#Also I wrote this in one sitting today so sorry if there's some understanding/grammar issues.

[artsysurvivor]

Don't Touch Me, I'm Scared

So, I've had this head-canon for awhile now and this prompt reminded me of it.

I find it highly doubtful that after being almost drowned Halt would get on a boat right away to sail to Araluen. No chance, nonzo. But I also think that his instincts would tell him to get to the docks as quickly as he could to get away from the guards and stuff.

So, he doesn't really let himself process what really happened, because 1, it would slow him down, and 2, it's painful emotionally, and frankly he didn't know how to deal with it. (Because he was never taught how to deal with emotions in a healthy manner)

Now, I also head-canon that Pritchard had trained him on the way there, and just generally did dad™️ things, or at least tried to. At that point, Halt was pretty distrustful of basically everybody, so he did what he was used to and shoved all his emotions down.

Until they actually got to the docks.

When they had entered the boarding area, the first thing they smelt* was fish and shrimp. Halt furrowed his brows and set his lips in a fine line. (Why let a little smell get to you? You're so close!) Pritchard asked if he was ok, and he replied by moving through the crowd. Pritchard sighed and tried to catch up to him, noticing that Declan was more visibly nervous than usual.

There were a lot of people hauling around supplies needed for their short and long trips ahead. Children ran, played, and screamed. Halt focused on the path ahead of him, trying to block out the people surrounding him. Before he had gone into the crowd, he got off Declan, leading him around by the reigns. While that drew less attention to him (the thought of being noticed was obviously pretty anxiety-inducing) it also made him feel more sweaty, and worse, more trapped. He grit his teeth and pressed onward, having to tug on Declan's reigns slightly to get him moving.

He finally made it to the boat, handing the captain a pouch of coins. He stared at the boat in front of him. He took in the rocking of the boat, and for the first time in a while he hesitated. He cursed himself and forced his feet to move. This time, Declan didn't, and instead neighed and kicked his feet (you know, the stereotypical freak out for a horse).

Halt paused on the deck and tried to calm him down.

As he did so, he could feel his heart pounding faster,

He smelt the shrimp, now a stronger smell than before.

and faster,

The rocking of the boat beneath his feet.

and faster,

Declan would not calm down for the life of him.

and faster.

The final nail in the coffin, so to speak, was when some of the ocean water splashed over him.

That's when he froze. His chest felt like it was going to burst open, his breathing was labored and he swore his lungs were closing up. The noise around him became blurred, as did his sight. His mind swam with disjointed memories from his past, and he was lightheaded.

Something—someone touched his hand, springing his body into motion again. He ran back to the woods.

Pritchard watches him run off, then grabbed Declan. He asked the captain for the refund, giving him a few of his own coins.

He had to do a double take when he saw him, deep in the woods, sitting next to a tree with his knees drawn up with his arms wrapped around them, his cloak almost completely sealing him from view. Pritchard got off his horse, Quinn, and knelt down beside him, hesitating. As much as he wanted to comfort him, he had no clue how to.

Hell, he didn't even know what exactly happened. Halt had gone far ahead, and he lost him among the crowd when he finally managed to get over to the ship that was heading towards Araluen, the boy's chest had already began to heave more frequently, and he seemed to become slightly more clumsy. Then, some water splashed on him, and he stopped moving, his hands resting on his chest and throat, and slightly hunched over. And, Pritchard didn't know if it was on purpose or not, but he had been staring at him. He pushed past the captain and tried to talk to him, but he didn't seem to register what was being said. He reached out his hand, making it brush against Halt's.

Panic lined his facial features, even more so than before, and he screamed something around the lines of "Don't touch me!" before bolting off.

The sun had been setting way too fast for his liking as he was trying to find him.

Quinn reacted before he did, sniffing the top of Halt's messy hair.

Halt looked up at them at the sensation, red surrounding his deep brown eyes, the source of the tear stains on his cheeks. He looked so small against the world, and Pritchard was reminded of how young he really was.

A broken voice came out of his mouth as he tried to speak. Pritchard knelt down beside him, looking up at the sky as to not stress him further. Halt swallowed and tried again, to avail. He squeezed the fabric of his pants tighter in frustration.

"It's alright, Halt. Unless you need something," Pritchard said, turning to face him. "Do you?"

Halt bit his lip and looked away.

"Listen, you're not bothering me if you do. I want to help you, I really do," Pritchard said. "So... do you need something?"

Halt shook his head.

"Are you sure? You've said this before, and-" he gestured vaguely. "It didn't turn out so well."

Halt thought for a moment, squinting his eyes. His brain was still foggy; it was hard to think straight. He nodded.

"Alright. I'll be setting up camp, so if you come up with anything, you can..." He felt pressure and warmth around his waist, the force of those things knocking him back. He had to catch his breath before putting his hand on the back of Halt's head, combing through his hair with his fingers, his other hand a securing weight among the boy's back.

After a couple of minutes, Halt pulled away slightly, taking a deep breath and swallowing.

"The boats," Halt said, his voice cracking. His eyes filled with exasperation among the already present fear. "Ferris, the guards..."

"We'll worry about all that once you've rested. For now, though, I promise you that everything will be ok."

Halt raised his eyebrow. "Promise." he said sarcastically.

"Promise."

"Over optimistic."

"What, do you doubt my skills?"

"Sometimes," Halt teased, pointing at him. "You're old with creaky joints."

Halt yawned as Pritchard stared at him. The old man sighed good-naturely. "What am I going to do with you?"

[most-wanted-fanfic-and-love]

Most Wanted 2 fanfic

☆ Masterlist  

Chapter one - Old friendship 

Words: 2203

Warning: anxiety/panic attack

A/N: This is a remake of the chapter I published months ago (link). Not only the grammar mistakes were corrected, but I added more scenes. I hope you enjoy it, wether you are a fan of MW or not, and remember - creative criticism is always welcome! ❤

By the way, the second chapter is going to be released next week 😄 and takes place in the present. Stay tuned! 

//////

“...Each one of you is going to write a memory from your childhood. The minimum of words is a hundred.”

After giving the assignment, the teacher sat down on the desk. Everyone started to rip a page from their notebooks, some focused, others whispering to their colleagues. In one of the desks from the middle of the room, a boy with brown dark hair was lost in thoughts… when someone touches his arm. He looks startled to the right, sighing afterward.

