#Almost 2 decades of that and the body just kinda...goes through the motions now

[painted-bees]

reading through your hinote tags it was interesting to learn that Raf still likes preforming and even misses playing large shows, but avoids getting sucked back into it. As an adult, you'd think he could just return to preforming on his own terms and play any stage he wants. Does a fear of success keeps him away from it? Sorry if this was already explained somewhere and I missed it.

Sssorta haha! He doesn't want to gain too much traction and attract media attention, because it'll inevitably liken his current career/his current self to his past...And almost none of the things he had said about himself, very few of the views he presented in interviews and such, none of it was really him, what he believed, what he liked, or how he, himself, wanted to be perceived. He likes playing the character on stage, but hates the notion of that character following him and being projected onto him in day to day life. On one hand, he doesn't want random people to see him and know him accurately--which is why the stage persona is so great. But on the other hand, the media personality his mother curated is too far removed from his own tastes and sensibilities, that it feels like an ill-fitting skin and makes him physically uncomfortable to be identified as and associated with it. Increased visibility as a performer would kinda force him to contend with that in a way he really would rather not. It's not worth it for him. AND he does not want to attract his family's attention. He doesn't want them contacting him about his career. He wants to be as tiny and invisible to them as possible.

Secondly, and more acutely, though--his symptoms after a show--any show--really suck. He gets nervous leading up to a performance, but it's usually perfectly manageable. He's normally in relatively good spirits about it. Then on stage, he gets a nice little thrill and the feeling of "man, yeah! I need to let myself do this more often!" But then, once the show is over, he's in the backstage bathroom vomiting, and spends the next week struggling to recover from a depressed hangover with 0 motivation, energy, or excitement for anything. He hasn't...figured out how to avoid this extremely consistent pattern. It's weird, because he feels fine during the performance, even if there's a break in between or some such. But as soon as it's properly over, the nerves hit him hard--and once the anxiety passes, he's just an exhausted, deflated, apathetic husk with a very, very low mood about it. That's what kinda keeps him off the stage, and prevents him from doing shows on any kind of consistent basis. He can only really commit to doing them if he's feeling really good about things--and if he can afford the inevitable "crash" week that always follows. If that were less of an ailment for him, he might be more inclined to at least humor the idea of reinventing his persona and returning to musical performance on a more serious/professional/consistent basis. Alas.

[justkending]

Used to Be Overlooked. Chapter 14.

Summary: Steve Rogers was walking down the streets of Brooklyn after finishing a mission. The goal was just to take some time to clear his mind along the city streets, but when he runs into a gorgeous young lady that looks extremely familiar… How can he go about moving on? Who is she? What does he know her from? Was that memory even from this decade?

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader (Rosalyn Ember/ Y/N ?)

Word Count: 2800+

Warning: SLOW BURN. Soooo slow, but sooooo worth it...

Series Masterlist

Chapter 14:

“Rosalyn!” Bruce said putting down the gadget he was messing with, and taking off his goggles as well. “What a pleasant surprise? When Tony said you were here and wanted to talk, I have to admit, I was kinda surprised. We haven’t heard from you since the dinner.”

You walked in with Steve right next to you. He had opened the door for you and motioned for you to enter first. Tony was probably close behind.

“Yes, that’s my bad. I’ve been having some major things happen at the lab, and needed to take some time to get it all sorted,” you smiled politely as you walked over to the station he was at. “But in good news, we found a vaccine for the flu that I was telling to you about.”

“Oh, that’s great news! I remember you saying something about it hopefully being done a couple of years from now, but to hear it’s finished so soon is amazing!”

“Amazing indeed. We just needed some insight from a fellow scientist at a partnering lab, and sure enough, progress was made,” you said looking at Steve, who was now standing tall next to you, and then looking back at Bruce with a soft grin.

“Well, like you said. It never hurts to have fresh eyes on something. You never know what you could be missing.”

“Very true.”

“Ok, the king is here! Why don’t we get this party started?” Tony said making a grand entrance. You all turned your heads to the door he came in, and watched as he waltzed over to a stool and turned his body toward you as he leaned against the counter. “What brings your beautiful presence to us this afternoon, Miss. Ember?” he smirked.

“Right,” you sighed remembering all the nerves that you were feeling before coming.

As you got flustered and hesitant at taking the next step you came here for, you felt Steve’s large hand on the small of your back. You looked up meeting his kind and reassuring crystal blue eyes. He sent you a soft and warming smile, and a sense of ease washed over you. For a second.

You took a deep breath before reaching into your bag and retrieving the folder you showed earlier.

“I have some things to discuss with you both. Now, this thing is a very big secret near and dear to my heart, and I ask that you give me a chance in explaining it before throwing me under the category of crazy or… Well… different,” you said looking between the two men who were now furrowing their eyebrows at you.

They gave each other a look of confusion and turned to Steve who just nodded and turned his head to you. You could tell he was there in full support and was going to have your back in the whole process. It made the whole situation a lot easier to handle honestly.

“Rosalyn, is everything ok?” Bruce said taking a concerned step toward you.

“My name isn’t Rosalyn actually.” you said in a soft tone. You handed him the folder which he took hastily, and looked down at it then to your face for direction. “My name is Y/N Erskine, and everything that you need to know about me is in that folder right there.”

You finally turned a glance at Tony behind Bruce, and saw surprise, but not as much as you were expecting. He stood and walked over to Bruce taking the folder from him and quickly pulling out the contents from it.

He started scanning over the files you had, and Bruce took a second to comprehend the situation before looking over Tony’s shoulder and starting to read what he could.

“Wait a minute, this birth certificate is from 1918.” Bruce said stealing the papers from Tony, and looking harder at it. “Y/N Erskine. Daughter of Dr. Abraham Erskine and Mary Erskine. Born October 11, 1918 in Martin Luther Hospital, Berlin, Germany at 2:03 am.” he continued to read. “I-I-”

“Easy there Banner. Don’t get too worked up,” Tony said taking the papers easily from the shocked scientist and looking over them himself before letting out a short laugh. “Good to know,” he mumbled, but you heard it.

“You don’t seem too surprised Mr. Stark,” you said crossing your arms and looking at Steve. Had he told Tony after you begged him not to. Frustration started slowly welling up in your chest. Remember Y/N. Steve wouldn’t do that.

“Should I be? I mean the man your standing next to is literally, what? Four months older than you? I hate to tell you sweetheart, but there have been weirder things that I have seen in my life,” he said sifting through the papers on the counter. Then he came across your blood work. “Now this. This something new,” he said raising and eyebrow, and lifting the paper into the light some more.

“That would be the test I’ve ran over my blood.” you said walking over and standing next to him as you sorted through to find more of those types of papers.

“This doesn’t look normal,” Tony said.

“That’s because it isn’t,” Steve interjected making you both look at him as he made his way over to stand by you once again.

Bruce was still standing where you left him trying to process the fact your birth was almost a hundred years ago.

“Banner, get you ass over here, and look at this,” Tony said snapping his fingers and effectively bringing Bruce’s attention back to you.

“I-I don’t understand-” Bruce sputtered as he sat on the other side of the table looking at you with wide eyes.

“Yes, we know you don’t understand it,” Tony scoffed. “Look at these, and maybe you will,” he said sliding the papers over to him.

Bruce took them and started reading the blood work.

“The white blood cell count is high. If it’s this high, then you should be sick,” he said looking up at you before looking back to make sure he was reading it right.

“What does he mean?” Steve asked as he went to look over Bruce's shoulder.

“White blood cells are part of the immune system of the body. They help fight off illnesses, allergies, infections, and the list goes on. The problem is, if you have too many, then your body can develop bad diseases. Cancer bad,” you explained.

“But that doesn’t make sense for what you’re body does,” Steve said now more confused.

“Exactly, but if you look closer and knew how blood cells are supposed to look-”

“These are modified. They aren’t normal ones. They are bigger, and look…” Banner tried finding the words. “Mutated. Stronger. I-I don’t understand how…” he was still trying to process.

“Ok, Rose- Sorry, Y/N,” Tony said putting the paper he was reading down and turning to you. “I think we are going to need a little background story before we keep reading these lab reports that make no sense to us.”

“Right,” you sighed grabbing a stool and getting comfortable. “What I’m about to say may seem a little… crazy, but-”

“I’m sure I’ve heard worse. Lay it on us,” Tony smiled softly trying to make you more comfortable.

You returned the smile feeling a little better about all of this. Bruce was shocked and still trying to wrap his head around it, but at least he wasn’t screaming at you for lying. Tony was just genuinely curious like Steve said he would be. Less surprised than you thought, but reassuring nonetheless.

As you got ready to debrief them on everything that had happened to bring you here, Steve grabbed another stool and sat by you at the table to make sure that you were even more comfortable. You gave him a smile of thanks, and started telling your story to the two brunette scientist.

You told them basically everything you told Steve, minus a few of the minor details that weren’t of importance to the main problem you were trying to get across.

“So, experiment gone bad? I understand that,” Bruce chuckled finally more comfortable with everything.

“Yep,” you sighed.

“So, why tell us? I mean I’m glad that you felt you can confide in us, but why?” Tony asked.

“I’ve lived this life too long. I’ve done trials and trials of ways to go back to normal, but nothing I do takes,” you said fidgeting with your hands. “I’m honestly tired of this whole not aging thing. I want to be normal again. I don’t want to have to keep trying to find a new life every 5-6 years when things start to look suspicious. I want to settle down, find someone to have kids with, and grow old. Not- not this,” you motioned to the papers.

Steve took in what you were saying and felt a flutter in his chest. You wanted to find love and have kids? You wanted the apple pie life?

Snap out of it Steve! You don’t even know her that well! 

But maybe he did. I mean he certainly felt like you knew him, and every time you guys talked or were in the same vicinity of each other, he felt that bond grow.

“Ok, and what can we do to help that?” Tony asked picking up the papers.

“Honestly, maybe nothing, but I thought I would let someone else in on this secret that is my life, and maybe fresh eyes-”

“Can open up a new perspective,” Bruce said making you look to him, and share an understanding smile.

“Exactly.”

“I’m not really an expert in this medical portion field personally, but I’m sure Bruce can lend a hand, and I’ll do my best to see where I can contribute,” Tony said gathering the papers and tapping them on the table so they were straightened. He turned giving you a tight smile.

“I appreciate it,” you smiled back.

Steve leaned over in your ear while Bruce and Tony started talking about what they could possible do.

“I told you. They won’t do anything that you don’t want them to do. This is all on your terms.”

