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monaownsmyass · 4 years ago

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Influence Her

Requested fic by anon. (If you have any fic ideas or requests you'd like me to write, you can leave me an ask!)

Book: Queen B

Pairing: Veronica Lombardi x MC (Bea Hughes)

Genre: Fluff

Rating: PG13, strong words and suggestive lines/scenes

Word Count: 5,125 (V stans feasting with this one)

A/N: MC doesn’t really like Veronica’s social media presence but can real-life Veronica change her mind when they meet? (Alternating POVs) Y’all wanted a Poppy x MC enemies-to-lovers? Nahhh Veronica x MC would’ve been much better imo 😏 I also gave her some personality since PB is shit with character development especially with their side characters.

Tag list: @ineedskyecrandall @kamilahsayeet2063 @avalawrencefl @lovekamilahsayeed @thequeenkamilahsayeed @heygmicheelle @djtjsmith14 @jjlover01 @soft-for-drake @dopeyouth @alexroyard @satrinadia @toalltheboysididntlove @mypegasifly (lmk if anyone would like to be included or removed in my next fics and if you only want to be tagged for certain pairings.)

Part 2 is here!

I couldn't escape it.

It was all Veronica this! Veronica that! Oh, Veronicats! Oh, @vivilomborghini! And I've had it!

She was everywhere and I couldn't escape it. Obviously, she was all over my socials. On Pictagram, The T, but ever since I joined Belvoire, I couldn't even walk across the damn campus without seeing her.

I heard about Veronica long before I started attending Belvoire and I never liked her even since then. Something about her always rubbed me the wrong way.

When I found out she was also a student here on my first day, I was ready to head out. I did have other offers from different universities but Zoey convinced me that it wasn't gonna be so bad, so I took her word for it and stayed.

It was hard enough trying to avoid her on social media, which, trust me, was a sport all on it's own, but now I had to inevitably see her face every single day. I had no idea why, but I felt like she was wherever I went. At the library, at class, at the courtyard, it didn't matter, she was there.

She was like a constant nightmare haunting me. Okay, maybe a gorgeous, very attractive nightmare, but a nightmare nonetheless.

"I don't get why you hate her so much, babe," Zoey said at she followed my irritated glare aimed at Veronica who was vlogging not too far away. "She's not that bad."

"I don't hate Veronica Lombardi, but she hasn't given me any reason to like her either," I clarified.

"Why not?"

I scoffed. "Just look at her! Look how fake she is. She's basically lying to her fans. Her online personality is so artificially bright and happy it makes me wanna barf."

"Bea, that's basically almost every social media influencer ever."

"Maybe, but there's just something about her that doesn't sit right with me. How did she even get that many followers? I don't get what people see in her. Like sure, she's easy on the eyes and all but there's literally nothing else going for her."

Zoey raised a brow. "I'm surprised you admitted she's attractive.."

"I just don't like her, that doesn't mean I'm blind, Zo. I can appreciate a pretty face even if it annoys the shit out of me."

Zoey let out a laugh and gave me a pat on the cheek before standing up from the picnic table we were sitting at. "I'm sure V would be ecstatic to hear you call her pretty."

The space between my brows creased. "What do you mean?"

"Oh, babe, it's so obvious our favourite social media star has a crush on you."

"What makes you say that?" My nose scrunched up in disgust but something in my stomach stirred.

"You know, the looks, the movements," she replied, waving her hand around. "I'd love to explain more, but I'm gonna be late for class." She gathered her things and started walking away.

"Fine, fine," I sighed.

"And babe?"

"Yeah?"

"Dreamgirl is headed your way."

~*~*~

From the moment my eyes set on Bea Hughes, I knew there was something different about her.

Yes, the way she dressed, her accent, how she stood up to Poppy, it definitely made her stand out in Belvoire but there was just something else about her that caught my attention.

Maybe it was the way she carried herself, or her vibe. Maybe it was just how hot she was, I wasn't sure.

There was just a magnetic pull attracting me to her and I may not have known why, but I was determined to get to know her better.

I remembered the first time I caught sight of her. There was a crowd in the courtyard surrounding her and Poppy. She straight up roasted Poppy with no remorse and when she was done, our eyes locked. I could feel the tension between us. Was it sexual? Was it rivalry? Jealousy? Hatred? Maybe it was in potential alliance.

Whatever it was, I felt a connection.

Her smouldering gaze held onto my curious one and we held eye contact for a good minute before I raised a brow. She suddenly seemed to realise where she was and rolled her eyes, looking away.

I didn't know what that eye roll meant but that wasn't gonna stop me from finding out more about this interesting woman.

While I was vlogging, my eyes drifted to the girl that had me thinking about her ever since she stepped onto campus. She was eyeing me in annoyance. I've had people look at me like that but something behind her glare told me that wasn't all. I saw my chance. I smirked, ended the vlog and started walking up to her.

I didn't know what her problem with me was but I was gonna find out.

She was intriguing.

And I, Veronica Lombardi, was always up for a challenge.

~*~*~

I whipped my head around to see Veronica headed my way. I didn't like her but the way she strutted towards me made me breathless. The power in her strides almost made me realise why she was as popular as she was. Almost.

Still, I groaned and reached an arm out to Zoey.

"Zo! Don't leave me!"

"Sorry babe," she laughed. "You're on your own. Tell me how it goes, though!"

My arm flopped onto the table and my head followed.

"Hey," I heard a smooth, low voice call out not long after.

I knew who it was from but it still shocked me. It was such a vast difference from the bubbly, higher-pitched tone I had associated with her.

I raised my head to look at her.

"Yes?"

"This seat taken?"

"Does it matter?" I sighed. "Looks like you're gonna sit anyway."

She chuckled and crossed her arms. "That wasn't a yes so I can only assume you want me too."

I was about to deny it but something stopped me. I couldn't get the words out in time and she sat across me.

Well, this would be interesting.

"What do you want, Veronica?"

"No need to be so hostile," she raised her hands up. "I just came by 'cuz I saw you ogling at me."

My jaw dropped. "I was not ogling at you!" I said defensively.

She laughed again at my apprehension. "Sure you weren't."

"I wasn't!"

"Anyway," she said, ignoring my protest. God, she was infuriating. "I thought it was about time we finally meet and get to know each other."

I just looked at her as she stretched a hand out.

"Hi, I'm Veronica Lombardi," she said with a dazzling smile.

I had no intention of shaking her hand but I didn't wanna be mean especially since she was being nice. Also, there was something so compelling about that smile...

I lightly held her hand but the slight contact sent a jolt up my arm.

What was happening?

Brushing it off, I gave it a single shake. "Bea."

"Nice to officially meet you, Bea."

The way she spoke my name was unlike the way others said it. It sounded like a praise on her lips.

"As much as I'd love to hang around and make you fall in love with me," she stated and I was about to say something to contradict it but decided against it. Not like it would've helped. "I gotta go. Perhaps we could continue this conversation later? Elsewhere?"

I glared at her in disbelief. "Are you seriously asking me out on a date right now?"

"Oh, it's a date, huh?" she said playfully.

"What? I- you- NO!" I flustered.

"Alright then, it's a date," she laughed and I could feel myself getting red in the face. Was it from being infuriated or from blushing? I couldn't tell.

"Why would I go out with you?"

"Look, I know you don't like me that much, but why not give me a chance, hm?" The right corner of her lips quirked up ever so slightly as she gave me a lazy grin, so unlike the awfully overexaggerated fake cheery smile I was accustomed to seeing. It was relaxed and laidback and I'd be lying if I said I didn't find it absolutely sexy.

"How do I know it's not just for a vlog or some prank video."

"I swear it's not," she quickly assured. "If you don't believe me, I'll let you keep my phone for the entire time. I promise. I just want to get to know you."

She gazed into my eyes and I could tell she was telling the truth.

"Alright..."

"It that a yes?"

"It's not a yes..." I paused before adding. "But it not a no either."

I saw her eyes light up and I thought it was pretty cute. I mean, it was good to know she wasn't devoid of human emotion.

"I'll tell you what," she said and reached into her bag for a pen and paper and starting writing. "You let me know once you make up your mind."

She slid the paper over to me and on it was her number. She signed off as 'V, xoxo'.

Before standing up, she took my hand that was resting on the table between us in hers and paused for a moment, looking me in the eyes and making sure I wouldn't flinch away.

Once she was certain I wouldn't pull back, she brought my hand up to her lips and placed a gentle kiss on it. The way her soft lips grazed my hand made my heart flutter.

She let it go and walked away, looking over her shoulder to wink at me.

"Until then, beautiful."

I felt my whole face burn as I watched her walk away.

And this time, it was definitely from blushing.

~*~*~

"I'm telling you, Zo! How many times do I have to repeat myself? It's not a date!"

"Didn't you say she said it was a date?"

"Well, technically I made the mistake of assuming it was a date then she got the wrong idea and called it a date."

"So you wanted it to be a date?"

I was ready to pull my hair out in frustration. "No!"

Zoey giggled at me. "You are going though, right?"

"Why should I? I have no reason too."

"The Veronica Lombardi asked you out on a date and you're gonna say no to that?" She looked at me like I was stupid.

"It's not a date!"

"Just go for it. What do you have to lose?"

"My time, patience and sanity."

She glanced at me skeptically. "I don't think you actually believe that. I think you just don't want to admit you wanna spend time with Veronica."

That made me quiet. Was the idea of going out with Veronica actually repulsive or did I just not want to acknowledge it?

"Fine, I'll go for the stupid thing."

Zoey first pumped and cheered. "I can't wait to see you in her next vlog!"

"Oh, she said she wasn't gonna vlog."

She blinked at me. "What?"

"She said she would let me keep her phone for the rest of our time together as proof when I asked her if it she was only asking me out for a video."

"Bea, do you not realise what this means?"

I just looked at Zoey, puzzled.

"Veronica, Queen of Social Media, who vlogs and livestreams everything, said she would give you her phone. That's where all her power is! She's basically giving it up to you! I've heard if anyone so much as touches her phone, there'll be hell to pay."

Involuntarily, I felt myself start to smile. "Really?"

"God, you look like a kid in a candy store. You sooooo like her."

I shoved her and tried but failed miserably to hide my ecstatic expression. "Shut up! I do not!"

Zoey collapsed into a fit of giggles. "Deny it all you want, but you said you'd go out with her and I don't see you texting her yet."

I rolled my eyes at my best friend but moved to grab my phone to shoot Veronica a quick text to tell her my answer was yes.

~*~*~

When I received her confirmation yesterday, I felt the excitement bubbling in me. From the how she was blushing and the way she looked at me when I left, I was almost certain she would agree but getting a straight answer from her was the best news I've had all week.

I looked at the mirror at the outfit I was wearing. Hmm, should I change or would this suffice? No, I didn't want it to just suffice, I wanted it to impress.

I went through my closet, flinging clothes everywhere, trying to find something that would definitely catch her eye when I heard someone shout, "V!!!"

I rolled my eyes as Poppy barged in with Chloe by her side.

"What the hell are you doing and why is your room messier than a pig sty?! You were suppose to meet me an hour ago!"

I simply shrugged at her. "I'm busy."

"Busy with what? Putting on a fashion show for the fly on your wall?! Get ready, we're going out."

"Like I said, Pops," I took a stride in her direction and booped her nose, no doubt making her madder than she already was. "I'm busy."

"With what?" Chloe asked curiously since Poppy looked like she was gonna pop her lid off.

"I have a date with Hughes," I hummed.

"YOU'RE DITCHING ME FOR THAT NEWBIE, FARMSVILLE?!" Poppy screamed angrily.

I ignored Poppy and turned to Chloe. "Help me pick out something?"

"I'd love to!" she squealed which made Poppy stomp her feet in frustration.

"Ugh! Fine! Don't come crawling back to me when your social ranking takes a plunge after being seen with Farmsville!"

"You're delusional, Pops, maybe you should rest," I laughed as she stormed off, leaving Chloe to help me find the perfect outfit.

I couldn't wait to see Bea again.

~*~*~

There was a knock on the front door and Zoey jumped in excitement.

"You're looking forward to it more than I am."

"Can't I just be happy for my best friend-slash-roommate?" She pushes me towards the door. "Now go get your girl!"

"She is not my girl!" But my mind started racing at the possibility.

I shook the thought away and opened the door to be greeted with the sight of Veronica holding a single rose. I hate to admit it, but my breath hitched as I took her in.

My eyes ran up and down her body, soaking in every single feature my eyes landed on. Her sleeveless shirt was loose against her toned body but showed off her biceps nicely compared to her usual long-sleeved sweater.

My gaze landed on her chest and travelled down to her hips which only lead to her long, muscular legs covered by her pants. I forced my eyes back up to her attractive face only to see a stupid cocky smirk playing on her lips.

It was infuriating but fuck, she was hot.

I didn't even notice I was biting my lip until I heard her speak.

"Don't bite too hard, it might start bleeding before I get to kiss you," she said flirtatiously with that calm voice of hers but I could see her own eyes roaming my body.

I rolled my eyes but I wasn't as annoyed as I lead on. "Someone's confident."

"Very," she replied with a full smile this time and held out the rose in her hand. "For you."

"This isn't a date."

"It is!" Zoey called out from behind me.

"Zo!"

"It's true," she laughed. "Have fun on your date! V, you better treat her good!"

"The best," Veronica laughed with Zoey. "Don't worry!" She turned her attention back to me. "So, are you gonna accept my rose?"

The way she phrased it and said it made me melt. How could I say no?

Sighing in defeat, I took it from her and tucked it into my purse, the flower sticking out, on display for the world to know and strangely, I didn't mind.

We made our way away from the dorm and across the courtyard to her car. I saw people looking and whispering, wondering what the hell the newbie was doing with Belvoire's social media queen, the third ranked in The T.

I snickered and felt a little smug. It was great knowing someone with so much power was by my side. I felt kinda protected and safe 'cuz I knew no one would dare toss any snide remarks my way when I was with her.

I also thought it was really sweet that she didn't care that she was being seen with me. Not like I think anyone would dare say anything about her but I was still touched.

She opened the passenger side door for me and I raised her a brow at her. "I can open my own door, you know," I teased.

"O.M.G., I totally didn't know that," she replied sarcastically in a deadpan tone. "Lemme just do something nice for you."

"I guess I wouldn't mind being treated like a princess for the day," I muttered jokingly.

"Darling, I'll treat you like a queen," she replied coolly and suddenly, my whole body was on fire.

That immediately shut me up which made her chuckle.

We got into her car and she began driving. After a while, I spoke up.

"Where are we going?"

"You're warming up to me, huh?" She glance at me from the corner of her eyes and gave me another exasperating smirk.

"What?"

"You're starting a conversation with me. You like me now, don't you?" She reached out to poke me in the arm and I swatted her hand away even though I was trying my hardest to stifle a smile that was threatening to spread across my lips.

"God, you're annoying."

"Hey, I'm just stating facts."

Eventually, we pulled up to a small quaint café that didn't look like what I thought Veronica's speed was at all.

She opened the door for me again and this time, I didn't bother with a witty remark since I knew she would turn it on me anyway.

As we walked in, she greeted the barista behind the counter as if they've known each other for some time and it occurred to me then that I was getting to see the real Veronica. The thought that she actually was willing to share this private part of her life with me made me soft.

After ordering, she guided me to a table and pulled out a chair for me, motioning for me to sit. I looked around to take in the surrounding. There was barely anyone else in the café, only two other customers who were in their own worlds, reading. The place was small and cozy and... quiet. It wasn't like the high-energy, over-the-top, loud parties and events setting I was used to seeing her in. It was much more peaceful. Even the contemporary R&B and soul music they were playing that Veronica was humming to was much different than the pop songs she played in her vlogs that I've seen.

"Is this your little hideout?"

She offered me a small grin before staring at a picture on the wall. "Somewhat. No one expects to find me here so it's where I come if I just want some time to myself. No Poppy, no Belvoire, none of the Veronicats, just me." She leaned forward as her enrapturing eyes landed on mine and the sheer intensity of her gaze sucked all the air out of my lungs. "And now you."

I looked away, not being able to hold eye contact anymore and all of a sudden feeling very overwhelmed.

"It doesn't seem like you. I mean, I knew your online personality wasn't all real but this is..."

"Different?" she gave me a rueful smile. "I'm not my brand, Bea."

"Who are you, then?"

Her sad smile quickly changed into a simper. "That's why we're here, aren't we?"

"Fair enough." I leaned back in my chair. "Why don't you show your followers the real you? I'm sure they'll appreciate it." 'I do,' I thought subconsciously.

She let out a humourless laugh. "It's not that easy. Changing my entire image is already a hassle, but then I'd have to deal with that rumours and the haters and all that bullshit which is annoying. Then, I have to worry about my followers who'll either bash me or get bashed for still supporting me," she sighed, looking more tired than I've ever seen her. "It's just a lot."

Before I could reply, she pulled out her phone and slid it over to me across the table. "Like I promised, I'll let you keep it."

"V," I started and realised I called her by her nickname for the first time. I knew she noticed it to when I saw her brows lift up slightly. "You really don't have to."

She shook her head. "No, no, I want to. I want you to know I'm serious about this. I want you to know I'm being honest. Also, it's relaxing to know I don't have to worry about my online appearance since it's with you," she joked.

"Aren't you scared I'll log into your accounts? Maybe try and steal you phone?"

She looked at me with an amused smile. "I'm right here, I can see whatever you're doing. And what, you gonna run off with my phone in an unfamiliar area when I have a car?"

"Maybe I'll steal your car too."

She let out a full laugh that made my heart flip.

Woah?

"Darling, you can try," she spoke and leaned in closer, almost whispering the next part with a mischievous glint in her eyes. "But I think we both know who'll end up on top."

I caught the undertone in her statement and I felt my cheeks getting hot.

"You'd be surprised," I returned her energy and I saw her pupils dilate, the tension between us palpable.

We were interrupted by the barista from earlier. They served us our drinks and left, making me clear my throat and trying to shake out the image of Veronica and I in a.... compromising position.

I looked at her phone that was still in front of me and hesitantly slipped it into my purse.

"I have a question," I said.

"Mm?"

"Aren't you tired of pretending? To your followers?"

She crossed her arms on the table and my eyes immediately drifted down to see her arms flex as she did but I forced them back up to her face. 'Not the time!' I scolded myself in my head.

Her tiny grin told me she noticed. Damn, nothing slipped past this woman.

However, she looked over it and answered me. "It wasn't always pretend. That person was actually me once. That's what happens when you grow up in the public eye, I guess." She propped her chin on her hand. "I started doing all of this when I was young and it was only for fun. A kid just being a kid, you know? But then my content blew up and as I grew older, it was only natural for me to change, to discover who I really was. But the thing with people online is that they don't get that. They think we're a fraud or we went off the rails if we suddenly change things up."

I looked her in the eyes as she told me more about it.

"And before I knew it, I had an image to uphold. A brand to stick to. I was no longer that bubbly, excited kid from a decade ago but my audience didn't know that. I don't feel like I'm fake 'cuz that was who I am. But not anymore. And it might be tiring but it's worth it. I may be playing a character online but if that person inspires young girls and boys and is their role model, how could I take that away from them?"

Listening to her speak made me regret every awful thing I've said about her. A wave of sadness washed over me and as much as I wished I could reassure her and tell her it's not true, that everyone would support her, I knew that wasn't reality.

So instead, I said, "Would you ever show who you really are?"

Her perfectly threaded brows creased as she pondered over my question. "Not anytime soon. But if it gets too much, maybe then I'll consider doing it. But until then," she looked down and then back up at me with an honest smile. "I'm happy just sharing the actual me with the people in my real life."

~*~*~

Opening up to Bea was the easiest thing in the world. Those warm eyes, that curios look, the way she hung onto every word I said, giving me her full attention, it was inevitable that I would spill my heart out to her.

And it looked like I had the same effect on her.

She told me more about her life back in the Midwest, her family, her thoughts, dreams and so much more that I didn't expect to get out of her on our first 'date'.

As she spoke, I studied her face and mannerisms, wanting to know every single detail about her. Her expressive eyebrows, her stunning eyes, her smooth skin and soft lips. The way she pronounced certain words and how her accent got stronger when she was angry or talking something she was passionate about. The way she would roll her eyes but her cheeks reddened when I teased her or said something flirty. How her nose scrunched when she giggled, the way her eyes crinkled when she smiled.

Fuck, that smile. I'd do anything she told me to if she smiled at me like that.

"Hey, I know I said I wouldn't use my phone today," I began and I saw her give me a worried look. I quickly continued so she didn't get the wrong idea. "But I really want to take a picture with you. Is that okay? I won't post it, I just wanna keep it."

I saw her disappointed look instantly turn to relief then shyness.

"You wanna take a photo with me?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "You look really pretty and I just want something to remember you by."

I wasn't sure if she would agree but then she reached into her purse and handed me my phone. Grinning broadly, I moved beside her and lifted my phone up.

"Is this okay?" I asked, moving an arm around her waist carefully, making sure she wasn't uncomfortable.

She simply nodded and when my hand touched her, I felt her shiver which only made made me smile wider.

The cups and plates piled on our table, customers walked in and out, the sky darkened, a hundred songs were played and the second hand on the wall clock travelled the same path thousands of times as we continued talking and yet, our conversation never died.

I had never connected with someone so fast and it surprised me just how easy it was for us to just talk.

It was getting pretty late and we decided it was time to leave. Before standing up, I jokingly asked, "Anything else before we leave?"

To my surprise, she replied, "Just one."

"Yeah?"

She smiled. "You're alright, Lombardi."

~*~*~

When we made it back to campus, V walked me back to my dorm. When I said she didn't have to, she still insisted which was really sweet of her.

"Plus I get to spend more time with you," she said teasingly while lightly bumping shoulders as we walked side-by-side and I felt myself smile.

We stopped outside my dorm room and admittedly, I had no idea how I was gonna say goodbye to her.

"Here we are," she announced.

"Yup."

She took a step towards me cautiously as if I would move back. I didn't.

I stared at her as my stomach filled with butterflies. Everything about her was painfully gorgeous and it made my heart ache. I knew she was attractive but now that I got to know her, to actually see her, it made it hard to believe she was a real person.

She was perfect.

One hand on my hip, she leaned forward and bent down, face inching closer to mine. I closed my eyes, here nearness making me light-headed and the smell of her perfume fogged my thoughts. My heart was hammering in my chest.

I expected her lips to meet mine. Instead, I felt it on my cheek but my skin still tingled from where her lips touched.

"Good night, beautiful," she whispered with a small smile and a longing look in her hazel eyes. "Hopefully you don't glare at me the next time you see me."

She stepped back but I instinctively reached out to hold onto her wrist, preventing her from moving any further. I shook my head. "No."

"No?" she looked at me, confused and I could sense the hurt in her voice.

"No," I repeated. "No, that's not enough."

I pulled her into me and crashed our lips together. The moment our lips touched, I swear I saw stars. She pushed me back until I was pressed up against the door with her body. She trailed a hand down my thigh and hiked my leg up to her hip, making me groan.

I sent a mental apology to Zoey if she was in and heard all this.

"God, I don't know what you hold over me," I muttered between kisses. "Yesterday I didn't like you and now you have me against my dorm door, making out with me."

She pulled back, breathing heavy and gave me one of those sexy, relaxed smile. "Well, I am an influencer."

Veronica grabbed onto my other leg and lifted me up. Arms wrapped around her neck and legs locked tight around her waist, she kissed me again.

"Ohh! V!"

I moaned as she bit my bottom lip. My whole body was burning with heat and everywhere she touched ignited me further. One hand moved to grip the side of my neck while the other rested on my ass.

"Are you in love with me yet?" She said into the kiss and pulled away again, looking at me proudly with a genuine smile on her face.

"Shut up," I grinned and tugged her head back so our lips could meet again. This time, in a slow, sweet kiss.

And you know what?

Veronica Lombardi wasn't so bad after all.

(More fics!)

#did writing this make me fall even more in love with veronica?#absolutely a 100%#veronica x mc #veronica lombardi #veronica qb #qb #queen b #qb choices #choices #choices: stories you play #pb #pixelberry #playchoices #qb fanfiction #choices fanfiction #thanks for reading!

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destiny-smasher · 5 years ago

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“But I can't walk on the path of the right, because I'm wrong.”

So, The Last of Us Part 2 is out. It’s about 25 hours long. I’ve played it. I loved it, but it’s got its flaws. I think the hype buildup was overblown, and I think the zealous hate from the leaks was also overblown. This is a beautifully produced game that is trying to do much more than the typical AAA game tries to do, and in so trying, it’s messier, muddier, and more complicated than its predecessor. I love it for that, despite my issues with how the game ultimately resolves things.

I think Naughty Dog was either intentionally misleading audiences (which, given the marketing, is possible) or perhaps Neil himself has a different concept of the game he directed than what was actually delivered. Despite how it was advertised, The Last of Us Part 2 is not inherently about ‘hate’ or ‘revenge.’ It’s not just a revenge story.

It's a story about empathy, about how human beings and their interactions have layers, and how we are better when we extend blind empathy to others instead of blind hatred. I gotta talk about this. SPOILERS FOR THE ENTIRE GAME to follow.

Seriously, final warning for SPOILERS.

This game is simply too big, too complex, and has too much going on for me to write a single piece going over everything there is to talk about, but there are some things I need to say that inherently rely on discussing the entire game in a spoiler-filled way.

Let’s start with the most noticeable thing that has hit me over this game’s reception: people like Joel way more than I would’ve expected. SO much of this game’s negative reception seems to be over Joel’s character and the circumstances around his death. I was not at all surprised that he died - I was a bit surprised at when and how he died, in the moment, but even by the end of the next scene, it had washed over me how much sense it made. He died in the same way everyone else dies in this series. He had it coming in the same way anyone else in this world has it coming. He was never a hero. If you truly look at Joel as a ‘hero’ figure but don’t extend that same logic to Ellie and Abby, you do not make sense to me.

I’ve seen a LOT of hate getting thrown at Abby, and frankly, I do not understand it, and if you hate her but do NOT hate Joel or Ellie similarly, then I inherently don’t respect your opinion? You’re being blatantly biased and unreasonable in exactly the way this game is arguing you should not be. Straight up. Get your transphobic jokes the fuck outta here. Get your homophobic takes on Ellie and Dina the fuck outta here. Get your xenophobic complaints about the MUCH more diverse cast of characters in this sequel the fuck outta here. The ONE case where I could see a reasonable thing to be conflicted about is Lev’s character, because they are a transgender kid who gets deadnamed by some NPCs. As a transgender person, I personally found this to just...make sense and feel organic to the world, and none of the actual characters in the narrative with names or roles in the story ever deadname Lev. Lev is fucking precious and I love him, and I think his inclusion adds inherently more to this game than otherwise, despite the understandable conflict some might feel about his backstory. To ME, the fact that all of what Lev goes through and how Yara and Abby do what they can to look for him, that says to me, “protect trans rights” and I am glad it is there. Trans people have to deal with that shit sometimes, I think it’s fine having it be PART of a wider narrative. It doesn’t define Lev’s story, it doesn’t dictate the plot of the game, it’s a spark that sets some events off and I think that adds more than it could potentially take away, as does the overall representation in the game.

