#And my crippling Celeste addiction

[underwaterspaghetti314]

So I’ve brought up my femboy maid outfit a few times on this blog because none of you people know who I am irl, but the friends who know of it in real life are sworn to secrecy about it. However, one of them is really bad at this. I’m now beginning to accept that him fucking up and accidentally telling them about it is the official signal that they’re now in the close friend group. Whenever he mentions it it’s because he forgot they didn’t already know, and everyone he’s brought it up to are people who I also kind of forget don’t already know about it, so for now it’s cool. And it’s also funny every time it gets brought up because he lets it slip in passing, and then there’s a brief moment of realization where either one of those who don’t know questions it followed by a moment of intense albeit comical “OH NO,” followed by a very humorous explanation. It’s a laugh riot.

Then there’s the other friend. She only let it slip to one person, but I don’t talk to that person enough to know if I trust her on it. So far none of her friends have brought it up to me and neither has she, so she’s probably fine actually and I just panicked at the time but still. Also, one of the earliest conversations I had with her was about how she was icked by seeing her ex wearing “a maid outfit and cat ears” on his instagram. She was one of two people who I said could never under any circumstances know about this dress because of that story, and now she knows full damn well that I, much like that dude, own a maid dress and cat ears and have worn it not once, but TWICE!! ALSO I WASN’T EVEN THERE WHEN SHE FOUND OUT!!! I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT WAS SAID!!! I’m probably concerned over nothing! There seems to be a mutual agreement among those who are friends with her that she’s entirely forgotten by now, and she certainly hasn’t been acting weird to me about it, so that’s nice. She’s actually been acting pretty cool! BUT STILL!! AAAAH!!!

Oh also the two people who found out tonight said I looked good in it after being shown pictures, so that was a huge W for me. I knew I looked good in that dress.

[rubberduckyrye]

... Though, in reference to my last post--being without my PC for so long, and being away from the internet as a whole, I realized that I feel a lot calmer because of it.

And I've been doing a lot of thinking--about my life, and where I want to go from here. I'm turning 30 this year. What do I want to do with my life?

And I don't mean purpose, but just... enjoyment. What do I want to do?

Do I like writing and drawing? I think so. But idr the last time I really drew a picture for myself and myself only, and CTVM was the first time in a long time I wrote something that was, in some part, for myself.

I wonder if my creative burn outs are because I haven't been writing for myself. I haven't been drawing for myself. I've always wanted praise and acknowledgement.

I think there's a lot of pressure that comes along with making something and posting it online. Like, ofc I want people to enjoy what I make. I want people to acknowledge that what I made is quality! That's a normal human instinct.

But I think that sort of took over my life. I'm obsessed over quality and balance and structure and not just, having fun with things.

I think that my need to make things "quality" comes from the fact that I am someone who lives in online spaces. I know I have thousands of eyes on me, and I don't want to disappoint. Yet it's crippled me in a way.

I still want to do commissions here or there. But I think I need to take a step back and figure out how to have fun again. Fun without stress, without fear of being ridiculed by a number of people I could never comprehend.

Like. I went out to get my booster shot today, and like--I was in a huge store that probably couldn't hold more than 500 people at a time comfortably. I wandered around the store in my wheelchair. I actually liked it, too--no pain (except for my weak little arms having to roll myself around), and it was nice to just browse around. I don't remember EVER enjoying the experience of just, walking around in a store. It was really weird for me, but I actually told Celest that I wanted to go out again, especially when I have a new wheelchair cushion that doesn't hurt my ass.

So I think I'm going to limit my time on social media as a whole. I want to spend most of my days creating, not scrolling mindlessly through tumblr or getting sucked into YT shorts for hours. (seriously, why are YT shorts so addicting for me!!!! It's an ADHDer's worst nightmare!) I want to write stories that mean something to me. I want to put my heart and soul into something, completely and utterly. I want to make things not meant for anyone else but myself. If you lot enjoy it? That's nice. But I could stand to be more confident and a bit more "selfish" I think.

I want to stop being "alive" and start really living.