You turned seeing he was just inches from your face, and the heat of a blush started creeping up your neck and to your cheeks. Without thought, you looked down at his lips, but quickly recovered and looked back at his eyes. He had a boyish grin on his face that showed he probably saw the quick glance. You just gave him a fast smile before turning back to the men in front of you, wanting to hide your reddening face from him.

“Ok Y/N. It looks like Banner and I have some things to go over. I’m glad that you came to us,” Tony said smiling and standing straighter as he faced you.

“I have to say, I was hesitant, but I guess I’ve become more desperate in solving this as the years go by.”

“I love helping desperate women,” Tony smirked, making Steve clear his throat in annoyance. “Anyway, this is going to take some time to work through. It also is going to take some collaboration and your thoughts on the process as well. You ok with meeting when you can to help us out?”

“Sure. Work should be a little slower now, so I can make time to come visit every week to help you guys.” you nodded standing and placing your hands in front of you with your bag.

“Yeah, we are going to need all the information, and past experiments you’ve done so far to get a better grasp on all this,” Bruce spoke up coming around the table.

“I understand. It’s a lot,” you chuckled lightly. “Again, thank you so much for being willing to help,” you said offering your hand for them to shake, which they both kindly accepted.

“Anything for a fellow scientist,” Bruce smiled.

“I’m assuming since we can’t tell anyone about this, we need to keep up the front of calling you Rosalyn still?” Tony asked arching an eyebrow.

“That would be ideal. I’m not really comfortable letting this secret out to more people.” you said tilting your head, and nodding.

“One problem with that,” Steve spoke up. You looked over at him with raised eyebrows. He tucked his hands in his pocket and started rocking on his feet. “Bucky already suspects something.”

“I hadn’t noticed,” you said sarcastically.

“When this whole thing's started, and I got a curious in finding out who you were, I confided in him. He was the only one who would truly understand, and well…”

“He knows something is up,” you finished for him as you looked at the ground trying to think of your next step.

“Yeah, and Bucky isn't one for letting things slip by. His curious nature gets the best of him, and he can be a little nosy,” Steve chuckled.

“I suppose since he already knows something isn’t right, we can tell him. Also, wouldn’t hurt to have someone else my age in the know,” you sighed looking at Steve. “But if anyone else, and I mean anyone,” you said pointing a finger and stepping up to him. “Finds out about all this. I will follow up with my threat from the other night,” he raised a nervous eyebrow knowing what you were talking about. “I will leave you with something that can not be healed Cap. I mean it.” you said in a stern and terrifying whisper.

“Y-Yes ma’am,” he stuttered out as he looked into you dark (Y/E/C) eyes that showed promise.

“Good.” you said changing right back to sweet and innocent. He wasn’t the only one who could flip a switch. “Now, if you gentleman will excuse me, I took a sick day for the first time in almost 10 years, and I’m going to take advantage of it. Any further questions?”

They all looked at you shocked, and slightly scared at the change of mood. You nodded and threw your bag over your shoulder.

“Ok, well I will see you all later. Thank you again for the help, and I’m anxious to see where this leads. Please call if you have questions or need insight on anything,” you smiled before turning swiftly and walking to the door.

They were all too stunned to respond, and just watched until you were a few feet away from the door. Tony snapped out of it first, and cleared his throat as he shook his head.

“Wait! One last thing!” he shouted causing you to turn and tilt your head at him. “We are having a charity gala this Friday night. It involves the Avengers inviting foster children here and trying to get some publicity for them to help raise funds for some new homes they are building for them.”

“I think I remember seeing something in the news about that,” you nodded.

“Well, it just so happens that Cap here,” he stepped forward, and smacked Steve on the chest and wrapped his other arm around his shoulder causing Steve to finally snap out of his thoughts and send Tony a glare. “Does not have a date to said Gala,” he grinned in a devilish manner.

“Hmm,” you hummed.

“Tony-” Steve spoke up looking down at the man.

“I’m sure he would love to have a date as lovely and stunning as you on his arm,” he winked. “Isn’t that right, Rogers?” he said patting him again.

Steve cleared his throat sending Tony a death glare before looking up at you who had a sly grin on your face.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want-”

“It sounds fun. I don’t remember the last time I got to go to an event for something as great of a cause as this,” you responded. “Unless of course you don’t want me to come. I understand-”

“NO! NO!” he shouted putting his hands up and striding closer to you. “I would love for you to come. Truly,” He grinned when he realized that he was just a few feet from you. “Only if you want to of course.”

“I want to. Gives me an excuse to get out of the house. Add Captain America in the equation, and you got an eventful night,” you smiled.

God, that smile would be the death of him.

“Really?” he asked surprised that you saw it that way, and a giant grin started to form on his own face.

“Absolutely. It’s a date. I’ll meet you here at 8,” you beamed turning back to the door. “See you gentleman on Friday then,” you waved walking away with pride.

The men watched you walk with poise as you passed Bucky on the way out nodding as you said goodbye. He smiled timidly as you passed stopping to watch you leave too. Once you disappeared out of all their sights, Bucky shook his head out of his thoughts before walking into the lab.

“She terrifies me,” he grumbled walking up to Steve who was still looking where you left.

“She’s definitely something else,” Steve mumbled.

“She is so out of your league,” Tony laughed making Steve send him yet another glare.

“Ok, so what did I miss?” Bucky said clapping his hands.

“What didn’t you miss?” Tony sighed.

“We have a lot to catch up on.” Steve said as all the men looked at each other.

Chapter 15

Used to be Overlooked Tag:

@xa-dia  @losersunitetonight  @fashionlive15 @star-spangled-man-with-a-plan@steverogersxreader@laneygthememequeen @lauravic @shreddedparchment @iheartsebastianstan@almostelegantfire@manymaria111 @carol-damn-vers @angelkurenai @squirrelgirl67@stevieboyharrington @deaniebeanieandsammywammy @demon-doggo @badassbeckettswan @blueenemy24

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@shamelesslydean @sleepless-sin  @sandlee44 @gripmetight-raisemefromperdition @spnwoman@ravengirl94 @carryonmywaywardcaptain@ezilyamuzed@thosekidswhohuntmonsters@purpleskiesandcherrypies @anise-d-castle6 @tailsoflightning@spookycowz @eve05glee@snffbeebee @deans-baby-momma @natura1phenomenon @tftumblin@gh0stgurl@screechingartisancashbailiff @kersumgen @herscrunchiehairtie@dreaminemz@monkeymcpoopoo@a-girl-who-loves-disney @andthatsmyworld @greenarrowhead@savio-the-depressed-moose @awesome-badass-cafeteria-sauce @greyeyedsmile14 @sundownridge @adoptdontshop-blog @casper57 @twentyonesupernaturalartist @rainflowermoonlibrary@traceyaudette @luciathewinchestergirl @almostelegantfire@thefaithfulwriter @deansgirl-1968 @a--1--1--3

If I tagged you and you aren’t normally on my tag list, I thought you would enjoy the story. Fair warning, it is a slow burn so we will get to the bottom of the issue later, but the burn is what makes it soooooo sweet. I’m really excited for this series, and would love your feedback:) Thank you!

If you want removed let me know. After 3 chapters I will only tag those that I normally do, or those that ask:)

[allthephils]

You Were Only Waiting

Word Count: 8510 Rated T (language, mental health mentions, strangers to lovers)   Read on AO3

This is my fic based on this art by the amazing and talented @lovelydeps for the @phandomreversebang. Huge thank you to @wolfstarphan for betaing. You were immeasurably helpful! This was such a lovely and fun team to work with!

Summary: Dan is stranded at the airport and stuck in his head, Phil is just looking for some company. A fic about delayed flights and delayed connections.

Dan’s flight is delayed just enough that he’s uncharacteristically on time. It has improved his mood from incredibly irritable to very annoyed but still, this trip was exhausting. New York is cool but there are just so many people and he’s drained. He’d rather be alone with the friends coming through his headphones than fielding questions from his Uber driver. Apparently, he didn’t get the memo that headphones mean no talking. Janelle and Kevin and Troye understand, they don’t ask anything of Dan.

  He’s never been so relieved to step out of a car. The ground is covered in a thick blanket of snow, bringing a magical beauty to this decidedly mundane setting. Unfortunately, inside it’s still an airport. He watches his feet as they carry him across the ugly airport carpet to the end of the security queue. It’s a mess, a labyrinth of twists and turns that feels unending. It does end though and Dan goes through the motions by rote. Laptop out, shoes off, little baggie of travel toiletries into the tray. He stands in the scanner, arms above his head and the TSA agent nods and waves him through. It’s the same every trip. He’s come to accept that the time lost in airports is just a necessary evil, something to get through.

  At least he doesn’t have to run. He should get to the gate just in time for boarding. It’s quite a hike though, the airport is huge. This is far more exercise than he’d like to be getting today and the constant drone of voices rushing past in all directions is doing nothing for his mood. It feels like a big American mall in here. Dan hates malls, they’re just big monuments to capitalism. So much wasted space filled with useless plastic junk and cheaply made decadence. He passes a Victoria’s Secret and a store that just sells massage chairs. There’s a very posh jewelry store and a shop filled with designer bags and key fobs. He wonders who drops two grand on a handbag at the airport until he catches a glimpse of his reflection in the glass case and remembers what he paid for his jumper. He picks up his pace, choosing to ignore the voice in his head that says he’s part of the problem.

  The gate is purgatory. Close quarters packed with people who would rather be somewhere else and bright unnatural lighting. It’s stifling and Dan wants nothing more than to move on. In a few minutes, the flight will board and he can finally relax. He’s got a guided meditation all queue up and some chamomile tea in his bag, ready to brew. With a deep sigh, he pulls out his phone to get his boarding pass ready. Just then, a notification from the airline pops up. Before he can read the whole thing, the announcement booms out all around him, a long list of cancelled flights, his included. Shit.

  Cancelled due to inclement weather. That’s what the notification said, no follow up information, no instructions on what to do next. The website isn’t any help either. He glances around at the crowded room but everyone looks just as lost as he feels. He’s going to have to do the adult thing and actually ask for help. He’ll have to physically walk up to the counter and talk to a real human being, like its fucking 1985 or something. He flicks his hair from his eyes and takes his place in yet another queue.

  Soon he’s listening while the guy in front of him demands to know why they didn’t predict it would snow so much and how come they can’t just fly around the storm. The agent shows far more patience than Dan would have, repeating her well worn speech, “We are so sorry for the inconvenience but it is very difficult to predict at this time. You’ll receive notification as soon as we know more.”

