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pointnumbersixteen · 4 years ago

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Imagine all the ghosts older than Julian getting confused with today’s world map

Answering under the assumption that this is the first time any of them have taken a good look at a world map since their deaths and that you don’t mind me loading this thing down with headcannoning everywhere:

First, Pat is thrilled at the collapse of the Soviet Union. No more Cold War! He spent his entire life, more or less, under the shadow of the Cold War, long enough to learn duck and cover drills as a boy and to teach them to other boys when he became a man. No more looming shadow of nuclear annihilation. Isn’t that brilliant? Of course, Julian’s the only one who knows what he’s talking about, so he has to try to explain the concept of the Cold War (and nuclear annihilation) to the other ghosts, who do not take it well. Mary doesn’t really understand the concept, but it sounds terrifying. It enters her list of superstitions like swans and the devil and throwing cake and doomed marriages and every bright flash of light or loud noise for the next several weeks send her wailing about nuclear bombs, until Pat, through painstaking hard work, talks her down.

And the Captain irritated at all of it (and we’re not even talking about Mary’s wailing about nukes, that’s in the future, and we’re back in the moment). For the first portion of Captain’s life, it was Russia on the map. He should know. Geography was one of his better subjects. Then the Bolshies came and suddenly he had to learn that it was the Soviet Union. And now it’s Russia again. How is he supposed to keep up? And anyway, he had a bad feeling about that Stalin chap all along. The Cold War doesn’t surprise him at all. They showed up late to the Second World War and left the first one early; it should have been a clear sign not to trust them.

Fanny is cheered to know that Russia is Russia again. (She found out about the Soviet Revolution after she was dead, but then, it was impossible to miss, on the front of every newspaper and on the mouths of every titled aristocrat in England anxious not to have the silver spoon ripped from their own mouths. And of course, she was still haunting George morning, noon, and night then, in an endless screeching harangue, except every now and then she paused to take a breath she didn’t need and also to take in the latest gossip, and thus she learned about the fate of poor Tsar Nicholas and his lovely family... mind you, none of Fanny’s endless screeching made a difference to George. But maybe that didn’t matter to Fanny. Maybe she just needed a decade to vent. And George did develop a curious habit, after she was dead, of no longer sitting for pictures at Button House.) She is disappointed to learn that the monarchy was not restored when the Soviet Union fell. There were several Russian Grand-Duchesses that she was rather fond of whom she think survived.

But speaking of things falling, what happened to the Empire?! The British Empire, where the sun never set. Why has it been replaced by all these horrid little countries and who is going to civilize them now? (Alison hears this in passing and her brain short circuits at the prospect of explaining to Fanny that those countries are already civilized and they always have been and that ‘civilized’ is not a synonym of ‘British’ and she goes and makes herself a cup of tea instead.) The Captain’s a bit miffed about this, too. All that effort saving the world from the Nazis in World War II, just to lose the British Empire? That hardly seems fair. All of the Empires have fallen, Fanny notes. The Ottoman Empire. The Austro-Hungarian Empire. The German Empire. The Russian Empire. The French Empire, back in Thomas’ time. Maybe the days of Empire are done.

Thomas is barely interested. There’s no poetry in geopolitics.

But Kitty’s fascinated. How did the United States get so big? Was it always that big? No, even Thomas agrees that it wasn’t always that big? (’What’s the United States?’ asks Mary. Pat gives it a go, but fails. He doesn’t know a good way to explain the United States. [Nor do I, really.]) And that’s what Australia looks like! She’d heard all about it and it’s strange animals, but she’d never seen it before (she’d also always wanted to see a kangaroo hop, and fortunately, this is one problem that Alison can easily solve with Youtube videos... she quickly comes to regret it, though, as she spends the rest of the evening queuing animal videos for the satisfaction of all the ghosts who died before the existence of zoos. ). And all of those little countries! Isn’t it interesting how many little countries there are? The younger ghosts are annoyed, because the names of some of those little countries have changed several times, apparently, and none of them can agree on what things should rightfully be called, but she doesn’t care, she’s just happy to know that they all exist! She’d like to find the little country she was born in on the map, but she can quite remember what it was called. But then, Julian points out, that wouldn’t help, because the name’s probably changed several times since then anyway.

And Mary and Robin are just awed at the sheer scale of the thing. They both spent most of their lives within a county or so of the area they died in and that seemed big. The idea of England seemed nearly endless, Europe impossibly far away. And England? Is? Tiny? [Side note: I learned a few weeks ago that the land area of the UK is only a touch larger than twice the size of Ohio in the US and I was first: very amused (think of imagining something to be the size of elephant and realizing it was the size of a house cat) and second: rather ponderous about how sheer difference in scale can contribute to cultural differences.] There’s just so much of everywhere. So much of everywhere they never saw or went to and now never would. Mary is intimidated by this fact. Robin was already cognizant of it, in a way, though. He knew even when he was alive how much he’d like to understand and how little he did. It’s part of the reason he stuck around [I headcannon that Robin intentionally doesn’t move on out of boundless curiosity. He’s too invested in seeing where all of this goes and why to quit now.]. And today he learned how big the world is and how many different little countries there are in it. And he saw a video of a hippopotamus. That’s a good day.

As for Humphrey... well, he would definitely be pleased that Britain somehow managed to annex Scotland free of charge somewhere along the way, and I’m sure he would have an opinion on the collapse of the Spanish Empire- although what that opinion is might depend heavily on whether or not he’s Catholic. But of course, that doesn’t matter, because all of the ghosts have forgotten he exists again, save Robin, who left him in Mike’s underpants drawer this morning. ��

#bbc ghosts #pat butcher #the captain #lady fanny button #mary #kitty #robin the caveman #headless humphrey #modern world map #headcannons everywhere

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edwardprendick1896 · 3 years ago

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If the ghosts were to suddenly come back to life for one day and can leave the house, what activities they would want to do?

Thanks for the ask anon! This is kinda long so i'm gonna leave most of my answer under a keep reading

Starting with humphrey, he would probably just be happy to get his head back on his shoulders. After the excitement of this had passed, i think he would probably go to the local town centre and spend the day visiting cafes and restaurants. Of course all the ghosts would enjoy being able to eat and drink again, but sitting in these places would allow humphrey to feel a sense of family and community that he didn't experience much when he was alive, due to his wife's disinterest in him. Even in button house, humprey tends to get left out of the ghosts' activities due to his headlessness, so i think sitting around families and groups of friends having dinner would cheer him up.

Julian would be elated to be able to wear trousers again, and would probably spend a whole hour or two trying on different pairs. After this he would probably get back to his previous hobbies of drinking and illicit sex. Given his previous character progression however, he may use his "alive form" to find out more about his daughter, and perhaps help her in some way.

the captain would probably visit a library looking for books about military history. he would probably be shushed by a stuffy librarian once or twice for exclaiming "marvellous" upon finding photographs and diagrams of military engineering. He would then inevitably get side-tracked and end up coming home with a combination of LGBT+ literature and military history books. I think as of series 3 he was more comfortable in his sexuality, but i can imagine he would still be quite embarrassed to ask alison to turn the pages on some of these.

given mary's creative interpretation of what she would wear if she was alive, i think she would probably want to visit lots of clothing shops. she might even drag alison along with her so they could try on stuff together. if they were in M&S i think alison would treat mary to a cafe visit after they were finished shopping. on their way home they would pass a married couple coming out of a church hall, to which alison would have to hurry mary along to prevent her from breaking cake over the bride's head.

pat would probably struggle with not being able to visit his family, especially his namesake grandson. he would probably console himself with a camping trip, teaching mike how to pitch a tent and build a fire properly. mike, being over the moon just to be able to see the ghosts, would probably forget his fears of the outdoors just for that day. pat would probably spend a solid hour making cups of tea just to dunk digestives in.

kitty would probably team up with a disgruntled lady button to look for romantic novels and films. i can imagine kitty beaming whilst looking through musicals in the local hmv or charity shop, whilst fanny tried her best to ignore any copies of the fifty shades trilogy (when i worked in a forget-me-not charity shop there was always at least one full fifty shades trilogy either in the front or back). When they got back home, alison would probably surprise fanny with a bunch of gossip magazines that she would immediately retire to her room to pore over.

kitty, on the other hand, would argue with the captain, who would probably be using the dvd player to watch a military epic. kitty would also spend some time just hugging alison and dancing with her, as she would be able to do so without feeling the painful ghostly shivers. They would definitely take an infinite amount of selfies, which kitty would insist on being printed out.

thomas of course would struggle not to fall in love with everyone he saw once he was able to leave button house. excited to be able to write again, he would probably take a notebook to the local park and attempt to write a poem (or poems) about the setting and the people he saw. he would then hurry back to button house and wait for alison to get home, where he would then read the poem in an attempt to impress and seduce her. of course it wouldn't work, but thomas would definitely spend his entire day having a human body trying to impress alison and become *closer* to her if you catch my drift.

finally, robin would probably be the most interested in all the food and drink available to him that he never got to try in his lifetime. he may have visited some restaurants with humphrey, where, contrary to humphrey, he would be paying far more attention to the food than the atmosphere. i can imagine he would then spend the evening visiting bars with julian (the troublesome twosome), where julian would mock him for buying the fruitiest and most unique cocktails available. of course, robin would be a colossal lightweight, and julian would probably leave him passed out in the lounge area whilst he went and hooked up with a stranger they had just met.

Hope you enjoyed reading x

#bbc ghosts #ask #anon #bbc ghosts spoilers

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benwllbond · 3 years ago

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If you are still taking Robin/Julian prompts, can I please get some fluff with the two of them teaming up to play online chess and talking smack about their opponent?

i hope u enjoy this!! sorry its taken a little while for me to get done, i hope its kind of what u had in mind?? trying to write dialogue for julian is very difficult but i hope its okay!! if anyone has any more robin/julian prompts feel free to send them to me :)

i don't believe this has any spoilers for s3, but if u r super worried, this is written through the lens of having seen season 3, so there may be subtleties or something but i dont think so?

---

Chess had been Julian and Robin’s “thing” for as long as Julian had been at Button House, give or take a few days. They would spend hours sitting at the chess board, initially attempting to teach Robin the basics of the game, and then later trying to keep in their minds the placements of all the pieces as they played.

The board that had sat for years, when Heather owned the house, untouched and gathering dust, had been a host for years of memories, chronicling so many of the major points in what was shared between them, from the very beginning, when Julian had died and Robin had first elected to take part in the game, to now, with Alison and Mike in the house, shaking up their routines completely. It seemed to Julian that all of the most important moments in his death could somehow be linked back to that chessboard.

As such, it made sense that the both of them were resistant to change. The idea seemed sacreligious, almost, and although that would usually push Julian in favour of something, this all felt entirely wrong to him. Alison’s offer to let them leave the table where Julian had first learnt of his ability, the pieces Robin had learnt to play with, although tempting, had initially seemed too much.

Vaguely surprisingly, it was Robin who came around first; possibly it was the man’s familiarity with change - nothing much was left the same over the thousands of years he had lived on the land of Button House - or maybe it was just the intrigue offered by the prospect of the online medium, but after a brief consideration, he was more than willing to give Alison’s suggestion a try - and to pester Julian about it.

“We make good team,” he explained one evening, as they sat in one of the sitting rooms, enjoying the ambiance of the fire, “And we can both win game then!”

Julian did have to concede that he had a point there, but despite how much he enjoyed utilising Alison’s new technologies, he couldn’t quite find himself willing to let go of their little chess board, no matter how ridiculously sappy and pathetic it sounded. The temptation to try this online chess game was strong, but Julian couldn’t. He just couldn’t.

“You just want to make all this extra work for me, don’t you,” he whinged, “Of course you’d go along with it, it's nothing to you!”

He didn’t even have to look to see Robin’s eyeroll.

“You as whiny as Thomas.”

Julian screwed his face up at the idea, before dramatically falling onto Robin, spreading himself out across the couch, his head in the caveman’s lap.

