#And that makes me so absolutely insane. The game gave him an ex-husband. and then made Marcus 80% of his mindspace CANONICALLY

[alyssabilly17]

Hi guys… I really need to vent so here goes.

Ex husband: So my ex husband has a girlfriend now and they’re moving into an apartment together today. I’m not sad that he’s in a relationship, I don’t have feelings like that for him anymore. However, it is making me very sad that he is putting all of this effort and doing all of these things for this person he barely knows and he couldn’t do even a fraction for me and we’ve been together for almost 7 years. It truly makes me feel like I’m not deserving of any type of love or effort. He’s doing all of these things that I never knew he was capable of. He just wanted me to do everything for him and that’s so frustrating. Again, I wish this didn’t bother me. But it just makes me very sad.

Bf/FP: This one is tough. I don’t know what to do. I love this guy so much. Like I am so head over heels in love with him and I absolutely adore him. I spent the night with him last night and it was so perfect. I was so happy and just being with him was so great. He watched me play one of my favorite games and he was actually into what I was doing. We laughed and joked around and it was just perfect. I felt so happy and content. Today we talked and I knew he wasn’t going to move in this weekend, but he gave me a little bit of hope that maybe it would possibly happen. I tried not to get my hopes up, but me being me it happened anyways. Just for it to get pulled out from under me again. I wish it wasn’t such a big deal, but whenever I’m with him I see my future. I see us living together and being happy and later down the line we get married and we have kids. My family would love him and we would have a happy perfect life together. I don’t want him to feel like I’m pressuring him or anything about moving in, but it’s killing me. The nights we hang out here and then our fairytale is over and I have to take him home to a place where he’s miserable and they treat him terribly instead of him being safe and loved by me? It kills me every single time. He looked so peaceful last night when he was sleeping. He looked so happy and peaceful. I love him so much. Everything is crashing down around me and he’s the only thing stable in my life right now and I feel like I’m going to ruin it. I feel like I’ve been ruining it. I’ve been getting so bad lately and I can’t even tell him about it. I don’t want to make him sad. But the plus side to him not living with me is I can do a lot of damage to myself emotionally and physically and he won’t know. All I have ti do is just take him home right away after work and just not hang out for a while. Which is fine because that’s more time to damage me. Speaking of me.

I can’t do this anymore. It’s been so bad lately. My nightmares. My flashbacks. My hallucinations. My headaches. Hearing things. Feeling things on me. The voices in my head. It’s driving me insane. Every night that I’m home alone is making it worse. It always gets worse around this time. And I can’t straight up tell my bf/fp hey I really need you to move in so I don’t kill myself. That’s not right. That’s not an okay thing to do. I don’t know what to do guys. Right now I cannot stop crying and all I can think about doing is killing myself. I was so hopeful that maybe he would move in this weekend. I don’t know why I thought that. It’s not going to happen. It’s never going to happen. I deserve all the pain and suffering that I have right now. And oh wait what’s that? It keeps getting worse?! I should just kill myself so I don’t have to hear the voices anymore and deal with it anymore? Yes!! Okay. That’s perfect. I will definitely do that. I can’t stop shaking. I can’t stop crying. I can’t get these thoughts out of my head that he’s not happy. I just want to believe that he’s happy and that he loves me. That’s all I want. Why do I believe it some days and not every day? Why am I like this? Why do I have to suffer all these consequences when everyone else got to walk away not harmed at all? I’m upset. I don’t know. I feel so alone right now. I hope I die tonight. I can’t handle this mental pain anymore.

[reecedarlene]

4/20/2018 -  After work, a friend I’m getting closer every day with (by bonding over our toxic relationships with our mothers) came to visit from out of state.  We met, went out to dinner, and I stayed out from 5:30 pm to 9:00 pm (sorry to our waitress)

Then after getting home I played on my Playstation 4 until about 11 pm when my ex who recently found some of my childhood books that apparently have been in the trunk of his car for the last year and a half since we broke up.  I drove over to his house, not knowing just how large the box was.  After retrieving my beloved Animorphs books, we talked.  We talked about everything, good and bad, our lives now, our lives before when we were together, and it was midnight.  So he asked if I just wanted to go get coffee, he’d drive, he’d pay (I didn’t bring my purse he literally lives 20 feet from my apartment).  So we went to get coffee, it was casual, it was safe, but I knew it was inappropriate.  I couldn’t help it, I’m so fed up with my current boyfriend and it doesn’t matter how many times I try to leave him he just won’t go...  I got home that night at 3 am

4/21/2018 -  I had set an alarm the previous night to get up at 9 am because of a “$5 a Bag” booksale at the local library.  The alarm went off, and even though I am usually ecstatic on weekends when the boyfriend isn’t there because it means I can do whatever I want without having him checking in on me and being upset I’m not spending time with him.  But that 9 am alarm went off and I was Just So Tired.

