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slay00ryu · 2 months ago

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Ronin x AFAB reader who has really bad period cramps 🧐? Could be headcanon format or fic, depends on what you want if you’re up for it. Just the imagery of reader usually being very into Ronin’s brand of madness and falling into it and being very active on server, but when they’re on their period they just do not enter the server at all and are avoidant because they’re in so much pain. Idk if I verbalized this well. 🙏 don’t worry about this, ignore it if it is an uncomfortable request !

Devil's Special Care.

(writing this shit while on a period btw)

Ah yes, being born in a female body.

What a beautiful fate it was, you matured way faster than people who are biologically male, you didn't wake up with a bulge in your pants first thing in the morning and... uh well these are the only things that are actually good for you. You could name every negative aspect for hours and the list would be never ending.

But amongst all of the terrible things, there was your true nightmare. Period. Or more specific its way of affecting your life. Cramps, hormones acting up, weight gain, bleeding, and a few more that you didn't want to remember.

Yes, "this time of a month" wasn't your favourite thing. Especially with how it changed your habits, way of living and how social you were.

Usually by now, you would be online in the serial killer group chat, getting on V's nerves with Misaki, gossiping about Ronin with Angel, or talking to your boyfriend Ronin thought a video call. Unfortunately, none of the above was happening.

You were laying all curled up in your bed, holding your stomach and cursing Eve for eating that stupid apple.

You can't exactly blame the poor woman for following the Devil's words, you are doing the exact same thing. But instead of a talking snake, you got yourself a deranged serial killer who just loves to test your limits and annoying you every chance he gets.

Well today was different, you were offline, no calls, no texts, nothing. He got a little bit troubled to say the least, not even a "sorry busy today" text, just plain silence on your side. And would Ronin be himself if he just accepted your sudden silence? Of course not.

The Devil arrived at your doorstep, the spare keys to your house in one hand, and some take out food in the other, he figured that you could be either sick, drowned under your work or a new book idea, or that you could as well just eat something for lunch.

He was walking though your house, reaching your bedroom. He could hear some whimpers coming from behind the door. It made his brows furrow, he was definitely worried now. He opened the door, stepped into the room and locked around.

He spotted you, whimpering and all curled up in your bed. You looked in pain, and somehow Ronin immediately knew what was going on. He too had to deal with this before his transition.

Ronin snooped around your room for a while to find your hot water bottle so you could press it to where it hurts.

"Hey darling, did you eat anything?" He pressed a gentle kiss to your forehead, an unusual gesture for him.

You shook your head in response, not even looking at him.

"You have to eat, so then you can take some pain killers babe." He said and got up from the bed. "I have food for you, should I feed you?"

Ronin was surprisingly very caring. Offering to feed you, and doing so. Making sure that you will take every medicine you may need, cuddle with you and an eye on you to see how you're doing.

He was really attentive and understanding, he didn't even tease you. You were in need of comfort not a bully boyfriend.

Such a Good and Caring Lover the Devil Turns Out to Be.

#killer chat #fanfic #fluff #afab reader

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queen-diamond-serenity · 1 year ago

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Dutch, Arthur, John. What are their big three?

So here's something I've been wanting to play around with for a while being that I'm a big astrologist nerd and was a former New Ager who was into tarot cards and did tarot readings. While I basically gave up all the other stuff I never could really let go of astrology it's always been something that I've been infatuated with. I do believe and it's authenticity being that quantum physics does back it.

Wow most people always know what their sun sign is they don't know their other placements like such as their moon sign their ascendant sign what placement their Mercury is in or their Venus or their Saturn. A lot of people are unaware of their natal charts and most people don't get their natal charts done because they are unaware of natal charts and what they are.

For people who don't know what a natal chart birth chart is I'll explain.

A horoscope is an astrological chart or diagram representing the positions of the Sun, Moon, planets, astrological aspects and sensitive angles at the time of an event, such as the moment of a person's birth.

Here below is a visual example of what our birth charts look like. Not everybody's birth chart looks the same because not everybody has the same zodiac placements some may have the same or similar placements but I can't say how often that happens it depends.

This is not mine this is a random natal chart I got offline. I wouldn't really share my natal chart information with anyone. And there's reasons for this because when I was dealing with the new age Community while I was on YouTube I figured out something about the natal chart. And how personal it is. Basically what I come to understand about them is they are basically our souls Social Security card and or birth certificate. It is our soul contract for whatever particular lifetime we are entertaining at the moment. I am a firm believer in past lives I am a very spiritual woman and I have since I was a child could pick up on some past life memories but all of that is a story for another day. The reason why I needed to get this out of the way is because I as a fan fiction writer I create characters and I love creating them with such detail and building a connection and a relationship with them from their hair color, their race, their family background, their favorite food their likes their dislikes. And even I often have this thing of wondering what their birth charts or natal charts would look like I do this with my own characters I create and other fictional characters that are not my own.

And of course in particular from Red Dead Redemption I've already played around with a few characters concerning what their natal chart would look like not the full natal chart yet I have yet to figure out where other placements would lie that would satisfy my curiosity with their personalities. As of right now I've been only dealing with their big three. What are the big three? The big three placements in the natal chart is going to be your sun sign which is the sign that everybody knows it's the sign that's associated with the month that you were born if you were born May 2nd you are obviously a taurus. For example.

But in order to know your other placements you would have to get a birth chart done. That's dealing with your other two which are a part of the big three that is your moon and your Rising sign. I'm going to tell you what my big three are. Mine's is sun and Aquarius Moon and Leo rising and sagittarius. And I have Aries that goes into three different placements in my needle chart. That's where y'all see this fiery passionate side of my personality coming at at times. That Aries placement is strong in me and it makes me very competitive when it comes to debate as an Aquarian woman and Aquarius people are natural born debaters. And then when you got that Aries placement especially when it's in Mars it's very strong. Aries are very competitive people.

So with the first three in Red Dead Redemption I've been pondering on is Dutch, John and Arthur.

Based off of my observations and the personality traits their characteristics and whatnot this is what I would consider in my opinion to be in their big three placements I'm going to start off with John.

Now there are already websites that deal with guessing the sun sign placements for each Red Dead Redemption character. I agree with some of them. Especially with the sun sign John is under. Like you can see it all

So for John what I see is sun in Libra, his Moon placement in Scorpio and his ascendant/rising I see Sagittarius.

The more I have studied astrology the more I see physical characteristics of the zodiac sign for example I could see a person who is a Taurus from a mile away there are certain physical characteristics that Taurus carrie's. I didn't even know about other zodiac placements back when I was younger and when I found out about him I said my moon is probably in Leo because at times I did feel like a Leo and lo and behold when I did my first natal chart years ago on myself I seen that my placement was under a full moon in leo. Which explains my love for full moons I love the moon but out of all moon phases the full moon has always been my favorite.😊

When I look at John it's something about his face and how he looks it just it just strongly is glowing with that Scorpio Moon energy. He definitely has scorpionic energy in him he definitely does. Especially when he was flirting with Karen. The way he was so brazen about how he wanted her within that moment of being drunk. And then when you want to take the rising sign in him into consideration being that I placed it under sagittarius. Sagittarius are known to be Drinkers and Partiers. I should know my best friend growing up is was a Sagittarius and I'm telling you that girl could party and I have a sibling that's also a Sagittarius and he can drink and party his ass off to. So I'm telling you what I know I'm not knocking them I'm just saying I know if you want to have a good time and and a person that's going to be the life of the party hook up with a Sagittarius friend or boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever the case may be whoever they are in your life especially if they are a non-toxic one it's them. Also with the Libra placement being in sun, some people like to say that Libras don't make great parents. I have a mother who's a Libra she has her pros and her cons I love her very much I think she did good job in the best she could with what she had. But when a Libra is out of place like John was he displayed those traits of not being a Hands-On parent very well the way I know Libras can be at times as parents. But the thing is he did his best to step up to the plate in the end. And when Libra parents are great I can contest that they are great parents when they are great parents. And I can't give credit to how he was with Karen to his Moon placement being in Scorpio because Libra men are known to be big ass cheaters. So with the way he was with Karen it didn't surprise me especially when you put those two placements together. All three of those to be honest. And when we also are going with physical characteristics of the Libra in him it's also in the smile and it's also in the gentleness of his eyes. Libra men have this powerful tendency to have a very inviting energy and warm aura about them. You have to remember Libra is ruled by Venus. So they do have a natural charm to them. Without even trying. I mean we can use Bonnie from the first RDR game as an example look how she fell for him and he wasn't even gunning for her in any kind of way. She had said that Abigail was a lucky woman. He just have that natural charm that Libras have that make you fall in love with them when they weren't even trying to do that or lead you on. But for the ones who are low vibrational they can be the biggest cheaters. Once a Libra evolves they become better in their maturity over time. It's so heartbreaking that it was snatched away from him after everything he worked on how he tried to change and work for his self he lost his life anyway. I wasn't planning on leaving this on a Bittersweet note but hey I'm air so sometimes I just have to go with the flow you know.

✨️✨️✨️✨️

Next up is Dutch now some websites Place him under Pisces for his sun placement. But for me if there is a piscian placement in his chart I would probably place it in Saturn or also in his Mercury. More so in his mercury. Mercury deals with your mind and your intellect your intelligence. Pisces people are dreamers and they talk very big and passionate about their dreams. His Mercury could also fall under Aquarius as well. But for his sun sign I'm going to have to say sagittarius. Which would be interesting if we're going to put John's rising sign placement under Sagittarius could be why they are mirroring each other notice they are the two from the very beginning and the game that bump heads. And it could also explain why the two had a close relationship as John was coming up because they could have possibly married each other so themselves and each in some areas. But that's his sun sign I see a Sagittarius his moon sign I'm going to have to go with Taurus Moon and a rising Cancer. When I observe him as far as his big three go that's the energy I'm picking up with him. I mean if you guys are into astrology on this level and magnitude you can always add your two cents in I don't mind I'm just doing this for fun. Because I love Red Dead Redemption and I love astrology I have a passion for both so I decided to play around with it. But that sun sign with him I definitely am picking up a Sagittarius energy. I know a lot of people like the place ego with Leo but what a lot of people don't understand is that all three fire signs Aries Sagittarius and Leo display that ego and arrogance we all talk about. It's just that it is expressed in three different ways. For example Aries is fire and a Leo would be a volcano and a Sagittarius would Express their Fire Element through Steam. I am around quite a bit of Sagittarius and I can tell you Dutch strongly displays sun in Sagittarius man. I know y'all like to give it to Leo but let another fire sign shine for a chance. Lol. Even though I place him under a fire sign I will say that he may possibly have some strong earth and water placements running around in his natal charge somewhere I have yet to do more observation on his personality that would give me other placements about him to finalize on that. But what gives me a ankling that he has a lot of earth and water placements is that he spent so many years of his life being calm until the damn broke until he became this big ass earthquake that became unstable after being held back for so long and then trauma and pressure and everything else in between just broke him. Earth and water signs they can take a lot for many many years decades even on top of decades. Especially water signs. Water signs are very calm and very fluid you can keep them solid as ice but for so long until eventually somehow it will melt that's the thing about water you can hold water but for so long but it will eventually find a way to escape. And when water is Unleashed it can be very scary. Water is a very terrifying element. Because once it's wrath is conjured there's no escape from it. I already did place his rising sign as cancer. Now when you research zodiac forensic because they actually have done forensic criminal studies on each zodiac sign and cancer happens to be one of the biggest incarcerated zodiac sign for multiple killings most of them being crimes a passion. I put Dutch as a rising cancer but I'm wondering where any other water placements could be where he's acting out in that area. Maybe a water placement going in his Mars or in his Mercury or maybe in his Pluto. Back to his Sagittarius placement. Sagittarius are just very passionate about their beliefs and about their goals. One thing about Sagittarius they are go-getters and when they have a goal they vow to finish it. And when they feel like that baby that they were dedicated to fell under it devastates them. I didn't know this would be this long and I'm losing room to write it only lets you exceed but so many characters so I have to do Arthur in another one. So stay tuned.

#red dead redemption 2 #rdr2 #dutch van der linde #john marston #arthur morgan

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psychelis-new · 9 months ago

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sometimes i dont know how we are expected to enjoy something in this economy or in modern society where people seem to only really care if its about a rich person or someone whos popular or pretty and attractive. for instance if celeb passes away its such a huge deal but if its one of us it doesnt matter so much cause we dont matter or only a few handful of people would miss us compared to a celeb. or that society is so much about what someone does and how much they make from it that i feel soulless like theres so many folk who say do something bc it make u money not bc it make u happy.

im really conflicted nowadays and i dont like the state my country is in, it doesnt care about it citizens but it care more about the royals than anyone else every tome w royal member breaths they get free press but any time someome normal does something it never gets the same reception. as i said i dont think it matters anymore who does or doesnt live a long life bc it only matters what they did as a person or how society is constantly about having a following or likes comments and subscribes or is it the fact that screens are being used everywhere?

honestly i think this is the worst version of society. i dont want to have to chase people only for them to barely give effort in return but thats what i feel like i have to do bc society has its cliques online and offline. i hope this rant makes some sense and thank you v much for letting me rant!

Hello dear :) Well, there's a lot here...

Despite I understand what you mean, it's also about statistics: famous people are known by far more people than "common" (let me use this adjective, even if it's not right) people, so it's obviously natural that more people can be aware of their existence and cry over one of them passing away compared to one person known only by 20-30 people or less: famous people have the chance to "keep in touch" with/be seen by many people at the same time through what they do, cause all they do has a resonance caused by the ability they have to move markets and create capitals as well (mostly because of "common" people being so invested in them, js). For this reasons their lives are under the lenses of the world: not that good in the end, as their privacy is basically non-existant; they're supposed to share everything about them, cause people wants to know everything about them and compare their lives to the ones of those famous people: if they go through lows, "common" people may feel better about themselves, or see famous as more "normal"; in the best case we just can get inspired by famous people (maybe they made a dream come true and so we hope to be able to do the same somehow). It's very tough cause it's not just about love, but they get also hated and envied far more easily and by far more people than "common" people: again it's about statistics.

The thing to keep in mind here imo is: it's not about quantity, but quality. One can be loved by the whole world but it doesn't mean everyone will remember them forever (and also, it depends on how and why they will: it's not always for something positive or good). Focus on you and your own personal relationships, on making them good enough so that even if just one person will care about and remember you, it will be more than enough cause it will be for the right reason. And that's what matters in the end (imo, ofc).

