#And I mean. C’mon. We live in a for-profit society. Do you really think they intend on curing or fixing anybody?

[my-chemical-rot]

Not to be anti-psych on main but people act like the psychiatry industry is sooooooooo perfect and helpful and great nowadays as if they didn’t drill holes into people’s brains and literally torture marginalized people with restraints and isolation and electric shocks less than a century ago. The horrors of lobotomies & insane asylums are still very recent and forced hospitalization & forced treatment still traumatize people every goddamn day

[taehyungs-perm]

strawberry girl pt 4

taehyung x reader; college au; childhood best friends to lovers au; jock!fratboy taehyung

genre: fluff; major angst lol

word count: 11k

summary: i can pretend i don’t miss you. i can pretend i dont care. all i want to do is kiss you. what a shame you’re not here.

Part 1 here ; Part 2 here; part 3 here; part 5

playlist vibes

i like me better | lauv 

get you | daniel caesar 

japanese denim | daniel caesar 

lovers | anna of the north

comfort crowd | conan gray

idontwannabeyouanymore | billie eilish 

It was probably not ideal to start your morning by sobbing in the lap of your best friend, but it be like that sometimes.

Hana was softly combing the little strands of hair out of your face, “_________, it’s okay. Why are you so upset about this?”

You rolled over so you could see Hana, brushing the hair out of your face, “Because Hana, I told you what happened last time. I fell for him and it hurt me so much. I was trying so hard to avoid this.”

She looked at you with a serious look in her eyes, “__________ you can't choose what feelings you feel. But you can choose how you act. You have to tell people how you feel when you feel it. You missed that chance two years ago but you have it again now. This is a good thing. Tell Taehyung how you feel.”

You sat upright, looking at her seriously, “Hana, it’s not that simple. He probably doesn’t like me back. And if I confess and he says he doesn’t like me like that, then what? I’ve ruined our friendship over something that doesn’t even matter.”

“It does matter! Your feelings do matter. And that won’t happen. I’ve seen the way he looks at you when you aren’t paying attention. He definitely likes you. Stop over thinking.”

“I’m not overthinking. If anything, I’m not thinking enough. I just should keep my mouth shut and hope this goes away.”

Hana shook her head, “What the fuck will that do? You’ll just sadly pine over him from a distance while he continues to fuck the rest of campus. Will that make you happy? Seeing him do that?”

“Hana, if Taehyung and I were meant to be, we would have been by now. But we aren’t. We are two different people and he just doesn’t see me like that.”

“And I’m telling you that he does! Even Jungkook has noticed the way Taehyung acts around you. It’s obvious to everyone but you.”

“It was just like this last time too, Hana. I thought he was so into me, but he wasn’t. He was into some other girl the whole time. It made me feel like a piece of shit. Like I was worthless and that I created this romance all in my head. I’m sick of waiting for love and I realized my life isn't anything special.”

She put her hands on your shoulders, “You have to start romanticizing your life. You have to start taking risks and do things for yourself. If you keep being afraid of what could happen, life will continue to pass you by and all the little things that make it so beautiful will continue to go unnoticed. You can’t keep wallowing in self pity. You need to do something about your life and for once not let it fuck you over. This isn’t just about Taehyung. This about how you live your life. I know you better than you think __________.You have to start thinking of yourself as the main character. You need to change your mentality of thinking you’re worthless and not enough.” 

You sighed deeply, knowing everything she’s saying is so true, “I know it okay. I know it’s the fucking capitalist misogynistic society that cultivates these ideas of insecurity and women and profits off of it to create an endless cycle of ‘I don’t feel enough’. And I want to get to that point where I can feel like I’m enough on my own. But it’s hard.”

Hana pulled you into a hug, “________ I know it’s hard. I just don’t want all of your fears and insecurities to stop you from achieving your dreams and going after things you want.”

You pulled away from her, “Do you really think I should tell him?”

She nodded excitedly, “I really, really do. Tonight is the perfect chance.”

You let out a deep sigh, releasing all the pent up tension in your body, “Okay. Tonight.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You and Hana made your way through the somehow already crowded lodge.

“God, Jungkook is such an idiot. I told him not to invite too many people because he only has one house, but guess what?” Hana said huffing as she firmly gripped her duffle.

“What?” You were following closely behind her so as to not get stuck in the crowd. 

“He somehow got permission to use his neighbor’s lodge too. As long as everything is exactly how it was. Which there’s no fucking way that’ll happen.”

You nodded in agreement. There were already too many fucking people here. But to be fair, you and Hana did arrive late. Most people arrived in the early afternoon to go skiing and tubing. You and Hana decided to catch up on homework and studying and arrived in the early evening instead. Hana ensured that both of you dressed in cute outfits because she really wanted to take photos for her Instagram. 

Hana was wearing an emerald green satin tank top with black skinny jeans with black strappy heels.

You rarely wore dresses because the lack of practicality with no pockets infuriated you but Hana somehow convinced you to buy the maxi length black floral dress you were wearing. It had thin straps so you paired the dress with a black long sleeve shirt and white sneakers.

She dragged you upstairs. “Jungkook gave us this room,” Hana said, taking you down the hall. 

“Us?” You asked snarkily. 

“Okay, in theory I’m supposed to stay in this room with you.” 

“But?”

“But...I’ll stay with Jungkook and Jungkook’s roommate will stay here.”

You already knew where this was going and you felt your anxiety growing. You rubbed your temples, “Don’t tell me..”

“Taehyung said he’s perfectly okay with it so...”, she said through a large grin.

“Hana, I told you. I just-”

“And I told you! He likes you too! This is your chance. Your opportunity!! You two are so cute together. You just need to talk to him about your feelings,” she said pushing you into the room. Thankfully, there were two beds. You felt like you couldn’t handle another night next to Taehyung. You might literally have a heart attack, feeling his body that close to yours again. 

“I don’t know Hana. I don’t know if tonight is the right time,” you said, setting your duffle bag on your bed. 

You were about to continue before you heard a knock on the door. At the doorway was Taehyung and Jungkook, the causes of your incoming migraine.

Jungkook walked over to Hana and enveloped her in a big hug. “I missed you, love,” he said as he kissed her forehead.

“Miss you too,” Hana mumbled from his embrace.

Your heart yearned with longing at this interaction. How you so badly you wanted someone to love you. How so badly you wanted Taehyung to love you back. You then remembered that he was in fact standing right in front of you.

You smiled awkwardly at him. His fluffy curly hair was covering his eyes a bit. He was dressed in a somewhat sheer black floral shirt tucked into black skinny jeans. He looked like a model. He waved recognizing that you were a bit uncomfortable.

Jungkook, still with Hana in his embrace, left the room, saying something about how she needed to see the beer pong table in the basement.

“Hey,” Taehyung said casually, leaning against the door entrance.

You felt your heart beating fast. God, did he always make you this uneasy?

“Hi,” you squeaked. Oh my god. Why are you acting like this? Can't you just be chill?

He laughed, “Are you okay?”

Be chill. Act normal. “I’m fine. Just tired. I was at the library since you left this morning.” You were trying to distract yourself as you started unpacking some things from your duffle. He walked over and sat on your bed next to your duffle.

“Hmm. Seems like we’ll be spending another night together,” he said, grinning wickedly. 

Your cheeks reddened at his words. You cleared your throat, ”Well, you’ll be sleeping in your own bed. So not really.” You continued to take out items from your bag, so you didn’t have to make eye contact with him. 

He angled his face in front of your bag so you had to look at his doe eyes, “Oh really. It’s just that after last night, I don’t know if I can sleep without you next to me again. By the way, I usually sleep shirtless.”

You immediately felt your face flush and the textbook that you were holding (you brought it just in case you got bored) slipped from your hands, thudding loudly on the wooden floor. 

He gave you an infuriating smile as he leaned down and picked up your textbook. 

“Sure everything is fine?” He said handing you the book.

“I’m perfectly fine! We should go downstairs,” you said hastily as you set the book on the bed.

“Okay, let’s go,” he said standing up.

“Wait lemme fix my hair,” you said glancing in a mirror. It looked like you just woke up. Which to be fair, you kinda did sleep the entire way to the lodge.

You undid your braid and pulled it into a ponytail. You turned to him and he frowned. 

“What?” You said, feeling self conscious.

He walked over to you and pulled the hair tie out of your hair, “I like it when your hair is down.” He secured your dark pink scrunchie around his wrist. 

Your heart fluttered. Wait, did that mean he didn’t like when your hair was styled in other ways?

He pulled your hand and gave you that contagious smile, “I know what you’re thinking. I do think you look good in different hair styles. I like it when you wear braids or ponytails. But you rarely wear your hair down. I want you to know that I like that too.”

You looked down at the wooden flooring, trying to hide your smile, “Fuck off. I could care less what you think.”

“Ayy, there’s my girl. Now c’mon you look pretty let’s go!” Taehyung said, leading you down the stairs.

It seemed like time had no concept here as everyone was drinking and dancing as if it were midnight. Taehyung led you to the basement where there were somehow even more people. The colored lights were flashing and the music was blaring.

You found your friends sitting on the couches towards the back. Hana was sitting on Jungkook's lap next to Yoongi and Hobi. Even though you technically came with him, Taehyung’s presence was making you overly jittery so you opted to sit in the free seat next to Jimin. He gave you a cheerful smile and you tried not to look at Taehyung as he sat opposite of you two. Hana glared at you in frustration when she saw your seat choice. You responded by flipping her off and turned to talk to Jimin.

Your conversation with Jimin was cut off by Jungkook exclaiming, “Okay, let’s play truth or dare.”

Hana scoffed, “Are you kidding Jungkook? That game is for children.”

“Not the way we play it,” he said, raising his eyebrows.

You immediately shook your head, “I’ll sit this out.”

Jimin whined at you, “Cmon ________ you have to play.”

You shook your head, laughing, “In your fucking dreams.”

Jimin stroked his chin with his hand, thinking hard, “You have to play otherwise...”

Hana chimed in, “Otherwise I’ll hide your textbooks.”

You narrowed your eyes at her, “You wouldn’t dare.”  

“Try me bitch” Hana said with a smirk. 

