#And I think it's fine to hate characters for whatever reason but the constant hatred for only one in a group of jerks is baffling

[spear-carrier-number-three]

the rampant kant hate in this fandom isn't surprising but it is exasperating.

[wonviiii]

Neon Genesis Evangelion Part 2 - Blog #20

Wow, so first of all, I want to say that episode 26 is phenomenally written. I loved every second of that episode and it's mainly what I will be talking about because it’s such good food for thought! On another note, throughout the series, Shinji grapples with societal expectations of masculinity. From early on, Asuka is introduced and heavily contrasts with Shinji. She doesn’t hesitate and instead views piloting an EVA as a means to assert her strength, unlike Shinji, who is always looking for validation. He lacks confidence, apologizes too often, and does not fit the conventional image of a hero.  His momentary attempt to embrace the traditional masculine role that society set up for him by claiming that “fighting is a man’s job” leads to a psychological breakdown when he is trapped not only physically by the angel but also mentally within his mind. He starts hearing a voice, himself, scolding him and degrading him for running away for being afraid of being seen by others, of being hurt. He blames it on his father, yet deep down he is deceiving himself. People can’t pick out enjoyable lies to keep living. In addition, his rescue is secondary to the EVA unit itself, reinforcing how his worth is only tied to his ability to pilot, and even then, he is dispensable. By episode 24, Shinji’s agony and isolation have pretty much reached their peak. Shinji thinks of himself as unlovable; however, here comes Kaworu, a person who is everything Shinji wishes he could be and the only person who ever openly stated that they loved him. So, the death of Kaworu really pushes him over the edge. His self-hatred collapses, shattering him if you will. Especially Kaworu’s statement that “choosing to die is the only choice that no one can take away from you” haunts him because Kaworu, who is not even human, understood him more than anyone else, and yet he died, not Shinji.

Now episode 26 comes along, and it is the most unfiltered culmination of Shinji’s utter despair and almost a scream for help as he struggles with his identity. I love the echoing of words throughout the episode and how Shinji’s different voices are represented by other characters. Much like how he explained that everyone has a different self inside and how this self exists in others. He is scared to disappear, yet he feels as though it would also be fine if he did...because he is unwanted. He is afraid of failing, of being hated, of looking at himself. Yet he screams back, “Everyone is like that!” We’re all like that and that’s why we try to “merge, to make each other whole.” People can’t survive by themselves; they need to be part of a bigger group, but in the end, as individuals, we are utterly alone, which is what leads to constant suffering. Shinji does whatever he’s told, even though he hates it and himself because that’s how life, in turn, changes to be easier. So that he isn’t abandoned, alone. He believes that his only value comes from piloting the EVA because he has nothing else; he believes that everyone hates him because he also hates himself. But they praised him when he was a pilot. Was he happy? The screen flashed an “I’m happy,” and then shortly after an “I’m not happy.” Because the only thing Shinji has is the EVA. Yet, again, he doesn’t care because there’s nothing special about him anyway, as he says. The constant bickering between two drastically different opinions is what makes this episode so well-written, in my opinion. It shows two sides of the same coin. Shinji and all the different perceptions and perspectives of Shinji are combating one another to conclude. He is trying to find a reason, any reason, as to why he should hold on to the string of life, to his last piece of sanity left. And that’s when it happens, the idea that his reality is shaped by perception. There are different possibilities and different versions. My favorite quote is, “ Sunny days are cheerful. Rainy days are depressing. You start to assume that’s the case because others tell you so. But fun things can happen on a rainy day as well.”  Finally, he confidently announces himself for the first time in the whole show. He rejects every rigid expectation and frees himself as the cast congratulates him. He no longer conforms to the mold of masculinity or any other mold of similar gravity, and I think that was the whole point of the show which is so lovely :).

[cosmicjoke]

Geeze, I really hate fandom sometimes.  I just stumbled on to a blog which was laying some serious hate on Levi and his final arc in SnK, going so far as to call him a clown for being unable to kill Zeke until Zeke “let him”, and calling Zeke the hero for saving all of their sorry asses.  I just... can’t stand this kind of stuff.  It’s like these people want to spew their own negative feelings onto everyone else and suck all the joy straight out of any fandom.  Why shit on a character like Levi like that?  I don’t get it.  He’s such an obviously good person.  Whether you think he didn’t always make the right choices or not, it doesn’t matter, because his intent was always in the right place.  He was always trying to do what was best for the most people.  Mocking him for that by calling him a clown honestly upsets me. It’s so unfair, even cruel to say something like that.

You know, I think it’s fine to have sympathy for Zeke.  I do.  But to sympathize with Zeke OVER Levi, to denounce Levi and his treatment of Zeke because Zeke had a shitty childhood, seems so wrongfooted to me.  Zeke’s childhood experiences were shitty, yeah.  But so were Levi’s.  And don’t try and tell me Zeke’s childhood was worse than Levi’s.  He wasn’t alone.  He had Mr. Xaver, who showed him kindness and attention.  Levi had his mother for a time, sure, and then he had Kenny, but both of them left him when he was still extremely young, and he was forced to survive in a world of violence and poverty for probably the next 15 years of his life.  Not to mention having to grow up in a brothel where he had to watch his mother being sold for sex in order for them to survive, and still, they were on the brink of constant starvation.  And yet, Zeke’s experiences turned him cruel and perverse, reveling in the pain and suffering of others, and Levi, in SPITE of his experiences, turned out to be the most compassionate and caring character in all of SnK.  

Zeke had in him an absurd god-complex in which he felt he had the right to decide for everyone else what their lives were worth, and that determination of his was that their lives were worth nothing.  Why?  Because he felt his own life was worth nothing.  Because his felt his own existence to be meaningless, he decided that everyone else’ lives must be meaningless too, and that this enlightened understanding on his part then gave him the right to decide they shouldn’t be born at all.  That it gave him the right to take away their chance at life, regardless of whether those lives might have been good or bad, regardless of whether or not those unborn people might have themselves felt their lives were worth while.  He installed himself as the person who gets to determine the value of those lives, the value in being born, all based on his own experiences in life, as if he was the be all and end all of the human experience and the human condition.  This is the most self-centered, egotistical, self-aggrandizing behavior I can imagine from ANYONE.  I don’t care how shitty your life was.  You don’t get to decide what other people’s lives are worth, you don’t get to decide whether other people’s lives have meaning or not just because you feel like your own is worthless.  You don’t have a right to that kind of power, or control over other people’s lives.  You don’t get to make such an absolute statement about anyone but yourself.  Fuck that.  Fuck Zeke for thinking that.  For deluding himself into thinking he was doing anyone a favor by taking away their chance to live.  

And yet, here’s Levi, who has the exact opposite views, despite having grown up in extreme poverty and desperation and violence.  Levi doesn’t try to control anybody, or tell anybody what they should and shouldn’t do.  He tells everyone they have to decide for themselves, they have to make whatever choice they think is the one they’ll least regret.  He doesn’t try and tell anyone what their lives are worth, or how they should feel about their lives, or try to convince anyone that their lives are worthless because life is hard and painful.  He doesn’t try to tell anyone that their lives are meaningless because they suffer.  He does the exact opposite, trying desperately to lend meaning to the lives of those who have suffered and sacrificed.  He just literally wants to give people a chance to survive and thrive and have a chance at life period.  He wants as many people to live as possible, to experience a life without fear, or the agony of uncertainty.  That’s all Levi wants.  Nothing for himself.  He just wants humanity to go on and to have a better quality of life.

I just... really don’t understand the hatred I see for Levi, particularly in relation to Zeke.  Look at everything that Zeke did to Levi.  Look at everything Zeke took from Levi.  It wasn’t just that he murdered so many of Levi’s friends and fellow soldiers without any apparent remorse, it’s that he mocked Levi over it, acted purposefully glib about what he’d done, patronized and prodded Levi over it, pretending like he didn’t understand Levi’s anger and hatred towards him, essentially sending Levi the message that he didn’t think Levi had any reason or right to be upset over what Zeke had done, sending Levi the message that his pain didn’t matter, or wasn’t important, before forcing Levi into a position where he had to kill 30 of his comrades, causing him untold amounts of trauma and emotional distress.

I’m just so sick of this.  I really am.  It sucks.  Levi doesn’t deserve to be talked about like that.  I don’t understand how people can’t see that.  Why do they have to be so purposefully obtuse?  Is it just to upset other people?  It’s like Levi himself said, when he asked his fallen comrades why they’d fought in the first place, asking if it was to trample the hopes and dreams of everyone else.  And of course he knew no, that wasn’t why.  They fought because they dreamed of a better world.  Even if that dream was naive and unrealistic, they still fought for it.  I just feel like, if you’re hating on Levi, you’ve got some serious issues of your own, feelings of bitterness and anger and negativity.  I think you’re just overwhelmingly cynical.  

[monaownsmyass]

Influence Her

Requested fic by anon. (If you have any fic ideas or requests you'd like me to write, you can leave me an ask!)

Book: Queen B

Pairing: Veronica Lombardi x MC (Bea Hughes)

Genre: Fluff

Rating: PG13, strong words and suggestive lines/scenes

Word Count: 5,125 (V stans feasting with this one)

A/N: MC doesn’t really like Veronica’s social media presence but can real-life Veronica change her mind when they meet? (Alternating POVs) Y’all wanted a Poppy x MC enemies-to-lovers? Nahhh Veronica x MC would’ve been much better imo 😏 I also gave her some personality since PB is shit with character development especially with their side characters. 

Tag list: @ineedskyecrandall @kamilahsayeet2063 @avalawrencefl @lovekamilahsayeed @thequeenkamilahsayeed @heygmicheelle @djtjsmith14 @jjlover01 @soft-for-drake @dopeyouth @alexroyard @satrinadia @toalltheboysididntlove @mypegasifly (lmk if anyone would like to be included or removed in my next fics and if you only want to be tagged for certain pairings.)

Part 2 is here!

I couldn't escape it.

It was all Veronica this! Veronica that! Oh, Veronicats! Oh, @vivilomborghini! And I've had it!

She was everywhere and I couldn't escape it. Obviously, she was all over my socials. On Pictagram, The T, but ever since I joined Belvoire, I couldn't even walk across the damn campus without seeing her.

I heard about Veronica long before I started attending Belvoire and I never liked her even since then. Something about her always rubbed me the wrong way.

When I found out she was also a student here on my first day, I was ready to head out. I did have other offers from different universities but Zoey convinced me that it wasn't gonna be so bad, so I took her word for it and stayed.

It was hard enough trying to avoid her on social media, which, trust me, was a sport all on it's own, but now I had to inevitably see her face every single day. I had no idea why, but I felt like she was wherever I went. At the library, at class, at the courtyard, it didn't matter, she was there.

She was like a constant nightmare haunting me. Okay, maybe a gorgeous, very attractive nightmare, but a nightmare nonetheless.

"I don't get why you hate her so much, babe," Zoey said at she followed my irritated glare aimed at Veronica who was vlogging not too far away. "She's not that bad."

"I don't hate Veronica Lombardi, but she hasn't given me any reason to like her either," I clarified.

"Why not?"

I scoffed. "Just look at her! Look how fake she is. She's basically lying to her fans. Her online personality is so artificially bright and happy it makes me wanna barf."

"Bea, that's basically almost every social media influencer ever."

"Maybe, but there's just something about her that doesn't sit right with me. How did she even get that many followers? I don't get what people see in her. Like sure, she's easy on the eyes and all but there's literally nothing else going for her."

Zoey raised a brow. "I'm surprised you admitted she's attractive.."

"I just don't like her, that doesn't mean I'm blind, Zo. I can appreciate a pretty face even if it annoys the shit out of me."

Zoey let out a laugh and gave me a pat on the cheek before standing up from the picnic table we were sitting at. "I'm sure V would be ecstatic to hear you call her pretty."

The space between my brows creased. "What do you mean?"

"Oh, babe, it's so obvious our favourite social media star has a crush on you."

"What makes you say that?" My nose scrunched up in disgust but something in my stomach stirred.

"You know, the looks, the movements," she replied, waving her hand around. "I'd love to explain more, but I'm gonna be late for class." She gathered her things and started walking away.

"Fine, fine," I sighed.

"And babe?"

"Yeah?"

"Dreamgirl is headed your way."

~*~*~

From the moment my eyes set on Bea Hughes, I knew there was something different about her.

Yes, the way she dressed, her accent, how she stood up to Poppy, it definitely made her stand out in Belvoire but there was just something else about her that caught my attention.

Maybe it was the way she carried herself, or her vibe. Maybe it was just how hot she was, I wasn't sure.

There was just a magnetic pull attracting me to her and I may not have known why, but I was determined to get to know her better.

I remembered the first time I caught sight of her. There was a crowd in the courtyard surrounding her and Poppy. She straight up roasted Poppy with no remorse and when she was done, our eyes locked. I could feel the tension between us. Was it sexual? Was it rivalry? Jealousy? Hatred? Maybe it was in potential alliance.

Whatever it was, I felt a connection.

Her smouldering gaze held onto my curious one and we held eye contact for a good minute before I raised a brow. She suddenly seemed to realise where she was and rolled her eyes, looking away.

I didn't know what that eye roll meant but that wasn't gonna stop me from finding out more about this interesting woman.

While I was vlogging, my eyes drifted to the girl that had me thinking about her ever since she stepped onto campus. She was eyeing me in annoyance. I've had people look at me like that but something behind her glare told me that wasn't all. I saw my chance. I smirked, ended the vlog and started walking up to her.

I didn't know what her problem with me was but I was gonna find out.

She was intriguing. 

And I, Veronica Lombardi, was always up for a challenge.

~*~*~

I whipped my head around to see Veronica headed my way. I didn't like her but the way she strutted towards me made me breathless. The power in her strides almost made me realise why she was as popular as she was. Almost.

Still, I groaned and reached an arm out to Zoey.

"Zo! Don't leave me!"

"Sorry babe," she laughed. "You're on your own. Tell me how it goes, though!"

My arm flopped onto the table and my head followed.

"Hey," I heard a smooth, low voice call out not long after.

I knew who it was from but it still shocked me. It was such a vast difference from the bubbly, higher-pitched tone I had associated with her.

I raised my head to look at her.

"Yes?"

"This seat taken?"

"Does it matter?" I sighed. "Looks like you're gonna sit anyway."

She chuckled and crossed her arms. "That wasn't a yes so I can only assume you want me too."

I was about to deny it but something stopped me. I couldn't get the words out in time and she sat across me.

Well, this would be interesting.

"What do you want, Veronica?"

"No need to be so hostile," she raised her hands up. "I just came by 'cuz I saw you ogling at me."

My jaw dropped. "I was not ogling at you!" I said defensively.

She laughed again at my apprehension. "Sure you weren't."

"I wasn't!"

"Anyway," she said, ignoring my protest. God, she was infuriating. "I thought it was about time we finally meet and get to know each other."

I just looked at her as she stretched a hand out.

"Hi, I'm Veronica Lombardi," she said with a dazzling smile.

I had no intention of shaking her hand but I didn't wanna be mean especially since she was being nice. Also, there was something so compelling about that smile...

I lightly held her hand but the slight contact sent a jolt up my arm.

What was happening?

Brushing it off, I gave it a single shake. "Bea."

"Nice to officially meet you, Bea."

The way she spoke my name was unlike the way others said it. It sounded like a praise on her lips.

"As much as I'd love to hang around and make you fall in love with me," she stated and I was about to say something to contradict it but decided against it. Not like it would've helped. "I gotta go. Perhaps we could continue this conversation later? Elsewhere?"

I glared at her in disbelief. "Are you seriously asking me out on a date right now?"

"Oh, it's a date, huh?" she said playfully.

"What? I- you- NO!" I flustered.

"Alright then, it's a date," she laughed and I could feel myself getting red in the face. Was it from being infuriated or from blushing? I couldn't tell.

"Why would I go out with you?"

"Look, I know you don't like me that much, but why not give me a chance, hm?" The right corner of her lips quirked up ever so slightly as she gave me a lazy grin, so unlike the awfully overexaggerated fake cheery smile I was accustomed to seeing. It was relaxed and laidback and I'd be lying if I said I didn't find it absolutely sexy.

"How do I know it's not just for a vlog or some prank video."

"I swear it's not," she quickly assured. "If you don't believe me, I'll let you keep my phone for the entire time. I promise. I just want to get to know you."

She gazed into my eyes and I could tell she was telling the truth.

"Alright..."

"It that a yes?"

"It's not a yes..." I paused before adding. "But it not a no either."

I saw her eyes light up and I thought it was pretty cute. I mean, it was good to know she wasn't devoid of human emotion.

"I'll tell you what," she said and reached into her bag for a pen and paper and starting writing. "You let me know once you make up your mind."

She slid the paper over to me and on it was her number. She signed off as 'V, xoxo'.

Before standing up, she took my hand that was resting on the table between us in hers and paused for a moment, looking me in the eyes and making sure I wouldn't flinch away.

Once she was certain I wouldn't pull back, she brought my hand up to her lips and placed a gentle kiss on it. The way her soft lips grazed my hand made my heart flutter.

She let it go and walked away, looking over her shoulder to wink at me.

"Until then, beautiful."

I felt my whole face burn as I watched her walk away.

And this time, it was definitely from blushing.

~*~*~

"I'm telling you, Zo! How many times do I have to repeat myself? It's not a date!"

"Didn't you say she said it was a date?"

"Well, technically I made the mistake of assuming it was a date then she got the wrong idea and called it a date."

"So you wanted it to be a date?"

I was ready to pull my hair out in frustration. "No!"

Zoey giggled at me. "You are going though, right?"

"Why should I? I have no reason too."

"The Veronica Lombardi asked you out on a date and you're gonna say no to that?" She looked at me like I was stupid.

"It's not a date!"

"Just go for it. What do you have to lose?"

"My time, patience and sanity."

She glanced at me skeptically. "I don't think you actually believe that. I think you just don't want to admit you wanna spend time with Veronica."

That made me quiet. Was the idea of going out with Veronica actually repulsive or did I just not want to acknowledge it?

"Fine, I'll go for the stupid thing."

Zoey first pumped and cheered. "I can't wait to see you in her next vlog!"

"Oh, she said she wasn't gonna vlog."

She blinked at me. "What?"

"She said she would let me keep her phone for the rest of our time together as proof when I asked her if it she was only asking me out for a video."

"Bea, do you not realise what this means?"

I just looked at Zoey, puzzled.

"Veronica, Queen of Social Media, who vlogs and livestreams everything, said she would give you her phone. That's where all her power is! She's basically giving it up to you! I've heard if anyone so much as touches her phone, there'll be hell to pay."

Involuntarily, I felt myself start to smile. "Really?"

"God, you look like a kid in a candy store. You sooooo like her."

I shoved her and tried but failed miserably to hide my ecstatic expression. "Shut up! I do not!"

Zoey collapsed into a fit of giggles. "Deny it all you want, but you said you'd go out with her and I don't see you texting her yet."

I rolled my eyes at my best friend but moved to grab my phone to shoot Veronica a quick text to tell her my answer was yes.

~*~*~

When I received her confirmation yesterday, I felt the excitement bubbling in me. From the how she was blushing and the way she looked at me when I left, I was almost certain she would agree but getting a straight answer from her was the best news I've had all week.

I looked at the mirror at the outfit I was wearing. Hmm, should I change or would this suffice? No, I didn't want it to just suffice, I wanted it to impress.

I went through my closet, flinging clothes everywhere, trying to find something that would definitely catch her eye when I heard someone shout, "V!!!"

I rolled my eyes as Poppy barged in with Chloe by her side.

"What the hell are you doing and why is your room messier than a pig sty?! You were suppose to meet me an hour ago!"

I simply shrugged at her. "I'm busy."

"Busy with what? Putting on a fashion show for the fly on your wall?! Get ready, we're going out."

"Like I said, Pops," I took a stride in her direction and booped her nose, no doubt making her madder than she already was. "I'm busy."

"With what?" Chloe asked curiously since Poppy looked like she was gonna pop her lid off.

"I have a date with Hughes," I hummed.

"YOU'RE DITCHING ME FOR THAT NEWBIE, FARMSVILLE?!" Poppy screamed angrily.

I ignored Poppy and turned to Chloe. "Help me pick out something?"

"I'd love to!" she squealed which made Poppy stomp her feet in frustration.

"Ugh! Fine! Don't come crawling back to me when your social ranking takes a plunge after being seen with Farmsville!"

"You're delusional, Pops, maybe you should rest," I laughed as she stormed off, leaving Chloe to help me find the perfect outfit.

I couldn't wait to see Bea again.

~*~*~

There was a knock on the front door and Zoey jumped in excitement.

"You're looking forward to it more than I am."

"Can't I just be happy for my best friend-slash-roommate?" She pushes me towards the door. "Now go get your girl!"

"She is not my girl!" But my mind started racing at the possibility.

I shook the thought away and opened the door to be greeted with the sight of Veronica holding a single rose. I hate to admit it, but my breath hitched as I took her in.

My eyes ran up and down her body, soaking in every single feature my eyes landed on. Her sleeveless shirt was loose against her toned body but showed off her biceps nicely compared to her usual long-sleeved sweater.

My gaze landed on her chest and travelled down to her hips which only lead to her long, muscular legs covered by her pants. I forced my eyes back up to her attractive face only to see a stupid cocky smirk playing on her lips.

It was infuriating but fuck, she was hot.

I didn't even notice I was biting my lip until I heard her speak.

"Don't bite too hard, it might start bleeding before I get to kiss you," she said flirtatiously with that calm voice of hers but I could see her own eyes roaming my body.

I rolled my eyes but I wasn't as annoyed as I lead on. "Someone's confident."

"Very," she replied with a full smile this time and held out the rose in her hand. "For you."

"This isn't a date."

"It is!" Zoey called out from behind me.

"Zo!"

"It's true," she laughed. "Have fun on your date! V, you better treat her good!"

"The best," Veronica laughed with Zoey. "Don't worry!" She turned her attention back to me. "So, are you gonna accept my rose?"

The way she phrased it and said it made me melt. How could I say no?