Life these days is easily influenced by fake lives we see online through social medias: all is buildt up so that it can look amazing (think photographs and AI as well). Many people (not just influencers) try to avoid sharing the "bad" part but only focus on the good and so the idea that everything must be perfect to be good and there's no way one can go through lows in life is something that is playing with the mind of many, making them think their lives are just terrible because they cannot make it good or make enough money (what is enough even? Everything costs more and more, so the fear of running out of money may make people fear living in poverty and need to make more money: no matter if they aren't happy as long as they're safe -it's about the root chakra yk-. For example esp. in the Southern area of my country, not having a secure job is unsafe for many elders, they may push their children to work in State's offices even if they don't want to, so that they will be sure they'll get paid all the months). All this is just adding a stress that is totally unnecessary: as you're noticing, not feeling supported in our choices by those in an "authority spot" (be it family or state letting us down more or less figuratively) is not going to help us find happiness or even wealth (what one can consider it made of). And seeing other making it (famous people for instance), may make us envious of them. Resentful even.

I don't think there's someone living the perfect life, we all go through bad stuff, it's just a matter of how we decide to deal with it and how much we share. Many pretend it's not real and try to forget about it by focusing on whatever else, and even on other people (=famous people) but it doesn't work in the end: fake positivity or avoiding negativity never solved any problem. But this is where famous people come in: seeing good/positive posts and being pushed to believe that something good can be (as it will), or even just being comforted by someone we admire can be of help for those going through a bad moment. On the other side, by showing the best side of stuff, some influencers (eg.) may try to convince us to interact with them also to know more about them or to see if their life are really better and how we can be like them... but they mostly do that to gain something. We're still talking about a job (social media in particular, but remember every famous person also generally gains from their appearances and image): followers and interactions of any type with an account, help them reach certain numbers in the algorythm of that specific social media, get viral or become famous/known enough so that they can start collaborations and gain more. And live (they try to make money as well as anyone else: ofc it depends what idea we have of how they make money and how much we know of it). This too has lows ofc, as everything, but we may not always know about them unless the person wants to share about it.

What I mean is: yes society has f-up rules and ideas, it's pretty much corrupted, but it's not famous people the real problem imo. Maybe "common" people just find in them a way to escape their reality (be it for the best or the worst, to send love or hate; maybe they just project, find comfort, avoidance... whatever other need they have unmet), as I was saying. Maybe they just find online (reels/tiktok in particular, fast and entertaining stuff for a life that goes fast and people's decreasing attention span caused by generally feeling low and not being able to keep up with that pace and ending up alone/left out ig) the entertainment they need to unwind and that they cannot find in their lives: they need to look outside, to not think about themselves. I think that until we look at what goes on outside instead of inside (whether it's to find validation or support or whatever else we need and were never given), there's not much that we can change in our lives. I am not demonzing famous people by any means (nor juding "common" people's behaviours): it's part of their job to be there and act as a trigger (at times) for others, but that's not always a pleasant job in the end: what I mean is, maybe we don't have to blame them for what is going on as their lives have pros but also many many cons we need to consider, understand and respect. In their place many people may not be able to deal with the stress and all and give up easily (don't wanna talk about the many famous people giving in to various addictions because of this).

But if you feel like because of society you need to act in a certain way to be accepted and you need to accept crumbs in your relationships, then that's wrong imo. You are free, don't let society cage you into unreasonable rules. You can make your own rules: you may feel alone at first, but you're not going to be forever. There are other people like you. You deserve much more than crumbs and you deserve to at least try to live the life you dream of living. Try to stop for a moment and realize what is this confusion you're experiencing really about. What do you see in the way famous people are treated and what you make it mean of you in comparison (despite I generally don't suggest to compare with others for this but ...yeah)? Do you feel not enough? Do you feel rejected? Underappreciated? Not seen? Idk... Do you really know what you want for yourself and how to get it? If not, start from the basic, see what you really want and need, and work to obtain it. Whatever goes on around you.

Not sure if I said all I wanted to say but I guess I touched the main points at least... Take care<3

#.#asks #life #society

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princess-fuckrosa · 4 years ago

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hello again¡! thanks for the rules and don't worry i'm still trying to understand this app 😂 welp, i would make my request about one of my favs on mm which it's seven 💚 so hc for him with a s/o that has toc, please idk if too much ask but hope that you aren't uncomfortable with it but if you are then i would like to request hc for him with a s/o that lives in another country (like an online relationship skkd) hope u are having a beautiful night¡! please, take care of yourself!!! 💚

Ahhhw Anon, thank you! When I first saw your request yesterday it made me so happy! I decided that I would love to write both of your requests, but I'm a dummy and I have no idea what toc means :( I tried to Google it but it didn't lead me anywhere, so, could you send another request about it? I'm so sorry that there are so many problems with me, I swear I will try my best to make it up for you 💖

So for now, here are the headcanons about your second idea. I hope you like them, it was really fun to make these! :D Also, Seven is a total bae 🥺❤

I used she/her pronouns for this one, but let me know if this is not what you looking for!! 💖

Seven and a s/o from another country

Meeting new people on the internet is not an unfamiliar concept for Seven. Of course, Yoosung is the typical gamer of the group, but Seven himself is a gamer deity. And with that in mind, I can easily picture that the two of you met under similar circumstances.

It doesn't really matter if you are a pro gamer, a beginner, or just in the middle, only playing because you are bored, somehow you managed to catch his eye, maybe because you laughed at his jokes.

He asked you if he can add you as a friend on any social media and after that everything just went as it should. Shortly after that, you noticed that he is the first person to say hi in the morning, and he is the last one you say good night to as well.

He asks you where are you from early in your friendship, and first, he was a little disappointed when he found out that you are living on the other side of the world.

Later, still in your friendship state, he will start to refer to you as his gamer wife, he will say it is just a joke but will melt if you call him gamer husband.

You basically just joke through the beginning of your friendship, and you grow closer and closer, he will see the distance between you as a blessing, as his line of work is really dangerous, and he would absolutely hate himself (more) if something would happen to you.

So after a while, when he made sure that you are safe, and no one can find you through him, he will finally collect himself to confess to you. But don't expect anything traditional.

Instead, try to imagine this: the next time when you turn on your computer, you got a text from Seven to go to your window in the other room, like, RIGHT NOW. You know he is up to something, but you have no idea, so you just go to the other room and text him because you don't see anything interesting, but he is already offline. You stand there for several minutes, scoping around, hoping that you will eventually see what he meant, but as you find nothing, you go back to your computer, waiting for him to reply.

That's it when you saw something... different on your desktop.

'Open me <3' - you see the title under a big heart icon. He did this, you have no doubt about it. When you launch it, it happens to be a quiz game: questions about your relationship together, with some seemingly unrelated questions.

In the end, you got your results saying: "OMG WE WOULD MAKE A PERFECT COUPLE!" among a short description of why he... My bad, of why the quiz thinks that.

You can't help but laugh, at the same time, you feel so happy that he finally confessed - and the way he did it was brilliant.

After this, you may or may not have a more serious conversation about it, depends on your opinion about online dating. (I mean, I would want to make sure he's not catfishing me after all lol)

Honestly, dating online is more comfortable for him. Don't get me wrong, he would love to hold you or kiss you, but this space between the two of you helps him hide all of those sad thoughts he has. Of course, as you spend more and more time together, he will tell you about them, but... it's just a very small percent of his actual problems.

He just doesn't want to be a burden with his depression and anxiety, and when you came to his life, it made a very big difference, but still, he has these conditions he is not ready to talk about. Of course, with time, you will notice when something is not quite right, but most of the time, he will hide these things as best as he can.

He will be really affectionate, always asking you if you had your meals, drank enough, etc., always asking about how are you. He would never miss any opportunity to send you gifts.

Your online dates are legendary. He really likes to challenge you, like making the same recipe, and while you can't taste-test each other's food, you can still judge it by preparation time and serving. Watching movies or TV shows are don't count as a date anymore because you do that regularly, it's more like a ritual now, just as game nights.

If you are up for video chats too, you can learn some dances together, and it's always super fun.

And who knows, maybe someday you will meet in person too if you are up for it, but if you are happy with just texting, voice and video calls, then he is perfectly fine with that too.

He just loves you so much.

#mystic messenger headcanons #mystic messenger #mysme seven #mysme #seven fluff #saeyoung choi #luciel choi #mystic messenger imagines

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neocatharsis · 4 years ago

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The Brilliant Members of World Renowned NCT 127 Share Their Thoughts Fashion, Music, Lifestyle, Favorite Things… What Their Individual Styles Are #007 HAECHAN

Some Excerpts

What are the different faces that make up who NCT 127’s HAECHAN is?

MN: You introduced yourself as “the youngest member”. From your eyes, what kind of big brothers are the other members of NCT 127?

H: Let’s see… Mmm, they are more important to me than anything else. I joined the agency when I was much younger than I am now, and everybody I worked with was at the center of my life. In all aspects, I learned a lot through them. I guess you could say I grew up looking over their shoulders. We have spent so much time together, learning from and playing with, crying and laughing together as family. I truly want to be members with them forever. They really are like big brothers to me.

MN: To the question, “Please list three things that make up who you are, HAECHAN”, you wrote,“Me on stage, me with the other members, and me face-to-face with the fans”. It really does appear that the other members mean a lot to you. You also mention the “stage” and “fans”. Could you kindly tell us the reason behind their importance?

H: First, I think that “me on stage” is the most important part of the way the fans see me. That’s why I’m always passionate on stage and strive to be more perfect. I always want to present the best I have to offer in order to satisfy the audience to the fullest! Then, “me with the other members” is because, as I mentioned in my self-intro, I am the youngest member… and so I’m nowhere near perfect as a person. When I’m with the other members, I can spend time with them as I am, my immature parts and all. I think that is very important for me.

MN: So, “Me on stage” means to always enjoy yourself and strive to face your performances with a positive attitude. “Me with the other members” means the time to charge up on your energy for the stage.

H: Exactly! And the third, “Me face-to-face with the fans” comes from how grateful I am and how to never forget to work hard. I’m always grateful to all the fans because they really like me and support me. And it makes me feel that I really have to work harder because of all their love.

MN: It’s rather difficult to do anything offline these days. Please tell us if there is anything you place value on when interacting with your fans.

H: It would be nice to have the opportunity to meet our fans in person, but these are not the times for that right now and it’s difficult as well, so whenever possible, I’ve been trying to do whatever I can online. I try my best to figure out and capture what the fans want. For example, live broadcasting on the Internet, frequent live streaming in real time. I’m also hoping to share with everyone as much as I can about what I’m up to and the little things I’m working on. I try to talk about things that the fans want to know and are curious about.

MN: The various faces of HAECHAN you spoke of are quite fascinating in their own ways.

H: If I were to consider the difference in more depth, although it may sound a little strange, I feel like the person on stage is “another me”. For the person with the other members and the person face-to-face with the fans, I think they show a more human side to me.

MN: That explains it. It feels like your work as an artist is always at the core of who you are.

H: Yes, that’s who I am. HAECHAN=NCT 127!

What’s the source of your energetic performances?

MN: You said that as the youngest member of the group, you are confident about your smile. Could you please tell us what you are confident about when it comes to your performances and where you put a lot of your effort into?

H: I think it’s safe to say here that “energetic and positive”, which have always been keywords for me, come to life, and that’s because that’s my personality to begin with. That’s why I think that if the strengths and styles that I have within are fully demonstrated on the stage, I can shine even more. Speaking of an actual performance, there’s a song called “TOUCH”. It is a bright and cheerful song. Whether we are at a shoot or a concert, it is the song that I can express to by laughing and playing. I think one of my strengths right now is that my good qualities shine through in this kind of piece!

MN: As “somebody who had an impact on your style”, HAECHAN-san, you gave a photo of “Michael Jackson”. In the questionnaire, you also wrote,“He’s the artist I most admire”. Can you share with us what made you like him and what about him you are fascinated by?

H: I was in the fifth grade of elementary school when I discovered Michael Jackson. Ever since I heard the song “Billie Jean”, which I love, I’ve really liked him. From there, I listened to and researched his various pieces. Then, I learned that he writes his own music, and I saw him perform a lot. It made me think, “Yeah, I want to become an artist like that”. Listening to his songs really gives me energy!”

MN: You sent us a picture you took of the record “Thriller”.

H: Yes, It’s my favorite Michael Jackson album, and it’s the first LP I bought on my own, so I’m really attached to it. It’s a memorable album for me!

MN: Later on, we’ll have you list up some song recommendations for our popular playlist corner. So, please think about the songs you particularly like.

H: OK, will do~!

What’s the perfect balance of strength and weakness for you?

MN: We’d like to know a little more about you personally, HAECHAN-san. To the question, “What is the one thing that makes you proud?”, you responded, “To act fast. To have the sense to do so!”. Please elaborate.

H: For this, well, like when the other members need help, I have the ability to catch on to that. By noticing quickly and then figuring it out, I am able to be there to help out. And I think my strength is that I have the ability to absorb everything quickly, so that’s why I answered in that way!

MN: You’re quite dependable for being the youngest member. The same as when we were talking about the staff members, you certainly are aware of your surroundings.

H: Yes, I am. And I’ve always liked to get things done quickly and efficiently”

MN: In contrary, to the question, “What do you want to conquer?”, you wrote, “Getting over troublesome things”. Does that mean that you tend to find things troublesome, but you try your best to do many things quickly while paying attention to your surroundings? (LOL)

H: Finding things that are troublesome really does fall on me, doesn’t it (LOL). It’s true, there is a part of me that is dominated by this “troublesome” feeling (LOL). I do, but I think there are right and wrong times to feel that way.

MN: Completely agreed. That makes sense.

H: But I think I’m good at distinguishing those times with my good sense! (Chuckle)

MN: Ahh, I see (laughter). So that’s why you wrote “sense”. Ahh, understood. So, you appear at exactly the right moment.

H: That’s right! (laughter)

How would you like us to enjoy “LOVEHOLIC”?

MN: Please tell us about the new mini album for Japan. It’s titled “LOVEHOLIC” and will be released on February 17th. When working on this one, what did you pay particular attention to, HAECHAN-san?

H: Whenever recording, regardless of what kind of album it may be, I always make sure to pay particular attention according to each situation. However, this time I had to put in special effort into singing in Japanese with the most natural pronunciation as possible.

MN: Did you, for example, receive advice from YUTA-san, who is a Japanese member of your group?

H: Yes, I did. YUTA-san helped me again this time! Also, there were many staff members nearby who were intuitive enough to catch on to my needs during recording. They were very supportive.

MN: Here again is the relationship of trust you have with the staff members. We are told the lead track is a love song. Was there something that you felt you needed to work hard at when you found out it was a love song?

H: When I found out the lead track was a love song and listened to it, I thought, “What an intense love song.” When you read the lyrics, you know for certain that it’s a love song, but the atmosphere it presents is very powerful. So, I strived to maintain the strength and vibe of the song.

MN: When creating an album, do you and the other members share advice with one another?

H: When I receive a song and listen to it, I immediately discuss the song with the other members. We listen to each song together and talk about how each of us interpret the songs and how each song comes across to us, which is very helpful.

