#And as soon as I saw the flesh dog I was like ohhhh I want one I need a horrible fleshy friend

[lionblaze03-2]

Lickers from resident evil my new beloveds... my flesh puppies

[hohoz]

The ones that suffer the most

I wanted to talk about this for a long time.

I’m a Resident evil addicted, I finished almost every RE game released and I must say that Capcom made some poor choices regarding Jill and Chris, they are EASILY the most mistreated characters in RE Franchise. 

But let’s explain why is that: 

Jill and Chris are survivors, they had to survive in a mansion with a lot of puzzles and zombies, while looking for items that could help them to progress and find a way to reach Brad. 

When they arrive at STARS Office, they are revolted that Umbrella did all that under their noses and innocents were dying because of that and they explained EVERYTHING in a report - but Irons made that go away. 

In the ORIGINAL RE3 we had this special file (Jill’s Diary) 

August 7th Two weeks have passed since that day. My wounds have been healed, but I just can't forget it. For most people, it's history now. But for me, whenever I close my eyes, it all comes back clearly. Zombies eating people's flesh and the screams of my teammates dying. No, the wounds in my heart are not healed yet...

August 13th Chris has been causing a lot of trouble recently. What's with him? He seldom talks to the other police members and is constantly irritated. The other day, he punched Elran of the Boy's Crime department just for accidentally splashing Chris's face with coffee. I immediately stopped Chris, but when he saw me he just gave me a wink and walked away. I wonder what happened to him...

August 15th Midnight. Chris, who has been on a leave of absence for a "vacation," called me so I visited his apartment. As soon as I walked into his room, he showed me a couple of pieces of paper. They were part of a virus research report entitled as simply as "G". Then Chris told me that, "The nightmare still continues." He went on to say that, "It's not over yet." Ever since that day, he has been fighting all by himself without rest, without even telling me.

August 24th Chris left the town today to go to Europe. Barry told me that he would send his family to Canada and then he would follow Chris. I decided to remain in Raccoon City for a while because I know that the research facility in this city will be very important to this entire case. In a month or so, I'll be joining with them somewhere in Europe. That's when my real battle begins...

For some weird reason this file isn’t available in RE3 Remake. 

But ok, here we see that Chris was doing some investigation - in the RE2RMK  you could see this letter that Chris left in a way that normal people wouldn't understand - the only thing that Claire says is that “doesnt look like him” but how normies would understand what Chris is like is he is not well represented in media ??????????????????

And Jill had all the detective work in her wall. 

So far so good - we understand the basics about them - they are Special police force, the elite, they had a traumatic experience and they survived to tell the story. 

Some problems until now:

Jill had a MAJOR personality change in RE3 RMK- I honestly like most of that, she is a badass in the originals and she is a badass in the rmk but I still dislike the fact that she swears all the time (specially because in RE1, RE Rev, RE5 she doesn't do that) 

We can tell a lot about her personality just looking at her room, but I still miss some stuff (I had expectations - so this is not a real problem. but still) like a Vinyl player (since she is probably into classical music), some letters from her father so new players can understand her origin and why is she so good in lockpicking and more about her dog (she had a pic in the original that could’ve been her boyfriend but it was replaced by a dog in RE2 rmk but in RE3 Rmk there in no dog) 

Okay - after you finish the game the only thing we see is this: 

In my opinion this is Chris since he is always associated with Green colors while Jill is associated with blue. 

So my speculation here is that she found him while in the original we had this: 

This is not a major chance but still is important (lore of course - duh) but the problem here is that while Jill is looking for him - Code Veronica is happening. 

So I can only assume two things, they did not show him because they DON’T HAVE A FACE FOR HIM or I am wrong and that is Jill, but if that is Jill so why there is no decent epilogue like the original ? 

Okay, now we are arriving in the real trouble area

I will do RE5 first and the Wii and Rev1 (even tho those two comes first in the lore) 

RESIDENT EVIL 5 

So before the game was release we had some propaganda, including this: 

So have in mind that Jill was dead, I thought that she died and RE5 would explain that shit. 

But in the beginning we see that Chris is looking for her and have in mind that Chris HAD A MAJOR CHANCE IN HIS APPEARANCE, and I’m not talking about his muscles. 

I will not address Chris in CV since he was good in that game but I the team that made CV also made the original, it had CONSISTENCE. 

Here we have Chris, he’s THE classical american soldier protagonist from Hollywood in the 80′s/90′s and he had some omage to TOPGUN

He also shares some traits with his sister

A major trait here is that HE HAS BLUE EYES, typical good looking soldier from US. 

and now let’s have a look at Chris in RE5...

Yeah... I still hate this face even tho I love his Character in this game, this ugly a** monkey looking mf and he had a lot of steroids

So we have some lore to him in RE5, Jill and Chris went to a mansion looking for Spencer (one of the fathers of Umbrella and the one that was behind project Wesker, he wanted to do this Virus so he could live forever, so RE has a good lore, it’s not just about zombies) but when they found him, he was dead and Wesker was by his side, in a fight Jill sacrificed herself to save Chris’s life. 

Chris started doing mission after mission because her body was never found, and he made a name for himself, he became a ‘legend’ inside BSAA and you can see that in the beginning of RE5.

The reason behind the muscles was probably to fight Wesker mano to mano but still is not well made, it really felt weird playing for the first time. 

So now we have a problem here, there is thing that you use in a narrative that is to make someone strong af powerless, and they did that to Jill. (a good example of this is in TWD- Ricky is a fucking legend and Negan made him powerless in the face of a event) 

Jill was used in a Boss fight and that is it... She is not in the game as a character, she is being manipulated and her whole design was changed, she looks like Nina from Tekken. WTF. - BTW, the fact that Wesker had mind control over her created 1000 fics of sex 

 So that is it, my main problem here isnt Jill itself, but it’s the fact that they used her character as a boss even tho she is the heroine, she never appears in RE lore again until some guy inside Capcom said “Well people are asking about Jill so let’s place a file in Rev2 saying that she is in rehab” 

The only time that she appears again is in a 3DS NINTENDO ONLY game, it felt that Capcom simply don’t care about her character. 

By the way Revelations 1 is a great game and was adaptable some years later for PC and consoles

But you think that this is bad, wait until we arrive at RESIDENT EVIL 6 

When I learned that Jill was not in RE6 I was mad... But after I played that game I said “thank you God” that game was bad, transformers kind of bad, it had bad writing, the lore was all over the place and Chris was the one that suffered the most in this game. 

He was responsible for the death of an entire squad, suffered amnesia and people still wanted him in the command 

THEY MADE HIM AN ALCOHOLIC 

The golden boy of BSAA reduced to THIS. 