I hope that my thirties are a time of proactive healing. Like, my 20s were the moments of being in a hospital bed. I hope I'm "out of the hospital", so to speak, and I can recover from everything I've been through further.

So... yeah. If I become even more of a cryptid than before, well, that's why.

[celestesnature-blog]

Zone 1A: Addicted & Ashamed

I am not a writer, I suck at writing and have a issue spelling so its kinda hard to get words on paper to make sense to the reader at hand. However, I do have a small education a.k.a. Batch Arts degree with hours toward my masters in fine art... so I guess I can use words like that of a paint bush, use nouns as colors and my experiences for composition. Making it easy for the reader to have a journey into my heart and consciousness as I tell my story. I love storytelling my life experiences and using the visual memories stored on the hard drive of my mind creating a rhythm and organization to the listener to understand visually as well. I am so ADD a lot of the times I go on a rampant road or completely off the original topic as new files are being brought up and recalled that I have forgotten about and the excitement of reliving that in my mind gets me a lil gitty. So warning and cautions if I find a side trail in my mind off the main trailhead as it will most certainly loop back to the main road. I came into the forest service life after a rock bottom of my life. I had become addicted to opioids and having multiple surgeries did not help as well as I was constantly in pain both mentally and physically. The surge and instant euphoria of the drug sent a radiating warmth of clam and ease pulsing thru my brain and body that instantly cured what was ailing me and made me a more perky person. At first I was careful with the drug because I know of its addiction dangers, but slowly it started to take over my body and my mind. I would start experiencing the symptoms of withdrawal and the feeling of legs that wanted to run off my body, restlessness I would not wish upon my worst enemy and willing to try anything to make it stop. Imagine being so sick with the flu, your body not able to stop moving, mind not wanting to move, anger to anything that was not a solution to the problem and doing anything to have that feeling taken away from you. That is only the beginning of the week long process of having a substance so powerful and instant that your body and mind relied on to function taken away at a moments notice. Whenever I do have a craving for its magical properties, which I cant lie I still do, I replay that day at my job in New Orleans and the restless nights, stress, sadness, humiliation and uncertainty as a barrier to confront the darkness wanting to re-visit me. The trauma over the event of overdosing at work and being wheeled out on a stretcher never to return to my office and carrier I had been working my who life to achieve causes a trigger of anxiety and humiliation that revisits. Its a constant war in my mind combating darkness with the progression to being out of the darkness, while in my mind I am still waiting to resurface from this even in my life holding on to as much air as I possibly can because I know I am so close. I still struggle to share this story with those who do not know what happened and who I met on my road named Recovery, I still think that they might judge me and think less or ever scared to be around an ex heroine addict. The stereotyping of a dirty worthless person lying on the street pan handling for money is a persona I give myself and the way others see me. However, one thing I did learn from rehab is that anyone can be an addict, I know no one thought that was what was going on with me being a 31 year old making 75k a year and being pretty much head of the creative an web department at a medical company. Looking happy, clean, well dressed, nice apartment and boyfriend who seemed to love me... you would have never guessed... neither did I, and I needed to be knocked on my ass to reestablish that I am not better than anyone and that I was not above this. Sadly it had to happen the way it did, but luckily I have enough of the real Celeste in my mind to scream for help and commit myself to recovery. Im glad I do not remember telling my parents as I was in such bad withdrawal and fear of being arrested for having a illegal on my desk at work, withdrawal symptoms played me a good card that day as I was so mentally out of it all I can remember is my Mother at my feet and my Fathers hand on my shoulders offering nothing but love and support. I had anxiety like I have never experienced in my life and pain coursing thru my body and crippling depression that not even the strongest support could cure at the time. I was alone lighting my mind on fire with thoughts, worries and concerns about things I could not control or touch at the time because of where I was and the limitations on my contact with the outside world. Toward the end of my 27 day stay I started to become more optimistic and felt like I could take this on. However, when I was discharged from the Friary a depression and physical pain came back like a river dam releasing down a gentle river. I quickly relapsed by the begging of me to my boyfriend at the time. I then moved back into my parents as we went back to New Orleans to grab my personal belongings. After the pills were gone the Celeste inside her was still there and still fighting, mustering enough strength to fight one last time to end her relationship with her supplier and that part of herself. I cried enough tears to fill a brush truck those days… but I somehow made it thru clean and over from opioids strong enough to pick up my life and start anew in a completely different direction. 