Sighing in defeat, I took it from her and tucked it into my purse, the flower sticking out, on display for the world to know and strangely, I didn't mind.

We made our way away from the dorm and across the courtyard to her car. I saw people looking and whispering, wondering what the hell the newbie was doing with Belvoire's social media queen, the third ranked in The T.

I snickered and felt a little smug. It was great knowing someone with so much power was by my side. I felt kinda protected and safe 'cuz I knew no one would dare toss any snide remarks my way when I was with her.

I also thought it was really sweet that she didn't care that she was being seen with me. Not like I think anyone would dare say anything about her but I was still touched.

She opened the passenger side door for me and I raised her a brow at her. "I can open my own door, you know," I teased.

"O.M.G., I totally didn't know that," she replied sarcastically in a deadpan tone. "Lemme just do something nice for you."

"I guess I wouldn't mind being treated like a princess for the day," I muttered jokingly.

"Darling, I'll treat you like a queen," she replied coolly and suddenly, my whole body was on fire.

That immediately shut me up which made her chuckle.

We got into her car and she began driving. After a while, I spoke up.

"Where are we going?"

"You're warming up to me, huh?" She glance at me from the corner of her eyes and gave me another exasperating smirk.

"What?"

"You're starting a conversation with me. You like me now, don't you?" She reached out to poke me in the arm and I swatted her hand away even though I was trying my hardest to stifle a smile that was threatening to spread across my lips.

"God, you're annoying."

"Hey, I'm just stating facts."

Eventually, we pulled up to a small quaint café that didn't look like what I thought Veronica's speed was at all.

She opened the door for me again and this time, I didn't bother with a witty remark since I knew she would turn it on me anyway.

As we walked in, she greeted the barista behind the counter as if they've known each other for some time and it occurred to me then that I was getting to see the real Veronica. The thought that she actually was willing to share this private part of her life with me made me soft.

After ordering, she guided me to a table and pulled out a chair for me, motioning for me to sit. I looked around to take in the surrounding. There was barely anyone else in the café, only two other customers who were in their own worlds, reading. The place was small and cozy and... quiet. It wasn't like the high-energy, over-the-top, loud parties and events setting I was used to seeing her in. It was much more peaceful. Even the contemporary R&B and soul music they were playing that Veronica was humming to was much different than the pop songs she played in her vlogs that I've seen.

"Is this your little hideout?"

She offered me a small grin before staring at a picture on the wall. "Somewhat. No one expects to find me here so it's where I come if I just want some time to myself. No Poppy, no Belvoire, none of the Veronicats, just me." She leaned forward as her enrapturing eyes landed on mine and the sheer intensity of her gaze sucked all the air out of my lungs. "And now you."

I looked away, not being able to hold eye contact anymore and all of a sudden feeling very overwhelmed.

"It doesn't seem like you. I mean, I knew your online personality wasn't all real but this is..."

"Different?" she gave me a rueful smile. "I'm not my brand, Bea."

"Who are you, then?"

Her sad smile quickly changed into a simper. "That's why we're here, aren't we?"

"Fair enough." I leaned back in my chair. "Why don't you show your followers the real you? I'm sure they'll appreciate it." 'I do,' I thought subconsciously.

She let out a humourless laugh. "It's not that easy. Changing my entire image is already a hassle, but then I'd have to deal with that rumours and the haters and all that bullshit which is annoying. Then, I have to worry about my followers who'll either bash me or get bashed for still supporting me," she sighed, looking more tired than I've ever seen her. "It's just a lot."

Before I could reply, she pulled out her phone and slid it over to me across the table. "Like I promised, I'll let you keep it."

"V," I started and realised I called her by her nickname for the first time. I knew she noticed it to when I saw her brows lift up slightly. "You really don't have to."

She shook her head. "No, no, I want to. I want you to know I'm serious about this. I want you to know I'm being honest. Also, it's relaxing to know I don't have to worry about my online appearance since it's with you," she joked.

"Aren't you scared I'll log into your accounts? Maybe try and steal you phone?"

She looked at me with an amused smile. "I'm right here, I can see whatever you're doing. And what, you gonna run off with my phone in an unfamiliar area when I have a car?"

"Maybe I'll steal your car too."

She let out a full laugh that made my heart flip.

Woah?

"Darling, you can try," she spoke and leaned in closer, almost whispering the next part with a mischievous glint in her eyes. "But I think we both know who'll end up on top."

I caught the undertone in her statement and I felt my cheeks getting hot.

"You'd be surprised," I returned her energy and I saw her pupils dilate, the tension between us palpable.

We were interrupted by the barista from earlier. They served us our drinks and left, making me clear my throat and trying to shake out the image of Veronica and I in a.... compromising position.

I looked at her phone that was still in front of me and hesitantly slipped it into my purse.

"I have a question," I said.

"Mm?"

"Aren't you tired of pretending? To your followers?"

She crossed her arms on the table and my eyes immediately drifted down to see her arms flex as she did but I forced them back up to her face. 'Not the time!' I scolded myself in my head.

Her tiny grin told me she noticed. Damn, nothing slipped past this woman.

However, she looked over it and answered me. "It wasn't always pretend. That person was actually me once. That's what happens when you grow up in the public eye, I guess." She propped her chin on her hand. "I started doing all of this when I was young and it was only for fun. A kid just being a kid, you know? But then my content blew up and as I grew older, it was only natural for me to change, to discover who I really was. But the thing with people online is that they don't get that. They think we're a fraud or we went off the rails if we suddenly change things up."

I looked her in the eyes as she told me more about it.

"And before I knew it, I had an image to uphold. A brand to stick to. I was no longer that bubbly, excited kid from a decade ago but my audience didn't know that. I don't feel like I'm fake 'cuz that was who I am. But not anymore. And it might be tiring but it's worth it. I may be playing a character online but if that person inspires young girls and boys and is their role model, how could I take that away from them?"

Listening to her speak made me regret every awful thing I've said about her. A wave of sadness washed over me and as much as I wished I could reassure her and tell her it's not true, that everyone would support her, I knew that wasn't reality. 

So instead, I said, "Would you ever show who you really are?"

Her perfectly threaded brows creased as she pondered over my question. "Not anytime soon. But if it gets too much, maybe then I'll consider doing it. But until then," she looked down and then back up at me with an honest smile. "I'm happy just sharing the actual me with the people in my real life."

~*~*~

Opening up to Bea was the easiest thing in the world. Those warm eyes, that curios look, the way she hung onto every word I said, giving me her full attention, it was inevitable that I would spill my heart out to her.

And it looked like I had the same effect on her.

She told me more about her life back in the Midwest, her family, her thoughts, dreams and so much more that I didn't expect to get out of her on our first 'date'.

As she spoke, I studied her face and mannerisms, wanting to know every single detail about her. Her expressive eyebrows, her stunning eyes, her smooth skin and soft lips. The way she pronounced certain words and how her accent got stronger when she was angry or talking something she was passionate about. The way she would roll her eyes but her cheeks reddened when I teased her or said something flirty. How her nose scrunched when she giggled, the way her eyes crinkled when she smiled.

Fuck, that smile. I'd do anything she told me to if she smiled at me like that.

"Hey, I know I said I wouldn't use my phone today," I began and I saw her give me a worried look. I quickly continued so she didn't get the wrong idea. "But I really want to take a picture with you. Is that okay? I won't post it, I just wanna keep it."

I saw her disappointed look instantly turn to relief then shyness.

"You wanna take a photo with me?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "You look really pretty and I just want something to remember you by."

I wasn't sure if she would agree but then she reached into her purse and handed me my phone. Grinning broadly, I moved beside her and lifted my phone up.

"Is this okay?" I asked, moving an arm around her waist carefully, making sure she wasn't uncomfortable.

She simply nodded and when my hand touched her, I felt her shiver which only made made me smile wider.

The cups and plates piled on our table, customers walked in and out, the sky darkened, a hundred songs were played and the second hand on the wall clock travelled the same path thousands of times as we continued talking and yet, our conversation never died.

I had never connected with someone so fast and it surprised me just how easy it was for us to just talk.

It was getting pretty late and we decided it was time to leave. Before standing up, I jokingly asked, "Anything else before we leave?"

To my surprise, she replied, "Just one."

"Yeah?"

She smiled. "You're alright, Lombardi."

~*~*~

When we made it back to campus, V walked me back to my dorm. When I said she didn't have to, she still insisted which was really sweet of her.

"Plus I get to spend more time with you," she said teasingly while lightly bumping shoulders as we walked side-by-side and I felt myself smile.

We stopped outside my dorm room and admittedly, I had no idea how I was gonna say goodbye to her.

"Here we are," she announced.

"Yup."

She took a step towards me cautiously as if I would move back. I didn't.

I stared at her as my stomach filled with butterflies. Everything about her was painfully gorgeous and it made my heart ache. I knew she was attractive but now that I got to know her, to actually see her, it made it hard to believe she was a real person.

She was perfect.

One hand on my hip, she leaned forward and bent down, face inching closer to mine. I closed my eyes, here nearness making me light-headed and the smell of her perfume fogged my thoughts. My heart was hammering in my chest.

I expected her lips to meet mine. Instead, I felt it on my cheek but my skin still tingled from where her lips touched.

"Good night, beautiful," she whispered with a small smile and a longing look in her hazel eyes. "Hopefully you don't glare at me the next time you see me."

She stepped back but I instinctively reached out to hold onto her wrist, preventing her from moving any further. I shook my head. "No."

"No?" she looked at me, confused and I could sense the hurt in her voice.

"No," I repeated. "No, that's not enough."

I pulled her into me and crashed our lips together. The moment our lips touched, I swear I saw stars. She pushed me back until I was pressed up against the door with her body. She trailed a hand down my thigh and hiked my leg up to her hip, making me groan.

I sent a mental apology to Zoey if she was in and heard all this.

"God, I don't know what you hold over me," I muttered between kisses. "Yesterday I didn't like you and now you have me against my dorm door, making out with me."

She pulled back, breathing heavy and gave me one of those sexy, relaxed smile. "Well, I am an influencer."

Veronica grabbed onto my other leg and lifted me up. Arms wrapped around her neck and legs locked tight around her waist, she kissed me again.

"Ohh! V!"

I moaned as she bit my bottom lip. My whole body was burning with heat and everywhere she touched ignited me further. One hand moved to grip the side of my neck while the other rested on my ass.

"Are you in love with me yet?" She said into the kiss and pulled away again, looking at me proudly with a genuine smile on her face.

"Shut up," I grinned and tugged her head back so our lips could meet again. This time, in a slow, sweet kiss.

And you know what?

Veronica Lombardi wasn't so bad after all.

(More fics!)

[destiny-smasher]

“But I can't walk on the path of the right, because I'm wrong.”

So, The Last of Us Part 2 is out. It’s about 25 hours long. I’ve played it. I loved it, but it’s got its flaws. I think the hype buildup was overblown, and I think the zealous hate from the leaks was also overblown. This is a beautifully produced game that is trying to do much more than the typical AAA game tries to do, and in so trying, it’s messier, muddier, and more complicated than its predecessor. I love it for that, despite my issues with how the game ultimately resolves things.

I think Naughty Dog was either intentionally misleading audiences (which, given the marketing, is possible) or perhaps Neil himself has a different concept of the game he directed than what was actually delivered. Despite how it was advertised, The Last of Us Part 2 is not inherently about ‘hate’ or ‘revenge.’ It’s not just a revenge story.

It's a story about empathy, about how human beings and their interactions have layers, and how we are better when we extend blind empathy to others instead of blind hatred. I gotta talk about this. SPOILERS FOR THE ENTIRE GAME to follow.

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Seriously, final warning for SPOILERS.

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This game is simply too big, too complex, and has too much going on for me to write a single piece going over everything there is to talk about, but there are some things I need to say that inherently rely on discussing the entire game in a spoiler-filled way.

Let’s start with the most noticeable thing that has hit me over this game’s reception: people like Joel way more than I would’ve expected. SO much of this game’s negative reception seems to be over Joel’s character and the circumstances around his death. I was not at all surprised that he died - I was a bit surprised at when and how he died, in the moment, but even by the end of the next scene, it had washed over me how much sense it made. He died in the same way everyone else dies in this series. He had it coming in the same way anyone else in this world has it coming. He was never a hero. If you truly look at Joel as a ‘hero’ figure but don’t extend that same logic to Ellie and Abby, you do not make sense to me.

I’ve seen a LOT of hate getting thrown at Abby, and frankly, I do not understand it, and if you hate her but do NOT hate Joel or Ellie similarly, then I inherently don’t respect your opinion? You’re being blatantly biased and unreasonable in exactly the way this game is arguing you should not be. Straight up. Get your transphobic jokes the fuck outta here. Get your homophobic takes on Ellie and Dina the fuck outta here. Get your xenophobic complaints about the MUCH more diverse cast of characters in this sequel the fuck outta here. The ONE case where I could see a reasonable thing to be conflicted about is Lev’s character, because they are a transgender kid who gets deadnamed by some NPCs. As a transgender person, I personally found this to just...make sense and feel organic to the world, and none of the actual characters in the narrative with names or roles in the story ever deadname Lev. Lev is fucking precious and I love him, and I think his inclusion adds inherently more to this game than otherwise, despite the understandable conflict some might feel about his backstory. To ME, the fact that all of what Lev goes through and how Yara and Abby do what they can to look for him, that says to me, “protect trans rights” and I am glad it is there. Trans people have to deal with that shit sometimes, I think it’s fine having it be PART of a wider narrative. It doesn’t define Lev’s story, it doesn’t dictate the plot of the game, it’s a spark that sets some events off and I think that adds more than it could potentially take away, as does the overall representation in the game.

Getting back to this element of bias, though, I get that you “went on a journey” with Joel and Ellie in the first game. I get that. But you spend about as much time with Abby in this game as you did with Joel in the first game. And I see a lot of people are SOMEHOW totally fine and chill and cool with Joel going on a murder rampage in the first game, specifically killing at least one man who was specifically trying to save humanity - they cite that Joel is a morally gray person who has done bad things and is trying to become a better person. Sure, cool, OK. And Ellie, sure, ya’ll will think her going on a bloodthristy revenge quest is cool, fine, A-OK, because Joel was murdered. But somehow they are physically incapable of extending that same empathy to Abby, even after the game bends OVER BACKWARD in every reasonable way it could. Why is this? One person tweeted at me the simplistic, reductive idea, 

“ I know the sensible thing that naughty dog was aiming at was that we'd feel sorry for abby and eventually grow to like her, but for me I just don't. I loved Joel and I love Ellie. They didn't kill anyone who I loved as a character. Abby did. “

At least they’re being honest with themselves in that they literally missed the entire point of the game. You having personal bias you cannot remove yourself from does not make for “A DEEPLY FLAWED STORY” or whatever the fuck people have been tossing around.

I personally don’t buy any of that bullshit until we get into the final hours of the game during the epilogue, but we’ll get to that.

Everything in the first 20-ish hours of this game felt organic and believable and completely in line with the first game to me, and the fact that ALL OF IT happens as a direct after-effect of Joel’s selfish act at the end of the first game really contextualizes how/why it was called ‘Part 2.’ So honestly, all of this nonsense about this sequel being ‘badly written’ is just...bonkers. I will agree it’s not some master class in writing - neither was the original game. But both games are very similar in writing style, tone, and the world presented is consistent, while character motivations are realistically complicated. Naughty Dog has never been great at plot, but the real quality of their work comes through in how much effort they go to in order to present realistic feeling worlds and characters, and from the environments to the actors to the extra animations on top, I think the details and the context they create are where they shine.

To better understand where I am coming from with this game, let me lay this on you.

During the scene in that basement, when Abby shot Joel in the leg, and Ellie shows up...I realized what was about to happen. Ironically, it was exactly what I had originally predicted was the thing going on WAY back when the game’s reveal trailer was dropped -- that Joel was dead, and was motivating Ellie’s revenge quest. If you’ve read what I have written of Arcadian Rhythms, you will have some idea of my feelings on Joel and Ellie’s relationship -- in short, I think it is complicated, and just as damaging as it is good. That’s real life. That’s how reality is for many relationships, especially ones between parents and their kids, especially in my experience. When I realized Joel was about to be murdered, my feelings and thoughts were not jumping to ‘oh fuck what an asshole I wanna kill these people’ or ‘oh no not Joel’ but rather, my immediate gut thoughts were ‘yupppp Joel kinda deserves this, he literally did this to who knows how many other people, but why are THESE people, specifically, out to get him?’ 

When Ellie later cites to Dina that there’s ‘no point’ in speculating as to why these people murdered Joel, because it could be for one of many possible reasons, I found that to be interesting -- Ellie herself acknowledging that Joel had fucked over many other people, while still pursuing revenge herself.

I do think the theme of ‘the cycle of violence’ is very core to this game and arguably is its strongest central theme, specifically because violence in wholly integrated into its gameplay. But narratively and structurally, empathy is, I would argue, even more paramount. This game spends about 12 hours of its runtime (so about half of the entire game) actively trying to encourage you to understand, relate with, and empathize with Abby. The developers COULD have had you swapping back and forth between both characters, which might have resulted in better pacing, but I think it would’v taken away from what they were going for. It’s that long, slow burn that makes Abby’s side of the story work, in much the same way the long, slow burn of the first game does what it does, and the way the long, slow burn of Ellie’s revenge quest helps us see just how far gone she is.

But “arghh I hated Ellie she kept making bad decisions that made no sense” some of you say, “they did her DIRTY” some of you say.

No.

Joel did her dirty.

The Fireflies did her dirty.

And it’s this exact concept -- that our actions and choices have consequences and ripple outward beyond what we can initially imagine - that is at the heart of why I think I love this game so much. Most video games depict a pool of water that is either a constant whirlpool, a raging clash of waves, or stone dropped in the middle and the ripples spreading out. The Last of Us Part 2 is more like a series of ripples all happening simultaneously, and not all of them are as apparent or even important, but it’s just...a bunch of ripples all happening all over the place.

And it breaks my heart, during 2020, a year when human rights, systemic racism, a worldwide pandemic, late capitalism, and entire countries submerged in protests because their government is fucking them over...has people shutting off or refusing to turn on their empathy to anyone outside of their bubble. In 2020, when the world needs empathy more than any other year I’ve experienced in my life thus far, a game like this goes SO FAR above and beyond what most games try to do, in a very risky and controversial way, to actively invite its players to fucking STOP AND CONSIDER for a damn moment that there’s more to the world than JUST YOU and what you care about. That your actions have consequences beyond your singular perspective.

Ellie is fueled by rage for a number of reasons, and we don’t even understand all of them until literally the final moments of the game, which I found to be appropriate as it ends on a note of reminding us that there is ALWAYS something we don’t know, something we don’t understand, motivating someone else’s decisions.

Ellie was robbed of agency, of purpose, by both Joel and the Fireflies. Joel robbed both Ellie and the Fireflies of their purpose. And the Fireflies robbed Ellie and Joel of theirs. In return, Ellie is left without purpose, and all she’s really left with is a broken man who desperately wants to be a dad again, to the point that he will murder and lie to hold on to that. Don’t get me wrong - I don’t necessarily hold it against Joel that he murdered people to save Ellie. I will always defend the idea that it was a fucking selfish decision that would realistically lead to consequences. But in the same way Marlene points out to Abby’s dad, ‘What if it was your kid?’ ie ‘What if it was someone you loved?’ I get that, that’s the beauty of how the first game ended. It presents a zero sum game where there is no ‘correct’ choice that everyone can agree on, but in the back of our heads -- and Part 2 actually states this as a point of fact -- we all know Ellie would have CHOSEN to sacrifice herself, had she been asked.

So it was deliciously realistic to me to see Ellie grappling with the frustration, distrust, and anger of Joel having not only robbed that purpose from her, but having lied to her about it. And in the end, it was also wonderfully realistic that part of why she hated Abby so much was that Abby inadvertently robbed her of her chance to try and rebuild and repair that broken relationship.

But here’s the thing, though - the thing I see fucking NO ONE talking about, and I can’t decide if it’s because no one is picking up on it or what.

Both Ellie and Abby are haunted and driven by broken men making selfish choices. Their selfishness keeps both characters kind of locked in to desperately grasping at violent acts to justify a purpose.

Some will play the flashbacks with Joel and will feel warmth and nostalgia and admiration. Some will play the flashbacks with Owen and feel disinterest or disgust because ‘why should I care about these people?’

For me, I couldn’t help bu draw parallels to how both Owen and Joel were men trying to be good, you know, not being specifically evil people, but men who were a bad influence on the women around them, who were great and good and charming and all that until things didn’t go the way they wanted, pushing and prodding with passive digs and pressure to reaffirm their own hopes that despite their mistakes, they’re ‘good men.’ Owen is admittedly much less well developed in this regard, partly because his arc just isn’t as deep or interesting, partly because he didn’t exist in the previous game. But I still could not quite shake it. I grew up with men like Joel and Owen as my father figures, so there’s personal bias there.

I literally had an actual nightmare that woke me up in the middle of the night partway through playing through this game because Joel was in it and I said or did a thing he did not like, and his reaction spooked me awake, in part because I LIVED that growing up. (not murder, but violence, passive aggressive manipulation) I absolutely adore the depth given to Joel’s character, that he has LAYERS to him, and I loved seeing Tommy similarly expanded upon. (him passively prodding at Ellie to try and make good with Joel felt a little manipulative, given that he KNOWS what Joel did; and even his wife’s prodding at Ellie at the game’s outside to ‘make good’ with some old jerk who seems all expectant about being rewarded for basic apologizing, ech)

Last of Us is a horror game, Part 2 even moreso, but it was the feeling of men like Joel who do bad things and then try to justify them after the fact that actually creeped me out more -- all the more creepy because I KNOW Ellie and Abby will give up on better choices to try and ‘do right by them’. I was relieved when Abby began to break free from these old, poor choices, even shortly after making more fo them during her half of the story. This brings me to another fascinating aspect of this game: how Abby’s story is a combination of both Joel’s and Ellie’s.

Dunkey (of all people!) recently praised this game and compared Ellie’s and Abby’s narratives to TLOU1 and Uncharted 4, and I agree with him in a lot of regards, there, but I think what the team was more going for was for Abby’s story to feel like a combination of Joel’s and Ellie’s while simultaneously being directly impacted by Joel and Ellie’s story.