  The man throws his hands up and Dan softens a bit, knowing the agent is having a much worse day than he is.

  “What a twat.” He says as he approaches the counter and she spares a thin smile. “I realize you can’t control or predict the weather but I’m wondering if this likely to be an overnight thing or a booked on another flight in a few hours thing?”

She gives Dan the same answer she gives everyone but he leans forward on his elbows. “Yeah I know, but like, if you had to predict how long we’ll be here...Like just between us.” He musters a sweet smile and an awkward wink that he wishes he could take back almost immediately. Before she can repeat herself again, he apologizes and slinks away.

Dan is stood near the desk, hoping to catch any snippets of news that might come up. There’s nowhere to sit and crawling into a hole isn’t an option so standing will have to do for now. That’s when fate smiles upon him. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees movement, someone gathering their things. Thrilled by the prospect of actually getting to sit down while he waits an undetermined amount of time, Dan makes a b line for the soon to be vacated seat. The previous occupant has barely stepped away when he swoops in, nearly colliding with someone who had the exact same plan.

  “Oi, sorry mate, I was eyeing this seat.” Dan says, standing his ground.

  “Yeah so was I, mate.” He’s pale and lanky, his shoulders hunched over in a painful display of poor posture. He looks like he’s trying to be shorter. If he wants to blend in, he probably shouldn’t have worn a jumper that looks like a lady bird. Dan supposes he’s kinda cute, maybe a little hot, but sarcasm doesn’t look good on anyone. He’s not the least bit intimidating but he’s trying, lips curled up from the snark, wild brows raised. Those blue eyes are too dreamy to be shooting daggers like that.

  Dan should look away, he should square his shoulders and pretend he is not to be messed with. This is a snowed in airport, the wild west, he should claim his territory. He doesn’t look away though, he can’t or he doesn’t want to. Whatever the case, his defenses are weakened along with his knees.

  “Actually, you take it.” He concedes, “I have too much nervous energy anyway.”

  The guy drops the totally ineffective tough guy act. “No, no, it was a draw. Rock, paper, scissors?”

  Dan truly believes there are few conflicts in life that can’t be solved with rock, paper, scissors. They draw again and again, both of them laughing at how completely this strategy has failed. On the next 1, 2, 3, the guy pauses and his eyes wander to Dan’s left, his whole face softening. Dan turns to see what brought on such a change and damn. There goes his chance at a restful wait. Just behind Dan is a mum with a very heavy looking toddler crashed out on her shoulder.

  “Would you like to sit down?” The guy says sweetly, tripping over his luggage as he moves out of the way. Dan steps aside too and forces a smile though he’s pretty resentful.

  “Are you fucking kidding me? Thank you so much!” She looks about his age, like someone he could be friends with. He can’t imagine being stuck here with a child to care for. “Sorry, It’s been a long day.” She says and sits down with a sigh. Dan catches a glimpse of the angelic sleeping face on her shoulder and he’s over it.

  Resigned, he walks to the corner of the room and plops down on an empty patch of carpet, facing a big window overlooking the snowy runway. He searches for a hotel and is unsurprised to find every room in the vicinity booked. Headphones back in, he leans forward on the glass and watches the snow fall.

  Time doesn’t follow the rules in airports, not when all the flights are delayed and most are cancelled and it’s late afternoon but people are curled up, asleep in chairs. Dan has changed positions roughly 43 times but his restless legs are still nagging him. Funny how being lazy only comes easy when it’s entirely inappropriate.

  Standing takes some work, his hips don’t want to straighten up and do the job they were built to do. He’s partially hunched, one hand on his lower back when he sees himself in the window. He looks like an old man, groaning as he pulls himself to stand and he makes a mental note to find a personal trainer when he gets home, and to stop standing near reflective surfaces.

  Hoisting his bag onto his shoulder, he shuffles toward the main corridor. The floor is dotted with people who have accepted the long wait ahead, setting up makeshift camps with laptops out and backpacks for pillows. Dan steps carefully through and heads in the opposite direction from how he came, hoping for something better and more interesting than what he found on his way in.

  He’s been poised precariously at the edge of an emotional pit all day. Social exhaustion left him vulnerable and in need of time alone in his own space to refuel. That’s not something he’s gonna get right now so the best he can do is to keep busy, try to stave off boredom and loneliness before they spiral into something darker.

  This side of the terminal has nearly the exact same upscale nonsense as the other side. Just when he thinks he might scream if he sees one more mannequin in resort wear, a beacon of hope appears. A bookstore, and not an Amazon store, or an airport newsstand but a real, honest to god book store. To be honest, he doesn’t really read much, but he wants to. A place like this is only going to attract certain people, people who think, who want more than the few best sellers available at the newsstand.

  It’s small in here, an airport version of a larger, local bookseller, but there are real shelves to walk through and quiet jazz playing. He wanders through the classics, pausing in poetry to pick something up and read a few lines to himself. ...roused up from hole to itching head. Bodies locked shuddering naked, hot lips and buttocks screwed into each other.

  Well, he wasn’t expecting that. He finishes that one and pages through to read a little more.

  “Hello again.”

  Dan nearly jumps out of his skin. He slams the book shut, shoving it onto the shelf haphazardly. Fighting the blush rushing to his face, he folds his arms, defensive. Ready to glare at whoever is to his left, to send a clear signal that he is not in the mood to chat. His head snaps around, eyes narrowed, then he sees him.  

  “Allen Ginsberg, huh? Just a little light airport reading?” It’s him, the hot guy who gave up their seat for a tired mum. He laughs at his own joke before continuing. “He was always a little dark for me. Have you read D.A. Powell?”

  Dan’s eyes are wide as he stammers out a thought. “No, I haven’t read anybody really. I just grabbed a random book. Not really a reader.” Shut up Dan. He knows he sounds like a dick.

  “Well, fancy meeting you in a book store then.” This guy doesn’t seemed fazed by Dan’s weird outburst. “I hate these crowds, don’t you? Also hate being alone though. Just trying to find a happy medium I guess. You want some company?” He’s fidgeting now, nervous, but still doing it, still asking a complete stranger to hang out.

  “Oh um no. Thanks, I’m good, busy. Sorry.” The words stutter out even as Dan is arguing with himself internally. The guy looks a little deflated but he manages a smile before walking off. Dan has no idea why he said no, why he defeats himself like this again and again, why he’s not kinder to himself, even now.

  He’s tired, from residual jet lag and from just living in his head all day. If he doesn’t get some caffeine soon, exhaustion will set in, adding to the dark cloud currently floating above his head. Anyway, if the caffeine doesn’t lift his spirits, coffee shops have a long and storied history for being great places to be sad and alone.

  ***

  There’s one free table. Dan sets his backpack on one of the chairs, ignoring the warning he’s been hearing all day to not leave his bags unattended. He pulls his reusable mug out and soon it’s filled with a steaming hot, mediocre latte. He puts his feet up, headphones in, and searches for an anime to catch up on. As the end credits roll on his third episode, he cracks his neck and looks around, stretching his arms above his head. There’s a long daunting line of people and behind, towering above everyone, a flash of jet black hair.

  Dan thinks maybe he was wrong about how big this terminal is because this guy just keeps popping up. He’s shivering, his hands wrapped tight around the coffee he just picked up and he’s scanning the room. God, he’s really good looking, and tall, no one is ever tall enough. There are no tables left, Dan knows that but he looks over his shoulder anyway. He should talk to him. How often in life do you get a second chance, much less a third? The guy’s eyes move from table to table until they land squarely on Dan.

  Dan wears a a thin, nervous smile but there’s some good solid eye contact. He is really proud of himself for that eye contact. He lifts his feet off the chair opposite him and sits up straight in his chair, gesturing an offer to sit.

  The guy looks the room over one more time and Dan doesn’t blame him. He couldn’t have made the best impression. He doesn’t try to hide his heavy, resigned sigh before weaving through the maze of tables to where Dan sits.

  “This is prime real estate. You sure you don’t want to sell it to the highest bidder?” His teeth are practically chattering as he speaks.

  “I’m a socialist.” Dan says, sipping his latte.

  “You’re in a Starbucks, mate.”

  “I’m at an airport, I’m doing my best.” Dan watches him sit, searching his mind for something to say. It’s been ages since he flirted. Does he even want to flirt? All he knows is this guy is so cute and he’s the sort of person who gives up his seat to a tired mum. Dan’s not sure he even would have noticed her, lost as he’s been in his own mind. And he’s already proven himself patient with Dan’s bullshit.

  “Um, Phil.” Dan says, reading the name written on Phil’s cup. “Your lips are a tad blue. Are you feeling ok?”

  Phil takes a long drink from his cup, wincing because it’s still too hot. He rubs his lips together then cups his hands over his mouth and breathes into them, warming himself. “How do you know my name?”

  Dan reaches over and taps the side of Phil’s cup. “Don’t change the subject. I’m genuinely concerned about your lips.”

  “I have that effect on people. The moment you meet me, you start thinking about my lips.” Phil’s smirk hides behind his cup as he attempts to breathe in the warmth.

  It takes Dan a moment to catch up. He sits staring for a solid three seconds before his eyes crinkle with surprised laughter. It’s the first laugh he’s heard from himself today, the first genuine laugh he’s heard in a while. He’s not totally aware of the way his shoulders drop but he arches his back, stretching again, surprised how much better it feels this time.

  “Also, it’s very cold outside.” Phil sits back in his chair now that the shivering has passed.

  “Outside?” Dan can’t fathom what he means but that but Phil just keeps drinking with a barely discernible nod.

  “Like outside outside? Like where the snow is coming down and blowing sideways?” There is genuine concern in Dan’s voice.

  “Yeah that’s the one.”

  “Why did you have to go outside?”

  “I didn’t have to. I had some time to kill so I made some snow angels.”

  “Why?” Dan’s lip is curled in something that looks more like disgust than he intended.

  “I like snow.” Phil says, unaffected.

  It���s mildly annoying the way he doesn’t see anything unusual about this scenario. Dan sits up abruptly and leans forward. “Ok, so your stranded in the airport for god knows how long and instead of getting a hotel or going to the bar, you went all the way outside, through security, to play in the snow?”

  ”I mean, I actually just went to be in the snow. Catch some flakes on my tongue, see the lights reflect off the white. It’s really settled out there. You can hardly tell it’s an airport loading zone, it’s looks so pretty.” Phil tilts his head as he speaks, looks to the window, even though it only looks out on the ugly airport corridor.