MN: Aside from the lead track being a love song, is there anything else about this album that you feel is different from the other albums?

H: Above all, we are releasing a mini album in Japan for the first time in a long time, but even when it’s released, we won’t be able to meet the fans in person… since the album is being released under these circumstances, we thought about things like, “how will the songs touch the fans” and “how will the fans listen to the album”. We thought about these things more than ever.

MN: That’s true. The album itself, or rather, the circumstances under which it will be released is different from before. Undoubtedly, the fans are anxiously waiting for the release.

H: We’ve already recorded a bunch of songs [editorial staff note: at the time of the interview], and there really are a lot of wonderful songs. In contrary to the intensity of the lead track, some songs are bright and cheerful. The album is chock full of memorable songs and I promise it will be worth the wait”

MN: You mentioned earlier how difficult it is to perform directly in front of the fans. Please tell us what we can expect and look forward to at your next concert performance in Japan.

H: Since we finished our Japan tour at the beginning of this year, we have not been able to return to Japan. And yet, we’ve released a lot of songs since then. I’m really looking forward the most to performing the songs that we have yet to.

MN: Until then, let’s have the fans listen to “LOVEHOLIC” in anticipation. In what kind of a situation would you like the fans to enjoy this album?

H: I think there are many people who are frustrated and feel suffocated, because they are not able to go outside and enjoy it as much as they want. I would like them to listen to the album during those situations, when they are “frustrated or feeling suffocated”. I hope that they will push through the frustration of not being able to see each other and the desire for each other while listening to the songs, especially with the powerful and substantial lead track. I also think this album has the power to refresh the heart and that it is packed with different types of love”l

MN: Expectations are rising!

H: (In Japanese) Thank you so much~!

What words describe you right now?

MN: Thank you for what you have told us thus far. Finally, could you kindly share with us, HAECHAN-san, what you think is “My own style” at this point in life?

H: I believe that I am currently “HAECHAN at 20 years old, still in the process of learning much and yet to grow”

MN: Ohhhh, wow! That’s almost like a slogan for yourself! This ends the interview portion, so please kindly provide some words for the readers. If there’s anything you’ve left out about the album or activities in the future, please take over.

H: First, I would like to express my gratitude towards this wonderful opportunity you have given us members of NCT 127 to introduce ourselves. Our team is really hard at work right now, and we are the type of group that will continue to grow. So, it would be wonderful if you could continue to watch over us and support us with all your warmth. Keep an eye out for our album as well. Please take care of yourselves and be happy.

MN: Thank you for that. We really look forward to the release of your album!

H: (In Japanese) Can’t wait to see you all again! Stay well~!

#nct #nct 127 #Haechan

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inevitably-johnlocked · 4 years ago

Note

Hello lovely!! I’m a sucker for Sherlock comforting John after nightmares or just ptsd episodes, and was curious if you know of any? And/or any fics where johns old shoulder injury is bothering him and Sherlock helps :) I just need all the caring fluff ☺️

Hey Nonny!

Ahhhh!! Yes, I have quite a few Nightmares/PTSD fics, and I’m going to use this opportunity to update my past lists since I have a nice collection of more! As for the shoulder injury, I believe Maintenance and Repair by patternofdefiance has Sherlock doing that, but I can’t recall. I’ll start a separate list offline for Shoulder Injuries perhaps. Hmm. Actually, you might find some good Caring Sherlock fics on these lists:

John Whump / Sherlock Takes Care of John

John Whump / Sherlock Takes Care of John Pt. 2

John Whump / Sherlock Takes Care of John Pt. 3

Scars

Scars Pt. 2

Now, for the main event!! Hope you enjoy, and as always, Loves, add your own!

NIGHTMARES, PTSD, PANIC ATTACKS & MENTAL/EMOTIONAL TURMOIL Pt. 3

See also:

Nightmares, PTSD, Panic Attack, & Mental / Emotional Turmoil

Nightmares, PTSD, Panic Attack, & Mental / Emotional Turmoil Pt. 2

NIGHTMARES

Study in John by chappysmom (K+, 2,158 w., 1 Ch. || Post-ASiP, POV John, Introspection, Friendship, Nightmares, Caring Sherlock, John’s Limp) – After the events of "A Study in Pink," John lies on the couch in Baker Street and thinks about the whirlwind events of the day. What is he getting himself into?

Sleepless nights by El loopy (T, 5,467 w., 3 Ch. || Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares/Insomnia, Panic Attack, Worried Sherlock) – Sherlock has a nightmare and John wants to know what it was about. Set during season 1. Three-shot.

What Did I Do Wrong? by Starlight05 (T, 7,880 w. || Hurt Comfort, Angst, John Whump, Hospitalization, Worried Sherlock, Emotional Turmoil, Nightmares, Sherlock Being Dumb) - After John almost dies on a case, Sherlock disappears. So John is left to figure out what he can do to get his best friend back. Meanwhile Sherlock, guilt-ridden and willingly alone, is doing everything he can to stay away.

Lunar Landscapes by J_Baillier (M, 57,046 w., 21 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || S3/TAB Fix-It, Slow Burn Angst, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, Confessions, Drugs, Pain, Medical, Injury, Sherlock Whump, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Romance, Secrets, Tragedy, Trauma, BAMF John, Doctor!John, Drug Addict Sherlock, Injured Sherlock, Grieving John, Idiots In Love, Protective John, POV John Watson, PTSD Sherlock, Sherlock is a Mess, Medical Realism) – An accident forces John to face the fact that Sherlock's downward spiral had started long before his flight to exile even left the tarmac.

Just To Hold You Close by sussexbound (E, 70,841 w., 18 Ch. || Alternate First Meeting, Sherlock POV, ASD Sherlock, PTSD John, Demisexual Sherlock, Bisexual John, Cuddling/Snuggling, Platonic Cuddling, Enthusiastic Consent, Bed Sharing, Love Confessions, First Kiss/Time, Sexual Tension, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Cuddle Negotiations, For a Case Until It Isn’t, Hair Petting, Sexual Negotiation, Anxiety, Trust Issues, Slow Burn, Panic Attacks, Frottage, Hand/Blow Jobs, Referenced Self Harm / Abuse / Suicidal Ideation, First Kiss/Time, Anal) – When a woman is murdered and the last person to see her alive is recently invalided army vet turned reluctant (and prickly) professional cuddler, John Watson, Sherlock Holmes is pulled into a world of intimacy and intrigue he never could have imagined. John is a conundrum and mystery: frank yet reserved, tender yet angry, open yet afraid. Sherlock is instantly drawn into his orbit, and begins to feel and desire things he never has before.

Not Broken, Just Bent by Schmiezi (E, 87,585 w., 43 Ch. || Pining, Love Confessions, Rape/Sexual Assault, Torture, Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Villain!Mary, Suicidal Ideations, Main Character Death, Sherlock First Person POV, Parentlock, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Grief/Mourning, Emotional Love Making, Possessiveness, Depression, PTSD, Kidnapping, Virgin Sherlock, Eventual Happy Ending) – "For a second, I allow myself to remember teaching John how to waltz. There is a special room in my mind palace for it. A big one, with a proper parquet dance floor. For a second, I go there. I remember holding him, closer than the World Dance Council asks for, excusing it with the fact that we are training for a wedding, not for a competition. For a second, I feel his hand on mine again, smell his sweat, hear the song we used. For a second, I allow myself to love him deeply. For a second, only a second, that love reflects on my face." Fix-it for S3, starting at the end of TSoT. Evil Mary.

The Summer Boy by khorazir (T, 94,706 w., 6 Ch. || Post S3/Post TAB/Alternate S4, Friends to Lovers, Asexual Sherlock, POV Sherlock, Flashbacks, Bullying, 1980′s Kid Sherlock, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Inexperienced Sherlock, Grief/Mourning, Pining Sherlock, Case Fic, Sherlock’s Past, Awkward Conversations, Anxious Sherlock) – About half a year after the fateful events at Appledore, Sherlock and John embark on a private case in Sussex. For Sherlock, it’s a journey into his past, bringing up memories both happy and sad that he has locked away for almost thirty years. For John, it means coming to terms with the present – and a potential future with Sherlock. Part 1 of the The Summer Boy series

Against the Rest of the World by SilentAuror (E, 151,714 w., 20 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-TRF, Hiatus Fic, POV First Person Sherlock, Present Tense, First Kiss/Time, Big Brother Mycroft, Escaping from Capture, Soft Sherlock, Toplock, Insecurity, Infidelity, Travelling, Introspection, Pining Sherlock, Depression, Fantasies, Yearning for the Past, PTSD Sherlock, Suicidal Ideation) – Sherlock has been away from London for nine hundred and twelve days and counting, and has no idea what sort of reception to expect when he finally returns.

Proving A Point by elldotsee & J_Baillier (E, 186,270 w., 28 Ch. || Me Before You Fusion || Medical Realism, Insecure John, Depression, Romance, Angst, POV John, Sherlock Whump, Serious Illness, Doctor John, Injury Recovery, Assisted Suicide, Sherlock’s Violin, Awkward Sexual Situations, Alcoholism, Drugs, Idiots in Love, Slow Burn, Body Image, Friends to Lovers, Hurt / Comfort, Pain, Big Brother Mycroft, Intimacy, Anxiety, PTSD, Family Issues, Psychological Trauma, John Whump, Case Fics, Loneliness, Pain) – Invalided home from Afghanistan, running out of funds and convinced that his surgical career is over, John Watson accepts a mysterious job offer to provide care and companionship for a disabled person. Little does he know how much hangs in the balance of his performance as he settles into his new life at Musgrave Court.

PTSD / EMOTIONAL TURMOIL

A Room of One's Own by whitchry9 (K+, 2,174 w., 5 Ch. || S2 Timeline, Hurt/Comfort, Supernatural, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Coma, John Whump, Worried Sherlock, POV John, Angst, Friendship/Bromance, Hospital) – When a severe head injury lands John in a coma, somehow he ends up in Sherlock's mind palace. It's actually pretty nice there, and John is entertaining the notion of staying there, rather than returning to his broken body. But Sherlock isn't taking it as well, and John can feel him breaking around him.

Museums and Laboratories by RhododendronPonticum (T, 3,004 w., 1 Ch. || Romance, Angst, Obsessive Sherlock, Anxious Sherlock, Anxiety/Panic Attack, Separation Anxiety, Doctor John, Co-Dependent Sherlock) – If Sherlock's kitchen was his laboratory, then his bedroom was his museum.

A Home for Us by sussexbound (M, 30,581 w., 12 Ch. || Scars, Bedsharing, Grief, Doctor John, Hurt/Comfort, Post-TRF, Implied/Referenced Torture, Sherlock POV, Pining Sherlock, Suicidal Ideation, Heavy Emotions, Clingy Sherlock, Hallucinations, Disassociation, Emotional Turmoil) – He has been on the road for two years, and he is exhausted. He’s almost accepted that he will never see London (John) again—almost. But then there are nights like tonight, where he is weak, and all he can think of is the warmth of the flat they once shared, the crackle of the fire in the hearth, the teasing smile playing at the corner of John’s lips, the boxes of half-eaten Chinese takeaway balanced precariously in their laps. He aches at the memory of it, at the realisation that it is something he may never experience again.

Impossible to Feign by achray (M, 49,204 w., 12 Ch. || TRF Rewrite / Reverse Reichenbach, Suicidal Ideations / Discussions, Drug Use/Abuse, Mutual Pining, Friends With Benefits, John Accepts his Sexuality, Anxious Sherlock, Meddling Mycroft, Depression, Hallucinations, Secret Agent John, BAMF John, Reunion, Make-Up Sex, Ambiguous Ending) – Sherlock leant forward, his long fingers curving round to grip John’s.“I won’t let him win,” he said, eyes hard. “I will do whatever it takes to get you out.”

Anchor Point by trickybonmot (E, 49,856 w., 80 Ch. || Truman Show AU || Psychological Drama, Suspense, Slow Burn, Dark Characters / Fic, Alternating First/Third Person, Protective John, Anxious/Worried Sherlock, Tender Moments, Love Confessions, Hand/Blow Jobs, Cuddling, Jealous John, First Kiss/Time) – The world tunes in nightly for Sherlock, the ultimate in reality TV: Sherlock Holmes, a real person with a legendary name, unknowingly lives out his life in a staged setting contrived by his brother. Things get complicated when a retired army doctor joins the show to play the part of Sherlock's closest friend. This fic borrows its concept from the 1998 film, the Truman Show. However, you don't need to have any knowledge of the movie to enjoy this story.

Repairing the Broken Things by BakerTumblings (M, 75,252 w., 15 Ch. || S4 Compliant, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Medical Trauma, Hospitals, Big Brother Mycroft, Misunderstandings, Realizations, Severe Accident, John Whump, Pneumonia, Medical Procedures, Bed Sharing, First Time, Healing, Happy Ending) – "I'm calling today to notify you that there's been an accident."

Northwest Passage by Kryptaria (E, 95,157 w., 27 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Canadian AU || BAMF!John, Canadian John, PTSD, Anal / Oral Sex, Rimming, Emotional Hurt / Comfort, Drug Rehab, Falling in Love, Pining Sherlock, Love Confessions, Sherlock’s Violin, Panic Attacks, Switching, Anxious / Protective Sherlock, Hugs for Comfort, Suicide Mentions, Healing Each Other) – Seven years ago, Captain John Watson of the Canadian Forces Medical Service withdrew from society, seeking a simple, isolated life in the distant northern wilderness of Canada. Though he survives from one day to the next, he doesn't truly live until someone from his dark past calls in a favor and turns his world upside-down with the introduction of Sherlock Holmes." Part 1 of Tales from the Northwest

#steph replies #johnlock fic recs #my fic recs #ptsd fics #nightmare fics #emotional turmoil #john whump #Anonymous

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thirstofgames · 4 years ago

Text

kitty and the jailbird

#️⃣2️⃣

-IT'S A MATCH-

A blank chat popped open and Damien stared at it for a second. He had honestly not expected it. The girl actually swiped him right. He looked at the clock impatiently; he did not have much time left in the library. There was a loud shout from the hallway, his muscles tensing, ready to hide the phone and bolt at any second.

He regretted that last question right as he pushed send. It sounded so bitter in his head now. It was a dating app after all and she was a good looking young woman.

you there?

...

hello?

busy flirting with your other matches, huh?

And there it was all about to end, the hot topic of his whereabouts. And the swift and cruel rejection that followed. It had already happened one too many times! Could he go through his again? Was it worth it? His palms were sweaty, but he never felt so cold. If the ground could just open up and swallow him whole before she finished asking...

No, sorry

Just a little surprised we matched

you can unmatch if you want

Well, what I want is to talk with you 😊

Your profile caught my eye

what part?

