#And it’s probably still slightly nuanced cause I highly doubt they realized the red flags of it all and I do think intent wasn’t like Evil | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

littlebirdy0301 · 1 year ago

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Trauma’s weird cause you can go Many Years thinking something was just a bit unfortunate but not out of the ordinary, like any other character-building but not Wrong negative experience. Just to one day think about it a little more critically & go “oh. oh that person did a fucked up thing. that should not have happened to me”

#I spent so long?? Thinking it was this nuanced situation where we both were somewhat at fault #And it’s probably still slightly nuanced cause I highly doubt they realized the red flags of it all and I do think intent wasn’t like Evil #Because I also know that they had some real real serious mental health issues that were largely untreated at the time #But intent doesn’t erase that they made wrong decisions and their behavior was unacceptable and in no world was it okay #I got away before anything bad happened and I did walk away pretty much unscathed #So finally figuring it out has been weird because I didn’t have any horrible long lasting results from the situation-#so it’s just been a weird shock realization #but it I am able to reframe what happened better in my mind with much less confusion now #Before it went from “I am at fault” when it first happened then to “we were both wrong” & then “I’m making a mountain out of a molehill”#With other slight variances in between #But for a while it’s been packed away as “not a big deal. Nothing of much weight”#So sometimes I didn’t *really* know why I’ve held this insistence that it didn’t count as a relationship #And I wouldn’t ever count them when talking about number of partners I’ve had/relationships I’ve been in #And I always count the relationship after that as “my first relationship” instead of that one #So I’ve wondered: if it wasn’t a big deal then why do I delete it from my dating history? Why don’t I count it?#It’s not the seriousness of it or how long it lasted #Because the one after it wasn’t very serious and lasted like a week or 2. But that’s the one I say was my first partner. Not the one before #But. It’s because that one simply shouldn’t have happened. Because I should not have been pursued by them. So they don’t get to count.#A relationship with them could never have been truly consensual because I was young and immature and didn’t know jack about shit #An age gap when you’re 14 just translates to a power imbalance #Even though nothing physically happened to me it was still a situation I never should have been in #I always felt some guilt looking back on it because I was like halfway there- I knew it was wrong that they asked me out at their age #But I felt that my behavior wasn’t right either. That I had shown reciprocated interest which gave them permission to pursue me romanticall #And that they couldn’t have been all that bad because they respected my asexuality and hadn’t shown signs of disrespecting those boundaries #But even without anything physical in the picture it’s still a form of emotional manipulation & lines that shouldn’t have been crossed ther #So now finally seeing it clearly for what it was: any self blame that I once felt is completely gone #I always felt a little weird and confused about it all #And now I know why #tw trauma dumping #trauma vent

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