Abby grew up in a military community, even though she expressed an interest in science -- just like Ellie. The death of her father drives her on a quest for revenge -- just like Ellie. She does some horrible shit to people all in the service of trying to protect a kid as some desperate attempt to feel better about all of the bad shit she’s done -- just like Joel. She starts to let herself be empathetic to other people and tries to become a better person because of the kid she takes under her wing -- just like Joel.

In a way, you could argue Part 2′s overall story is kind of repetitious. Ellie’s quest for revenge is a bit too narrow-minded and blind in her rage, and Abby’s story kind of recycles many components we have already seen up until that point. I think what’s there still generally accomplishes what it set out to do: get us to question and try to understand why people do what they do, and consider our own place in that cycle, in those ripples.

I think many aspects of this game that look circumstantial on the surface are not accidents.

I think the recurring imagery of water is an allegory for how we can let rage, anger, and hate drown us. The game’s title starts with a boat drifting in water, and the title changes after the ending to a boat that is beached. The Seattle arc shows a gradually increasing focus on water flooding the environments, culminating in a big rainstorm with crazy waves. The final fight sequence (which tbh I hated but we’ll get to that) takes place literally IN water, involves Ellie trying to drown Abby, and ends with the two of them going separate ways in their boats.

I think it’s no accident that Abby and Ellie’s desire for vengeance is ultimately caused by the same specific moment, and I think it’s interesting that many people seem to skip RIGHT OVER the idea that Ellie feels such a deep sense of rage at Abby killing Joel only because Joel made the decision that caused Abby to kill him in the first place -- and the good and bad that came from that. It’s just a brilliantly complicated web, I think, and that further highlights that none of these characters are inherently good or evil, which is pretty much the entire point of this world in the first place.

I think it’s interesting that both Ellie and Abby grumble insults all of the time over the people they’re killing, and both try to justify their violence with thoughts like “well we’re better then that, we don’t do THOSE kinds of things,” which is, ya know, literally the kinds of mental hoops actual real human beings jump through to justify doing bad shit to each other.

I liked the idea of the trading cards until fairly early on when I found the ‘Dr. Uckmann’ card, which...made me roll my eyes a little at first, until I read the description, which then made me feel more actively uncomfortable than maybe anything else in the entire game, to be quite honest. Partly because it rang of entitled self-importance, but partly because of the reports of Naughty Dog crunch culture.

And on that note, let’s talk about how this game arguably crunched its employees way more than it needed to while simultaneously making its story more bloated than it needed to be.

Don’t get me wrong, I love indulging in more STUFF than it required. I can totally see the appeal of writing extra stuff to a story like because you can, because it’s interesting, because it’s fun to MAKE shit. But when you are a AAA game development studio who is potentially crunching your employees into burnout, maybe a fairly pointless epilogue on top of a game that is already arguably a bit too long in the tooth is...maybe not the best way to go?

On the upside, I enjoyed playing the Santa Barbara location, I loved getting some more Abby/Lev time, I liked seeing Ellie a bit older, I LOVED the scene at the farm with her, Dina, and JJ. I loved the gameplay challenge that was the Rattler’s base. I loved that this game had noticeably larger environments to explore.

But tbh a LOT of content could’ve been cut from this game to make a smoother, better paced experience while simultaneously putting less strain on the developers. I do think the extended flashback sequences focused on non-violent gameplay is important enough to justify itself, but I think a lot of the more violent or unnecessary parts of the game (like the entire sequence on the Seraphite’s island and the Santa Barbara sequence) all feel like...EXTRA? Which on the one hand is great because hot DAMN more beautifully rendered locations, content, etc. but on the other hand I’m not sure it adds as much to justify the real life pain and misery I’m sure some developers went through to create it all, and in a way, it doesn’t quite justify its own existence if we’re being critical.

I get what they were going for with the Seraphites and the WLF but neither group is developed enough to really accomplish the goals of empathy. I think focusing on specific members OF those groups is better, because that is ultimately how real life people break down their walls of bias, -isms, etc. -- they just interact with and befriend people from these groups and realize organically “oh hey we’re all...people, huh.” The game’s attempts at naming NPCs and dogs don’t do much when the game actively rewards you for killing them (speaking of which, I played on Normal and there were way too many items imo, we’ll see how that is on higher difficulties). We could get into the role of violence and gameplay but that’s a WHOLE other can of worms.

But the Rattlers in the final act are even worse. After this entire game of being actively encouraged to empathize with other people from other groups and let yourself consider they aren’t evil, the game just...shoves an objectively worse group of people at you, asks you to murder them, and then...discards the whole thing without a second thought. I found this to be fun from a gameplay perspective (sorry Neil, playing your game actually IS FUN when you put so much work into making the violence fun to engage with) but I found it weird and frustrating from a storytelling perspective, as if the whole thing was an undercooked, unfinished final act that they cobbled together because they just...wanted enemies with helmets and an environment depicting southern California. Hell, tbh I don’t even get why Ellie had to be there other than the developers didn’t think players would be OK just...letting Ellie live a life in peace on a farm or that players would be OK NOT playing as Ellie at the end and letting her beat the shit out of Abby.

I actually LOVED the farm sequence, it felt so...weird for a while. Like you’re just waiting for the hat to drop. And when it does...it’s just PTSD. And that felt right. That felt good, that even though Ellie was spared, after all the shit she did, because she let go and spared Abby in return, she got to live this peaceful life...except life’s not that simple and old scars can still hurt.

I loved when Tommy showed up and we got to see that darker side to him we KNOW has been there this entire time, but Ellie maybe hasn’t been forced to see it. All the way up until this point, I felt I could understand where the characters were coming from and what motivated their decisions.

And then Ellie decided “no, actually, maybe if I throw all of this away I can maybe get rid of this PTSD I got from throwing everything away before.” And then it got worse when after she breaks into this fucking slave house to free people, after she saves Abby and Lev from dying on posts, she STILL wants to fight. ANd Abby’s where I’m at -- that ‘fucking REALLY?’ feeling. I utterly disliked the fight scene in the water. It was the one time in the whole game that actually felt like misery porn to me. I was honestly going into it expecting that maybe Ellie’s stab wound from the trap would cause her to be too weak to fight, and she’d literally drown from bleeding out because of her own unrelenting pursuit of revenge. But nah, we’re put through a pointless, brutal fist/knife fight that...doesn’t really have purpose imo. WHatever you wanted to accomplish here, you could’ve done back in the theater in Seattle. (on that note I LOVED the Ellie boss fight, what a fun gameplay thing and also just tense all around since you really couldn’t tell what was going to happen, but I LOVE that Lev stopped Abby from killing Dina, even though she had every reason to)

I can imagine different versions of the Santa Barbara sequence that offer a more edifying conclusion while still working in the environmental and gameplay components they seemed insistent on working in. It’s the one major portion of the game that, now that I’ve had time to process, I feel the most conflicted about.

Neither Ellie nor Abby “deserve” a happy ending in much the same way Joel didn’t “deserve” a happy ending. This game has no true protagonists or villains (anyone who is presented as a ‘villain’ is minor, and we don’t find out much about them anyway). I think Joel was lucky to get the time he got to live in community once again, to rediscover his humanity (look at all of those flowers they left at his house, this man who fucked over humanity and murdered countless people had a chance to live a few years of peaceful life again), I think Ellie was lucky she got time to even live what she did on that farm with Dina and JJ, and was lucky to still be alive at the end of the story. I think Abby was lucky to have been able to break free from a life of militaristic bullshit and rediscover some of her own lost humanity.

I think a lot of people admire Joel as a hero when it’s clear he was never one.

I think a lot of people admire Ellie and try to idolize her as the smarmy kid she could never permanently exist as.

I think a lot of people hate on Abby for EXISTING (and being a woman -gasp- WITH MUSCLES) and I’m pretty pleased with Laura Bailey getting to play this role (and Ashly Burch getting a supporting role in this game, too, for that matter).

I think The Last of Us is not ‘about Ellie and Joel.’ I think The Last of Us is about humanity, and exploring it through different angle. Sometimes needlessly gritty and dark ones, but Part 2 gave us even more light-hearted, pelasant moments than I could have expected. I think people who look so reductively at this game -- now officially a ‘series’ -- as ‘Joel and Ellie 100x forever’ and literally anything outside of that being bad and a waste of time fundamentally missed the entire purpose of this game, ironically ignoring what it is trying to passionately to convey. I think Naughty Dog’s marketing of the game actively misled people in ways that are rare for the industry, and I do think that is a bit shady - but on the other hand, being misled actively improved my experience with the end product (which is arguably why they did it). I think the way Sony has latched on Joel and Ellie as ‘Playstation Icons’ and encouraged people to buy up TLOU merch depite there not being much TO turn into merchandise says something.

Also? Frankly?

I am SO FUCKING TIRED of “angry sad dad” games.

Like. I loved TLOU 1, I loved the new God of War, etc. etc.

But God of War took basically NO RISKS and had NOTHING TO SAY that countless other pieces of media have said to death. That’s fine, there’s nothing wrong with that, I really enjoyed it and look forward to the next. But this game actually has challenging thoughts, complicated things, it is trying to get players to consider, and most everyone I see shitting on the game either hasn’t played it or doesn’t seem interested in games that exist for something beyond making them feel good about themselves? I dunno.

I think at the end of the day, TLOU as an entire series, and specifically the sequel, isn’t about Joel and Ellie, that was just the more focused lens the original game had. For its messier, muddier experience, Part 2 strives for nothing more than many pieces of media have but for something that is still rare in the space of AAA video games.

It takes some risks, it makes some missteps in getting where it goes, for sure, and it’s by no means some holy gift to mankid, but it passionately goes to GREAT lengths to explore and express a fairly simple idea: 

empathy is a choice, understanding others is a choice,

and we are all inherently better off when we choose to blindly accept understanding than when we blindly choose hate and violence.

Just because we can’t walk ‘the path of the right,’ and just because ‘we’re wrong’ doesn’t mean we should let the phantoms in our lives continue to keep a hold on our future. Just because someone does some good things doesn’t erase the consequences and ripples of the bad they have done, and just because we do bad things doesn’t mean we can’t do good.

The way to end the cycle of violence is empathy.

It’s simplistic in concept, but if you look around at not just the reception to this game even before people could play it, but just the STATE OF THE WORLD IN 2020, you will see that maybe we still need such basic, simplistic concepts to continue to be explored in big budget media.

[popculturebuffet]

The Loud House Reviews: Schooled!

Season 5, and regular coverage begin! The loud house finally moves into a new year chronologically: Lincoln and Co move up to Middle School but find themselves seperated when LIncoln accidently signs up for the wrong class and ends up with a mean teacher and frienemy chandler, and then ends up commuting to a Canadian school instead. The Canada part is more believable than a middle school not having multiple teachers for multiple subjects frankly but more ranting on that later. Meanwhile in order to get Lori moves on to college only to find every dorm is a comedic set piece, and Lynn Sr and Rita try to get Lily ready for pre school by potty training her. Finally in all this chaos Leni ends up attending pre school. Again still more believable than the single class thing. Ramblings about well guess, how amazing it is the show has lasted this long in this day and age, my thoughts on Lynn Jr being kind a obnoxious. 50% chad and my lessened hatred for rusty. Which again I assure you is more believable than the single class nonsense. Back to School, under the cut.

Welcome readers new and old to regular coverage of The Loud House! Couple of reasons for that. The first is, like amphibia, so I don’t fall behind as I tend to procastinate and let episodes of shows pile up, and i’m tired of it. The second is that I feel we need more Loud House content on this site that’s not loudcest, people shipping sam and lincoln soley to try and get back at the show for having a gay couple, and some weird stuff I can’t quite unwrap because i’m old. And keep in mind I understand 50% chad just fine.. look at him. 

So yeah I have a feeling young or old, i’m not the only one scared to go int here and hopefully I can give ya’ll something fun to look forward to or worth sifting through it. 

Now i’ve covered the show before.. 4 times in fact, having covered Brave the last dance as a one off way back and having covered ALL THREE SALUNA episodes during pride month. So check those out if you want my previous thoughts on the show as a whole, my faviorite character and her special lady, and me ranting about rusty/.. and we’ll get to him. But i’ve got a lot to talk about, some of it not directly about the episode so pitter pat er let’s get at eer.  The first thing I want to talk about is.. how big an occasion the show is. It’s not only at 5 seasons but it recently got renewed for a 6th and still has a movie on the way.. as I hope so does rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles.. please don’t let that movie have been canceled, that show went from okay to leaving me wanting more of my mad dogs... but yeah getting back on track they’ve offically reached... 

And that’s.. incredibly rare ESPECIALLY for nick. I mean yes spongebob will never die, and the fairly oddparents died way after it should’ve, but for the most part nick is a giant tire fire of dickheads when it comes to running a network. They have an absolutley ghastly habit of canceling a show as soon as possible, and if they already commissioned season 2 shuttling it to sister network nicktoons to die a quite death. They expect every show to become an overnight sucess, or else and it’s a freaking disgusting practice. And it’s still going: I mean just to bookend it, around the same time loud house started, we got the utter classic Harvey Beaks. The show had a sizeable audiences and what kids I showed it to loved it but because it wasn’t doing spongebob numbers Nick shuttled it to nicktoons then yelled at it’s creator for daring to be upset they you know.. moved his show to their designated graveyard without telling him and ended the show without giving them notice to change the ending. The final episode still WORKS as a final episode, but it wasn’t INTENDED to end on a bittersweet note and I blanme that on nick.  The bookend part comes from the fact that about a month before this Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turltes ended it’s run.. on Nicktoons, with no fanfare and like Harvey fans likely only knowing thanks to scheduling, had it’s final season cut in half so they had to rush the pacing of the final few episodes to wrap up as much as they could, AND the cancelation reason was the always reliably stupid “low toy sales” excuse.  The odds of a show surviving on nick, nevermind thriving are very slim and even outside the nightmare factory that is my once beloved childhood network, most animated shows last around 3 seasons. Disney channel usually cuts htem off around 4, and cartoon network around 3 if their that nice, with utter classic OK KO being one of the latest victims of the cancelation bug, and steven unvierse only got a 6th season after essentially being canceled and having to rush the ending, only THEN getting to go back and fill in the cracks with Future and the Movie.  And unlike fellow network loved show that’s gone on for a while, Teen Titans Go, the Loud House is still a pretty good show. It has it’s bumps, we’ll talk about some of them here and i’ve talked about em before, especially the “”With the casagrandes mini” which could’ve easily hurt said show but thankfully didn’t. It’s grown, going from being about the one boy among ten girls to being about all 11 kids, AND their parents and making earnest attempts to make once hated characters like Lori and Lola fully fleshed out.. it’s been more 50 50 with lynn, but more on that later. My point is the show’s tried to evolve, to grow out of having a simple status quo and actually let things change and it’s refreshing when a lot of comedy shows refuse to. The show CAN be hit ore miss in quality, but hte misses have become less cruel and the hits have become that much more impactful. 

Not only that but the show surivived the seeming impossible of it’s creator being revealed to be a sexual harassing creepy asshole who hopefully gets his dick sanded off for all eternity when he invetibly ends up in hell or whatevers next. Screw him but good on Nick for firing him swiftly, one of the few times in the last few years i could really say that about them and not be sarcastic, and good on the crew for carrying on easily without him. 

My point is.. it’s nice to not be attending another show’s funeral. After rise and then venture bros, it’s NICE to have a show surivive and carry on and decide NOT to rest at this stage and stay in it’s comfort zone but shake things up a bit. It’s nice in this stinkhole of a year to have something to celebrate, and yes i’m aware a back to school specail is ill timed, for obvious reasons, but it was likely in production long before covid and I can’t fault the writers for wanting to give kids an escape, nor for doing the quarntine special earlier to help them talk through it. So congrats loud house you earned it.  Now that’s out of the way, the not resting thing.. the thing that has me covering the show, and had me exxcited for this episode.. is that they decided to shake things up a lot by moving all the kids up an age and moving Lori up to college. And what makes this work.. is this wasn’t something they just sprung on the audience. it would’ve worked with that after 4 years of the same age and general stuff.. but season 3 started setting it up with Lincoln and Clyde’s middle school visit and Lori’s college interview, both things i’ll likely cover ventually, while Season 4, after the mini series, had most Lori episodes focus on getting her ready for it: From her senior year, to Leni realizing she’d be gone and being panicky over it, to her working to get a car, which she rides off in this episode. The show dedicated one of it’s few arcs, and probably the only non-romantic one outside of Ronnie Anne and Bobby moving to their spinoff, to this. 

They were all in on this and there was no turning back, and shaking up the status quo like this is a risk as some viewers fear change and run from it like cowards> Me.. I loved it. I loved the idea of taking Lincoln to a new school, giving him and his friends new stuff to do and new challenges to face,  having Lori move away, have Luna learn to drive, have Lisa enter kindergarten, Lily say more etc. And there’s even things I didn’t think of that two upcoming episode synposis suprised me with: birthday episodes, though it’d be best to spread them out but i’m hoping strife of the party isn’t the only one, and the power vacum: Can Leni take over for Lori.. should she? Should Luna or Luaan try instead. Do they even want to? it’s all good questions. It’s a simple but small change that helps change up the show for the better, opens up new avenues while not salting the earth for the old as demonstrated by half of the upcoming episdoes for the next two weeks being ones that could’ve been done at any point in the show. 

So yeah my hype was at maxium, helped by the fact I love one hour specials of shows: “Change Your Mind” “Reign Storm”, all three ducktales have done so far with “Let’s Get Dangeorus” likely adding to that list.. it’s usually a great time for shows to go all out, show waht they got and tell deeper stories. So the big question all this has been leading up to: what did loud house, 5 seasons in,k with a clean slate and tone sof potetial do with their premiere? Well let’s take a look shall we?  This episode is divided into 4 plots, one of which is really a plot inside a plot but still technically 4, all centered around school starting: Lincoln and Co have their first day of middle school, Lori is moving to college after all that setup, and Lily is finally old enough for daycare. And Lynn Sr is having a slow motion breakdown at first, he gets out of it quickly, because understandably he’s feeling mealcholy about not only having all his kids in school but having his first leave him. Sure he still has a full hosue but it’s still rough having one of the few constants in  your life , a chaotic life at that go. So each one focuses on one of them. THe fourht if your curious has Leni accidently end up in Lily’s pre school and is comedy gold. More on that in a minute.  This is actually one of the episodes problems as only Lincoln’s plot and Lori’s plot feel like they naturally dovetail, while Lily’s plot feels like an eleven minute episode that was bootstrapped to this one either to get her into daycare faster or to pad it out to an hour along with parts of the Lincoln plot. It’s till not a BAD episode, but it dosen’t feel quite as cohesive as it should, or as big in scope being an hour long, with most of the loud kids outside the four with plots not getting more than a cameo, though Lisa gets to be the best part of LIly’s plot, and Lynn.. we’ll get to her. It’s not great. I do GET why they did this, as trying to focus on ALL of them at once is nigh impossible and it let the stories breathe better, but it still feels weird that none of them have a reaction to lori being gone and frankly I think the stronger story would be to have had lily potty train LAST season, and then focus this on Lori leaving, the family adjusting, and have Lincoln’s middle school woes be the b plot. Now granted we have a full season to rumninate on her absence, and how it effects the others, so it’s not the hugest lost, but i feels like a waste of the extra time to just pile three episodes into one when a half hour could’ve done the same and saved you two half hours for later. It’s not terrible, but it could’ve been better. Now i’m done moping about the special as a whole for a second let’s break down each plot one at a time. 

The A-Plot: Lincoln Took off to Canada the Other Dayyyyyyyyy The plot is very simple and the adds and summary sadly telegraphed it.. which didn’t help because it’s very clear from the episode Lincoln getting sent to canada is a wacky twist and not supposed to be in the adds. I mean I can’t blame them it’s in half the episode, but it still would’ve been funnier if they kept it as a suprise. And yes if you didn’t know about this episode LIncoln gets sent to canada which is somehow not too weird for the show.  So Lincoln and Co are starting high school. And now’s as good a review as any to TALK about Lincoln’s supporting cast. I did a bit during my review of Brave the Last Dance but feel it’s a good time to talk about them again update opinons and what not. I do feel like they sometimes blend into each other a bit much and shine best when one of them is given the spotlight to play off the others instead of all playing a supporitng role. It’s why I like “Pasture Bedtime” and “brave the last dance” so much: They let the characters breathe while still giving one some extra focus. As for each indivdiually. 

Clyde as I said there i’ve come around on: Early on how tolerable he was was a coin flip: he could be an adorable, somewhat awkard, sheltered kid but one eager to help his friend with his various schemes, as he is now only with a love of baking which is even better. But he could ALSO be a creepy little bugger who either had a freaking anime nose bleed and fainted when Lori was around, or tried to break her and Bobby up, Bobby who is not only the nicest character on BOTH shows in general but was extra nice to Clyde despite all this. Granted I think my boy was too dense to realize Clyde was being a one man asshole parade, but still. It dosen’t help that with Savino’s later ousting for doing the same shit but as a grown ass man. Thankfully he has done a complete recovery and the Lori bit was thankfully dropped and with Bobby gone, he couldn’t hurt my baby boy anymore, so they moved on to other parts of him. Plus I love his dad’s not just for the obvious being gay dads but for being good characters in their own right. 

Stella is easily my favorite of the group, i’ve gone on about her before and Haley Tju does a wonderful job with her, and she feels a bit more three dimensional than the rest of the non-clyde members of the group. Not fully, but still a bit more than the one trait they get and hopefully like our next one up and clyde, she actually gets to start showing up outside of lincoln’s friend squad team episodes. 

Liam is easily my second faviorite. I”m aware he’s not the most complex boy: He’s a farmer, and he knows how to tame animals.. that’s about what he’s used for.. but he’s a sweet enoguh kid he makes it work. And frankly said trait works for him because shockingly, out of all of lincoln’s non clyde friends he’s shown up the MOST in stories not involving Lincoln, and even in one of those lately not involving hte rest of his friends. No really, he popped up in racing hearts in season 3, and Senior Moment and Snoops On Last season. It’s not a TON of episodes overall but compared to the rest of them it’s very noticable and I love it. More please. 