By the way, the director said that HE WANTED TO KILL CHRIS IN THIS GAME to SUBVERT EXPECTATIONS - so if you liked Piers now that he died only because of that. 

So now let’s analyse what we know: 

The first 2 main characters are not well represented in media until RE6, they don’t know how to re introduce Jill in the games and Chris was reduced to a normal guy at a Russian bar;

But it gets worse... 

Capcom LOVE Leon, we know that. he is always the hero, he is the protagonist in almost every movie and he is always the cool guy so when he get’s a new model, he looks like this:

But When Chris get’s a new face he look like this: 

WHO DAFUQ ARE U, no offense to the model but he has NEGATIVE JAW LINE.

And still he doesn't look like Claire’s brother, there is no blue/green eyes and he looks younger that he was in 6 (and 6 still uses that ugly character model) 

But let’s go in the lore- we HAVE 0 info on Jill in RE6 / RE7 and no sight of her in RE8 

And speaking of which, they tried to make Chris the bad guy in the trailer so when we play we see “Ohhhh he was not the bad guy, that happened and that is why he did that” 

But still... 

If they are going to do that to his character don’t use this character, shit ! Do something with that Wesker’s son that made 0 sense in RE6 but leave Chris out of this - it really feels that they simply don’t know how to treat him right

And you may think that I may be complaining a lot because of his appearance

But this is him in RE8  

(to me this is some random dude from Russia) 

And this is him in RE:Verse (that is going to be release TOGETHER) 

So this tells me that they have 0 clue of how to handle his looks

Jill got RE3Rmk but it felt like a cheap game compared to RE2Rmk where the original RE3 was SO MUCH BETTER

And this is bad because there are so many new fans joining the fandom only to see 2 great characters suffering from poor director’s choices. 

I’m sorry about this rant, if you like Chris face and looks its okay, really, but dont tell me that Chris from 5/6/8 is the same from 1/CV and if you think im wrong about Jill its fine, but she is an amazing character that could have so much more impact in RE universe (I mean, she never even appeared in a RE movie - animations) 

But it’s sad to see so many characters that receive good representation in media and good games/lore while Jill get’s almost none and Chris is handled like random face guy. 

I was going to talk a little bit more about Rev 1 and RE Umbrella Chronicles but there is no need since Im mad right now and it seems that Capcom has 0 interest in making Code Veronica and Umbrella’s fall after that since their fav boy Leon need a rmk in RE4 even tho RE4 is not that old. 

Bonus:

Fun fact: Chris served in the Air force, so yeah, to me even Tom Cruise looks more like Chris than Chris from the games

[burnitdownsasha]

BAD INTETIONS (SHIELD)

Here is the next paaaart. A lot has been going on lately so its been hard to sit down and get this done. I hope you like it <3

warning: adult situations, minor smut (yes it will continue into the next chapter)

Tag-list : @ambrolleignsgirl90 @bethany99stuff-blog @never-sawft-princess @queenofthearchitect @sassyspacedust

pls let me know if I forgot to add you!!

Chapter 3

I sat in the hair and makeup chair filling in my friend on what happened last week when I arrived at the arena. “He said that?” 

Alexa’s mouth open and waiting for my response. I nodded and kept scrolling through the tweet mentions on my phone. “What did you say?” 

“I literally just smiled and laughed. Then I awkwardly walked away from him. I didn't know what to say to that,” I shrugged. Alexa smirked pulling out her phone from her pocket. I eyed her movements, something seemed suspicious. I shook the feeling and looked back to my phone. 

‘@WWERollins: Congrats to @YTN, welcome to the main roster. Jobe well done’

I studied the tweet for what seemed like forever. I could not stop reading it, and I wanted more and more. Why is he trying to get my attention. That’s what he was doing, right? “Why are you blushing?” Alexa asked startling me. “Nothing,” I lied. 

After being done up in the chair I made my way to catering hoping to get something in my stomach a good amount of time before my match. 

Once I got there almost all of the tables had someone sitting at it. I guess everyone was hungry right now. I grabbed a plate of food and looked around to see who I wanted to sit with. My eyes caught a certain short hair blond as she waved me over. “Hey! There you are I’ve been looking all over the place,” she pulled out the seat next to her for me. 

“Here I am in the flesh.” I smiled and stuffed my mouth with rice. We spoke about pretty much everything. How we were and what we've been up to. I had seen Renee much but only when she visited the performance center. “Ladies.”

We both pulled away from our conversation when two more joined us at the table. “Hey babe,” Renee pinching Dean’s cheek. Roman grinning and giving a small wave. “Ambrose. Reigns.” I greeted them. 

Roman sat besides me listening to Dean tell Renee a crazy story that I could not keep up with. He poked my arm looking down at me. “So you and Rollins,” he smirked. I literally only told one person. Freakin Bliss.

“What about us?” I played it cool. If I stayed calm maybe he would brush it off and change the subject. “Getting cozy with each other?” I rolled my eyes and laughed a little. “I don't seem to know what you're talking about big dog.” It was his turn to roll his eyes. “Sure kid,” he smirked. 

I finished up my plate then spent thirty minutes or so walking around backstage to try and get my food to go down before my match. 

I made my way to the gorilla after hearing orders for me to get ready for my match. I would be fighting Sasha Banks tonight. They were pushing our rivalry for the next paper view which would be royal rumble. She was currently the Raw Women’s Champion, so she had something I wanted. I know I can get it. 

My entrance music goes off and I go through the curtain walking down the ramp, my head slightly tilted to the side. I push myself up onto the apron and climb through the ropes. I stood center of the ring before leaning against the ropes near the announce table staring at the stage. 

Soon Sasha’s music is playing and the titantron has her name on it. I stretched out my arms while she came down the ramp doing her thing up to the ring. When she slid in I became more aware of myself. It didn’t take long for the match to start. After throwing punches and locking so many times another song blared through the arena. 

I watched becky lynch walk down the ramp with the red brand title on her shoulder. Stomping her way to the ring. I paid for those couple of seconds of losing focus. Sasha hit me over the back the head with her elbow. My face going face first into the canvas. “Thats gonna be mine,” I heard Sasha yell over the noise. She dragged me up hitting a backstabber, flipping me into the bank statement. 

Pain coursed through my neck all the way down my back. “Tap!” Sasha shouted in my ear. I shouted in pain holding on as long as I could. Becky stood outside of the ring staring at me with a smirk on her face. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and smack the canvas repeatedly until Sasha let go. I held the back of my neck balled up on the ground. I scooted myself to the corner. Watching Becky slide into the ring. Sasha immediately getting in her face. Becky laughed faking turning away then swinging her title straight into Sasha’s head.