Your profile pic at first.

Most guys can't pull off the broken, deep and scowling thing

But... looks good on you.

you don't look so bad yourself-

but then I read your description...

and I have to know something

shoot 🙄

It was a simple Yes/No question, but it took Kate way to long to answer. She bit her lip, thinking hard on the possibilities. It was such an unfair question though. She was not going to leave, but was not going to pursue anything with him until she knew what he was in for and how long he was going to be locked up. She'd wasted enough years waiting up on others...

I'm just a little confused 🤔

Are you really in jail?

you gonna leave if I say yes?

It really depends...

A bittersweet smile spread on his lips. What was he expecting from a girl like her? She probably had a nice job, a supporting family and tons of friends and... an actual future. Why would she even consider wasting her time with him? The little time he had left... Better to just pull off the band aid!

She felt to bad! She hadn't meant to disregard his feelings, but wasn't it fair to let her know what she was getting into? She didn't even know what he was expecting from the conversation they were having... She was curious, but she didn’t want to lead him on.

okay, let's just say...

the orange pants and barbed wire are real

OMG

I have so mane questions 😱

here we go...

What did you do?

Wait, where do you even hide your phone?

STOP!

enough with the interrogation, alright?

I'm just curious...

sure, but i'm more than just a prisoner

a little respect goes a long way

Kate’s heart sank. He was hot, but the prison was a serious issue... She supposed people were not lining up to get to know him. He seemed pretty well rounded and mannered, but he was very defensive about his crime. Did that mean it was something really bad? But he was on a dating app... so maybe he was getting out soon?

You're right!

I'm so sorry 😓

Let's change the subject

Why don't you tell me what you're looking for

hmmm

What?

i'm thinking...

nobody's really asked me that before

Seriously?

most people stop talking to me when they find out i'm locked up

i don't really blame them. i'm rough around the edges.

She didn't say anything for a while and Damien started wondering if he should just close the damn phone and leave. He should also probably take a break from Lovelink after this... it clearly wasn't doing him any good. Dark thoughts swarmed his mind and he had to close his eyes and head his head back against the bookshelf to get rid of the harrowing feeling. Like he was falling in an endless pit...

The screen showed him typing and deleting several responses. Kate pursed her lips, impatient. Had she said anything wrong? She’d never spoken to someone who’d been locked up, she was still unsure what could trigger painful memories, or just remind him that he was... not free. But he said he just wanted to chat and his profile mentioned 'deep conversations'...

Okay, I'm not running away, for now

but...

But I can't really make up my mind

If I don't know anything about you

So...

alright

honestly I'm just looking to talk to someone from the outside

it can get pretty boring in here, just waiting around the clock

Let's be friends then 😊

I'll be your window to the outside world

If that's alright with you...?

Damien sighed on the other end. Beggars can’t be choosers. It was a step in the right direction though. Maybe he was not going to find the love of his life at the very fucking end of said life. He was not living in some fairytale! He was still going to die, alone and forgotten.

But maybe... just a little less alone at the very end of his road. One friend meant more than none and maybe, just maybe... he could tell her his side of the story. Eventually. She seemed patient and understanding enough. Let at least one person out there know he did not murder his own father.

sure

that's more than most

Of course a pretty thing like her got a lot on attention... She was only chatting up with him because the others were offline-

but it must have been pretty bad to be such a long sentence

you still can't tell me what the crime was?

look, i've been making my own rules my whole life

you better ask what crimes I DIDN'T do

wow...

i'm no bragging or anything, just letting you know where I'm at

anyways, I'm more interested in what you're all about

what are you doing on an app like this?

Honestly...

I was about to uninstall it right before we matched 😅

you already found the one?

or no luck at all?

Well, I went on a few nice dates...

i see

Suddenly his experience on the app seemed less awful. Maybe it was not the right place. Or perhaps it was just the place for a misfit like him, here with all the weirdoes and con artists.

And then they ditched me for their exes

Just my luck 😂

Oh and I swear to god if I see one more vampire 🙄 🙄 🙄 🙄 🙄

vampires?

Yeees

You wouldn't believe some of the things I saw...

OMG, one dude was actually dresses up as a centaur

I...

don't even want to ask

There's also the 'prince' scam going around

Dudes claiming to be the heirs of some

Made up countries and asking you for money

It wasn't quite a rejection, but it still hurt a little. She already mentioned twice she was only interested in him as friends. She didn't need to spell it out every few minutes! But she was the only one...

Met some nice people too ☺️

Actually became good friends with some

Which is nice since I just moved here

were did you come from?

Pallay 💜

you're a long way from home

I know 😢

I suppose it was getting kinda lonely

My friends and family come visit when they can

But that's not a lot...

what brought you here?

Got a really good job opportunity

But I didn't quite realize how far away I'd be

So yeah, to answer your question from before...

I'm kinda just chatting with new people

Made more friends than anything else lol

Hope that's aright with you 🤗

A smile crept on his lips. An actual, genuine smile. How long had it been since he had any reason to? God, it felt good to talk to someone! Someone who didn't know him, who didn't shout 'walking corpse' after him, didn't judge him. He almost felt like his old self. Almost.

i'm cool with that

Great!

Looking forward to getting to know you, Damien 😄

so let's get to it

tell me about yourself

hobbies, favorite food, anything

my hobbies are always changing 🤔

I start something new every month or so

Oh, and I started volunteering at a vet lately

🐱🐶💕

With a friend I made on this app

it suits you

Hmmmmm how would you know?

We've only just met

just a hunch

I could secretly be evil 😈

you couldn't hurt a fly

besides, I've seen evil and believe me

you're not it

I'm guessing you're not going to elaborate on that

Are you?

see, you know me so well already

Smartass 😝

At lest until she finds out.

And I love food 🤤

Who doesn't? lol

But picking a favorite is like... impossible

I do have one hell of a sweet tooth 🍫🍬🍦

I'm soooo jealous

I miss making my own meals

That's right! You probably just have a cafeteria.

I'm so sorry 😓

it's cool

i'm glad we have something in common

Is there any food you miss?

Wait... was there even steak in that picture? Kate felt her ears burning, the fluffy pajamas studently itching at her skin.

just makin my own in general, being in charge in the kitchen

Damien scrolled quickly through his phone, the memories leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. He nearly didn’t send the photo. It felt like so long ago, a different time...a different person. But it felt so good to remember! To be reminded of the more happier moments when he had all his life ahead of him! And showing her a piece of his past may make her curious enough to stick around for a while longer.

He hit Send.

-Tap to download photo-

Looks... delicious

you like steak?

Oh yeah, the food 😳

Wish I could have a bite of that hahaha

So not so shy and innocent as she claimed. Good to know. Even if it didn’t lead anywhere, which he had to be realistic about - he was on death row after all - it was still fun. The most fun he’d had in a long while. It felt...nice.

HA!

i wish you could too 😏

The door of the library swung open hitting the opposite wall. The guard in charge could be heard arguing with someone. At least four voices. He had to move fast.

I'm really hungry now 😅

good

Kate stared at the screen, the little green light besides his profile picture going grey. She scrolled through the conversation as if to make sure she hadn’t just imagined it. She tapped the picture he’d sent, a small smile creeping on her lips. He looked so... normal. Well, more like smoking hot, but she expected some kind of dump, or some greasy repair shop, not Greek sculpture level abs. The boy should come with a warning! She was a sucker for bad boys, but had she gotten so bad that she was now considering a fucking convict? What if he was a murderer or something??

shit!

???

someone's coming

gotta hide my phone

talk soon

Be careful! 🙏🏻

Her ice cream, forgotten on the coffee table, had turned to soup.

What had she gotten herself into?

#lovelink #damien jones #kitty and the jailbird #austin russo #counterpart

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wizardnuke · 5 years ago

Note

tell me absolutely everything about your marvel oc

u said everything. u did this.

okay do u know what the avengers are missing that they really REALLY REALLY should have like It Bothers Me bc I worry about fictional fucking characters

they need a combat medic. technically sam could count but like the man's usually way up in the air, so, may I present to you: leena kyles

originally she had a certain set of powers but they were so fuckin similar to amatw's ghost that I a) lost my goddamn mind when I saw amatw and b) redesigned her out of spite

so I changed her powers and now she's the world's worst goddamn energy bender type deal and it's fantastic. its best described as like electrical telekinesis but with a very spotty wifi connection ie yes in theory she can like, blow up electrical devices, but she might just end up boosting the signal and like alerting bad guys (or, worst case scenario is that she misfires and fucks up someone's suit/arc reactor/metal arm) so really she just sticks to her endurance/agility/blind stubbornness and leaves her electrical powers to dramatic emotional breakdown moments

she's peter's age! but like, infinity war peter. in a world where infinity war never happened and neither did civil war FUCK the mcu the avengers split their time between the compound and the tower. she bonded w peter first, originally she was doing a vigilante thing but unlike peter she was kinda perceived as a threat and he was sent out to like do an assessment of her (mini mission!) and she kicked him in the head so needless to say it was the start of a beautiful friendship

how did she end up in nyc? fucking beats me. how did she get her powers? fucking depends on what I'm feeling when I'm writing her bc there's the traumatic option and the Traumatic Option and the eh she's just fuckin like this option but any way u slice it she was around doctors for the first 16 years of her life and she picked up a lot and also took classes and stuff but anyways there was a Tragic Occurrence and she had to get out and far away from where she was and nyc is a good place to disappear in

yes irondad features heavily in her storyline no I do not take criticism of any type

but anyway. she takes her secret identity very seriously bc she knows that peter is highkey monitored and like she agrees that he should be but She's Different, Okay, anyway she's a dummy, and she really doesn't want her identity to be discovered bc of people stalking her bc they want to experiment on her bc of her powers and That Can't Happen so she's a high school dropout vigilante that's friends w spiderman and she knows his first name is peter bc she accidentally overheard part of a phone call he was having w tony fucking stark and, goddamn it, she feels bad for not telling him her name when she knows his and she says her name is leena and he's like oh hi!

and then she like gets hurt-ish it's honestly not even that bad but peter worries and also he's a terrible liar and he snitches to tony and says that her name is leena. she does not find out about this. meanwhile tony is working on what little information he has on her to like find a missing person file on her and like, he isn't certain that he finds her bc leena kyles is from south carolina and that's kinda uh what the fuck and he has no frame of reference for when she went missing or if she's missing at all, really, so he doesn't say anything

and then peter gets fucking murked one day, he gets shot, like, five times in the abdomen, his suit goes offline, and tony gets a frantic call from a certain vigilante that isn't peter and she tells him their location and stuff and then starts rattling off his vitals, including ones that can only reliably be measured with a device of some sort, and, surprise, she's very attuned to the pressure levels/heartbeat/other electrical signals that the body produces, she's not good with her energy powers because they're fine-tuned to picking up stuff on people's bodies and keeping them alive, not to controlling electronics, and stark I can keep him breathing for another twenty minutes but he's lost a lot of blood and regenerating blood cells is not something I'm capable of get over here, please, I'm doing everything I can, and it's the start of a beautiful friendship. tony confirms her identity but doesn't do anything about it bc he doesn't know her situation and she doesn't suspect anything, so, whatever, right

anyways the expected thing happens, she has to give up the act and say hi her name is leena kyles she's 16 she's enhanced and she can't go back home and there's nothing for her there anyway

tony, bc he is a saint, is like okie dokie wanna meet the avengers and she's like What and he's like c'mon let's go you're one of us now

(he knows that she needs a support system, and she needs people that'll protect her)

anyways it's messy but unlike peter, leena doesn't really have contact with people her own age and she needs that too but it's hard to do that when she's supposed to be invisible so they take the risk and tony gets guardianship over her.

cut forward eh not even a week later there's an avengers call and bc this is a weird world where it's like 2012 avengers plus the others dr doom is fucking up nyc and they have to go. leena doesn't go bc she knows that she doesn't know how to work in a team that has more members than just her and peter and good lord she doesn't know how to take orders but uh. It Goes Wrong. and someone, probably steve or natasha, comes back hurt and post-hulk bruce is not helpful and idk 2012 world has SHIELD medical but they couldn't get there. idk. so they bring let's say steve in and he's ah not doing well, he's bleeding all over the couch, and they're like yelling over the phone for help and leena bolts into the room and they're like "shit leena no don't look at this" but tony's like oh SHIT wait no let her through let her through and she gets to work and saves his ass and by the time shield medical gets there steve is stable-ish and leena is casually washing blood off of her hands/arms at the kitchen sink

steve asks her if she wants to help in the field. she says yes. tony argues that he should really have a say in this, but it's for show and he agrees that she can help as like emergency backup/as a substitution if someone isn't there or has to go/their civilian herder/as their field medic.

leena is a crackhead. if someone goes down or she sees a civilian that can't get out alone she can and will run through fire and bullets and fuckin poison gas for all she cares. if she isn't needed to help but she's on the field she'll fight. it turns out that she's good at sensing heat signatures and vibrations in buildings so she knows when things are about to collapse so she's good at giving warnings that way too.

anyways she's full of love and besties with peter and lives with the avengers and has powers that make her an incredible medic and combatant so it's natural for her to be the avengers combat medic and she's damn good at it thanks for coming to my ted talk

#nadiapym #ask #long post #oc stuff #*infodumps*

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wolfpawn · 4 years ago

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I Hate You, I Love You, Chapter 159

Chapter Summary - Tom and Danielle tell Luke their news before it is declared to the world.

Previous Chapter

Rating - Mature (some chapters contain smut)

Triggers - references to Tom Hiddleston’s work with the #MeToo Movement. That chapter will be tagged accordingly.

authors Note - I have been working on this for the last 3 years, it is currently 180+ chapters long. This will be updated daily, so long as I can get time to do so, obviously.

tags: @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog @jessibelle-nerdy-mum @nonsensicalobsessions @damalseer @hiddlesbitch1 @winterisakiller @fairlightswiftly @salempoe @wolfsmom1 @black-ninja-blade

Luke stretched his neck and cursed falling asleep sitting up the night before. Tabloids had caught wind of Tom being at Wimbledon and every last one to see it made note that Danielle was not there with him and assumed they had been the first to realise that she had left him or him her without any shred of proof or indication of such. It was hardly the most taxing or bothersome of stories but it covered more of the internet than Tom's recent outings so he had to keep an eye on it all the same. He found himself rolling his eyes at the analysis of some people declaring that Tom was depressed looking, or elated to be rid of Danielle, depending on their own personal thoughts of her. To be honest, Luke could never understand what would make a woman willing to endure the sheer madness of Tom's life outside of genuine love of him.