Moving on to the ones i’ve bitched about... Zach. Yeah.. my thoughts can best be summed up as this. 

I mean.. Lincoln’s friends, even the more cheerful ones are capable of feeling defeat and pesimsim, if you want one to downtalk people you have rusty, and “has a tatoo , likes antqiues and belives in cryptids” aren’t really great quirks. If they did more with them or used them OUTSIDE of his episodes sure, but otherwise .. why is he here other than not wanting to explain his absence? Sure he plays off rusty.. but Stella could easily do his role as that and even then they don’t use him for that enough to really justify being him around. Either have a point with him or quitely write him out.. Star Vs, for all it’s flaws, leanred this as far back as season 2 with alphonso and ferguson, AND when people qutestioned where they are actually brought them back to properly write them off and gave them closure in the episode they gave the rest of the echo creek cast the same. Just pick one. And if you want him to knock rusty down a peg fine, just do so.  And now Rusty.. my old nemisis.... and things have changed. Do I still LIKE Rusty? nope. Just.. nope. I don’t. He’s still a skeezy little idiot.. but I realized that unlike LIam he at least has a purpose in the group: He’s the Micheal Kelso. Granted UNLIKE kelso, they don’t go the extra mile and have his friends poke fun at him, but this isn’t that kind of friendship, and with Lynn now around more and Chandler now likely going to be the same, there’s more opprotunites for someone outside the group to rightfully insult the little moron. And if their not going to.. I realized I could. I realized I ENJOY insulting him, taking the piss out of his unjusitfied ego, and just having fun making fun fo the little goober. And more than that.. I realized he DOES have redeeming qualities. He’s a genuinely good friend, he loves his friends dearly and has no trouble showing affection despite his misplaced swagger. I may mock the kid, and I will again.. but he’s not a bad person and will likely grow out of being a dipweasel, just not on screen. I realized having a deep abiding hatred of him just wasn’t good for me when simply mocking him constantly does the trick. There are other, more important things to get pissed about. Rusty isn’t that important. But he is good joke fodder and unlike the show with Zach I refuse to pass up an opportunity. 

But yeah now that’s out of the way, the basic setup here infuraties me. It’s for mildly stupid reasons, but ones i’m going to go to bat for: Lincoln dosen’t get into the same class as his friends. As in their still treating this like elementary school and having everyone in the same class for every subject. That.. that’s not how middle school works. that’s not how any of this works. They don’t lump groups of the same kids into one tract of classes, even electives like cooking or forced ones like PE, which thanks to my autisim I was allowed to attend a diffrent kind of PE that wasn’t an utter fucking nightmare. And you may say “Well Jake your a near 30 blobby shell of a man and things change” which is accurate but they haven’t changed that much. Girl Meets World was only 6 years ago. And while they DID have Cory as the only real teacher they USED, he was still shown to be their history teacher and it was lampshaded sometimes how he wasn’t their only class. And yes I know a lot can change in 6 years, the hellscape we’re in proves that, but just simply ASKING my middle schooler nephew if this is still how that works.. and yup it is. Now it could be diffrent by region, but for the most part the conseus seems to be on diffrent teachers for diffrent subjects. And again as Girl Meets World shows, it’s not THAT complicated. Just have one teacher you use for everything or have a home room. Why do this, why. Just why exactly. Why. You barely used actually in school classes for plots anyway and mostly did stuff around the edges like crushes or lunch or dodge ball. Speaking of which where is Girl Jordan. Where IS she? Anyways, my point is this, especailly as a ned’s declassified school surivvial guide on this very network,f fan really annoys me and takes me out of things..  And the thing is they COULD’VE still done this plot just had the gang all adjust, not just lincoln, to not being in the same class togehter. Have them have to do various classes WITHOUT having each other to rely on. You could even have chandler and mr. bohlmer show up. But the way they do this just..d osen’t really make sense and just feels lazy. And if there were good jokes i’d be fine with his but their aren’t. IT’s just a mean teacher and Lincoln being picked on by a moron for the first half while his friends struggle to function without him. It’s just sad and not in the well written, well thought out way.  Then we get to “This needs to be an hour” portion of the plot as again the above could’ve EASILY worked for the full hour but because they instead went with this, they had to think of something else... and went with something bonkers that at the very least is entertaining: Lincoln, after convincing his teacher for a transfer, which I did like as he uses his head: He sees his teacher wants something diffrent for lunch and paper airplaners her a cupon for his dad’s restraunt then talks himself into an off campus lunch to talk her into a new class.. and winds up transfered to canada as she well meaningly  did so he can’t get out of. And while I thought this was just wacky exageration having him commute.. turns out .. nope. While I don’t know if any school would actually have a student commute to Canada rather than jsut stay there turns out Royal Woods is in michigan and Michigan is across a lake from Ontario.. so yeah.. they did their geography research but not their middle school one. Weird ain’t it?  Anywho, I ended up liking this portion... and not just because it has canada gooses, which means i can use this. 

And if you have a problem with Letterkenny you got a problem with me and I suggest you let that one marinate. But yeah we get an ENTIRE number playing into canadian stereotypes and it’s clear this show is rather than using them for a cheap laugh just exagerating things for fun and a slight nudge to canadians, who I clearly love. It feels less like “oh ha ha canada” and more like if the great white north was stretched over 15 minutes but still worked. 

It’s just good fun. And they also again have an entire musical number full of canadian sterotypes and expressing love of this great country which I hope to visit some day.. and possibly live if this country countinues to get worse. It just feels nice and more creative than the first half. It’s still not FANTASTIC, but it works somehow and Ic an’t explain why. Eventually LIncoln tries to get kicked out, fails then plans to blow the hockey game for everyone and calls on his friends to help, sending them all to canada wh ere they get lost in the wilderness. There is a funny bit where Stella’s gps literally freezes over and zach acidently smashes it as well as Rusty’s “Moustache” one pathetic hair because why should his moustache be anything else freezes off. and given even with me being less vitrolic his suffering is my catnip I enjoyed it. We also get a cute sequence of them runing the ice and rusty failing at anything because of course he does, while Liam both tames a moose and slathers them in grease to swim across because of COURSE he does. Of course he does. IT’s just a refreshing jolt of energy after the first half. But we do get a really damn good scene after htey fail.. besides the fact Rusty’s head is frozen, which would be funny even if it wasnt’ happenign to rusty, that just makes it go from chuckle worthy to giant uncomfortable laugh worthy, where Lincoln gives up: They’ll still be firends and he’ll still come visit but it’s best he just adapt to his new life instead of try and fight so hard against it and he’s starting to enjoy canada. It’s a well acted and sad scene that ends with a huge hug from clyde and another bit we’ll get to in a second.  But because having LIncoln in canada would be hard to maintain for a few seasons, and because as degrassi shows me the odds of him getting nearly beaten to death, caught in school shooting, stabbed in a parking lot or ending up in a kevin smith film which back then was a treat but now is a coin flip, are very high. Seriously he dosen’t want to end up in moose jaws, he instead gets banned from canada for three years for refusing maple syurp... which is also fucking hilarious just for it’s sheer rediculousness. Who dosen’t love canadian maple syrup?  So the ballance is restored, Liam has  moose now, and Lincoln actually gets the trailer heat turned down because he asked.. this plot was not very good as I made clear and drags the specail down and it’s in part because there were other joke and character opprotunites iwth ACTUAL middle school and instead it just comes off as another episode of “Smack lincoln around because tha’ts funny right” and wastes good opprotunity. It’s not all terrible, the canada jokes worked becuase they felt like they were in good fun and more a loving jab at canada instead of just using stereotypes for sterotypes sake, and given the loud sisters started as basic character achtypes it fits the shows tone. So canada part good the rest a huge disapointment. Also before we move onto Lori: Lynn.. was utterly terrible this episode. The girl one, obviously. Lynn Sr is usually a delight. Yeahhh while I don’t hate her like some do, I do find her to be REALLY hit and miss: she’s either an enjoyable additon to the episode, an intresting lead.. or an obnoxious nightmare who makes everyone around her suffer and is used for gross out gags.. which if nothing else it’s good their using a girl for it but it dosen’t make it actually funny? And here she’s Hall Monitor and a giant terror to everyone INCLUDING THE PRINCIPAL and it feels like a waste.. other episodes have had her be lincoln’s mentor when it comes to his shift to middle school and when the time comes where that would be utterly useful... she’s instead just a jackass because they coudln’t think of something better to do with her and it’s another disapointment.  The B-Plot: Lori Loud and the Infinite Comic Set Pieces This plot was better but likely would’ve worked better in a shorter episode to me if i’m being honest, but it’s grown on me the more i’ve thought about it.. plus it has Bobby! 

I haven’t really had a chance to mention it since most Loud Houses i’ve covered are after his exit and he only really shows up in lori episodes and I haven’t covered the Casagrandes yet.. but I love this idiot. He’s sweet, charming, kind, a good boyfriend, a good big brother, and a caring individual. Sure he’s dumb as a box of hammers, but he’s a good kid and post season 1 he and lori have good chemstiry. And he was easily one of hte biggest draws to the spinoff for me which has fleshed him out nicely with his work at the Mercado, showing he is good at something. He’s just a great character and i’m glad to see him back on the mothership, even if he doesn’t do much and at most just keeps coming back to help Lori move at a moment’s notice. But it feels less like her being selfish and more like him being selfless: Sure she’s asking a lot.. but he probably gets that moving away from home and into a strage place is hard for his lady and just wants to help her be happy and settle in. Because he’s the best. 

As for why Lori keeps moving part of it is the fact that the dorms at fair way are insane comic set pieces and I am here for it. She starts out at the silent dorm, which just.. no. No on that no. Then moves to the driving range dorm which is exactly what it sounds like and is a hilarious hurricane of balls. “Sigh” Archer if you would. 

And the sand trap dorm, which just has a giant bunch of sand in the closets for some reeason.. presumibly to keep darth vader away. And yes I get it’s supposed to mimic a sandtrap but theni t should be all around like the other dorms. It’s goofy, it’s dumb.. and I can’t help but laugh at it and the fact that Fairway apparently is so intense about golf they train students via having them live on certain hazards like this was an anime... and I would totally watch a spinoff about lori that was her undergoing anime golf battles. And I hate golf. Plus put bobby in there.. he can be on two shows. Make it a diffrent world but with dragon ball z golf battles. But eventually Lori comes crying home after breaking down, like any college student living away i’m told.. and that’s where the dovetail I mention comes into play. Lori overhears lincoln’s pep talk and decides to go back and face the exesntial nightmare that is her dorm life, giving her brother a sincre hug and thanking him for uknowingly helping her. It’s a really sweet moment. It’s why her plot works for me.. it has the emotinal weight that feels lacking from the main plot. It’s a bit repetitive, but frankly that’s the show’s bread and butter at this point and i’ts more a case of which repettition works better sometimes. That one moment saves the plot form being unwatchable and Lori moves into the water hazard floor of the dorms, and is finally ready. And while at first I thought the exagerated dorms lowered the punch of things.. it really dosen’t. From what i’ve heard Dorm life isn’t easy, and being away from home is even harder. My mentally anxious self would’ve broken down within days. Their just taking it up twenty notches because loud house. The real issue is lori being homesick, which I do feel could’ve been handled better, but for what hit is it’s okay. Not as good as it couldv’e been but still better than the a-plot. But it’s a nice bit of character stuff: it shows usually in control Lori out of her element and trying to adapt and hopefully we’ll see more of her this season in that context. And more of bobby, may he reign forever. Okay one more. 

The C and D plots: Leni and Lily Go to Preschool  This one won’t take long, thank god. Lily goes to preschool, the loud parents, after some empty nest.. enjoy having the house to themselves for the first time in years. They actually have TIME with no kids and just the two of them to goof off and, presumibly off screen, boink like rabbits.. granted that’s how they clearly usually do it given they have 11 kids but still. But Lily gets sent home for popping herself, and they have to teach her to go it’s eh aside from a few bits. As I said Lisa is the best part of this as Lynn Sr and Rita yank her out of school, with Lisa responding to Cheryls worries abotu her missing school with a dry “I think i’ll be fine without finger painting”. The resolution, or at least the start of it, is genuinelly clever. Turns out Lily KNOWS how to use the potty, she just dosen’t want to go to school yet, and the Loud Parents.. actually take this well, confronting her with it but gently, understanding she may not want to leave the nest and letting her stay. 

Meanwhile Leni ends up in preschool in the shuffle of not having Lori around to guide her one brain cell. Which is honestly hilarious and her outfit for the episode is fucking dope.. I honestly wish she’d wear her hair in a ponytail more often and the jacket is nice. I wish this was her new outfit.. like they could make it green so she’s not stepping on Lola wearing pink, but it’s a nice change of pace. But yeah it’s hilarious, especially since neither she nor the actual professionals notice and it has a nice bit of subtext on tumblr noted: She may be regressing, or simply enjoying little girl school because she misses her big sister and it’s easier than navigating a scary world without her best frined. To dig into it a bit myself we’ve seen in previous episodes that Lori is her rock, who she goes to when she has a problem in her solo episodes, who she relies on. Sure they fight over a closet but they depend on each other. We saw how worried Leni was about loosing her last season, and now she’s lost her and dosen’t know what to do without her. It’ll be intresting to see more of.  Or it’s because while she’s a capable young woman she’s also as dumb as a box of hammers like her future brother in law> you make the call. Eventually Leni gets sent back, and bemoans missing all the fun of preschool.. which gets Lily to go as she gets a trampoline, and the nest is finally empty.. also Leni goes back for a few more bounces. Yeah I love this kid. She’s sweet, kind, and hilariously moranic and voiced by LIliana Mumy who along with Carols is easliy part of my stable of voice actors. So yeah the family’s moving on, etc etc, and this review is finally over.  Final Thoughts: This episode was okay. It reaks of wasted potetial, but it’s a fine enough one hour, it jsut couldv’e been MORE with such a long run time and the lily and leni bits would’ve fit better in a seperate episode. It’s not TERRIBLE but it’s just an okay start to the season and a waste of good stories and good laughs in places. Still the show’s had worse, it’s just okay overall. Not TERRIBLE but it could’ve been FANTASTIC. Next week Leni deals with the lori power vaccum and Lincoln and Clyde snoop on the neighbors. Until then you can find other loud house reviews on my blog, hit me up iwth an ask for suggetsions or a dm to comission an episode you want to see me cover and until then, GO TEAM VENTURE. Play us out servo

[jalebi-weds-bluetooth]

6 Weird Tracks of IPKKND

Version: What were the creatives thinking? - wait - poor guys and women knew what was happening and with the way ITV (Indian Television) works, we know who might have stuck their nose and ruined things #ilovenandsupportwritersandcreators #letIndiantvcomeinseasonsandworkwonders

TL;DR The Taming of Lavanya Kashyap

- Why dress up as Khushi 2.0? Why forget that Lavanya is a damn suave working woman? (Saved by Lavanya & Khushi’s friendship).

The Whole Arnav-Is-Murderer, Suicide, Arnav’s Misunderstanding Reveal Track

- Arnav, an atheist, would murder his wife because of astrological implications in his birth chart? 

- If a woman is convinced that her husband can kill her, it’s not funny. 

- Suicide is NOT funny. 

The Kidnapping Track

- Khushi as Bond? Replacing petrol with water (no... I know she can save him but no...)? The hut? Masala Mama? Private Detective?

Let’s do Rasam & Suhaagraat Attempt 1.2

- When logic was missing in both of their heads. 

- Also, there’s a DIFFERENCE between DISCOMFORT and being BASHFUL.

Aarav - Arnav 2.0

- When the whole family thinks it’s cute to tell a woman how her husband’s ex’s child looks similar to her husband. Aww. 

The Mrs. India ‘Contest’

- The dresses, ‘rounds’ and Khushi’s amazing disbelief in herself. Wasn’t this the same woman who once said that life is not measured by a mere challenging win and loss to Lavanya, Sim & Pam? Was this not the same woman who was proud to be the way she was? The curious case of Khushi losing her intelligence *cry* And every 4 Lions show post this has had fantastic fashion sense... why? 

The Taming of Lavanya Kashyap

Alright, before anyone gawks at me let me put it out that I know this was Indian television and this was the time when the poor writers were kind of forced to make this show more family friendly as this romantic (and initially dark) show was aired on Star Plus and not Star One.

So I don’t have a problem with the idea per se. In fact it’s a fantastic, clever and ingenious way of getting Khushi into Shantivan. What I have a problem with is with the values they impart on what being a woman is.

Anjali, for me, is the quintessential sanskaari yet lovable character. She smiles and is elated at the thought of tradition. Although she complains and pushes her brother to follow rituals - it’s all done in light humor. When things get serious, she is more concerned about the grey aspects of his life and is painfully aware that her brother is still haunted by the shadows of his past. 

So perhaps after crafting a character who can be adorably traditional yet sensible, it puzzled me to no end as to what crap in the world was Khushi teaching Lavanya; tea bags v/s tea leaves, marry if you want the man to stick with you, marriage is the only important social marker of a woman (?), no man wants to marry a modern woman so dress up like a bride to be seen as a bride (wtf).  And alright, we can excuse Khushi on the fact that she has been raised in a highly conservative society, it’s extremely troubling when ASR tells Lavanya to chose between being at home or working in the office (if I am wrong, please correct me).  All of this could have just been more... appropriate. Yes, Lavanya turning out as this lovable, slightly goofy yet terribly honest and perceptive woman stole my heart. I loved that part from the bottom of my heart. But the journey to being there - not too much. 

- I would have loved a scene where Khushi would get to know Lavanya. About her boundaries. Her lifestyle and upbringing in London (? - she gives NRI vibes). The way her family isn’t connected (the gasp everyone has when Lavanya says she isn’t connected to her cousin is NORMAL, people don’t keep connections), Lavanya’s own struggle to rise in the fashion industry and her eventual friendship and love to ASR. This scene would give growth to Khushi to not judge a woman by the length of her skirt and Lavanya too that just because Khushi came from a conservative household does not mean she’ll keep her judgements. 

- ONE scene where Khushi would have asked the family to change Arnav, just as Lavanya is changing for Arnav. It would be nice to see the Lavanya and Khushi growing protective towards each other over time as this is the first time either would be making honest friends. And a nice mirror to the society’s refusal of changing their boys (we had Balika Vadhu at the same time so this wouldn’t be too difficult. If going religious then men too should idolize Shri Ram and be virtuous if they expect all the women to be Sitas).

- Lastly, a mature conversation about Arnav’s reluctance to marry (not the weird Shivanya Sharanya - marriage does not guarantee character or fidelity - *cough* Shyam Manohar Jha *cough* Arnav’s dad?). Lavanya’s worry should have stemmed from Arnav’s reluctance to marry her. [One wonderful scene to throwback is when Anjali quickly perceives that her brother is not so much against marriage as he is against marrying Lavanya - the first time Tu Hi Bata Mere Maula plays].

#thissectionrantisover

The Whole Arnav-Is-Murderer, Suicide, Arnav’s Misunderstanding Reveal Track

What in the Lord’s name was that? I... I don’t have words. First of all Khushi believing that a clearly atheist Arnav married her because of astrological errors in his birth chart? Just because she saw it on news? There’s one thing about Khushi being cute and other being idiotic. 

Also... I did not crack a single smile when she imagined Arnav to have poisoned her tea or smother her in her sleep. The belief that your husband can murder you for his own benefit is VERY TROUBLING. This is what a lot of spouses fear in a relationship where there’s constant domestic abuse. Maybe I’m being picky because I’ve seen a lot of victims terrified, truly, because of how their partners could kill them and it is far away from being hilarious. 

Nobody in a marriage should be convinced that their spouse can kill them - if they are convinced then this is RED FLAG for something serious. It’s never funny. 

And oh dear, Khushi trying to attempt suicide. WHO THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY? I refuse to believe the writers weren’t intelligent because from whatever little I’ve read from Gautam’s thoughts and interviews - he’s an amazing intellectual with the sharpest of minds and someone who knows and is sensitive about mental health among other things. And in fact as what phati-sari (a fantastic IPKKND blogger) said, writers are paid and trained to bring great things on the table.

So yes, for whatever reasons they know best, this scene was off the hook. I could not laugh and felt like there was a stone lodged in my throat for all of the episodes. A person attempting suicide is NOT funny. 

And honestly it didn’t make sense that in front of Arnav’s eyes Khushi was going to commit suicide because she believed Arnav loved someone else and then he thought that of course, she totally does not have feelings for him. 

The fight - independently - is fine. I get it that something explosive had to have happened for Arnav to spill why he married her and I so sorely wish it was something else. 

The Kidnapping Track

So by now you know that I don’t blame the people for how they handled the track because unlike Western content Indian television shoots for 12-16 hours daily, hats off! So the writers, actors, production - all did their best. 

Again, NO problem with the idea of getting Arnav kidnapped - AMAZING. And may I say I was a little happy to see him get into such a big trouble because she told him to believe her and he didn't. Sorry, I am evil. 

The biggest problem is everything else. While it’s amazing to see Khushi and Manorama unite in this crisis, it was a cringe fest with Khushi and Manorama all going Detective James Bond over this. On top of that Masala Mama and the Babli hangover was... pointless? 

If anything, I think this would be a great time for Khushi to realize all the lies that could have been fed to Arnav. Like of course Arnav saw them on the terrace, but how could he have been so sure that Khushi loved Shyam passionately, was ready to have an affair until these vile thoughts were supplemented by Shyam? 

A good time to fester Khushi’s hatred for Shyam to an extent that she doesn’t follow the typical Indian code of avoid-your-molester-and-keep-quiet-of-his-harrassment. Also, instead of having Akash and Payal as separate components to this story, it would have been great if Akash and Payal started having doubts on Khushi’s marriage on the first place.

It would be great if Akash already got a sense of Payal hiding something and he would keep on reassuring her with the belief she could tell him anything and then when the Shyam thing blew up it would have explained that Akash would have supported Payal and Khushi had Payal trusted him.

