#And Akane keeping them even as she deteriorated for that same reason

[hajihiko]

OK SO. HEAR ME OUT. GUYS. gUYS I KNOW WHAT U ARE. She likes to steal his stuff (he lets her—-) thats tells about them so much (its so hot hear me out)

😏

[hazardblocks]

maybe i will nonsensically ramble about the spins to distract myself from my angst. bonkers sdra2 spoilers under the cut. other warnings include general death/execution mentions, very brief mention of k/n/de otonokoji in a paragraph, which is marked, some talk of mikado sannoji(though none of it is really positive, just talking about him as a mastermind), and general talk of yuki’s mental health and how it was meant to deteriorate. i’ll try to keep things brief and relatively un-graphic!

for any complaints you may have about sdra2′s writing, i feel like there isn’t enough positive attention given to the way that subtle details hint at fortune being at play, and how many things click into place when you realize fortune’s hold over the plot of sdra2 and how the entire thing was constructed to send yuki into despair.

even in murder plans that were unexpected or went south, fortune makes it all go according to plan regardless. mikado saying that the result has already been decided does seem to genuinely be the case here in several ways.

first off, the fact that yuki is present for every single body discovery. this is especially noteworthy in both yuri’s case, as that was hajime making a conscious effort to make yuki see yuri’s body.

this is also a significant experience for the player, as sdra2′s body discoveries go a step beyond the typical goriness of the canon danganronpa series, making this especially noteworthy towards yuki.

sora does well to be a self insert for the player, as while she is obviously shocked by the deaths that happen, the persona of sora doesn’t know of anything else. it’s not exactly easier for her to process, but she goes into the killing game without expectations. hell, just a couple hours after basically being brought into consciousness due to Amnesia, she watches a woman literally get burned alive, and then is stabbed directly after.

she takes a lot of the blunt of the killing game, and going along with the theory that sora was there largely to bring about more despair to yuki, i think this factors into that role given to her and was very intentional. (thanks, mr irl nikei) for starters, sora, while not very good at it and kind of isn’t, is accidentally yuki’s support system in a lot of ways.

first off, the only other person present for every body discovery is sora, and it’s typically alongside yuki. i’d say the only other person who is consistently there is yoruko, but even she shows up late for the not-festive-at-all party more than once, and yoruko is more focused on being sora’s support system or getting support from sora in a lot of ways.

sora’s the one that, for the most part, gets the rest of the group through the trials. so, what does this mean for yuki, who’s unhappiness is the goal of the killing game?

well, on one hand, it makes yuki rely on sora. this obviously comes crashing down on him when sora is revealed to be... you know, akane. however i’d also say this makes yuki doubt himself more.

sora is the unwavering rock of the killing game essentially, other than syobai to an extent, but yuki ends up taking out a lot of his negative emotions onto her. this is again because sora doesn’t try very hard to sympathize with him and isn’t a good support system, but especially after the fourth chapter yuki doesn’t really have anyone else.

...this is definitely all the work of mikado, and void.

v (!k/n/de paragraph! please skip it if ur reading and uncomfy with mentions of her!) v and it’s a different case entirely, but this is part of why i find kanade’s intelligence so enticing. her brainpower alone is enough to create a murder trial that outclasses the void’s literal magic, and is literally only solved through the Power of the ProtagonistTM.

^(!k/n/de paragraph! please skip it if ur reading and uncomfy with mentions of her!) ^

but still. kanade aside, i’m gonna get off topic here, but this is why i find the voids’ relationships with yuki so interesting. you have hajime who could maybe be an older brother figure to yuki the way shinji was, but he... you know.

emma is yuki’s literal idol(which also... it’s interesting that linuj put that in there? like, it implies that emma was either a famous actress at the time of yuki being a teenager which seems?? weird?? or that they intentionally put that memory into yuki for one reason or another??? but why would they??? it doesn’t ever come up except for like two dialogue exchanges????? WHY WAS IT THERE) who kills one of the most helpful members in trials so far, and iroha...

well, iroha i think is too Like That to really bond with anyone.

but NIKEI dude. as someone who has lucky pen as a comfort ship............. this shit hits me different. congrats: this is where the essay becomes me raving about lucky pen.  lucky pen is actually so fucking genius.

first off, the way it embodies “the enemy of my enemy is my friend”??? the way nikei, if he was more vulnerable, would relate to yuki over them both being victims of mikado’s scheming??? the way that they both feel like there are unconquerable odds against them but nikei doesn’t go down until you’ve pinned him while yuki gives in because he believes he can’t do anything??? THE WAY THEY TREAT THEMSELVES SO SIMILARLY BUT IT’S FOR THE SAME REASON AT THEIR CORES????? GUYS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

listen, l isten, you can say “well nikei was all like ‘yuki maeda has to die’ and that was for the kg on one hand yes, but on the other that completely paves the way for nikei to grow as a person.

mikado’s interference with nikei’s personal goals made nikei see the ingame yuki maeda as an object, but that’s why i’d love to see their relationship in a world where mikado isn’t as prevalent at all and where they can have a genuine relationship together.

like i saw a headcanon where nikei absolutely interviews yuki about his talent and about who he is as a person, and for yuki that’s completely out of the blue- he likes it, but it’s confusing, AND THAT MESSES ME UP I THINK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME. CAN YOU IMAGINE. DO YOU HAVE A MENTAL IMAGE OF HOW PERFECT THAT WOULD BE.

the way nikei has a genuine interest in everything around him and the way yuki views himself as completely uninteresting like, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA anyways. plus they’re cute boys and i like them being cute together :)

anyways that’s my rambling time to go watch the sdra2 translation updates that i haven’t seen because i’veb een too busy being sad /lh /hjfor starters, sora, while not very good at it and kind of isn’t, is accidentally yuki’s support system in a lot of ways.

[sophcaro]

Back in Time | WMatsui - Chapter 15

 Two months later.

Rena walked into the entrance vestibule and retrieved her coat from the hanger, dressing up and slipping into her shoes. She shut her eyes close, as if to mentally prepare for what was to come. She felt a sudden shiver of apprehension. For the past two months, those visits had turned into a routine. Nevermind how fragile and shattered they always left her, for nothing in the world she would put an end to them. Rena was extracted from her thoughts by the sound of footsteps approaching. She took time to recompose herself and slowly glanced over her shoulder, making eye contact with Akane.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to drive you?” Akane offered, conflicted. “I could come with you.”