“You scared me…”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.” - giggled a girl with black hair - “Davey, as your seatmate, I couldn’t help but notice you were traveling in your own world.” - she whispers so the teacher wouldn’t catch them speaking - “You don’t know what to write for your assignment?”

He shrugs, whispering too - “Hmm, actually, I might have an idea…” - Dave pauses for a moment, not wanting to talk about it - “What about you, Cass?”

“I have a few ideas in my mind, but I don’t know which one to choose.” - Cassandra twirls her hair, thoughtful, while glancing at her notebook.”

Dave slightly smiles - “Hey, I can help.” - he says, while grabbing a yellow pencil and pulling the empty paper - “Can I scribble here?” - Cass nods, and he proceeds - “Tell me your ideas, but we need to be quick…”

After a while, everyone was writing their assignment, including Cassandra, thanks to Dave’s help. But he wasn’t having any luck in progressing with the text. Dave took a deep breath after crossing a phrase.

I'm not having any luck with this.

He decides to look around the busy classroom. A sense of dread was suddenly taking over Dave, as if he was going to be the first person to talk about what he wrote. But that wasn’t the issue.

There was only one thing he could do at the moment to relieve the uncomfortable feeling. After some seconds which seemed like an eternity, Dave raised his arm. When the teacher stared at him, he tried to speak with a normal tone - “May I go to the washroom?”

...But his anxiety didn't help with it. Dave prayed internally that no one had noticed the trembling voice. After the teacher nodded, Dave, hesitantly, left his seat and headed to the door. Behind him, Cassandra Leigh was observing discreetly whilst frowning her eyebrows. 

Through the big windows from the long corridor, Dave could feel the scorching that was the Californian weather. His heart was racing, so he started to walk fast, making his best effort to not start sobbing. Fortunately, there was no one else in the corridor at the moment besides him and the noises from the classrooms with the doors open. Dave turned left, to the quiet courtyard of the school. That's when he allowed himself to blink his eyes and let the tears fall. 

Meanwhile, Cassandra was almost finishing her assignment. Glancing at her seatmate’s paper and noticing that he didn't write anything besides the scribbles, she put down the pencil.

Dave, sitting his back against the big tree, touched his face, angry - “I shouldn’t be here. I’m not the kind of student who skips classes…” - he reluctantly wipes a tear - “I don’t want my classmates to find out that I was adopted. It would be extremely awkward.” - a pigeon lands on the grass, looking for something to eat. Dave observes the bird - “But I could write a memory without mentioning it. God, I’m making a scene...”

He closes his eyes, taking deep breaths to try to feel calm and ease the chest tightness. He has been feeling like this these days, but today is the worst. To the point of needing to skip the class...

Suddenly, Dave heard the door of the courtyard opening, and he immediately opened his eyes.

“...Cass? What are you doing here?”

“I ask the same question.” - said the young woman, slowly approaching Dave - “The teacher did let me check you. I knew something was going on.” - Cass kneels at his side, looking concerned - “What is worrying you?”

Four words were enough to make him weep louder. She gently touches his arm - “Look, you don’t have to tell me everything in detail.” - after biting the lower lip, cautious, she says - “But I take it you need to vent to someone right now.”

Dave didn’t answer right away. Then, he laughs nervously, using his arm to clean off the tears - “I should have known you would notice my trembling voice when I asked the teacher if I could go to the washroom. You know me too well, after all.” - he couldn’t resist but smile for a moment - “I’m... glad we’re classmates… hey, you can sit here” - Dave touches the grass - “It’ll hurt if you stay on your knees for too long”.

As Cassandra accomoded herself, he began to explain what was troubling him - “I barely slept last night, so… you can see that it hasn’t been a good day for me.”

“Nightmares?” - Cass whispers.

“Yes...”

When Reyes was seven years old, he witnessed his own mother being murdered in front of him. It was a heavy situation to endure as a child, losing his only progenitor in cold blood. Dave barely had memories of his father, who died in a civil construction accident when he was just a baby. But the mother… was the only family he knew. Because of it, Dave was inevitably taken to the orphanage. Years later, he ended up being adopted, together with other kids he grew up with, by a good family. Since then, Dave has been living in the Vermont Square neighborhood, in the southern part of Los Angeles.

“So that’s why you were drinking coffee when I arrived at school.”

He nods, taking a deep breath - “Exactly.”

They stay in silence for a moment, watching together the blue sky with the white clouds in the distance. Cassandra breaks the silence - “Now it makes sense why you are feeling like that. The nightmares last night, and now an assignment about childhood memories... it isn’t pleasant.”

“But it shouldn’t be an excuse to skip the class-”

“Dave, listen...” -  they look into each other's eyes, and Cass continues - “...don’t blame yourself. I’m sure the teacher is going to be understanding about your situation.”

He got up, apprehensive - “The teacher... she is going to speak to me when the class ends, isn’t she?”

“We both know the answer.” 

Reyes runs his hand through the brown hair - “Oh, of course. And then she will give me advice to speak with the school counselor. I... I understand they care for my well-being, but I just don't want to bother anyone with my problems. Last week, I spoke twice to the counselor. Twice!"

“You are going through a bad phase, but it’ll get better. There are ups and downs...” - Cass got up, walking towards Dave - “And if you need to vent, you can always count on me.” - she puts her arms around him, hugging tightly. He does the same.

“Only you to make me feel better.”

As they return to the building, Dave stops at the entrance - “Uhh.. it’s going to be awkward, entering in the middle of the classroom. What if the class is already presenting the assignments?” - Cassandra turns around, looking at him - “I know it would also be awkward if I only appeared when the bell rings, but you know… unfortunately it is inevitable.”

“You’re right, it’s awkward either way. But, I have an idea to make you feel better and look forward to the end of the classes…” - she winks - “Do you want to attend the theater group?”

Dave was now feeling a mix of anxiety and enthusiasm.

“The one you spoke about a lot of times?! And you are inviting me to see you all participate?”

“Yep.”

“Well, I appreciate the invite. For real. But I need to talk to my… parents to see if they allow me to come to school after dinner. Although I'm certain they will.” - he now takes a step forward, taking a deep breath - “Let’s get going. I don’t want you to miss your assignment because of me. Oh, and… one more thing: when you become a famous actress, don’t forget about our friendship.”

Cassandra felt her cheeks flushing - “What-what makes you think that I’ll become famous?” 