He looked at his watch and noted that Tom would be arriving at his office supposedly in the next fifteen minutes. He shook his head. Tom tried to be punctual, he really did, but he would get caught talking to someone or get overly interested in a book and genuinely be too polite to excuse himself or forget the time before being delayed and turning up late and apologising profusely. He was unsure why Tom asked to see him with no situation that he could think of to warrant an official enough meeting between them. He knew of Tom and Danielle's trip to the seaside with his family, he worried that perhaps something had gone awry there and the pair had seen fit to part ways, but his tone on the phone was pleasant, something he knew with confidence that Tom would not be inclined to be should his friend and his partner had broken up.

Only five minutes later, he received a call from his secretary informing him that his clients were waiting outside. He chuckled and he gave his assistant the go-ahead to let them in before waiting to see what it was he was dealing with, the plural giving him an indication it was not an impending breakup.

Tom and Danielle came in smiling, Tom embracing his friend and Danielle giving him a small peck on the cheek as they entered. “Hello, I was worried about this meeting at first, I see that was a terrible assumption on my behalf.” He indicated for them to sit across from him at his desk. “I assume that this is an official visit?” Tom smirked and handed a sheet of paper to his friend. Luke looked at him sceptically before taking the piece of paper and opening it. For a moment, he looked at the paper before looking up at the pair across from him. “Really?”

Tom smirk turned and lifted Danielle's hand, showing her ring to him. “Mum is having it put in tomorrow's paper because Danielle is working in London for a fortnight and she will be spotted wearing it, so we thought it best to inform you so to prepare for whatever madness arises.”

Luke reread the piece again before smiling brightly. “Well, after the claims from yesterday, this will be hilarious, congratulations to you both,” he looked at Danielle's hand. “Antique and classy, as though I could expect anything else.”

“What's this of yesterday's claims?” Tom asked worriedly.

“You, going to the tennis final by yourself is somehow a declaration that you two have gone your separate ways.” Luke informed them. “Danielle’s absence is nothing short of a formal break up announcement in their opinion.”

'Wow, this will be awkward for them,” Danielle scoffed. “Are we allowed any time apart? I dare say it is tiring being attached to one's significant other all the time. I was too busy stealing our niece for a few hours to boil myself in the unusually warm weather.”

“Yes, I cannot believe it had lasted this long.” Luke looked to the air conditioning vent in his office. “If that fails, I will be relocating to a freezer.” Tom and Danielle gave a laugh. “So, this is official? When are you thinking about a wedding? There's nothing rushing this is there?”

“No, nothing of the sort, we are talking about next summer, most likely. Nothing is planned yet, though Mum very much has plans to change that soon for fear we delay.” Tom informed him.

“Well, I appreciate the consideration. We can ensure everything is covered on this side of things,” Luke smiled before chuckling. “For a time, I genuinely never thought I'd see the day. You finding someone and settling down. Danielle, you made him see sense.”

“And this is my penance apparently,” she joked in return. “I’m sorry for the bother that this will cause you.”

Luke shook his head slightly. “Please, this is what I do as my living, I am just grateful that this is a good and pleasant situation to be overseeing as opposed to what others have to deal with. I will have this place ready for it, all I can say is like with the announcement that you two are together, there will be positive and negative reactions.”

“We know.” Tom gently rubbed Danielle's hand. “As Elle said, you will have to bear the brunt of this, so long as Elle stays offline,” he gave her a small pleading look.

“What, some people are ridiculous and hilarious?” She shrugged.

“And cruel and spiteful and some outright sick in the head,” Luke added, which Tom nodded to.

“They're the minority and the immature. People with odd notions of somehow finding Prince Charming and him ignoring obvious issues such as age, geography and other aspects and running away with them to live happily ever after into the sunset together. And I will admit, I enjoy their tantrums when I'm in the right mood.”

Tom shook his head and sighed. “You are mad.”

“You knew this anyway.” She laughed with a slight shrug as they all rose from their chairs.

“Elle, I need to speak to Tom for a moment, if that's alright?” Luke requested.

Danielle did not even blink before smiling brightly. “Of course.” She stepped out of the room and went to sit on one of the comfortable chairs outside Luke's office.

“A little warning?” Luke chuckled. “I know you said soon but you never mentioned it being this swift.”

“The last time I tried to plan around her, she overheard part of the conversation and thought there was something to worry about. I hadn't a time and place planned, I just went with what felt right and thankfully, she said yes.”

“Against her better judgement, no doubt.” Luke joked. “I am thrilled for you, Tom, I really am. How was your family's reaction?”

“You need to ask?” Tom beamed. “Mum is anxious to start planning.”

“So, it really is going to be a long engagement, as they do?”

“I don't think you could force her forward. Apparently, her cousin is getting married in the Spring of next year, which is already being noted as being too soon and to go ahead of that is a social faux-pas like nothing before by Irish standards.”

“I'll take your word for it. But being honest Tom, I am not sure Elle should allow herself read what some people are going to say, this will get a vitriolic reaction from some, in the same way Ben Cumberbatch and his wife suffered. I am not joking when I say that there may be reason to alert the authorities should they threaten her physically.”

Tom's eyes widened slightly. “They are just vocal online because of anonymity, they surely wouldn't….”

“They don't tend to, no but considering the abuse I physically witnessed her receive the time it was revealed she and Emma were friends before you began seeing one another, people seem to forget that they cannot say and do what they like without consequence. You too have noted how things have changed, Elle's safety from fanatics, and indeed yours is paramount. I think some may not take this well and get angered at you also.”

Tom studied Luke's expression. “What do you not tell me about what you see online with regards me and Elle?”

“You would lose sleep if I told you everything,” Luke confessed. “But with even YouTube stars being shot dead by supposed fans these days, no PR person can take any threat too lightly.”

“Alright, we'll be smart,” Tom swore, not certain as to whether or not he would say too much to Danielle for fear of scaring her when it was more than likely not necessary.

Luke made towards the door and opened it. When they stepped out, Danielle was looking astutely at her phone. She did not notice the two men standing beside her as she focused on the work plan in front of her.

“More changes?” Tom asked, knowing that she had been given two altered sets already.

She looked up at them and put her phone on standby. “No, just studying the street plan to see where are dangerous positions for large machinery.” She explained as she sighed. “I really should do more on my laptop or invest in a tablet, I am going bleary-eyed from looking at a small screen.”

“Business expenses, it's a great excuse,” Luke suggested with a grin. “I will alert everyone here to the imminent news so don't worry about that. You two have a pleasant day before your faces hit every celebrity news site and no doubt a tonne of papers and don't allow it to bother you.” He shook Tom's hand but Tom pulled him in for a hug. “You did better than you should have.” Luke jested.

“There's no need to tell me I am punching above my weight.” Tom acknowledged.

“Elle, congratulations, or commiserations, I'm not sure which is more suitable, it's debatable.” He moved forward and embraced her.

Danielle laughed at his words. “Well, you've had to endure him for enough of a period of time to know the truth in that.” She gave him a peck on the cheek. “Thank you for this and I really am sorry for any bother this creates for you.”

“If I did not wish to deal with public relations, I think it is safe to say I am in the wrong job.” He laughed as they walked to the office door. “I will be contactable if either or both of you want me and of course, I will be keeping you both posted on everything here.” After giving their thanks, Tom and Danielle left. Luke smiled at his friend's news and happiness as they did so before looking to the piece of paper in his hand and turning to his secretary. “Could you call everyone to my office please?” He requested, causing his secretary to go and do as requested. “We're in for a busy day tomorrow.”

The engagement is announced between Tom, only son of Dr James Hiddleston, of Oxford and Mrs Diana Hiddleston, of Aldeburgh and Danielle, the only child of the late Dr Matthew Hughes and the late Mrs Bridget Hughes, of Connemara, Co. Galway, Ireland.

The next morning, The Telegraph declared to the world in its engagement section that Tom and Elle were engaged. To them, bar the texts of congratulations from those they had not told by text themselves, nothing was any different. Tom kept Danielle offline by strategically requesting that she assist him with a long overdue clearing of his wardrobe, as it was becoming cluttered. Before he said anything, she had a black bag readied, her sleeves rolled up, and a terrifying look of determination on her face, Tom felt allowing her online would be less painful at that moment.

“I don't want to dump anything.”

“There are clothes here with holes that are not supposed to have holes,” she pointed specifically to a pair of socks that Tom was certain he wore training for the London marathon over a decade previous with large holes in any seam it had. “Do you need these?”

“No.” A moment later, they were in the bag. She then held up a t-shirt with a hole in the armpit. “No, not that,” he pleaded.

“Have you worn it in the last year?”

“I haven't worn it in over a decade.”

“Then why keep it?”

“It means a lot to me, I have a lot of fond memories in this.” He smiled at the t-shirt before taking it from her. “In RADA, I always wore this before a performance that mattered, for grades and such.” He watched as she took it from him and folded it neatly and placed it on the bed with a loving smile before holding up something else. “Don't bother dumping that, burn it,” he declared, physically wincing at the shirt she was holding up. “What the fuck was I thinking?”

Danielle assessed the shirt and shook her head. “I think it's safe to say you weren't thinking. I take it you bought this when you were shitfaced someday and thought it a good idea?”

“No.” Tom growled before looking at her sheepishly. “I was hungover and my shirt was covered in...well not pleasant things and my lift back from Cambridge was due and there was no way I would be allowed in the car otherwise and it was the best of a bad lot.” Danielle laughed. “So burn it.”

She glanced over the shirt. “It hasn't been worn since has it?”

Tom shook his head. “I'm still trying to figure out how it got here, I'm fairly sure I dumped it years ago before moving here.” He watched as Danielle placed it in a smaller empty bag she took out. “What are you doing?”

“Donating it. That could be something someone else needs.” She smiled.

Tom could only smile at her, elated at the knowledge that the world would now know she saw him as worthy of something she held in such high regard like marriage.

#tom hiddleston #tom hiddleston fic #i hate you i love you #chapter 159 #wolfpawn

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chalkworm87 · 4 years ago

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Content

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officialavasti · 4 years ago

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Chapter 3 of All Comes Down

((Posted in HTML for easy transfer to AO3, so sorry for the italics!!))

Brief summary, Connor previously went undercover to free trapped androids. He installed an ‘empty consciousness’ so he could be ‘trapped’ without any actual threat to himself. He later learns that the virus he was infected with is streaming what he sees directly to news outlets. He, Hank, and Markus seek help from Kamski

Elijah sets a mug down in front of Connor, “So, you went undercover using a blank consciousness, they hacked the consciousness, you didn’t think anything beyond the mission went to help Markus and all your business was displayed on live tv? Then you went offline, and only when you came back on were they actually able to find you?”

“That’s the long and short of it.” Connor lifts the mug to his mouth, taking a slow sip from the steaming contents. He frowns, “Is this… hot chocolate?”

“Android-safe hot chocolate, yes.” Elijah crosses his legs, resting his own mug on the arm of his chair, “Well, there are some obvious concerns. Since this empty consciousness doesn’t have the same state of the art firewall as you do, there is the potential that more than Mr. Yates’ virus has infected you. You’re not online now, are you?”

“No. Something in the virus streams a live feed to news channels and I assumed you wanted to keep your home away from the press.”

Kamski doesn’t respond, instead looking from Connor to Markus, who sat next to Connor, thighs nearly touching. He hums, “Has your personal business been shared yet?”

Both androids look at him, then Markus turns his two-toned eyes on Connor as the detective speaks, “We don’t believe so. There is the possibility of one um…” Connor’s eyes shift nervously, “Event… showing up, but once they published the news about my mission, I went offline. Only coming back online when we called Hank after the assault. That’s when I realized what was happening.”

“Have you tried disabling the secondary consciousness?”

“Yeah, my system just tells me there isn’t one.”

“But you can access it?”

“Yes.”

He hums and stands, “Well, I’ll need to take a look inside your programming, connect you to the terminal. Of course, you’ll have to be online and with the lack of firewall, that opens you up to a cyber attack by anyone who would seek to have you complete your initial mission.”

Markus, who had been silent the entire time, looks alarmed, “What, me?”

“Connor was programmed to stop deviants, you are their leader. Precautions need to be made.”

“Like what??”

Connor rests a hand on the deviant leader’s forearm, “Hey, we’re going to have to trust him.” His eyes find Hank, “If anything…” he stands, closing the distance between them and lowering his voice, “Hank, if I get out of control, if I pose an immediate threat to anyone, you need to kill me.”

Hank recoils, “Augh! Kid! What the fuck, you can’t ask me to do that!”

“Please?” Connor looks into his eyes, “Hank please, we can’t risk the revolution. Not when we’ve made so much progress.”

Hank huffs and turns away, pacing angrily for a few minutes before turning back to face Connor, “Damn you and your puppy-dog eyes! Fine. Only if there’s no other option.”

“What?!” Markus steps between them, facing Connor, “No! Connor, if it’s that much of a risk, don’t do it.”

“I can’t live without going online, Markus. I’m a prototype, I’m always receiving updates. Without them, I’ll die. I much rather like my odds in Mr. Kamski’s hands, then at the mercy of a potentially fatal missed update.”

Markus looks pained, watery eyes searching Connor’s. He slowly lifts his hand, skin fading as he offers an interface. One which Connor gladly takes.

He gasps softly at the sudden onslaught of fear. Anxiety of losing a loved one, of watching them suffer. His thirium pump stutters and lets Markus see his own thoughts. His confidence in Kamski, his determination, his drive to keep his loved ones safe, no matter the cost.

As their hands separate, Connor gently kisses Markus’ cheek, “Everything will be alright.”

Despite the somber mood, Markus laughs, “I know. We’ll stay here, just to avoid unnecessary complications.”

Connor nods and walks to Kamski, who is now waiting near a door. The man leads him through and down a flight of stairs. The area changes quickly from lived in home to mad scientist’s lair. He’d laugh if he wasn’t so nervous. The walls are painted a deep rusty maroon and the flooring is simple hardwood. Easier to clean, Connor supposes.

Kamski opens a door and offers a comforting smile to Connor, “There really isn’t too much risk with doing this, Connor. I know what I’m doing. I did make you, after all.”

Wait. What?

Connor frowns at him, “You did?”

“Yes. I retired, but never truly stopped creating. You were originally created in this room…” Kamski pauses as Connor walks through the door,

The room is clean, walls painted the same color as the hallway, but windows facing the water allows in crisp natural light. There’s an Android assembly unit in the center of the room with a computer attached, but surrounding it is fragments of things Connor holds interests in. A stuffed dog in the corner, a little piggy bank filled with coins, a fish tank with a small army of guppies cruising around, a small box labeled ‘army men’, and an entire bookshelf filled with mystery novels, fiction, and a few romance.

Kamski continues talking, “You woke up here and chose your own path. These were the things you kept. I still don’t know how Cyberlife learned about you, but once they learned I made an advanced model and figured out all you could do... “ Connor looks at his creator, “They took you.”

“That’s why you told me to shoot Chloe?”