“Thank you, but I already called a taxi,” Rena said, reminding her. “And you have to be at work in half an hour, remember?”

“I can afford to arrive a bit late,” Akane said, with gentle insistence. “I don’t have any important meeting this morning.”

“Arrive late? What would the CEO think of her chief operating officer behaving in such a way?” Rena said, attempting a light, joking tone. Her friend didn’t seem fooled by it. “Thank you, but...” she added in a weak murmur, a forced smile curving her mouth but not reaching her eyes. “I prefer to go alone.”

Rena saw her hesitating, her mouth opening and closing as if she wished to add something, but she didn’t say anything. Yes, she preferred being alone during those visits. Tears always fell with great ease, too hard to contain, and she refused to offer such a sight to her friends again. They had already witnessed her sorrow far too often for her liking. She wanted to retrieve a semblance of dignity.

When did she come out of her state of torpor and inactivity? It was hard to pinpoint the exact moment. At first, she went downstairs to share meals in common, returning to the darkness of her bedroom straight after. Progressively, she went out an hour, and two, slowly back to interacting with the other members of the household.

Alice, the family’s domestic robot, had been the easiest to start with. Rena didn’t feel ashamed to look like a mess in front of her. She patiently listened as Rena spoke. Her replies were always tainted with a certain innocence and naivety, characteristic of her robotic conception, but she never asked questions more than necessary. Rena felt comfortable in her presence; Alice was a simple but easy company.

Gaining confidence, Rena allowed herself to engage in conversations with Akane and Airi. A few minutes at first. As the weeks went on, it turned into an hour, then two. Conversations were light and trivial. Mostly non-important. But the renewed socialization enabled her to slowly come out of her shell. Shizuru, Akane and Airi’s quiet and good-mannered daughter, occasionally took the initiative to engage a conversation with her, mostly to share her everyday life at school.

The only person Rena hadn’t managed to interact with was her own distant daughter. During meals, Natsuki focused on her plate and barely said a word. When they found themselves in the same room, Rena sometimes caught her daughter staring at her. As soon as their eyes met, Natsuki looked away hastily.

Right now, as Rena finished preparing herself for her departure, and she observed the two children playing in the living room, her eyes suddenly locked with Natsuki’s. Rena distinguished a flicker of hesitation in her expression. These last few weeks, it wasn’t the first time she witnessed it. Her attitude had changed ever so slightly. She refused to talk to her, but the visual exchanges lingered, as if she was… torn? Yet, this time once more, the brief visual interaction ended as every previous one. Her daughter’s reproachful and upset look: Rena would never get used to it. And it made her heart clench in pain every single time.

“You should tell her the truth,” Akane said tentatively. “It’s not right… It’s not right to make her hate you for this.”

Rena took a deep, shaky breath. It wasn’t the first time she brought up this topic. “It would only make her suffer.”

“Because it’s best to let her believe her mama abandoned her? Don’t you think she could believe it’s her fault if she left?”

Rena’s eyes widened. “No, she wouldn’t…” she stammered, words failing her. “She believes it’s my fault. She wouldn’t think…” At Akane’s serious expression, the realization hit her. A pang of shame swept through her. Her wish was to protect Natsuki from the harsh truth, and she had been more than willing to put all the blame on herself. All this time, this eventuality hadn’t crossed her mind.  

Rena turned away, not wanting her friend to witness the indignant tears that threatened to come suddenly to her eyes. “I know I have to tell her the truth. Trust me, I do.” Her voice was husky with despair. Deep down, Rena was aware she couldn’t lie to Natsuki eternally. But how could she consider having this conversation when she felt herself breaking at the simple idea? “I just don’t know how…” With an effort, she lifted her eyes and gave Akane a pleading look. “I need a little more time. Please. I promise I’ll tell her.”

“Alright,” Akane said, offering her a sad but friendly smile. She wrapped her fingers around Rena’s palm and, feeling it shaking, gave it a light squeeze. “It’s fine. On your own terms. When you’re ready.”

Rena was secretly relieved when she didn’t insist, and turned on her heels. “Ah, wait!” Akane sounded urgent behind her back. “Before you leave, could you sign this? It completely slipped my mind.” Akane retrieved a digital tablet from her briefcase. “It’s for the launching of the new project. The board of directors approved it; it only requires your signature.”

Rena’s gaze dropped to the tablet Akane was handling her. She skimmed through the text and, without second thoughts, added her signature at the bottom of the page.

“By the way….” After a moment’s hesitation, Akane continued. “When are you planning on coming back to the office?”

Rena tried to hide her unease with a fake smile. “From what I’ve seen, you’re managing the company very well without me.”

“I’m doing my best to run it in your absence and I’ll gladly continue as long as needed,” Akane said, trying to sound reassuring. “But the board of directors have raised concerns. They are understanding of the situation, but they fear an impact on our partners and investors on the long-term.” She swallowed, and her expression turned apprehensive. “The last thing I want is to rush you into going back to work if you’re not ready. I hesitated a lot to mention this, but I can’t keep it to myself any longer. The board needs to be reassured, and my words have limited effect. I’m afraid only the CEO’s presence will manage to put them at ease.”

“I don’t know when I’ll be able to…” Rena’s voice trailed off weakly.

On a few occasions, Akane and Airi had suggested her to consider going back to work. They seemed inclined to believe that, the slow and progressive regain of an activity would do her some good. She had difficulty sharing their view on the subject. It already caused her great effort to leave the confinement of her bedroom. Even more to interact with others. She hadn’t hesitated to delegate the reins of the company to Akane, having no doubt it would be in good hands. Hearing the issues Akane was going through made her feel slightly guilty, fearing to have placed a heavy burden on her shoulders.

At the sound of her watch beeping, she read the message she had received. “The taxi is here. I should be back in an hour or two.”

“Take all the time you need,” Akane assured her. “I’ll drop Natsuki and Shizuru at school on my way to work. Airi has an appointment at the office this morning, but she’ll work from home in the afternoon. In the meantime, don’t hesitate to ask Alice if you need anything.”

