#And my parents don't trust anyone else to work on our house after a recent fucking Disaster that has caused our kitchen to look like ass.

[chalcanthitedreams]

I love disclosing the most wild, probably concerning shit about myself online and refusing to elaborate

There's black mold in my house. Has been for a while. Kinda hard to escape

[gurugirl]

Ive never been in a situation like this and don’t know how to navigate it. We’ve been friends for almost 2yrs. And it grew into something more and now we work together.

He’s always around me, protective of me, cares a lot about me and takes care of me. He’s always there when I need him and we’re in a friends with benefits situation. But we never had sex because I’m not ready (still a virgin) and he was ok with it. He never pushes me to do something I’m not comfortable with and said how if it isn’t him I end up with than whoever it is a “lucky man” We also live pretty close to each other, he’s practically my neighbor. So when he left for school in another state I still seen him when he would come to visit me and his family. He’s leaving again in a few months but promised that we’ll stay in touch just like before. And also talked about us in a future sense.

But I found out he’s dating someone for the past 4 months. I overheard a conversation he had with one of his best friends. He said “my girlfriend just texted me trying to come over to my place.” We were all hanging out as a group and so I confronted the friend since he’s also mines and he told me how long they were dating, but made me promise that I won’t tell the guy I like that it was him who told me. So after finding out, I obviously was upset and kept deciding to keep my distance from him. He thought I just didn’t feel good cause I was just recently sick and gave me space but would stop by my house to drop off food, tea, and medicine. Which further made me confused.

He would get jealous anytime I showed any interest in any other man and when he thought I liked another guy from our friend group he would start questioning me. “Do you like him?” “Would you give him a chance?” “Will you tell him about us?” And I would tell him that I didn’t like anyone and seen him as just a friend too. He always said “good I don’t want to lose you” Everyone who sees us interact wants us together. His parents, mines, our friends, coworkers, etc. And they always tease us and he’ll just smile my way or if i’m nearby he’ll hug me/kiss the top of my head.

I really really reallyyyyyy like him which he doesn’t know and under the impression I want things casual and see him as my best friend. I feel like he liked me too until I found out about his gf… I know I shouldn’t want him anymore after this but I do and can’t help but wonder if he actually liked me or just doing extra things just to keep me on the side? Or is it just a friendship? I know I could easily solve this by talking it out but I don’t want to admit that I liked him and fear the idea of him saying he didn’t feel the same and it was just sexual. Please help.

My only fear of telling him how I feel is that I know he’ll want a relationship and I’m not ready for that. Because I just recently started going to therapy to work on myself and my childhood trauma which he doesn’t know about. Now that I know he’s capable of cheating I don’t trust him as much anymore especially since i’m not ready for s3x. He still doesn’t know that I know he has a gf. He spends nearly every day with me which means he doesn’t see her that often and I don’t think anyone else really knows because I’m close with his family and they’ve never mentioned it.

What should I do?

My goodness! I can see how this is such a confusing situation for you hon oh wow!!

I feel like if you've been doing things with him "romantically" on any level (which is why you're saying friends with benefits I assume) and he's seeing someone else that just a big red flag. Also that he's such a close friend to you and hasn't told you he had a girlfriend? He's hiding it from you on purpose. That's pretty clear.

I'm also worried that he keeps trying to kind of keep you for himself (saying things like I don't want to lose you or getting a bit jealous maybe when you are talking to another guy) and talks about your future together, etc. He's keeping you around by saying/doing these nice things but also LYING to you. I think that's the big thing right there.

It could be that he's ready to start having sex and wants to explore that (so he's got himself a girlfriend) but truly does have feelings for you in the meantime. Unfortunately, the way he's gone about it (if this is the case) is totally gross. It's disrespectful to you and the girl he's seeing.

I'm not sure how old either of you are but it really sounds like you're just not on the same page as far as dating and sex go and if you're not ready to date or have sex and he is then that's fine! But he should have been up front with you about everything and tell you that he's got a girlfriend and one day when you're ready if you still like him and he's single then you two could see what happens within a relationship.

But as it is, he's not waiting around, which is fine but he's lying to you and cheating on his girlfriend. He sounds immature and unable to communicate things properly. You don't want to be with a person like him.

I can't tell you what to do or anything because only you have all the details here but if he means as much to you as you say I'd confront him. Tell him you found out he has a girlfriend and make it clear you're not telling him how you found out - because it really doesn't matter how you found out - tho he may try to focus on that and derail the convo or even gaslight you into telling him but don't allow that - tell him that the only thing that matters is to get the truth from him once and for all. But keep your bullshit radar up. You'll be listening to him explain why he did what he did all while having the knowledge that he's a liar so just keep that at the forefront of your mind. I only say that because he seems like someone that would try and sweet talk you or lie again to plead his case and make you feel bad for him. Guys like him are a dime a dozen. I've met them all. That's how I'd approach it.

Now you may not want to get closure or find out why he lied. Maybe you'd just be better cutting ties with him on some level. Keep him at a distance and start making contact sparse. If anything he may finally come to you to ask why and at that point you can tell him why (if you want).

Honestly this is too complex for me to give you truly helpful advice. Talk to your therapist about it. Perhaps this all fits in with your childhood trauma in some way and you might get some closure that way as well.

Good luck to you hon. If you want, I'd love to be updated when you figure something out or if you have anything new happen.

Just be wary of him, which it sounds like you already are. That's the best advice I can give.

xoxo

[jalebi-weds-bluetooth]

Hi AJ. Shy anon here.

I was wondering if you could give me some advice.

I recently started working. It's part of the reason why I haven't been on Tumblr as much as before. The thing is that this isn't the first time I have gotten a job. I've worked for a couple of years before. But this time around the circumstances are very different. My family's financial situation is bad rn because an incident happened at our old home and we had to move to a brand new house. Plus the timing of this was just after my marriage so a lot of expenses had already gone into wedding stuff anyway. My husband has a job and he's had the same job with a steady income since even before we started dating. But he's the only one earning in the family. So we discussed the entire situation and decided that I would also start working again so that the entire pressure isn't just on him.

The issue is that every time I go to work I feel extremely guilty. My in laws are fully supportive and we discussed this with them before I found a job. But my mother in law is now taking care of the house by herself. And she's not exactly sick, touchwood. But I still feel horrible that she has to cook and clean and do everything herself now because I'm away at work. I try and do as much of the housework as I can when I'm at home, but it obviously won't be the same as before. She's also been really exhausted mentally because of everything that's happened and I'm usually the person she comes to to talk about things. Woh kehte hain na mann ka boaj halka karne. Waise vaale conversations. So I feel bad about leaving her alone in the house too.

The guilt is so bad to the point where I've spent nights sleepless and crying and apologizing to my husband for everything. Because I really do want to work and help him manage the house financially but I also really don't want to leave all the house responsibilities for maa to handle alone. My husband has been really patient and understanding and he's told me that he's perfectly fine with me not working if I feel guilty about leaving the house. But the thing is I would feel bad about quitting my job now too because I already committed to helping out my husband financially and I really do want to share that responsibility with him.

I'm reaching out to you incase you have some advice or even just some comforting words. I think it would really help me out.

I'm also really sorry for talking about my personal problems on your blog but it just felt easier to talk to you than to anyone irl because I can't find it in me to talk to my parents or relatives about this because idk it seems wrong somehow to discuss sasural ke problems with them. I feel like my sasural waale won't like it.

Thank you for reading the entire message. Please take care.

Bye 🥰

Dear Shy Anon,

Sending you the biggest hugs and care ok. Thank you for trusting me and opening up.

I will try to keep this brief yet constructive so I can offer some comfort as well as advice.

First of all life is about trade offs. That is when you decide something you have to adjust something else. It does not mean one is more important than the other, it just means that in life we all try to take the best decision possible.

What you are doing is EQUALLY AND EXTREMELY IMPORTANT. Providing financially is the core of a household sustenance. Change is tough and you're worrying you're leaving important responsibilities behind but you also have to recognize that you have taken a NEW responsibility. While it's natural to feel worried over not doing your previous responsibilities, executing your new ones perfectly will also comfort and serve your family the way they need. You are being there for your family. It's like this, for breakfast you're now cooking pancakes and juice instead of paratha and dahi. It's a change, but ultimately you are giving breakfast to your family and keeping them fed. Bottom line, you are providing for your family and you need to have your courage with you *hugs*

TIME MANAGEMENT. Somethings are very important for you and your family. Such as spending time with aunty. So even though it's no more an hour long chat but ensure you're spending some time with her by scheduling a routine. Maybe you both have morning chai together. Maybe it's the evening chai. Maybe just before sleeping for the day you spend half an hour together. But ensure a daily time with aunty to ease your anxiety.

SHARE RESPONSIBILITIES. What is most important is to understand you won't be able to do everything you did before. If you expect to do everything or even half of what you did previous to your job, you will fall short on your expectations and be anxious about not doing enough. Just take up one responsibility. Maybe you're doing the morning tea. That's it. Or the night dishes. That's it. I know it does not feel enough but if there's one thing that you and your husband can do - then that's two things off aunty's list.