You sighed, giving up because you knew she actually would do it, “Fine but if it starts getting fucking weird I’m leaving.”

The dares got weird pretty fast. 

Jin was dared to lick whipped cream off of Yoongi's leg. Hobi and Namjoon were dared to go skinny dipping in the pool. Taehyung had to sit on Namjoon’s lap for the rest of the round. Jungkook revealed almost too many truths about himself, talking about his fantasy threesomes and his kinks. Hana was dared to do body shots off of Jungkook (she seemed a little too excited for that). Jimin was dared to remove his shirt for the rest of the game.

Luckily you had only been asked two times and chosen truth both times. Namjoon and Hobi were nice enough to ask questions that weren’t too exposing. However, things started going downhill once it was Hana’s turn again. You swore you saw her eyes glitter with mischievousness. 

“_________, You already used up your two truths, right?”

Fuck, you forgot about the two truths only rule. 

Jimin piped up, “Yep! She did.”

God, fuck Park Jimin for being such a boy scout. You nodded weakly. Your heart started to pound. You knew she was going to say something stupid. You uneasily glanced over at Taehyung. He had been suspiciously quiet to you all night, but you also were actively avoiding him. 

Hana cleared her throat, making sure to get everyone’s attention, “Okay so _________ I dare you,” she smiled widely and you knew you were fucked, “I dare you to make out with Taehyung.”

Your mouth gaped open. She didn’t. You looked at Taehyung and his face was almost as shocked as yours. 

You chuckled nervously, side eyeing Taehyung, “No, no.” 

Taehyung spoke softly, “Nah she doesn’t have to if she doesn’t want to.”

Jungkook laughed loudly, clearly having a great time at the expense of your misery, “It’s the rules. She has to. Other people had to do way worse tonight.”

You felt your face heating up and your heart was beating faster with anxiety. 

Jimin was trying to help the situation, “How about they go in the guest room so it won’t be as awkward.”

Hana pondered this for a moment, “You have to send a picture then. We need evidence that you guys actually kissed.”

You tried protesting but Jimin physically pulled you off the couch while Hobi did the same to Taehyung.

“Guys, guys, how about you give me another dare? I promise I’ll do that one. Just give me a pass,” you pleaded as Jimin dragged you to the guest room.

Your pleas went unheard as Jimin and Hobi pushed you and Taehyung into the guest room with the rest of your friends following behind. Once Jungkook slammed the door close, you tried pressing against the door but it wouldn’t budge. You sighed and dropped to the ground. 

“C'mon guys just let us out,” Ttaehyung tried to say in a serious voice, leaning against the door. 

“Kiss and then we will let you out,” Jungkook shouted through the door. 

Taehyung ran his hands through his hair and sat next to you, “We can just wait it out. They’ll let us out eventually.”

You nodded and buried your face in your hands. Then you heard chanting outside the room “Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!” 

Oh my god, I’m going to literally murder Hana. I am not going to do this right now.

He leaned next to you and whispered quietly, “I know you don’t wanna do this so let’s just sit here and wait. It’s okay, don’t let what they are saying get to you.”

You looked at him and felt your heart swell. God, you were so in love with him. 

The best you could hope for was that they get tired and give up. However, It had been like 10 minutes and the chants were still going strong 

You looked at him, desperate, “What the fuck do we do?”

He chuckled nervously, “Um...we could kiss?”

You looked at him. You could but this isn’t what you wanted. You wanted him to want you because he liked you, not because of some game.

You felt your anxiety come to a point where it was overwhelming and you weren’t thinking properly so you said rather forcefully, “No!”

His puppy dog eyes lost its spark. He dropped his head, “Oh.. ok. I know you think I’m really annoying or whatever but I didn’t think you hated me.” He sounded hurt. 

You groaned, shutting your eyes in frustration, “Ugh it’s not like that.” God, he was totally misinterpreting the whole situation.

Taehyung looked at you, clearly confused, “Then what is it like? Cause it seems like you’re so repulsed by the idea of kissing me.”

Then without thinking, you frustratingly yelled, “Oh my god, I just don’t want it to happen like this!”

Your eyes widened in realization of what you said. 

You began to stumble out your words, “I mean like I just think it’s weird because we are so platonic and like it’s weird and I think we can forget everything I just said.” 

Your words were becoming a train wreck and you couldn’t watch the disastrous scene unfolding in front of you.

He stared at you, wide eyed. He leaned his head against the wall, completely silent.

Oh my god, I need to fucking get out. You looked around the room and saw a small window at the top of the opposite wall, next to the bed. Bingo.

You glanced over at Taehyung. He was on his phone, texting. He probably thinks I’m a fucking psycho. 

You tightened the laces on your shoes and walked over to the dresser next to the bed. You climbed on top of the dresser and then you pushed on the window hard. It creaked open 

You heard Taehyung's voice behind you, “_________, what the fuck are you doing?” 

“I just need some fresh air you know. I just need to do this really fast.” You pushed the window fully open and you felt the cool air of the night press against your face

You were able to reach your arms through the window and once you got a good grip on the grass, you began to hoist yourself up.

“_________! What are you doing?” You couldn’t look back at Taehyung, but he sounded very confused and shocked.

“Um I just really need to go. I'm feeling so claustrophobic,” you struggled the words out as you pushed yourself through the window. Once one of your legs made it through, you began crawling out the window, “Ow! Why are there so many fucking rocks?”

You hadn’t realized that while you were struggling to crawl out the window, Taehyung had shouted to your friends on the other side of the door about your antics. 

You heard voices fill up the room and Hana’s voice yell, “_________ get the fuck down here! You could get hurt! What are you doing?”

Great, this is exactly how I wanted the night to go. But it was too late, you were already more than halfway out.

“It’s fine.” You shouted back, “I’m okay!” 

You exclaimed a cheer of victory once you were able to make it through the fucking window. You stood up and looked down at your clothes. Your dress was caked in mud. This is so great. Your life was a fucking mess. 

You looked around and realized you were by the pool. You desperately hoped none of your friends would come up looking for you. You dusted off the dirt from your dress and walked around the pool. You walked into the kitchen and breathed out a sigh of relief when you didn’t recognize anyone there. Then you heard Taehyung’s familiar voice and immediately ducked behind the kitchen island.

You glanced up and sighed when you saw him with Jennie. She was smiling and had her arm wrapped around his neck. He was keeping his distance with him trying to pull her arm away from her. You didn’t wanna stick around any longer because you were worried you would see something that would upset you. You made your way back to your room upstairs. 

Obviously seeing Taehyung with Jennie hurt you, but what could you do? They had history, real history and you were simply Taehyung's friend. How could someone like you ever complete with someone like Jennie? You loved Taehyung but how could that even compare what Jennie could offer him. He said to you that he wasn’t looking for a girlfriend, just sex and Jennie was giving him exactly that. It was so fucking stupid of you to think you could confess to him.

Once you got to your room, you changed into black sweatpants and a simple gray tee shirt. You grabbed a towel and headed to the empty hot tub in the back of the house. 

Finally a spot where there’s no one and where no one will find me.

You rolled up your pants and soaked your legs in the hot water. You pulled out your phone and started reading the new book you started this week, Malcom X’s autobiography.

It felt really relaxing and peaceful to simply be by yourself for a while. Being social situations always drained you out a lot. You became so absorbed in your reading that you didn’t notice Taehyung walking up to the hot tub. 

“Hey strawberry girl,” he said right into your ear.

You got startled by his closeness, almost dropping your phone, “Oh my god, you’re so annoying.”

“So...what happened? Why the fuck did you crawl out of a window?” He asked, concerned 

The million fucking dollar question. Time to play it off chill. “I dunno. It just got kinda overwhelming. I told you I was getting claustrophobic.”

You obviously couldn’t tell him you were so fucking afraid of your feelings toward him and how you couldn’t possibly kiss him (game or not) because he most likely doesn’t like you back.

Luckily, he didn’t press further “Yea, it’s actually really nice and quiet out here. Can I sit with you here?”

You nodded and he sat next to you, not dipping his feet in the water.

“I’m so fucking sore from all the practices and games this week,” Taehyung said, stretching his shoulder.

“You should get in the hot tub. It'll relax and soothe your muscles,” you said still reading on your phone, not looking up at him.

He stood up, “That’s a good idea.” 

You assumed he would agree and then go and grab his swim trunks. Except Taehyung didn’t do that.

You heard a light clanking noise and looked up at him. He was taking off his belt and unzipping his pants right in front of you. You felt your entire face redden, mortified at what he was doing, “Taehyung. what are you doing?” You said averting your gaze.

“I’m getting in the hot tub?”

“Go and get your swim shorts!”

“Nah, fuck that. Don’t worry _________, I’m not going in nude.”

Thank god. You don’t know what you would’ve done if he decided to do that.

You peeked at him from the corner of your eyes. He was wearing blue boxers and he was unbuttoning his floral shirt. He luckily was wearing a black short sleeve shirt underneath. He had really nice calves, tanned and well defined. 

Taehyung stepped into the hot tub and let out a deep moan. Your face reddened at the sound. 

Then, your eyes met. Then, all while giving you a deep stare, Taehyung reached behind his neck to pull his shirt off. You felt your face flush even further. He has to know what he’s doing to me. He has to know that he’s riling me up with all of these moves. 

You gulped at the sight of his prominent collar bones and honey colored skin. You tore your eyes away from him and tried to concentrate on your book. 

It didn’t work because Taehyung's suspiciously quiet presence unnerved you. 

You set your phone done and raised your eyebrows at him, “What?”

“What? I haven’t said anything”

“Exactly. You’re being quiet. Which is weird.”

“You said you liked how peaceful it was out here. So I wanted to let you enjoy it.”

“Whatever. It’s weird when you're quiet,” you sloshed your legs in the water.

“_________?” Taehyung wasn’t looking at you anymore, he was staring at the water. 

“Yea,”

“Why haven’t you had a boyfriend?”

Ouch. 

“Why are you asking me that?” you said a bit hurt.

“I didn’t mean it to come off as mean. I’m just curious. Because, I don’t know, you say you want love. But did you go after it?”