“I guess I can possibly consider doing this,” he groaned dramatically, and Robin couldn’t help but shake his head - he really was becoming far too much like the poet.

Nevertheless, however, he smiled down at Julian, who still had a ridiculously put out expression on his face.

“Love you.”

Julian didn’t like admitting he was wrong, but despite the awful cramps he was getting in his hand, if he were being honest, this was awfully fun.

He was still unsure if it was as good as playing against Robin, trying to keep up with where all the pieces had been moved, but it certainly had proven to be fun, so far at least, to play with him instead. It was nice to shake things up a bit, he figured, after 30 odd years of almost daily games, something new was nice.

“Take his prawn!” Robin exclaimed from next to him, animatedly pointing at the screen.

Obligingly, Julian agreed, wincing as he clicked the touchscreen to move the piece. “This is the last game for today, okay? This is hard work for me!”

“You not know hard work if it right in front of you,” Robin muttered, unhappy at the thought of losing his new favourite hobby for the rest of the day.

Before Julian had even had the chance to respond indignantly to that comment, Robin interjected,

“Dickhead!”

When Julian returned his focus to the screen, he saw that their opponent had taken their queen. Yeah, dickhead sounded about right.

The pair spent a moment in silence, staring analytically at the screen, contemplating their next move, calculating their next step. As the timer on the side of their screen continued to count down, Julian’s eyes widened in realisation and he began attempting to click the screen. When he saw what Julian was trying to do, Robin let out a pre-emptive celebratory cheer.

“Checkmate! We win!”

And sure enough, after a couple of attempts where his hand passed through the screen, when Julian managed to move the piece, the screen lit up with the message that they’d won.

“Aha! I told you, not just a handsome face!”

Robin rolled his eyes, but nonetheless, raised his hand, grinning, and Julian high fived him, somewhat reluctantly, because he knew what was going to happen next - the caveman was, if nothing else, predictable.

“We play again?” He asked, looking hopefully at Julian and he grimaced, both from the pain because his hands really were cramping really quite badly, and because he knew, as much as he prided himself in his ability to act in his own self interest, that he wouldn’t be able to say no to Robin.

“Genuinely though, one more game. That’s it, or you have to make Alison come and press all these buttons for you because my hands can not take any more of this! I am a respected politician, and will not stand for being treated like your slave, pressing all these buttons for you… I guess that is the burden of being the most skilled…”

Robin let Julian’s ranting and raving blend into the background for a moment, before deciding he had most definitely had enough - jabbing him in the ribs with his elbow proved to be a good enough solution to that problem.

Before Julian could start on a whole new tangent about his deserved respect, Robin gestured to the screen, reminding him of what was actually important.

“Game on!”

#ghosts #bbc ghosts #ghosts bbc #robin #julian x robin #julian fawcett #six idiots #the six idiots #ghosts fanfiction

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tamsinbeybey-she-no-porcupine · 3 years ago

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Captain’s favourite film is captain America the first avenger. I wonder what are his thoughts on the film? I think after seeing it one of the questions reeling in his mind is “how would I feel if I died and then suddenly brought back in the 21 century instead of becoming a ghost?”

Okay thanks for the second part because I know most Marvel movies only from Tumblr gifsets. Though I think I have seen bits of it.

In my 'pinion the shock for Captain Murica was of course ginormous. Our Captain of course nows of the 21st century especially through Alison. So going back to imagine the cultural shock he would have is probably not that easy. So I think instead he would imagine what he would do if he was alive nowadays.

Okay it's getting complicated now.

Because for some reason I thought that he'd think not about what he would do but rather have a scenario in his head where next to the ghost board is a board full of postcards he would have sent to Alison or pictures they decided to put up.

(I wish I could draw, because I see it so vividly)

(Also I think he would imagine some of the others being alive as well)

I'm just gonna describe them?

-there is one with him, Alison and Kitty, Standing in a half circle, all have rainbow stickers under their eyes and rainbow flags wrapped around their shoulders. Cap ist in the middle and he has one arm on Alison's shoulder and one on Kitty's as if he has pulled them close for the picture. They all are beaming. (I think even if he wasn't comfortable being out, he still would accompany Kitty who would want to go because people in love and rainbows and it would make him euphoric, maybe even to a degree where he would come out by just yelling it out and they all hug and jump up and down)

-there is one where he and Pat and Pat's dog stand in front of a tent somewhere near a lake idk has the forest of a Dean a lake?

-there is one where lady B and him are in the background of a selfie, browsing a farmers market/art fair and they stand at a stall and look at ceramics, holding up a few things and apparently judging and discussing which to buy. Alison is in the foreground, sun in her face, making a peace sign (she sent this pic to Mike who wanted to know what the delay was about because he wanted to get something to eat) (her face looks like it does in her picture with Kitty)

-there are numerous postcards with sights and landscapes from all over England, Wales and Scotland

(There is one where the Captain has taken a selfie. He is in the foreground in a blue Jack Wolfskin jacket with a hiking rucksack. It looks like he is hiking in glencoe, with lot of rocks to walk over and mountains behind him. The ground etc seems like it just stopped raining and the light falling in the mountains looks marvelous. Few steps behind him there is Havers also in full hiking gear (maybe even wearing one of those weird round hiking hats like PSC does for cricket), grinning from ear to ear, his trekking sticks and one foot up on a rock that forms a step, about to step up. The Captain has a happy-willbond-smirk on his face like ....so

Omg I am so sorry I never went more offtopic I got so carried away 🙈.

God I wish I could draw or edit this.

Also this post is sponsored by Jack Wolfskin 😉😂

#Bbc Ghosts #Bbc Ghosts ask #Bbc ghosts headcanons #The Captain #My creaky boy #Caphavers #Capvers #My soft boy and my creaky boy #lady fanny button #pat butcher #bbc ghosts kitty #Alison cooper #Lieutenant Havers #Tis I your local Havers lunatic #Oh this once was about captain america...woopsie

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an-honest-puck · 3 years ago

Text

Ariel - Cold Open

Fic: Spiriting Gently [AO3] | Fandom: BBC Ghosts

Warnings: implied death (they are ghosts, after all)

The young woman notices him before he notices her. He's wearing what appears to be a military uniform, but the young woman is still too disoriented to figure out why that's unusual. She sits up and brushes herself off as she watches him go by.

"Hey! Hello? Excuse me, sir!"

He doesn't appear to hear and continues on his run. She swears under her breath and gets up with a groan, examining her ripped tights and muddy jacket sleeves. With a sigh, she jogs after the man.

At Button House, the Captain is making his way back up the driveway. As Alison opens the door to let him in, she notices the young woman following him.

"Two minutes thirty, Cap." she says without looking at her stopwatch. "Morning!"

"Oh, good morning!" the young woman replies, "I'm so sorry to bother you, but would you happen to have a first aid kit? I kind of scratched myself up a bit. Tripped over on my run, I think..."

"Yeah, of course!" Alison notices the gash along the woman's shins and muddied jacket. "Gosh, that looks pretty bad. Please, come in and sit down."

"No, no, I wouldn't want to impose-"

"Please, I insist! At least take the weight off for a bit while I find our first aid kit."

"That's really very kind of you, thank you."

"No problem! Besides, we've got plenty of space," Alison says, ushering her in, "Take a seat wherever and I'll go grab that kit." Alison leaves the room and the woman hears her shout, "Mike! Where's the First Aid Kit?"

The ghosts all turn to look at the woman as she enters the room.

"Hello, who's this?" Julian says, standing up. Fortunately, his bottom half is hidden behind the couch.

She appears to nod in his direction and takes a seat by the window, avoiding all the ghosts' curious stares.

"Did she just... ?" Thomas asks, glancing between her and Julian, who looks just as confused.

The Captain is deep in conversation with Pat about Alison's lax timekeeping abilities and walks past her.

"Oh, excellent pace out there, by the way." she says as he passes.

The Captain makes a noncommittal noise as he continues on. But Pat has stopped and is gaping at her. He looks at the Captain, who spins on his heel to face her.

"I'm sorry," he says, "I'm afraid I must have misheard you. What did you say?"

The woman's eyes dart between Pat and the Captain.

"You set a good pace out there... sir?"

The two ghosts gawk at her. They slowly turn to each other. Then, the room explodes with noise as the ghosts move to congregate around her. To her credit, the woman maintains a polite but perplexed expression, though she appears to shrink a little further into her armchair.

"Sorry about the wait," Alison says, as she re-enters the room. "My husband's just gone to get the kit."

The ghosts all turn to her, talking over each other, with the general message being:

"She can see us!" Pat exclaims.

"No worries. Thank you for letting me in to your lovely home." the young woman says loudly, taking advantage of the ghosts being distracted to sit up.

"Of course, it's no trouble!" Alison says just as loudly, struggling to keep an appropriately neutral expression in the face of the ghosts clamouring around her.

The young woman smiles wryly. "You certainly keep some interesting company." She inclines her head at the ghosts.

"How rude!" Fanny declares as the rest of the ghosts complain alongside her.

Alison gapes at the woman. "Wait. You can see them?"

"They're kind of hard to miss." she chuckles.

"Oh my god," Alison breathes, "Oh my god! Oh my- oh, I'm Alison, by the way."

"Ariel."

Mike enters the room with the first aid kit.

"What did you need the kit for?" he asks as he makes his way over to Alison.

"It's not for me," Alison says, gesturing towards Ariel, "It's for Ariel."

Ariel gives a little wave. Mike looks around, confused.

"Who?"

CUE THE INTRO MUSIC

#selfishficsummer22 #bbc ghosts #bbc ghosts fic #bbc ghosts drabble #spiriting gently #day says hey #posting this today because i just updated 'spiriting gently' lol #first time posting fanfic while at work lmaoooo #(i'm not planning on making a habit of it but the chapter was basically done i just hadn't committed to clicking 'publish' on it lololol)#day talks ghosts

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freddiekluger · 4 years ago

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i love the "mike seeing the ghosts" idea SO much in general, so i've interspersed the main cap headcanon with some ones for the other ghosts- i love mike sm so thanks for requesting!!!

it started as a tickle in his throat, but come evening mike comes down with a serious chest infection. alison drives him to the doctor's in time to grab some antibiotics, but they've got a function at button house this week so for the most part alison has to keep her distance- can't afford for both of them to get sick, especially considering how many repairs, decorations, and vendor meetings still need to be sorted. mike pops a couple tablets before passing out.

the next morning, alison has to go out to run some errands, so mike finds himself stumbling to the kitchen for breakfast the next day. julian's already there, doing his trademark lunges while listening to the horse racing (it's become his ritual whenever the races are on- he's insufferable otherwise, so alison lets him keep the radio). they share a nod, and it's not until after mike sits down with his cereal that he realises he's just nodded at a dead politician with his balls out. between that and the phlegm in his chest, it was a rough start to the day to say the least.

after he gets over the whole "ohmygodicanseedeadpeopleholyshit" (and at least one reenactment of the hospital scene from the sixth sense), along with greeting the various ghosts he encounters on his way back to bed, via the loo (both him and mary got quite a shock when she "peeked on him at privy"), mike collapses onto the bed.

a pillow over his head, mike lets out a few substantial groans before hearing a cough that, surprisingly, doesn't come from him. he slides his head out from under the pillow and sits up to see a greying, slightly awkward figure in period military dress standing in the doorway. he assumes this must be the captain.

captain:

mike: hi?

captain: oh, hello. i was just on my way back from my morning run* and mary mentioned that you can, well, see us now.

mike: yep. [coughs] that's pretty much the deal. not sure why though

captain: oh that'll be the antibiotics you've got there. strong stuff, eh? anyways, i thought i'd stop by and say hello. hello

mike: hi. i would say nice to meet you, but [a coughing fit ensues]

captain: ahem, quite

[silence]

mike, holding up a video game casing: well, i was just gonna play this, if you don't mind?