Anyways, it was wonderful to see Khushi rescuing Arnav - a nice knight in distress and damsel in shining armor. I liked the dreams they shared - the Teri Meri was stunning and hot and I was in no hurry to see an awkwardly executed consummation sequence where honestly the tension fizzed and both looked like they were drunk to perform near rapey scene (honestly the closeups were weird, the ones where you can see both of them kinda looks hot). Also, the logic to keep your wife buried in hay in the middle of nowhere and not attempt to keep running - ? 

And I wish she once told Arnav that she knew he was in trouble because if everything was normal, he would have not said it. He preferred to not see her face in most occasions. *angst*

I honestly loved the initial things that Khushi was doing - her fear, inability to not think of anything except Arnav, logging London hours and times of his meetings, suspicion on the one man who hates them both - everything a woman can do when everything seems ‘normal’. The desperation totally built to a full blown making out session whenever they would meet. 

I am pro Arnav Khushi consummation - duh - like if they literally did it in the boxes after that nose touch and intense eye sex while hiding from all the goons - yup, do it in those boxes!

Let’s do Rasam & Suhaagraat Attempt 1.2

There are many ways to propose to your husband to marry again. Telling him their marriage is invalid because they didn’t do rituals and hence might end up being inappropriate to the society - talk about a turn off. 

This also happens after they’ve shared a bed, shy moments, and consummation attempt 1.1 (ugh, the hut). Also I think Arnav is experienced, at least more knowledgable than Khushi when it comes to sex so I think he would get consent? 

There is, again, NOTHING FUNNY about teasing your spouse to have sex when they’ve NEVER had it and are VISUALLY TERRIFIED about it. 

Arnav, you know foreplay - the dancing, Diwali, nose brushing by boxes while goons run around, the passion dancing at your *weird* Honeymoon (bang worthy moments) - SO WHY FREAK HER OUT! 

It hurts because Khushi looks so damn gorgeous in those curls and red/pink ensemble. It’s also weird because just for those moments Khushi turns into a passionless, freaked out woman. 

It’s very natural. I just so wish it was mutual attraction and Khushi putting a pause to the consummation despite her body’s desire to do so because she wants to marry him and wants to have some beautiful memories associated and probably knows what’s her status in his life cause he does interchange “you’re my wife” and “you’re nothing” often. 

Also, never got the Radha Krishna reference. They’re the paramount of love. So... the topic of remarriage could’ve been stronger with Akash getting Payal a marriage gift for their six month anniversary and Khushi getting afraid of that because we all know what’s going to happen at the end of six months. 

Also this episode hurts because both Arnav and Khushi look so hot. He’s in his black best with the perfect amount of gel to let a few stray hair strands flicker and Khushi is *dreamy sigh*

Aarav - Arnav 2.0

I, for the life of me, could not understand this track at all. Khushi’s fears were made so dramatic and illogical that I honestly cringed the way she approached this. Like honestly she was panicking for nothing and ready to set her bags. (The moment where Arnav hugged her and told her not to leave was very sweet, but apart from that everything was very weird).

The revelation was like one weird sudden fact build up and I’m like... ok? And infantilizing Khushi in front of Aarav was very weird. I felt bad for Arnav over here. The way Khushi confuses him, confuses me to no end! Also what’s with the double standard of Sheetal being all modern and there’s no problem and Khushi looking very weird, dated and honestly immature as hell in front of her (I’m not going to talk about the embarrassing basketball scene, nor of Khushi being a peon).

What irked me the most was the whole family suddenly clinging to Sheetal and Aarav FOR NO REASON.

It’s like Sheetal became a part of the house FOR NO REASON. EVERYONE LOVES AARAV BECAUSE HE’S JUST LIKE ARNAV and Aarav has done nothing to be remotely attached to anyone so I’m just lost here.

Aarav is honestly very mean to Khushi and really disrespects her and I find it weird that his temper is praised - which can all evolve to problematic behaviors as an adult.

Aarav doesn’t know how to take no. Has issues in dealing with obedience, respect and is pretty disrespectful to women (except his mother) and nowhere is it even showed that things get better as he feels more acclimatized in the house but no he just has a sudden bout of ‘oh she’s my mum’. 

I find this troubling because all in all Arnav was always immensely respectful of his family and especially the women in his family and we can say that true Aarav is also scarred on learning his ‘mother’ utilized him against a man he considers his father - who is not his dad... but, to stop rambling, Aarav had a lot of potential of growth too. 

To think about it, Lavanya’s rudeness with the househelp (even after she was drenched in water) was immediately taken as that she’s a terrible human being and Aarav’s temper is taken as a great attitude. 

Anyways, according to my head cannon I think Aarav grows up to be a sweet, fun boy who is highly intelligent, slightly naughty, introvert but internally loves his family to bits and pieces - like young Arnav. 

The Mrs. India ‘Contest’

What happened here? What’s with all the ‘models’ and ‘trainers’ and Khushi’s self confidence? The way she keeps on repeating “I am no way close to the other women,” wait... when did she lose her self confidence or esteem?

*sigh*

Also Khushi was very blind over here, so much so that it felt like Khushi never worked in his company and never had a taste of working in a fashion house. Phati-Sari wrote an amazing alternative to this - you should check her Tumblr!

Notable qualifier: 

Mr. I Will Bulldoze Your House Singh Raizada

Why did he think that threatening her paralyzed father, aged aunt and mother to face the fact that she was forced to elope to a six month marriage and basically now getting divorced which can cause her only family to suffer a heart attack romantic? I don’t know how she goes back home and is ok with it. The power play over here is kind of dirty and sad. ‘Cause the 24 hour track was fantastic, a pity to end it in this humiliating conversation - I wish another important one took place as well where they could sort out their things. It’s not romantic to coerce a woman to go home you know... *sigh*

P.S: I have the most love for this show and writers and creators! If you have some thoughts feel free to share. <3. 

[gothsic]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme.

fill out & repost ♥ This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm.

My muse is:   canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless /

Is your character popular in the fandom?  YES / NO. in his own head maybe

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK. lol what fandom does jo have a fandom here???

Is your character considered strong in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK. ???

Are they underrated?  YES / NO. / IDK. jo thinks he’s underrated does that count??

Were they relevant for the main story?  YES / NO.

Were they relevant for the main character?  YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG.

Are they widely known in their world?  YES / NO.

How’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL.

How strictly do you follow canon?  — Jo is the master of his own story so yeah. I’m following my own canon and whatever I come up with to a T ( unless some good suggestions in writer’s workshops or even here come up! ). He is the main character of my limited series pilot that I hope to write soon called The Insomnia Trap.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals.  —  Jonathan has many sides to him. The child of mixed Latinx parents and the youngest of three kids, he has had a relatively normal life ( save for early childhood, when he killed his mother by “accident” - should’ve mentioned that! ) and his very long goth phase in middle/high school, but always deemed himself to be on the outskirts of society. Because he was aware from a young age that he was simultaneously unwanted and unplanned, Jonathan came out of his upbringing with the idea that he never should have existed. This planted in him a very nihilistic, misandrist, and generally flippant view of the world despite pursuing his dream to work in comics and cartoons. Though he was hungry for recognition and dreamed of a world not on Earth, he often found himself to be a ghost wandering the streets of town, looking in on the people having fun in their homes without understanding why they were happy. His insomnia developed when he in his teens, though he still had trouble sleeping as a child after seeing his mother’s mangled corpse at the bottom of the stairs - his doing, of course. Whether he lives with the guilt or not is up to you to decide; it’s my personal feeling that there is a part of him, the human part of him, that feels horrible about what he did. He feels monstrous for it, in fact. This is part of the reason why, if he gets extremely close to someone, he warns them that he’s not a good person; the shred of good left in him. But he also feels his “metamorphosis” into the nihilist that he is today was inevitable, given that he was never supposed to exist in the first place. It should be mentioned, of course, that this nasty cocktail of things has not only stressed his insomnia, but he eventually was pushed into going to a sleep clinic to get to the bottom of his problems once and for all. He only encountered an extremely traumatic lucid dream that forced him to confront his past head-on. He was unable to save his rotting humanity ( D., a small girl that looked like his character Deirdre ), and was eaten alive by The Other, a creature that looked like a younger version of himself and eventually absorbed him into itself. He awoke, now in what can only be described as a constant lucid dream in waking life. He encounters monsters and hallucinations from his dreamspace frequently, and will sometimes see D.’s forest crop up in his backyard. To this day, he still believes D. is alive and well - and, of course, that the object of his obsession, the one person who ever understood him in his point of view, Annie Kaye, is going to one day return to him as he’s always dreamed. Sadly, she could want nothing less to do with his sorry ass.

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?).  —   Around the time that The Insomnia Trap was simply going to be a screenplay, I workshopped it every few weeks in my senior Screenwriting class in undergraduate school. The overwhelming response I got was that Jonathan was abhorrent, creepy, and the question a lot of people had was why we were following him versus Adri, his ex girlfriend who was documenting his struggles with insomnia. My only answer to this is that is the point - you aren’t supposed to necessarily like him, I instead invite you to understand why he does the things he does. I’m asking you to do something you don’t like, something that makes you uncomfortable, maybe. I don’t believe entertainment in any capacity should be forced to be all about how “great” a person someone is. He’s a horrible person you can observe at a safe distance, and pick apart - a real puzzle who has his nasty qualities and his strangely good qualities mixed into one. I’m not asking you to forgive him, either. I’m asking you to see him for what he is and judge him for yourself. Jonathan is a gigantic mess of things - he’s deeply traumatized, but has chosen to live a life where he’s given in to his narcissism and self-importance, and he’s deeply hurt many people in his life - the most obvious being Annie, whom he feels he “deserves” after suffering so much in his life ( sure... ). He is in many ways a deeply unlikable character, and I wrote him keeping this in mind. That said, he has his better qualities, though they’re few and far between, that I think can keep him human in the eyes of the audience ( his love of animals, guilt towards his mother’s death, his intense self hatred, his genuine love for his nieces and nephews and for children in general, etc. ). Since he’s the protagonist of The Insomnia Trap, I can only hope that he is a complex and interesting enough character to follow for audiences if/when the limited series gets picked up!

What inspired you to rp your muse?  — Jonathan is based off of a very long personal experience I had, and I’ve always been fascinated by intense psychological horror. The two things came together, at first, when I was 12 and simply evolved from there. Originally, the project was going to be an animated flash movie that was divided into parts - but that of course never happened, I was too young and too impatient to ever do that. Over time, I ended up focusing Jonathan’s character, and he first appeared in high school - sophomore year, actually, in a different context. He’s been in development for a very long time, in other words, and I grew fascinated with a variety of different concepts over the years that got incorporated into his story ( doppelgangers, lucid dreaming, revenge, obsession, tragic protagonists, etc. )! He is one of the most intimate characters I’ve ever created, and I love him to death.

What keeps your inspiration going?  —  Music is a big one, there are specific songs I want to get the rights to use in the project if it ever gets made, and that really helps keep me focused on this blog and develop Jonathan further. Also, threading with my fellow muns and seeing how Jo evolves over time. What’s he capable of? Can he change? Is he capable of change, or is he afraid of it? These are questions that are asked with each character he interacts with, and I sincerely live for it. Also, drawing helps me out a lot too - maybe you’ll see The Insomnia Trap in webcomic form soon... just a thought!

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice?  YES / NO / no idea honestly lmao

Do you frequently write headcanons?  YES / NO / depends!

Do you sometimes write drabbles?  YES - I also draw them! / NO, I HATE DRABBLES.

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES! / NO.

Are you confident in your portrayal?   YES / NO / sorta

Are you confident in your writing?  YES / HAHA NO.

Are you a sensitive person?  YES / NO. / though i can handle critique, film school definitely hardens you to that!

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal?  —  I do. I’ve been explicitly told Jonathan is disgusting and totally unlikable by people to my face, and I have made leaps and strides to prevent my portrayal from going completely in the “this person is deplorable” category that was tempting to head towards. It’s easy to explore someone’s bad side rather than explore their good side, which I can forget about with him. That said, critique really does help me develop my writing further, and I desperately need it even if it can be hard to hear sometimes!

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character?  —  I love questions. If people ask me questions, I do my best to answer no matter what they may be. They can be challenging sometimes, but that’s what makes it so fun!

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why?  —  Sure, I’m happy to hear what people have to say. I may not agree with it, but hearing different perspectives is so important in my point of view.

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it?  —  As well as I could. It can be frustrating, but everyone’s tastes are different, so I don’t really take it personally and move on. I’m really here to do what I want to do in the end, as the rest of us are, so I try to prioritize that over any negative feelings I might have.

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it?  —  Again, I just let it be. I’m used to people not really understanding Jonathan or not caring for him while understanding him, and that’s fine! Everyone has their preferences for what they like in leading characters or just characters in general. He is a triggering character with very triggering themes, and I’m writing him from a very prolonged experience I had ( and it’s very cathartic ) so I can understand why people may not want to engage with him or with me. I’m perfectly fine with it and invite people to put themselves first, and I move on like I mentioned in the above question.

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors?  —  Yes! Please go for it. I literally do not proof my replies before I post them half the time so feel free to let me know if I misuse words or put commas/colons/semicolons or whatever out of place.

Do you think you are easy going as a mun?   — I think so! I try to be open and inviting to everyone I speak to here, and always encourage people to come talk to me if they’d like to. No pressure though! Roleplay is for fun, and it shouldn’t be anxiety inducing or any kind of work - do things at your own pace here, that’s what I say ( though I’m trying to follow my own advice! ).

That’s about it, congrats for filling out!

Tagged by:  @forseenclade !!. thank you flower... luv Tagging: whomstever wants to !! feel free to tag me so i can see !!

[theperfectstormrp]

“It is the quality of one’s convictions that determines success, not the number of followers.”

Remus Lupin

Age: Nineteen

Affiliation: Order Member

Blood Status: Halfblood

Career: Unemployed

RUMOR HAS IT… This quiet soul is hiding a huge secret. Could even say the secret is as big as the moon. Remus has always been one of the more reserved members of the marauders, but he never is too shy to tell his friends when they are doing something stupid. Definitely the only one with any real brains within the group of boys, this little moon child is sure to keep his distance from people and keep his secret close to his heart. Can he really trust that his secret will never see the light? 

A BRISK SPRING EVENING: born to hope and lyall lupin on march 10th, 1960, remus john lupin was a happy and problem-less child; he hardly cried, never posed his parents any problems and often slept soundly. the family were happy. the lupin household peaceful. for the first four years. barely four years old, remus lupin slept peacefully in his bed, as he often did. the breakage of a window, their childs’ pained cries. the lupins’ awoke, and lyall ran to check on their son. that night, werewolf fenrir greyback broke into the lupin home and attacked their boy, inflicting him with the lycanthropy that he himself had. the werewolf curse. a payback against lyall , for labeling greyback a monster, worthy of only death. now his son was the very monster lyall so hated. a perfect revenge. the family visited healer upon healer, desperate for a cure, for their son back to normal. but coming up empty at every turn.

THE NEXT FULL MOON: still merely a child, four years of age, abandoned alone in the cellar, chained to the wall. confused and afraid. bad emotions for a werewolf to feel before a shift. you see, the wolf harnesses whatever emotions it’s host is feeling, and acts in accordance. negative emotions equate to a bad shift, leaving child remus lupin screaming in agony as bones break and rejoin and the wolf takes over. his parents away from the scene, hope lupin crying, her heartbreak over her broken son evident, wanting nothing more than to help him, but being unable. when he came to in the morning, remus sported fresh scars, cuts and bruises that he knew, even then, would never fade. a constant reminder. his parents had explained it all, the night of the attack, but the boy now understood the severity of his situation. he’d have no friends, no relationships. they were too much of a risk. he wouldn’t go outside of his home to play with the other children, he’d stay inside, read his books and have his schooling from home.

HOGWARTS: remus had thought that he’d have to pass on his hogwarts invitation, posing far too much of a threat to the other poor witches and wizards in attendance and far too afraid to ever hurt anyone. but headmaster dumbledore had reassured him and his parents that precautions were already in place. select teachers were aware of his condition and on the full moon he would be taken to a shack just outside of the hogwarts grounds, with special precautions in place to prevent trespassers an enclosed area with no way out, perfect for keeping the wolf in and away from everyone. his parents had allowed it, after some convincing of his dad on his mothers’ part, and the september following his eleventh birthday saw remus heading off to his first year at hogwarts. sitting in a far off compartment, book in hand and eyes glued to the pages, alone until he was not. accompanied by another boy, shy seeming, but friendly. peter pettigrew. both remus and his new found friend were sorted into gryffindor house, where they caught the attention of two seemingly loud and rambunctious first years. remus easily befriended them, and two quickly became four. remus told his three friends that his mum was deathly ill, explaining his monthly disappearances as visits to his home to see her. but by his second year at hogwarts, they had figured out the truth. afraid and panicked, remus was assured by all three boys that it wouldn’t affect their friendship. he feels indebted to them for not abandoning him, his fear of being abandoned less of one now that he still had them. FIFTH YEAR, james potter, sirius black and peter pettigrew dragged him into the forest, proudly showing off their new animal forms. disbelief struck. they had illegally become animagi in order to help him through his monthly ordeals. james, a stag. sirius, a black dog, and peter a rat. the four quickly adapted their new nicknames, labeling themselves the marauders, and the full moon became less of a chore and more something to look forward to. the pain still unbearable, but easier to deal with thanks to his friends’ company.

THE PRANK: the morning after the full moon was always one filled with pain and remus would often find himself overwhelmed with a wave of exhaustion and aches in his bones. but this time there had been something else, a thought stuck at the forefront of his mind: did i hurt someone ? it felt different, for the first time since he’d began being accompanied by the marauders, he was worried that something had gone wrong. it was a gut feeling, one he couldn’t shake. it had been professor dumbeldore that had informed him of what had happened: severus snape had happened upon the shrieking shack, witnessing the end of remus’ shift into the wolf. his heart dropped into his stomach, but before he could assume the worst, he was assured that snape was fine, sworn to secrecy and wouldn’t be telling anybody, and that he had been saved from any attack by james. though it was the news that followed that shocked him most. that it had been sirius, one of his best friends, that had taken it upon himself to tell snape how he could get into the shack. he felt utterly betrayed. he had never wanted his friends to know the truth about him, he’d tried desperately to keep that part of himself hidden. the part he so despised. yet they had found out, and he had been relieved; relieved to not have to lie to them, to not have to hide anymore. he had been foolish to trust that they would keep it hidden, that they truly thought nothing of it. and yet he had been made to be seen as a monster, like he already feared it was. one of the people he was closest to had treated him like a means for a petty revenge scheme, used him like a wand, all to get to snape for whatever reason. it hurt to think about. he was unconditionally loyal to his friends, grateful to them for not abandoning him and not treating him like the monster he believed himself to be. remus lupin has always had an immense respect towards his friends, even putting up with their incessant bullying when he didn’t agree with it, for them. perhaps that had been a mistake. he finds himself wondering now if they ever truly felt the same for him as he does for them. he’s unsure of what to do now, feeling the heavy tension between the group and knowing he’s part of the reason behind it. but betrayal is a hard thing to forgive and forget.

THE ATTACKER: the ministry fallen, voldemort in control. it’s the worst thing imaginable for anybody with a heart, and given the already terrible attitude against werewolves like himself, remus was terrified. the only werewolves truly safe were the ones on voldemorts’ side; he’d kill any others, his blood purist, racist ideals extending to half-breeds. the only one truly safe, that remus could recall, was one fenrir greyback. the very monster that had turned him into one to, for his petty revenge. there is nobody in the world that remus holds hatred for as much as greyback, tied alongside he who must not be named himself. remus had been an innocent boy when the curse had been inflicted upon him. he had done nothing wrong and wasn’t deserving of such a horrible life-altering change. he had despised his dad for the first few years, blaming lyall for his attack. if he hadn’t lashed out against werewolves fenrir greyback would have felt no need to infect his son, and yet he had. FEAR wasn’t an emotion he felt often in relation to another person, but if there were one person remus was truly afraid of, it would be greyback. and with him in line with the dark lord, who had just taken down the ministry, trouble was most definitely heading his way.

JAMES POTTER, SIRIUS BLACK, PETER PETTIGREW – His three best friends, his most trusted advisors, there’s nothing that Remus wouldn’t do for his friends. However, their dynamic has been especially estranged since the ‘incident’ at the Whomping Willow. Sirius could have made him a killer in his heated need for getting one-up on Severus, he can’t help but think in the back of his mind that none of the boys respect him as much as he does them.

FENRIR GREYBACK – The man who made him the monster that he is, there’s a loathing for Fenrir that’s unparalleled, the strongest emotion he’s ever felt. If he’d come face to face with the man on the battlefield there’s no telling just how far Remus would go.

SEVERUS SNAPE – There’s no way that Severus could have known it was him in the werewolf body and yet there’s a voice in the back of his mind telling him otherwise. If the man does know his secret he’s yet to spill it but paranoia keeps him on his toes, waiting for something that he hopes never comes.

FURTHER CONNECTIONS - BIOS REMUS LUPIN IS MENTIONED ON.

Remus Lupin is currently a TAKEN character with a FC of Tom Holland. FC SUGGESTIONS: daniel sharman, tom holland, chance perdomo.

