#Also I have Jellie's story i just dont wanna write that out

[star-fandoms]

The demons took hold of me again

The "demons" being Sally Face... SIGH!! I was OBSESSED with this game in late middle school early high school, and now I'm back baby. Crazy what seeing fanart will do. ANYWAYS!! time to introduce my babeyyyyy

Here are "refs" cause i know these don't exactly count, but eh, i dont like drawing feet/shoes! ANYWAYS!! Slight Sal redesign, I'll probably end up putting him in whatever emo ass fit honestly. Anyways I love cute fashion sooooo obvs had to make my girl cute asf. It's kind of a gap moe moment with her cause my girl has seen the horrors(like literally ANY other of my ocs honestly)

QUICK NOTE ON SAL'S REDESIGN!! The original design is fine, I'm not "fixing" the design or anything, it was simply for fun, I wanted to see him in more emo fashion and thought it fit and looked good! The necklace he's wearing is actually a locket! I can see him having a little picture of all his friends close to his heart(SOBBING ONE SEC) I might also put Sal in gothic and scene outfits eventually as well, I actually thought about giving him scene coontails on the two little front sections!

TRANSCRIPT

Not a super organized outfit, but they don't care, they like their outfit

Emo ass outfits

Prob graphic design tee, I just didn't want to draw it.

Literally will never grow again, wears platforms tho(Note: With platforms on, she's 5'3)

More organized fashion, honestly wears a lot of different styles(Note: usually seen in cute, comfy clothes, but also can wear emo outfits, clowncore, really anything honestly, she likes a lot of different styles!)

Her name is Jellie, not really, but she doesn't really remember her name. The gang picked it out for her(in which they simply asked her what she likes and she said "jellyfish" and they went "okay, Jellie for short" and she's sported the name since) She doesn't live in Addison apartments, but she lives close by enough to walk and occasionally would sleep in Larry's treehouse when she got kicked out(which eventually they offer her a place to stay when that happens)

She's known of Sal since the first day of school for him after moving, and the rest of the cast(Larry, Todd, Ashley, and Travis(and some other Sally Face oc's of mine that are still in the works)) for even longer, however she never had the courage to really talk to them. She doesn't know how to make friends or talk to people and instantly assumes that she'll just be a burden and annoy them and that they'll all hate her. She's also a stickler for rules and is horrified of being late or doing anything to get in trouble, she states that "she'll never get to college and that the teachers will tell her to kill herself" if she's late for even a minute. She's usually pretty stoic or straight up freaking out and muttering self deprecating thoughts.

TW: SELF HARM SCARS!! (not realistic)GORE!!

HERES SOME EXTRA INFO ABOUT JELLIE!!(based off of the doodles)

She cuts, a LOT!! She literally hates herself so much and does a lot of harmful things to her body. She just goes in when she cuts, she doesn't think about placement or how deep she goes, as long as she bleeds and feels pain(please don't cut and get help in you can if you struggle with suicidal thoughts)

She really REALLY like horror and doesn't react much when she watches scary stuff. Not that it existed at the time, but she could handle those 50/50 challenges EASILY!! Girl watches a lot of true crime and goes digging for shit, she straight up just looks up images of dead people(she realizes how fucked up this is in the future)

Literally awful at smiling, you can TELL she has not smiled in a bit. She could be genuinely happy and still would not be able to smile normally. It also hurts her because she doesn't use her face muscles often(hardly spoke for years, only eats dinner, doesn't smile) It is something that gets better in the future, but the cries whenever she laughs!

The way she stares at people creeps them out, she's often bullied for it(amongst a shit ton of other things) She does NOT realize she does this or that it's creepy, she continues to do this even in the future LOL!! Also she's not mad, this is just how she stares at people

If she gets forced to live another life, she wants to be reborn as a Jellyfish. She really, REALLY loves the ocean and aquatic animals!

She has hallucinations and visions(like how Sal has visions) however, she cannot tell the difference between the two. It's easy to tell from an outside perspective when she has visions though because she gets nosebleeds every time and occasionally passes out(the passing out gets worse the older she gets and the more frequent the visions become) She refuses to tell her friends though because she's so happy she finally has friends and is worried that they will be weirded out by them

Finally! Just some art i did of 16 year old Sal and Jellie, it took forever and my hand and wrist are sore(i've just been drawing and writing nonstop for the past week anyways so oh well LOL, the carpal tunnel bouta go CRAZY! Cant wait to get another ganglion cyst) but it was worth it, they are worth it. Anyways! The scenario was that Jellie was hiding from her bullies(idk some random ass background ocs i made for SF) however Sal wasn't expecting Jellie to hide behind him, much less wrap her arms around him. Erm ^^ they cute or whatever

[xxthejayagendaxx]

Ozpin and myself were tagged by @lutece-mess and Booker to do this (Thank you so much I always wanna get tagged in things and never do ;w;) Here we GO Im so excited. ♥ For Myself (Jay) and ♦ For Ozpin

Long post under cut!

1. Introduce yourselves. Who are you? What do you like to do?

♥ My name is Jay Violet! I’m a hunter and a teacher at the Beacon Academy in Vale! I am a White Golden Retriever Faunus with ears and a tail. I like to Draw, read, write, and walk around campus. I love helping students and being someone they can turn to. 

♦ My name is Ozpin, and I am the Headmaster at Beacon Academy. I enjoy Hot chocolate and reading. 

2. How was your first meeting like?

♥ Our first meeting was actually very professional! 

♦ Yes, they had applied to teach at Beacon and, their credentials were far above sufficient, so I asked them to come interview with Glynda and I. 

♥ I was really nervous. I had heard to many incredible things about Beacon Academy. I did my training at Haven. 

♦ In the top tier of their class, if I remember correctly. Yet from the very beginning you had the upbeat and cheery demenour that does not usually come from someone so highly ranked in their year. 

♥ Stop, you don’t have to how off for me…

3. How did you get together? Who confessed first?

♥ Oh please don’t make me tell this story

♦ Oh I do love this story. 

♥ -sighs- …Fine. So I started working at Beacon, and like in the second semester of my first year I was in Ozpin’s office talking to him. I want to preface this and say he is almost ALWAYS sitting. He almost never stands up for some reason. So anyway, he offers me a hot beverage and I accept his kind offer. Then he stood up and…

♦ So I stand up to get them a drink, and suddenly, as my back is turned, I hear the sound of a hand slapping against my desk. I turn around to see Dear Jay clutching my desk and their chest. Confused and concerned, I approached them, asking if they were okay and-

♥ -covering my face- And I was so shocked my hand slipped off the desk and I fell onto the floor. I just, I didn;t realize the man was 6′6″ he’s TALL and I’m /really really/ weak for tall people. He helped me up and I started to stammer on about something as my cheeks flushed and this /bastard/ goes-

♦ How does Friday around 7pm sound? I can pick you up -smirking- 

♥ After tripping over MORE of my words I agreed and left. The date was wonderful, and about a week after that, we kind of made it official. But just between us… and I think Glynda knew. 

♦ Oh yes, she knew. I actually admitted to her first that I had feelings for you… I won;t lie the date was supposed to be for fun but… with one date you managed to consume my every waking thought right after… 

♥ Aw, babe!!!

4. What are your thoughts on PDA?

♥ Oh I am… I am very physically affection, even in public. The beginning of our relationship was very hard for me because we agreed to keep it from the students… but they know now, so I’m allowed to kiss him in public now! 

♦ I am not one for public displays of affection myself… but they enjoy them so very much. Now that the cat is out of the bag so to say, I do enjoy just keeping an arm around their waist if we are standing hear each other. The feeling of their presense against me is very comforting. 

♥ Yeah I know he’s not big on it so I’ve toned myself down /alot/ But I don;t mind because I know he loves me! He’s not trying to hide me, it’s just what he’s comfortable with!

5. How do you show your affection towards each other/what are your love languages?

♥ Gifts! Gifts gifts gifts! I love to make and buy and give gifts! 

♦ Oh yes, very much they do. I have so many lovely pieces of art framed around the house, and little things on shelves. 

♥ Everytime I see them I get very excited! I also enjoy just giving kisses and cuddling. 

♦ I myself am very much a words of affirmation person. I just very much enjoy telling them how much they mean to me, and how wonderful and radient they are and watching their eyes light up as their face turns red~ Giving ksises and cuddling is also very enjoyable for me. 