*this is technically true. the captain is indeed, on the way back from his morning run, except his morning run finished half an hour ago, and he's been waiting for the right time to introduce himself to mike. unlike thomas, he doesn't expect anything to lead anywhere, but that doesn't stop him from wanting to be alone with the rather handsome buffoon.

mike's holding one of those war themed combat games, the kind with a vague plot but mostly battles and button mashing. the captain's temporarily distracted from staring at mikes arms, and starts quizzing him about the game itself. by the time the loading screen is done, mike's already gotten the impression that the captain doesn't want to leave for a few different reasons, and it's not like you have a WW2 army captain of hand to help you work out strategy every day, so they pretty quickly end up teaming up- long gone are mike's days of button mashing (or, mostly long gone. "sometimes it works!"). the only condition was that the captain had to stop calling mike 'michael'- mike said it reminded him of his grandad too much.

- the game has moments where your character can romance any of the other characters, regardless of gender- mike's a dirty player, the captain gets rather awkward when mike decided the best way to achieve his immediate goal is to seduce all relevant characters into giving up troop information, and mike would be lying if he didn't find it at least a little bit entertaining to watch

- in between levels, and when waiting for lives to replenish, mike asks cap about his time in the war, and the captain loves having someone to listen to all his stories (even if most of them are second hand). he keeps having to remind himself not to stare, because mike can actually notice his eyes wandering, but of course that just makes him even more aware of it and the cycle of awkward noises and obviously-not-looking continues. alison has let slip to mike that the captain is likely a bit of a bender, and is relatively flattered by the possibility of cap liking HIM (not to mention not wanting to accidentally send him into a toxic 40s shame spiral), so mike just keeps the friendly conversation going to keep cap feeling comfortable. the captain's crush migrates to the left, and by day four or five him and mike really are friends more than anything else- if there's one thing the captain couldn't stand, it would be turning into one thomas thorne, although he still gets a few butterflies when mike compliments his strategy after a tough level. (it's not every day you have the attention of a handsome man who thinks you're a genius- especially when you're dead)

- it warms alison's heart to see the captain having the closest thing to fun he's had since they arrived, and the whole ghost set up works well for her and mike- mike needs the company, and alison can't afford to get sick or fall behind on jobs

- kitty loves mike (not romantically, she just thinks he's neat!), and eventually joins him and cap for their video games. cap was dismissive of her at first (one part possessiveness over mike's time, one part disbelief that kitty could be a good player), but kitty ends up rivalling him when it comes to strategy. after one too many nights locked outside and having to break back in to her own home, she's become an expert at espionage (even if she won't admit her experience was anything other than a fun childhood game.) with cap and kitty helping him out, mike makes more progress in a single day than he had in a week of gameplay. not to mention, kitty could really use the confidence boost from mike's compliments which he gives to both of his gaming partners frequently, although he draws the line at kitty's georgian cough remedies

extras:

- fanny ignores him as overcompensation for Redding Weddy. well, i say ignore, but she's somehow always the first one to volunteer when alison asks one of the ghosts to check on him

- mike considers going down to the cellar to get a look at the plague ghosts. mike heads to the door. mike remembers the sheer amount of skeletons when they dug up the plague pit. mike pulls his blanket tighter around his shoulders and heads away from the door.

- obviously, thomas avoids mike wherever possible. mike barely even knows what thomas's voice sounds like by the time things go back to normal

- mike feels bad for humphrey, and keeps trying to pick his head up and place it amongst the action before remembering he can't actually touch him. he also feels bad for screaming everytime he sees humphrey's body stumbling around. it was in the bathroom one night, and let's just say it was lucky there was a toilet nearby.

- pat invites himself to watch mike, kitty, and the captain as they tackle the final levels together, on the proviso that he doesn't make a sound. pat's rubbish at tactical planning, even if he can plan a mean scouts activity, but he's just happy to watch. it's nice to see the cap really having some fun, and see kitty included. it'll be sad for everyone once mike finishes his course of antibiotics

- thing eventually do go back to normal, and the captain misses mike's company far more than he thought he would. mike's still around, but not being able to properly talk to him is tough, and the captain realised that he was maybe more fond of mike than he convinced himself (mike will still make a thomas thorne out of him yet). mike strangely misses the funny soldier, and the georgian 'battlemistress' (kitty chose the title herself), and alison finds herself constantly passing messages between them. they're currently testing out all the ghost-communication equipment under the sun (within a reasonable price range) to see if they can find a better solution

thanks sm for this one, and so sorry for the delay! i've been battling with hardcore brain fog, so it's been difficult to create totally new stuff with words- hope this was up to scratch

#bbc ghosts #bbc ghosts headcanon #mike ghosts #the captain #the captain ghosts #bbc ghosts ask #ben willbond #lolly adefope #kiell smith bynoe #six idiots

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dex-xe · 4 years ago

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I'm so proud of you. Cap and Alison 😊

Alison & Captain Fluff #11: “I’m so proud of you”

(This ended up being more angsty than I wanted it but its still super fluffy and sweet and I’m really happy with how it turned out,, the obvious answer was I think for Alison to say it to Cap about coming out but I decided to flip it a little!! Thank you so much for this ask, this was a really fun one!!)

TW:// grief, death, etc

Prompt list

Inbox

It was the opening night of Button House Hotel. The entire day had been filled with Mike and Alison rushing frantically around the house arranging and rearranging the flowers, making and then remaking beds, placing the little finishing touches to their masterpiece, their life’s work. Five long years of hard graft was finally about to pay off as the arrival of the very first paying guests was imminent.

Alison dashed through the corridors in search of Mike, clutching a red ribbon in her fist. Her husband had taken a backseat for much of the opening night preparations but had made one single demand: he wanted to cut a thick red ribbon over the front door with a pair of novelty-sized scissors, to be met with mediocre applause from the crowd. So there Alison was, mere hours before the first guests arrived, sprinting through the house to try and make Mike’s dreams come true.

“Alison!” Someone called after her as she ran. “Alison!, Alison!” She spun around dramatically to find the Captain jogging down the hallway trying to catch her attention with his swagger stick. “Alison! Wait a minute!”

“What, Captain? I’m a little busy, if you can’t tell,” Alison huffed, continuing to march away from him towards the stairs. “I’ve gotta stick up this ribbon so Mike can have his ridiculous ‘small town mayor opening a leisure centre’ moment. Thank the Lord it’s before the guests arrive and only in front of family, hey?”

“I would just take a moment of your time, Alison,” the Captain quickly overtook Alison’s marching and stopped abruptly in front of her, blocking her path to the stairs.

“What is it?” Alison asked turning the ribbon over in her hands.

“Are Michael’s family making an appearance? For the grand opening?” The Captain asked.

“Yeah, they should be here soon,” Alison said. “They wanted to come for, and I quote, ‘the best day of their son’s life’. So, you know, it’s good to see how much they value our wedding day.”

“Right. And your mother and father shan’t be here?” He enquired.

“That would be a little difficult,” Alison mumbled.

“They should surely be here to witness their little girl’s achievements, yes?” The Captain cleared his throat and smiled down at Alison. “They should be able to relish in the success of their darling girl.”

“I’m not sure Eastwood Cemetery really allow their residents day trips,” Alison smirked.

If the Captain had any blood, he was sure it would drain from his face, and neck, and chest, and all the way down to his toes. Perhaps it would have drained right out of his soles and left him a mere pool of anxious WWII commander on the corridor floor. Alison clocked the horror on his face and chuckled at his agape mouth and wide eyes.

“It was a long time ago, it’s alright to joke about it now,” she said with a mischievous grin.

“You’ve never said anything?”

“You’ve never asked.” An awkward silence fell between the pair, with the Captain not quite sure of an appropriate response. “Is that all you wanted, Cap?”

“No,” he said quickly. “I- this house, I mean- I think it will make a rather wonderful hotel.”

“You’ve changed your tune since we first moved in,” Alison said, a smug smile overtaking her. Despite the time pressure, she couldn’t help but want to relish in the usually authoritative and disdainful Captain eat his words so she leant back against the wall, satisfied to rejoice in his grovelling.

“Well yes, I understand I was hesitant at first. But I know yourself and Michael now, and I respect that you are doing what is best for yourselves and this house. And us too. I just wished to say that I-,” he trailed off and glanced down at his shuffling shoes.

“You wanted to say what?” Alison asked.

“That I’m so proud of you,” he finished meeting Alison’s gaze, blue eyes boring into her soul. “I am so very proud of you.”

Alison’s lip began to quiver, her face crumpled and fat tears threatened to spill over onto flushed cheeks. She sniffled and rubbed at her eyes with her sleeve, not wanting the Captain to react irrationally at her emotion, as he was prone to doing.

“Oh dear!” The Captain floundered. “Alison, I’m afraid this hasn’t quite had the desired effect. Do not cry! I shall fetch Patrick, he’s rather better at this than I am.” He waved his arms dramatically around Alison, as if trying to comfort her without touching and making himself feel ill.

“No!” Alison tried to grab his arm, moving straight through him. “No, it’s okay! I- thank you. No one has said that to me in a little while, Captain, that’s all.”

“Well, hmm. Yes, I understand that now, what with your parents being- I mean to say that I am proud of all the work you have dedicated to a house I’ve seen neglected for so many years. I was rather apprehensive to place the house in new hands, especially such young and inexperienced ones. But you have taken us ghosts into consideration and given us appreciation we have not seen in many a decade. Your hotel will be wonderful, and you have done a bally marvellous job these past years.”

“I don’t know what to say,” Alison sniffled quietly and gazed up at the Captain.

“No need to say anything. My musings are finished now, you may return to the party planning.”

“I- Captain. I know I get on your nerves, you don’t exactly hide that well.” The Captain moved to interject, but was left opening and closing his mouth like a confused fish. “I know we argue, but I really appreciate your support. I’ve never really had- I’ve not had that for a long time.”

They smiled at each other, ethereal in the beams of dusty sunlight coursing through the window.

“I love you, Captain,” Alison whispered, afraid of what the Captain might say. “I wish I could hug you, this is so unfair. All I want is to hug you!”

The Captain chuckled and wrapped his arms around Alison’s shoulders, not touching her in the slightest but kidding them both into appreciating the physical affection.

“And I, you.” He muttered, quiet enough they could both ignore it had ever happened. Nobody need know the secretive affection the Captain held for Alison: he had never been a father in life but in death was more than willing to take that role and hold her the best way he could, if only for a fleeting moment.

#bbc ghosts #ficbymax

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bbcghostsconfessions · 4 years ago

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Cap and the ghosts get a Cinderella esque night as living beings. Cap meets Adam at a gay bar. Headcanons for how the night goes?

This is such a good idea! Wow ok I hope I did this justice, I love Cap so much he deserves he world!

Ok so in this concept I’m gonna go with the Moonah allows them to become “human” for one night every decade. Robin’s actually been doing it for centuries but just never told the others before, and they all just assume he’s off causing trouble and never assume the reality.

Of course since Alison arrives at the house she sees their antics more often than the others, and on the night of the Cinderella Moonah, she catches Robin preparing. Of course after very little interrogation she figured it out, but was nervous to tell the others in case they get upset over the idea, or in the case of Julian and Thomas, get in more trouble than usual.

However, since she follows Alison around everywhere, Kitty hears the conversation, and due to her hyperactive joy at even the littlest things, she runs off to tell the others.

A few of them are, let’s say apprehensions of the whole act, while a certain someone (Fanny) says it’s a disgrace to act so undignified. At this point she only knows that Robin is causing trouble, and not the other possibilities of the night.

Coincidentally, Mike and Alison had planned to head out for a few drinks to have a break from the hotel work (and the ghosts), and after Alison explains to him the situation, Mike suggests they take some of them out with them for a taste of the real world, or a breath of fresh air.

Some of the ghosts jumped at the idea, Pat, Kitty, and Thomas for a couple. However surprisingly enough, the Captain also showed some interest, claiming it was to “make sure no one caused any trouble.” Honestly he was desperate for a taste of the outside, and after the wedding, he was curious of how the world had changed since his day.