SAVE FOR HOUSEHELP. I do not know if you have a househelp or not but investing in a good househelp is necessary for the house to smoothly run and I'd definitely recommend saving for that. Share this plan with your husband. Aunty might say it's not at all necessary, lol, but still sit with her after a couple of months and you both select a househelp who will help aunty with major tasks like dusting, mopping, laundry and prepping ingredients.

FAMILY TIME. I understand family is an important aspect for you and small things matter a lot. Maybe every Saturday night it's the family eating dinner and watching a favorite film together. Or it's a small date night with you and Mr Shy Anon. The point of these moments is to try and bring in joy even during stressful times. Because life will always have stress in one way or the other and sustaining relationships even during the tough times matter.

All in all now you have a new responsibility Shy Anon, and by trying to incorporate the new changes while financially providing the best for your family means the most. Write on a wall what's your purpose for your family. That you're working towards a particular goal that is fulfilled with you and your husband working. Sometimes we lose sight as to why we take certain decisions with our fears, anxieties and sadness. But remind yourself every morning that there's a reason why you're working.

Your motivation, courage and happiness is the pillar of your family. When you're positive, so is your family. And please, always cry and let out your fears. Keep messaging me, crying to your husband, saying sorry to aunty to ease your heart when it hurts! And then smile brightly and go forward with purpose. It is so brave to do everything you can to support your family. And honestly I'm just sending big hugs to your whole family for they're all doing their best.

Cry it out my love and stride forward. We're all sending you the biggest positive hugs.

Much love,

AJ (also always check notes cause people leave sweet words in comments!)

[purplesurveys]

1881

Who’s the first person you can think of that has curly hair? Someone I went to grade school with, which is interesting to me because she hasn't had curly hair since we were 9. She stands out to me though because I remember asking her how her hair got to be curly, and she told me she was part-Aeta. I thought that was very fascinating to learn and since then I've always remembered her as once having curly hair (even though she had it straightened for good the year after).

What is something about the opposite sex that you don’t understand?  I don't think there is any one thing, but most guys I've talked to or worked with have been very nonchalant; almost to the point of looking like they don't give a shit about what I or anyone else tells them haha. I never get used to it and always get taken aback by the unenthusiastic reactions to everything.

Have you done anything stupid recently?  Good question. I don't think so.

Do you struggle to talk about your feelings?  Not for the most part, but it also depends on the person. I don't open up to my parents easily, for example.

Out of all your friends, which one is the quietest? That will probably be me.

And which one is the loudest?  I'm not sure. All my friends seem reserved now that we're a little bit older haha. Maybe Andi? Lui and Kate to, I suppose.

Think about the last time you were angry; what was the reason? My mom was changing the program flow that I orchestrated for our grandparents' surprise party – on the goddamn fly. Every single segment had some sort of change to it that the host and I had to pivot toward as each was happening. Sooooo frustrating and I had to resort to PR director mode to manage her and tell her she can't keep doing that to every fucking part because everything was already set up such that the program would flow seamlessly.

Is your mascara waterproof? I do not use mascara.

Are you going out tonight?  NO THANKS

The person from your past who hurt you the most is standing right in front of you. What do you want to say?  How have you been?

Imagine that you don’t hear from your best friend for two weeks. You don’t see him/her at all, and he/she doesn’t answer any calls, texts, Facebook messages etc. You go round to his/her house, but no-one answers. What do you do?  I'd ask her boyfriend and parents.

Which do you like best - your hair or your eyes?  Eyes.

Did you watch Scooby Doo when you were a kid?  I didn't, but I played a Scooby Doo video game.

Is there anyone you know you definitely CANNOT trust?  Yes.

Have you ever imagined what your wedding might be like?  At some point. But I've stopped thinking about it for nearly half a decade now.

What is something that people often call you, other than your name?  Nope.

Are your sleeping patterns messed up? It kind of is and it's so frustrating haha. I need to sleep earlier for a while because I've been waking up at 8:45 AM these days...which is super inconvenient considering I start work at 9. I used to wake up at 7:30 sharp, alarm or no alarm, and I need my body clock to go back to that practice

Who is the most intelligent person you know?  Hans or Andi.

What should a member of the opposite sex do if they want to get your attention, or impress you? Doesn't depend on the sex lol, but I appreciate someone who's smart and can contribute a lot to a conversation.

Are you a happy person these days? Why/why not?  I've had a dip recently because my imposter syndrome has been getting in the way of work and I always feel like there is a target behind my back. Apart from work – happy as can be. I wish I can for once be smooth-sailing in my professional life lol.

Have you had an argument with the opposite sex recently? Nah.

Do you like sushi?  Love sushi and can eat it everyday.

Do you ever tweet the celebs? And has a celeb ever tweeted you?  Nobody that's like a mega celeb like Ariana Grande or whoever. I've gotten tons of interactions from wrestlers, though, that I stopped listing them down.

What were you doing 15 mins ago? This. I'm taking forever to finish because I have distractions in between hahaha – eating my doughnut, watching Run BTS, checking Instagram...

Do you tend to trust people easily, or do you try to be careful about who you trust?  I'm careful.

Have you ever talked about someone behind their back?  Yes, both nicely and not-so-nicely.

Have you ever seen photos of your parents when they were young? Yes. They have tons.

Do you think it’s sweet when you see couples kissing in public, or does it make you feel uncomfortable?  It's fine with me but nothing too gross/explicit plz.

What are you doing later? I wanna do more of these but I also want to play a bit of RhyHi.

[bellarkeselection]

An Artist Park View

Request from @itsautomaticfaegirl Reader is painting at a park and klaus is intrigued, they start talking and they have a lot in common. She becomes his best friend and slowly they fall in love with a sweet kiss in the end.

@rosie-posie08 @colbysbrocks

Sitting the brush down with orange paint on it I smiled seeing that I had almost finished painting the orange tree that I was sitting by on a bench at my college campus. The wind blows my hair in my face as I pulled my red flannel closer around me getting caught off by a brittish voice that broke through the air. "You're getting better since the last time I watched you paint." Wiping my head around I smiled seeing my best friend Klaus Mikealson walking up to me. His hands in the pockets of his black jacket before he takes a seat beside me on the bench. "Are you spying on me again, Nik. I thought we said to give me heads up before you get close." He chuckled since I told him growing up I didn't trust many people especially guys since my father beat my mother once or twice. "I may the big bad hybrid but I promise to never hurt you." He softly spoke seeing that I was avoiding his gaze once again.

He gently made an attempt to rest his hand on my knee but I stiffen my back so he drew it away not wanting to make me uncomfortable. His gaze shifted towards the orange trees painting recognizing it from a few weeks in the past. "You seem to paint this particular one a lot. Can I ask why love?" Lifting my head up I finally met his blue eyes giving him a weak smile. "Growing up everytime my parents would fight there was this big orange tree outside our house. I couldn't hear them bicker as loud so it became a safe place." Slumping my shoulders I leaned back on the bench where I felt him place his hand on my knee again just listening. "Everyday I keep my guard up too afarid that any guy I meet will be like my father...that's why I don't ever get close to anyone...except for you apparently. But it's silly right that you might like me."

Klaus smiled bending his head thinking back to the morning we met. I was running late for class and I almost tripped on the stairs until he wrapped his arms around my waist saying that he would hate to see two works of art to get ruined. The hybrid had recently admitted to himself that he liked you more than just a friend because you saw past the monster that he showed everyone else. "Y/n, there's something you should know. You're not silly for thinking that because I feel it too." I felt my cheeks turn bright red when he slowly leaned forward kissing me gently. I lean into enjoying the feeling so I wrapped my arms around his neck until I needed air being human. "Maybe you could paint me sometime after we've had a few dates." I suggest seeing a smirk grace across his face perking my lips quickly draping his arm over my shoulder with my head laying on his chest.

Comments really appreciated 😊

[gabriel-agreste-has-no-rights]

I keep forgetting to post my fics here. have some ladynoir angst, desperada + gamer 2.0 flavor. inspired by @marinetteplztakeabreak

Rating: T

Summary: Chat Noir refuses to let anyone else play as Desperada. Ladybug doesn't know why. But she /does/ know that if he sacrifices himself one more time, her heart won't be able to take it. He doesn't know how it feels to watch her vanish in front of him... right? (Ladynoir, Set during/after Gamer 2.0)

Word Count: 5771

XXX

“No!”

Marinette’s hand paused, leaving her red cursor highlighting the triangular icon for Desperada.  

“Chat?”  Her eyes darted around the cramped pyramid, wishing she could see him, but her field of vision was eclipsed with the akuma selection screen until she chose a fighter.  And even then, she’d enter the body of the akumatized victim; she still wouldn’t be able to reach her Kitty.  