[commaless-a]

*. meta - relationship with death

from my archmage’s bane meta:

then she fucking dies – and oh god, that’s a whole can of worms to unpack – she’s dead, when she revives she isn’t in her halfling body – and her relationship with death is VERY complicated: she thinks she’s expendable, especially because she’s in a body she HATES – she’ll fling herself in front of all of her friends, but at the same time she doesn’t WANT to die for the sake of her family – i wouldn’t be surprised if she’s desensitized to it, and that’d explain a lot about her taking the blow for jester, running on lava, and what she said before the dreadnought. “i’ve already died once – if i die again, at least it’d be with friends” – it’s a weird balance between “i’m invincible” and “i’m expendable”.

so, hey, it is i, your little goblin girl’s biggest fan - and i want to ramble about nott’s relationship with death for a hot second... so let’s get RIGHT into this!

tldr: why she doesn’t really care about dying: 1. nott has bad self-esteem and prioritizes her friends 2. she wants to be important to the nein  3. she feels her body is expendable 4. she feels invincible 5. she’s desensitized to the notion of dying.

what does she feel about death?: 1. initially, she’s ABSOLUTELY terrified. 2. eventually - she’s sort of... indifferent to it?

as we all know, nott suffers from an extremely low self-esteem - she doesn’t like herself, not in the slightest - though the reasons why have changed, over time. when it’s started: she’s hating herself for being a goblin, for having died in the first place, for not being pretty, or smart, or brave, or anything - just nott - someone who, in her eyes, is an untalented, waste of space who won’t amount to anything. and she takes this to an extreme level - she sacrifices herself for her friends no matter how badly she’s hurt or how bad the situation’s in, and it’s exacerbated with how often she’s called to check for traps and pick locks. even if she’s good at that - she’s terrified of the consequences that may happen when she fails - and as an alchemist, she’s used to thinking up terrible, worst-case scenarios. she throws herself in front of her friends and puts herself in stressful and deadly situations, all for them - because she believes she’s not worth much - that her friends are so much better than her - and she puts herself on the lowest rung of the hierachy. this ties into her passionate loyalty for her friends - she’ll stick up for them, defend them and be on their side, no matter what - but at the same time, she will fling herself into danger when they are in the way of actual physical harm - or will be in the way of.

now, she hates herself - not for being a goblin, though of course that’s still part of the reason why - but it’s now because of much more heavy reasons: for being selfish, being conflicted - and having been normal, before - she now knows very well she’s more than just nott - she’s brave and good with a bow and good at picking locks - but there’s a seed already planted in her head that she was once just veth - that once she was a normal, humdrum halfling in a family she loved and a culture she couldn’t get invested in - and it haunts her very much - that once this is over, once they defeat tharizdun and the chained oblivion and the bad people who hurt caleb and change herself back and fix everything - that she’ll be ‘just veth’ again, that she’ll be all alone again, with nothing she loves and nothing she cared about. she wants to be useful. she wants to be something special to the nein - wants to help her friends achieve their goals and accomplish whatever they want to do - and this definitely ties in a lot to her hierarchy way of thinking.

so, what have we learnt, with the relation of her self-esteem to death?

1. she doesn’t like herself; she believes her friends are more important than her, and acts accordingly 2. she wants to be special and important to the nein - and what better way than to do what she does best, putting herself into danger to protect them?

wait, though - there is so much more! like i said before - nott is in a goblin body - a race that she hates ( for a very good reason, of course ) - and i would be lying if i said that did not feed into her low self esteem. after all, this is coming from “they made me everything i thought i was - not pretty, not smart [...] just nott.” - and, again - with such hatred for her physical appearance, such hatred for her current identity - she believes that her feelings about getting into danger are perfectly justified: she’s not in the right body, so she doesn’t have to take care of it - she can do whatever she wants with it, her body’s expendable - and therefore it doesn’t matter what she does. this is a very unhealthy train of thought - this definitely lends into why she takes to drinking so easily as a coping mechanism - and that way of thinking definitely influences how daredevilish she is. it’s not a matter of being brave - sometimes, it’s just a matter of being reckless. of course, take note that i say her body - because she of course, doesn’t WANT to die - especially when in relation to her family, in the beginning.

with the matter of this current life being so much more exciting/dangerous that her odl life - she’s swinging into two extremes: fear and desensitization - of course, she’s fucking terrified - she’s the d&d equivalent of a rural village mother who’s been traumatized and tossed into a world where she suddenly finds herself with the need to fight to survive - but fear isn’t good - we know her relationship with fear: she doesn’t think it’s useful for her to do what she has to do with relation to her friends - that it stops her from doing things that need to be done: from fighting monsters, picking locks, checking for traps, infiltrating places they shouldn’t be in, etc, etc - so, instead, she swings onto the COMPLETE other side of that spectrum - she completely numbs herself to it. death scares her - adventuring scares her - but because of the, ironically, fear of fear, she pushes it down and makes herself numb to it - and coupled with her very, very normal morals - she often is up for violence - is vicious and ferocious and cruel when she fights. she’s hardly affected by other monsters dying - by humans dying - because they’re bad, and that’s just how adventuring is - sometimes you kill people that get in the way - and by extension, when it comes to her death - when it comes to others dying -

it’s upsetting to say that she’s grown numb to it, too - and it definitely doesn’t help, with the fact that the group has revivify and the very trivial way they treat death ( it’s okay, we’ll revive him later, it’s okay, i have a diamond ) - death feels impermanent to her. this can feed into the other reason - she feels invincible, and is very desensitized to death, at least, at current time. throughout the early parts of the campaign - nott is very quick to FREAK and run to stabilize/heal whoever who’s unconscious - and molly’s death carried such a heavy impact on her - but now, with the clerics having revivify, with the people being stronger - the only time she’s really freaked out is when caduceus dies - and the main reason for that was because she was the one who caused his death - not the monsters - but the fact that she had killed an ally - a friend.

and of course, she never gets to talk about that, because they sort of lost track of that - and so she buries all of that down and jokes about it - further solidifying that desensitized way of looking at death.

how does she feel about death, though?

death, to her - feels like everything and nothing at once. the impact of the hurt - the pain, the burning - it sends her into a flashback of the senses of her FIRST death of drowning ( which is of course the main reason why i’ve been comparing death to drowning a lot in a meta sense ) - but death is... nothing, like - literally nothing. no thought, no feeling - nothing.

and it’s weird.

of course, at first - she is absolutely fearful of death - which is fine, as she should - she’s a normal person who’s been tossed into the adventurer life. its terrifying - and how could it not? the sheer notion that something is so powerful that it can rip your life out from under you, that it could take away all of your life from you and throw it away, turn your life upside down - it’s happened once to her, and really, she doesn’t know what would happen if it happens again. downright fearful - especially with water: have you seen her scared of rain and water - when caleb goes into the bath and she’s so timid and sad when she says “i just got used to you and now you’re going to change, too”?  it hurts to die - and when the prospect of others dying - of her dying, is brought up, she is fucking TERRIFIED.

being terrified of change and desiring control over her life - over her own narrative - is very, very integral to her character. but what about now? with the experiences she has - with the things she’s seen... how is she with death, now? 

she’s gotten used to it - mainly because of how it’s treated around her - people revive dead people when they fall down - the sheer amount of times people have fallen but are perfectly fine in the end, she’s gotten used to it, unfortunately - with how often she’s encountered death in this career, compounded with the fact she’s died before - she’s beginning to think that death is... sort of - not a big deal, anymore.

death’s something tragically comfortable to her, now. at least death is constant - death doesn’t change, unlike how turbulent her life is. it’s uncomfortable, painful, stuffy, and she hates dying, still - but it’s in a weird way, dependable. she dies again - and though she dies in shock and in trepidation - she, eventually, embraces it - and it came to the point that she almost didn’t come back to life - that she was accepting it, that she refused to come back.

...but, of course - the two times she’s died, she was forcibly returned to life - which sort of just, adds a whole new layer onto ‘dependable’. how would she feel when she isn’t returned to life? probably panicked. i feel everything would come rushing back - like “oh. oh. i’m. i’m actually dead. oh no. oh no oh no oh no -”

so! there we have it!

[the-ravens-wings]

i love you too

(this is something very self indulgent and written on a whim. jeanne is def ooc but W/E. it’s not like nasu will ever give us any character development.)

I was blackout tired. It had been one long, seemingly never ending day in the jungles around Eridu. I was aching all over, and my ears were still ringing from Merlin’s constant babble all day long. Who knew one wizard could be so irritating? Jeanne and I were sent to Babylonia alongside Ritsuka and Mashu considering the levity and importance of the mission. Our goals were nearly separate, and we almost never worked together, but Roman felt it would be appropriate for at least one singularity, especially the most important one.

Jeanne mostly kept her distance from the other servants around. There was too much baggage after Orleans, especially considering her welcome was less than thrilling. She wasn’t the Jeanne everyone knew and trusted, and that showed. Most servants preferred to ignore her existence, leaving her to fend for herself in most battles, but others would go so far as to purposely injure her when fighting alongside her. She wasn’t needed in this war, they would tell her. It always broke my heart to hear that. Therefore, I knew a deep seed of discord lied between her and the other servants, and that she would prefer to keep her distance to allow this mission to run as smoothly as possible. As her master, I was obliged to stay by her side. Not that I minded, of course. Her side is where I preferred to be. She was my only friend, especially after being thrust into this master’s role, and we spent a majority of our time together. One could say the fondness we had for each other was deeper than most.

I could usually tell when something was bothering her, but she seemed distant recently. She was quiet whenever we walked, and would respond to commands with a less than enthusiastic response. We usually blended so well together in battle, forming one tight unit. I wouldn’t be lying if I said I was scared she was slipping away from me. The “avenger” class is so fickle, and so lost in it’s own hatred that she could have easily killed me whenever she wanted. It was an extremely dangerous, yet essential love we had for each other.

Despite the exhaustion begging me to collapse onto the grass, I went to find my servant, no, my lover. I wasn’t quite sure where she was hiding, but she disappeared after we ate dinner. I assumed it was because the others began to socialize and that was too much for her. None of them would so much look in her direction when conversation began, and the servants we had with us would go out of their way to avoid engaging her in conversation. The more Merlin and Ana talked, the more visibly uncomfortable Jeanne became. She eventually got up and left quietly, without so much as a word to me. Pride, I assumed, would not let her show the hurt she had. I should have followed her sooner, but I could barely move from the spot I was sitting in.

Fortunately, she wasn’t too far away. I found her cooped up, alone, by a large tree. She appeared to be curled up into a ball, at least from what I could see. That worried me immediately.

“Jeanne?” I whispered into the dark, even though I was sure she could have already sensed me coming. She turned her head at the sound, but didn’t make a noise in response. All I could hear was the sound of the animals restless at night. “Um… I’m really sorry about all of that... I should have gotten up sooner…” My voice trailed off. I was terribly unsure of myself still, and it felt like everything I said and did for her was a mistake. She was so complex and beautiful, delicate and fragile all at once. “You’re babbling again, Master… Didn’t I tell you you talk more than you think?” I swore I saw a small smile grace her features. “I’m sorry… It’s been such a long day.” I flopped down beside her. I was unable to stand up any longer. “I know, Master. I’m surprised you made it all the way over here to me without collapsing.” “Give me some credit, I’m not TOTALLY weak. Just… mostly.” I laughed, but she didn’t respond. Was there something rigid in her voice or was I imagining things? She didn’t seem to move from her tightly held position either. She seemed to be staring into space… “Anyway, Jeanne. I was worried about you…” I began, but she tensed up when I said it. “Why?” It was such a quick response I was shocked by how curt it was. What do you mean “why?” I love you! Of course I was worried! “B-Because… you know… we work together and…” I was shaken, and tried to get my thoughts together, but they just stumbled out of my mouth. “I��m fine! Absolutely, totally fine! Nothing to worry about!” She turned her head sharply away from me. I had seen this response in her before, especially when we first started working together. Before we would fall asleep for the night, she would pull the covers tightly over her head and insist nothing was bothering her, that she wasn’t afraid to sleep, and that I should just stay where I was. Whenever she dreamt though, I did too, and I knew the truth. Her tough facade had so many cracks, but I also knew she kept it up to try and keep me “safe” from whatever she was hiding. “Jeanne… I know that isn’t true…” The tone of my voice dropped to more of a gentle whisper. The urge to pull her into my arms and never let go was overwhelming. I’ve never wanted to protect someone more in my life than I did in this instant. She sighed hard, but her arms relaxed just a little bit. I would have to slowly chink away at whatever was bothering her. “I’m just tired, that’s all.” She tried to control the wavering in her voice, and failed miserably at it. That was more than enough reason for me to move my unwilling body closer to hers. “You know you don’t have to lie to me… not ever.” I whispered again, gently brushing some dirt away from her armor. “You’ve been through enough, Master. You don’t need me burdening you more. I am your servant, and I take care of myself to make sure you don’t have to worry.” She wouldn’t look at me, so I turned her face towards me as much as she would allow. Her eyes were still focused on the floor, but they were more in my direction now. “Are you worried you’re going to bother me…?” She seemed so shocked by my response, and looked at me like I was some sort of imbecile. “Of course I’m WORRIED! What sort of servant would I be if I j-j-j-j-j-just projected all my problems onto you! If I just decided you were the one who needed to take care of me and all of my suffering and hurt! This war would never end!” She was focused intensely on me now, and I knew she was staring at the deep bags under my eyes. Those flames in her eyes were burning bright, but bright for a different reason than normal. “You don’t have to push me away… your problems ARE my problems, just as my problems are yours. That’s what it means to be master and servant… and more importantly, to be lovers, right?” Words weren’t going to fix everything, I knew that, but what else could I say? “What do you know?! How can you EVER understand what it’s like to protect the one person in your life that matters?! Especially when we’re surrounded with danger and are facing the end of the world?! Why does the world have to end right when I’M happy?!” I couldn’t quite make out the expression she was making, but her eyes clouded up with more hatred than I had ever seen her have before. The harsh coldness of her eyes could have frozen any hot, summer day over. But even I knew hurt was hiding just beneath the surface.I was taken back by her response, but she was right. I didn’t know what sort of stressors she was under, what sorts of burdens she was carrying, or why she was hiding it from me, but I understood that it was for me, and that it was my duty to make sure she didn’t burn out fantastically like a moth in a flame.

“You’re right… I don’t understand. I’m sorry.” She turned back to me harshly, and I was intensely worried I said the wrong thing. I felt like I was walking on eggshells, but what is a half baked, self righteous lecture going to do when someone is truly hurting? Easier said than done!

“Don’t... “ She seemed breathless, her face twisting into some cruel agony she didn’t want to face. “Don’t apologize to me! What do you have to apologize for?!” I saw her fists rapidly curling and uncurling into unnaturally tight balls, so I knew she was holding back. I knew so much of her wanted to kill me, right in that instant.

“I’m apologizing… for ignoring your needs considering how much you take care of mine.”

“My needs are irrelevant!”

“No they’re not!” I finally snapped back. “They’re not, Jeanne! You’re a person with feelings outside of whatever your stupid class affinity tells you and they have to be tended to too! You’re not just full of hate, Jeanne! I know you’re full of hurt and sadness and I want to help heal that!” I took a deep breath. Hot tears were stinging at the corners of my eyes, a bitter reminder of the frustrations this relationship was going to put me through, but I wasn’t deterred. She was worth every tear I could shed, every heartbreak I could bear, and so much more. “I want to help you… but only if you let me…”

“Master… I can-!” She held her hands close to her own body, squeezing them tightly. The pain in her eyes shone brighter than the flames that ignited her passions, and for a brief moment, I knew I was looking directly at the real Jeanne. MY Jeanne.  I took her fidgeting hands away from her, and gently placed them around my throat.

“Would killing me here help…?” I asked earnestly. Even if it meant the end of us both, I was willing to give her just a brief moment of relief. Guess I was that stupid in love. I watched her focus on her hands around my throat, frustration and anger pooling up like hot puddle of mercury in her eyes.. She pulled them away, with a harsh yank, after what felt like an eternity.

“No… my hands were meant to destroy, Master… but you’re the one thing I can’t destroy!” There was a mixture of hurt and anger in her voice, as if destroying me in this moment would bring her a permanent solution to something she viewed as a temporary problem. She fought her own nature to brings those words to her lips.

“Jeanne…” I took her hands once again, but softer this time, into my own. She was shaking like a leaf, and I knew that facade of hers was crumbling and she hated it more than anything. I steadied her hands as best as I could, and pressed them gently to my cheeks.

“You’re safe with me, you have nothing to be afraid of anymore…” I whispered. A soft smile graced my lips, and while the tears still fell, they weren’t hot. A few stray tears fell gently onto her gauntlets and sparkled off them. We made this promise to each other so long ago, and it was still our mantra. Something that kept us both going, even when it looked like nothing would come to fruition.

“And you’re safe with me, Master…” She finally looked up at me, and I could see how weary her face was in the moonlight. She was fighting so hard for my sake, and I had been so ignorant of it. It was only right to repay her.

“You’re fighting so well, and so hard… no one deserves a break more than you.” I caressed each of her fingers, despite the roadblocks her gauntlets imposed.

“I… deserve a break…” She admitted, her eyes dropping to the ground, as if ashamed for running herself ragged.

“You deserve a break…” I said softly, and started to unlace the string holding her gauntlets tight to her hands. She stopped me quicky, holding my hand in place.

“Master… no… You don’t want to see those… please…” She had a pathetic, pleading look in her eyes. I had never seen this before.

“Jeanne… no matter what your hands look like, I know they’re beautiful…” I kept my eyes focused on hers, trying to be as brave and unwavering as I could be, as she returned my gaze. I gently pulled her other hand off of mine, and slid the loose gauntlet off her fingers one at a time. She looked scared, terrified this gauntlet held a world ending secret within it, and I wasn’t sure why.

“Master… please… no more…” I couldn’t bare to look Master in the eyes, let alone at those ugly things I call hands. I had memorized every scar, every scaly, uneven patch of skin, every intricate line left by those damned, cursed ropes on my wrists. Those hands… they should never hold hers the way she holds mine. They aren’t worthy of that.

“They’re beautiful… so unique and slender. I’ve never seen hands more gorgeous than yours.” I watched as Master eyed my hands like a fine piece of art hanging in a museum. So much of me didn’t want to believe she was sincere, but my heart, my STUPID heart, knew she was. I wished, even if just for a second, that that small part of me could ooze through and show Master the kindness she deserved. Why did I have to be so damn… hateful?

“...thank you, Master…” It was all I could manage to mumble, especially as she pressed her soft lips to each of my ugly, ragged digits. I don’t deserve this, I don’t deserve this, I don’t deserve this! That’s all I could think in that moment. But Master, in her seemingly ever wise ways, cupped my exposed hand in hers.

“I love you, Jeanne.” She smiled, with her tired eyes and sleep deprived face. God damnit…

“Master, I…” All I could do was throw myself on her, and hold her tightly. I gripped her clothes so hard I heard them rip in the back, but it was all I could do to make sure this wasn’t a dream. I didn’t want this moment to end, and I was afraid that the moment I would let go, Master would drift away and I would wake up again, in my bedroom on the battlefront, waiting to be burned at the stake.

“It’s alright, Jeanne… everything is going to be OK.” She held me so gently, but her hands, her body up against mine, was so warm. For once, I was happy feeling like I was on fire. Perhaps hell wouldn’t be so bad if I could hold this warmth in my heart when I get there.

Every gentle touch, every soft breath on my neck, soothed my aching body back down to reality. I wasn’t drifting alone in the abyss anymore, I had someone to keep me anchored to this stupid world destined for destruction.

“Master, I wi-” But my words were silenced with a gentle kiss. A kiss, a gesture of affection I never thought I would know or understand. It’s the only thing in the world that ever made me melt.

“Yes, Jeanne…?” She looked at me with such tender and loving eyes.

“Master, I… I love you too.”

[mao-s-mess]

Graduation ~Yoosung x MC fanfiction~

Yoosung Kim is only a month away to taking his finals exam in SKY University but MC starts acting suspicious during such a critical moment

Also on Fanfiction.net

Graduation Yoosung x MC fanfiction Disclaimer: All Mystic Messenger characters belong to Cheritz I didn't describe MC in detail so it could be any of the 5 MCs or your very custom ones! "MC! Come on!" a boy in his early 20s with bleached blonde hair and purple-coloured hair whined with a face of disappointment.

"No 'buts'. Your parents and sister also agree this is for the best. It is after all your finals." his girlfriend, MC; said sternly as she toss a bunch of the blonde's clothes into a luggage bag that was laid out on his bed.

Yoosung Kim crossed him arms and frowned at his girlfriend as she busily goes through his wardrobe.

In about a month's time, he will be seating for his final year examination in Veterinary medicine and what has been suggested and pretty much decided for him is that he and MC will be switching houses for the next month.

"Look, when you get pressured or stressed you tend to distract or 'de-stress' yourself with sleep or LOLOL or you start stress cooking. You're too comfortable in your own home so staying at mine where there's nothing much to do will be the best for you"

She was reaching for the last drawer when he frantically ran over and held it shut with his hands.

"I'll pack my underwear myself thank you!" he insisted as his ears and cheeks turned red.

MC raised her hands and backed away from his cabinet as he selected his underwear to pack.

"I know that's where you keep your por-"

"What?"

"I- i said don't forget to pack your SOCKS."

He nodded and threw in a few pairs of socks into the luggage looking very annoyed. His breathing was irregular; deep huffs but elongated exhales, a habit he has when he wants to say something but haven't found the words yet.

As much as MC found this habit of his adorable she had to stay serious. She knew oh so well he hated things planned out for him without his knowledge or approval but the exam stress has already gotten to him and it was only a matter of time before he has a breakdown and turns to his "can't be bothered" persona.

She walked up behind him and wrapped her arms across his torso; she felt his body tensing up as she did so. She didn't need to see his face to know he was blushing at her sudden action. She smiled as she buried her face into his back.

"MC?!" he flustered waiting for a response. When he recovered from the surprise hug, he placed his own hands over hers. He could feel her breath against his back as he looked down at her arms around him.

She wasn't that much older than him and just finished her university course shortly before she stumbled upon the RFA.

When MC came into the picture, it was probably the worst time for him; he was blinded from his grief of losing Rika, major hatred towards V, was lost with his directions in life as well as had difficulty handling his emotions but she accepted all that of him and even more; she helped him out of that phase in his life.

It has been about 2 years after the incident where he lost sight in his left eye at the hands of the hacker who called himself Unknown but the two have been inseparable since the party where he proclaimed his love and kissed her then and there.

It certainly wasn't an easy relationship being Yoosung's first and he had a rather fairytale concept and expectations of how a relationship should be. He realized the hard way that you either have to be seriously rich, like Jumin Han to pull a lot of things off or have magic and he had neither.

As for MC, it was a major test of patience and constant game of reassuring for Yoosung. She didn't have a relationship as serious as this before but both of them have managed to worked things out together even though they quarreled here and there.