I woke up feeling exhausted, conflicted, and overwhelmed.  Like a 25 year old failure for sitting in this 2-bedroom apartment I can barely afford and do not  need, with more debt than I can manage, in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love me or respect me enough to Just Get A Job, and I just didn’t want to get out of bed.  But I knew if I didn’t get out of bed, if I just laid there and put on Friends reruns and stayed under my soft blanket - I’d hate myself.

So I got out of bed.  I put on a Boy Meets World T-shirt, and brushed my hair, and I went to the book sale.  I had other plans that day, too.  Meeting with a friend for Bubble Tea, going thrift shopping, it was a day filled with all of my favorite things.  But even as I was skimming through book spines I wanted to go home.  I was waiting for a text from my - notoriously flaky - friend saying “So sorry, girl, but I’m so busy, I can’t do Bubble Tea today” but it didn’t come.  Instead I got text from my boyfriend, complaining that his friends “value the Magic Card Game more than his friendship, that he wants to just come back tonight, that he hates being away from me, that he hates being around his mom, hates his fake friends, hates everything”.

“I’m sorry :( “ I texted back because what can I say?  What can I do?  I can’t fix what’s wrong, I can’t fix how he feels, I barely got out of bed this morning.  So I filled my bag, I paid my $5, the guy who accepting my cash tried to goad me into buying more books but I know in my heart, I shouldn’t have even bought these books seeing as how I have books I bought in 2003 I still haven’t gotten around to reading...

I got in my car, and it was a beautiful spring day.  60 degrees in Michigan, no rain clouds, no threat of snow, the sun was out, there was a breeze, you could keep all the car windows down.  A day like this would usually make me so happy.  But I checked my phone again, still hoping for a cancellation text.  “Hey, girl, what time are we meeting?”  “Is 2:00 too late?”  “No that’s fine :) “  The clock read 11:45 am.

So I texted another friend, a friend in a volatile relationship, a friend who’s kids I had found books at the sale for anyway, so I texted her “Hey, can I swing by for a few?  Just to drop off books and kill some time?”  “Absolutely I’ll be home in 10″.  So I went, spent 2 hours talking to her, her husband, her kids, and petting her Australian Shepard.

A third friend texted “What are you doing today?”  “Meeting for Bubble Tea at 2″  “Can I come?”  “Sure!  Pick you up at 1:45″  This might seem insane, already I’ve socialized with 6 people in a 24 period of time but this is me, this is my element, and usually I’d be so excited but I still just want to go home, get back under my covers, order in food, and ignore the Friends reruns on Netflix.

I pick up the friend, I drive to the city where the Bubble Tea is sold, and the friend I’d been waiting on all day to cancel plans says “I’m running behind but I’ll be there.”  So we sat in my car for an hour, windows, down, talking about all that’s wrong in our lives so that by the time the friend I initially made these plans with shows up, I’m talked out.  But I still want Bubble Tea, so we still go in, we order, we talk until 5:00 pm

Flaky friend and I had planned to go thrift shopping, but now she’s saying she’s going to her mom’s after tea to go watch The Greatest Showman.  I don’t complain, because I expected something like this, and the other friend is with me anyway so we’ll just go like we always do anyhow.  So we say our goodbyes after continuing to talk outside for 30 minutes.  Then the friend I picked up and I go out to eat, go to a few stores, and I finally get to go to bed without feeling guilty - 9:00 pm. 

But when I walk in the door, I remember...the cat needs wet food today, and the rats’ cage needs cleaning which I tell myself I’ll do tomorrow, I need to go pick up my birth control, I tell myself I’ll do that tomorrow, I need to do laundry - I’m 3 weeks deep and I’m out of underwear and clean pants.  I know that if I don’t do my laundry tonight there’s a really solid chance I won’t do it tomorrow...so I start laundry.  I tell myself I’m being smart.  My apartment building has 3 washing machines and 3 dryers, if I just haul down all of my clothes I can certainly get 3 loads done in 2 hours and it’ll only be 11:00 pm and I can feel good knowing it’s done.