“Why are you thinking of that?”

“Well, cause I dunno. I never thought about love. Or getting a girlfriend. But on the way here Namjoon hyung and Jungkook were just talking about how great it is. Being in love and having someone to love. And someone loving you back. And Jin hyung said he has met someone as well but he’s keeping it lowkey. And then you talked about how you want love too. That’s why you’ve waited. I know you've had crushes. But I don’t know why you haven’t gone for it yet. Or why you haven’t had a boyfriend yet.”

You stared at your feet in the water. He wasn’t trying to be mean. He just wanted to know about your life. You felt like you should be more honest with taehyung. He was always so genuine with you.

“I don’t know Taehyung. There’s so many reasons.”

“What are they?”

You gave a cold laugh, “No one has ever liked me like that. So there’s that. Then I’m scared. I’m scared of opening up to someone and they leave me. I talk a lot of shit I guess for someone who has never been in a relationship. I want love but I guess I realized love doesn’t come without heartbreak. So that’s what scares me. But I guess it’s fun to romanticize something that’ll never happen for me.”

“What are you talking about? Are you saying you’ll never fall in love?”

“I’m saying no one will ever love me like that. So I can say whatever I want about wanting love and a boyfriend. Because that won’t happen.”

He looked at you, astonished, “________ what the fuck? Are you being for real?”

You exhaled deeply. You knew he wouldn’t get it. Taehyung has never been in your situation. He’s always been wanted, adored, loved. You’ve never experienced anything like that.

“Yes Tae. I’m being serious. I’m not really looking for sympathy or anything because I’ve accepted it but I know guys don’t really like me. I know why, but I’m not going to change myself for a guy. It’s just the facts are there, Taehyung. I’m almost twenty and no guy has ever been interested in me. So it’s just whatever now. It’s kinda blessing though. I can just focus on school and not get distracted or sidetracked by any guy.”

He scooched over time where your legs were dangling. He held your hand that was planted firmly against the concrete. 

“________ please don’t think like that. You deserve love. Stop saying that you don’t. And you will find it. I promise you. I don’t know why you think guys don’t like you but I swear, you are literally perfect the way you are and I’m so glad you didn’t change for anyone. Your strawberry boy is out there. And he’s probably the most perfect guy to exist.”

You felt tears welling up in your eyes. Your strawberry boy did exist. And he was the one holding your hand. You didn’t want anyone else. You wanted him. You wanted Kim Taehyung.

You reflexively made a joke, just to move away from the fact that you were about to cry over his words, “I guess. You’ll have to beat his ass if he doesn’t like strawberries tho”

Taehyung laughed, “Don’t worry. I’m always here to beat anyone’s ass for you.” 

He rested his back against the edge and looked up into the night sky. 

“So... are you into Jennie? Is that why you’re thinking about love and girlfriends?” you asked cautiously. You honestly had no idea why you asked this question. You didn’t even want to know the answer. 

“Haha no. It’s just...I dunno I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I’ve always said I didn’t want a girlfriend but I don’t even know why I’ve had that mentality. But now.. I think I want that.”

“Want what?”

“That closeness, that dependability, that love”

“Then what’s stopping you?”

“The right girl I guess.” 

You winced at those words. Were you not the right girl? 

Trying to distract yourself, you pressed further, “I mean you dated Yeji did that not count?”

“No, it counted. But our relationship was definitely highschool. It wasn’t....deep I guess. The way Jungkook talks about Hana...I know I never felt that in my relationship with Yeji.”

“I’m sure you can find a girl who makes you feel like that.” You hadn’t meant for that to come out as sneakily as it did.

He chuckled, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well...you’re literally the most adored boy on campus. And Jennie really wants to date you. So it’s not like you don’t have options,” you said truthfully.

“Yea, but none of that matters,” he said, sighing. 

You gave him a quizzical look.

He continued, “If I’m going to date a girl, I want to be friends with her first. I want to fall for her. And then I want to date her. I don’t want to be unsure of my feelings for her.”

Friends first? We’re friends. Could this...no. Taehyung and I have been friends for so long. If he had caught feelings, he would’ve said so by now.

You kicked your legs in the water, sad because it just seemed this talk with Taehyung just showed you to your face that he didn’t like you. 

You spoke softly, “That’s a good idea. No point in wasting anyone’s time.”

“Exactly.” He stretched his arms out, “Aren’t you going to get in the water?”

You shook your head no

“C’mon, get in. It feels so good.”

You continued to shake your head, “I didn’t bring swim clothes.”

“I’m not in wwim clothes,” he said, looking down at himself.

“If you think that I’m going to go in the hot tub in my underwear, you’re fucking insane,” you said cackling. There was actually no fucking way in hell you would ever do that even if it was your own hot tub, much less with Kim Taehyung right in front of you.

“Okay, just come in with your clothes on.”

“Tae I literally didn’t bring clothes for this. These are the only pajamas I have.”

He pulled your arm and your legs slipped into the water, your pants getting soaked.

“Taehyung!” You exclaimed, shocked at what he just did.

“I have clothes here, you can wear mine. Now please, relax for a goddamn second” he said, laughing.

You narrowed your eyes at him and flipped him off, “I can’t believe you did that.”

He was still laughing and you couldn’t help but roll your eyes.

You eased your back against the wall of the hot tub, your shoulder touching Taehyung. You didn’t know if your body was heating up because of the water or because of how close Taehyung was.

He perked up, his eyes dancing with excitement, “Guess what?”

“What?” You couldn’t help but feel endeared at his cuteness.

“I finished the second season of Avatar!”

“For real? Oh my god. Wasn’t the ending insane?”

“Bro it was fucking insane. I can’t believe Zuko sided with Azula. And I can’t believe she shot lightning at Aang! That was crazy,” He ranted ecstatically.

You and Taehyung had given each other anime recommendations since you both were looking for new ones to watch.

He rambled on, “I don’t get why you’re in love with Zuko. Like he literally betrayed his uncle, the one dude who was on his side. Maybe for a minute when they were in Ba Sing Se when he was a cute tea shop boy, I understood, but now?”

“Patience Taehyung. You’ll understand soon enough. He’s just lost and confused okay? He just needs someone on his team.”

“Ugh whatever I guess. I’m still not convinced.”

You shook your head, he would understand once he finished the show.

Then you remembered his recommendation, “I’m almost done with the first season of My Hero Academia.”

“Bet. Isn’t it good? Who’s your favorite character?”

“It is good. I like seeing Class 1A interact with each other. They are all so angsty teens, it’s so funny. Umm it would be a tie between Todoroki and Bakugou.”

He looked shocked, “Bakugou? You like him?”

“Yes okay! I believe in him. He just is confused. I'm rooting for him. I think he’s a sweet boy.”

Taehyung shook his head disappointed, “Do you just like all the broken boy characters?”

You opened your mouth to retort something back but couldn’t come up with anything. He was right, you really did love the broken boy arc. It was just the fact that you desperately wanted to help them and show them the love they deserved. Your eyes caught Taehyung and you couldn’t help but feel the same way. You wanted to be the girl that gave him those feelings of real love, to be a real girlfriend to him.

You and Taehyung continued to talk for a while until you realized you two were probably in the hot tub for way too long. 

Wrapped in your towels, you and Taehyung trudged upstairs, shivering from the cold.

Taehyung dropped you off to your room and mentioned that he would be back with clothes. You sat on your bed, buzzing with a warm feeling. Even though the voice at the back of your head was doubting every moment, telling you that Taehyung doesn’t like you like that, you couldn’t help but hold a feeling of hopefulness. He was here, with you right? Didn’t that count for something? 

He came back, dressed in shorts and a black t-shirt, clutching clothes for you. 

You took it from his hand and went to the bathroom to change. You smiled when you saw he brought your favorite sweater of his, the soft gray one, for you to wear. His pants were obviously way too large but you managed to fold up the pant legs so you weren’t drowning in his clothing.

Taehyung was laying on your bed, stretched out scrolling through his phone. He sat up when he heard the bathroom door open and grinned, “You look so cute wearing my clothes.” 

“Shut up,” you said trying to hide your smile.

You walked around the room and noticed the glass double doors between the beds opened. You pushed open the doors and the coldness of the night sent shivers up your spine. You walked over to the edge and rested your elbows on the railing.

The back of your mind was still spinning with Hana’s voice, “Just tell him how you feel!” But you couldn’t do that. There was just too much you were risking: your friendship with Taehyung, your heart.

You tried to calm your waves of nausea and anxiety by taking deep breaths. Was this even worth it? You looked up at the night sky and saw the moon above your head. You sighed, your gaze fixating on a dim star by the bright moon. It actually was quite a beautiful night. It was quiet, a comfortable temperature warm with a light breeze, and the stars amplified the moon's beauty. 

You heard Taehyung's voice behind you, “Damn jungkook really gave us the best room.”

You turned your head and saw Taehyung's boxy smile leaning against the railing right next to you. Your heart skipped a beat when you saw him. You immediately turned your head back to the star.

“Maybe he felt bad for making Hana ditch me,” you smirked.

He gave you a teasing smile, “C’mon ________ you didn’t want another night with the most handsome guy on campus?”

“And you wonder why I don’t shower you in compliments like everyone else on this fucking planet,” you said shaking your head.

“It’s ok. I don’t need the verbal confirmation from you. I know what you think of me.”

You glanced over at him, “And what’s that?”

“Even though you find me annoying, you also undeniably find me endearing. And you also think I’m hot.”

Your jaw dropped in shock at his words, “You’re so fucking full of it.”

He leaned in and brushed away the strand of hair covering your eyes, “Deny all you want but I know it. I can see it in your eyes.”

“My eyes?” you said, scoffing at his ridiculousness.

“Yep, your eyes give away everything.”

“Oh really? What else do they give away?” You said playing along with his game.

“They give away that you definitely don’t know how beautiful you look right now.”

You rolled your eyes. He exclaimed, “See! Right there. You don’t know that. I got that fr-“

You interrupted, chuckling lightly, “From my eyes, right? You’re so full of shit. I bet you use that line on all of the other girls.” 

“What other girls?” he said innocently.

