#And I'm constantly experiencing this double vision and seeing how much time has passed
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People from my childhood have been dying lately. All of them traumatically.
I can't really... express the unmooring that's come with that. I keep thinking that the framework of my life is being torn down person by person. The people who built my childhood are disappearing into dust, all while the isolation that started with COVID has only gotten deeper. I'm losing the people I had, the framework I had, and it's replaced by what feels like *nothing.*
The worst part is that they... still feel alive? In my memories? I can sit in a room here and now and be present while also seeing them in my memories, and the powerful urge to *warn them* just rocks my ass from nose to toes. I know it's just memory but god dammit they feel alive in there.
#It doesn't help that I've been missing my childhood more and more lately#I just miss... I dunno. The memories in my head of that time feel very secure#And my brain holds them up to now especially when I'm with my family#And I'm constantly experiencing this double vision and seeing how much time has passed#And I'm just. Really scared. Super fucking scared.#It's all so close to being over already it seems.#And I'm not fucking ready for any of it man.#When is the day when I sit on the couch remembering being a kid with my head on mom's chest#Listening to her heartbeat#When's the day I want to reach into that memory and warn her too?
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