The crowd cheered loving this side of her. She walked over to me bending down. “Not in million years kid.”

I grunted in pain watching her walk away.

After walking backstage I made it quick to shower. Changing into my leggings and hoodie feeling extra lazy after tonight. I saw Seth from far and suddenly felt flustered but confident enough to go up and say hi. I walked up behind him while he was talking to Xavier and Kofi. I wrapped my arms around him squeezing all I had. “Woah woah,” Seth chuckled. His hand rested on my arm pulling me to the front of him. “Hi,” I whispered.

“Hey stranger. How’s your back? Sasha almost bent you in half.” He places his palm against me rubbing circles on my back. My cheeks heat up and I almost can't trust my voice to speak. “I'm okay thank you.” 

“Do you have a ride to the next city?” I shake my head cursing at myself forgetting to make carpool plans. “No worries you can ride with me, just let me get changed and we’ll head out,” he winked. I didnt even respond I just watched him walk into the locker room. 

I sat on the ground near the door waiting for him. My back did ache now that I had thought about it. “Ready?” I heard him as soon as the door opened. I got up and pulled my bags with me. “Here I got it.” He slung my bag over his shoulder while pushing his own. “Thank you sir.” 

“Sir huh?” I rolled my eyes playfully. “Don’t get too cocky,” I lightly shoved his arm. 

We made it to the car on the other side of the parking lot. Loading bags into the back. I sat in the passenger seat watching him fix the seat on his side. I smiled at him struggling to adjust it. “Dammit!” I laughed out loud. He smiled at me cracking up in my seat.

Finally he was able to fix it and we were on our way. “You look real pretty when you smile,” he complimented. “You look real pretty when you wrestle,” I looked at him. He brought his hand up to his chest clutching it. “That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said,” he joked pretending to tear up.

I erupted I giggles watching Seth be a dork. I missed this. I missed him. Time had passed but I’m glad we’re back on the same show again.  

“How'd you like your first day, besides the match that is.” I told him it went pretty well. Filling him in on my schedule for the rest of the week. Ours looking similar for most days. “Did you say something to Roman?” I asked looking ahead at the road. 

“About?” He looked between me and the freeway. “I don't know. Us.” He furrowed his eyebrows and then realization hit him. “Ohhhh you mean us.” I nodded playing with my nails. “I told him that I might be feeling something with this really cute girl we used to hang out with in NXT.”

A girl from NXT? I wonder who that could be. He answered my thoughts. “I’m talking about you Y/N,” he chuckled. “Me?” Butterflies moving around in my stomach. His hand moving from the steering wheel to my thigh. “If that’s okay with you,” Seth moved his hand up and down my leg. 

My breathing quickened. “Is it okay baby?” 

I nodded, whimpering when his hand slid up my thigh. I didn’t know what to feel. I mean it felt good and right. It was just all happening so fast. “Seth.” I moaned out his name the higher his fingers climbed. Minutes of teasing came until we reached the hotel. Seth practically jumped out of the car as soon as he parked and grabbed our bags from the back. 

We checked in as fast as someone can. Taking the elevator up to the rooms. “Can I come with you?” I asked him with a small voice. He wrapped his arm around my waist kissing my forehead. The elevator dinged and the doors opened. Down the hallway and into Seth’s room we went. It felt like forever to get here after the moment we had in the car. 

He shut the door slowly. I pulled my hoodie off walking towards him. “We aren’t moving too fast are we? Wouldn't want to scare you away.” I pulled towards his bed. “I think this is a good pace,” I gently pushed him to sit on the bed. Seth pulled me towards him having me straddle him while he sat. I tucked my hand under his chin bringing his lips towards mine.

When our lips touched it felt like nothing ever before. As cliche as it sounds. He kissed me with everything he had. It felt so passionate and loving. Seth slid his hands underneath the back of my shirt. I pushed my tongue past his lips. He unclasped my bra, skimming my back with his fingers. A shiver passing through down my spine.

I pulled back to bring my arms into my shirt to pull the bra straps off to take off my bra. My thin t shirt still on. Seth pulling my hair gently to give him access to my neck. His lips dancing on my skin and occasionally a lick. I moaned with closed eyes. I could feel myself becoming wet with just us fooling around. My hips began to involuntarily rock against his own. Seth hissed when I pressed myself against him. 

He flipped us so now i’m on the bed. He pulls my legs from under me helping me lay down on the mattress. I spread my arms around the bed. Looking straight at him licking my lips. Seth’s eyes darken and he pulls the waistband of my leggings down until the material is leaving my ankles. Now I laid there only in a white shirt and lacy underwear. I swear I didn’t know this would happen. 

to be continued ....

[darklingandy]

Spirits of the Earth and Air

Chapter Twenty-Three: Pistachios

Whole Foods was the most likely place to find herbal stuff in Berk. Standing in the middle of the aisles, Astrid was hyper-aware of the comfortable weight of the hidden weapons she wore under her clothes. They pressed against her skin, familiar. She refused to fear the Fair Folk, no matter what Hiccup said or thought. She wanted to See. So she stalked up and down the aisles hunting for the ingredients she’d seen on that page of the journal.

Hiccup shadowed her. Since he was invisible to everyone else (and wasn’t that just fantastic), she had to pretend she couldn’t see him, but she watched him from the corners of her eyes. He looked thin and shadowed, the bright florescent lighting washing him out, leaving him paler than usual.

He’d had always been nervous and fidgety, but now that he’d told Astrid the truth about his Sight, it was different. Every flinch and twitch had meaning now: he was ignoring something unSeeable.

He’d always been bad at looking people straight on. His eyes slid away, not staring for too long, flickering here and there. Now, every time he did it, she had to stop herself from whipping around to stare, knowing there was something fey there. She wanted to know what he Saw.

I wonder how much longer I’ll even be able to see him, she wondered as she turned a bottle of some spice over in her hands. Already, staying aware of him seemed an effort. If she let her mind wander, his presence faded away from all awareness until she forgot he was there. She didn’t remember him until he spoke. She had to be careful not to start chattering at him in the middle of the grocery store. It was maddening.

“I can’t believe my parents didn’t have celery seed,” she muttered to him out of the corner of her mouth. He shrugged.

His eyes slid sideways. “No. I don’t know. Just put it back.”

What is Jack doing? She wanted to ask but another customer was walking down the other side of the aisle, a middle-aged woman in a cardigan, ambling slowly as she perused the bins of bulk goods with a grocery list in-hand.

Astrid tried to focus on the endless rows of spice bottles with their little green labels. There were too many spices here; why did there have to be such a wide selection? She felt like she was reading the labels over and over again.