  “There were these little kids watching the snow through the window, they waved at me and I waved back. They had their noses pressed right up to the glass. I was pretending to slip and fall and all that and they were laughing. But then I actually fell, right on my bum. So I made a snow angel for them.” He stands and takes his jacket off, must be warming up a bit. “Just putting it out there, snow angels are the least fun thing to do. I got snow all up inside my jacket and my hands are frozen. Might not be dressed ideally for literally laying in the snow, my ass is soaked to the bone.” He laughs a little to himself as he sits and goes back to sipping.

  Dan’s mouth has dropped open a bit and he stares. He’s pretty sure Phil is the good kind of weird but he studies his features looking for signs to the contrary. All he finds are the prettiest lips and something oddly comforting in the dark centers of his eyes.

Phil’s watching him too, just drinking his coffee and watching, wearing a coy little smile. It’s a reaction to his staring, either judgement or flirting or just a smug acknowledgment that Dan can’t or won’t look away.

  The quiet should be unnerving. Dan has conditioned himself to fill every moment, with sound or image or information. It prevents him from ever really feeling alone, from being alone with his thoughts. It’s not unnerving though, he just feels, calm. He wonders what sort of break through he could have if he wasn’t so afraid of being in his head, if he let his mind wander. It’s then he realizes his mind is wandering now and maybe this is some sort of gentle breakthrough of it’s own.

  “Where’d you go?” Phil asks.

  He hopes his expression hasn’t given away the micro crisis he’s having in his head. Pulled from his introspection, he smiles thinly.

  “Sorry. I tend to drift off during awkward silences.”

  “Awkward? I didn’t think it was awkward,” Phil says. “How often do you get to do nothing like this?”

  Dan shrugs, a little guilty. So much of what he spends his time on feels like nothing.

  “You know, you didn’t have to invite me to sit down. If I’m bothering you…”

  “No, no. I’m sorry.” And he is sorry, really sorry. He wants to be friendly and flirty and easy to talk to. This guy is really sweet and cute and it’s not awkward, not even a little. Dan can’t explain why he always goes on the defense.

  “You aren’t bothering me. I’m just kind of a dick sometimes.” Dan heaves a breath, dredging up some courage and mumbles, “I’m actually really glad you showed up.”

  “I’m sorry, what was that?” Phil says with his hand to ear.

  Dan rolls his eyes and quickly spits out, “I’m glad you showed up cuz I was really bored and we’ll probably be here all night and you’re really nice so thanks for not writing me off when I acted like a twat.”

  “Which time?” Phil asks but he’s smiling. “You’re welcome.”

  It goes quiet again and Phil stands suddenly. “Alright, we need sugar.” He walks off before Dan can protest. Normally, Dan would pick up his phone, cycle quickly through all his social media so he doesn’t miss anything. He gets as far as picking it up but it just sits in his hand unattended. His eyes are otherwise occupied, following Phil’s long legs as they carry him to the pastry case. They’re good legs, pretty legs that end in wide hips and a nice round ass. His lip has somehow found it’s way between his teeth when Phil glances back. There’s a beat before he realizes and looks away, rather conspicuously.

  When Phil returns, he hands Dan a snowman shaped cookie and makes a toast to snow.

  Dan taps his cookie to Phil’s, “we’re toasting to snow? But that’s why we’re stuck here.”

  “Exactly.” Phil says like it’s obvious. Dan savagely rips the head off of his snowman then thanks Phil around his mouthful.

  Phil laughs softly. “Ok, Dan. Snog, marry, avoid. Mario, Link, and… um, the king of all cosmos.”

  “Excuse me, the king of what now?”

  Phil’s eye grow wide, his mouth open in genuine shock. “The king of all cosmos? Do you even video game? Katamari Damacy?”

  “Yeah I know, obviously.” Dan sinks down in his chair a bit. “Kill Mario, marry Link, fuck the king.”

  “Really? You’d kill Mario. I could never do that after everything he’s done for me. Also he’s handy.” Phil takes another bite, speaking through crumbs that he wipes away with his fingers. “He’s literally a plumber. He could fix stuff around the house, total husband material.”

  “Ok fair.” Dan says, “but Link is brave and humble, he’d be a great life partner. And I grew up with him. Also he’s left handed so we could both use the same scissors.”

  “Wow. Nerd alert.”

  Dan sticks his leg out under the table to gently kick Phil’s leg. “Shut up, look who’s talking.” Dan’s voice goes high pitched, mocking. “Oh, Mario’s done so much for me.”

  Phil laughs out loud, a proper laugh, head tipped back, hands clapped together. It’s a good, warm laugh that wraps Dan up like a blanket. Any remaining angst hanging on to the edges of his psyche lose their grip and all that’s left is an unfamiliar contentment.

  “Ok, ok, I think we’ve established we’re both massive nerds.” Phil says, popping the lid off his coffee and dipping his cookie in what’s left.

  Dan is a man of extremes. When his guard comes down, it comes all the way down.

  “And who would you fuck Phil?” He’s hears his own voice in exaggerated slow motion as heat spreads across his cheeks. His palms are sweaty now, his stomach in his throat. What the hell did he just say? This is why we can’t have nice things, Dan.

  Phil seems to be considering his response, slowly sipping from his cup, his lips clearly fighting off a smirk. He catches Dan’s eyes and sucks his bottom lip for a drawn out moment before showing him mercy and moving on.

  “Link, obvs.”

  Dan clears his throat and tries to act natural. “But the king...that package.”

  “I don’t know, I like someone a little younger, not so beefy.” Phil takes a moment then quickly adds, “I’m talking about like, young adult link. Of course.”

  “Of course.”

  If Phil was trying to break the ice, it worked. The conversation flows easy after that. Dan could talk about video games all day, a topic just impersonal enough to loosen him up. Eventually he’s sharing some of his most embarrassing stories, stupid shit he did at uni and the time he got sacked from a DIY shop for selling an axe to a little kid. Phil laughs at every story and Dan is prepared to dig deep into the repressed corners of his mind if he can keep hearing that laugh. And it seems every story he tells earns him an equally embarrassing and far more amusing story from Phil. Dan is literally wiping away tears as Phil tells him all about a squirrel that bit him right in the Florida.

  They both catch their breath when the laughter finally fades and they slip back into quiet. With nothing left to drink, it is a little awkward this time. Dan’s not sure what to do with his hands or where to rest his eyes. He checks his phone.

  “No news?” Phil says to a quick shake of Dan’s head. “You want another round?”

  “I think I’d better switch to herbal tea.”

  Phil moves to grab Dan’s mug but Dan stops him. “Let me. What’s your poison?”

  “Caramel macchiato?” Phil says, a little sheepish and with a nod and as kind a smile as he can muster, Dan walks away.

  “Sweets for the sweet.” Dan says as he sits down and hands Phil his drink. Their fingers brush as Phil takes the cup, his eyes looking softly into Dan’s. It seems Dan isn’t the only one who’s let his guard down.

  The table is small. They’ve both had their legs tucked back this whole time. As he scoots his chair in, Dan’s knees bump Phil’s and it’s clear he’s unfurled them into a more relaxed position. His instinct is to pull back but his body has proven to ignore his better judgement when it comes to this new variable. He lets his foot slide between Phil’s so their legs are slotted perfectly together. Neither of them acknowledge it, holding still to keep from touching more than incidentally.

  The conversation continues and they both open up more than makes sense for strangers in an airport. Nothing feels real anymore, time is suspended with no end in sight. Maybe it’s that or maybe it’s the relief of letting go a little bit or maybe it’s just Phil. Whatever the catalyst, Dan feels safe, not something he feels often.

  Phil talks about his grandma, his brother, his failed attempts at heterosexuality. Dan’s topics are broader but the political is personal to Dan, and Phil seems to understand that. Time stretches and the nods turn thoughtful, the laughter sweeter. Moments of empathy are punctuated with bumps and nudges under the table. When the next lull comes, Phil shifts his weight. Dan watches as he lets his head lean to the wall next to his chair. His eyes look heavy.

  “How can you be tired after all that sugary coffee?” Dan asks, shaking his head.

  “Not tired,” Phil says, “just relaxed.” His legs follow the lean of his body, taking one of Dan’s with him. He hooks a foot around Dan’s ankle, coming to rest there.

  Dan let’s one dimple peek out but he doesn’t move his gaze from Phil. “Comfy?” He asks, with a hint of mirth.

  Phil nods, his crooked lips soft. “This is nice. And I’m enjoying the view.”

  Dan looks over his shoulder. Yep, hideous airport corridor, lots of grumpy people he’d forgotten about entirely. “What view? What are you on about? Are you aware that you often speak in riddles?”

  “I don’t know.” Phil moves Dan’s leg under the table. “I feel like I’ve been pretty clear.”

  Dan’s heart does a somersault and he huffs a nervous laugh. Nervous again after such an easy talk, but it’s a good nervous. The kind that comes from the promise of something good.

  Phil isn’t subtle, he wears a cocky grin that says he knows exactly what effect he’s having. Dan’s feels an urgent need to kiss the smile right off of that smug little mouth. He wants to grab the tip of Phil’s tongue that’s poking through his teeth and pull it. He imagines he’d taste like a coffee milkshake and his mouth waters at the thought. He could spring right across the table, charged as he is. Now they’ve stopped chatting, the energy between them just sits, an electric tether holding them there.

  Dan can’t help his mind going to the physical first, it’s not often he’s this open with anyone, much less someone he just met. Some piece of him wants to grab ahold of that hint of intimacy lest it get away. What he really wants is to just get closer, to wrap his arms around the beautiful friend he’s found and not let go.

  Phil’s phone is vibrating on the table but he doesn’t notice, his focus is on Dan, gaze moving from his eyes to his mouth and back again.

  “Brah, you’re blowing up.” Dan says in far too smitten a tone.

  “Hmm? Oh!” Phil takes a quick peek and puts the phone to his ear. “Hi love. Nah, still here.” He stands, points to the exit to let Dan now he has to take the call, and walks out to lean against a wall of lockers.

  To Dan’s credit, he doesn’t spiral right away. He starts silently rehearsing ways to ask for Phil’s number. He doesn’t even know where he lives, as deep as they got, they kinda bypassed the everyday stuff. Maybe he should just write his own number down and hand it to him. Except he definitely doesn’t have a pen because who carries a pen anymore? He could ask the barista but then they’d know and they’d be watching and it’s hard enough to be bold without an audience much less with one.