Taehyung was definitely something, creating his own understanding of you, pinpointing things you didn’t even notice about yourself. He looked at you, his big puppy dog eyes glittering in the moonlight, his fluffy curly hair ruffled by the soft breeze of the night. Everything about him made your heart ache with want. 

He cleared his throat, grabbing your attention, “_________ why did you climb out the window? You weren’t getting claustrophobic in a bedroom.”

Oh, so he didn’t believe your answer. You tried to answer as calmly as possible, trying to not let your nerves show, “Um..I just didn’t wanna play the game anymore.”

“What did you mean by when you said ‘I don’t want it to happen like this?’ ”

Oh fuck he didn’t forget you said that. You dropped your head, desperately not wanting to make eye contact with him, “Huh? I don’t remember saying that.”

“Well, when I asked why you didn’t want to kiss me you said that.”

“I think you misheard. I said ‘nope not this’ ”

He said in complete disbelief, “I misheard? With you standing right in front of me?”

“Yep. It’s okay. You should go see a doctor about it though.” You quickly tried to divert his attention, “The stars are really beautiful tonight.”

Luckily, he seemed to understand that you were obviously not answering his questions.

“Guess which star is my favorite?” his head tilting in the direction of the night sky. 

You laughed, “I don’t know. There’s so many out there.”

“Just guess. I have one that’s my favorite.”

“I don’t know. I guess that one” you said pointing to the brightest star in the sky. It was quite far from the moon. 

“Nope. Try again”

“Taehyung, I’m never going to guess it. I give up, just tell me.” 

“That one.” He said pointing in an area near the moon. 

You tried pointing it out with your own finger, “That one?”

He leaned over and placed his hand over yours and guided it in the right direction. He looked at the star for a second and then looked at you “That one.”

You were fixated on the star and when he pulled your hand in the right direction, you realized he was talking about the star you had been staring at the whole night. You turned your head to exclaim to him the coincidence and you found his head only inches away from yours. 

The words got stuck in your throat. His jet black eyes were staring into your soul. 

“That star is my favorite because it’s the most beautiful. It might not be the flashiest star out there and it’s trying to be hidden in the brightness of the moonlight but I see it. And I think it’s the most beautiful star in the entire night sky. “

You realized you had been staring into his eyes for too long. He took both your hands that you hadn’t realized were trembling and enveloped them in his. 

You were panicking. Your heart was beating insanely fast . Your palms felt sweaty. You tried to back away from Taehyung, pulling your hands away. You took a couple small steps back.

He doesn’t like me. He doesn’t want me. Why would he ever kiss me? I’m not even half as pretty as Jennie. You needed to get yourself out of this situation before you get your hopes up and it fucked you over completely.

Your thoughts were interrupted by your arm being tugged back in his direction. You spun into Taehyung's arms and he caught you in his embrace.

His hands were placed firmly on your waist and your arms were wrapped around his neck. You never realized how tall he was. You were on your tippy toes and you still had to crane your neck slightly to clearly see his face. Tilting downwards, his face was centimeters from yours. His eyes were sparkling with a mischievous glint and he was smiling.

It felt like your whole heart was going to explode. 

What the fuck? Why did he do that?  Is he not completely revolted by me? 

You were attempting to speak the thoughts running through your mind but your brain had completely stopped functioning the second you got a whiff of his cologne. Your mouth was just slightly open trying to breathe because you truly were so confused as to what was happening. 

“Can I kiss you?” he whispered. 

The only thing you could manage was a small, shy nod. 

Then his soft lips molded against yours. You closed your eyes as you felt your brain short circuit. The way his lips pressed against yours for the first time didn’t feel like electricity struck you. Instead, it felt comforting. It felt like home: his embrace, his lips, his hands on you. Like this was always meant to be. He tasted like strawberry chapstick and spearmint His right hand crept up to the side of your face

and cupped your cheek. Your breath hitched. Taehyung tilted his head at an angle to open your mouth further.

You took this opportunity to push away for a second and breathe. “Taehyung,” you breathed out.

“Shut the fuck up,” he pulled you back into a needy kiss. His plushy lips sucked on your bottom lip and you moaned for a second. Your cheeks reddened at the sound you made. 

“That was so fucking hot,” he said in a shaky whisper. Your hands shift from his neck into his curls, balancing on your toes. You tugged on his curls, pulling his head closer to yours, something you’ve daydreamed about.  He cupped your face and brought you even closer to him. the kisses became deeper, more fervent. As if he couldn’t get enough of you. 

Your mouth opened in response. He took this opportunity to slide his tongue into your mouth. His tongue gilded against yours.  It was better than you ever imagined, better than you hoped, the feel of him; it was making you lose your fucking mind. 

One of Taehyung's hands remained at your waist and the other moved to the small of your back, pushing the front of your chest onto his. 

It seemed like time had stopped. Once you realized you were completely breathless, you pulled away. You were breathing very hard, your heart hammering, and your mind completely numb. He placed two more soft, sweet kisses on your lips. His pupils were completely blown out and his hair was a fluffy mess.

He breathed out, shakily “This is what you meant right?”

Before you could say anything, you heard a knock on the glass door.

“Hey, Taehyung, we need you downstairs.” Jungkook’s head poked out the door. 

Tae’s eyes looked apologetic when he looked at you. 

“I’ll be there in a sec,” he called to Jungkook

You were still kinda breathless. His hands were pressing into your hips as if he didn’t want to let go.

He leaned in and kissed your cheek softly. He whispered in your ear, and you felt a shiver trace down your spine, “I’ll see you soon.”

You nodded and he nuzzled your neck for a second, his lips barely grazing the mole on your neck. 

He slowly let go of your hips, his hands skimming your elbows and then your hands.

You watched him leave as your legs wobbled beneath you. You stood there, in complete shock as to what happened. Your whole body was buzzing, your arms covered in goosebumps, chills from what just happened. 

A cold burst of wind finally snapped you out of whatever trance Taehyung put you in. You softly closed the glass doors behind you as you re-entered your room. You laid down in your bed with a stupid grin that you couldn’t get rid of. You curled up into a ball and relaxed against the pillows. For the first time in a long time, you fell asleep with no thoughts of insecurity or worry plaguing your mind.  

You slowly opened your eyes and felt a familiar weight on you. You carefully looked behind you and saw once again Taehyung completely enveloping you in his embrace. His body heat felt so inviting and comfortable. Your face heated up when you saw he was indeed true to his word and was in fact sleeping shirtless with you. You grabbed your phone and saw a text from Hana.

Hana: leave by 10:30?

You: yep

It was almost 10:30 so you shifted in the bed to get up. Almost immediately, Taehyung pulled you back and whined sleepily, “Where are you going? Sleep with me.”

You giggled at his cuteness, “I have to go. Hana is waiting for me. And I have to get shit done today.”

He nuzzled himself in the crook of your neck, “Okayy. My smarty pants girl has to study.”

My girl? Does that mean...? No, he used to say stuff like that before. God, you and Taehyung really did need to talk about whatever this was. But for once in your life, you didn’t feel insecure. He must like you somewhat, right? He kissed you. That has to have meant something. You slid your hands against his broad chest, tracing his well defined muscles, “Yea, I do. But you can text me once you get back to campus. You should sleep in for now.”

He nodded and lifted his head from your shoulder. He leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on your cheek. You couldn’t hide the smile that was blooming on your face from him.

You packed up your stuff, got ready, headed downstairs after saying bye to Taehyung. 

You texted Hana to let her know that you were ready to go. You sat on the empty couch in the living room, patiently waiting for her to join you. You were scrolling through Instagram when you heard a petite “ahem” in front of you. You looked up and saw an overly cheerful Jennie in front of you.

“Hi _________!” She said planting herself in the seat next to you.

“Hey Jennie,” Why the fuck is she talking to me?

“So, Taehyung was with you last night?”

“Uh ya,”

“So how was it?”

You wrinkled your eyes in confusion, not understanding her question, “How was what?”

She squealed, “The sex silly! How was it? It was your first time right? That’s such a big deal. Can’t believe you let taehyung be your first! You know he doesn’t get feelings for the girls he fucks right?”

You opened your mouth to say something but she kept going, not stopping once to take a breath, “Oh my god, wasn’t it so good though? I mean actually it might not have been that good since it was your first time but Taehyung is so caring, especially when it comes to sex. And oh my god, isn’t his dick so big? I know I shouldn’t really talk about that but since you guys hooked up I can talk to you about it. But his dick is so huge like you don’t even know since you haven’t been with other people. I’m honestly so surprised you guys fucked though. Like Taehyung usually likes girls with experience. And I guess girls who are...more into the party scene. Like it’s totally cool that you are into school but you're just like not really his type. But it’s okay because you guys fucked so his type might have changed, but I seriously doubt it. Anyways, I’m rambling. So tell me how it was!”` 

You blinked a couple times to fully process every word she said. Every single feeling of insecurity that you thought had disappeared came rushing back into your mind. 

What the fuck. What the fuck was I thinking. I never even told him I liked him. And he never told me. Taehyung is a fuckboi; he doesn’t catch feelings. He could have just kissed me because he was bored or some shit. Why would he trade a relationship with an average looking girl like me for fucking hot girls every weekend. I’m so stupid, what was I thinking!

You took a deep breathe and gave her a smile, “We didn’t fuck. We aren’t together. “

“Oh. Well. Then like girl to girl, I just wanted to let you know that Taehyung and I will probably be together officially very soon.”

You raised your eyebrows at this comment, trying to stifle a laugh, “Does he know this?”

Jennie looked offended but before she could ramble on again Hana texted you that she was outside. You immediately got up and headed to her car.

She squealed, “Soo what happened last night?”

You tried to act nonchalant, “uh, nothing much. We kissed.”

She almost crashed the car when you said that. 

Hana berated you with questions and you gave her the sparknotes of what happened, including Jennie’s weird little monologue in the living room. Hana was almost in tears when you recapped the embarrassing moment of you crawling out a window so you didn’t have to kiss Taehyung. She apologized for her stupidity in suggesting that dare but she insisted you needed the push.

You told Hana how you were feeling, especially how unsure and insecure you felt about the situation with Taehyung. She agreed that it was definitely unclear because neither one of you actually said the words “I like you” to each other. 