6. Who’s more introverted and who’s more extroverted?

♦ The answer might seem obvious, but we are actually both introverts, though I believe Jay is very close to being an Ambivert. They are much better with people and groups than myself, but after a long day I watch them faceplant into the couch and I can almost hear the scroll recharging noise eminating from their soul. 

♥ Oh yeah, Oz absolutely gets his energy when he has time to sit and think by himself or in VERY small groups. I like people and it’s not always so bad but boy howdy sometimes people exaust me!

7. Who’s the big spoon and who’s the little spoon?

♥ We actually like to swap!

♦ Though I find myself being the big spoon more often than not. 

♥ Hey, hey, to be fair, sometimes we just compromise in the middle and face each other. 

♦ That was is my favorite when your back is facing a wall… I get to hear your cute little tail smack against the wall in delight~ 

8. What do you like doing together the most?

♥ We really like reading together! Sometimes I just sit in his lap or lean agaisnt him on the couch and we read separtely, or we read to each other. 

♦ I really enjoy when they read to me. Their voice is so lovely, and if it was the only sound I could hear for the rest of my life… I would have no complaints.

9. Tell us a fun fact about the other!

♥ Hmmmm what’s a fun fact about Oz… He gives the best speeches! His ability with words is unparalleled in my opinion! 

♦ And Jay has the singing voice of an angel~

10. Tag other selfshippers and their f/os.

uuuuh I dont have many SS friend but uuuuuuh

@jelly-bracelets With Qrow! or Giovanni, you’re choice!

@frecklydork With Starscream! Or Gordy, dealers choice! 

@selfshippingalien with Link!

and anyone else who wants to! Feelf ree to tag me so I can see!!!

[comicteaparty]

April 1st-April 7th, 2020 Reader Favorites Archive

The archive for the Reader Favorites chat that occurred from April 1st, 2020 to April 7th, 2020.  The chat focused on the following question:

How do you feel about creators spoiling their own stories, and how does it effect how you read the comic?

Joichi [Hybrid Dolls]

As someone who's both reader & a creator, it can be really hard to restrain giving spoilers. But it could also be that they are excited to make this story and they wanna 'get to the spoilers' really soon. But if you are such creator, an idea is to find friends whom you can trust, don't mind giving critique/give spoilers to. As a reader it can be slight disappointment to learn about spoilers in a comic you were invested in and still reading. At this point, I might think, I'm going to get out of the conversation on the spoilers and wait until more content is made(edited)

DanitheCarutor

Being someone who was raised by a parent who wanted me to spoiler movies for them if I saw it first, I don't care about stories being spoiled for me. Experiencing the scene is usually very different than being told what it is, also once I get to that spoiled scene I've already forgotten about it thanks to my Quality short-term memory. Honestly, I would totally go all out spoiling my own comic, but I know most people hate that stuff so I don't out of respect. There have been a few times when I've talked about spoilery stuff not really knowing if it would be considered a spoiler, or because I'm talking about something else that is related and I have to spoil a bit for the topic.

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

Personally it depends on how plot heavy the spoiler is. If it's something like what food/clothing/interests the characters have, I don't mind so much. But if it's something like who is going to die, who falls in love with who....I think the experience would be slightly more diminished.

Like @Joichi [Hybrid Dolls] said, I usually share the spoilers only with close friends, particularly those who know how to give their input. It's important to get feedback, but choosing who you tell is very important.

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

I’m very protective of story details. I don’t want people to know any of what’s going to happen in my story. I like having secrets

I don’t really mind hearing spoilers myself much of the time because I mostly enjoy stories by looking at all the events in the story together. If I know all the events sooner that often lets me enjoy it sooner

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

I usually don't care that much about spoilers, unless it's about character death or something. Usually, I try to avoid them like the plague, just in case, but I don't really care that much.(edited)

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

Personally, on other people's comics, I usually only refer to what's in the comic proper. Not too fond of having to read supplemental material, like creator QA's.

I know they can be nice for some readers, but I genuinely don't like it when the knowledge established in a QA or so is assumed to be known in the comic proper without ever being mentioned there.

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I'm having difficulty articulating my reasons, but for me, the creator spoiling things is different from a reader spoiling the same things. And reader-supplied spoilers can also be VERY different based on context and tone. I hate it when people spoil things for others out of malice (like when people were buying ad spaces, just after that one Harry Potter book came out, to broadcast [THIS IMPORTANT CHARACTER] DIES!!!!), even if I don't care about the work being spoiled.

Going back to creator-supplied spoilers........ it's something I can't relate to, as a creator myself? (Sharing spoilers in private is one thing, but if they're posting it in public...) This is going to sound negative and I apologize in advance. When I see a creator laying out the big spoilers in public, it makes me worry that maybe they prefer to talk instead of actually making the comic -- that maybe they won't make it to the ending. I'm happy to be proven wrong, of course. And there is no shame in dropping a comic before you get to the end (I've done that myself!). But yeah, public spoilers is one of those things that makes me worry.(edited)

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

^My thoughts exactly. It worries me in exactly the same way.

Deo101 [Millennium]

when it comes to reading spoilers, Ive never really minded. Granted, I'd rather have spoilers more towards "what to expect" because I otherwise will get a lot of anxiety. A bit of the way in, I want to know if something is going to be worth my time to get invested into, or if I should ignore the stress and just be along for the ride. Being told things like "this is a tragedy and you shouldnt expect to have a happy ending" and "everything will work out in the end" really calms me down when I'm reading. Getting small spoilers about character things, inconsequential plot stuff, etc. don't really bother me at all, but yeah I'm with keiiii where if someone is sharing the ending of their story halfway through I worry theyre not interested in actually working to get there.

I'll personally share in small private settings whatever people want to know, but I refuse to in a public setting share what I'd consider to be a big spoiler. I'll share small character things or vague plans and some worldbuilding stuff, but I don't see those as spoilers really.

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

The "what to expect" thing is a really great topic though. I would love to discuss it in depth in shop talk when the caffeine kicks in

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

Ooh me too. I drop some future story features in my About page - very broadly. But it's more of a pitch than an outright spoiler. It requires some vagueness to be effective.

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

@Deo101 [Millennium] Setting expectations correctly is very different from spoilers, I think, and more in direction of "what genre does that story fall under". Like a romance means happy (for now) ending for the main couple - even if you might end up disagreeing if an ending is happy.

It ain't a spoiler that a space opera has some kind of space travel, that kind of thing.

For me spoilers tend to cover plot specifics, not genre and general tone. That's setting expectations.

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah, but a lot of people really don't like to say that their story is gonna be a tragedy because they dont want to spoil that people are gonna die or whatever

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

That's... bad marketing.

Deo101 [Millennium]

it happens constantly

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

I agree that a lot of times what creators share is basically bonus plot info, or extra details, or even warnings. I actually haven't really ever gotten a major spoiler from a creator.

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

Mind you, you can have people die without being a tradgedy, see the majority of epic fantasy.

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

(On a side note, I have spoiled 100% of the plot of my comic to very specific close people in my life, but I don't know if that counts.)

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I don't think there is a single person to whom I've spoiled 100% and I'm jelly of those of you who have Story Confidantes!

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

Honestly SOs and close siblings are a GODSEND

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I'm close with my bro, but he's not into the kind of stuff I write. (might be getting off topic?)

RebelVampire

Yeah I do want to remind again here this should be about experiences as a reader, not as a creator. And I know there can be a bit of bleed over, but there's a point where the focus changes too much.

RebelVampire

I think this depends on who it's being spoiled to. If creators want to spoil their stories to close personal friends in private convos, I think that's A-okay. Even as a writer I do that, because it's good to have people to bounce ideas off of. And I think for more creators it's the same. Also, sometimes you just want to have a fun chat to de-stress and it's easier with people who you can tell all your secrets too. If it's being spoiled to people who asked for spoilers, that's also another matter where I think it's mostly fine. In fact, depending on what's spoiled, it can really help drive engagement. For example, if a comic is "spoiling" lore that has a significant bearing on the plot without revealing the exact how of it all. However, then we come to the matter of major public spoilers, which there are tons and tons of creators who do this. On the one hand, that's the creator's right to do so, so a part of me feels like embracing the can't be helped mindset. But, if I'm being brutally honest, as a reader 90% of the time it just kills all engagement with the story for me. I mean, what's the point of reading the story if I can just find out everything in a fraction of the time? Plus, for me personally, I enjoy theorizing and trying to guess events, mysteries, etc. And if I'm being told the answers, that basically ruins like 80% of how I engage with content. I'm also confident I'm not the only reader who feels this way, so personally speaking I don't think it's a wise decision no matter how juicy or agonizing it is to hold in the spoiler.