Getting back to this element of bias, though, I get that you “went on a journey” with Joel and Ellie in the first game. I get that. But you spend about as much time with Abby in this game as you did with Joel in the first game. And I see a lot of people are SOMEHOW totally fine and chill and cool with Joel going on a murder rampage in the first game, specifically killing at least one man who was specifically trying to save humanity - they cite that Joel is a morally gray person who has done bad things and is trying to become a better person. Sure, cool, OK. And Ellie, sure, ya’ll will think her going on a bloodthristy revenge quest is cool, fine, A-OK, because Joel was murdered. But somehow they are physically incapable of extending that same empathy to Abby, even after the game bends OVER BACKWARD in every reasonable way it could. Why is this? One person tweeted at me the simplistic, reductive idea,

“ I know the sensible thing that naughty dog was aiming at was that we'd feel sorry for abby and eventually grow to like her, but for me I just don't. I loved Joel and I love Ellie. They didn't kill anyone who I loved as a character. Abby did. “

At least they’re being honest with themselves in that they literally missed the entire point of the game. You having personal bias you cannot remove yourself from does not make for “A DEEPLY FLAWED STORY” or whatever the fuck people have been tossing around.

I personally don’t buy any of that bullshit until we get into the final hours of the game during the epilogue, but we’ll get to that.

Everything in the first 20-ish hours of this game felt organic and believable and completely in line with the first game to me, and the fact that ALL OF IT happens as a direct after-effect of Joel’s selfish act at the end of the first game really contextualizes how/why it was called ‘Part 2.’ So honestly, all of this nonsense about this sequel being ‘badly written’ is just...bonkers. I will agree it’s not some master class in writing - neither was the original game. But both games are very similar in writing style, tone, and the world presented is consistent, while character motivations are realistically complicated. Naughty Dog has never been great at plot, but the real quality of their work comes through in how much effort they go to in order to present realistic feeling worlds and characters, and from the environments to the actors to the extra animations on top, I think the details and the context they create are where they shine.

To better understand where I am coming from with this game, let me lay this on you.

During the scene in that basement, when Abby shot Joel in the leg, and Ellie shows up...I realized what was about to happen. Ironically, it was exactly what I had originally predicted was the thing going on WAY back when the game’s reveal trailer was dropped -- that Joel was dead, and was motivating Ellie’s revenge quest. If you’ve read what I have written of Arcadian Rhythms, you will have some idea of my feelings on Joel and Ellie’s relationship -- in short, I think it is complicated, and just as damaging as it is good. That’s real life. That’s how reality is for many relationships, especially ones between parents and their kids, especially in my experience. When I realized Joel was about to be murdered, my feelings and thoughts were not jumping to ‘oh fuck what an asshole I wanna kill these people’ or ‘oh no not Joel’ but rather, my immediate gut thoughts were ‘yupppp Joel kinda deserves this, he literally did this to who knows how many other people, but why are THESE people, specifically, out to get him?’

When Ellie later cites to Dina that there’s ‘no point’ in speculating as to why these people murdered Joel, because it could be for one of many possible reasons, I found that to be interesting -- Ellie herself acknowledging that Joel had fucked over many other people, while still pursuing revenge herself.

I do think the theme of ‘the cycle of violence’ is very core to this game and arguably is its strongest central theme, specifically because violence in wholly integrated into its gameplay. But narratively and structurally, empathy is, I would argue, even more paramount. This game spends about 12 hours of its runtime (so about half of the entire game) actively trying to encourage you to understand, relate with, and empathize with Abby. The developers COULD have had you swapping back and forth between both characters, which might have resulted in better pacing, but I think it would’v taken away from what they were going for. It’s that long, slow burn that makes Abby’s side of the story work, in much the same way the long, slow burn of the first game does what it does, and the way the long, slow burn of Ellie’s revenge quest helps us see just how far gone she is.

But “arghh I hated Ellie she kept making bad decisions that made no sense” some of you say, “they did her DIRTY” some of you say.

No.

Joel did her dirty.

The Fireflies did her dirty.

And it’s this exact concept -- that our actions and choices have consequences and ripple outward beyond what we can initially imagine - that is at the heart of why I think I love this game so much. Most video games depict a pool of water that is either a constant whirlpool, a raging clash of waves, or stone dropped in the middle and the ripples spreading out. The Last of Us Part 2 is more like a series of ripples all happening simultaneously, and not all of them are as apparent or even important, but it’s just...a bunch of ripples all happening all over the place.

And it breaks my heart, during 2020, a year when human rights, systemic racism, a worldwide pandemic, late capitalism, and entire countries submerged in protests because their government is fucking them over...has people shutting off or refusing to turn on their empathy to anyone outside of their bubble. In 2020, when the world needs empathy more than any other year I’ve experienced in my life thus far, a game like this goes SO FAR above and beyond what most games try to do, in a very risky and controversial way, to actively invite its players to fucking STOP AND CONSIDER for a damn moment that there’s more to the world than JUST YOU and what you care about. That your actions have consequences beyond your singular perspective.

Ellie is fueled by rage for a number of reasons, and we don’t even understand all of them until literally the final moments of the game, which I found to be appropriate as it ends on a note of reminding us that there is ALWAYS something we don’t know, something we don’t understand, motivating someone else’s decisions.

Ellie was robbed of agency, of purpose, by both Joel and the Fireflies. Joel robbed both Ellie and the Fireflies of their purpose. And the Fireflies robbed Ellie and Joel of theirs. In return, Ellie is left without purpose, and all she’s really left with is a broken man who desperately wants to be a dad again, to the point that he will murder and lie to hold on to that. Don’t get me wrong - I don’t necessarily hold it against Joel that he murdered people to save Ellie. I will always defend the idea that it was a fucking selfish decision that would realistically lead to consequences. But in the same way Marlene points out to Abby’s dad, ‘What if it was your kid?’ ie ‘What if it was someone you loved?’ I get that, that’s the beauty of how the first game ended. It presents a zero sum game where there is no ‘correct’ choice that everyone can agree on, but in the back of our heads -- and Part 2 actually states this as a point of fact -- we all know Ellie would have CHOSEN to sacrifice herself, had she been asked.

So it was deliciously realistic to me to see Ellie grappling with the frustration, distrust, and anger of Joel having not only robbed that purpose from her, but having lied to her about it. And in the end, it was also wonderfully realistic that part of why she hated Abby so much was that Abby inadvertently robbed her of her chance to try and rebuild and repair that broken relationship.

But here’s the thing, though - the thing I see fucking NO ONE talking about, and I can’t decide if it’s because no one is picking up on it or what.

Both Ellie and Abby are haunted and driven by broken men making selfish choices. Their selfishness keeps both characters kind of locked in to desperately grasping at violent acts to justify a purpose.

Some will play the flashbacks with Joel and will feel warmth and nostalgia and admiration. Some will play the flashbacks with Owen and feel disinterest or disgust because ‘why should I care about these people?’

For me, I couldn’t help bu draw parallels to how both Owen and Joel were men trying to be good, you know, not being specifically evil people, but men who were a bad influence on the women around them, who were great and good and charming and all that until things didn’t go the way they wanted, pushing and prodding with passive digs and pressure to reaffirm their own hopes that despite their mistakes, they’re ‘good men.’ Owen is admittedly much less well developed in this regard, partly because his arc just isn’t as deep or interesting, partly because he didn’t exist in the previous game. But I still could not quite shake it. I grew up with men like Joel and Owen as my father figures, so there’s personal bias there.

I literally had an actual nightmare that woke me up in the middle of the night partway through playing through this game because Joel was in it and I said or did a thing he did not like, and his reaction spooked me awake, in part because I LIVED that growing up. (not murder, but violence, passive aggressive manipulation) I absolutely adore the depth given to Joel’s character, that he has LAYERS to him, and I loved seeing Tommy similarly expanded upon. (him passively prodding at Ellie to try and make good with Joel felt a little manipulative, given that he KNOWS what Joel did; and even his wife’s prodding at Ellie at the game’s outside to ‘make good’ with some old jerk who seems all expectant about being rewarded for basic apologizing, ech)

Last of Us is a horror game, Part 2 even moreso, but it was the feeling of men like Joel who do bad things and then try to justify them after the fact that actually creeped me out more -- all the more creepy because I KNOW Ellie and Abby will give up on better choices to try and ‘do right by them’. I was relieved when Abby began to break free from these old, poor choices, even shortly after making more fo them during her half of the story. This brings me to another fascinating aspect of this game: how Abby’s story is a combination of both Joel’s and Ellie’s.

Dunkey (of all people!) recently praised this game and compared Ellie’s and Abby’s narratives to TLOU1 and Uncharted 4, and I agree with him in a lot of regards, there, but I think what the team was more going for was for Abby’s story to feel like a combination of Joel’s and Ellie’s while simultaneously being directly impacted by Joel and Ellie’s story.

Abby grew up in a military community, even though she expressed an interest in science -- just like Ellie. The death of her father drives her on a quest for revenge -- just like Ellie. She does some horrible shit to people all in the service of trying to protect a kid as some desperate attempt to feel better about all of the bad shit she’s done -- just like Joel. She starts to let herself be empathetic to other people and tries to become a better person because of the kid she takes under her wing -- just like Joel.

In a way, you could argue Part 2′s overall story is kind of repetitious. Ellie’s quest for revenge is a bit too narrow-minded and blind in her rage, and Abby’s story kind of recycles many components we have already seen up until that point. I think what’s there still generally accomplishes what it set out to do: get us to question and try to understand why people do what they do, and consider our own place in that cycle, in those ripples.

I think many aspects of this game that look circumstantial on the surface are not accidents.

I think the recurring imagery of water is an allegory for how we can let rage, anger, and hate drown us. The game’s title starts with a boat drifting in water, and the title changes after the ending to a boat that is beached. The Seattle arc shows a gradually increasing focus on water flooding the environments, culminating in a big rainstorm with crazy waves. The final fight sequence (which tbh I hated but we’ll get to that) takes place literally IN water, involves Ellie trying to drown Abby, and ends with the two of them going separate ways in their boats.

I think it’s no accident that Abby and Ellie’s desire for vengeance is ultimately caused by the same specific moment, and I think it’s interesting that many people seem to skip RIGHT OVER the idea that Ellie feels such a deep sense of rage at Abby killing Joel only because Joel made the decision that caused Abby to kill him in the first place -- and the good and bad that came from that. It’s just a brilliantly complicated web, I think, and that further highlights that none of these characters are inherently good or evil, which is pretty much the entire point of this world in the first place.

I think it’s interesting that both Ellie and Abby grumble insults all of the time over the people they’re killing, and both try to justify their violence with thoughts like “well we’re better then that, we don’t do THOSE kinds of things,” which is, ya know, literally the kinds of mental hoops actual real human beings jump through to justify doing bad shit to each other.

I liked the idea of the trading cards until fairly early on when I found the ‘Dr. Uckmann’ card, which...made me roll my eyes a little at first, until I read the description, which then made me feel more actively uncomfortable than maybe anything else in the entire game, to be quite honest. Partly because it rang of entitled self-importance, but partly because of the reports of Naughty Dog crunch culture.

And on that note, let’s talk about how this game arguably crunched its employees way more than it needed to while simultaneously making its story more bloated than it needed to be.

Don’t get me wrong, I love indulging in more STUFF than it required. I can totally see the appeal of writing extra stuff to a story like because you can, because it’s interesting, because it’s fun to MAKE shit. But when you are a AAA game development studio who is potentially crunching your employees into burnout, maybe a fairly pointless epilogue on top of a game that is already arguably a bit too long in the tooth is...maybe not the best way to go?

On the upside, I enjoyed playing the Santa Barbara location, I loved getting some more Abby/Lev time, I liked seeing Ellie a bit older, I LOVED the scene at the farm with her, Dina, and JJ. I loved the gameplay challenge that was the Rattler’s base. I loved that this game had noticeably larger environments to explore.

But tbh a LOT of content could’ve been cut from this game to make a smoother, better paced experience while simultaneously putting less strain on the developers. I do think the extended flashback sequences focused on non-violent gameplay is important enough to justify itself, but I think a lot of the more violent or unnecessary parts of the game (like the entire sequence on the Seraphite’s island and the Santa Barbara sequence) all feel like...EXTRA? Which on the one hand is great because hot DAMN more beautifully rendered locations, content, etc. but on the other hand I’m not sure it adds as much to justify the real life pain and misery I’m sure some developers went through to create it all, and in a way, it doesn’t quite justify its own existence if we’re being critical.

I get what they were going for with the Seraphites and the WLF but neither group is developed enough to really accomplish the goals of empathy. I think focusing on specific members OF those groups is better, because that is ultimately how real life people break down their walls of bias, -isms, etc. -- they just interact with and befriend people from these groups and realize organically “oh hey we’re all...people, huh.” The game’s attempts at naming NPCs and dogs don’t do much when the game actively rewards you for killing them (speaking of which, I played on Normal and there were way too many items imo, we’ll see how that is on higher difficulties). We could get into the role of violence and gameplay but that’s a WHOLE other can of worms.

But the Rattlers in the final act are even worse. After this entire game of being actively encouraged to empathize with other people from other groups and let yourself consider they aren’t evil, the game just...shoves an objectively worse group of people at you, asks you to murder them, and then...discards the whole thing without a second thought. I found this to be fun from a gameplay perspective (sorry Neil, playing your game actually IS FUN when you put so much work into making the violence fun to engage with) but I found it weird and frustrating from a storytelling perspective, as if the whole thing was an undercooked, unfinished final act that they cobbled together because they just...wanted enemies with helmets and an environment depicting southern California. Hell, tbh I don’t even get why Ellie had to be there other than the developers didn’t think players would be OK just...letting Ellie live a life in peace on a farm or that players would be OK NOT playing as Ellie at the end and letting her beat the shit out of Abby.

I actually LOVED the farm sequence, it felt so...weird for a while. Like you’re just waiting for the hat to drop. And when it does...it’s just PTSD. And that felt right. That felt good, that even though Ellie was spared, after all the shit she did, because she let go and spared Abby in return, she got to live this peaceful life...except life’s not that simple and old scars can still hurt.

I loved when Tommy showed up and we got to see that darker side to him we KNOW has been there this entire time, but Ellie maybe hasn’t been forced to see it. All the way up until this point, I felt I could understand where the characters were coming from and what motivated their decisions.

And then Ellie decided “no, actually, maybe if I throw all of this away I can maybe get rid of this PTSD I got from throwing everything away before.” And then it got worse when after she breaks into this fucking slave house to free people, after she saves Abby and Lev from dying on posts, she STILL wants to fight. ANd Abby’s where I’m at -- that ‘fucking REALLY?’ feeling. I utterly disliked the fight scene in the water. It was the one time in the whole game that actually felt like misery porn to me. I was honestly going into it expecting that maybe Ellie’s stab wound from the trap would cause her to be too weak to fight, and she’d literally drown from bleeding out because of her own unrelenting pursuit of revenge. But nah, we’re put through a pointless, brutal fist/knife fight that...doesn’t really have purpose imo. WHatever you wanted to accomplish here, you could’ve done back in the theater in Seattle. (on that note I LOVED the Ellie boss fight, what a fun gameplay thing and also just tense all around since you really couldn’t tell what was going to happen, but I LOVE that Lev stopped Abby from killing Dina, even though she had every reason to)

I can imagine different versions of the Santa Barbara sequence that offer a more edifying conclusion while still working in the environmental and gameplay components they seemed insistent on working in. It’s the one major portion of the game that, now that I’ve had time to process, I feel the most conflicted about.

Neither Ellie nor Abby “deserve” a happy ending in much the same way Joel didn’t “deserve” a happy ending. This game has no true protagonists or villains (anyone who is presented as a ‘villain’ is minor, and we don’t find out much about them anyway). I think Joel was lucky to get the time he got to live in community once again, to rediscover his humanity (look at all of those flowers they left at his house, this man who fucked over humanity and murdered countless people had a chance to live a few years of peaceful life again), I think Ellie was lucky she got time to even live what she did on that farm with Dina and JJ, and was lucky to still be alive at the end of the story. I think Abby was lucky to have been able to break free from a life of militaristic bullshit and rediscover some of her own lost humanity.

I think a lot of people admire Joel as a hero when it’s clear he was never one.

I think a lot of people admire Ellie and try to idolize her as the smarmy kid she could never permanently exist as.

I think a lot of people hate on Abby for EXISTING (and being a woman -gasp- WITH MUSCLES) and I’m pretty pleased with Laura Bailey getting to play this role (and Ashly Burch getting a supporting role in this game, too, for that matter).

I think The Last of Us is not ‘about Ellie and Joel.’ I think The Last of Us is about humanity, and exploring it through different angle. Sometimes needlessly gritty and dark ones, but Part 2 gave us even more light-hearted, pelasant moments than I could have expected. I think people who look so reductively at this game -- now officially a ‘series’ -- as ‘Joel and Ellie 100x forever’ and literally anything outside of that being bad and a waste of time fundamentally missed the entire purpose of this game, ironically ignoring what it is trying to passionately to convey. I think Naughty Dog’s marketing of the game actively misled people in ways that are rare for the industry, and I do think that is a bit shady - but on the other hand, being misled actively improved my experience with the end product (which is arguably why they did it). I think the way Sony has latched on Joel and Ellie as ‘Playstation Icons’ and encouraged people to buy up TLOU merch depite there not being much TO turn into merchandise says something.

Also? Frankly?

I am SO FUCKING TIRED of “angry sad dad” games.

Like. I loved TLOU 1, I loved the new God of War, etc. etc.

But God of War took basically NO RISKS and had NOTHING TO SAY that countless other pieces of media have said to death. That’s fine, there’s nothing wrong with that, I really enjoyed it and look forward to the next. But this game actually has challenging thoughts, complicated things, it is trying to get players to consider, and most everyone I see shitting on the game either hasn’t played it or doesn’t seem interested in games that exist for something beyond making them feel good about themselves? I dunno.

I think at the end of the day, TLOU as an entire series, and specifically the sequel, isn’t about Joel and Ellie, that was just the more focused lens the original game had. For its messier, muddier experience, Part 2 strives for nothing more than many pieces of media have but for something that is still rare in the space of AAA video games.

It takes some risks, it makes some missteps in getting where it goes, for sure, and it’s by no means some holy gift to mankid, but it passionately goes to GREAT lengths to explore and express a fairly simple idea:

empathy is a choice, understanding others is a choice,

and we are all inherently better off when we choose to blindly accept understanding than when we blindly choose hate and violence.

Just because we can’t walk ‘the path of the right,’ and just because ‘we’re wrong’ doesn’t mean we should let the phantoms in our lives continue to keep a hold on our future. Just because someone does some good things doesn’t erase the consequences and ripples of the bad they have done, and just because we do bad things doesn’t mean we can’t do good.

The way to end the cycle of violence is empathy.

It’s simplistic in concept, but if you look around at not just the reception to this game even before people could play it, but just the STATE OF THE WORLD IN 2020, you will see that maybe we still need such basic, simplistic concepts to continue to be explored in big budget media.

#tlou part 2 #tlou #The Last of Us #The Last of Us Part 2

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popculturebuffet · 4 years ago

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The Loud House Reviews: Schooled!

Season 5, and regular coverage begin! The loud house finally moves into a new year chronologically: Lincoln and Co move up to Middle School but find themselves seperated when LIncoln accidently signs up for the wrong class and ends up with a mean teacher and frienemy chandler, and then ends up commuting to a Canadian school instead. The Canada part is more believable than a middle school not having multiple teachers for multiple subjects frankly but more ranting on that later. Meanwhile in order to get Lori moves on to college only to find every dorm is a comedic set piece, and Lynn Sr and Rita try to get Lily ready for pre school by potty training her. Finally in all this chaos Leni ends up attending pre school. Again still more believable than the single class thing. Ramblings about well guess, how amazing it is the show has lasted this long in this day and age, my thoughts on Lynn Jr being kind a obnoxious. 50% chad and my lessened hatred for rusty. Which again I assure you is more believable than the single class nonsense. Back to School, under the cut.

Welcome readers new and old to regular coverage of The Loud House! Couple of reasons for that. The first is, like amphibia, so I don’t fall behind as I tend to procastinate and let episodes of shows pile up, and i’m tired of it. The second is that I feel we need more Loud House content on this site that’s not loudcest, people shipping sam and lincoln soley to try and get back at the show for having a gay couple, and some weird stuff I can’t quite unwrap because i’m old. And keep in mind I understand 50% chad just fine.. look at him.

So yeah I have a feeling young or old, i’m not the only one scared to go int here and hopefully I can give ya’ll something fun to look forward to or worth sifting through it.

Now i’ve covered the show before.. 4 times in fact, having covered Brave the last dance as a one off way back and having covered ALL THREE SALUNA episodes during pride month. So check those out if you want my previous thoughts on the show as a whole, my faviorite character and her special lady, and me ranting about rusty/.. and we’ll get to him. But i’ve got a lot to talk about, some of it not directly about the episode so pitter pat er let’s get at eer. The first thing I want to talk about is.. how big an occasion the show is. It’s not only at 5 seasons but it recently got renewed for a 6th and still has a movie on the way.. as I hope so does rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles.. please don’t let that movie have been canceled, that show went from okay to leaving me wanting more of my mad dogs... but yeah getting back on track they’ve offically reached...

And that’s.. incredibly rare ESPECIALLY for nick. I mean yes spongebob will never die, and the fairly oddparents died way after it should’ve, but for the most part nick is a giant tire fire of dickheads when it comes to running a network. They have an absolutley ghastly habit of canceling a show as soon as possible, and if they already commissioned season 2 shuttling it to sister network nicktoons to die a quite death. They expect every show to become an overnight sucess, or else and it’s a freaking disgusting practice. And it’s still going: I mean just to bookend it, around the same time loud house started, we got the utter classic Harvey Beaks. The show had a sizeable audiences and what kids I showed it to loved it but because it wasn’t doing spongebob numbers Nick shuttled it to nicktoons then yelled at it’s creator for daring to be upset they you know.. moved his show to their designated graveyard without telling him and ended the show without giving them notice to change the ending. The final episode still WORKS as a final episode, but it wasn’t INTENDED to end on a bittersweet note and I blanme that on nick. The bookend part comes from the fact that about a month before this Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turltes ended it’s run.. on Nicktoons, with no fanfare and like Harvey fans likely only knowing thanks to scheduling, had it’s final season cut in half so they had to rush the pacing of the final few episodes to wrap up as much as they could, AND the cancelation reason was the always reliably stupid “low toy sales” excuse. The odds of a show surviving on nick, nevermind thriving are very slim and even outside the nightmare factory that is my once beloved childhood network, most animated shows last around 3 seasons. Disney channel usually cuts htem off around 4, and cartoon network around 3 if their that nice, with utter classic OK KO being one of the latest victims of the cancelation bug, and steven unvierse only got a 6th season after essentially being canceled and having to rush the ending, only THEN getting to go back and fill in the cracks with Future and the Movie. And unlike fellow network loved show that’s gone on for a while, Teen Titans Go, the Loud House is still a pretty good show. It has it’s bumps, we’ll talk about some of them here and i’ve talked about em before, especially the “”With the casagrandes mini” which could’ve easily hurt said show but thankfully didn’t. It’s grown, going from being about the one boy among ten girls to being about all 11 kids, AND their parents and making earnest attempts to make once hated characters like Lori and Lola fully fleshed out.. it’s been more 50 50 with lynn, but more on that later. My point is the show’s tried to evolve, to grow out of having a simple status quo and actually let things change and it’s refreshing when a lot of comedy shows refuse to. The show CAN be hit ore miss in quality, but hte misses have become less cruel and the hits have become that much more impactful.

Not only that but the show surivived the seeming impossible of it’s creator being revealed to be a sexual harassing creepy asshole who hopefully gets his dick sanded off for all eternity when he invetibly ends up in hell or whatevers next. Screw him but good on Nick for firing him swiftly, one of the few times in the last few years i could really say that about them and not be sarcastic, and good on the crew for carrying on easily without him.

My point is.. it’s nice to not be attending another show’s funeral. After rise and then venture bros, it’s NICE to have a show surivive and carry on and decide NOT to rest at this stage and stay in it’s comfort zone but shake things up a bit. It’s nice in this stinkhole of a year to have something to celebrate, and yes i’m aware a back to school specail is ill timed, for obvious reasons, but it was likely in production long before covid and I can’t fault the writers for wanting to give kids an escape, nor for doing the quarntine special earlier to help them talk through it. So congrats loud house you earned it. Now that’s out of the way, the not resting thing.. the thing that has me covering the show, and had me exxcited for this episode.. is that they decided to shake things up a lot by moving all the kids up an age and moving Lori up to college. And what makes this work.. is this wasn’t something they just sprung on the audience. it would’ve worked with that after 4 years of the same age and general stuff.. but season 3 started setting it up with Lincoln and Clyde’s middle school visit and Lori’s college interview, both things i’ll likely cover ventually, while Season 4, after the mini series, had most Lori episodes focus on getting her ready for it: From her senior year, to Leni realizing she’d be gone and being panicky over it, to her working to get a car, which she rides off in this episode. The show dedicated one of it’s few arcs, and probably the only non-romantic one outside of Ronnie Anne and Bobby moving to their spinoff, to this.

They were all in on this and there was no turning back, and shaking up the status quo like this is a risk as some viewers fear change and run from it like cowards> Me.. I loved it. I loved the idea of taking Lincoln to a new school, giving him and his friends new stuff to do and new challenges to face, having Lori move away, have Luna learn to drive, have Lisa enter kindergarten, Lily say more etc. And there’s even things I didn’t think of that two upcoming episode synposis suprised me with: birthday episodes, though it’d be best to spread them out but i’m hoping strife of the party isn’t the only one, and the power vacum: Can Leni take over for Lori.. should she? Should Luna or Luaan try instead. Do they even want to? it’s all good questions. It’s a simple but small change that helps change up the show for the better, opens up new avenues while not salting the earth for the old as demonstrated by half of the upcoming episdoes for the next two weeks being ones that could’ve been done at any point in the show.