Upon hearing this, Allison takes Mike aside and they agree it would be great to go to a gay bar instead of the pub. Mikes secretly been routing for Cap all this time, since he asks Allison about the ghosts all the time and she has no issue with giving the gossip.

Julian was banned from going out for obvious reasons, but he was allowed access to any trousers he wanted to put on for the evening.

Once they were all humanised, Mike and Allison shared some of their clothes with the group to blend in. (Thomas got his double demin from both Mike and Allison’s wardrobes, he’s still a little miffed he’s got no aviators.)

Cap was nervous to say the least in the taxi over, he hadnt known society properly when he was alive due to his commitment to the army, and the idea of meeting people in the modern era made him have a spike of anxiety.

The bar was fairly busy when they all arrived, patrons dancing and mingling around, drinks in hand and smiles on faces. While Mike went to get some drinks for the group, Allison gave them a debrief.

“Right, all of you, this is weird for all of us, and I get you’ve missed a lot of, well, not the house. Just try and mingle, and don’t get into trouble. Got that?”

More or less this worked out, Pat got a bit too friendly with some people but got into the swing of it, Kitty actually blended in quite well into any group of girls, and Thomas spent his time dancing. But Cap was for the most part stood at the side of the room, feeling slightly uneasy in the blue polo shirt he borrowed from Mike and a pair of Allison’s old jeans. That was until his gaze met a figure at the bar, nursing what looking like a glass of water.

Adam hadn’t changed since the film shoot, still smartly dressed with a watchful eye over the room quite like he was on set. He seemed disinterested with anything else. “Good lord,” Cap mutters to himself.

“Everything alright Captain?” Allison asks, noticing his perked up attitude as well as what caused it. The Captin shakes out of his staring session, eyes darting between her and Adam. “What? No, don’t trouble yourself Allison, I’m fine.” He’s not the best liar.

“Ooh yeah he’s that director from that period drama.”

“Adam, and a first Assistant Director actually, not a director.” Allison smiles at his ever present detail.

“Go say hello, you seemed pretty interested back then.”

“Interested? I’m not interested in him, don’t be so ridiculous.” The Captain replies sharply.

“I never mentioned him specifically Captain.” She smirks at him knowingly. “Go on, say hello, you never know.” Before he can say anything else in defence, Allison disappears into the crowd to find Mike, and maybe another beer.

Cap takes a second to straiten his shirt, messing with the collar in any attempt to put off walking over. He checked his shoes, slightly stuffed and unbearably dirty, and the jeans weren’t even ironed, honestly do the others so any actual maintenance on themselves this is ridiculous...

“Uh...hi.” Cap looks up from his shoes, to see someone he didn’t expect to be right in front. Adam for some unknown reason, was stood there looking at him.

“Ah, ehem, hello.” He had no idea what to do, what to say, did he need something, was he in the way? “Can I help you at all?” Adam chuckles, and Cap loves it.

“Well actually I caught you looking my way, and I was wondering if I can help You.” good lord Good Lord GOOD LORD!! Cap almost combusts on the spot. ‘Come on man,’ he thinks to himself. ‘You’ve got this one chance, make it count!’

“Well perhaps you can. You seemed to be a, uhh, charming fellow, is all.” He says looks down at Adams drink. “Water I see? A tad different for a place like this I understand.”

“Yeah a little, I’m designated driver for a few friends, still have to have a sharp mind for them. They can be quite idiotic when they feel like it.” Adam beans up at Cap.

“Well yes I should think so, very good,” Adam falls silent, curiously staring at Cap. “Everything quite alright,” Cap asks.

Adam pauses for a second. “Have we met before?” He asks, stunning Cap. “It’s just that you seem so familiar to me for some reason, as if we met recently.” Cap smiles softly at him.

“I’m sure I’d never forget you.”

“Yeah,” Adam replies, gently as ever, “I don’t think I would either.”

#bbc ghosts #ben willbond #horrible histories #jim howick #martha howe douglas #simon farnaby #larry rickard #lolly adefope #yonderland #matt baynton

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fromthedeskofthecaptain · 4 years ago

Text

Ghosts Empire Online Spoiler Special final part...

Ben, Larry and Martha.

Martha notes Fanny’s character development. They are planning to show more of her soft side in series three.

Ben wants to hold back from the Captain’s death, partly because it’s not the most interesting thing about him. He’s very aware that the tone needs to be quite carefully balanced between comedy and genuinely heartfelt emotion and doesn’t want to get too “heavy” with the Captain’s storylines, while still injecting drama and focusing on why he is as he is. Larry says they knew very early on how Cap died, but some of the characters have not been worked out fully or have changed because they realized something else has more dramatic possibilities.

Episode 1 -

Larry makes the point that the ghosts are like toddlers “with their hands tied behind their backs” in that they can do very little for themselves and Alison now has a morning routine revolving around setting them up for their days. He felt they had to do a ghost hunter episode at some point because it was obvious and a reversal of series one’s “cynicism” about the existence of ghosts from the living characters.

Cap’s fitness obsession is in there in part because Ben is really into running but Larry points out that his own run through woods in episode five was harder on him than filming the Captain’s short jog was on Ben! Ben had a stunt coordinator to help him do a tiny jump onto a crash mat when he was leaping to save Lady Button from being seen. They all found this hilarious because it was such a minor stunt and they’d all done loads of falling over in Horrible Histories.

Episode 3 -

They talked about the level of explosion they needed to have to warrant the Captain’s concern about the buried secret (once we discovered it wasn’t wholly a metaphor) without it being something that would’ve killed everyone. Larry finds it funny that Ben was so into war films as a child that he immediately said “oh, you’d need a limpet mine!” (These are attached to ships to create holes below the waterline).

Captain’s viability as a character comes from his internal conflict over being gay. He thinks the Edwardian era until the 50s was probably harder for gay men than prior to that. He doesn’t elaborate on why, but seems to say there was something about that time period in particular.

(Ed: He doesn’t say why he thinks this. I speculated on a few ideas

1. Perhaps the late Victorian surge in the power of the national press and use of the camera reduced people’s sense of privacy and enabled people to be the subject of campaigns and notoriety, e.g Oscar Wilde.

2 Perhaps he meant the 1885 Labouchere Amendment to the criminal law that made “gross indecency” short of proven anal sex a crime as well. Prior to that the law on male homosexuality was from Tudor times and required evidence of anal penetration proven to a legal standard. Any other sexual or intimate act between men had been legal (albeit not necessarily socially accepted). The amendment meant anything that could be considered foreplay or “coming on” to someone was now illegal. No definition was provided in the Act, which made it easier, not harder, to prosecute.

3. The First World War and all that surrounded it led to the particular construction that can be summed up as “patriotism requires battle-readiness, which means skills and virtues of traditional masculinity which are predicated on heterosexuality.” This is a drastic simplification, of course.

Aaaannnd back to Ben...

He says he never expected the degree to which the Captain has been adopted as significant character that embodies how so many people feel. Larry says that he thinks this is because Cap is a character who is gay, not a gay character and the majority of his story is about his functioning as a personality. His personality affects how he processes being gay and how he processes many other things too, but it isn’t that being gay IS his personality. (Ed: This is so important! As a gay woman I really struggle with characters who are written as “scene” because often that does mean that their entire personality is their sexuality, which I find reductive and alienating. It’s also exhausting when people have this self-portrayal in real life.)

Larry says he thinks the Captain would never have “allowed himself the possibility” that he’s gay because what could he have done about it in his time with his personality and attitude to risk, etc. Ben says Cap’s sexuality has never been treated as a joke in itself.

Fanny has a sexual awakening over Mike that the host described as “going Benny Hill”. Martha can’t watch it because it’s too much. They had to edit it a bit because she went over the top.

Larry says Robin being a conspiracy theorist is because he has no frame of reference for any of the things being discussed so he just believes everything that auto plays on YouTube.

They have to check about swearing and sexual references with Compliance. Ben says it’s funny what they will have problems with and what will be fine. (He seems to say it seems to lack internal logic.) Larry thinks being a quite daft show with a lot of overt silliness helps them get away with e.g. Pat saying “bullshit.”

Martha and Larry love that Simon puts a word in when he is making a noise of exertion when he’s moving things. He’s done Shawaddywaddy, Nixon, and has moved on to footballers’ names. He ad libs them all. They realized that with the burglary episode Julian would have to do everything because otherwise the plot wouldn’t work but thought it’d be ok if they had him be overtly annoyed about it and showed him to be the work shy layabout he thinks poor people are.

Initially, in their first pitch, Julian was dressed in PVC with a ball gag etc and they realized (Ed: thank god!) that they just couldn’t put that on television, so suggested what had happened in a much more likely to be allowed on TV before midnight way.

The hitchhiker Alison meets gave them pause due to its bleakness. Larry says they kept it to remind the audience that ghosts are everywhere and it is a horror comedy. He likes to keep the tone shifting and keep things unexpected. They reference how eager Fanny was to help the burglars, in that she can’t bear to see people do a task badly.

Mary and Kitty work as a team because the actors get on together, plus Kitty is so naive and Mary is such a “wildcard” that “if they only have each other to keep themselves on track” it’ll all go wrong (Larry). They joke about Cap being excited to have a moment to fight off insurgents. Ben calls it “frontline stuff!” and notes that Cap is an appalling military leader “in the wrong job.” This is partly because of leaving those two to do an important job, but generally, too. (Show some respect, Willbond).

Kitty’s song for Music Club was going to be “Saturday Night” by Wigfield, but they couldn’t get clearance. Larry also mentions not being allowed “Come on Eileen.” It’s clearly affected them all very deeply!

The End! (Until the last episode of the podcast, which I think is just about the Christmas special.) x

#bbc ghosts #ghosts christmas special #the captain #ben willbond #martha howe douglas #fanny ghosts #larry rickard #robin ghosts #empire online spoiler special

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wildenessat221b · 4 years ago

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if i were to. hypothetically. request alison and the captain talking in the aftermath of when he jumped on the mine in redding weddy bc that was such a distressing reaction for him to have. i would love to read it! <3.

Your wish is my command. TW for sucidal ideation here, careful lads.

“You alright?”

Mike himself looked rather the opposite of alright, with twigs poking out of his hood and mud smeared across his distinctly disgruntled looking face. But apparently, Alison looked worse. She shoved a handful of leaves into the garden waste bin and smiled flatly.

“Yeah. Fine. I’m just...”

“Just what?” Mike stopped raking for a moment and regarded her with a heavy pout, “You look weird... like, ‘just found out that Diana Roberts from school’s house flooded last week and now I feel guilty that I grassed her up for smoking in the loo in year nine’ weird.”

Alison let out a small humourless laugh through her nose.

“The Captain...” she began quietly, “The bomb, I...”

She shrugged. Mike frowned.

“What?”

She splayed her hands by her sides and shrugged sharply.

“No hesitation Mike, not one second.” She blinked away a couple of confused tears that had begun to obscure her vision. “He just threw himself on it, like he didn’t care what would happen to him, like he didn’t care that he’d -“

Mike’s frown deepened. “He wouldn’t die Ally. He’s dead.”

She nodded slowly.

“I know that, of course I know that, but in that moment it’s like he... he didn’t.”

Mike stopped, and stilled. His frown became something of sadness rather than confusion.

“...oh.”

She flipped the lid of the bin down.

“I need to talk to him, I need to -“

“Alright, ghost whisperer, I suppose I’ll finish off here then.”

“I don’t whisper at them Mike, and they certainly don’t whisper back.”

***

bury it bury it bury your feelings and bury the bomb bury the way his hands were soft between the callouses and bury the cedar smell of his shampoo and bury the way that he listened to you and didn’t patronise you and bury the fact that he was the only person in the world you could breathe around bury it bury it

boom.

He flinched as his traitorous mind recreated the sound, pursing his lips and gritting his teeth, eyes slipping shut.

boom

And it was no longer buried, it was waltzing with the air particles and riding on the whipping breeze.

major clean up operation in order, gentlemen.

you’re having a laugh mate. you’ll never get all that up.