Feather J. Fern

For me, spoilers don't mean much. I'm still going to read the comic regardless. Now I spoiling something is funnier, because it takes me forever to get to the section which I spoiled, so something I spoiled would take a year to get to, and then everyone forgot the spoiler anyways. XD

I have already spoiled endings to my friends about one of my comic projects, and three months in they are already like "I forgot about that." So maybe it's just my readers haha.

DanitheCarutor

@keii’ii (Heart of Keol) About the talking vs. finishing the comic thing. If I decided to spoil it would be because I was impatient to discuss. Like, right now I have the worst itch just to talk about the climax and ending to discuss all the little details, what I could do better next time, if I should put trigger warnings on specific chapters, and/or how my readers feel. Would it keep me from making it to the end? Nah, executing and seeing the results are not the same as describing them. The emotions a reader has can change vastly when they experience an event vs. read a description, it's not as fulfilling... or as painful. At least that is my perspective, neither I nor my readers would get the full experience from me describing a major event/ending. I don't know how it would be for other creators though. Lol

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Yeah, it's definitely a case by case thing.

DanitheCarutor

Pff yeah, I imagine some people are less anal about execution than I am.

eli [a winged tale]

Great discussions here! If I’m the reader, I’d prefer not to be spoiled and enjoy the story as is. It helps me as both a consumer and a creator to see how the plot twists are planted and revealed. As a beta reader, though, I would need to know the story to give suggestions on how to execute said spoilers but this is more of a creator-to-creator basis. I totally get the itch to share and I think having betareaders/comic confidantes are great for satisfying that need while getting constructive ways to evaluate them.

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

Agreed. I think having at least one person within your reader circle who is privy to deeper details can be very helpful, both for editing and for motivation Especially if there are story details that won't be shared for years. It's a good way to prevent 'leakage'

DanitheCarutor

I need to get myself a confidant, not only would it help the itch but talking about it would probably help me better fill in the small details. There was a rl friend I had who got too busy and lost interested, and someone online who I talked to about smaller stuff, but I don't like bothering people. Especially since my comic is sooo... my comic. Lmao!

Gosh, I would be the perfect person for someone to confide in about their comic, I would totally forget about the spoilers after waking up the next day.

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

Tbh I don't mind if a story is spoiled to me. I'm the type of person who is like "okay so that's how it ends? How does it get there?" and I would be more upset if the creator spills those important parts that reach the end result. Though, when explaining my comic plots and details to my irl friends and beta readers, it's more of a planning session than things said in stone. Basically if it's something that I've not written down and could be a spoiler, yet I talk about it and those spoiler squeals aren't in the final scripts though. If it's an important detail and is a spoiler, I will withhold that information till the time comes.

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I don't know what I'd think because I've never seen a webcomic I liked share spoilers before. I get the feeling that a "serious" writer would keep their twists private because they know they can show their plot better than they can tell it, if that makes sense. Even Sfeer Theory, a comic I really like that iirc did much of its brainstorming online, shut down their old worldbuilding posts once they got their actual comic started.

varethane

Personally, I'm not hugely opposed to spoilers, though it depends on the context. A lot of new webcomics when they're just started out will often only be able to market themselves with illustrations of scenes or dynamics that haven't quite happened yet, just by virtue of being so early on, and that's fine-- though increasingly less necessary the more Comic is released. The only kind of spoiler I might be actively mad about is if a comic whose appeal hingest largely on a central mystery or suspense spoiled The Answer, but I feel like most of the writers creating stories like that are conscious of this and keep that sort of thing under lock. There's also a big reason why I personally try not to share spoilers (and why I try not to put much stock by any spoilers I see posted by other webcomic creators, in case their process is like mine)-- which is that, basically anything that is more than a month ahead of the pages I've already drawn, is very likely to change substantially. I rewrite future plot points all the dang time. So if I shared something as a 'spoiler', there's only a 50/50 chance of that plot point actually coming to pass (unless it's one of the 4/5 big central plot linchpins); any readers waiting for it may come away disappointed, lol.

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

Def agree with Vare on this one. However, sometimes when a writer tells details to the point of no surprise in the comic whatsoever, that usually breaks immersion and interest for me. I've had a couple stories stagnate from having their plots revealed by the writer, and when the story hinges on that being a selling point, it tends to be very dissapointing to have done. Unless the story is character driven/ has characters charming enough to capture readers, i would def avoid spoiling the main plot points of the story if they can

eli [a winged tale]

I feel like anything in act 1 is technically not a spoiler since in books, the blurb encompasses act 1 even the beginning of act 2.

RebelVampire

Once again I'm popping in here to remind people this chat is primarily to talk about experiences as a reader, not as a creator. So let's not go too far into creator territory here.

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

It's hard to say how I'd feel because I don't really see writers post, like "X dies in the end" or whatever. Like it's not that common an occurrence, at least for comics I follow. What is common in my experience is creators posting ship art for characters that haven't shown up yet (thus spoiling that these are characters who will show up at some point, and at least have some interaction with each other). And with regards to that... I dunno. Like, my mentality as a reader/watcher of things is that a character doesn't "exist" until I see them in the story. Like, if I see a character in an anime OP, I'll be like "oh that character looks cool, I can't wait until I meet them". That is, I don't consider myself as having "met" them yet - I need the story as context. (for the record, that's true for me as a creator too - i know plenty of creators figure out their OCs' personality & backstory first before figuring out what sort of story they work in, and that's valid, but I can't imagine working like that) So anyway, to me creators posting OC art before they appear in the story is less "oh, i've been spoiled on what these OCs will do" and more "oh, i can't wait to read the story that these characters are involved in"

[dialovertoenglish]

myshatebat hat auf deinen Eintrag geantwortet “myshatebat hat auf deinen Eintrag geantwortet “Translation...”

Maybe so but Neko is still cat no matter who translates is all i'm saying. If ur gonna be mad at anyone be mad at rejet for not localising. Or if u want u could say ur all stealing from rejet for "copying and editting" their work with translations. Ur translations probly everywhere anyway just cos 1 person is easy to find u pick on them. I dont understand people like that. Why does it all have to be about self satisfaction when u didn't even make the game?

                       Why cant u just translate to improve ur japanese. And if someone takes notice then bonus. If someone is copying then it shows they appreciate ur work and are spreading it round to help others too. Taking credit is always bad no matter what the cause but making big hate posts drawing attention to someone is worse. Also theres a difference between story writing and translating cos ur stealing the idea from a story. Translating the idea is already there ur just editting it.                   

                       I'm not taking anyones side cos at the end of the day translations all say the same thing anyway was just my message. Yes its wrong to steal but it should just be about helping others understand.  I'll admit I speak to the person in question which is why i spoke up but I am not taking any sides and do hope things get figured out. I have suggested to her already to put ur names down if she does restart her blog. But it just annoys me that people are so hateful over a game                    

We’re talking about Japanese here, where there’s always a lot of interpretation going on. “Yui wa kowai desu ne?”, for example, could mean “Yui is scared, isn’t she?”, “Yui is scary, isn’t she?” or “You’re scared, Yui, aren’t you?”. Three kinda different things, huh?

Even if the words technically mean the same thing, let’s take the meme thingy that went around as an example; compare “Forgive me father, for I have sinned” with “Sorry daddy, I’ve been naughty”. The words technically have the same meaning, but they don’t quite say the same, do they?

No two translations are exactly alike, no more than two texts describing the same picture, or two pieces of fanart. To throw a random example out there: The Bible. I doubt any other book has so much discussion over which translation is correct; do you think that’d happen if they all said the same? Interpretation and writing style make a LOT of difference, together with the question whether it’s better to stick closer to the source, or translate more freely so it’d be more understandable or relatable to the target audience (The infamous “Jelly Donuts” from Pokémon, for example).

Sure, it’d be best if Rejet decided to localise. They don’t, though. But the thing is, nobody believes I created DL. They all know those things are Rejet’s, that I’m just translating. And, since Rejet probably cares more about money than credit, I’m not hurting their finances with this, either.