[telnaga]

aid for a disabled enby lesbian in need

this is my friend Celeste, or the picrew she was comfy putting in this post. I’m making this on behalf of her, because she needs help, and doesn’t really use social media. but she’s a punk leftist in need. the financial aid she was being given by a friend has just cut off.

I am from near Detroit, MI. My name is Celeste. I'm 21. I go by they/them or she/her pronouns. I'm a vegetarian. I'm an enby punk lesbian who gardens, plays videogames, writes, has aspirations to be a polyglot, listens to too much EDM; alt rock; and post punk music, has an interest in occult stuff, learning bass guitar, reads and watches movies I guess, wants go into computer science, and a myriad of other things.

I am in chronic pain 24/7 in my back and legs that prevents me from being physically active. I haven't been able to get an official diagnosis. I have some kind of mental illness. I have panic attacks when people are rude to me and struggle with porviding customer service. I have diagnosed depression and anxiety. I don't have a degree currently which makes it impossible to get a job in which I don't have to do physical labour or customer service of some kind. I went through 5 jobs in two years because I mentally and physically couldn't handle doing them. I tried to work and it just made things worse. I'd get out of work exhausted my feet numb and in pain. I couldn't fall asleep and had to keep moving them to stop the pain from bothering me too much for a few hours after work. Sometimes I'd work more than part time and my back would get so bad I couldn't bend. I started taking legal drugs and alcohol to try and help the pain but that didn't help much. I currently take weed mostly to help. I tried NSAIDS and they upset my stomach to the point I get crippling nausea and have to lie down.

I have diagnosed sleep apnea which is untreated and I can't currently do anything to help immediately. Weed helps me sleep. I got addicted to caffeine and started abusing it to help combat depression, fatigue, pain, and poor sleep. It just made things worse and upsets my stomach, ruins my mood and causes me to feel mentally overwhelmed and sometimes be on the verge of a panic attack. I don't have a medical marihuana license although I'd like one. I've tried doing physical therapy and it helped a bit but I couldn't afford it. I tried talking to a therapist to get help with mental illness and they refused to help me get diagnosed. I ended up having to quit my last job because I was transitioning, couldn't handle the all the stress and physical pain, and got plantas fasciitis that led to bone spurs and crippling pain in my feet which has improved significantly but the leg and back pain remain.

My grandmother and other relatives have had bone spurs and fibromyalga. I talked to her about it and she said it's likely I have it too although I haven't been able to get diagnosed. I feel tired constantly due to my sleep apnea and I've tried taking melatonin which just makes me have nightmares and feel loopy the nextt day. Weed is the only thing that really helps.

I need dental work done. Mostly cavities although there might be more serious stuff.

Both my parents are poor and we've had to rely on financial aid almost my entire life and it hasn't been enough.

We have a massive hole in our interior ceiling and insulation from water damage, half our power outlets and lights don't work, we only have one shower in a bathroom that gives me anxiety and has made me have panic attacks, we have no hot water, we have no working sinks, we have one toilet that has to be manually flushed, we have parts of our floor that have rotted through, we have a broken ventilation system, I have a mentally unstable family that causes me anxiety and stress, we only have one car that we can't afford to maintain to drive three people to and from work, we have a broken furnace. I have at least $120 + $45 + $50 + $50 + $??? in medical debt It costs me $200+ per month to buy enough weed for my needs. I have to spend $275 every two months on laser but I need full body and that'd be around $500. I need to get GRS and electrolysis to finish off the remaining hair after laser in the future. I don't have money to pay for my own necessities and I can't work.

I won't be in a better situation financially till either my parents get lucky, I can get financial aid to help cover stuff, I get lucky, or I graduate college in fourish years and get a decent job I can do.

please donate to Celeste https://www.paypal.me/anonymous356