Had Gamer 2.0 broken the rules?  Chat had seemed to be enjoying this game, but his voice just then— 

“Don’t pick Desperada,” his voice crackled through her earpiece.  Something was off for sure.

“Why not?”  She asked. “She’s got an easy power to win with.  I know you’re having fun, but we do still need to win.”

“I know, I know, but… please.  You can win with anyone, my Lady.  I’ll take Desperada.”

It was a strange request, but Marinette wasn’t picky.  He was right; her strategy didn’t require any overpowered finishing moves.

“Are we going to play or not?”  Gamer 2.0’s voice whined.

Marinette scrolled her cursor up and over to Gigantitan.  Chat was always willing to listen to her plans. Of course she would respect the one thing he asked of her.

Though she easily won the match, she couldn’t shake the echo of Chat Noir’s panicked voice.

XXX

Stupid, stupid.  Adrien’s hands still shook where they were trapped inside of the control console.

He should’ve just let Ladybug play as Desperada.  What safer place could there be for her than inside the villain—no, victim, he could usually remember that—who haunted his nightmares?  She couldn’t go up in golden smoke if she was the one wielding Desperada’s shapeshifting instrument.

But still, he wasn’t sure he could watch Desperada in action without clawing at his wrist, even if he knew his Lady was the one beneath her skin.  And he knew he couldn’t let Ladybug face her—and he couldn’t face her—so there was only one solution his suddenly-whirling mind provided him.

He selected Desperada and slammed the button.

His body flickered, leaving him weightless for a brief second before he was thrust into the akuma victim’s body.  He kept his eyes shut for as long as he could afford—not long, since Gamer 2.0 had chosen Pixelator.  Another villain with a one-hit k.o.

Just don’t think about it.  It’s just a game.  It’s not her, you’re not Aspik, you’re not going to be trapped here again, you’re Chat Noir and you LOVE video games it’s just a game it’s just a game it’s just— 

Pixelator’s blast nearly hit his feet.  Only a quick skid across the slick arena floor saved him.  Not that he’d be gone gone if he lost this match—but it would mean that Gamer 2.0 ended up with Desperada’s weapon.

Adrien grit his teeth.  He couldn’t risk that.  Her would win.

“Chat?  Are you okay?”  Ladybug’s voice came through his earpiece, but he couldn’t afford to be distracted by her.  Not like he had been 25,913 times before.

“Fine!”  He managed to choke out before gripping the trombone in his hands.

Pixelator fired off a few more shots, but apparently Gamer 2.0’s practice hadn’t improved his hand-eye coordination.  The glitchy-looking projectiles flew wide enough for Adrien to scramble away, roll, take aim.

One shot.  He just needed one shot.  It would be easy.

But squeezing the modified trombone’s trigger?  Not so much.  

Panic gripped him, months upon months of memories slamming back into him as his gaze skirted the brass weapon.  Five thousand separate instances where his Lady had disintegrated at its hand.

“Chat!  Get your head in the game!”

Ladybug’s voice startled him enough that his hands clenched—squeezing the trigger and blasting that horrible, horrible noise.

Pixelator vanished in a spray of golden smoke.

Pixelator.  Not his Lady.

His hand squeezed the blood from his left wrist anyway.

“Desperada wins!”

The announcer’s voice hit like a punch to the gut, and his body reacted by leaking bile into his throat.

But he won. 

He won.

His body rematerialized in the control pyramid, and Ladybug wasted no time in picking her next fighter.  She was laughing, using Prime Queen to hurl Princess Fragrance against the ground. She was having fun.

She was here, with him, even if he couldn’t squeeze her hand to physically reassure himself.  She was here.

...And, he realized when it was his turn at the selection screen again, she still needed him.

If his time fighting Desperada had taught him anything, it was that he would never let down his Lady.

XXX

“The times when I have the most fun—my favorite moments— are when I'm with you, my Lady. And I would give up everything for just that.”

Chat Noir’s words echoed in Marinette’s mind hours after the fight with Gamer 2.0.  Hours after Max had left her house, cheered by the time spent with her and her parents.  Hours after she lady in bed, trying to convince herself to sleep.

He did give up everything for her.  All the time.  Including today.

Did he know how much it hurt to watch him fall out of the arena?  And he’d had the nerve to wink at her while he did it!  While she couldn’t doubt his logic—and while warmth pooled in her at his trust—what if she’d failed?  She’d been pushed to the brink today; she’d snapped and directed her frustrations from her civilian life at him.  And the whole time, he’d taken it, talked her down, taken the hit.

Just like he always did.

He always did.

She buried her face in her pillow, wishing she’d at least taken the time to thank him today.  He knew she couldn’t do this without him, didn’t he?  So much of their partnership went without saying… 

But then again, she hadn’t realized how much she meant to him until he’d said it, either.

“Marinette?”  Tikki whispered from her spot next to her pillow.  “I thought you’d be asleep by now.  You were exhausted today.”

“I am exhausted,” she groaned, squeezing the pillow against the sides of her head.  “But I can’t stop thinking about…”

“About who?”

Marinette peeked out enough to glare at her kwami.  She knew, of course—she’d said who, not what—but she was going to make Marinette say it.

“Chat Noir,” she huffed into the pillowcase.  “He sacrificed himself again today.”

Tikki nodded, even though she probably already knew that too.  Her kwami had a good sense of what happened while Marinette was in the suit, though she was unable to explain how it worked in a way that a human mind could understand.

“But you saved him,” Tikki said.  “Just like he knew you would.”

“I know I can, but… it still hurts, you know?”  Her voice came out as little more than a whimper.  “I know I’m Ladybug, and I have to purify the akuma, but still… I couldn’t do it without him.  And it’s like he didn’t even think before jumping today!”

“Because he trusts you, Marinette.”

“I know!  But—”

But what?  There really wasn’t anything else to it.  She’d tried talking Chat out of taking hits before.  She could never get him to promise to stop, not when Paris needed the Miraculous Cure more than it needed his Cataclysm.

But.

But.

She just wanted him to be okay.  He’d said he was fine—that his favorite moments were with her.

How could they be, when he was always in so much danger?

How would he feel if he knew how much she worried about him?  Not all the time, of course—just times like this, when she remembered him falling like a ragdoll, disappearing, fading from existence.  It hadn’t been as bad as Timebreaker for sure, or even the Puppeteer when he’d been briefly turned against her—but those had been so long ago.  Maybe it was just the recentness of it, reminding her again just how much she cherished her partner.

Not that she could tell him that so directly.  He’d never stop riding the high of it.

Tikki smiled knowingly.  “If you’re worried about Chat Noir, you should tell him.  He’s your partner. And I… don’t think he gets to hear how much he means to people very often.”

Of course, Tikki had managed to follow her train of thought.  Being literally merged as Ladybug tended to make that easier for her.

“You really think his ego isn’t big enough?”  Marinette grumbled.

Tikki’s eyes turned sad.  “This isn’t Chloe we’re talking about.  He’s your friend.”

Marinette’s brows drew together.  He was her friend, and her partner, and… and he couldn’t be more than that.  Today had reminded her why.

If it already hurt so much to watch Chat throw his life away, how could she handle it if she were in love with him?

“Right,” she mumbled, hating the way her exhaustion twisted her thoughts.  She couldn’t be in love with Chat anyway—because she was in love with Adrien.  She’d taken down some of his pictures since becoming better friends with him, but a few still peeked out from the top of her cork board.

She’d never displayed a picture of Chat Noir, even if she could easily pass herself off as a casual fan.  She wasn’t sure her heart would be able to take both blond-haired boys staring down at her.

This was useless.  She’d been worried about Chat’s safety, not whether or not she was in love with him!

“Tikki?  You think I could get out for a bit to clear my head?”  Lying here in the dark certainly wasn’t cutting it.

“Of course.  Just don’t stay out too long; you still need your rest.”

That much was obvious, especially if she was entertaining romantic thoughts of Chat Noir.

After a whispered “spots on,” she swung out into the night.

XXX

Adrien wound the red string around his left wrist.  Breathed in.

Unwound.  Breathed out.

Wound.  Breathed in.

Unwound.

The rooftop’s shingles still dug into Adrien’s back, but some of the tension uncoiled from his shoulders as he methodically twisted Marinette’s lucky charm.  Maybe it was silly, but more than anything else he’d tried, it worked.  Having something to replace the weight of the miraculous bracelet he’d worn for so long… maybe it should’ve been a reminder of all the times he’d failed, but instead it gave him hope.

How could anything bad happen to him while he held his friend’s lucky charm?

A gentle breeze kissed his masked face as he held his wrist up to the moon.  The green and pink beads glinted brightly against the inky black of his gloves.

He was glad the moon was the only one who could see him from his hiding spot on the abandoned roof.  What would Ladybug think if she knew he had such a weird way of clearing his head? Maybe she’d joke that she was being replaced, that he didn’t need her luck anymore if he had Marinette’s.  But no, that thought wouldn’t even occur to her.  Unlike Adrien, she knew she couldn’t be replaced.