“You are talented. Who knows, maybe in the future you are going to act in a blockbuster movie!”

“Davey, me and other thousand girls in L.A have the same dream. Ok, I’m exaggerating in the numbers…” - she couldn’t stop blushing. One thing was her parents saying this, another was her best friend - “Ahem. It’s true that I’m one of the best students from the theater group, but let’s not have high expectations... but answering your question, of course I won’t forget you if that ever happens.” 

-----

The pink sunset sky announced that summer was coming. Dave Reyes wished the doorman good night as he entered the school precinct. There were no students in the courtyard - it had been two hours since the last class of the day was over. Dave, serene, took one last look at the sky before opening the main door. Her best friend's dinner and invitation made her feel better, even if not a hundred percent, but it was a good feeling.

Inside, on the second floor, Dave could hear a noise coming from the auditorium. As he approached, he put his hand on the doorknob …

… and saw a group of 5 young people on the stage, rehearsing their lines and laughing. Four were girls, in long dresses. The boy, who appeared to be a senior in high school, was coordinating the scenes.

“Rita, you have to speak in a more authoritative tone. That means no giggles- ”

"How do you want me not to laugh around them?" - the girl with curly hair and black eyes pointed at her colleagues - "They are my besties!"

Dave focused his attention on Cassandra, who was behind the group watching the explanations closely. "Psss, hey, Cass." - he spoke softly, so as not to interrupt the conversation. Luckily she heard him, because then she walked gracefully towards her and jumped off the stage - "Dave! There you are.” - she approaches him, touching his shoulder caringly as he smiles - “How are you feeling?” 

“I’m feeling better thanks to your invite. I’m not overthinking at home.” - Dave looks around the auditorium, interested in knowing more about the play - “How's the rehearsing going?"

“Very well, actually! We are all feeling ambitious in doing our best. Of course, there is fun stuff happening in the middle, but we also need it from time to time to relax-”

“Leigh! Who is that guy?” - spoke the coordinator, staring at them -”Did your boyfriend come to watch?”

“He is not my boyfriend, Sammuel.” - Cassandra crosses her arms, feeling a bit annoyed - “Platonic friendship with boys exists, in case you didn’t know. And you are older than me, so you should know how to tell better jokes...”

“Calm down, I was only teasing you.” - he smiles - Your friend is more than welcome to watch the acting, as long as he does not reveal the dialogues and story to his classmates.”

“I won’t.” - says Dave, shyly.

“Good. Leigh, you can come back now to the stage as your friend sits in one of those chairs” - Sammuel points to the brown seats in front of him. 

It's interesting watching the behind the scenes. Dave opened the schoolbag on his lap and took out the water bottle. Rita, the girl who Dave heard laughing earlier, was arguing with Cassandra. Or well, the characters.

“...I’m going to win the contest, Julia.” - she looked down to Cassandra, snobby - “If you were truly smart, you wouldn’t waste your time with this. You are going to fail miserably and be humiliated in front of everyone.”

“I refuse to accept your wish.” - she looks determined to the enemy. There is a long pause between them. Dave waits, anxiously to know what will happen next. 

The snobby girl pulls out Julia’s necklace, in rage. The pearls fall down, breaking the silence of the tension. Cassandra looks around the auditorium, speechless, to make the scene more dramatic. Then, she fell on her knees, crying - “You are so evil! If you think this is going to stop me, you are… wrong.” - Cass pronounces the last word with poison. 

“It’s perfect!” - shouts Sammuel, doing a sign to stop the acting - “The two of you improved this scene splendidly! The viewers are going to love this, oh that’s for sure.” - he whispers to himself - “And I’ll get a good grade for coordinating this teather play.” 

Dave was preparing to get up when the older guy looked at him -”Hey you, what is your opinion?”

“I loved everything. I’m sure the theater play is going to be a success.” - he smiles as everyone is watching him mindfully - “I don’t know much about acting, but it seemed great from my point of view.”

“Hmm, good, good…” - Sammuel scratches his beard - “What is your name?”

“Dave Reyes.”

“Reyes, do you want to take part of our team? We are in need of a boy for our next theater play, and I think you are a nice option.”

[writing-with-dragons]

So, I wrote a thing?

I have not written anything in YEARS so this will probably be dreadful and have an unforgivable amount of grammar and style errors. Oh, well. 

So how do I explain this...? This is a kind-of Frozen inspired fix-it / re-imagining / alternative universe Reylo fanfiction?? I’m really just using the some of the SONGS from Frozen and not much of the story itself as inspiration. Frozen 2 and TROS are both available to watch at home now and I’ve been kind of bored during self-isolation and well, this is the result? 

In this AU, Ben and Rey are only 5 years apart. Their storylines and the major events in their lives are even more closely linked together than they are in the original story.  This is just the first part. I’m posting this now, as a sort of test I guess. If anyone actually likes it I might polish it up a bit and continue it? Here it is kiddos:

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The day Rey is born, on the other side of the galaxy and many planets away, 5 year-old Ben Solo feels a shift in the force. It was as though a wave was crashing over him. Overwhelming and drowning him in its intensity while also completely wrapping him in its welcoming warmth. Being only a child he is unable to put his feelings into words. He is both uncomfortable and fascinated by these new ripples in the usually still water-like presence of the force. His confusion leads to unprecedented tantrums and outbursts of the force from the usually sweet-tempered child, leaving his family concerned and starting to fear the worst. This disturbance in the force becomes the new normal for young Ben as he continues to grow, he subconsciously begins to accept and even expect this other presence in his mind. 

Every time he mentions or tries to explain this foreign feeling to any of his family he can sense the fear and even grief it brings, so he begins to keep both the presence and his own feelings to himself. As he grows Ben discovers that as it turns out, his abilities in the force are even more rare and unusual than he had originally thought. They frighten and confuse his teachers, they alienate his classmates. His mother skirts around the issue, finding increasingly subtle ways of advising him to conceal his abilities as much as possible. Being a very astute little boy, Ben quickly realizes that his abilities are very much tied to his emotions and so the solution becomes quite obvious. In order to conceal his abilities he must first keep a firm hold on his emotions. It was simple, really: conceal, don’t feel. Don’t let it show. Very quickly, the young Solo becomes quite skilled at pretending and hiding behind a mask of self-control. A skill he would later learn was more of a family trait.