Rena nodded silently and opened the front door, but couldn’t help stealing one last glance in the direction of the living room. She lingered on her daughter, attentive to her every move, watching her play with Shizuru. Pain tore at her heart at the deterioration of their relationship. When would she be able to be a real mother to her? When would she find the strength to confess the truth about her mother’s death? Despite the uncertainties placating her, Rena felt a twinge of reassurance. Natsuki wasn’t alone. In this household, she was surrounded by people who had undivided affection for her, especially an adorable friend by her side.

 **********

Matsui family vault.

Rena’s footsteps came to a halt, and she read the golden inscription carved into the black marble façade. Despite its majestic, imposing stature, the grand funeral building was located in a quiet, isolated area of the cemetery, preserving it from needless attention. Its Roman architecture, sharp contrast with the modern technology of Tokyo, was a direct influence from her great-grandfather’s legacy. Rena wasn’t a capricious child. She didn’t raise her voice in presence of adults. She always obeyed her father, following his instructions to the letter. At her great-grandfather’s passing, and her father suggested to reduce his body to ashes and place him into a cremation site, she refused to stay silent.

Her father and her great-grandfather didn’t get along. Their conflictual relationship went back to the time when she was a young child. Rena never got to learn the official reason behind their dispute, but as the years went by, and she became more attentive of her environment, she figured her father’s frequent infidelities, added to his lack of paternal love, were not innocent to it. In the professional field, no one could match Akihide Matsui’s pioneering spirit and talented skills as a business man. It had propelled Matsui Corporation in the top 10 companies of the country after one year of existence.

But not the same could be said of the father figure he represented. Rena had learned to grow up without a mother, and with limited contact with her grandparents. Raised by nannies, her education taken care of by knowledgeable but dull private tutors. Ignored by an absent father who gave more attention to his work and fleeting conquests, Rena was a smart but lonely child. Her only sources of happiness resulted from the times when her father, in his rare moments of leniency, allowed her to visit her great-grandfather on one of his archeologist’s sites.

Consigning her great-grandfather to oblivion in one of the dozens cold and soulless cremation buildings that abounded around the city was out of the question. She had spoken up, staking her claim, refusing to give up until he accepted to erect a site worthy of his heritage. To her surprise, the conversation didn’t turn as heated as she feared. Maybe her father had been caught off guard by the unexpected moment of rebellion. After a long silence, during which his expression proved unreadable, he had calmly stated it was a waste of money but agreed to her request, under the strict condition that she took care of all dispositions.

Rena didn’t let herself get discouraged by the challenge.

At the age of 15, Rena surrounded herself with the best in their field of expertise. She brought her input into the elaboration of the construction plans, and undertook the building of the family’s vault.

For a little while, Rena stayed in front of the entrance, feeling a sense of pride at what she had accomplished. After 15 years of existence, the vault still stood proudly, preserving the remains of the members of the Matsui family.

Extending her hand, Rena placed her palm flat on the rectangular panel located on the left side of the door. A light scanned her hand, and Rena saw her picture and name pop up on the screen. “Matsui Rena-san,” announced a robotic voice. “Authorization granted.” The door opened up, and Rena walked inside.

Over the years and the evolution of society in terms of robotics, Rena had taken the liberty to make a few changes to the original building. Securing the main access had been her main concern, followed by the customization of the interior’s design. The vault was divided into separate rooms, one for every family member, each space arranged carefully to allow visitors a proper time of reflection.

Rena had stopped counting how often she came to visit Jurina. Her knees weakened and her chin trembled at the sight of the coffin positioned in the middle of the room. She took a deep breath, trying to calm down, and progressed further inside. The walls were decorated on all sides with the virtual projection of a forest landscape, accompanied by the light rustle of wind in the branches, and the melodic chirping of birds.  

Rena wasn’t an adept of excessive technology, but she didn’t regret implementing those modifications. They contributed to create a peaceful and relaxing atmosphere to the sad and cold place. Separating her from the white coffin, was a transparent glass window, secured by another control panel. Rena repeated the process and placed her hand on it, the quick scan confirming her identity, and allowing her to enter.

“Hello, my love.” Rena slid her fingers along the polished surface of the white wooden coffin. “I miss you. I miss you so much.” Her voice cracked; her eyes grew large and liquid. “But I guess you’re tired of hearing that week after week? You probably prefer if I tell you about my day? I’m afraid it will lack originality.”

Rena staggered a few steps away from the coffin and glass window, the door closing automatically at her passage. Feebly, she sat down in the chair behind her. Not taking her eyes from the coffin, she wondered when those conversations became a habit. The first time she passed that door in Akane’s presence, her insides had exploded into pieces, a wail of excruciating sorrow bursting from her throat at the sight of what remained of her wife. As seconds transformed into minutes, and her pain showed no sign of diminishing, her best friend hadn’t waited any longer to pull her out of the place.

The second visit hadn’t gone any better. Rena had taken the initiative to flee the room as soon as tears rolled down her cheeks. Airi, who had accompanied her, hadn’t said a word and drove her back home, but the renewed failed experience had left Rena devastated. A few weeks went by before she gathered the courage to make a new attempt. She could literally feel the anticipation emanating from Akane when the door slid open, almost as if she was ready to drag her out at any instant.

To Rena’s relief, she managed to stand on her feet without breaking down. With unsteady steps, she had approached the glass window, holding her tears as best as she could. She hadn’t been able to stay long, overwhelmed by emotions, but when she left, Rena realized the important step she had achieved. The following visits marked a further progress. Not only was she capable of going alone without Akane or Airi’s assistance, she had formed a sort of routine. Talking to Jurina for an hour about everything and anything. Somehow, those visits became less painful, even bringing her some comfort, almost as if Jurina was still present and hadn’t completely left her side.

Rena’s gaze drifted to the picture frame of her smiling wife and the digital tablet disposed on a small rounded table. The tablet contained a list of files, pictures and videos, memories uploaded by visitors. It was a way of honoring the deceased, transmit the memory of the one who had left this earth but remained in people’s hearts and minds. Friends, co-workers… So many had contributed to preserve Jurina’s memory, and Rena was almost sure to have viewed all of them.

During her visits, Rena often watched at least one video. The painful and complex nature of her relationship with her daughter pushed her to play one in particular. One of the videos that Rena had herself uploaded. “Play memory n°11.”