“Chat Noir!  You know you’re irreplaceable.”

He tried to remember her reassuring words every time those doubts crept in.  She had needed him today.  Something had been off with her, a vulnerability he rarely got to see.

“Aren't you scared you'll eventually have to sacrifice everything you love for all of this?”

It would be hard to sacrifice everything he loved when everything he loved was her.  He’d toned down that sentiment out loud, but he still wished he could pull her into his arms, promise her that everything was going to be okay, that they’d beat Hawkmoth and steal his miraculous and reveal their identities to each other and fall and love and move to a private island with a hamster— 

He chuckled at his own fantasy.  He could dream, right?  He had to have something to get through the days when all he could remember was her vanishing over and over, golden smoke and shocked blue eyes— 

The charm bracelet was too tight on his wrist.  He quickly unwound it before the red string could snap.  

Breathed out.  Wound. Breathed in— 

And nearly choked when his staff started ringing.

He rolled over and whipped it out from behind his back, too shocked to even pretend he was busy before picking up.  “LB?  You okay?”

“Oh, um… I didn’t think you’d be up, honestly.”  Her awkward laugh echoed over the pounding of his heart.  “Are you okay?”

“I’m absolutely purrrrfect now, my Lady.”  He grinned.  Marinette’s lucky charm has paid off again.  “How about yourself?  Just wanted to have a chat on this feline evening?”

“Nope, nope, that’s it, I’m hanging up.”

“No no no don’t go,” he said in one breath, both hands tightening around his staff-phone.  “I mean. You didn’t even tell me why you called yet.”

“I can’t just want to chat with my kitty?”

Oh, that put fluttery feelings in his stomach.  It was probably for the best that she wasn’t there in person to see his absolutely smitten look.  “You made a pun.”

“Completely accidental!”

“Suuuure it was, bugaboo.”  He was pushing it, he knew, but she’d called her his kitty.  Either something was finally going right for him… or something was very, very wrong.  “Seriously, though.  You never make house calls.  What’s up?”

“I… nevermind, this was stupid,” she muttered.  

“No excuse to talk to you is stupid.”

She paused, and for a moment he was sure she’d hung up.  But then she said, “Meet me at the Eiffel Tower in ten minutes.”

“As you wish, my Lady.”

He tucked Marinette’s lucky charm away in his pocket, making sure to zip it shut.  Then he vaulted off into the night, leaving memories of other bracelets and vanishing Ladybugs behind.

XXX

“We need to talk.”  Marinette crossed her arms to keep them from shaking.

Chat Noir dropped onto the crossbeam in front of her, a grin wide on his face.  “What, you’re not even going to take me out to dinner first?”  

She found herself wishing she’d brought some croissants, if only to have one to throw at him.  “Can you—can you be serious for once?”

Her voice cracked pitifully.  She was doing it again—taking out her fear and anger on him, and he didn’t deserve it, and she just…

She covered her eyes and crouched down on the cold crossbar.  “I’m sorry, Chat.  I—I shouldn’t have asked you to come out this late.”

“Hey.”

She felt more than saw Chat sit down beside her.  His arms came gently around her, slow enough that she could’ve chosen to pull away.

“You know I’ll always come when you call, little Bug.”

She tried to snort at the nickname, but it felt all too accurate.  She felt so, so small.

“I know you will,” she murmured, twisting to better return his undeserved embrace.  “I’m still sorry. I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciated you today.  I’ve been… having a rough time in my civilian life.  It wasn’t fair to take it out on you.”

“We all have off days, LB.  Don’t worry about it.”

Of course, it hadn’t even fazed him.  How many times had she taken that for granted?

“I know you don’t want to reveal too much about our identities, but if you want to talk about anything that’s bothering you, I’m all ears.”  He pulled back just a little, enough for her to see him twitch his leather cat ears.

She rolled her eyes, but couldn’t hide a smile.  “I just took on too many obligations at the same time, that’s all.  It’s a problem I have.”

“Somehow that doesn’t surprise me.”  He smiled sadly.  “You’re always sacrificing so much for others.  I can’t imagine your civilian self is any different.”

Her face warmed at his praise.  She did do a lot, but she doubted he’d find her exploits as Marinette half as impressive as Ladybug.  Besides—

“I can’t believe I’m hearing this from you, the most self-sacrificing person I know.”  

Her gaze peeled away from him as his most recent sacrifice again flashed through her mind.  Would it be worth bringing up again?  He’d never stop choosing her safety over his own.  And she really didn’t want to argue after just apologizing to him.

“Sorry.”

His soft, sad voice surprised her.  Of course it hadn’t been hard for him to guess what she was thinking—he did that all the time when they fought side by side—but he’d never sounded so much like… like he understood.

“I should’ve thought a little harder before jumping today.  That was probably hard to watch.”

“Probably?”  She couldn’t help gaping.  “Chat, it hurts every time I see you throw yourself into danger.  We could’ve found a way to trick Gamer 2.0, or at least come up with a plan.  But you just…”

Left me.

That was it, wasn’t it?  It was supposed to be her and him against the world.  Even if the fight could technically be handled alone sometimes, she needed him.

Her partner’s claws scratched at his wrist, just below the leather brace.  His gaze wouldn’t focus on her.

“I’m sorry, Ladybug, I really am.  I wasn’t... having the best day either, I guess.”

“Hey,” she said, taking his hand—had his claws been digging into his suit?—and giving it a gentle squeeze.  “I’m sorry.  I know we’ve talked about this, and I don’t want to fight about it again.”  There had been too many tears last time, from both of them.  (Mostly her.)  “I’m sorry today was hard for you too.”

“Don’t worry about it.”  He shook his head, but his grip tightened on her hand, like she was anchoring him.  “It was nothing, really.  Just not at the top of my game.”

The pun was forced, and she knew it.  She frowned up at him.

“I’m not going to stop worrying about you just because you tell me to, Chat.  Do you want to talk about it?”

“Can’t.  Civilian stuff,” he said quickly.

“Really?  I guess I just thought… nevermind.”

“What?”

Maybe she’d misread the situation earlier—after all, she hadn’t been able to see his face while they were in the Gamer’s domain.  Could the strange panic she’d thought she heard in his voice just been her imagination?

“You didn’t want me to play as Desperada.  And you seemed a little off afterwards…” 

He shuddered at the akuma’s name.  “You noticed?”

“Of course I did.  You sounded scared, but I didn’t want to ask and give Gamer 2.0 anything he could use against you.”

“Smart,” he said under his breath.  “I should know I can’t hide anything from you.”

“I don’t know about that.  It’s not like I know your identity.”

He gave a shallow laugh at that.  “Right…”

There was an awkward silence, where nothing passed between them but Chat’s rapid pulse against her palm.  She still hadn’t let go of his hand.  He hadn’t teased her about it—which was more of a sign that something was wrong than anything.

“You know,” she said under her breath, tracing her thumb along the back of his hand, “keeping you safe is my number one priority, right?”

“No it’s not.”  He shook his head, but he didn’t sound bitter about it.  “Keeping Paris safe is your priority.  Keeping you safe is mine.”

She bit her lip.  Unfortunately, no matter how her heart felt, he was right.  

“I just mean… the rules we have, about identities and everything—it’s to protect us.”  She swallowed, wondering if she’d regret what she was about to say, if she was only considering it because she’d been worn down by the emotionally exhausting day.  “But if you need to talk about something related to your civilian identity that’s affecting you in battle, well… I can’t protect you if I don’t know what’s going on.”

His eyes snapped up to hers.  “Don’t say that.”

“W-what?”  His intensity caught her off guard.  She was always one to shut down conversations that danced too close to their civilian life, not him.

“If you give me permission to talk about this… I don’t know that I’ll be able to stop.”

His shoulders hunched; his knees pulled up to his chest.  For all that he’d called her Little Bug earlier, she’d never seen him look so small.  Not when she’d told him she was in love with someone else.  Not when they’d fought a horde of akumas turned by Scarlett Moth.  

But she’d rather face a hundred akumas then see her partner look so defeated.

“Chat Noir.”  She squeezed his hand tighter, afraid he would slip away.  “I trust you.  I know you wouldn’t reveal yourself to me on purpose.  I’m not trying to tempt you or anything, I just… I hate seeing you like this.”

Maybe it was selfish of her, but could he really blame her for wanting to help him?

“Let me protect you for once,” she whispered.

“You already have.”  He looked up, and to her surprise, tears welled in the corners of his green eyes.  “So many times.”

“Then let me do it again.  Maybe I can’t keep you from getting hurt, but at least let me be here for you.  You don’t have to pretend to be okay all the time, you know that, right?”

“I do, actually.”  He snorted, wiping at one eye with his free hand.  “Can’t get akumatized.”

Marinette could’ve punched Hawkmoth in the face right then.  Well, she wanted to punch Hawkmoth all the time, but especially now.