“Just stop touching things,” hissed Hiccup. Astrid almost jumped. She glanced at him over her shoulder to see him looking very stressed. He pinched his mouth together and shook his head at her.

Astrid liked this Jack guy already. She smothered a grin and turned to the shelves again. Pumpkin spice…that was a thing they sold?…oregano…celery seed… wait, we need that one!

“Got it,” she whispered, soft enough that the other woman in the aisle wouldn’t hear.

Hiccup heaved a relieved sigh. “Thank god,” he muttered.

Just then, a lever on one of the bulk bins went down — seemingly of its own accord — and organic pistachio nuts spilled everywhere. They piled up on the shelf underneath,then spilled over across the floor with little rat-a-tat-a-tat sounds, bouncing and shooting every which way across the fancy fake-rock texture ceramic tiles. The endless stream of nuts kept coming until the entire contained finally emptied itself out, and one final nut fell out, bounced off the pile, and went skittering away across the floor under the rest of the bins. Everything fell silent.

Astrid stared at the pistachios. The other woman in the aisle stared at them. Astrid looked up. The other woman stared at Astrid.

“‘Sup,” said Astrid. She tossed the woman a peace sign and power-walked away down the aisle, onward to the herbs and supplements section. Behind her, Hiccup was muttering very quickly into thin air. It was hard to tell, but he sounded both annoyed and amused.

“We’ll meet you outside,” he said, louder. He was gone almost before Astrid could nod at him, presumably taking Jack along with him. Astrid heaved a relieved sigh and continued her hunt for eyebright, orris root, and mugwort.

Next on the list was the four leaf clover. Astrid wound up crawling around on the lawn of Tam Lin Park on her hands and knees, peering at every little plant she could find that wasn’t grass. It was hardly more than a cramped patch of grass next to a swingset, a slide, and a couple shabby picnic tables, but it was closest to her house and Berk had nothing better to offer. Her hands and knees grew covered in dirt and green stains. It was growing cold; she was glad she’d brought a sweater, even if it was getting filthy.

Where Hiccup sat, the grass was dry, brittle, and brown. She stared at it. Dead grass circled him; next to him there was a spot covered in glittering white frost. What the hell…was it like that before?

“Are you cold?” she asked him.

He shrugged. He was wearing his own hoodie that he’d taken from his house earlier. “I’m okay.”

On the tiny playground a little ways off, several young mothers sat at a picnic table while their children crawled on the equipment. The mothers kept shooting Astrid weird looks, muttering among themselves. Astrid cast them a glare and turned her back on them.

Hiccup was building up a pile of ripped grass at his elbow. It stained his fingertips green. He glanced at Astrid. “Why are you scowling?”

“There’s too many damn three leaf clovers.” Astrid tossed yet another one away from herself, in the direction of the nosy suburban moms.

“I know,” Hiccup agreed. His eyes flickered across the playground and turned downward.

Astrid felt the skin on her neck prickle and took a breath.

Hiccup focused back on her. “But there’s going to be a four leaf. We’ll find it.”

“Who says? Jack?”

Hiccup snorted.

Astrid grinned at him. …those pistachios nuts… She smothered a laugh. She could imagine how hilarious it must have been for Jack, standing unSeen in the middle of them: the cause of the commotion but undetectable as the source, watching the astounded looks on their faces.

Between the three of them — two that Astrid could see — an aura of excitement permeated the air. She couldn’t help the rising bubbling hope in her chest, even as she picked through bits of plants and dirt. Astrid would get to See, the same way Hiccup could. She couldn’t wait. She wanted to meet Jack in the flesh.

Questions bubbled up inside her, so many questions. “Are all the fey friendly like Jack?”

“No! No. Nooooo.” Hiccup looked horrified at the idea of it.

“Ah.” Astrid frowned. “What are they like then?”

“Uhhhh…” Hiccup considered this, his eyes downcast so that the sunlight glanced over his face without illuminating what he was thinking. “Capricious,” he said at last.

“What was the court like? Did you talk to any of them?”

“Er…Astrid.” Hiccup dropped a handful of grass and wiped bits of leaves off his hands. “Listen. I know you think this is all very exciting, but…they’re dangerous. You can’t trust them. Ow.” He rubbed his arms and glared off into space at Astrid’s left. “Okay, you can’t trust most of them.”

“I think I can handle it.”

“I mean, sure you probably can. You’re Astrid. But…do you remember Heather? Heather Snarkson?”

“What?” Astrid had never heard that name in her life. “No. Who-?”

“She was in our class. She sat next to you in bio. You were friends with her, Astrid.”

“Okay, now you’re just-”

“The fey took her.”

A cloud passed over the sun. A breeze swept through the trees around the park, rustling the branches and sending down a shower of dead leaves.

“A few months ago, and everyone in Berk forgot she even existed or was ever just do that sometimes. They take people.”

“That’s-” Astrid’s mouth was dry; she licked her lips with a nervous tongue. “They can’t just-”

“They do.” Hiccup’s voice went hard. “What do you think happened to my mother?” He looked away from her, down at his hands in his lap, absent-mindedly running his fingers through the lawn again.

Oh my god. Valka was… Astrid swallowed. “But why?”

“For fun. They’re inhuman. Most of them have no concept of morals or empathy.”

They won’t get me though. Astrid’s gaze strayed into the space where she knew Jack was sitting, where the grass was frosty white. “What about your faery? Jack?”

A soft, fond look came into Hiccup’s eyes. “More human than most.”

Does he like…oh my god. Ohhhh my god, he likes the faery. Astrid let this pass without comment since she knew Jack was there, but she made a mental note to absolutely drill Hiccup about it later as soon as she knew they were truly alone. “Uh-huuuuuh,” she said out loud.

“Find any four leaf ones yet?” said Hiccup quickly.

Astrid sighed. “No,” she admitted . “Nothing yet.” A man walking his tiny chihuahua past the park stopped in the middle of the sidewalk to give her a strange look for talking to herself. Astrid stared back at him. “What?” she demanded when he didn’t immediately say anything.

“Don’t you have school?” he asked.

“No.” She glared at him until he tugged on his dog’s leash and scurried away. “And mind your own business!” Annoyed, she ripped up a handful of the lawn without checking it and threw it after him. As the little bits and pieces of vegetation flew threw the air, she spotted a clover in the middle of it. “Ah!” Her shout startled Hiccup. She dove for the clover, grabbed it before it became lost on the ground again, clutching it between her fingers. “Got one! Yes!” Excited, she punched Hiccup’s arm with her free hand.

“Finally.” Hiccup rubbed at his arm, smiling.

When they drove back to her house, they found Jack’s little messenger fey waiting for them on the front porch. Hiccup grabbed Astrid’s arm to stop her before she barreled it over on her way to the door.

