major focus it would be. The reason for this is simple: it’s focusing point, the Monarch, wasn’t INTENDED to be a main character

Yeah I was stunned too but the Monarch was originally intended to be one of many guys making Dr. Venture’s life hell, hence why Baron Underbeit exists, with episodes having more unique antagonists. Instead he just kept popping into scripts, with them realizing slowly it was far easier to just have one weirdly dedicated jackass assault our hero with silver age nonsense and wave after wave of his own men then come up with some new threat or rotate them out. With the Monarch the show slowly develops the core of it’s unvierse, one built on costumed villany that also has strick rules in escaltion, threat levels and who can attack who. It’s mind boggling to think that the Guild isn’t properly introduced till Trial of the Monarch but from then on the show knows what it is and has a ranting, butterfly obessesed, manically laughing, green gobliny center to it to progress the core of it’s world while the Ventures various antics build out the rest. The Monarch’s still important, appearing in about half the season and having his own dedicated subplots, but it woudln’t be till the end of the season he firmly became the show’s duteratognist, with his own involved story arcs every season. 

Instead Season 1 is built entirely on the other core concept and character of the series: Rusty, and as a result almost every episode is focused on him and his failure to live up to his dad. It’s weird to look back and see just how Rustrycentric the season is: every plot ballances on him in some way or form. Even the Dean-Focused “Are you there god it’s me dean?” is just as focused on Doc trying to help him as it is the poor boys humilation. As the series went on it involved to make all four of the core of Team Venture involved and give them plots and development so i’ts weird to see the show essentially focused on one lead witht he Monarch, The Boys, and Brock all supporting players to rusty’s life instead of being leads in their own right. 

While the season is diffrent though.. it holds up SHOCKINGLY well. I found myself laughing a hell of a lot and even episodes i’d dreaded going back to were wonderful to revisit. The show has some rough patches here and there of course: as Doc and Jackson fully addmited in the book, they hammered on both “Go Team Venture” and RUSTY IS ADDICTED TO PILLS WE HAVE TO BRING THAT UP every episode because they felt they needed to be well established. The former would be scaled back while the latter is just.. no longer a thing honestly. Rusty probably is still on a bunch of shady perscrption drugs, but given it was never the yukfest they seemed to think it was outside of two really good gags, they made the right call. 

Overall though it’s utterly hilarious, with great timing, parody concepts and animation. It’s stilted compared to the later seasons, but even for the early 2000′s it looks gorgeous. Some bits haven’t aged well comedy wise but for the most part Season 1 is an enjoyable ride the whole way through, a loving parody with a sense there’s a deeper world there. 

It’s only real drawback is the characterization is limited: while Doc and Brock come out of the gate fairly realized,  the boys are two dumb peas in the same dumb pod. Their slightly diffrent: hanks a jock , dean’s a nerd, but it takes the season for them to really evolve into who they are: A shy withdrawn boy whose slowly growing tired of this adventuering life but is scared to admit it, and a reckless weirdo living in his own world of alter egos, grinder sales, and adventure. This is something they corrected quickly though and both the network and the crew wanted to make the boys more distinct and vital to the story.  The Monarch slowly emerges from his cocoon as who he is, but at this point 21 and 24 are just two especially chatty minons (Though 21′s geekiness is starting to shine through) and Dr. Girlfriend the Monarch’s.. well girlfriend and #2. There’s hints she’s far more capable and has more of a past, but we again won’t really see that in full till next season. The pieces are there.. they just haven’t been moved into the proper position yet. 

But despite this and the ocasional joke that amounts to “haha brock has a giant penis, haha dr. venture pissed himself, ha ha brock has to masturbate loudly”, which are few and far between, the first season is STILL throughly enjoyable and watchable almost 20 years later. It’s remarkable a season crunched by time and by two guys not quite in step yet turned out as good and memorable as it did and it’d only get better from here. 

Roll Call: 

Onto our casts, who as I said are at their most basic starting positions here, with most depth being added next season. Still there’s plenty to pick apart so pitter patter, let’s get atter. 

Since he’s the center of the season and the star of the show and what not , we’ll start with Dr. Thaddeus “Rusty” Venture. Rusty, as should be obvious is a massive deconstruction of the kid hero, or boy adventurer as the series puts it.  While on paper going around the world, fighting evil and getting to do all so with your larger than life parent and his rougish band of friends sounds fun, this series shows just exactly what that would’ve been like in the 60′s: Getting carted around by an egotistical asshat and his unhinged friends, traumtized all the time, and never making any real friends while your dad gaslights you into enjoying it, then getting trapped in having to fill his impossibly big shoes when he mysteriously dies and leaves you everything, failing because you were never properly prepared for it. Granted nowadays this kind of deconstuction is common: Steven Universe, Owl House, Amphibia, Kid Cosmic, Ducktales the list of shows that have the kid heroes themselves realizing this isn’t easy as it looks goes on. Granted in those cases theirs actual hope of getting better as an adult and growing, but here it shows what’d happen if that moment of self relization and growth and change.. never came. If you spent your whole life wallowing in the mess it was. You get Rusty, a bitter, abusive, selfish shell of a person who constnatly lashes out at his kids and the world and desperately tries to get cash through horrible means. And while a lot of his problems are on his uprbringing and being thrust into a legacy he wasn’t prepared to honor in the slightest, a lot are also just a lack of self awarness: he sees himself as this stifled genius, trapped with two dopey kids and a failing compound who longs to be better than dad. But he just dosen’t put the work in. He dosen’t WANT to get better at super science and at his core hates this world. He’d of been better off leaving it but his own pride , his own love of the craft and his stubborness to one up his dad and prove himself worthy of his legacy means he’s trapped in a world of costumes and scietnfic progress gone boink. It’s the great tragedy of the character: he’d of been WAY happier leaving this all behind.. but he never had a remote chance of letting himself do so and even if he tried, it’s doubtful the original team venture or scoiety itself ever would’ve LET HIM escape his dad’s shadow. He was trapped in this irony sciency cage since birth and can never seem to forge the key out. 

While the abuse part is only hinted at this season, with the brisby test ride and learning beds, and the former child star aspect not fully shown to the audience, both would be more promienint in seasons 3 and 2 respectively, we do get a sense Rusty is a guy whose best years are behind him, his worst currently ongoing, and who can’t get past his own ego to better himself as a person. 

It takes a bit though for the full rusty to emerge: in the pilot he’s more an oblvious scientest who, while not a good parent at all, seems more out of touch with things than actively incompetnet, not getting why a death ray wouldn’t be welcome at a peace confrence. By the series proper his scheming nature, drug addiction and neglect of the boys is there, best exemplified with one of the series best stingers “I picked two beautiful kidneys, I feel freaking amazing!’. By the way not only were they doing that long before marvel but the stingers are easily one of the shows best touches, allowing an extra joke or some resoultion the main plot didn’t provide.  

But while it gets how slimy the guy is, it isn’t as well ballanced as the rest of the series. The reason for this is simple: He has no friends at this point> Brock keeps a wall between them, Billy and Pete are barely around, and Orpheous WANTS to be his friend but Doc’s an ass to him so tha’ts not happening. WIthout those three to bounce off of, Doc is often just either being belittled by people, snarking off to people or yelling at his boys. Later seasons keep him a dick, but by having him have more snappy patter, the bitter medicine of putting up with this jackass goes down smoother and he gets to be more funny. It dosen’t make him a good person, fuck no, but being a good person and being watchable are two diffrent things. 