  He looks over his shoulder, trying to appear casual. Phil looks so cool leaning like that, beaming and chatting. Dan wonders who he’s talking to, someone close enough to call ‘love.’ It’s taking a while and he looks really happy. Dan realizes Phil never actually said he was single. Sure, he seemed interested but he was just looking to find some company for the wait. This is probably just what friendship looks like to Phil, socially awkward but strangely confident Phil. Of course he’s taken, he’s funny and smart and he listens. He probably has someone waiting for him, someone cool and quirky who reads poetry and plays Katamari Damacy with him. Someone who doesn’t wear plain black jumpers that cost hundreds of pounds even though they were made in China. They probably know he’s a flirt but they don’t care because he’s coming home to them.

  “Sir,” There’s a barista standing at the table. Dan has no idea how long he was lost in thought, ignoring her. “So sorry but we will be closing up in about 5 minutes.”

  “Yeah, ok.” Dan stammers, embarrassed as always. “We’ll, I’ll clear out. Sorry. Thanks.”

  She takes the trash from the table and Dan pulls on his hoodie and backpack. He throws Phil’s jacket over his arm and grabs the handle of his suitcase, rolling it behind him. Phil is humming affirmative responses to whoever is on the line but not talking much. He takes his jacket from Dan with a smile of thanks and a roll of his eyes. He mouths the word sorry.

  Dan waves the word away. He mumbles something about needing to find a place to get some rest though he knows Phil can’t hear. The only thing worse than walking away from this well of potential would be to stand here and fidget, listening while Phil talks with his boyfriend only to have to say an awkward goodbye afterward. He points over Phil’s shoulder at nothing in particular and Phil sort of nods though he looks confused. Dan’s heart has no right to crack like this. He barely knows Phil. That tether though, it’s got some strength to it. He swallows hard and walks past Phil then just keeps walking. He just keeps walking, waiting for the tether to snap.

  He turns the first corner he comes to and finds a lounge. People are curled up asleep on the benches. The sound on the tv is muted. He moves to the far back corner and lays down on the floor, resting his head on his back pack. His headphones are in, a movie queued up on his phone, he’s right back where he started. At least he got to pass the time with someone. It was a nice moment out of reality. So he was attracted to him, it’s not a big deal. He’s attracted to people all the time, it never goes anywhere. There’s no reason it should be different this time, no reason he should feel a dull ache in his chest. It’s totally irrational and unrealistic to think that anything could come of a random meeting like that. It was just a few hours with a friendly stranger.

  Twenty minutes later, just when he’s settled into a position that is almost comfortable, the movie pauses and notification pops up. Dan has been booked on a new flight and if he wants the seat he needs to check in at the gate, like now.

  The waiting area is still full but the settled resignation of earlier in the day has turned to frustrated exhaustion. Blurry eyed travelers stand, gripping their phones, close to the counter, watching for some glimmer of hope that they’ll get home soon. The paper boarding pass in Dan’s hand feel like a winning lottery ticket and he tightens his hold, imagining the vultures who would swoop in if he were to drop it. He knows it’s irrational, he’s booked, the seat is his but he feels undeserving in light of all these folks waiting. He’s looking down, embarrassed at his good fortune, as he turns to find a place to waiting for boarding.

  Two steps forward and he hears him, “Are you kidding me? You’re on this flight?” It’s Phil and he sounds none too pleased to have run into Dan once again.

  “Oh hey Phil.”

  “Hey Phil?!” Phil sounds angry now, his voice low and controlled, “Hey Phil?! Are you mental?”

  That stings. He could deflect, point out the problematic nature of Phil’s choice of language, but he stays quiet.

  “That was bloody rude. I thought you’d gone to find a place to sit but I turned around and you were gone. You could have said a proper goodbye.”

  “You were on the phone.” Dan’s stomach feels sour at the sound of his own voice, his own immature, cowardly voice.

  “Yeah. I was.” Phil’s eyes are right on Dan but he doesn’t meet his gaze, he’s staring at Phil’s shoes. His voice softens, “I was really excited Dan. We have a lot in common and I was gonna get your number and like, you just left.”

  “Well, it’s not like you came to find me.” Dan really wishes he would shut up and stop sabotaging every good thing that happens to him.

  “Came to find you!” It comes out loud, clearly louder than Phil intended as he looks around and clears his throat before speaking again, this time in a loud whisper. “You chatted me up for hours, flirting with me, letting me flirt with you and then left when I was on the phone so you didn’t have to deal with rejecting me!”

  “Sounds like you dodged a bullet then.” Dan says, defeated, “So why bother confronting me?”

  “Because I had a good time, Dan. I really did. A better time than I had any right to with a total stranger.” Phil runs a hand through his hair.

  He does that when he’s frustrated or nervous. He fidgets, he can’t stand still. Dan knows this about him, he learned it along with the fact like he likes his coffee unreasonably sweet and has a stupidly high tolerance for caffeine. He learned that he sticks his tongue between his teeth when he’s delighted and that he’s delighted a lot. He knows that he’s flirty and confident even though he’s clumsy and messy and has a really weird sense of humor. He knows that his weird brand of conversation meshes with Dan’s uncommonly well. He knows he’s unashamed. He’s a lot of things Dan isn’t and the lump in Dan’s throat is rudely pushing him to face the fact that Phil never would have ditched Dan like that.

  Dan swallows hard. “Ok yeah, you’re right. It was really fucking rude of me to leave. I’m sorry. But I wasn’t avoiding rejecting you.” He heaves a sigh, hoping the force of it will push the words out. “I was avoiding being rejected by you.”

  “What? I was so into you. How was that not obvious, Dan?”

  Dan shrugs and mumbles something about a boyfriend on the phone.

  Phil laughs a laugh that’s not at all amused. “That phone call was my friend Louise.” He says flatly, “She literally had a baby today. A fucking baby, Dan. I couldn’t bloody well cut her off in the middle of her birth story.” He flicks fingers through his quiff, laying it down and then picking it back up. “Stomach churning as it was.”

  Dan feels sick. He wonders how long he’s going to let his negative self talk make him miserable. He knows there are things he has to forgive in himself, that he can’t help some of it. But he also know the parts of him he hides behind and he wonders how much his low self esteem would improve if he stopped leaning on it like a crutch. His eyes sting, embarrassment and exhaustion are making all of this seem insurmountable.

  “I’m really sorry Phil.” He tries to look at Phil but turns his head, too aware of his wet eyes. “I got scared and I didn’t think I had a chance with you. I fuck these things up, I told you.”

  With a moment of static, first class boarding is announced.

  “That’s me, Dan. I have to board.” Phil doesn’t sound angry anymore, just tired. “This has been a weird day. We were strangers yesterday. But I know a few things about you now and since we’re standing here, fighting like boyfriends, I’m gonna go ahead and overstep one more time.” He reaches a hand to lay it on Dan’s arm. “It’s a heavy weight you carry around with you. I know how that is, Dan. And I’m telling you from experience, life is so much more enjoyable if you let someone else help you carry it once in a while.”

  With that, he turns and walks to the doors, hands his boarding pass to the attendant, and disappears down the jetway.

  Dan wipes his eyes before they can betray him with actual tears.

  ***

  Sipping his subpar whisky sour, Dan let’s the soothing voice in his ears guide him through step by step relaxation. His legs are heavy and relaxed, the only thing he has to do right now is breathe. In for a count of 5, out for a count of 8, in for a count of 5, out for a count of 8. With every inhale, soft blue healing light spreads through your body. What color is your blue? The color of the sky? The sea? Phil’s eyes. Definitely Phil’s eyes. Dan shifts in his seat, shaking his head as if to dislodge the image from his mind. He takes a long drink of his cocktail, heaves a breath and tries again.

  It’s time to get over it. Soon, he’ll be home and settled back to his routine, alone in his flat, back to real life. He tries to do to follow the voice, to do the breathing thing. When a thought enters your mind, acknowledge it, without judgement and let it go. There are a million thoughts in his mind and a million judgements. That was a dick move. He was really great and you just ditched him. Why are you such a coward? You can stop thinking about him now.

  With a rather violent jab of his finger, he quits the app, switching to music. He shoots back the rest of his drink and closes his eyes but regret gnaws at him until his stomach is an empty pit, twisting a constant reminder that he’s lost something.

  He’d walked past Phil’s row on his way to his seat, carefully avoiding eye contact. He looked sad, this would be easier if he’d stayed angry. At the risk of looking like a dejected lover in a romantic comedy, he makes the rash decision to go talk to Phil. Before he thinks too deeply, he throws off his seatbelt and moves to stand, only to find himself face to face with a stern looking flight attendant.

  “I’m sorry sir, but I’ll need you to take your seat. With this turbulence, we have to ask that you stay seated and buckled for the duration of the flight or until the safety light is switched off.”

  “Oh, um. My friend is in first class and he gets really frightened on planes.” He searches his mind for a story that will elicit some sympathy. “I’m really worried about him with this turbulence. Can I just go check on him please?”

  “I’m afraid not, sir. I apologize but it’s for everyone’s safety.”

  Dan presses his lips together, accepting his fate but just as she walks away, he speaks up again, “Oh, excuse me.” She turns with a forced hospitable grin and looks at Dan expectantly. “What about a drink? Can I buy him a drink? Send it to his seat. His name’s Phil, third row window seat, handsome, black hair.”

  “If he’s in first class, his drinks are complimentary, sir.”

  “Oh.” Dan looks down at his hands. “Then can you just bring him one? Say it’s from Dan?”

  There’s a long exhale that reveals just how long her night has been before she nods gently and says, “What sort of drink did you have in mind?”

  “Do you have hot chocolate?” Dan smiles up at her, grateful for her patience. His dimples really do come in handy at moments like this.

  A tiny smile blooms on her overworked face and she leans in a bit closer, “Ok, hot chocolate from Dan. I’ll bring him an extra blanket too.”

  With his hand to his heart, he thanks her, it means it more than she could know. The next thing he’s aware of is the same flight attendant’s hand on his shoulder, waking him up. The flight is descending and he needs to turn off his electronics.

  By the time he’s shuffling down the aisle, first class has long since departed. Dan walks quickly, ready to be done with airports and travel and new people and places. He’ll get a car, headphones in, and soon he’ll be curled up in bed. He can sleep all day. There’s nothing he’s late for, no one waiting for him.

  It’s terribly bright outside and Dan is personally insulted. He was counting on London gloom to validate his mood. He pauses next to the taxi queue, eyes on his phone, music in his ears, calculating the benefit of getting an Uber over jumping into one of these waiting cabs.

  “Dan!”