You and Hana came up with the plan thay the next time you were to hang out with Taehyung alone, you were going to confess. 

You only piped up the courage to do so because Hana made the convincing argument that Taehyung must like you back. 

However, once you returned to campus, the entire week, you were absorbed with finals and studying. Because of this, you and Taehyung were unable to find time to peacefully spend with each other. Also, your finals were finished a day earlier than Taehyung’s, so you went home early. 

This proved to be working against you as with all the free time at home was only more time for you to worry and overthink about Taehyung. Then, once again you were back to avoiding Taehyung and his messages because you were too scared to actually tell him how you felt.

Tae: hey. just got home last night. wanna hang out? 

Tae: ??? 

Tae: ur so annoying u don’t even have school what could u be doing 

Tae: im literally going to come over i live in ur neighborhood in case u forgot 

You didn’t think he would actually follow through but Taehyung did indeed ring your doorbell that evening. You pressed your ear against your bedroom door to hear the conversation between Taehyung and your mom.

You heard his deep voice, “Hello Mrs._________. How are you doing?”

You rolled your eyes at your mother's overly cheery voice, “I’m doing good, Taehyung. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you. You’ve grown up so much!”

“Yes it has been awhile. I’m glad that _________ and I are good friends again. Speaking of __________, is she home? I tried texting her but she didn’t respond. Is she alright?”

“Oh, you’re so sweet! She is feeling a bit under the weather. She’s barely left her room since she’s come home. I’ll let her know that you stopped by.”

“That would be great. It was nice seeing you again Mrs. _________.”

“You too Taehyung. You should come over more often! I know _________ missed you a lot.”

Ugh god, your mom was embarrassing you. 

“Of course I’ll try to stop by once _________ gets back to me. Bye!”

You heard the door close and you groaned. You had to face Taehyung soon. 

Your mom ended up coming to your room and went on and on about how Taehyung was such a nice boy. You couldn’t help but roll your eyes. That’s what he needs, more praise.

You laid on your bed, trying to fall asleep but of course it didn’t come easily. As you were trying to focus on the white noise, you realized you kept on getting distracted by a loud pitter patter sound. You got up and heard the sound coming from your window. You walked over and peered out your window.

“You have got to be fucking with me right now” you said, rubbing your temples. 

There was Taehyung, standing outside, throwing pebbles at your window. 

You opened your window, the cool air immediately giving you goosebumps. 

You yelled in a hushed tone, “What are you fucking doing?”

His body smile immediately lit up, “Hey strawberry girl.”

“Taehyung, are you stupid? What are you doing here?”

“Uh, I’m here to see why the fuck you’re ignoring me.”

“I’m uh sick,” you gave two fake coughs, hoping he would be convinced. He was not.

“Cmon _________ I know when you’re lying.”

You heard some clatter coming from downstairs. Fuck. Your parents would be pissed if they saw taehyung outside your window. They obviously thought he was a good guy but your parents had a strict no guys rule. Taehyung was the only exception since you two grew up together but even he wasn’t allowed to come up to your room. 

“Taehyung, I have to go. My parents will see you and we will both get in trouble. We can talk later.” You were about to shut the window but he called your name again. 

“__________! That’s such bullshit. You keep avoiding me. Can’t we talk now?”

“Tae, I can’t keep shouting from my window. I’ll call you. Just go home.”

He stood firmly planted out your window, “Nope. You won’t do that. I’ll stand here all night throwing pebbles at your window. I don’t care if I get in trouble with your parents.”

Fuck. fuck. What should I do? Then you remembered. You went to your closet and found it stored on the highest shelf. Taehyung had actually bought you a rope ladder a long time ago for this very reason of sneaking you out. But you never ended up using it because you were always afraid of getting caught. You threw down the ladder and climbed out of your window quietly. 

Once you landed on the ground, you walked over to Taehyung, arms crossed, pissed that he made you do this. Before you could start yelling at him for being so fucking annoying, he pulled you into a giant hug.

“Missed you. Don’t ever ignore me again,” he whispered into your ear.

And with that hug, you realized how much you missed Taehyung. His warmth, his embrace, his cute smile, his fluffy hair. 

You mumbled, “Missed you too,” softly, hoping he would hear.

You pushed away from him and tried to hide your smile, “My parents are literally going to kill me. I hope you know that.”

“__________ you’re in college. You’re legally an adult. You don’t need to be afraid of getting in trouble with your parents.” Taehyung said, chuckling. He shoved his hands in his hoodie and pulled up his hood, shivering in the cold.

“Okay but you know my parents. They don’t give a shit.”

“Actually, that is very much true. I don’t think they like me very much.” He tugged your arm, leading you down a familiar dirt path. 

“Nah, they like you. For some reason they think you’re like a good kid.”

His mouth opened in shock, “What do you mean for some reason? I’m a great influence on you.”

“Oh really? Like sneaking me out or taking me to frat parties or..” you were trying to think of more dumb shit Taehyung had fully encouraged you to do.

“Or sleeping with you?” He said with a wink.

“Shut up. But for real. They can never know. They would bury us both alive.” 

“Man, we’ve known each other since forever and they still don’t trust me around you.” 

“Don’t take it personally. You’re a guy. They are just strict about boys in general.” You began to recognize whereTaehyung was leading you to.

“Is that another reason why you haven’t dated anyone?”

“Yea I guess. My parents think dating is a distraction. Unless it’s for the intent of marriage then what’s the point. Which I understand. “

Taehyung gripped your hand as he led you down a rocky path, “That sounds lonely.”

“It is. But like I said, it’s not really something I chose. It just kinda happened to me and it’s whatever.”

“I guess I understand in my own way. Dating does take up a lot of time. And I guess I’m afraid it’ll end the same.”

“Same as what?” 

“Same as Yeji. We broke up and I was so upset over it. It hurt a lot because we realized we had no future together. It was just sad that we made all those memories together and now we barely speak.”

“Fuck, that sucks.” 

He nodded, fully agreeing.

Suddenly the path opened up to a clearing, a grassy field with a large tree planted by a shimmering lake. 

He still held onto your hand as you made your way to the tree. You sat down, leaning your back against the tree and Taehyung laid his head on your lap. You started to ruffle his curly hair, playing with the strands.

“Remember how we used to come here?” Taehyung said, softly smiling.

You nodded, recalling how you and taehyung would come here on the weekends, having picnics, reading stories, playing cards. This tree by the lake was filled with precious memories for you and Taehyung. You kept coming even when Taehyung and you weren’t friends.

“Why were you ignoring me _________?” He asked looking up at you with his big brown eyes filled with worry.

“We were both so busy with finals I just wanted us to focus on our studies,” You said, only being partially honest.

“Sure, it’s not cause of anything else right?”

“What else could it be?”

“Maybe the fact that I kissed you and we haven’t spoken about it all.”

You closed your eyes, regretting opening your mouth. Fuck, you really didn’t want to talk about your feelings. You felt the familiar anxious feeling creep up into your heart. You took a deep breath and tried to remember Hana’s words, “___________, this boy likes you.  A lot. He kissed you. He spends time with you. He texts you.. He cares about you. He treats you like a girlfriend and he wants to do boyfriend things with you. He likes you, there is no doubt about it.”

You snapped back to reality, “Yeah that has to do with it.”

“Okay so let’s talk,” He said sitting upright, leaning again against the tree, his shoulder brushing yours.

“Um. Why don’t you go first?” You said as you felt your heart race in your chest. You were going to do it. You were going to finally tell him how you felt.

He gave you a cute little smile, “Well it was a really nice kiss. How did you like it? It was your first kiss.”

“Um uh yea it was really nice. Really sweet,” You babbled out.

“Okay cool. Well then that’s that. We don’t need to be awkward around each other right?”

You nodded. It was now or never. He seemed to have such a chill response to the kiss. He didn’t freak out so he must have enjoyed it. So that means he likes me, right?

Your voice got quiet, “Taehyung.”

His eyes met yours. You whispered out, heart pounding, “I need to tell you something.”

“What is it?” He asked, earnestly.

“I um...” you were racking your brain trying to find the right words to say. You were fiddling with your hands, hoping it would calm you down.

Taehyung looked at you, wide eyed, and took your hands into his.

He leaned in close, his breath tickling your ears, “Hey. You can tell me anything. I'm listening.”

Your brain shut off the second He held your hands. “It's you. It’s fucking you. I like you. I like you a whole fucking lot Kim Taehyung. I think I might love you at this point. And I just really needed to tell you.” 

It went dead silent. All you could hear was Taehyung's soft breathing, the rustle of the wind, and the quiet ripples from the lake. 

Then he smiled and let out a light laugh.

Your heart immediately lifted. He’s smiling. That’s a good sign. He’s going to tell you that he likes you too and then you could be a couple. You were freaking out over nothing. 

“Are you being for real?” He said shakily.

You narrowed your eyes brows, confused at his response.

He laughed nervously. Your confidence was going down rapidly. 

“__________ you aren’t being serious right?”

“What do you mean? Of course I’m being serious. I meant what I said.”

“Cmon ________ why would you do this to me?”

Your heart dropped. Oh my god. It was slowly becoming clear to you. He doesn’t like me. He’s mad that I told him how I felt. This was literally your biggest fear. He doesn’t want you. He never did. 

You couldn’t look at Taehyung anymore. You tore your gaze away from him, “What are you saying? You don’t have feelings for me?”

“__________ I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. But you literally do know that I’m not interested in dating anyone. I’ve told you this.”

Your voice was faltering as you tried to maintain a calm demeanor, “But...you said that...you were thinking about it.”

“Yea I was thinking about it. That doesn’t mean I want to involve myself with someone right away. I’m honestly not ready for a relationship again.” He sighed, clearly frustrated, running his hand through his curly hair. You were frozen, you felt hot tears well up in your eyes but you were determined to not let him see you cry.

He continued, sounding somewhat angry, “I just told you how much my break up with Yeji hurt me.” 

You closed your eyes, letting yourself absorb all of his hurt words. It was too late now. You couldn’t take it back. You let it all out, all your thoughts and feelings and it turned out to be exactly how you feared. You were an idiot. You let your guard down again and you let him in again. And he broke your heart. Again. 