The other thing that makes him hard to watch is he’s a far worse dad. Yes that’s actually possible. He yells at the boys a lot more, is a lot more horrible to them (even if one instance of this in eeny meeny miney magic, the flames speech, is really funny). Later seasons would better ballance it either playing this shit for dark laughs or making it clear the effect he’s having on these poor boys. Season one just dosen’t quite yet get how to make his disdian for his kids as funny outside of a few occasions. But credit where it’s do my memory has him getting better, and season 7 bears this out. Not as a person but as a charcter, he’s far more intresting from season 2 onward. Urabanik is still good at the roll mind you, and Doc gets some great lines, he’s juts not quite to peak rusty yet. He’ll get there. 

Brock likewise is a bit more simple. In season one he’s almost entirely just a stoic, murdery happy badass, the only resonable person in the room. He isn’t nearly as close with the family ,keeping doc at arm’s length and while he’s more of a parent to doc than the boys, he still has more slip ups, calling hank a wuss for you know, not wanting to snap a man’s neck. That said his scene in Eeeny Meeny Miney Magic where he and hank hang out is one of the most adorable and one of the definting moment sof his character, cementing the two’s bond and how much he cares. He let’s hank hang out, says scuba with him, let’s the boy look at his tapes, when you’d THINK the guy would throw him out. He even makes up for snapping at hank by taking him with him to fix helper.  We see Brock’s nobility quite often, from gently turning down a mexican wrestler hitting on him (And throwing the guy his shirt as a compensation), to helping smuggle a sasquatch, to applauding the boys injunity in eeny meeny miney magic, only mad they didn’t have a plan past “wake brock up” and not letting it show too bad. Brock’s a good guy. .even if ther’es .. one trait of his we’ll talk about next time that’s pretty fucking bad and has aged like fine cheese.  Brock is an enjoyably badass macho spy guy and will continue to evolve as the series goes to become both more badass and more of a person. 

The titular Venture Bros, my boys Hank and Dean easily needed the most work. By Season 3 I absolutely loved them , with Dean being my faviorite character as a teen and Hank being my faviorite character currently. But at the pilot stage they were just two barely diffrent dorks who loved solving mysteries and were blisfully unaware how terrible the world they were trapped in. They were mostly put off to the side for subplots in season 1 or in supporting role. The most they had diffrent was dean was bookish and Hank’s a wannabe jocks, both neither quite making the roll. 

It’s once the show slowly started making them into their own persons they became the characters we know and love. The best examples of this to me are Eeeny, Meeny Miney Magic!, Mid LIfe Chyrsalis and Tag Sale, You’re It! It’s those three episodes where the boys feel most like themselves. 

Starting with Mid Life Chrysalis while Hank and Dean still play Jock and Nerd a bit, their personalites start to percolate in how they help Brock prepare for his liscense renewal. Dean tries teaching Brock the written test and when given an awesome and hilaroiusly complex response by brock on how our resident badass would handle the issue his response is simply “The answer is C”.  He has the demanor of a dorky school teacher despite being 16.  Hank in contrast puts on his best sweats, and tries to immitate rocky, being rough on brock, telling him to eat some eggs he most definetly spat in, and  getting a bit too into his drill seargent nasty routine before Brock reminds him  “Hank you realize when I get my lisence i’m aloud to kill you right?”. Dean’s inherntly dorky energy put towards pretty normal stuff and Hank’s unique brand of bonkers both shine through here. 

It starts to peak through more with Eeny Meeny Miney Magic. Here the two go to seperate corners for the first time and both get definting parts of their personalties as a result. Dean gets his hopeless crush on Triana, as well as an utterly hilarous and awkward bit where he talks about “the box his pop made”, leaving triana speechless. He’s adorably awkward around the poor girl, later kissing his hand and “practicing being a boyfriend pop!” in the bathroom. And hte fact he calls it that tells me he’s not ready. Hank meanwhile is in adorable pie eyed dork mode, fawning over his hero brock as he stacks nickles, says scuba and acccidnetly presses a button. It emphasies the two’s bond which would become the lynchpin of hank’s character in season 4 and as I said i’ts adorable. The ending also shows the boys dynamic well with Hank lightly razzing dean

“She was all over you” “really?” “No” It’s a nice change from earlier epsiodes where Hank’s more of a bully to Dean. here he’s just popping his bro’s bubble like most brothers do. 

The two finally emerge in full in  “Tag Sale! You’re It!”. With Dean’s hidden reluctance towards adventure and Hank’s exuberance and batshit nature set up, Tag Sale fully fleshes it out: Dean is utterly awkward around triana, can’t process the real world but deseprate what’s the chunk of it he sees in her. Hank meanwhile gets one of his shining moments: Upon finding his dad selling his stuff, he decies to start his own buisness. Now most kids and teens would probably sell food and drink, the gap in doc’s selling, that’s not too abnormal. Hank’s got hustle. But Hank being hank takes it a step further by having everyone wear hats and aprons, dubbing the stand “Hankco’s Lemonade and GrinderWorld” and specifically selling grinders, griling dean when he dosne’t upsell a lemonade with the grinder. He let’s dean have a break to talk to Trianna becaue of “Union roles’ and when the rest of his employees (Dean, Helper and Triana) abandon ship when a supervillian riot breaks out, Hank vows he will not be moved before getting clubbed in the head with an errant shoe. Hank was truly born that day. This kind of nuts would stick and by next season Hank would hit his peak crazy and become who he was always desitned to be: the Bat.  So while it took till season 2 for Doc and Jackson to make a concetrated effort to make the two both indivdiuals and a full part of the series instead of just the easy joke of “well it’s called the venture bros but it’s not REALLY about them”, they were gearing up to and the execs asking for it likely wasn’t a tall order. 

Now onto our Villian Protaganist. The Mighty Monarch, as i’ve said, wasn’t INTENDED to be as recurring as he was, let alone a main lead. But it’s also easy to see much like Opus or Fonzie WHY he broke out from being one of many enemies venture sighed about to being his obessive one true arch enemy.  He’s the perfect mirror for Rusty: unlike Rusty he’s actually sucessful in his own way: he has tons of minons, a cash flow so near-endless it dosen’t run out till season 6, a cool base, and a loving and capable partner in both senses of the word. Yet like Rusty he’s own worst enemy: as the show will go on to point out, he could have a top tier nemsis enemy.. but his weird vendetta with Doc for reasons he dosen’t even remember keeps him tied to a washed up dickwad who sees their rivalry not as some epic, years long war like Monarch wants.. but as some petty annoyance, like the Monarch was some guy letting his dog crap on venture’s lawn. Though I wouldn’t be suprised if the monarch once adopted several dozen dogs, dressed them in butterfly costumes and had them take dumps on venture’s lawn. He’s stuck hating someone who just dosent hate him the way he does, and deludes himself into thinking otherwise. As Dr. Girlfriend puts it in “Mid-Life Chralyis” “You two have a lot in common”. Their both pathetic.. but in their own unique ways that make them the perfect foils. 

He’s also just damn funny. Practically every scene with him has a good laugh.  Chris never fails to kill with the guy, sometimes literally. He’s an utterly captivating presence and the series was right to make him the duetragonist from Trial of the Monarch on. 

Dr. Girlfriend, as I mentioned isn’t at full develoment yet, but makes a great partner: she’s understanding to the Monarch but also blunt, pointing out things like not wanting kids, but truly and clearly loves her deranged boss/boyfriend.  She dosen’t really break out though till Trial, where after the Monarch REALLY piles on the asshole, calling her a slut was way fucking out of line, she ends up going back to her ex phantom limb... more on him next season... and rightly calls Monarch’s ass out.. yet at her heart still cares enough to both feel bad he’s going up river.. and to pass the blame to the boys. 