"I just want what's best for you.." her voice muffled from burying her face into his back.

"Okay.." he responded in a defeated tone.

He turned around to give her a kiss on the forehead, when they first dated, he wasn't that much taller than her but he started participating in some sports and also joining Zen on some runs in the park outside Zen's place so he grew a bit, definitely more physical activity than when he was just playing LOLOL when he wasn't eating or at Uni.

"You're doing this because I'm important to you right?" he said with a small smile as he placed her palm against his cheek.

"You're number 1 to me!" she flashed the smile that he loves so very much.

"Meowww~"

Lisa, the cat they adopted together from Jumin 2 years ago nuzzled up against Yoosung's leg.

MC bend down to pick up Lisa to cradle her.

"Lisa's a close second tho, we're both rooting for you!"

Yoosung scratched Lisa behind her ear as she purred.

"Okay fine... I'll do it. I'll spend a month in your place for the finals... Thank you for thinking about me."

"Thank you! I've already asked Seven to help with your LOLOL. Either he plays your account or he'll assign a bot to it"

"A BOT?! I don't want to get banned! I'm currently number 1! I've only managed to beat Seven because he's always away on assignments now"

"Banned? Please. This is Luciel we're talking about. How bold of you to think he'll screw this up, this is a walk in the park for him."

"...Fine... i have lots of important gears there you know..."

"I know how much LOLOL is important to you. It was number 1 for you before I came along ;p " she said cheekily as she looked around for more things to pack.

"Okay okay.. can we have dinner and dates at times?"

"Yes of course! We'll play by ear as usual around your schedule"

"Okay.. how about next week, Wednesday then? I'm free the whole day"

MC froze up.

...?

"Uhm.. next Wednesday.. is no good... I have a meeting with Jaehee about uhm some part time event work thingy"

There it was. A habit Yoosung knows very well.

MC can't hide secrets or tell lies very well. On the Messenger and texts it's not so much of a problem. It's the face to face and phone calls that gives it away, she'll start to avoid eye contact and stutter.

"What are you hiding?"

"NO-NOTHING!" she waved her hands furiously as she went to grab more shirts from Yoosung's cupboard.

"I just have a meeting planned with Jaehee that is all! About some part time work thingy-YEA!"

Yoosung's brows scrunches up.

"And that's the reason you want me to bug her phone?" A boy not that much older than Yoosung with bright reddish orange hair and amber-coloured eyes asked with raised eyebrow.

Luciel Choi aka 707 was the RFA's secret agent/hacker/nonsense maker. He has a love for fast cars, cats, honey buddha chips and dr pepper. Yoosung came over (after a few attempts of trying to decipher Seven's security system) because MC hasn't revealed any plans on her day with Jaehee and that just made even more suspicious especially since her fabrication details keep changing.

First it was a meeting then it was a shopping trip and then it was a Zen fanclub related outing and then she said she was meeting family.

"She's not telling me anything. She usually does in the end"

"Maybe she's trying to keep something from you"

"We're not suppose to keep secrets! It's bugging me so yes that's why i want you to bug her phone so I can find out. What if she's not meeting Jaehee, what if- what if-"

Seven slapped a packed of Honey Buddha Chips across Yoosung's face (semi lightly) as he had chips in his own mouth, shaped like a duck.

"You realized this is MC. The woman who put up with your emotional ass even after you keep comparing her to Rika. If she didn't abandon you then, what makes you think she'll abandon you now"

Yoosung bit his lips. He knew Seven was right, words stung but he was definitely right. MC cheating on him would be the last thing she'd ever do. He felt bad doubting her for that option.

"I still want to know what she's hiding from me though"

"Ugh. You'll never leave until you get something anyway. So what's in it for me"

"That LOLOL limited edition gacha item you couldn't get because the event happened when you went incognito 2 months ago."

Seven's mouth opened and his duck chips fell out.

"WHAT... ARE YOU SERIOUS. PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY AUCTIONING THAT OFF FOR REAL MONEY"

"You can have it. I also got the rare one too"

Seven did an impression of Edvard Munch's The Scream. He was that much in shock.

"If i take it i can sell it for real money too?"

"Do whatever you want with it"

"Even to buy new accessories for my babies?"

"Wait-can it be auctioned off that much?"

"NO TAKE BACKS. Do we have a deal? Your LOLOL rare item for an all access day pass to MC's phone"

"Do it."

"YAHOO~ LET'S DO IT THEN" he swiveled around on his chair to face his monitors and starting tapping away at the keyboard.

"Tapping into her GPS location... Done.. She's at a cafe not too far off from the C&R building.. Let me just pull up one of the security camera feed and... THERE. "

Yoosung leaned over towards the monitor and sure enough there was MC.

"OHMYGOSH WHO IS THAT A HOT GUY SHE'S WITH" Seven exclaimed.

Yoosung heart leaped and started panicking as he scanned the monitor in depth.

"Oh. LOL. My bad. That's just Jaehee. 8D "

It was Yoosung's turn to slap Seven with the Honey Buddha Chips packet across the face; sure enough MC was with another RFA member, Jaehee Kang; personal assistant to Jumin Han.

He breathed a sigh of relief.

The two girls seems to be chattering away happily when MC's face turned serious as she put her cup of coffee down.

"Can we listen in on them" Yoosung asked as he tries to read their lips but failing.

"Okay okay..." Seven said as he starting clicking away at the keyboard again.

Some feedback could be heard on the speaker when MC and Jaehee's voice came on.

---

Jaehee: So what was it you wanted to talk about? And why are we keeping a secret about this from Yoosung?

MC: Well... cos it's embarrassing really..

Jaehee: Embarrassing? With how you two are always at each other, showering cringe-worthy compliments and texts? How can anything be embarrassing?

MC: Heehee...

MC clapped both her hands together suddenly in a pleading manner.

MC: JAEHEE TEACH ME HOW TO MAKE A GOOD CUP OF COFFEE PLEASE

Jaehee: What. Why me. And Yoosung learned how to brew coffee from his coffee club, wouldn't that be better?

MC: But you have more in depth info on it.. You are passionate about the beans and the roast.

Jaehee: A month ago you asked Mr. Han for a private cooking session with his chef. Then you were looking around for some classes on baking.. Now coffee from me? What's going on.

MC fidgeted and looked down, her face turning red.

MC: Well... I'm trying to be a good girlfriend for Yoosung.

Jaehee: I don't understand, aren't you already a good one? He can't stop raving about you.

MC: To be honest, he doesn't show it but he's doing most in the relationship. He'll insist on cooking and he's always trying out new recipes, he also insists on being the one paying for dates even though he isn't working yet, he saves up a lot for our dates. I try to help but his ego won't allow me to take some of that burden away, he believes as the man in the relationship, he's got duties to fulfill.

At this point a warm smile came across her face.

MC: He's giving his all to become a vet when he didn't have any motivation or purpose before; medical isn't an easy line and he's working extra hard because of his left eye injury too and he'll be so busy soon getting that license and practical and all.. I don't know...

MC blushes as she took another sip of her drink before she continued

MC: I just... I want to do more than just offer words of support to him. I want to support him as much as I can even something as little as cooking for him or preparing a cup of coffee when he needs it. I'll be looking for work soon so that I don't seem like a bum that is leeching off him.. So at least I can help our wit the groceries or bills and transport fees and all.. And probably save up for trips for when he gets a break and stuff... I just... I just want to do more for him you know?

Jaehee gave a small giggle as she slid her fork through the slice of cake in front of her.

Jaehee: You're really something.. Always having such a positive attitude towards the face of change. Or danger.

Jaehee shuddered at the memory.

Jaehee: I hope that bomb is finally removed.

MC and Jaehee laughed at that remark as they continued on.

---

Back at Seven's headquarters (?), Yoosung stood stunned at the conversation he just eavesdropped on.

After a while, tears welled up in his eyes and he turned furiously red in the face.

"Whoa. You're as red as my hair" Seven said as he grabbed his phone to snap a photo of Yoosung's crying face.

"You-you meanie. Whydyouhabtotakeapicturofme"

"Can't understand you. SELFIE" He grabbed Yoosung by the shoulder and snapped another photo before he ruffled up Yoosung's bleached hair.

"You realize how frickin' blessed you are now? Now go and study hard for that examination of yours. If not for Rika, If not for yourself then make it for your future with her."

Yoosung rubbed his eyes with the sleeves of his beloved hoodie. Another renewed resolution for himself.

Half a year later the RFA gathered at Yoosung's graduation ceremony at SKY university

"To think that kid didn't bothered with uni in the beginning, I didn't even know he was taking a course like veterinary" Zen said as he occasionally stopped to smile and wave at some female fans. His career as a musical artist soared beyond the stage and onto television in the past few years. That also meant more fans.

"Well he did it for Rika at first because of Sally..." V stated as he was adjusting the settings on his camera to ensure he doesn't miss any shots of Yoosung. Much to persistence of his fellow RFA members, he managed to receive an operation on his right eye to stop him from going blind. He slowly started to take photographs again.

"He always did perform better if it's for someone else but it is rather surprising that he graduated at the top of his class and is chosen as the valedictorian." Jaehee said as she scanned through the graduation event schedule.

"He worked really really hard! His parents and sister are in the front, i saw them just now. They're so so proud!" MC said proudly.

"Indeed he did, his results were so superb it caught wind from one of our medical panel and they've offered him a position in one of our hospitals to undergo private practice so his future is secured as of now" Jumin Han spoke in his usual tone of voice. "I did not even need to put in any word of recommendation."

"I managed to retrieve my number 1 spot in LOLOL again because of this, he stopped religiously for the past few months" Seven said as he took a sip from a can of Dr. Pepper.

"It was nice of him to invite all of us. I know 2 tickets were allocated but you can purchase additional tickets for everyone else." Zen said as he posed for some girls who were trying to sneak a photo of him.

"Oh i paid for it. C&R is a major sponsor for the graduation, which is why we have such good and somewhat private seating" Jumin stated as he adjusted his cuff links.

"Tch. You just had to ruin it" Zen glared at the trust fund kid. Their relationship, as usual; have seen better days.

"I think it's great we're all here though" MC said happily.

"Yea, Jaehee and I weren't there for his high school one and we got to make sure we get proper smiling one for today!" Seven said with determination.

"Oh, it's starting" V said as he readied his camera, he brought his best zoom lens for this as the crowd quieted down.

Professors and head of programmes gave their welcome speeches before the calling of graduates, there were a lot of names being called out. The RFA cheered and clapped loudly when Yoosung's name was read out.

Yoosung walked proudly onto stage as he tipped his graduation cap to the head of programme upon receiving his degree and posing for a picture. A proud moment for him and those who were there for him. They all waited for the rest of the graduates to receive their degrees before Yoosung was called to stage to deliver the valedictorian speech.

"An-nyŏng-ha-se-yo! My name is Yoosung Kim and I am honoured to be delivering the Valedictorian speech this year."

A round of applause roared across the hall as the his Amethyst eyes scanned the crowd for the RFA and his beloved.

"It's really an honour because I wasn't always a model student. Well I was in high school but something happened that made me not take the first 2 years of university seriously."

"You see, I failed my exams and sometimes I'd fall asleep in class. I'd forget days where there are quizzes and had almost no motivation to come to class, I would often skip classes to play LOLOL."

"However, there were people who did not give up on me and I am thankful that I was given another chance to pick myself up. I knew I had to put in the extra effort as I wasted the first two years despite having an accident that caused me to lose sight, literally; in my left eye. It wasn't easy that is for sure but because of this 2nd chance, I did the best I could in all classes and I guess it showed with my results and also the fact that I was chosen as the Valedictorian. "

"What I'm trying to say is, sometimes in life we'll get lost and we don't perform our best, we fall and fail and when that happens, it feels like you're surrounded by darkness but I know of a saying, "Fall seven times, get up eight". There is a light in all of us, sometimes you'll find it yourself but most times you are assisted by outsiders to help you realise your potential. I have friends and family inside and outside the uni that had my back, professors who saw my efforts in getting better helping me out and most of all, I have a wonderful and supportive girlfriend that stood by my side and I'm really thankful for that. It was because of her that I felt that i could do anything and everything I set my heart into."

"This kind of feels déjà vu-ish" Zen said as he listened intently to Yoosung's speech.

"SKY University never gave up on their students and i am proof of that. So fellow students and friends, we tip our hats to our Professors, to our family and friends that have supported us but most of all, give yourself a pat on the back because we made it!"

He ended his speech with a word of congratulations to the students and wishing them the best in their future before walking off the stage with a round of applause tailing him. As soon as he got off the stage he nodded to his family before running off to meet the members of the RFA.

He was congratulated by every member but his eyes were fixated on MC.

"Congratulations on graduating!" MC said as she threw her arms around him when she had the chance to.

Yoosung blushed and gave a cheeky grin.

"Who'd have thought I'd be chosen to deliver that speech!"

"Not us" said almost all of the RFA in unison in less than a split second.

"YOU GUYS ARE MEAN!" Yoosung said with a puffed up cheek before breaking into laughter with the rest of the RFA.

"I'd like to personally thank every one of you for being here and for never giving up on me when I wasn't bothered with uni."

Then he turned to MC

"Most of all, thank YOU for coming into my life and blessing me with all of you. I graduated from uni but I feel like I have also graduated from my old self with the end of this chapter in my life. It's time to move on with the next chapter and I feel like I can take anything on as long as you are by my side. "

"So..."

He held her hand when he suddenly kneel down on one knee to everyone's surprise and took out a small box from underneath his robe and opened it to reveal a ring.

"MC, will you please marry me and make me an even happier person than I thought I could ever be?"

THE END

[ontheoddoccasioniwritestuff]

Author’s Note: Update on Hiatus

Do not reblog this post. I don’t want any “discourse” from it. Fair warning, this is a long post. Tl;dr at the end.

Unfortunately, within the last few months especially, I received a number of hateful messages concerning Jack Lowden’s relationship status. They were rude to me for not believing their “evidence” that he might be dating someone else when I said I didn’t want to assume, and hating on my writing in general. To say the least, this was very disheartening.

To make it clear again: yes, I do have a crush on Jack. I am not entitled to anything from him just because I like him and his work. I will not be going on a jealous rage that leads to harassment and hate should he date someone. I simply admire him from afar and take inspiration from his media persona as a muse of sorts.

However, due to the amount of messages and their content, I began to associate Jack with those anonymous messages. I would feel sick with anxiety for hours because all I would think about would be those messages. Someone who is a small hero of mine was ruined by hateful people who didn’t even have the guts to show their faces, who had nothing better to do than to insult a blog they could very easily not look at. Writing, my everyday hobby, was soiled because my most frequent muse (Jack and all his characters) was tainted with hatred. I could no longer do something I loved or think of someone I respected without having an anxiety attack.

So I went on hiatus with his tags filtered and accounts unfollowed so that nothing would trigger me. Sporadic posts on my blog are simply to entertain myself. I still used Tumblr to talk to my friends and they have been very understanding. The fear that I would lose relevancy faded in favour of boosting my health because I want to be able to enjoy things and I’ll do whatever it takes to do so.

As of now, the messages have stopped. More recently, I’ve attempted to ease myself back onto social media. No longer do I feel overly sick or anxious when I see a post Jack has made. This of course does not mean I’m better, merely that I am on my way to recovery.

I will be returning to writing; I will do my anniversary blurb prompt list and 1k follower blog recommendation too. I just don’t know when. I have had the posts in my draft for a while. I hit 1k followers two weeks ago but I was not ready to make it known and receive any messages.

Once they are both done, requests will be to a minimum. Instead of constant requests, I will upload my own fics and the occasional request if I feel inspired. There were times I wrote requests I was uncomfortable with and I’m not proud of that. I don’t know if I will delete them. To delete would give the impression it was never there and I have a perfect record – obviously not true, I’m only human and I make mistakes. However I’m not so comfortable those staying up to reflect me.

I’ve already made it known that I don’t accept requests for certain people due to age and marital status but that their characters are fine. This might apply to all those I write for in future in terms of RPF. It’s a creative choice – sticking with characters that I can interpret as I please, established or OCs. But I’ll keep you updated on that.

When I get back to writing, I will not be uploading every day. It was fun and I loved almost being a frequent writer but it slowly grew unhealthy, where I would avoid real life interactions to meet a “deadline” and my happiness would depend on how many notes I got. That is not the motivation I want. I will upload as I please. Any messages that only ask when I’m updating will promptly be ignored and deleted. I’m setting boundaries for myself so that I don’t render this hobby to become unhealthy and so that I can focus on my education and my work.

If you did send those messages, insulting my work or abusing the use of anonymous messaging to plague me for not believing your “evidence” of someone dating another acquired through invasive action, I forgive you. But I won’t forget you, and if you do come to my inbox again, I will block you without hesitation.

Thank you if you read this whole thing. I just wanted to make it known since I never made it officially known I was on hiatus. 

tl;dr I had a break for mental health reasons, I’m doing better, I’ll get back to writing in the future but I don’t know when, requests will be bare minimum, I’m hyped to see MFM in a month and a bit.

[walters-tampon-string]

Method Acting

Fandom: Durarara!!!

Rating: T

Warnings: Implied sexual content (some mild hints but nothing too drastic)

Characters: Izaya Orihara, Shizuo Heiwajima

Relationships: Orihara Izaya/Heiwajima Shizuo

Description:  No one told them that there was going to be a kiss scene involved...

“What are you smiling about, bastard?” Shizuo Heiwajima growled, trying to put as much hatred into his glare as possible. After all, if Izaya was smiling, then that could mean nothing good for him. The best he could hope for was that he could somehow manage to intimidate the bastard into reconsidering whatever it was he was plotting in that head of his. But that would be the day pigs flew. He could try to strangle Izaya with a metal pipe, and the bastard still wouldn’t be frightened of him. He was too cheeky and brave for his own good. Shizuo was glaring goddamn daggers into him, but the man’s face remained practically serene as he spun around and hummed, the long pink and white kimono he had draped on flowing around him with an elegant grace.

“I just think we finally got put into very fitting and appropriate roles for once. I, a rich, prominent noble person, and you, a lowly servant-” Izaya’s sentence ended with a yelp as he dodged the water bottle Shizuo chucked at him, the bottle exploding everywhere, unfortunately nowhere near the louse.

Shizuo gritted his teeth in annoyance. What exactly was getting on his nerves, he wasn’t sure. Was he irritated because Izaya was being a perpetual asshole like always? But he should be used to it by now. Was he mad at himself for allowing Izaya’s quips to get under his skin in the first place? Shizuo had always had a ridiculously short fuse and bad anger issues. It didn’t take much for his temper to flare, and that flaw of his had almost caused him to lose roles before, seeing as some directors or actors felt afraid to work with him. He would like to point out if they didn’t want him blowing up half the time, they should try to avoid productions that involved Izaya, but whatever.

Maybe it was even something as base as the fact that no matter what he threw, Izaya managed to always have the evasiveness of a god and dodge it. It was a constant frustration, when all he wanted was to see the bastard get his just desserts for once.

Maybe it was a combination of all three.

Even though he didn’t get the satisfaction of seeing the water bottle hit, he took consolation at the filthy look Izaya threw his way, his strange wine-red eyes glimmering with hatred.

“Fuck you, Shizu-chan,” Izaya hissed. Shizuo felt his eye twitch at the nickname. Fuck did he hate the little bastard.

Shizuo was pretty sure he had some kind of blessing-curse rombo-combo going on right now. He was somewhat blessed, because he’d actually been managing to land a steady stream of roles, especially for a newer actor such as himself, and his status was taking off faster than he expected it to. Granted, most of his roles so far had been pretty small - just some parts in a couple of commercials and a few background roles in some TV shows and movies - but he had actually managed to land a few good spots.

He had gotten a very solid voice acting role for the main character of a popular anime, got to act as a main side character in a TV show for two seasons, and had even played the main antagonist in a monster movie that was getting quite the cult following.

He had been getting more and more fan letters, more and more interviews, and his name was being reached to a wider audience.

Pretty good, right?

However, there was a downside to it all. The curse of it being that almost ninety percent of the productions involved him working with Izaya Orihara. Izaya Orihara and him probably should get along. They were from very similar circumstances. They were both relatively young actors who were trying to make it in the industry. They had both been willing to pursue acting, despite knowing the risks such a life involved.

However, Izaya was an absolute asshole. He was always taunting, always sniping, always verbally jabbing at him. The pest even had a tendency to play pranks every now and then. And what Shizuo didn’t understand was why it was only him? Of course, he’d seen Izaya be mean to others, but he’d also seen a humble side of the flea. One who was professional and polite. Why couldn’t he get that kind of side of him? Even if it was just another act that the flea was pulling off. Was it because he had accidentally decked him and nearly broke his nose during a fake fight scene during one of their television shoots? Because that had been an accident .

Well, whatever the reason, it seemed Izaya had a personal vendetta against him and was determined to annoy him in anyway possible. One of his newer methods, Shizuo had been noticing was nicknaming him stuff. Protozoan had been the first, which, okay… was just a fancy way of saying the word idiot. He supposed as far as insults went though, it was generic though. But then, the flea had began throwing the word ‘monster’ around, probably to hint at the time Shizuo had, during the movie where he played the antagonist, “transformed” into a monster and had to wear a rubber suit, which Izaya, of course had found amusing.

Then, in one of the episodes of the TV show, there had been a miscommunication error, and for a good segment of the episode in question, a character thought Shizuo was a woman, who called herself ‘Shizu-chan.’ Ever since that episode had hit the airwaves, Izaya had been using the nickname to death.

He had considered getting the directors, but he knew that would be fruitless. Izaya had a way with words. Shizuo didn’t know how the flea did it, but he could get almost everyone wrapped around his finger in an instant. He would be able to convince the directors that it was simple misunderstanding or joke and sometimes, even pose it in a way that made Shizuo look like the bad guy.

So, he supposed if he wanted to be out of here faster, he should just do his lines as well as he could so he could get away from Izaya faster.

Also to get out of this tuxedo faster as well. It was making him feel unbearably hot.