Because there’s other, easier, and more fun things to do for improving my Japanese. I could, y’know, just play the games. And even if I did translate them as practice, why would I post them? That’s just extra work, with the formatting etc.

And no. If they’re reblogging my stuff, or reposting with credit, they’re showing appreciation. Especially, as some do, if they reblog with a nice comment or thought in the tags. I love that. I love likes, reblogs, comments, all that; THAT shows appreciation. Copying it, saying “Hey, look, I translated this!”? That doesn’t. If they wanted to spread it around, there’s a reblog button. Right. There.

As I said, I do both. They’re different, but that doesn’t change how much work translating is. And how much difference a translation can make. You keep saying “they all say the same thing”, but... They don’t. They really don’t. First, as I said, interpretation. I remember in the Prologue, there was a sentence from Laito which was something along the lines of “Oh, she’s desert, then”. But it could also be translated as “Oh, she’s the fapping material, then”. No difference? Laito being Laito, he obviously meant the dual meaning; desert still has that. But it wouldn’t be too much of a stretch for Laito to outright call someone fapping material, either.

It wasn’t a hate post. It was a heads up, informing people that, y’know, that person stole hours of work from others and pretended it was her own. If someone stole your bicycle, would you go “Oh well, that’s sad, but having them arrested would be worse”? They made a conscious decision to steal someone else’s work, and refused to give credit when they were asked to.

If I find someone posting my translations, I’d just ask them for credit. But what am I supposed to do if they refuse? I don’t wanna just “accept” that others might claim credit for my work. So, I’ll tell other people that those translations were originally my work. I don’t want people to get hate, but I DO want people to know that I’m the one who did the work. If I caught people sending threats to others over my translations, I’d block them. But a call-out for something that was NOT ages ago? After being notified of that thing, but refusing to do anything? That’s something very different.

[solarcal]

i was originally gonna post both my main characters at the same time but the second one is taking a while to write out and its getting rlly long so here just the first one :D @wolfstar-flatsky​

my boy Silas :DDD Silas is the first character i made and the one i literally built my other characters, story, and world around lmao

so tell me your thoughts on Silas :3 i wanna make sure it all makes sense ya know?

Name: Silas (pronounced Sil-us) last names dont rlly exist but sometimes families will chose a bird as the family symbol, Silas’s family is a raven

Pronouns: Xe/Xem/Xir

Age: early 20s? like 20-23 ish?

Height: on the taller side, close to max height, xe took a couple of resize potions and got lucky

Weight: uh doesnt rlly exist lol

Birth date: born during bloom so xirs family said xe was “born with the flowers”

Eye color: green, they were a bright vibrant green but have since dulled to a flat dark green (xe rarely takes off xirs mask so you’ll never see it)

Scars/Handicaps: Physical-has a burn scar on xirs left hand, its on the back of the hand near the wrist and spreads down xirs arm; xe has a couple of other minor scars, one small curved one on xirs back, left side by xirs hip/side, another on xirs right thigh Mental-kinda watched xir family die in front of xem and blames xemself for that because xe believes xir could have done more to stop it and if xe only didnt listen the other researcher(havent named them yet but they’re the evil guy with the corrupted manta), bc of this xe also refuses to use mantas or go too close to them Emotional-bc of the whole, ya know, family dying thing, xe is scared to get close to people out of fear that theyll get hurt too but xe cant forget what xirs “mom” taught xem so xe still helps moths and people in need but keeps them at an arms distance and doesnt let them stay

Outfit: mainly wears spirit cosmetics to make travel easier; tinkering chimesmith hair, anubis mask, usually wears the troupe greeters rhythm pants with the phoenix cape but xirs other usual ones are fire prophet samurai pants and jelly whisperers cargo pants along with air prophet cape, peeping postman cape, dancing performer cape and sneezing geographer cape, depends on how xe feels and the situation, xe also always wears a copper leaf pendant on a necklace cause xirs younger sibling before she died and a satchel to carry xirs stuff in

This is Silas’s usual outfit, made with @sykloni​ really lovely sky picrew :3

Family: (none of them have names yet shush) “mama”-non binary they/them, mom-she/her, older brother-he/ze, younger sister-she/fae

Enemies: the researcher in Gaia; as well as Sah(male valley elder) for reasons neither of them like to discuss or think about

Greatest Fear: losing people like xe lost xirs family, scared of getting betrayed again or watching people die

Strongest character traits: deeply loyal, once xe makes a promise, xe would rather die than break it, quite literally ride or die with xem; xe also believes in being as kind as possible, xe refuses to be taken advantage of but xe will help those who need it and avoids being mean or rude for no reason

Weakest character traits: refuses to let people get close and is automatically distrustful of vets, absolutely refuses to travel with them unless absolutely necessary

Sense of humor: doesnt have one any more, when xe was younger xirs younger sister used to make terrible puns that xe’d laugh at and xirs mama would make terrible dad jokes, as he gets better xe starts to laugh again, at the little things Avim does and says

Philosophy of life (Include how it came to be): xirs mama taught him that xe must always help those in trouble and to be kind to moth and butterflies, they were so young and didnt know as much as xem

Favorite colors: red but it hurts to see it so when people ask xe lies and says green

Pastimes: just wandering the land, xe’s got no real goal, xe is just drawing maps to fill the time and visiting pretty areas, it never makes xem feel anything though so xe doesnt stay long

Tattoos: circling the side of xirs right rib cage of a crown of poppies and roses surrounding a raven, around xirs left ankle is an anklet of leaves with butterflies flying nearby or landed on the leaves

Important Possessions: just the copper leaf necklace because its one of the few things xe has left from xirs family that doesnt hurt as much to see plus xirs younger sister gave it to xem to remind xem they are the wind and the sun and Megabird will return them to xem one day no matter what happens and that in this life and the following ones, xirs family will always love xem

Masks?: xe pretends to not be affected by things when it really hurts or to not want/crave things when xe does, xe has a bad habit of denying xemself things out of fear or self hate, commonly sabotaging the happiness xe can achieve

Affection?: its hard for xem to do that anymore, very awkward but like, letting people get physically close and hug xem, hold xirs hand, letting someone sleep near xem is a hugeeeee thing due xirs nightmares and the trust that comes with sleeping by someone

How do they want to be seen by others?: if xe was given the chance, xe would hide away and never see anyone ever again, xe just wants to wait til the end and return to xirs family but xe would lose xirs mind waiting around like that so xe takes to wandering

How do they see themselves?: deeply broken and incapable of being helped, xe sees xemself as like a tree branch on the forest ground, picked up by those one hikes, useful for a short time but not the best, abandoned when finished or a better one comes along, separated from its tree and useless, helpless on the floor

How are they actually seen by others?: vet sky kids find xem odd/intimidating but they leave xem be, moths and butterflies occasionally finds xem scary but quickly get over it when they see the Anubis mask, equating that to Prophecy guide and feeling safe

Quick judgments or careful deliberation?: depends, often they take time to consider but sometimes its spur of the moment things that he does and later goes oh god now i got this moth with me welp

Reaction to praise?: at the being xe just brushes it off and doesnt believe Avim, none of xirs previous moths stuck around this long so when they said thanks xe was kinda like yeah sure and moves on, not rlly thinking about it, assuming its the same reflex as saying goodbye to someone, but later when xe and Avim get closer and he praises Silias, oh boy this poor guy has no idea how to respond, at first he denies it or ignores it but when Avim continues to praise xem or insists on the compliment when Silias denies it, xe will eventually begrudgingly accept it and later turn the compliment over in xirs head, trying to find a reason Avim would say that or looking for a hidden insult, as Silias grows to trust Avim more, xe starts to believe him

Reaction to criticism?: oh u poor sweet summer child, Silias will absolutely internalize that, xe wils either do xirs best to fix or if xe cant/wont xe will feel terribly guilty and hate xemself for it

Biggest secrets?: the corrupted manta and the death of xirs family

Last time they cried?: when xirs family died, xe cried for days before growing numb and apathetic to keep xemself safe

What will they stand up for?: pretty much anything, xe has the view of being okay with hated/getting hurt so if xe sees anything bad u fucking bet xe is intervening

What was your character like as a baby? As a child?: xe very a pretty average moth, got adopted quick by xirs family and was generally just very happy and into facts and experiments which is why xe went into research

What smells remind them of their childhood?: bro bro,,, xe cant visit sanct anymore, both for manta reasons and the smell of the flowers and the ocean and such there reminds xem too much of xirs family

How do they respond to a threat?: depends on the situation, if theres someone xe’s protected, xe will place xemself between the person and the threat or tell the person to get somewhere safe, if xe is alone, probably get ready for a fight/argument

Are they most likely to fight with their fists or their tongue?: again, depends, if xe can de-escalate it or talk it out, xe’ll do that but xe is also ready to fight

How do they perceive strangers?: xe tends to ignore them, unless they need help or something, xe just wants to quietly pass through

What is their favorite animal?: it was mantas but now its birds

Which animal do they dislike the most?: was crabs now mantas

Favorite food: cookies! warm freshly baked cookies is one of the few things that can make xem show emotion in the beginning

and thats basically everything! dear god this is long oh boy, i should finish with my second main character Avim soon so ye :D

[mysideblogofsurveys]

Survey 17

At your part of the world, is it summer now? Yes it is

What’s the warmest it can get over there? How about the coldest? It can get pretty hot, like over 100 degrees.  Coldest is about mid-40s in the Winter.