Finally on  Team Monarch we have 21 and 24. There’s not much to say here really. Their the monarch’s two henchman and much like the man himself they weren’t meant ot be as big as they were.. but Doc and Jackson liked voicing them and it just made sense, much like the monarch himself, to have a few recurring guys. While their screentime here is limited what they get is TRULY amazing: the lightsaber bit in tag sale, SMURFS DON’T LAY EGGS, their publishing of the flight of the monarch with Gary’s utter stupidity in putting the man’s face on the cover, and the finale which has the two just sorta dick around before accidently acomplishing their goal of murdering hank and dean in the most idotic way possible. The two are a delight, one a loveable fanboy living out his best life, the other a middle aged clone of ray ramano. Can’t wait to see evne more next season. 

Suppoting cast wise we’ll start with Dr. Orpheous who at this point is easily the biggest member of the supporting cast and would continue to be for the next season or two before being mostly ignored in the latter half of the series. But for now he’s another good foil for Doc: As the men themselves put it, he’s a succesful parent and career man to Doc’s abusive failure. He dotes on his “pumpkin”, at worst embarassing her at a christmas party by announcing her maidenhead is not a prize to be won (Though given the guy hitting on here was Pete aka someone Dr. O’s OWN AGE, I can understand), making sure her dinner’s on teh table. IN short he’s a sweetheart of the mystic arts as well as the master of them. It was also a bold choice to parody Dr. Strange LONG before he had a movie let alone much audience recognition. Even in comics while well loved by writers, he wasn’t a big name at the time. This would change soon with Bendis (HISSSSSSS), raising his profile again, but the point was it shows the guys don’t care how deep the cut is, they just do what they want and it’s what gives the show it’s flavor. 

Orpheous is just a hammtastic treat every time he shows up, from talking about his cat being in heat, to mocking the hidden passageway trope, to trying desperately to get a nemisis, a bit where the guys set a thread without realizing it. It leads to the man’s only real moment of weakness, agreeing to the guild’s terms to get him an arch at the cost of the Monarch, but given he both dosen’t know why Phantom Limb wants monarch out of the way and the guild would likely try and get rid of the poor guy otherwise I can’t blame him. Compared to the fuckups of the rest of the cast and the closet thing we’ll get to next time, it’s minor. 

Finally we have Pete and White> Their just kinda around at this point. We’ll get more into them next time. ONTO THE EPISODES!

Episode Breakdowns!

Here’s how it works: i’ll go into each ep, what I like about em, and then get into some recurring bits, counting gags and such. They are Rusty Sucks Surprising No One Count: This is any time Rusty is an asshole. So probably once an episode but given how terrible he is this season, funny or otherwise, I needed it.  This Didn’t Age Well Count: Again more for my mental health.  Bits that just didn’t age well. Can’t be helped on the guys parts but still.  Hanktastic: For Hank’s shenanigans.  Deanarific: For Dean’s doings. This bit wasn’t ORIGINALLY in the review but I thought of adding it for season 2 and rather than have a segment that will likely run series long start with the second and things be weird I went back and added it here. I usually try to AVOID george lucasing my work, but in this case I felt the acception was warranted. It’s one thing to erase mistakes you made, it’s another to simply add something neat so the whole retrospective is more cohesive.  Best Moment: Self Explanitory.  First Apperance: Since this show has a LOT of characters, it’s only fitting. If I miss one in the background that’s on me. I’m mostly focusing on the bigger recurring players here though.  Super Good Award: Best episode of the season Pissed in God’s Eye Award:Worst Episode of the season.  Questions for Later: Bits of Foreshadowing, or things that get followed up on. 

Also going by airing order. While it’s not correct order, it’s what HBO Max had. I do feel the DVD order, used by Hulu flows better, but the HBO Max airing has the bonus episodes, so my choice was clear. 

0. The Terrible Secret of Turtle Bay Summary: The Ventures head to New York for a conference and have to deal with prostitues, public humilation, sterotypes and the Mighty Monarch.  My Thoughts: Terrible Secret is a decent pilot. While the animation is rough, the plot holds decently and I still consider some form of it canon... as does the show as the Monarch’s orginal outfit here, as well as the minon outfit shows up a few times. The characters are in a rough state, but it works well enough and the spirit of the series is there even if it’s not at full steam yet. What holds it back is one VERY grating flaw. So about that... This Didn’t Age Well Count: 3. The first is making a joke over two underage boys accidently soliciting a prostitue and it’s minor, if still ehhhhh. The second is giving Dr. Girlfriend an adams apple as part of that clear “Get it SHE’S TRANS THAT’S A JOKE RIGHT” runner with her. I’ll talk about that more next time but it dosen’t sit well with me even two decades on.  The major one.. is Otaku Sensuri... an asian man. Voiced by the very white Michael Sinterniklas using one of the most horribly offensve fake asian accidents i’ve ever heard. This isn’t okay now and it sure as shit wasn’t okay then. Granted since then Jackson and Doc have TRIED to stay away from sterotyping. At worst Dr. Z is borderline and really shoudnl’t be voiced by a white guy, but otherwise they learned their lesson from this. Still makes the episode hard to watch for me whenever he’s on screen though. The fact the payoff for him is that he diddles himself to machines.. does not help. It’s very HE HE MASTRBATION instead of making an actual joke.  Rusty Sucks Surprising No One: 1, shocking given even slightly nicer here he’s still annoyed at the boys existance. But no all he did was turn a Dog inside out.. which is still ungodly horrible, RIP Scamp, but is somehow not the worst thing he does all season.  Best Moment: Easy winner. Otaku Sensuri trying to escape in a cloud of smoke, the UN Guy saying he escaped only for Dean to casually point out “He’s over there”... cut to the ninja hiding in plain sight in a potted plant.  First Appearance: Rusty Venture, Brock Sampson, Dean Venture, Hank Venture, Billy Quizboy, Pete White, Professor Impossible, The Monarch and Dr. Girlfriend. 

1. Dia De Los Dangerous!

Summary: The Venture’s trip down Mexico Way finds the boys kidnapped, Helper getting a sweet paint job, Brock buried alive, Doc missing a kidney and The Monarch missing his adopted family.  My Thoughts: A truly excellent episode and second pilot. The cast is more defined, the jokes come fast and furious and the pacing is divine. The Monarch’s tragic and utterly silly backstory coupled with Doc’s kidney shenanigans (the way he counts it, Helpers makeover and their half assed tethering are all classic).  Brock also gets an iconic moment with “They hit me with a truck” Rusty Sucks Surprising No One: 5. Assuming a doctor will give him pills just for being mexican, calling dia de los muertos “crazy dead people christmas” and stealing his son’s kidney’s. Granted their clones but THEY don’t know that.  Best Moment: The Kidney gag. “And I got two beauitful Kidneys! I feel freakin amazing!  Hanktastic: Re Helper “He looks liked a dried out turd on a bad Stretch of Road” First Appearance: H.E.L.P.E.r (Not spelling it properly most of the time because it’s a lot), Henchman 24. 