“Playing memory n°11.” A robotic voice repeated. The forest background dissipated on the opposite wall, giving way to the video’s projection.

“Come on, blow your candles!” Jurina, who was wearing a silly blue birthday hat, could hardly contain her enthusiasm, clapping in her hands. On the opposite side of the table was seated Rena, who was doing her best not to laugh at her wife’s childish behavior. As of Natsuki, she was positioned between them, staring with envy at the chocolate cake. Four white lit candles were disposed as a circle and surrounded a larger one in the middle, representing the letter 4.

As if preparing for a complex challenge, Natsuki’s expression grew serious. Leaning over the table, she inflated her lungs and exhaled, blowing out the candles. All white candles extinguished, but not the one in the middle. The flame wavered left and right, but didn’t go out.

“Ah, Natsuki didn’t blow hard enough,” Jurina said. Her teasing tone didn’t escape Rena’s attention. She exchanged a look with her, and understanding crossed her face at the mischievous wink she received.

“I did!” Natsuki glared at the rebellious candle. With a great gasp, she filled her lungs afresh and blew with all her might. The candle flame flickered, a smile of victory already playing on Natsuki’s lips, only to vanish when the flame didn’t falter. The candle flame stood proudly in the middle, unaffected by Natsuki’s second powerful but failing attempt. “No!! It’s not… It’s not possible!”

Natsuki stared at the cake with anger and frustration, and Rena decided to put an end to her misery. “It appears your mama played a trick on you and bought one of those old vintage candles, didn’t she?”

Natsuki’s eyes widened and she looked at Jurina in shock. “W-What does it mean! How do I blow it?!”

“You can’t.” Jurina’s face split into a wide grin. She reached for a secret switch behind the candle. The flame, that had given Natsuki such a hard time, extinguished by magic.

Natsuki’s mouth dropped open.

“Taste your birthday cake.” Jurina cut the cake and put a slice on Natsuki’s plate. “Your mommy baked it especially for you.”

“Y-You did?” Natsuki tilted her head in Rena’s direction, incredulous.

“Yes, I did,” Rena replied, finding her reaction entertaining. “Why do you look so surprised?”

Natsuki could not hide her embarrassment. “It’s just that mommy is always so busy.” She lowered her voice, fumbling for words. “I didn’t think she had time to…”

Rena didn’t feel offended. Her daughter was only stating the truth. As CEO of a major company, her high position required a lot of personal investment and charged her with great responsibilities. However, this job she loved also had its disadvantages. Amongst them, enough free time to spend with her family. “Yes, mommy works a lot.” Rena drew her chair closer and reached for Natsuki’s face, stroking her left cheek gently. “But Natsuki must never forget how much I love her.”

Natsuki blushed and nodded, smiling shyly.

“And I love you too!” Jurina exclaimed, and kissed Natsuki’s other cheek. “In an hour, aunty Airi and Akane will be coming over with Shizuru. I’ve been told your girlfriend has a special present for you.”

Rena shot her wife a slight disapproving look.

Natsuki went scarlet. “S-Shizuru is not my girlfriend!” Her gaze quickly dropped to her plate and she took a piece, lifting her fork to her mouth. She opened her mouth and tasted it, her whole face beaming with the liveliest, happiest smile.

Rena watched her eat her cake, the way she gulped it down in barely three bites, soon requesting another slice. Rena looked over the other side of the table, and exchanged a subtle look of amusement with Jurina. Rena didn’t hesitate to comply to her daughter’s wishes, cutting another slice for her. Natsuki ate the second slice almost as fast as the previous one, emptying her plate in no time. Natsuki turned in her direction and placed a spontaneous kiss on her cheek, and Rena felt the warmth of pleasure fill her chest. Each day that passed, she realized how fortunate she was to have such a wonderful family.

The video had some footage left, but Rena wasn’t paying attention to it anymore, tears blinding her vision. Those precious family moments reminded her of what she had lost, and how strongly she wished she could go back in the past. She got extracted from her thoughts by the sound of the front door beeping. Caught off guard, she swung around, a robotic voice refusing the entrance to the new visitor. A second attempt was made, only for the control panel to deny access.

Rena heard footsteps receding, and she hesitated. The fact that the visitor wasn’t granted access only meant one thing: their identity wasn’t recognized by the system. Curiosity getting the best of her, Rena stood up from the chair and moved towards the entrance. As she slid it open, the stranger faced her back. It was a long, dark-haired slender woman, dressed in a long brown coat and a matching pair of boots. She wore light makeup, and her lips were slightly red. Her whole appearance was quite elegant and graceful, and Rena figured she had to be in her late twenties.

“I’m sorry for the disturbance,” the woman said, bowing respectfully. “I hope it’s not inappropriate, but I was wondering if I could pay my respect to Jurina-san.”

Rena studied her, and tried to figure out who she was. One thing was certain: she wasn’t part of Jurina’s close friends and colleagues. Otherwise, she would have recognized her immediately. The woman didn’t give her a bad impression, and struck her as sincere in her intentions. After a short moment’s reflection, Rena gave her a nod of consent. “Yes, of course. Please come in.”

Rena lead the way, the woman’s hesitant steps following her. Rena entered and realized the video was still playing. She switched it off hastily. The frozen image of the happy family faded on the wall at once, replaced by the peaceful forest scenery. Rena stood at the back of the room, using the opportunity that the woman was approaching the glass window to observe her attentively. A multitude of questions piled up in her head, one more pressing in particular. Who was that woman?

“Where are my manners. I didn’t introduce myself.” The woman turned around, and gave her a half-embarrassed smile. “I’m Iriyama-san.”

“Matsui-san. A pleasure to make your acquaintance,” Rena replied politely.

“Yes, I know who you are,” the woman said and, witnessing Rena’s confusion, added. “It would be hard not to recognize the face of the CEO of one of the top 10 companies in the country.”

“Right…” Rena murmured, feeling a little silly. “Sometimes, I forget anonymity is a luxury I can’t afford.”

The woman’s face became sober, and somewhat uneasy. “I want to express my sincere apologies for your loss.”

Rena’s features darkened. “Thank you, I appreciate your kind words.” She recovered quickly and smiled, but it just barely made it to her eyes. “Forgive me, but I don’t think we’ve ever met?”