Is there a bad habit you’re trying to break right now? Yes, I’m trying to not waste time on social media.  I want to dedicate my time to actual hobbies.

Is it easy to find a job in your preferred field in your home town?           Its actually pretty easy to find my preferred field in most places (financial field is everywhere) but I don’t particularly like it.

When is the last time you went to a fun fair? We went to a fair in January this year, it was a lot of fun.

How about an amusement park? Its been a very long time, I honestly don’t even know when that was       

Did you/will you take part in your city’s Pride parade this year? No

If not, why not? Its not for me. It doesn’t bother me if other people do though!

Would you ever consider proposing? If not, why not? I don’t believe that it should be the woman’s job to propose - again, its not my place to say what other people do.  An old friend of mine proposed to her husband but I would never do it.

How would you feel, if you were proposed to? I was elated and excited and just so in love :) We got engaged 2 years ago and married 5 months ago

Have you ever played the original Mass Effect trilogy? Only the first game.  I’d love to replay it though!

If so, which Shepard and who do you like romancing the best? Can’t comment :/ I never made it too far into the game.

Let’s say there’s a person in need. They need money which they can’t make. Would you be more likely to help them out, if a celebrity asked you to? It really depends on the situation.  I’m really hesitant to give people money unless they’re legitimate (then I will)

When you go to a restaurant, do you have a go-to dish? Most of the time, yes

Would you rather live next to a kindergarten or an old folks’ home? I honestly wouldn’t mind either.

What was the last game that you played? My husband and I were played Stardew Valley last night! I’m supposed to get my copy of Story of Seasons: Friends of Mineral Town today and I can’t wait to play it!  I loved the original one (on Gameboy Advance)

Where was the postcard from that travelled the longest way to you? I never really bought postcards but the furthest I’ve traveled is either Ireland, Germany or Czech Republic

Have you ever made jewelry? I think I did when I was younger but dont have an interest in that now

Have you ever upcycled anything? If so, what? I’m sure I have, but not sure what it was.  I have a ton of mason jars (just ones I’ve kept from Peanut Butter or Jellys so I wanna do something with those).

Which app do you use the most on your phone? Ha, probably Tumblr >< I’m debating on deleting it though because I hate being so attached to my phone.  I tell myself that if I want to scroll through social media, I can do it on my computer instead (then I’d have to sign in and all that stuff)

Did you learn to play an instrument as a kid? If so, which one? I did, I played Alto Saxophone 5th - 12th grade

What is the best part of your most ordinary day? Getting up and having coffee.  I always want to get up, have coffee and dedicate my mornings to something creative - like writing or learning a language.  I’ve been on and off with both German and Japanese for years but can never decide which one I want to fully dedicate myself to lol. I also have wanted to write a Harvest Moon fanfiction story so I want to explore that, too)

If you learned that you suddenly needed an aid of some sort to do something that you normally don’t need (glasses, hearing aid, etc.) Would you comply or would you put it off until there was no choice anymore? Ah, well if its something urgent like that, I’d probably do it right away. Otherwise, I’m kind of lazy before I get to something.

Do you enjoy being on your own? Yes I do, too much in fact.  I always tell myself I want friends but when it comes down to it and I actually have someone to talk to, I always chicken out (and use an excuse like I have nothing in common with the other person).  Regardless if we have anything in common, I need to start talking to people and just reach out.

Or are you happier when there’s a crowd around you? It depends.  Not too many people

Have you ever been to a zoo? If so, which one(s)? I”ve been to a ton of zoos.  The ones in my hometown (in the midwest), Seattle’s zoo and the zoo in the city I hope to move back to one day (on the other side of my state).  We were going to go to Germany in Sept (but obviously, thats cancelled now) but we had plans to go to the Berlin Zoo.

How about petting zoos? I’ve been to quite a few of those, too.

Have you thrown you “winter coat” off yet? I haven’t used a winter coat since I visited my hometown in Feb.

Do you ever look up what foreign idioms mean? OH all the time.  I love learning bits and pieces of different languages

What’s the strangest saying you’ve come across? I’m sure theres a few but I can’t think of any right now.

What’s a First World problem that you have? Having access to fresh water that we definitely take for granted (there have been a few times that our water was shut off due to maintenance and wow, I can’t imagine NOT having fresh water right out of the faucet immediately when I want it.  OR plumbing.

Do you use food products that are advertised as more healthy? Probably.  We try to read the labels on all food products but theres no guarantee that those are truthful, either.  We also try to shop on the outside of the aisles (as thats more meat, produce instead of packaged items)

Does it matter to you if the produce you use is organic? Yes, because I don’t want food that is tampered with.  I just want the natural version, even if its smaller.  I don’t want chemically enhanced, color enhanced, etc, anything.  One thing that really pisses me off is seedless fruits - WHY are they seedles?? If these farms/companies are tampering with the fruit to make them seedless, that means I’m dependent on THEM to produce it.  They take away my ability to use those seeds to grow my own - if that makes sense (obviously I’m sure I could buy seeds separately but the fruits are supposed to produce the seeds naturally and they’re removing that important ability).  I just don’t trust it.

If so, why? I explained above..kind of went on a rant there lol

What has been the worst sort of physical pain that you have felt? Probably cramps.  As I get older, they’re getting worse :/

Are your pains generally more acute or chronic? Acute I suppose

Do you collect anything? Video games, anime merch..I’m all about that stuff lol

If you could be doing absolutely anything right now, what would it be? Not having to go to work :/ I gotta get ready to go soon

Do you read any web comics? Not really, I read a lot of fanfiction though. It makes me want to write my own.

Which social media platform do you use the most, if any? Ugh, Tumblr.  Or Twitter but Twitter is pissing me off lately.  Too many idiots on it and its too political.

Have you ever made a parody version of a popular song? Nothing I’ve uploaded, just singing along and changing the words.  My husband and I both do it

Which game did you play the most as a kid during recess? Probably tag?

[achanceforus-x-blog]