 2. Careers in Science

Summary: The Ventures go where several men have gone before to fix Jonas’ old satalite. Rusty hallucinates his dad, the boys hunt for a phantom spaceman and brock cucks a pent up manchild by accident.  My Thoughts: This one’s a bit of a mess. Doc freely admits the pacing isn’t good, and it’s far slower than it needs to be. Not enough good jokes and Brock beats up a guy for merely touching him and gets punished for.. being upset his girlfriend cheated on him. If she wanted to break up with the guy for you know, not having sex with her, that’s fine. It’d be awkard being stuck with him., so I get why she hadn’t yet, but it’s still wrong to have sex with him instead of just.. telling bud she wants sex. Overall not a great ep, though it has some standout gags. Questions For Later:  Sadly Manstrong comes back one more time. Shockingly though the problem light, i.e. the light that turned on to trigger all this in the first place is a VITAL chekov’s gun.. it just took the guys 14 years to fire it.  Best Moment: Rusty happily scarfing down some pills to make his hallucination dad go away.  Deanarific and Hanktastic: “It’s on it’s off it’s on it’s off” “That’s called blinking boys First Appearance: Manstrong, Baldovich, Jonas Venture (As a hallucination but it’s the first time we both see his appearnce and hear his voice so I count it)

3. Home Insecurity

Summary: Brock goes on his annual wolverine style sabatical, leaving Doc to create a new robot that ends up being more of a problem than a solution, while Underbeit and the Monarch argue over who gets to arch venture this week.  My Thoughts: This episode is fine. I remembered not liking it but honestly it has some things going for it: it’s parody of the six million dollar man (whose stuck being unable to pay back those parts), his love of a sasquatch, the shaved bigfoot gag, and the Monarch and Underbeits minons shooting the shit while their bosses have a polite meeting. But overall it’s just.. there. It’s not bad, but it’s not all that memorable nor impactful on the show as a whole. And one of the problems with that. is the Baron himself. Doc and Jackson meant for him to be a bigger character but felt taking him as far into evil as needed to make him funny would be too over the top. Great for the tick but not fitting in this universe. It’s telling the guy shows up three times this season, once next season.. and then disappears for a season and a half. He’s just not funny or intreresting and dosen’t really fit in the world this show becomes.  Rusty Sucks Surprising No One: 6. His yelling at Hank, not getting hank was in his own stupid way trying to revivie him. Leave my boy alone. His also not realizing Helper was sentient... decades into knowing the poor robot.  Best Moment: Dr. Girlfriend putting out snacks for Monarch’s meeting with the baron. Just the common banality of it. It gets me.  First Appearance: Baron Underbeit. 

4. The Incredible Mr. Brisby

Summary: Rusty takes his kids to Brisby land for a buisness deal and in typical Rusty fashion leaves them in the plane while he goes to talk to owner Roy Brisby. He soon finds himself kidnapped as part of Brisby’s grand design, while Brock finds himself working with his black widowy x to track him down and the boys find themselves brainwashed by a bunch of soccer parents.  My Thoughts: This is another one I didn’t really care for when I was younger. But on rewatch I found it was ONLY the Mol and Brock stuff I didn’t like. The overblown parody of sexual tension between spies just.. never worked for me and Mol never felt like she had more character than “russian superspy”, that she was more than her parody like the rest of the cast. It’s a shame too: the Ventureverse is very light on female characters.. and one of the only important ones.. is a shallow black widow parody who has no real character outside of “sex pot wild card who plays whatever side’s winning”. It’s a character type i’ve seen before and done better and for this show I expect better. I don’t belivie in adding female characters JUST to up the count but I do feel Jackson and Doc could’ve done more with Mol over seven seasons to make her actually entertaining and just couldn’t. It’s one of the few problems with venture bros that seems to stretch over the whole work: I love Doc and Jackson but they just don’t seem to get that women can pathetically fail too, and often struggle to flesh out female characters, with Dr. G, Warina Sirena and Sally (With time) being some of the only exceptions. I don’t think their sexist or intentionally saying “Nyeah no women in our club”, I just feel it’s easier for them to make male schlubs because that’s easier to write and there’s more characters to pull from pastiche wise. 

The other two parts of the ep though? Their divine. Doc’s interactions with Brisby are peak doc, with him smarting off the guy greatly and his Drug addled monologue in a southern belle voice is fucking brilliant. The real star of their plot though is Brisby himself, a paralized man with a rictus grin played to perfection by Chris Parnell, who just steals every damn scene he’s in. From calling Le Le his “Companda”, to having said panda put a sack over Doc’s head, to “coming aflame’ to getting rightfully pissed his base has stairs, there’s not a moment the man’s on screen that isn’t entertaining. He also cleverly sets up the cloning thing for next season, one of the few times the guys fully planned ahead. 

Finally the boys bit is decent. While the stuff with them trapped in the x1 is not entertaining at all, the orange county liberation front being a military extermist group stocked with subruban parents is fucking amazing.  Rusty Sucks Surprising No One: 7, as bringing his sons to Brisbyland and NOT letting them you know, go putter around while he does his meeting is a dick move even for Rusty. And given we’re only 5 episodes in and already up to 7 on this count, that threshold is vast.  Best Moment: “Mandalay i’ve come aflame!” It’s mostly in the delivery. A paralized man being set on fire isn’t funny in itself. But him saying so like this happens all the time, as well as the question of WHY he keeps the fireplace around if this happens. That’s comic gold.  Questions for Later:  Our first hints of two major things: That the boys are clones, as Brisby comes to doc specfically for his cloning expertise (With Doc likely refusing not to avoid the heat but because he knows his clones have to grow from infancy), and that Jonas was a terrible dad with him taking his son wanting to help as a sign to test dangerous rides on him.  Hanktastic: While i’ts more early hank than the later loveable loon, Hank asking his dad if he’s “on the rag” clearly not knowing what that means is still hilarous, especailly Doc just sighing at his son’s stupidity.  Deanarific: Dean spotting all the animals. Such a precious boy. I feel bad for the crapstorm of a life he’s already had and that’s only going to get worse.  First Appearance: Roy Brisby (Who will show up in the background from time to time so fair enough), Moltov Cocktease

5. Eeeny, Meeny, Miney Magic! Summary: Doc let’s a Dr. Strange rent a room just in time for one of his inventions powered by a forsaken child to ensnare Brock, forcing the boys to rescue him. Meanwhile Dean falls for the new tenant’s teenage goth daughter, and does the mature thing and kisses his owns hand to practice for her.  My Thoughts: Another one I glossed over. But on rewatch.. this was a season highlight and VERY nearly got the super good award. Orpheus instantly adds a lot to the show: an intresting foil for doc, another side to this show’s universe we don’t see a lot, a goth daughter to serve as an intresting foil for the boys while also allowing him to be a good dad to Rusty’s shouty one. Add in some all time great jokes, the boys slowly coming into their own, and an orphan heart and you have an all time classic.  Talking about the Orpheous Family for a second I feel both are underutilized a bit. With Dr. O while he’s used fine for the first four seasons, he vanishes for most of season 5 and all of season 6 and only gets two episodes in season 7 as part of the morphic trilogy. Triana meanwhile is someone the guys flat out admit they dropped the ball on, that they coudl’ve done more.. but just didn’t quite know what to do with her. I feel she could’ve been a great foil for the boys, and could’ve evolved into just being dean’s friend instead of his love intrest with time, since nothing was ever going to happen there. They had no intention of dropping her entirely either, planning to write some more stuff with her i’ll get to when we get to her exit in a few seasons, it’s just likely like Dr. O they didn’t know where to squeeze her in. It’s the double edged sword of the magic characters: Their a great break from the usual super science.. but as a result it’s harder to fit them in sometimes without writing an episode around them.  Rusty Sucks Surprising No One: We’re up to 12 folks! There’s his hilarious rant at Dean about the house being on fire, his FAR less hilarious and more cringy one shouting at hank for TRYING to get his help. I mean I get Hank cries for attention but come on. He then caps it off with two for using an orphan heart, and an additional one for not wanting to shut off what’s clearly a dangerous, rouge machine. That said while this is easily Rusty’s douchiest ep of the season, it’s also one of his most hilarious so fair play to him. His trying to downplay how awful his actions are are hilarious. Speaking of which.  Best Moment: The trope namer itself. There was no other choice, this is peak Doc and sums up the character in a few exchanges. 