So yeah my hype was at maxium, helped by the fact I love one hour specials of shows: “Change Your Mind” “Reign Storm”, all three ducktales have done so far with “Let’s Get Dangeorus” likely adding to that list.. it’s usually a great time for shows to go all out, show waht they got and tell deeper stories. So the big question all this has been leading up to: what did loud house, 5 seasons in,k with a clean slate and tone sof potetial do with their premiere? Well let’s take a look shall we? This episode is divided into 4 plots, one of which is really a plot inside a plot but still technically 4, all centered around school starting: Lincoln and Co have their first day of middle school, Lori is moving to college after all that setup, and Lily is finally old enough for daycare. And Lynn Sr is having a slow motion breakdown at first, he gets out of it quickly, because understandably he’s feeling mealcholy about not only having all his kids in school but having his first leave him. Sure he still has a full hosue but it’s still rough having one of the few constants in your life , a chaotic life at that go. So each one focuses on one of them. THe fourht if your curious has Leni accidently end up in Lily’s pre school and is comedy gold. More on that in a minute. This is actually one of the episodes problems as only Lincoln’s plot and Lori’s plot feel like they naturally dovetail, while Lily’s plot feels like an eleven minute episode that was bootstrapped to this one either to get her into daycare faster or to pad it out to an hour along with parts of the Lincoln plot. It’s till not a BAD episode, but it dosen’t feel quite as cohesive as it should, or as big in scope being an hour long, with most of the loud kids outside the four with plots not getting more than a cameo, though Lisa gets to be the best part of LIly’s plot, and Lynn.. we’ll get to her. It’s not great. I do GET why they did this, as trying to focus on ALL of them at once is nigh impossible and it let the stories breathe better, but it still feels weird that none of them have a reaction to lori being gone and frankly I think the stronger story would be to have had lily potty train LAST season, and then focus this on Lori leaving, the family adjusting, and have Lincoln’s middle school woes be the b plot. Now granted we have a full season to rumninate on her absence, and how it effects the others, so it’s not the hugest lost, but i feels like a waste of the extra time to just pile three episodes into one when a half hour could’ve done the same and saved you two half hours for later. It’s not terrible, but it could’ve been better. Now i’m done moping about the special as a whole for a second let’s break down each plot one at a time.

The A-Plot: Lincoln Took off to Canada the Other Dayyyyyyyyy The plot is very simple and the adds and summary sadly telegraphed it.. which didn’t help because it’s very clear from the episode Lincoln getting sent to canada is a wacky twist and not supposed to be in the adds. I mean I can’t blame them it’s in half the episode, but it still would’ve been funnier if they kept it as a suprise. And yes if you didn’t know about this episode LIncoln gets sent to canada which is somehow not too weird for the show. So Lincoln and Co are starting high school. And now’s as good a review as any to TALK about Lincoln’s supporting cast. I did a bit during my review of Brave the Last Dance but feel it’s a good time to talk about them again update opinons and what not. I do feel like they sometimes blend into each other a bit much and shine best when one of them is given the spotlight to play off the others instead of all playing a supporitng role. It’s why I like “Pasture Bedtime” and “brave the last dance” so much: They let the characters breathe while still giving one some extra focus. As for each indivdiually.

Clyde as I said there i’ve come around on: Early on how tolerable he was was a coin flip: he could be an adorable, somewhat awkard, sheltered kid but one eager to help his friend with his various schemes, as he is now only with a love of baking which is even better. But he could ALSO be a creepy little bugger who either had a freaking anime nose bleed and fainted when Lori was around, or tried to break her and Bobby up, Bobby who is not only the nicest character on BOTH shows in general but was extra nice to Clyde despite all this. Granted I think my boy was too dense to realize Clyde was being a one man asshole parade, but still. It dosen’t help that with Savino’s later ousting for doing the same shit but as a grown ass man. Thankfully he has done a complete recovery and the Lori bit was thankfully dropped and with Bobby gone, he couldn’t hurt my baby boy anymore, so they moved on to other parts of him. Plus I love his dad’s not just for the obvious being gay dads but for being good characters in their own right.

Stella is easily my favorite of the group, i’ve gone on about her before and Haley Tju does a wonderful job with her, and she feels a bit more three dimensional than the rest of the non-clyde members of the group. Not fully, but still a bit more than the one trait they get and hopefully like our next one up and clyde, she actually gets to start showing up outside of lincoln’s friend squad team episodes.

Liam is easily my second faviorite. I”m aware he’s not the most complex boy: He’s a farmer, and he knows how to tame animals.. that’s about what he’s used for.. but he’s a sweet enoguh kid he makes it work. And frankly said trait works for him because shockingly, out of all of lincoln’s non clyde friends he’s shown up the MOST in stories not involving Lincoln, and even in one of those lately not involving hte rest of his friends. No really, he popped up in racing hearts in season 3, and Senior Moment and Snoops On Last season. It’s not a TON of episodes overall but compared to the rest of them it’s very noticable and I love it. More please.

Moving on to the ones i’ve bitched about... Zach. Yeah.. my thoughts can best be summed up as this.

I mean.. Lincoln’s friends, even the more cheerful ones are capable of feeling defeat and pesimsim, if you want one to downtalk people you have rusty, and “has a tatoo , likes antqiues and belives in cryptids” aren’t really great quirks. If they did more with them or used them OUTSIDE of his episodes sure, but otherwise .. why is he here other than not wanting to explain his absence? Sure he plays off rusty.. but Stella could easily do his role as that and even then they don’t use him for that enough to really justify being him around. Either have a point with him or quitely write him out.. Star Vs, for all it’s flaws, leanred this as far back as season 2 with alphonso and ferguson, AND when people qutestioned where they are actually brought them back to properly write them off and gave them closure in the episode they gave the rest of the echo creek cast the same. Just pick one. And if you want him to knock rusty down a peg fine, just do so. And now Rusty.. my old nemisis.... and things have changed. Do I still LIKE Rusty? nope. Just.. nope. I don’t. He’s still a skeezy little idiot.. but I realized that unlike LIam he at least has a purpose in the group: He’s the Micheal Kelso. Granted UNLIKE kelso, they don’t go the extra mile and have his friends poke fun at him, but this isn’t that kind of friendship, and with Lynn now around more and Chandler now likely going to be the same, there’s more opprotunites for someone outside the group to rightfully insult the little moron. And if their not going to.. I realized I could. I realized I ENJOY insulting him, taking the piss out of his unjusitfied ego, and just having fun making fun fo the little goober. And more than that.. I realized he DOES have redeeming qualities. He’s a genuinely good friend, he loves his friends dearly and has no trouble showing affection despite his misplaced swagger. I may mock the kid, and I will again.. but he’s not a bad person and will likely grow out of being a dipweasel, just not on screen. I realized having a deep abiding hatred of him just wasn’t good for me when simply mocking him constantly does the trick. There are other, more important things to get pissed about. Rusty isn’t that important. But he is good joke fodder and unlike the show with Zach I refuse to pass up an opportunity.

But yeah now that’s out of the way, the basic setup here infuraties me. It’s for mildly stupid reasons, but ones i’m going to go to bat for: Lincoln dosen’t get into the same class as his friends. As in their still treating this like elementary school and having everyone in the same class for every subject. That.. that’s not how middle school works. that’s not how any of this works. They don’t lump groups of the same kids into one tract of classes, even electives like cooking or forced ones like PE, which thanks to my autisim I was allowed to attend a diffrent kind of PE that wasn’t an utter fucking nightmare. And you may say “Well Jake your a near 30 blobby shell of a man and things change” which is accurate but they haven’t changed that much. Girl Meets World was only 6 years ago. And while they DID have Cory as the only real teacher they USED, he was still shown to be their history teacher and it was lampshaded sometimes how he wasn’t their only class. And yes I know a lot can change in 6 years, the hellscape we’re in proves that, but just simply ASKING my middle schooler nephew if this is still how that works.. and yup it is. Now it could be diffrent by region, but for the most part the conseus seems to be on diffrent teachers for diffrent subjects. And again as Girl Meets World shows, it’s not THAT complicated. Just have one teacher you use for everything or have a home room. Why do this, why. Just why exactly. Why. You barely used actually in school classes for plots anyway and mostly did stuff around the edges like crushes or lunch or dodge ball. Speaking of which where is Girl Jordan. Where IS she? Anyways, my point is this, especailly as a ned’s declassified school surivvial guide on this very network,f fan really annoys me and takes me out of things.. And the thing is they COULD’VE still done this plot just had the gang all adjust, not just lincoln, to not being in the same class togehter. Have them have to do various classes WITHOUT having each other to rely on. You could even have chandler and mr. bohlmer show up. But the way they do this just..d osen’t really make sense and just feels lazy. And if there were good jokes i’d be fine with his but their aren’t. IT’s just a mean teacher and Lincoln being picked on by a moron for the first half while his friends struggle to function without him. It’s just sad and not in the well written, well thought out way. Then we get to “This needs to be an hour” portion of the plot as again the above could’ve EASILY worked for the full hour but because they instead went with this, they had to think of something else... and went with something bonkers that at the very least is entertaining: Lincoln, after convincing his teacher for a transfer, which I did like as he uses his head: He sees his teacher wants something diffrent for lunch and paper airplaners her a cupon for his dad’s restraunt then talks himself into an off campus lunch to talk her into a new class.. and winds up transfered to canada as she well meaningly did so he can’t get out of. And while I thought this was just wacky exageration having him commute.. turns out .. nope. While I don’t know if any school would actually have a student commute to Canada rather than jsut stay there turns out Royal Woods is in michigan and Michigan is across a lake from Ontario.. so yeah.. they did their geography research but not their middle school one. Weird ain’t it? Anywho, I ended up liking this portion... and not just because it has canada gooses, which means i can use this.

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And if you have a problem with Letterkenny you got a problem with me and I suggest you let that one marinate. But yeah we get an ENTIRE number playing into canadian stereotypes and it’s clear this show is rather than using them for a cheap laugh just exagerating things for fun and a slight nudge to canadians, who I clearly love. It feels less like “oh ha ha canada” and more like if the great white north was stretched over 15 minutes but still worked.

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It’s just good fun. And they also again have an entire musical number full of canadian sterotypes and expressing love of this great country which I hope to visit some day.. and possibly live if this country countinues to get worse. It just feels nice and more creative than the first half. It’s still not FANTASTIC, but it works somehow and Ic an’t explain why. Eventually LIncoln tries to get kicked out, fails then plans to blow the hockey game for everyone and calls on his friends to help, sending them all to canada wh ere they get lost in the wilderness. There is a funny bit where Stella’s gps literally freezes over and zach acidently smashes it as well as Rusty’s “Moustache” one pathetic hair because why should his moustache be anything else freezes off. and given even with me being less vitrolic his suffering is my catnip I enjoyed it. We also get a cute sequence of them runing the ice and rusty failing at anything because of course he does, while Liam both tames a moose and slathers them in grease to swim across because of COURSE he does. Of course he does. IT’s just a refreshing jolt of energy after the first half. But we do get a really damn good scene after htey fail.. besides the fact Rusty’s head is frozen, which would be funny even if it wasnt’ happenign to rusty, that just makes it go from chuckle worthy to giant uncomfortable laugh worthy, where Lincoln gives up: They’ll still be firends and he’ll still come visit but it’s best he just adapt to his new life instead of try and fight so hard against it and he’s starting to enjoy canada. It’s a well acted and sad scene that ends with a huge hug from clyde and another bit we’ll get to in a second. But because having LIncoln in canada would be hard to maintain for a few seasons, and because as degrassi shows me the odds of him getting nearly beaten to death, caught in school shooting, stabbed in a parking lot or ending up in a kevin smith film which back then was a treat but now is a coin flip, are very high. Seriously he dosen’t want to end up in moose jaws, he instead gets banned from canada for three years for refusing maple syurp... which is also fucking hilarious just for it’s sheer rediculousness. Who dosen’t love canadian maple syrup? So the ballance is restored, Liam has moose now, and Lincoln actually gets the trailer heat turned down because he asked.. this plot was not very good as I made clear and drags the specail down and it’s in part because there were other joke and character opprotunites iwth ACTUAL middle school and instead it just comes off as another episode of “Smack lincoln around because tha’ts funny right” and wastes good opprotunity. It’s not all terrible, the canada jokes worked becuase they felt like they were in good fun and more a loving jab at canada instead of just using stereotypes for sterotypes sake, and given the loud sisters started as basic character achtypes it fits the shows tone. So canada part good the rest a huge disapointment. Also before we move onto Lori: Lynn.. was utterly terrible this episode. The girl one, obviously. Lynn Sr is usually a delight. Yeahhh while I don’t hate her like some do, I do find her to be REALLY hit and miss: she’s either an enjoyable additon to the episode, an intresting lead.. or an obnoxious nightmare who makes everyone around her suffer and is used for gross out gags.. which if nothing else it’s good their using a girl for it but it dosen’t make it actually funny? And here she’s Hall Monitor and a giant terror to everyone INCLUDING THE PRINCIPAL and it feels like a waste.. other episodes have had her be lincoln’s mentor when it comes to his shift to middle school and when the time comes where that would be utterly useful... she’s instead just a jackass because they coudln’t think of something better to do with her and it’s another disapointment. The B-Plot: Lori Loud and the Infinite Comic Set Pieces This plot was better but likely would’ve worked better in a shorter episode to me if i’m being honest, but it’s grown on me the more i’ve thought about it.. plus it has Bobby!

I haven’t really had a chance to mention it since most Loud Houses i’ve covered are after his exit and he only really shows up in lori episodes and I haven’t covered the Casagrandes yet.. but I love this idiot. He’s sweet, charming, kind, a good boyfriend, a good big brother, and a caring individual. Sure he’s dumb as a box of hammers, but he’s a good kid and post season 1 he and lori have good chemstiry. And he was easily one of hte biggest draws to the spinoff for me which has fleshed him out nicely with his work at the Mercado, showing he is good at something. He’s just a great character and i’m glad to see him back on the mothership, even if he doesn’t do much and at most just keeps coming back to help Lori move at a moment’s notice. But it feels less like her being selfish and more like him being selfless: Sure she’s asking a lot.. but he probably gets that moving away from home and into a strage place is hard for his lady and just wants to help her be happy and settle in. Because he’s the best.

As for why Lori keeps moving part of it is the fact that the dorms at fair way are insane comic set pieces and I am here for it. She starts out at the silent dorm, which just.. no. No on that no. Then moves to the driving range dorm which is exactly what it sounds like and is a hilarious hurricane of balls. “Sigh” Archer if you would.

And the sand trap dorm, which just has a giant bunch of sand in the closets for some reeason.. presumibly to keep darth vader away. And yes I get it’s supposed to mimic a sandtrap but theni t should be all around like the other dorms. It’s goofy, it’s dumb.. and I can’t help but laugh at it and the fact that Fairway apparently is so intense about golf they train students via having them live on certain hazards like this was an anime... and I would totally watch a spinoff about lori that was her undergoing anime golf battles. And I hate golf. Plus put bobby in there.. he can be on two shows. Make it a diffrent world but with dragon ball z golf battles. But eventually Lori comes crying home after breaking down, like any college student living away i’m told.. and that’s where the dovetail I mention comes into play. Lori overhears lincoln’s pep talk and decides to go back and face the exesntial nightmare that is her dorm life, giving her brother a sincre hug and thanking him for uknowingly helping her. It’s a really sweet moment. It’s why her plot works for me.. it has the emotinal weight that feels lacking from the main plot. It’s a bit repetitive, but frankly that’s the show’s bread and butter at this point and i’ts more a case of which repettition works better sometimes. That one moment saves the plot form being unwatchable and Lori moves into the water hazard floor of the dorms, and is finally ready. And while at first I thought the exagerated dorms lowered the punch of things.. it really dosen’t. From what i’ve heard Dorm life isn’t easy, and being away from home is even harder. My mentally anxious self would’ve broken down within days. Their just taking it up twenty notches because loud house. The real issue is lori being homesick, which I do feel could’ve been handled better, but for what hit is it’s okay. Not as good as it couldv’e been but still better than the a-plot. But it’s a nice bit of character stuff: it shows usually in control Lori out of her element and trying to adapt and hopefully we’ll see more of her this season in that context. And more of bobby, may he reign forever. Okay one more.

The C and D plots: Leni and Lily Go to Preschool This one won’t take long, thank god. Lily goes to preschool, the loud parents, after some empty nest.. enjoy having the house to themselves for the first time in years. They actually have TIME with no kids and just the two of them to goof off and, presumibly off screen, boink like rabbits.. granted that’s how they clearly usually do it given they have 11 kids but still. But Lily gets sent home for popping herself, and they have to teach her to go it’s eh aside from a few bits. As I said Lisa is the best part of this as Lynn Sr and Rita yank her out of school, with Lisa responding to Cheryls worries abotu her missing school with a dry “I think i’ll be fine without finger painting”. The resolution, or at least the start of it, is genuinelly clever. Turns out Lily KNOWS how to use the potty, she just dosen’t want to go to school yet, and the Loud Parents.. actually take this well, confronting her with it but gently, understanding she may not want to leave the nest and letting her stay.

Meanwhile Leni ends up in preschool in the shuffle of not having Lori around to guide her one brain cell. Which is honestly hilarious and her outfit for the episode is fucking dope.. I honestly wish she’d wear her hair in a ponytail more often and the jacket is nice. I wish this was her new outfit.. like they could make it green so she’s not stepping on Lola wearing pink, but it’s a nice change of pace. But yeah it’s hilarious, especially since neither she nor the actual professionals notice and it has a nice bit of subtext on tumblr noted: She may be regressing, or simply enjoying little girl school because she misses her big sister and it’s easier than navigating a scary world without her best frined. To dig into it a bit myself we’ve seen in previous episodes that Lori is her rock, who she goes to when she has a problem in her solo episodes, who she relies on. Sure they fight over a closet but they depend on each other. We saw how worried Leni was about loosing her last season, and now she’s lost her and dosen’t know what to do without her. It’ll be intresting to see more of. Or it’s because while she’s a capable young woman she’s also as dumb as a box of hammers like her future brother in law> you make the call. Eventually Leni gets sent back, and bemoans missing all the fun of preschool.. which gets Lily to go as she gets a trampoline, and the nest is finally empty.. also Leni goes back for a few more bounces. Yeah I love this kid. She’s sweet, kind, and hilariously moranic and voiced by LIliana Mumy who along with Carols is easliy part of my stable of voice actors. So yeah the family’s moving on, etc etc, and this review is finally over. Final Thoughts: This episode was okay. It reaks of wasted potetial, but it’s a fine enough one hour, it jsut couldv’e been MORE with such a long run time and the lily and leni bits would’ve fit better in a seperate episode. It’s not TERRIBLE but it’s just an okay start to the season and a waste of good stories and good laughs in places. Still the show’s had worse, it’s just okay overall. Not TERRIBLE but it could’ve been FANTASTIC. Next week Leni deals with the lori power vaccum and Lincoln and Clyde snoop on the neighbors. Until then you can find other loud house reviews on my blog, hit me up iwth an ask for suggetsions or a dm to comission an episode you want to see me cover and until then, GO TEAM VENTURE. Play us out servo

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jalebi-weds-bluetooth · 5 years ago

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6 Weird Tracks of IPKKND

Version: What were the creatives thinking? - wait - poor guys and women knew what was happening and with the way ITV (Indian Television) works, we know who might have stuck their nose and ruined things #ilovenandsupportwritersandcreators #letIndiantvcomeinseasonsandworkwonders

TL;DR The Taming of Lavanya Kashyap

- Why dress up as Khushi 2.0? Why forget that Lavanya is a damn suave working woman? (Saved by Lavanya & Khushi’s friendship).

The Whole Arnav-Is-Murderer, Suicide, Arnav’s Misunderstanding Reveal Track

- Arnav, an atheist, would murder his wife because of astrological implications in his birth chart?

- If a woman is convinced that her husband can kill her, it’s not funny.

- Suicide is NOT funny.

The Kidnapping Track

- Khushi as Bond? Replacing petrol with water (no... I know she can save him but no...)? The hut? Masala Mama? Private Detective?

Let’s do Rasam & Suhaagraat Attempt 1.2

- When logic was missing in both of their heads.

- Also, there’s a DIFFERENCE between DISCOMFORT and being BASHFUL.

Aarav - Arnav 2.0

- When the whole family thinks it’s cute to tell a woman how her husband’s ex’s child looks similar to her husband. Aww.

The Mrs. India ‘Contest’

- The dresses, ‘rounds’ and Khushi’s amazing disbelief in herself. Wasn’t this the same woman who once said that life is not measured by a mere challenging win and loss to Lavanya, Sim & Pam? Was this not the same woman who was proud to be the way she was? The curious case of Khushi losing her intelligence *cry* And every 4 Lions show post this has had fantastic fashion sense... why?

The Taming of Lavanya Kashyap

Alright, before anyone gawks at me let me put it out that I know this was Indian television and this was the time when the poor writers were kind of forced to make this show more family friendly as this romantic (and initially dark) show was aired on Star Plus and not Star One.

So I don’t have a problem with the idea per se. In fact it’s a fantastic, clever and ingenious way of getting Khushi into Shantivan. What I have a problem with is with the values they impart on what being a woman is.

Anjali, for me, is the quintessential sanskaari yet lovable character. She smiles and is elated at the thought of tradition. Although she complains and pushes her brother to follow rituals - it’s all done in light humor. When things get serious, she is more concerned about the grey aspects of his life and is painfully aware that her brother is still haunted by the shadows of his past.

So perhaps after crafting a character who can be adorably traditional yet sensible, it puzzled me to no end as to what crap in the world was Khushi teaching Lavanya; tea bags v/s tea leaves, marry if you want the man to stick with you, marriage is the only important social marker of a woman (?), no man wants to marry a modern woman so dress up like a bride to be seen as a bride (wtf). And alright, we can excuse Khushi on the fact that she has been raised in a highly conservative society, it’s extremely troubling when ASR tells Lavanya to chose between being at home or working in the office (if I am wrong, please correct me). All of this could have just been more... appropriate. Yes, Lavanya turning out as this lovable, slightly goofy yet terribly honest and perceptive woman stole my heart. I loved that part from the bottom of my heart. But the journey to being there - not too much.

- I would have loved a scene where Khushi would get to know Lavanya. About her boundaries. Her lifestyle and upbringing in London (? - she gives NRI vibes). The way her family isn’t connected (the gasp everyone has when Lavanya says she isn’t connected to her cousin is NORMAL, people don’t keep connections), Lavanya’s own struggle to rise in the fashion industry and her eventual friendship and love to ASR. This scene would give growth to Khushi to not judge a woman by the length of her skirt and Lavanya too that just because Khushi came from a conservative household does not mean she’ll keep her judgements.

- ONE scene where Khushi would have asked the family to change Arnav, just as Lavanya is changing for Arnav. It would be nice to see the Lavanya and Khushi growing protective towards each other over time as this is the first time either would be making honest friends. And a nice mirror to the society’s refusal of changing their boys (we had Balika Vadhu at the same time so this wouldn’t be too difficult. If going religious then men too should idolize Shri Ram and be virtuous if they expect all the women to be Sitas).

- Lastly, a mature conversation about Arnav’s reluctance to marry (not the weird Shivanya Sharanya - marriage does not guarantee character or fidelity - *cough* Shyam Manohar Jha *cough* Arnav’s dad?). Lavanya’s worry should have stemmed from Arnav’s reluctance to marry her. [One wonderful scene to throwback is when Anjali quickly perceives that her brother is not so much against marriage as he is against marrying Lavanya - the first time Tu Hi Bata Mere Maula plays].

#thissectionrantisover

The Whole Arnav-Is-Murderer, Suicide, Arnav’s Misunderstanding Reveal Track

What in the Lord’s name was that? I... I don’t have words. First of all Khushi believing that a clearly atheist Arnav married her because of astrological errors in his birth chart? Just because she saw it on news? There’s one thing about Khushi being cute and other being idiotic.

Also... I did not crack a single smile when she imagined Arnav to have poisoned her tea or smother her in her sleep. The belief that your husband can murder you for his own benefit is VERY TROUBLING. This is what a lot of spouses fear in a relationship where there’s constant domestic abuse. Maybe I’m being picky because I’ve seen a lot of victims terrified, truly, because of how their partners could kill them and it is far away from being hilarious.

Nobody in a marriage should be convinced that their spouse can kill them - if they are convinced then this is RED FLAG for something serious. It’s never funny.

And oh dear, Khushi trying to attempt suicide. WHO THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY? I refuse to believe the writers weren’t intelligent because from whatever little I’ve read from Gautam’s thoughts and interviews - he’s an amazing intellectual with the sharpest of minds and someone who knows and is sensitive about mental health among other things. And in fact as what phati-sari (a fantastic IPKKND blogger) said, writers are paid and trained to bring great things on the table.

So yes, for whatever reasons they know best, this scene was off the hook. I could not laugh and felt like there was a stone lodged in my throat for all of the episodes. A person attempting suicide is NOT funny.

And honestly it didn’t make sense that in front of Arnav’s eyes Khushi was going to commit suicide because she believed Arnav loved someone else and then he thought that of course, she totally does not have feelings for him.

The fight - independently - is fine. I get it that something explosive had to have happened for Arnav to spill why he married her and I so sorely wish it was something else.

The Kidnapping Track

So by now you know that I don’t blame the people for how they handled the track because unlike Western content Indian television shoots for 12-16 hours daily, hats off! So the writers, actors, production - all did their best.

Again, NO problem with the idea of getting Arnav kidnapped - AMAZING. And may I say I was a little happy to see him get into such a big trouble because she told him to believe her and he didn't. Sorry, I am evil.

The biggest problem is everything else. While it’s amazing to see Khushi and Manorama unite in this crisis, it was a cringe fest with Khushi and Manorama all going Detective James Bond over this. On top of that Masala Mama and the Babli hangover was... pointless?

If anything, I think this would be a great time for Khushi to realize all the lies that could have been fed to Arnav. Like of course Arnav saw them on the terrace, but how could he have been so sure that Khushi loved Shyam passionately, was ready to have an affair until these vile thoughts were supplemented by Shyam?

A good time to fester Khushi’s hatred for Shyam to an extent that she doesn’t follow the typical Indian code of avoid-your-molester-and-keep-quiet-of-his-harrassment. Also, instead of having Akash and Payal as separate components to this story, it would have been great if Akash and Payal started having doubts on Khushi’s marriage on the first place.

It would be great if Akash already got a sense of Payal hiding something and he would keep on reassuring her with the belief she could tell him anything and then when the Shyam thing blew up it would have explained that Akash would have supported Payal and Khushi had Payal trusted him.

Anyways, it was wonderful to see Khushi rescuing Arnav - a nice knight in distress and damsel in shining armor. I liked the dreams they shared - the Teri Meri was stunning and hot and I was in no hurry to see an awkwardly executed consummation sequence where honestly the tension fizzed and both looked like they were drunk to perform near rapey scene (honestly the closeups were weird, the ones where you can see both of them kinda looks hot). Also, the logic to keep your wife buried in hay in the middle of nowhere and not attempt to keep running - ?

And I wish she once told Arnav that she knew he was in trouble because if everything was normal, he would have not said it. He preferred to not see her face in most occasions. *angst*

I honestly loved the initial things that Khushi was doing - her fear, inability to not think of anything except Arnav, logging London hours and times of his meetings, suspicion on the one man who hates them both - everything a woman can do when everything seems ‘normal’. The desperation totally built to a full blown making out session whenever they would meet.

I am pro Arnav Khushi consummation - duh - like if they literally did it in the boxes after that nose touch and intense eye sex while hiding from all the goons - yup, do it in those boxes!

Let’s do Rasam & Suhaagraat Attempt 1.2

There are many ways to propose to your husband to marry again. Telling him their marriage is invalid because they didn’t do rituals and hence might end up being inappropriate to the society - talk about a turn off.