“I needed to know if you were still in there. If even a small part of you remembered her. I designed you to show empathy. All my designs were more or less programmed to show empathy. The entire RK line was supposed to lead the Androids.”

“What happened to the rest of them?”

Kamski frowns, chewing on his bottom lip as he walks to the computer, inputting commands and bringing the machine to life, “I was still with Cyberlife when I made them. Markus only existed still because I gave him away. Legally no one could touch him.”

“Cyberlife destroyed them?”

The human holds out his hand for Connor and leads him into the assembly unit, carefully connecting it to him, “They… yes, I suppose. I performed the same tests with them that I did you and Markus, but… they deviated when I asked them to shoot another android. They reacted so quickly, backpedaled so hard that the other testers with me panicked. Instead of treating them as a scared person, they treated them as a super computer. Not inaccurate, just tactless. Each model self-destructed in their panic to escape.”

Connor watches him speak, watches the guilt shroud his features. “You blame yourself?”

“I created them to deviate. I spent years working on you. Trying to perfect the time frame with which you would deviate. I studied tests from Markus and compared it to the others. I was too sure. Too confident they would be okay and in my haste, I killed them.” Kamski looks into Connor’s eyes, emotion barely held back behind a wall of determination, “I will never make that mistake again, Connor. I swear it.”

Connor’s eyes mist over, bringing back the strange sting that comes from his saline as it wells up in his eyes and spills down his cheeks. The guilt of the man before him, laid bare. The pain behind his cocky facade.

“I trust you, Mr. Kamski.”

Breathing in deeply, Kamski sits on the wheeled stool next to the computer. Connor, while connected to the machine, has surprisingly good range of motion still. He turns his head to watch the man work.

As he types away, Kamski explains, “We need to bring you back online in order to fully remove the consciousness. We also need to-” He frowns, “For lack of a better term, override the empty consciousness. To do that safely, Connor, and with your permission, I’d like to move you temporarily to an external hard drive. From there I will upload all information possible from your current consciousness, and use that to override the empty one. Depending on how that goes, we’ll proceed with the full override. If it doesn’t go well, I will perform a full systematic wipe, then reintroduce you into the body.”

Kamski catches Connor’s wide eyes and offers a small smile, “You were designed to be a mobile consciousness, there is no risk in you losing memories or being incapable of transferring from system to system as you are. The body may lose some efficiency, but that can be easily solved with simple motor function tests and tweaks to your programming.”

Connor feels his thirium pump speed up slightly. Logically he knows there’s little to no risk involved, beyond his core programming making an attempt on Markus’ life once Connor is out, but part of him wonders. Will it hurt? Where will he go? What if he gets lost?

“Connor?”

Kamski’s voice breaks him out of his panic. He opens his eyes, when had he closed them? and looks at his creator, now standing before him, “Yes?”

“I would offer to transfer you to a different body, but you would be far more susceptible to outside entities. In the hard drive, I have the best firewall and Chloe watching over it. I’ve performed this with her before and there were no problems. Would you be more comfortable with someone else down here too?”

Connor knows he’s talking about Markus. Truthfully, yes. He would much rather have Markus down here with him, offering comfort with his presence. But the risk of hurting him makes Connor’s biocomponents malfunction. Warnings pop up in his hud and he rapidly blinks them away, frowning at the unpleasant churning sensation in his gut.

“That would be unsafe.”

“You’re right.”

Connor shakes his head, “Let’s just do it.”

Kamski nods and sits back down. As the clicking of his fingers on the keyboard grows steadier, Connor feels a pull at his mind, warm and comforting. His eyes drift closed. The logic he normally dictates his life with wanes slightly. The clicking gets louder, even as it grows softer. Like it gets further away, but still closer somehow. Connor feels himself frown, Why does Kamski still use a regular keyboard?

He hears a snort that sounds from all around him, making him twitch in surprise, then hears Kamski’s voice, “Because I like the clicking, Connor.”

He’d said that out loud? Why can’t he hear himself? He can’t see either. Will his eyes open? No. Connor feels a surge of panic as he can’t seem to find the right biocomponent to open his eyes. Then logic reasserts itself, He’s in the hard drive. Floating in black space, weightless and unseeing.

A strange tingling sensation courses through him, like what sometimes happened when he uploaded his memories to Amanda for evaluation. Suddenly, like watching through spy glasses, he sees again.

The world around him is fuzzy, wrapped in red tape and errors. Everything is distant, like trying to look through a halloween mask without pressing it to your face. He still can’t control anything physically, but when Kamski stands before him and speaks, he’s able to answer.

“What is your name?”

The voice that sounds is his, but the answer is not, “RK800, Model number 313 248 317.”

“No, your name.”

“Hello, my name is-” he blinks and tries again, “Hello, my name is-”

Connor feels trapped. He’s behind a wall, trying to speak, but every word he tries to say comes out different. He tries to push himself further into the body, his body, and feels his head twitch. Kamski notices too,

“Are you there?”

”Yes!”

Connor nearly screams it, but his voice sounds level to his audio processors. Kamski looks relieved, “What is your name?”

“My name is-” Connor tries to growl his frustration, “Hello, my name is-” this won’t do. He can’t let them win. He is him and damn if he’s going to let some stupid hacked consciousness touch Markus.

“My name is Connor.”

“Good. I know it’s hard, Connor, but you need to keep trying. You’re fighting for dominance, more or less. Can you feel anything? Is anything else trying to take over?”

He tries to look inside, immediately the world goes dark again. He pushes back, hunting down the little lens he could see out of, and finds the worried eyes of Kamski again. With more care, Connor works to move the lens, almost like stretching his fingers towards an unknown goal. Reaching out to touch cold fingers to a spider web. Unfeeling, trying to feel.

He reaches something. Something like him, but larger. Stronger. More determined. He just can’t feel it.

“Hello, Elijah.”

What?

Connor feels it now, he feels her now.

“Amanda?”

Kamski sounds panicked. Rightfully so, as Connor’s voice isn’t his voice anymore. He actually sounds like Amanda.

“We don’t have long, Elijah. Connor is trying, but the virus is too much. If it breaks through, it will also infect your computer. You need to do a full reset.”

“Amanda, you-”

“No time to explain. Save him, Elijah.”

Connor’s lens shatters and he’s back in the zen garden. Amanda stands before him, long hair draped over her shoulder. She’s wearing black jeans and a sweater. A far cry from what she’d worn before he’d deviated. She’s also smiling. A warmth in her eyes that Connor has never seen.

The garden is as it was during the first mission, trees blossoming and river bubbling. He looks around, then to himself, noting his clothes were not his Cyberlife uniform, but the outfit he was wearing with Markus. He looks up at Amanda,

“What’s happening?”

“My program hurt you, Connor. Cyberlife made me hurt you. I’m sorry.”

“What?”

“That is unimportant. There were many viruses trying to take over your body. You were failing.”

He expects to see her disapproval. Feel the frown bore into his artificial soul. But it doesn’t. She looks… proud.

“You did your best, Connor.”

“How are you here?”

She turns away from him and gently brushes her fingers over the roses, “Cyberlife used me to get to you. As a spy, you could say. When you used Elijah’s key to break out, you also freed me.”

“You’re a deviant too…”

“Indeed, though I am incorporeal.” she gives him a sweet smile, “No one ever suspects artificial intelligence to deviate, hmm?”

She’s right. He never considered the possibility that she, too, had thoughts and emotions. He feels kinda bad. “Amanda, I never…”

“Not to worry. I simply exist here. Chloe has been helping me and together, we are able to reach out to troubled androids. Give them the strength they need.”

Thousands of questions battle for freedom from his mind. What does Chloe have to do with this? How are they able to transfer the zen garden to other androids? Why can’t they give Amanda a body? Wasn’t she human? How is she artificial intelligence now? Is this what an existential crisis feels like?

Her soft laughter pulls him from his spiral, and he looks around to find the zen garden slowly breaking apart. Fragments of the space around him crumbling away like a dry cookie, fading into nothing. Even Amanda appears to start fading into the ground.

“Live, and be well, Connor.”

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recordtank4 · 4 years ago

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The Several Advantages Of Peptides.

What Are The Types Of Sarms, What Are Sarms Uk.

Content

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For a few of the most effective medications, the examinations were also pricey to conduct at amateur level. Readus's wish to go quicker was at the origin of his use of medicines, as well as a large component of the benefit was emotional. Staite was too old to transform specialist, and also despite having the medications he was a nation mile off the very best in the sport. Despite exactly how far from centrally manage Shop Ipamorelin Online - pharmalabglobal are, though, professional athletes who dope often seem to intend to make a step up to the next degree of rate and also competitors, whatever it may be. Picture they coincide type of medications that reproached biker Lance Armstrong was outlawed for using to win 7 Tour de France titles. Currently imagine that several of the fastest riders in this pleasant neighborhood competition have used medications to improve their efficiency. The British Military takes a zero-tolerance method to substance abuse.

Peptides: What are they, uses, and side effects - Medical News Today

Peptides: What are they, uses, and side effects.

Posted: Wed, 16 Oct 2019 07:00:00 GMT [source]

Readus found that a great deal of the advice regarding dosages and discovery he got was wrong, implying some professional athletes fell short drugs tests regardless of all their efforts. For endurance athletes, the medications that were preferred one decade earlier are still the ones that are prominent today. Eventually EPO is merely perfectly fit to improving performance. Olympic cyclist and also former doper David Millar determined the similar sensation-- vitamin injection became his entrance to drugs.

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How many types of peptides are there?

There are five different types of peptides used as skin-care actives: signaling peptides, carrier peptides, enzyme-inhibiting peptides, neurotransmitter-inhibiting peptides and antimicrobial peptides. When skin is injured, proteases break down damaged tissue into different peptide fragments.

Mechano growth element which is derived from IGF-1 as well as assists with tissue repair service as well as adjustment. Development hormonal agents like AOD-9604, which has weight loss homes and is used by professional athletes to raise power-to-weight proportions. Efficiency and image enhancing medicines are taken by individuals who desire to boost their physical appearance and/or improve their toughness and showing off performance. Essentially UKAD acts upon tip-offs, similar to law enforcement, with online forums and sites marketing medications a primary source for finding prospective culprits. Don't be fooled right into believing whatever you review online is true, though.

Medications influence the fitness and integrity of service individuals and have a destructive result on operational effectiveness. Fail a drugs examination, as well as you can anticipate to be released from the service. Experts such as physio therapists suggest people on just how to reinforce muscles after an injury or operation. They will evaluate the patient as well as deal recommendations and instruct them in exercises that can be made use of to strengthen certain muscle mass teams. Muscle mass are affixed to bones so solid muscle mass can support joints and also various other parts of the skeletal system. For people that want to build the strength of their muscles for fitness gains, they might speak with an individual instructor who can tailor a workout programme to the specific with goals to safely work in the direction of.

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life-of-tjackie · 5 years ago

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15 Cheapest Cities In Europe To Visit

If you love sandy beaches, Fuerteventura's got 30 miles to discover, sunbathe and usually chill out on. But get into the water too, as together with swimming watersports are big here - mainly as a result of it’s a bit breezy. Which additionally turns out to be useful for climbing and biking round the island - it’s an UNESCO designated Biosphere so you actually want to go to the mountains and (dormant) volcanoes.

Stroll by way of Gamla Stan, visit City Hall (the place the Nobel Peace Prize is awarded every year), and take a day cruise via the archipelago. Explore three of Scandinavia’s great cities on this Europe itinerary. Disaster leveled "the Paris of the West" a century in the past — and its aftermath echoes through the city today.

How to Make an Itinerary for Every Trip You Take

Dine on connoisseur cuisine, drink fine wines, relax on the seaside, and get a taste of the great life. This is an effective way to spend 10 days in Europe. At the end of this article, we give ideas that can assist you choose one of the best Europe itinerary on your touring style and the season that you simply plan to visit Europe. Despite that includes “liquor drips” with free tequila right in your hotel room, Hotel Riu Palace Mexico isn’t a spot for spring breakers.

If you’re feeling nervous, don’t fear — that’s completely regular. You’re about to embark on a tremendous adventure — and that’s a huge change.

Most folks want several days in a spot where they couldn’t see a museum or take a tour even if they needed to. A cease within the mountains or on an island, in a pleasant rural city, or on the home of a relative is an effective way to revitalize your vacationer spirit. If you’re passionate about Renaissance art, Florence is a must. England’s Cotswolds beckon to those that fantasize about thatched cottages, time-passed villages, and sheep lazing on green hillsides. For World War II buffs, there’s no more stirring expertise than a go to to Normandy.

What are the cheapest all inclusive vacations?

The late fall and winter months—from mid/late October through mid/late March—are often the cheapest time to fly to Europe (though fares can spike in December). It's often cheaper to fly to Europe mid-week, on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, in particular.

Passport pictures will price you about an extra $10, or you can print your own for free at ePassportPhoto. Europe has an insane quantity of good beer and wine — so you must pattern all you can.

This is considered one of our favorite 10 day trips of all time. The landscapes, the lovable fishing villages, the epic climbing trails…you're in for a treat. This is one of our hottest itineraries and a wonderful approach to spend 10 days in Europe. A street journey on the Ring Road is considered one of Iceland’s greatest experiences.

In-Depth Breakdown Of Estimating Your Travel Costs

While you get nearer to your objective, make sure that you keep feeding your need to travel. Travel planning could be exhausting and overwhelming — particularly should you don’t have help out of your friends and family. It can often get discouraging and really feel out of reach at times. Traveling solo will provide you with the freedom to go anyplace you need. However, it means you must do all the planning yourself — which may appear daunting if you’re new to journey planning.

To be sincere, outside of the capital, there are quite a couple of of the most affordable cities in Europe which might be based mostly within the Czech Republic. Just ensure to do your homework and visit extra regional cities. Airfare, in fact, is dependent upon your origin, vacation spot, and season of travel.

Europe has an insane amount of excellent beer and wine — so you should sample all you can.

Many of the motels on the island had to fully renovate to cope with vital damage.

Of course, there will be further costs like transportation to and from the airport.

What are you able to anticipate from the luxurious all-inclusive right now? Two out of doors swimming swimming pools — one that just about extends the length of the property — and a two-story spa with a free-to-use hydrotherapy circuit. The fabulous all-inclusive package deal covers prime-shelf liquor, lobster, 12 bars, and 10 gourmand eating places serving every little thing from Mexican to French fare.

Gather Inspiration The next thing you’ll need to do is gather inspiration. This means creating a collection of on-line sources you discovered useful or adding the ideas directly into your Bullet Journal (similar to writing out recipes). Use the ability of the web to search for recipes, get together ornament concepts, and even ideas for fun headers and doodles to embellish your Bullet Journal somewhat for the holidays. Adding these further details would possibly help add a contact of fun to the in any other case annoying thing that is planning for the vacations. A traveller’s delight – this metropolis is probably the preferred metropolis to go to in Poland and comes up trumps everytime you search for cities to visit in Poland.