At around the age of eight, Ben was playing outside by himself as his mother kept a loose watch over him. Normally, he would make his toy ships fly around the garden using the force. He would stage what he believed to be elaborate battles, using small rocks as asteroids and his mother’s rose bushes as canyons and mountains to maneuver through as his nursery droid kept a detailed score of battles won and lost. But not today, not with his mother around. The young Solo knew that his frequent use of the force was unsettling even to his parents. He didn’t want to give her a reason to leave, not when this was one of the few times she decided to work at home rather than at her senate office. So he pretended to make repairs on his ships, like he had seen his uncle Chewie do on his father’s old ship so many times before. He muttered to himself about compressors, leaks and motivators while his mother worked on the seemingly endless documents she always had to prioritize. 

Out of the corner of his eye, Ben saw his mother suddenly stiffen and turn completely towards him. The rare gesture caught Ben’s full attention as he pretended not to notice the sudden shift of atmosphere in the quiet garden. He kept up the air of nonchalance as he heard his mother approach him and tried not to flinch as he felt her hand stroke his hair. 

Slowly, he put down his toy x-wing as he turned to face his mother, trying to keep all apprehension from his face and maybe even smile at the touch. Turning to look at his mother, he could tell he was not the only one forcing nonchalance. His mother looked at him the way one looked at a wild animal they were being careful not to startle, fearing what might come from its agitation. 

Her hand moved down to his cheek and stroked it as her eyes searched his and her mouth parted slightly. She was weighing her words, he realized. She was being careful around him, trying not to spook him. They always seemed to be walking circles around him as of late, it no longer surprised him. Finally she spoke, her voice saccharine, completely unlike her normal tone. “Sweetheart…” she said softly. Trepidation hiding behind her smile. “Do you remember a long time ago, you said you felt a presence? In your mind?”

Ben nodded, keeping his face as still as possible.

His mother nodded along with him before pausing and stroking his cheek with her thumb once again.

“Do you… do you still feel that presence?”

Yes. Everyday. That presence felt like a part of him now. Sometimes he felt it more strongly than others, but it was always there in the back of his mind. Like an imprint on his very soul. He wanted to tell her; he wanted to be honest, to be able to share all of his secrets with his mother. His fears of this presence and even how sometimes, the presence comforted him and eased him into sleep at night. 

But he saw the fear in his mother’s eyes, felt it in her touch. He wanted her to tell him that whatever it was, they would figure it out together and that nothing would change. He wanted her to see his entire self and accept him, regardless.That wouldn’t happen, of course. His mother feared the presence more than he did, so did his father and his uncles. But they would never tell him that. And more importantly, they would never tell him why. 

So he lied.

Forcing a smile, he shook his head. 

“No. No, I don’t.”

The change was instantaneous. His mother’s shoulders relaxed and her smile seemed to finally reach her eyes as words left her lips in breathy sighs. “Good, that's good.” She said, leaving a kiss on his temple as she rose, turning her back to him and walking back towards her work. 

Ben kept his eyes on her back for as long as he could before being caught and turning back to his toys. He traced the design on the x-wing with his finger as he finally felt his own tension leaving his shoulders.

He had done the right thing, he thought to himself. The truth would have only upset his mother, it would have made her turn away from him. People always fear what they cannot understand, and she wouldn’t understand. She couldn’t understand. Neither could his father, or uncle Chewie. Least of all uncle Luke.

 No, he would keep the presence to himself for now. He scratched the paint on the miniature x-wing with his nail as he continued to ease his nerves. He had painted it to look just like his Uncle Luke’s old ship, or at least as close as he could make it. His uncle had long since turned in his flight helmet for jedi robes and all that remained of the young rebel pilot were the stories he would pry out of his father and a few blurry holos. 

It was then that a sudden realization struck the young Solo. Just because he couldn’t share his secret with his uncle, it didn’t mean the legendary jedi couldn’t help him understand the mysterious presence. 

The presence, he knew, was tied to the force. And so, in order to understand it, he had to first understand the force. He had always been fascinated by the myth of the jedi, the legend and the hope they embodied. And taking into account his heritage and family legacy, it wouldn’t come as a surprise to his parents if he suddenly showed an interest in learning more about the force and the jedi.  He decided then and there that he would become one of his uncle’s apprentices, he would learn the way of the jedi and on the way he would learn the truth of this other presence in his mind. 

*************************************************

Ben waited about a month after his encounter with his mother to mention his desire to learn the ways of the jedi to his parents. It was one of the very rare occasions in which his entire family was sitting down, sharing a meal together. His father and uncle Chewie had already had a few drinks, they were cracking jokes and challenging each other to not-so friendly games of Dejarik. His mother and uncle Luke, ever the more solemn members of the group, looked on with pleasant smiles on their faces as they quietly reminded the ex-smugglers just how badly their last Dejarik competition had turned out. 

This was good, they were all enjoying themselves. This was the right time, they were happy and relaxed, there was no way they would say no!

Ben reached out his small hand and grabbed a hold of his uncle Luke’s sleeve, both he and his mother, who sat close to him as usual, turned to face him with comforting smiles. Yes, this couldn’t go wrong!

“What is it, Ben?” uncle Luke asked. His face was open and welcoming and it filled Ben with confidence.

“Um, I was thinking…,” his excitement was growing, he could feel the smile on his cheeks as he spoke and he met his uncle’s eyes with his own.

“I want to train to be a jedi! Just like you, Uncle!”

Ben regretted his words only seconds after they left his lips. There was another shift in the force, but this time the source was not unknown. It was more than obvious as the glass in his mother’s hand shattered, and the banter coming from his father and uncle screeched to a halt. 

Ben let go of his uncle’s sleeve as though the fabric might burn him, clapped his hands together and placed them firmly on his lap. He stared at them as his mind raced, trying to figure out how to undo his mistake.

“I- I’m sorry… I didn’t mean. I just… I thought-”

Panic enveloped him, words stuck in his throat forming a lump that made it hard for him to breathe. 

“I’m sorry”, his face was hot and his vision was getting blurry… was he crying?

A heavy hand was placed firmly on his shoulder, he willed himself to look up to his uncle Luke, his expression once open was now serious and questioning.

“Ben, are you feeling the pull of the force?” his uncle’s voice betrayed no emotion.

He wanted to be honest, he wanted to tell him the truth. But he could feel it, he could see it; their fear, their rejection just lurking on the horizon ready to tear him down. Ben’s eyes darted across his uncle's face, looking for any clue as to what the right answer might be but the jedi offered him no life line. 