“No, we haven’t. I lived abroad for many years, and came back to Japan recently. When I heard about this tragedy on the news… I could hardly believe it. Jurina-san and I didn’t part on good terms, but I knew I had to come and visit her. My eternal regret is that I’ll never have the opportunity to tell her how sorry I am for the pain I caused her.”

Rena was destabilized, unsure how to react to the confession. And what about the strange familiarity she had used to call her wife? For a while, they didn’t speak, and the woman redirected her attention to the casket visible through the glass window. “How… did you know Jurina?”

“We met in college. For two years, we studied in the same class. Until my actions caused our paths to drift apart,” Iriyama-san replied, with a sad undertone in her voice. “I was young and foolish, and hurt someone I truly cared about. It took me too long to realize my mistake and, once I did, Jurina and I had already lost contact. And now… Now I’ll never be able to ask for her forgiveness...”

She trailed off, and silence stretched between them for an eternity, before she added with a twinge of embarrassment. “I’m sorry for interrupting your moment of reflection. Once more, I want to express how deeply sorry I am for your loss. I couldn’t help but catch a glimpse of the video, and I can see you formed a beautiful family. I can’t even imagine the degree of your pain.”

Rena stayed quiet, noticing from her peripheral vision the other woman walking towards the exit. That’s when it clicked. “I know who you are.”

Iriyama-san tilted her head back. The look in her eyes betrayed her surprise.

“Jurina spoke about you,” Rena started, putting pieces of the puzzle together. “The way your relationship ended hurt her a lot, but…” Rena was a bit ill-at-ease broaching this particular subject, but kept on, wishing to convey as much honesty as possible in her words. “Eventually, she managed to move on and forgave you. She found happiness again.” Rena offered her a small, tentative smile. “She wouldn’t have wanted you to live the rest of your life with regrets, so I hope you’ll be able to forgive yourself and put the past behind.”

It was a long while before Iriyama-san summoned the composure to speak.

“Thank you. Thank you for saying that,” Iriyama-san replied, with a flare of emotion in her voice. “And yes, I can tell she was truthfully happy with you.” Her face softened slightly. “It might be difficult to hear such a thing during those times of hardship you’re going through, but once your sorrow will have decreased enough, I hope you’ll find a way to move forward and rediscover a taste for life.”

Those were the last words they exchanged.

Iriyama-san offered her a polite bow and withdrew from the room, her last words lingering in Rena’s mind.

 **********

 It was 6 in the morning when Rena tiptoed out of her bedroom, careful to make as little noise as possible. The house was plunged in darkness when she walked down the stairs, and settled down in the kitchen for a light breakfast. The moment of quiet and solitude was the occasion to contemplate her decision. Fear and uncertainty crossed her features. What if she was going too fast and making a huge mistake?

The sound of feet clattering on the tile floor caught her attention and she looked up from her bowl of cereals. A pair of blue eyes were shining through the kitchen’s dim light and approaching her position. Rena lowered her gaze to the ground. Alice, the family’s domestic robot, was staring fixedly at her.

“You’re up early, Miss Rena-san. Is something wrong? Do I need to warn the mistresses of your presence?”

“No, it won’t be necessary,” Rena said, whispering back. “I have to go somewhere, but Airi and Akane don’t need to know about it yet.”

The female robot looked confused. “Mistress Airi and Mistress Akane need to be aware of everything that happens in the house. Not to mention, my role is to look over you. My mistresses were very explicit on that. I cannot disobey a direct order.”

Rena couldn’t help but flash a nostalgic smile. Alice’s sense of dedication and stubbornness reminded her of a special robot who used to share her daily life. It had taken her a little while to adapt to Alfred’s presence. Now that he was gone, Rena realized how much he had come to mean to her. Almost effortlessly, the adorable, helpful little robot had left his imprint in her heart.

“I thank you for taking good care of me.” At the memory of Alfred’s absence, Rena’s faint smile contained a note of sadness. “And you’re not disobeying any order. I was planning on leaving a note. Your mistresses will find it on the living room table as soon as they wake up and come downstairs.”

“Oh, alright.” Alice bobbed her head in agreement. “Thank you for this information. In that case, I can allow you to leave the house.”

Rena followed Alice’s retreating form as she retraced her steps back to her favorite stance by the sofa, the blue glow of her eyes slowly diminishing. Rena redirected her attention to her unfinished breakfast, and brought a spoonful of cereals to her mouth. Putting aside her brief encounter with her morning visitor, a knot formed in Rena’s stomach. She didn’t know if she was ready, but she had to see for herself.

 **********

 It was raining. Of course, it had to be, Rena cursed the droplets of water hitting her face when she stepped out of the taxi and arrived at her final destination. The weather was fine when she left her friends’ house, but it appeared misfortune decided to strike her. A few months ago, she would never have trusted the weather forecast, and systematically brought her mini collapsible umbrella each time she left home. Her carelessness left her both bewildered and slightly ashamed.  

“Matsui-san, please take shelter.”

Rena’s heart skipped a beat when she heard a male voice addressing her from behind, soon seeing an umbrella above her head. She spun around to look at him, her features slowly relaxing when she recognized the male guard. “N-Nakamura-san. I didn’t expect to see you. What are you doing here so early?”

“I always start work at 6 am, Matsui-san,” the guard replied, in a tone of mingled calm and politeness.  

“Oh, that’s right...” Rena showed some uneasiness and hesitation. Was her brain so muddled from being cooped up at home that she couldn’t remember the work schedule of one of her employees? “Tell me. Has… anyone arrived at floor 22?”

“Fuji-san, Minamoto-san and Tamura-san have arrived at floor 7. Mori-san and Haradara-san at floor 2. And a few other employees at floor 5 and 9. But no one from floor 22. You’re the first, Matsui-san.”

A wave of relief washed over her. It was the answer she hoped for. “Thank you, Nakamura-san. I won’t delay you any longer.”

The male guard opened the door for her, and stepped aside. “You’re welcome, Matsui-san. It’s a pleasure to see you back.”

Rena entered the building and didn’t dwell upon the receptionist’s surprised look, getting in the first elevator. Pressing the button 22, she tried to keep her focus on the change of floors numbers as she felt a shiver of unease stir deep down inside her. The feeling was strong, oppressing her chest, and she had to hold onto the handrail to brace herself for fear of losing her balance. Nevermind how hard she tried not to think about it, this place unleashed a stream of memories.  