After I put soap and clothes in all three washers I realize...one of the washers is jammed and won’t accept quarters.  So my single cycle plan turned into two cycles because the clothes are already soapy and down there.  I finish laundry, washed, dried, folded, and put away at 1:00 am

4/22/2018 -  Sunday morning, with no alarms, I wake up at 9:30 a.m.  I have a "Good morning” text from my boyfriend.  I know that if I check Facebook and the “Active” sign lights up and I don’t text him he’ll ask too many questions about why I didn’t text him when I first woke up.  “Good morning, how’d you sleep?”  “Like shit.  You?”  “Ok I guess.”  “When is your friend coming over?”  “IDK she’s spending time with her grandma first.”  “Oh, okay.  I guess my friends are coming.  No one said anything to me.  I’m pissed.  I don’t want them here.”  “I’m sorry.  I just texted my friend, guess she’ll be here at 2″  “Cool”

He stopped texting for a while, which I was thankful for.  I knew I didn’t have anything I had to do until 2 pm.  So I didn’t get out of bed.  I didn’t even get up to pet the cat, see the rats, check their food or water, I just turned on Friends reruns and let myself fall naturally in and out of consciousness.  Around 11 pm another text came through “How are you baby?”  “Fine.  You?”  “Okay, bored.”  “I”m sorry”

I knew I had to get up, I told myself I’d clean the rats’ cage today.  It wouldn’t be fair to let it go a 3rd week because I’m depressed and don’t want to do it.  So I got up, I put the rats in their play pen, I changed their bedding, wiped down their cage, replaced some fleece covering the wire platforms, moved things around, fresh food, fresh water, and put them back in their homes.  I cleaned the cat’s litter box, put in new litter, gave her wet food and fresh water.  Washed my hands and decided to reward my efforts with Wendy’s.  

So I changed my clothes, even put on a bra, but no socks, and drove the 8 minute round trip to Wendy’s for chicken sandwiches and fruit tea.  I brought my reward back to bed.  I checked my phone, hoping my friend would be too tired to come over after seeing her grandma, too busy, too much to finish on a Sunday.  She didn’t.  So after I ate I just laid back down in bed and waited until 1:30 pm when I did get a text.  “Done early!  Can I be there in ten?”  “Sure :) “ and I finally got up and went to sit on the couch for the first time all day.

It was good that she came, we talked, caught up on the months it’d been since we’d seen each other.  I didn’t know how long she’d stay, when 8 pm rolled around I was surprised.  I was trying to hold out until 10 pm so I could suggest going to Applebee’s for half off appetizers since I hadn’t ate since noon.  Around 8:30 I get a call from another set of friends asking if I wanted extra company and a surprise.  I didn’t really...but my curiosity got the best of me, since the friend refused to tell me who the surprise guests would be.

When they got there, with a Monster Energy I requested, I saw a friend I hadn’t seen in person since 2009.  I was so excited to see him, and his husband, and everyone else.  My apartment felt full and homey and good.  But there was still this part of me that wanted to go to bed.  But I pushed through like I’d been doing all weekend, because I was also so very excited to see this person who lives out of state who I very well may never see again.  We all talked, caught up, reminisced.  The friend who had been there since 2 stayed far later than even she had intended.  Suddenly it was midnight and of course everyone was tired and worn out and it was time to go.  The first friend stayed a little while longer, I wasn’t trying to push her out the door, but then it was 1:00 am and we both knew we’d regret being up any later.

I didn’t mention to my boyfriend a few things this weekend.  I didn’t mention my ex.  I know he’d have told me to forget the books, that seeing my ex wasn’t worth it, that I’d be disrespecting him.  Maybe he’s right, maybe that’s a fair assessment but I just didn’t care.  And I didn’t want to fight about it.  I didn’t tell him my friend tagged along for Bubble Tea.  It’s harmless, but he always acts - strange - when I don’t tell him every detail of what happens when he’s not around.  I didn’t tell him 4 more people showed up at my apartment Sunday night.  For the same reason as above but also 2 of the people are in a homosexual relationship, which shouldn’t mean anything, but it does to him.  Or he’d say, gay or not, there were 2 “strange” men in my apartment when he wasn’t there.  And even more, one of those men is transgender.  He’d have so much to say.  And that on top of all of his already hateful texts to me about his own true friends.  I just didn’t want the fight.  And even if it shouldn’t be a fight, it would become one and I was just so tired.

But since I was lying by omission...I had to clean the apartment.  Put away extra chairs and games pulled out for the bigger group.  Hide all evidence of there being more than one visitor that day.  Because I just didn’t want the hassle of him questioning things when he came back the next day.

