#And that doesn’t mix well with social anxiety and general akwardness

[noctilionoidea]

having ear issues can be so awkward because someone is trying to be nice to me and I really want to know them but they’re softspoken and we’re in the cafeteria’s vicinity and I can’t hear a single thing they say. I’m so sorry I promise it’s not your accent or your name being different I just can’t hear you at the moment

[kanaruaizawa16]

I understood that day.

TW: Emotional abuse, anxiety issues, toxic relationships, emotional repression, school bullying, low self-steem, interiorized mysoginia, admired people-related trauma, real life management problems, blaming on mentally ill people, several ways of social oppression and supporting on oppresors

There is a part of me I regret deeply, of my past and I learned how harmful it was with the crazy circunstances of this year.

Way before of joining Tumblr, I was a coldhearted antifangirls. I was young and lost, I suffered deeply before due all my other issues (school bullying, the “idolizer” accusation shit, blablabla), and I found on the stoicism and pretended coolness of another human being, a very troubled one, the approving and learning I thought I needed. Self-control, coolness, “maturity” and “perfection”.

That human being was in the end nothing like that.

I commited a severe mistake in 2007, one year after of meeting her. To join her cause, in another fandom, as result of a personal quarrell with an obsessive fangirl who apart of needing urgently a good treatment for learn to accept reality (her favourite fictional character will never look at her because it doesn’t exist on first place), she was a human trash, a treacherous, plagiarizer and a person who bullied and blamed mentally ill people. But that woman I met, who was my friend, the one who wanted to exterminate the fangirls, was not any better. Toxic, rigid, pretentious, and sadly very violently normative and puritan regarding sexuality and faith. Have you known these people who are so proud of the rejection to body and feelings? She was that kind of person. Have you known these kind of women who think that if they are so “rational” like the masculine they will be respected and that’s why they reject things who are associated with women because “being a woman is bad”? Something like that.

I learned she was another anti-emotions, repulsive and sad person. I understood it years after of meeting her. But by then, I had already interiorized so much shit.

I left her seven years ago, I couldn’t deal with her anymore, her shit was too much, she needed and still needs urgently to mature. I don’t regret any single second of it. But the damage was done. I admired her, she looked so strong, so cool when I was so young. I wanted to be like her. But I realized after of leaving her, I was wrong.

One of the reasons I opened Tumblr, was for learning slowly to manage the emotions I had “forbidden”, but I still would see certain feelings as wrong.

I learned to accept it more or less with fictional characters (after of all it’s a joke, I always take it as joke, for keep my sanity), and partially with sportspeople. I say partially because... I know very well the reason I fell on the hands of a toxic person like that woman. I know how lost and desperated I was of being accepted and recognized by others as intelligent and cool. I know rejection and despise. I know the hatred I developed against myself, all because some people just found funny to use my appreciation to Ayrton Senna just for bully me and destroy me. And the people who was cruel with me, pointing out my “religious incoherence”, and afterwards how “stupid” I am. I was so desperated of being recognized as cool because of it. That woman never knew my disgrace nor my burden, but still she tried to make this young teenager at her stinky image. I was... so weak... I was doing so partially well on tumblr and learning slowly. But later the fuckin’ abusive guy named Antonio. That manipulative Senna-hater. The relapse and all that shit. The anger I developed against everything in 2014 when I realized Antonio’s sexism and his “Kanaru should hate Senna because I am a fuckin’ know-it-all” hidden agenda... and the internal battle I have because the weird mix of my unconditional affects towards Ayrton and the hatred I developed to his “perfect” image because it turned out to be a lie.

I struggle a lot on show emotions. I struggle on show affection or admiration, in general. But apart of my issue with Ayrton, there is another area who is affected with this and my 2007 times...

...Admiring musicians.

If you wanna know how much of troubled and fucked up is my historial on emotional repression, is my (damaged) relationship with visual kei fandom. I entered there in 2008, but I was still on that cause anti-fangirls, so I could never could get along with people and I was also prone to pretentious idiots. I know why I never could fit in and why I could never relate well with the people of there. I hated most of the women who were in the fandom, because of being fangirls, mostly. Because of obsessed and deluded and it did not help at all to know shit of the bad side of visual kei as musical industry, and in general of Japanese music industry. And there are also people I hate for valid reasons, like most of the people of Colombian Street Team of Versailles, because of pampering a racist, fatphobic bully.

It did not help to be overly conscious of the delusion and distance dynamics with Japanese rock bands. I remember how much I put effort on being “good” and avoid to show overloaded emotions in the meet&greet of the live in Colombia of Versailles in November 9th. Or how awkward and clumsy I was in May 29th 2015 on the solo live of Kamijo when I took the two-shot cheki photo with him. I look akward because of my problems, despite of my smile. All because of being emotionally blocked. All because I wanted to prove I am not a deluded fangirl. I wanted to prove to myself and to others, even to people who hated me, even to my “normal-not-fans-of-nobody-too-busy” parents, despite they did not really care much and actually they did never actually forbide me of being more emotional. 

I was... maybe... unable of enjoy at full because of my fear.

I regret of it.

I realized it this year.

The damage due my desperation on avoiding to fangirling, and understimating my criteria and sense of intelligence so desperately became very visible to me recently.

I don’t know if it was surviving and getting rid of two major abusive and toxic “friendships”, despite I developed certain degree of anxiety issues and insecurity, apart of the long-term damage I have of other issues... or realizing I have a chance of after of so many years of my life of showing affection without fearing.

Life gave me a chance. And honestly a big one.

When the bassist of my favourite Spanish-speaking band sent me that voice message thanks to a friend in June 24th, I understood it. I already had a intuition of that being so cold was not good idea, since before, when I realized I have a crush on him and he’s my platonic lover. But that day I understood.

I understood I’ve lost ten years of my life and I damaged greatly the posibility of having a proper emotional development because of a mistake due of my desperation of acceptation.

I had to endure this bullshit of my past. I had to experience a deep grudge and feel a great rage of what happened. But also I found the loving support of people. My long-term friends and the people of Kraken fanclub. I can feel such respect and love. I’m glad of having such amazing people at my side, and bit to bit for me to recover. And gather courage of a lot of things.

Like for example to accept the offer of meet my crush on a casual, calm situation. I would never miss that chance now. My heart was given a chance, of course I would accept it.

I am not the person of that time of years ago. I probably I would’ve been wary and cold and reject it in 2011. But now, I am glad of having accepted the chance life gave me.

And for me, thanks to this, I realized the person I was had gone for good.

I am happy I can let it go this part. I still have a lot of battles, but this one, I think I’ve won it. It’s thanks to the courage and positive feelings I can do this. Maybe, while drown on my hatred and sadness I would never be able of see the problem.

I am thankful of life due this.

I understood what I truly needed now.