My story so far

I am writing this to hopefully raise awareness and shed some light on situations people ignore or dismiss. I want to help people no matter what their going through with my words , my wisdom and inspire and give my strength to anyone who feels they have none left. My story so far .. A few major things had happened in the years before hand (Ill save these stories for another time) causing my mental health to deteriorate (such a big problem in our generation, thats just kept so secretive) Feeling lost and deflated keeping quiet about all my problems , our problems keeping shit to myself. Feeling to breathless and anxious to even leave the house for work. Falling out with friends because I was weak they thought I was stupid for all Ive put up with, a toxic relationship. Me and my long term partner would just argue and fuss and fight for hours to the point of ultimate distress on both halves. Neither of us really knew what we wanted when you've been romantic with one person for so long it can get really crazy I believe noones a bad person though I believe people only do bad things and thats the stage we were at doing bad things. The physical altercations got to much for us both it seemed as though we were killing each other slowly. Who bruises someone they love? Who try's to hurt them with wicked words? Im so done been a wicked person but we both had a bad mental state and combined it was not pretty. I lived with him and his family in not the most comfortable environment this could also spark our disagreements. Working full time jobs, missing each other , no trust in each other , assumptions , we even thought it was acceptable to lay our hands on one another at some points which is never ok on either part male or female. So with all this been said what the hell was a girl to do I felt I couldn't go home to my mother as it had been to long I was kind of brainwashed id fantasise about the days I didn't have to stay at my partners family's house anymore. One day I just became exhausted the fighting became to much and I finally stopped provoking and reacting then we remembered we can talk to each other. So after about a week of exhaustion and finally getting along again I started not to feel myself even more we got drunk at a christmas party ( I had some time of work and got drunk every day since the 16th December until just after christmas to numb my issues ) but this time we both got drunk at the party and we started loving on each other again like we had before he made a silly comment about my belly and said I had a little him in there. Which we both just laughed off drunkly as I thought yeah impossible. This comment didnt leave my mind all night then when a still slightly drunk but a more sober me woke up that comment was the first thing on my mind. I asked him what the fuck he meant?! He said he was just drunk and playing with me. Then I started to think wait I havent been feeling right for awhile I put it down to just been sad. But something kind of clicked in me I felt sick and I turned to my partner and said omg you've gotta get me a test he looked puzzled but when I explained he went to the corner shop and came back with three tests. I was terrified not to lie , id been pregnant before when I was younger and that didn't end well as they couldn't find a heartbeat .. Pure dread came into my heart and pure fear I started to feel more sick and panicked than ever. What if I lost a baby again I already accepted the fact I couldn't carry nor could I get pregnant again after the damage left and the blood transfusions and all the struggles of the time before. I didn't even want to be a mother at all , or did I ? No not Atleast until I was like 30 or something id pushed all thoughts of ever been someones mother out of my head for a while as it was to painful. Ugh why me , why didn't we glove up why did it have to feel so good why why why and then to think I had been drinking and smoking. Shit. I stopped all these thoughts and quickly manned up and took all the tests to the bathroom. All positive. Shit. Id not long started a great new job though , I was really excelling and I dont wanna be a mother and surely history would repeat itself? Were the tests right? I cant even get pregnant can I? Ive been drinking so much and smoking, ive been so sad ive been getting into scraps with my partner how far gone was I? Had we scrapped when I was pregnant? Im trapped. So many thoughts I sat in the bathroom and just let out a deep breath. Im the strongest person I know lol or am I or do I just suppress shit and abuse substances to get over the way i felt ? Either way I felt strong I know im strong after everything id been through before in the past year let alone the past few years. Okay It is what it is man. Walked out the bathroom and handed my partner all the tests we looked at each other he widened his eyes then he smiled real hard probably the most he'd smiled at me in a long time, he was happy but he was worried because he to lost his baby when I did before. We both lost the baby. It was ours and now we were faced with that feeling once again omg were pregnant wtf to do?! Not to mention We found out on new years eve!! So all of our plans cancelled. Man if this wasnt the time for me to get drunk and high I dont know what was. So we left it for a few days. We agreed to rebuild ourselves and rebuild our friendship and then out relationship. We obviously still loved and cared for each other but we had to make a pact no more toxic mess not around my baby no way no how. No More drinking for me I told myself I also stopped smoking cigarettes I was the moodiest id been in a month or so withdrawal symptoms really aint the one. I found it extremely hard to stop getting high though truthfully that had been my addiction and coping mechanism for years I felt even more lost wondering what the fuck I was gonna do without getting high everyday after work after a busy day after just having to wake up. Truly exhausting. Still only me and my partner knew our secret whilst I struggled to come to terms with it. At work I had the worst morning sickness ever I wont post to much about this but my job included me having to be really hands on and alert at all times It was getting real tough. I needed to tell someone. I told my manager their reaction wasn't really what I needed I guess they felt I was deliberately(damn it took spell check along time to figure out wtf I was just tryna spell) deliberately ruining their business. Great. And more exhaustion and more morning sickness. I need my mom Yo. The next day I went to my moms house and just came right out with everything she was shocked , happy , scared because of last time of course. My darling mom man I missed her she reacted just how Id wanted her to by getting my shits together telling me I had to make decisions from now and ultimately booking me a private paid scan for the next evening to check everything was ok. Work on this day was the worst all I could think about was whether I was gonna see that little heartbeat or whether it would have stopped like last time, like last time like last time all i kept thinking was like last time. Jesus get me the fuck out of here It was going slow though because I was clock watching. Finally it was time to leave i was outta there in no time I felt so sick driving to the scan place we picked up my partner It was just us three I could tell my mom and him were terrified to but they were just tryna be happy and make me laugh but i literally couldn't even speak I just felt so weird , silence please until we get this over with. So we arrive at the place and I swear my feet stopped working and my legs like I couldn't even get out of the car, mom helped me. Okay this is it. There was like a ten minute wait for the sonographer it felt more like ten fucking hours. Id zoned anyway I didnt know what anyone was saying and if they were talking to me I wasnt listening, finally they called me. We got into the scan room and oh my life Ive never experienced fear like it I personally thought I was fearless nothing scared me but this did. My mom literally had to lift me onto the bed and pull up my top for the scan and then explain to the sonographer Id had a bad experience in the past. My partner looked at me and smiled but I could see past his smile I could tell he was fucking shit scared just like me so he came and held my hand she rubbed the cold jelly on my stomach and began to look around Id covered my eyes by this point cos in my head I thought well at least this time if theres no heartbeat I wouldn't have to see it. I heard people talking my mom , the sonographer , some other woman in the back supervising I just wasnt listening to what they were saying my mom stood up and took my hands from my eyes and said its okay look! I looked and there was my beautiful little bean with the strongest heartbeat ive ever saw the sonographer turned to me and said your only eight weeks so not far gone at all but they have a real strong heartbeat and so far everything looks fine. I just froze and started sobbing. My little bean I couldn't believe it they printed us some scan pictures and I prized myself up of their bed and we went back to my moms house on the way back I was sick all over myself in the car in my new tracksuit that was really something. A part of me just couldn't believe I had a living thing inside of me. Wow got to my moms house cleaned up and ate some food and we talked and we made decisions and I told her I didn't wanna be a mother and she told me really it was tough and I should of thought about it before I didnt use protection. Lol typical thanks mom though I needed that. So I should have been relaxed cos there was a heartbeat but all I kept thinking about was would they even make it another week inside me I really didnt believe I was capable of bringing another life into this world. She dropped us back to my partners families house were we lived and my partner told his family they were happy for us his mother especially. We sat in our bedroom and I just cried on him for abit then he made a spliff and I had a few drags ( I know its bad but try not to judge me ) id read marijuana could help with sickness . Yeah anything to make it sound better. Fast forward a little bit to a week or so and I had a couple of appointments at the hospital due to what had happened before they wanted to double check me and see if I was okay. My manager was not at all happy about how many appointments I was having constantly making sly remarks and comments giving me the silent treatment telling me I was causing them to have to find cover. My initial thoughts whatever trevor I'm still here still working still trying my best your the least of my worries and just ignored them and looked forward to going to bed as the exhaustion was unreal Id never felt a tiredness like it honestly. Fatigue. Back at my partners house him and his mother had had a few disagreements lately and then one night it got really bad and a lot of harsh things were said and eventually she told him he had till the end of the week to get out. What ! I was shocked where was I gonna go ? All pregnant and shit clearly I had to go with him I hadnt left his side at the best of times never mind staying somewhere he'd been kicked out of. Weird shit I made the split second decision and told him lets leave now we grabbed a few bits we needed for the next couple days and left right there and then. Where we gonna go !? My partner asked I didnt even know I just knew I didnt wanna stay there any longer. I called my mom and briefly explained she didnt have a clue what I was talking about it was half eleven at night and everyone had work early in the morning she just said yes then we turned up at her house at midnight , a couple of lost puppies like hey. She just made sure we were okay we'd ate and we had somewhere to sleep with all her blankets and pillows. Fast forward a little bit I really wanted to move into our own place so I started saving over half my wages for the next two months and just stacking up buying things for the place we found , he was saving to , we'd saved more money then than in our whole lives , I mean it seemed real easy I wasnt buying bottles of alcohol all the time I wasnt buying cigarettes I wasnt buying weed no clothes cos I figured id just grow out of them soon anyway so my money was literally untouched so saving and buying household goods was all me for the next few weeks. I wasnt happy but I was at peace. We viewed a flat and I knew it was the one man I just didnt think we stood a chance as it was in a posh area and quite expensive and we were not posh and you know how landlords would stereotype a young black couple so I really began to give up hope of finding somewhere. But then they called and told us the place was all ours and we could come and collect the keys in two weeks I was so happy we were happy, it felt like things were finally gonna go right. The day before I was due to move in my manager dismissed me unfairly due to pregnancy discrimination. It didn't come as much of a shock because of all the shit id put up with them since telling them I was pregnant, but I couldnt believe people could actually do this stuff to people. It was disgusting I was so mad and now breaking down because I didnt even know if id be able to afford to live in our beautiful new home. All the stuff we'd brought and I didnt wanna be a young mom living in at my mothers house it was all just to much once again I manned up and realised I had alot of savings and still had another wage to come my way and some unpaid holiday so I was going to be okay until that ran out. Of course my partner works hard and he could pay everything but that is not something I wanted either so I made sure to even out my savings to last until the summer by then id be receiving maternity pay anyway. I was terrified for the 12 week scan as alot of pregnancies dont make it to the 2nd trimester all I could think about was what I had lost before I just couldn't accept anything good would happen for me so once again sick and nervous I went to my next scan and there it was again a beautiful little heartbeat , so strong and the way they were wiggling about in me on the scan I still just could not believe it more scan photos were given and I left feeling abit happier once again still filled with terror and worry. I began to wonder whether or not id ever be able to enjoy been pregnant and if it was even worth it worth putting on the fake smiles every day worth looking at my changing body going from been super underweight hardly , controlled eating basically not eating at all - when I was sad cos It was the only thing I felt I had control over , to having no choice but to eat constantly all the time even through all the horrible morning sickness that FYI doesnt just fucking occur in the mornings. Ugh. Whatever. I have no choice for me pregnancy felt horrible its a really weird experience I didn't understand how women skipped about with their big bellies all happy and excited cos I was not happy or excited I loved my baby of course but It filled me with dread to think I could be growing them but never get to meet them again I just was not prepared for this at all and Im twenty years old. Isnt that old enough? Hell no. But theres nothing I can do. Fast forward 16 weeks pregnant and received news you can pay for a private scan to reveal the gender. So basically to put it blunt I thought everytime I had another scan I wouldnt see the babies heartbeat sounds paranoid and ridiculous and surely after three scans id calm down . Nope it got worse for me. So of course I wanted to find out the gender but for me it was just another way to see if the baby was still alive in me. The day of my gender scan I actually had an appointment with the midwife to listen to the heartbeat. So i went into that terrified as well my