You voiced another nagging thought, “But you kissed me...”

His words were sharp and cold, “It was just a kiss __________. It’s not that deep or that big of a deal.”

This is exactly what you were afraid of. Losing these meaningful moments with someone who not only doesn’t care about you but also someone who finds them unimportant. The kiss meant everything to you and absolutely nothing to him. 

Taehyung's voice softened, “I’m sorry ________ but I don’t know how I feel okay? I’m confused. I do like you but I’m just not sure if it’s the way you want me to.” 

You felt his hand cup your cheek and he tiled your face towards him, finally making eye contact. He saw your teary, red eyes that you tried so hard to hide. “I’m sorry,” he whispered out. The way your heart was thudding against your chest made you realize no matter what he did, no matter how he hurt you, no matter how many times he would take your heart and crush it into tiny bits, you would still love him. God you were so fucked.

You whispered back hoarsely, staring deep into his dark eyes, feeling brave enough to speak your mind to him one more time, “Don’t be. I just...always had this hope in my head, I guess. Maybe that with time...you could love me the way I wanted you to. But if we were meant to be, we would have been by now. Someone like me doesn’t end up with someone like you.”

You couldn’t take it anymore. You got up abruptly and left. You heard him distantly calling your name but you couldn’t turn back. Every muscle in your body wanted you to turn around and just say “forget it” to Taehyung and have things return back to normal. But for once, you listened to your head, it was over, you told him how you felt and he didn’t give a shit. 

You walked home, alone, feeling comforted by the coldness of the night. You climbed back in your room and threw the ladder deep into your closet, knowing you would never need it again. You laid in your bed, processing what just happened. You believed in something that wasn’t even real. You glanced at your tear stained face in the standing mirror across from your bed. You couldn’t help but wonder what it was about you that wasn’t enough for him. The truth was you couldn’t be mad at Taehyung. You didn’t even love yourself. And that’s how you understood why Taehyung didn’t either. You closed your eyes, finally letting the exhaustion set in and breathing slowly, as if all of the pressure of stress and anxiety were dissipating from your body. 

The reality settled in your brain and your heart: being lonely fits you. 

author’s note: part 5 will definitely be the last part. i was writing this and i realized it was getting very lengthy and there are some plot parts im still working out lol. anyways i was very inspired by some tv shows and movies i rewatched recently for this part (new girl, princess diaries 2, & ofc to all the boys). lmk what you think and if you would like to be added to the taglist!

tags: @fleurmoon @tangledsparkles @chocolatebelievercrusade @brokenobserver @ncitydreamies @soulstaes @bonnyskies @thelilbutifulthings @busansgloss @imluckybitches @xlectrahearts @embrace-themagic @bts-dreamybaby @belshka @trinbin039 @xxlostinseoul @sheislikearock @madjammil @guksflavor @yn-the-reader @kingjvngins @ggukkieland @waves-and-woods @aa-ronpa

[tokoyamisstuff]

Oneshot: Substance - Bucky x Reader

Summary: After stumbling upon certain things on your boyfriends phone, your self-esteem drops below zero.

Warnings: Self-hatred, Angst, Fatshaming, kinda Self-Harm (like withdrawal, not eating enough and overly excessive sport), one or two Swear Words.

Words: ~2900

A/N: Didn’t want to keep you guys waiting any longer, so this has been written in an hour without proof-reading. please have mercy with my soul

“Heya, sweetie-pie. Mind giving me the usual?”

There he was, 12 o’clock as usual. Bucky was leaning over the counter and staring at you with his piercing blue eyes.

He gave you a wink as he shoved the money over the counter, looking around the small but full diner. It was always that crowded at this time of the day.

“Come on, you doofus. You know it’s on me” you chuckled as you pressed the coins back in his hand, relishing at his warmth for a brief second before stepping back.

It has become a ritual to prepare his favourite on almost every single day, even though he claimed to love everything on your menu. His therapist once told him that a certain routine would help him adapt to society again, and he stuck to it pretty closely.

And visiting your restaurant was an important part of his day.

“Do you think we can spend the evening?” Your boyfriend was sipping on his coffee, eyes lighting up when you finally got him his piece of plum pie with whipped cream.

When you watched him eating it in almost one bite, you kind of admired him for being able to eat basically anything without gaining weight. But well, on the other hand, training and fighting were his daily bread, so it was no wonder those calories would be burned like it was nothing.

“Gosh, delicious as always” Bucky mumbled and you couldn’t surpress a quiet laugh at your dork while you were serving another customer. “And I mean you in that dress, not the food. Love your style.”

You usually avoided to fuel his stupid way of flirting, no matter how flattered you felt anyway. So you simply changed the topic. “Dunno. Might get late. Today seems to be very profitable.”

It was just wonderful how understanding Bucky was. Well, he knew he was a piece of work as well. Why should he be mad if you were sucessfull anyway?

So he just shrugged with a wide grin as he handed you over the empty plate, saying “Well, then I’ll tidy up the flat until you’re done. Guess who’s gonna get a back rub when they’re back home?”

“Sounds like a Netflix and Cuddle evening?”

“Everything you want, doll.” He gave you a quick kiss on the cheek, knowing you weren’t all that comfortable with PDA - at least at work. “I won’t bother you any longer.”

“You’re never bothering me.” Smirking, you admired the way his muscles bulged through his sleeveless top. “Distracting is a far better word.”

He won’t comment on your statement, rather winking at you and mumbling something like “You just wait until later...” as he already rushed out of the entrance.

Six hours later you were finally able to end your twelve hour shift and close the restaurant almost on time - well...plus the few customers who came about five minutes before closure, and having to clean up the mess you’d always leave behind when cooking as quick as possible.

“I’m home, darlin’!” you cheered as you threw your bag into a corner and got rid of your shoes.

Seems like he was in the shower, at least he yelled something like ‘having something for you when he’s done’.

Well, if the surprise was something cute or nasty - you’d have no problem with either one.

“Hey, babe!” his voice called you out of the bathroom. “Can you look up when we made the reservation for cinema? I made a screenshot from the booking confirmation.”

He’d always ask for that kind of stuff in the weirdest situations. Probably because he knew he’d forget it otherwise.

“Alright.” His smartphone was placed on the nightstand, as usually. It was a miracle that he learned to use it that quickly, but on the other hand he’d always been very invested with new technology.

The two of you had no secrets. And even if: Taking each others cellphones wouldn’t really tell you something you didn’t already know about each other, so it had never been a no-go to use the others phone.

You sat down on the edge of the bed after throwing your sweat-soaked and stained clothes into the basket, wishing Bucky would hurry up so you could clean up and enjoy some hot water.

Scrolling through his picture folder, you hummed a happy little song, already wondring what you’d do on your day off tomorrow.

James is still pretty awkward in todays society, but hell he knew how to treat a woman. And dates were his speciality.

“I can’t fi-” Your words turned into a loud gasp as you saw the preview image of a seemingly naked woman. Shocked, even though you felt bad for prying instead of trusting your partner, you klicked on it to see the whole picture.

It was exactly what you thought it was. That sort of picture drunk elderly men would send each other in Whatsapp Groups.

A beautiful woman, only wearing a thong and presenting it in a - let’s call it ‘seductive’ pose.

And the worst of all was the headline, floating above the models face:

“The Perfect Woman”

This was not the only pic of some sort - you found a dozen of it, videos as well.

Disgusting was the only thing that came to your mind.

Not the woman, though. You were not one to slut-shame anyway.

But a feeling of disgust came up when you layed down the phone and went to the mirror, watching yourself closely. And for the first time, you were not satisfied with what you were seeing.

Sure, you’ve always been kind of chubby. But up until now you’ve never doubtet your beauty.

Curves were always something beautiful to you, even though you had to admit that some days, you were asking yourself why you had to be the only one of your friends who had that hard cellulite and stretch marks.

Maybe if you’d already have kids or were older, you’d be fine with it, but...

On the other hand, your friends would admire the fact that you had bigger breasts and a ‘peach ass’, as they’d call it.

Your mother used to call it ‘atomar boobs’ and ‘birth-enthusiastic hips’, always making you laugh about how self-ironic she was. But on the inside you knew how much she was struggling as well.

There were so many forms of beauty, and you loved every single one of it - including your own. But now..

“Ugly” you told yourself again and again, while trying to find a suitable pose that didn’t make you look like a small, wobbly piece of fat.

Did the opinion of a man really matter more to you than your own? Now you also felt kind of pathetic.

Actually, you were just hurt. Of him not being honest, and obviously searching for something...you didn’t want to say ‘better’, but rather ‘different’ than you.

As former Winter Soldier, he might not be that popular, but his looks sure did the trick anyway. So why not searching for a thin woman if he loves them so much?

Or does he already know them? What if those were not mere pictures, but woman he actually contacted?

The thought alone made you tear up.

You’ve tried. Your whole life you did and he knew that.

It’s a problem you’ve been struggling for your whole youth, after all.

No matter how much sport or diets you tried out, your body just wouldn’t change. Even after you’ve got diagnosed with hypothyreosis, the medication would only do so much as prevent further weight gain.

Things got a lot easier when you were grown up, and the bullies would decrease.

You learned to love yourself, and realized that many people were into exactly your kind of body-type. After finding your own style and way of living, things became so much easier and you could finally be yourself.

“Heya, there” a familiar voice snickered behind your back, “What’s cookin’, good lookin’?”

The only reaction Bucky would gain was a pained groan, yet you didn’t dare to make a scene just yet. You wanted him to take the hints and be honest with you, that was what you had decided.

“Didn’t find the picture. Go look yourself.”

With that said, you’d walk straight past him and towards the bathroom. It took you quite a while to cry to your hearts extend, sobs being deafened by the pattering sounds of the shower.

You wrapped a towel around yourself, but when you saw your reflection again as you put on some lotion, you decided to wear the bathrobe.

No matter how you moved, you felt like some fat would always wiggle or roll up somehow - and Bucky felt your discomfort as soon as you greeted him with a twisted face.