Hanktastic: Scuba! Do not Eat that Ghost Pie also counts.  Deanarific: The ENTIRE Box My Pop Made conversation. I don’t know why it took me this long to truly appricate the hilarous and dark awkwardness of this.  First Appearance: Dr. Orpheus, Triana Orpheus.

6. Ghosts of the Sargasso Summary: Doc tries to rob a watery grave while the rest of the family runs headfirst into a Scooby Doo Plot. Also ghosts.  My Thoughts: Another banger with a great concept: what happens when one of those Scooby Doo Schemes has to run in perpetuity? Or runs into a REAL ghost. Granted the franchise had done the latter by Witch’s Ghost but still.  The Pirate Captain is an instantly awesome addition to the cast, being uniquely hilarious for his bizzare life choice of being a scooby doo villian, pirate accent and genuine nature. His interactions with Dean are some of the funniest things here. Add in Brock teaching hank how to murder and Doc monloguing to himself while trying to grave rob and you have an all time great 7 seasons on.  Rusty Sucks Surprising No One: 13. Robbing a man’s grave after his dad left the test plane down there out of respect for the dead. It says when Jonas “Take his friends corpse and make it a robot slave” Venture is more respectful of the dead than you.  Best Moment: While Dean’s goofy “Maybe” when asked if he’s not a good liar nearly got it I have to give it to the entire sequence with the Action Man’s ghost, from it just shrieking a lot, to the “Your dead sweetie” conversation to the action man making it so much worse, all capping in Rusty being Scarred for life for the 99th time. One more and he gets a free sundae.  Hanktastic: Hank whizzing off the deck while making weird sound effects.  Questions For Later: We see our first glimpse of Old Team Venture... and our first indication the action man is an asshat.  Deanarific: It could only be this exchange.  Pirate Captain: Your not a very good liar are ye dean? Dean: (Goofily as shit) Mayyyybeeee First Appearance: The Pirate Captain, The Action Man, Kano, Col. Gentleman. 

7. Ice Station Impossible

Summary: Dr. Venture and Conjectural Technologies get recruited for a think tank for Silver Age Reed Richard Richard Impossible Naturally Rusty has to deal with urine tests, degraded copies of the rest of the ff, a woman being intrested in him and said woman’s husband leaving him for dead. Meanwhile Hank gets conked with a super serum made by Impossible and Brock has to scramble to save him. Oh and some kids fiddle around with Race Bannnon’s corpse.  My Thoughts: A decent ep, it mostly fumbles from the first fourth of Doc’s plot, where he mostly struggles with a urine test and not much happens that’s actually funny. It dosen’t help Pete and Billy still aren’t defined just yet and are just kinda there. It won’t be till later this season we actually figure out who the heck they are. The impossibles are a great addition to the venture verse though: Having their reed be the same smug, abusive, gaslighty dick he was early on because, while a loving husband, Stan Lee clearly had issues writing women, mostly with having Hank Pym and Reed Richards constantly rebuff their girlfriends and downplay their thoughts and feelings like condescending dicks while having the x-men all horn over poor jean grey a bunch. The boys take that and run with it, having Sally be desperate to escape while her reed is a smothering dick who keeps her hidden out of shame, mentally gaslights her, and tries to murder a guy for giving her the attention he won’t. The other deconstructions are more unique: having the torch not really be a character because his trait is constantly in pain from being constantly on fire, but without the powers johnny has to make tha tnot an issue, and Ned being entirely unique, being a mentally handicapped version of the thing whose in pain moving due to his mutation making him a callous instead of a golem. Ned is also surprisingly well treated for the time: Doc’s mom used to work with mentally disabled kids, so as such Ned is treated as a human and when someone calls him the r-word later on, their framed entirely as an asshole, as is richard for essentially penning up a disabled man. Despite the pain of his mutation ned is easily one of the nicest, sweetest characters in the venture verse and I honestly wish we saw more of him. 

The Subplot here steals the show a bit, as Jackson got away with murdering race bannon and using his actual name. This would fade by season 3 as it was clear these werne’t just parodies but characters in the universe, and thus CN wasn’t comfortable with them outright using warped versions of the Johnny Quest characters. Still this marks a turning point: not only are our heroes a Johnny Quest parody on some level, but Johnny also lives in this world.. and as we’ll see next season when he debuts properly it hasn’t treated him well. But the kids playing around with Race’s spy gear, Hank’s slow death and dean panicking once he realizes his dad CAN’T fix this if they find him and their all going to die.. it’s all great. 

Two more things ot note. One, Richard is played by Stephen Colbert, yes THE Stephen Colbert. Colbert is a perfect fit for Dr. Impossible, plays the guy to smary, clueless, abusive perfection, and is part of why the guy is so entertaining despite being a monster. Sadly Stevie would only hang around one more appearnce. It’s why Doctor Impossible only shows up ONCE in season 3, voiced by Chris, before returning in full in late season 4 voiced by THE Bill Hader. Colbert would return for the Gargantua Special which, for now, is Richard’s swan song, so it’s a fitting full circle thing. Richard is also the V-Bros character with the most va’s, clocking it at four (Chris’ brother peter voiced him in the pilot). 

The other is that this has one of Rusty’s few shining moments early on. When Impossible wants to shoot Hank, Rusty steps in front of him. There’s no one else around at the time, Pete and Billy come in right after, he KNOWS the boys can be cloned.. but he steps in anyway when Hanks in real danger. It shows that while he hates his sons.. he DOES also love them somewhere deep down. 

Rusty Sucks Surprising No One: 17. First a minor one but having your kids piss in a bag to pass a drug test is pretty yikes. The major one though, which gets orphan heart level double points, is his treatment of sally. Shockingly i’m NOT putting him clearly wanting to sleep with Sally on the list. While yes she is cheating on her husband... her husband is an abusive, coldly distant dick who sees her as an embarrassment to hide due to a mutation HE CAUSED. She can’t leave him: he’s rich, powerful and at this point in the series lives in an arctic base away from anyone who could help her. So her wanting to sleep with the first man she finds attractive.. I can’t blame her.  I can blame Rusty though for abandoning her. I get not wanting to escalate into a relationship with her but dude, you have room in the x1. Just take her and her family with you. Just up and ditching her. This also leads to a surprise count! Sucky Sampson: When Brock fucks up. In this case going with Doc’s plan. He also gets post added counts, since I came up with this on the fly, for Careers in Science (choking a man for touching him) and Terrible Secret (Leaving the boys to bang a prostitute) totaling up at 3.  Best Moment: No contest. It’s when Brock arrives to get Impossible’s help only for Richard to assume “You just want to beat me up” He procedes to form weird boxing stances while stretching. Brock’s response is iconic to me, as is Warburton’s shouty, pitch perfect delivery. 