midwife knew how scared I was and dealt with me really nicely she eased me into it and then I heard my beautiful baby's heartbeat for the first time. Oh my God it was shocking I felt breathless I was listening to my baby's heartbeat. (Ive just noticed excuse my poor grammar throughout I never liked school lol) but that heartbeat the most special thing to me its all I could think about. Then in the evening when it came to my private scan I was still terrified at finding their heartbeat even though id heard it literally a few hours before! It was then that I realised I actually had a real problem. But whatever suppressed that again and readied myself for what they were saying in the scan. So I brought along my sister my dad my mom my partner and my bestfriend as you were paying you could have five people in the room lol. This if your highly nervous I wouldnt recommend they were all so excited and happy I just couldnt figure out how they were so excited and happy whilst I was miserable and terrified. So on the scan table the cold jelly again and then the sonographer started to feel around I covered my eyes again of course like I did every scan then got the all clear that there was a heartbeat then started to watch it was beautiful I couldnt get over the fact a little human was inside my belly so weird so magical wow. The sonographer asked so do you want to know the sex my family were all like wooo yeahh I didnt say anything just half heartedly smiled all of a sudden then sonographer told me its a girl!!! Oh my God. I had a little girl growing inside me a mini me. I sobbed abit again. Unreal my very own little daughter. So overwhelming that I actually started to feel really upset thats another thing about been pregnant these raging hormones noone warns you about this stuff I swear. So we were having a little girl (something my partner had said all along) and I was still not happy. I started to feel really selfish and bad. I explained I felt lonely I dont know how when I wasn't alone but it was just not a great feeling at all I really needed help I started to act irrationally and like an emotional wreck I definitely needed to accept some help so a week or so later I spoke up and was referred to a mental health midwife. Which to me sounded dramatic as fuck. But cos id struggled with mental health before it was something they had recommended anyway but stubborn old me didn't take the help. But now it was official I was dealing with antenatal depression like a constant feeling of impending doom I just couldn't be happy ever again could I? At Least not until my daughter was in my arms. I dont do talking or taking sad pills I couldn't drink I couldn't get high or control my eating like before not to mention I couldnt just have the maddest sex session either as I was scared that would harm my baby to. Ugh. I couldn't do nothing man because I was pregnant so my stress went straight to my head all everyone kept saying was dont stress you'll stress out the baby. Like really thank fuck you just said that never thought of that before. I literally couldnt listen to people and their stupid comments I just tried to accept they were trying to help and whatever they were saying was in my best interest. Okay Now this is were my story so far gets real fucked up. Ive been trying to think how to word this since before even starting to write this. Writing it in my head over and over but this is were it gets really personal to me. We're almost up to the current point in my story so far to. So 19 weeks pregnant I am terrified (surprise) for my next scan next week, its the 20 week scan it looks at your baby and your inside properly in abit more detail and sees if things are forming the way they should with the baby and with the umbilical cord, the placenta, the sack of fluid baby is in just all sorts of things. So of course im fearing the worst noone gets why I always fear the worst but I did it before been pregnant anyway so now im pregnant it just made it that bit worse for me. Im showing now by the way got a right little belly going on lol my moms started with a baby box , little socks her first teddy , a couple outfits she even managed to convince me to buy my little girl something I brought her some girly dinosaur baby grows as Id never saw dinosaurs for girls before and I loved it. So this beautiful little baby girl box. I looked through now and again and I wouldnt say I got used to been pregnant but I started to feel her little movements her little swimming and butterfly movements in my tummy so as much as Id tried to stay detached incase of any loss I was attatched whether I liked it or not. My baby girl. I pictured what shed look like , where id take her , what me and my partner would be like with a baby and what a daddy he would be. Holidays with her and just the rest of my life with her. My saviour she'd even made me able to forgive my partner and to care a lot less about the silly little things in life when I think about it she's the only reason Id found a way to want to live again, like she'd given me a purpose like I didnt need to have my eating disorders anymore or get high or get drunk all I needed was to feel her move. I dreamed about kissing and feeling her skin for the first time, I just couldnt believe id been given the opportunity from God to bring one of his angels onto the earth. Had me really in my feelings and thats not me at all. Crazy shit. Anyway back to the scan. Im 21 weeks and 3 days now and its the day of my scan to see if everything's okay me and my partner are nervous of course but im with my mom and him again and there telling me everything's gonna be fine and I just need to chill out. So we get into the scan I cover my eyes once again and then the doctor tells me theres a heartbeat , a strong heartbeat. so I open my eyes and start to look his scanning all over explaining what he can see so far then he goes quiet and starts to scan the same place over and over again, her heart. So I just get a feeling somethings wrong. A single tear comes out my eye and I just lye on the bed waiting for him to say something to give me some information , finally he says im just going to get a second opinion. Thanks for all that info Dr fucking who. My mom and my partners faces they look so sad , so sad for me for them for us all man we dont understand whats going on were just waiting for them to say something more. Two doctors come in the room and scan her heart again shes wriggling all over the place at this point sucking her thumb , waving her arms. I just cant look at the screen anymore I cant bring myself to look at her. The doctor says im so sorry but we suspect she has hypo plastic left heart syndrome, well fuck me. From when he said im so sorry I just couldnt breathe again I didnt even know what the fuck he meant but im scared and im upset and im desperate. My partner looks so sad to. I just feel so bad I just want to apoligize to everyone I just dont understand why I cant do this one thing a women's supposed to do. So the doctor gives us some notes and refers us to a fetal medicine scanner to confirm the diagnosis. Basically the left side of her heart hadn't formed properly he told us what to look at online and what to read etc. I just couldnt believe it. I felt like a fool for ever believing something good could happen for me for us. So we left thinking we had nothing left. I had already started grieving and she wasnt even gone! I was grieving like she was though I just lost all hope. Reading up on the syndrome it means she will need open heart surgery at just a few hours old, then another open heart surgery at around 7 months if she was even to make it through the first op. Then another open heart surgery at 2/3 years old. Then eventually a heart transplant as her heart will never work like a normal heart and it can never be fixed. Well ill be damned. I spent the next few days until the fetal medicine scan breaking down in the shower and staying in bed anything I was doing included bed I didnt wanna leave bed I didnt wanna talk to anyone I was defeated. I couldn't bring myself to go into the room with that damn baby box. Fetal medicine scan day. Which are more skilled doctors sonographers that specify in looking at problems and confirming them. By this point id given up been scared before the scan as I was scared everyday. Waking up was like hearing the diagnosis all over again because as soon as I opened my eyes I would remember. So the doctors scanned and it was confirmed hypoplastic left heart syndrome my poor baby girl thinking of everything shes gonna have to deal with. How long would I know her? If I got to know her at all would she even survive the first op? Second? Third? What the fuck. Why me? Why me and my baby Im a good person Ive done a few bad things but ive dealt with more bad Jesus why me ? Did I really not deserve a break I just couldnt believe my luck. They offered me three options. Termination. Which I considered for a little while as I believed it would hurt less if I lost her now than loosing her when Id met her. Is it better to have loved and lost or to have lost and never loved? What kind of shitty statement is that I dont even know what to think anymore. I decide if shes still fighting then I have to fight with her I cant just give up hope for my baby girl. So cancel out that option. Next. They offer the three stages of the operations but thats not including any complications and operations to fix anything else that goes wrong oh and also my baby has to weigh over 5 pounds to be able to have these operations anyway and cant have any chromosomal issues such as down syndrome or Edwards syndrome then they really cant operate at all and nature just has to take its way. And the last option was compassionate care so when my baby's born they help us plan the funeral and give us extra support. To me all these options were fucked the fuck up and I just didnt want to have to choose any of them. We had like a week to make a decision until we met with the cardiologist who would explain my little girls problems in more depth as every baby is different of course and look in depth at her little heart. See if it was even possible to operate how much damage was actually done. Well fuck me. I seriously didnt even know this condition existed and neither did my family and friends. I couldn't help but just feel grief and defeat. But as long as my daughter kept fighting I knew that I was going to so we picked the second option deciding to go through with the operations if that was a possibility for her. Appointment over. I couldnt even bring myself to look at my stomach that night truth be told i couldn't even look at myself at all. I just felt like a failure If i couldn't do this what could I do? I thought about how my life will never be the same ever again as most babies take up to three months to leave the hospital if they even get to at all how much we'd have to be in the hospital for the rest of her life. Weve been dealt some real shit cards. Cant I just give her some of my heart? Cant my partner give some of his heart? We would give her anything she needed. Not possible. Ive tried to think of how to explain the next week to you guys but its impossible to put into words for me it felt like been in a box in the deepest point of the sea and seeing a random submarine in the distance but if you try to scream to get its attention you'd drown. Although that comparison is shitty because nothing could compare to the way I was feeling. Grief pure grief and heart break, I didnt know why God kept testing me but I also didnt want to question him. Cardiologist appointment arrived and in we went again to check over our baby. So her little heart is underdeveloped and the right side is doing everything for the left side. Everything else looks fine her growth is normal and her movements. The biggest problem though her heart. Now there are four severe things that could be wrong with her heart adding to her syndrome meaning she is unable to have the operation and she only had one of them. Her areola a small vaule to the heart was only 1mm big which will make it harder for the surgeons performing her operation. So it makes a high risk operation even more high risk. Then the cardiologist started coming at us with statistics and they sounded real shit , any hope I'd had left she knocked it the fuck out of me. Information overload I just couldnt believe what I was hearing still all I kept thinking about was how long we're going to know her for I mean we still dont know what were dealing with properly until shes here anyway all we know is she has a 25/75 chance of survival with the op . And a even lower chance without the op. So much to take in. We were told a charity named little hearts matter would get in touch with us and that we could go and visit parents or surviving babies after the op and then we would go and have a look at the children's hospital where our baby will be transported to straight after birth ( I wont even get to hold her until after the op ) blah blah blah just more words that hurt and I just wanted to get into bed. Left that appointment feeling worse than when we went in. I cried a hell of alot that night to in the shower were I felt I could just sit with the freezing cold water hitting me trying to wake me up out of this emotional daze I had dropped into. I went a walk and contemplated just jumping into the moving traffic so me and her could just be free together in a better place. No I refuse to sink. After that I realised most people my age could not put up with half the stuff I've been through hell people twice my age couldn't. I remembered I was super strong (more so than ever before) and that my daughter was just as strong as her mommy. The next day we spoke with the charity and now theres a lovely lady who calls me to see if were okay and how baby's doing. And I have more hope than ever I believe everything is going to be okay in the end and God only tests his strongest people. My baby girl is my will to live and she keeps me strong and she now kicks me real hard every single day her daddy feels and sees her kicks and so do my family and friends. She's so beautiful and strong im now 25 weeks and waiting on more scans I have to have one every two weeks and endless appointments monitoring her. Im a high risk pregnancy but I'm okay for the first time in a while and whenever I have a down day and cry a little my baby makes sure to kick me so I know she doesnt want her mommy to be sad. Dont get me wrong nothing is cured certainly my despair and broken heart for her broken heart, some days I feel like I can take on the world and anything it throws my way and other days I cant imagine loosing my little darling , it really hurts not knowing how long I may know her for. But I just have to accept life is an amazing gift no matter how short or long. And although I'm to young to be dealing with all this shit I'm making it my mission to deal with all of this shit just for my girl. And I hope to raise awareness on alot of issues raised in my post. Ill be writing more when the times right and thankyou for listening x https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1700345300267324&id=1696783053956882 https://www.betterhelp.com/start/?utm_source=AdWords&utm_medium=Search_PPC_m&utm_term=mental+health+helpline_p&utm_content=41730113956&network=g&placement=&target=&matchtype=p&utm_campaign=384715930_mobile&ad_type=text&adposition=1t1&gclid=CK7R9-e03tMCFcy37QodO20LaA&gor=start-go&fv=d http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/Pages/mental-health-helplines.aspx https://www.nct.org.uk/pregnancy/antenatal-depression http://mensadviceline.org.uk https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/helpline/ My story so far ! .. Stay tuned. #mentalhealth #awareness #littleheartsmatter #speak #useyourvoice #love #follow #strong #pleaseread #story