His mother’s voice broke through the thickening silence. “Is it…,” she swallowed heavily as she pushed the words out of her throat and Ben thought he saw her eyes watering. But no, it must have been a trick of the light. His mother was the mighty General Organa, she wouldn’t let her emotions overpower her. 

“Is it the presence? Are you feeling that presence again? In your head?”

All eyes were on him, he could feel himself shrinking under the weight of their stares.

Ben started to speak, “I -”

His words died on his tongue as his father shot out of his chair, the shriek of wood over tile stunning the boy into silence.

“Absolutely not.” Han spoke out harshly, he was looking directly at his uncle Luke. Ben had never seen his father turn so serious. Han’s hand was twitching over the spot where his blaster used to reside and immediately Ben felt as though he was no longer part of the conversation but rather, just a spectator. 

His mother’s hand was resting on her forehead now, shadowing the rest of her face. She looked so prematurely tired, as if she knew the conversation that followed would use whatever strength she had left. 

“Han... “ she started, already sounding out of breath. “Please.”

His father bristled, and turned his attention towards her as uncle Luke kept his eyes firmly on the ex-smuggler. Uncle Chewie stood slowly and silently behind his friend, placing a paw on his shoulder, clearly trying to act as a calming force during the increasingly tense situation. His father’s temper and volume of his voice only seemed to rise. “No. No, we talked about this Leia! We agreed! A long time ago, when he first started…” His eyes flickered quickly towards his son, never actually looking at him as he struggled to find the right words. 

“When he first started showing signs…” he said, his tone now more resentful than enraged. 

Showing signs. He spoke of his abilities as though they were a disease, something he should be cured of, expunged from his body like a plague. Ben knew his father was not intuned with the force like his mother and uncle Luke; he generally avoided talking about the subject all together. They bonded over different things, like flying and ships even games and stories. It had never occurred to him, until that moment, that his father might have actually hated his force abilities; that his father could actually hate a part of him. Ben felt completely stupefied by this realization, the conversation being carried out in front of him started going in and out of focus. 

Ben registered Luke’s voice in the distance, “Showing signs? Showing promise is more like it.”

Han’s lip twitched as he consciously tried to ignore him, refusing to acknowledge his words and keeping his stare directed at Leia. Han’s voice picked up once more, “We agreed we would try to give him as normal a life as possible. Away from all this... “ he waved his hands wildly in the direction of Luke, “mystical force mumbo jumbo!”

His mother’s head snapped up as her hand slammed down on the table. She rose from her chair, her voice now matching her husband’s.

“Well clearly, that HASN’T WORKED!” she screamed, while aimed a well-manicured finger towards Ben; pointing but not looking.

Han walked towards her, towering over her smaller stature, “You cannot be seriously considering this.”

“What other choice do we have, Han? He’s not…” her voice grew quieter for a moment. “He’s not like other children, Han. He needs guidance, a kind of guidance that neither one of us can give him.”

Ben watched as his father raked his fingers through his greying hair. Slowly, Han looked up to Luke, giving him an expectant stare. Luke simply raised an eyebrow in response. An exasperated sigh escaped his father as he scratched his stubbled chin. “Well?” he questioned. “Can you do it? Can you promise me Luke -”

The jedi master interrupted him, “I would not have made the offer all those years ago if I wasn’t sure.” Luke stood up slowly, “I can train him, put him on the right path.”

His uncle’s words started to sink in, all those years ago, he could have started his training years ago but his parents had forbidden it! He could have been closer to understanding the presence, he could have been feeling less alone, like less of an absolute freak all this time but his parents had kept him from others like him. And what’s worse, they had done it on purpose. Ben knew his uncle Luke had other students but he had always assumed they were much older, that he would have to wait a couple more years to even be considered a proper apprentice. But no, his uncle had offered to take him under his wing years ago! A cold resentment started to wash over him as he looked up to adults surrounding him. Ben had never felt smaller than he did at that moment with those four towering figures casting shadows over him, deciding his fate without giving him any say, as though he wasn’t even in the room. He felt angry and powerless, and in a moment of desperation he reached out to the mysterious presence, hoping to find some semblance of comfort.

He closed his eyes and the loud voices around him began to fade away. He knew they were still arguing with each other, he could hear their screaming but he was no longer listening to their words. He barely registered his uncle Luke smugly stating, “If anyone can help him, it’s me. And you know it.” Then, it all faded and he was sucked into what seemed to him like a whole other realm. He felt the presence all around him, it covered every part of him. For the first time in his young life, Ben Solo felt truly safe and comforted. For the first time, he did not feel alone.

 And then he heard it, a voice. Sweet and innocent, like a child’s. 

“Aah, aaah…” 

[jwisdomhheartmmoon]

Kaede X Reader Fanfic

Hello Amphy! 

I’m your secret Santa for @danganronpasecretsanta I’m so sorry for keeping you wait so long! It’s been the biggest impact on me about the tragedy indecent in my personal life last month. I’ve returned to college four weeks ago. I have also been much busy and struggle with my writer’s block. So, you want to X reader fanfic, I chose Kaede! 

I have been warning you about my issues of grammar, I haven’t had time to edit it because I don’t want to keep you wait like forever! I’m sorry for my bad grammar. 

Here is it, I hope you like it!: 

Beautiful classical music you’ve been so listening that always save you from everything’s problem, you’re so softy sign like “Hmmmm”. You watch on the screen touch have the song title relate to the classical song been play by talent pianist, Akamatsu Kaede. You may have been so fan of her, but strangely feel to know her inside once you follow the lyrics to find meaning. A young woman appears to be next to you, “Hello, do you really like the classical music?”

You’ve been so startled once she asks you like that and unsure to give your answer, “Ummm…yes?”.

“Oh, not many young people interested in the classical, they’re totally into rock and punk music”, she giggles.

You’ve been hearing her voice so familiar, but decided to deny, “It’s too loud for me, the classical music really so calm down that’s would make me forget my problem. It’s been probably because of Akamatsu Kaede.