“Forget about that.  I’ll watch out for any butterflies, if you just want to… you know.”

Sometimes you just needed a good cry.  Marinette hadn’t had that luxury since becoming Ladybug two years ago—except for a few rare times where Tikki had kept watch for her—but she had no idea how much Chat might have been bottling up.

From the sound of his shaking sobs, it was a lot.

“It’s okay, kitty, I’ve got you.”

She released his hand, but only so she could better wrap her arms around him, curling into his side.  He collapsed into her embrace.

“It’s okay.  I promise, I’m not going anywhere.”  She ran her hands through his hair, scratched gently behind his cat ears, until a low rumble sounded in his chest.  She didn’t let that fool her though; she’d read that cats sometimes purred when they were in pain.

And her kitty was in more pain than she’d ever realized.

“I can’t lose you again,” he finally said against her collarbone.  “I can’t.  I know you won’t leave me on purpose, but—even just remembering it—”

“I’ll never leave you, Chaton.  It’s you and me against the world.”  She kept up her soothing touches, steadfastly ignoring just how nice it felt to her too.  She was here to comfort her partner, not get lost in the scent of his strawberry shampoo and leather suit.

“But what if I can’t save you?”  He finally burst, looking up at her with tearstained eyes.  “I… we don’t always get second chances…”

It wasn’t the first time she’d had that fear—though usually hers was the fear of failing as a whole, of watching Chat disappear forever, of watching Paris crumble around her.

“I know,” she murmured.  She wouldn’t lie and pretend there was nothing to be afraid of.  “But I also know that no matter what we’ve faced, you’ve always been here to save me.  You saved me today.”  

As much as it pained her to admit, his self-sacrificing stunt had allowed her to win.  While she understood his fear, why was it catching up to him now, of all times?  Maybe it was just remembering all the akumas they’d faced, all their close calls…

“Don’t pick Desperada.”

That one… hadn’t been worse than usual, had it?

“We don’t always get second chances…”

“I don’t always save you,” he said.  “I don’t, and—and I can’t tell you, and that’s what hurts more than anything.”  He squeezed his eyes shut before dropping his head back onto her shoulder.

“I don’t understand.  I’m still here.  Safe,” she reassured him while rubbing his back.  “That should be proof enough that you didn’t fail.”

“Only because you don’t remember.”

Didn’t… remember?  Had there been an akuma attack like Oblivio that she had no memory of?  But surely she would’ve remembered casting the Cure at least, and noticed that there was a gap in time that she’d missed…

And she still didn’t understand how any of this could relate to worries about Chat’s civilian identity, unless that had just been a bluff to keep her from asking.  But she doubted that—Chat Noir didn’t lie to her.

“25,913 times…”

She wasn’t supposed to hear that.  She knew that from the way it was mumbled despondently into the crook of her neck.  She knew it from the way his whole body froze at the admission.

She knew it from the way she had that number memorized.  If it had been anything else, any other number, she would’ve thought he was exaggerating, but— 

“It was the 25,913th time.  I don’t know what to do anymore!”

“No,” she gasped.  He was—and he had— “Adrien?”

Slowly, as if every degree he lifted his head caused him pain, he met her eyes.  His lips tried to twitch into a hopeful smile, but they wavered before letting out another sob.  

“I told you I wouldn’t be able to stop.”

“It doesn’t matter,” she said quickly, even though it did matter, because the boy she loved was the other boy she loved, and—now was not the time to be coming out of denial!  “I mean, it does matter, of course I care who you are, but I’m not—we’ll get through it, okay?”

“You’re mad, aren’t you?”  He sniffed.

She squeezed him before he could pull out of her hug—even though he had every right to pull away.  She had been the one to give him the snake miraculous.  

Everything snapped into place.  Why Desperada had freaked him out.  His fear of failing her.  Why he would jump into danger so rashly.  

And she’d thought it was bad to watch Chat sacrifice himself.  He he’d been in love with her all along, and she’d made him watch her vanish 25,913 times.

She’d tried to check on Adrien as Ladybug shortly after the Desperada fight.  She’d known there was a chance that he’d be struggling, he said he’d been in the time loop for months, but every time she tried to visit he was gone or asleep (she knew she should’ve kept his schedule!) and then he’d come to school and he’d seemed fine, but all along…

“Talk to me, Bug, please,” he choked out.

“Sorry!”  She released him from her hug, but only so she could grab his hands instead.

(She was holding Adrien’s hands, the useless part of her brain screamed.)

(She told it to shut up.)

“I’m not mad, I promise.  I’m just so—so stupid,” she finally said, traitorous tears already welling in her own eyes, spilling over, clinging to the edge of her mask.  Blurring her view of the one person who meant more to her than anyone.  “I’m so sorry, chaton— if anyone should be mad it’s you.  I was the one who chose you to use the snake miraculous; I was so selfish—” 

“Ladybug, no.”  He shook his head, blond hair flaring out around his human ears.  “You couldn’t know I was Chat Noir.  I was… I was thrilled that you picked my civilian self.”

“But I shouldn’t have.  I should have used my head instead of my heart.”  She bit her lip.  How could he still look at her with such warmth when he’d been trapped trying to protect her for so long?

“You always use your head.  I’m the one who was stupid enough to keep trying.”

“Because you trusted me—”

“Because I love you.”

Her head snapped up, wet blue eyes locking on shimmering green ones.  Those were the words she’d wanted to hear ever since he’d caught her in the rain two years ago.  She’d never expected to hear them here, now, when she felt she least deserved them.

“You—still?”  Her breath caught.

He chuckled.  “I thought it was obvious, Bugaboo.”

“How do you stand it?”  She blurted.  Wrong time, wrong words, but she couldn’t stop.  “I mean… if you don’t want to talk about it, I get it, I really do, but—how did you watch me… get hit all those times, when you love me, and not—”

She wasn’t going to cry again.  She wasn’t.

“Go crazy?”  He smiled sadly.  “I think it’s too late for that.”

“Adrien…”

“But it means I know how you feel now.  I’m sorry I made you watch me disappear again today.  That wasn’t cool of me.”

“Stop it—stop apologizing, Chat, I mean—you—agh!”  She threw her arms around his neck, and from the brief look of panic on his face, he must have thought she was going to strangle him.  But she just pulled him into another crushing hug.  “You’re so much braver than I am.”

“Pawsitively untrue.”

“True!  I always knew I wouldn’t be able to stand it if I watched you take the hits you do, and I was… and I was… in love with you,” she mumbled.

This time his chuckle was hollow, echoing in the pit of her stomach.

“I guess it’s a good thing you’re not in love with me, then.”

“I am.”

Cold clarity washed over her.  Did—did she really just say that?  No!  She wasn’t supposed to say it like that, when they’d both been crying and…

And it didn’t matter.

Because he was looking at her like she’d just cast the Miracle Cure over his whole world.

“You… you’re…”

“In love with you,” she said, because she could, oh she could and it felt like someone had finally breathed the air back into her lungs.  “I’m in love with you, Chat Noir. Adrien.  Both of you—just you, wow, that’s still going to take some getting used to…”

But it felt right.  ...Maybe just because she was relieved she didn’t have to choose between her all-consuming crush and her partner who she wouldn’t give up for the world.  But still.

“You’re in love with me,” he breathed.  The grin that spread across his face could’ve powered the whole Eiffel Tower—no, all of Paris.  She could still hardly believe he’d grace her with it, after everything that had happened— 

But they were partners.  They were friends.  Even if they weren’t in love—which they were, she thought with a giddy shiver—nothing could tear apart Ladybug and Chat Noir.

To her surprise, his hand detangled from hers to unzip his pocket.  But the even bigger surprise was what he fished out.

“I’m going to have to to thank Marinette again.”  He held up her old beaded bracelet by one end of the red string.  “I think her lucky charm works almost as well as yours.”

A laugh bubbled out of her.  Even when he’d been in love with Ladybug, he’d carried Marinette’s charm with him?  

The urge to yank his bell and kiss him punched her in the gut.  But she had to hold out for at least a little longer—just long enough to blow his mind, she hoped.

“You’re welcome, chaton,” she said with a smirk.  “I’m glad you’re making good use of it.  Seems like you needed it more than I did.”

He blinked, his jaw dropping open.  “Wh—no way, Marinette?”

Her face heated.  She was used to teasing and flirting with Chat, but hearing him say her name while she was suited up—there was something about it that shot lightning from her toes to the tips of her fingers.

“Er—surprise?”

“I love you,” he said before slapping his hands over his mouth.  Which was too bad, because she was really close to just pressing her own mouth over his.  Her lucky charm dangled teasingly between his fingers, probably touching his lips, not fair—

“Yep, you’ve said that.”  She giggled.

“Agh, I know, but—it was you!  Marinette!”

She wasn’t really sure what was playing out in his head right now.  His eyes shifted through so many expressions before settling on one that just about melted her insides.

“I know you said not to apologize—”

“Don’t you dare.”  She jabbed his chest.  “I’m just going to forgive you anyway.”