So, turning away, he went to go some distance away from the flea. He had to remember… he was in a movie. A really big budget movie. The boost in his career this would give him would make it well worth having to deal with Shizuo.

He read over the lines of his script. His part was a bit harder. His character was a servant who’d been transferred from England to Japan, so he had to speak some lines with a bit of an accent and sprinkle in some broken Japanese every now and then, in order to try and make it authentic. It would lead help lead to the character Izaya was playing, Sakuraya, to feel the need to tutor the butler character, which would then lead to their eventual falling in love.

Shizuo grimaced. Not at the story itself. The story and the lines were fine. But the idea of having any romantic involvement with Izaya made him miserable just thinking about it.

But at least the directors had wanted their relationship to be “subtle” and “somewhat hidden” as to help fit the time period. So, the most they would be doing was handholding and maybe a hug.

And Shizuo supposed he could resist breaking Izaya’s hand enough to do a shoot.

All of a sudden, the director was calling for them to get into their positions. Shizuo took a breath.

Here went nothing. -------------------

Shizuo hated Izaya, but he had to admit, he saw why Izaya kept getting hired back. The guy was a very good actor. In fact, Shizuo might even say he had more talent than Shizuo, at least with his acting range. Izaya could seemingly put on any face he needed, always seemed to put the right inflection to his words. He spoke very eloquently and his memorization skills of his lines was top notch.

Shizuo, on the other hand, was a little harder on these aspects. It took him a couple tries to say some lines right and some lines he just struggled to remember. He wondered if that was part of the reason Izaya hated him too, because he was the only reason they were somewhat slow in any production. Well, Shizuo found Izaya’s infuriating perfectness to be annoying as well, so there.

But once they got it all down, the scenes seemed to flow naturally. Once Shizuo got himself in the right headspace, it was almost hard for him to remember that the soft hands he was holding belonged to the bastard flea.

They said their lines, they did their scenes, and eventually… the day was over.

Izaya stood up and looked at his hands in disgust, “Gotta go wash my hands now. Shizu-chan’s filthy hands no doubt got germs all over them.”

“Oi! What do you mean, filthy, you bastard?” Shizuo hissed.

And just like that, the illusion was dead and they were enemies once more. --------------------- “WHAT?” Both Shizuo and Izaya exclaimed the next day when they looked at the now changed script.

“You cannot be serious,” Izaya said, looking at the director imploringly.

“Please,” Shizuo groaned, “I’d be willing to do anything so long as you don’t do this.”

However, the director had very little sympathy for their plight. “We’ve decided the one way to get people to actually talk about the movie is if you two kiss. It makes it more romantic anyway.”

Izaya opened his mouth, and the director cut him off, “Before you say anything about historical accuracy, Izaya, it’s historical fiction for a reason. And if you noticed, the kiss happens in private. It’s staying in. If you two are that adamant about not doing it, we can easily find new actors to replace both of you.”

Shizuo supposed it couldn’t be more straightforward than that.

Growling, they both walked away in disgust.

“Remind me to buy some mouthwash before we shoot,” Izaya said, rolling his eyes.

Shizuo bristled, “You know I am not exactly eager, either, you fucking bastard.”

Izaya gave him a smirk and said, “Oh please, this is the probably the best thing to ever have happened for you. As far as I know, I might even be Shizu-chan’s first kiss!” He sing-songed the last part, mockingly.

“You wish, you rotten flea!” Shizuo said, tossing the script at Izaya, who like always, managed to dart away right in time, giggling.

He refused to acknowledge the fact that unfortunately, what Izaya said was indeed the truth.

Oh well… he supposed he had no choice.

The things one was willing to do for one’s craft.

--------------------------------------------------------------------- Acting was a little harder that day, at least for Shizuo. Naturally, he got into the flow of things again, but he couldn’t help but be distracted in the back of his mind that his lips were going to have to touch Izaya’s. And what’s worse, the director wanted it to look authentic. It couldn’t just be a little peck or anything, it had to involve tongue and everything, because of course it did.

Eventually though, as they continued to do the scene, it became a bit easier to fall into the role. He and Izaya were sitting on their knees, and Izaya had placed a hand on his knee, the two of them staring into one another’s eyes. Once again, Shizuo had to give it to Izaya’s acting ability. There seemed to be an actual heat in the gaze, and it seemed to electrify the air around Shizuo.

The scene was coming up any second now. Izaya was the one who had to initiate it.

Suddenly, the hand on Shizuo’s knee lifted and delicate, soft fingers touched his cheek. Eyes half-lidded, Izaya whispered, “Shitsuo-san, may I try something with you?”

“Of course,” Shizuo replied, eyes going half-lidded himself. He tried to look calm and somewhat confused, even though he was antsy as hell.

He had expected Izaya to hesitate. He probably would’ve if he was in the flea’s situation. However, the slender man actually closed his eyes and pressed their lips together immediately, his hand winding into Shizuo’s hair in a way that felt way to good.

Shizuo had to admit, he was a bit surprised. He had expected Izaya to purposely make this miserable for him. Maybe eat something absolutely nasty so his breath reeked or something while they were kissing, but Izaya’s lips actually felt soft and his breath warm. Shizuo hoped the fact that he stiffened when Izaya kissed him translated to his character being surprised rather than he himself being nervous.

Now was the point where Shizuo’s character was supposed to protest.

Pushing Izaya off of him lightly, he grabbed Izaya’s hands and said, “Master Sakuraya, we… we can’t.”

Izaya breathily chuckled and said, “Of course we can Shitsuo, so long as we are clever and coy.”

Then once more, Izaya pressed his lips to Shizuo’s. And this was the part where they were supposed to get more intense with the kiss, Shitsuo eventually giving in to his desires, at least for a moment. Izaya reminded him of this by tracing the line of his lips with his tongue, which caused Shizuo to gasp involuntarily. The flea took advantage of this, his tongue goading Shizuo’s to work with him. The flea was letting out convincing little hums too.

He was too good at this.

Eventually, Shizuo went along with it. And it felt good. Izaya was a great kisser, despite all of his other flaws. Shizuo found himself actually getting lost somewhat in baser desires.

However, eventually Izaya pulled away and his character let out a giggle, “See, you seemed to enjoy that, Shitsuo-san.”

Now, this was where Shitsuo was supposed to exit the scene. Pushing Izaya away, this time more roughly, he wiped at his lips and said, “No Sakuraya, doing such illicit acts will get us in trouble eventually. I… I have to leave.”

He stood up to leave, hearing Izaya’s character call out, “Shitsuo, please-!”

But Shizuo’s character snapped the door closed.

“CUT!” he heard the director say, but Shizuo continued to walk on until he reached the bathroom. He looked at himself in the mirror. Had… he actually enjoyed kissing Izaya? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That night Shizuo was haunted by his dreams. Dreams of soft lips against his. The feeling of hands shifting through his hair. But there was a slight change to the context of the dreams. Instead of innocent hums, it was shameless hums he was swallowing. Instead of pushing Izaya away, his hands were slipping underneath Izaya’s kimono, feeling up the man’s pale skin, pinching a nipple and causing the other man to mewl in his mouth.

“Shizu-chan,” Izaya whined, “Please-”

Shizuo awoke with a groan. Shit… what the fuck… --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Working with Izaya was already a pain in the ass, with the flea being, well, the way he was.

But somehow, this felt even worse. Cause now, he felt awkward.

His dreams hadn’t ended there. They had continued well throughout the night. Every single time, Izaya was in a new position, saying new things, but the concept was basically the same. Shizuo felt himself burning with shame.

Sure, Izaya was attractive, and okay, he was a good kisser. But he was an asshole.

And he was his coworker. He had to remember this. That kiss had been nothing but acting. Nothing else.

But for the whole day, as they were doing their shoots, Shizuo found he couldn’t focus. He kept messing up the lines, he refused to make eye contact with Izaya half the time, and he couldn’t put any heart into his lines.

Eventually, the director, frustrated, decided that what they needed was a break. He gave generic advice to Shizuo, which made him feel embarrassed… but he had simply nodded and walked away to the set to get a drink from his water bottle, wondering if it was going to be like this for the whole rest of the movie shoot. Because if so, he was going to lose a very valuable acting role, cause he highly doubted this director would have the patience to deal with him.

All of a sudden, he felt something hit him in the back. Not too hard, but enough to catch him off-guard.

When he looked down, he saw a water bottle rolling innocently by his foot. When he looked at the direction it had been thrown from, he saw Izaya smirking, saying, “Revenge.”

When Shizuo didn’t laugh, Izaya said, “Oh fine, no sense of humor… anyway, I just came to ask what the hell was with you up there? You struggle sometimes, but never that badly. What’s got you so bothered?”

Shizuo swallowed as he looked at Izaya. He couldn’t believe he was about to say this.

“Can I kiss you again?”

Izaya actually blinked in surprise for a moment. Shizuo expected him to refuse or to be disgusted, but Izaya actually just smirked.

“What?” Shizuo barked gruffly, already bracing for Izaya to mock him.

However, he was pleasantly surprised when Izaya just said, “See… told you it would be the best thing to happen to you.”

Shizuo rolled his eyes and snapped, “Shut up and come over here, flea, before I regret it.”

“Happy to oblige,” Izaya said with a purr, before striding over and pressing their lips in a kiss.

It was as good as Shizuo remembered it.

He would’ve been happy to stay there for a while, but Izaya pulled away and said, “If you want continued kisses, you got to take me out to dinner first.”

Shizuo swallowed and said, “Deal.”

Izaya was an asshole… but maybe… just maybe… he could get this to work.

Shizuo had always been the hopeful sort.

[firerwolf]

So I finished reading the first chapter of Legacy of Onyx and while I have some critics of it but the good news is that it’s good so far. Legacy of Onyx is written by the same guy that did New Blood and it shows. The writing is good and the language used is very human. It’s not a surprise to anyone that the first chapter is the glassing of Paris IV, the home world of Molly, the main character. I liked it enough that my critiques are really things that can be ignored and didn’t really effect my enjoyment of the read. Before I get to those critiques though I want to bring up something that the chapter did really well that was a big failure when Hunters in the Dark put in a pointless part where the main character watched his planet be glassed. In Hunters in the Dark Luthor sees his world burn and comes out of it thinking “oh, pretty.” How any human could think that that is a reasonable reaction for a child to have is beyond me but Legacy of Onyx doesn’t make that mistake. Molly constantly looks to her parents and is gauging how they are reacting and that shapes how she feels along with her own feelings of fear which are appropriate for an alien invasion. There’s real genuine human emotion, feeling, and reactions to the events which it’s nice to see done. On a point that’s not exactly about the book directly I had an interesting moment. I started reading the chapter and pondered “do we need to hear another story of a child during the glassing of their planet.” After a moment I realized that the shitty one we got with Luthor was the only actual canon instance of a child watching their planet be glassed. I realized that I’d read so many good fanfics post Reach’s release for people’s Noble Six, I didn’t realize that none of them were canon. Which leads me to my critiques which I’ll put under a read more as they will have slight spoilers but it’s the first chapter so it’s not like they’re plot spoilers, just detail spoilers.

Just a reminder none of these critiques are really major issues with the chapter, just small things that poke that writer in me. The first of which is the important question of “was this really needed.” Unless there’s a moment where a singular moment from the chapter is brought up(which I don’t see likely as none of the moments from the chapter really would translate naturally out of the situation) then there isn’t really much of a point to the chapter. It’s the only chapter that takes place at that time in her life, the rest is all during 2558. Like it’s an entire chapter that’s in a completely different time from the rest of it and arguably we don’t really need to see it. In Ghost of Onyx we didn’t have to see any of the Spartan IIIs experience with their planets being glassed, hatred for the covenant isn’t a hard thing for a Halo reader to understand. And the thing was nothing major about the actual events of the story stood out that much over the fanfictions I’ve already read. I get that fanfictions aren’t canon but the fandom had basically covered all scenarios of which would cause a child to hate the Covenant. As of now I don’t see much of a point to it being the start of the book. The chapter is good but it seems so disconnected and not needed it’s just odd. It’s would be an amazing piece of writing to be in something like Fractures or Evolutions but connected to a full book it just seems like a disconnected option for a first chapter. My second critique is the age of Molly. I don’t get why she needs to be 7 during this chapter and a teen later. Not to mention some of her reactions and thoughts sound more like someone who’s 14 or 15, not 7. I suspect the reason is that they are supposed to be forcing her to go to Onyx but there are plenty of reasons that an adult would take a chance, do something they hate, for the chance of a life time like working at Onyx. To be fair I’m not really a fan of stories about teens, if they do anything impressive it tends to be unbelievable which harms the quality of a story. An adult would make for later on, when the Pale Blade is supposed to show up, whatever she does be more believable which makes a story more engrossing. Sometimes it’s hard enough in Halo stories to suspend disbelief that adults do certain things, it’s even harder for a teen that’s not a Spartan. There is one thing that actually genuinely annoys me a bit, and it’s a single moment where the writer seemed to forget how heat works. Basically, in the scene their car is driving toward a tunnel and Molly is explaining how extremely hot the inside of the car is and when they get into the tunnel there’s a large drop in temperature. The reality is that it should still be just as unbearable, and the light from the beam should have still been flooding the tunnel and blinding them but it’s like once they get in the tunnel the plasma stops existing. The reality is that hot air would be rushing through that tunnel and the light behind them from the glassing plasma would still blind them. This is an issue that would have been someone helped if there’d even been something as simple as a dip down into the tunnel but it’s described as being flat. The science part of me grumbled “it wouldn’t work that way” but I was enjoying the story enough that I was able to brush it off. My final critique is another small thing but it’s a small thing that I see often in fanfictions and was sad to see in a published book from an author that I like. It’s the random cameo from a canon character giving a connection to a writer’s OC for no reason. And the no reason is the problem. At the end of the chapter her family’s car has crashed, her parents dead, and someone comes and rescues her. It’s a soldier and the thing is that just saying it was the UNSC would have been enough, it would have explained how she was saved(and apparently confirm that we kicked the Covenant’s ass at Paris IV or else she would have been glassed) and provided possible connections or loyalty to the UNSC later if need be. But the issue is literally the last line in the chapter where her rescuer, who she has no interaction with, is name dropped to be Johnson. There is no reason at all for a canon character to be name dropped. The rest of the book is in 2558, long after his death and seeing as he doesn’t adopt her and she doesn’t effect him in any big way it’s just a really random and not needed connection. You see this a lot in fanfictions where people will randomly connect their characters to canon characters for no reason. It’s like if a writer is writing for a character who, as they get fall unconscious from injuries and then randomly they note that the pilot of the pelican they’re passing out on is code named Foehammer. They never interact with the pilot just pass out making it pointless to name drop a canon character. Not everything needs to be connected to a canon character constantly. That’s all I really had to say that was negative but so far it seems like the book is at least starting off fine. Better than most of the other recent Halo books. Envoy had a…meh start and Last Light started stupidly. And Denning is not getting any more of my money after I read a sample of Redemption and although it would be full of constant rage blogging as it’s utter shit, even more than Last Light, with his sue being put into overdrive he isn’t getting any more money from me.

[sadstoriesbook]

Chapter Two...

    Here I am, writing the second chapter on the same day. Call that productive or whatever; I call this therapy session on a rainy day that is slowly turning back into a hot summer day with a beautiful caress of middle-temperature wind.

    You can smell the beach in the wind, and if you lick your lips, you can almost taste the salt on them, hair flying all around my face, almost preventing me from seeing my computer screen. This morning the sky was full of clouds, there was this fresh air, and you could smell the rain, but now it’s like nothing happened, like it never rained, like thunder never screamed last night, like lightning never lighten up the sky.

    Rainy days always inspire me; there is this nostalgia, memories coming back. I always find rain soothing. So on this beautiful Sunday, I’ve started a new book, called “Thirteen Reasons Why” by Jay Asher.

    This heartbreaking story. I’m sure you’ve heard about it, probably from the Netflix series, but this book was there way before, it has been praised by everyone, Association of Booksellers for Children, American Library Association. It won a Heartland Award for Excellence in Young Adult Literature. Florida Teens Read Award, California Book Award, Kentucky Bluegrass Award, Barnes & Noble’s “top Ten Best for Teens.” Book Sense pick, international reading Association’s “ young adults choices” finalist. Borders Original Voices finalist. Chicago Public Library’s “Best of the Best Books,” Kansas State Reading Circle’s “Recommended Reading List,” New York Public Library’s “Book for the Teen Age.”

    16 state Award Master lists.

    “Thirteen Reasons Why is a mystery, eulogy, and ceremony. Twenty or thirty times, I snapped the book shut when a sentence, an image, or a line of dialogue was too beautiful and painful.–”

    I relate a lot to this first part of praise. There are so many lines, thoughts from the protagonists that break my heart. Especially this sentence. “And yes, Clay–I’m sorry, too.” If you read the book, you know why this sentence is strong, powerful and full of emotions and is so meaningful.

    “–But I, afraid and curious, would always return to this amazing book. I know, in years to come, I will often return to this book.” - Sherman Alexie, author of “The Absolutely True. Diary of a Part-Time Indian.

    I would close the book because a sentence hurt me, or because I related too much to the current situation but find myself opening the book two minutes after because I needed to see how the characters reacted, would they act the same way as I did when I was in this situation? To be honest, and don’t get me wrong, I love this book, I do not agree with some choices that some of the characters made, but that’s what makes this book so realistic, you don’t agree with everyone’s choices, it’s not yours to make.

    ”Every once in a while you come across a book that you can’t get out of your mind, one you have to rush back to if you must put it down for some reason. Jay Asher’s Thirteen Reasons Why is one of those books, and is at the very top of my personal Must-Read List.“ -Ellen Hopkins, bestselling author of Tricks, Identical, Crank, Burned, Impulse, and Glass.

     Even after ten years, this book still has this strong impact on the ones who read it. And even to the ones who didn’t but still heard from it by their friend or online. This book created, opened a conversation that needed to be.

    ”Very clever premise, strong voice, perfect suspense. This one will keep you reading. Jay Asher is a fine storyteller.“ - Chris Crutcher, author of Staying Fat for Sarah Byrnes, Whale Talk, and Deadline.

    While reading the book, I sometimes had to remind myself that the author who wrote this book somehow found a way to put himself in the skin of a teenage girl who’s turning into a young woman and has to go through the looks and expectations of everyone. He did it, and some of you might think "well he’s an author,” I’m sorry but many failed at this. When you read this book, you tend to forget that it’s not a young woman who’s writing this book, who’s telling her story, it’s an amazing and talented man.

    “A spectacular first novel. Jay Asher tells his story with such honesty and simplicity that the tragedy feels shatteringly real.” -Gordon Korman, author of Son of the Mob and Jake, Reinvented.

    “the tragedy feels shatteringly real.” Well if I’m going to be entirely frank with you, Gordon Korman, these things do happen in real life! There might not be someone who does thirteen cassettes to tell their story, but it does happen. Some people can push others to kill themselves.

   In this chapter, I might hurt some people and perhaps get some haters.

    I’ve been bullied and on the verge of killing myself. People are mean enough to push others to kill themselves because they are different, not like them. Some people will beat, and some people will use words.

    For my part, the worse was the words that were said. Bruises, I mean physical injuries heal, but words stay, words remain. You can cover scars with tattoos or even jewelry, but you can’t cover internal and mental scars, it’s just not possible.

    I don’t really know where to go with this chapter. I just don’t. I’m mad whenever I think about those who hurt me but even more to those who saw and did nothing to help.

    There is this quote “It only takes a little push to pull on through” - All-Time Low, “Missing You.”

    I remember when I read online the negative comments. How the book tells too much or even the series shows too much, I got mad, and he asked me what was going on.

    “Just some stupid people that are afraid of life.” I spat, anger dripping in every word I say.

    “If you care about everything that everyone says, you’re screwed you know that?” He answers.

    I shut my computer and look at him.

    “Those people are similar to the ones who hurt me. They caution this behavior. ” I said. I didn’t understand why he was telling me this. He knew my story.

    “I know. What I meant was, you cannot leave one single negative comment to hide two positive ones.” He adds.

    “There is way more than one negative comment. That’s the problem. They refuse to see the truth! Thirteen Reasons Why shows this truth, and they don’t like it. Words hurt, actions have consequences. People decide to hate the truth because they know that they have things to be guilty of doing or saying! They criticize the victims, I mean, yeah sure it’s easier. But the fact is the less famous version of it all, the less attractive. You can’t gossip about the truth. ‘Oh well, they killed themselves because they are weak.’ They killed themselves because they were strong for too long. And when they’re dead, they cry, they don’t cry because they’re sad they are gone, no, because they’re gone because of them. They cry because they realized what they just did. They killed someone; there’s blood on their hands.

    But then what’s following could almost be mesmerizing. They can’t blame themselves, I mean, this won’t be fair, so they blame the victim, say that it was just attention seeking, they keep on putting down the victim, they soil the memory of the victim. What they don’t even realize is that by killing them, they’re killing their family, too. This book and the show prove that, and it tells the truth, and they don’t like it because people don’t like the truth.”

    Once again he didn’t answer, he knew better. And he knew I was right. Jay Asher did a fabulous work on this book, and as a bully survivor, I thank him for writing this book, and I thank Netflix for creating this show.

    Truth needs to be said. And for my part, when I will have children, I will tell them about the book and the show, I won’t force them to read it or watch it, but they will definitely know about it.

    The best way to stop bullying and hatred is to educate the ones that will soon rule the world, the next generation. Everything starts with them; things can only change with them.

     Values are something important, something that some people lack, some people are degrading, some people don’t even care about it. Sure it’s easier to be bad than good; you have to fight to be good, you have to fight to keep up with your own expectations. It’s always easier to take the wrong road, but always harder to stay on the good one, you have to look for indications, ask for help when you’re lost. It’s a constant fight, but in the end, it’s worth it because when you arrive at the end of the road, you remember the ones who helped you, the ones who let you down, and the landscapes you saw.

    Everything matters, everything has consequences, everything has an impact, minimal or not, it does matter, so make the most of it.

    Don’t wait the next day to say you’re sorry; there might not be a next day. Don’t wait until it’s too late.

    As I love to say, don’t live with regrets and do not leave with regrets.