#All in all this ramble is just said by someone who brain rots immensely over the silly blue lord and his undead counterpart💙

[serenit-teas]

I need to see more hater behavior between Alfonse and Líf, I need these two at one another’s throats!! They have beef and unresolved issues due to MANY reasons, but one of the funniest things is just?? One being faced with the others attitude and being constantly reminded ‘Man I hate this guy, this guy is the worst.’ (<- Was once this guy(Líf)/ Has the capacity to become this guy(Alfonse). It’s like a cat seeing itself in the mirror and NOT enjoying what’s reflected. I want these two to hash it out and it just be the ugliest fight Zenith has ever seen!!! This is my steel chair wrestle mania cage death match!!

[moonraccoon-exe]

(1)Btw Coonie, I'm crying at that last post. Those tags, Coonie please don't berate yourself. I know I'm the last person who has the right to say anything like this. Remember one of my firts asks? About Ignis and Gladio with the self worth issues? And I said I wasn't doing well? I never told you how bad it was. I was suicidal, Coonie. I wanted to take my own life that day. I still struggle with things every day. Bad BG, I tell myself. BG screwing everything up as usual. TBC

Ah…my own words against me, smacking me like a shovel in the face. Like I needed, that’s the best part, hahaha!

*sigh* Wow…I’m sitting here speechless. Yesterday I had my answers, but I wanted to wait for today when I was in a less negative color. And now that I sit here, dealing a little better with the guilt and this situation, I can just smile and tear up at the same time and I’m not sure how to react.

I’ll add a read more, buddy, hope it doesn’t bother you.

Like Peridot, I owe you an apology. More than one, and not the sort where I hate on myself; just an apology, not because I think I did wrong and I’m this and that, just because I do owe it.

I’m sorry that you projected yourself there. All I’ve tried to do when it’s the case is to help people to help themselves to heal. Projecting and bringing back a bad side of yourself that hurts you, that’s not help at all. I want you to project the better side, the one that’s always there and you just neglect sometimes, not the one you already know. 

I’m sorry I made you cry, whether because of how you projected yourself there or because it saddened you to see me talking that way. I thank you for the concern, but I’m sorry for the possible tears and the pinch in the heart. I didn’t mean to talk about myself like that.

And lastly I’m sorry I did talk about myself like that. Again, this isn’t the “I’m sorry I’m an idiot :(” sort of apology, it’s the objective “I’m sorry, I was an idiot.” You’re not selfish by accepting the apology, as I’m not doing wrong giving it, and you know that. 

What can I say?

Thank you for opening up to me about your intimacy. But I’m profoundly sorry it had to be like this; that what I said was awful enough to drive you to open up about this, maybe as some sort of last resource. I’m sorry I drove you there, but I thank you nonetheless for doing it. Reaching out to me was already incredible enough, but doing it with this intimacy, I’m not sure I deserve it, and I thank you profoundly, as intimate, for it. Thank you for sharing this, I know it must have been terribly hard.

You’re not the last person who has the right to say all of this; it’s because you KNOW these thoughts that you’re one of the best to have said something on it. That you haven’t gotten over your sadness/depression doesn’t mean you can’t encourage someone about it. Just because Sam is ten meters from the surface doesn’t mean he can’t encourage Jerry to swim up his two meters, and be happy about it, to give you a bad example parallel to the one yesterday. Your own words against you now! :)

I’m sorry you were suicidal, buddy. That’s a very hard thing to digest…and it only reminds me how glad I am that you’re here. In my blog, I mean. What would I have been without that little ray of sunshine and warmth? Maybe not suicidal, but less happy, that’s for sure. You add to my joy, with both silly and not silly things.

So thank you for not leaving, for not having done that. The world is so pretty with you in it, and there’s so many wonders for you yet to see and discover and hear, you don’t want to miss any of that, do you? Besides, on the selfish side, you make me happy. And like I told you, you’re a good person; why would you take a good heart like you away from the planet whenit most needs of kindness and good? 

Thank you for existing and living, Breakfast Girl. You don’t need to do anything “big” or in society’s “protocol” to be more than worth it. I forgot the saying in english, but I like a lot a phrase that I want you to take:

“It’s good to be great, but it’s greater to be good.”

:)

University diplomas, an “important” career, money, beauty…pscht. They’re good, yes, but you don’t NEED them to be good. Being great goes beyond what we’re expected to be, or what we’re told that it is. The greatest “Great” is being good. And you are, buddy. You’re a good person; kind, and sweet, and caring. With a heart the size of jupiter. 