The creaky floorboards betrayed Alison’s approach. He straightened his back and looked primly out of the window, chin tilted upwards and eyes squinted in a way that he hoped implied that he was in the middle of something deeply important.

To Alison’s eyes, it just looked rather pained.

And that evaluation did the noble service of scooping up every syllable of preamble that she’d had prepared and crushing it beneath its heel.

“We need to talk.”

The Captain’s eyebrow twitched.

“Ah.”

“About -“

“Look Alison, I assure you, if I’d had any inclination that you’d be interested in that section of garden, I would have warned you about the danger, but you’ve never given the slightest impression that it’s of any import to you, and once you did, I did in fact try to tell you that digging in that area would be -“

“Not about that.” She perched on the window seat beside where he was standing. She bit her lip. “About you.”

about you.

about you and how you notice the curve of men’s jaws and how something in you aches when you think of the word “william” and how you never married, curiously, and how -

“About how quickly you jumped on that bomb. About how you didn’t care about yourself.”

oh, just that.

thank the lord.

“Well... I am very much deceased, Alison. Rather me than you, one would have thought.”

“Yeah but,” The confused tears were back, “In that moment, you said yourself, you were caught up in it, you weren’t dead, not in your mind anyway and -“ she gasped slightly as she cut herself off and looked down at her lap, “You scared me Captain, I was scared.”

“...scared?”

“Scared of how your first instinct was to... I don’t know, sacrifice yourself, is that what that was? Is that what happened?”

The Captain pursed his lips. He lowered himself to sit beside her, and her hyperventilating breaths and her pale concern and her flooded, deep eyes. And he decided to tell the truth.

“I don’t know.” He swallowed. “I know that... there were things I wanted to stay buried - the bomb, that is, the bomb, of course, the bomb, mine, limpet mine - and in that moment... if I had to be buried with it... then so be it.”

“Captain,” Alison’s voice cracked down the middle like the pantry’s back wall on the last syllable, “Don’t you dare.”

The Captain huffed and opened his mouth to reply, but she cut him off before he could.

“Your life is a million times more important than you seem to think you... idiot.”

This time he laughed properly, bitterly, audibly.

“I don’t have a life anymore.”

“You do.” She held out a rather accusatory finger. “In this house, with me, and with everyone here who loves me, you do.”

The Captain blinked.

bury it, bury it, bury it

“And don’t you dare say otherwise.”

#bbc ghosts #ghosts #fanfiction #tw: suicidal ideation #the Captain #kitty ghosts

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thepromisedbride · 4 years ago

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HELLO JESS. BBC GHOSTS ARTHURIAN AU GO (by which I mean the arthurian characters in the premise of BBC ghosts, not the other way around)

REY oh my god i love you for this here we go

So in Ghosts the alive characters are a married couple, right?? Wrong!! Well, not wrong, because yes that’s exactly what Mike and Alison are. But wrong for this version because though I seriously considered having one of the couples as the main characters I then thought “hey what’s more fun than a family!!” and luckily for us (me) we have a ready made family in the form of (drumroll please) The Orkneys!!

The rest is under a read more because I got what some might call “carried away” and others might call “obsessed”

What happens is this: as the Orkney brothers grow up, they rather naturally become separated, until at last Gareth is the last one, at seventeen, living with their mother. Their father (or at least, their supposed father: they all know that Mordred looked too dissimilar to Lot to really be his son, though they never said it) died a while ago, and Morgause could not find it in her to really focus on her children over her job.

The five of them seem to unspokenly care about each other, but in a way where it was clear that they were all waiting to be contacted first.

Nonetheless, when Morgause does die, with Gareth having just turned eighteen and seriously wondering why he had taken a gap year from university, they all show up, and find that they had jointly been bequeathed the old family house in the country.

Gawain has been recently promoted and is now working from home. This meant more time than he usually spent inside his flat, and he had been getting rather claustrophobic. So, after an admittedly short heart to heart with Gareth, who was looking quite nervously towards a future without parents and with no idea what to do, he packs up his brothers in a typically Gawain-like fashion and moves them all out to the manor.

Mordred has been able to see ghosts since an incident in his youth involving a large body of water, an ill-timed trip and a sudden storm. He hasn’t been in water since, but the near-death experience left his with the ability to see those spirits left when their bodies had departed. This is especially unfortunate for him, because half the time he doesn’t particularly want to be able to see living people, let alone ghosts who do not leave when he throws things at them. But he puts up with it enough: there is, beyond all logic, a particular cup he took from Morgause’s house when he left which somehow has three ghosts attached to it, and they happily provide a deterrent for any others.

(It does create a somewhat awkward car journey: he’s being driven by Agravaine, and between the boxes in the back and the only two seats in the front, there’s not much room even for a ghost. Aggs keeps looking at him weirdly when he fidgets, but it’s not his fault that the only free place left is his lap or that Galahad decided that he simply had to see the journey to the house rather than simply confining himself to the cup like Bors and Percival did.)

Anyway, this means that he arrives at the house and immediately sees a crowd of variously costumed figures and tries turning around and leaving. Unfortunately Agravaine anticipates some “young adult hormones” and quickly steers him straight inside.

It takes him a while to finally be alone with the ghosts, who seem to quickly realise he can see them. There are eleven of them in total, though a couple seem to spend most of their time in the little gatekeeper house rather than the main building. He immediately makes a note to avoid Dinadan, who looks at Mordred once and immediately makes fun of his choice in band t-shirts (and like, he’s a ghost, what does he know about bands, it’s like trying to talk to Gaheris—) and Lamorak is instantly relegated to Mordred’s extensive “least liked people” list, which is different to his “disliked people” list. Kay seems kind of mean, which is funny, and Bedivere is responsible enough to try and control the others, but they are clearly “not dating” which honestly Mordred has no time for.

He gets on best with Clarissant, probably, as she’s smart and not too grating but still sweet enough that she likes sitting with him when he wants to be quiet but doesn’t want to be alone. Owain, likewise, has shown him several spaces in the garden for birdwatching or other wildlife (which Mordred doesn’t particularly have used for, but he does appreciate the effort).

Owain is “not dating” a different ghost, Laudine, but in a different way than Kay and Bedivere are “not dating”, in a way that doesn’t get on Mordred’s nerves and lets him acknowledge that Laudine is kind of funny. Elaine doesn’t really talk to him: there’s a river and lake by the house and she seems to prefer it there, or else by the old tower. But she has great stories, and never minds when he really needs a vent, usually about his brothers.

It’s Palamedes and Brangaine who live (in the loosest sense of the word) in the gatekeeper’s cottage. This is very useful, because it means he can set up a little bedroom inside, though it’s mostly for storage now, and sleep there when he wants to pretend he has his own space. He has a strange nervousness that they might see him as a sort of pet, but he’s pretty sure that’s not the case.

Relatively sure.

Not that it matters. They have a clearly delicate history together, one Mordred is not about to ask after for fear that one or both will start crying, but they manage in a sort of sweet domesticity. He’s left the goblet in there for now, because Palamedes seems to enjoy Galahad, Bors and Percival’s company.

And it’s—

Nice.

And then, of course, there is Lancelot. He seems far too well meaning for Mordred to carry on any kind of maliciousness for long, except that for some godforsaken reason he has also decided that Gawain is an ideal muse. He spends way too much time following Gawain around, thinking up sappy poetry about Gawain, or else sighing blissfully out of a window (presumably over Gawain). Mordred thinks that if Lancelot were to ever be able to actually talk to Gawain (physically, he means. Or figuratively? Because even if Lancelot wasn’t a ghost he does not seem to have any cognitive abilities around Gawain anyway) then this image would be shattered. Gawain looks pretty, but so does this waterfall Mordred once read about that falls down into nothingness and despair, or the river stretch that looks like a lovely refreshing swim but actually is an fierce riptide with a 100% mortality rate. Something like that. But the point is that it’s difficult enough with Gawain constantly around without having his admirer hanging round all the time too. Gawain is insufferable already without Gaheris and Gaheris getting to add to their board of “Is Gawain Secretly (Or Not-So-Secretly) a Changeling” with ‘every time he puts something down it always seems to move just within reach when he goes to pick it up’

(If you’re wondering why there isn’t an Arthur, that is a subplot that I just suddenly decided on just now. I was going to have Arthur as a Captain-like ghost but then I was thinking and long story short there’s a tangent here—

It was Arthur’s house. He’s still Mordred’s dad, though here I guess he isn’t their uncle as well, and he left Morgause the house in his will. He heard she was pregnant, and there was a little but if him which knew he could never acknowledge his child but he still wanted to provide in some way. Arthur doesn’t have to be a bad parent.

Incidentally this also solves why the brothers didn’t really know about the house before rather than “Morgause wasn’t a big fan of the country”.)

(OH MY GOD also so Guin isn’t a ghost either bc I wanted her alive. So now she’s an important plot point. She moved into the outskirts of the nearby village because she liked the area but didn’t want to contest for a massive empty house. Anyway she’s smart and despite the problems her and her late husband went through, she does respect him for this. So eventually the Orkneys will have to go for a discovery on the house’s secrets aka there are ghosts and so they will find Guin and discover the Truth. It’s all coming together now lads)

They invite their neighbours over for dinner one night: the house needs some pretty desperate renovating, but it’s now moderately liveable at least and, according to Gawain, this requires a party.

So invite them over he does. The ones to the left, a couple named Tristan and Isolde, though Gaheris swears that when they were introduced in the village Isolde looked completely different, and the ones to the right, Morgan and Vivian. They pass a very pleasant evening, despite the fact that a fox manages to get on the roof.

No one is sure how.

Gaheris and Agravaine are charged with rescuing it, which is by far the stupidest decision Gawain has ever made. However, despite them all living together, the brothers are really not in a brilliant harmony yet, and so Gawain sends those two off whilst he entertains their guests.

The two of them are staring out the window at the fox for a while before Gaheris dares Agravaine to climb up. He doesn’t want to, but Gaheris is his little brother, and if he passes over a dare from him he’ll never hear the end of it. So he climbs out.

It’s a dry night. But it was not a dry day. And the leaves packed on all the footholds are wet and slippery, and Agravaine—

Falls—

And hits the ground, several stories below.

They’re all terrified, of course, regretting every moment they spent apart or arguing. Agravaine is declared legally dead for fourteen minutes, and it is the worst fourteen minutes of any of their lives. But finally— finally— the doctors emerge to tell them that their brother is resting, but is expected to make a full recovery.

Which he does! There are several more doctor’s appointments and physiotherapists scheduled, but eventually he can return to house. (Unsurprisingly, the arguing starts again quickly.)

There is, however, one major difference.

Agravaine can now also see the ghosts.

Mordred, having been able to see them all his life, had not considered this possibility, and thus does not prepare.

Agravaine discovers these new abilities when he walks into a room to find Mordred, pretending to be on a phone call, chatting away with Clarissant whilst Lamorak inexplicably floats nearby. He stares, screams, and blacks out.

When he comes to after a moment he is faced with a lengthy, surprisingly bored conversation with Mordred, and seriously considers blacking out again. Lamorak has not left the room despite his presence being an inevitable disaster, and Agravaine perhaps unsurprisingly decides that He is to be the newest mortal enemy in Agravaine’s list.

(Lamorak is silently gratified that he is on lists for both alive people who can see him, and chooses to ignore the reasoning behind the lists.)

Mordred has been dealing with ghosts for most of his life.

Agravaine has Not.

This means that, pretty quickly, Gawain, Gaheris and Gareth realise something is even more wrong with those two than normal.

And of course they have to come clean.

Gaheris is half convinced that the two have found his conspiracy journal and that this is an elaborate ruse to trick him into confessing love for Nessie or something. Gareth is mostly concerned about the logistics and privacy, though Mordred’s narrated conversations between him and Owain seem to make him much more comfortable with the whole thing. Gawain is genuinely tempted to jump out a window to see if he can join to newly discovered exclusive club of ghost watchers, but eventually decides that it’s too much a risk to his beautiful face.