  “What the fuck!” Dan jumps, his heart races off down the road without him and he pulls his headphones off.

  Phil giggles behind his hand. His other, on Dan’s shoulder, is warm and heavy and works wonders to calm Dan’s flight or flight freak out.

  “Sorry. I said hi like three times.” Phil says, trying to curb his laughter. “Maybe you should turn your music down, mate.”

  “Maybe you shouldn’t sneak up on people.” He’s reeling from exhaustion and emotional whiplash.

  “Thanks for the hot chocolate. And the blanket.” He moves to rub the back of his neck in a classic display of Phil nerves.

  “No problem. Hope it made your first class seat tolerable, you poor soul.”

  “Hey.” Phil’s smile is so subtle it’s barely there, his eyes fixed on Dan’s, “I like nice things.”

  They stay like that, inches apart, just looking at one another. It’s freezing out here but neither of them can feel it.

  “You wanna share a car? I’m in north London.” Phil hasn’t looked away, he sounds like he’s talking to himself, his voice quiet and directed nowhere in particular. Dan nods and they both turn. The guy managing the line ushers them into a cab, taking Phil’s luggage and Phil gives the driver his address. It makes sense for Dan to be dropped off first but he doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t want to be the one walking away this time.

  “Did you have a good flight?” Phil asks, small talk seems the only way out of this tension.

  “It was ok. You?”

  “Yeah. I mean, first class.” Phil worries his lip and Dan can’t take it anymore. He can’t take the unknowns and the regret and the stupid magnetic attraction he feels toward this person. He’s looking right at Phil’s mouth, it must be so obvious, and he’s telling himself, do it, just do it. His heart is in his throat, his stomach in knots, sensations that usually elicit a firm nope from Dan. His stock reaction to this fear is to run but he can’t run, they’re in the back of a taxi right now. If Phil pushes him away, he’ll just get out and take a bus. Dan’s breath is coming out in huffs, still watching Phil’s pink mouth as his lip slips free of his teeth.

  A hand comes to rest on Dan’s leg, just above his knee. He startles a little and his eyes jerk quickly down to make sure he didn’t imagine it. The tether is taught, it’s either gonna break or he needs to grab hold of it and pull, hard.

  So he does.

  He leans forward too fast, his lips collide with Phil’s too forcefully, but Phil slides his hand behind Dan’s neck and leans into him till they find a perfect balance. Soft but urgent, they push against each other, Phil’s tongue dipping in between Dan’s teeth. Just enough to connect them but with room for so much more. They move with each other, unhurried until they feel the car pull to the curb and hear the driver clear his throat.

  “One second.” Phil says as they pull apart, “let me get my bag.” He hands the driver his card and opens his door, climbing out to wait for his luggage to be retrieved from the boot. Dan gets his phone out and sets up a contact for Phil to fill in. He leans into the open door but before he can speak, Phil crouches down.

  “You coming?”

  “Sorry?” Dan replies.

  “Are you coming up?” Phil always seem to think people just know what he’s talking about.

  “Up? To your flat?”

  Phil nods, “Everytime I lose sight of you, you run off. I think I’d like to keep you close if it’s all the same to you.”

  “Don’t you need to sleep?”

  “Yeah, and so do you.” Phil says, matter factly, “So come sleep. With me.”

  Dan could honestly say that nothing has ever sound better.

  *****

  It’s been a long time since he woke up next to a stranger. It’s been a long time since he woke up next to anyone, unless you count Colin, Dan’s family’s dog who shared his bed when he went home for Christmas. It’s a little alarming at first, feeling an arm draped over his middle as he makes the slow climb to consciousness. Reality sets in as his eyes blink open and survey unfamiliar surroundings. The room is unmistakably Phil, the plants, the books, the sentimental trinkets. It’s welcoming and homey, this is exactly how Dan would have pictured Phil’s room. It is odd to feel like he knows this stranger so well. He’s not a stranger though, not really.

  Gently, Dan lays his hand over the one resting against his belly. The body behind him is solid, pressed up tight. There’s so much intimacy in spooning. He closes his eyes, willfully rejecting any evidence of daytime that might be streaming through the window. He wishes it would snow now, right here in London; a wild, never before seen blizzard that would strand him here in this flat. The whole city would shut down, lives would be disrupted, but it all sounds worth it if it meant he could stay here just a little while longer. Maybe if he’s very still, his big spoon won’t wake up. He really hopes he doesn’t. If he wakes up, they’ll both be thrust out of the liminal space where they found each other and into purpose and schedules and wretched real life.

  There’s a sleepy huff of a breath against his neck, and the arm around him pulls tighter for a moment. It might just be his dire need for human connection but this feels so good, being held like this. He wants to turn over so he can look at his face, nuzzle into his neck, wrap his arms around him, but he won’t risk bringing all of this to an end.

  “You’re warm.” Phil’s voice is a low rumble against Dan’s back. It reminds him of the furnace coming on in the early mornings when he was kid, the promise of comfort that would stay even when he threw the blankets off. “What time is it?”

  “Almost 2.” Dan says after reaching to the bedside to tip his phone into view.

  Phil hums his acknowledgment and snuggles in closer, inhaling deeply with his nose tucked into the short hairs at the back of Dan’s head. “You smell like my shampoo.”

  Dan is still but for his fingers. They push between the one’s underneath them and curl around to ensure that hand is staying put.

  “Do you need to get up?” There’s a squeeze in his heart as he asks until he senses Phil shaking his head no behind him.

  “Don’t go.” Phil says, so quietly it takes Dan a second to register. “It’s not enough yet.”

  “Not enough sleep?” Dan asks.

  “Just not enough.” Phil says and Dan feels a quick, soft kiss on the back of his neck.

  “Go back to sleep, Phil,” Dan replies, calm spreading over him, a lightness he hasn’t experienced in so many years. “I’m not going anywhere.”

  Soon, the embrace isn’t quite so tight and the breathing behind Dan is slow and steady. Sleep won’t come back so quickly for Dan, it’s just not how he operates. The sound of Phil breathing becomes a meditative soundtrack and he replays the last 24 hours, finding the moments, committing the details to a deeper place in his memory. There’s a small voice in his head that says he’ll want to tell this story later.

End.

[pass-the-bechdel]

Marvel Cinematic Universe: The Incredible Hulk (2008)

Does it pass the Bechdel Test?

No.

How many female characters (with names and lines) are there?

Two (20% of cast).

How many male characters (with names and lines) are there?

Eight.

Positive Content Rating:

Three.

General Film Quality:

Not as bad as everyone seems to remember, but also, not good.

MORE INFO (and potential spoilers) UNDER THE CUT:

Passing the Bechdel:

Martina barely has lines to start with, and she’s not even in the same country as Betty, so...no.

Female characters:

Martina.

Betty Ross.

Male characters:

Bruce Banner.

General Ross.

Joe.

Emil Blonsky.

Stanley.

Jim Wilson.

Samuel Sterns.

Tony Stark.

OTHER NOTES:

Bruce sees a bunch of guys harrassing Martina, and he almost walks away to avoid a conflict that could set off the Hulk, but then he thinks better of it and comes back to confront the guys and save the girl. It’s a shorthand way of showing the audience that Bruce is a good guy, not letting his own fear get in the way of doing the right thing, blah blah. I support that message, obviously, but I do wish they wouldn’t use ‘woman in jeopardy’ as their go-to method for proving something about a man. Martina only exists in the film for this purpose, she’s just a pretty prop so Bruce can prove his morals, and that’s not cool. Female characters existing only as props is not cool, and violence against women being used to demonstrate/further a man’s story isn’t cool either. Get a better lazy shorthand, movie. 

Lou Ferrigno cameo is clearly the highlight of the whole film.

At least 60% of Betty’s lines are just her saying ‘Bruce’ with different intonations, usually as a question. “Bruce?” she whispers. “Bruce?!” she calls. “BRUCE!!!” she screams. She also almost definitely yells it in slow motion with the sound cut out during dramatic climactic points in action scenes. I don’t know, I didn’t think to take note of that. 

Oh. This movie. It might be the first of the MCU films I ever saw, back before they had committed to the idea of actually doing a Cinematic Universe, so it was just ‘a Hulk film’ that I watched, filed as ‘bad’ in my brain, and never revisited again, even after the MCU got going in earnest and - years later - I got sucked into the vortex and wound up watching and re-watching all the movies in order. It’s easy to leave this film out of the chronology (and many people do); despite a totally pointless scene with Tony Stark at the end of the movie, it doesn’t actually tie in to the rest of the MCU in any meaningful way, and as an intro to the Hulk it isn’t really necessary: firstly, because most people who don’t live under rocks already know who the Hulk is from popular culture, and secondly, for anyone else, they get a perfectly serviceable introduction to him in his next film appearance (The Avengers), in which the role has been recast with Mark Ruffalo, who plays Bruce Banner/Hulk in every future MCU film and leaves this Edward Norton vehicle as a weird outlier better forgotten than incorporated into one’s understanding of the character. Edward Norton is a fantastic actor who has done so much great work over the years, but this was not a good role for him, and having rewatched this movie now nearly a decade after seeing it the first time, I’ll probably go back to giving it a miss whenever I trawl through the MCU. It’s a film with, basically, nothing to offer, neither as a standalone nor as part of a wider franchise. That’s a pretty sad indictment, but there it is.

Is this the worst film in the MCU pantheon to date? Probably. Not absolutely - I think the door remains open for debate (the other contenders for the title, we’ll get to in due time). The thing is, this movie is not as bad as history remembers it: most of it is actually fairly decent. Not remarkable, not impressive, but decent in the sense that it is stock-standard playing to expectation, it isn’t making any negative waves, it’s just there. The bad rep this movie has is owed almost exclusively to the way it ends, with an embarassing and meaningless Hulk/Abomination battle in which the CGI is absolutely not capable of upholding even the basic visual storytelling of two beast-creatures whaling on each other. Bonus features of that fight include: Hulk clapping his hands to put out a fire and SAVE HIS LOVE, and a truly abysmal use of the iconic ‘HULK SMASH!’ line. By the time the final fight mercifully ends, any and all goodwill the rest of the film had built up has been obliterated, much like the neighbourhood and the lives of all those poor collateral-damage civilians that no one cares about. Some beast-creatures whaled on each other in shitty CGI. That’s what we came for, right? 