I finally got to bed at 3 am.  The excitement having worn off, and just being so fucking thankful to have a nice cool bed with a nice soft blanket to get into after this weekend.  Wishing there was some way to stop 8 am from coming.

[becbibliophile]

#FriendstoLovers 

After catching her husband in a compromising position, the last thing that Finley Granger wants is to enter the insanity that is the dating world. She’s dealing with enough upheaval: she’s quit her job as a journalist in Atlanta to start over as a librarian in the backwoods town of Green Valley, Tennessee. But her grandmother has other ideas. When GramBea teams up with her sister, Dot, and their best friend, Estelle, Finley finds herself surrounded by a trio of well-meaning yet incredibly bumbling matchmakers.

In spite of their efforts, there’s only one man she’s curious about, and that’s Zeke Masters, the library’s volunteer IT specialist. Sure, he’s 6’4”, impossibly built, ridiculously good-looking, and gets her nether regions tingling. However, it’s the tingle of her journalist spidey-senses that holds her attention most as she wonders why he’s on sabbatical from Seattle. Is he on the lam, or on the run from a bad relationship?

As Finley finds herself reluctantly drawn to the gorgeous IT guy, she can’t help but wonder: should she indulge in a little rebound fun with the mysterious Zeke – or has she finally met her match?

GOODREADS | AMAZON

MY THOUGHTS

Can I just say… I’m am loving ALL the Green Valley Library reads in the Smarty Pants Romance Series. Who knew a library in small-town Tennessee could be so fun! LOL.

Katie always takes me on a literary ride that I don’t want to hop off. I loved this book about a woman- Finley Granger, who is trying to redefine herself and open herself up to the one thing that she now knows was missing in her life… LOVE. After catching her husband in an affair, she decides to move in with her Grandmother, Godmother and Great Aunt. Let the fun begin.

There were moments… OH MY was I ever laughing so hard. I was reading at my son’s football practice and got some good stares. I just couldn’t stop laughing. And HOLY HOTNESS – Zeke Masters ticked off everything I love in a hero. I feel all of us can find a little bit of Finley in ourselves and my heart hurt for her and all that she was going through. But ZEKE!!!! Well, he makes it all better!

A super fun read! Loved it so much. It can totally be read as a standalone – but I highly recommend all the books in the Series!

#ContemporaryRomance #EmotionalRead

Choosing Us:

What do you do when you meet your soulmate at seven-years-old?

You give… You live… And you love… Together. Forever. To have and to hold.

Until you hear the words, “I just don’t love you anymore.”

Putting an end to me. To you.

To us.

Choosing You:

A single glance. A fleeting moment. A solitary touch could make everything worth it. This was my breaking point. This was where I lost myself completely. I did the only thing that made sense. The only thing I had left to give. I begged her…

To take me with her.

GOODREADS

BOOK ONE:  AMAZON | B&N | APPLE BOOKS | KOBO

At the time of posting Book One is currently FREE on all platforms

BOOK TWO: AMAZON | B&N | APPLE BOOKS | KOBO



MY THOUGHTS

I couldn’t really make just one book as my top reads because this duet is just that a Duet. You must read book one to get book two. And let me tell you these books blew me away.

This was my first read from Monica and it absolutely blew me away. There isn’t much I can say about the books without giving away the whole plot. But these books have so many twists and turns, you won’t want to put the book down until you’ve read them both!.

#SecondChanceRomance 

Love at first sight.

That’s what it was when Rip Myers came up to me in kindergarten. From that point on, we were inseparable best friends.

When I work up the courage to tell Rip I love him, I am met with rejection. He tells me he treasures our friendship too much. That statement might as well be a knife to my heart.

I want to hold out hope that he’ll change his mind.

Instead, he moves on.

The only choice I have is to pretend that doesn’t slay me.

So, I say yes…to the man I love. But he isn’t the man I’ve been in love with nearly my entire life.

GOODREADS | AMAZON | B&N | APPLE BOOKS | KOBO

MY THOUGHTS

Let me just say that I get giddy anytime a Kelly Elliott book hits my eReader. And this book was one of my most anticipated! If you haven’t read Kelly, she writes amazingly epic family saga, Texas romance novels.

This book was special because we got to see a next-generation from the Cowboys and Angels series – all grown up. But don’t let that stop you from reading this book, because the book can be read without having read the previous books.