(Lancelot silently agrees, though it has not escaped his attention that it would be nice if Gawain could actually see him.)

#arthuriana #rey thank u this is the best ask ever #i got so carried away i’m so sorry #the ghosts were just a game of ‘i love these characters and you can’t stop me’#but i’m not tagging them all #just #orkney clan #gawain #agravaine #gaheris #mordred #gareth #the fox is reynard #if you were wondering it is astolet elaine not corbenic elaine #in a more extended version of this her and lancelot best friends #arthurian literature #arthurian legend #bbc ghosts

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laurawritesandgames · 4 years ago

Text

Title: Objections

Fandom: Beetlejuice (Musical)

Rating: PG-13

Pairing: Beetlejuice/Adam/Barbara, Charles/Delia

Prompt: Wedding

Content Warning: Set during coronavirus pandemic

Summary: It’s Delia and Charles’s wedding day. The Maitland-Deetz household tries to keep their irreverent demon from spoiling the big day. Little do they know it’s not Beetlejuice they need to worry about….

It had taken ten minutes, but Barbara was finally satisfied with Delia’s lashes. “There. I think we’ve got it.” She moved aside to let Delia see herself in the mirror.

Barbara had put her hair and makeup skills to the test and helped Delia out on her wedding day. Why invite over a makeup artist and hair stylist during a pandemic if you didn’t have to?

Delia examined her reflection and beamed. “It’s perfect.”

That was being kind. It wasn’t exactly one of the dramatic looks on Delia’s wedding Pinterest board. More dramatic makeup would’ve suited her dress better. Ordered from Italy, her dress was a gold ballgown with dramatic tiered tulle flounces on the skirt and a deep V neckline. The gold in the dress played off the gold accents in Delia’s bright orange hair, which was in romantic waves down her back. It was daring and sweet all at once.

When the pandemic hit, the household had talked about postponing her and Charles’s wedding. But Charles’s parents were old-fashioned, and since Delia and Charles wanted to try for a baby right away, they decided to have a virtual wedding instead.

“I can’t thank you enough, Barbara.”

“I’m not letting you do your own hair and makeup on your big day!” She gestured to the laptop. “Now go show the girls.” Her bridesmaids were eagerly awaiting drinking mimosas and celebrating Delia’s look. Barbara had met them at Delia’s virtual bachelorette party, though, of course, they hadn’t known Barbara was there. The bachelorette party had also been rather subdued, considering Delia’s usual standards. She, Barbara and the bridesmaids had streamed both Magic Mike movies, ate popcorn and drank champagne. What else could you do in a pandemic? “I’ll go check on the preparations.”

Delia’s phone, face down on the makeup table, buzzed again. Someone had been texting her all morning, and Delia had been ignoring them. Her gaze flicked to the phone, jaw tightening before she looked back into the mirror.

Barbara gestured to the phone. “I can grab that for you, too.”

A hint of a frown worked its way between Delia’s brows. A moment later, her expression relaxed, and she waved the suggestion away. “I’m fine, darling. I’ve been getting so many robotexts lately. You know, you could stay and have a drink. You’re a bridesmaid too, dear!”

“Oh, it’s nothing. I like keeping busy!” And if I bump something or the camera catches me drinking a mimosa, the focus is definitely not going to be on the bride. Barbara excused herself and went downstairs.

The walls of the living/dining room were decorated with curled gold ribbons and champagne-coloured tulle banners beneath the crown molding. The ghosts and Beetlejuice had moved all the furniture—quite easily, with telekinesis—and added two rows of four chairs on either side of an elegant pale gray runner. The rug led the eye to the laptop, set up on a crystal-laden table where the officiant would’ve stood, and the pale-wood wedding arch wrapped in the same champagne tulle. Everything looked perfect.

Adam, Beetlejuice, and Lydia, the family’s impromptu wedding photographer/videographer, were gathered around a photo album. It took Barbara a second to recognize it.

“Aww, our wedding album!” She joined the group, resting her head on Adam’s shoulder. He kissed her temple, pulling her closer with both arms. The book continued floating in mid-air.

“Obsessed with sunflowers much?” grumbled an unimpressed Beetlejuice.

“I guess so,” Adam said. “My family’s farm had a little sunflower patch. That kinda became our thing.”

“Love the mason jars,” Lydia commented.

“Hey, those were the big thing in 2009,” Barbara said. She supposed their wedding had followed a lot of popular trends: an outdoor barn wedding, lots of tea lights in mason jars, and even a photo booth. But they’d managed to be ahead of the curve on a few things. “Remember our party favours, sweetie?” she asked Adam. “They were little terrariums in stemless wineglasses.”

Adam grinned and squeezed the arm around her waist. “They were tied with ribbons that said ‘Thank you very ‘mulch’ for coming to our wedding!’”

Lydia chuckled; Beetlejuice rolled his eyes.

“Don’t encourage that,” the demon said to his friend. He continued scowling at the wedding album, but Lydia seemed happy to keep looking at the photos.

The most pages they turned, the more Barbara’s mood slid closer to Beetlejuice’s. All those photos were full of friends and family she couldn’t see anymore. Most of her friends’ Facebooks or Instagrams were private, so she couldn’t even do any light internet stalking unless she wanted to log into her old accounts and confuse everyone. Was Lisa still going back to school to get her Masters, or had the pandemic put that on hold? Was Alison still having issues with her mother-in-law? Barbara had no idea. Dead women didn’t have friends. Not to mention her family….

But a wedding was no time to be sad. She pasted a smile on her face and even managed a few cute wedding stories.

“Remember when your uncle Eddy tried to drink his wedding favour?” she asked Adam, who chuckled. “He almost choked on a succulent!”

“But he kept trying to drink from it! Three times!” Adam chuckled. A moment later, his smile faltered. “Probably because he’s a massive alcoholic.”

“Oh, right. Sorry.” That story wasn’t quite as cute as she remembered. “So, um, why don’t we do a last-minute check? Make sure we’ve got everything.”

“All right,” Lydia said. She took the photo album from midair and put it away, frowning slightly. “This is probably going to be the nicest moment I have today, so thanks for that.”

Barbara and Adam shared a worried look. Lydia was deeply ambivalent about her father marrying another woman only six months after her mother died. Lydia had used that fact to extract a lot of concessions about the wedding: Delia had let her wear a black dress and take photographs on her analogue camera instead of a digital camera.

“C’mon, kid!” Beetlejuice said. “Just wait ‘til I get the party started!” He blew a party favour, and sparkly beetles flew behind him.

While Lydia rolled her eyes fondly at her friend, Barbara and Adam shared another worried look. The young woman went upstairs to get changed.

Barbara turned to Beetlejuice. “I just wanted to remind you about your promise, Beetlejuice. I know it’d probably be very funny to interrupt the ceremony. Maybe Lydia would even appreciate it. But this day means a lot to Delia and Charles. They’ve found each other through a lot of pain and hardship, and they deserve a fun, special memory.”

Beetlejuice waved her words away. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don’t know this about me yet, but I love a good party. And people can finally see me! Well, only people here, but whatever. Why would I mess that up and have everybody pissed at me? I’m here for the fun and the food, baby.”

As much as Barbara wanted to believe him, she suspected that the only reason he didn’t have a disruption planned was because of Lydia’s innate goodness, not his own.

“I noticed you didn’t love us going through the wedding album, buddy,” Adam said. “Is everything okay?”

He shrugged. “It just…it looked nice. Your wedding.” He glanced between Barbara and Adam, loudly announcing, “None of that boring-ass shit at our wedding, okay?”

Barbara tried not to look too surprised—Beetlejuice loved shocking them. “Noted. But it’s also not going to be jump scares every minute, or a projector that reveals everyone’s darkest fears, or some kind of Saw situation.”

Beetlejuice’s eyebrows rose. “I was just thinking there’d be singing cockroaches and banners made of bats, but those are way better! You wanna plan it, baby?”

“I said ‘not.’ It’s not going to be any of those things. Did you even hear that part?”

He darted in close and kissed her lips. “Eh, we’ll find a compromise that works for all of us. We’re all about that life, right?” His neck stretched cartoonishly to kiss Adam on the lips as well. Then he poofed away in a cloud of smoke.

After a few moments, Adam said, “Did he just ask us to marry him?”

“I think it was a joke proposal. You know him. If he really wanted to propose, there’d be a lot more pizzazz. And possibly dead bodies.”

“Right, of course.”

“Would you have said yes if he’d been serious?” Barbara asked, curious.

“Things between the three of us have been going pretty well, but I don’t think I’m ready to jump into another marriage quite yet. And you?”

It was exactly what she’d expected from Adam. They’d changed since their deaths—six months later, their afterlives involved parenthood, isolation from friends and family, a lot more free time, and a polyamorous relationship. But it was nice when she could guess what he was thinking. Not everything had changed. “The same. Maybe in a few years or so.”

Before the ceremony, Charles and Lydia stayed in the living room, helping older relatives log on to Zoom and greeting people as they logged in. Charles was wearing a pale grey tuxedo with a metallic grey tie and pocket square. Lydia looked like an elegant classic Hollywood starlet with a goth twist: her black lace gown had a subtle skull pattern to it, barely visible unless the light hit it just right. Her onyx choker and bracelets looked like thorny vines going up her pale arms and encircling her neck. On her head was a raven fascinator with golden bead eyes, her one concession to the wedding colours.

The laptop screen filled up with squares of happy, smiling faces. Everyone had dressed up for the occasion, wearing suits and dresses.

“Betcha most of them are wearing sweat pants,” Beetlejuice said.

“Well, hopefully we’ll never find out,” Barbara replied. The three of them were sitting on the white chairs on either side of the aisle. Most people watching this meeting online probably assumed these chairs were only there for symmetry. As far as they knew, Lydia was the only other person physically at this wedding.

Despite her earlier claim, Lydia was smiling and chatting with Charles’s parents and, to Barbara’s surprise, Emily’s mother. Coming to your son-in-law’s wedding six months after your daughter’s death must have been hard, but if there were any issues, Barbara didn’t see them, and she wasn’t about to eavesdrop on a family moment.

Emily was sick for years. I suppose her family had a lot of time to mourn her. She thought about her parents and her sister at her own funeral. What had that been like?

Lydia took video of Delia coming down the stairs to the bridal chorus, played on speakers set up throughout the room, then put the video camera on a tripod so she could participate in the ceremony.

“I want to thank everyone for joining us today,” the officiant said. “In lieu of wedding gifts, the bride and groom have asked that you donate to the Rural Connecticut Preservation Society. I’m pleased to share that we’ve raised $10,000, which will be donated after the wedding.”

If Charles had had any reservations about donating to a charity dedicated to stopping housing development in rural Connecticut, which directly impacted his career, he hadn’t brought it up during the wedding’s planning stages. Lydia had suggested the charity, after all.

Everyone applauded.

“We will now bless the rings,” the officiant said.

Lydia took out the rings, held them both tightly in her hands, and whispered her blessing into her clenched fists. She smiled mischievously at Charles.

“I suppose if they burst into flame, we’ll know Mom disapproves.”

There were a few awkward chuckles from the assembled, none louder than Delia’s. “That’s my darling, unique stepdaughter for you! Oh, Lydia, you’re so funny!”

In a mocking, little-girl voice, Lydia replied, “I appreciate the compliment, my dearest stepmother.”

Barbara and Adam made sure that they were holding Beetlejuice’s hands so he couldn’t raise them.

The demon scoffed. “You know, I don’t need my hands to do ghost magic? I could just set the rings on fire with my mind.”

“Do not—”

“I wasn’t gonna! Jeez.”

With a theatrical flourish, Lydia showed off the rings to the laptop camera. Barbara half-expected them to be Netherworld green, but they were normal. “My blessing has been spoken. Please speak your blessings now.” Ideally, everyone would’ve been able to touch the rings and speak their blessings in private.