What makes this ending so particularly bad is how out-of-place it is in the rest of the narrative. Yeah, we 100% EXPECT a Boss Battle at the end, because that’s the formula for these things, but the movie does a really awkward job of not actually building up to that climax in a meaningful way that lets it feel earned rather than perfunctory. Let’s rewind; the premise of the whole film is that Bruce Banner is trying to keep his Hulky genetics out of the hands of the military, specifically a program overseen by General Ross, who happens to be the father of Bruce’s former co-worker/lover Betty, because of course he is. This detail is not actually important for any reason, it’s just an excuse for Bruce and Ross to conflict over Betty like she’s a cool shiny object, because ultimately she has no more narrative function than Martina the hot Brazilian chick. Anyway: Bruce is on the run from Ross, Ross is on the hunt for Bruce so that he can experiment on him forevermore, and Betty is there sometimes to say Bruce’s name as a question. Ross chases Bruce with lots of army guys, Bruce Hulks out at various points so that the action sequences can involve more than Edward Norton running away, and there’s a long-term goal for Bruce in the form of getting some Science to another Scientist so that they can Science a cure for his Hulky genes and he can stop running once and for all (it doesn’t work). It’s not a very inspiring script. It’s fairly straight-forward and predictable, but there’s nothing especially bad about it other than the pointlessness of Betty (the same as this is a front-runner for the MCU’s worst film so far, Betty is a strong contender for Worst Inclusion of A Useless Love Interest). Norton may not be a great Bruce Banner, but he does a solid job of giving weight to Bruce’s plight, and the overall effect is at least passable as a film, if forgettable. The problem here is Emil Blonsky, the marine tasked by Ross to head the operation to capture Banner, and the man who eventually becomes the Abomination whom Hulk battles in that cringe-worthy film climax. And the problem with Blonsky is not that he’s some kind of weak link in the script. The problem is, he’s the best character in the movie.

Maybe it’s just that Tim Roth is too good for the material (he is), but Blonsky is easily the most dynamic person in an otherwise flat film, and he’s the only character whose narrative arc isn’t instantly predictable the moment he steps on screen. He’s a consummate soldier, all about the job, and getting into the thick of things himself to make sure it gets done right. His road to becoming Abomination begins partway into the film, as Blonsky grapples with the aftermath of his first encounter with the Hulk - for which he was brutally unprepared due to Ross’ failure to provide essential mission intel - which led to the death of many of Blonsky’s men. As Ross comes clean about the super-soldier serum experiments that created the Hulk, he plucks at a few delicate nerves, noting the physical toll that years of service have taken on Blonsky’s body. Blonsky laments that he can’t take the experience he has now and put it into the body he had a decade ago; Ross suggests that, maybe, they can arrange something kinda like that. It isn’t played as outright manipulation - Ross has just told Blonsky that there were other experimental treatments in the same line as Banner’s work, and Blonsky knows what conversation they’re really having and has already seen what the side-effects could be if it goes badly - but there is plain prompting from Ross, to say nothing of the treatments he then actively facilitates, most notably the second dose which he offers despite having originally stated that if Blonsky experienced any adverse effects (which at that point he has, in limited capacity) the treatments would cease. It’s a situation in which Blonsky rapidly loses his agency, and for which Ross isn’t even a little bit blameless. What’s significant about this is not just that Ross is the ‘villain behind the villain’ in this case, but that Blonsky really...isn’t a villain in the first place. 

Now, ‘villains’ in stories (and especially comics) who start out innocent/unlucky/well-intentioned and then become twisted are not uncommon, but the key to making those narratives work is that the story acknowledges the pathos of that journey; that this person never meant to end up as the villain, and it’s a sad turn of events that brought them down that road despite themselves. This is where things fall apart for this movie, because they kinda, oops, forgot to either (1) make Blonsky’s pre-serum behaviour clearly villainous, or (2) match his unwilling descent into villainy with a tone of empathy and regret for how his character has been turned astray. He isn’t presented as some paragon of goodness to be torn down, but he also doesn’t act maliciously or imply that he draws sadistic pleasure from his work. He consents to that first dose of serum, but it isn’t for evil reasons, he’s not bloodthirsty, he’s not going after the Hulk as a personal vendetta: the primary emotional motivation he displays is curiosity. He wants to get the job done, and he recognises the threat that Hulk represents, and he’s interested in finding out exactly what kind of a world he’s just been looped into. He may be antagonistically positioned against the protagonist of the film, but his intentions aren’t reprehensible from any angle. Thing is, the serum he takes is depicted as having a narcotic effect, impairing his judgment and fostering an escalating addiction that ultimately creates the Abomination; it’s all downhill for Blonsky after that first dose, the situation spins wildly out of his control, and he loses himself in the process. This is where the pathos should fit in as an essentially good (or at least neutral) person is lost to this drug, but it doesn’t. Instead, Blonsky becomes Abomination for the final act of the movie, and all of his characterisation evaporates so that he can just mindlessly smash things for no apparent reason. If he had been shown to be someone who engages in unnecessary violence and/or enjoys it at some prior point, then Abomination would be an escalation of existing villainous predilections, and it would work, but that isn’t the case. Where Hulk operates off an established base of anger/raised heart-rate/physiological response to heightened situations, and his destructive tendencies and absence of higher cognitive functions make sense in that context of reactionary hind-brain behaviour, Abomination has no established parameters or reasons for developing as he does, and searching the only information we have - Blonsky’s characterisation - for answers turns up no satisfactory results. Abomination’s rampage has nothing to do with ‘getting the job done’ (Banner is in Ross’ custody by that point in the film, in fact, so the job is already done), nor does it have anything to do with the Hulk himself - Blonsky and Banner never had specific personal beef with one another that would make a final confrontation meaningful (Bruce doesn’t even know who the Abomination is/was) - so Abomination’s entire existence feels pretty pointless. It’s just there so that Hulk can pick on someone his own size.

The final fight scene is objectively bad from a technical standpoint, with the dodgy CGI and the way-too-corny contrivances and the muddy uninspired visual mess of it all: it’s just plain bad to watch, but it is also not only devoid of emotional relevance or weight, it’s devoid of emotional logic. We’ve watched this process of Blonsky ‘becoming a monster’ in a literal sense, and it’s been the only part of the movie with any life in it (it’s not a deep well of complexity, but again, I think it works because Tim Roth is fucking making it work), but a boss fight is not a fulfilling conclusion to that narrative because we haven’t been given clear stakes in the outcome. Considering that Blonsky ends up a victim of Ross much the same as Bruce Banner is, it really should be Ross’ villainy that is ultimately defeated to bring us a satisfying conclusion, but the film forgets its own narrative in the course of pretending that Blonsky was the main bad guy all along, to such an extent that it bizarrely turns around and rewards Ross in the end. After transforming into Abomination, no one so much as suggests that Blonsky is still in there somewhere (his name is not even mentioned), he’s just a beast-creature now, and Ross gets to keep him and do all that fun experimenting that he wanted Hulk for this whole time, and no one challenges the idea. Remember how the whole movie was about Bruce trying NOT to get caught and experimented on forevermore by the military? Remember how that’s supposed to be a bad thing that Good Guys want to stop? Eh, who cares? Apparently not Bruce Banner, whose upstanding morals don’t extend far enough to want to save anyone else from the fate he has thwarted for himself. Not very heroic, just kinda leaving some other dude to take your place. As hardcore as Bruce was about keeping the formula out of Ross’ hands, etc, apparently he has no qualms about this derivative, and he just whistles on out of there, and that’s it. The end. Not a second thought for Blonsky’s fate, no fulfilling closure for Bruce’s ACTUAL villain beef with Ross, the bad guy gets what he wants and no one cares, the good guy completely forgets the ideals that he was fighting for the entire time and therefore kiiinda renders the whole journey of the film pointless, and worst of all, there’s no sense that the story comes to these conclusions deliberately, that it’s supposed to be off-kilter in any of these ways. It’s like they got to the final act and literally forgot everything that had happened in the film previously so they just stopped without actually closing any of the storylines, it’s a totally incongruous ending. 

I’ve focused largely on how much they screwed over Blonsky in this process because I considered him the film’s saving grace the rest of the time, but really, the ending screws over every character, theme, and narrative thread in the whole story, and that’s the huge disconnect that leaves the audience remembering a bad film, not just a bad ending. Granted, it wasn’t a good film to start with, and if you were less engaged with Blonsky than I was and you didn’t latch on to one of the other slim elements the story offered instead, then the whole thing turning to shit in the end really can’t have been much of a loss. It’s not that they didn’t, at moments, have the makings of something that might be good, or glimmers in scenes that suggested a quality idea that might have shone if someone had polished it a little better. For anyone reading this and going ‘well, don’t you know they had loads of behind-the-scenes issues with redrafting the script and other bullshit?’, yes, I am aware of that. Thing is, it shouldn’t matter. A 150-million dollar major Hollywood franchise project doesn’t get to use ‘oh, we just didn’t really bother making sure the script made basic sense before we filmed it’ as a valid excuse. If everyone’s doing their jobs properly the way they should be at this level of the industry, then the audience shouldn’t be able to see your BTS issues bleeding all over the finished product; major script redrafts should be a Did You Know? trivia point, not an ‘oh, NOW I get what went wrong here’ explanation. At the end of the day, no one cared enough about making this a movie that would matter in the long run for an expansive Cinematic Universe. Tanking the whole film into a forgettable mistake that viewers would gladly leave out of their Marvel marathons was, ultimately, the one thing they did successfully.

[sweet-ree]

10 QUESTIONS

I was tagged by the adorable @estalfaed , the beautiful (literally, have you seen her selfies?) @scientistsalarian , and the always funny @natalia-nat-shepard for this. Thank you guys! This is going to take a month to type, I almost wrote it out by hand, lol.  So, yeah, this is super long, sorry! If I can figure out how after all the wine I”ll make a cut. I relaly had fun with this. there are few things I won’t answer - mostly due to not remembering that far back - but I think those masturbation questions from the nsfw ask that went around a few weeks ago cover half of them :p.  ANYWAY… Here’s the deal. 

RULES: ANSWER 10 QUESTIONS, THEN TAG PEOPLE WITH 10 QUESTIONS OF YOUR OWN.

@estalfaed

1. Dream vacation location?

Greece and the islands, a tour of the temples and ruins. That was my major in college, I should probably see them in person during my lifetime.

2. Who did you save - Kaidan or Ashley?

HA! Nothing against Ashley but I saved Kaidan AND I ALWAYS WILL! He is one of my two favorite imaginary husbands, my biotic booty, and just thinking about him makes my hands start with the pinchy grabby motions. which makes typing difficult :)

3. What is your favorite dessert?

It’s called Charlotte Russe. There are many different versions of it, but mine is the best, LOL. When I make it, it is basically a gelatinized custard, fluffled with whipped cream, spike with a shitload of sherry, and lined with cakey lady fingers. Decadent and rich and difficult enough to make that nobody else bothers and thus loves it when I bring it over.