I had some truly big laugh out loud moments and this book was so much fun. I highly recommend this series and any series by Kelly.

When I read one of Kelly’s books I feel like I’m home. I sink into her books and just relish each moment I have with these characters.

#Frenemies #BossRomance #Forbidden

It started out like any normal day.

Then the fender bender happened.

The guy I collided with drove an expensive car and was drop-dead gorgeous. Too bad he was also a total jerk. We argued over whose fault it was and any other thing that came out of his condescending mouth.

Eventually, the police came and we went our separate ways. The insurance companies would have to figure things out. I had a job interview to get to anyway—one I was excited about.

Though that excitement changed to disappointment the moment the person interviewing me walked in. The guy from the accident.

Whoops!

Yeah, so I didn’t get the position.

The problem was, I really wanted it. No, I needed it. Anything to get me out of my current career and back into working with kids.

So, even though Hollis LaCroix was as intimidating as he was devastatingly handsome, I went back to see him and begged for a chance.

To my surprise, he gave me a shot taking care of his troubled niece.

At least my attraction to him wouldn’t be able to go anywhere. I wasn’t about to jeopardize my job or the strong bond Hailey and I formed.

But resisting the magnetic pull between us wasn’t that simple. (Then there was our little underwear game—don’t ask.)

We continued to flirt without crossing the line—until it finally happened.

This is the part of the story where we fall in love and live happily ever after, right?

Well, life has a way of throwing some major curveballs.

Ours was one I didn’t see coming.

GOODREADS | AMAZON 

MY THOUGHTS

Hands down one of the best books yet from this dynamic duo. They just have the right recipe for a book that will have you laughing one minute and ripping your heart out the next.

Hollis and Elodie (Ok I admit, it took me waaaaayyyyy too long to figure out how to pronounce her name – Was it E LO DEE or Melolie without the M — ARRRGH) were the perfect match and I kinda figured out the big twist a little early on… but even with all of that, this book was still perfection.

Hollis is a workaholic, love scorned, douchcanoe. He needs to find a nanny to help him with his 11-year-old niece, whom all of a sudden is living with him after her dad was placed in prison.

Elodie needs a change in her career. She thinks that she would be the perfect match for Hollis’ niece Hailey since she grew up in a similar situation. She’s also love scorned and has sworn off men. At least until she meets Hollis.

The banter and sexual tension between these two are OFF THE CHARTS. I was crying laughing at the games these two would play and I just couldn’t put the book down.

5 PLUS STARS!!! I’m an addict for these two when they collaborate and hope this never ends!

#BestFriendsSister #Forbidden #RomCom

What happens when the cute mountain man you made out with, in an ice fishing shack turns out to be your brother’s best friend?

A whole lot of awkward, that’s what.

Maggie’s mind is reeling when she discovers the guy she became tangled up with at Marv’s Bait & Tackle isn’t a stranger like she thought.

The big snag: Sam and Maggie’s chemistry is hot enough to melt ice, which makes keeping their secret far more difficult than either expected.

Especially when one of them decides they want this arrangement to be more than just a catch and release.

GOODREADS | AMAZON

MY THOUGHTS

This was an audible read for me. This book was fantastic. First off, Amy Daws is hilarious. Her words keep me laughing and smiling and I was crazy about this book. Second, the audio actors were amazing! I usually hate when the actors have to go from their voices to those of the opposite sex but Erin and Teddy did a great job of not annoying me with horrible transitions. LOL. And speaking of the actors – I fell in love with this story because it was so well performed.

Sam meets a girl in the bait shop that is obviously off her rocker. But she’s cute and funny and so he decides to help her on her quests to become less “plain” and more exciting for her ex-boyfriend whom she knows will soon become hers again once she shows him how adventurous she can be. What Sam never expected was that Maggie was really Megan, his best friend’s little sister who still thinks she’s with her “boyfriend”.

Sparks fly between Sam and Maggie and soon she finds that Sam is maybe a more perfect fit for her than the ex.

This book kept me rolling in laughter and I loved it so much. If you are looking for an entertaining, hilarious listen or read- then this is the book for you.

COME BACK TOMORROW FOR MORE GREAT READS!!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Top Reads of 2019 / Books 25-21 on today's list @KatieAshleyLuv @AuthorMRobinson @author_kelly @PenelopeAuthor @ViKeeland and once again - @amydawsauthor. Check out the blog and enter to win an Amazon GC! #FriendstoLovers  After catching her husband in a compromising position, the last thing that Finley Granger wants is to enter the insanity that is the dating world.