It was the place where she and Jurina had first met, the latter soaked from head to toe in search of a new job opportunity. It was the place where, as soon as the elevator emptied and they found themselves alone, they had exchanged so many kisses and words of affection. It was the place where Jurina had asked for her hand in marriage, and she had immediately said yes. It was also the place where Jurina had showed her proudly an ultrasound, revealing the arrival of their first child.

The changes of floors felt interminable. 7, 8, 9. Rena panted, every breath burning through her throat. 11, 12, 13. It felt as though this nightmare would never end. 16, 17, 18. The idea of pressing the emergency button crossed her thoughts. Her hand clutched more tightly the railing, so hard her fingers hurt. 20, 21, 22. At last. The opening of the doors felt like a deliverance.

Her feet inched forward and she stepped outside, feeling herself tremble as she heard the doors closing behind her. She marked a long pause and tried to recollect herself, steadying her breathing. When she felt calm enough, she forced her legs to move. She walked forward, her movements stiff and awkward, until she stopped in front of the door leading towards the large office of floor 22.

As she entered, her first instinct was to sweep the place. She was grateful for the emptiness of the floor, mentally thanking Nakamura-san for his reliable memory. If she had opted for coming to the office at such an early time of the day, it was for a good reason. She wanted to avoid meeting people, fearing she wasn’t ready for any further social interaction. Making small chats at home with close friends, was one thing. Being able to hold a proper, civilized discussion with employees was a whole different matter.

She crossed the room, taking time to look around. The location of the desks. The decoration. The names of each employee, that she read and recognized, indicated on the upper right side of the window panel of every desk. Nothing seemed to have changed a bit since the last time she set foot in floor 22. Her path led her to her own private office, only to reach the same observation.

Here and there, there were some subtle signs that her office had been occupied by someone else. Rena recognized a few of Akane’s belongings, from a picture frame of her family, to her own computer. Some files were properly piled up on the left side of the desk. The place hadn’t been rearranged or redecorated, and was as tidied as she left it. Rena stood at the back of the office, feeling a warm, nostalgic feeling fill her chest.

Against all odds, her previous, almost traumatizing, experience in the elevator had vanished from her mind to give way to a more calm, peaceful sensation. When, a little while later, she left her private office and floor 22, Rena found herself conflicted. She thought it wiser to use the staircase, and the long, slow descent gave her plenty of opportunity to reflect on her next course of action.

She had felt at ease within the space of her office, surprising herself in missing her job and responsibilities, but returning to work implied more than sitting behind a desk. She would be required to attend meetings and conferences. Interact on a daily basis with employees, work partners and associates. Today, she had taken an important step forward. But was she ready to return to public life for all that?

I hope you’ll find a way to move forward and rediscover a taste for life.

The words Iriyama-san had pronounced replayed in her mind. These past two months, she had slowly emerged from her torpor. She had learned to appreciate again some aspects of daily life. Her palate became sensitive again; the food didn’t taste bitter anymore. She was capable of holding, as small and trivial they remained, bits of conversations with Airi and Akane. She didn’t feel a mere shadow of her former self anymore, and the light and outside world didn’t frighten her as much.

But she couldn’t get the picture of her wife’s body lying at the morgue out of her mind. Her chest was tight with emotion each time the memory resurfaced. She had to swallow hard to bit back tears and keep control over her feelings. Jurina’s face haunted her thoughts. She wanted to make her smile and hear her laugh. Embrace her and kiss her again. How could she move forward, when her brain refused to accept that Jurina had passed away?

Rena’s feet slowed down, and she halted in front of floor 11. It was one of the offices invested by the Research and Development Department. The department Jurina had managed, and developed so many groundbreaking projects for the past five years. All nervousness and apprehension slipped back to grip her. Every fiber in her body warned her against the idea of entering that floor.

Rena closed her eyes, trying to steady the sudden wave of fear that filled her. She had gathered so much courage to come all this way. She couldn’t turn back. She needed to overcome this new challenge. All her senses were in alert when she stepped inside the office grounds of floor 11, attentive to any noise, any sign that someone might be present. Just as Nakamura-san had stated, this floor was thankfully also void of employees. Rena’s heart was beating with an uneasy, irregular rhythm and she didn’t dwell in the main open space, taking it straight to Jurina’s private office.

Rena stood in front of the entrance, unmoving, and took a deep breath, summoning the last vestiges of her strength. Her hand tremored as she placed it onto the scan, a robotic voice granting her access. She stepped inside, the door clicking shut behind her, and she leaned heavily against it. Her gaze wandered around the room, in search of something out of the ordinary, but everything was the way it should be. Jurina’s office remained untouched, as if frozen in time.

Her black leather office chair. Her desk, with her computer and digital tablets. The square table in a corner of the room, with maps and files and other documents scattered over it. The walls decorated with a blue ocean scenery. At last, the large picture frame hanging on the wall opposite the desk, and representing Jurina’s family. Rena forbade herself to tremble and pushed herself away from the door, stepping closer to the middle of the room. Pulling the office chair, she sat down gingerly, fighting to keep her fragile control.

She tried to ignore the tightening of her stomach muscles, and let her fingers ran across the surface of the desk. She did not actually touch, merely passed the flat of her palm over her wife’s possessions, one after the other, slowly, carefully. When she felt her hand shaking, she withdrew it, and clutched her hands together in her lap. She dragged her eyes away and attempted to stand up, but her whole body felt heavy, refusing to respond, as if it no longer belonged to her.

Rena raised her hand and passed it over her face, closing her eyes, growing despondent as she could feel the tears wet on her cheek. Why on earth did she decide to come back to the office? Airi and Akane only meant well, but she remained too emotionally fragile. She wasn’t in physical and mental capacity to resume work, and this place brought back too many memories.

Absentmindedly, Rena pulled a drawer open, discovering a number of documents stuffed inside. A faint smile crossed her lips at her wife’s slight disordered desk. Jurina’s work was always so perfect and meticulous, that Rena wondered how she achieved such a miracle with her own personal conception of organization. She opened a second drawer, finding another stack of pages. Her attention was grabbed by a white envelope laying on the top of the pile. Blinking in confusion, she retrieved the mysterious envelope, and her body grew rigid as she read the inscription.