You stare so curiously at her although you can’t see everything in her as she wears her red hat, adorable dark pink blouse possibly similar Kaede’s body size you assume. No way, she can’t be, right? She interrupts your thought when she asks you why Akamatsu-san’s song really help you at all. You explain that you feel so strangely know her well about the details of her personality, voices, and more although you’re trying to not sound to be a stalker. That’s right, you’re not do anything’s like stalkers collect personal pictures, follow a lot, and more, but you simply listen to her beautiful music, that’s all. Your eyes turn on her to see what’s her reaction, creepy? Or disgusted?  No, it’s not what you would image about her, but she simply smiles at you. She takes it out of her pocket, hands it to you that would make you're so confused. You look down at it when she points down……..it’s……not…expect…ever..in your life! It’s contest of writing the song for Akamatsu Kaede!

“I listen you explain what do you think about her, you’re lucky at the time. I hope you write the song as the way you express your feeling. Of course, no fanboy” a young woman smile at him and warns him.

You’re unsure and going to ask more question, but her fingers on your own lips, “I know there is a lot of questions, but I encourage you to make effects of express your feeling that’s the way of writing a song. You never know, who’s know?”.

A young woman declares her farewell, quickly leave your side while you’re still in frozen status. It just too fast happens to your unexpectedly, you just met a strange woman strongly resemble Akamatsu Kaede, and then, she handed a contest to you. To be honest, you never thought of writing a song before as you don’t have an interest even often listen to the music. However, it’ll not hurt to try it, right? You never know what’ll happen next.

You sit on the chair in the front of the desk in a silent moment, stares at the blank paper that you’re unsure how to start to write a song. That’s right, you never write a song before even don’t take the music class. It’s very frustrating you ever have; your forehead is going down on your own desk as you groan. You finally begin to brainstorm on what kind of song Akamatsu would like, it’s pretty obvious classic, but you want to do something different would impress her.

Simply beautiful melody? Nah. It would be better write the classical music Akamatsu-san’s favorite? No, it’s a bad idea, you’ll plagiarize on her own song. She’ll probably don’t want to do too loud music like rock and roll. Aw man, why it must to be so difficult to write the song? You don’t understand how a mysterious woman can see the potential inside you, but you think of some words a woman give her faith in you write the song.  Afraid of disappointing her if writing the song Akamatsu might don’t like it. Her word, “express” would give you an idea of the song, maybe you can write the song in your express feeling and thinking that Akamatsu would never think what the magic or important part inside her. Finally, your idea might able to be good impression enough, you grab your pencil so quickly, a point on the notebook, and write the sentence. Of course, it's not going to everything well at the first, but you doesn't’ give up; edits the songs, sing yourself while listening to Akamatsu’s many songs. You now finally done it! However….your deadline is today; you have one hour left! You rush to the famous company where Akamatsu worked! Luckily, you managed to hand your envelope inside a song to Akamatsu’s manager you happen to meet! How funny, you arrive at the perfect time!

It’s so really hard to wait in a month you have to hear out about the winner, but it’s really worth since Akamatsu is a very famous pianist. She might capture many men’s heart in her beautiful melody voice. Wondering what’s your dream will be like if you’ve finally met her in person. Joyful? Nervous? Screw up? NO! You don’t’ want to be like that, you better not speak of what do you think of her well that’s sound you’re a stalker at all!!!!!! You feel you must to be practice in the manner in the front of her until your cell phone ring so loudly that can shot your ears! You almost slipped out it, luckily catch it and quickly pick the call, “Hello?”

“Is this y/n, right?”

Don’t get too hopeful for yourself; taking your breathe, “Yes, it’s me. What is it?”

“Congratulation! You won the song contest for Akamatsu Kaede”, a cheerful voice gives you a jump a bit.

What? I won? That’s impossible……your head going to able so crazy!

“You’ll have to VIP ticket for Akamatsu Kaede’s concert that you can enter into backstage to meet Akamatsu Kaede!”, a voice so excited for you!

Will I meet her in person?......my dream…true- you realize what you don’t have, “Wait the minute, I don’t have the suit”.

“Oh, don’t worry, we have the prepare for you!” a voice speak sound they know what’s happen next once you’ll plan to go there. It’s so strange how do they know about you, but it’s not a big deal now.

They declare “Thank you” and farewell each other, hang up their phone. There is a silent moment, you seem to able be inside scream, but you finally did it!!!! It’s so crazy your dream come out, you really live in the fantasy!!!!!! Wondering what’s like meet Akamatsu Kaede, will it be like a magic? Or maybe she…..wait..No! It’ll be so bad if you become a prevent once you act a daydream. You pray it’be going to be well for Akamatsu Kaede’s concert with your song!

At evening time, there is the big building where many popular/famous musicians play there, it’s very difficult to enter into the concert since It’s been so expensive. However, you’re so lucky, you got VIP ticket and seat and so nice black suit they’ve been so prepared for you! Feeling so weird about your suit, but you feel special person at all. Remember it’s your special day tonight, you’ll see what kind of the music for Akamatsu Kaede will play your song!!!! A man looks a butler stand up and seem able to wait for you that would make you feel so nervous. Nah, it’s so impossible, you’ll just normally walk to enter into the big building. You’re going to enter…….a man finally voice, “Y/N? Do you have ID card?”

You’re so frozen as so unexpected he knows your name, take the ID card from your pocket and show it to him. “Oh, I’m right, you’re Y/N. Let me guide you to VIP seat that you can see Akamatsu Kaede.”

WHAT?!?! You can see her on the stage so close?!?!?!? Okay, Okay, it’s a really lucky day you ever have! You follow him in the hall while you observe around the inside building is really huge that would make you feel so nervous and there are many famous musicians too! Entering into concert room, a man finally points and pull the VIP chair for you. You’re walking so awkward toward the chair and take your seat. Sitting the seat feel so comfortable that would treat you like a special. Many people start to come inside, it’s really so crowd; you're so impressed how popular of Akamatsu Kaede since the classical music doesn’t really like much. It finally starts when the light off now. The spotlight appears on only beautiful black grand piano, but announcer walk to the spotlight and speak to welcome the audience, “Hello! Welcome to Akamatsu Kaede’s concert! I’ve seen you guys been work so hard to come see her here! I’m so happy you guys did it! So, Akamatsu-san will play the song written by the winner of the contest. Please come here, Akamatsu-san!”

Hearing your song going to able be play! You get increase nervous inside your feeling, obverse the biggest audiences you can’t tell what will be the result, and mutter yourself a lot they’ll like it or not. A person who sits next to you; tap on your shoulder, “Take a relax, just enjoy to watch and listen to her song now.”