It bowed low at their approach and held out its hand. A large speckled mushroom rested on its palm between curled fingers. “Your mushroom, my lord,” it said to Hiccup, peeping up at him.

“Uh.” Hiccup sputtered and turned red.

Jack stepped in front of him. He bowed back to the fey. “He thanks you for your service.” Behind his back, his hand flapped at Hiccup. Hiccup clamped his mouth shut.

The little fey bowed deeply again, almost falling over in its enthusiasm. “I am happy to provide it.” It seemed very pleased with itself as it flew off again and disappeared beyond the gate.

“Why is he calling me that?” Hiccup muttered. He gave Jack a desolate look and motioned for Astrid to unlock the door. Jack handed the mushroom over to Hiccup, who in turn passed it to Astrid. “We have our special mushroom,” he told her.

She raised her eyebrows at it. “Oh, is that what just happened.”

“I told you, there have been, um, rumors.” Jack answered Hiccup’s question. He pursed his lips and looked away. They traipsed after Astrid into the house.

They trailed after Astrid into her house again. She parked them at the kitchen island. “Wait a second.” She disappeared out the back door. A few moments of silence passed.

“Do you think this will work?” Jack whispered.

Hiccup glanced up at him; Jack looked thin and worn down, dark circles under his eyes, hair drooping over his forehead, skin greyish from being exposed to so much human metal. “…yeah,” said Hiccup. “Of course it will work.”

Jack’s mouth twisted and he opened it to say something, but Astrid interrupted him as she barged back in through the door.

“Okay,” she announced. She set down a glass jar half full of greyish water, little bits of leaves swirling around the bottom of it. “Rainwater from the bird bath. I think we have almost everything.” Hands on her hips, she surveyed everything they had collected, laid out across the marble counter top: the celery seed, orris root, eyebright, mugwort, their crumpled four-leaf clover, the mushroom, the rainwater. “We’re just missing the stone thing. I checked google. Did you know that you can order witch stones from people? They say they’re real, but either way it would take almost a week to get one sent here, and I don’t know where in Berk to find one naturally.” As she was talking, she pulled an egg out, cracked it into a cup, and put the innards of it back into the fridge.

“We don’t have enough time for that,” said Jack, blanching. He leaned against the island and scraped a hand through his hair. The unsaid threat loomed over them: Pitch is coming…

“We’ll do it without the stone,” said Hiccup firmly. “It’ll be fine.”

Astrid was rifling through cabinets with a great deal of banging and clanging.

Every glass container that the Hoffersons’ had appeared on the island: mason jars, Pyrex measuring cups, glass bowls. Astrid pulled her hair back and they opened the bottles that they’d gotten from Whole Foods, cracked open the capsules for eyebright and mugwort, carefully sliced off a portion of the mushroom. They poured off the top of the rainwater that was clearest into a Pyrex and boiled in the microwave. Jack watched them with his fingers holding one eye open, slowly coaxing the eye to water.

“I think we’re ready for you,” Hiccup whispered to Jack. Between he and Astrid on the island counter was the Pyrex of potion, a simmering cloudy grey.

Jack caught a couple tears on the tips of his fingers and shook them into it. It hissed a little, remaining the same color. They all stared at it. “What now?” asked Jack. “It’s too early to actually use it.” It was still light outside, late afternoon; the sun was still up.

The distinct sound of tires on the gravel driveway alerted them to an approaching car. “Ah, fuck, someone’s home.” Astrid’s eyes darted around and she shoved the potion into the nearest cupboard. “Go upstairs, we’ll do this later.” She shooed them both toward the stairs as she went to the front door.

Jack and Hiccup fled upstairs. Behind them they heard the door open, then the voice of Astrid’s mother. “Oh, you’re home, sweetie. Did you already do your homework? Here, I brought takeout, I’ll leave you some in the fridge. I can’t stay around, I have to—”

Hiccup shut the room to Astrid’s door with a click and the voice became too muffled to understand anymore.

“Is she gonna leave again?” Jack stood in the middle of the room turning around for a second, restless with impatience, then bounced off the edge of Astrid’s bed and let himself drift to the ceiling.

Hiccup felt restless too; he went to window and stared down at the new car in the driveway. “Sounded like it. Astrid’s parents are never around much. They really just sleep here.”

“That’s why Astrid is so lonely,” said Jack from the ceiling.

Hiccup’s craned his neck to look at him.

Jack seemed to read his expression and shrugged upside down. “I watched her too, sometimes. Mostly because she’s your friend. But I like her too.”

“I know,” said Hiccup. “I just didn’t realize you were so…”

“Perceptive?”

“I guess.” He turned away. They fell silent.

Astrid’s mother came and went, but before they could creep downstairs again, Astrid’s father pulled in. For a little while they could hear him downstairs, every once in awhile saying something to Astrid. The house fell quiet; the shadows grew long against the orange sunset light. As the light was disappearing into blue-grey gloom, footsteps came up the stairs and continued on past them down the hall. A minute later Astrid was cracking open the door.

“Finally,” she said, motioning them out. “Just in time. I thought he was never going to go to sleep, he took forever. Come on.”

They moved with only illumination from the overhead sink light to guide them as they gathered around the kitchen island again. Their faces, swimming in the darkening reflection of the window over the sink, looked ghostly. Hiccup’s freckles stood out stark against his skin.

Jack hovered around Astrid, not seeming to know what to do with himself, until he finally settled down on a stool right across from her, twisting his hands in his hoodie pockets.

Astrid licked her lips and tapped the edge of the Pyrex dish. “Here goes nothing.”

They all held their breath as she dipped one finger into the liquid, wiped it on the edge of her lower eyelids - one eye and then the other. She blinked several times, looked around. Her mouth twisted up into a moue of confusion.

“Maybe…maybe it takes time to work?” Jack’s voice trembled in the air and hung there for several threatening seconds.

“I don’t see anything,” said Astrid. Her voice, too, was tight and nervous.

Hiccup looked between them. Astrid’s eyes were wandering, desperate and seeking, but still going straight through Jack as though her were nothing but ghost. Jack stared back at her with his mouth pressed into a thin line.

There was a sinking, constricting feeling in Hiccup’s chest. “It didn’t work.” His voice sounded defeated. “We didn’t have the witch stone.”

For a moment, no one moved.

Astrid rammed her fist against the marble countertop. “Damn it!” she shouted. Jack and Hiccup both jumped. She swung around and left, punching the door frame on her way out, hard enough to leave small dents in the wood where her knuckles collided. “Ugh!” She stomped upstairs and slammed her bedroom door.