“Because you love me.”  He grinned dopily, clutching her lucky charm to the spot she’d poked.

“No.”  It was really hard to keep glaring when he just stared at her like she was the only star in the sky.

“Yes.”

“Yes, I love you, no, it’s because you’re my partner and I think we’ve both sacrificed ourselves enough for each other.  We’re both superheroes.  We’re going to have to take hard hits, it’s our job.”  She took a deep breath.  Even though it might hurt even more now… “I trust you, Chat.  You’re not going to jump in front of an akuma unless you really have to, right?”

“Of course.  Right.” He nodded.  “But that wasn’t what I was apologizing for this time.”

“Oh.”  She blinked.  She’d still forgive him anyway, but she had to admit she was curious now.

“I’m sorry I never noticed that the love of my life was in front of me this whole time.”

He twined their fingers, the red string of her charm tangling in between them.

She let out a half-laugh.  That was it?  

“I could apologize for the same thing, you know.”

“Or,” he said with a mischievous smirk pulling at his lips, “we could skip to the part where we kiss and make—mmpf!”

Her mouth was clumsy against his, but she was so high on the exhilaration of kissing him that it didn’t matter.  He followed her lips with equal fervor, no longer shaking, his claws digging wonderfully into the divot just to the side of her spine.

For that moment, they didn’t have to be superheroes.  They didn’t have to think about failing, about consequences—they were just two teenagers, in love, chasing each others breaths on the side of the Eiffel Tower.  

Kissing her partner wouldn’t fix everything. But for now it was a reprieve, and a promise.  

She would always, always be here for her kitty.

[thelozzaview]

Ok time 2 get serious

On my website I am copying and pasting from there to here to tell you what's been happening with me for the few weeks I haven't been active:Sorry it’s been a while since I last posted anything but let’s just say its been quite an ordeal for us Marchbank’s. Some friends and family know about it and the year we have had hasn’t been easy for any of us. I have been effected by it like we all have since anyone that we know that has heard about it. I have a hole in my heart from losing my grandpa a while ago now but still recent and raw for all of us. I have been crying on and off now but since it happened everyday including the lead up to Saturday because it happened on Saturday sometime in January I have been messed up ever since even as messed to go to a psychologist it is helping but I have yet to heal i might have more to struggle with in life that’s coming for me I have my dance work starting up again soon. I might get more effected then by it but also have to keep dancing without having a grandpa to turn to tell him I am still dancing it will be the hardest time but somehow I want to convey the pain and hurt I’m feeling into the work I am working on also someone else wants to work with me and we are building something together something to do with TRUST which I am really looking forward to. I also have had my birthday and now I am 27 years old now and that's another sad moment in time because I didn't get a hug and a present from him and he won't be around to do so in the years to come in life we had to bury his ashes net to his wife my grandma Gwendolyn "Benny" Frearson now they can soar together today another week starts Monday. Today I have done my morning routine that should include a workout which I did at home because let's just say my chocolate/ screaming for any food at all stage of being a girl "oh the joy" housework and hanging out with my family and looking after mum lazing around the house and cooking tuna patties with mum then went home to lash out on food I was screaming for because I hadn't had any food since lunch had a nap then had a lot more food including dinner had Indian didn't really like the chickpeas at all so all i had was chicken and nutrigrain bar watching ANT Farm oh yeah I have a new obsession "new artist" but this one is actress/singer China Anne McClain she has acted in a number of movies Tv Shows:

ANT Farm which I am still re watching,

Descendants: Wicked World

JONAS

Tyler Perry House of Payne,

Sing Your Face Off

Paynes

Veggie tales

K-Love Superstars

Black Lightning which I am currently still re-watchingI have been listening on repeat and watching on repeat every Disney Tv show on Disney + and soundtrack she is featured in. I have been learning and mastering Young Guns for singing lesson including the rap from The Messenger but I'm convinced its Gabriel McClain her brother rapping in the song. Another highlight popped in my mail just now that me and Talitha someone I met while working together in our first Dance Film Workshop we clicked right away and knew that we are the friends that we are now our own family she invited me to a open rehearsal at the beach a while ago Annette came with me and now wanting to work together it's meant to be so I really hope we get it i would be like jumping up and down inside out when we both find out. The time now is 5:39 and just having my dried out grapes for afternoon tea now and when it's 6pm dinner time until 6:50 I'm going to have the rest of my dried out fruit, spinach and an apple not a solid meal but it might knock my weight down let's see mum told me in her serious tone about how worried she is about my weight and how I was at risk of diabetes a long time ago with my hyperthyroid problem and will have to inject myself into oblivion in the present day to manage everything along with the life stresses along with my loss of my grandfather is weighing down on me mentally, emotionally and physically which has my weight gone flying up again I'm not this person. I'm the kind of person who would have a say and say NO and be good like how I used to be fit and vigour and ready for anything not the girl who is down and depressed with the loss of her grandfather I guess I will just have to sit with it until I get there in the end and be that person again and I will forget that girl ever existed throw her to the sharks but for now just enjoying and basking in the limelight of life waiting for a job to come along because Mum and I are applying and finding more work for me to keep me busier in the days of the weeks so my life is more balanced to not rely on people to hangout with me everyday which I am still doing now until then. So I had my dinner apple and microwaved spinach then went to dance Alice picked me up I had fun she then took me home after car partying to Descendants 2 soundtrack CD I got for my birthday came home and drank water until 9:45 now watching ANT Farm thinking of going to bed now thoughI might as well do that now because I am yawning next week I will update next Monday for my readers. Yesterday I had a day to myself i have been through my period so to start off the day was shower, morning workout, grocery shop afternoon sleep to guided nap meditation on Spotify then after singing lesson at mine because Z has lost her voice from pushing too hard at her gig on Tuesday night and has 2 gigs this weekend.

So the next best thing for me to do which was chat to her for like a 2 message chat with her around 5:40pm which was fun watched Maleficent but thought I was watching the second one which I haven't watched in a while since I came back from a holiday with the family which I will do on Thursday night and I had my singing practice and loz parties which are always fun had cheese n mac for dinner dare iced mocha, bread as my ANT Farm viewings and chips/ smoothie for my movie watching snacks which was enjoyable when it was time I went to bed and woke up to Thursday which is today.

started today with shower, smoothie to kickstart my tastebuds and breakfast then by 9am had Zumba which was fun then Annette came to pick me up to have some fun with me which we did we drove home together got changed and caught the bus to Chamberlain coffee shop because I might be working there if i get the job that is mum is finding work for me now I have been home quite a bit we finally got onto Bernie and I am working with her during the month of April which is exciting so need the rest before working long hours plus

Talitha who I met when Bernie and I joined Dance Film Workshop were hoping to work together around that time also and we are working with the idea of Trust and we have some footage to work off together which we are excited to get going so things are turning the right direction for me in that front did some last minute shopping and now home to recover had my afternoon nap that wasn't long at all because mum and I have some errands to do together and an afternoon tea together with Susan who is going back home so mum will find out the details for that until I can re-cooperate until then

So i went to Susan's and had a bit of cake and some water and talk and hangout with Anna and watched the football and mum had to go out tonight so we left at 5pm and now the time is 6:18 just showered washed my hair and everything else what stays in the shower stays in the shower now about to unwind and have a lozza party once again

Gem and I finally agreed on going to Dawesville tomorrow night and coming back on Saturday so I can still have my parties so its a win win situation for both of us were both really looking forward to hanging out with each other again she told me herself my phone is playing with me it keeps turning on and off again and it wont let me go on it in bed like I usually do i know that will keep dad happy because I'm not really supposed to have screen time then

I want to go to Alvin to get it fixed with Phoebe so i can keep using my phone because I don't just use it for entertainment I also need it for its own functions to call my family ever night and morning to help me to start and end day I am charging my phone to hope for it to work again ore night so far not success but I will keep my eye out through the night and morning until i call my parents again but enjoying my Disney + party. I will go to bed soon though

[daesungindistress]

1) Different anon here, but there's also that humiliating punishment he was made to endure by standing outside naked. Don't think that can be explained by cultural differences since his neighbour was shocked and tried to help him. After telling that story at D-na, he kinda laughed it off and said he was drained of energy now and wanted to go home. In BB pre-debut documentary, he told a story of being quite young, complaining about some side dishes and his dad punished him by not allowing him to

eat for 3 days. I’m sorry, but so much of what Daesung has revealed over the years about his upbringing is disturbing and sad. It’s what has made me think that his humility and tendency to be easily scared/startled probably didn’t stem from the best circumstances. Also concerns me that he recently revealed that he thinks he would be a strict father bc of how he was brought up - I hope that doesn’t include the kind of pain and humiliation that was inflicted upon him as a child.

Thanks for writing. I’m just gonna go ahead and put my entire reply under a cut, to save dashes everywhere.