Listening to their voice so calm, you agree with that person, take so deeply breathe, close your eyes to calm your mind, and open to see the world of music. Kaede come out from the backstage and reveal to be actually so beautiful purple with her side of swirls, wear the fancy purple mask that surely makes her so mysterious! She slowly turns her face to see the audience and her face show so much spark once she smiles that would make men have so beat their heart even you! How beautiful she been!!! Seeing her in person in your dream turns into reality!!! Kaede finally speaks, “Hello, I’m so glad you guys come, I’m ready to play the song someone wrote for me”. A pianist takes so politely sit down, crack her fingers for warm up, take her so deeply breathe, and starts to play the song…..

That would surely so strange atmosphere around the audience, but they feel they’re getting learn who’s Akamatsu Kaede is…the song….could…describe….her…personality….her….

Oh no, they might….not…like……it….because it’s sound so stalker! You're staring at a person who sits next to you, it's so hard telling how they show their feeling with their lack of facial expression. However, you’ve never seen……Kaede’s……..so…happy…..and….enjoyable….while playing your song! Wondering why she’s really happy. Kaede finally finishes it, the whole audiences stand up and loudly clap a lot you don’t expect to! Does that mean they like it? Kaede’s breathe so hard, have sweat a lot on her face, stand up and bow to them. You quickly stand up and clap once you realize you’re only don’t do it. Kaede’s still happy, her eyes turn…..to…target…at…you….and…wink at you!

Did she finally notice you that you’ve been always dreaming? No way! It must be your imagination at all although you strangely feel so blush.

During the party, you're supposed to go there, but the female who wears her glass and her fancy suit appear to able be stand next to the door that people would enter into the party, “Hello. Y/N, right? I’m the manager who takes care of Akamatsu Kaede. Akamatsu-san would like to see you in the private, I will guide you, okay?”

Oh great, another unexpected moment you’ve ever have again! “Come with me”, the female manager beckons to you, you have to follow her. During walking in the hall, you may be excited much, but you don’t know what you’ll talk with of Akamatsu-san; you must be impress her. Flirting with her could be a bad idea that could destroy your reputation. You start to keep mutter yourself which the best subject you can talk with of Akamatsu that female manager can hear you the behind. She so lightly chuckles that makes you feel a bit of embarrassed.  Arriving at of Akamatsu-san’s star door, you quickly clean yourself by fixing your hair and suits. Akamatsu-san’s manager knocks out the door and tells her that you’re here.

“Come here”, of Akamatsu Kaede’s voice would make your heart get beat so fast! The manager opens the door for you, you see Kaede’s hair the behind you while she stares at her mirror as brushes on her blonde hair. Once you enter into her room, Kaede put her brush down on her mirror dressing table. A mysterious girl us the rolling chair to turn to meet your eyes. You have to say it before it’ll be so rude if you keep silent longer; “Umm..Hello…”

“Hello, Y/N. I finally meet you, the winner. Good job on writing the song, it went to be so successful”, she speaks so politely.

“Thank you so much! I’m so glad too! I was so worried the audiences might hate it because it’s so weird that I wrote the song like I know you well although I haven’t met you yet! I’m sorry for being sound a stalker!” you quickly bow down to her in many times.

“Whoa, please calm down. I don’t think you are the stalker at all, but I wonder how do you feel you know me? I’m so curious”, she asks.

“Well, I just simply listen to your music and read the lyrics in finding what the song has meant the behind. Your song really voice on my mind; I’d strangely feel I know you well. It’s so weird, right?” you explain it that would remind you talked the same thing with a mysterious woman at the music store.

“No, it’s not. I’m so happy because many people look up at me as simply so beautiful woman and had music gift. I’d want to mask myself what they want to what kind of person I am. However, your song can help the audience learning a bit more about me not simply melody musician” Kadede show her joyful a lot that you’ve bee never seen before. However….she’s walks toward….you…. You’re unsure what should you do, but take your step backs until a stop at the door. A joyful woman get too close to you that make your heart go crazy! Her warm purple eyes straight to your eyes that give so warm atmosphere, but she starts….to….touch…on….your shoulder….and her other hand slowly touch up on your chest! It’s too fast happen! It’d better stop her, but you don’t know what to do!

“Y/N…….I knew it…..you’re the one……….help me….I’m so glad….I’ve…met you…at…the music store.” her voice’s softy you can hear that make you go crazy much!

Wait..the…minute…..

“You said the music store? You can’t be-“

“Right. That’s me who’s gave the contest paper to you.”, Kaede confirms her identity.

Oh, that makes the sense much, a mysterious woman’s body size is too perfect fit able to be Akamatsu Kaede. Why did she help you? Kaede’s finger is touch so twist on your heart, oh, you forget she’s too close to you. “I’m so glad you’re the winner, you have the potential a lot I can see. I’m so happy to hear what you told me about how did you see through me not simply beautiful celebrity musician” her soft voice turn into flirty that your body can’t move and don’t be ready for it-

“Just kidding.” Kaede’s hands off your body. Whoa. You’re so confused and shock much although you’re really so relieved at all.

“It’s too fast, right? I can see your facial expression like that, you’re really so cute at all. I would like to get know you better, we could become the first friend if you’d like to” Kaede offer her hand.

Is that so dreams? Are you dream once you’ve heard Kaede ask you for becoming her friend? You can’t believe it’s really happen…you’ve been listen to Kaede’s music in your whole life to escape your problem life. You now meet her in person like a dream come out true. Okay, calm down…..that can the first step of your life, right? “Sure…I’d like to…”, grab her hand so quickly….oops….it’s really so rude to do that to her.

Kaede’s lightly chuckle that you feel little blush now, but you’re happy now, right? “Let’s go to the party together!”, she's called so joyful and gently pull you to leave Kaede’s star room. At the front of the door where people goes to the party, you start to get nervous while Kaede’s holds on your arm. Her melody voice does help you calm down, “Please get relax, have fun. We’re a friend now, right?”

You’re nods at her, take so deeply breathe, and ready for yourself to enter in the party! Before entering the party, you never thought…..Kaed’s…..sexy…..voice…….appear, “Y/N, when we once make our progress well, I’ll give the reward you. Yes, I’m going to do what you want to do with me………………”

[reesebird]

New Post has been published on https://reesebird.com/2019/08/04/i-think-i-was-sexually-abused-by-my-sister-when-i-was-a-little/

I think I was sexually abused by my sister when I was a little

I was reading a post about sexual abuse and suddenly remembered something and discovered that I might be sexually abused by my own sister about 13 years ago, but I’m not sure if it counts as a sexual abuse.