4.What is a MUST-HAVE in a prospective partner?

I try not to be serious. Like EVER. I have alays demanded a compatible sense of humor. I love to laugh. It is important to me and my well being. Now, I am married, and the days where we do not make each other laugh hard at least once are few and far between.

5. Which was your favorite Dr. Who companion (if you watched the show)?

I’ve watched a bit through the years. My favorite companion was Rose. Mostly because I liked Billie Piper from another show she was in Secret Diary of a Call Girl, lol. It was fun, I liked her, so shes my fav.

6. A salt circle is good for keeping out what?

Um, I have no idea. But its great for making my margaritas more delicious!! 

7.Favorite Movie? 

This was a toughie. I didn’t want to say it, but its gotta be Star Wars original trilogy. I grew up with it. One night - long story short - my friend passed out on my floor. I put Star Wars on the dvd player and freshy cooked bacon by her face so she would have ‘Star Wars Bacon Dreams’. At the time, I thought I was being the BESTEST friend ever, LOL. She was just really confused when she woke up with bacon in her hair XD

8.If you could have any superpower, what would it be? 

ooh, cool question. I’ve thought about this a lot actually and never come to a decision. one the one hand, I REALLY want to fly. But I think I’d have to go with selective mind reading. I’m seriously nosy as all get out! So you can see the appeal of this for me, LOL.  can be discreet - with other peoples information.

9. You have 3 paths before you, one leads to a misty forest, one leads to a ruined castle, and the last leads to a quiet lagoon. Which do you choose?

The forest is right out - there are spiders in there, and hell no. The castle is tempting for the history, but its probably too spooky for me, I’m going with the lagoon. I LOVE water! Yes, there are probably spiders there too, but I think I can deal with them because of the promise of cool clean water to float in. priorities.

10. If you could see your future, good, bad and in between, would you want to?

My first response was yes. But I changed it. If I couldn’t change the outcome, I wouldn’t want to know because I’d be constantly frustrated. Also, if you don’t make mistakes, you don’t grow as a person. I know that sounds philosophical and dumb, but I’ve been told I’m basically a 12 year old in a 40 year old body. Apparently I need all the personal growth I can get. LOL

NOW THE QUESTIONS FROM @natalia-nat-shepard :)

1. If you could be a character in ME series, which class would you choose?

I’m a sniper in video games by nature. Its kinda my thing, my MO. I actually played all ME as a soldier so I’d have a good reason to keep Kaidan on my squad for 2 of the games. I’m gonna say soldier, but I intend to go back and try out the biotics and all the infiltrator stuff. Though being a soldier never kept me from having other soldier types (Wrex, Grunt, and James) in my squad!

2.Had any exotic/extraordinary pets? 

I had a pet snake in college, he was adorable and named Yossarian. He escaped his cage and lived behind my radiator for months. My roommate was livid, but she was the anti-me and I didn’t care :)  I never did get him back, By the time I got around to it, he was gone. My first pet after I truly lived on my own was a bunny named Chadwick. She was the cutest! 

3.You’re phones ringtone is? 

Really fucking lame. Its the old school phone sound that I grew up with., I keep meaning to change it, but never get around to it because nobody ever calls me. Eventually it’ll be Lady Marmalade 

4. If you could get anything right now, what would it be?

I want a puppy. Actually I want two because they need friends. I want 2 teacup pomeranian puppies. I have chosen the breed, my family decided they get to choose the names… the front runners are Godzilla, and Lord Poof Destroyer of Worlds. #help me

5.Do you remember your first fictional crush?

Yes, yes I do. The real question is do I want to reveal it? Fine. It was Mark from Battle of the Planets. ROFL. Yes, I used to climb our giant magnolia tree that made the perfect spaceship and pretend I was Princess and basically talk to myself all day, LOL. NO REGRETS

6.Your biggest fear is…

Serious things? Failing my children as a mother. I want them to be happy and healthy and smart and cultured and prepared and badass. Slightly less serious? My biggest fears are burning alive and GODDAMN SPIDERS!!! 

7. Phrase from a video game which became like a mantra to you?

LOL! There are few. Just sayin, I’ve been playing video games for a REALLY long time. A few phrases stuck with me all these years. #1 “It is dark. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.” Y’all are too young for the Zork text games eh? #2 “I’m here to kick ass and chew bubblegum and I’m all out of bubblegum.” Gotta love Duke Nukem. #3 “Strap yourselves in boys” from StarCraft. #4 “I never asked for this.” Adam Jensen, first imaginary husband. Those are just the ones that come up in my everyday life.

8. Post a gif/smiley face/emoji of your current mood.

Super cool question, I’m totally stealing it! But here… no surprise

9. The best movie you;ve ever watched?

I gotta go with Steel Magnolias. I know its supposed to be a tear jerker, but honestly, I see it as a comedy. I see me and my bestie in the roles of those two ornery old ladies in 40+ years. I think about it all the time in my real life. I know people who can fill almost every role in that movie. But, mainly, “Don’t ask me those questions! I don’t know why. I don’t make the rules!” and “well you know what they say: if you don’t have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me.” Yes, I’m terrible. I want ALL THE GOSSIP! but I don’t spread it without permission!

10. You’re introvert or extrovert?

I can’t decide if I’m an introverted extrovert or an extroverted introvert. I meed my alone time or I’m a bitch on wheels. But, I need my social time or I lose my mind. I’ve read descriptions of both, neither seem to work. so I’m torn. whatever, labels, ugh

OK, on to the really tough questions posed by the kick ass @scientistsalarian! These were the hardest, and I’m not sure I can answer them all even now, after a few weeks when I forgot to do it… oops :P 

1.If you could cross any two animals and keep the result as a pet, what would they be?

I gotta say hamster and bunny. can you imagine a teeny tiny bunny as a pet? It really doesn’t get much cuter than that.

2. What is the oddest thing that attracts you to someone else (romantically or platonically)?

FUCK! That’s tough one, LOL

3. Who always makes you smile?

There are two answers to this. One is a new friend here on tumblr who is fucking hilarious. I’ll keep his name to myself, but he likes to think he’s boring. HA! I smile every time I read one of his messages. The other is a local friend. She says we’re twins… except I’m not Hispanic or catholic. Those are easy to overlook. She always gets me in trouble. We can be in the middle of a karate class and she and I are turning everything the instructor says into a dirty joke XD. AAAHHHHH a dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste!

4.Do you like spicy food?

YES YES YES! Not SO spicy that my tastebuds burn to dust, but if its spicy and I can still taste the floavor, bring it on!!! Put jalapenos on anything and make it better! Hey, not many people know this… champagne goes great with a burger with hot pepper cheese and fries dipped in Henry Bain sauce! Just sayin.

5.What person has had the biggest influence on your life?

6.Favorite Comedian?

hmmm, Dennis Leary was my favorite for a long time. But I think the one that stands out most is Eddy Murphy and Raw. I watched that with my dad when I was in high school. Most of what I remember is that it was all about sex and I was trying to appear like I didn’t get the joke! Seriously, I REALLY didn’t want my dad asking me why I was laughing at all the oral sex jokes ;D  No, Dad, I have no idea what he’s talking about <snicker><eye roll> yeah, I don’t think he bought the whole “innocent routine”

7.If you had the power to make one fictional character real, who would you choose?

another toughie. Could I guarantee that this character would be my LI? Then no second thought, Adam Jensen! Well, maybe second though Kaidan Alenko. But if I as trying to be altruistic… I’d say Shepard. This world needs someone who can do what has t be done and say fuck you at the end of it… of course that is all based on MY opionion of what has to be done…

8.What song is your guilty pleasure?

LOL. Its a guilty pleasure so I don’t want to tell you… I have a few. Basically anything by FloRida, I can dance or run to that. There is also the ooccasional Grateful Dead when I’m drinking and cooking. But I think my main guilty pleasure is anything by Hatsune Miku, especially Ievan Polka. I took my daughter to her concert in Chicago last year and it was the coolest thing i’ve ever seen in my life! The singer was a damn hologram! wtf. it was amazing.

9.You now have the power to grant the hiccups to anyone at anytime. How do you use this power for maximum comedic effect/chaos?

ROFL. Easy. Trump rally/speech/whatevcer. Anything to keep me from hearing what that jackass spews on a regular occasion.

10. How quickly do you fall in love?

Unfortunately its too quickly. I’m kinda old, and I’ve been around the block a few times. Ive been in love a good handful of times. Some lasted some didn’t. I’m married with children now. But that falling in love thing, its still too easy.

Now, the hard part. Coming up with my own questions and tagging other.s  I’m totally stealing the questions I found most intriguing. I’m tagging people I’m curious about and I KNOW haven’t been tagged for this yet. I’m also atgging people I know won’t answer, but tough shit. If nothing else, it makes me happy to think about you thinking about these answers even if in your own mind only… that made sense in my head… whatecver

NEW QUESTIONS

1. What’s your sign? Birthday?

2. Favorite cocktail? (If you don’t drink, favorite concoction?)

3. Do you have any special/unusual/secret talents? 

4. What is a personal accomplishment you are proud of? Did anyone tell you that you couldn’t do it?

5. What is your favorite stuffed animal? Current please (and don’t tell me you don’t have any, I’m over 40 and I have lots incl a giant Appa, I wont believe you) LOL

6. Favorite fic writers?

7. Phrase from a video game which became like a mantra to you? (one of my favorite questons!)

8. Who was your first fictional crush? (another favorite)

9. Any kinks you’d like to share?

10. Post a gif/smiley face/pic/emoji of your current mood.

You guys tagging me makes me feel special. I am thrilled to think that someone cares about these things. If I don’t tag you, and you want to answer, please do!!! I’m so fucking nosy, LOL. If I tag you and you have NO INTEREST in this stuff, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me know so I don’t tag you again - I know some of you have dedicated blogs and don’t want this crap on them. sorry for duplicate tags, its too hard to keep track of this shit.  So, @thebustystclair @conartist23 @javixr @blueteaparty @nightmarestudio606 @missannaraven @bardofheartdive @hiroike @humblydefiant @gayscottryder @izzabellatee @willowdeville @saphistar @shotce @skartoargento @mshenkoaddiction @arkesstuff @ellebeedarling

As ALWAYS no expectations! Take it for what it is, Me being curious :)