I’m glad you mentioned cultural differences. Because I was talking to another tumblr user some time ago about Daesung’s punishment where he was made to stand outside naked, and as much as it pains me to think about, I just couldn’t bring myself to condemn his father for it and, say, start screaming abuse. I definitely don’t like it and do find it disturbing, but even so, I can’t help wondering… though it seems extreme to me, could this perhaps be a matter of perspective? (Although, yes, his neighbor’s reaction might be a big red flag.)

Asian parents are notoriously strict. For example: one of my good friends is Chinese, born and raised in China until moving to the US at 10 years old, and based on some stories she’s shared with me… sometimes things are just… different over there. Right, China is not Korea, but still. Somehow, about a month ago, while with a group of friends, we all got to talking about our parents’ varying levels of strictness with us growing up. She told us of a time she almost got caught in a lie in high school for a fairly minor thing; said her life “flashed before her eyes,” and went on to explain how that’s not just an expression, that it really, truly felt that way. This was coming from someone not easily rattled.

At the risk of getting long-winded, let me explain that last bit. Back in college (which is where we met and became roommates), while visiting her parents for the weekend, their house was burglarized. She was there alone and the men who broke in tied her up and left her on the bed while they took what they could. She said one of them peeked under her skirt and asked how old she was, but otherwise left her alone (she told them she was… I don’t remember the exact age, but made herself out to be a minor, which she most definitely was not. Smart though). We met up at a pizza joint a few days later so she could tell me about it, and I’ll never forget sitting there across the table from her like, “…WHAT?!” I asked her if she was okay, surprised by her nonchalance over it all, and she just shrugged and said, well, yeah, and as far as I can tell it’s never really bothered her since.

Anyway… this is why that recent comment she made about how she feared her parents in her formative years really surprised me, knowing that she’s not easily shaken, and makes me a bit less inclined to think too hard on Daesung’s accounts of how his own parents chose to “scold” him (using his word). FWIW, my friend and her parents have a good relationship today; she meets them for lunch/dinner from time to time and speaks well of them… although she did say that if she were to live with her parents again she would still have a curfew– at 28 years old!

Look, I don’t like it either, these stories Daesung is sharing with us about how his father disciplined him as a child. I would never condone sending any child outside naked to humiliate them for some wrong committed. In a scenario like that I absolutely would have been the neighbor covering him up and ushering him inside. “Beating” him daily, whatever that means, also sounds bad for sure… though I’d like to know exactly what was meant by that since “beat” may have been the fan’s word for it, not Daesung’s. Semantics are important. (And keep in mind he’s speaking in Japanese, not his mother tongue; it’s possible something was lost in translation: from Korean->Japanese->English.) Lastly, while I understand sending a child to bed without dinner for being a picky eater, withholding meals for 3 days is way overdoing it (thanks for sharing, I hadn’t heard that). God, and to think I just reblogged a post a few days ago about how Daesung is “always looking forward to eating”… The thought of him suffering from hunger, of all things, hits me really hard. :(

Also like you, this is giving me second thoughts about how readily he submits to authority. Being well-mannered and respectful isn’t a bad thing at all, quite the contrary! But it’s terribly sad to think that this might have come about as a result of his father quite literally beating it into him. And how he scares when something comes at him suddenly… I’ve known people (my childhood best friend) who were easily startled seemingly for no particular reason, and I’ve always assumed Daesung’s case was the same, but after hearing these snippets I can’t help wondering. It is disturbing. It is sad.

However… the fact that he’s sharing these things so openly, on stage in front of hundreds (is that right? I don’t know how many are attending these smaller shows) gives me this nagging suspicion that these kinds of punishments might not be all that out of the ordinary where he’s from (coming back around to cultural differences). It’s possible that he’s doing so with the expectation that the fans in the audience, being almost entirely Japanese, are going to nod along with a kind of “been there, done that” mentality.After all, this is Daesung, who prefers to keep his thoughts and worries to himself and goes out of his way to avoid burdening others with his problems. D na Show is supposed to be a fun environment; I struggle to picture him revealing these things if he thought they would shock and appall, or deemed them too serious for such a setting. So for now I’m sort of… reading, frowning, filing it away, and moving on.

That said, I too am just a little concerned about his comments regarding being a “strict” father; it depends on what he means by that. It’s incredibly difficult for me to imagine him doling out such punishments, but if it’s how he was raised and it’s all he knows… maybe it’s not too far-fetched. At the same time, it’s not really any of my business how he chooses to raise his future kids. Anyway, that other tumblr user I talked with about this, she said something that I thought was beautiful and sad and hopeful all at once, and even though I still hesitate to use the term abuse I’d like to repeat her words here: “The abuse doesn’t always repeat itself. Sometimes it just chips away at love and trust.”

I know this has been all over the place so I’m gonna wrap it up, but if there’s one positive thing to come of this, it’s seeing Daesung’s courage and resilience made evident like never before. The fact that he was able to essentially defy his father’s wishes, not just risking his disapproval but actively working against it, now knowing more about how authoritative and intimidating he could be… Becoming a successful idol/singer in spite of doubts (his own, his father’s, and those of everyone else who didn’t think he had what it took)… is, I think, a testament to just how strong a person he really is.

(Editing to add: anyone who grew up in an Asian household, please feel free to write me to help shed some light on whether Daesung’s comments about his upbringing seem culturally “normal” or not. I’d hate to find that I’m being totally ignorant about this.)

[ecotone99]

[RF] Don't want to be Dragged into it

My name is Nathan and I'm just your average run of the mill guy. I consider myself to be a decent guy. I'm actually a male nurse. I got dragged into a court case that I had nothing to do with and it all had to do with a dear friend of mine.

I live in a small town in Nebraska called Rainbow Lake which has a little under 8,000 people. We have a quaint downtown area that tourist visit primarily in the spring and fall. Christmas we have The Rainbow Lake Christmas Homes on the Lake. We also have nice Christmas decorations. Christmas is over with, so I will move on.

When Julia was 14 years old, she came to live in Rainbow Lake due to her parents being killed in a car accident caused by a drunk driver. It was two weeks before school started. The first couple of months she really hated the place. She came from Cocoa Beach Florida where she went to the beach every day. Her boyfriend was a surfer. About a week after she arrived, she received a tweet from him telling her he had found another girlfriend and wished her good luck. She cried on my shoulder for two days. Then she got over him.

I didn't have any friends. Neither did Julia which was surprising as she was and is a very beautiful woman. So we became friends which made our high school years bearable. I lived down the street from her. She lived with her elder Aunt Helen. She was a good person that Julia loved.

Julia went to California and I stayed in Nebraska as I had no desire to live there. I didn't hear from her for a couple of weeks and then I did. I wasn't happy that she was dating other guys but then I was dating someone from town. We agreed to do this as we'd never dated other people. The person that I was dating went into the army and was deployed to Iraq. She was killed about a year later when a fired missile hit the barracks were she was staying.

I remember Julia came home for the funeral as she knew her. We all were classmates. I hugged her.

She told me that she was involved with musician Trent Yardley. This I wasn't happy about as this guy was known to cheat. He had broken up with his partner but I had a feeling it would be short lived which it was. The partner became pregnant and then he dumped Julia. A couple of weeks after the baby was born, Trent started seeing Julia again but this time, it was secret. He didn't want to look bad.

Julia continued hanging around Trent. Unknown to her Trent had another woman on the side as well who had an very angry jealous boyfriend. I remember Julia telling me that she was with Trent with this jealous boyfriend called. Trent answered his cell phone. The guy threatened to harm him.. Julia could hear this guy threatening him. Trent laughed.

In the meantime, Aunt Helen became very ill. I was her nurse during the day and then another person took care of her at night. I finished my shift and drove the two hours to the Omaha Airport to pick up Julia. I had the radio on and heard the terrible news of Trent Yardley being murdered. I was halfway to Omaha.

I knew Julia hadn't heard the news because she looked happy. I didn't know what to do. I decided not to tell her. I kept the radio off. I noticed that someone had been following me shortly after we got outside of Omaha. When I turned off at the exit the person turned. Right before we turned unto Rainbow Lake Drive the car went in the opposite direction. It was about 5:30 pm on a Friday night. Julia wanted to go out for pizza but I talked her into staying home. I also decided to stay over at the house. I went upstairs and noticed that this black car was parked down the street. I didn't want to alarm Julia but I was concerned.

I decided to call my cousin who is a deputy and I told him about this. It was almost like the person in the truck knew that I had called because he got out of there fast. From the house on the 4th floor, I could see the highway. This vehicle go unto I-80 and headed west which was very odd.

Julia turned on the TV and there was the news. I pretended like I didn't know. She started crying and sobbing. She had seen Trent a couple of days earlier. That evening I spent the night in a room next to Julia but she came into my room to coddle with me. Well, we hadn't done that in a very long time. We fell asleep in each other's arms. We were on the 4th Floor of the house where no one could hear us which was a good thing.