Rena.

She almost dropped the envelope; her fingers shook so. She ran her fingertips across the smooth edges and, for a long moment, stared at her name penned in Jurina’s handwriting. What words could be within? Why did she feel so afraid of opening it? She pulled out a letter, carefully unfolding it. It was an old-fashioned style of paper, slightly browned with age, crackling to the touch, just like an ancient parchment. The letter was bordered with a pattern of delicate flowers, that Rena recognized as pink freesias.

Happy 30th anniversary.

Yes, I know. You said you didn’t want to receive anything special. But did you truly expect me to listen? Today is the 30th anniversary of my beautiful wife. And nothing could have stopped me from making this moment unforgettable. For months, I thought a lot about what kind of present to give you. The idea of writing you a letter, and using an old style of paper from this vintage shop you love so much, was the first that came to my mind. I can even imagine your smile right now as you read this letter.

I knew I had to do something significant to mark the occasion. I’m sorry for hiding you the truth for so long. All those evenings, when you kept asking me what was delaying me at work, I had a difficult time to not revealing everything. You are so smart and persuasive. It’s a hard task to conceal anything from you. To be honest, I didn’t even know if I would achieve my objective. During months, I worked relentlessly on this project, as discreetly as possible to not alert anyone.

I did it, Rena.

I finished the plans of the time machine.

Right now, as I’m writing those words, I’m not sure how you will receive the news. I hope you won’t be mad at me for doing it behind your back. I know you said you had put that dream behind, but certain dreams are too meaningful to give up on. I want you to go back in time. Revisit all those wonderful, ancient civilizations you so often speak about. Please accept my gift. Please build the time machine. No one should live their life with regrets, and I never want to see that fire of passion extinguish from your eyes.

With love,

Jurina.

Rena could hardly breathe.

She held the letter between her shaking hands, her eyes transfixed on the words. Over and over, she ran her gaze across them. She had a hard time believing what she was reading. Adrenaline suddenly shot through her as she realized what Jurina had accomplished. A miracle. There was no other way to name it. Rena straightened her shoulders and, tilting her chin up, wiped her tears with the back of her hand.

Her eyes gleamed with a newfound determination.

[lady-byleth]

In today's rant I would like to address the issue of Exodus and it's bad treatment of Soushi as a character as well as why Soushi's implied crush on Toomi makes no sense and is – as a story aspect – bad writing.

First let me just stop anyone who might read this from saying stuff like “but it's been around from the beginning” and “he's always given her preferential treatment”. Yes, he has treated her differently and yes, he has tried to protect her in the past. No, this is not an indication of an already existing crush; it's proof of how much Kazuki means to him and his mental well-being.

To elaborate, this does not actually happen in the main series and my understanding of this is that they actually wanted it to look like a crush to the casual viewer while hiding something much deeper behind it. And by “behind it” I mean “in the drama CDs”.

Obviously, the English-speaking fandom won't have the ability to easily access these dramas and thus has to work with what they're given from the main series. Which is rather limited information for a franchise as extensive and thorough in its world and character building as Fafner. I'll add the links to the translations at the end in case anyone gets that far but lemme summarise some of the most important parts real quick.

These dramas put a lot of emphasis on Kazuki and Soushi's relationship to each other and on Toomi's feelings about Shouko's death and why she wants to fight. They all play between episodes of the show itself so a lot of information is actually lost, a lot of important information.

Did you, for example, know that it was Soushi who defiled the Hazama family grave after Shouko's death? That he spread the rumours about her to make sure pilots really understood that blowing themselves up is NOT an acceptable strategy? Did you also know that Toomi knew and told Kazuki about it? Many people I talk to don't know that.

But that's beside the point. The point is that at several points in the dramas Ubukata, who wrote every animated instalment of the series, as well as the dramas and the novels since he took over in like episode 15, lampshades that everything hinges on Kazuki and Soushi getting along. At least for them.

I think it's in NOW HERE that most of this happens so, let's get right into it.

Kazuki wants to fight alone and asks Soushi to take Toomi out of the piloting program before she can actually become a real pilot. Soushi is hesitant because they do need all those pilots but relents after Kazuki insists, saying he can't promise anything but hey, he'll try. He's been having his doubts about her anyway so this is as good a reason as any.

Cue him calling Toomi about something and her being in a huff because she knows he's the one who is “talking badly about her” and trying to kick her off the program. Soushi, being the see-through mess that he is, gets completely floored by her anger and she figures out that it was Kazuki who made him do it. So she calls him and explains that she wants to fight like Shouko did. 

But...Kazuki is an idiot and immediately assumes “fighting like Shouko” means “I'll blow myself up” so he calls Soushi, who of course is also an idiot and thinks the same thing.

Long story short, there's a big misunderstanding and they blow shit completely out of proportion and Toomi is pissed for most of the drama. Which isn't the point but it's important for later so bear with me and bear “angry Toomi” in mind because she's a pretty common sight around Soushi.

So, Kazuki and Toomi have a conversation about why they can fight and Toomi asks if it's because Soushi is with him that Kazuki can do so well. He gets flustered at this – we know, baby, it's okay – and then immediately gets jealous when Toomi says “I'm the same” because “what do you mean you can fight because of Soushi?”. She clears the misunderstanding up right away but the reaction is so telling, it's incredible she didn't call him out on it.

Later Toomi confronts Soushi and asks him if he would have changed Kazuki's data too if he'd had the chance. She says he doesn't have to answer if he can't and he gets incredibly defensive. “As if I could answer such a question!” Toomi is relieved and saddened at once because “So it really is like that”. She's got her confirmation that Soushi thinks of Kazuki just as highly as Kazuki thinks of him.

Anyway, when her being a pilot is confirmed Kazuki, who doesn't want to lose anyone else, calls out to Tsubaki for help. Soushi tells him she can't help him because she has to stay neutral in islander affairs (she's basically the Switzerland of Tatsumiyajima) but Tsubaki being her brother's sister – meaning, she can't refuse Kazuki a heartfelt plea – does get involved (after Kazuki and Toomi have their big fight and she sets him straight) and only to tell Kazuki he did good and then turn around and tell her brother to “give up on Kazuki” and “not get between them any more”. Soushi has a “Realisation” that he's afraid Kazuki will leave the island again and does everything he asks of him because of that fear. Good job, baby. Took you long enough.