I don’t know why you listen to those ugly thoughts, but I think they’re allbullshit and wrong. They see you from the inside, and have you tried to see from inside a skull? IT’S DARK! YOU CAN’T SEE FROM THERE, WHAT DO THOSE THOUGHTS KNOW, THEY CAN’T EVEN SEE YOU! >:(

But I can. And I don’t mean visually, I can see you even better than that; precisely because I can’t see you visually is that it’s easier to /sense/ you. And I sense a good heart, kind, and a bit broken, but not beyond repair. Just gotta fill those cracks with some gold, and it’ll be prettier than it used to be. :)

So next time those thoughts come you shrug them off and remember they’re just throwing insults in the dark. Wtf brain you’re inside my skull, you can’t see ME, so fuck off! You’ll say next time, and again and again whenever they appear. You’ll see how realizing that what the bully is saying is bully-shit, it loses any damage it has on you, and bully gets tired of doing it so it just leaves. :)

I digressed ( ´ ▽ ` )

I do am a bit scared that that anon I was rude to was in a delicate situation too; I don’t know what I’ll do if I know I worsened a depression or someone’s issue with self-worth or confidence. That’s what’s got me so petrified and terribly guilty; I know that it remains a safe place for everyone else, but what I concern about is that one person. Like, I don’t worry about my blog, 95% of my followers didn’t see that post, and the other 5% understand I was in a collapse, so my blog and myself are in no risk.

But what about that one person? Feeling attacked, like they bothered me, maybe even hurt. Hurt, very surely. That’s my concern, not my blog as much.This IS and will always be a safe place, for everyone, except that oneperson, and that’s what worries me. I can accept they dislike me from now on and such, I don’t mind, I just want to know they are okay. :’(

Your entry really did smack realization into me like a train running over my face out of nowhere. And I needed that. You’ve knocked sense into me, and honestly I can’t thank you enough. 

It’s like I told Peridot in an ask just some minutes ago; feeling guilt is normal, but I can’t let it eat me out like this. There’s a difference between having a wound and having a wound that I constantly poke and make worse. That it hurts, it hurts, but it’s on me to decide how much it will do so, if naturally, or worsened just because I wanted to worsen it. 

I think that I’ve done my part. While I don’t justify any sort of harm, I’ve already explained my emotional collapse more than once, and maybe it won’t justify it but it’ll explain it. That the other person decides to understand or not, it’s not on me to control. I’ve apologized, more than once. I’ve offered the apology; that the other person takes it or not, that’s not on my control. 

I’ve done all I could, the rest is none for me to do or control. And while it does drive me crazy sometimes, I’ve done what I could, and I should learn to be at peace with that enough, let the wound heal as it shall, and stop poking it.

You’re right; I’m doing more good than bad. Poking the wound and letting myself stay in this state and worse will only rot me from the inside, and then, for the one mistake I did, I’ll stop doing the other 99 good things, and that can’t be. It was wrong to have done that mistake, but it’s precisely because it was wrong that I should be learning to not do it again instead of letting that murder the rest of the good things.

I’m doing my best, my own way. I can’t be perfect; every hero, as small or great as they are, slips once, twice, a couple times, but a slip doesn’t mean they didn’t walk those other hundreds of steps successfuly.

*deep breath*

I’ve rambled a lot here, Breakfast Girl, a lot of what I’ve been trying to think lately, so this is full of little and big mantras, hahahaha. Lots of thoughts that try to put me at peace. But some if not all wouldn’t have settled properly in my head had you not made me write them down properly.

So thank you, buddy. Thanks a lot, thanks greatly, thanks enormously. This time it’s me who doesn’t have the correct or enough words to say thanks, or how this has helped me. 

See how you don’t need to be on the surface to encourage someone to continue swimming upwards? 

((if I could, as a 30 cm tall klutz of a raccoonie, so can you, right? You keeeeep sssswimming! :) ))

How do I say thanks enough, BG, buddy? I don’t think I can. Just know that I’m very, immensely grateful, from deep within my heart. :)

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

May the stars give you three times as you’re giving to me, all this kindness, care, support, and, mostly, all this love and happiness. I’m not religious, but I’ll still ask the stars and dear cosmos to help me with those good vibes to enlighten your life as it deserves to be enlightened.

Thank you, buddy. And think that if you had taken your life that day, you wouldn’t have knocked sense in this raccoonie yesterday/today, and this raccoonie would be struggling 100 times more with the current sadness. You’re not saving my life only beecause I’m not suicidal, but hell, are you helping me. And the best part is that you’re not pushing me up; you’re smacking my face and making me realize I can stand up myself. Which I think is better, and more helpful. 

What I want to say, buddy, is that this single situation and event and this single one thing you’ve done, didn’t make you great; it showed how great you already are. Because you’re great because you’re good. Worded as I worded it; read that last sentence again if you need to understand it better. :)

I hate to hit that Post button because I feel I still need to write 1,000 more Thank Yous, but if I did that I’d never finish, haha!

Thank you, thank you, and thank you again, buddy.

I hope you’re having a most fantastic day. :)