I am the younger daughter (17yrs now)and my sister is about 4 years older than me, we grew up in a single-parent family because our dad is a jerk and he abandoned our family and took all the money before I was even born, I think it left my sister quite a scar. My mom never got married again after that so there’s always just the three of us, no male.

I think when I was about 3-6 years old, I don’t remember exactly, my sister would physically abuse me when we were home alone. My mom was a young single parent and working several jobs at the time trying to support the family, so she’s often not home. And we didn’t grow up in US so I guess it was not illegal to have little kids alone in the house? Anyways my sister would hit me with different stuffs, bite me, scratch me with her fingers, smash my head against the bed posts, etc. She would also sit on my neck and choke me, if I cry a bit louder she would cover both my nose and my mouth tightly and i would suffocate, she would let go before I pass out. I remember secretly placing a (nose)blood-stained napkin on my mom’s table, hoping she would find out about the beatings. But then when my mom came home and asked me about the blood I could only laugh and casually say my nose was bleeding suddenly because my sister was in the room too. My sister had warned me that if I ever tell mom about this she would beat me harder next time, I was so scared. I just wished my mom could find out herself, but every time she asked me about my bruises and scratch-wounds I could only say I got those by accidents myself. That period of time was a living hell, just too much for a little kid at that age to endure.

I’m leaving out a lot of other things and details here but I think eventually my mom found out, but I don’t remember what happened next, I don’t remember if my sister got punished or anything, which I found really strange since I have good memory(I even remember things when I was 1). I even had a good relationship with my sister after until these two years, we don’t talk anymore because of some other things, which is another story. The beatings had never really been an issue between us even tho deep down I knew I couldn’t forgive her for what she had done, but she was a kid too, I mean, it’s all in the past, right? Years ago I asked her once why would she do such hurtful things to me when we were little and she laughed and said “I don’t even know, I thought it was really fun torturing kids” And she said it like it was a joke, I think I even laughed with her, but inside I was weeping so hard I could cry.

But I just remembered something else she used to do, she would force me to take my pants and underwear off, she would use her phone to take pictures of my virgina, zoomed in so the picture would fill the whole screen. And she let me look at it and told me if I was being a bad kid she would show the pictures to her boy-classmates. I was so ashamed but I had to pretend that I didn’t care and promise I’ll be a “good child”, whatever that means. Because I could tell she enjoyed it, all the beatings, she enjoyed it. If I show fear or cry she would enjoy it even more so I had to pretend that I didn’t care. Oh my god, now thinking back, I was only a 4 or 5 years old child! How could I even manage to be so strong!?? How!

I will always remember the shame I felt, i could never forget how it hurts me. I never forgot that this happened but I also didn’t really think too much about it. I never thought of anything sexual about i either, I grew up with Eastern cultures and in my mind somehow child sexual abuse are usually performed by older male to younger female. I didn’t realize that what happened to me might be a sexual abuse until today. And when I realized it I was overpowered by shame once again and crying. I was disgusted by myself when I look into the mirror. I hate everyone but I hate myself more. I just had to share this out or else I will go crazy. But I don’t know how will I get over this now that I remembered what had happened.

Thank you if you read this far, I’m rlly sorry about all the grammar and the length of this post. I know everything I wrote was pretty unorganized but I can’t go back and fix it because I had a hard time even writing these down. I will update tho, I think. If anyone wants to read more.

————————————————————————

Fist update: I wanna thank you for all the encouraging words. Really, they were so kind. Thank you.

I remember my sister saying something like she was also physically abused by someone older, but idk about the details. Also before our dad went away he used to live with my mom and my sister and when he left my sister begged for him not to go but he still left so I guess she has been through a lot. Maybe that’s why she did those things to me, maybe she just wanted to revenge them on me, I don’t know. But I remember her face when she was doing all those things, how she enjoyed it and thought it was entertaining. These abuses were very different from the beatings I got from my mom when I did something wrong, cuz my sister was just torturing me and having fun with it. She was only a 7-10 year old kid, how could she be so cruel already? I could’ve understand about the beatings due to her own trauma but the sexual abuse part I couldn’t. She’s a girl and she has her own private parts, so curiosity is definitely out of the way. And she’s not a lesbian, I don’t think she would have sexual pleasure humiliating me like that. I figured she probably just wanted to torture me, and it was “fun”.

My sister and I had some good years(after the abuse), even though we never stopped fighting. But even i thought I was over the abuses when I really was not. I just never realized what it was and its effects on me. I think remembering this experience also helped me understood a lot of things, like why was I so scared and disgusted and ashamed if one of our family members caught me naked after a shower even if they were all female like me, or why am I always fully clothed even when it’s really hot inside the house. Why am I so twisted and dark, also why I just couldn’t feel too much love for my sister.

Of course I know none of this is my fault and I shouldn’t have brought the hatred upon myself, but I couldn’t help it, my own existence just disgusts me.

The truth is, my mom often tells me I should be better to my sister because she’s been through so much, especially the dad thing. My sister is extremely emotionally fragile and I’m pretty sure she has some serious mental illnesses, which is why we don’t talk anymore these two years because we would get into horrible arguments and (actual) fights where she would hit me. But she has a good excuse since, you know, she has mental illnesses, so we should all be good and kind to her and understand her. In my mother’s mind I have always been the normal, strong child where she doesn’t have to worry too much about. It was a relief for her. Everyone thinks I’m over the beatings and it’s something long lost in the past. I’m just the perfectly healthy kid who is growing up strong. How can I be so cruel to tell her “No, mom. I’m not mentally healthy and I’m suffering because my sister sexually abused me and therefore you should also get me a phycologist just like the one you got my sister and spend as much money on me too. “ I just can’t say that. And the reason why my mom never get married was because she feared for the possibility that her boyfriend or husband would sexually abuse us, how ironic and sad. I feel like our family relationships are really complicated, we’ve been through very hard years together struggling just to survive, i don’t think I can bother her with “little things” like this which happened more than ten years ago, they might think I’m just being too dramatic. Well, asian families, we all have to stay very strong. But I’ll probably go seek help when I can afford it myself. Idek.

Sigh. Life is hard.