This also happens after they’ve shared a bed, shy moments, and consummation attempt 1.1 (ugh, the hut). Also I think Arnav is experienced, at least more knowledgable than Khushi when it comes to sex so I think he would get consent?

There is, again, NOTHING FUNNY about teasing your spouse to have sex when they’ve NEVER had it and are VISUALLY TERRIFIED about it.

Arnav, you know foreplay - the dancing, Diwali, nose brushing by boxes while goons run around, the passion dancing at your *weird* Honeymoon (bang worthy moments) - SO WHY FREAK HER OUT!

It hurts because Khushi looks so damn gorgeous in those curls and red/pink ensemble. It’s also weird because just for those moments Khushi turns into a passionless, freaked out woman.

It’s very natural. I just so wish it was mutual attraction and Khushi putting a pause to the consummation despite her body’s desire to do so because she wants to marry him and wants to have some beautiful memories associated and probably knows what’s her status in his life cause he does interchange “you’re my wife” and “you’re nothing” often.

Also, never got the Radha Krishna reference. They’re the paramount of love. So... the topic of remarriage could’ve been stronger with Akash getting Payal a marriage gift for their six month anniversary and Khushi getting afraid of that because we all know what’s going to happen at the end of six months.

Also this episode hurts because both Arnav and Khushi look so hot. He’s in his black best with the perfect amount of gel to let a few stray hair strands flicker and Khushi is *dreamy sigh*

Aarav - Arnav 2.0

I, for the life of me, could not understand this track at all. Khushi’s fears were made so dramatic and illogical that I honestly cringed the way she approached this. Like honestly she was panicking for nothing and ready to set her bags. (The moment where Arnav hugged her and told her not to leave was very sweet, but apart from that everything was very weird).

The revelation was like one weird sudden fact build up and I’m like... ok? And infantilizing Khushi in front of Aarav was very weird. I felt bad for Arnav over here. The way Khushi confuses him, confuses me to no end! Also what’s with the double standard of Sheetal being all modern and there’s no problem and Khushi looking very weird, dated and honestly immature as hell in front of her (I’m not going to talk about the embarrassing basketball scene, nor of Khushi being a peon).

What irked me the most was the whole family suddenly clinging to Sheetal and Aarav FOR NO REASON.

It’s like Sheetal became a part of the house FOR NO REASON. EVERYONE LOVES AARAV BECAUSE HE’S JUST LIKE ARNAV and Aarav has done nothing to be remotely attached to anyone so I’m just lost here.

Aarav is honestly very mean to Khushi and really disrespects her and I find it weird that his temper is praised - which can all evolve to problematic behaviors as an adult.

Aarav doesn’t know how to take no. Has issues in dealing with obedience, respect and is pretty disrespectful to women (except his mother) and nowhere is it even showed that things get better as he feels more acclimatized in the house but no he just has a sudden bout of ‘oh she’s my mum’.

I find this troubling because all in all Arnav was always immensely respectful of his family and especially the women in his family and we can say that true Aarav is also scarred on learning his ‘mother’ utilized him against a man he considers his father - who is not his dad... but, to stop rambling, Aarav had a lot of potential of growth too.

To think about it, Lavanya’s rudeness with the househelp (even after she was drenched in water) was immediately taken as that she’s a terrible human being and Aarav’s temper is taken as a great attitude.

Anyways, according to my head cannon I think Aarav grows up to be a sweet, fun boy who is highly intelligent, slightly naughty, introvert but internally loves his family to bits and pieces - like young Arnav.

The Mrs. India ‘Contest’

What happened here? What’s with all the ‘models’ and ‘trainers’ and Khushi’s self confidence? The way she keeps on repeating “I am no way close to the other women,” wait... when did she lose her self confidence or esteem?

*sigh*

Also Khushi was very blind over here, so much so that it felt like Khushi never worked in his company and never had a taste of working in a fashion house. Phati-Sari wrote an amazing alternative to this - you should check her Tumblr!

Notable qualifier:

Mr. I Will Bulldoze Your House Singh Raizada

Why did he think that threatening her paralyzed father, aged aunt and mother to face the fact that she was forced to elope to a six month marriage and basically now getting divorced which can cause her only family to suffer a heart attack romantic? I don’t know how she goes back home and is ok with it. The power play over here is kind of dirty and sad. ‘Cause the 24 hour track was fantastic, a pity to end it in this humiliating conversation - I wish another important one took place as well where they could sort out their things. It’s not romantic to coerce a woman to go home you know... *sigh*

P.S: I have the most love for this show and writers and creators! If you have some thoughts feel free to share. <3.

#thought #ipkknd #Arnav Singh Raizada #khushi kumari gupta #iss Pyaar ko kya naam doon #random ranter #probably not completely qualified to rant #oh dear #I love the show though

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gothsic · 5 years ago

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THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme.

fill out & repost ♥ This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm.

My muse is: canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless /

Is your character popular in the fandom? YES / NO. in his own head maybe

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK. lol what fandom does jo have a fandom here???

Is your character considered strong in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK. ???

Are they underrated? YES / NO. / IDK. jo thinks he’s underrated does that count??

Were they relevant for the main story? YES / NO.

Were they relevant for the main character? YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG.

Are they widely known in their world? YES / NO.

How’s their reputation? GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL.

How strictly do you follow canon? — Jo is the master of his own story so yeah. I’m following my own canon and whatever I come up with to a T ( unless some good suggestions in writer’s workshops or even here come up! ). He is the main character of my limited series pilot that I hope to write soon called The Insomnia Trap.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals. — Jonathan has many sides to him. The child of mixed Latinx parents and the youngest of three kids, he has had a relatively normal life ( save for early childhood, when he killed his mother by “accident” - should’ve mentioned that! ) and his very long goth phase in middle/high school, but always deemed himself to be on the outskirts of society. Because he was aware from a young age that he was simultaneously unwanted and unplanned, Jonathan came out of his upbringing with the idea that he never should have existed. This planted in him a very nihilistic, misandrist, and generally flippant view of the world despite pursuing his dream to work in comics and cartoons. Though he was hungry for recognition and dreamed of a world not on Earth, he often found himself to be a ghost wandering the streets of town, looking in on the people having fun in their homes without understanding why they were happy. His insomnia developed when he in his teens, though he still had trouble sleeping as a child after seeing his mother’s mangled corpse at the bottom of the stairs - his doing, of course. Whether he lives with the guilt or not is up to you to decide; it’s my personal feeling that there is a part of him, the human part of him, that feels horrible about what he did. He feels monstrous for it, in fact. This is part of the reason why, if he gets extremely close to someone, he warns them that he’s not a good person; the shred of good left in him. But he also feels his “metamorphosis” into the nihilist that he is today was inevitable, given that he was never supposed to exist in the first place. It should be mentioned, of course, that this nasty cocktail of things has not only stressed his insomnia, but he eventually was pushed into going to a sleep clinic to get to the bottom of his problems once and for all. He only encountered an extremely traumatic lucid dream that forced him to confront his past head-on. He was unable to save his rotting humanity ( D., a small girl that looked like his character Deirdre ), and was eaten alive by The Other, a creature that looked like a younger version of himself and eventually absorbed him into itself. He awoke, now in what can only be described as a constant lucid dream in waking life. He encounters monsters and hallucinations from his dreamspace frequently, and will sometimes see D.’s forest crop up in his backyard. To this day, he still believes D. is alive and well - and, of course, that the object of his obsession, the one person who ever understood him in his point of view, Annie Kaye, is going to one day return to him as he’s always dreamed. Sadly, she could want nothing less to do with his sorry ass.

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?). — Around the time that The Insomnia Trap was simply going to be a screenplay, I workshopped it every few weeks in my senior Screenwriting class in undergraduate school. The overwhelming response I got was that Jonathan was abhorrent, creepy, and the question a lot of people had was why we were following him versus Adri, his ex girlfriend who was documenting his struggles with insomnia. My only answer to this is that is the point - you aren’t supposed to necessarily like him, I instead invite you to understand why he does the things he does. I’m asking you to do something you don’t like, something that makes you uncomfortable, maybe. I don’t believe entertainment in any capacity should be forced to be all about how “great” a person someone is. He’s a horrible person you can observe at a safe distance, and pick apart - a real puzzle who has his nasty qualities and his strangely good qualities mixed into one. I’m not asking you to forgive him, either. I’m asking you to see him for what he is and judge him for yourself. Jonathan is a gigantic mess of things - he’s deeply traumatized, but has chosen to live a life where he’s given in to his narcissism and self-importance, and he’s deeply hurt many people in his life - the most obvious being Annie, whom he feels he “deserves” after suffering so much in his life ( sure... ). He is in many ways a deeply unlikable character, and I wrote him keeping this in mind. That said, he has his better qualities, though they’re few and far between, that I think can keep him human in the eyes of the audience ( his love of animals, guilt towards his mother’s death, his intense self hatred, his genuine love for his nieces and nephews and for children in general, etc. ). Since he’s the protagonist of The Insomnia Trap, I can only hope that he is a complex and interesting enough character to follow for audiences if/when the limited series gets picked up!

What inspired you to rp your muse? — Jonathan is based off of a very long personal experience I had, and I’ve always been fascinated by intense psychological horror. The two things came together, at first, when I was 12 and simply evolved from there. Originally, the project was going to be an animated flash movie that was divided into parts - but that of course never happened, I was too young and too impatient to ever do that. Over time, I ended up focusing Jonathan’s character, and he first appeared in high school - sophomore year, actually, in a different context. He’s been in development for a very long time, in other words, and I grew fascinated with a variety of different concepts over the years that got incorporated into his story ( doppelgangers, lucid dreaming, revenge, obsession, tragic protagonists, etc. )! He is one of the most intimate characters I’ve ever created, and I love him to death.

What keeps your inspiration going? — Music is a big one, there are specific songs I want to get the rights to use in the project if it ever gets made, and that really helps keep me focused on this blog and develop Jonathan further. Also, threading with my fellow muns and seeing how Jo evolves over time. What’s he capable of? Can he change? Is he capable of change, or is he afraid of it? These are questions that are asked with each character he interacts with, and I sincerely live for it. Also, drawing helps me out a lot too - maybe you’ll see The Insomnia Trap in webcomic form soon... just a thought!

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice? YES / NO / no idea honestly lmao

Do you frequently write headcanons? YES / NO / depends!

Do you sometimes write drabbles? YES - I also draw them! / NO, I HATE DRABBLES.

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES! / NO.

Are you confident in your portrayal? YES / NO / sorta

Are you confident in your writing? YES / HAHA NO.

Are you a sensitive person? YES / NO. / though i can handle critique, film school definitely hardens you to that!

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal? — I do. I’ve been explicitly told Jonathan is disgusting and totally unlikable by people to my face, and I have made leaps and strides to prevent my portrayal from going completely in the “this person is deplorable” category that was tempting to head towards. It’s easy to explore someone’s bad side rather than explore their good side, which I can forget about with him. That said, critique really does help me develop my writing further, and I desperately need it even if it can be hard to hear sometimes!

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character? — I love questions. If people ask me questions, I do my best to answer no matter what they may be. They can be challenging sometimes, but that’s what makes it so fun!

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why? — Sure, I’m happy to hear what people have to say. I may not agree with it, but hearing different perspectives is so important in my point of view.

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it? — As well as I could. It can be frustrating, but everyone’s tastes are different, so I don’t really take it personally and move on. I’m really here to do what I want to do in the end, as the rest of us are, so I try to prioritize that over any negative feelings I might have.

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it? — Again, I just let it be. I’m used to people not really understanding Jonathan or not caring for him while understanding him, and that’s fine! Everyone has their preferences for what they like in leading characters or just characters in general. He is a triggering character with very triggering themes, and I’m writing him from a very prolonged experience I had ( and it’s very cathartic ) so I can understand why people may not want to engage with him or with me. I’m perfectly fine with it and invite people to put themselves first, and I move on like I mentioned in the above question.

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors? — Yes! Please go for it. I literally do not proof my replies before I post them half the time so feel free to let me know if I misuse words or put commas/colons/semicolons or whatever out of place.

Do you think you are easy going as a mun? — I think so! I try to be open and inviting to everyone I speak to here, and always encourage people to come talk to me if they’d like to. No pressure though! Roleplay is for fun, and it shouldn’t be anxiety inducing or any kind of work - do things at your own pace here, that’s what I say ( though I’m trying to follow my own advice! ).

That’s about it, congrats for filling out!

Tagged by: @forseenclade !!. thank you flower... luv Tagging: whomstever wants to !! feel free to tag me so i can see !!

#DRAWN SO FAST I FORGOT I HAD IT IN MY SKETCHBOOK. - DASH MEMES.#( hopefully it makes some sense............................... any of this LOL )#( i went kinda wild on some of these )

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theperfectstormrp · 5 years ago

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“It is the quality of one’s convictions that determines success, not the number of followers.”

Remus Lupin

Age: Nineteen

Affiliation: Order Member

Blood Status: Halfblood

Career: Unemployed

RUMOR HAS IT… This quiet soul is hiding a huge secret. Could even say the secret is as big as the moon. Remus has always been one of the more reserved members of the marauders, but he never is too shy to tell his friends when they are doing something stupid. Definitely the only one with any real brains within the group of boys, this little moon child is sure to keep his distance from people and keep his secret close to his heart. Can he really trust that his secret will never see the light?

A BRISK SPRING EVENING: born to hope and lyall lupin on march 10th, 1960, remus john lupin was a happy and problem-less child; he hardly cried, never posed his parents any problems and often slept soundly. the family were happy. the lupin household peaceful. for the first four years. barely four years old, remus lupin slept peacefully in his bed, as he often did. the breakage of a window, their childs’ pained cries. the lupins’ awoke, and lyall ran to check on their son. that night, werewolf fenrir greyback broke into the lupin home and attacked their boy, inflicting him with the lycanthropy that he himself had. the werewolf curse. a payback against lyall , for labeling greyback a monster, worthy of only death. now his son was the very monster lyall so hated. a perfect revenge. the family visited healer upon healer, desperate for a cure, for their son back to normal. but coming up empty at every turn.

THE NEXT FULL MOON: still merely a child, four years of age, abandoned alone in the cellar, chained to the wall. confused and afraid. bad emotions for a werewolf to feel before a shift. you see, the wolf harnesses whatever emotions it’s host is feeling, and acts in accordance. negative emotions equate to a bad shift, leaving child remus lupin screaming in agony as bones break and rejoin and the wolf takes over. his parents away from the scene, hope lupin crying, her heartbreak over her broken son evident, wanting nothing more than to help him, but being unable. when he came to in the morning, remus sported fresh scars, cuts and bruises that he knew, even then, would never fade. a constant reminder. his parents had explained it all, the night of the attack, but the boy now understood the severity of his situation. he’d have no friends, no relationships. they were too much of a risk. he wouldn’t go outside of his home to play with the other children, he’d stay inside, read his books and have his schooling from home.

HOGWARTS: remus had thought that he’d have to pass on his hogwarts invitation, posing far too much of a threat to the other poor witches and wizards in attendance and far too afraid to ever hurt anyone. but headmaster dumbledore had reassured him and his parents that precautions were already in place. select teachers were aware of his condition and on the full moon he would be taken to a shack just outside of the hogwarts grounds, with special precautions in place to prevent trespassers an enclosed area with no way out, perfect for keeping the wolf in and away from everyone. his parents had allowed it, after some convincing of his dad on his mothers’ part, and the september following his eleventh birthday saw remus heading off to his first year at hogwarts. sitting in a far off compartment, book in hand and eyes glued to the pages, alone until he was not. accompanied by another boy, shy seeming, but friendly. peter pettigrew. both remus and his new found friend were sorted into gryffindor house, where they caught the attention of two seemingly loud and rambunctious first years. remus easily befriended them, and two quickly became four. remus told his three friends that his mum was deathly ill, explaining his monthly disappearances as visits to his home to see her. but by his second year at hogwarts, they had figured out the truth. afraid and panicked, remus was assured by all three boys that it wouldn’t affect their friendship. he feels indebted to them for not abandoning him, his fear of being abandoned less of one now that he still had them. FIFTH YEAR, james potter, sirius black and peter pettigrew dragged him into the forest, proudly showing off their new animal forms. disbelief struck. they had illegally become animagi in order to help him through his monthly ordeals. james, a stag. sirius, a black dog, and peter a rat. the four quickly adapted their new nicknames, labeling themselves the marauders, and the full moon became less of a chore and more something to look forward to. the pain still unbearable, but easier to deal with thanks to his friends’ company.

THE PRANK: the morning after the full moon was always one filled with pain and remus would often find himself overwhelmed with a wave of exhaustion and aches in his bones. but this time there had been something else, a thought stuck at the forefront of his mind: did i hurt someone ? it felt different, for the first time since he’d began being accompanied by the marauders, he was worried that something had gone wrong. it was a gut feeling, one he couldn’t shake. it had been professor dumbeldore that had informed him of what had happened: severus snape had happened upon the shrieking shack, witnessing the end of remus’ shift into the wolf. his heart dropped into his stomach, but before he could assume the worst, he was assured that snape was fine, sworn to secrecy and wouldn’t be telling anybody, and that he had been saved from any attack by james. though it was the news that followed that shocked him most. that it had been sirius, one of his best friends, that had taken it upon himself to tell snape how he could get into the shack. he felt utterly betrayed. he had never wanted his friends to know the truth about him, he’d tried desperately to keep that part of himself hidden. the part he so despised. yet they had found out, and he had been relieved; relieved to not have to lie to them, to not have to hide anymore. he had been foolish to trust that they would keep it hidden, that they truly thought nothing of it. and yet he had been made to be seen as a monster, like he already feared it was. one of the people he was closest to had treated him like a means for a petty revenge scheme, used him like a wand, all to get to snape for whatever reason. it hurt to think about. he was unconditionally loyal to his friends, grateful to them for not abandoning him and not treating him like the monster he believed himself to be. remus lupin has always had an immense respect towards his friends, even putting up with their incessant bullying when he didn’t agree with it, for them. perhaps that had been a mistake. he finds himself wondering now if they ever truly felt the same for him as he does for them. he’s unsure of what to do now, feeling the heavy tension between the group and knowing he’s part of the reason behind it. but betrayal is a hard thing to forgive and forget.

THE ATTACKER: the ministry fallen, voldemort in control. it’s the worst thing imaginable for anybody with a heart, and given the already terrible attitude against werewolves like himself, remus was terrified. the only werewolves truly safe were the ones on voldemorts’ side; he’d kill any others, his blood purist, racist ideals extending to half-breeds. the only one truly safe, that remus could recall, was one fenrir greyback. the very monster that had turned him into one to, for his petty revenge. there is nobody in the world that remus holds hatred for as much as greyback, tied alongside he who must not be named himself. remus had been an innocent boy when the curse had been inflicted upon him. he had done nothing wrong and wasn’t deserving of such a horrible life-altering change. he had despised his dad for the first few years, blaming lyall for his attack. if he hadn’t lashed out against werewolves fenrir greyback would have felt no need to infect his son, and yet he had. FEAR wasn’t an emotion he felt often in relation to another person, but if there were one person remus was truly afraid of, it would be greyback. and with him in line with the dark lord, who had just taken down the ministry, trouble was most definitely heading his way.

JAMES POTTER, SIRIUS BLACK, PETER PETTIGREW – His three best friends, his most trusted advisors, there’s nothing that Remus wouldn’t do for his friends. However, their dynamic has been especially estranged since the ‘incident’ at the Whomping Willow. Sirius could have made him a killer in his heated need for getting one-up on Severus, he can’t help but think in the back of his mind that none of the boys respect him as much as he does them.

FENRIR GREYBACK – The man who made him the monster that he is, there’s a loathing for Fenrir that’s unparalleled, the strongest emotion he’s ever felt. If he’d come face to face with the man on the battlefield there’s no telling just how far Remus would go.

SEVERUS SNAPE – There’s no way that Severus could have known it was him in the werewolf body and yet there’s a voice in the back of his mind telling him otherwise. If the man does know his secret he’s yet to spill it but paranoia keeps him on his toes, waiting for something that he hopes never comes.

FURTHER CONNECTIONS - BIOS REMUS LUPIN IS MENTIONED ON.

Remus Lupin is currently a TAKEN character with a FC of Tom Holland. FC SUGGESTIONS: daniel sharman, tom holland, chance perdomo.

#marauders rp #marauders roleplay #hp rp #lsrp #remus lupin #order #o #remuslupinbio #mention: james potter #mention: sirus black #mention: peter pettigrew #mention: fenrir greyback #mention: severus snape #taken #takenm

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commaless-a · 5 years ago

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*. meta - relationship with death

from my archmage’s bane meta:

then she fucking dies – and oh god, that’s a whole can of worms to unpack – she’s dead, when she revives she isn’t in her halfling body – and her relationship with death is VERY complicated: she thinks she’s expendable, especially because she’s in a body she HATES – she’ll fling herself in front of all of her friends, but at the same time she doesn’t WANT to die for the sake of her family – i wouldn’t be surprised if she’s desensitized to it, and that’d explain a lot about her taking the blow for jester, running on lava, and what she said before the dreadnought. “i’ve already died once – if i die again, at least it’d be with friends” – it’s a weird balance between “i’m invincible” and “i’m expendable”.

so, hey, it is i, your little goblin girl’s biggest fan - and i want to ramble about nott’s relationship with death for a hot second... so let’s get RIGHT into this!

tldr: why she doesn’t really care about dying: 1. nott has bad self-esteem and prioritizes her friends 2. she wants to be important to the nein 3. she feels her body is expendable 4. she feels invincible 5. she’s desensitized to the notion of dying.

what does she feel about death?: 1. initially, she’s ABSOLUTELY terrified. 2. eventually - she’s sort of... indifferent to it?

as we all know, nott suffers from an extremely low self-esteem - she doesn’t like herself, not in the slightest - though the reasons why have changed, over time. when it’s started: she’s hating herself for being a goblin, for having died in the first place, for not being pretty, or smart, or brave, or anything - just nott - someone who, in her eyes, is an untalented, waste of space who won’t amount to anything. and she takes this to an extreme level - she sacrifices herself for her friends no matter how badly she’s hurt or how bad the situation’s in, and it’s exacerbated with how often she’s called to check for traps and pick locks. even if she’s good at that - she’s terrified of the consequences that may happen when she fails - and as an alchemist, she’s used to thinking up terrible, worst-case scenarios. she throws herself in front of her friends and puts herself in stressful and deadly situations, all for them - because she believes she’s not worth much - that her friends are so much better than her - and she puts herself on the lowest rung of the hierachy. this ties into her passionate loyalty for her friends - she’ll stick up for them, defend them and be on their side, no matter what - but at the same time, she will fling herself into danger when they are in the way of actual physical harm - or will be in the way of.

now, she hates herself - not for being a goblin, though of course that’s still part of the reason why - but it’s now because of much more heavy reasons: for being selfish, being conflicted - and having been normal, before - she now knows very well she’s more than just nott - she’s brave and good with a bow and good at picking locks - but there’s a seed already planted in her head that she was once just veth - that once she was a normal, humdrum halfling in a family she loved and a culture she couldn’t get invested in - and it haunts her very much - that once this is over, once they defeat tharizdun and the chained oblivion and the bad people who hurt caleb and change herself back and fix everything - that she’ll be ‘just veth’ again, that she’ll be all alone again, with nothing she loves and nothing she cared about. she wants to be useful. she wants to be something special to the nein - wants to help her friends achieve their goals and accomplish whatever they want to do - and this definitely ties in a lot to her hierarchy way of thinking.

so, what have we learnt, with the relation of her self-esteem to death?

1. she doesn’t like herself; she believes her friends are more important than her, and acts accordingly 2. she wants to be special and important to the nein - and what better way than to do what she does best, putting herself into danger to protect them?

wait, though - there is so much more! like i said before - nott is in a goblin body - a race that she hates ( for a very good reason, of course ) - and i would be lying if i said that did not feed into her low self esteem. after all, this is coming from “they made me everything i thought i was - not pretty, not smart [...] just nott.” - and, again - with such hatred for her physical appearance, such hatred for her current identity - she believes that her feelings about getting into danger are perfectly justified: she’s not in the right body, so she doesn’t have to take care of it - she can do whatever she wants with it, her body’s expendable - and therefore it doesn’t matter what she does. this is a very unhealthy train of thought - this definitely lends into why she takes to drinking so easily as a coping mechanism - and that way of thinking definitely influences how daredevilish she is. it’s not a matter of being brave - sometimes, it’s just a matter of being reckless. of course, take note that i say her body - because she of course, doesn’t WANT to die - especially when in relation to her family, in the beginning.

with the matter of this current life being so much more exciting/dangerous that her odl life - she’s swinging into two extremes: fear and desensitization - of course, she’s fucking terrified - she’s the d&d equivalent of a rural village mother who’s been traumatized and tossed into a world where she suddenly finds herself with the need to fight to survive - but fear isn’t good - we know her relationship with fear: she doesn’t think it’s useful for her to do what she has to do with relation to her friends - that it stops her from doing things that need to be done: from fighting monsters, picking locks, checking for traps, infiltrating places they shouldn’t be in, etc, etc - so, instead, she swings onto the COMPLETE other side of that spectrum - she completely numbs herself to it. death scares her - adventuring scares her - but because of the, ironically, fear of fear, she pushes it down and makes herself numb to it - and coupled with her very, very normal morals - she often is up for violence - is vicious and ferocious and cruel when she fights. she’s hardly affected by other monsters dying - by humans dying - because they’re bad, and that’s just how adventuring is - sometimes you kill people that get in the way - and by extension, when it comes to her death - when it comes to others dying -

it’s upsetting to say that she’s grown numb to it, too - and it definitely doesn’t help, with the fact that the group has revivify and the very trivial way they treat death ( it’s okay, we’ll revive him later, it’s okay, i have a diamond ) - death feels impermanent to her. this can feed into the other reason - she feels invincible, and is very desensitized to death, at least, at current time. throughout the early parts of the campaign - nott is very quick to FREAK and run to stabilize/heal whoever who’s unconscious - and molly’s death carried such a heavy impact on her - but now, with the clerics having revivify, with the people being stronger - the only time she’s really freaked out is when caduceus dies - and the main reason for that was because she was the one who caused his death - not the monsters - but the fact that she had killed an ally - a friend.

and of course, she never gets to talk about that, because they sort of lost track of that - and so she buries all of that down and jokes about it - further solidifying that desensitized way of looking at death.

how does she feel about death, though?

death, to her - feels like everything and nothing at once. the impact of the hurt - the pain, the burning - it sends her into a flashback of the senses of her FIRST death of drowning ( which is of course the main reason why i’ve been comparing death to drowning a lot in a meta sense ) - but death is... nothing, like - literally nothing. no thought, no feeling - nothing.

and it’s weird.

of course, at first - she is absolutely fearful of death - which is fine, as she should - she’s a normal person who’s been tossed into the adventurer life. its terrifying - and how could it not? the sheer notion that something is so powerful that it can rip your life out from under you, that it could take away all of your life from you and throw it away, turn your life upside down - it’s happened once to her, and really, she doesn’t know what would happen if it happens again. downright fearful - especially with water: have you seen her scared of rain and water - when caleb goes into the bath and she’s so timid and sad when she says “i just got used to you and now you’re going to change, too”? it hurts to die - and when the prospect of others dying - of her dying, is brought up, she is fucking TERRIFIED.

being terrified of change and desiring control over her life - over her own narrative - is very, very integral to her character. but what about now? with the experiences she has - with the things she’s seen... how is she with death, now?

she’s gotten used to it - mainly because of how it’s treated around her - people revive dead people when they fall down - the sheer amount of times people have fallen but are perfectly fine in the end, she’s gotten used to it, unfortunately - with how often she’s encountered death in this career, compounded with the fact she’s died before - she’s beginning to think that death is... sort of - not a big deal, anymore.

death’s something tragically comfortable to her, now. at least death is constant - death doesn’t change, unlike how turbulent her life is. it’s uncomfortable, painful, stuffy, and she hates dying, still - but it’s in a weird way, dependable. she dies again - and though she dies in shock and in trepidation - she, eventually, embraces it - and it came to the point that she almost didn’t come back to life - that she was accepting it, that she refused to come back.