Hanktastic: Once brock shoes off some local kids playing with Race Bannon’s dead body “Someone killed him” “Those kids? Dammit and we let them get away!” Deanarific: Dean’s utter faith in his father to fix this.. and his utter breakdown when it’s clear he can’t.  Questions For Later: Introducing the Johnny Quest Cast in the first place. Also the pregnant stinger at the end... likely not INTENDED to be anything more than a cruel button on things, but it ends up being vital to the followup to this episode next season. First Appearance: Sally Impossible, Cody Impossible, Ned

8. Mid-Life Chrysalis: Super Good Award Winner!

Summary: A stop by the airforce leads to identity crisis for both the venture adults: Rusty is desperate to prove he’s still got it and goes out looking for women.. and finds Dr. Girlfriend who injects him with Science Juice and turns him into a caterpillar for her boyfriend. Brock meanwhile finds out his lisence to kill has expired and the boys rally to help him get it renewed.  My Thoughts: The first ep Jackson and Doc did together and unlike other shuffling around with the episodes this one was intentional, wanting Brock’s badassery to be built up before i’ts yanked away. It’s also one of my personal favorites. The jokes are dense here, from “Eat eggs and crap eggs” to “What’s a matter you don’t like zep” , The runner with the strip club guy that pays off with brock shockingly NOT killing him , as he’ll return, but taking an eye. There’s too many gags here to mention and as I mentioned before Hank and dean truly come into their own. Doc’s plot is also fucking great,  showing some humanity in Rusty by showing just how.. pathetic the poor guy is. He’s aging badly, his attempt to deal with it is to go out looking for women, I empathize with the guy... and thank god i’m not quite as bad or awkaard, but it’s one of the first times in the series Doc is nakedly sympathetic. It humanizes the bastard. Add in the Monarch’s awkard jealousy, and you have one of theseries best on Jackson and Doc’s FIRST try as a team. Good gravy.   Winning best of the season... was a tough competition. Eeeny Meeny and Tag Sale both were serious competition.. but ultimately it’s character that wins this one out. We see Rusty in his most pathetic state, Dr. Girlfriend show she has a heart by refusing to let him turn into a butterfly monster, and Brock gets an excellent showcase. We see him vunerable for once, having lost everything.. and see how despite his attempts at distancing himself at this point... he’s truly PART of this family. The Boys put in a true effort to help him pass, and Brock apricates it even if he dosen’t show it. Seeing HELPR hug him was also really cute. The climax of his arc is also awesome, tanking the written by drawing icarus from Led Zeplin, but utterly decimating the fire arms course without taking a shot. Treister’s speech sums up what a legend Brock is.. and how it dosen’t phase the guy. Overall a deserving winner.  Rusty Sucks Surprising No One: 20. Making change in a stripper’s G-String, they work hard for that money bitch, and bragging about his sex life while his kids are right there. The rest of his creepiness this episode is too pathetic to count honestly, though he gets one more for trying to make his robot nanny shoot him in the head.  Best Moment: A fucking HARD choice. There’s so many great ones, from the montage to Brock’s return at the end. But I gotta give it to the reveal of Caterpillar rusty. Rusty’s summation of why he thinks this happened “I pissed in god’s eye and he blinked”, may be Rusty’s second best line, but Hanks lack of reactoin to it, from casually poking his dad to marveling at his shed skin is great, and truly defines the kid.  Hanktastic: The aforementioned casual dad poking. Phrasing.  Deanarific: Dean’s acting like your nerdiest high school friend helping Brock perpare for his test.  Questions For Later: General Tresiter is mentioned, and once again a barely mentioned character becomes vitally important. But only this once does it result in us getting peak Toby Huss and that’s magic. The boys mom also gets brought up for the first time outside the pilot. This will be teased to all hell for the rest of the series till it’s shocking reveal at the end of the final season.  First Appearance: Strip Club Guy 

9. Are You There God? It’s Me, Dean Summary: Just as the Monarch is on the cusp of sweet victory in the amazon involving urethra fish and Grover Cleavland’s Presdential Time Machine, our heroes arching gets benched when Dean has testicular torsion. While Dean deals with the most embarrassing day of his life, Brock and Hank are kept as leverage and end up salvaging the Monarch’s birthday for the guy.  My Thoughts: Another banger that plays to the series strengths: superhero cops and robbers being hit over the head by the needs of reality and beruarcy and some good old fashioned humiliation. 

This results in two great plots: First off we have poor Dean put through the ringer, literally as his testicles twist and figuratively as he has to deal with a ton of embarrassment. While dickish as always, Doc’s integration on him, wondering if he put heroin in his balls and blaming Triana for it is fucking amazing for how utterly stupid it is. Things only improve when Doc’s forced to call an actual doctor (or his closest thing), giving Billy and White their first real adventure and setting up who they are: a sensitive opsitmstic guy who gets shit on by life and his snarky useless partner he keeps around anyway who reguarly bill their best friend and only client for money because Rusty has no other friends and this would be sad if it was anyone else they were bilking. We have Billy referring to himself as a “Boy genius” even though he’s like 40 (and it backfiring as Dean understandably didn’t want a child touching his nuts) and White’s usual criticism. But we also see that billy IS shockingly talented, easily solving Dean’s issue. 

Really most of the humor in this one is from dean’s humiliation cumulating in the poor guy in a diaper while everyone, including Triana, lines up. For once though the two have something resembling a moment as she asks if this is the most humilating moment of his life showing evne if she dosen’t find dean attractive.. she still likes the guy. The answer: “Easily”

As for the other plot i’ts pure fun as the Monarch tries to impress his captives, from an attempted “I am your father” even hank dosen’t buy, to an attempted call. Brock however sympathizes with his captor and has some fun going on a rampage, which allows monarch to go full bore .. and both to have to cove rit up. The ending is also perfect with it being hank’s turn to get his nuts in a twist.  Rusty Sucks Surprising No One: 21. The diaper thing is well meaning dad stuff, which is rare for him. But accusing Triana of being a drug addict for being a goth is so stupid it hurts. For one who is he to judge someone’s parenting and for another, if anyone would shoot drugs into their nuts it’d be hank and it’d be by accident and we both know it Rusty. he’d try throwing a needle like a long dark, it’d reflect, hit his junk.  Sucky Sampson: We get our first peak into the worst part of Brock of Ages: His transphobia. Which is TRIED to be plied as a joke. He refuses to sleep with Dr. Girlfriend... because he thinks she’s trans, something played for LAUGHS. Good god. The guys REALLY need to apologize for this and shit we get to next time but in general the Dr. Girlfriend is trans LAUGH AT IT gag was really fucking bad and thankfully not used often apart from “She has a deep voice GET IT FELLAS”. It was also thankfully stamped out in Season 3 by explaining it by smoking so.. there’s that at least. Still fucking awful, 2 points sampson. 5. This Didn’t Age Well: GUESS. Also 2 points. 5.  Best Moment: Doc’s resignation at the fact his teenage son say things like “My no no’s hurt” in front of other people was close. But I have to give it to the darth vader fakeout, from even HANK not buying it to the fact Monarch really dosen’t notice he dosen’t.  Deantastic: Dean’s “easily” when Triana asks if this is the most humilating moment of it’s life. It’s one of the first small glances that dean is, and wants to be, the most “normal” of the group.  Questions For Later: The Guild is properly set up for the first time.  First Appearance: 21. SMURFS DON’T LAY EGGS. 

10. Tag Sale- You’re It! Summary: Hard up for cash Rusty gets the OSI’s help in holding a Yard Sale to sell dangerous stuff his dad left behind, attracting every supervilian under the sun for the social event of the season. As Rusty tries to make a buck, Brock sweats security, Hank starts a grinder empire to make his own cash, Dr. O window shops for an archenemy, 21 wastes a lot of money and the Monarch grapples with difficulty arching and taking a dump. My Thoughts: An all time favorite and the episode that launched easily my favorite type of venture bro episode, which I call the tag sale ep. It’s one where a large amount of the cast gathers in one place to hang out, shenanigans happen, and their easily some of the best in the series. Almost every season has one and the first set the high standard for the others to follow.  It also set the standard of their being a plot.. but a lot of the ep just being the characters own subplots going on. Rusty tries to make money, Brock is rightfully antsy this thing is going to explode, 21 and 24 try shopping, The Monarch tries to take a dump before it dovetails into trying to get his mojo back, and Hank enters legend. All fun stuff that comes together for a terrific climax. 

Speaking of Hank, Hank is at his peak here. As I mentioned earlier he could’ve jsut sold lemonade or sammichs.. but chose specifically to set up a grinder restraunt, set it up with specific branding and then treat his sandwitch and sugar water stand like a real business. If previous eps poked and prodded at the real hank, this one yanks him all the way out. 