Hiccup didn’t follow her. He knew better. She needed a little time to cool off; then she would rant and rave, talk to him, they’d work something out and both feel better. Right now he felt sick.

He buried his eyes against his palms with a tired sigh.

There was so little time left. It felt like he was always running from it, running out of it, running with an ending snapping at his heels - yet they always seemed to be waiting for things. Now they would have to wait for a witch stone, and start everything over again. There wasn’t enough time. How was he supposed to help Jack like this? Just him? The only one who could See? He tried once and failed. He’d just tried once more and failed. What now? He couldn’t do anything. He was only Hiccup. Only human.

“I’m sorry.” He looked up, but no one answered him. The sun had gone down. It was completely dark now; he was alone in the silent, empty kitchen. When did Jack leave? Hiccup hadn’t even noticed him going. The glowing microwave clock read 8:24; he’d been sitting there for over an hour. Time had slipped away.

I can’t do this…

Moving with slow, tired movements, Hiccup stood up and crept upstairs. When he cracked open the door to Astrid’s room, she was already in bed, either asleep or faking it. He pulled off his shoes, slipped in under the covers next to her, curled up with his forehead resting against her back. Despite his breathing slowing to match hers, deep and even, it takes him a long time to fall asleep. And in the time in between, he stared open-eyed into the darkness, wondering where Jack had gone.

next chapter >>

[not-a-space-alien]

Aziraphale’s Legion, Part 7: The Flesh is Weak

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12

Series masterpost

On AO3

“Lord Aziraphale, Oryss wants to talk to you.”

“Thank you, Botis.”

Aziraphale sighed as he removed himself from his desk, leaving a napping Crowley alone on the couch behind him.  Botis hadn’t specified where Oryss was, but he could guess.

As he passed the hall closet, his ears prickled to sounds coming from inside.  Alarmed, he ripped it open.

A warrior angel stood awkwardly hunched over inside the closet, tangled in garments with a partially undressed demon under him.

“You sure are a grabby group,” said Aziraphale stormily, yanking the demon out and pulling her bra strap back up.  “Aren’t you?  Do I have to be around all the time to ensure you don’t force yourself on my demons?  What did I just finish explaining to you all?  Well, what do you have to say for yourself?”

“You lot are all pair bonding!” said the angel, pushing the coat hangers bumping his head out of the way. “Don’t see why it’s suddenly not allowed when it’s me.  I’m making an effort for her and everything.”

The demon tugged on his sleeve.  “Lord Aziraphale, I initiated this, not him.”

Aziraphale looked from the demon to the angel and back again, turning red.  “Oh.  Ah.  I see.”

The demon slunk back into the closet.  Aziraphale, very red indeed, pushed it shut.  He did his best to forget what he had seen as he came down the stairs.

“Good morning, Master!” said a demon to him when he came into sight.

“I hope you don’t need a jacket,” Aziraphale said, dodging her.

He found Oryss in the kitchen as predicted.  There were sheets and sheets of chocolate chip biscuits covering every flat surface*, and another was emerging from the oven.

*and some curved ones as well.

“Master!” said Oryss, taking her oven mitts off and giving a small bow.  “Thank you for coming down.”

“What’s all this?” said Aziraphale, sampling a biscuit off the nearest tray.

“I decided to bake for everyone,” she said.  She was panting, as though she had been literally running around the kitchenette, and she waved the oven mitts.  “Er, you know, as a treat for everyone.  A gesture of good will.”

“I think it’s marvelous,” said Aziraphale.  “What was it you needed me for?”

“Er….”  She shuffled her feet.  “I wanted to take some up to the angels on the roof….”

“And you were afraid to go up by yourself.”

She nodded. Aziraphale patted her shoulder. “I’ll go with you.  I’m sure they’ll love them.”

He followed behind Oryss on the fire escape as she took a tray up, steadying her with a hand since she couldn’t hold the railing.  She froze when they came out onto the roof and Michael’s eyes fell on her.

“Go ahead,” Aziraphale prodded.

“Er,” she said, stiff as a board.  “Sirs!”

When she still did not continue, Aziraphale sighed and drew her forward by the arm.  “Oryss has brought something for you all.”

She held the tray out. Michael looked at it blearily. Angelo furrowed his brow.  The other angels had blank expressions.

Finally, Victoria let out an exasperated sigh.  She drew forwards, snatched a biscuit off the tray, and ate it with cartoonishly loud sounds of enjoyment.  When still no one else came forwards, she glared at them and gestured angrily for them to come up.

They gathered around Oryss as though she were feeding a great flock of pigeons, and her eyes lit up with happiness as a few of them admitted that they were good and thanked her.  As soon as the tray was empty, she bowed and scuttled away down the fire escape.

“I think they liked them…” she said, sounding unsure but proud.

“I think they did,” said Aziraphale.  “That’s the way to someone’s heart, straight through their stomach.”

They came downstairs to find that the demons had already begun to attack the remaining batches in the kitchen.  And there was one angel among that lot, his hair mussed up and with a scarf from the back of Aziraphale’s closet around his neck, sitting next to a demon covered in hickeys who was scarfing the biscuits down at an alarming rate.  Adam was frantically dragging Dog away from the scene, trying to keep him from eating the bits that hit the floor, admonishing him about how they were poisonous to him.  Dog did not seem to care and looked like he would happily die if it meant he could lick the floor unhindered.

Maltha and Beth were there, too.  Maltha had apparently never eaten a biscuit before, which Beth was attempting to remedy. Poor Maltha, of course, found this very confusing.

“What did you say these were called again?” she said, breaking one apart in her hands.

“Cookies,” said Beth.

The angel with the scarf around his neck broke in, “They’re biscuits.”

Maltha furrowed her brow. “I thought biscuits were the sort of doughy things you ate with breakfast.”

“They are,” said Beth, patting her arm.  “You’ve got it right.”

“You’re thinking of scones,” said the angel.

“Scones?” said Maltha. “I’ve never eaten a scone before, either.”

“You have,” said Beth. “At that café in New York?  They called it a doughnut, though.  I’m not sure why.”

“A biscuit is what you eat with gravy on it,” Maltha elaborated.  “That’s what we had when we were in Kentucky.”

“Gravy?  On a biscuit?” said the angel, wrinkling his nose.

Maltha looked down at the pastry in her hand.  “It sounded more appetizing in America.”

“It’s a cookie,” insisted Beth.

“Cookies are the wafers you have with coffee!” interjected a demon nearby.

“I’m told you,” the angel said stubbornly.  “I’m not stupid.”

“No you’re not,” said the demon sitting on his lap.  “Tell them, babe.”