...but, of course - the two times she’s died, she was forcibly returned to life - which sort of just, adds a whole new layer onto ‘dependable’. how would she feel when she isn’t returned to life? probably panicked. i feel everything would come rushing back - like “oh. oh. i’m. i’m actually dead. oh no. oh no oh no oh no -”

so! there we have it!

#*. THEY’RE ALL SO SHIFTY. / META #( me overanalyzing nott: wow someone get her a goddamn therapist )

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the-ravens-wings · 6 years ago

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i love you too

(this is something very self indulgent and written on a whim. jeanne is def ooc but W/E. it’s not like nasu will ever give us any character development.)

I was blackout tired. It had been one long, seemingly never ending day in the jungles around Eridu. I was aching all over, and my ears were still ringing from Merlin’s constant babble all day long. Who knew one wizard could be so irritating? Jeanne and I were sent to Babylonia alongside Ritsuka and Mashu considering the levity and importance of the mission. Our goals were nearly separate, and we almost never worked together, but Roman felt it would be appropriate for at least one singularity, especially the most important one.

Jeanne mostly kept her distance from the other servants around. There was too much baggage after Orleans, especially considering her welcome was less than thrilling. She wasn’t the Jeanne everyone knew and trusted, and that showed. Most servants preferred to ignore her existence, leaving her to fend for herself in most battles, but others would go so far as to purposely injure her when fighting alongside her. She wasn’t needed in this war, they would tell her. It always broke my heart to hear that. Therefore, I knew a deep seed of discord lied between her and the other servants, and that she would prefer to keep her distance to allow this mission to run as smoothly as possible. As her master, I was obliged to stay by her side. Not that I minded, of course. Her side is where I preferred to be. She was my only friend, especially after being thrust into this master’s role, and we spent a majority of our time together. One could say the fondness we had for each other was deeper than most.

I could usually tell when something was bothering her, but she seemed distant recently. She was quiet whenever we walked, and would respond to commands with a less than enthusiastic response. We usually blended so well together in battle, forming one tight unit. I wouldn’t be lying if I said I was scared she was slipping away from me. The “avenger” class is so fickle, and so lost in it’s own hatred that she could have easily killed me whenever she wanted. It was an extremely dangerous, yet essential love we had for each other.

Despite the exhaustion begging me to collapse onto the grass, I went to find my servant, no, my lover. I wasn’t quite sure where she was hiding, but she disappeared after we ate dinner. I assumed it was because the others began to socialize and that was too much for her. None of them would so much look in her direction when conversation began, and the servants we had with us would go out of their way to avoid engaging her in conversation. The more Merlin and Ana talked, the more visibly uncomfortable Jeanne became. She eventually got up and left quietly, without so much as a word to me. Pride, I assumed, would not let her show the hurt she had. I should have followed her sooner, but I could barely move from the spot I was sitting in.

Fortunately, she wasn’t too far away. I found her cooped up, alone, by a large tree. She appeared to be curled up into a ball, at least from what I could see. That worried me immediately.

“Jeanne?” I whispered into the dark, even though I was sure she could have already sensed me coming. She turned her head at the sound, but didn’t make a noise in response. All I could hear was the sound of the animals restless at night. “Um… I’m really sorry about all of that... I should have gotten up sooner…” My voice trailed off. I was terribly unsure of myself still, and it felt like everything I said and did for her was a mistake. She was so complex and beautiful, delicate and fragile all at once. “You’re babbling again, Master… Didn’t I tell you you talk more than you think?” I swore I saw a small smile grace her features. “I’m sorry… It’s been such a long day.” I flopped down beside her. I was unable to stand up any longer. “I know, Master. I’m surprised you made it all the way over here to me without collapsing.” “Give me some credit, I’m not TOTALLY weak. Just… mostly.” I laughed, but she didn’t respond. Was there something rigid in her voice or was I imagining things? She didn’t seem to move from her tightly held position either. She seemed to be staring into space… “Anyway, Jeanne. I was worried about you…” I began, but she tensed up when I said it. “Why?” It was such a quick response I was shocked by how curt it was. What do you mean “why?” I love you! Of course I was worried! “B-Because… you know… we work together and…” I was shaken, and tried to get my thoughts together, but they just stumbled out of my mouth. “I’m fine! Absolutely, totally fine! Nothing to worry about!” She turned her head sharply away from me. I had seen this response in her before, especially when we first started working together. Before we would fall asleep for the night, she would pull the covers tightly over her head and insist nothing was bothering her, that she wasn’t afraid to sleep, and that I should just stay where I was. Whenever she dreamt though, I did too, and I knew the truth. Her tough facade had so many cracks, but I also knew she kept it up to try and keep me “safe” from whatever she was hiding. “Jeanne… I know that isn’t true…” The tone of my voice dropped to more of a gentle whisper. The urge to pull her into my arms and never let go was overwhelming. I’ve never wanted to protect someone more in my life than I did in this instant. She sighed hard, but her arms relaxed just a little bit. I would have to slowly chink away at whatever was bothering her. “I’m just tired, that’s all.” She tried to control the wavering in her voice, and failed miserably at it. That was more than enough reason for me to move my unwilling body closer to hers. “You know you don’t have to lie to me… not ever.” I whispered again, gently brushing some dirt away from her armor. “You’ve been through enough, Master. You don’t need me burdening you more. I am your servant, and I take care of myself to make sure you don’t have to worry.” She wouldn’t look at me, so I turned her face towards me as much as she would allow. Her eyes were still focused on the floor, but they were more in my direction now. “Are you worried you’re going to bother me…?” She seemed so shocked by my response, and looked at me like I was some sort of imbecile. “Of course I’m WORRIED! What sort of servant would I be if I j-j-j-j-j-just projected all my problems onto you! If I just decided you were the one who needed to take care of me and all of my suffering and hurt! This war would never end!” She was focused intensely on me now, and I knew she was staring at the deep bags under my eyes. Those flames in her eyes were burning bright, but bright for a different reason than normal. “You don’t have to push me away… your problems ARE my problems, just as my problems are yours. That’s what it means to be master and servant… and more importantly, to be lovers, right?” Words weren’t going to fix everything, I knew that, but what else could I say? “What do you know?! How can you EVER understand what it’s like to protect the one person in your life that matters?! Especially when we’re surrounded with danger and are facing the end of the world?! Why does the world have to end right when I’M happy?!” I couldn’t quite make out the expression she was making, but her eyes clouded up with more hatred than I had ever seen her have before. The harsh coldness of her eyes could have frozen any hot, summer day over. But even I knew hurt was hiding just beneath the surface.I was taken back by her response, but she was right. I didn’t know what sort of stressors she was under, what sorts of burdens she was carrying, or why she was hiding it from me, but I understood that it was for me, and that it was my duty to make sure she didn’t burn out fantastically like a moth in a flame.

“You’re right… I don’t understand. I’m sorry.” She turned back to me harshly, and I was intensely worried I said the wrong thing. I felt like I was walking on eggshells, but what is a half baked, self righteous lecture going to do when someone is truly hurting? Easier said than done!

“Don’t... “ She seemed breathless, her face twisting into some cruel agony she didn’t want to face. “Don’t apologize to me! What do you have to apologize for?!” I saw her fists rapidly curling and uncurling into unnaturally tight balls, so I knew she was holding back. I knew so much of her wanted to kill me, right in that instant.

“I’m apologizing… for ignoring your needs considering how much you take care of mine.”

“My needs are irrelevant!”

“No they’re not!” I finally snapped back. “They’re not, Jeanne! You’re a person with feelings outside of whatever your stupid class affinity tells you and they have to be tended to too! You’re not just full of hate, Jeanne! I know you’re full of hurt and sadness and I want to help heal that!” I took a deep breath. Hot tears were stinging at the corners of my eyes, a bitter reminder of the frustrations this relationship was going to put me through, but I wasn’t deterred. She was worth every tear I could shed, every heartbreak I could bear, and so much more. “I want to help you… but only if you let me…”

“Master… I can-!” She held her hands close to her own body, squeezing them tightly. The pain in her eyes shone brighter than the flames that ignited her passions, and for a brief moment, I knew I was looking directly at the real Jeanne. MY Jeanne. I took her fidgeting hands away from her, and gently placed them around my throat.

“Would killing me here help…?” I asked earnestly. Even if it meant the end of us both, I was willing to give her just a brief moment of relief. Guess I was that stupid in love. I watched her focus on her hands around my throat, frustration and anger pooling up like hot puddle of mercury in her eyes.. She pulled them away, with a harsh yank, after what felt like an eternity.

“No… my hands were meant to destroy, Master… but you’re the one thing I can’t destroy!” There was a mixture of hurt and anger in her voice, as if destroying me in this moment would bring her a permanent solution to something she viewed as a temporary problem. She fought her own nature to brings those words to her lips.

“Jeanne…” I took her hands once again, but softer this time, into my own. She was shaking like a leaf, and I knew that facade of hers was crumbling and she hated it more than anything. I steadied her hands as best as I could, and pressed them gently to my cheeks.

“You’re safe with me, you have nothing to be afraid of anymore…” I whispered. A soft smile graced my lips, and while the tears still fell, they weren’t hot. A few stray tears fell gently onto her gauntlets and sparkled off them. We made this promise to each other so long ago, and it was still our mantra. Something that kept us both going, even when it looked like nothing would come to fruition.

“And you’re safe with me, Master…” She finally looked up at me, and I could see how weary her face was in the moonlight. She was fighting so hard for my sake, and I had been so ignorant of it. It was only right to repay her.

“You’re fighting so well, and so hard… no one deserves a break more than you.” I caressed each of her fingers, despite the roadblocks her gauntlets imposed.

“I… deserve a break…” She admitted, her eyes dropping to the ground, as if ashamed for running herself ragged.

“You deserve a break…” I said softly, and started to unlace the string holding her gauntlets tight to her hands. She stopped me quicky, holding my hand in place.

“Master… no… You don’t want to see those… please…” She had a pathetic, pleading look in her eyes. I had never seen this before.

“Jeanne… no matter what your hands look like, I know they’re beautiful…” I kept my eyes focused on hers, trying to be as brave and unwavering as I could be, as she returned my gaze. I gently pulled her other hand off of mine, and slid the loose gauntlet off her fingers one at a time. She looked scared, terrified this gauntlet held a world ending secret within it, and I wasn’t sure why.

“Master… please… no more…” I couldn’t bare to look Master in the eyes, let alone at those ugly things I call hands. I had memorized every scar, every scaly, uneven patch of skin, every intricate line left by those damned, cursed ropes on my wrists. Those hands… they should never hold hers the way she holds mine. They aren’t worthy of that.

“They’re beautiful… so unique and slender. I’ve never seen hands more gorgeous than yours.” I watched as Master eyed my hands like a fine piece of art hanging in a museum. So much of me didn’t want to believe she was sincere, but my heart, my STUPID heart, knew she was. I wished, even if just for a second, that that small part of me could ooze through and show Master the kindness she deserved. Why did I have to be so damn… hateful?

“...thank you, Master…” It was all I could manage to mumble, especially as she pressed her soft lips to each of my ugly, ragged digits. I don’t deserve this, I don’t deserve this, I don’t deserve this! That’s all I could think in that moment. But Master, in her seemingly ever wise ways, cupped my exposed hand in hers.

“I love you, Jeanne.” She smiled, with her tired eyes and sleep deprived face. God damnit…

“Master, I…” All I could do was throw myself on her, and hold her tightly. I gripped her clothes so hard I heard them rip in the back, but it was all I could do to make sure this wasn’t a dream. I didn’t want this moment to end, and I was afraid that the moment I would let go, Master would drift away and I would wake up again, in my bedroom on the battlefront, waiting to be burned at the stake.

“It’s alright, Jeanne… everything is going to be OK.” She held me so gently, but her hands, her body up against mine, was so warm. For once, I was happy feeling like I was on fire. Perhaps hell wouldn’t be so bad if I could hold this warmth in my heart when I get there.

Every gentle touch, every soft breath on my neck, soothed my aching body back down to reality. I wasn’t drifting alone in the abyss anymore, I had someone to keep me anchored to this stupid world destined for destruction.

“Master, I wi-” But my words were silenced with a gentle kiss. A kiss, a gesture of affection I never thought I would know or understand. It’s the only thing in the world that ever made me melt.

“Yes, Jeanne…?” She looked at me with such tender and loving eyes.

“Master, I… I love you too.”

#fgo #jalter #jeanne alter #fanfiction

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chroniccombustion · 6 years ago

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Caught in the Grey (ch 3)

Genre: Trans!AU, hurt/comfort, romance, angst with a happy ending Rated: T Characters: Souji Seta (Yu Narukami), Yosuke Hanamura, Naoto Shirogane, Kanji Tatsumi, Investigation Team, Izanagi/Shadow!Souji Warnings: depression, dysphoria, disassociation, self-hatred, implied suicide attempt, suicidal thoughts, mentions of homophobia, implied past child abuse and transphobia, canon-typical violence, mild sexual content Status: multi-chapter, incomplete

Playlist: Spotify | Youtube <- previous chapter | next chapter ->

Something is wrong. Yosuke is in the hallway outside their classroom by the time Souji and Kanji have parted ways, backed against the wall by a fuming Chie and a scowling Yukiko. There is a bright red handprint burning across the side of Yosuke’s face. “You!” Chie snarls, fists balled at her sides. “What the hell is wrong with you? You’ve been acting like a jackass all week!”

Chapter 3: The Walls You Made

“You were falling away, you left me with a bittersweet taste But when I send my heart your way, it bounces off the walls you made, ricochet…”

- (“Ricochet”, Starset)

November

The week stretches on after Souji’s return to school and, for the most part, life has gone back to normal.

There are a few exceptions, of course, such as the newfound rush of safety he feels whenever he and Naoto spot each other in the hallways. The short smiles he gives them are lighter, freer than they would have been the week prior, and in response Naoto’s smiles are soft and warm and reach their eyes without any of the unsurety he knows they still harbor when it comes to actually having friends. He thinks that might be another reason the two of them click so well; Naoto’s used to isolation, too.

The physical kind as well as the mental.

Another happy exception to the normality of everyday life is the way Kanji has taken to meeting him a short distance from school and walking in with him in the mornings. It’s nice, and seeing the way Kanji’s face lights up and his shoulders relax makes Souji happy in ways he can’t quite describe. It reminds him just a bit of when Nanako shows off something she did in class and it makes his heart pulse with pride.

Souji loves all of his friends, of course, and he loves helping people (loves feeling needed, wanted, like maybe he’s worth something after all), but he’s still not used to having people around him, even after months. Souji hates to admit even to himself, but he isn’t sure how to be a friend; there’s a tiny part of him that wonders if he’s only been going through some kind of pre-set motions. He usually tries to discard that thought immediately and replace it with the reminder that he enjoys making his friends happy, spending time with them, doing things with them and not just for them. It helps, if only for a while.

With Kanji and Naoto, though, it seems deeper. He wouldn’t say they’re more important because that sounds too cold, but he acknowledges that those two are definitely in a category all their own. They share secrets with him, and he them – that’s a level of trust and comradery that Souji’s never experienced before.

He’s noticed he tends to put his friends into groups, just for his own mental benefit. Chie was the first person that extended a friendly hand right after he’d arrived in Inaba. Yosuke came soon after, yes, but Chie beat him to it by a day, so Souji counts her as his first friend here. Yukiko, too, though she hadn’t had much time and wasn’t there with them upon their first visits to the TV world, but Yukiko and Chie are a pair and Souji can’t think of one without the other. Separate people, but very much part of a whole.

Teddie and Nanako are in a group together, too, one that overlaps Rise in a kind of venn diagram. Teddie is like an excitable younger brother – not his own, but more like the Group Little Brother – and the bear’s adoration for Nanako is so precious that Souji thinks it might rival his own a little. Nanako is family and Teddie is team family and Rise is something similar that Souji can’t quite name. He likes her, respects her for her strength and willingness to take control of her own life despite her fear. She’s open in a way that Souji wishes he could be, still has an innocence that reminds him of Teddie and Nanako only different, and while Souji can’t give her what she wants in terms of love, she is still dear to him. She’s known loneliness, too, just like him, just like Teddie and Nanako and, well, all of them, it seems; a group of lonely people seeking solace in each other.

Souji desperately doesn’t want to be lonely anymore.

But that’s the other exception to how the week has returned to usual: a special, terrible kind of lonely ache that only comes when someone you care about wants nothing to do with you. An ache Souji is so, so horribly familiar with.

Yosuke is avoiding him.

Midweek rolls around and whatever rift has formed in their friendship has only seemed to widen. Souji is especially grateful to Kanji for walking the last fifteen or so minutes to school with him because Yosuke doesn’t wait for Souji at their usual spot in the mornings to walk together, nor does he show up when Souji waits for him. In fact, it almost seems like Yosuke has started timing his arrival to the classroom so that he just barely makes it into his seat before the teacher walks in. Souji wonders if Yosuke has been hiding in the hallway until the very last minute.

He disappears at lunch, too, dashing off as soon as the break begins and only coming back just as the bell sounds, ensuring the absolute minimal amount of interaction possible. During the time where they’re all actually in class isn’t any better because his evasive behavior from Tuesday has been ramped up to 11. He’s jittery and distracted, refusing to look directly at Souji even when he’s forced to and instead looking just past Souji’s shoulder or somewhere near their desks. He doesn’t speak to Souji unless Souji speaks to him first, and only then in short, non-committal responses – and only if he absolutely cannot pretend he didn’t hear him in the first place.

But it gets weirder. Despite doing everything possible to keep from having to talk to or make eye contact with him, Yosuke does an awful lot of looking at Souji when Souji isn’t looking directly back. He keeps staring when he thinks Souji doesn’t know, and more than once Souji catches Yosuke giving him strange looks out of the corner of his eye, only for Yosuke to look away as if electrocuted when he notices Souji has seen him. Like Souji’s gaze is somehow toxic.

It’s maddening.

It hurts.

On top of all that, the apathetic silence and constant staring, Yosuke also seems… nervous? Uncomfortable? Something around him, and Souji isn’t sure but he thinks it might be the same kind of uncomfortable that Yosuke had been around Kanji in the tent during the camping trip. That leaves a whole new kind of bitter taste in his mouth, a familiar tightness in his heart. But Souji has no idea what’s brought it on; it makes him question if this is still about Souji disappearing after the pageant and not telling Yosuke where he went. Is Yosuke that upset that Souji didn’t back him up against Chie the day Souji had come back? Or is he annoyed that Souji hadn’t been there to ogle swimsuits with him during the second pageant? Or is it something else entirely?

Whatever it is, Souji wants his friend back – and for whatever his partner is doing to stop.

After class is no different. It’s the same story every day, that he has a shift he has to rush off to, to the point where, for two days in a row, he didn’t even bother to give Souji the opportunity to say goodbye as Yosuke was rushing out the door. It’s hard not to take it personally, and Souji has taken to reaching desperately across the Wheel of Fortune and Emperor bonds just to feel that warm, golden thrum and keep himself from sinking into a familiar pool of sadness and dread.

Because Souji can feel the Magician arcana stretching thinner, can feel its edges fraying, and it feels like the floor is dropping out from under him in his helplessness to stop it.

This isn’t what his friendship with Yosuke is supposed to be like – Yosuke is sunlight and smiles, someone he can lean on and who leans on him without shame, whom Souji is happy to help support. They’re partners, damnit, and no matter how bad things got they were supposed to work to keep it that way.

He tries to avoid going to Junes for as long as he can because he doesn’t want that to be another place where Yosuke runs away from him. He doesn’t want Yosuke to feel trapped, but he also wants to give his partner the benefit of the doubt for as long as he can. If he’s honest with himself, Souji is terrified that he’ll get there and find out Yosuke never had a shift at all.

The house needs groceries, though, and Nanako has that look about her that says she needs a bit of cheering up, so on Thursday he texts Teddie to ask if the little bear is working and what time he goes in. He still owes his strange friend an in-person apology, after all, even though he’d called him after school on Tuesday. Teddie of course is elated and informs Souji that his shift starts at 5:00, so Souji wraps his sister’s tiny hand in his own and plasters an exhausted smile onto his face.

They meet Teddie (who arrives in his human form), outside Junes, where he proceeds to throw himself bodily at Souji and wrap practically every limb he has around Souji’s waist. Souji just awkwardly pats at Teddie’s head and lets the boy hang off him in what has to be the world’s most bizarre attempt at reverse-mitosis. Thankfully, Teddie had been so emotional over the phone when Souji had first called him that he’d forgotten to ask why Souji had run off in the first place. Souji uses this to his advantage as he recounts the same story he’d used for everyone else, playing up that he’d been “perfectly fine” until he “suddenly felt very sick.”

Teddie sniffles in that overdramatic way of his and raises watery eyes, informing Souji, “You leave it to me next time, okay, Sensei? I’ll come over and take the beary best care of you!”

Souji smiles and tells him “thank you” and pointedly does not let on how uncomfortable that statement makes him feel. Teddie is incredibly sweet, but good intentions or not, he knows little about the human world and Souji doesn’t feel like getting sick for real.

(There are a myriad of other reasons he doesn’t want to ever have to take Teddie up on that offer, but Souji stuffs them into a box in the corner of his mind and tapes it shut as best he can. Just more things he doesn’t want to think about.)

They talk for a few minutes more before Souji, casually as can be, asks Teddie if he’d like to go grocery shopping with Nanako before his shift starts.

Nanako and Teddie both instantly perk up with an excited “Can we?!”

Souji nods. The two of them run inside and Souji finds a place to sit down and wait. He trusts Teddie, even if the bear is a handful sometimes, and this way Nanako gets to spend time with her friend while still getting the shopping done. He only feels a little bit bad about manipulating them like this, but neither of them had needed any kind of pushing, so it isn’t like he’d done anything too horrible. He lets himself get away with this one, if only because of how happy Nanako had looked.

And this way, Souji doesn’t have to run the risk of bumping into Yosuke. Or worse, not bump into him and be given undeniable proof that Yosuke wants nothing to do with him.

Souji abruptly switches directions, deciding to try and keep his mind from spiraling again by going to look for the stray cats that sometimes hang around the Junes dumpsters until Nanko is comes back.

Trying to text Yosuke outside of school and around his supposed shifts proves just as fruitless as everything else. Souji texts and texts and texts, has pulled up Yosuke’s number more than once and held his thumb over the call button for ages before chickening out and shutting his phone. There is barely any answer. If he responds at all it’s with things like “k” or “yea” and maybe a smiley but nothing else. Souji must be extra lucky that night, because Yosuke finally messages him back hours and hours later with “srry @ work” after Souji had sent him an “I miss you, Partner,” right after leaving school.

So Souji decides to stop trying to apologize, to stop waiting for a response, to just stop trying at all. He doesn’t want to, wants to try and stick it out for a while longer, (just a little, just a day or two, maybe he’ll come around, maybe he’ll like me again), but Souji has already given far too many people far too long and he’s tired of waiting for something that’s never going to come.

The dark, resentful little voice in his head tells him he really must be a Fool if he ever could have thought Yosuke would be any different. It whispers that the case is over, Kubo was caught, and now Yosuke doesn’t need him anymore.

He never cared about you, it hisses, he only cared about your help. You only have worth as long as you’re useful, remember?

It threatens to break him, but he’s picked himself up off the floor after being shattered completely in the past; he’s learned by now how to make it so that he only cracks instead of splinters.

So he builds the wall back up around his heart and prepares himself for the end of an era. Friday morning, just as he’s heading out the door to go meet up with Kanji, he sends one last message that he knows probably won’t be read until long after it no longer matters.

Seta Souji: I’m sorry. I won’t bother you anymore.

He turns his phone off and leaves it in his bag where he doesn’t have to look at it.

---

Something is wrong.

Yosuke is in the hallway outside their classroom by the time Souji and Kanji have parted ways, backed against the wall by a fuming Chie and a scowling Yukiko. There is a bright red handprint burning across the side of Yosuke’s face.

“You!” Chie snarls, fists balled at her sides. “What the hell is wrong with you? You’ve been acting like a jackass all week!”

Yosuke’s face is oddly devoid of anything as he says, “Chill out, Chie, it was just a joke.”

Yukiko’s hackles rise impossibly higher and she holds up a hand palm out as if to slap him again. She opens her mouth to say, “It wasn’t funny!” just as Chie barks, “Like hell it was!”

Yosuke flinches involuntarily, but his face remains impassive, even as the other students milling about the hallway begin to gather and stare. He gazes back at the two girls with lightless eyes.

He tisks. “Yeah, well, you’re girls, of course you wouldn’t get it; it’s guy humor.”

Chie crowds in closer until she’s right up in Yosuke’s face and he’s looking down his nose at her, going slightly cross-eyed in the process. “You think you’re such hot shit,” she seethes, and even from a few feet away, Souji can feel the anger rolling off of her. She pushes a finger into Yosuke’s chest, hard, and says, “We put up with your nasty ‘jokes’ and your weird staring because you’re our friend, but there’s a limit, Hanamura! And you’re freaking pushing it.”

“Girls don’t like it when you say things like that,” Yukiko adds, voice low and sharp and cold in a way Souji doesn’t think he’s ever heard from her before. “If your brand of humor makes other people uncomfortable, then it isn’t really humor at all, it’s gross.”

Souji feels something acidic churning in his gut. Yosuke has always had a penchant for dirty jokes and gutter-minded trains of thought, but he’d been doing better lately, had slowed his lewd comments considerably in the months since the IT had woven itself to near family-like tightness. Souji had wanted to believe that most of the remaining perviness was just harmless, friendly banter – especially since it was usually aimed at Chie, who could throw a few good barbs right back and never lace them with any real heat. But that was before the pageant, and now Souji has the vile, disheartening suspicion that whatever Yosuke has done to get the girls so angry is linked to that. He thinks back to the comments Yosuke had made about the girls on stage on Tuesday and Souji feels his heart convulse.

You really were wrong about him, weren’t you?

As if he’d somehow heard Souji’s darkening thoughts, Yosuke’s eyes finally veer away from Chie and off to the side – where they grow almost comically wide as he catches sight of Souji standing not five feet away.