Aside from that the episode is packed with classic moments: Dr. O’s self promotion, “Girlie Mags”, “I used to dream of taking a whiz on this”, and 21′s humilating lightsaber incident that gets a great callback later. All in all the ep i’d recommend to get people into the show Rusty Sucks Surprising No One: 22. Just some petty dickery this time of trying to sell Dr. O’s weed wacker and the boys stuff without permission. The Tag Sale is honestly one of his better schemes, only backfiring due to outside forces and even then, the ensuing brawl is no worse than usual. Rusty makes it out of the chaos with a pocket full of money, as do Team Hankco presumibly. And he didn’t have to use an orphan’s heart to do it this time. 

Best Moment:Another hard decision, but I have to go with Hankco as a whole. Not really moment but easily one of Hanks finest hours.  Hanktastic:Hankco. True hank has emerged from his coocoon.  Deantastic: The very reason I went back and added these: Dean playing with his mr. microphone. just that head bob, you can’t help but love it.  Questions For Later: Dr. Girlfriend’s history with Phantom Limb is set up for the final two eps and next season, we see St. Cloud LONNNNG before he became an actual charcter, Dr. O’s desire for an arc is seeded, and Hankco first shows up, becoming one of Hank’s running things for the rest o fthe series.  First Appearance:  Phantom Limb, St. Cloud, Plug Guy, That one ghost dude, and Hankco.

11. Past Tense (Pissed in God’s Eye Award Winner) 

Summary: Rusty’s college days are explored as we find out Rusty, White, Brock, Underbeit and even the Monarch all went to school together.. and the former four all tormented the same former friend whose seeking revenge from beyond the dead, kidnapping our “heroes”. It leaves Hank and Dean scrambling for help and turning to the original team venture to set things right.  My Thoughts: When I went into the season, I honestly thought Home Insecurity or Brisby would easily take the crown for worst ep.  But both ended up being good. No the crown goes to an ep that like those I didn’t like when I was younger.. and unlike those still sucks horribly today. Our inagural pissed in god’s eye winner is just a miserable trek. It start’s okay, with Hank boggling at how interconnected venture’s circle is.. but it slowly becomes a parade of flashbacks to Rusty, Pete and Verner making Mike Soryama, based on Mike Yamagata from fargo down to getting the other mike’s actor, miserable. They give the guy oregano that nearly kills him, Pete talks about mike masturbating to his crush on air (Though it did get his show canceled so.. ther’es some justice nit hew orld), Rusty fucked a golem of her in dad (And somehow for once isn’t the worst one here as Mike making an OP golem of his crush is all kinds of creepy), and Brock beat all of them to hell and gets no commpuance for it, also beating up old team venture. The fact Mike himself is a creepy stalker towards Leslie dosen’t help, having gotten himself a restraining order and built creepy sex bots of her. Even I, a guy whose screwed up plenty coming on too strong to women in the past, am horrified at him. 

The Subplot is fine though, properly introducing old team venture even if Poor Otto barely appears after this. But it can’t save the plot and even with what dicks they turn out to be, brock beating them up is still needelsly mean spirited.  Rusty Sucks Surprising No One: 24. Again the DnD thing isn’t that bad, creepy and mean yes but no more creepy than making a golem of someone you have a crush on in a fantasy game. But his laughing at Pete’s bullshit and willingly particpating in the cloves prank, even given how young Doc was at the time, still count.  Sucky Sampson: We’re up to 7. His brutal beating of our heroes over his loosing his scholarship after his tragic muder of his deaf teammate Tommy (not counted here or before because it was a genine tragic mistake that still haunts the guy) and in the present of Old Team Venture easily count as some of Brocks Lowest Points.  Best Moment: “2 years, 3 months and 17 days” “from what?” “A stroke. Goddamn dr.O.  Questions for Later: The Stroke  pays off in the last season.  First Appearance: Otto Aquarius

12. The Trial of the Monarch

Summary: The Monarch goes on trial for murder with Doc gladly sitting in... but brock notices the guild’s fingerprints all over it as the Monarch airs his messy breakup with dr. girlfriend and Phantom Limb plots to get rid of the competition.  My Thoughts: A fan favorite that I think is just fine. That said, I can’t ignore that it’s a watershed episode. The Guild is finally revealed in all it’s shadowy glory, setting up one of the most important part sof the entire series. Phantom Limb makes his move, and we get the start of our first Monarch story arc as the guild sends our villain up the river, Dr. Girlfriend goes back to phantom limb, and the status quo is changed for good. From this point on nothing is set in stone and anything can happen and the show gleefully and slowly progresses, with at least one major shakeup like this at the end of every season. And it’s not the only one but give it a minute.  Packed with solid jokes, worldbuilding, and charcter stuff, this is the show finally having crystalized into what it was alwasy meant to be: a show full of parody but taking it’s characters beyond their basic premises into fully fleshed out fully sad indivduals.  Best Moment: The Cold Open easy. It’s why I didn’t bring it up sooner. It’s a lovely peak into the boys heads, from the fact Hank, Dean and Brock are suddenly Indiana Jones, Magnum PI and Knight Rider, a treasure filled with craft suplies, the monarch feeding orphans to mutant puppies, and of course Mecha Shiva. The fact the boys apparently GENINELY think that they once turned into a mecha shiva gets me every time. I don’t think it was lies or inetnional embleshiment, that’s just how they saw the world. And honestly, how hank still sees it.  Hanktastic: Brock sums up our boy in one perfect line “It’s like he channels dead crazy people”. Hank’s earnest response is what really sells it though.  Questions For Later: We get our first mentions of Monstroso, who ill be brought up a lot in the background at this point. The fact they made him a genuinely interesting character later and not only that but made TWO excellent kingpin analogues is fantastic.  First Appearance: Watch and Ward, The Strangers

13. Return to Spider-Skull Island

Summary: Doc’s weird dreams all season i’m only bringing up now cumilate in the brother he absorbed in the womb coming back for revenge(Charles Xavier knows how you feel man), the boys thinking he’s pregnant and super running away, and the Monarch giving the best scared straight lecture of all time.  My Thoughts: The first finale and while the next 3 would blow it out of the water, it set the foundation of how the series went out each year at it’s best: big stakes, payoffs and a total flipping of the game board for next time. Only seasons 5 and 6 don’t follow this and given their easily the weaker finales, with the following special and season premering three parter functioning as the actual payoff to those seasons, it’s not a GOOD thing. That loose famework is what works here: Doc’s pit up against someone who knows him inside and out, brock’s strapped to a car while dressed as rocky and the boys get blowed up real good. They’ll be fine once ressurectoin protocols kick in.  The jokes and character stuff is great here: Joke wise while the boys thinking their dad is pregnant is pretty stupid, the boys going on the run and dr. o following them as their non embarassing guardian angel is nice and leads to Dr. O trapping too rednecks in a homeboy figurine, easily his best line.  Character wise Rusty once again shows there’s SOME good in him by refusing to let brock kill JJ. Given how bitter and quick to go for an easy solution the guy is, NOT letting brock hurt someone who already tried to kill him is big and pays off karmically down the road. Add in some truly wonderful prison antics with the monarch and you have a classic that would’ve made a great series finale... but thankfully it was only the beginning. 

