#Also I mentioned the magnus archives please dont talk to me about it I'm still on season one

[youknow-igetit]

welcome to... another tiktok au because that apps controls my life but what’s new

- Kevin's verified and posts his exy highlights and his workout routines. Most of his comments are of people asking him to step on them

- Matt and Dan have a joint account and most of it is povs of them being accepting parents/being Very Attractive (think of the lesbian mob moms, the deity parents, and the cowboy dads). Most of their followers are queer teens

- Allison is one of the more chaotic posters, half of her posts are crazy storytimes and the other half is a mix of thirst traps and answering questions about her clothing company

- Renee posts mini tutorial videos about how to properly handle a knife, block and attack, etc. It's linked to her YouTube account, which is more in depth. she also has videos where she bakes bread and cookies like the cottagecore lesbian she is. Most of her comments are similar to Kevin's (especially in the breadmaking videos because... hh pretty woman strong arms)

- Neil is famous on plant tiktok, for many reasons, but mostly because he's attractive, he's queer, and he's funny (for a while his most liked tiktok was of him standing in his kitchen, holding one of those mini microphones and saying “my therapist said it would be good for me to get a pet but i’m not ready for that kind of commitment despite the fact that i’m married. so” *hauls in a very large ficus* “this is linda”)(it became his second liked tiktok after someone commented asking him if he would wear a maid outfit and cat ears and he was bored so he was like "fuck it: sure.")

- Nicky is living his best life. Most of his comments are people saying "it's hard to see someone else living your dreams" because all he does is post about his weird pets and his hot husband (he has 32 pets. Of those pets there are two dogs, three foxes, a sugar glider, and multiple snakes). Of the foxes, he has the most followers and got verified first

- Aaron's is strange in the sense that he answers a lot of questions on science and stuff, but he also posts thirst traps sometimes, which get millions of likes. He's verified and he has more followers than Kevin and Kevin's kinda bitter about it. (he’s like the sexy young adult version of hank green)

- Andrews is by far the most chaotic. He got a lot of followers initially because of the video he posted where he was trying to befriend the possums in his yard at 3 am when it’s raining by offering them cheerios and singing wap but replacing the word “pussy” with “possum” (most of his comment are " everyone: 'did you see that new dance?' my fyp:")

- despite their vastly different content, most people who follow Andrew also follow Aaron. one could be scrolling through their for you page and find a video of Aaron explaining cloning and then scroll down and find Andrew interviewing his cat about climate change

“what do you think about climate change”

*silence, because it is a cat*

“really? no comment?”

*a mrrp, a tiny meow mayhaps*

“are you trying to get me canceled or something? those are not the views i have been teaching you, young lady”

- Andrew: “i currently live in a long-distance relationship with my husband because of our jobs and contracts and such, and i miss him quite a lot, but i can’t see him, so i bought sixteen three-wick candles from bath and body works. they were having a sale.”

- andrew also has a lot of videos that look like they were taken at three am either in a forest or in a bathroom with the lights turned off

- andrew and neil still have their weird rivalry thing on twitter, so after they make a video together about neil finally moving in, all of the comments are like “i thought you guys hated each other???”, so they make a response video that’s just “oh no, i’m married to this asshole” and half of the comments are “!!!>??!” wheras the other half is like “i mcfuckin knew it”

- all of the foxes post at least one video when they’re all together for the winter holidays and all of the comments are like “the most daring collab ever” and they’re just like “nah bro, this is just christmas”

- there's multiple videos on multiple accounts of the foxes (minus aaron and nicky) all hiking in the middle of the woods, but for some reason it's at night and very very cursed (similar to Andrew's own content)

"how much do you bet me that I can't jump off this cliff" "fucking ZERO"

"theoretically, I could run off and live in the forest like a bog witch" "but you wouldn't have internet connection" "fuck. Nevermind"

neil jumps down from a tree out of nowhere and scares the shit out of everyone

“okay so we’re kinda lost but neil claims he can read the stars or some shit so”

“okay so we lost neil”

"I swear this is going to be a story from the magnus archive dude, like I'm pretty sure that one of us is going to be kidnapped by a supernatural being"

(they didn't end up being kidnapped. They'd been roaming the same three hundred yards of trees for two hours because they're idiots)

- most of allison, dan, matt, andrew, and neil’s followers don’t even know that they play exy (I didn't say Kevin because: duh). they post fun traveling videos for the olympics and the comments are like “lucky!!! i wish i could watch the olympics in person” and they’re like “no, i don’t think you understand, we’re playing in the olympics” and everyone’s like “w h a t”

- alternatively, followers are watching the olympics and finding the funky gay tiktok people on the exy court and are very very confused

(also i forgot to mention this earlier but all of them caption every single one of their videos) (also none of them can be found on straight tiktok)