More and more people in the room got drawn into the argument.  Maltha seemed to lose interest in what the pastries were called halfway through in favor of grabbing handfuls of them while everyone else was distracted.

Aziraphale figured he had better grab one for Crowley now before they were all gone.  But he ended up eating it on the way up, and Crowley never knew there were any biscuits because there were none left by the time he woke up from his nap.

“Aziraphale. Aziraphale.  Aziraphale!”

Aziraphale looked up from the book he had been reading.  He had been trying to read this book for the last four days, and each time he had never gotten further than half a page.  He thought that maybe if he just started ignoring people when they called his name, he could finally make some progress, but he should have guessed it wouldn’t be that easy.

He sighed and put the book down, only to see Beth hovering over his desk, looking frantic.

“What is it, Beth?”

“We…uh…have a situation.”

“What’s happening?”

“Michael.”

That did not actually explain what was happening, but it conveyed the urgency well enough. Aziraphale followed her through the hallway into the flat.  She led him to the loo.  Angelo was defending the door, trying to scare away a few demons that had gathered nearby. It was not working because Angelo was not the least bit scary, but he was making a valiant effort.

“Beth, make them go away,” the small angel whined.  Intense sobbing could be heard coming from the bathroom door behind him, which was cracked open slightly.

“All right, Angelo,” snapped Beth.  “Just relax.” She turned to the demons.  “Could you please give us some privacy for a few minutes?”

The hallway cleared instantly.  Beth elbowed Angelo aside and tapped on the bathroom door.  “Michael?  Aziraphale is here.  Is that okay? Can I open the door?”

“Not him,” Michael sobbed.  “I don’t want him to see.”

“Michael, it’s okay!” Beth said, exasperated.  “You’re making a bigger deal out of this than it really is.”

“I don’t want any of the angels to see this,” he cried.

“Michael, can I open the door?”

“Don’t let Aziraphale see. This is humiliating.  Don’t let him see.”

“Michael, I promise you Aziraphale does not care,” said Beth.  

“What on Earth is happening?” said Aziraphale, bewildered.

“I’m coming in,” said Beth, pushing the door open before Michael could complain further.

When it swung open, Aziraphale saw the archangel standing in the bathtub, leaning against the wall.  The entire front of his trousers was soaked with blood, and he had a saturated rag pressed to his groin.

“Oh no,” said Aziraphale, coming in behind her.  “Where are you hurt?”

“Erm, Aziraphale…” said Beth.

“What happened?” he demanded.

“It’s not…”

When Aziraphale looked down and saw the sanitary pads spilled on the floor, it clicked what was actually happening.  “Oh. Ohhhh…”

“I can’t make it stop,” sobbed Michael.  “I can always make it stop, but now I can’t.  I’m losing control of my corporation.  Please don’t tell my warriors.  Aziraphale, promise you don’t think less of me now.”

“Michael, it’s okay,” said Beth.

“They won’t respect me if they find out I can’t even control my own corporation,” Michael continued, ignoring her. “What kind of warrior bleeds like this?”

Angelo came in and pulled the door shut behind him.  “We got Beth because it seemed like she might know what to do, and Michael refused to let any of his warriors find out what was happening.  They’re still on the roof wondering why he ran off so suddenly.”

“No one ever showed him how to put a tampon in,” said Beth.  “Aziraphale, don’t they tell you these things when they give you human bodies?”

“I…”  Aziraphale had never been in a body that menstruated, so he honestly didn’t know.  When he had gotten his own body, he had mostly been left to his own devices to figure everything out, so he imagined they might not have done much in the way of education for anyone else either.

“Why can’t I make it stop?” sniffled Michael.  “I can always make it stop.  Why can’t I…?”

“Michael,” said Aziraphale, “you’re saying that you usually just use a miracle to stop the bleeding? But for some reason it’s not working now?”

Michael hung his head miserably. “I-it started a few days ago, and I felt worse than normal but I didn’t think much of it and just used a miracle like usual, and then just now it all started coming out at once.”

“Ah…” said Aziraphale awkwardly.  “Okay.”

Two angels and a human woman stood around the bleeding archangel trying to brainstorm how to help him.

“Michael, what do your warriors usually do?” said Aziraphale.  “The ones who have the same anatomy.”

“I don’t think any of them do,” said Michael.

“What? None of them? There are fourteen of them.”

Michael adjusted the rag. “I-I mean, I don’t think any of them menstruate.  When they were incorporated, they made sure to give them ones that didn’t menstruate to avoid this.”

“Erm…” said Aziraphale, “then why did they not do the same for you?”

Michael looked at him bitterly.

“Michael?”

“I wasn’t supposed to have a corporation, okay?” he said hysterically.  “It was a mistake that they gave me one at all.  Something got mixed up, but I just held onto it.  If I tried to exchange it, Gabriel and Camael would have made them just take it away from me and not replace it, and then I wouldn’t be able to come down to Earth at all.”

Angelo glared at Aziraphale, as though angry at him for making Michael reveal that information. “Don’t worry about that, Michael. Let’s just focus on fixing the problem.”

Aziraphale realized exactly how useless he had been compared to Beth until this point and resolved to try and make things better instead of worse.  “All right, don’t worry, Michael, we’ll figure something out.  What do you need?”

Michael sniffled.  “I need to figure out how to get the miracle to work.  It’s not working.”

Aziraphale could not imagine what could cause someone to lose control of their own corporation besides a binding sigil that restricted powers. And he was sure they would have noticed if something like that had happened.

If Michael had never meant to be incorporated, maybe his body simply couldn’t take the strain of holding him?  He had never heard of anything like that before, but Michael’s aura was particularly enormous.  If that were the case, there probably wasn’t anything anyone could do about it.

But it wasn’t like there was any difference between Michael’s body and, say, Maltha’s, who had the same aura strength and presumably had never had a problem like this. At least as far as he could tell. So what else was there?  ...Unless Michael was sick somehow?

“Maybe we can see if Maltha can help?” he suggested.  “She’s a healer.”

Michael drew back, panic flaring.  “You will certainly not tell her about this!”

“And you’re sure none of your warriors can help?” Beth pressed.

“I can’t let any of the angels see this,” Michael wept.  “I have an image to maintain.  They won’t respect me anymore if they see me like this.”

“All right,” said Beth. “Aziraphale, can we get one of your demons to help?”

“I can’t let a demon help me,” Michael exclaimed.

“Michael, you keep insisting you can’t let any of your angels see this.  That means if you want help you have to get it from a demon.”

“Can’t you just help me?”

Beth pulled at her hair. “I can’t do miracles. What exactly is it you want me to help you with?”

Michael pressed the rag to himself, looking red and chastised.