Best Moment: The Monarch in jail. Everything about that. His endlessly chuckle inducing scared straight rant “your diherrha in a dixie cup” and his frustration when the boys keep taking his attempts to set them straight literally “They’ll chew you up and spit you out.. and I don’t mean mechamouth hank” Questions For Later: We get our first mention of Captain Sunshine and WONDERRR BOYYY. We still don’t know what the hell happened there.  First Appearance: Jonas Venture Junior

C. A Very Venture Christmas Summary/Thoughts: Really should’ve got to this by christmas but here we are. Our last ep for this one. The Ventures throw a christmas party for all their friends and the Monarch plans to blow him up with the baby jesus, while the boys unleash the Krampus. Call Adam Scott! It’s not one of the series BEST outings but it’s a passable christmas special with some good moments. It’s also apparently a dream but also canon. I see it as the party happened, doc and fam got called away, the crash happened, and doc was remebering the party minus the krampus and the explosion actually working in the dream.  Rusty Sucks Surprising No One: Responding to having personal growth in his dream with ‘Thank god i’m not a pussy” 25 to close us out.  Best Moment: “No one wants a dean in the box!”  Hanktastic: First Appearance: Tiny Joseph. 

In Closing:  So that wraps up our first season. Will the boys come back from the dead, will the monarch be stuck in folsom prison, how will doc grapple with a new brother? The answers... are yes, no, and poorly what else is new. Find out how next month! 

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[chemicalmiraclee]

1-134

sorry for the delay my dude i havent been home today

1. name: Jenna

2. age: 20

3. 3 fears: heights, squirrels, talking to people lmao

4. 3 things i love: coffee, working out, girls

5. 4 turn ons: a good connection, good conversation, eyes, smile

6. 4 turn offs: bad listeners, no connection, nothing in common, boys

7. my best friend: Raieeee

8. sexual orientation: gay

9. my best first date: i went to my exes dorm room and we didnt really do much we just layed in bed and watched netflix and talked and enjoyed each others company and it was wholesome and innocent and perfect

10. how tall am i: 5′2

11. what do i miss: a person

12. what time was i born: i have no idea

13. favorite color: tiffany blue or seafoam green

14. do i have a crush: nope

15. favorite quote: “You miss 100% of the shots you dont take.”- Michael Scott

16. favorite place: Montauk, LI

17. favorite food: lately mozzarella sticks

18. do i use sarcasm: sometimes if im feelin moody

19. what am i listening to rn: a band called Homesafe 

20. first thing i notice in a person: uhhh maybe their eyes

21. shoe size: 7

22. eye color: green

23. hair color: dark blonde? light brown?

24. favorite style of clothing: oversized ugly sweaters that were $3 on etsy or like various band merchs

25. ever done a prank call: noo

27. meaning behind my url: its a Moose Blood album

28. favorite movie: i just saw The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo and that was pretty cool

29. favorite song: right now its Houdini by nothing,nowhere.

30. favorite band: lately ive been feelin Have Mercy, but also Sorority Noise

31. How i feel right now: drained, stressed

32. someone i love: my mom, my dog

33. my current relationship status: single as hell

34. relationship with my parents: pretty decent rn but thats rare so that could change 

35. favorite holiday: either christmas or easter

36.  tattoos and piercings i have: lilacs, an arrow and a lotus flower; five on my ears, nipples septum and nose

37. tattoos and piercings i want: im hopefully getting a mountain tattoo soon; im good with piercings fornow but i do want to stretch my ears again

38. reason i joined tumblr: idk im gay and sad

39. do me and my last ex hate eachother: i dont hate him but idk if that feeling is mutual

40. do i ever get goodmorning/night texts: lololololol no?

41. have i ever kissed the last person i texted: nope

42. when did i last hold hands: last night my dog reached for my hand with her paw HA

43. how long does it take to get ready in the morning: not long maybe like 10 minutes 

44. have you shaved your legs in the last three days: yes 

45. where am i right now: bed

46. if i were drunk and cant stand whos taking care of me: raieee

47. do i like my music loud or reasonable: reasonable

48. do i live with my parents:yup

49. am i excited for anything: i get paid this week thats exciting 

50. do i have someone of the opposite sex i can tell everything to: sure

51. how often do i wear a fake a smile: too often

52. when was the last time i hugged someone: today

53. what if the last person i kissed was kissing someone in front of me: i dont care lol

54. is there anyone i trust even though i should not: maybe idk

55. what is something i disliked about today: i didnt have time to work out like usual

56. if i could meet anyone on earth who woul it be: bernie sanders

57. what do i think about most: idk my mind is alwasy racing

58. whats my strangest talent: i can put my leg behind my head

59. strangest phobia: too many to list im scared of everything

60. do i prefer to be behind the camera or infront of it: behind it 

61. what was the last lie i told: idk 

62. do i prefer talking on the phone to chatting online: i hate any form of phone call unless im really comfortable with the person

63. do i belive in ghosts/aliens: ghosts sure but aliens nah

64. do i believe in magic: no

65. doi believe in luck: maybe

66. whats the weather right now: freezing

67. what was the last book i read: Salt by Nayyirah Waheed

68.do i like the smell of gasoline: yes honestly

69. do i have any nicknames: Jenna

70. worst injury ive ever had: nerve damage and 10 stitches in my finger

71. do i spend money or save it: spend

72. can i touch my nose with my tongue: nah

73. is there anything pink in 10 feet from me: yes my victorias secret perfume 

74. favorite animals: lately hedgehogs forwhatever reason

75. what was i doing last night at 12am: probably netflix

76. what do i think satans last name is: this is such a random question

77. whats a song that always makes me happy when i hear it: its basic but riptide is a happy song

78. how can you win my heart: just do all the talking and let me sit there and listen bc i dont like to talk

79. what would i want to be written on my tombstone: here for a good time, not a long time

80. what is my favorite word: bumblefuck

81. my top 5 fav blogs on tumblr: @keepyouinmindfromtimetotime, @keepyouinmindfromtimetotime, so on and so forth (self promotion)

82. if the whole world were listening to me right now what would i say: idk not much

83. do i have relatives in jail: no

84. superpower of choice: mind reading or teleportation

85. what would be a question id be afraid to tell the truth on: oooh idk this could have multiple answers

86. current desktop picture: like marbly blue

87. had sex before: yes 

88. bought condoms: noo

89. gotten pregnant: nope

90. failed a class: lmao yes

91. kissed a boy: yes

92. kissed a girl: many a times

93. kissed in the rain: yes

94. had a job: yes i am a barista 

95. left the house without my wallet: yes

96. bullied someone on the internet: no its usually the other way around

97. had sex in public: uhhhh

98. played on a sports team: yup

99. smoked weed: yes

100. did drugs: nah

101. smoked cigarettes: yuup

102. drank alchol: yes im drunk whle typing this

103. am i vegetarian/vegn: used 2 b

104. been overweight: nope

105. been underweight: very

106. been to a wedding: yes

107. been on the computer for 5 straight hours: yes lmao

108. watched tv for 5 straight hours: yes lmao

109. been out of the country: no :(

110.gotten my heart broken: too many times

111. been to a professional sports game: yup

112. broken a bone: yes

113. cut myself: ya

114. been to prom: no 

115. been in an airplane: yes i hate it

116. fly in a helicopter: no

117. concerts ive been to: too many to list idek

118. had a crush on someone of the same sex: yea haha

119. learned another language: i took italian in hs

120. wore make up: sometimes

121. lost my viriginity before 18: yes

122. had oral sex: sure 

123. dyed my hair: yes its been blue, purple, pink, red, black all of the above

124. voted in a pres election: yes

125. rode in an ambulance: nope

126. had surgery: i dont think so maybe once when i was little

127. met someone famous: yes

128. stalked someone on social media: i mean define stalking. like ive looked through peoples instagrams? 

129. peed outside: literally never

130. been fishing: yup

131. helped with charity: yes!

132. been rejected by a crush: id have to put myself out there to be rejected which i dont do so no

133. broken a mirror: too many times

134. what do i want for my birthday: uhhh idk