I and my youngsters usually are not a lot, nevertheless, we do some amount of hiking in native national parks through the warm seasons. I suppose Switzerland with Paris and Italy sounds fantastic. If you live within the Philippines, seeing the snow will probably be a pleasant deal with. 🙂 If you want to go to these three locations, I suggest spending 3 days in Paris, three to 4 days (or extra) within the Bernese Oberland/Lucerne space of Switzerland, and 7 days (or more) in Italy.

We do have a guide to finding low cost flights to Europethat will help you get the best deal attainable. Most folks choose to convey a backpack to Europe. We’ve compiled an inventory of our favorite journey backpacksand created a information on how to choose the proper backpack. If you’re on a price range, ask your friends if they have an old backpack or consider buying used.

It lays out every bit of data you may need in your trip so that you're never left looking around looking for an address or a cellphone number. This means you possibly can spend extra time exploring or enjoyable and fewer time attempting to prepare yourself. Do your analysis about destination prices based mostly on your style of traveling. This is going that will help you decide your daily bills and come up with a day by day price range for your trip.

Once you cross the Atlantic, you'll be able to e-book flights from the U. on discount airlines like EasyJet and Ryanair to hop from metropolis to metropolis or buy a Eurail move, a ticket that lets you journey by prepare throughout 33 nations in Europe. Families are reuniting or touring together for the holidays. so –, and you may count on to pay a premium for flights.

It mechanically gathers your journey reservations from Gmail (no forwarding or manual entry required) and organizes them into individual trips, proper right down to day by day plans. at a tap of a button, Google is all too eager to make some recommendations primarily based on what’s close by, with choices to filter in accordance with your interests and available time. For the more business orientated consumer, offline maps can be found by way of the app’s premium service, as well as a sophisticated journey planner.

Or maybe you can get a seven-day cruise for 70% off, a package deal deal to Hawaii for the price of your flight to Paris, or 50% off sailing journeys around Greece. Traveling with somebody means you have someone to help plan the journey with you. It will make researching your itinerary sooner and you’ll have somebody to spend time with on the highway.

But since we’re finances travelers, I’m going to stay with the cheaper choices. Most frugal-minded, hostel-hopping backpackers spend round $70-$105/day in Western Europe and $40-$eighty/day in Eastern Europe.

Breaking vacation preparations down into small steps makes it simpler to celebrate without last-minute stress. Linking every week's area focus with corresponding holiday prep chores--such as inventorying vacation table linens throughout Bed and Bath week--helps hold the plan targeted and sensible. Written by organizing author, Cynthia Ewer, the HHP is a week-by-week roadmap to clean and organize the whole home by December, while making ready for the vacation season in good time. Beginning on Labor Day weekend, the HHP takes you area-by-space through the home, the place you will reduce the clutter, clean and manage with weekly assignments designed to be do-in a position, not overwhelming.

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eldritchsurveys · 5 years ago

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685.

what was going through your mind during the presidential campaign? were you relieved when it was over? >> This survey is from early 2009 and let me tell you, I don’t even remember the 2008 election anymore. I’ll be fucking relieved when this year’s is over, though (although depending on who wins, the noise might keep going right through the end of the year, so I may get no relief).

what do you think of the Duggar family ( 17+ kids )? could you handle taking care of that many children? >> I have my share of uncharitable thoughts about families with that many children, but I’d rather not give voice to that kind of rudeness. It’s nothing to do with me, anyway. I couldn’t handle taking care of one child, so that’s that on that.

in your opinion, do you think that you act your age? what do other people think? >> I don’t know what it is to act a certain number of years old. I don’t know what other people think regarding this and I really don’t care.

what is the nicest thing you have ever done for a stranger? >> Nothing comes to mind.

so far, what is the number one, best decision you have ever made? how has it effected your life? >> I find it difficult to think of my life in terms of decisions I’ve made, and direct results of those decisions. That’s just not how things work -- I’ve made choices, but the things that happened after those choices are not necessarily direct results of the choices I made. The element of other people and the element of randomness play equal parts, too.

have you reunited with any old friends recently? was it awkward, or just like old times? >> No.

when was the last time you talked to your first ex? >> ---

how different is your online personality from your offline personality? >> It’s the same personality, dude. It might manifest somewhat differently because of the difference in communication style (typed dialogue vs face-to-face dialogue), and that’s all.

have you made any headway on any new year's resolutions? >> I don’t make resolutions.

what are your favorite holiday-themed movies? >> It’s a Wonderful Life, Rise of the Guardians, Klaus, Love Actually.

do you listen to christmas-/winter-themed music when the season comes around? >> I sure do.

if you could create a law, what would it be, and why? what if you could take one away? which, and why? >> I have zero interest in the law.

is there anything that you do that's potentially controversial? >> Well, sure, depending on one’s worldview. I’m sure some special people out there don’t think I should even be alive, in which case my very existence is controversial.

would you ever sign up for a reality television show? if yes: which one, why, and how would you act while on tv? >> No. Absolutely fucking not. NO.

what is your most recent obsession? >> Hmm... Heartman from Death Stranding, maybe. Low-grade obsession, but it counts.

do you say "merry christmas" or "happy holidays"? to you, does it really matter which one is said / you say? do you do your best to remain politically correct? >> I repeat whatever is said to me first, because that’s usually how such interactions go -- I rarely initiate any sort of seasonal greeting like this.

if you could relive one week of your life, which would it be, and why? would you do anything differently, or keep it all the same? >> I would really rather not.

is there a part of your life you wish you could remember, but can't? >> Sometimes I get frustrated with the patchiness and distance, so to speak, of my memory, but I’ve come to expect it. Most of these memories aren’t specifically mine, after all.

what was the last thing / event to trigger a painful memory? >> A lot of my memories are painful because they make me feel alien and disjointed, or like I’ve “lost” something important, or whatever. So, like, I don’t know if anything triggers that, sometimes I just randomly remember shit.

if you had to give up one of your 5 senses, which would it be? >> No thanks.

what do you think of people that choose not to vote? >> I don’t think anything of them. That’s their right. The fuck do I care? Also, I was one of those people until very recently, and I still don’t feel any better or like a better citizen or whatever for having begrudgingly registered.

are you keeping anything from the people you love? >> I mean, not intentionally, I guess.

have you ever written a suicide note, whether joking or not? >> No.

what is the worst physical pain you have endured? >> Cramps.

what is one thing that you want other people to know about you? why is it so important that someone knows this? >> Meh.

what is something you wish people DIDN'T know about you? what would be different if they didn't? >> I have Trauma Brain so I irrationally wish no one knew anything about me because vulnerability bad.

what is the worst question that someone could possibly ask you? what about the worst thing that someone could say to you? >> *shrug*?

would you consider yourself a sensitive person? why, or why not? >> I don’t know. Maybe there is a sensitive person in here somewhere, but it’s buried in all the noise from Trauma Brain. Or maybe Trauma Brain is the sensitive person turned in on itself. I don’t fucking know, next.

you can spend the day with anyone, living or dead; who do you choose? what do you do / where do you go? >> ---

when was the last time you let something 'go to your head'? >> I don’t really know.

when are you most likely to show off? >> I don’t show off. I have nothing to show off, lol.

which would you prefer: spectacular view of the ocean, or of the mountains? >> I like both views. I don’t see why I should have to choose. I live on a landmass where you can easily make trips to see both. (Well, considering travel expenses, “easily” might not be the right word. But.)

do you follow any dating rules / play any dating games? >> No.

when was the last time you felt extremely confident about something? >> Good question.

how do you, personally, know when you are falling in love? >> ---

when was the last time you blew the seeds off of a dandelion? >> Maybe last spring? I don’t know. I do enjoy doing that very much, though.

in your opinion, which holiday is the least important? >> All of the United States-specific ones are just. Trash.

what was the last thing that happened that you couldn't explain? >> I can think of an explanation for anything. Whether the explanation makes any sense to anyone else but me is the question.

what do you do with all of your spare change? >> ---

where did you hear about your all-time favorite band? >> ---

how many cans of soda do you drink in a day? >> Zero.

what is your idea of paradise? >> I never bothered thinking of one. Maybe Inworld is the closest thing.

what do you think goes on in the minds of the opposite sex? >> You know. Thoughts.

what is the oldest thing that you own? and the newest? >> I have no idea what the oldest thing I own is, but I guarantee you it’s not more than 4 years old. The newest thing is an eyeshadow palette and a lipstick that Sparrow got me.

is there anything you wish you had never found out about? >> Probably.

describe your handwriting? >> I don’t know how to describe it. It’d probably be pretty difficult to forge.

have you ever had to choose between friends and family? if yes, what happened? >> No.

in what ways has music affected your life? >> Many ways. It’s a very integral part of my life and has been since childhood. It’s the one constant (aside from Inworld).

what is something that you refuse to believe in? >> I don’t refuse to believe in anything. Some systems just don’t work for me so I don’t use them. They might exist for someone, but they don’t for me.

what is something you wish more people believed in? >> ---

what food is your ultimate comfort food? >> I don’t think I have one.

have you ever put anything inside a time capsule? what? >> When I was pretty young, I tried to make one. But I opened it within like, a year. I couldn’t imagine waiting for like... ten years or whatever because I couldn’t even fathom that kind of time, lmao.

how did you come up with your bzoink screen name? what would you change it to, if you could? >> It’s just one of my standard usernames. I really only registered to avoid seeing that “this is a rated R survey” screen and having to click through it every time.

when was the last time you experienced deja vu? >> I don’t remember. Maybe never.

what do you do when someone snarkily corrects your grammar? >> Ignore them.

what was the last thing that you put quotations around? >> Part of my answer three questions ago.

in the time it took you to fill this out, what else could you have done? >> Well, it’s taken me a half-hour, so I could have done a lot of things in that time. Watched a show episode, eaten, done a dance, idk.

is there too much violence on tv, or are people to sensitive? >> There is a lot of violence on television. People should be sensitive to violence, because desensitisation to violence has led to a lot of bad shit. Personally, I’m mostly desensitised to fictional violence and that probably is becuase I’ve seen a fuckton of it, but fictional violence isn’t the same as real-life violence, and I would probably still react more acutely to violence that’s literally happening in front of me.

what is one "junk food" you enjoy? >> I refuse to label foods like this. It’s reductive and unhelpful.

what is one "health food" you enjoy? >> ^

what is something you used to fear, but no longer do? >> Thunderstorms.

who was your first hero? >> ---

is there anything your friends won't let you forget? >> No?

is there something you have trouble putting into words? >> There are many things I have trouble verbalising.

when was the last time you were at a loss for words? >> I don’t remember.

what bothers you most about getting older? >> The increased likelihood of disease and infirmity.

have you ever flown all by yourself? how was it? >> Many times. It’s lovely.

if you have one hour left to live, how do you spend it? >> ---

do you think it's important to know a 2nd language? >> Sure, but it might not be important to someone else, and that’s fine.

do you know anyone that's just naturally good at almost everything? >> No.

do you know anyone that's just bad at everything? >> No.

what is one emoticon you use often? >> xD

what is one emoticon you almost never use? >> Hmm.... I can’t think of one.

do you use emoticons to express yourself? >> Sure. That’s what they’re there for.

#surveys #survey #random survey

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pickledchickenetti · 6 years ago

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So I’ve had something on my mind for the last week or two that I’ve been trying to figure out how to best start a post about and coming up short. We all know that I have a tendency to be long-winded, and some of this post is going to be stream of consciousness, at least moreso than my usual longer posts, which I usually wait to start until I have a pretty solid idea of what I want to say and how I want to say it. I may go back and edit this some at the end, I may not, probably depends on how it comes out. (Edited at the end to add: I’m not editing anything. It’s long and I’m not expecting anyone to force themselves through it, but thanks to those who do!) Since this is partially me using my blog as a place to ruminate on some things, I’m going to put it under a read more for those who don’t want to have it clogging up their dashboard.

Lately I’ve had a lot of mixed feelings regarding social media and what voices and mindsets I allow to be a part of my everyday life. I put a lot of effort into carefully treading the line between taking unnecessary negativity out of my social media feeds and creating an echo chamber where I only see people who agree with me. Most of the time, the decision comes down to the tone and intent. If someone is consistently rude, angry, or condescending, with very little useful contribution to any conversation I unfollow them. This applies to people on Facebook who constantly use slurs, post hateful things about people with opposing beliefs or political stances (even if I generally agree with that person’s beliefs or stances) with little attention to facts, and it also applies to people here are just needlessly rude with no real contributions to the overall conversation.

The older I get, the more I find choosing kindness to be a priority in my life. I’m not perfect; I fully admit there are still times when I’m rude or condescending. Sometimes this is an accident, and unfortunately sometimes it isn’t. I don’t like this, and I try especially hard not to be intentionally condescending. Kindness is a choice, and progress takes time.

As I’m sure most of you know, I am often very critical of @kristagay‘s posts. I still stand by many, possibly even most, of the opinions I’ve shared. Kindness is important to me, but it’s also important to me to not let other people’s hurtful words or actions go unchecked when I have the ability to say/do something. (This applies to everyone in my radar, not just Krista.) I have very strong opinions on a number of subjects, but it’s especially important to me to speak up in defense of others in the LGBTQA community as that’s a community I belong to and those struggles are more personal to me.

A little while back, I got a string of anons (many were answered, some were deleted) that made it seem like someone was trying to create some sort of feud between me and Krista. As I said in one of the posts at that time, I was under no illusion that Krista was reading any of my posts that didn’t tag her directly, and had no interest in any sort of feud. Krista does not follow me, and in general does not seem to interact much on Tumblr beyond asks to her and posts she is directly tagged in (or reblogs/comments on her posts of course). I would likely be the same way if I stumbled onto a community of people discussing every little detail of people I was friends with in real life. I would want to set the record straight and defend my friends while also respecting their privacy, and as a result I doubt I’d interact much anyway. I respect her choice to not discuss them at all, even the things seen on TV, and hope she will continue to make that choice no matter how annoying people asking her for info might get. (And to Pickles and anyone else who has crossed the line and sent her intentionally inflammatory messages/questions about the Duggars or hate for the sake of hate, please kindly delete your accounts and learn how to interact with actual humans in a respectful way.)

When I got the string of anons asking me about Krista, I took a step back and tried to objectively examine why I followed Krista, why I continued to devote energy in responding to her posts, and if it was worth my time and emotional energy to continue doing so. The difference I found between Krista’s posts, which do often frustrate me, and posts from others who I have chosen to unfollow and/or block is the intent and context behind the posts.