After a pause, Delia’s father spoke first, and others followed. The wedding program had provided a few sample blessings, but people were free to write their own. Delia’s mother began crying halfway through hers.

“Save something for the wedding speech, Amanda,” her father joked. He reminded Barbara of her own dad.

Barbara and Adam gave their own blessings. “Delia and Charles, we wish you health, happiness and love as you start your new life together,” they said, touching the rings, making sure not to brush Lydia’s hands.

Beetlejuice had declined to take part in “New Age bullshittery,” so he remained hovering over his seat.

The rest of the wedding was more traditional, probably to appease Charles’s parents. Barbara’s mind wandered. She and Adam had come so far, hadn’t they? She held Adam’s hand lightly, running her thumb up and down his palm—rather, she did until Beetlejuice forced his way between the two of them and sat on both of their laps.

“Poor baby, no one was paying attention to you,” she cooed into his ear.

“It’s the worst,” he agreed. She ran her fingers through his spikey green hair. Adam gave him some attention by resting his head on Beetlejuice’s shoulder. That seemed to do the trick—he sighed and relaxed.

Readings were read, vows were said, and rings were exchanged. Charles’s vows were simple and straightforward—too curt for Barbara’s tastes—but Delia’s were long enough for them both. Barbara fought the urge to check the time. She felt like Delia had been going for 10 minutes.

Delia actually appeared to be wrapping up when “I object!” sounded over the laptop’s speakers.

A square popped up on Zoom, revealing that the speaker was a tanned older man with more salt than pepper in his hair and bright white teeth. He had a faint accent that Barbara couldn’t place. She’d never seen him on any of Delia’s photos or social media.

Delia made a few choking noises in the back of her throat, the colour draining from her face.

Charles glared at the screen. “You,” he spat out.

Clutching Charles like a lifeline, Delia drew herself up as tall as she could. “Jeremy, log off immediately! I don’t know how you got my number or how you got this link, but get out, you narcissistic psychopath! You don’t get to be a part of my life, not after what you did!”

“Delia, my love, I know you still feel something for me—“

‘My love’? This can’t be the ex-husband, can it? Years ago, Delia’s ex had sailed away to Rome with the secretary he’d been cheating on her with.

“Hey,” Beetlejuice whispered, “I never possessed someone over the internet before. Maybe if we all work together, we can do it?”

Jeremy had opened his mouth to speak again. If ghostly powers could stop this disaster, they had to try. Barbara grabbed Beetlejuice’s and Adam’s hands and held them out to the laptop screen.

“—and I—” Jeremy continued. His gaze abruptly unfocused. Barbara tried to force words into his mouth.

“I’m so sorry!” he said, just as she’d scripted. “I’m going to log off and…and…and throw myself into a dumpster like the piece of trash I am.”

She hadn’t told him to say that. Barbara glanced at Beetlejuice, who grinned back at her.

“And then,” Jeremy continued, “I’m gonna take my toenail clippings, and my belly button lint, put them in a blender, take a shit in that blender, start the blender, and pour myself a shit-shake. It’s my regular Saturday morning routine, baby!”

Lydia rushed forward and tapped a few keys. His square vanished from the screen.

“I blocked him,” she said.

“Thank you, stepdaughter.” Delia sniffled, and Charles handed her a Kleenex from his suit pocket.

As Delia struggled to compose herself, Barbara whispered, “A poop-shake? Really, Beetlejuice?”

“It was Adam!” He couldn’t even keep a straight face, and chortled. “Okay, you caught me. Hey, I had to make sure he’d never be able to look these people in the eye again.”

Delia glared at the laptop screen. “Lydia, darling, explain to me how you set this event up again.”

“I set it as a private Zoom event. Everyone involved in the ceremony had to have a link and a password.”

“So,” Delia said, “who gave my ex-husband—who, I’d just like to remind everyone, is a cheating bastard—the link and the password?”

Slowly, one of Delia’s aunts raised her hand, her face bright pink behind her makeup.

“Millie!” Delia’s mom exclaimed.

“Mom!” shrieked one of Delia’s cousins.

Most people on the Zoom call started shouting at once. It took a few minutes to hear Aunt Millie’s explanation.

“I had no idea he was going to object,” she squeaked. “But he was such a big part of our lives for such a long time, and I thought he deserved to at least see the ceremony….”

“Aunt Millie,” Delia said, “you are no longer welcome!”

“Of—of course. I’m so sorry, Delia.” Aunt Millie took out her glasses and peered at the screen. “Er, which button do I…?”

Lydia took care of it, and banned her.

“And everyone thought I’d use my ghost powers for evil,” Beetlejuice boasted. “Look at me, doing good deeds! Being a goddamn hero!”

Barbara would’ve responded, but poor Delia sagged against Charles, tears running down her face. She tried to speak, but only managed a quiet sob.

“We’re going to take a break,” Lydia said quickly, turning back to the laptop. “See you in 10 minutes, everyone.” She muted them and closed the laptop.

Beetlejuice waved his hand to grab Delia’s attention, grinning broadly. “Thought I’d mention that if you know where he lives I could teleport to his location and, well, cause a little havoc.”

“Do we need to go over the house rules?” Barbara asked. ‘No Murdering’ was the first one.

“No murdering, this time! Just a little non-fatal revenge.”

Delia hesitated for a moment, then shook her head. “No, thank you.”

“Non-fatal?” Lydia asked Beetlejuice. “Are you sure? Our wedding did set a precedent for murder….”

Beetlejuice chuckled, and the two fistbumped.

After a moment, the demon frowned. “Wait, should I fistbump you for murdering me?”

“You already completed the ‘bump—you can’t take it back now,” Lydia said.

“Shit, you’re right.”

Delia stared at the living room, lips quivering. “Maybe…maybe this is a sign. The universe must not want me to get married again!”

Beetlejuice floated over. “Delia! Signs don’t exist. Trust me, I’d know! There is no heaven, no hell, no meaning to anything! The universe is cold, distant, and uncaring. It’s basically my mom,” he joked. “But the point is—it doesn’t care what you want, and nothing you say or do can affect it.

“Besides, girl!” Beetlejuice leaned in. “Chuck is rich as fuck. Lock him down!”

Charles glared at him before turning back to Delia. “I still want to get married to you, Delia.”

“Are you sure?” She blew into her Kleenex before continuing. “There are women who…who don’t have ex-husbands that ruin their weddings and—and make a scene in front of all their friends and family….”

“Delia,” Barbara said quietly, “you’re not the first person to date an asshole. I mean, look at me and Adam.”

Beetlejuice appreciated the burn, even if it was at his own expense—he cackled over Delia’s tepid chuckle.

“Don’t blame yourself for what just happened,” Barbara continued.

Delia whimpered into her Kleenex. Charles stroked her hair lightly.

“Delia,” he said, “I stood in front of our friends and family and told them how you were the brightest light in my darkest time. I meant every word of it. Nothing will change that. I love you.” He kissed her so deeply that Barbara looked away to give them some privacy.

When they were done, Lydia cleared her throat. “I’ll go get the digital camera so we can adjust the photos faster. That way you won’t have to worry about your makeup looking perfect.” She began to set her analog camera down.

Delia shook her head. “No—you said this was your artistic vision, and I won’t see it compromised.”

Lydia looked surprised. “Oh.” Her smile was small but sincere. “Thanks, Delia.”

Delia took this as an invitation to hug her stepdaughter. Lydia rolled her eyes, but patted her shoulder and didn’t pull away.

“Besides,” Delia added, “this camera was your mother’s gift to you, and I don’t want her coming back from the Netherworld to tell me off.”

Beetlejuice facepalmed. “That is not how the Netherworld works! That’s not how any of it works.”

“Well, it couldn’t hurt to make sure, could it?” Delia stepped back. “If you’ll excuse me, I’ll just fix my face.”

“I can help,” Barbara said, and Delia nodded.

Once they were upstairs, Delia collapsed in her makeup chair, sighing heavily.

“I actually thought it was going to go well,” she commented. “That I’d have one beautiful day even in the midst of the world’s ugliness. I was so stupid. Nothing ever goes right for me.”

Barbara reached out to pat Delia’s shoulder before stopping herself. When Delia looked confused, she explained, “Lydia said touching me or Adam is like touching an ice cube tray straight from the freezer.”

“I don’t mind.”

Hesitantly, Barbara touched Delia’s shoulder. It was the first time she’d touched a living person other than Lydia in months, and hugs from a 16-year-old girl she didn’t know that well were rare. The older woman shivered but didn’t pull away.

“Lydia’s not wrong,” Delia admitted. She put her hand over Barbara’s, squeezing slightly. “But a hand offered in friendship should never be refused. You know, it’s been almost four months since I last touched someone who wasn’t Charles.”

“Hopefully this coronavirus pandemic will end soon.”

“I’ve been saying healing prayers twice a day.”

Barbara wasn’t sure they’d be effective, but healing prayers were more than most of America’s leaders were doing. At least Delia was listening to the science and wearing a mask when she went outside. She’d grown so much in the short time Barbara had known her.

Barbara missed her friends from when she was alive. That was natural. But she couldn’t let her loss keep her from recognizing that she’d made a friend after death, too.

“Thanks, Delia,” Barbara said. “Not just for the healing prayers, but for everything. Having two ghostly housemates and a demon would be a lot for some people, but you’ve taken it in stride.”

Delia chuckled. “I once lived in a commune of 200 people. Living off the land, growing our own food…and digging our own toilets.” She wrinkled her nose, then chuckled. “You three are a walk in the park compared to that!”

“If there’s anything you need from me or Adam, please let us know. We don’t want to trouble you or Charles.”

Delia opened and closed her mouth. After a moment, she said, “Well….I suppose I do have a rather personal question….”

“Shoot.”

“Beetlejuice—is he actually good in the bedroom?”

Barbara giggled. “He is. He’s had millennia to think about what he’d do if he ever had sexual partners again. He’s very…inventive.”

“I’ll admit, I’m surprised. He doesn’t seem the type to be concerned with another’s pleasure.”

“Oh, there’s definitely times he forgets. But then we get to teach him. Ahem. Now,” she nodded to the mirror, “let’s get your makeup touched up.”

Barbara wouldn’t ever be hungry or thirsty again, but the stuffed butternut squash was delicious. Delia and Charles had deferred to Barbara and Adam’s local expertise when they planned the menu at their wedding dinner. Adam knew most of the farms the vegetables had come from.

The Deetzes had said goodbye to all their guests, and the family was eating their wedding dinner in the dining room.

Delia had been going to give out the crystals on either side of the laptop as wedding favours—the stones were mostly rose quartz, moonstone and a pale white stone called selenite. But after Jeremy’s arrival, she said she needed to cleanse the crystals. “I’m going to give them a few lunar cycles, just to be safe.”

Barbara nodded, pretending she understood what that meant. “Adam, Beetlejuice and I are dead. We’ve got nothing but time!”

“I just want to thank everyone again for your hard work,” Delia said, smiling at them. “Lydia, for your photographic eye and leading the blessing. Barbara, for the hair, makeup, decorating and emotional support. Adam, for sending out all the emails and doing the tech support. All the ghosts, for intervening when a certain someone decided to crash the party.”

“It was mostly me,” Beetlejuice said. Barbara rolled her eyes at Adam, who chuckled.

“He is the ghost with the most,” Adam said, making Beetlejuice grin.

“My mistake—thank you, Beetlejuice. Thank you all for being part of one of the most important days of our lives. Thank you for being our family.”

Barbara sniffled a bit as she and Adam applauded the speech.

“I got the happy couple some extra gifts,” Beetlejuice said. “For the wedding night.”

“I’m going into another room,” Lydia announced abruptly, setting her plate down. “Another house. Another life.”

As she left, Beetlejuice grinned. “We’re rated PG-13, guys! It’s just rose petals on the bed and some boozy chocolates. Figured you two have your own toys—”

Lydia started singing loudly as she covered her ears, taking the stairs three at a time to get away.