Souji doesn’t know what his face looks like, but whatever Yosuke sees there must stun him into silence. They stare at each other for several tense seconds – the first eye contact Yosuke has made with him in days.

Yukiko and Chie both notice Yosuke’s sudden change in demeanor and turn to follow his panicked line of sight. It’s enough to break whatever spell he’s under, because the moment their attention is focused on Souji, Yosuke shoves his arm between them and slips out from where they’ve kept him trapped against the wall.

“Whatever,” he spits, face locking down as he turns his back to Souji. “You guys throw your hissy fit, I’m goin’ to class.” He tugs his headphone up over his ears and stalks the rest of the way down the hall, disappearing into the classroom like a sulking child.

A piece of Souji’s heart chips off and falls away.

“Asshole,” Chie growls after him, even though Yosuke is long gone. She plants her fists on her hips, turning back to Souji and heaving out an aggravated sigh. “Hi,” she says, and it’s very much tinged with something Souji knows isn’t directed at him.

“Uh, hi,” he says, unable to keep from frowning. “What happened?”

The warning bell sounds and Yukiko, who has been glowering in the direction Yosuke left, waves a hand at them both over her shoulder. “We’ll tell you at lunch,” she says, and her voice is still that low-simmering ire. It’s terrifying, even if Souji isn’t on the receiving end of it. She starts walking towards the classroom, shooting heated glares at anyone still lingering nearby. “For now we should hurry before we’re late.”

Chie nods at him before jogging off after Yukiko, and Souji takes a few extra seconds to try and breathe normally before he joins them. He’s almost the last one into the room by the time he recovers, and he doesn’t even have to look at Yosuke to know his former partner is looking everywhere but at him.

It’s a long, long time until the break for lunch begins.

---

As expected, Yosuke is up and moving practically before the bell has finished ringing. He doesn’t even pretend to be polite this time; the moment the clock hands tick into place he’s shoving his headphones up onto his ears and is out of his seat like the wind caster he is. Nobody tries to stop him, and Souji doesn’t have the will to watch him leave.

With his heart somewhere down near his feet, Souji shifts in his chair until both Chie and Yukiko are more clearly visible without turning his head too far. He moves slowly, in absolutely no hurry to hear whatever it is he’s about to hear. A part of him is torn, of course, because he wants to help his friends, to know what went down in the hallway so he can make everything better – especially for the girls, since it’s obvious they were the ones wronged. On the other hand, Souji isn’t sure he can handle knowing just how badly Yosuke has messed up. This isn’t just a matter of making someone apologize, it’s become a behavioral issue that is clearly disrupting team dynamic and needs to be addressed on a deeper level.

(Not that they really need to be a team in a combat sense much anymore, but they’re all still friends, aren’t they? And friends shouldn’t do whatever the hell Yosuke thinks he’s doing right now.)

Souji sighs and forces himself to look up at his two friends still in the room. “Are you both okay?” he asks first, because that’s the most important thing, even above Yosuke’s bullshit. He looks from one to the other, scanning them with a leader’s eye honed from months in battle.

“Physically?” says Chie, “Yeah, I guess,” She looks to Yukiko, who gives her a quick nod.

Yukiko’s expression is tight as she tilts her head in a way that makes her look like she’s talking to both of them at once – which she likely is. “He tried to pinch my skirt,” she says, and Souji feels his eyes go wide. Her mouth twists. “He didn’t actually touch me, though.”

Chie’s face darkens. “Good thing he didn’t ‘cuz I’d have kicked him so hard his junk would have fallen off.” Her fists clench at her sides the same way they do in battle right as she’s bracing herself for a takedown kick, and Souji instinctively swallows against the way the gesture makes his throat constrict.

He holds his breath just a little too long to be comfortable, trying and not-quite succeeding to steel himself for the conversation ahead. “What happened?” he asks, and his voice isn’t real, isn’t his. It’s ‘Leader’, ‘Friend’, one of the dozens of masks he wears when he needs to (he always needs to) when he has a specific task to complete (he always does) and needs to push his own mind as far way from everything as possible (like always).

Chie and Yukiko look at each other, seeming to silently decide who should go first before Chie refocuses on Souji and squares her shoulders. “Okay. So you know how Yosuke’s been a jerk ever since the cultural festival?”

Souji nods. Of course the girls have seen it, too, he thinks; how could they not have when the four of them all sit right next to each other?

He already wishes this were over.

“Well, every time Yukiko or I has tried to call him out on it he just gets all defensive and blows us off.” Chie pulls her phone from the pocket of her green jacket and holds it up like a prop. “I’ve been texting him for days trying to get him to tell me what’s going on and he doesn’t answer! He just sends me those crappy dirty jokes of his or says something really evasive, like…” (and here she drops her voice in a sarcastic imitation of Yosuke’s), “…’can’t talk, I’m at work!’ or ‘lol you’re crazy, Chie!’” She clenches her teeth and makes an aggravated noise in the back of her throat as she roughly shoves her phone back into her pocket. “And the thing is, I know he didn’t work on Wednesday, because I had to stop by Junes for my mom and I ran into Teddie, who told me Yosuke had the day off!”

I knew it.

It feels like the wind has been knocked out of his lungs. Everything he’d been hoping he was wrong about has been thrown directly back at him; the last trickle of faith he’d been so desperately clinging to, the hope that his partner might not have been lying to his face and avoiding him, it all disintegrates like paper in a blaze.

He thinks maybe if he wasn’t sitting down, if he couldn’t feel the chair, hard and solid beneath his legs, then he might just fall away and be swallowed up, too.

Oblivious to Souji’s encroaching disassociation, Chie sits back with a scowl and snorts harshly through her nose. “And his ‘jokes’? They’ve been really bad this week. Like, they were never good, but they’ve been getting worse – now they’re just straight up gross and it’s been making me super uncomfortable.”

It’s like there are screws being twisted into his skin; cold and metallic and so sharp that it’s barely painful but still stings with the bite of bitter frost. Nervous energy crackles along his limbs as though the flight half of his fight-or-flight instincts is trying to wrest away any control he has left over his body. He doesn’t want to hear this.

Yukiko nods, eyes narrow. “He’s been doing similar things to me, too. I ran into him on my way home yesterday and when I tried to ask him why he looked so sad, he made some comment about me, ‘cheering him up.’ Then he ran off.” She shakes her head. “Even I knew he was being inappropriate. I let it go at the time because it seemed like he was just trying to distract me. ”

Chie tilts her head. “Has he been sending you weird texts, too?”

“Only when I text him first.” Yukiko’s expression goes flat. “He asked me if I had any pictures from the pageant but when I told him I didn’t he asked me to send him a new picture instead.”

The look on Chie’s face implies that she would very much like to roundhouse kick something, but is managing to hold back with just the thinnest thread of restraint. Souji surreptitiously pulls his legs a little further from her reach. He would almost flinch when she turns her focus back to him, but everything is rippling slightly, slowly, like the air is gradually turning to water and he’s already under the surface.

“So yeaaaaah…” she drawls, irritation simmering in the lower notes of her voice. “We tried to corner him this morning; two against one, right? We thought maybe we could get him to explain himself—“

“Because it’s obvious he’s hurting you, too,” Yukiko cuts in, looking at Souji with something like protectiveness, and it catches him off guard so badly that he forgets to exhale again.

Chie nods emphatically. “Right! And we figured if he’s pulling that evasive crap with us then there’s no way you’re having any better luck, what with him running off like his butt’s on fire every time you come near.” She pauses, grimaces – a scrunch of her nose and a turning of her lips. “Eheh. Uhm, sorry.”

Souji blinks. Even before learning about their own messed-up dealings with Yosuke this past week, he wasn’t surprised that his friends have caught on to the way Souji and Yosuke’s friendship has been fraying. They aren’t blind, after all, and by this point they’ve all known each other long enough that it would be hard not to notice that something was up. No, what surprises him is the way Yukiko had seemed more visibly upset about the effects on him than she was about the things Yosuke had said to her, the way Chie makes it sound like she wanted to confront the other boy on his behalf just as much as theirs. One some level he knows his friends care, or at least the stubbornly hopefully pieces of him that still exist after all these years have wanted to believe they did, but knowing and having it proven – even in as small and heavy a gesture as this – are two very different things.

He doesn’t like that this surprises him, just like he didn’t like that he was surprised by Naoto. He’s pretty sure this proves his theory that he doesn’t know how to be a decent friend in return.

He’s forgotten to respond, it seems, but Chie continues. “So we corner him,” she repeats, “and he gets this really funny look on his face and acts like he wants to bolt, but when he can’t he tries to make a crack about my legs and how I should ‘lay off the meat’.”

“And then he compared her legs to mine.” Yukiko taps her short, blunt nails across the top of her desk in annoyance. “Which is when he tried to pinch my skirt and I slapped him.”

“And then you showed up and he ran off,” Chie finishes, before adding, “Or, well, you saw that part.”

Souji just nods again. He can’t do anything else, he feels almost paralyzed. The thought of Yosuke being purposely horrible is so beyond anything he’s ever thought his friend capable of. He wants to cling to what Yukiko said about it seemingly like Yosuke had been pulling a distraction tactic, but even if that’s what the stunt in the hallway was, too, it’s still over the line. As far as he knows, Yosuke has never tried to physically do anything to anybody, and pinching a skirt is pretty minor compared to some of the stories Yukiko has told of drunken businessmen at the inn, but still.

Everything just feels so wrong; not just in the sense that Yosuke is suddenly wildly out of character, but just… everything. Why the change at all? And if it was going to happen eventually, why now of all times? Souji’s mind circles itself, trying to find something to latch onto because the whole situation is missing more than a few pieces and the part of him that just spent several months working to solve a murder mystery is still there, not yet inactive. He can’t tell if it’s only that or if there is still something in him that refuses to let go of his partner even now. Yosuke had inserted himself into Souji’s life so seamlessly that it’s hard for Souji to see what’s left of himself past the jagged outline Yosuke’s departure has left in him.

But he can’t think, and so he’s left sitting there in his own head, grasping at straws and praying one of them will have the answers he desperately hopes are there.

He must have been unresponsive for too long (again), because he blinks and catches the end of the worried look shared between his two friends. He forces himself back out of his thoughts before one of the girls can call him on it and inhales through his mouth to stall for time as he pulls up something to say.

Yukiko beats him to the punch. “Souji-kun… Are you alright?”

He clicks his mouth shut so quickly his teeth sting. The words “I’m fine” sit uncomfortably close to the tip of his tongue and he swallows them back. It would be all too easy to admit just how much like a slow-acting poison Yosuke’s silence, his behavior, has felt; the sinking, sick sensation growing and spreading over the course of the week until Souji can barely breathe. He swallows that back, too. “I’m… concerned,” he settles on, and Yukiko nods in agreement.

“Do you know what might be going on with him, even a little?” she asks, and beside her, Chie gives him an oddly sad look. “This isn’t the Yosuke-kun we know.”

Chie glances from Yukiko to Souji and adds, uncharacteristically quiet, “Yeah. I mean, he’s a pig right now but he’s still one of us. We’re worried.”

As hurt as he is, and as much as he’s ready (or wishes he could be ready) to wall off that tattered bit of his heart, Souji can’t disagree. There is another whispering part of him, softer than the one hissing doubt and pain, that cares about Yosuke, wants him to be alright, even if Souji isn’t. He always did like making people happy.

Souji keeps his back straight but lowers his eyes, unable to hold his shield against the anxious sympathy painted across his friends’ features. He shakes his head. “No,” he admits, and it’s both a relief to admit and a stone in his heart. Saying it out loud always makes it more real, less like a bad dream; the wound might be lanced for a moment but it still bleeds. He sighs, and it’s a shaky, defeated sound. “I don’t. And no it’s not. Whatever is happening, he won’t let me help.”

Yukiko’s shoulders slump, echoed by the way Chie’s face seems to fall even more. They share another look between them – Souji can see them both in his peripherals but he cannot decipher the silent exchange.

If only Yosuke could see the way his friends worry about him, Souji thinks, then maybe he’d stop pushing them away like this. It’s been clear from the very beginning that Souji’s partner has some heavy duty self esteem issues, (his shadow alone had been more than a hint at just how Yosuke saw himself), so it isn’t a stretch to think maybe Yosuke doesn’t know just how valuable he is to his friends, to the team, to Souji, and it hurts somewhere deep, like a broken bone.

Souji feels the black tendrils in his mind starting to tug him lower. Unable to think of anything to say and too afraid of sinking deeper into his own quagmire of negative thoughts, he glances at the clock in case time has decided to be merciful and lunch break is almost over. No such luck.

He frowns. His sense of time is shot. His sense of reality is cracking as well, but time is more important when on a schedule – or when he just wants the day to end. With nothing he can do with the little time remaining, and too much time left to just sit in silence, Souji quietly digs out the bento he’d brought and holds it out in offering towards the girls. He’d brought extra, intending to share it with someone anyway – possibly Kanji – and it’s been a short while since he’s been able to bring anything for Chie or Yukiko. “Does anybody want this?” he murmurs, still not quite able to return his gaze to their faces.

There is a stunted exhale overlapped by what might be a hushed, “Souji-kun,” but he doesn’t raise his eyes from the box in his hand. He is aware – faintly – of how strange it must look for him to switch gears so abruptly, since the others aren’t privy to his coiling lines of thought. Whatever they think of it, though, no one says anything aloud. In fact, a long beat of silence passes before slim, delicate fingers – Yukiko – finally reach out and take the bento from his grasp.

Suddenly Chie’s voice is forcibly-bright, a bottled kind of blue sky amidst dark clouds, plastic-happy and overenthusiastic as she says, “Aw hell yeah! We haven’t had lunch together in ages!” There is a movement on he edge of Souji’s vision that looks suspiciously like an exaggerated fist pump.

His breath catches in a huff as he exhales through his nose, like the mimicry of a chuckle that comes unbidden and tugs inside his chest. It’s enough to let him flick his gaze upwards.

Chie is grinning at him, wide and strained, but it reaches her eyes nonetheless. Beside her, Yukiko holds the now lidless bento between them with a well-crafted smile stretched across her own face. There is still a tight sort of sadness around the edges, but the longer she holds the smile in place the duller those edges become.

“Yes,” she says, and her voice lilts upwards in a very deliberate way that is meant to sound easier than it is. “Have we ever done this with all three of us together? I can’t remember.”

“Hey, no, I don’t think we have! What took us so long?”

The huff of breathy laugh that slips out is a little stronger this time, a little more solid. The weight in his chest is still there, but in this moment, with Yukiko passing the bento off to Chie so she can dig for her chopsticks and Chie “stealthily” grabbing a chunk of meat with her fingertips to pop into her mouth, Souji thinks the weight might be manageable. If only for now.

Thank you, he tells them silently. To say it out loud would be to puncture the illusion they’ve worked so hard to create, and he doesn’t want to ruin the kindness he’s being given. He knows what they’re doing; he’s grateful.

The three of them pick at the food – Chie going for the meat and Yukiko the vegetables while Souji mostly just pokes the rice – until the break runs out. There is still some left at the end, mostly because Souji couldn’t muster up the will to be hungry, but the girls (Chie) have made a much larger dent than he, so it’s not a waste, at least. He gives them a drained, faint smile as the room fills back up with their classmates and is pleasantly startled to find it comes easier than he thought it would.

Yukiko smiles back, eyes crinkling, and Chie shoots him a lopsided grin and a thumbs up. There is a fizzy, pink-yellow warmth that flows along the Priestess and Chariot arcana, and while the flood of light and golden tingling that follows a rising rank doesn’t come, he can feel the threads winding tighter together. It’s comforting – a reminder that even if his Magician bond snaps and dissolves, there are still connections there, he still has friends.

It’s so hard to remember sometimes when all his life there has been a cold, aching loneliness nested deep inside his heart, familiar in a way that old wounds are. But now there is something to chase the hollowness away when the ache threatens to overwhelm him at the loss of his former partner, and Souji allows himself a few precious moments to bask in that sliver of sunlight. He may not share secrets with Chie and Yukiko, but somehow, right now, their brand of protectiveness is just as wonderful.

The warmth stays with him through the duration of the lesson, and distracts him long enough that he doesn’t notice until the start of the next period that Yosuke has yet to return to the classroom.

---

Classes end for the day and still Yosuke does not reappear. Chie and Yukiko haven’t quite gotten over their ire and irritation from earlier, understandably, but there is clear worry there, and nowhere to direct it except at Souji. He appreciates it, wishes he could accept it, handle it like a normal person, but it’s something he hasn’t gotten used to yet and it overwhelms him. It’s comforting but also just the tiniest bit suffocating. That’s why, when they ask if he’d like to walk with them while they go run errands together, he politely declines.

Under better circumstances he would happily spend time with them, would be hard-pressed to say no to something like walking with friends, but he isn’t sure how long he can pretend not to be silently flaking apart inside. He thinks they understand, because Chie gives him a gentle punch to the shoulder – so light it’s more like a tap – and Yukiko gives him a kind smile with eyes that look a little too deeply into him.

“We don’t have any more large groups booked at the inn until mid-month,” she says, (more quietly than a casual statement should warrant), “so I should be pretty free this weekend.”

“You should come train with me again sometime,” Chie chimes in, and Souji notices that her fist hasn’t left his shoulder yet. It’s just sort of resting there, knuckles lightly digging in to the meat of his arm. “I’m gonna be down by the river all morning on Sunday. You’re welcome to join.” She taps him once more with the backs of her fingers before finally moving her hand.

Souji smiles at them. It’s weak, probably, but grateful, and he hopes they can see the honesty on his face as well as they can see his crumbling edges. (And he’s slowly discovering that it isn’t quite so scary right now that people can see the hairline cracks forming along his paper-mache faces, because no one that’s seen them so far has commented. As long as he doesn’t have to acknowledge it out loud he thinks he might be fine.)

It’s fine.

I’m fine.

He walks with Yukiko and Chie to the shoe lockers, where the girls both shoot him a final knowing look before they say their goodbyes and head out together, leaving Souji to gather his thoughts as well as his things. He loiters for a few minutes. Fishing his phone out from where it’s been resting all day with the power still off at the bottom of his school bag, he debates on whether he should turn it back on or not. Eventually he decides against it and drops the phone back into the depths of his bag.

He isn’t in any real hurry to get home, though he also doesn’t exactly trust himself to take his time lest he get too deeply lost in his own head; there is so much he needs to process after this morning, after lunch, the whole damn week. It’s daunting, and he has no idea what kind of person he’s going to have to be to get through this giant, hulking mess. He wonders how thick his walls will have to be by the time this is over, and whether he’ll still have a best friend.

He isn’t certain he can fix this – isn’t certain at this point that he has the strength to try. He wants to, though, and he thinks that might make him stupid. Or desperate. Or both.

Souji sucks in a breath between his teeth and forcibly grounds himself. This, this is what he was afraid of, the creeping wave of negative thoughts that start off small and contemplative and then deceptively turn to something much darker, much heavier, until he’s buried up to this throat in dark water and it’s too late for him to pull back.

No. He refuses to sink right now, not in the middle of school grounds where people can see. One foot in front of the other, he starts to move. He wishes now that he had gone with Yukiko and Chie, if only for the distraction they would have given him.

One foot in front of the other, one step at a time, keep going. Just keep going, don’t think…

“Yo, Senpai!”

Souji stops and snaps around at the familiar voice, a brilliant, soothing flash of gold tugging at the Emperor bond inside his soul.

Kanji waves at him from a short distance away, expression bright and open and happy. When he sees that Souji has stopped walking he quickens his pace to close the gap. “Heh. Didn’t think you’d still be here,” he calls as he approaches, clearly glad to have been proven wrong.

Souji is so, so happy to see him right now. Like Naoto – but for different reasons – Kanji is safe, is good, and even after the revelation on Tuesday, Kanji hasn’t once tried to pry. He could hold it together around Kanji, he thinks.

Souji must look as ragged as he feels, because Kanji’s face falls a bit as he comes to a stop in front of him. “Everything okay, Senpai?” he asks. His plucked-thin brows furrow slightly, curious concern lacing his features.

How Souji was ever nervous around this human ball of mochi, he’ll never know.

Souji doesn’t want to lie to him, not when Kanji’s expression is so earnest. The shield he’d used with Chie and Yukiko was different; they’d somehow seen past it, just a little, and forgiven him for it due to circumstance. To hide behind it now with Kanji would feel wrong.

He sighs. “I’m better now,” he says, deciding to stay at least a little vague. It’s not his place to discuss the hallway incident this morning, anyway.

Kanji gives him a skeptical look; Souji huffs a quiet, humorless chuckle. “It’s nothing. There was an issue this morning but it’s over now.” Well, at least until Yosuke shows back up, but that’s something to think about later when Souji isn’t fighting back the disassociation for the millionth time this week.

Kanji still looks somewhat unconvinced, but he thankfully chooses not to dig. Instead, he stares at Souji for a few more seconds before apparently letting it go. He shrugs. “Okay, well, as long as you’re alright now I guess.”

Souji manages a tired smile. “I am. Thank you, Kanji.” (And if he sees the faintest dusting of pink across his friend’s ear-tips then he stifles the flattered surprise and keeps the knowledge to himself.)

“Y-yeah, no problem, Senpai.” He looks away for a moment and clears his throat. “Anyway, I was wonderin’ if you wanted to walk together?”

(Souji shouldn’t find it adorable, but he does, and he promptly tucks the thought safely away and leaves it be.)

He nods, a tiny, grateful smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. “I would like that.”

Kanji doesn’t verbally respond, just mutters something under his breath that sounds suspiciously like “damnit, too cute,” and takes a few steps in the direction of the gate.

Souji falls into step beside him, easily catching up.

They walk unhurriedly, meandering, sometimes slowing to a stop for a few seconds before continuing on. It’s casual, comfortable (after Kanji gets over his blushing), and it’s exactly the kind of balm Souji needed. He feels the dark spiral in his head slide back, back, until it’s only a weak tingle in the furthest parts of his mind rather than the creeping talons it had been before.

They chat as they make their way to the river out of some kind of absentminded habit, the topics varying from knitting (which Souji wants to learn) to cats to gardening (which Kanji wants to learn) to anything that comes to mind. As they talk, Souji notices that Kanji is more animated than he’s used to seeing. Kanji’s face is expressive and cheerful, his smile easy as he explains some of his personal projects, and it occurs to Souji that Kanji probably doesn’t get much of a chance to talk about the things he enjoys. If Kanji was still guarding himself before out of fear of being judged, having come out as bisexual and receiving nothing but acceptance in return must have broken down that particular section of wall, which Souji now has the privilege of peering through. That odd kind of pride flairs up in him again, and Souji feels his smile stretching wider as Kanji finishes telling a story about making his own sewing patterns.

He wonders just how often in his life Kanji has felt comfortable enough around a person to be this open with them, to talk about his love for cute things without shame. Likely not often, he thinks, and sadness pricks at his ribs. He’s glad he can be a source of happiness for his friend. Kanji certainly deserves it.

By this point they’ve almost reached the floodplain, the familiar stretch of grass and water slowly starting to come into view. Souji is just about to ask if Kanji would consider taking a commission for a gift for Nanako when there comes a sudden thrumming along the Fortune bond. Delighted, he looks up just in time to spot Naoto heading along the path in their direction. He smiles.

“Naoto, hello,” he calls, raising a hand in greeting. Beside him, Kanji chokes on his tongue and turns a glorious shade of dusty pink.

Naoto returns the gesture. “Hello, Senpai, Kanji-kun” they say when they’re close enough to speak without raising their voice, nodding at both of them in turn.

Kanji, to his credit, doesn’t go scurrying away like he usually does when faced with his crush. (Or, well… one of his crushes? Souji isn’t sure if it’s just Naoto at this point, but he’s certainly very amused.) Fighting a smirk, Souji watches his blond friend square his shoulders and force himself into some kind of casual pose that… doesn’t actually look very casual.

“H-hey,” he sputters, and the way his voice cracks ever so slightly is endearing as hell.

Souji wonders if he’s close enough now with either of them to start giving them gentle nudges towards one another. With that fluffy thought threatening to give his smile away, Souji decides to spare Kanji’s nerves for a moment and do the talking. He’s good at this kind of thing, after all. “Would you like to walk with us?” he asks, natural as anything. It doesn’t escape his notice that Naoto has to flick their gaze over to him from where it’s been locked on Kanji.

Naoto gives a thoughtful hum. “Well, I was doing something, but I suppose it’s finished now.” They smile. “Alright, why not?”

They take the free spot on Souji’s left so that he’s flanked on either side by his friends. It’s a good feeling – one he is selfishly going to enjoy until they all have to part ways.

“What were you busy with?” he asks as they all start moving again. Kanji keeps glancing across him over at Naoto on his other side and Souji as has to keep his face in check. He slows his pace just enough that he’s half a step behind them, making it easier for them to see each other past his shoulders. “If I may ask.”

Naoto’s expression twists a little. It’s an odd look, one that is very much a mixture of their ‘Detective Face’ and something else. “To be honest, I was tailing Yosuke-senpai.”

Oh.

Suddenly the warm and happy feeling that’s been buzzing through him sinks to someplace cold and nervous. He’d successfully managed to forget about Yosuke for a while, thanks to Kanji; he’d been perfectly content keeping it that for a while longer.

Trying not to let his fallen mood show, he holds the neutral mask in place even as he lets the smile drop. He has no doubt Naoto has already picked up on it.

It’s Kanji that spares him this time by asking, “Huh? Yosuke-senpai? What’re you followin’ him for?”

Naoto looks over at him. Souji spots the split second where their eyes flick up to study him before switching back to focus on Kanji once more. “I saw him heading to the roof during lunch but I never saw him come back down. Then after classes were over I spotted him by the shoe lockers.”

Souji startles a bit at that. Yosuke had still been at school? When he hadn’t returned to the classroom, Souji had assumed his former partner had just skipped out entirely and left. Apparently not. What would be the point of that? he wonders, and it’s bitterer than he expected. Why not just leave? That’s all he’s been doing all week.

But Naoto isn’t finished speaking, it seems. “He was acting strangely; it almost seemed like he was watching you, Souji-senpai, because I watched him hiding behind the lockers while you were talking to Yukiko-senpai and Chie-senpai. Then when you left he followed you, so I followed him.”

Naoto studies his face for a moment and Souji can’t even begin to imagine what he looks like. Yosuke had followed him? How? Granted, it wasn’t like he had been entirely outside his own head after Chie and Yukiko had left, but he would have noticed at some point, right? With as hyper-tuned to Yosuke as he’s been in the past, then surely…

“Wait,” Kanji says from over on his right. From the corner of his eye he can see Kanji looking at him, mouth twisted downward in a fashion similar to Naoto’s.

Feigning normalcy, he turns his head to give Kanji his attention. Kanji in turn tick his gaze back over to Naoto as if he hadn’t just been giving his senpai a curious stare.

“Where was he? Because when I caught up with Senpai in front of the school I didn’t see Yosuke-senpai anywhere.”