I woke up early. The other nurse left and I was on my shift. The TV was on and the jealous boyfriend Brian Miller was arrested. I was shocked when I heard what had happened. Both men liked the same woman and they both decided to do an old fashioned dual. It would end when the first person got hurt except it didn't. They used a sword and got into a sword fight. Trent lost and Brian Miller didn't play fair.

The ex-partner of Brian Miller went into hiding. Aunt Helen got better and Julia decided to stay put as she had three months before she was starting work on a sit-com. I knew that someone was watching Julia. I hadn't been to my house much. I practically lived at the house. I never saw that black truck again but I had a feeling someone was watching.

Dr. Michael Rote was the town doctor. I never cared much for him and Julia never trusted him. He was a very judgmental self-righteous person that none of the younger generation trusted. My mom told me that was gossiping about Julia. Well, this wasn't a surprise. How he knew about her and Trent I don't know as Aunt Helen knew nothing about it. I knew about it of course but said nothing to him or anyone else.

This doctor had told people that I and I will quote this "I wasn't right" because I wanted to be a male nurse. He refused to work with me and made it difficult for me to work. I ended up having to drive 30 miles to Grand Island to work at a hospital. Prior to recently caring for Aunt Helen, most of my clients were in Grand Island.

Aunt Helen didn't like this doctor and basically told him to jump in the lake (well she used more colorful language) when he tried to talk her out of hiring me.

About a month after Julia was in town, she was fired from the sit-com. Why I don't know (probably the influence of Brian Miller). I remember that night very well. I had a bottle of wine and we both drank out it. Then we went to bed.

I noticed a week later that the tabloid papers weren't in the store. When I went to Grand Island, I knew why. The complete medical and social history of Julia was on display. There were pictures of me and her at the prom, pictures of us at High School Graduation. Most of the people in town refused to talk to the press and tried to chase them away. I knew who did this.

It was Dr. Rote who made a issue about Trent Yardley who played in a heavy metal band. According to Julia they were never in Rainbow Lake but a picture of them together in Rainbow Lake was in the magazine. The Dr. had gotten in trouble years ago for altering medical records by altering photos of someone who had died under his care. He was slapped on the wrist. It had to be him. I doubt anyone else in town would have done this.

I hated it when poor Julia had to testify. I could see she was nervous. Then she dropped her purse when walking pass him. She was grilled by both sides and she looked like she was sick. No one believed her until she threw up all over the witness box. Then she passed out which really surprised everyone. Turns out that she's pregnant and of course that came out. There was no doubt who the father was as it wasn't Trent as he'd been dead for several months.

We were the talk of the town for about a week. Not much else going on.

Dr. Rote for some reason didn't like me or my family. He told my parents that I was mentally delayed and that I would never be able to father children. My grandfather died under his care as didn't many others. How he stayed in business and why people went to him is beyond me.

We couldn't prove that the Dr. gave the medical and social information to the tabloids but I know he told someone that he had to pay off as I noticed he worked more hours.

I really as well as Julia felt sorry for Trent's partner who had 4 small children under the age of 10. She had been doing yoga while the two men were dueling. She saw Trent leaving very quickly while doing yoga. An hour later she went into the cottage where Trent had been staying (he had been banished to the cottage for cheating) and found him on the floor deceased. He had told her that they had planned a dual but told her it was a joke. It wasn't a joke. He had lied to her about being with this woman. The partner knew that Trent had seen Julia when they had separated but didn't know that they started back up again several months later.

Julia never told anyone that she heard this phone call. She was never asked. She didn't know about the duel either as she would have tried to talk him out of it like his partner did. The partner failed to pursue him not to duel with Brian Miller and I doubt Julia would have been able to talk him out of it either.

She was happy to come back to Nebraska.

Brian Miller convinced a jury that he and Trent had agreed to a duel without ending in death and Trent's death was an accident. It was no accident. The jury didn't hear about the phone call, not that this would have changed the verdict. He was acquitted of all charges. Basically end of story.

Well, not quite. Julia gave birth seven months later to a baby boy. We got married and had a couple of more kids. Julia retired from modeling and life went on.

submitted by /u/baronesslucy [link] [comments] via Blogger https://ift.tt/37VWOg8

[that-ems-guy]

This is a lot. Read it l, or don't. It's some stuff about me I guess.

So I want to start off by saying my mind just works in such a way where I don’t verbally talk about my problems. It makes me more depressed and just overall makes me feel worse.

This is mostly for me to get all of this out and for my fiancé, I guess? She’s sitting across the room from me. And i know out of everyone I should be able to go to her and talk openly and without fear. We’re so close and I don’t want anyone who is actually reading this to think I can’t do that or I don’t trust her knowing any of this. It’s not that at all, like I said above its me. I’ve always been this way. And I’m sure she already knows most of what’s going on in my head. She’s so smart she reads me like a book sometimes. So most of what is in here I’m sure she already knows.

I’m so lost, we have just moved from Florida to Austin Texas and all of my family is in Florida. I don’t have any friends here, that I don’t really care about. I miss my family so much, I feel like I could cry for days at a time. I need to keep my composure, so I don’t.

We are getting married in august, on my birthday actually. And I couldn’t be more excited about that. It’ll just be a court house wedding. I know she wants to have a real wedding so bad, I know she wants to walk down the isle with me up front waiting for her. I know it would also make her family very happy. But my anxiety and fear is keeping me from that. I feel so selfish because of this. But she says she understands but deep down I know I’m depriving her of a something she has always wanted. This breaks my heart so fucking much.

Right now we are living with her parents and two sisters and brother. All of her family has accepted me for who I am and that makes me happy. But sometimes I feel like a burden to all of them. Especially her sisters. When we moved here in October I was waiting on my emergency medical technician license to be transferred to Texas from Florida, it took around 5 months for that. I was unemployed during all of that time with my fiancé working 3 jobs at one point so we could pay for our car and insurance. She was so stressed, but I was too scared to go look for a job outside of emergency services, which is all I know. (I have never had a job outside of EMS.) During my Unemployment I would do stuff around the house to help out, drive people around if they needed to go to work but didn’t have a car. I felt so lazy and useless. I felt like a bum. It was embarrassing. When her parents got home from work I would often come down from our room and greet them and talk about their days. On the weekends I would walk around the house because I often had nothing to do. Her father is retired military and is very good at reading people. I feel he knows I was depressed because he would see me and immediately ask if I was okay and if I wanted to talk. I would look and smile saying I was just fine, and I really wasn’t. I hated lying to him.

As I stated above I am a EMT and ran EMS in Florida, I have seen things that would make most 20 year olds rethink how they live. I’ve seen too many people die and broke more ribs with CPR than I wish to think about. And I remember their faces I remember their names. I know I did all I could but sometimes I feel i could have done more. I know this is a poisonous mindset but I can’t help it. When I first started EMS it’s silly but I often had dreams about being on a call and coming out on top, being the hero and saving someone. But after all the trauma I have seen my hero dreams have been replaced with re runs of all my worst calls. Each night I can feel the hurt i felt after those calls. But not all was bad. There were those times I did come out on top, and sometimes it shines through all the bad. Like the time I got ROSC (return of spontaneous circulation) that feeling was unlike any other. But it’s hard to hold onto. Now I work in a hospital as a fucking PCT, the pay is okay and the benefits are great. But I’m just a nurses bitch and I hate it. But I know I have better things ahead of me. But I’m constant drawn back to getting on a rig. Even though it caused me so much pain, it did so much for others. And if I can help someone else and make some light on their worst day, that makes it worth the bad days for me.

My addiction days are coming back to haunt me. Not long ago I would abuse perception pain killers and muscle relaxers. Mostly Tylenol 3's and Percocet. My tolerance was so high I would have to take 80mg of Percocet just to feel something. I started abusing pain killers after I got my wisdom teeth taken out and the feeling it gave me was so much better than dealing with life. I would try to justify my addiction to the people that knew saying "it not like I do it all the time, it's just to relax and enjoy myself every once and awhile" when it reality I was high more than sober. (Typical addict right.) I also had a problem with Xanax for awhile. I was prescribed it in very high doses and sold what I didn't abuse or need. My awakening from my Xanax addiction came in 2016 when I was at work on an ambulance just about to go home. I had been withdrawing all night and was having twitches and hot and cold flashes. I was told we were pulling into headquarters and I started to have a grand mal seizure. I was taken to the hospital by my coworkers, met by my boss. Soon after while in the ER my fiancé mother, and father showed up. None of them know fully what I was going through. My doctor tried to admit me and as soon as I got to my room upstairs I signed myself out AMA because i thought all those tests were pointless. I knew I didn't have epilepsy, it was withdraws. Recently I have been craving painkillers so fucking bad. More than ever. But I'm doing my best to keep those demons at bay.

There is so much more I could go on about, maybe tomorrow, maybe not. I tagged you in this Meagan because you should know what goes on in my head, even thought I’m sure you know. I just couldn’t get my mouth to say what my head is thinking. If you read it can we maybe just text about it. I love you. @meeglemore