[lauralosonczy]

This one is for you. M. The biggest mistake and blessing of my damn life. I want to write it down so as to every time I scroll through my tumblr I will read this. Because I am about to tell you- whoever is reading this- the most powerful story of my life. Its 2.34 am, I am awake arent I? Obviusly, I cant help waking up at the middle of the night because I had a stupid dream and I want to text you. I am typing in your name but suddenly I remember myself ,,he aint shit''. I cant fall asleep. Knowing that you are out there with all your fears and dreams, goals and thoughts and questions. I want to help you. I want to give you everything I have and everything I am. I want to have the power of pulling out sadness of you and I dont care if I have to get rid of my happiness in charge. But I cant send that message. My hands are shaking. My legs feel like jelly. I suddenly feel the need of screaming but I am also afraid of waking up anyone. ,,Send it.'' I say to myself ,,Do it for yourself.'' I remind myself. But I cant, I stay up until morning and get up from my bed. I am not a morning person since we dont talk. I make myself a mug of coffee. I pour milk in it, add some sugar. Shit, I wish I havent poured so much milk in it because now it is too light to resemble your dark brown eyes I saw that night back in 2015 June. Two years huh? Still in love. I go to school, you know which school I am talking about dont you? It breaks my heart every day knowing that if I was a year older we would have climbed the same staires and breathed the same air. Classes are followed by classes, they really are interesting. I go home and study. Well, I try, I cant really because unexpectedly its you thats on my mind again. Fuck, I wanna go for walks in mid July, art fairies, dates, lunches, to the mall without having my hands shaking because I am in fear that I lost you. I fucked everything up. I keep blaming myself for all the things I have done but cant bring myself to think about how YOU told me I was a muse without meaning it, how YOU didnt tell me you had a girlfriend (not even after I told you I was in love with you), how YOU left me with all my questions without willing to answer them or at least understand that I AM in deep pain. I wanna laugh like I mean it. I wanna buy chocolate icecream and taste it not just consume it. I wanna pay attention to the little things. But I cant. I am already crying, again. And I hate you for all the lies you told. I hate the way you manage to make those caps look cool. I hate how you have the most mesmerazing smile I have ever seen in my life. I hate how those fucking dimples appear when you smile and that those are the cutest thing. I hate how you are so so so smart and intelligent. I hate how you have a lovely dog. But mostly I hate that I dont hate you. Not at all.