Naoto hums, their lips a tight line. “Yes, I saw all of that. While Yosuke-senpai wasn’t exactly close behind Souji-senpai, he also ran off as soon as you approached. That neither of you noticed him doesn’t surprise me.”

Kanji’s brows furrow, his eyes narrowing beneath them. “That’s…”

“Suspicious?” Naoto supplies, “Worrying? Yes, I agree.”

Souji doesn’t contribute; he’s too busy trying to keep himself grounded in the conversation at hand and not drift away into his own thoughts. He doesn’t know how to process this, doesn’t know what to think. There are so many questions now and he’s tired, he’s just so tired and hurt and he’s sick of being tired and hurt things were supposed to be different here.

“So where’s he now?” Kanji looks around, even checking behind them as if he expects Yosuke to pop out of the bushes and attempt to scare them all like a bad Halloween prank.

Souji hunches his shoulders and tucks his face into the collar of his jacket.

This time when Naoto speaks, though they’re responding to Kanji, their eyes linger on Souji – he can just barely see it past the fabric of his collar. In a way it’s almost… okay, because it gives him something to focus on, even if he doesn’t want eye contact right now. He watches Naoto chew at the corner of their lip while they look at him, likely debating how much they want to say.

After a moment, they finally reply, “He was heading towards the river when I lost track of him. I believe he might still be somewhere nearby.”

Souji freezes in the middle of the path, feeling the blood drain from his face. His lungs stop working, just stop; he cannot remember how to inhale, doesn’t have the ability to exhale, he just stands there with wide eyes and numb lips and burning lungs.

No. No no no, that’s not good, that’s not good. Souji isn’t anywhere near mentally prepared to run into Yosuke right now. Not with everything he’s found out today, not when he just learned that Yosuke, despite having been running from and avoiding him for days, was just secretly following him around less than an hour ago. How the hell is he supposed to process that?

Both Naoto and Kanji have stopped now as well, and are staring at him in concern. “Senpai?” Kanji calls, unsure. “You okay there?”

He feels himself nod but it’s a robotic response, not one of his own bidding. Naoto and Kanji exchange a look.

“Perhaps we should find a different route to take?” Naoto suggests, and Kanji nods in agreement.

He takes a step closer to Souji, raising a hand as if to reach out, when the hurried sound of approaching footsteps becomes audible over the ambience of the nearby river.

Naoto stiffens, and Souji feels his stomach drop out when a familiar voice shouts, “Heeeey! Partner!”

Perfect timing.

The words are tense, drawn-out, laced with a nervous, forced casualness that makes the hair on the back of his neck stand on end. He immediately snaps his attention towards the voice, Naoto and Kanji echoing the movement in his peripherals.

Up ahead, from the direction the three of them had been heading in and appearing from seemingly nowhere, is Yosuke. He’s power walking, moving so quickly towards them that he’s nearly jogging, making Souji feel the phantom terror of being closed in on like prey in a corner – like he’s a child again, small and frightened as an angry parent looms. Souji instinctively takes a half-step back.

Naoto takes a full step in response and moves themself in front of him. A second later, Kanji does the same.

“I didn’t realize he was so close,” Naoto whispers through their teeth. It’s a harsh sound, one that’s reminiscent of the way they speak inside the TV world when the group goes (or still went) training – low and tense.

Kanji straightens his spine, bringing himself up to his full height. “What the hell’s goin’ on?” he hisses, and the part of Souji that hears all of this is shocked and almost desperately grateful that Kanji would step to defend him even while having no idea why.

His reaction to Naoto is similar, but he also knows that Naoto at least has an inkling that something is wrong.

Case in point, when Naoto hisses back, “I’m not sure, but clearly something is.”

They stand that way, both Naoto and Kanji just in front of him and each with a shoulder between him and their oncoming teammate, like a living, two-person wall of defense.

Yosuke nearly skids to a stop before them. His face is a wild shade of blotchy red; extreme even for the chill and the way he’d just been moving. In his eyes is a kind of desperate mania that only grows more intense as he snaps his gaze to Souji just over Naoto’s shoulder. “Hey, cool, there you are, just who I needed to see.” He moves sharply, like he’s going to try and step around Naoto or maybe reach across them to pull Souji away, and something about his eyes, the way it looks like Yosuke means to grab at him, suddenly has the anxious, tight feeling inside Souji’s ribcage hatching into full-blown fear.

He doesn’t even know why.

Except yes, you do.

Old terrors come scratching at the base of this skull, threatening to overlay his current situation with others long passed – like a dozen images superimposed on a single camera shot.

Naoto steps to the side to intercept Yosuke, blocking his raised arm with their shoulder. Now behind them, Kanji moves forward and puts his own arm out, slung low so that Souji is ushered more securely behind him again. There is not an ounce of hesitation in either of their movements, both of them ramrod straight and moving fluidly, silently, like the synchronized unit they have trained to be in the TV world. Except this time, they’re in front of their leader, not just beside.

“Hello, Yosuke-senpai,” Naoto says, voice dropped to the smooth, quiet tenor of their Detective Prince guise. “Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, Senpai, you look kinda jacked. You okay?”

Tense as they are, neither Kanji nor Naoto sounds angry or defensive; in fact, other than Naoto’s pitch, they speak as if everything is perfectly normal and it’s just another typical day running into a friend outside of school. It helps a little – a sliver of calm against the surge of muscle-memory fear thrumming in Souji’s bones.

This is so stupid, he thinks, berates himself. They shouldn’t have to defend him, shouldn’t have to protect their leader from a threat that’s probably only in his head. (He should be able to handle this himself, for one thing.) The loyalty isn’t any different from what he’s seen after weeks and months of fighting together, but here, outside of the TV world is different, different, because in the TV they fight for their lives; out here they don’t need to do that. Out here he can’t summon Izanagi – out here he isn’t valuable as a commander, there’s no need.

And it’s clear that neither of them knows what’s going on; hell, even he doesn’t know what’s going on, only that Yosuke has been acting like a completely different person all week and that right now his (former?) best friend is erratic and wild-eyed and it scares him. But apparently that last part is enough for Naoto and Kanji – who can’t possibly know just how irrationally freaked Souji actually is – because here they are, standing squarely between him and someone who is still their friend, too, as far as Souji knows, with wide stances and cautiously amiable voices.

Yosuke glances at Naoto, then Kanji, as if finally noticing them. “Oh hi guys,” he says, and it’s rushed, breathy, like he’s only sparing them the absolute minimum amount of attention. He switches his focus back to Souji, who has to fight not to take another step back.

The way Yosuke is staring, he thinks there should be yellow looking back at him instead of unblinking hazel.

Yosuke rocks forward on the balls of his feet, like he wants to try and reach for Souji again but is holding himself back. He tilts his head and licks absently at his bottom lip. “Hey uh, is it cool if I steal him from you two for a bit? I really need to talk to him.”

“Shouldn’t you be askin’ Souji-senpai if he wants to go with you?” Kanji asks, genuinely innocent. “Cuz yeah, we’re just walkin’ but it seems kinda rude to talk around him like that.” He glances back at Souji, eyes questioning.

Souji barely sees it, fixated as he is on Yosuke – like a rabbit in headlights. His face feels numb, likely pale, and whatever his expression is doing must be the answer to Kanji’s unasked question because Kanji suddenly shifts his weight to better shield him.

Naoto must also notice Souji’s inability to answer, because without even looking behind themself they add, “While I certainly am not trying to police Senpai’s interactions, I have to agree with Kanji-kun.” Souji can only see part of Naoto’s face from the angle he’s at behind them, but what he can see has melted into something concerned yet increasingly wary. “You’re also more than welcome to join us if you want to, Yosuke-senpai,” they say, and it almost sounds less like an offer and more like a tentative suggestion.

Yosuke’s expression darkens in frustration, his face going tight and his jaw clenching as he keeps his features steady. It’s more unnerving than any shadow Souji has ever seen.

“Yeah, no, sorry, Naoto,” he says in that same rushed, breathy way as before, only this time it’s laced with the tension of grit teeth. He tries to smile; it looks like bared fangs. “Thanks for the offer and all that but I really kinda need to talk to Partner alone, you know what I mean?”

Naoto tilts their chin forward and stares him down.

Yosuke stares back for a moment, unmoving, before he apparently concedes the challenge and turns his feral gaze back to Souji, who has unconsciously moved to where he’s almost pressed against Kanji’s spine.

Souji wishes he could remember how to stand like a fighter, how to conjure up that confidence that somehow comes naturally to him in the TV world. He can’t. It’s awful and embarrassing, hiding behind his friends like this, but Yosuke isn’t a shadow, isn’t a formless swath of darkness and negative human emotions that Souji can just swing a sword at and call it done. Fighting otherworldly creatures is one thing, something he’s trained himself to do. Holding his own against people on the other hand – especially someone he should be able to trust – is entirely another, and it’s something the world has taught him he absolutely is not allowed to do.

“Partner,” Yosuke calls, voice borderline pleading and pitched in a way that is probably supposed to be coaxing, harmless. It sounds exactly like what Souji would imagine a starving monster beneath a child’s bed to sound like as it convinced its dinner to join it in the dark below.

Yosuke takes a step forward. “Dude, come on…”

Souji flinches. “No…” he whispers, so faint it’s just a ghost of a breath, and he doesn’t mean to, it just comes out before he can even think to reel it in. And it’s so, so quiet – nothing more than a half-gone memory dripping from his lips, and it takes Souji a second to realize he’d even said anything at all.

But close as he is, Kanji hears it.

Hesitance gone, Kanji positions himself completely in front of his senpai and rolls his shoulders back, pushing his chest out to give his already-decent height even more of a presence. “I don’t think he wants to, Yosuke-senpai,” he says, and in his words is the steely resolution of the boy that fought off a biker gang so many months ago.

Naoto must hear the difference, because their shoulders twitch like they’re mildly startled and they glance behind themself to give Kanji – and in turn, Souji – a tense, questioning look.

In that moment, that singular frame of time where his guards are distracted, Souji sees Yosuke’s threadbare patience snap.

Hazel eyes (not yellow not yellow not yellow) zero in on Kanji’s face, a frustrated, irritated grimace curling at Yosuke’s mouth like a tightening screw. “Look,” he growls, voice cracking, “this is important, okay? You can try and get in his pants or whatever the fuck you’re doing later, but right now I need to talk to him!”

Naoto actually gasps, the sound nearly drowned out by Kanji’s own exclamation of shock.

(Something pulses through the bonds in Souji’s soul.)

Everything happens like flashes of a strobe light, the time between moments obscured and blotted out so that it feels like sound and color and movement are all simultaneous, but split into freeze-frame stills that clumsily overlap. Souji feels the blood in his veins slow with it, suspending him outside the chaos as if he were a bird on a windowsill.

Naoto and Kanji are a whirl of voices, indignant and aghast and rightfully appalled.

“Yosuke-senpai, what in the—?!”

“OI! The hell?! It ain’t like that—!”

“—what is wrong with you?!”

“—you got a problem with me ‘n Souji-senpai bein’ friends?”

(There is another pulse along the bonds.)

Yosuke hunches inward, poised almost like he’s coiling for battle. “’Friends’,” he spits. He slinks to the side in the confusion, weaving as if he’s just shifting his weight to keep the other two in front of him while subtly making his way closer to Kanji’s side, closer to where Souji now stares slack jawed at the unrecognizable mess that was once his closest friend.

This isn’t right, this isn’t right! Why can’t he move?

Yosuke slides back half a step to avoid Kanji leaning low and forward into his space with fist held ready. The movement successfully puts him around Naoto’s other side, just barely too far away for Souji to reach out and touch. “Right, sure, that’s why you’ve been all over him the past week, isn’t it? Completely innocent, no ulterior motive whatsoever—“

“What the fuck?!”

“Yosuke-senpai, you are entirely out of line—“

“Like hell I am!”

(Another pulse. It’s almost like a heartbeat now.)

Yosuke dodges an arm swung his way, ducking under it and wrapping his fingers tight and burning around Souji’s frozen wrist. “Come on, dude; let’s get out of here and find somewhere safer—“

(The pulse becomes a pounding. Izanagi roars inside his mind.)

Quick as the lightning he commands, Souji’s everything flares back into life, shattering the strobe effect of his perception of time as something hot and angry surges beneath his skin. He twists his arm like he’s a statue turned to vibrant flesh and turns it in Yosuke’s grasp so that he’s the one now digging his blunted nails into the other boy’s wrist.

“No,” he seethes, and for a moment the whole world seems to tint a glowing, vicious shade of yellow.

Too far. Yosuke’s gone too far; months of fighting together, of Kanji proving himself over and over, both in battle and as a friend, of being far too lenient of Yosuke’s homophobic barbs. Everything they’ve all been through together, and Yosuke still thinks of Kanji as something vile?

And you let it happen, Souji’s mind whispers. You let him say those things and now look where we are. The pit of his stomach turns sour.

He grinds his teeth. Not anymore.

He throws Yosuke’s hand off of him, ignoring the other boy’s shocked outburst.

“Dude! What the hell?”

“Quiet.”

Souji’s voice is dark, deceptively calm. He feels it rumble in his own chest, vibrating like unspent electricity feverishly searching for a conductor. The noise around him instantly snuffs out; the cacophony of overlapping voices, the shuffle of bodies and their feet against the path, even the rush of the river appears to obey him and dull to nothing in his ears. He pulls himself up – spine, shoulders, neck – until he’s standing at his full height and looking down at the boy slowly turning white as a sheet before him. He’s never been more than an inch or so taller than Yosuke, but now, staring him down with a rising wave of newfound courage and wrath, Souji seems to tower over him.

Never again.

“How dare you,” he whispers, and in the sudden ringing quiet it sounds like distant thunder. He takes a step forward. Beside him, Naoto and Kanji fall back. Their eyes are wide, fixed on him as though mesmerized, and in his peripherals he can seem them instinctively take up their usual battle formation; not poised for attack, but readily defaulting to their positions behind their commander. He takes another step.

Yosuke looks absolutely shell-shocked. He gapes at Souji as he approaches, still standing exactly as he’d been when Souji had shoved his hand away. “P-partn—?”

“Don’t.”

Yosuke jerks like he’s been burned and takes a half step back. “Come on, man, what’s—?”

But Souji cuts him off again. “I said,” he hisses, “be quiet.”

Yosuke closes his mouth with an audible ‘click.’

“What,” Souji says, dark and resolute as iron, “is your problem?” He advances another step, crowding into Yosuke’s bubble, and the other boy quickly shuffles backwards a few more feet. Souji holds his ground. “It’s been months, Yosuke, and you’re still on this? How fucking dare you.”

The stunned faces he gets in response feels validating – he knows he doesn’t curse out loud very often, let alone like this, and the aura of authority that settles back over his shoulder as the words leave his lips is a familiar, invigorating weight. There it is; “Leader”, “Commander”, “Sensei”, “Senpai”, there it is! It wells up from within him like an endless tide, drowning out the cloistering fear from before and imbuing him with a stronger, more permanent kind of resolve.

This is what he should have been all along, the kind of leader he should have been for his team, one that can stand up for them instead of just giving them orders. He’s let this slide for far too long, should never have let it start to begin with – and for what? Out of fear? Because of the anxious voice in his brain that tells him he’ll risk Yosuke’s opinion of him if he steps in to stop the slander against another teammate?

He must not have been much of a leader before but he’ll make damn sure he’s worthy of the title now.

Guilt for his past hesitation and a fierce kind of protective solidarity lashes like fire behind his teeth; Kanji is his friend and a good person and doesn’t deserve even half of the shit that gets said about him, to him. He’d trusted Souji enough to confide in him, to come out to him, so what the hell kind of friend would Souji be if he stayed quiet now?

Souji lets the trembling, frightened version of himself fall away and in his place there comes to stand someone else: the general that the characters of his name spell him out to be, stormy-eyed and steel-boned with the breath of thunder in his lungs. He’d picked the name himself, long ago when he was still a child; time to live up to it. Time to make his lieutenant stand down.

Yosuke seems to shake himself out of his stun, his stance changing to one more grounded. His brow furrows harshly and his mouth twists into an incredulous, bewildered frown. He opens his mouth, likely to defend himself or to protest, but Souji doesn’t let him speak.

“No, you don’t get to talk right now after what you already said.” He narrows his eyes against the faint yellow at the edges of his vision, glowering at Yosuke with all the heat of everything he’s ever wished he had the courage to say.

“What does it matter?” Souji sweeps a hand over to where Kanji stands off to the side, never taking his eyes off his former partner. “What the hell does it matter what Kanji’s sexuality is? Has he ever done anything to you? To anyone?”

Yosuke gapes at him, mouth working open and closed with only choked, half-formed sounds escaping.

Souji doesn’t give him the chance to find his words. “No,” he spits, “no, he hasn’t, and before you say anything about his shadow I want you to think reeeeal hard about your own.” He tilts his chin forward, looking down the bridge of his nose at where Yosuke still gawks wordlessly up at him. Souji’s eyes narrow even further.

“A shadow is a shadow, Yosuke, it’s made of fear and repressed negativity, so unless you want to look me in the eye and tell me everything your shadow said was a hundred percent true without exception…” He trails off and levels Yosuke with a pointed look, letting the implications of his words sink in. It’s a low blow; not quite the lowest he could make but close enough, and while he doesn’t like it, it needs to be said so that Yosuke understands just how serious this is.

Yosuke looks like he’s been struck. Pain flashes across his face and he recoils as though burned. “The fuck, Souji,” he breathes, and his voice is a mixture of anger and disbelief.

(If there is just the slightest hint of pain in there, too, then Souji forces himself not to react. He doesn’t want to hurt Yosuke – after all, up until now he’s been the best friend Souji’s ever had – but he can’t let Yosuke and his homophobia keep hurting anyone else, either.)

In the seconds before Yosuke tries to speak again, Souji hears Kanji move behind him. “Senpai, it’s okay, you don’t have to—“

Souji holds up a hand, glancing over his shoulder to give his friend a short nod. “Yes. I do.”

Kanji raises his eyebrows and falls silent. Beside him Naoto still looks tense and ready to fight should the need arise. (Souji wonders just how many times they’ve had to deal with this kind of thing. He hates the thought.)

Turning back, he schools his face into the cold, carved marble mask he’s grown used to wearing in the TV world. Yosuke hunches further down as Souji fixes a grey gaze on him, center of gravity lowered in case he needs to fight or flee. Souji recognizes the action, knows he’s hit a nerve.

He finds Yosuke’s gaze with his own and holds it, unblinking. “You need to apologize.”

Yosuke finally finds his voice. With a look that could melt glaciers – though still shaky around the edges – he bites out, “Me apologize? I didn’t even fucking do anything, why the hell should I have to apologize?”

“How about for the way you’ve been speaking to Kanji for the past six months, for starters?” And Chie, he thinks, and Yukiko.

The shaky edges seem to tremble harder, nervous energy rattling Yosuke’s frame as his shoulders tense. He’s angry, yes, but there’s something else there, too, something that was also there before; a kind of desperation that has slowly begun to creep closer to panic. “You make it sound like I’ve been attacking him,” he says, and his voice is thin, crackling. “So, what? I’m supposed to feel guilty about being uncomfortable? You want me to apologize for trying to make sure nothing weird happened?”

The yellow at the boarder of his vision turns to bloody red.

“Uncomfortable?” he snarls. He feels his spine curl forward, tight and controlled and coiled like a spring, his own body finally echoing his anger and almost dropping into a low battle stance. Like a wolf prepared to charge. “Uncomfortable? And just how the fuck do you think other people feel when you go around saying shit like that?!”

Yosuke jerks backwards, thrown so off guard he nearly stumbles. The wild-eyed look is back, that desperate-panicked-barely-held-together gleam shining brightly in twin oceans of hazel.

But Souji pays no heed. “Do you have any idea how much it hurts people when you say that? You think you’re uncomfortable? You have nothing on the ones that have to listen to comments like that every day of their lives.” He pulls his lips back over his teeth, baring them, and pours every last drop of his own hurt and anxiety in to join the righteous, protective anger he feels on Kanji’s behalf. “Maybe you’re right, maybe you didn’t attack him, but that’s the kind of thing that gets people attacked!”

There are sounds behind him; his friends, the running of the river, the hammering of his heart in his ears. His throat is starting to burn from speaking so much – his body isn’t used to it anymore – and he can feel the tremors in his chest that signal the start of hyperventilation, adrenaline mixing with everything else now burning below his skin.

Everything zeros in on one point, everything else fading away as Souji stares dead-on into Yosuke’s eyes. He’s never held eye contact for this long with anyone, but he refuses to let go of it now. He throws a hand out to the side and points somewhere behind him in the general direction of where he remembers Kanji being. “Kanji,” he emphasizes, “isn’t gay, Yosuke, and even if he was, what does it matter? He’s still a friend, and a member of this team, and fuck you and your homophobia!”

There is a line somewhere, deep in his heart, one that Souji has only ever tiptoed over once or twice before in his entire life. He’d been scarred for his efforts nearly every time and so he’s kept neatly to his own side of it ever since, never daring to cross it fully lest he be left damaged beyond repair. But it’s exhausting on this side of the line, soul-rending, isolating, and after years and years and years he finally feels his resolve break.

He opens his mouth, takes a breath, and leaps across the line inside him.

“If you’re so adamant about being uncomfortable around gay men then why don’t you lay off of him and start being uncomfortable around me?!”

He stabs at the air with his raised arm, jabbing harshly with the finger he’s been pointing behind himself at his silent friends, back where the Fortune and Emperor bonds have been burning, fizzing, blinding in their intensity at the base of his skull. “Kanji’s not gay!”

(“I can’t keep it in anymore; I gotta tell somebody or I’m gonna go crazy…”

“Like, it’s too big a secret to keep by myself, ya know?”)

He pulls his arm in and points instead at himself. “I am!”

The fingers on both his hands curl into fists, clenching so tightly into his palms that he can feel the skin giving way beneath them. He digs them deeper and rides out the tsunami of adrenaline until the very end.

“I’m gay, Partner,” he repeats, spitting the nickname like it’s acid. “And I’m sorry if I don’t fit your fucking stereotypes, but maybe, just maybe, queer people are normal goddamn human beings!”

The world goes silent.

In the sudden, ringing quiet he slowly becomes aware of his breathing, the way his chest heaves like he’s been dying, drowning, and he’s somehow made it back to the surface to take his first lungful of air in years. His heart pounds against his ribs – he can feel it in his ears, his mouth, loud and insistent against the backs of his eyes. His throat aches.

Yosuke stares at him. He is frozen completely still; even his chest is motionless, like the air inside him has been turned to ice with his blood. His face is white, his lips open and trembling, and his eyes; impossibly wide, his pupils blown so that the hazel of his irises is almost totally eclipsed by inky black.

Yosuke looks at him as if he’s afraid.

Oh fuck.

Something shifts behind him. A faint, hesitant trill of gold zings its way along the Wheel of Fortune right before Naoto’s voice (at his back, much closer than he’d realized), hisses, “Senpai! Your voice!”

Oh fuck.

The breath leaves his lungs like a gunshot and Souji claps a hand over his mouth in dawning horror, tasting the coppery tang of the blood on his palm from his own fingernails. He can feel it now, the echo of his voice across the floodplain, hanging heavy in the air and in his head – the way his throat feels like he’s swallowed blistering sand. He presses his hand harder against his mouth until his lips grind against his teeth. He realizes now that he must have been shouting; that he’d lost control over his volume as he’d lost his grip on his temper, and that his vocal cords – so used to quiet, lower tones, trained for over a decade to keep the pitch he wants – have more than likely betrayed him.

He wishes he knew what he’d sounded like.

He’s unbelievably glad he doesn’t know.

Black replaces the dimming red that lines his sight, blotting along the outline like ink in water. The leftover adrenaline still dripping into his blood sparks to life again and he can feel the old, familiar fingers of panic come clutching at his spine.

What have you done?

He doesn’t look at Yosuke, still silent and fearful, doesn’t even bother to acknowledge him. He just pivots on the ball of his foot and starts to move. He breezes past Kanji and Naoto – the latter of whom, he is vaguely aware, turns almost immediately and follows after him with only a split-second glance behind.

A second, heavier set of footsteps catches up a few moments later, and he can hear the gruffness of Kanji’s voice in the way his second follower breathes.

He walks. Only on some barely conscious level does he know where he’s heading, and only then because he’d turned away from Yosuke to do so. The only way away is further down the river, so down the river is where he must be going. He lets his mind slip sideways and allows his body to stride as far and as fast away as it wants to, not even a hint of destination in mind.

It’s a long time before he comes back into his head.

When he does, it’s to find himself seated on the side of the road – well away from the river bank – with his back bowed and his head resting between his knees, both hands wrapped around his mouth so tightly he can feel the outline of his teeth through his skin.

There is someone’s hand between his shoulder blades he realizes after a time, rubbing small circles as he unconsciously rocks a couple inches forward and then a couple inches back. Like a pendulum. Or a broken chain.

“You think he’s gonna be okay?” says a voice off to his right.

The hand on his back pauses and he feels a thumb swipe along one of the knobs of his spine a few times, like the person the hand belongs to is loathe to stop entirely. Someone on his left – seated next to him, it seems – leans into the side of his vision just enough to cast a shadow in his peripherals. “Souji-senpai?” comes a different voice – higher, lighter, blue. “Are you back with us now?”

He takes in a deep breath through his nose and holds it, only releasing it when it starts to hurt. He exhales slowly through his teeth. “Yeah,” he mumbles into his knees. He has no idea if anyone can actually hear him. He doesn’t suppose it really matters. “Yeah, I’m here. I’m alright.” He gives himself a second to assess. “…I think,” he amends. Someone sighs in relief beside him.

“You had us worried, Senpai,” says the blue voice from before, the one with the hand on his back. He thinks it might be Naoto. (He’s pretty sure it’s Naoto.)

“I’m sorry,” he mumbles. He turns his head towards the blue voice but doesn’t actually raise it from between his knees. “I keep doing this to you.”

“Senpai, don’t… please stop apologizing.” The blue voice is sad, remorseful. He doesn’t like it. It should never have to sound that way.

He tries to shrug noncommittally, which is hard with his arms pinned down by his own thighs. “I don’t know how to do anything else,” he whispers.

He hadn’t really meant to say it, definitely didn’t mean for anyone else to hear it, but they did. He’s beginning to realize that they’re more attuned to him that he’d first wanted to allow.

Someone crouches next to him on his other side. It’s a warm presence, bigger than the other one, and it blots out the thin trail of sunlight that’s been soaking into his hair. “You didn’t have to do all’a that,” says the first voice, the one ringed in bleach-blond gold, rough and soft all at the same time. Like a hug when you weren’t expecting one.

Souji lets out a shaky laugh – a quiet huff of breath that makes his shoulders tremble. “Maybe I didn’t,” he whispers, “but I also kind of did.” He hopes his inflection gets his meaning across; he isn’t sure he could try for anything more eloquent just now.

Kanji lets out a sound that might be a disbelieving snort. “You really are somethin’ else.” He lowers himself entirely, coming out of his crouch to sit directly on the ground beside him. There is a long moment of silence, one that feels like two people making eye contact over the top of his head. Finally, Kanji murmurs, “Thanks, Senpai, that… meant a lot.”