The drama ends with Soushi following Tsubaki's advice for now (because we all know it doesn't last) and straight up telling Kazuki that yes, they are just tools of war for him and that he can't say anymore even to Kazuki. Kazuki makes himself accept that though it's unconvincing. “I know I can't ask more of you than this and that's okay,” paraphrased, my apologies.

NOW HERE especially shows that Soushi's actions towards Toomi are actually the result of a bit of a two-way tug of war between them for Kazuki and establishes that Soushi would do anything and sacrifice a lot to keep Kazuki close. And that Toomi gets in the way of that because she's important to Kazuki. Different to most such three-way relations, he doesn't try to actively out-do her. For him, Kazuki comes first and he'll do things that he usually wouldn't just to make him happy.

On the flip side, Kazuki is no better. The, I think, next drama is GONE/ARRIVE which plays just after Soushi was kidnapped by Festum. At this point, they all still think he's dead and by rights, this should have been in the show proper but...well, it wasn't. To keep this short, Kazuki and Fumihiko have a talk that quickly deteriorates into an all out meltdown for Kazuki. 

He's screaming and crying and completely losing it because Soushi is gone and he has “nothing left”. He wants to go join the Human Army at the north pole, just him and no one else, and he fully expects to die there. The only reason he hasn't taken Sein and left yet is because he needs someone to give him the order. But Soushi is gone so the only one who can do it is Fumihiko now. Fumihiko is of course very much against the idea but when Kazuki compares his loss and pain to how Fumihiko felt when Akane died (aka his wife and the woman he loved, which isn't very subtle at all Ubukata, thanks for that) he can't refuse anymore.

That's the entire point of the first part of the drama. To establish that Kazuki without Soushi doesn't want to keep living. Which is sad and even more proof that everyone on Tatsumiyajima needs a good therapist.

Kazuki and Soushi are the main characters, their relationship is the focal point of the series aside from the overarching Festum war, and Ubukata, as well as Yamanobe, spent 26 episodes, 4 dramas, 1 movie and 1 novel establishing them as being the most important person in each other's lives.

And then Exodus happens.

Don't get me wrong, I like Exodus, but I absolutely hate what it's done with the relationship between Kazuki, Soushi and Toomi. For one, it's significantly reduced the amount of focus Kazuki and Soushi get as a pair and instead give much more focus on Kazuki and Toomi, to a point that Toomi takes precedence before Soushi, contradicting Kazuki’s actions throughout the original and Heaven and Earth.

At one point Soushi jumps between him and an enemy soldier hell-bent on killing him – the guy literally points a gun at Kazuki – and it's never mentioned again. Not even a passing reference, nothing, because the show makes Toomi the more important character. Yes, she killed the other soldier and yes, she needs support from someone now (lots of it...please...someone hug her...), but no, this does not mean Soushi's attempt to die for Kazuki should be forgotten. 

If anything, Kazuki should be incredibly pissed off at Soushi for pulling another stunt like this. Kazuki is a very fragile person, a person who lives in constant fear of either dying or losing someone important to him, and having the one who is supposed to be the most important sacrificing himself for him could not have left him cold. Not by a long shot.

And yet the show puts all it's focus on Toomi and ignores Soushi completely. And not for the first time either.

Soushi pilots Mark Nicht, a Fafner that's been sealed away and is known for assimilating people left and right. For being sentient and cutting pain blocks of its own volition. And yet the only thing anyone has to say to Soushi once he comes out of the cockpit - after flying all the way to India, fighting an Azazel-type AND all that without any limiters (after his body is already established to be weak by Youko) - is to congratulate him on being able to pilot it and...for Toomi to chew him out for letting Kazuki – a notoriously stubborn person who cannot be talked out of stuff by anyone – pilot again.

He's in as much danger of dying as Kazuki and yet all she cares about is Kazuki.

Which brings me to part 2 of this rant, Soushi's implied crush on Toomi. So, first off, I will say that I think Ubukata did the same here as he did in the original and only gave us part of the information to mislead us and would have released the rest in drama CDs if anyone had let him. Since there are none I'll say they slapped his hands away and told him “down boy”.

Soushi's crush on Toomi makes no sense story wise since the original series plus drama CDs already debunked the hints of it back then as being his fixation on Kazuki at play and because Toomi has done nothing but to treat him like crap since the whole Festum war was revealed. Though, in her defence, she tries not to. 

She's pinned the blame for Kazuki's bad mental state on him since day one, has made him the bad guy in everything, only ever treated him as a means to protect Kazuki, has tried to pressure him into abandoning his duties for Kazuki (which is a dirty move considering what his duties are, namely coming up with the strategies and making sure no one dies) and slapped him.

Sure, the slap was deserved but her never apologising for it despite Exodus making clear that everyone knows how much he's suffered for this war and why he acts the way he does...that's not okay.

Don't get me wrong, I love Toomi as a character and she's suffered too much in Exodus – give her a break, goddamn it – but her relationship chart goes out of its way to name Soushi “someone to protect Kazuki with”. She doesn't really see him as a person, she sees him as someone Kazuki needs to be happy. And while she doesn't hate him, actually likes him to an extent, their interactions are filled with awkwardness and impersonality. 

From her and Soushi’s actions alone I would say that Kazuki is both of their top priority and that its an unspoken agreement between them to protect him. Which is completely in character of both. 

But this aside...they've been at odds since the first episodes and butted heads over Kazuki for years and suddenly Soushi is supposed to have a crush on her? He admires her, certainly, and her ability to read people fascinates as well as intimidates him, but beyond that, it makes no sense.

She’s not a monster, not by a long shot. She actively tries to treat him better than she used to and their relationship has gotten somewhat better but when push comes to shove she clearly doesn’t think of him anywhere near as highly as she does Kazuki. Which is a mutual feeling between them. 

Each other second, Kazuki first. Always.

Now, the translation links. 

Stand By Me: http://soukyuu.livejournal.com/99059.html

No Where: http://soukyuu.livejournal.com/43693.html

Now Here: http://redcrest.livejournal.com/1472.html

Gone/Arrive (first half, anyway): http://redcrest.livejournal.com/35225.html