#Alex and Z collab: 249 injured 867 dead

[ellies-little-gun]

So, the other day I was talking to my friend @catsarecutebutaliens about the scene in episode 7 where Ellie stitches up Joel and they said the following:

The world is going sideways with pain, her face blurring between tears and the sunlight reflecting off of her skin, and all he can think is Ellie, her name a prayer on repeat and the only thing keeping him from giving up.

Which prompted me to write this:

He grabs her arm, feels pain worse than his wound when she says ah, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck in response. He's hurting her, he knows he is. He's causing her pain, so he forces himself to let go. Forces himself to leave his hand on her but not to grip. Forces himself to stare up at her, to memorize her face because he knows he isn't going to be able to see it much longer. Does his best to muffle his sounds of pain because he doesn't want to scare her any more than he already has. Doesn't want to cause her any pain, doesn't want to scare her. He did that to Sarah in her last moments, caused her pain, scared her. He doesn't want to spend his last moments doing the same to Ellie. Doesn't want his death to haunt her dreams the way Sarah's haunts his.

And they responded with this:

The stitches are done, but the pain doesn't subside, sharp and throbbing and blunt all at once, and he has been on death's door enough times to know he won't be able to keep himself conscious any longer. It doesn't matter, though, because Ellie wiped her hands clean of his blood, something he cannot allow himself to think about or he will throw up his guilt and he cannot force her to see more blood today than she already has. She wiped her hands clean and is kneeling next to him, her palms hot against his freezing skin, and when he blinks up at her, he cannot tell if the tears running down her cheeks are panic or relief.

"You'll be fine," she says, prays, and he takes it as a command, "You'll be fine, Joel, okay? You- you gotta be."

There is so much he wants to tell her, so much to apologize for, but darkness and shadows are dragging him under, and all he can do is weakly grasp her arm and tug - a request. She chases after him, curls up next to him with her hand pressed to his chest and his next exhale sounds like her name. He'll be fine, not because he deserves it but because she does.

So, I wrote the same scene but from Ellie's POV:

The stitches are done. They aren't her best work but they'll have to do. They're painful, she can tell by the way Joel grits his teeth. She's had enough stitches to know they pull something awful. She always hated stitches. She scrubs the blood from under her nails, from off her skin. Tries her best not to think about the last time she did this. Scrubbed the remains of her best friend from under her nails, tries not to think about how Joel and Riley's blood feels the same. Warm and sticky and stubborn. It won't come out from under her nails, no matter how hard she scrubs. Same as Riley's so after a while she gives up. Washes the blood from her skin but leaves it under her nails. Knows that that may be the only part of Joel she can take with her, if he goes to be with Riley.

"You'll be fine," she says, more prayer to a god she doesn't believe in than actual belief, "you'll be fine Joel, okay? You-you gotta be."

There is so much she wants to tell him. About how she cares about him, might even love him. But she doesn't because that feels too much like goodbye. Feels too much like admitting he won't get better. She'd done the same with Riley, hadn't said she loved her until she was gone. She regrets it every day but she still can't bring herself to say it to Joel. Because he'll be fine, he'll be fine. He has to be, because he deserves it, even if she doesn't.

And they responded with this:

When he comes to, nightmares and reality are a blurry purgatory filled with spiking hot pain and ice in his bones, but he is unable to process any of it. Louder than the beat of his dying heart, louder than the slow drip of melting snow from the broken windowsills, is the almost soundless whisper of Ellie crying. Joel cannot open his eyes, cannot move, all he feels is a tiny hand pressed to his chest and a wet cheek against his neck. She never cries loudly, never lets the sobs he can see wrecking her chest actually escape, but somehow he still always knows, still wakes to it in the middle of the night.

I'm sorry, he wants to say. I'm here, I'm sorry.

His fingers weakly twitch against her leg, his head turning the slightest bit as he seeks her out, seeks to comfort her, and when the darkness reclaims him, all he can think is I can't do this without you.

So, I wrote the same scene but from Ellie's POV again:

Ellie is a strong motherfucker thank you very much. She is capable and smart and witty. But she's also only fourteen. She's still a child, despite the fact that she never had any childhood to speak of. So, yeah she is crying right now, what of it? There's only so much one person can take onto shoulders that aren't strong enough to carry the weight before they collapse under it. And Joel is asleep, asleep but not dead. Not dead she knows because she has her ear pressed to his chest. Listens to the somewhat steady beat under her ear, tries her best to keep her sobs in her chest, does her best not to let them escape because she doesn't want to wake him up. It's the middle of the night, and Joel needs his rest.

I'm sorry, she wants to say, I'm here, I'm sorry.

Because she is, he got hurt protecting her. This is her fault, just like everything else. Anna, Riley, Tess, Sam, Henry. All her fault. His fingers twitch against her leg, and she feels his head turn towards her. Feels his cheek come to rest on top of her head. Feels him sigh against her and all she can think is I can't do this without you.