He shakes his head. Slowly, he pulls his hands away from his mouth and lets them drop. He doesn’t sit up just yet though, perfectly content to stare at the dirt between his shoes. He’s too exhausted still for much of anything else. “You shouldn’t thank me for doing what I should have done forever ago.”

“Hey. You said you knew how hard it must’a been for me to come out to you, yeah? I get it, too.”

Souji starts to shake his head again, ready to protest that he’s the Leader, it’s his job as their commander and as their friend to stand up for them, to do the things too unsafe for them to do, to have their backs like they protect his in the TV world, but a large, gentle hand comes down on his shoulder – long and calloused fingers brushing along the sliver of his neck exposed past his collar. He shivers.

“No,” says Kanji, voice firm but kind. “Naoto’s right, you need to stop thinking everything’s your responsibility.” There is another pause, and a slight shift on both sides of him, the rustle of fabric quiet in his ears. The hand that Naoto already has on his back starts to move again.

It’s Naoto’s turn to sigh. “I think we all tend to forget just how human you are,” they murmur, and it’s still that sad, hushed tone from before – the one he hates because it hurts. “Including you, Senpai; you try to do everything, and we, like idiots, believe that you can, and that you don’t need our help, too, sometimes.”

He lets out another shivery exhale – it nearly comes out like a sob.

Kanji fidgets. “Naoto said they’ve seen you like this before.”

Souji nods.

“…Is it always like this? This bad, I mean.”

Souji sucks in a long breath. He nods again. “Usually,” he croaks.

“Well shit…”

Silently, the fingers at the base of his skull press into his skin, pushing tiny little spirals into the knot he already knows is there. No one says anything more for a few moments until, “That’s what happened at the cultural festival, isn’t it? After the pageant?”

He tenses. Oh please no, I don’t want to talk about that right now.

But Naoto comes to his rescue. “He was having a panic attack, yes.” They change their pattern and start smoothing their hand – much smaller than Kanji’s, with just as gentle of a touch – up and down the length of his back. Souji feels himself relax a little further.

There is a faint, tender thrum along the pair of bonds he shares with these two particular friends. He feels it vibrate along the line and into his own body, but also, strangely, he can feel it reverberating back outwards, too. He lets himself follow it, just to see, and it echoes across the Emperor and Wheel of Fortune towards one another as well as back to him. Well, he thinks, at least something good came out of this mess.

“How often do you get them?” Kanji asks. There is worry there, something a little guilty, and nononono, that’s not something that should be there. Souji is the only one that should shoulder the weight of worry; his friends don’t deserve something that heavy across their backs.

But the way Kanji asks is too genuine for Souji not to answer, so he swallows down his discomfort at being fretted over and says, more honestly than he’s accustomed to, “Too often.”

“Fuck.”

There is a long stretch of silence after that. It isn’t uncomfortable; in fact it’s relatively easy – no one is saying anything because nothing more really needs to be said right now. Souji finds he likes it this way.

There are birds chirping in the distance, despite the thin layer of fog that has been obscuring the horizon for several days now. The far-off sound of cars from the roads closer to town is there, too; all ambient noise, real and unobtrusive. It’s grounding, and blessedly calm. Eventually though, as is what happens to even the most serene pockets of time, the silence is broken.

“Hey… Naoto?” Kanji murmurs around Souji’s hunched form. There is a soft rustle from Souji’s left and a barely there, “hmm?” to which Kanji responds, “I’m uh. I’m bi.”

A beat. Then, “Oh. Well.... Thank you for trusting me with this information, Kanji-kun.” They go quiet again for a moment, contemplative. “I personally am not sure what my sexuality is, only that my gender is quite fluid.” There is a breathy chuckle near Souji’s left ear and he can practically hear the blush across Naoto’s nose. There is a smile in their voice when they add, “But you already knew that about me.”

Souji grins to himself where the others can’t see. This is progress – even if it’s on the back of something awful like yet another of his attacks. He’d gladly have a hundred more if it meant he could inadvertently make his friends happy.

One of the fingers still kneading gingerly at his neck taps against his vertebrae, like a half-hearted poke. “Senpai,” Kanji says, and Souji can’t help shifting a little to peek out at his friend from between his own knees. It’s the first clear view of either of them he’s had since his brain shut down at the riverbank.

Kanji is frowning at him, brow creased in concentration like he’s still figuring out what he wants to say. “You outed yourself,” he finally settles on, and there is a question hiding in the tone of his voice.

Souji sighs and uncurls his spine, sitting up at last. Several things pop back into place as he goes.

He watches the world in front of him, vision focusing on the middle distance as he gives his friend a tired, resigned shrug. “I did,” he admits. “I didn’t exactly plan to do that, but… I did.”

Naoto leans over a bit into Souji’s peripherals; he can see them watching his face as they say, “Perhaps it was for the best?”

Souji tilts his chin in their direction, listening without turning to look.

They take it for the sign to continue that it is. “What I mean to say is that, of course we support you, and maybe it’s one less burden to bear now.” They glance upwards to where Souji can only assume Kanji is. “Don’t you think?”

From the angle they’re all at, Souji can just barely make out the movement of Kanji nodding.

Naoto continues, “It might not have been ideal, but if it’s enough to get Yosuke-senpai to rethink his mentality, then maybe it was a good thing in disguise?” They sound unsure (which is something Souji is starting to see is a side-effect of Naoto being comfortable around someone,) as if they want to be helpful but aren’t convinced they’re doing it correctly. It’s still sweet – and Souji does understand what they’re trying to say.

He huffs, knowing Naoto will hear it for the (albeit humorless) laugh that it is. “Maybe,” he says, watching them through the edge of his line of sight. “I guess if I lose him as a friend over this then he wasn’t the kind of friend I needed in the first place.”

It hurts to say aloud; he desperately does not want to lose his best friend, his partner, but he’s worn out. If it comes to that then it will hurt, (he can already recognize the beginnings of another thorny ball of pain taking root inside his heart, as well as the emptiness that creeps in along with it,) but he was hurting before, too, every time something homophobic came dripping from Yosuke’s oblivious mouth. Every time his friend had made a comment or a statement that attacked Kanji, Souji had felt it, leaking in like rain against a battered roof, bringing the guilt of his own silence with it. He’s already in pain, but he’s tired of letting himself be hurt, tired of letting others like him be hurt, and, by proxy, tired of hurting himself. He doesn’t care so much about his own wounds anymore, though, as familiar as they are. They’re exhausting, yes, but the thing that had tipped him over the edge was the way his friends, his teammates, those that look to him for direction were being treated.

Souji can count the number of people that have ever stood up for him and this deeply-rooted piece of himself on one hand – he refuses to let that fleeting kindness stop at him.

He sees his kohai sharing a glance, though he can’t make out their facial expressions from where he’s sitting. He can tell there is a silent conversation happening around him, and while he’s curious, he also doesn’t want to pry. So he waits, confident that someone will speak up in a moment.

He’s right. Naoto gently clears their throat – an oddly nervous gesture – and mumbles, “I don’t think you’ll lose him completely, Senpai. Yosuke-senpai is a bit obtuse, yes, but your outburst may have been exactly what he needed to fix his own mistakes.”

Kanji appears to nod. “Y-yeah, what they said.” He glances around Souji’s shoulders towards Naoto again, more wordless dialogue taking place while Souji waits. Kanji leans back around again after a few seconds. “And, I mean, I dunno if you’ve noticed, Senpai, but Yosuke-senpai is kind of glued to you half the time, so…”

Souji ticks his gaze over as Kanji trails off; left curious once more, but not quite ready to look at anyone dead on.

“He seems to adore you,” Naoto concludes, and Souji shifts so that his attention switches back over to them as they speak. “It is my honest belief that he’ll come around eventually. It might just… take some time.”

I don’t really have time, Souji wants to say, but bites his tongue instead. November isn’t all that far away from March in the long run, and if he’s going to permanently lose the closest friendship he’s had since childhood then he’d rather be given the chance to grieve properly. If not, then any time spent in limbo is a waste. He doesn’t think he can win, either way.

It’s less draining just to relinquish his grip on hope.

Simultaneously, because despite him sitting up, neither Kanji nor Naoto has removed their grounding touch, the hands on his back slide inward, mirroring each other, and there is a moment where it feels like Souji is being hugged from either side. He stiffens, purely on instinct, for only the briefest flash of time, before leaning in to the awkward, three-person embrace and letting the rest of the tension bleed out of his bones.

He isn’t falling this time. There are hands to catch him.

“Thanks, Senpai,” Kanji murmurs, and Souji lets this one wash over him, letting go of his eternal need to shrug off words of gratitude. He’s not going to dismiss his friend’s feelings this time. “For all of that back there.” Kanji sighs. “I wish you hadn’t had to do that, though, cuz that’s a pretty shitty way to be forced outta the closet.”

Soui hums and the beginnings of a smile tug at one corner of his mouth. “No one forced me,” he says, and it’s lighter than he expected, truer. Like a stone has been lifted from his neck – only one out of several dozen, but even one less is still one less. He chuckles softly. “I think I just got tired of holding it in, too.”

There is a pause as Kanji looks at him; Souji can feel his friend’s eyes on the side of his face. And then Kanji laughs.

It’s low and calm, seeming slightly out-of-place when compared to Kanji’s usually much more intense demeanor, but somehow it fits him. A side that only appears around certain people – like Naoto and their lowered guard; like Souji and his genuine smiles. “Yeah,” Kanji agrees, “yeah, I know what you mean.”

From over on his left, Naoto squeezes their arm tighter around his ribs and lets out a quiet, wordless sound, breathy like a vocal exhalation. “It will be alright in the end, I think,” they say with a note of hopeful positivity.

Somewhere deep in the back of his mind, Souji tentatively allows himself to believe they could be right.

---

24 hours later, there is a letter.

24 hours later, and Souji is deathly cold in every way possible, standing in an interrogation room with Kanji, Teddie, and Yosuke, listening from somewhere far away as Dojima-san tries and fails to keep the desperation from his voice when he shouts an order back at Adachi.

24 hours later, and Souji feels the cracked, damaged pieces of his soul utterly and completely break.

Because it’s only 24 hours later, and Nanako has disappeared.

#fanfic #fanfiction #Persona 4 #p4 #souji seta #yu narukami #souyo #yosuke hanamura #Kanji Tatsumi #naoto shirogane #investigation team #transgender #trans male character #trans souji seta #trans!au #scars on my sleeve #caught in the grey #tw homophobia #tw past abuse

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mao-s-mess · 6 years ago

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Graduation ~Yoosung x MC fanfiction~

Yoosung Kim is only a month away to taking his finals exam in SKY University but MC starts acting suspicious during such a critical moment

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Graduation Yoosung x MC fanfiction Disclaimer: All Mystic Messenger characters belong to Cheritz I didn't describe MC in detail so it could be any of the 5 MCs or your very custom ones! "MC! Come on!" a boy in his early 20s with bleached blonde hair and purple-coloured hair whined with a face of disappointment.

"No 'buts'. Your parents and sister also agree this is for the best. It is after all your finals." his girlfriend, MC; said sternly as she toss a bunch of the blonde's clothes into a luggage bag that was laid out on his bed.

Yoosung Kim crossed him arms and frowned at his girlfriend as she busily goes through his wardrobe.

In about a month's time, he will be seating for his final year examination in Veterinary medicine and what has been suggested and pretty much decided for him is that he and MC will be switching houses for the next month.

"Look, when you get pressured or stressed you tend to distract or 'de-stress' yourself with sleep or LOLOL or you start stress cooking. You're too comfortable in your own home so staying at mine where there's nothing much to do will be the best for you"

She was reaching for the last drawer when he frantically ran over and held it shut with his hands.

"I'll pack my underwear myself thank you!" he insisted as his ears and cheeks turned red.

MC raised her hands and backed away from his cabinet as he selected his underwear to pack.

"I know that's where you keep your por-"

"What?"

"I- i said don't forget to pack your SOCKS."

He nodded and threw in a few pairs of socks into the luggage looking very annoyed. His breathing was irregular; deep huffs but elongated exhales, a habit he has when he wants to say something but haven't found the words yet.

As much as MC found this habit of his adorable she had to stay serious. She knew oh so well he hated things planned out for him without his knowledge or approval but the exam stress has already gotten to him and it was only a matter of time before he has a breakdown and turns to his "can't be bothered" persona.

She walked up behind him and wrapped her arms across his torso; she felt his body tensing up as she did so. She didn't need to see his face to know he was blushing at her sudden action. She smiled as she buried her face into his back.

"MC?!" he flustered waiting for a response. When he recovered from the surprise hug, he placed his own hands over hers. He could feel her breath against his back as he looked down at her arms around him.

She wasn't that much older than him and just finished her university course shortly before she stumbled upon the RFA.

When MC came into the picture, it was probably the worst time for him; he was blinded from his grief of losing Rika, major hatred towards V, was lost with his directions in life as well as had difficulty handling his emotions but she accepted all that of him and even more; she helped him out of that phase in his life.

It has been about 2 years after the incident where he lost sight in his left eye at the hands of the hacker who called himself Unknown but the two have been inseparable since the party where he proclaimed his love and kissed her then and there.

It certainly wasn't an easy relationship being Yoosung's first and he had a rather fairytale concept and expectations of how a relationship should be. He realized the hard way that you either have to be seriously rich, like Jumin Han to pull a lot of things off or have magic and he had neither.

As for MC, it was a major test of patience and constant game of reassuring for Yoosung. She didn't have a relationship as serious as this before but both of them have managed to worked things out together even though they quarreled here and there.

"I just want what's best for you.." her voice muffled from burying her face into his back.

"Okay.." he responded in a defeated tone.

He turned around to give her a kiss on the forehead, when they first dated, he wasn't that much taller than her but he started participating in some sports and also joining Zen on some runs in the park outside Zen's place so he grew a bit, definitely more physical activity than when he was just playing LOLOL when he wasn't eating or at Uni.

"You're doing this because I'm important to you right?" he said with a small smile as he placed her palm against his cheek.

"You're number 1 to me!" she flashed the smile that he loves so very much.

"Meowww~"

Lisa, the cat they adopted together from Jumin 2 years ago nuzzled up against Yoosung's leg.

MC bend down to pick up Lisa to cradle her.

"Lisa's a close second tho, we're both rooting for you!"

Yoosung scratched Lisa behind her ear as she purred.

"Okay fine... I'll do it. I'll spend a month in your place for the finals... Thank you for thinking about me."

"Thank you! I've already asked Seven to help with your LOLOL. Either he plays your account or he'll assign a bot to it"

"A BOT?! I don't want to get banned! I'm currently number 1! I've only managed to beat Seven because he's always away on assignments now"

"Banned? Please. This is Luciel we're talking about. How bold of you to think he'll screw this up, this is a walk in the park for him."

"...Fine... i have lots of important gears there you know..."

"I know how much LOLOL is important to you. It was number 1 for you before I came along ;p " she said cheekily as she looked around for more things to pack.

"Okay okay.. can we have dinner and dates at times?"

"Yes of course! We'll play by ear as usual around your schedule"

"Okay.. how about next week, Wednesday then? I'm free the whole day"

MC froze up.

...?

"Uhm.. next Wednesday.. is no good... I have a meeting with Jaehee about uhm some part time event work thingy"

There it was. A habit Yoosung knows very well.

MC can't hide secrets or tell lies very well. On the Messenger and texts it's not so much of a problem. It's the face to face and phone calls that gives it away, she'll start to avoid eye contact and stutter.

"What are you hiding?"

"NO-NOTHING!" she waved her hands furiously as she went to grab more shirts from Yoosung's cupboard.

"I just have a meeting planned with Jaehee that is all! About some part time work thingy-YEA!"

Yoosung's brows scrunches up.

"And that's the reason you want me to bug her phone?" A boy not that much older than Yoosung with bright reddish orange hair and amber-coloured eyes asked with raised eyebrow.

Luciel Choi aka 707 was the RFA's secret agent/hacker/nonsense maker. He has a love for fast cars, cats, honey buddha chips and dr pepper. Yoosung came over (after a few attempts of trying to decipher Seven's security system) because MC hasn't revealed any plans on her day with Jaehee and that just made even more suspicious especially since her fabrication details keep changing.

First it was a meeting then it was a shopping trip and then it was a Zen fanclub related outing and then she said she was meeting family.

"She's not telling me anything. She usually does in the end"

"Maybe she's trying to keep something from you"

"We're not suppose to keep secrets! It's bugging me so yes that's why i want you to bug her phone so I can find out. What if she's not meeting Jaehee, what if- what if-"

Seven slapped a packed of Honey Buddha Chips across Yoosung's face (semi lightly) as he had chips in his own mouth, shaped like a duck.

"You realized this is MC. The woman who put up with your emotional ass even after you keep comparing her to Rika. If she didn't abandon you then, what makes you think she'll abandon you now"

Yoosung bit his lips. He knew Seven was right, words stung but he was definitely right. MC cheating on him would be the last thing she'd ever do. He felt bad doubting her for that option.

"I still want to know what she's hiding from me though"

"Ugh. You'll never leave until you get something anyway. So what's in it for me"

"That LOLOL limited edition gacha item you couldn't get because the event happened when you went incognito 2 months ago."

Seven's mouth opened and his duck chips fell out.

"WHAT... ARE YOU SERIOUS. PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY AUCTIONING THAT OFF FOR REAL MONEY"

"You can have it. I also got the rare one too"

Seven did an impression of Edvard Munch's The Scream. He was that much in shock.

"If i take it i can sell it for real money too?"

"Do whatever you want with it"

"Even to buy new accessories for my babies?"

"Wait-can it be auctioned off that much?"

"NO TAKE BACKS. Do we have a deal? Your LOLOL rare item for an all access day pass to MC's phone"

"Do it."

"YAHOO~ LET'S DO IT THEN" he swiveled around on his chair to face his monitors and starting tapping away at the keyboard.

"Tapping into her GPS location... Done.. She's at a cafe not too far off from the C&R building.. Let me just pull up one of the security camera feed and... THERE. "

Yoosung leaned over towards the monitor and sure enough there was MC.

"OHMYGOSH WHO IS THAT A HOT GUY SHE'S WITH" Seven exclaimed.

Yoosung heart leaped and started panicking as he scanned the monitor in depth.

"Oh. LOL. My bad. That's just Jaehee. 8D "

It was Yoosung's turn to slap Seven with the Honey Buddha Chips packet across the face; sure enough MC was with another RFA member, Jaehee Kang; personal assistant to Jumin Han.

He breathed a sigh of relief.

The two girls seems to be chattering away happily when MC's face turned serious as she put her cup of coffee down.

"Can we listen in on them" Yoosung asked as he tries to read their lips but failing.

"Okay okay..." Seven said as he starting clicking away at the keyboard again.

Some feedback could be heard on the speaker when MC and Jaehee's voice came on.

---

Jaehee: So what was it you wanted to talk about? And why are we keeping a secret about this from Yoosung?

MC: Well... cos it's embarrassing really..

Jaehee: Embarrassing? With how you two are always at each other, showering cringe-worthy compliments and texts? How can anything be embarrassing?

MC: Heehee...

MC clapped both her hands together suddenly in a pleading manner.

MC: JAEHEE TEACH ME HOW TO MAKE A GOOD CUP OF COFFEE PLEASE

Jaehee: What. Why me. And Yoosung learned how to brew coffee from his coffee club, wouldn't that be better?

MC: But you have more in depth info on it.. You are passionate about the beans and the roast.

Jaehee: A month ago you asked Mr. Han for a private cooking session with his chef. Then you were looking around for some classes on baking.. Now coffee from me? What's going on.

MC fidgeted and looked down, her face turning red.

MC: Well... I'm trying to be a good girlfriend for Yoosung.

Jaehee: I don't understand, aren't you already a good one? He can't stop raving about you.

MC: To be honest, he doesn't show it but he's doing most in the relationship. He'll insist on cooking and he's always trying out new recipes, he also insists on being the one paying for dates even though he isn't working yet, he saves up a lot for our dates. I try to help but his ego won't allow me to take some of that burden away, he believes as the man in the relationship, he's got duties to fulfill.

At this point a warm smile came across her face.

MC: He's giving his all to become a vet when he didn't have any motivation or purpose before; medical isn't an easy line and he's working extra hard because of his left eye injury too and he'll be so busy soon getting that license and practical and all.. I don't know...

MC blushes as she took another sip of her drink before she continued

MC: I just... I want to do more than just offer words of support to him. I want to support him as much as I can even something as little as cooking for him or preparing a cup of coffee when he needs it. I'll be looking for work soon so that I don't seem like a bum that is leeching off him.. So at least I can help our wit the groceries or bills and transport fees and all.. And probably save up for trips for when he gets a break and stuff... I just... I just want to do more for him you know?

Jaehee gave a small giggle as she slid her fork through the slice of cake in front of her.

Jaehee: You're really something.. Always having such a positive attitude towards the face of change. Or danger.

Jaehee shuddered at the memory.

Jaehee: I hope that bomb is finally removed.

MC and Jaehee laughed at that remark as they continued on.

---

Back at Seven's headquarters (?), Yoosung stood stunned at the conversation he just eavesdropped on.

After a while, tears welled up in his eyes and he turned furiously red in the face.

"Whoa. You're as red as my hair" Seven said as he grabbed his phone to snap a photo of Yoosung's crying face.

"You-you meanie. Whydyouhabtotakeapicturofme"

"Can't understand you. SELFIE" He grabbed Yoosung by the shoulder and snapped another photo before he ruffled up Yoosung's bleached hair.

"You realize how frickin' blessed you are now? Now go and study hard for that examination of yours. If not for Rika, If not for yourself then make it for your future with her."

Yoosung rubbed his eyes with the sleeves of his beloved hoodie. Another renewed resolution for himself.

Half a year later the RFA gathered at Yoosung's graduation ceremony at SKY university

"To think that kid didn't bothered with uni in the beginning, I didn't even know he was taking a course like veterinary" Zen said as he occasionally stopped to smile and wave at some female fans. His career as a musical artist soared beyond the stage and onto television in the past few years. That also meant more fans.

"Well he did it for Rika at first because of Sally..." V stated as he was adjusting the settings on his camera to ensure he doesn't miss any shots of Yoosung. Much to persistence of his fellow RFA members, he managed to receive an operation on his right eye to stop him from going blind. He slowly started to take photographs again.

"He always did perform better if it's for someone else but it is rather surprising that he graduated at the top of his class and is chosen as the valedictorian." Jaehee said as she scanned through the graduation event schedule.

"He worked really really hard! His parents and sister are in the front, i saw them just now. They're so so proud!" MC said proudly.

"Indeed he did, his results were so superb it caught wind from one of our medical panel and they've offered him a position in one of our hospitals to undergo private practice so his future is secured as of now" Jumin Han spoke in his usual tone of voice. "I did not even need to put in any word of recommendation."

"I managed to retrieve my number 1 spot in LOLOL again because of this, he stopped religiously for the past few months" Seven said as he took a sip from a can of Dr. Pepper.

"It was nice of him to invite all of us. I know 2 tickets were allocated but you can purchase additional tickets for everyone else." Zen said as he posed for some girls who were trying to sneak a photo of him.

"Oh i paid for it. C&R is a major sponsor for the graduation, which is why we have such good and somewhat private seating" Jumin stated as he adjusted his cuff links.

"Tch. You just had to ruin it" Zen glared at the trust fund kid. Their relationship, as usual; have seen better days.

"I think it's great we're all here though" MC said happily.

"Yea, Jaehee and I weren't there for his high school one and we got to make sure we get proper smiling one for today!" Seven said with determination.

"Oh, it's starting" V said as he readied his camera, he brought his best zoom lens for this as the crowd quieted down.

Professors and head of programmes gave their welcome speeches before the calling of graduates, there were a lot of names being called out. The RFA cheered and clapped loudly when Yoosung's name was read out.

Yoosung walked proudly onto stage as he tipped his graduation cap to the head of programme upon receiving his degree and posing for a picture. A proud moment for him and those who were there for him. They all waited for the rest of the graduates to receive their degrees before Yoosung was called to stage to deliver the valedictorian speech.

"An-nyŏng-ha-se-yo! My name is Yoosung Kim and I am honoured to be delivering the Valedictorian speech this year."

A round of applause roared across the hall as the his Amethyst eyes scanned the crowd for the RFA and his beloved.

"It's really an honour because I wasn't always a model student. Well I was in high school but something happened that made me not take the first 2 years of university seriously."

"You see, I failed my exams and sometimes I'd fall asleep in class. I'd forget days where there are quizzes and had almost no motivation to come to class, I would often skip classes to play LOLOL."

"However, there were people who did not give up on me and I am thankful that I was given another chance to pick myself up. I knew I had to put in the extra effort as I wasted the first two years despite having an accident that caused me to lose sight, literally; in my left eye. It wasn't easy that is for sure but because of this 2nd chance, I did the best I could in all classes and I guess it showed with my results and also the fact that I was chosen as the Valedictorian. "

"What I'm trying to say is, sometimes in life we'll get lost and we don't perform our best, we fall and fail and when that happens, it feels like you're surrounded by darkness but I know of a saying, "Fall seven times, get up eight". There is a light in all of us, sometimes you'll find it yourself but most times you are assisted by outsiders to help you realise your potential. I have friends and family inside and outside the uni that had my back, professors who saw my efforts in getting better helping me out and most of all, I have a wonderful and supportive girlfriend that stood by my side and I'm really thankful for that. It was because of her that I felt that i could do anything and everything I set my heart into."

"This kind of feels déjà vu-ish" Zen said as he listened intently to Yoosung's speech.

"SKY University never gave up on their students and i am proof of that. So fellow students and friends, we tip our hats to our Professors, to our family and friends that have supported us but most of all, give yourself a pat on the back because we made it!"

He ended his speech with a word of congratulations to the students and wishing them the best in their future before walking off the stage with a round of applause tailing him. As soon as he got off the stage he nodded to his family before running off to meet the members of the RFA.

He was congratulated by every member but his eyes were fixated on MC.

"Congratulations on graduating!" MC said as she threw her arms around him when she had the chance to.

Yoosung blushed and gave a cheeky grin.

"Who'd have thought I'd be chosen to deliver that speech!"

"Not us" said almost all of the RFA in unison in less than a split second.

"YOU GUYS ARE MEAN!" Yoosung said with a puffed up cheek before breaking into laughter with the rest of the RFA.

"I'd like to personally thank every one of you for being here and for never giving up on me when I wasn't bothered with uni."

Then he turned to MC

"Most of all, thank YOU for coming into my life and blessing me with all of you. I graduated from uni but I feel like I have also graduated from my old self with the end of this chapter in my life. It's time to move on with the next chapter and I feel like I can take anything on as long as you are by my side. "

"So..."

He held her hand when he suddenly kneel down on one knee to everyone's surprise and took out a small box from underneath his robe and opened it to reveal a ring.

"MC, will you please marry me and make me an even happier person than I thought I could ever be?"

THE END

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