Beth turned around and pulled Aziraphale aside.  “Aziraphale, I, um…  Could we get one of the demons who have the same…type of body as Michael to help us out?  After what happened with Maltha I didn’t want to make any assumptions and er…”

“What happened with Maltha?”

Beth grew red.  “Never mind that, um….  I think…Well, you could ask...Botis?  I mean, it’s hard to tell under the armor…”

“Oh,” said Aziraphale.  “Oh, yes, good thinking.  Ah…All right. I’ll go see if I can find him.”

Aziraphale turned around and walked out of the flat.  He almost smacked into Victoria in the hallway.

“Aziraphale,” said Victoria. “Did you see where Michael went? He and Angelo ran downstairs, and I thought I saw blood.”

“Ah!” said Aziraphale. “Ah, no, everything’s fine. Don’t worry about Michael.”

“Are you sure?”

“Sure, sure,” said Aziraphale, trying to corral her away from the bathroom and out of the flat.  

He brushed past her to try and mount the stairs, but Oryss was coming up them.

“Oryss!” said Aziraphale, changing course.  “Oryss, dear girl, I need to ask you something.”

“What is it, lord?”

Aziraphale put his hands on her shoulders.  “Do you…Well, do you…um…”

She looked at him strangely, waiting for him to stop fumbling.  When he finally succeeded in asking his question, she answered unsurely, “Well, I used to, but I usually turn it off. It’s quite annoying.”

“Perfect! That’s perfect!” said Aziraphale grabbing her arm and dragging her up the stairs. “I need your help with something.”

Victoria was still standing in the junction between the bookshop and the flat, eyeing Aziraphale skeptically as he took Oryss past her.  When Aziraphale passed with no acknowledgement of the warrior, Oryss offered a quiet “excuse me.”

The bathroom door was closed again, Angelo’s voice drifting out from inside with Beth hanging around outside.  Aziraphale came up and pushed Oryss towards Beth.  “All right, Oryss, we need your expertise.”

“My what?”

“Oryss,” said Beth. “Can you help Michael figure out how to stop menstruating?”

“Can I what?” said Oryss, alarmed.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be right here.”

“Please?” said Beth. “I’m really at a loss here.”

Oryss grimaced and allowed Beth to convince her to come into the bathroom.

Aziraphale figured that out of all of them, he probably had the fewest qualifications to help, and so hung around in the back while Beth, Oryss, and Angelo worked together.  He had to stop Victoria from pestering them multiple times, and he eventually took her back up to the roof in the hopes that she’d stay up there and leave them alone.

When he came back down, he saw Michael in the hallway, dressed and cleaned, holding Beth’s hand with his right and Oryss’s with his left.

“Lord,” said Oryss. “May I have permission to go to the store with Beth and Michael?”

“Er, sure,” said Aziraphale. “Whatever you need.”

He watched the two lead Michael, who was much quieter now, out the front of the bookshop.  

When he turned back around, Victoria was staring at him with narrowed eyes.  He returned her gaze unsurely.

“Listen, Aziraphale,” she said sternly.  “I don’t know what’s going on, but I saw you get Michael help from a demon instead of an angel.”

“I…” said Aziraphale, wringing his hands.

“Just listen.  I know you value Earth above Heaven. No, don’t try to deny it, I see you opening your mouth to do it, but it’s just going to be lies. I can accept that.  I can accept that you would rather save the Earth than see it destroyed.  I would be lying if I said I necessarily wanted the Earth to be destroyed myself. But please remember what Michael’s function is.  He is the Sword of Heaven.  That’s what he does. That’s always been his purpose. The war.  That’s who he is.  He needs it. And I could see you trying to convince him the Earth was worth saving to try and put the war off.  Trying the same thing you did to that archdemon.”

“Listen here,” said Aziraphale, indignant.

“No, you listen.  I just wanted to tell you: I won’t let you. Michael doesn’t need you manipulating him for your own agenda.  He has enough to deal with when the other archangels do that.  He doesn’t need one of his only friends trying it, too.”

“The archangels?”

She shook her head. “Never mind them.  Just remember what I said.  I won’t let you hurt him, do you understand?”

“Of course…” said Aziraphale, feeling helpless.

“So you’d do well to simply keep your demons away from him.  Got it?”

“Er…” said Aziraphale. “Well, sometimes it can’t really be helped.”

Victoria gave him a fiery gaze.  He squirmed under it.

“This whole arrangement is unnatural,” she pressed.  “Nothing but trouble will come of it.  I maintain my position that it should be disbanded as soon as possible.”

“What did you say?” said Crowley, padding into the room, sounding angry.

Victoria’s gaze widened on him, as though she hadn’t realized he could be listening.

“What arrangement is unnatural?” he pressed.  “Go on. Say it.”

“You know what I mean, Crowley,” she said.

“Angels and demons together.”

“You know I didn’t mean it like that.”

“You just meant it’s not natural for them to be cooperating instead of fighting.”

Victoria grimaced.

“Victoria, it’s obvious what your feelings have been about this from the very beginning.  You don’t do a good job hiding them.  If you keep doing this, it’s only going to exacerbate the tension between everyone here.  Maybe the world is changing and this is the way it is now.  Why can’t you accept that?”

Victoria did not respond.

“Victoria?”

“It’s not fair,” she burst out.  “You think this is fair?  The war is still going to happen. One way or another, it’s going to happen as long as we’re on different sides.  You seem to be willfully ignoring the ineffable Almighty looming over us to whom we might as well be chess pieces.  It’s going to happen.  This will break down and we’ll be at each other’s throats like we were never under one roof peacefully.  And I’ll have to kill them.  And you all won’t even have the decency to let me hate them to protect myself from that.”

“Victoria…” said Crowley.

Victoria wiped her eye.  “I’m just saying we shouldn’t get too comfortable,” she continued, quieter.  “There is still an order to things, whether we like it or not. It’s not up to us.  We’re still on different sides.”

“Victoria,” said Crowley. “Have you learned nothing?  Has it still not occurred to you?”

“What?”

“We’ve made our own side. Here, in the shop.”

“There is no third side,” Victoria yelled.  “As much as I want to believe that, it’s not going to happen.”

“Vic—”

“No, just stop it, you tempter.”  She was shaking. “I’ve never actually wanted anything before in my life enough to be tempted by it.  Is this what it feels like? Have you finally found something with which to corrupt me, serpent?”

Crowley shrank back.

She steadied herself. “I’m sorry.  This is just…a bit too much for me.  I…Let me know when Michael’s back, okay?”

She removed herself from the room before they could answer.

“Bloody Hell,” said Crowley. “What is happening?”

“I don’t know,” Aziraphale said.  “But I don’t have a good feeling about it.”