“C’mon here, babydoll. We can talk.” He patted the spot right next to him on the bed, and goddamn it was just too unfair how he was posing there on the mattress, looking like a fucking adonis compared to you.

The very second you stiffly layed down next to him, you felt his hand slip under your bathrobe and squeeze your thigh, making you gasp.

“Maybe I can cheer you up otherwise before we talk...” he breathed into your ear, adding a bittersweet “I missed you.”

“Bucky, please. I’m tired.” Perfect. You managed to get that sentence out without your voice cracking once. Now you just needd to turn around and wrap yourself in your comforter before he’d see the tears in your eyes.

You didn’t want him - or anyone else - to touch you ever again.

“O-okay...” James stuttered, already reaching out his hand to touch your shoulder. But in the end, he retreated it, realizing you needed some time for yourself. “Imma be at the sofa if you need me.”

“Or tell me what the fuck is wrong all of a sudden...” He kept himself from saying that.

The following days were the hardest ones yet to come - for both of you.

It all started with you declining all offers from friends to go swimming or visiting some food-places, slowly but steadily withdrawing you from the happy, active life you’ve built up out of anger and shame.

You had grown quite distant as time passed, at first finding any kind of excuse for intimacy, and afterwards not even bearing any kind of physical contact. Not to speak of simple and carefree talking...

The air had become strained around the two of you, but Bucky was too afraid to ask you what was wrong.

Instead of letting off some steam through work as always, you took a few weeks off. It wasn’t like you needed the money anyway, looking at how successfull your work was.

Your restaurant, even though being more of a small diner, had been on the top of New Yorks most popular ones for years. And you were damn proud of it.

Bucky would always say you’re the only one who cooks just like home, and meanwhile you knew all of his favourite dishes.

An unconscious smile ghosted your lips when you thought back to the day where Bucky would go all Winter Soldier on a dude that made fun of you for being “a wandering cliché: a fat woman running a kitchen”. Ouch.

You didn’t go on vacation those days - there was different work to do.

Actually, you liked sports. For fun, that is. Like going to swim with your friends, or going for a walk. Sometimes visiting the gym, even. To you, it was more part of a healthy lifestyle instead of a competition for appreciation.

But now, things were different. You tried to built up your confidence again through secretly visiting the Avengers training rooms - yet to no avail.

Steve kindly offered you help with any certain training, but you declined. This was something you wanted to achieve yourself.

As if that would change anything about your feeling of betrayal...

“Fuck!” you exclaimed after almost falling off the treadmill, having to use the emergency turn-off. Even though many people assumed it, you weren’t really unfit. But those past days, you’ve just overloaded yourself through excessive training and eating almost nothing.

You kneeled down, desperately trying to catch your breath. Looking down, you saw your bruised knuckles from punching the bag earlier and thinking of that damn beautiful woman on Buckys cellphone.

If only you would have the courage to talk this through with him...but you were afraid of the outcome. Of the truth.

Knowing you were all alone on the floor, you finally gave in to your emotions, huddling to a fetal curl and starting to sob over your deadlocked situation.

“Y/N?”

Dear god no - it was Bucky. What was he doing here? It was not his usual training time!

On the other hand: What else did he have to do in his free-time, now that the other Avengers are on a mission and his girlfriend is avoiding him at all costs?

Actually, he wanted to let off some steam as well. But seeing you like this swung his mood in an instant, and he aided you immediately.

“What’s wrong? Are you hurt?!” There was genuine compassion in his voice, sorrow even. As if it was his fault.

He was kneeling right next to you, and for the first time in two weeks, you wouldn’t flinch at his touch. “Let me help you...”

“You don’t need to play anymore, James” you whimpered, slapping his hand away. “Just get this over with.”

Now you’ve got him mad. “What the fuck did I do wrong to deserve this, Y/N?!” he screamed and his metal fist would meet the floor, cracking it broken.

“I know damn well I’m far from the perfect boyfriend...” Bucky began to sniffle, still clenching and unclenching his fists. “But I thought you’d love me as I am.”

“You’re one to talk.” Fuck it, now that you seemingly screwed up anyway you could talk freely. “I’ve seen the photos, Bucky. Of the perfect woman. Many of them. Seems like you prefer something not remotely close to me.”

For a while, there was only silence.

Bucky dug his face deep into his palms, as if he wanted to disappear in them - or simply to facepalm in a pretty weird way.

“Doll, is that what all this is about?”

His reaction made you feel kinda strange. “Y-yeah.” Did you overreact?

“You know I don’t possibly know her. Don’t care about her or her body either.” He sat there, cross-legged and with a face as dark as your heart had been those past weeks.

“Then why do you keep a ton of photos of naked models on your phone?!” You jumped onto him, effectively knocking him over and pinning him on the floor. Out of a whim, you wanted to run away, but he trapped you in his hold.

“Gosh, why can’t you talk to me for once?” It almost sounded like he found it funny. “You’re usually one to be upfront about everything.”

A sole tear escaped every eye, but Bucky would catch them with his thumb.

“Sam sent them to me. We have that Whatsapp-Group, and he’s simply that single, horny dude that finds that kind of stuff funny. You know I never delete anything. I have over 5000+ photos on that shit phone.”

You were stunned, looking at him in disbelief. “I’m sorry, doll. I should’ve know you’d stumble across them eventually. But you were always so confident and strong, the thought of it bothering you never crossed my mind.”

“Y-you-” Gosh, what a fucking idiot you were. “You’re not at fault, Buck! I’m so sorry! I feel so stupid right now.”

“And I thought you wanted to leave me...” he murmured, mainly to himself.

“Wha- how could I ever?! You’re the love of my life! Why else do you think your opinion matters this much to me? Look where we are right now!”

“And you know that the beauty-standarts of the 40s are exactly what you look like, right?”

The situation changed so drastically, it left both of you in boisterous laughter.

When you finally catched your breath, holding your thummy at how much you laughed, Bucky would not give you a break - rather cupping your cheeks and pulling your lips onto his.

“Look” he breathed out calmly, his cheek barely brushing yours. “I feel stupid for even saying this, but: My girl doesn’t have to be a model. Beauty is a concept, dear. Everyone pictures something else when they think of it. And I think of you.”

You had already snuggled up onto his chest as he swiftly picked you up, your ear able to sense his heartbeat. Absentmindedly running your hand over his prosthetic one, you realized that you were not the only one who was self-conscious about their appearance.

But just like you never doubted the true beauty of your lover, neither did he.

“Y/N...You’re strong and smart and kind. No one had ever touched my heart the way you did. That’s all that counts.”

_______

Taglist:

@bepo-is-sorry @fuckthatfeeling@anythingandeverythingmarvel@bucky-fanfiction @blondekel77@kaneki-fuentes @vxidnik@antboyandbumbblebee @lokis-queen05@you-like-this-chain@hiei1300 @lilypalmer1987 @andiyholly@elevenismysweetie@uwu-sebastianstan @seasidespecter @you-like-this-chain @your-pixels-are-showing @wildefire @elfprincess81@escapetheshackles@jellyfishflowers @look-to-the-stars-and-wish@bucky-to-my-barnes @tarithenurse @chennyetomlinson @kenzie-cold-greenkale@jaylarkson @doa1518 @wtfholland @thisgirllikeme@awesome-fangirl-334 @pvnk-bivch @chipilerendi @mandei355@buckybonky@commissioner23 @remember-padfood @chibiyanai@lost-and-wandering-alone @outcastedghost @cautrida@inumorph@meyoko10 @stargurl16 @trashyemonerd@slutforbuckybarnes@tinytravisty @unknownuserhasjoined@otaku-tater@hiddlestoner3059 @tom-fucking-hiddleston-1981@lust-for-pan@fruityflies @iamburdened @death-beetles@shaunamart @fire-in-her-veinz @red-writer13 @libbymouse@lokiscure @i-am-always-famished @alexa4444 @4-a-m @indica-witch @lou-makes-me-strong @phasma-trash @hiddlestoner3059@rocknroll-is-thewaytogo @purpstraw @lovelyangelofasgard@elevenismysweetie@orighami @trashkidsblog @the-resident-demon @littlemartiangurl@thelowkeylokifanblog @za24ever@trubluepensfan @chibiyanai@dsakita @lady-loki-ren@caticorndancingonpainbows @loving-life-my-way@crappyimagines @a-kiddo-with-a-doggo @elwyn7@celestiacq@amor67figment-love @tom-fucking-hiddleston-1981@sweetpeaismylifenow @stanmarvelcu@thewordsinthesky@larryopium @hiei1300 @janepetersonxxx​ @untoldshortsofthefandoms​ @lokis-queen05​ @saxgirl21​ @limedane21​ @sparkling-gayyy​ @lokiscure​ @getdowntothatfunkysound​ @emyhonny​ @randomfandompenguin​ @marvel-madness @dyanlzbb @inumorph @gian-giannina@chipilerendi @pseudonymfox @neptinite-writings @cautrida@kaneki-fuentes @exhaustedcommonsense @theicecreamhero@killerbumblebee @tarithenurse @sgtbucharest @lokis-helmet@wonderlandteaparty @sweetpeaismylifenow @bionicbishop @red-writer13 @bloodiedskirtts @boohooiamthefool @jackstrenchcoat@chipilerendi @sleeplessnight-pointlessfights @welcomingpayne@crimefightingspiderguy @longlivethereaper @a-wanna-be-emo@lokidoki-e @holy-loki @slutforbuckybarnes @mandei355​ @morefics2read​ @otaku-tater​ @khatrinaarts​ @grincheveryday​ @jessiejunebug​ @youtxbemusic​ @marvel-madness​

If you want to get on the taglist (or deleted from lmao) feel free to ask! ♡

Feedback is always appreciated!

[andrewdburton]

How to identify invisible scripts that control our lives

There’s an old joke:

Two fish are swimming in a pond when an older fish starts swimming the other way towards them. When the older fish passes them, he nods and says, “Good morning! How’s the water?” The two fish swim for a while before one of them looks to the other and asks, “What the hell is water?”

Invisible scripts.

Invisible scripts are truths so ubiquitous and deeply embedded in society that we don’t even realize they’re guiding our attitudes and behavior. Like water to a fish, they surround us even if we don’t know it.