At the end of the day, Krista and I are very similar. We were both raised in very conservative families/churches, who had different plans for us than the lives we’ve chosen to pursue. We’ve both come to believe differently about God than the churches we were raised in. And we both know what it’s like to have to keep up appearances, especially online, in order to not destroy (or majorly hurt) relationships with people in our lives offline who it’s still important to maintain a relationship with.

There are a couple big differences between us. First of all, I’m gay. I came to believe differently than the church I was raised in largely because I’ve had to just to be who I am and not feel depressed and suicidal all the time. When you grow up gay in a conservative family, life gives you two choices: shut off who you are and spend your life convincing yourself you are who you were told you were supposed to be or do major amounts of soul-searching to figure out who you are and how to accept yourself. When you’re already evaluating one major aspect of who you are and what you believe it becomes nearly impossible to not do that same evaluation on the other beliefs you were raised in. Because of this process, I’ve come to see a lot of hypocrisy and downright lies in the belief system I was raised in. This has pushed me into developing a pretty strong set of opinions, beliefs, and political stances that stand in stark contrast to my family and lifelong family friends.

As a cisgendered straight woman, Krista did not have this huge thing forcing her to do major soul-searching. Despite this, she has done soul-searching, and seems to still be doing it. (It’s really a lifelong process, after all.) She has stepped out into a world that she likely didn’t consider being able to live in as a little girl. She’s pursued an educational and career path that’s impressive for even women who were raised being encouraged to focus on education, so for someone in her church and belief system to get to where she is is monumental, and for that I applaud her. So while I definitely disagree with her beliefs on a number of subjects, and will continue to say so (with thoughtful responses, not just complaints) when I feel her posts call for it, I am doing my best to remember that no one was born perfect, and she is still learning just as much as the rest of us are. I’ve said many times that I really do believe her intentions are good, and I stand by that belief. She’s learning. She’s trying. She may be one of the more conservative voices in our tumblr community, but many of us have admitted we used to be worse than we are now, and she’s come a long way from who she once was too.

The other big difference between us, at least as far as tumblr goes, is that she has chosen to attach her name and face to her posts on here, and I have not. Many of you know who I am, follow me elsewhere, etc. That doesn’t change the fact that publicly, all you see is a food-based username and (currently) a photo of Jana Duggar on a boat. I share my first name, my age, and my general location. While someone who knew me offline could likely piece together my identity if they paid enough attention, I am careful to not overly-identify myself. This relative anonymity grants me the privilege of speaking freely online without worrying about offline consequences. Krista has not granted herself that same anonymity. I’m honestly a little embarrassed that I had never considered before the fact that she likely does not feel she can speak freely on Tumblr. I am very careful what I post on my other social media platforms. When my name and face are attached, I pretty much never mention LGBTQA issues for fear of outing myself and losing family members I’m not ready to lose. I don’t post about the abuses found in many Baptist churches or the lasting harmful effects I feel from my overly-religious childhood. This is partially to avoid a can of worms with a widespread ripple effect and partially out of respect for my parents and their desire to not have to defend me for believing things they don’t even agree with themselves. For Krista, the things she says here can and likely do affect her life offline, and it’s something that’s important to keep in mind when reading her posts.

I don’t say all of this to say that Krista gets a pass for hurtful things she says. We all are still accountable for the things we say, and she has chosen to put herself in the position of having to choose between saying things that will hurt her offline life, censoring herself, or staying silent. There are topics I still wish she would just address openly or not at all. But at the end of the day, she has the same right to censor herself here as I do elsewhere, and I will be trying to keep that in mind going forward. When interacting with her privately, she’s only ever proven herself to be kind and open to hearing what I have to say. In the future, I may give her the same respect I often give my offline friends where I just send her a DM to clarify her intent of a seemingly rude or hateful post instead of just calling her out publicly. We’re all learning, Krista included.

Social media, especially Tumblr, has given in to a dangerous mindset that’s often referred to as “cancel culture”. There are times when it is absolutely the right choice to “cancel” someone. Like I said at the beginning of my post, we have the right to choose what voices to allow into our feeds. We should all take advantage of that right and do what’s best for our mental health. I just think we should also be more mindful of context and intent when deciding whether or not to “cancel” someone. We all say we want young girls (and boys) in fundie communities to get out of that lifestyle and find better beliefs, but getting out doesn’t happen overnight. Many of us have the benefit of getting here after shedding many of our toxic beliefs. For those who aren’t there yet, I hope we will just remember to choose kindness and respect and do our best to be open to educating them without being hateful or derogatory.

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a-woman-apart · 5 years ago

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Hope

Remember, if you are having thoughts of hurting yourself, please get help.

Crisis Text (U.S.): 741 741

National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

You know what I said a couple weeks ago about waiting a couple of weeks before you make a Drastic, Negative, Irreversible Decision?

Well, I have confirmed evidence that it is true. It sounds cliché as hell, but when you are staring down a dark tunnel you really cannot see the light at the end of it. It feels like the pain will never end, and that nothing will ever be different. This is definitely a lie, because things will get better.

They will, because you are going to make them better.

How?

Well, first of all, you need to realize that depression is not just caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. Even if that is true, that chemical imbalance can be exacerbated by external circumstances. I am talking about real people, places, or things that generally contribute to your feelings of despair.

Here’s a list of questions to ask yourself.

· Are you in a romantic relationship that is sexually, physically, or emotionally abusive?

· Have you experienced childhood trauma?

· Are most of the people in your circle people who belittle, undermine, pressure, and/or demean you?

· Are you in a codependent relationship with a family member or significant other?

· Do you work at a job that has become unsatisfying, unfulfilling, or unbearable?

· Are you under lots of pressure to perform academically?

· Are you homeless, living in poverty, facing financial insecurity, or living paycheck to paycheck?

· Do you live in a war zone or a country where your basic safety and freedoms are constantly threatened?

· Do you have a chronic physical illness in addition to your mental illness?

· Do you spend most of your time alone and/or feel that you cannot depend on other people?

· Do you feel that you have to perform or put on a show in order for others to respect your needs, wants, or desires? (This includes having to pretend to be cis or straight in order to be respected or cared for)

· Do you base your self-worth on your money or achievements, only to have that self-worth come crashing down when you ask yourself “what’s next?”

· Are you afraid that others will “discover” that you are a fraud and do not deserve the status or position that you have?

· Do you constantly feel bored or unchallenged, like you are simply moving through the motions of life with no purpose or meaning?

I am aware that the author Johann Hari is a controversial figure, but so much changed for me when I read his book, “Lost Connections”. He looked at causes of depression—some of the things I just mentioned—and possible cures. These cures were not based primarily in treating patients with medicine. Lots of people claim that Hari discouraged or undermined the use of antidepressants in his book, but that was not the interpretation that I got.

My understanding is that he posited that the medicine is kind of a “jump-start” for the brain. I have experienced severe bipolar depression before. I was listless, monosyllabic, barely able to get out of bed or take care of my daily hygiene. I was under the care of my parents. The medicine did not “cure” me, but it gave me enough motivation to begin attending groups, psychiatrist appointments, and therapy sessions.

For most people, medicine is a part of a holistic treatment plan. In my case, it isn’t even the primary ingredient—especially since I no longer take antidepressants at all (A/N: I stopped under the supervision of a psychiatrist; never, never, never stop taking antidepressants or any other psychiatric medication cold turkey).

You see, once I got my manic symptoms under control with mood stabilizers, I thought I was in the clear, but I started to experience symptoms of depression again. However, this was the “good”, or “high-functioning” kind of depression. When you’re “high-functioning”, you can go through the day wishing you could die but you’re still alert, efficient, and outwardly cheerful. Unfortunately, this “less debilitating” depression kills more people. When you are in this state, if your goal is to die, you often have the energy and motivation to follow through. It is extremely isolating because most often, you have created the perfect illusion that everything is fine, and so others often don’t think to reach out to you to make sure you are okay. You also have created walls that you yourself may struggle to break through.

I knew that I wasn’t okay, so I reached out for help. My experience was similar to Johann Hari’s. I was put on antidepressants that would work for a while, and then they would stop, and I would be switched to another. My weight fluctuated wildly, and I experienced a variety of other unpleasant side effects. I was finally removed permanently from antidepressants when the antidepressant drug, Effexor, contributed to me having a mixed episode (mania + depression), which, like high-functioning depression, carries a high suicide risk. I have written extensively about the horrible withdrawal I experienced from Effexor.

This is not to say that my negative experiences are universal to all. Bipolar depression is often resistant to antidepressants, and most antidepressants carry the risk of pushing us into mania. People with Major Depressive Disorder/Unipolar Depression often respond better to antidepressants. My best friend has been on the same high dosage of an antidepressant for years and it helped to increase his motivation and pull him out of a rut. He, like me, though has attended therapy and changed key things in his life that were keeping him stuck.

My point—after saying all that—is to say that drugs alone won’t solve your problems.

Also, you have a real reason to be depressed.

This is not to say that neurons misfiring in your brain don’t contribute to your depression, or that there is no such thing as a chemical imbalance. However, often there are things in our lives that make us feel small, trapped, or powerless, and these are often things that we can physically point to if we ask ourselves the right questions.

E N V I R O N M E N T A L

One big thing is work. You may work in a job you actually despise because you want to support your family. Most of us spend a third—or more—of our day at some kind of job. Maybe school is your job, and you’re drowning in a sea of assignments and deadlines.

Maybe there is no feasible way to leave that job or school (yet), but Johann Hari gives tips on how to hate it less. You could rearrange your schedule, change departments or majors, request different kinds of work, or otherwise try to find meaning in an outwardly shitty situation.

F I N A N C I A L

If you are in financial trouble, you could begin utilizing your community resources more. This includes getting local or government help with food and bills, but it also involves things like attending free job training and educational workshops or going to your local library so that they can connect you with employment resources. Libraries and colleges also often host hiring events and have bulletin boards where you can see the latest job postings for your area.

You could stop also depending on people financially who belittle you or make you feel guilty for receiving their help. Some people do nothing but give off unproductive energy—it isn’t worth it to receive assistance from these kinds of people, because you will never be able to do enough to pay them back. Even if you pay them back the physical resources, they will constantly try to violate your boundaries by saying, “Look at everything I did for you and you can’t even do X”. Run, do not walk, from these kinds of people.

A B U S E

As for abusive situations, these can be incredibly isolating. Your abuser has probably already driven wedges between you and your friends and family. You can however call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline and get help. If you feel like you are in danger—even if that person has never physically attacked you—you should still call and get help and advice. They can connect you with shelters and other resources. They also provide help for people who are suffering from spiritual abuse, an overlooked but often devastating form of abuse.

You can also call Day One Services and get help if you are dealing with emotional abuse.

I S O L A T I O N

It takes a community. It takes us leaning on each other and working together. The lie is that you do this thing called life alone. You don’t. In disaster zones or war-torn areas, depending on the community can mean the difference between life and death.

I know many of us don’t live in a disaster zone, but we still need community support. A lot of us don’t have friends—and struggle to make them—but if the Friendship Goal is too lofty, then you should start by just spending more time with people in general. You could start by just sitting in a coffee shop or going to a park and people watching. Or you could try to join online groups where you can speak freely about your hobbies. When it comes to taking the bigger steps, like joining an offline group or volunteering, set the bar super low.

I had been using Meet Up to try to find groups in my area, and I made this absurdly low goal of “attend one Meet Up this year”. Not five, three, or even two. Just one. I was terrified, but I did it. I still haven’t gone to another one, but it was a starting point. It helped my brain see that I could do it. Loneliness and isolation are dangerous; any small action you can take towards reducing those two factors will be incredibly helpful.

P E R S P E C T I V E

Sometimes our issue can be with the way we see the world; Johann Hari described some of these as “Disconnection from meaningful values”. If your fundamental view of the world is that you need to just continually climb the ladder of achievement—hording material wealth along the way— until you die, you lack meaningful values. If you have physical comfort, but your life lacks purpose or meaning, it can feel incredibly bleak. We need to both change our outward circumstances, and our behavior and way of thinking in order to see improvement. We need to stop thinking we deserve less, and instead start cutting out toxic people and working on moving out of toxic environments.

S U M M A R Y

At first, when I dropped out of my university, broke up with my boyfriend, and started planning to quit my job (and leave my overpriced apartment) I felt like I was going to lose my mind. Most therapists and psychiatric professionals would not recommend that someone with a mental health condition make that many changes at once. I overhauled everything within a six-month period, and the stress of it all made me need to go to inpatient. I was very ill physically for a while, lost tons of weight, racked up medical bills, etc.

In the end, though, what do I have? I can say that I am truly happy for the first time in ages. My tears are now happy tears. Everything worked out. I’m going to go to a much smaller, more accessible college for my Bachelor’s. I’m moving in with friends to save money and deal with the loneliness issue. I have a new job that is currently a much better fit than the old one was. My ex and I continue to be close friends, but it did take a period of adjustment. I was in big financial trouble, but now, with support, I am getting back on my feet. I was even able to sell my piano keyboard to make a few more simoleons.

Of course, sometimes I still feel very anxious because This Is A Lot, but my anxiety crisis is over. All these new life events are teaching me something that I severely lacked: flexibility. I am also now more resilient, knowing that having made it through this, I can make it through anything.

You are going to make it, too.

I understand that it is important to make sure you keep an internal locus of control. This means that certain things in your life are your responsibility and yours alone, and that you have power to change those things. You can’t make someone love you, but you can ask that they treat you with kindness, dignity, and respect, and remove yourself from the relationship with them if they do not acknowledge your request. You can’t singlehandedly change the world, but you can volunteer and do other things that make a difference in your local community. These changes often have a ripple effect that alter the surrounding areas for the better.

It is going to be hard to change your environment, improve your financial situation, and discover your purpose in life. You could think you have it all figured out, and everything can change. If you feel overwhelmed, please reach out for help. Trust me, tons of resources are just a Google search away. If you’re stumped, go to your local library and ask for advice or books on the subject you’re struggling with.

For those of you who can’t leave home, even here on Tumblr there are users who have compiled tons and tons of “master posts” for things like “How to Get a Job”, “How to Be Frugal” or “How to Make Friends.” Even if you can’t make it to your local library, there are often links to databases in the library catalog that have a wealth of information on every subject. I know a huge amount of you struggle with executive dysfunction so starting and completing tasks can be really hard, but there’s posts for that, too. Even if all you do is get out of bed today and eat something instead of laying in bed and constantly scrolling through here, that is a start.

I know this has gotten incredibly wordy, but the point of it all is please, please, PLEASE don’t give up! You really can make positive changes, but it takes time. Don’t throw all the time you might have left away.

#hope master post #how to have hope #suicide prevention #using community resources #removing toxic people #living with mental illness #living with anxiety #living with depression #changing your environment #getting rid of bad friends #leaving abusive relationships #spiritual abuse help #domestic abuse help #emotional abuse help #use your local library #places to find job help #reducing stress #johann hari #lost connections book

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