Barbara tried to figure out what he had in mind. “These rose petals won’t become spiders, will they?”

“They’re totally normally and boring, if you must know. I ordered them off Amazon.”

“How?” Adam asked. “You have no money.”

“I typed in Chuck’s credit card, duh.”

“What?” Charles snapped.

Barbara and Adam sighed. Beetlejuice’s morality was a never-ending project that was not without its consequences.

Not for the first time, Barbara reflected that it was a good thing the Maitlands loved working on projects together.

After the wedding dinner, as Barbara, Adam and Beetlejuice were cleaning up, Lydia came downstairs. She was carrying another photo album and wearing a glum expression. She’d changed out of her party dress, and was wearing a comfy hoodie and sweat pants—all black, of course.

“Got a sec?” she asked quietly.

“Of course, sweetheart,” Barbara said.

Lydia showed them a photo—a younger Emily Deetz on a younger Charles’s lap, grinning at the camera in a fancy restaurant.

“My mom and dad’s wedding wasn’t like today’s. There wasn’t any structure. It was just a big party at one of the best restaurants in New York, followed by wandering the city with all their friends and family. They stopped in at dingy bars to listen to live music, they caught a comedy show, they walked through Times Square at two in the morning. They almost got mugged! Mom was hard core like that. Daddy attracts dramatic weddings, doesn’t he?” she joked.

Her smile dropped a second later. “And Daddy looks just as happy here as he did today. I was photographing him and Delia the whole time. I’d know.”

“So,” Beetlejuice said, “the big takeaway here is that Chuck is in love with the women he gets married to?”

Lydia chuckled sadly. “Something like that. I mean, one of them was a woman he met in college, while the other was his employee…. But who cares about things like abuses of power when it’s true love? Daddy and Delia keep trying to make me comfortable with their love story, but how can I be? If it were any other situation, I’d be blasting Daddy online as he stars in the latest MeToo scandal, right?”

Barbara nodded. “You’re right. It’s pretty rare for a story like Delia and Charles’s to end this way. You sound like you’re carrying a lot, Lydia. Do you want to sit and—”

“No, thanks. I just wanted to whine for a bit. Delia’s family seem nice, at least. Except for Aunt Millie, obviously.” She closed the photo album in a short, frustrated gesture. “Well, goodnight, guys.”

“Do you mind if we check in with you tomorrow?” Barbara said. “See how you’re feeling?” Sixteen was such a tough age—particularly when your father was remarrying.

“If you want.” She shrugged, as if she really didn’t care, but her small smile made Barbara hopeful that she’d made the right decision. The only thing more difficult than being a teenager was parenting a teenager she’d just met a few months ago.

Beetlejuice was frowning as Lydia left. “Guys, we gotta help Lyds!” He was nothing if not loyal. “We should break Chuck and Delia up, right?” He leaned in to Adam. “I got the perfect way to do it. You know how Delia thinks Emily can come back from the Netherworld?” Beetlejuice became Emily Deetz for a moment, still with a few mossy patches and green hair. “Well, what if she can? And then we tell Delia to GTFO!”

That he was asking them instead of just doing it was a pretty good sign.

“Well, Bug,” Adam said, “think about it—if Lydia didn’t want this wedding to happen, she could’ve objected herself. Or asked her father not to get married to Delia.”

Beetlejuice became his usual self again, looking disappointed. “Oh. Right. Didn’t think of that.”

“She’s an intelligent, sensitive young woman with complicated feelings about a complicated issue,” Barbara said. “I think the best way to help her is to listen to her without judgement.”

“Why is the right way always the most boring way?” Beetlejuice said, sighing.

Barbara knew how to get him happy again. “Now,” she said, running her hand along his shoulder, “why don’t we finish up and go upstairs? After all this work for everyone else, we deserve some…ah, quality time together.”

Beetlejuice fistpumped and chortled. “Yes! Unfortunately, because of this fic’s rating, we gotta cut it off here. I just wanna let everyone know, it’s gonna be freakin’ awesome—'cuz I’m awesome, baby.”

Barbara had no idea what he was talking about, as usual. Adam kissed her cheek, and they went back to the dishes.

#beetlelandsweek2020 #Beetlejuice #beetlejuice musical #adam maitland #barbara maitland #beetlejuice x adam x barbara

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sob-dylan · 5 years ago

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ranking of bcs season 5 episodes based on how sexy i found them

10. Namaste dir. & writ. Gordon Smith

good ep, not sexy. jimmy commits his first hate crime against the dandy howard hamlin. hostile work environment at los pollos. the return of the uncomfortably stereotypical thugs that beat up mike. very let down because gordon smith has written some of bcs’s sexiest episodes in past seasons, including gloves off, chicanery, & something beautiful. the car chase intercut with lyle cleaning the fryer was pretty sexy tho. 2/10

9. Dedicado a Max dir. Jim McKay, writ. Heather Marion

this ep ranks so low because of what it could have been. was expecting it to be the sexiest episode, but was given very little of what was promised. the fountain was sexy, scheming kim was sexy, any invocation of revenge is sexy. that’s about it. 2.5/10

8. Wexler v. Goodman dir. Michael Morris, writ. Thomas Schnauz

first we’ve seen of nacho in a long time, but as usual it’s not nearly enough. he is reunited with mike, giving him the opportunity to play a bargaining chip for the first time in two seasons, which is sexy of him, but also reminded me of the how little he’s done since he became fring’s dog. nacho being underutilized is not sexy. (i could go on a whole rant about the poker chip we’ve seen nacho fiddling with a few times during different collection scenes, but i don’t think i quite understand it enough). kim suffers the worst day of her professional career because jimmy decided he knew what she wanted instead of listening to her. not sexy. lalo getting arrested was, of course, very sexy. 4/10

7. Magic Man directed by Bronwen Hughes, written by Peter Gould

sexy episode, but it all rests on the shoulders of lalo, nacho, & gus (+ a very timid domingo-- i’m into that). the mcwexler stuff just made me sad. lalo’s lounging in el michoacáno with his blue loafers kicked up? much appreciated. lalo and nacho constantly calling each other “man”? nice! the sit down between lalo and gus was very sexy, but the sexiest part of this episode for me was the trap house, especially the beginning sequence. loved the scene starting from inside the car with some great tunes, the camera following the meth down the drainpipe, lalo’s erratic driving and his refusal to acknowledge arlo, the power that nacho has demonstrated by arlo shutting up when he gets out of the car, the slightly shaky camera work in this moment, nacho leaping up those stairs and then pounding on the door before gently telling mouse it’s okay. all incredibly sexy! 6/10

6. JMM dir. Melissa Bernstein, writ. Alison Tatlock

pretty fucking sexy for production legend melissa bernstein’s directorial debut. not only is it the first bit of substantial lalo content in a while, it’s the debut of jorge de guzman! the shot of him from the shoulders down with the focus on his tattoo? sneaking a phone in so he can tell nacho to burn down los pollos? the arson itself? very, very sexy. vague allusions to what went down in santiago? frustrating, but sexy. kim and jimmy consummating the most ill-advised marriage ever authorized by the state of new mexico? sexy, (especially kim’s hair). lydia rodarte-quayle! “shanked and shivved and whatnot.” that was a very sexy suggestion, lydia, keep ‘em coming! 7/10

5. Bagman dir. Vince Gilligan, writ. Gordon Smith

vince gilligan’s triumphant and very sexy return. the shoot out! the time lapse of the clouds while jimmy and mike walk along at a normal speed! “my wife” & “mrs. goodman!” and of course, the sexiest thing of all, the meeting between kim and lalo. gordon smith redeemed himself with this one. despite the piss-drinking, a very sexy episode indeed. 7.8/10

4. The Guy For This dir. Michael Morris, writ. Ann Cherkis

a very, very sexy ep! a swarm of ants set to yodeling isn’t in itself sexy, but i respect the symbolism and the bold creative choice. but then! the garage scene! imo this was the sexiest scene of the season. everything from the blocking to the lighting, not to mention the Acting. i’ve rewatched that scene many, many times. other sexy things about this episode: kim yelling at acker, kim opening up, nacho’s lounging-at-home-watching-soccer outfit, amber & jo, the one genuine smile nacho has all season (at the beginning of a devastating conversation with his father), lalo making jimmy and nacho watch him drive his car, “you’ll make time!”, nacho’s signature car-leaning, & “once you’re in, you’re in.” 8/10

3. 50% Off dir. Norberto Barba, writ. Alison Tatlock

look: i can admit that this hole ranking system is heavily dependent on how much nacho & lalo there was in an episode. this episode started with a home invasion at casa de varga so that gus could intimidate nacho in his underwear and ended with nacho rolling up on jimmy and then making him drop his mint chip in the street. and in between? the poker game. the birth of ocho loco/krazy-8. THE PARKOUR. “ignacio varga, eres un chingon.” the small expression of pride on nacho’s face when lalo says “it’s your call.” nacho finally accepting food from lalo, only to find it’s a trap! lalo using his own brand of the lie detector to make nacho offer to kill his oldest friend. dear god! this ep marked the explosion of the eduardo “lalo” salamanca/ignacio “nacho” varga tag on ao3. it’s an inspiring kind of sexiness. mike’s story was compelling, but a boner-killer. 8.9/10

2. Bad Choice Road dir. & writ. Thomas Schnauz

ah! the something stupid callback! jimmy falling to his knees when he finally gets a signal! kim crying! jimmy’s trauma! the godfather reference with the oranges! (and no, i didn’t pull that out of my ass. peter gould mentioned it on the podcast) the care-taking, despite kim having every right to be furious with jimmy! the tender and heartbroken look on lalo’s face when he leaves the nursing home! lalo impatiently ordering his new chauffeur nacho around! the way lalo stands when nacho drops him off at the well! how happy nacho is to finally be rid of lalo for just 3 seconds before lalo gets back in the car! the lalo leap! the final scene! rhea claiming her emmy! but ultimately what’s so sexy about this ep is how well it encapsulated the ethos of the show. i’m still salty about the dinner party (???) with lalo, nacho, and nacho’s girlfriends getting cut, tho. 9/10

1. Something Unforgivable dir. Peter Gould, writ. Peter Gould & Ariel Levine

i don’t consider it the best episode of the season (that would be bagman), nor is it my favorite (that would be 50% off), but imo it is the sexiest episode of bcs yet. slippin’ kimmy! the finger guns! the kansas city royals shirt! kim laughing in howard’s face! the post-coital mcwexler scheming! and of course every single scene in mexico! nacho’s forced smiles! lalo’s unmitigated excitement at returning home! “nachito!” lalo’s despicable but still somehow sexy attitude toward that poor kid ciro! the scene where he’s fixing the car! lalo’s praise of nacho! lalo being the life of the party! everyone adoring him expect for juan bolsa! lalo’s party shirt! nacho’s tough but respectful chain-over-a-fully-buttoned-shirt-cause-it’s-time-to-meet-the-don look! nacho spelling out exactly what he wants! lalo closely watching nacho and don eladio! the intimate, late-night fireside conversation! the beautiful emotional asymmetry of that scene! a man who is finally ready to allow himself to trust someone choosing the wrong person! (in other words: lalo lowkey trying to get laid while nacho’s actively trying to facilitate his assassination!) nacho being the resourceful little bitch we all love! lalo immediately blaming poor ciro! (seriously, what is the story there??) the frying pan! the fucking tunnel! lalo kneeling over that dying hitman, peeling off the mask that’s melted to his face, and gently telling him “esta bien” ! lalo limping out of his estate with murder in his eyes, ready to hunt down the only man not carrying the Salamanca name he’s ever trusted! if this ep had included nacho regaining a shred of agency over his situation, it could have a perfect score. 9.9/10

#long post #long inscrutable and outrageous #i swear to god i'll shut up eventually #but if you haven't unfollowed me yet it's your own fault #bcs #better call saul #lalo salamanca #nacho varga #kim wexler #jimmy mcgill

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