This is a topic that doesn’t get discussed often. Mostly because invisible scripts are revealing. And the things they reveal might be some tough pills to swallow.

But, c’mon, this is IWT. We’re going to talk about them.

Invisible scripts and how to find them

Can you think of a belief you have that’s pre-written by your societal values?

For example, in Indian culture, parents will sacrifice virtually everything for their child to succeed. I remember watching a Bollywood movie with my mom (because I’m a great son) and watching a scene where the poor parents give their only air conditioning unit to their son while he studies.

In the movie, young Indian men put aside their “passions” for a stable job, which they can use to support their families. They have little interaction with women before marriage. Anything non-engineering/medical is looked down upon.

We all nod at this saying, “Ah yes, those passionless Indian automatons.” That is until we look at ourselves in the mirror.

Think about some of the biggest ones you might have heard:

You need to go to college to be successful.

After college, you need to get married, buy a house, and raise a nuclear family with 2.5 kids and a dog.

You need to find a 9-to-5 job and grind away in an office until it’s time to retire.

See what I mean? They’re called “invisible scripts” for a reason — and if you don’t realize they’re there or ignore them, they become traps ensnaring you into something you didn’t necessarily even want to do just because you thought you had to.

They’re usually so subtle they’ll pass through your mind completely undetected — all the while influencing what you think, say, and do. That’s what makes them so dangerous.

And invisible scripts don’t have to be “negative” or “false” either. In fact, there are some that you might really believe in even after realizing that they’re invisible scripts.

That’s okay as long as you realize any invisible script you adopt has the power to shape your life tremendously — especially when it comes to money. Over time, certain negative scripts become traps, and their power to hold you back increases significantly.

After years of research, and hundreds of thousands of data points from talking to readers like you, I’ve discovered four specific invisible scripts that most frequently hold us back from a Rich Life. I want to show you them now and give you strategies for destroying them one-by-one.

Invisible script #1: “I don’t have any money so I can’t go to college.”

A while back, I started watching the show “Friday Night Lights.” As someone who hates sports, doesn’t even know what sports season it is, and STILL doesn’t understand how football is scored, I am impressed with myself for watching this show.

Anyway, it depicts a small Texas town and its love of football. True to form, I ignore the football parts and focus on analyzing the meta-messages. I know, I am really fun at parties.

“Friday Night Lights” explained a lot of things that have puzzled me about American culture. For example, in one episode, the dad spends his daughter’s college money, prompting her to say, “Now I can’t go to college!”

I was confused. Huh? You don’t have money saved, so you can’t afford college? What?

Unfortunately, this is what most Americans believe: That if you don’t have money, you can’t go to college. This belief is reflected in our culture (TV shows), our educational system (high school counselors), and even our businesses (banks that promote 529s with fear tactics).

Of course, it’s simply not true. If you don’t have money, you can still go to college if you know where to look.

SOLUTION: Apply for scholarships, loans, and grants.

My family didn’t have a lot of money when I grew up, and I went to one of the top universities in the country via scholarships (how I won $100,000+ of scholarships). But even if I hadn’t done that, there were still MANY options:

Student loans (no, they are not uniformly evil, despite what everybody says)

Grants

Work-study/part-time job, etc.

In fact, the cultural script of “No money = no college” is even more absurd when you actually know how college admissions and financial aid work. If you are poor — but you’re skilled enough to get admissions — most top universities will pay for your entire education. This is why you should apply to the best universities you can, regardless of money.

Yet “Friday Night Lights” reflects our cultural values, which are so deep-seated that we don’t even blink. No money = no college. Of course!

But that’s just an assumption — like so many of the invisible scripts that guide our lives.

Invisible script #2: “I need to ‘figure things out’ before I decide to earn more money.”

We think more information alone will change everything.

It’s human nature. Think about the people in your life (it could be you!) who obsessively research a product before buying it, or read thousands of articles on a hobby before picking it up … but never get to it because they’re so overwhelmed by information.

This is also called “paralysis by analysis.” And we even hear this invisible script from professors and so-called experts. “Give people information so they can make the right decision.”

We internalize the idea that information alone will help us make a change. So we start saying things like, “I need to do some research” or “I need to figure some things out before I start …”

The truth is if we wait on information alone we never take action to accomplish our goals. We already know what we need to do. Do you think that an overweight person doesn’t know they need to eat less and work out more? Do you think someone in debt doesn’t know they need to stop overspending?

When consuming more information doesn’t work, we shift our attention to new learning tactics. But there’s one thing we forget: By focusing on tactics, we’re still doing the same things we have been doing all this time.

What are we missing?

SOLUTION: Get out of “research mode” and take action.

The belief that we need more information prevents us from taking action and learning from real and painful mistakes.

As we get older, we stop exposing ourselves to areas like this where we might fail. Instead, we read blog after blog about the topic to give ourselves the feeling that we’re doing something.

So how do you finally get off the sidelines and take action?

I like to use a technique Jeff Bezos, CEO of Amazon, uses: Regret-Minimization Framework.

Whenever you come upon a task or a goal you want to accomplish, ask yourself, “Will I regret not trying this when I’m 80 years old?”

Top Performers know success isn’t just about tactics or more information. They don’t lean on the same “mental crutches” most people use. And neither should you.

Invisible script #3: “I don’t have a business idea.”

One of the best ways to increase your earning power is to start a side hustle. In my course, Earn1K, I’ve taught thousands of students how to successfully create a side income stream that brings in at least $1,000 per month (and often much more).

Still, one of the most common invisible scripts people fall into is “I don’t have a business idea.”

Usually, this psychological barrier comes in one of several varieties:

“I have no idea what skills I have that people would pay for.”

“I have lots of great ideas, but I’m not sure how to even start turning them into money.”

“Every idea that I think of has already been done somewhere else. I need something ‘original.’”

“I start idea after idea, but I never follow through. What should I do to stick with one idea?”

If you’ve ever tried to start a side business, then ran into one of these traps, you’re not alone. But how do you overcome them?

SOLUTION: Ask yourself the three questions.

There are three questions you can ask yourself that’ll give you great ideas for side hustles once you answer them.

They are:

What knowledge have I acquired? Major in Spanish? Great at woodworking? Are you an accomplished guitarist? People will pay you money for you to teach them those skills too.

What do I do on a Saturday morning? Great question to see what you’re passionate about. We all have things we love to do on Saturday mornings before everyone else is awake. Are you at the gym training? Reading dating advice blogs? Working on your car? These are all viable side hustles!

What challenges have I overcome? You can actually turn your most vulnerable and painful moments into a great freelancing gig. Did you struggle to lose weight for years before figuring out how to get in shape? Are you an introvert who’s learned to overcome shyness to be more sociable? Find an answer to this question and you’ll find a profitable idea.

Try answering those questions and come up with 15-20 answers. Once you do, you’ll have 15-20 side hustle ideas you can start today.

If you’re still struggling, below are my best resources on side hustles:

How to find the best side hustle ideas

How to earn extra money on the side

How to make money online

Invisible script #4: “I’ll never get a raise/find a job in this economy!”

Ever since the 2008 housing crisis, it seems like the media is always telling us that we should feel lucky to have any job at all. And if you don’t have one, well you’re S.O.L.

Most of us accept this. We believe that companies don’t have money to give us a job or a raise. We believe that even asking for something like that will have you laughed out of a manager’s office.

And many fall prey to this for two reasons:

It’s easier. If we accept that there’s a force out of our control (i.e., the economy) dictating whether or not we get a raise or a job, we feel much less pressure to put in the effort of making more money. We cocoon ourselves in it, hoping that we’ll somehow emerge on the other side as some kind of money-making butterfly — when that’s not the case.

It appeals to the lowest common denominator. The mass media produces fear for the lowest common denominator. I don’t give a damn about them. I’m not writing this for people who are okay with their 3% cost-of-living raise and shuffle back to their cubicles, thankful they have a job at all.

The truth is there’s a lot companies don’t want you to know.

SOLUTION: Put yourself in the company’s shoes.

I’ve been on both sides of the negotiating table many times. I’ve negotiated my compensation as an employee and consultant, and I’ve had my staff negotiate against me.

Let me share the biggest insight from having those two very different perspectives: $5,000 means less to a company than it means to you.

Let’s assume your current salary is $60,000. That means your company is paying around $100,000 “fully loaded,” when they include taxes, health insurance, benefits, furniture, and everything else. And that’s just for junior people!

If your company employs 10+ people, they’re likely doing at least seven figures in revenue — often many, many times that. $5,000 is nothing to a large, medium, or even small company! They do not want to lose you over a few thousand dollars. That’s pocket change to them.

Companies spend an average of approximately $6,000 recruiting new college graduates. As you get more and more senior, that number increases. Factor in training and onboarding, and your company has already spent well over $10,000 just in hiring you.

Keeping their business running is far more important than counting pennies to them — and for most companies, that’s exactly what $5K or $10K is equivalent to.

Curious about the exact words to use when asking for a raise? Watch this video where I reveal the exact, word-for-word script.

Invisible scripts prevent us from earning more

Do you see the invisible scripts that guide our lives?

Here are some others:

“I should follow my passions”

“I should hook up with a lot of people before I settle down”

“I work hard, so I deserve this nice apartment”

“My kids should take care of themselves after they graduate from college”

Each of these scripts is so deeply embedded in our culture that we don’t realize they’re there. They prevent us from doing the things we love and living our Rich Life.

I’m not going to let that happen to you. To help, my team and I have worked on something for you:

The Ultimate Guide to Making Money

In it, I’ve included my best strategies to:

Create multiple income streams so you always have a consistent source of revenue.

Start your own business and escape the 9-to-5 for good.

Increase your income by thousands of dollars a year through side hustles like freelancing.

Download a FREE copy of the Ultimate Guide today by entering your name and email below — and start earning more today. 

How to identify invisible scripts that control our lives is a post from: I Will Teach You To Be Rich.

from Finance https://www.iwillteachyoutoberich.com/blog/the-invisible-scripts-that-guide-our-lives/ via http://www.rssmix.com/